#I'm still put off of it by not having like borders and like fancy text notifs and transitions and all that

[softwaluigi]

been thinking of trying streaming again

[yoshiyakiryu-archive]

Some fresh nonsense about joshneku losing over at @homoeroticbetrayal

"Fancy seeing you here," Joshua chimes from his perch on the cafe seat as Neku approaches the table. It's not Wildkat, but this side-street shop feels unnaturally empty, and all the more unreal for the presence of the smiling Composer, casually seated by the window.

He could be the most powerful entity in the city, but Neku's urge to roll his eyes and tell him to go fuck himself has the budding inescapability of an oncoming sneeze. Only four words in, Neku's already reminded that no matter how much he misses the asshole when he's gone, he's a pain in the ass to have a straightforward conversation with.

"You invited me," Neku gripes, unable to resist giving the eye roll. He slides onto the seat across from Joshua, feeling another one coming on already.

"Hmm, did I? I suppose I must have. Hee hee." Joshua slides one of the two cups in front of him towards Neku. "The coffee here is decent, you should give it a try."

"…Thanks."

He continues being suspicious for a moment, but ultimately trusts Joshua, and the knowledge that poisoning wasn't really his style. If he wants Neku back in the UG, there's nothing stopping Joshua from rattling another bullet through his poor, pre-punctured brain matter. The old one must still be in there, making him think humoring this conversation was a rational idea that won't just end in a headache.

Joshua smiles, two hands on his own paper coffee cup, fingers striking it in sequence, a steady expectant rhythm. As he watches Neku, the motions change. Taking a sip, the scales shift to an energetic tempo, striking keys he cannot see in time with music he cannot hear. Weirdo.

"What did you want, anyway?" Neku asks, setting the coffee down. There's little point in wasting time on pleasantries when Joshua deemed something catastrophic enough to take the risk of actually talking to him.

"Nothing to say about the coffee?"

"Not really." It's pretty average, as far as coffee goes, and it's not a surprise Joshua knows his order.

Joshua hums, digging his phone out of his pocket and adding to what seems to be, from Neku's view of the phone upside down across the table, a personal review log of local restaurants. "That's hardly a riveting opinion, but I'll include it. We wouldn't want to find Players erased of sheer boredom, would we?"

Whatever UG bullshit Joshua was pursuing, Neku wasn't making it his problem to know. He could guess, but he won't. He won't even think about it. Nope, no dead people business here.

Joshua frowns at him through the silence, bordering on a pout, and sets his phone down. 

Neku tilts his head, gesturing with his free hand.

"Well? Did something happen? Why are we here, Josh? Is reality about to collapse in on itself? Did someone important die? Double die?"

"No, no no no, nothing like that," Joshua says waving off his tone. "Well, people die of course, every day. But that's not my concern." He cuts Neku off before he can reply that yeah, it kind of is, by snatching his phone back off the table and waving it in Neku's face. "I'm here about this."

Oh.

That.

The homoerotic betrayal thing. He'd heard about it after the fact when three of his friends texted him their condolences on losing to Brutus and Caesar. He needed to ask for context, and to be frank, didn't know what to make of the whole thing. He could have gone without knowing that "iconic homoerotic betrayal" was a tournament he'd been nominated in, and privately thinks Joshua has got to find more normal ways of hitting on him. Ways that don't involve firearms.

"Isn't that over?" he asks, with little else to say. If it was over, they shouldn't have to worry about it. Problem solved. Neku out. The arcane and meta machinations of the multiverse can remain not his problem.

"Yes," Joshua says, all business, "but we lost."

"So?"

"So, we lost! After all our fans put in such heartwarming work about us too."

Neku mulls over the word "fans" for a long moment, and decides he doesn't want to consider the implications of that either. He shrugs. "Okay."

"Neku," Joshua says, placing the phone between them and folding his hands loosely over his drink, "I don't think you're taking this very seriously."

"No shit, Sherlock," Neku snaps, indulging that eye roll. "You're not telling me why I should."

"Because we lost," Joshua says, forced patience, as sincere as he ever gets, "and because I have reason to suspect there was UG involvement." He picks up his phone again, opening an app before handing it over. "Take a look. Do any words stand out to you?"

Neku takes the phone, and scrolls slowly, taking his time to make sure there was nothing obvious for Joshua to scold him about missing, and to make him squirm, until he sees a familiar word. "Memes?"

"An astute observation Neku! I knew I'd chosen you for a reason."

He's insufferable. Neku hands the phone back and sinks down in his seat. Unbelievable.

"Memes, yes." Joshua twirls a lock of hair around his index finger, and Neku takes a sip of coffee to disguise how closely he followed the movement.

"You think that we lost because everyone was Imprinted to vote against us?"

"In short, yes again," Joshua says, smiling once more. "Someone put on their thinking cap today."

Asshole. Bastard. Little snot.

Neku takes a deep breath and swallows the growl climbing his throat.

"Explain."

Joshua hums, then shrugs, palms up and put upon. "I believe there was a site-wide Imprinting campaign leading up to the bracket. Disguised as a celebration of the death of Julius Caesar. You of all people know how easily folks can be swayed by a trend." He slumps down onto his elbows, resting his chin in his hands. "Then we lost," he continues, annoyed. "And I don't like losing."

"Obviously. Isn't it kind of far-fetched to Imprint memes on a whole website?"

"You'd be surprised what some of the Higher Plane get up to in their spare time.

"…Right, don't tell me." He doesn't want to hear about angel hobbies. He doesn't want to think about angel hobbies. "I still don't get why you submitted us to that thing in the first place."

"I didn't."

Eye rolls must come in threes. Joshua has the audacity to look affronted.

"Okay. Sure. I'll believe that. Then why is this so important?"

"I can't tell you," Joshua says, gazing meaningfully into the middle distance fingers tangled in a stray lock of hair.

He is so full of shit. There is not one iota of Joshua that isn't composed of compacted, steaming, fresh shit. This is what happens when you cross the guy's competitive streak with a crush. He should confiscate Joshua's phone. Joshua should talk to him more often.

"But! We could get a second chance," Joshua says, affected wistfulness gone. "I know how big a fan you are of second chances. We'll win the revival match." Joshua leans in, devious and conniving across from him, and Neku knows what's coming even before Joshua does a fingergun in his direction. "You will win us the revival match. By any means necessary."

"And how am I going to do that?" Neku crosses his arms.

Another shrug. "Start Imprinting memes on people yourself. Find the culprit rigging things from before. I'm not fussed about the strategy, as long as we win."

Neku closes his eyes. "I don't get a choice here, do I?"

"It's a homoerotic betrayal tournament, Neku. That's against the spirit of it, wouldn't you say?"

"Fair enough." It isn't. Not really. But Neku's learned to pick his battles. He's learned to pick them very well. "But I set the terms."

"Oh?" Joshua's pitch rises in surprise. "Intriguing. Go on."

Neku lifts up a finger. "One. No penalties for losing." Joshua grumbles against his palm. "Two, if we win, you're showing up for group outings. No excuses or leaving early. Spend time with us."

There's unmatched satisfaction in the way Joshua looks like he's swallowed something far too sour. "These aren't very nice terms, Neku."

"Take them or leave them. And no funny business."

"…Fiiiiiiine. I guess you'll just owe me."

Joshua pulls himself from the table and stands, all drawn-out, fluid movements and exaggerated resignation. His coffee sits abandoned on the table, half finished.

"Owe you!?"

"Hee hee. For being so generous, of course. I'll pick you up when the polls open." Joshua touches his sole fingergun to Neku's temple before leaving the cafe and an exasperated, incredulous Neku. "Toodles."

[savagesbonergarage]

Nightsister OC pics and backstory ❤️

So I kinda got my Nightsister oc worked out today!

Meet Eilantha!

No makeup and with makeup since I like both. :) I know her outfit is Rey’s, but it turned out to be the one I liked best after going through all of them. This was so much fun to do! I’m on mobile rn so I don’t have a link, but search ‘rinmaru star wars avatar creator’ and it should be the first result.

The nightbrother is also an oc called Sever. He’s more bulky in my head and his tattoos are different and more brown than black, but whatevs. Also he looks more like a teenager here, which is NOT the vibe, lads. Mans is in his late 20's-early 30's. 👍

I know I’m sorta biased and all since she’s mine, but I’m in love with her? I’m not a huge fan of the Nightsisters and their misandry and general terrible-ness, but this girl is the exception. 💕 Learn more about her under the cut if you’d like. :)

She was born in 46BBY, making her around 27 in the final year of the clone wars. From the time she was a youngling it was clear that she had a natural affinity for magicks and spellcasting, which allowed her to participate in more advanced rituals and rites from an early age. This inevitably caused some contention among the sisters in her age group that felt this privilege was wasted on her, and therefore she had few friends during her time within the coven. She didn’t really mind, as she preferred to spend her days on her own anyway, learning as much as she could about whatever she fancied (usually spells that piqued her interest whose texts she discreetly snuck from within the cavern).

When she wasn’t studying, she loved music - writing, playing, and singing. It wasn’t anything like the typical malicious sounds of tribal chanting and drums you’d hear from within the grotto; not that she didn’t appreciate that also as she practiced it well, but her heart leaned toward a softer, more soothing genre of arias and melodies, bordering on lullabies based on her wanderlust, and, though she’d never admit it, her loneliness.

As she reached adulthood, she underwent the trials for her dark baptism as all Sisters did, which consisted of returning from a challenging hunt to add a token from her kill to the Water Of Life, and receiving her ichor tattoos that signified her coming-of-age before being ritualistically bathed in the ominous liquid which sanctioned her as an active member of the Nightsisters.

After this, I have two different routes (or however many, depending on who I’m shipping her with at the moment 😅 bc I ship her with everyone, no lie) that I like to take with her story. The first is expanded upon in the fic by @fallenrepublick here (still my favorite thing!) where she starts sneaking away into the nightbrother village and befriends Savage and Feral before they go through Asajj’s selection trails. This is the nicer, less-traumatic arc.

This next one gets really, really dark. I'm not going to post it all here bc honestly this post doesn't need all that angst, so I'll save that for later. Essentially, I like to think that Eilantha did at one time have a nightbrother of her own (Sever) that she actually loved, rather than treated as a slave. As you can imagine it doesn't end well, but we're not gonna get into that. We'll talk about how they meet. :)

Instead of sneaking away to the village, Eilantha is pressured into conducting her own selection trails by Mother Talzin. She doesn’t inherently have any reason to object, after all, she was taught that this is was simply the way of things. Part of her even looked forward to obtaining a manservant, whose loyalty would belong to her and her alone.

Perhaps he’d be a useful asset when it came to sneaking spelltomes to and from the vaults, and maybe he’d even be the only one staying by her side while she practiced her songs. What if he’d even appreciate them? Not that he’d have much of a choice, but the thought was comforting nonetheless.

From the moment she stepped foot in the village, all she could focus on was the feeling of the uneasy and fearful gazes of the men who undoubtedly knew more of what was to come than she did. She chose her roster at random, unsure of what she should have really been looking for or what she actually wanted from a servant. Even before the fighting, she knew deep down that she didn’t want to inflict any unnecessary harm on them…but why? From what she’d overheard at home, the violence was half the fun.

It wasn’t.

She evaded and blocked every blow with ease, yet avoided retaliating and taking the offensive in any manner that would prove fatal, causing the battle to go on far longer than anticipated to the point where Brother Viscus insisted that she take the next opening for the kill. With reluctance, the blade of her weapon collided with the ribs of the next brother to reveal himself a target. She watched in horror as the light faded from his hateful, reflective eyes, and she was nearly sick. She didn’t want to do it, but it had been done, and it couldn’t be undone. His body thudded against the ground and she screamed.

“Enough!”

The battlefield went silent, and as she came to her senses she attempted to save face.

“I’ll have none of them!”

Before Brother Viscus could interject with any alternative propositions, she was gone. She ran, fleeing as far away across the rocky terrain as she could. She didn’t cry; at least not until she was certain she was alone. She felt so pathetic - Nightbrothers were meant to be disposable, yet she couldn’t handle killing one. Her shame shifted into heartbreak, and she crouched low and wept for the death of the brother she’d just caused, as well as for all those who came before him. All the needless, thankless, mindless deaths of these men whose lives may not have mattered to the Sisters, but they mattered to someone.

As night fell, she trudged along the jagged landscape and thought of what explaination she’d give to Mother Talzin upon returning home. She had run in the opposite direction of where her speeder was stationed at the base of the village, so she had plenty of time to consider on the long journey back. She casually hummed a tune to herself in some meager attempt to self-soothe, which served to distract the shadow that had been trailing her for some time. The sound of a twig snapping in the rocks behind her alerted her to the presence and she confronted him.

"Are you lost?" she asked in a derogatory tone after he revealed himself.

"I'm not."

Of course not, this was his home, after all. She couldn't say the same for herself, however, she pressed him further.

"Then why are you following me? I never asked for an escort."

The amber-skinned nightbrother looked as though he were choosing his words carefully, though if his aim was self-preservation he'd done a terrible job of it.

"I saw you crying."

Eilantha was hit with a pang of embarrassment, though she feigned otherwise as her eyes met the ground.

"Well, you can forget what you saw. Now leave me alone."

She turned away, but the brother remained there in quiet contemplation before he spoke again.

"I've never seen a Sister cry. I've never seen a Sister feel."

Something about those words struck her directly in her heart. The confirmation that she was inherently considered to be a heartless monster in the view of these villagers hurt a little more than anticipated, though she had no right to refute it. No amount of apologies would ever remedy the divide that separated the Nightsisters from the Nightbrothers, regardless of how she felt. She clenched her fist as she turned to face him again.

“I said, leave me alone. Don’t make me-”

She actually choked on her words, unable to say the rest.

Don’t make me put you in your place.

Despite her partial warning, the nightbrother stepped closer. He grabbed the edge of his already tattered tunic and tore a piece of it off, inspecting it for cleanliness before holding it out to her. Eilantha froze, uncertain of what to make of this interaction.

“You aren’t done,” he explained.

She hadn’t realized that her hot tears continued pouring down her cheeks during her retort. She accepted the cloth with some reluctance, her dainty fingers lightly brushing against his as she took it and dabbed it against her wet face. He promptly turned and started walking away, as instructed. This strange...kindness, or rather, strange act of servitude via obligation perturbed the young witch, whose thoughts were now fixated solely on the zabrak male.

“Wait, Brother,” she implored.

He paused, resuming his attention to her after hearing the endearing use of “brother” from a Sister’s lips for the first time. She continued, an unusual softness in her tone.

“What is your name?”

“It’s Sever,” he revealed, “May I ask yours, Sister?”

She repeated his name in her mind, determined never to lose it.

“Eilantha.”

He did the same, only out loud. Gods, it was an enticing sound.

"Will you be returning?"

This was a question she wasn't prepared to receive, and one that she herself didn't fully know the answer to. Her reply was engineered from a concerned sigh.

"I'm not sure. It might be problematic returning to the coven empty-handed. I may come back, I may not. I don't know what the future holds."

Sever pursed his lips slightly.

"If you do find yourself here again, will you..."

He coughed into his fist and centered himself before continuing.

"Will you consider me?"

Her eyes shot up to meet his hopeful gaze, a golden yellow in the night. She had a hunch as to what he was alluding to, but a little clarification was needed.

"Consider you...?"

He swallowed, his countenance displaying concern that perhaps he was stepping too far out-of-bounds this time, but he wanted to know all the same.

"As your mate."

Eilantha clutched the piece of fabric in her hand. This man was offering himself to her. The images of all the nightbrothers staring her down when she first arrived with fear in their faces raced through her mind, revealing the dread the men felt when they were met with her kind, and yet this one was volunteering. She wasn't sure if she should be flattered or angry, as any other Sister likely would be at a savage that dared to seek special permissions. Of course, she wasn't like that.

Imagining him as her mate, however, was certainly...something. She thought of how she would discover just how much of him was tattooed and he would learn the same of her. She could claim him right then and there if she wanted, and he would be obliged to obey. It would solve her worries about returning home if she decided on a servant after all, although, her soul was unsteady. Though she was entitled to any male she desired, she couldn't allow herself to do it. Even though this man was offering, it would weigh on her conscience knowing that even a part of him would only be with her out of fear and obligation, rather than his own free will. This nightbrother wasn't free. None of them were.

"I'll consider it," she replied genuinely.

This news seemed to please him to some extent, a tiny smirk curling at the corner of his lip.

"I'll look forward to the possibility of serving you, Sister Eilantha."

She watched as he turned a final time and disappeared further into the darkness, leaving her alone with her busied mind.

The course was set for the Nightsister temple once she finally got to her speeder, servant-less. She looked over her shoulder to see multiple pairs of glowing golden eyes quizzically prying at her in the darkness, and she smiled before taking off.

It was a long journey home, and the entire trip her mind was occupied with thoughts of the intriguing zabrak male who saw her for what she truly was. She pulled out the tattered cloth from her pocket and pressed it against her chest as the wind rushed all around her before bringing it to her lips and kissing it.

It became her greatest treasure.

That is, until she finally had the real deal in her arms months later when the separation became too much to bear, and they arranged to meet in secret during their first rendezvous of many.

Sever, my treasure.

[datingadviceonreddit]

I happen to be a 31-year-old man who's never had any romantic relationship in my entire life I recently turned 31 this September. At times I feel hopeless that I will ever have a relationship with a woman, and fantasize about how it would be. And getting older doesn't help as I fear that I would be more ostracized the older I get without any history of a relationship.Here's some back story about my personal self: I'm from Massachusetts and lived here all my life near the Rhode Island border. I guess I'm labeled a nerd because that what I've been called since I grew up with video games and nerd culture. I do go to conventions like PAX East and Comic-Con here. I went alone for the first time ever in recent years and cosplayed fully as a video game character Snake from Metal Gear. And it was a different experience. So I'm not afraid of trying things as I have aged as I would have never gone alone up to Boston to an event like that prior with anxieties I have faced. I don't talk with people openly about this and keep it to myself so I have to get it out. So this may be a lot to read and I understand that.I'm also a smaller person in stature with being skinny growing up so I was teased by family about that. So I did join the gym in 2018 at my school but was never so serious about it. And didn't have much help to learn things and need that reassurance I'm doing it right. And recently I signed up for an actual gym and will be using a trainer.Back in my childhood, I was always the "quiet" one. Not by choice. I was always assigned that title so I kept quiet. I still get called that and not sure why as this is the way I am. I'm not sure if it could have been to the way I was raised as I didn't go out really and my parents weren't so good and abusive. My dad was physically abusive to my mom and brother, as his dad was brutal to him in Portugal. So I was always nervous and still am to an extent. My mom has an addiction issue with gambling and really messed up my path as she would steal the money I worked for to fund her habits for many years. So I am set back compared to others my age but finally reaching my success with my career only starting last year in the IT field. But either way, my parents made me insecure about my feelings and I always kept to myself with fears of being judged and they were in control of my life up until my 20s. I don't talk with them really at this point as it's hard to put past what they have caused me to be stuck.I didn't get help for any of this until 2016 as I did a post on Reddit for help and therapy was recommended. I've come so far with going back to school, driving on highways, and so many smaller things that affected me not being able to do. I've even brought in my own mother to therapy but she still never fully apologized and even denied any wrongdoing she did. But I'm fine that I just want my personal life to flourish. I've been with female therapists since then for a total of two different ones. I had to leave my first for insurance issues after going for a year. The other I decided to switch as I was going to her since 2017 up until early this year and felt no progress was made with my issue with never having a relationship. And it is more of a male issue that I am a man looking for a woman. So a different experience and mostly better to have a male therapist's point of view for this.I know very few people personally as I only hang out with close cousins. Most of the others I only talk online with but never had friends I went out with regularly since they don't seem to do anything. So I never went out much and I don't drink alcohol or smoke weed. So it's tough knowing where to find anyone in these current times but it won't even matter if there was no virus. I'd still be stuck here in this spot even without the virus.Onto my dating life, I've only dated one woman very shortly, about a month just last year. She was the first and only person I dated and it happened in September right when I turned 30. We met off Hinge, the dating app. She happened to message me first with a Hi and my name! She was really into me with the conversation and I was super surprised as I don't have that experience with my time with dating apps. She wasn't exactly a nerdy type also. Anyway, we agreed to meet for a coffee date after about 2 weeks of talking in Providence. I was very nervous as this was going to be my first date ever at 30. I dressed as fancy as I could and she did compliment that. I was pacing for some time as I was so nervous as I awaited her to arrive. And she finally arrived and gave each other a quick hug which made the nervousness tone down. Things went great and we talked for hours despite this being foreign to me. She was awkward at times so I didn't think much of it. Then we said our goodbyes and hugged each other. I was so happy I finally had my first date ever, it was unreal and I remember it so much. I did text her right when I got home as a follow-up and she agreed and liked that it was good. I was even more surprised as I thought I was bad since I had no reference for dating till then.We agreed to meet again after seeing the pumpkin carvings at the local zoo during October and an impromptu dinner as she texted me if I wanted to get food right about leaving. That’s how inexperienced I am not asking for dinner after that date. It was all amazing to me that these kinds of things were happening, going out with someone, and having dinner. It was something that was so unreal to me. I offered to pay also and she was greatly appreciative of the night as she wanted to cover herself.So this is where things started to change and finding out more about her. We were planning to meet once again during the week after work. We were texting about it in the AM and she stopped replying. But when it was the end of my workday she finally got back to me saying she passed out at an appointment and got a concussion. So I didn't assume I was going to meet up that night at all so I went home. We texted more later and she became erratic because I didn't come to see her like at almost midnight during a workweek. She became more and more upset. She was giving me an ultimatum to either visit her or whatever was happening between us would end. She became more and more upset. Then she was calling me as we never talked over the phone and she was absolutely terrible to me, swearing at me, telling me I was stupid, and so on, and she told me where to go for nothing I did wrong.She wasn't the same person I met on the dates we had. It made me so upset I was taking this all in from her call and I never said anything bad to her. She was absolutely a wreck and I tried telling her I'm not sure why she was acting that way. So she hung up after screaming at me. Then again she was texting me to come to her address which she gave thought text or it was over. So at this point, it would have been foolish since it's already midnight and she lashed out at me and still wants me to come to visit her after her concussion. So she called one again and it made me so sad that the only woman so far to give me a chance was treating me like shit. I then told her what would my therapist think of you as I mentioned her to my therapist since dating is something that is focused on during sessions. I opened up about me never having a partner and she was my first date ever and I don't know why she's acting this way and it hurt me.I guess I calmed her down enough and she wasn't so bad to me. She opened up about herself and she said the concussion caused her to act that way. My therapist later didn't agree and said she saw many red flags with her. Well, we talked into the AM over the phone that night as she told me that she suffers from a rare illness called EDS, and from that illness she has 30 other diseases. I couldn't believe it since you can't see it by looking at her. She told me she is always sick going to appointments and needs major surgery often and she soon was going soon a few weeks later to major neck fusion. I felt for her but still, I didn't think how she treated me was right over the phone that night. So the following day I stopped replying to her.The following day she was texting me and was worried about me and was thinking I ghosted her but that's something I don't do. I had a therapy session that day I talked to my therapist about it. She did say again that there were many red flags and it was sad that she’s a very ill person and it was my personal choice if I continued talking with her after that. She actually called me during my session and left an apology voicemail for her behavior. And said she regrets acting that way and adored me so far and wanted to continue dating. And text replies mentioning that. So I did reply talking about how my therapist said to set boundaries as that behavior was no healthy and unwanted. She was still kind of upset I brought her up during therapy and texted me her medical papers that yes she wasn't lying about her illness.Later that week we did agree to meet for dinner and a movie at the mall in Providence. I came early and there was a miscommunication and she was waiting elsewhere in the mall for me and once again her attitude started changing in the texts. I found her and she wasn't seeming to me that she wasn't happy at all based on her face. And she did have that concussion earlier in the week. We sat down for dinner and I wasn't sure how to approach her being as I was afraid she was going to lash out in public and I'm nervous when someone starts shouting at me and it shuts me down. So I barely was saying anything to her at all. Since I didn't know what she was going to do if I said the wrong thing. So after a while, she became upset and was saying this is awkward us not talking and saying I have communication issues. And I don't listen to her and her ex was the same was and they went to couple’s therapy and called me an INFJ over and over. And she got up off her chair and was thinking to just go home after that and I said you are welcome to. I wasn't putting any argument as I'm not the type of person to fight. So she didn't eat her food at all and ended up throwing it out as the mall was closing and the movie was almost starting. So she offered to just watch the movie and we'll talk about what happened another time. So we did watch a terrible movie name JEXI which I had no interest in. She offered to pay for the movie and popcorn as I did for her in the past. I still wasn't talking much with her during the movie as I was afraid if she will lash out. But watching a movie with her was another huge accomplishment as I never did that with a woman as a date.So this is where more things got interesting. So after the movie, we were leaving and down the escalator, there was an old man that happened to fall down it and his leg was bleeding all over the floor. People were just gathering, and one called 911 for help. She then ran down the escalator to the scene to assist with him. She took her sweater off her back to make a tourniquet for him. She happened to have first aid classes. She didn't want to leave until he was gone by paramedics. She seemed super panicky and I didn't know what to do at that point. I offered her my coat as she only had a tank under her sweater and she declined. We finally walked away when the man was rolled away and there was a large pool of blood near him. So on the way she was super lost and saying she was about to have a panic attack so I gave her a hug to calm her down and she said: "thank you". I walked her to her car in the big parking garage and there was a car driving behind me and she pulled me in as she was afraid I was going to get hit. I was saying it was amazing to see what she did with the man as a hero like that and she told me that sweater had sentimental value and it went to better use to help him.So on the way to her car, I asked from the help of online prior to what I should do at this point of dates, I said "may I kiss you?" She took off her glasses and she leaned her back against her car as she has balance issues with her spine surgeries. And we pulled each other in and we then made out. It was so super unreal. I felt like I was dreaming. I couldn't believe it was finally happening. I was so into it and super passionate about it. We would kiss and she would bite my lower lip and pull away and look into each other's eyes and do it again. It was something out of a movie. I was caressing her body, her hair, and from her illness, I believe it was her vertebrae was dislocating as her neck in the upwards position. She was in a bit of pain and I was apologizing if I was causing it as I was so into our kiss, my first kiss. She didn't mind and were giving each other neck kisses after and I was saying things into her ear that got her really turned on. She then started digging her nails into my back and pushing her lower body into mines. This all happened while cars were passing but I didn't care we were making out in public at this point in my life. After the kiss we held each other saying nothing, it was so peaceful, she then opened up how she has an aneurism in her heart and it can burst anytime and that's how her mother passed. I felt so bad for her and kept on consoling her with caressing her. I then went home a new man after the kiss as I didn't think it finally actually happened at 30. We texted after and talked about the night and how I enjoyed the kiss and she did for someone with no experience like myself in that. Even the next day I couldn't believe it happened.Over time we texted and at times she was flipping a switch with her personality. I wasn't sure what to do as she a very ill person and at times didn’t want to talk and still wanted to and said I have communication issues. She was going into surgery the final week I met her for ice cream. She was very scared of going into a life-threatening surgery and I could see it that night. She wasn't mean to me in person that night and we talked for a few hours into the night in the parking lot. I didn't know much what to say to her since she wanted to say goodbye the next day before she left for NY for surgery. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye as we didn't meet the following day. I didn't get to kiss her again that night either as she said she doesn't like PDA when there are people around as there was to people in their car right near us. So we hugged goodbye.The reason I didn't meet to say a final goodbye before surgery was that she was busy preparing to go and I didn't text her till later in that day and again she was super upset and saying she wasn't going to talk with me and yet she still did. I wished her the best of luck and sent good thoughts as she left. In between then and her coming back I never seen her since last October. Her surgery didn't succeed sadly and she's pretty much disabled now and needs to revise it if possible. I still text with her till this day more of a pen pal. I never asked her if it ended but I was ready to move on as I shouldn't have to have one choice of a person to date and the way things played out. I needed more experiences dating and that's where I am now. But I am grateful she gave me my first dates ever and my first and only kiss, it was more than a peck being a makeout.All I know are dating apps and I even got photos done for them by a photographer who dating photography. It's the same pics I used when that only woman I dated messaged me. But since then I have not had any success or interest from anyone else. I barely get matches if I am lucky. And I'm on all apps and have subscriptions to Match, Tinder and OkCupid. I try to reach out on the apps that allow to message first and even then I barely get a match after so many sent out. I waste more time and get little to no results. Only one woman back in February agreed to meet for coffee and she wasn't interested after the date. It was a short date too and I'm assuming she wasn't as interested in person versus how she seemed on the app of Facebook dating. So since then, it's been pretty frustrating with the no results.I've gotten putting so much time and money into it. Only to get nothing much of it. I have a snapshot of my photos I use and bio now off Tinder and I just use the same for all the other apps. Some on here have trashed me for getting a photographer and saying the photos aren't genuine. But I put my trust in the photographer as he is the professional. Others have criticized my appearance and nerdy type. So I'm not sure what else to do as it's mixed responses on my profile as some also say all is good yet I don't have results.So know I don't know what to do next as with the virus we can't exactly meet people and that was something I wanted to work on this year to go to events to meet people that way. I've done geek speed dating way back in 2018 only to get a blank piece of paper. I tried going to a cosplay meet up at a bar and arcade here and nothing much occurred from them last year. Anything like that isn't happening anytime soon so I only have dating apps or maybe there are ways I still can get something rolling in person? So I am asking for advice or any help to get something that I truly desire a relationship. It hurts at times as so many people have had many at my age and I'm only looking for one to get those experiences in life. My brother and a cousin as examples are just generally terrible and have been abusive to their partners and are wreckless in general and have had many partners. And I don't know how to even be that way and I feel hopeless that I will never experience love as I age older. I was always the outsider growing up and still am. Do I get photos redone by another photographer? Do I try to hire a relationship or dating coach to help? I don't want to give up but it's very depressing that I can't seem to figure out what's wrong and why I can't achieve this. I greatly appreciate any help and thank you very much if you read all this. Thank you.tl;dr: I'm a 31-year-old man who's never had any relationship in my entire life and I recently turned 31 this September. I only dated one woman shortly off a dating app last year and had my first and only kiss. I am grateful for that experience but really want a relationship with me getting older. And it hurts at times knowing this and unless you were in my position you would know how it feels. I don't know what to do now I am still stuck and can't seem to get any interest off dating apps despite taking photos by a dating photographer. Message me if you want a snapshot of my profile. via /r/dating_advice