#I'm struggling a lot with brain funk and i just. don't want to

[team-rnjr]

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[qqueenofhades]

Hi, do you have any tips on telling professors you’re dealing with depression? Like is it helpful to include details? Symptoms? It’s getting to the point in the last few days where I need to tell them something because I have assignments piling up and the symptoms I’m experiencing are getting pretty intense.

If It helps I think I’m dealing with atypical depression just based on how I relate to the symptoms list (leaden paralysis, oversleeping, severe rsd, can’t focus on anything even more than usual, just feeling an overwhelming physical emptiness in my brain). Ive been doing ok when I’m in class and I feel better then too, but when it’s done, as soon as I get home or am just you know trying to do my assignments or anything, it’s like a curtain falls on me. This has been creeping up on me for the last few weeks and I can recognize the circumstances that lead me here, but I feel like I’ve crossed a threshold in the last week from just having these worries and thoughts I could control to now this full blown physical Depression Experience that has control over me.

I don’t want to overshare so to speak and make my professors uncomfortable or permanently see me differently, but I also desperately want to be believed and accurately convey how disabled I feel right now in a practical sense. Just writing this all out to you took so much effort. I’m not really sure what to even ask for beyond extending my assignments to this weekend. This depression is so unlike what I’ve experienced in the past and I really don’t know where it’s going or what to expect. A part of me is hoping I’m just going to feel normal again in a few days but I can hardly think more than a few days out anyway.

I know all teachers are different but what would you want to hear and be ok with hearing from one of your students? What would you want to know?

Thank you so much for reading this and for any advice. I’m really sorry to just dump all of this here, I’m just not really sure where to turn right now. Please of course don’t feel pressured to answer. Thank you for your lovely blog and self. ❤️

Ooof. First of all, thanks for coming to me and I'm sure it took a lot of effort to put that together. I know that all-consuming, black-hole depression feeling, and it's not fun.

Here's what I would do:

First, reach out to your student counseling/health services center as a matter of priority. Almost every university has one, and they encourage you to take advantage of them. If that takes too much effort to do when you're in a funk, try to do it when you're on campus or have a little more energy. Say that you're really struggling and need to come in for an urgent appointment -- you don't need any more info than that, and they should be responsive/proactive about following up. There might also be a crisis line or priority email where you're assured a response in a certain amount of time.

Next, please do contact your professors and let them know what's going on! Here's a sample email for you:

Dear Dr. [Name],

I'm writing today to let you know in confidence that I'm experiencing severe mental health difficulties, which have been growing worse over the last few weeks and are negatively affecting my ability to participate in class. I am reaching out to the university counseling centers and other resources, but I am not feeling well at all and hope that you will be able to make adjustments to the deadline for [exam/project/paper etc -- fill in as necessary].

I will do my best to complete my work as expected, but please let me know if it is possible to arrange a meeting [via phone or Zoom if you don't want to come in], and discuss my options. I would like to know about the possibility of an incomplete grade or other ways to [pause/resolve/work with] my status for this semester.

I do apologize for any inconvenience, and hope that you'll be able to provide me with understanding and support in this difficult matter. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.

Best wishes,

[Your Name]

Hopefully, you can just copy and paste that with a minimum of effort, tweak it as necessary, and send to them. You can also reach out to the Disability Services office (as every university is required to have one) and see if accommodations can be made/allow you to complete work at a later date. If it's really bad, you also have the right to contact the university registrar and arrange for a leave of absence.

Anyway, this is to say: you have options to take care of yourself and make sure that the people around you know what is going on and can help develop a plan to deal with it, so please do take them! I know how awful and draining it feels, but if you need any other advice, please let me know, and I will do my best to answer. If you have a Tumblr account and want to DM me privately with more details, like the name of your university etc, I can also look for these resources and give you the information, so as to minimize the amount of pressure and extra work on you.

Hugs. <3

[universalzones]

A 'Lovely' Family Reunion

Que Tangle almost full on slamming her alarm clock with her hand after finally finding it due to refusing to unbury her head from the soft and warmth of her pillow. The lemur wrestled with calling in today just so she can sleep in today, though she had a job to do. One that was important so after a few minutes she finally pushed herself up. Moving to sit on the edge of the bed and yawning.

Tangle then stood up, her shirt which was a size too big having a stain on it from her drooling while she slept. The lemur would focus on making her way to the bathroom, avoiding the few piece's of clothing on the floor. Didn't need to slip and fall on her face again. The brawler turning on the light before walking to the sink. "Ugh, why does Lanolin have to have meetings so early in the meeting." Kinda makes her miss the days where she was a free roam adventurer. Let her pick her own sleep schedule.

Regardless, Tangle grabbed her tooth bush and turned on the sink getting it went. Then went on the toothpaste before shutting to sink off and she began the process of brushing her teeth. The lemur still struggling to stay away as she brushed. Makes her want to try asking Lanolin to move the meetings later in the day, though knew it'd get struck down hard.

Tangle was finishing up brushing her teeth, getting ready to spit out the toothpaste when she heard a knock at her door. "Give me a few minutes!" The lemur called out with a mouth full of toothpaste. The brawler spat it out, filled a cup with water, took a sip to start moving it around to rinse her teeth, and spat it out. Then another knock came. "Hold on, kinda in the middle of something!" She then began to reach for the floss, only to hear another knock. "Fine, I'm coming, yeesh!" Hopefully it was important.

Tangle had to deal with several more knocks before she opened the door, rather aggressively as the knocking was starting to annoy her. Then the color basically drained from her face seeing her mother and her father standing in front of her. Her brain froze so she just stood there, staring at them, which is something they took notice to.

"Well, aren't you going to say anything dearie?" Tangle's mom asked. She was a bit shorter than Tangle herself. The lemur wore a black business suit, the skit going past her ankles a good way along with heels. This lemur's fur color was an even mixture of black and white.

This seemed to snap Tangle out of her funk. "Uh, hi, mom and dad. What, what brings you all the way out here?" The lemur asked as that was the only question she had going through her mind.

"Visiting," Tangles dad said. He was much taller than Tangle, having at least a foot on her. His fur was completely pitch black, rare for a lemur. He wore a mechanic's blue uniform. "Stop that slouching already. Bad for yer back." His voice as stern as he said that.

Tangle found herself instinctively standing up straight, something she hated. "Oh, well, what for?" The lemur asked given the fact they hadn't spoken for nearly a year by this point. Not since she left Spiral Hill, and even before that they spoke, like four times out of the year.

"Just to see you dearie," The mother said before suddenly hugging Tangle who reluctantly hugged back. Thankfully it didn't last too long. "I mean, we've heard a lot about you and the little team you're on."

Tangle's eye twitched hearing her mom call it a 'little team' seeing as they do a lot. "Well, the Diamond Cutters gotta do everything we can to fight against Eggman and, ya know, protect the planet." The lemur's not so subtle way of trying to show it was more than just a small team.

"Dearie, please speak proper. Those speech class's cost a lot of money so you can speak with a bit more class, just like your mother."

"Well, I kinda don't live with you guys anymore, so, ya know." Tangle would nervously rub her neck saying that which caused her to slouch again.

"Do as yer mother says, and STOP slouching." The father was much more aggressive with his tone this time which made Tangle stand up straight real quick.

"Easy now honey." This seemed to get him to calm down before the mother turned her attention back to Tangle. "I'm aware you don't live with us anymore, though you should always strive to speak proper at all times. It's a sign of professionalism."

Tangle was simply trying to keep it together as she listened to her mother. "Yeah, I'll, work on it," the lemur said, forcing a smile. "Well, great catching up, though I gotta get ready for work. Meetings are early." Thank Gaia she had a way out of this.

"Oh, a morning meeting? Well, I'm sure you can be a bit late. After all, I'm sure they're used to you being late," the mother laughed at her joke while Tangle's eye twitched again, though she just laughed like she got it. "Though we won't take up anymore of your time. After all, we're here for the next few weeks for some business. Though I did plan lunch. I hope you have time to make it." She would hand her daughter a piece of paper with the time and location.

"I must be rushing off as well. It was so nice to see you again dearie," she said, hugging Tangle again. "I'll let you say goodbye to your father." The mother then walked off.

Tangle was now left alone with her dad, which was even worse. "Hey... father. Love to chat with you, though I really do gotta get ready," the lemur said, slowly reaching for the door to close it.

"Alright, though watch yer tone. Didn't like the way ya spoke when coming to answer the door. And make sure you see yer mom for lunch. Understood?"

Tangle could've brushed off the tone comment, though now she was being forced to see her mom for lunch? As much as she wanted to say she wasn't sure if she could make it she couldn't bring herself to do it. "Right, see mom for lunch and watch the tone. I got you," the lemur said, slowly closing the door. Then it was closed and the finally relaxed. "This is going to be a long few weeks." For now she focused on getting dressed.

[udunie]

So I'm thinking like a dystopian abo society. Stiles is his typical self, bratty and loud mouthed etc and the sherif is worried bc as an omega he should be sweet and compliant so he sends Stiles to live with Derek who is like a correction alpha who just fucks the shit out of Stiles, roughly and forcefully until Stiles is cumdrunk and sweet as could be eating out of his palm.

Stiles keeps insisting he's not like typical omegas, wants to study and prove he's actually got a brain and not just a hole but with every rough funking he gets more and more dumb and sweet. Imagine public sex as normal so every time Stiles starts acting up in public Derek just forcefully bends him over the nearest object and fucks the attitude right out of him. When Derek's cock isn't fucking the braincells out of him Stiles is just stuffed full to boasting with dildos and plugs, or strapped to a fucking machine until he's sore and sobbing and yeah :)

Really just want Derek to grab a bratty Stiles by the neck and hold him down, struggling and yelling and all, and painful fuck him until he's a mewling, sweet, compliant mess that obeys his every command.

Sweet dreams, love <3

Anonymous asked:

I'm talking about big, hairy breeder balls Derek who'll have a drooling, cum leaking Stiles kneel by his feet, keeping his face firmly pressed into his sweaty crotch to keep him pliant and his omega hind brain satisfied

(I imagine this belongs with your ask :D)

I loooove this concept! (well, if it was me, I would want it with steter instead of sterek, but I 100% respect your choices)

I know a lot of people like a/b/o exactly to see people breaking out a toxic system, but for fun's sake? I adore seeing how those toxic systems work lol

Omegas as victims of their biology? Sign me the the fuck up

Like, would love to see omega hormones actually having a 'dumbing' effect? Like, every breeding causing such a huge surge of hormones that it damages the brain? Just a tiiiiiiny bit? I mean, regular human pregnancies have long-term adverse side-effects... Maybe the evolution of an a/b/o species would even encourage it? Omegas who are mated have an alpha to protect them, so they don't have to be smart, they just have to be fertile... (and anyway, evolution only cares about selection until you've popped out some kids, adverse effects on the long run wouldn't necessarily be selected against) And maybe Alphas are more attracted to omegas who are less contrary?

Maybe there are meds to negate it, like supplements or something that counteract the effects, but in 'traditional' circles it's frown upon using anything like that...

Maybe (if you're not against having different pairings in your sterek) John has a high-profile Alpha lined up to mate Stiles? But said Alpha expects Stiles to be completely well behaved and broken in by the time that happens?

Or heck, maybe Derek is the one to actually mate him? He could even like, mate him under false pretenses? Like, telling Stiles that he would respect his wishes, and would let him go to college? And by the time they are actually mated it's already too late for Stiles, and Derek can do whatever he wanted - and what he wants is a cum-drunk bitch stupid with heat at his feet :D

[mcalhenwrites]

Hmm... I managed to get a little bit written today, but I'm struggling a bit with mental health and it's affecting my writing. xD;

I thought a walk would make me feel better, and it did while I was on the walk, for the most part. I lucked out that it turned out to be cloudier than expected while I was out. I got to see a mama duck with her babies and thought of Bee (my OC) and how happy that would've made him. (Also, the babies were not small! They were almost adults, all female and like smaller than mama by just a teensy bit! Too far for good photos, sadly.) But I came home and managed to edit and post ch 64 of Seasons, pushing through all reservations I have about sharing my work. (Again. Just when I think I've got this thing tackled, I'm like, "What if I just focus on finishing the story but I don't shame myself publicly with posting my works all the time?" lol why, brain, why???) I'll get better in a few days. It's just a funk. It's waiting out the funk and trying to distract myself in the meantime. Walk helped, then I tried video games but wanted to do some reading, then I thought I'd do some cleaning... and I got stuck debating on if I want to wait on packing up some of my favorite display stuff until I'm more certain about the date of this move? Anyway, I stripped my pegboard of all but the "big three" aka Xillia (guess my OT3), FFXV (okay, ignoct), and STRELITZIA (KH I guess)

Me: wow I love KH *has two SoRiKai charms, a Ven charm that shows his BBS armor on the other side, and the rest is all fucking KHUX related* (Thanks, Yume, for giving me about 70% of the Xillia charms I own <3 And thanks everyone who gifted me a lot of the other stuff over the years. I love it so much. This pegboard is a happy space for me!) I'm tempted to take down my crocheted button displays to wash them (they're so dusty) and they're also mainly Xillia, with some ignoct, and uh... various stuff, I only have one Strelitzia and Lauriam button and a Sora pin from KH.

I will say I got to see some really nice insects (warning for images below) on my walk? Haha, it was truly a Bee day ;) (Now I wanna draw him in a flower...)

Oh god, this just made me realize... Like... Vivian and Graham had these Seasonal kids, and those kids have tastes very in tune with their seasons and birth conditions. They really passed on the ability to really go all out with nursery decorations and shit like that. Like having flower-shaped blankets for baby Bee to crawl on, one in a pumpkin shape for Howie... a snowflake one for El... They had so many opportunities to just go "yeah it's like a holiday but for our children" and make those childhoods so much fun?! (And honestly, like holidays, childhoods end. It's better that way. Precious, passing memories, and none of this "trying to maintain this human nuclear family that doesn't let the kids express themselves" bullshit.) Anyhow. Yeah. I'm rambling. ^^

[loaksky]

you are such a talented writer! i’m taking a creative writing class this summer and i wanna start writing my own fics, do you have any writing tips? like ur process and how tf you pull such wonderful imagery and feeling out of a story?? thank you! xx

hi babes ! sorry it took me a bit to get around to answering this ! thank you so much for such a sweet message AHHH ! i actually took creative writing my senior year of college as an elective and it was SO fun so hopefully you have a blast taking it ! also so excited that you're getting into writing your own fics, it can definitely be a gratifying experience. even though i feel like i'm not qualified to give writer advice, some thoughts are under the cut LMAO <3

my initial thought is gonna sound so unhelpful, but i read this quote / saying somewhere and it's stuck with me since: just write and keep writing after, even if you hate what you write. and the reasoning that came with the quote is that you already have 100 percent more to work with than if you were to write, hate what you produce, and then stop until you feel 'good enough' to go again. you can always revise, you can always edit, you can always delete and rewrite, but you'll have something to work with. this is something i really struggled with in high school when i was really getting into writing.

obviously you don't want to push yourself into a state where you develop an unhealthy relationship with it, but it's just a little encouragement or motivation that i used to remind myself of when i would get in a funk.

some random technical (?) advice in no particular order:

use pinterest for writing prompts, templates (for world building, character building, plot structuring), creating moodboards for your projects, etc. pinterest is my holy grail for writing both fanfiction and regular fiction / personal projects. possibilities are endless with miss pinterest.

said and says can get repetitive, yes, but they are still very useful. if you try to swap out said and says with too many alternatives, you run the risk of compromising reading flow and sounding a little too wordy.

in that same vein, try out different word choices, but be careful with which ones you choose! sometimes (like with said and says), writers will use a thesaurus and pick the 'smartest' sounding word and then it ends up throwing off the way the sentence reads...if that makes sense...i'm rambling now lmaooo

in regards to your specific question about my process:

i'm literally so all over the place. sometimes i'll think of a really cool title and then just run with that.

other times, i'll think of a conflict and craft a plot around the conflict and build outwards.

sometimes i'll already have my ending in mind and backtrack all the way to the beginning. then i'll the time to flesh out the foundation.

i also listen to a lot of music. if you go through my masterlist, you'll probably peep a lot of song titles hahaha. i usually use music as a way to feel out a vibe or write using inspiration from the lyrics.

as mentioned above, i love making moodboards and perusing pinterest !

also, this may sound lowkey crazy, but i love writing as if i'm describing scenes in a movie. or maybe directing a movie? i'm a very sensory person, so i try to make sure i include most, if not all, of the senses when constructing these 'scenes'.

and finally!

just have fun! in both the creative writing class and online, don't let outside pressures like your peers, numbers, or other things get in the way of you creating what you love and being apart of a community. it can be difficult and a little isolating at times, but no matter what, just remember what you went into your endeavors looking for!

ik i was a little all over the place, but this is what i can think of for now because my brain is absolutely fried lmaooo. if you have anymore specific questions: lmk, i love talking n chatting hehe

best of luck to you in your class and i hope you enjoy the journey of writing fanfiction as well! <3

[blkkizzat]

I've been following your blog for a while now, and I hope this isn't weird to ask but I think you may have the best answer since you're an amazing writer. My friend has been taking down their works and giving up on telling others they even write fics because they feel no one likes their writing. They think this because when they ask for feedback it's silence. They keep comparing themselves to other writers and I feel bad they don't believe they're a great writer. As a writer did you ever have these feelings or do you have them now at certain times? I just want to be a good friend and motivate them to keep writing.

Oh wow. Well first, thank you so much! That really makes me happy you 1) like my writing so much but 2) even coming to me with this question!

(this is a long reply sorry lol but two parts, advice for friend and then my own personal insecurities)

Advice for your friend:

First, who your friend is asking? Are they asking on their blog or to a group chat or dms to others? Even though it shouldn't seem like it asking for feedback on your blog is probably the worst way. People rarely even reblog nowadays so asking them to take the time to comment and give something meaningful isn't likely going to happen (also people could feel shy too!).

However, I would tell your friend to reach out to people who regularly interact with their content the most and ask them if they would beta read or provide feedback. It may seem a bit intimidating to ask especially if they don't know them but if the person is liking their content that much I'm sure they would be flattered at the ask. Or start interacting with other writers more whose work they do like. I wouldn't ask right off the back for tips and feedback but if they begin chatting with them regularly and become mutuals then it'd be okay to then ask. A lot of writers, myself included, love talking about writing.

But at the end of the day tell your friend to write for their own satisfaction in their own perspective. My thing is if it don't make me, cry, laugh, horny or any of the main emotions I want to feel while writing it I keep working on it. It's my fic and I can't get anyone to feel an emotion if I don't feel it when I am writing/reading it back. Thats also what gets me out of my funk cause I tell myself I will continue to work on it until i do like it.

I'm not saying here to not care about interactions (cause everyone wants feedback) but to just write until you personally feel good about it and to be honest about when that is. You will feel a lot better about the work you do put out when you write for your preferences alone and I feel more people respond to that as well. Even when taking requests, sure people are asking for something but at the end of the day they are asking for your version of it still. People don't want to read you trying to be someone else they want to read you! Think of it like this. Never doubt your idea. Your plot is rarely the problem because we all end up recycling similar ideas, nothing is revolutionary here. As far as technical skill you can improve your writing by being more descriptive, using a variety of different words (use word lists for smut/feeliings/etc), and tapping more into how the characters are feeling in the moment. About my insecurities:

I feel like its natural to be your own worst critic and I am definitely mine. You are never going to view yourself or your work as others view it which is a shame because I feel like people wouldn't struggle so much with insecurities if they could honestly tap into others true thoughts of them at will.

About mid-fic is where I notoriously hate every single fic I write and have to will myself to push through to finish it. I love writing but working on one story at a time can be fatiguing so I tend to work on multiple. That way if I am stuck and hating something, I can hop to another and give my brain a break as I am usually overthinking it/too deep in it and need to step back.

I honestly don't compare the quality of my work to others as I do like my style as much as the frequency of work I do. I am a very slow writer and I write in a very non linear fashion where I write sections and then weave them together and then comb over them 3-4 times before moving on to the next part and jump around. It stuns me how some writers say they never re-read their work because I will reread 10x times tweaking things here and there until my OCD is satisfied and I'm happy with it. I definitely get envious of writers who can just pump out quality fics like hot cakes and post multiple times a week. I'm lucky to get 1-2 done in a month haha. Especially frustrating when I have a ton of ideas (like almost 30 fic ideas currently) I'm dying to write and like 5+ half written fics cause I keep jumping around lol. To top it off I'm more of a descriptive writer so a fic being under 5k to me is a miracle lol.

I love reading others fanfics too (what inspired me to write in the first place!) but sometimes I have feel guilty and not been able to really enjoy because I'm like "I'm reading these when I could be writing mine and i have like 10 requests sitting in my inbox on top of that lol."

Clearly I'm long winded af cause I did not mean for this to be this long either lol. But I hope you got something from this that can help your friend. Keep being encouraging to them! I'm glad they have you in their corner!

[soracities]

i am wondering if you ever get in moods where you are unable to/have no motivation to read? i love to read but picking up a book is so hard for me lately, it's like i want to read and i want to be known as this person that reads a lot but i can't bring myself to do it tbh. i rather mindlessly scroll

i do, absolutely (i'm in one right now). i think for me the key is in identifying whether i just need space away from reading for a while to pursue other things, or if other things are badly compromising my attention to begin with; more often than not, when it's the latter for me, i've often found the more time i spend online the more drastically it affects my ability to not just follow through with a book but simply summon the energy to pick it up to begin with (and once i do, it takes maybe 3 or 4 days of consistent reading before it doesn't feel like a struggle anymore).

it’s incredibly difficult not to fall into the pit of mindlessly scrolling, but i also think that a lot of the time we keep scrolling in order to avoid something; i don't know what else may be going on in your life or if there are maybe other things that could be overwhelming you and consuming your energy that you may need to look at and address, but in either case i think it's important to try and set limits and obstacles for yourself that will make the temptation to keep scrolling difficult to fall into -- not just to make it easier for you to go back to reading, but simply to just make life easier and more relaxed for yourself in general. i really don’t mean to sound preachy here, but in all honesty the more you maintain the habit of mindlessly scrolling the more it becomes entrenched (physically) into your own thought process and given everything online is literally designed specifically to maximise the effect of this and keep you attached for as long as humanly possible, the more difficult it will become for you to focus on anything outside of it -- it becomes the default condition your mind works through and anything that opposes the “ease” of scrolling by requiring even a sliver of more engagement feels like a sisyphean task that doesn’t even bear thinking about. i know for me it only takes one day of spending longer than 20 mins on socials to undo weeks of rebuilding my focus so when i say it is actively short-circuiting your brain, i am in no way exaggerating. there is no other way, i don’t think, to tackle that except by slowly and consistently building a routine for yourself that fills in the time you spend scrolling with other things that you will get more enjoyment out of. i’m not saying it will be easy, but it will absolutely be worth it.

that said, and i don’t know if this is the case for you, but i think it’s important: i also think this desire to be known as a prolific reader may be adding unnecessary pressure on yourself (self-consciously, maybe) and may make reading into something that has much more gravity or something at stake attached to it than there needs to be; even if you want to read, all you’ll be seeing are all the books you should read and haven’t read in order to achieve this status and the entire endeavour becomes this overwhelming and exhausting chore that will zap your will before it has even shown up -- it becomes work (that, in your mind, you haven’t done), and the main thing, which is the enjoyment reading holds for you in the first place, will hardly feature at all. i think it might be worth asking why it matters to you to be seen as a person who reads a lot in the first place: who is that for, for you or others? and if for you, what is it you feel you will gain from such an image that you cannot get within your own enjoyment and without others’ seeing it?

in general i think a reading funk (like a writing funk) is completely normal and for me it’s also needed sometimes, but, again, i don’t know if other factors are playing into this that could be exhausting you, and you will be much better placed than me to figure out if there are needs that aren’t being met, or if you may simply need to restructure your time to allow you to focus on being able to go back to the things that make you happy. i don’t know if any of this will help you, but i hope you get something from it, even just a little bit x

[bi-bard]

Guess That Was My Stubborn Season - Lonnie Machin Imagine (Arrow)

Title: Guess That Was My Stubborn Season

Pairing: Lonnie Machin X Reader

Song: Love Him I Don't

Word Count: 1,058 words

Warning(s): yelling, mentions of violence

Summary: Finding out about Lonnie's real job allows (Y/n) to confront some very unfortunate truths.

Author's Note: I write about this man so much.

Masterlist for the Maisie Peters Writing Challenge!

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I was curled up on my sister's- Laurel's- couch with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I had tried to get some work done but my brain was foggy, and I couldn't focus for longer than a minute.

"Maybe I should get you a desk," Laurel said as she walked in with a mug in hand. "Hot chocolate with peppermint mocha creamer."

"Thank you," I muttered, taking the mug from her. "I don't need a desk. Just to get out of my funk."

She nodded and sat next to me.

I let out a shaky sigh, "I'm such an idiot."

"Don't say that," she scooted forward, moving my legs over her lap so she could do her best to hug me. "You were in love and hopeful. That's not you acting like an idiot."

I had been in a relationship for just over a year.

I had met this man a while ago. Lonnie. He was blonde and blue-eyed. Romantic and honest. It was great.

At least, I thought it was.

Then, he left his phone on the counter.

The screen lit up and there was a message there about a job. I felt guilty but I opened his phone. I don't know why someone like him didn't have a passcode. I think it's his ego. The messages were detailing information. Location, people, time, what the task was.

"Have you seen my-"

Lonnie froze when he saw me turn around.

"-phone."

"What is this," I asked. "What's this job?"

"Nothing you need to worry about," he stepped forward to take the phone, but I stepped back and held the phone back so he couldn't reach it without lunging at me.

"What is this," I repeated.

He let out a sigh, clearly struggling for an answer.

As we were sitting in the tense air, the phone buzzed in my hand. It was a different number than before. It was something about recommending Lonnie to some new boss that wanted to rule Star City.

I felt my heart sink.

"Lonnie. What is your job?"

"(Y/n)-"

"Fucking answer me," I snapped.

"I'm a mob enforcer," he answered, shrugging. "I do whatever they tell me."

"You're in a gang," I asked.

After a moment of hesitation, he nodded.

"You have a new job offer," I said with anger lacing every word.

I tossed Lonnie his phone before storming out of the kitchen area and to his room. I hadn't moved in, but I had been staying there more often than not. I snagged my duffel bag out of the closet and threw my clothes into it.

Lonnie tried to talk to me, but I walked around him like he wasn't there.

After packing, I called my sister right in front of him. I needed a ride out of there.

She showed with Oliver in the passenger seat. He got out of the car and watched the building behind me as I loaded my things into the car.

Lonnie hadn't followed me outside.

Now, I was staying with Laurel as I got back on my feet and found my own place to live. Our mom was coming out to visit in a few days to help me look at places and Dad was stopping by every day to see me.

I felt like I was a child again. It was both awful and great.

"Wanna watch a movie," Laurel asked.

I nodded.

We watched an old comfort movie of mine before Laurel went to bed. She kissed the top of my head before leaving the room.

I curled up on the couch, hoping to fall asleep for the first night since I had left.

You question a lot of things after a relationship ends.

I had questioned what Lonnie had done for work before. He had managed to make me feel stupid for questioning him. I started questioning everything about the relationship. It had been a constant pattern with everything we had been talking about.

I had been convinced that I was happy.

The realization broke my heart.

I didn't end up falling asleep that night. But it wasn't because of my insomnia.

It was because I heard the front door creak open.

I sat up, moving to grab the gun that Laurel told me she hid in the living room. I moved toward the front door with the gun held at my side.

When I caught sight of the figure, I pointed the gun at it.

"Don't move," I said, trying to stay calm.

The figure held their hands up, "Not even a 'hello'?"

"Lonnie," I muttered.

He stepped forward and turned on the lights, "Hi, baby."

"Don't call me that," I replied.

"Oh, don't be like that-"

"You lied to me for months," I said. "What did you think? 'If I date a Lance, then the cops will go easy on me.'?"

"(Y/n)," he took a few steps forward. I steadied myself. "You know that I love you."

"You lied to me for months and whenever I questioned you, you would twist it and avoid it and convince me that I was dumb for questioning you. I can't even tell if I was actually happy or if I was just convinced that I should've been."

"No-"

"I am done with you, Lonnie," I said. "I want you to leave."

"(Y/n)-"

"Leave," I snapped. That's when I heard Laurel's door open. She walked over to stand next to me.

"I'm calling Captain Lance," she threatened, holding her phone up.

"You'd be pretty useless in jail, wouldn't you," I asked, smirking a little bit.

Lonnie's jaw clenched for a moment. He sighed before grinning at me, "I'll see you soon, sweetheart."

Without another word, he walked out of the room. I let out a sigh and let the gun drop. I walked over and shut the front door, making sure it was locked. I jumped when there was a loud hit on the door.

Then, it was silent again.

"I'm still calling Dad," Laurel said. "We need extra protection."

I nodded, "I'm sorry."

She pulled me into a one-armed hug as she held the phone to her ear, "It's not your fault. We'll figure this out."

I nodded again, trying to relax.

It was going to be fine. No matter what Lonnie tried. It was over and I was going to be fine.

------------------------------------

Masterlist

What I Write For

Request Guidelines

Some Original Characters

folklore/evermore Writing Challenge (and Masterlist)

[wild-aloof-rebel]

I am not the person who sent that last writing question, but I'm also struggling with that feeling lately. Do you have any tips for getting out of it?

there's no guaranteed way out of a writing slump of course, other than time, but here are some ideas of the kinds of things that have helped me in the past...

change the scenery: whatever your typical writing routine looks like, mix it up. write by hand instead of on a computer. sit in a different room of your house, on the floor instead of on your sofa, etc. go to a park or a coffee shop or a library, if you feel safe doing so. listen to completely different music. personally when i get stuck in general, whether it's a writers block kind of thing or more of an i'm a complete imposter and who the hell allowed me to try writing in the first place kind of thing, i'm a fan of writing in the shower. it's probably something about the white noise of the running water and the lack of distractions. i know not everyone has a waterproof notepad for that purpose, but you could try noise-cancelling headphones with white noise/rain sounds instead.

analyze your old writing: re-read something you've written that you love, but don't let yourself get caught up in feeling bad that what you're doing now doesn't live up to it. instead, look at what you were actually doing and how you were doing it. what is it that is so good about it? is it word choice? is it the plotting? is it pacing? really look at it and figure out why you think it's good, and that will help you figure out what you're doing "wrong" now. for me, for example, when i've done this in the past, i've often realized that when i'm in a funk my writing becomes less complex. it gets very david said this. then he did that. patrick replied "blah." it's all fairly simple sentences and very straightforward subject-verb constructions, like my brain resorts to just putting the literal plot on the page and nothing more. re-reading my old work helps me notice that that's what i'm doing AND reminds me of other ways i could be writing those sentences. that doesn't mean putting them together that way doesn't feel like pulling teeth sometimes anyway, but it can help.

give yourself a deadline: if you're the kind of person who writes well under pressure, find a deadline for yourself to get things done. for me, i know that soft deadlines like i'm gonna finish this by next friday really don't motivate me the way harder deadlines do though. if you're like that, too, then find a fest you can sign up for. or tie your deadline to a specific date of importance (a holiday, a friend's birthday) where you can say i am publishing this specifically to celebrate this day. or find a writer friend who will agree to do an exchange with you on a particular date so that you HAVE to be done then or you'll disappoint them. i gave myself a hard deadline with my most recent fic, which i decided to write for claire's birthday, after not being able to make myself make any progress on any of my other wips for more than a month, and it worked—something about having a solid deadline just makes my brain get its shit together, lol.

start fresh: if you've written something and feel that the way you've written it is truly bad, start over. re-read that section, open a fresh doc (i'm a fan of using a distraction-free writer for this process, like zenpen), paste in the last line of the previous section, and then start writing from there all over again from scratch. a lot of times when we write a scene for the first time, we're still finding our way through it. when we re-write though, we have a much better idea of what the scene needs to accomplish, which makes it much easier to focus on how we get there—on writing it in a better way—than on just getting through it. you can always synthesize the two versions after, if there are things from the first one that you want to keep, but i find that at least starting the process with a blank page rather than trying to edit what i already have often produces much better results.

do writing-adjacent things: read books and other people's fics. brainstorm new fic ideas. play ask games about your wip here on tumblr. talk to friends about your wip. there are lots of activities that aren't actually putting words on a page that still help get you inspired, get you in the mood to write, get you re-excited about the story you're trying to tell, etc. those are all still beneficial things, even if your word count isn't getting higher.

[inthishousewestanspiderpunk]

Do y'all have it where the weirdest things can get you in a funk and you just want to rest and be hugged?

There's a show I love called It's a Sin and not only is it beautiful, amazing and sad, but it's also now on Netflix. That in itself isn't a big deal and I'm thankful I don't have to watch it on catchup or bluray now but the fact I'm being reminded of it makes me think of when I was with my ex and how I'd go to his place more than he did mine. I remember when I saw the first episode as well, it was at my ex's house and I was worried about his mum coming in and seeing it. Seeing it on Netflix has brought me back to that moment and I have to admit, it's making me spiral.

With him, he was diagnosed as having a stage 4 brain tumour after collapsing at work and it honestly was the scariest thing I've ever gone through. The guilt, the worry, how or if I'll cope, it was a lot to deal with and having autism, I'm not good with big feelings, I struggle. So for me to be dealing with that and trying to act and feel like how I felt I should, I'm worried if I wouldn't have been able to cope.

So yeah, another bit about me y'all now know and I could definitely do with hugs.

[toruland]

Oh god were opening the flood gates heh

I'm surprised I haven't told you about him sooner, he's had me in chokehold for months and I take any opportunity to talk about him honestly

TW: Death/Parent loss, Cheating(?), Just like general angst honestly, Weed/Drug mention, Monsterfucking (Ig lol)

LONG ASK IM SO SORRY HOPEFULLY IT DOESN'T CUT OFF!!!!

Oof how do I explain Alaska?

I guess I could explain his backstory and then dip into personality a bit, maybe some thirsting?

So his name is Alaska Howler and he's a 7'2", 23 year old werewolf man who's a conceited fuckboy/playboy asshole first and foremost

This is him (art by my lovely moot @/miraclecherryblossomsblog)

So for context Alaska was originally an oc for the multiplayer dating sim called Monster Prom, he was supposed to be the stereotypical asshole character that no one really like but he's hot soooo

And then I gave him Trauma™

Ugh where to start

Alaska lost his father when he was 13 to some unnamed illness, when this happened his oldest brother North (Alaska is the 3rd oldest of 7 children) had essentially patted him on the back and said to be strong for their younger siblings. North was 22 at the time so he could handle the loss a lot better.

Honestly because of this Alaska resented North but we'll get into that more later

So after the loss of his father his relationship of 5 years fell through, he wanted to marry his boyfriend, Neha, but the thing about Neha is he treats people like possessions. He only dates them so he can mark them as "his" while he still sleeps and fucks around as much as he wants. Neha HATES being tied down, the thought of fucking the same person for the rest of his life is sickening to him.

So when Neha felt Alaska was about to propose, he ghosted him.

No call, no text, no note

Just up and left overnight

Had the audacity to even act like he didn't know Alaska when they'd see eachother in public

And Alaska tried so so hard to get Neha back, asked for forgiveness and a second chance because he loved him and what did Neha do? He used that for whenever he wanted some dick on the side, he'd coo to Alaska and say "I'm sorry, let's make up" and "I should've never left you, can we talk?" just to fuck and leave

And Alaska let this happen over and over again because he was hopeful

Alaska: Neha please, I still love you

Neha: Awww Alaska, if only there was someone that loved you~

So least to say this left Alaska into a deep funk, first his dad and now the love of his life, and he just so deep and down on himself for a couple of months

Which makes his confidence so strange

He realized one day "wait, I'm hot af why am I caught up on one person when I can get anyone?", which led him into his fuckboy era

He would dress all nice, flaunt his body with anything that would show his chest or abs, throw parties, fuck and flirt with anyone, specifically girls, and just let loose ig

He also def smokes weed

Which is how he met me coincidentally

I was at one of his house parties, people were talking about it all over campus, and since I was underage (20) I was playing designated driver for my friends

I caught his eye, he'd have the usual people come to his parties all the time but he's never seen me before, so he was watching me for a bit before he made his approach

"Don't think I've seen a pretty thing like you before, can I get you a drink?"

I'd turn, my nerves were already flustered with all the loud noises and being constantly hit on, and ugh I would struggle so hard to look him in the eyes. His gaze is intense, how his eyes roam my body and he has that glint I'm his eyes. I'd look from his chest to his eyes and then back to his chest, the playful wink from his nipple piercings throwing my brain into borderline hysterics.

He's just so pretty ya know?

"I- I can't drink, I'm playing dd for the night and I'm uh not 21 yet. Someone has to get us home in one piece right?"

I'd laugh, god I'd be so nervous.

"Never said it was alcoholic," his eyes would follow my gaze and he'd lean in close. "See something you like mama?"

He'd grab my hand, his big one engulfing mine making me flinch, dragging my palm up his abs and tracing a thumb over his nipple.

"I could show you more~"

I'd yank back like i was burned, struggling to tie a sentence together without stuttering.

"Boy please, I'm not that type of girl."

He'd flash his palms in surrender, getting up and making his way to go flirt with someone else, that fucking smirk still on his face.

The one thing Alaska loved the most was a challenge

So cut to us meeting again and hanging out more, it takes a really long time but Alaska starts to open up more

Talks about himself, his father, his relationship, how he was at such a low point

He starts to hang out with me more ya know? Stops hooking up and partying and just wants to be around me and enjoying my company

He's just a lot happier around me, it's like his life has light again, like he can finally just like talk to someone and really connect

What you don't know at first glance is, because of his father dying and his ex leaving him like that, Alaska has extremely bad separation anxiety

He has abandonment issues and he's touch starved too

It cleaved a spot in his heart and he decided to fill it with anything as a distraction

He wakes up one day and is like "fuck, do I love bee?" like he's emotionally constipated, I didn't mention this before but Alaska meets me 3 years after his breakup which means 3 years of fucking around and being the resident fuckboy

He isn't used to kind words and touches, when he fucks all they care about is his bank account (he's also low-key a millionaire which again I didn't mention sorry) and how good he is a fucking like they never stay, and as much as he longs for someone to hold him or to just stay a bit longer he never vocalizes it

So having me hug and cuddle and compliment, like genuinely compliment him, is such a comcept

ESPECIALLY if I platonically kiss him on the cheek or hand or whatever I can reach

It's complicated for him to realize that I legitimately care about him, the Alaska Howler and not just his fuckboy reputation.

Like the turning point is when I told him I loved him for the first time, it was a long night of tears and him venting and being vulnerable and the morning after we were cuddled up to eachother and he didn't wanna let go

The promises of coming back over his begging for me to stay

"Alaska, puppy, I promise I'll come back okay? After my classes are over I'll come back and you can cuddle me for as long as you want."

I'd hesitate, a look of worry before I just take the plunge and say it

"I love you"

And then leave before my professor locks me out

I let him simmer in it, mull it over and really think about it

Love? Someone loves him?

It uncaps a lot of emotions, emotions he doesn't wanna deal with, so he ghosts me

Hooks up with his fav side price and ignores me for 3 months

It's... hard to accept the one ya know? Like Alaska knew I was the one and he just he couldn't deal with that. He wasn't ready for all those implications, he wasn't ready to settle down I guess. Or he thought he couldn't.

And he was so close to losing me because fuck it's been 3 months and he refuses to talk to me and it hurts to see him flaunt someone else and kiss and hold her so close

It hurts so so much but ugh he isn't mine so it isn't cheating, we aren't dating

But he texts me one night, at like 2am when I'm deep in hw, and he asks to talk to me

To meet at our spot

And I do, as much as my friends tell me not to, I go to him because i miss him so so much and I want this to work

And through tears and endless apologies we make it work, he deleted all his hookups and blocks them on everything because he wants to commit

He wants to be with me

And now we're married with 8 kids, we're in a poly relationship with two other people

Like ugh Alaska is such a puppy when you break down his walls, he's also a lil overprotective but he's just scared of something happening to you

To touch on the resentment of North, Alaska hated him because north had a similar experience, toxic ex and fuck around for a bit, but then North got married and had kids and Alaska was like "if we're the same where's my wife and family?"

There's nothing Alaska wanted more than to get married and have a family in a big house, he wanted to be happy for once

And now he is

Shit this is so so long sorry😅

There's a bit more to talk about if you're interested, I can talk about our other partners, our kids, the ring he got me, how Alaska proposed, all that good stuff -🐝

sorry for the late response, hon, i just got home from the mall about an hour ago and just settled in for the night!

anyways.

HELLO???

this is amazing, i.

also, the fanart has me drooling :(

7’2???

tall people are so sexy immmmamskdkwodlqpdh

bet yall’s kids are real cute too :(((

[supere1113]

The Artist In Me - Track 6: Gifted Alien

Here in the album lies a palpable tone change. We're 5 tracks in, and I wanted the first five tracks of TAIM to be sort of a mirror to the 5 tracks that make up Identity, as they are transcendent projects: TAIM explores the ideas that Identity lays the foundation for. This was a happy coincidence, but those five tracks almost mirror Identity in length, too! Just 2 or 3 minutes difference, Identity being longer. They ALSO mirror each other in the sense that they are kind of an exposition of me, my beliefs, my core and my values. 1) Inspiration is your friend. Love it. 2) "I can hang out with my friends, the next day, I'll be fine with reading books at my house!" Ha ha ha! 3) I'm multi-talented, and I do what I want. "And you can, too!" 4) I have big dreams, and I want to achieve them all. And 5) Imma stay original, Imma stay authentic, I tell my story, and you can come along for the ride! (I kinda set you up for what comes next in that last one ha ha ha!)

I also put a tone change here to signal a switch in the narrative at this point in the album. I go from telling you about myself and things about me, to telling you stories about my life as a preteen after I got all those values and what I experienced that defined that era of my life... while also telling you one more thing about me. I'm on the Autism spectrum.

In this, the very heart of the album, I tell you about my developmental make-up. I tell you that I am autistic. High-functioning autism is what they call mine now. If you personally know me, or have seen any of my content online, this may surprise you because you're probably thinking, "Evan never seemed autistic to me." I'll get to that in a second. Anyways, I got diagnosed when I was in 4th grade, but my mom didn't tell me until I was 11 (it was called Asperger's Syndrome at the time, but the people who diagnose it have put all of the different types of autism under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder, or autism for short since then, so I'll call it that since it's not 2009 anymore. Technicalities). Michael Jackson had died that same year she told me and that really affected me deeply. It had never happened to someone I cared that much about. Amidst that loss, I was... "gifted" with this new information as well.

My perception of autism has changed over the years, and I see it differently than I did then. But at the time, I was really confused about what that means to and for me. I didn't know how to make sense of it, how to perceive it. I was led to believe that I was like everyone else mentally, and then my mom tells me that I'm not, but in fact, markedly atypical from other kids, other people. I could write a book on autism and how to notice it in minorities, but the most prevalent "symptoms" (I hate that word) you can find in me are that I struggle to make and especially maintain eye contact. It's scary and really just... overstimulating to observe all the features of the human face. Even the moon is terrifying to look at sometimes because it looks like a giant abstraction of a human face floating in the sky! Doesn't that sound scary?! I also was born without a "social chip" in my brain if you will. "How is he able to be so nice and mannerable and perceptive without a social chip?" You can't really tell on the surface because I learned how to socialize early on, but I had to learn it like I learned math and science and reading. I'm an incredibly fast learner, so I've gotten really good at it, but socializing will never be second nature to me. Always a weird art that every other human likes to do, and I learned how to do it because I want to connect with said humans. For nearly 40% of my life, I was overtly enthralled by the Titanic. Everything about her (you can tell my enthusiasm as I address the ship as a she. This ship is my everything). The circumstances behind her sinking, the arithmetic of the dead and the survivors, the morals of the passengers, how the disaster affected human history, random facts, and most of all, her technical specifications and visual appearance. And the (in)accuracy of the many movies made about her. She's the reason I'm a designer. How's that for defining a kid's life?! For most of my childhood, I spoke mostly about Titanic and it annoyed a lot of people to hear me talk back then. The thing is, I didn't pick up on the fact that they felt that way. That's Autism. Right there. Many people "on the autism spectrum" as were categorized, are also very smart and typically skilled and blessed with some sort of talent, or multiple talents in my case. I know I'm not the only one like that, either. Michelangelo and Sir Isaac Newton were autistic as well.

So after mom told me about that, I had connected all the dots between my behaviors. So the big question became, "What am I?!"

In postmodern society, kids and honestly everybody are led to perceive diagnosable developmental differences or so-called "disabilities" as just that - disabilities. So I slowly began to believe that something was wrong with me. It became weird to have great gifts, to have a vast collection of knowledge in your head about this one thing that you're interested in. To have trouble socializing and blending in, all because God made your mind to function differently than everyone else. I wasn't mad at God, I just confused about the whole situation... and that's what this song is about. Whew!

The musical ideas explored in Gifted Alien stem mostly from hip hop of the early to mid 1990s. Boom-bap and G-funk stuff mostly. A lot of 2Pac and Biggie influences, also some gospel sauce in that mix, too. Donnie McKlurkin, Kirk Franklin/God's Property, all that. Cool stuff.

I think that Gifted Alien is the most important song on this album because of its message and the fact that it sheds light on something that isn't really discussed to the point of people having a significant understanding of it. Autism. Also minority autism. Black autism. You don't see very many musical artists talking about this stuff in pop songs or songs made for the mainstream. So if you want to share only one song from this here album, let it be this one if you like it. I want so desperately for other autistic people, regardless of age or ethnicity, diagnosed or undiagnosed, that they are not alone. I hear them, and I'm speaking for our shared community.

Hi. I'm Evan, and I am a gifted alien. And I love you personally. ❤

You can listen to Gifted Alien here if you want. This link will take you to wherever you listen to music. YouTube included. ❤