#I'm still sad we didn't get to have a whole breakfast setup

[epersonae]

I finally wrote some silly, short, fluffy modern AU Ed/Stede fic, which is also very much drawn from my own experience:

What if you were making fun of someone else's wedding, and happened to say that you could do it better, and then it became a bit, and then..........maybe it's not a bit?

In which even the canon callbacks, most of them, are drawn from life.

[dragonmuse]

Omg, the multiverse dreamscape ficlet was *delightful*—I'm still cackling. I would love to see one with Eddy, too—I feel like that would get heated even faster!

Sure why not, we're already going down this bananas road, let's go ALL the way down.

Eddy would have a bar back room, but same setup, chairs in a circle. low hanging smoke. Mainverse hosting at the center. Farthest away from them is May Be Bad as well, but mostly because they are the only one who is covered in blood. They seem otherwise fine and are puffing away on a cigar provided by Wake Myself in the Shadows.

Mainverse: Good evening, various losers and fucknuts.

All: Fuck you.

Mainverse: Glad that we're starting with our traditional openers. All right, all right, agenda items...who wrote this? Why is it smeared in oil?

Bottle of Red: Sorry, got messy at work.

Mainverse: ...are you in porn?

Bottle of Red: I own a restaurant. Do we have a porn person?

Sadly, no one puts their hand up. Lots of disgruntled mumbling and offers of nomination.

Mainverse: Okay, introductions. You all know who I am, who the fuck are you?

Round of introductions.

Mainverse: Okay, everyone still with Stede?

May Be Bad: *soft sad sound*

Everyone else: *does them the courtesy of not looking their direction*

Mainverse: Okay, cool. Who's still...some of you are still fucking Izzy?

You're Awful: Yeah, what of it?

Bottle of Red: Most of us got over that. Like a while ago.

But Mostly I Hate: What do you mean go over it? Why would you want to get over it?

Mainverse: I can't believe I have to fucking ask this. How many of you are married to Israel 'Fuck You' Hands?

Three hands go up.

Breakfast Club: I mean we're not technically married, but we're part of a strong polycue.

Two others nod along with this.

Somewhere Only We Know: Wait, you guys knew Izzy before? Really? What was that like?

How 'bout Another First Kiss: Less lonely. And more lonely sometimes.

Mainverse:.... I could've been dreaming about getting dicked down, instead of the world's worst therapy session. This sucks. Okay fine. So those of you who are Stede plus others, who are the others? Aside from Izzy. Apparently.

Breakfast Club: Faith. Technically Mary.

Mainverse: Who the fuck is Faith? And what do you mean technically?

Take My Whole Life: What do you mean, who is Faith?

Mainverse: Wait, Izzy's girl? The dead one?

Take My Whole Life: What do you mean dead one?

I May Be Bad: I think I've seen her around.

Everyone goes very quiet, again not looking at them.

Take a Stand: I'm with Lucius, no one else?

Mainverse: ...please tell me your kidding.

You're Awful: She has to be. That's unacceptable.

Take a Stand: You all don't know what you're missing. His mouth-

Mainverse: Not another word out of you. Someone gag her.

Take a Stand: Oh I'd like to-

You're Awful: *tackles her to the ground, the two of them roll around on the floor taking hits at each other*

Mainverse: *steps over them as the roll by* Okay, who has eyes on the kids then? Alma and Charlie are okay?

Wake Myself: Charlie is NOT okay.

Mainverse: Because of the depression and shit?

Wake Myself: Wow. Uh, no because he's married to Izzy.

*the two on the floor stop wrestling, silence ensues*

Mainverse: *low, dangerous* you let WHAT happen?

Wake Myself: I wasn't there when it happened! I think he's older than your Charlie, it's all messed up. I didn't raise the kid.

Mainverse: *checks paper* I still feel like you should take some blame in this.

Wake Myself: And I think you should shut the fuck up. Just cause your shit is straightforward-

Mainverse: Striaghtforward! You don't know my life!

Somewhere Only: Uh, we do. That's the point of all of this.

Have a Little Faith: *up until now has been slowly doing their nails and chilling just behind Mainverse and occasionally elbowing Somewhere Only when they talk about Izzy, exchanging confused looks* There's a point to this? Were we supposed to like take notes or something?

Just Like a One-winged dove: You haven't been paying attention?

Have a Little: Like you have? C'mon, you know the late comer squad just hums along.

Mainverse: Squad?

Have a Little: Sure, there's a bunch of us that met Stede late. Way harder climb.

Breakfast Club: Yeah, it sucked. A lot.

Hello, Younger Lovers and How 'Bout Another very slowly start to inch away.

Mainverse: Yeah, okay, my condolences. What were we even supposed to talk about? *checks agenda again*

Somewhere Only: What if we just get drunk and not worry about it?

Mainverse: *throws away sheet* fuck yes. Great idea. Let's do that.

*two drinks in and things devolve into a brawl. No one wins. everyone wakes up with dry mouth and a headache.*