#I'm still the same Vash just missing my real body and some of my abilities and skills

[vashievoidz]

Being a fictive is so stupid because why am I having devastating emotions over someone who doesn't exist. Insane to be feeling real genuine grief over someone that I am aware isn't real, like how does that even .. work..

I've been teary eyed all day and genuinely distressed and upset even at work. Work usually helps distract me cause I'm doing stuff, but no matter how hard I tried to focus on my tasks I still just kept thinking about how much I miss him. Like it feels just SO real to me, the feelings are real, the memories are there, but I am well aware I never truly experienced any of that and it's just so crazy how that even happens. Why do I have memories of things that never happened, even things that aren't canon to my source??

Another thing that's so wild is that I get phantom pains in the spots that I have scars and stuff in my source. My arm often aches and sometimes even legitimately HURTS, but this body has all of its limbs attached, it has almost no scars, and yet.. I still feel it all. The brain is such a strange and powerful thing. Fucked up that it can make me feel these things and I don't get it. Also fucked up that I'm the only fictive in our system that goes through this level of pain. Like the others do have their issues of course and do have memories of things too, but it doesn't affect them even close to how it is for me. Aauaghh augh