#I'm still struggling with anatomy so don't judge me

[loodgack]

Metallurgist AU color reference

[tcookies777]

Where I am now

Many of you have left such kind comments and sent me messages out of concern for my wellbeing. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also appreciate your patience as I understand it can be difficult to wait months for a chapter update on a long, tedious fic such as The Anatomy of Love. Your patience for this story is always sincerely appreciated.

I've been struggling for months to find the right words to say. To decide whether to express the ache in my heart or draw lines and stay silent. But while a part of me wishes to say little to nothing on the matter out of a sense of shame, the better part of me recognizes that conversations like the one I'm about to raise are something that needs to be discussed more. If only to raise awareness of the topic or help destigmatize it. If only to normalize issues like these. If only to just help someone else who might be going through a dark period in their life as well.

It's here that I'll give a final warning of the sensitive topics of this post. So feel free to turn away now if the topic of mental illness might be upsetting.

Trigger warning: suicide and mental illness

Ok, so here goes....

My sister committed suicide. I won't go into details of course, but it was not peaceful or quiet - it was violent, gruesome, and excruciatingly painful. So much so that the police thought it might've been a murder and harshly investigated us, making everything more difficult and traumatizing than it already was.

She had battled with depression for nearly 2 decades, deteriorating far beyond recognition. We had grown estranged over the years of my childhood because she pushed loved ones away, blaming them for the way she turned out but also still relying on them to survive. An awful cycle of codependency.

I myself have been battling with high-functioning depression for the past decade, which is one reason why I struggle to respond to people's messages. From readers, friends, and family alike. I, too, have an issue of pushing people away. Because I'm ashamed for them to see how broken my life is. Because I have seen the way people judge you for having a mental illness. I have witnessed friends, family, and even Healthcare workers gaze upon the mentally ill as if they are a sore sight.

To be honest, I understand both sides; it can also be frustrating to pool all your time, effort and resources into trying to help someone who does not want to be helped. It burns you out. That despite your efforts to fight for that person, they do not fight for themselves and you're forced to watch them deteriorate in a slow, agonizing process.

"At the beginning, you’ll do your best to shoulder all my burdens. At the beginning, you’ll be strong about it. But over time, you’ll come to regret it—you'll come to regret me, and the burden that I have become to you." — Kakashi, Chapter 30 of The Anatomy of Love

On the other side, it's hard to take that step to accept the help offered to you. It's hard to find the strength to meet your loved ones halfway and help them to help you when you hardly have the strength to even get out of bed. Yet, you also feel guilty because it feels as if you are just dragging down those around you.

These are the feelings Kakashi expresses to Sakura in Chapter 30, when he tries to explain the reasons why they cannot and should not pursue a relationship. Guilt and self-loathing are the feelings that have been eating me up inside for years, as they ate at my sister as well.

We were born from a loveless, violent marriage. So we didn't know how to love each other, though we did whether we wanted to or not. Likely it was the trauma that bonded us. But put together, my sister and I were oil and water. Loving someone who is your family but is practically a stranger to you is incredibly difficult and taxing.

Yet, I understood completely. You just don't know how to show love to someone when you were never given love.

But despite my estrangement from my sister, I still love her. Being a 1st generation American often means you have nothing but your family. When you have no house, no savings, no relatives to turn to - just your immediate family - it can be a toxic, tough love where you have only that person whether you like them or not. And in Asian culture, family is especially everything even when it's completely dysfunctional.

So why am I updating TAOL now?

It's mostly for myself. Because it's my own comfort fic that allows me to engage in therapeutic writing. It's a story of loneliness and love of all forms (romantic, sexual, familial, etc). More importantly, it's a story about finding family, finding love, and finding home. Something that I've yearned for all my life.

And it's a story of pursuing happiness even when you think you don't deserve it. It's a story that shows good coping mechanisms and bad coping mechanisms and their consequences. It's a story of picking yourself up by the bootstraps even when you just want to sit and wallow in despair. And it's also a story of embracing the love of those around you and taking their hands when they reach out to you and offer their support.

At its core, The Anatomy of Love is a story about fighting loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, and mental illness with love. With the love of friends and family. And with the love for yourself. Because while it's important to have a strong support system to love and look out for you, it is just as important to love yourself and really put in the effort to take care of yourself. And sometimes that means being ""selfish"" and prioritizing yourself over others.

Why am I saying all this?

I'll admit, I'm uncomfortable revealing the skeletons in my closet to strangers online where everyone can judge and share my secrets. I'm embarrassed to admit that TAOL's themes are projections of my own desires, and for people to know that I write about such things in fanfic because of the fact that I don't have them. But I'm just too insecure to talk to anyone 1 on 1. Not to mention that, unfortunately, it's not that simple to just go to therapy (especially when the healthcare system is broke here).

Most importantly, I hope that if there's anyone out there reading this and going through a shitty point in their lives as well... I hope you are able to take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this. We individually have our own demons to fight, but we're all fighting the same battle.

I wish I could say it gets better, but there's honestly no guarantee. So many times, I've had to stop myself from telling patients "things'll get better" because that's a promise that we're taught never to make. The truth is no one knows if things really do get better. Personally, I haven't been feeling better at all. For most of my life, people have been telling me it gets better and to just be patient, but every year it actually gets worse and worse. And just when you think things are starting to look up, it instead gets even more worse.

It's tiresome waiting years for things to get better when it seems it's nowhere in sight.

But I'm trying my best to take it day by day. I do my best to get out of bed, go to work, take a proper shower, feed myself. I do my best to love myself - mostly out of fear that what little family I have will one day disappear and I will have no one left to love me. No one but myself.

But sometimes my best does not feel enough. Sometimes I hate myself more days than others.

That's okay, I tell myself. I hate myself today, but I will love myself tomorrow. I will forgive myself eventually. I can be happy eventually. One day at a time.

Because on my better days, I realize that not every person can afford to wait for things to get better. You have to be the one to take the initiative - get off your ass and take that step forward and make things better yourself. All the people around you can offer you all the help that you need, but the most important thing is that YOU have to want to help yourself.

So that's all I am able to say for now. I do apologize if my thoughts are a bit discombobulated. I am still struggling to find my feet when it feels like I'm still drowning under pounding waves of darkness. If you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Meanwhile, I hope you guys can continue to enjoy reading The Anatomy of Love. The chapter is not entirely to my satisfaction due to the last minute revisions I made, but I wanted a sprinkle of happiness in the moment. I think that's something we all need.

Also, thank you for the messages you have sent me and the comments you left. I'm truly sorry I do not have the courage or strength to respond, but please know I am forever grateful and touched that people would reach out to a stranger like me.

Hope to see you soon,

TCOOKIES

[theflyindutchwoman]

We only have two real options. Break up or one of us leaves Mid-Wilshire. It should be me. No. No, you love it here. No, I do, but there isn't an open sergeant supervisor job anywhere else in the division. I checked. Which means you would have to take a demotion. And that's not happening.

| ANATOMY OF A SCENE - CHENFORD EDITION 5.12 - Death Notice

There is something deeply symbolic in how Lucy and Tim are trying to figure out a way to stay in this new relationship while dealing with the issue of the chain of command - in the shop, of all places. With the cameras recording everything. And yet, there is no better place : this has been their sanctuary for a while, a confessional at times, despite Tim claiming the shop as a 'personal-life-free zone'. This scene also feels like a continuation of their conversation in The Collar, when they were discussing Lucy's relationship. Back then, it was about Chris and now, this is about the last remaining obstacle : the chain of command. Only, Lucy is the one with open eyes here.

I just love how neither of them even entertains breaking up… which is, honestly, kind of refreshing. Sensible too, since it is something they both knew would be coming up sooner rather than later. Anything else would have cheapened their words : they are worth taking the risk and they sincerely meant it. Still, seeing them simply dismissing this idea right away is amazing. As much as Lucy being the one to come up with the solution. The fact that she instantly suggests that she should be leaving Mid-Wilshire, shows how she has been thinking about this the moment they were assigned together again. Something that is further illustrated by how she even checked if there was any position available for Tim. She has been working on this while he was struggling with denial. And in some ways, still is, judging by his surprise at her idea, even though he knows that they can't continue like this. That was the point of the Lucy Lesson… But if he could have pretended for a little while longer, he would have. He did tell her once that he would miss riding with her and this has never been truer : he's absolutely not ready to end this chapter. But all the while, you can see the wheels turning in his head...

The thing is, he absolutely understands the sacrifice Lucy is making. Like he said, she loves it there at Mid-Wilshire. But more than that, it's where she has a family, where she feels safe. There's no guarantee she would find this in another station. And I'm not sure he wants to be separated like this either, not even getting to hear her voice on the radio. Her hesitation, the way she is trying to convince herself that this is the right call makes it clear that she doesn't like this any more than him. It's just the most convenient solution in her eyes. Tim is deflecting a bit at the end, telling her that they don't have to make a decision just yet… But that last look says otherwise. He has already made his choice. This is the same man who already rejected a promotion when she was a rookie, just so he could stay training her after all...

And how overwhelming it must have felt for him! So far he has been the one who was expected to make the sacrifices. And here is Lucy, showing him exactly that she meant it when she said he was the most important relationship in her life. But it's even more than being put first : it's about being finally included in the decision process. Something that neither Rachel, nor Ashley truly did. In many ways, he was treated as a mere afterthought. In Rachel's case, she never talked to him about searching for a job on the other side of the country until she was offered the position. Her choice was already made, it was pretty much a done deal. The only thing left to discuss was whether he would join her or not. But at no point did they discuss what would be best for them as a couple. He didn't really factor in - which is her right, of course. With Ashley, she was so gung-ho on him retiring because she got uncomfortable with the danger of the job that she sprung this idea of retirement on him. She was scared, between her father having heart issues just as he was finally retired and Tim being at risk of being paralysed due to an old bullet she didn't even know about. And that is perfectly understandable. She saw her dad wait for a decade before retiring and he might not get to enjoy it for too long… So I can see why she would want Tim to leave the force while he still could. But instead of having a conversation, of sharing these fears, she focused on herself and ultimately made him choose while he was just waking up from surgery.

And on the other hand, you have Lucy… Who not only never asked him to sacrifice his career for her, but was ready to make the change herself so he didn't have to. Who dismissed the idea of him taking a demotion. Just like she was there to help him study and get that promotion. She has been his biggest supporter, right from the beginning, protecting him from himself at times, reminding him of who he was when he was close to cross a line he wouldn't have been able to come back from. This is no different here : she makes sure to include him in the decision process. It is very much a conversation on how THEY should proceed. Because she knows firsthand what it's like to be asked by your loved ones to quit something you love… This is also such a powerful moment for her. For years, she has been hesitant and downright reluctant to commit to any of her relationships. And dating Tim for a few weeks was enough for her to be ready to take this huge step.

This time, it's not one-sided : this is an equal relationship. And Tim is not going to hesitate. Because Lucy is worth the effort. They both are. And so is their relationship.

[bijoumikhawal]

Bite the Hand that Starves You: Chapter One

(originally posted 12/5/23 on AO3)

Fic as of chapter contains: discussion of abortion, references to drug use, intersex and trans characters

---

Julian shouldn’t have been in the infirmary at this hour. His shift ended quite some time ago, but while he was up eating a middle of the night snack, he realized he’d forgotten a personal padd down here with a book he’d been reading on it. He certainly could have replicated a new one. But the excuse to get in a decent walk and enjoy the quiet of the station at night had convinced him otherwise.

Vusora wasn’t up and about the main room of the infirmary. More likely than not a patient had called for her- over-nighters were moved to private rooms, if possible. Ishiha either was also helping a patient or had been allowed to rest early.

Julian felt a bit uneasy, though this was all normal.

His unease grew when he heard a slight sound from near the back.

Quietly, he walked towards it. Maybe it was a nurse. If it wasn’t, he didn’t want to tip them off.

He heard another scuffling sound, and he was close enough to determine it was the pharmaceutical closet, normally locked. Then silence.

When Julian had the inside in his direct line of sight, it was hard to describe what he felt.

“Oh, Garak.”

Garak didn’t turn to face him, simply holding still like he was contemplating the possibility of melting into the shelf.

---

Julian sat down across from Garak in his office. "Alright. Why were you attempting to steal from the infirmary stores?"

Garak had gone along with him without struggle, but was petulant as expected. "Why do you think? Surely you remember the last few months."

Julian rested his chin on his hand. He certainly did. After Garak claimed to be recovered, there naturally were aftershocks. He reluctantly submitted himself to checkups- for a week. Then he abruptly refused to see just about anyone, working on alterations from his quarters and only having his shop open for two hours each day, primarily to allow customers to pick up their orders and do final fittings.

That bizarre behavior had ended a few weeks ago… not too long before the incident with the Dominion simulation.

"I'm just curious, if you are looking for a high, whatever made you think this would do it." Julian held up the vial, having slipped it into his hand while ushering Garak out.

"I'm curious as to why you haven't called security."

Julian continued, ignoring him. "Perhaps you were reaching for something else?" He rolled the vial in-between his fingers before putting it on his desk. "Because this is a Rigellian abortifacient. And while I'm not certain, the information I do have leads me to believe taking any significant dosage would likely give a Cardassian liver damage." It was a 77.6 percent likelihood based on current data, his brain provided helpfully.

Garak looked at him balefully, saying nothing.

Julian tapped the top of the vial. "I would've hoped you had learned not to hide this sort of thing from me, Garak."

"Yes, yes, you're very clever, doctor. You simply know about every sneeze on this station the second it happens." Garak said with a sneer.

"Are you pregnant, Garak?"

Garak retreated again. "Don't be absurd."

"What's absurd about it? I haven't done that kind of examination, of course, so I don't know your personal anatomy, and that makes it a very fair question."

His mouth was held in a firm, thin line.

"Garak. I'm not judging you, or whatever it is that made you think stealing medication was a wise course of action. I just want to help." Julian paused. "And if you are, even a Bajoran medication-"

"-Is still not suited to my biology and has similar risks to what you have in your hand right now. I decided acute liver failure was preferable to cardiopulmonary damage."

Julian didn't smile. "Alright. I'm fairly certain it's less likely, but that would be a risk." He made a mental note that Garak might have a family history of heart and lung problems.

Garak seemed put out that by saying such, he had admitted to the issue. He also just- seemed tired. Some of his hair had escaped the hold of the styling product he normally used. There was redness in his eyes, too, and though the implant had been deactivated months ago, he still looked somewhat ill.

Julian leaned forwards. “I’m not currently planning on reporting this.”

Garak scoffed. “I guessed as much. You should, you know.”

Julian closed his eyes and inhaled. “Which of us is the doctor, again? You seem to have come under the impression that it’s you.”

“When it comes to me, I should think we’re evenly matched.”

Julian didn’t rise to the bait. “As I said, I just want to help. Unfortunately, my knowledge is limited in this area.”

Garak’s hand settled on the desk. Julian picked up the vial again.

“Give me two months.” Julian said. “And if I don’t have a better option, I’ll administer the dose. I’ll do everything I can to mitigate the side affects- anything you need.”

Garak was death-still, gaze tilted downwards.

Julian cautiously reached out, resting his hand on Garak’s upper arm. He could feel his muscles stiffen, then relax under his touch. “I would think this goes without saying, but I will speak of this to no one on this station. And if you need someone- to talk to, to help you, to-“

“I understand.” Garak said, in the tone of someone who just wished you’d stop talking.

Julian gave his arm a squeeze.

“Is this something you offer for all your patients?”

“You’re my friend as well as a patient.” Julian keyed his office door back open, standing at the door to let Garak know he could leave like a dvarapala. “It's late- you should head home, get some rest. I’ll call you when I’m more prepared to help you with this.”

Garak didn’t need much encouragement to go. Julian went back to his office to mark down some notes. And when he left, of course he almost forgot his padd again.

---

Nothing was quite as humiliating as getting caught while doing something he should have been perfectly capable of. And worse, he wasn’t even in trouble for it, because it was such a pathetic thing to be caught doing.

Garak kicked the wall of the turbolift with uncharacteristically unrestrained violence. Of all the things that could compound the situation here, this was the last thing he’d expected. It was a possibility, yes- but it had slipped his mind entirely in the years he'd spent as the only Cardassian on the station, which was unforgivable.

And of course, of course Dr. Bashir had been understanding about it. Garak wished he had called security. There were rules, and so there were consequences. That all made sense. Mercy! What was mercy- foolishness, a tool of confusion, a lapse in duty!

Everything was so sharp without the wire.

He wondered to himself, if Dr. Bashir was relieved that he hadn’t been trying to get high, or if he was confounded by him having yet another medical issue. Probably not the latter- challenges were met with eagerness and a cocksure attitude that a solution could be found. Dr. Bashir was still early in his career, after all, and even doctors with decades of experience…

He needed an auxiliary plan. Certainly, Dr. Bashir had said he’d administer the treatment himself, but he’d only said it, and even if he’d offered to make a record of it, he was free to change his mind. It was a privilege of expertise.

He wondered what all got reported back to the Order about him these days, if they had surveillance on the infirmary, and if Tain was thinking on him with disgust already.

A moment of anger seized him. If Tain thought so of him, he had no one to blame but himself. It was his “tactical decision” that had gotten Garak unto this mess, a simple “no” on his part, or even stating that he didn't care what Garak did, and this never would have happened. Or even-

Garak breathed. Counted. Centered himself.

Allowing such thoughts to fester would only worsen his chances of no longer being exiled. No use in bitterness over the past. He had enough to deal with- and it was almost more than he could handle.

Ideally, when he exited the turbo lift, no one who may be watching noticed anything was amiss. Aside from him perhaps seeming tired. A particularly kind person might’ve asked, “late night?” he imagined, if the corridor to his quarters was not silent save for his own footsteps.

The difference between the temperature in his quarters and the rest of the station was such that opening the door felt like a wall of fire coming to meet him. He had limited the impulse to tamper with the environmental controls in previous years- but when he felt his out of season mating cycle coming on, well. It became necessary. And when it ended abruptly, he hadn't the sternness to turn it back down.

A shudder went through him at the thought of how necessary it’d become if this wasn’t dealt with.

That wouldn’t happen. He would make a plan of his own if this fell through.

---

Julian summoned him to his office a week later, still in the late hours when Garak had first gotten caught. He phrased it as “a follow up for your implant, to set my mind at ease”.

Garak had (painfully) skipped their lunch that week, so this would be the first time seeing him since that night.

The corridors were just as empty as they’d been last time. It wasn’t quite as late as it had been then, but even Quark’s was closed.

Julian was sitting in his office. When Garak closed the door behind him, he immediately began fiddling with a small device next to him, and sat it down on his desk once he was satisfied.

“A signal jammer? Why, doctor, I’d think having recordings of your patients in general was a major ethical violation.”

“It’s not for me. But you know that.” Garak did- he knew that Odo and the good doctor had come into rather major disagreement over the former’s desire to install recording equipment in the infirmary.

Julian also had a pad of paper and a pen sitting on his desk. Off Garak’s look, he said, “You can’t hack paper. I assume you’d prefer this is kept… relatively off the record.”

A correct, though complicated assumption. All of this was already “on the record”- logs of doors being opened and turbolifts being used, security camera footage (Garak was reasonably sure he’d avoided that until he got caught last time, but hadn’t bothered after that), and so on. Julian had provided some cover by having his communication obscure the nature of his late night visits, but Garak felt somewhat doubtful he would be able to keep it that way- no matter how much he wished it, that the only evidence in the end would be memory.

“First. Are you certain you’re pregnant?”

Garak glared at him. “Do you think I’d try to steal from the infirmary on a suspicion?”

“I need to know where we’re at, Garak, and that includes asking questions you may find stupid. How did you find out? How long ago do you think this happened?”

Garak looked down to his hand, which had located a loose thread in the chair upholstery and was spinning it between his fingers, feeling the slubbed texture. “It happened a little over a month ago. There were some… unexpected behavioral changes, and certain biological processes didn’t quite happen as expected since.”

“I would prefer specifics, if you can.” Garak’s eyes slowly met his. Julian held up a hand.

“I did say if you can. I don’t doubt you’re certain based on the information you have, but I’m not familiar with this area of Cardassian healthcare, and with any patient I’d rule out any chance of false positives before proceeding.”

“How can you rule out a false positive if you don’t know?”

Julian tapped his pen against his desk. “Why do you think I waited a week before asking you to come for a preliminary appointment?”

The knowledge that Julian already likely knew specifics of why Garak might be reticent to be detailed made him no less embarrassed. Let him put the pieces together, if he knew so much. “I've had an increased need to be warm, a dramatically increased appetite followed by a low one, sluggishness, worsened mood, and pheromone changes.”

“You can sense your own pheromone changes?” Julian asked as he scribbled notes.

“You can smell when you sweat, can’t you?” Garak replied. “Among other… things, the latter in particular makes me quite certain of what’s going on.”

Julian opened a desk drawer- how clever of him, Garak thought irritably, keeping things out of sight until he needed them- and brought out two sets of a swab and a container. “If you don’t mind.”

Garak tilted his head to the side, allowing Julian to rub each swab over his jaw glands. “Out of curiosity- how do you plan to test those if this is “off the record”?” he asked, distracting himself from his increased heartbeat at having to adopt the posture.

“I’ll say I’m testing the equipment. It doesn’t get logged in patient records, so anyone you’re worried about wouldn’t immediately think to look there, it’s a separate indexing system, and I schedule tests on a regular basis. I can claim that I think there was an error and retest within a few days if that makes you feel better- bury the data somewhat.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary.”

Julian put the swabs away. “Are there any particular medical concerns you have?”

“Other than the obvious?” Garak had managed to tear the thread out by now, and his spinning was making it twist into a little ball. He dropped it.

Julian looked at him, trying to be compassionate- Garak hated it. And he hated that he was aware the reaction wasn’t founded on anything he had actually done to offend Garak, not really. It was evidence to Garak’s- problem.

“I don’t want to be pregnant. That’s all.”

Julian nodded. “I understand. There’s a few more questions I’d like to ask, if you would.”

Garak leaned back in the chair with a sigh.

[prpfz]

❤️‍🔥 hello everyone! 18f seeking other 18+ roleplayers for some oc x oc, fandomless rp! so this is my first time asking for some fandomless rp, but i would really love to give it a go. there are some things that i absolutely want to include, and will list those below. but just for some more information: i write on discord and use tupper (though tupper is not required) and tend to match my partner in writing style. however, i can write anywhere from a few paragraphs to two full discord messages with the character limit. so with that established, here's what i'm looking for!

the aspects that i'm absolutely looking for include:

• omegaverse (with my oc as the omega!)

• m x m. however, i usually prefer writing my oc with f anatomy. still m x m because of the fc and because he is a boy - but i am also open to writing him with assigned anatomy!

• mpreg. don't judge me, i just like it. it's not for everyone and that's fine, but i enjoy it!

• understanding: i am autistic and do have mental health struggles. i will not ghost you, and will answer literally whenever i can. but if i say things that are blunt etc, just let me know and i will immediately correct myself.

one aspect that isn't required but i would love is if your oc had an Adam Driver fc 🤭 it is not required at all but it would be super cool.

now for some themes that we could do for a plot! i am open to whatever you may suggest too, these are just a list of some of my favourites. but i am open to anything!

• apocalypse/dystopia

• medieval

• mafia

• modern/slice of life

smut is not necessarily required, but i would prefer to have it included. we can work out the smut : plot ratio amongst ourselves, i'm sure!

so, if you find this idea appealing, please like this post and i will reach out to provide my discord so we can begin chatting there! thank you! and thank you to the lovely mods for everything they do!

give a like and anon will get back to you

[the-gayest-show]

6, 8, 31 (for artist ask game!)

6. Favorite thing to draw?

At the moment, probably Cedric. Spent the entire day drawing him yesterday (will post the results of that eventually) and it was damn enjoyable. Generally as like an artist thing I guess expressions, I've always loved them! So much changes about a face judging by the eyebrow, eye shape, mouth, etc. I've always gravitated towards them as both something I think I'm good at capturing and something I enjoy drawing.

8. Thing you struggle to draw?

Anatomy to a point (?), but extension full body is a definite struggle for me. Like technically I spent like $200 on a 2 month class but probably picked up like 2-3 things. Learning things is hard when there's no motivation attached to it. I'll get back into it later maybe

But also backgrounds because I haven't drawn one, like, ever so uhhh I don't think I've ever drawn a piece with a background. I do intend on doing that in the near future though.

31. Which fandom have you drawn the most for?

Great question! I would probably say The Ghost and Molly McGee in recent memory because I remember a summer last year where I basically filled my sketchbook with various tgamm drawings and was drawing daily/rather consistently. I've probably drawn every single human tgamm character at least once.

I can still draw Molly's hair from memory and Scratch as well. That show changed me as an artist for sure. I don't think I've done that with a lot of fandoms (good omens is an exception but even then not as much bc I have a track record of inserting the characters in school art assignments, what a time that was).

[kimeow7]

Eternal Shadows ch.5

Eternal Shadows (m) Chapter 5. The Deal

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader (f)

Rating: Mature (18+) Please do not read if you are underage.

Shorter chapter. I introduce another character using the image of RinRin Doll (Youtuber) as inspiration. 

Warnings: Hospital. Talks about death, brain tumor, psychosis, Some mentions of anxiety, and yet again poor attempt at humor.

if you are uncomfortable reading this story please refrain from doing so.

Again this chapter hasn't been revised. The grammar might be off and certainly, i am not a medical professional so the descriptions of the procedures and the hospital itself are simply based on watching way too much Grey's Anatomy. ¯\(°_o)/¯

Enjoy, and please... Be nice :) 

Disclaimer: All members of BTS as well as Youtuber RIinRin Doll, are used as inspiration for the characters in this story. However, this is a work of fiction and should not be seen as a projection, representation, or judgment of the real-life individuals. The scenarios and representations depicted in this story are entirely fictional and do not aim to convey any aspects of real life.

"We're losing her!" You hear the faint yet urgent voice. Is that Dr. Kim? "We require epinephrine, her heart—"

Beep.

Beep.

"Her heart has resumed normal rhythm, what in the...?"

Your eyes slowly flutter open, momentarily blinded by the intense brightness surrounding you.

"Y/n!" You gaze up at Dr. Kim, his handsome features etched with concern, a thin layer of sweat glistening on his forehead.

You blink, once, twice, thrice.

"Can you hear me?" he asks again, his voice filled with a mix of relief and caution.

You nod, unable to form words due to the overwhelming sensations coursing through your body.

"I need an electrocardiogram immediately!" The doctor urgently instructs the nurses, his tone conveying the gravity of the situation.

"Doctor," you croak with a hoarse voice, struggling to find your bearings. "What happened?"

"You keep attempting to leave us, Y/n. I won't allow it," he responds with a gentle smile. The nurse quickly hands Dr. Kim the test results. "I don't understand what's happening. There's nothing indicating any issues... except for the obvious, of course," he says, referring to your tumor.

"How are you feeling?" he inquired, concern evident in his voice.

"Tired," you manage to respond, your voice weak. You take in your surroundings, finding everything appearing normal despite the dire circumstances. It's then that your heart races, and the memory of Yoongi, the god, and his offer floods your mind. You attempt to sit up, driven by a sudden urgency.

"Whoa, whoa! Take it easy, Y/n. Your heart stopped for a few seconds," Dr. Kim cautions, gently guiding you back into a reclined position.

"How long?" you ask, your voice filled with urgency. Dr. Kim furrows his brow. "How long was I gone?"

"Not more than a minute—"

"A minute? No! Yoongi... he said I'm going to die! Doctor!"

"Yoongi? Y/n, what are you talking about? Please calm down, your heart—" Dr. Kim tries to soothe you, but you interrupt him, panic and euphoria intermingling within you. Yoongi's voice still resonates in your ears, his gaze firm and commanding, his words echoing through your mind.

You have denied a god, and yet he has given you a chance to reconsider. But deep down, you know you cannot comply. Which means—

"I don't want to die," you cry out, your voice filled with desperation.

"Y/n, I am doing everything within my power to prevent that outcome. I promise to give my utmost effort," Dr. Kim reassures you, his tone filled with empathy. "But I need you to try and calm down."

"I can't... he's going to let my soul rot in the underworld, Dr. Kim! If I don't judge other souls for him... he's going to—" You struggle to articulate your thoughts, your fear and urgency palpable.

"Y/n, what are you talking about?" Dr. Kim places his hands gently on your shoulders, trying to anchor you. "You are safe here. Please, try to calm down."

"But he said— Dr. Kim, you don't understand!" You raise your voice, attempting to break free from the doctor's hold, consumed by a mix of defiance and fear. You have denied a god, and that is all you can think about, along with his ominous warning. If you refuse, your soul will not be collected, denying you eternal rest. You try to stand up, and Dr. Kim tries to restrain you, but you fight against him, pushing and kicking, unable to find calm.

"Nurse! I need a sedative!" Dr. Kim calls out urgently, his voice filled with concern. He manages to hold you down, pleading with you to calm down, but your panic is overwhelming. Your mind races as you feel the effects of the sedative taking hold, your body becoming paralyzed, your muscles relaxing, and your thoughts becoming hazy. Your eyes grow heavy.

And then you catch a glimpse of him, Yoongi, In the doorway, leaning to the left.

"I can't," you whisper, your voice barely audible as you lock eyes with Yoongi's figure.

"You will," he responds, his words soundless, yet you hear them resonate within you.

And then, you drift into sleep.

****

"It's progressing for the worse," you strain to hear the voice, barely audible. "Last night, she experienced a brief episode of cardiac failure, followed by spontaneous restoration. This is concerning because the underlying cause remains unknown."

"Oh my god," Jimin's voice breaks through, recognizable with concern. Why won't your eyes open?

"In addition, she had a psychotic episode. I suspect that her tumor is exerting increased pressure on her frontal lobe, leading to vivid hallucinations or distressing nightmares. We need to perform surgery soon," Dr. Kim explains, his voice filled with urgency.

"What about her platelet count... as you mentioned yesterday?" Jimin's voice trembles with worry.

"There has been no improvement according to her latest test results. I will order a platelet transfusion immediately, with the hope of having her in the operating room as soon as tomorrow," Dr. Kim responds, determined.

"Thank you, Dr. Kim," your friend Jimin expresses gratitude.

You hear the door opening and closing, and the faint sound of a sniffle. Is Jimin crying? Why won't your eyes open?

Focus," Y/n," you tell yourself, determined to regain control. With all your strength and focus, you command your eyes to open. And they do. You see Jimin sitting on the sofa across the room, typing something on his phone. Then your gaze shifts to the window. It's a cloudy day today, a stark contrast to the previous day.

"It's raining?" you ask, seeking confirmation.

"Fuck! You're awake!" Jimin rushes to your side, his hands gently cupping your cheeks. "How are you feeling?"

"Like a damn zombie," you respond, your voice weak. "Can I have some water?" you ask, and Jimin quickly retrieves your water, holding the straw to your lips. You try to raise your hands, but you realize they're restrained. Panic surges through you as you look down at your tied-down hands, then at Jimin.

"The doctor said it was for your own safety, that you had a psychotic episode," he explains, pointing to the restraints.

"It wasn't a psychotic episode, it was..." You hesitate, realizing that if you show any signs of losing your mind again, they might sedate you. Despite feeling enraged, confused, and utterly terrified, you decide not to reveal the truth. You don't want to heavily be medicated, especially not when a supposed god could enter through that door and determine your fate. "It was just a nightmare," you tell your friend, trying to sound as composed as possible.

Jimin runs his fingers through your hair, a sympathetic expression on his face. "I know, hun. I know it must have been terrifying."

You nod, wishing you could confide in Jimin, wishing he could believe you. But deep down, you're still unsure of yourself.

If Yoongi is real if he truly exists as the god he claims to be... you are completely and utterly screwed. There's no way you could accept his deal, let alone have the courage to decide the fate of any other soul. Yet, you're terrified of what he said would happen if you deny it.

He won't collect your soul. He will condemn you to eternal damnation, lost and rotting in the underworld.

Fear once again fills your insides, and Jimin must sense your distress because he wraps his arms around you, holding you tightly. "I'm here Y/n. I won't go anywhere," he assures you.

For what feels like hours, you allow yourself to be comforted in Jimin's embrace. But before long, the door to your room flies open, interrupting the moment.

"What the—" Jimin begins to say before turning to address the person who interrupted your moment of relaxation. "Why doesn't anyone knock on the door in this place?" he exclaims, releasing a sigh of frustration.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your cuddling session. I should have waited to find out what the hell is happening to my best friend," the person remarked, and you compose yourself by raising your head to look behind Jimin.

"Rin," you say, acknowledging your other friend. Rin stands in the doorway, arms crossed, a look of panic on her gentle features.

"You scared the shit out of me, Y/n!" she exclaims, rushing to your side. "How are you feeling?"

How are you feeling? It's both interesting and annoying how every interaction from now on will start with that same question. You don't even know how you feel; Physically, you're tired, mentally, you're scared, terrified, and confused. How can you possibly answer? How can you even begin to explain?

"I'm... fine," you say, though the word feels inadequate.

"Fine? That's it?" Rin responds, clearly not satisfied with your answer. You nod, knowing that Rin understands you better than anyone, even Jimin. It's as if you and Rin share a connection, a telepathy, as she calls it. She scrutinizes your face, taking in every feature, every expression. "Tell me everything. What's going on?"

"A brain tumor, Rin. I thought Jimin had told you," you reply, frustration creeping into your voice.

"Yeah, yeah, you have a brain tumor, and you might die. But that's not what I'm asking, is it?" Rin challenges, her voice filled with concern.

You analyze her expression, knowing she won't be satisfied. She never is. Maybe it's the lawyer in her that can't accept a fleeting answer as the truth. You gulp down the thick saliva that collects in your mouth, feeling scared and worried about how she will react if you were to confide in her about the reality of your distress. Because, obviously, your brain tumor should be your main concern, but in reality, you are mostly consumed by fear and anxiety over Yoongi and the deal.

You know your friends would listen to you, that they would try to understand. Yet, you don't know if they would consider you crazy, psychotic, or worse.

"I... I've been having hallucinations," you begin to explain, and Rin nods while Jimin, standing behind you gently moves his hand up and down your arm, offering you comfort. His touch reassures you that you can confide in them. "It's about... a god."

Rin's eyes widen, and she waits, patiently listening as you recount the entirety of your story. Once again, you start with the elevator, describing your room, and how Yoongi seemed to stop time and transport you to what appeared to be another dimension. You tell your friends about the deal he offered you, leaving no detail untold.

The room falls into a heavy silence. You try to gaze into the eyes of both of your friends, attempting to discern their thoughts, but their expressions reveal nothing. Rin stands beside you, her arms crossed tightly over her chest, a deep frown etched across her forehead, while gazing Jimin downward, seemingly lost in deep contemplation.

"I know it sounds utterly insane, but—" you begin to say, but Rin raises her hand, motioning for you to stop talking.

"The god, Yoongi, he offered you a deal," she states, and you nod in confirmation. "Well... you should consider making a counteroffer."

Your eyes widen in disbelief. Did she actually believe you? Could it be that your friend shares the same unwavering belief in the truth of your claims as you do?

"W-what?" you manage to respond, your voice filled with surprise.

Rin nonchalantly shrugs her shoulders. "Based on what you explained, the deal he proposed to you is not entirely set in stone. It was vague, centered around judging souls, right?" She pauses for a moment, waiting for your affirmation before continuing. "But he didn't specify how many souls, for how long, or provide any guidelines for this judgment. And who exactly are you supposed to be judging?"

"Are you seriously suggesting that she... bargain with a god?" Jimin interjects, his voice filled with incredulity, causing your eyes to widen even further.

They are serious. They believe you. And you smile, they believe you, you are not alone in this.

"All I'm saying is that there are loopholes in his conditions. And if there's a gap in his proposition, I don't see why she can't propose an alternative," Rin asserts, her tone displaying a lawyer's ability to see opportunities and exploit them.

"This is madness, are we seriously considering—" Jimin begins to speak again, but in her characteristic manner, Rin raises her hand, silencing him once more.

"Y/n shared this experience with us, and I believe her. Shouldn't you?" Rin directs her question towards your other friend.

"Of course I do," Jimin responds, his voice filled with conviction, and Rin smiles reassuringly at you.

"Then, y/n... let's formulate a proposal. Yoongi gave you a week, correct?" You nod in confirmation. "Do you have the ability to summon him at will?" Rin inquires.

"I... I don't know. He just appears," you admit, unsure of the extent of your control over summoning him.

Rin hums in contemplation. "Alright," she says, clapping her hands together. "This is what you should do..."

[sansloii]

@hhemeraa | send me a number

10. anons

Imma be real honest--i don't use anon much anymore. anything i send, i usually just... send as is. mostly because tumblr is weird and will eat things without explanation so it makes more sense to not use anon so i have the option of following up and be like "hey, i sent you an ask. did tumblr eat it?" if i need to. if you send it on anon... kinda defeats the purpose of anon if you have to ask about it ( thus revealing yourself ). i'm also of the belief that if i send something to you, i want you to know it was me :) it's probably very obvious anyway but still.

i don't mind getting anons though! sometimes, stuff has to be sent through anon ( such as asks from rp sideblogs and such ) so i keep it on for myself purely 'cause of that.

19. smut

when i started this blog waaay back in... 2016/2017 (it's one of those years) i was not at all confident in my ability to write it at all. it was one of those things where i was like "oh i can't write it well and it's gonna be on the dash and everyone will see it and judge me" or some shit like that. i didn't even write it on skype ( which i still had at the time ) or discord ( i think i had one in 2016 but barely used it ) and just kinda like... alluded to the fact that some spicy things had happen.

fast forward a couple years and meeting my lovely, lovely friends on this hellsite and now I don't care as much about the insecurities i had in the beginning because i realized we are all struggling with the same things. if it's not a generalized "what the fuck is anatomy?", it's "how many ways can i describe this body part that doesn't make me want to toss my laptop out a window" or "did i write that already? lemme go back and see if i did." or "i don't have enough adjectives in my vocabulary or mental brain power behind my eyes to intricately write muse a gave muse b a sloppy toppy."

we're all struggling. we're all trying to make our muses sexy. it's okay. we can struggle together!

i can totally understand if someone is not comfortable with writing it for a myriad of reasons and honestly, more power to you. do what makes you comfortable and i honestly don't care if someone does or doesn't write it. or chooses to just write it in dms with specific people. if that's more your speed, then fly down that highway.

29. blocking

as someone who is a former "blocking is mean. what if i hurt their feelings? i can just ignore it" type of person, i will tell you that the block button is your best friend. some of the weirdest/worst people i have ever met have come from this site and after being here for just under a decade and going from one blog to another and just... settling here? i have no patience for nonsense that really gets on my nerves. i am here to mow ass and eat hay and if you disturb that, you need to go

that isn't to say that i use it liberally or that my block list is a mile long, though. it's more that i know the block button is a tool the site provides for you in order not see anyone you don't want to see or don't want to have in your space. and so, i am going to use that tool when i see fit and so should you. i have people i don't like and don't want interacting with my posts. i'm sure someone somewhere doesn't like me and doesn't want me interacting with their posts. block button fixes all that.

i also use blacklists to reinforce this little wall i have up so me? I am a happy camper here. i have my bubble, my space, and i'm content with that.

the only time i can say where it really sucks is when... someone i'm actively talking to and thinking i'm getting along with blocks me. it hurts and i get a little sad about it... but again, they're well within their right to do that. whatever is going on in their head and caused that, however, is another complicated story that's between them and god unless they wanna talk about it.

[jaypentaghast]

Good and Bad art, huh. *rubs hands together*

During the Renaissance a lot of rules for art were created, and to achieve mastery artists had to learn how to replicate the world as we see it through our human eyes (and thus laws of perspective were born, human anatomy was studied, etc). This still continues to this day in many circles, which is why art is often judged by how well it mimics reality. This is human-imposed.

Marius had these technical skills, for the time period he was in. I think he solely can't replicate Armand because he either doesn't want to or because it's... a painting not actually depicting the actor.

The showrunners chose the artwork made by Marius because it was already in the Louvre catalogue and apparently it was the one that most resembled Assad? I can't see it either but, yeah :/ (Marius's quite racist too I've heard? I'm not sure, I don't know this character very well, maybe they'll make it intentional?)

Also he may be a total dick but that painting in Dubai is SICK. Here's the link to the full thing.

Edit: a lot of what we consider good art isn't innovative, and a lot of innovate, good art tries to not depict anything.

As for Lestat's songs, they are made by a very talented composer and are deemed good in universe, as well.

Nicki's song and Come to Me are beautifully written songs that centre emotions I'd personally say are very human. And you have your own opinion of Long Face, which is valid! But even "Long Face" is good in that it achieves what it intends. It's written to be campy and fun. Again, it's ok if you don't like it, but it's supposed to be a catchy tune that has an in-universe purpose.

But the fact of the matter is that we know Lestat has the knowledge to make more complex music and his songs are liked by people.

I don't know if Armand's plays are "good" or "bad" since I know next to nothing of The Theatre™, still they attract a small crowd. I think they are simply something that Armand enjoys and they are... meant to serve a purpose 💀

Besides there's the thing, he tried to make something innovative... maybe like a human would?

So, to your other point. Vampires don't completely lose ties with their humanity, that's a big theme in the show. They are the most human of monsters. They struggle so much because there's still a part of them that clings to that human side but they can't embrace it fully because it would mean facing their own failing moralities.

A big part of the genre when it comes to monsters is seeing the humanity in them, seeing yourself in them, otherwise King Kong is just a big monkey who destroys a city because he's big and a monkey.

REGARDLESS, in technical terms: they are good at their art.

And you've heard it before but here it goes again: art is subjective. You can like it or dislike it but what makes even human art good or bad? That it's made by humans? What if Vulcans existed and made art? What about any other sentient alien? Aren't vampires very much alike to sentient aliens?

Louis' photos are deemed "bad" because they do not achieve that which in that particular period of time was considered desirable.

If you watch the episode you can see that the art dealer guy isn't asking for anything innovative, he shows Louis photos of what he wants to see in a photograph. There's already a precedent, and to break that mold means to face a lot of criticism.

You are usually adviced to learn the fundamentals before you can find your own style. (It's good advice in today's world! But why would ancient Egyptian artwork need anatomy or perspective as we learn it today? Their art didn't represent reality as we see it, that's not what they wanted to achieve. They had their own set of rules to learn and their own symbolism to adhere to.)

Louis could have improved if he wished, he could have shaped his photos in the way he was told to because he's immortal and has all the time in the world. But Louis doesn't take the criticism very well and he chooses not to move forward with that.

"They're equally good and bad", on a technical level and in context, not really. That's where the critique from that guy comes from and why those other dudes had more success.

But selling is a very capitalistic interpretation of success (which aligns with Louis honestly)!!! And art is subjective!!! And you can like whatever you like!!!

I've seen people try to make the claim that lestat, armand, and even marius were good at their art forms, and it was just louis that sucked at his chosen art form.

are we reading/watching the same series?

vampires are bad at art. they can't do art. art is a human trait, and they are no longer human. their capacity to make meaningful, innovative art has been severed, as penance for the dark gift. lestat's lyrics are cringe, marius can't accurately capture the likeness of his muse (i.e. WHITEWASHES them), and armand makes plays/musicals like...that. their art forms come with a thick layer of ignorance. there are certain aspects of their art that are good; lestat's voice, armand's drama, marius technical skill, etc. but the emotion and humanness of art that draws us, humans, to it, is gone. not for their lack of trying, necessarily. they do try. they just...can't.

in the same breath, we can argue that louis wasn't good at getting the right 'moment,' but louis was successful in capturing people that meant something to him. claudia, armand, his victims, etc. that was his goal. he achieved that. so. they are all equal parts good and bad at their chosen art form, such is the consequence of being a vampire.

[schreiwen]

to the person of my past

your projection hurt

it infiltrated so many of the ways you treated me, and treated others

pain and fear and unease and shame all thrown onto me, onto everyone else in your life

everyone but you

"do you think this might be projection? we should talk about it" "no, don't you dare tell me what i'm thinking! i know exactly how i feel! you're projecting!"

it started with someone you called a best friend

regularly putting them down, insulting them for having unique interests and strange-perceived interactions with other friends, things you called childish and immature and embarrassing

judging harshly for harmless things that never affected you, such as questioning nicknames between friends, their choice to ship themselves with fictional characters, not applying themselves in their personal life, not being a good artist, calling them mentally stunted

always annoyed and bothered and venting, constantly wishing to end your friendship with them and yet turning back around, smiles and pleasantries

i felt sympathy for them, i felt bad for you

do you self ship now, i wonder? do you exchange "i love you"s to every kind mutual on the internet? do you not struggle in your own personal life? does this same friend know about all the negative things you've felt about them, and do you still smile their way?

it continued with family

judging them for not applying themselves, how they constantly make excuses rather than make an effort to change. ranting, ranting, ranting

there's no wrong in ranting

but do you smile in their direction?

"i'm not attracted to the female form, it's softness, it's shape"

yet you were with someone with female anatomy. the only one in that person's life who made no effort or even an expressed wish to be there through the process with me. what stops you from supporting those you claim to love?

physical cringing, awkward defense mechanisms at the mere mentions of being queer in any sense of the word. an intense fear of judgment. insisting it is different with me, that you remain with me

not a single mention of my queerness to anyone you knew in life, endless excuses and anxieties as to why i should never come into your workplace and have coworkers encounter me

do you express attraction or interest toward the same sex now, i wonder?

"am i unattractive to you? are you gay?" you asked regularly, because i didn't initiate sexual activity with you

as if i've never mentioned that i'm asexual from the day that we met

you were still beautiful to me, everyday. it was my aim to remind you of it whatever chance i could get. days you were self conscious, feeling down with no way to climb back out. you're beautiful, simply as you, because you were

"am i unattractive to you? are you gay?" because we still don't have sex

i wonder now, do you identify as asexual? i only hope you treat people who are asexual with more recognition and respect then you did then, including yourself

laughing and jeering over the prospect of autism in your family

flinching when anybody suggests it may be you who has some traits typical for the diagnosis, eagerly flinging what you made sound like a disease prognosis on whatever sibling you preferred be the one. fear, ignorance

"there's nothing wrong with having autism" i say, bothered

"you would know" another jeer for all to witness

i knew you were autistic from the day we met, and i loved you

are you debating if you're autistic now? i only hope you treat and see people with autism in a healthier light than you did then, including yourself

for all the times you dismissed my mental health, or all symptoms of mental health you simply didn't feel fit or sounded real enough that day, are you feeling very mentally healthy these days? i only hope you don't dismiss and invalidate others as you did then, including yourself

"return my things and do not destroy them, or we will bring in a lawyer"

impossible accusations driven by pain, all of it pouring out in a desperate attempt to hurt me. years of memories and interaction forgotten, humanity dismissed. did you ever see my humanity to begin with? or was i always an idea, an object of love?

things sent back at my expense. you felt entitled to it. in your own bubble, blinded by the pain, curating your own reality rather than the one we shared, as you attempted to dismantle everything left in my own. i wonder - did you burn all left of my own belongings, trash them?

it was in a mind not mine that fantasies of destruction swam. it had never occurred to me until then, all you left unsaid, unseen

i hope you found kindness, empathy, acceptance, and courage to face all that fear inside of you, that you choose to work inward instead of project outward

that you realize more often people are trying to help, not hurt you

that you realize it isn't the world against you, it's you against you

[tekkai]

I’m just going to leave this here... I’ve decided it’s going to be a productive week and I’m starting with this. ( ・/// ﹏ ///・)

 i just want to set out to sea, play with dinosaurs and kiss one (1) angry leopard man.  

[tevanbegins]

So my mom and I somehow ended up talking about queer stuff today (which we rarely ever do because I know my family is homophobic) and she legit declared that she is completely against lesbians, gays, and queer people in general, and that she can never accept any of it because it is not a part of 'our Indian culture.' I just wanted to bang my head against the wall and cry. Wtf???!!!😠😭

More below the cut if you wish to read:

Although I am a staunch queer ally, I personally don't identify with any LGBTQ+ identity (at least so far, but I'm open to the idea of discovering something new about myself if it ever happens.) I have to credit Schmico for my love and appreciation of this beautiful community. Becoming a Schmico stan truly helped me get rid of whatever silly prejudices I may have had before due to the 'culture' I was raised in, and made me more aware and knowledgeable. Unfortunately, homophobia / transphobia / heteronormativity is quite common in my country, and the stupid misconceptions and lack of awareness about the LGBTQ+ community is appalling, which is why it is extremely rare here to find people who are out and proud.

Ironically, I'm quite close to my mom and can talk to her freely about a lot of other things, but my obsession with Schmico and allyship to the queer community is something I can't share with her — because I know she'd think there was something wrong with me. So it's sorta like I'm in a closet of my own, and it feels terrible. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for queer people who can't share their truth with their families because they know they won't be accepted by them for who they are. (And if it isn't a safe space for someone to come out, they should never feel obligated to do it because their queerness is still valid even if they don't.) Yet I can't help but wish that we all lived in a world that was not such a discriminatory place and everyone was treated equally, and coming out wasn't a thing that anybody ever needed to do or fear because it was totally normalised.

Those Grey's Anatomy viewers who judge Nico for being afraid to come out to his parents clearly have no idea how scary it actually is. But I just want to say to those of you who are struggling and confused and scared that you are loved and accepted no matter what! Today felt like one of those days where I needed to say it here and send loads of love your way. To conclude, I genuinely want to express gratitude for all the amazing friends I have made in the Schmico fandom — with whom I get to gush over my favourite ship without being shamed for it! It means a lot to me and I love you all so much! 😘❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🥰

[grimoireofwritings]

Headcanons: The Magic Knight Captains & Their Art Styles

Just some random idea that came to me today while reminiscing on what the Captains do in their free time. I began to picture how it would play out if each of them were instructed to show us their art skills! Here's what I came up with.

Captain William Vangeance:

This man is not too bad at art! He doesn't put a lot of pressure on himself to make perfect sketches and he has low expectations for himself... So he mainly considers it a hobby set aside for his rare moments of leisure time. Since he's so chill about it, his sketches come out looking nice when he's more relaxed. This is usually the case since he prefers using his bird journal - he likes to bird-watch and put together little drawings of the winged friends he sees while laying all content out in his garden. He's no prodigy but his hand-eye coordination is pretty good and after years of practice his birds and trees turn out pretty impressive. Very embarrassed if asked to show people though.

Credit: Found in a "how to draw" guide.. no name

Captain Nozel Silva:

He prefers appreciating sophisticated art made by others.. and really doesn't care much for making it himself. If he draws anything, it'll usually be rushed - as he knows he's got more important matters to focus on.. Still, he is capable of putting together a sketch every now and again of something simple. Usually plain posable objects. At the end of the day, he's not really a big art freak and even at a nice art museum he gets bored after an hour or so.

Credit: unlisted. Message if you know where it's from!

Captain Fuegoleon Vermillion:

He likes art, a lot! Like William he's no prodigy, but it makes him happy so that's enough for him. He prefers to paint, and his subjects are often women, focusing on anatomy because he enjoys exploring movement / dimension through bodily posing. He likes painting silhouettes that are dancing and often have flowing clothing, or hair. Definitely focuses on the beauty, passion, and artistic self expression side of it. He isn't as open about it because Mereoleonna poked fun at him for it so much and he'd rather not deal with any of that again.. but people who know about it always talk about how he's quite talented.

Credit: Anastassia Orehova

Captain Yami Sukehiro:

He's listed in the manga's assorted questions brigade as the #2 ( Behind Rill) judge of artistic style and taste! He's got an excellent eye for art, and he can be really creative medium wise, but I still feel like he's a bit too lazy to sit down for a long time and really commit to a canvas or sketchbook. He doesn't find it rewarding enough for his attention span.. but he seems to be pretty good at making simplistic, cartoon styles really expressive.

Credit: Olga Shvartsur

Captain Rill Boismortier:

He is ALL about color, vibrancy, and bold presentation! His paintings are always so full of vivid life and brightness, it's clear to see he's a person carrying a wondrous imagination and endless creativity. Everything he's made seems like it's bursting with optimism and excitement, as if the artist couldn't contain himself. He is extremely versatile and can tackle almost any subject, which is super impressive for his age. His one flaw I'd say is that sometimes his paintings, despite being gorgeous technicality wise, can get a little busy or cluttered as he struggles to not get carried away with all the different expressive ideas he comes up with. He's still learning!! ( Bonus headcanon: Rill has a mandatory weekly art class set aside as "training" for the Aqua Deer magic knights.. Everyone attends regardless of their actual interest levels because nobody wants to handle seeing Rill devastated that people didn't show.)

Credit: Svenja Jodicke

Captain Dorothy Unsworth:

Pretty self explanatory? She's a kawaii sailor moon theme anime waifu. All her drawings are magical anime girls... But they only appear in her dreams, so nobody knows she can draw well!!

Credit: source link to deviantart page was a removed account 😭 please lmk if you know the artist

Captain Jack the Ripper:

Nobody wants to talk about Jack's art. He doesn't wanna draw and nobody wants him to draw. Anything he makes is simply a cursed image, no questions asked. He's got the artistic skills of a grade schooler... And even though he can be somewhat creative, the fact that there's always some kind of disturbing / violent undertone incorporated within the picture... It just looks like a demented child's drawing.

Credit: could not find name but it's a canvas displayed in "The Museum of Bad Artwork" labelled as "The Butcher" and tbh that makes it even more terrifying

Captain Charlotte Roselei

She's listed in the top three WORST artists / judges of fine arts in canon... Which is interesting to me, lol. I think she probably stopped trying a long time ago after being teased for how her stuff turns out, lol. She tried drawing or painting and would get frustrated with her inability to create an image she's picturing in her mind.

Credit: could not find name but it's a canvas displayed in "The Museum of Bad Artwork"

Captain Kaiser Granvorka:

I don't know a whole lot about him tbh but I know he is also listed as an excellent artist next to Yami. I think he'd be really into sophisticated art! Kinda like Nozel but far more dedicated and passionate about it. Still-picture images, but he finds a lot of joy in shapes and objects, and messing around with shading.

Credit: unlisted. Message if you know where it's from!

And that is all my friends!! I am still trying to hunt down some art credit for these images, some were on Pinterest or just unlisted altogether. I'm gonna put them down once I come back and edit this post when it's not 3am 😂 plz let me know if y'all can help me out with that. I know there's an online site somewhere that's made for this but I forgot what it's called???

This was a lot of fun to make though. If you disagree or have thoughts, feel free to reblog or come chat in my ask box! Goodnight luvs 🥰

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x07 - Como La Flor

Apologies for being so late this week!! Lots of translating to do, and research. Mucho gracias to @queenrikki for reviewing this one for me!

EPISODE SUMMARY:

OLD WOUNDS — Liz (Jeanine Mason) is forced to revisit a painful part of her past when her mother Helena (guest star Bertila Damas) shows up at the diner unexpectedly. Michael (Michael Vlamis) urges Maria (Heather Hemmens) to seek help after she experiences a strange vision, and Kyle’s (Michael Trevino) attempt to get Steph (guest star Justina Adorno) to open up doesn’t go as planned. Finally, Helena’s arrival in Roswell sends Rosa spiraling. Nathan Dean and Lily Cowles also star. Barbara Brown directed the episode written by Danny Tolli & Carolina Rivera (#207). Original airdate 4/27/2020. 

DETAILS:

Max and Isobel both describing to Rosa how it feels to use (and control) your powers.

Isobel:

"Ground your intention.  Feel the current running through your body, your hands guiding it with purpose."

Max:

"Okay, draw energy from your spine…"

Arturo on Rosa:

"I heard a little mouse crying in her room this morning."

Escamoles - like Liz says in the episode, they're ant larvae. One article I found called them "the Caviar of the Mexican desert". 

Helena calls Liz "mi corazón", which means "my heart".

"Arturito, te ves bien."

Arturo, you look good.

Adding "ito" to someone's name in Spanish can both be positive or negative.  It can refer to smallness or also tenderness (like an affectionate pet name).

@tasyfa pointed out that there was a little timeline error in this scene.  Arturo says that he hasn't seen Helena in 7 years, since Jim Valenti's funeral, but last season it was established in 1x12 that Valenti died in 2014.  Also, remember the show is a year behind reality right now, so it's still 2019. So off by 2 years.

The reason for Helena's visit - transferring her ownership of the Crashdown for Liz so that Liz can sponsor Arturo's residency for citizenship. I did a lot of research trying to understand and clarify why this is.  Thanks to those who weighed in when I was struggling to find a clear answer. Eventually I reached out to Define American, the non-profit org that provides support to the show on racial and immigration related issues.  Here's the response:

The short version is that Liz has to meet minimum income requirements in order to sponsor Arturo, because she has to be able to certify that she can financially support him.  Since she's currently unemployed except for the Crashdown, transferring half of the ownership to her makes her a business partner and helps her to meet the income requirements. 

The Spanish:

"¿Cuánto quieres, Mamá?" 

How much do you want, Mama?

"She has a very thoughtful manicure."

If you don't understand, it's cool. I'm not going to explain here.  Feel free to DM me though! I won't judge, promise!!

Narrative thread about Max's nightmare/memory continues from 2x03 and 2x06.  Don't forget that 2x03 was just Isobel remembering it. Max was a hallucination. So when he brings it up here, it might be something they haven't discussed in a very long time.

The Spanish from Rosa on her red jacket:

"Eres una mujercita."

Basically translates to you're a little woman or young woman.  I assume the "cita" is supposed to be diminutive here.

"Mom is an opportunist.  If she found out she had a kid who came back from the dead she would use you to get to Anderson Cooper. And then she'd use him to promote her latest lounge singer gig."

"Isobel pays double.  Becky tax." 

A Becky, according to common colloquial use, is an annoying white woman, usually entitled and privileged.

Lead bartender quit..meaning there's a job opening at the Pony…hmm. Wonder if any of our characters need a job... 🤔

Maria's vision:

Michael drops the change

Flash to Kyle dropping his keys & bending down to pick them up.

Kyle staring into a bright light.

Maria shouting his name.

"My heart was broken.  Liz ended things and a part of me died."

Max's story to Valenti… not all THAT far off from the truth.

Note: has anyone told him about Valenti investigating him? We know Liz and Isobel were questioned.  Michael was present when Liz was questioned. Kyle knows the whole theory his mom was pursuing. And he just wanders in there like nothing happened?

"Try leading several short staffed investigations with the mayor breathing down your neck."

Another subtle reference to the mayor, including the election banners hung around town in S2 and his "anti-immigrant agenda" which was referenced in S1.

Max has been with the department since he was 18 - this is the first time we learned that.  In 2x05 we learned he was there at 21. So that timeline has now been further clarified. Which also means he was hired during Jim Valenti's time as Sheriff.

"I need eyes on you at all times now."

Definitely implies a lack of trust, or possibly still wanting to keep an eye on him for the purpose of her investigation (not a fact, just a theory).

Steph tells Kyle that she's always hanging around the hospital because she's doing admin work for her dad.

"I'm starting to feel like you're a ghost who only I can see."

"Ask them if they can see me. Or if you were just talking to a ghost." 

Note that ghosts have been a running theme this season with Rosa returning from the dead. This seems to be in line with that. Or are they subtly tying Steph to Rosa (I'm grasping at straws here, probably).

Liz leaves the safe on 3...but before she changes it is on 81. Helena leaves it on 78 after stealing the ring. Good continuity, RNM!

The whole "my mom hates cops" theme is a little confusing to me.  I mean, it makes sense given what we know about Helena. Except that she had an affair with Jim Valenti, who was… a cop. And also an addict.  Maybe it was different because they rehabbed together (just an assumption, not a fact). Or maybe the Jim experience contributed to her dislike of cops.

Liz...might be grasping at straws when she refers to police work as "something you love" to Max.  He didn't exactly seem enamoured by the job when we first met him in Season 1.

First time we learn Max and Isobel's father's name. And it is… Dave. 🤔

The Spanish Helena uses when she meets Max:

"Pero que guapo estas."

But how handsome you are.

"Cuidado Arturito."

Careful, Arturo…

Helena found Liz and Diego's wedding registry online. 

“Look there are medical reasons for non-drug-induced hallucinations - epilepsy, schizophrenia…���

“My mom has a degenerative brain disease. My grandma did too. I've always known I'd be next.”

Helena wanted to be Selena.

Which fits with Liz's lounge singer comment earlier.

And the "drunkenly singing in the car with your daughters in the backseat" fits with the story Liz and Rosa discussed in 2x02 about the car accident they got into as kids with Helena driving drunk.

Helena shows Liz her ten years sober chip, suggesting that she's been sober since Rosa died, but Rosa finds pills in Helena's car later in the episode.  Oxycodone. The same drug that Rosa used to steal from her mom as a kid (which we learned about in 2x04) and the same drug that she and Kyle discussed when he was checking her health in 2x01.

During Helena's toast to Rosa:

Preciosa = precious

Rosa Linda… still not sure personally if this is a continuity error or a pet name.  I’m inclined to go with a pet name. Throughout the whole episode Helena uses lots of pet names, nicknames, diminutives to address people. Rosa Linda may be just another version of this since Rosa's middle name was pretty well established as Helena in Season 1 between her grave, memorial pamphlet, etc.

Kyle calls attention to Steph's bandage on her arm.  She says she gave blood, but it feels like she's evading.

Also she calls him McDreamy, which is a Grey's Anatomy reference. Kyle called himself McSexy (another Grey's nickname) in 1x08 as well.

Note: I've seen some people talk about the speech about his sick friend as being about Maria, but I think he's really talking about Steph.  Or both, vaguely. He's certainly trying to get Steph to open up to him. Here's what he says:

"I just found out a friend of mine is sick. And I can't do anything to help her. And I hate feeling helpless."

Only after Steph puts her walls back up, does he gesture to Mimi's files.

The Spanish:

"Oh, ándale, gùero."

Ándale is like, go! Or let's go! Gùero we discussed earlier...basically white boy.

Por favor - please 

Rosa's art that we first saw in 2x05 now looks finished:

Isobel's graffiti "In Pod We Trust"

Both Isobel and Rosa's graffiti:

Isobel's assessment of Rosa's art

"That's a black hole. An unstoppable force of destruction. And it's getting closer. I see a girl looking into her own doom. She thinks it's inevitable, that she can't stop it, but she can. See, she created it. That means she can destroy it."

Rosa on Isobel's efforts to help her:

"You and Max, you keep talking about harnessing emotion and grounding myself, right? But I can't do that.  It is in my DNA to be screwed up. Literally. My mom's mentally ill. So, so am I. I was broken long before Noah did what he did. That's why he chose me to prey on.  That's probably why he chose you too."

Maria on her grandmother:

"When I was a child my Grandma Patty was the only adult who understood my make-believe world. Thing is, I was six.  So my favorite things about her were just illness, I guess…"

Maria on her mom:

"She was always kind of out there.  By the time I realized it was more than that, I just became obsessed with money. Wanted to be able to take care of her. I invested everything Grandma Patty left me, and I worked, scrounged.  It was about three days after my mom was finally fired from her job at the Pony, I bought the place."

Maria's blood does not contain the alien protein that Kyle found in the Pod Squad and Rosa after being in the Pod for a decade. (and yes, he actually said Pod Squad, which feels like an OG fandom victory)

"Look, there is one thing I noticed in your grandmother's file. Her insurance company is the same one that paid for my dad's cancer treatments...My dad got cancer because of an alien incident at Caulfield Prison. A fake insurance company established by Project Shepherd covered his bills."

"Okay so my grandmother got sick at the same alien prison where your mother died?"

More Spanish (there's lots of it this week).

Helena, when she gestures to the present:

"Abre tu regalo."

Open your gift.

Quinces is just slang for Quinceanera.

Just in case you're not familiar with quinceaneras (Liz's was also referenced in 1x02).

"Mija, me enseñas tus prom photos?"

Daughter, show me your prom photos.

Regarding the power outage.  Liz thought it was Max. Max thought it was Rosa. But the wire is frayed, like it was cut or chewed through. So it wasn't alien power related.  When Arturo finds the wire though, he says, "Must have been a little mouse." Which is how he referred to Rosa earlier in the episode. So the question is, does he actually think it was a mouse? Or does he think Rosa cut the wire? And if Rosa did cut the wire, then why? To distract them while she goes after her mom's car?

In the big Liz/Helena argument, Helena calls Max “a güerito cop”.  Güero means white person, similar to the more commonly used gringo.  But by adding the “ito” onto the end (like discussed before), Helena is basically diminuitizing Max.  She’s using the “smallness” above to basically imply that he’s some white nobody.

“I may not be the PTA mom who made cookies for bake sales or hosted sleepovers, but I sacrificed everything to come to this country to give you a better life.”

This is...not actually true.  Liz and Rosa are both natural born U.S. citizens, born in Roswell.  So she didn’t “come to this country” for that reason. She was already here when Liz and Rosa came into the picture.  And it’s not like she came pregnant with Rosa or anything, since Rosa is Jim Valenti’s daughter.

The ring that Helena took was ARTURO'S mother's ring.  It wasn't even Helena's family's heirloom.   

Liz and Arturo sharing flan for dessert.  At the start of the episode before Helena arrived they discussed making flan for Rosa.

Arturo admits that he always knew the truth about Rosa's heritage. (*fistpump* that's one of my headcanons coming true). 

"Rosa es mi hija, siempre y para toda la vida."

Rosa is my daughter, always and for life.

"Maybe you're right. I am playing the hero. Just like you're playing the politician's perfect arm candy.  See, I did a little digging. And your boyfriend, Dirk-- he ran for city council. It's very impressive. But there's no mention of your daughters. I'm guessing Dirk doesn't even know about Liz or Rosa.  Does he know anything about you, Helena? 'Cause it would be such a shame if he found out about a little town called Roswell."

Helena gives Max the ring, but keeps the box… maybe that's what Helena really wanted?

Huevos = eggs.  Basically, slang for balls.

"I know that face.  You uncovered a massive conspiracy."

"I checked the Caulfield drives. No sign of a Patricia DeLuca, but there was a Patricia Harris. Her maiden name. She signed up to participate in an experimental trial. Government was interested in weaponizing alien abilities. They wanted to create super soldiers. Your grandma was one of the first human subjects."

"Kind of wish I was an alien instead."

"What happened to the experiment?"

"It was a total failure. Caulfield shut it down in the '70s after people started dying. I don't understand how your grandmother got involved."

"I do. Henrietta Lacks, Tuskegee, Holmesburg.  The DeLucas aren't the first black people to be secretly experimented on."

Highly encourage you to read these if you're unfamiliar with any of these references.  It's African-American history (and really a black mark on U.S. history) that's rarely taught in schools.

Henrietta Lacks:

Tuskegee:

Holmesburg:

Reality versus Maria's flashes… great gifset by @rosaortecho on this here:

Kyle rips his jacket, staggers out to the parking lot, drops his keys, and is almost hit by a car, but Michael throws him out of the way with his powers (and Kyle still ends up injured because he lands on a glass bottle).

"Now that we know your illness is related to Caulfield we can find a cure for it."

"Maybe it's not an illness. I saw the future today, Guerin. When I first found out Grandma Patty was experimented on, I was furious.  But what if my genetic inheritance isn't just injustice? It's also actual superpowers. Saved a life today. And not just any life-- Kyle Valenti's. Tomorrow he's gonna turn around and save five more lives."

Liz and Rosa's dueling big sister act is super fascinating.  Rosa admits that she wasn't going to burn the car, and then she saw Liz crying, felt helpless, and that's when her powers went all wacky and caused it to explode.

Meanwhile, Liz has spent the whole episode trying to keep Rosa safe from Helena, and is trying to comfort her here by talking about Helena's sobriety.

But--Rosa stole Helena's pills, so she knows Helena is not sober, and she doesn't tell Liz that.  Why? To protect her.

At some point these two should probably stop keeping secrets to protect each other and start actually sharing what they know.

Kyle stitches himself up.

Steph quoted in this scene:

"I was up in the gallery contemplating American downfall thanks to progressive socialism."

"People tend to bail when things get real. I'm not into that."

Cameron's car was impounded a couple hours away.

Max is turning in his badge and gun and is turning down desk duty to search for Cam.

Isobel and Michael's discussion at the Pony:

"Do you think that Noah chose me because I was already broken?"

"I think you are the only one of us who ever keeps it together."

"I'm serious, Michael. The night that drifter attacked me, why am I the only one who started blacking out? I mean, Max literally murdered a man, but I'm the one who breaks?"

"You were traumatized. We were kids. At that age, trauma gets etched on to your soul."

"But what if it's not in my soul? What if it's in my DNA? Look, my whole life, I've played Stepford wife, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. But...I need to understand myself now. I need to know where I'm from.  And if I don't know who my biological parents are, how am I ever gonna know who I really am?" 

"What are you saying, Iz?"

"I know that we said we shouldn't look into the past, but…"

"It keeps pulling you back. Me too. I spent my whole life thinking I'd build a ship and blast off into the ether. And then the minute I decide to leave that all behind and focus on this good thing in front of me, I'm sucked back in. Maria's family was experimented on at Caulfield. I need to find out more so I can find a cure for her illness."

Rosa takes one of her mom's pills. 😭

MUSIC:

1. Cactus Groove "This World"

2. Shelly Fairchild "Drive"

3. Mathis Hunter "Mrs. Vinegar"

4. Big Stone City "Good For Zero"

5. Big Stone City "Way Down Below"

6. Selena "Bidi Bidi Bom Bom"

7. Elizabeth Moen "Best I Can Do"

8. Wagons "Keep Coming Back"

9. AG "Where Is My Mind" (Pixies Cover)

[queerchoicesblog]

5 Reasons why PB answer is total bullshit:

1. As you said, Karen, it's an hospital drama book, which means you have literally an imaginable amount of ways to "explore mature themes like loss and heartbreak": like remember how devastated we were by Mrs. Martinez''s death or Kyra's cancer coming back? Make MC struggling with accepting she can't save everyone, fix every mess or see a character we grow fond of get sick, die, be forced to make an impossible choice. Give us private/family drama: MC suddenly discovers they have a serious health condition or has to undergo a high risk surgery due to a car crash or whatever? We're never enough for our parents? We have an unsupportive family? Even drama in our romance but writing off a LI shouldn't be your first brilliant definition of "explore loss and heartbreak" in a freaking app game.

2. But okay, let's discuss this writing off a LI. Why not the ever flirtatious Bryce or Ugly Ethan? No, obviously it had to be Rafael, just like Kyra in book 1. Sorry he was less popular than Bryce and the (white) boss you can entangled in a very disembalanced and unprofessional romance with (not to mention how emotionally unstable Dr. Ramsey is compared to Rafael). To me it's still not an excuse.

3. So, ask yourself why you truly did such questionable move. Could it be...poor writing and good old money in spite of like supporting diversity?

4. I appreciate your effort to write more complex books, but judging by the results...you're not writing the new Grey's Anatomy nor will ever reach the level of complexity of other app games like one I won't name but y'all know what I'm talking about. Because the truth is: you don't know how to properly write series, sometimes even one single book, and complex stories without resolving to bullshits like this. You can no longer fool us, sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️

5. Next time you have to defend the undefendable, please either say nothing or find a better excuse. In case you didn't notice, this sucks and it's embarrassing, seriously.

Now, you guys know why I officially decided NOT to play this book and it's only a matter of time before I completely delete the app 🤷🏼‍♀️