#I'm still kind of struggling and i havent talked with anyone about my situation for years | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

10071991 · 5 years ago

Conversation

Lynn:

23:17

The counselor has joined the conversation.

Lynn:

23:17

Hi, welcome to Lifeline

Lynn:

23:19

Are you there?

Anonymous9806:

23:22

oh sorry

Lynn:

23:23

Hi there

Anonymous9806:

23:23

Lynn:

23:23

Sorry about the wait

Anonymous9806:

23:23

im sorry the thing doesnt make a noise so i was trying to get some stuff sorted out and i didnt realize anyone was ready

Anonymous9806:

23:23

it ok

Lynn:

23:24

So what brings you here tonight?

Anonymous9806:

23:25

i dont feel well

Lynn:

23:26

How so?

Anonymous9806:

23:27

im very sad

Lynn:

23:27

Over what?

Anonymous9806:

23:27

everyone around me hates me

Lynn:

23:28

Can you tell me more about what's making you feel that way?

Anonymous9806:

23:28

but i cant be who they want me to be to make it stop

Lynn:

23:28

Who do you think they want you to be?

Anonymous9806:

23:29

my family yells at me and doesnt listen to me when i try to explain

Anonymous9806:

23:29

not me at least, but they dont listen to me when i try to explain why im me

Anonymous9806:

23:30

they tell me to kill myself and that im not a person

Anonymous9806:

23:30

theyll scream in public and disturb the neighbors

Lynn:

23:30

Your family says that??

Anonymous9806:

23:30

yes

Lynn:

23:30

Wow. It doesn't sound like you're the problem there.

Anonymous9806:

23:31

and im a dumb cunt, the stupidest, how could i be one of them, im a drain on society, i deserve to have my things destroyed

Anonymous9806:

23:32

but i have to be because why would everyone else treat me this way? i dont know anybody who doesnt act like ive done something awful to them but i dont understand why im so awful for needing help and i dont know how to help myself understand

Lynn:

23:33

That's awful and no one deserves to be treated that way

Anonymous9806:

23:33

dad says my cats should be killed too and the kitten i was fostering from the humane societys head should be ripped off

Anonymous9806:

23:33

he says i do

Lynn:

23:34

Do you live with them?

Anonymous9806:

23:34

he says hes tired, i quote, of me "treating him like a n*****"

Lynn:

23:34

Wow...

Anonymous9806:

23:34

i live with dad and ive lived with my uncle before

Anonymous9806:

23:35

so when he destroys my stuff dad says "the n* is pissed" as his justification

Anonymous9806:

23:35

we are white

Anonymous9806:

23:36

and if i try to calmly say "lets talk about your concerns" or something like they taught me in therapy, he just goes even more ballistic, and screams at me to shut up, and says its my fault hes mad and gets more mad

Lynn:

23:36

That sounds terrifying

Lynn:

23:36

How long has he been like this towards you?

Anonymous9806:

23:36

then hell say stuff like theres something wrong with me, i cant follow instructions, i cant do this or that, im stupid and stuff..... but then says theres nothing wrong with me so i should be capable of stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:37

yeah its scary his gf says she thinks its scary too so when he starts shell leave after a while

Anonymous9806:

23:37

uhhhh a few months? mom died in march so 4 months?

Lynn:

23:37

This started right after your mom died?

Anonymous9806:

23:37

it happens 1-3 times a week

Anonymous9806:

23:38

yeah when i moved in with him

Anonymous9806:

23:38

he says terrible things about her too

Lynn:

23:38

Do you think it could be grief that he's mishandling?

Anonymous9806:

23:38

Lynn:

23:38

Anonymous9806:

23:38

he treated her like this too

Lynn:

23:38

Is there anywhere else you an go?

Anonymous9806:

23:38

when she was alive

Anonymous9806:

23:38

Lynn:

23:39

*Can* sorry

Anonymous9806:

23:39

no one believes me but im disabled

Anonymous9806:

23:39

so they blame me bc i deserve it all bc i havent been working since mom died

Anonymous9806:

23:40

im supposed to go to school i think in a couple weeks if they help me figure out a dumb hangup thats happened with it

Anonymous9806:

23:40

im hoping i can do it bc i dropped out of high school bc it was hard

Lynn:

23:41

I get that, but it could help you get a job in the longrun that will allow you to get away from him.

Lynn:

23:42

In what way are you disabled?

Anonymous9806:

23:42

im autistic and mentally ill, i have really bad legs too

Anonymous9806:

23:43

ive been institutionalized numerous times and ppl threaten me with it

Anonymous9806:

23:43

i hate it a lot so i hope i dont say anything so you dont have to put me somewhere

Anonymous9806:

23:44

this is my first time using a support chat and thats scared me from using it before

Lynn:

23:44

I don't have the authority to put you anywhere, so no worries about that.

Anonymous9806:

23:45

oh im sorry i should have clarified im "high functioning" aspergers so my strength is linguistic

Anonymous9806:

23:45

im relieved

Anonymous9806:

23:46

if i flap or rock or pace i get in trouble

Anonymous9806:

23:46

so i try to stim swinging at the park so nobody realizes im doing it as much

Anonymous9806:

23:46

its not as obvious i mean

Lynn:

23:47

Right

Anonymous9806:

23:47

so it gets hard if im in public otherwise bc i want to but i dont want to bc i dont want people to treat me weird like family does

Lynn:

23:48

I can understand that.

Lynn:

23:48

Do you feel like you're in physical danger there?

Anonymous9806:

23:49

i dont know

Anonymous9806:

23:49

i worry about my computer and my cats but i dont care if im threatened

Anonymous9806:

23:51

i guess maybe he threatened me the other night? he put his fist close in my face and was like "now im threatening you" after i told him he was getting violent

Anonymous9806:

23:51

throwing things and destroying property is violent to me but maybe im wrong

Lynn:

23:51

That sounds violent to me.

Lynn:

23:52

Have you considered calling the police when he gets like that? I'm afraid of you getting hurt.

Anonymous9806:

23:52

yeah like way across the room and stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:52

ive told HIM to call the police when hes screaming at me to get out of his house and stuff

Anonymous9806:

23:53

otherwise if they try and have me press charges or something i have nowhere else to go or anything

Lynn:

23:54

Ok, I just want to make sure you're physically safe

Lynn:

23:54

I am so sorry about how he treats you, though, that's horrible.

Anonymous9806:

23:55

its my fault but i dont know how to change and be more quiet

Lynn:

23:55

It's not your fault. He needs to be more understanding of your condition.

Anonymous9806:

23:56

nobody is

Lynn:

23:56

That's such a horrible position to be in.

Anonymous9806:

23:56

i tried to bring a chair upstairs the other day, and it was so heavy? but i didnt have help and if i didnt do it hed punish me. i got so exhausted i passed out at the top of the stairs

Anonymous9806:

23:57

so tonight i was being mimicked with like..... you know that whimpering "hng hng hng" people do to make fun of people? that about it

Anonymous9806:

23:57

ive also fallen down the stairs because he ripped the bar off at the landing

Anonymous9806:

23:58

and i was screamed at for being lazy and not doing my volunteer work at the humane society bc i sprained my ankle and knee

Anonymous9806:

23:58

its been uhhhh a week and it still hurts a lot

Anonymous9806:

23:58

but im told i have to go through pain and im weak

Lynn:

23:58

Yeah, that sounds really painful

Anonymous9806:

23:59

i have to do things that cause me physical agony

Anonymous9806:

23:59

im sorry if that sounds extreme im not just uhh. i cant remember the word for making something sound worse? im not just trying to make it sound worse it hurts so bad i just want my legs amputated a lot

Anonymous9806:

23:59

if they were gone they wouldnt hurt

Lynn:

00:00

You might try calling 211 to see if they have any resources to help someone with special needs find employment, find housing etc. to try to help you be more independent and get out of there.

Anonymous9806:

00:00

but then im scolded and called a dumbass and im trying to "become a drug addict" trying to find a solution to my pain

Lynn:

00:00

You should not have to put up with being treated that way.

Anonymous9806:

00:01

ive tried to work with vocational rehab before but they kind of get to a point where they get to buck up too

Anonymous9806:

00:02

it was through them i became a debt collector because we thought it wouldnt hurt my legs and idk, they figured i could handle talking to people constantly but

Anonymous9806:

00:02

i coudlnt

Anonymous9806:

00:02

people would call me fat and an asshole and im ruining their life and stuff in that job, and people would do it in tech support jobs ive tried before

Anonymous9806:

00:03

but debt collecting was the worst and im sorry i feel weird saying this but in that job it.... kinda turned into something similar to what you do here? i talked a guy out of suicide on the phone and it was really triggering

Anonymous9806:

00:03

i dont want to be around people and thats why i volunteer at the humane society because the animals dont yell at me

Anonymous9806:

00:04

or trigger me really

Anonymous9806:

00:05

and then it also gets hard bc ive been struggling a lot more with stuff. applying for college and trying to get financial aid and sign up for classes and stuff has been a nightmare because i haavent figured out howto navigate their websites and stuff, my friend.... um. shes also named lyn. but shes helped me every step of the way. every step has felt like a hurdle

Lynn:

00:07

If you want help I can let social services know what's going on, but I would need your information so I can tell them who you are and where to go.

Anonymous9806:

00:08

what kind of social services? like someone that would help me figure out how to sign up for college classes and stuff or help me make doctor appointments and stuff like that?

Anonymous9806:

00:08

that would help me

Anonymous9806:

00:09

i feel bad for lyn helping me figure stuff out all the time but i need help understanding it

Lynn:

00:09

211 might be able to help with that, but no, I mean DHR to help make your dad stop hurting you like this.

Anonymous9806:

00:09

when i get frustrated i cry and have meltdowns and stuff and then that doesnt make situations better

Anonymous9806:

00:10

oohhh ok. i dont know what dhr means?

Anonymous9806:

00:10

but if im living at his place hes allowed to treat me how he wants to or ill be homeless

Lynn:

00:10

What he's doing is verbal and mental abuse and DHR would get the state involved to investigate and monitor the situation. No, he is not allowed to do that.

Anonymous9806:

00:11

i dont care much about me, been there done that, but my cats i love and i dont want them to not be cared for

Anonymous9806:

00:11

even if i dont pay rent...?

Anonymous9806:

00:11

if i.... have recordings.... does that help...?

Lynn:

00:11

It could, yes.

Anonymous9806:

00:12

he got mad and threw my phone at me the other night because "im so stupid bc im always on it" but uh. its hyper vigilance i guess that if he starts screaming i start recording

Lynn:

00:13

Your autism is documented right?

Anonymous9806:

00:13

um... would they be able to talk to me.... and not involve him yet...? its a situation where i dont know if it would do more harm than good? but maybe they could help me like. i dont know....

Anonymous9806:

00:13

yeah it should be on file at uhhh

Lynn:

00:13

I don't need to know where

Lynn:

00:13

It's ok, just so long as it's somewhere.

Anonymous9806:

00:13

when you say documented you mean my doctors and therapists ive had are aware of it?

Lynn:

00:14

Yes

Lynn:

00:14

Do you still have a therapist?

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i moved from a different state but they could probably send papers and stuff? i had dbt therapy there

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i miss it

Anonymous9806:

00:14

no, i havent been able to find one that accepts my insurance but also accepts new patients

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i tried to find grief counseling too for my mom

Anonymous9806:

00:14

i miss my mom

Anonymous9806:

00:15

she understood me

Lynn:

00:15

I'm so sorry you lost her.

Anonymous9806:

00:15

thank you for your condolences

Lynn:

00:16

Of course

Anonymous9806:

00:16

i cry because i miss her every day but i dont know how to stop missing her

Anonymous9806:

00:17

dd sys he gave me three weeks before cutting into me so i could grieve but i dont think even after three years ill be done with it

Anonymous9806:

00:17

or 30 or 300

Lynn:

00:17

Before cutting into you?

Anonymous9806:

00:17

yelling at me and stuff

Anonymous9806:

00:18

im sorry i didnt mean literally

Anonymous9806:

00:18

im scared of knives so im glad not literally lol

Lynn:

00:19

So that means he can control it.

Anonymous9806:

00:20

when he gets drunk theres no controlling anything i dont think? even if i try there doesnt seem to be rationalizing but my idea of rational and other peoples i guess is different

Anonymous9806:

00:21

his girlfriend says hes an asshole when hes drinking tequila

Lynn:

00:23

I don't know what DHR will do, if anything, but do you want me to call them for you?

Anonymous9806:

00:23

Anonymous9806:

00:24

would they let you ask them questions?

Anonymous9806:

00:24

or would we get in trouble for wasting their time?

Anonymous9806:

00:24

i say we because youd be asking for me but i dont want to get you in trouble

Lynn:

00:25

No, not at all. Because of your autism what he's doing is illegal, it's verbal and mental abuse.

Anonymous9806:

00:26

even if im 'high functioning"?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

even if im 'high functioning"?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

dont like those terms but that helps ppl understand what i mean i think

Anonymous9806:

00:26

like i was a "gifted student" but.... i dropped out of school and stuff

Lynn:

00:26

Does he have legal rights over you, like guardianship?

Anonymous9806:

00:26

oh im sorry i didnt mean to send the one thing twice

Anonymous9806:

00:27

i dont think so, i was an adult when we found out? because im "high" im kind of left to me but it doesnt mean its not..... really hard...

Anonymous9806:

00:28

i didnt have anywhere to go when our room mates bailed on us (im blamed for this too but it wasnt my faul my room mate lost her job) so i had to come here when mom died a week after i left the state

Anonymous9806:

00:29

i was her caregiver because im more able bodied than her with final stage copd, and otherwise myuncle wanted her to be put in a nursing home but i didnt want that, so i tried to take care of her as best as i could but its hard bc i cant take very good care of me i guess

Anonymous9806:

00:29

she probably wouldnt have died if id been better

Anonymous9806:

00:31

if we didnt go to colorado with our room mates i mean

Lynn:

00:31

No, that wasn't your fault. I'm sure she was grateful and you did a great job with her.

Anonymous9806:

00:31

but i made the bad decision to go with them so we could afford rent

Anonymous9806:

00:32

well.... she didnt want me to leave? i think she liked being with me

Anonymous9806:

00:33

when she broke ribs falling out of her bed once she had to stay in a nursing home for a month and the food was so so bad so she liked if i baked some stuff if i felt well enough to

Anonymous9806:

00:33

like liver in a gelatin served with broccoli bad

Lynn:

00:33

Oh wow, yeah. That does not sound good

Anonymous9806:

00:34

i guess im biased but id take my shake and bake over that too lol

Lynn:

00:34

Lol, for sure!

Anonymous9806:

00:34

so id smuggle her in some food when id visitor

Anonymous9806:

00:34

*visit her

Lynn:

00:34

That was nice of you

Anonymous9806:

00:34

she liked little debbie nutty bars a lot, and coca cola

Anonymous9806:

00:36

and she didnt like usual "old people" stuff i guess? she liked watching shows on her amazon fire stick, so shed make the trip from the bed to the stuffed armchair she had, turn that on, and then i was on call when she needed me for stuff, and the cats would come and go but they liked to sleep on her bed a lot lol

Anonymous9806:

00:36

i hope it wasnt a bad life for her

Lynn:

00:37

So what do you think about getting some help with your dad?

Anonymous9806:

00:38

it would be nice, but i dont know if it would be beneficial or waste everyones time. if i cant stay here then i have nowhere to go, and my cats dont, so im worried

Anonymous9806:

00:39

would someone be able to talk to me first so we could figure out if its worthwhile? im so worried they wont believe me either and then ill be in more trouble and everyone just wasted time and resources

Lynn:

00:39

Ok, if you don't want to give me your information I understand that, but look up adult protective services in your area or call 211 so you can ask what you need to and decide what you want to do. You don't have to let him treat you like this.

Anonymous9806:

00:40

im sorry im not trying to cause problems for you or um. make it seem like im turning my nose up at your health i appreciate you

Lynn:

00:40

Just explain to whoever you talk to why you're so scared and ask for them to help you make sure he doesn't make things worse for you.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

okay, thanks so much! i will do this when hes not around to hear me

Lynn:

00:41

You're not at all. Your concerns are valid, I'm just trying to give you ways to find help.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

thank you

Lynn:

00:41

Ok, good. Please do call them. You don't deserve this.

Anonymous9806:

00:41

ive just been so sad

Lynn:

00:41

You're welcome!

Lynn:

00:42

I know and I get why.

Anonymous9806:

00:42

ive been overwhelmed and it doesnt help to be screamed at

Lynn:

00:42

No, it doesn't.

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