#I'm sorry this was late!! Unfortunately sometimes personal life makes drawing hard but I wanted so bad to finish it!!

[telebeast]

Hello @chubs-deuce, and happy belated holidays! I was your secret santa this year and decided to do something with your idea of Chell having a moment of restful coziness. The Rattmann dens of the first game came to mind, with their makeshift cooking setups and boxes laid out for bedding and I thought, wouldn't it be nice for her to take a pause and utilize it herself? Thank you for your patience, I hope you like it! @portal-secret-santa [ID in alt]

[hughiecampbelle]

Cornered (Homelander Oneshot)

Character/s: Homelander

Word Count: 1,645

Requested: Hi! Can I request Homelander x reader with the prompts “Engagement” and “I missed you”? I haven’t requested anything from anyone in awhile so I hope I’m doing this right 😆 - anon

A/N: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long my love! Writing fics has been especially hard lately. I have so many great requests, so many good ideas, but I hate everything I write and I just don't want to post something I'm unhappy with. I'm still not 100% over this, but rewriting it over and over just ends up making it worse unfortunately 😅 Writers block is so frustrating and makes me feel awful. Thank you for being so patient and I really hope you like it!!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💜💜

I missed you. His room is completely destroyed. Mirrors shattered, statues broken, furniture in flames. And he stands in the middle, perfectly untouched, unphased, arms stretched outward. He expects a hug. He expects a lot of things. You step over the debris, inhaling the scent of smoke, of burning, mazing through the mess towards him. It’s too quiet. Aside from the crackling of the fire, it eats through the fabric, the stuffing of the couch, you could hear a pin drop. This place had always been eerie, but it was downright frightening. His smile is wide, unfaltering. He wraps himself around you, his hand raising to cradle the back of your head, pressing you into him. He never learned to be gentle. He never learned to hug someone like he likes them. He does it out of ownership, control. He does it so that you cannot fight back. You squeeze your eyes shut, imagining a different life, a different love, anything but this. Your arms stay still at your side. I missed you so much, he says again as a sign in relief. He doesn’t wait for you to respond. He’s learned, over the years, that conversations like this lack a back and forth. They are one sided. He talks to himself. Sometimes he’s okay with it. Sometimes he’s not. At this moment, he is the latter. I missed you so much. Is he talking to himself? Responding to himself? Is he trying to comfort himself? Did you miss me? This is a test. Unable to speak, to find your voice, you nod. You make sure he can feel you do this. Good, he smiles, that's good. You did good. You passed. This time. 

It’s hard to remember a time before this. There was a childhood. An adolescence. Young adulthood. There had to be. People didn’t just wake up one day, existing instantaneously. You had to have had a family, friends, some sort of education. There are glimpses of that, of a person who lived, who looked like you, who is long gone. A best friend you shared crayons with. Maybe they were colored pencils. All you see is the colors, the dimpled hands of small children grabbing greedily at the cyan blue or cherry red. You don’t know what you were drawing, or who this other person was, only that, for a few seconds at least, you had a friend. Someone who cared about you, perhaps even loved you. There is a car ride. You’re big enough to sit in the passenger seat. It’s bright outside, green, probably Spring. The window is cracked open, the breeze kissing your face, the sunlight beaming down through the branches of the tree lined street. A feminine voice is talking to you. Her words are muffled, her tone malleable. Sometimes she sounds happy, on the verge of laughter. Other times she’s annoyed, frustrated. The scenery never changes. It is always nice out. It was always warm. You like to think of her as your mother. A maternal figure concerned for your safety, pleasantly surprised about a good grade, tired of your attitude. You’d take it all, needy for validation. A father, you’re sure, slamming a door. There’s a suitcase on the floor, between you. You’re not sure who takes ownership over it. There is yelling, a language you don’t recognize. He vibrates, his anger cartoonish. What did you do to deserve this? Are you leaving or is he? You’re older than you were in the car ride. You’re not sure how you know, only that you do. There is no beginning or end, just snippets of the middle. How does this play out, you wonder. You could come up with a story. He’s leaving and you’re trying to stop him. You’re leaving and he’s trying to stop you. You’re not sure which is better. 

There are glimpses of the past. Yours, you assume, though the line between reality and fantasy has long been gone, worn away with time and desperation. A taste of normalcy. You imagine you lived in a small town in the middle of the country, somewhere bleak and boring, somewhere you could have been extraordinary. You imagine a child version of yourself dreaming of this future down to the last detail. You wake up each morning in his bed, in his place, at the top of the tower. For a few cloudy seconds you view this world from the perspective of a stranger: there is an engagement ring on your finger, the space beside you in the bed is empty, the room you occupy is grand and expensive looking. The person who lives here, who found love, who has everything they could ever want, should be happy, right? And then, like a slap across the cheek, stinging, it hits you: you are that person. So why aren’t you happy? Isn’t this what you wanted? Isn’t this what you asked for? Dreamed of? 

The haze ends your first weeks after joining The Seven. Reporters, cameras flashing, overwhelmed by voices and snapshots and microphones. You smile, doing your best to hear a question between the mumbling of the crowds. A hand pulls you through the chaos, leading you to salvation. Safely inside, he laughs, congratulating you. There’s a light in his eyes that is warm, safe. You can’t believe he’s giving you attention, let alone complimenting you. You thank him. He’s there again, behind you, a hand on your shoulder. It was reassuring at the time, a way to show solidarity between veteran and rookie heroes. Your voice shakes, fear and anxiety radiating through you. You’d never had your own press conference before. It was after a big save, though. Everyone stood back, letting you in the limelight. You debuted a new suit, a new identity, letting your name fade away. Even now it sounds alien to you. The person you were and the person you are are disconnected, isolated. It’s been years since you’ve heard someone say it. Hearing it in passing is no longer startling, it no longer grabs your attention. It’s lost all meaning. 

This was years ago. You were still fresh faced. His touch was new, exciting. His affections were innocent, friendly. This world was bright and shiny. It’s lost its excitement. It’s lost its appeal. The warmth in his eyes turned hot, burning, furious. The last time you fought they glowed red, a warning that he was not fucking around. How long ago was that? Weeks, maybe months. You’ve been good. You do as you’re told. You smile when you need to. You kiss him. You pose. You show off your ring. The story was breaking news, running through the cycle the past few days: Homelander popped the question and you said yes! You don’t recognize yourself in the interviews. You don’t recognize him either. You’re happy, laughing easily, talking about wedding plans. The interviewer, a woman with lipstick on her teeth, asks about the future. Oh, you say. The mask slips. You hadn’t thought about the future. Years now you spent getting through the moment, the minute. You didn’t have it in you to think ahead. You couldn’t. You knew what it looked like, what he’d want from you, what you’d have to give up. Not just a name or a past. That was easy. That’s what you thought you wanted. This was a lifetime. A lifetime of fear, threats, and silence. Oh, you say, and it all comes at once, the realizations wrapping their hands around your throat. He squeezes your hand, talking for the both of you, filling the silence like a pro. She turns her attention towards him, recovering quickly. No one even noticed.  It’s better today. You dress. You sit through meetings. You disappear into the background, watching everyone instead of being part of it. You don’t think too much. You’re not overwhelmed by the idea of raising his children, of spending your time secluded with him, in his shadow. You’re not disgusted by the ring on your finger or the way he kisses you. The bruises strategically placed where fabric covers do not ache as bad as they did yesterday. It’s better today. It’s manageable. Ashley goes over the next few weeks: wedding planning, florists, musicians, guests, wardrobe, cake tasting. There was so much, and yet so much was missing. A mother to cry. A father to walk you down the aisle. Friends. She wanted every part of this decision making televised. It would be the wedding of the century. She goes down the list and you only have it in you to nod. Where was Homelander? Why wasn’t he being bombarded by color palettes and types of icing and venues? It wasn’t really up to you, anyways. You could pretend. You could make decisions: a lighter palette by the ocean with raspberry cake and vanilla frosting. You could plan it all, but he would always have final say. She’s still talking, going on and on about how you’ll wear your hair and the amount of cameras, who is and isn’t allowed to drink, but you’re not really listening. You’re sinking back into the chair. You’re taking it one breath at a time. In, out. Maybe there was a before. Before him, before all this, but it’s long gone. From the moment he saw you he knew you would be his. You would do as you were told. You would follow orders. And in return, you would lose yourself. Yeah that sounds good, you say, though you’re not really listening. You’re far away from yourself, the room, the world. It was better today. The weight of what’s happened. The more she speaks, the greater the feeling becomes: dread blossoming in the middle of your chest. You were trapped. You could scream and cry all you wanted, this place was a cage and Homelander held the key. 

[o-hora-o]

hello your art is amazing !! i wondered, do you have hcs / doodles / thoughts about the aftermath of the 1955 disaster ? be it eins and tesla's reaction, how they had to support each others to rise again, how eins had to survive joyce's loss etc... also i'm curious because we always talk about einjoyce in 55 naturally, but the game showed us she still thinks of him even in 2018, it's been so long.... after all the welt joyce is the whole pillar emblem and creation of anti-entropy, it must be hard to be one of the founder of a worldwide organization based on your old lover's legacy otl

Thank you very much!!! Both for the compliment and the question. I often think about 55's aftermath, of course. And these thoughts torment me most of the time so that I draw sketches and make hcs about the alternative outcome. Sometimes I do want to draw more arts about canonical events, and I probably will but it's just...hard.  

Now further goes my headcanonical 1955 disaster aftermath and einjoyce fan ramble and I’m sorry in advance if this is not what you expected to hear from me: 

In the novel, Ada mentioned that after waking up, Ein and Tesla accepted everything that had happened very calmly. But I imagine Ada wasn't present there when they woke up, she spent all her time with Joachim and took care of him. And maybe at some point, the boy got so attached to her that that’s why he eventually decided to run away with her for 20 years, away from the problems and legacy of the late hero (And then hi3 mentions Ada only...what, once?) I imagine that Ada was really the only one who could look after Joachim because Planck spent most of her time in the hospital. 

So, now let’s talk about Planck. I love Emma, she might have quirks but she’s very dear to me. She played the mother figure whose presence could bring the sense of peace, comfort and safety. Emma was “everything is going to be alright” person with a strong yet soft spirit, she was someone Lieserl aspired to be. But oh, how lonely she’d been...throughout all her life. I think Carl was the only one who understood her like no one else. Then she lost him and was on the verge of losing her dear girls. Not to mention she had already lost Edison and Schrodinger. She had to take Edison's place and single-handedly create an entire organization out of the ashes, and Schrodinger...Planck did not live to see the day when it turned out that Erwin was alive. So yeah, Emma was a lonely woman with no one by her side but the unthinkable unbearable burden, she was the first one who had to carry the weight of the World on her shoulders. All in all, back in 1955-56 Plank was either in the hospital or busy trying to find a new base. Oh, yes, most likely she had to organize funerals which Ein and Tesla, obviously, missed. 

Ein and Tesla...as I’ve already said once, not seeing waking-up-from-coma scene in the novel was the greatest loss but the greatest blessing at the same time. I think it was the hardest and most horrific moment in their lives. And I also like to imagine around then they got drunk together for the first time. 

To be honest, I admire Tesla's copium and how she's doing...mostly alright these days. Especially regarding her unfortunate life. But damn how easily 1955 can trigger her. I think she's been holding a very deep personal grudge against Welt all these years. She almost never mentions him or speaks his name out load and, in general, she never speaks of those years either, unlike Ein. If Ein and Joachim are stuck mentally in the past, Tesla seems to exist only within "today". It's only when Joachim tries to sacrifice himself over and over again all the accumulated resentment and despair wakes up in her. Because Welt's sacrifice did all this to Joachim and Welt's legacy is louder than Tesla's cry to stop playing a lonely hero. I think Tesla is a definition of "I told you so" in this story. She was the one who foresaw Welt's death. She was the one who wanted to share her "know there's nothing worth remembering in our lives so there's no need to dwell on the past" ideology to help him let go of the guilt and start appreciating his life. I think she cared about him no less then Ein because I see Tesla and Welt as a younger brother/older sister duo, they always bicker, tease but care for each other nonetheless. So of course when she woke up, she was lost, angry, hysterical and hurt. I think she deserves no less than Joachim or Ein the opportunity to meet Welt again and to talk everything she’s been holding inside all these years out. But apparently this was too boring for the writers, and they just decided to erase Welt’s soul for forever and took away from AE the opportunity to try locating his soul in the core and bring him back when they’re not busy preventing the end of the world every day. But instead, we got Joffrey (I have nothing against the boy but this whole clone thing just feels so.... utterly wrong, help). And I find it ironic that the one who unwillingly made Tesla’s life a mess is, kinda, became her son whom she’s been taking care of and who will be by her side from now on. 

And Lieserl...you know, I’ve never been a fan of romantic stories but somehow einjoyce got a chokehold on me and my heart, for me they’re the true manifestation of soulmates and match-made-in-heaven thing. I already had a little brainrot post about her living after 1955 but yes, you are right, she still thinks of him even in 2018 and I still can’t wrap my mind around it. That and the fact she’d been analysing him for 3 years before she took him in to the 42 lab. For 3 years, without seeing him in person (and she even tried to practice talking less “nonsense” so she would look mysterious and idk attractive to him? But totally failed on the very first day spent together with him). And then, in the course of one, ONE, month Welt became someone who could not only understand Ein’s quirks, chaotic thoughts but also enjoy her personality and communicate with her in pure silence. He was the last one she talked to so freely and who actually listened to her. And Lieserl being ready to rather die than let Erwin hurt Welt is a whole “hear me out” conversation on its own. So yes, I believe a part of her died that day with Welt and the other - later on with the death of her "ultimate navigator" Planck (I still think about how she shortly mentioned that that period was a nightmare for the organization). Now she's just Doctor Einstein and even though she acts as her younger self from time to time she still feels like an... empty cold vessel with an escapistic fixation on work, books and games. And if she has no Tesla to tease, no work to do, no book to read and no game to play, she escapes into nostalgic thoughts. Does she really care about the future of the world and humanity? Because I think she can't care less about 99% people around her. She and Joachim are just driven by symbolic and twisted sense of Welt's legacy who thought his death would be insignificant and then it turned their lives upside down and inside out. Does she even care about Joachim or just sees him as a part of Welt’s legacy? 

But back to the 1956. 

Would it be too sadistic to imagine she had a long dream in which no one died whilst she was in coma? I remember I had an old headcanon similar to this one but it's about present days where 14th Herrscher puts everyone to sleep with an ideal dream. And it back loops to the moment when Ein wakes up in sweat early in the morning in the villa of Southend-on-Sea.  

But anyway. The moment when she woke up from coma...I’m no writer but let’s say her consciousness awakened before her sensations. She couldn't understand where she was or who she was. She didn't remember what happened. And this void of perception caused both calmness and unease for her, everything around felt like through fathomless water. It was hard for her to open eyes and concentrate because she was met by blinding light and dizziness instead. Her hands were shaking, and her body was shivering when she tried to get up. As she called for Welt and Tesla her lips felt numb and every word seemed to scratch her throat, taking away all her energy so that she was ready to fall asleep again. And let’s say Tesla woke up sooner than Ein so that Nicola and Emma were both in anticipation and fear of the moment when she would wake up only to split her life into “before” and “after” with mere three words. She would be in denial and panic would slowly rise up her throat. As the realisation set in, she would slowly suffocate on the verge of tears. Because all of it was so unfair, she entrusted her little World’s fate to the world, and it took him away. She failed to protect him, and the guilt slowly consumed her from the inside day after day, year after year. And to give her an eternal life with an option of ending it by her will is... sigh. I hope she and Tesla at least got sedative pills while in hospital. 

So that’s when Tesla and Ein formed a strong bond. But their problem is that they are constantly keeping all their opinions, feelings and thoughts to themselves (yes, even Tesla) and most likely it resulted in various quarrels and then Emma helped them realise that from now on they only have each other and the life will go on but in the end... they will be the only one left.  

Sometimes I forget that not long after all of this hospital chaos they took part in numerous interviews with Joachim who had to shapeshift into Welt's appearance, and he had to do that for years. That's almost as dreadful as getting eternal lives.  

As you can see, I can endlessly talk about them and all the known scenes they took part in after 1955. I honestly tried to write my thoughts as short as possible, and I hope you don’t regret opening this door into abyss of my endless thoughts with your question. 

[thehomothings]

Analysis of Kite's conflicting moralities, relationship with death, and the toll reincarnation may take on one's psyche

So, today I decided to compile all the thoughts I have had about Kite's interesting worldview since the first time I saw him into one post, mostly for my own sake, really. If you're familiar with the few posts I've made, you know it's gonna be a mess, but hopefully a comprehensible mess.

A heads up, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, and very much deal with subjects of death and dying as a whole. Also, some of these conclusions are drawn from my own experiences and close brushes with death, I'm not going to go into much detail but it might get personal and definitely dark. I'm not even sure if I can call this a meta-analysis, and I'm obviously no expert, so mayhaps take all of this with a grain of salt.

Been getting into drawing lately, and during the more simple and mindless part of the painstaking process of dotting every single star in this, I let my thoughts wander through the latest part of the fic I'm writing, and I got a better grasp on what exactly made Kite such an elusive character to me.

I'm not quite sure why I got so attached to Kite. Perhaps it was the air of tragedy surrounding him, how despite his sordid past he remained still open and gentle even if outlined by a healthy dose of cynicism.

But sometimes, I think it's the fact that he is so paradoxical. He's brave, yet fears death to such a degree that creates a whole Nen ability around it, is a pacifist yet will not hesitate to spill blood for his own sake or someone else's. Despite the many ultimatums and warnings of 'I will not protect you', he gave his arm and then his life to save Gon and Killua. He approaches each hunt and battle with a clear plan of action in mind, but his Hatsu takes the form of a roulette that gives him random weapons which are never what he wants, but what he seems to need for that exact situation, which he cannot dispel without using. When he draws a weapon, the decision is locked in and his or his opponent's fate is sealed. That's why each time he dubbs his weapon a bad roll. Every time he has to gamble, he sees himself as having run out of luck. When it comes to having to choose between himself and somebody else...well, there had never been a choice. In fact his aversion to using it may feed into its sheer power that we, unfortunately, saw too little of.

Let's go over his very first appearance when he saves Gon from the mother Foxbear.

It's not hard to see the strain searching for Ging has put on him; he's rash, prone to anger and punching a child for daring to get into trouble. In his mind, he's failing at his most important task, has not yet earned the right to call himself a hunter despite being in possession of his very own hunter license.

After killing the mother Foxbear and raging about having done so, he says this interesting line:

So yes, he finds killing for any reason rather irksome as most would do, yet I think something deeper caused him to absolutely lose it in this scene:

He had not been aware of Gon's identity, and despite being an animal lover and a naturalist, he made a choice to save the human instead of allowing nature to run its course. In fact, he says: 'No beast that harms a human must be allowed to live.'

How does one weight one life against another? How is the worth of it determined? The value of life... an impossible choice he's faced with and a choice which he seems to regret to some degree.

The Foxbear cub.

Here, he's speaking from experience, a tangible loss he has felt himself, and a hard and bitter life he does not want to impose on the cub.

His backstory is exclusive to the 2011 anime adaptation but there are hints alluding to it in the manga, for example, the fact that he does not seem to know his birthplace, or:

The choice of words is chilling.

Reading between the lines, one could draw the conclusion that he is an orphan. Something supporting this hypothesis is how he visibly deflates after Gon tells him his parents have (presumably) died.

So we see he is willing to go against his own moral code of not killing as to not doom another living being to the life he led, a lonely, hopeless existence that could barely be called one. He saw it best to put down the cub rather than leave it to die a painful, slow death.

The reason Kite himself isn't as cynical and cold-hearted as one would be after witnessing cruelty in its rawest form is those small crumbs of human kindness which he may have found in Ging.

It was not only a chance at an honorable life being Ging's apprentice gave him, but it also 'saved' him from being broken and twisted into what he hated and worst of all, death.

If we take that one minute of backstory as canon to his character-which I find myself inclined to do- these quirks of his make much more sense. He lived on the run. He lived on the knife's edge between giving up or pushing forwards. He lived as so a wrong move could be the difference between survival and the end.

Between rock and a hard place creates a mentality of black and white, absolute good or extreme evil, this or that. Except in reality, it's much harder than that. Deciding who to save and who to strike down is a heavy burden to bear.

It's almost easy to see how struggling to keep surviving could lend itself to a crippling fear of death and subsequently developing a Nen ability which once more goes against his own moral code in order to give himself a second chance...yet something about it strikes me as unlikely when I look at it this way.

Living life knowing it could end at any moment has the opposite effect, at least for me it did. One comes to accept that it is fleeting and while not eager to let it go, when death eventually and inevitably does come, there is no fighting it.

Especially when there is no hope that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.

Frequent near-death experiences numb one's fear in a way, even if it drives them to take precautions that render it unlikely to happen again and results in c-PTSD, but still, it does. It sparks a certain nihilistic view of 'if it all can end so easily, then what's the point of it all?'

Unless there are things to live for, a sure promise of a better future, and Ging gave Kite that. When he faced the threat of losing his second chance at life:

Really, what else could lead someone to develop the ability of 'the hell I'm going to die like this'?

I think a separate event, an even more brutal near-death experience that almost cost him his life as the hunter he so strived to be set him off to develop the secret roll of Crazy Slots, what I call Roll No.0, Ars moriendi. Unlike other weapons, it cannot come up in random and is directly summoned by him, or better said, summon by his overwhelming will to keep going and hopelessness of fighting a losing battle. I don't believe roll No.3 was the weapon that allowed him to reincarnate. I've named that one Wand of Fortune, a sort of armor instead of an offensive weapon since I find it hard to believe Kite, a Conjurer, would not focus on defences as well, and I will go into both mechanisms of these weapons hopefully in his backstory.

Despite knowing this battle to be a pointless one and being acutely aware of his soon to be demise, he did not immediately draw Ars moriendi, no, he stayed back and fought for the sake of the boys, kept Neferpitou occupied until they could reach safety. We can see evidence of this in the aftermath of the battle that seemed to have gone on until dawn, a torn apart landscape only signaling a fraction of the devastation that was Kite's power unleashed. It still wasn't enough.

In the anime sub I watched, when Gon apologizes to Ging about Kite's death, Ging said a sentence that infuriated me, because it belittled the utter suffering of the NGL trio.

"He would not die in your place." (No screenshot, sorry)

And I remember practically shouting at the screen, screaming 'how could you possibly say that? Of course he did. He absolutely did die in their place. How could you not know your own apprentice? Why-'

It was only last night that it hit me why Ging would say that.

Once upon a time, maybe Kite would not have given his life for anybody under any circumstances, even if he had a way out of it all. He would still need to die to come back to life.

His Thanatophobia could be attributed to the (possibly untreated) PTSD of the near-death experience in his later life, being so certain of dying that finding himself alive afterwards drove him to never want to go through that again. He quieted his fear by creating a sort of a loophole, that even if he lost the battle he would remain. Ging remembered that, but as evidence shows, something changed. Maybe he healed a bit, perhaps growing up dulled his fear to a certain degree, but eventually when it came down to his life or another's, he didn't choose himself.

Now, I can hear you saying 'but he didn't die, so what are you going on about??' And so I reply: Yes, he is alive, but he did die. He experienced that painful, horrible moment of staring death in the eyes and thinking 'This is it, this is the end', went through the actual process of having his soul removed from his body. And that moment stretches into infinity, ten lifetimes condensed into the mere seconds before oblivion.

Dying isn't so hard if one stays dead.

It's not so easy to open one's eyes and find oneself alive again after that, no matter how much that is the heart's desire. It's difficult, nigh-impossible to reconcile with life and walk amongst the living when everything had been so final, when death had been accepted to its fullest.

So Kite awakens, the twin of Meruem and back from the dead, his mind and identity both intact and fractured. In that he is Kite is no mistaking, yet he is not the same gentle pacifist whose first reaction upon sensing a monster's aura was to shield two kids from it at the cost of his arm.

I don't think many of you are familiar with Zoroastrian ideology, but Togashi is known for loving his religious imagery, and it's not only Christianism he derives inspiration from (evidence of which can be seen all over Kite's character and resurrection).

In Zurvanism-a branch of Zoroastrianism- there is talk of the twin spirits: Ahura Mazda -epitome of all that is good- and Ahriman -epitome of all that is evil-, the parent god Zurvin decides that the firstborn may rule in order to bring "heaven, hell, and everything in between."

Upon becoming aware of this fact, Ahriman forcibly tears through the womb to emerge first. Sounding familiar yet?

Zurvan relents to this turn of events only on one condition: Ahriman is given kingship for 9000 years, and then Ahura Mazda may rule for eternity.

Meruem ruled for 40 days, his death leaving the throne vacant for ant Kite, wearing a dead girl's face and seeming to be brewing some nefarious plan. No more is there any sign of that unrelenting pacifism and the sanctity of life he held so high, losing his own may have only served to show him how meaningless the pain and suffering he went through had been, dying only to be reborn as a member of the species that killed him. It may be that he has no desire to rule over the remaining Chimera ants or create an army of his own-

Yet I dread to think what a broken mind possessing limitless power might do to the world.

And that's it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you found it interesting, stay tuned, as I think a lot and I will make it your problem.

[actiniumwrites]

Hiii, actinium! Truly thank you for letting me send an entry still and also big congrats on hitting 1k yourself! It's much deserved for sure! :3

Name: Dust

About Me/Personality:

I'm an introvert through and through. My mbti is INFJ.

I have always been the shy and quiet girl my entire life and I need people to come to me when they want to get to know me because, oh lord, I'm horrible at making the first move.

I unfortunately can sometimes be a bit stubborn and have a hard time accepting things or seeing my own mistake. Comes from being a huge perfectionist. This also comes with always being a hard working and having a tendency to overwork myself because I realize way too late when I'm exhausted and in need of a break.

Generally I'd say I always try to see the good in people and love hanging out with them, but social interaction can quickly exhaust me too and I will need some time to recharge my social batteries. This isn't so much the case for people I'm really close to though. Around those I'm comfortable with I'm not too shy to let out a bit of my crazier side. I love goofing around with friends and loved ones and I can be quite sarcastic. Shamelessly admitting that I love dad jokes and can crack one or two here and there at times.

My self-confidence never has been the highest and I generally get a bit nitpicky about myself at times.

I'm often pretty busy so my partner will have to be able to deal with that.

My love language is physical touch all the way. I'm in need of many hugs. I also love sleeping in together while cuddling.

Hobbies/Passions: I love gaming, drawing, writing, reading, cooking/baking and gardening.

Some things you like and dislike:

I like: Reliability, honesty, politeness, punctuality (I really really hate it when people are too late), small acts of love that show me that the other person thinks of me even if they're busy (e.g. bringing me a drink, leaving me a note etc.), people with a good sense or humor and some goofyness.

I dislike: Pretty much the opposites of everything I mentioned above, as well as people who never take anything I say serious, condescending people, unnecessary drama or being pulled into drama

Your ideal date:

Just hanging out, watching TV/reading books is nice. I also love cuddling without needing many words or depending on my mood initiating some deep talk or discussing about things. Or literally just spending time in the same room, knowing the other one is there while each one is doing their work (practically being alone together, if that makes sense)

Gender of Character: Male

I think that is pretty much it! this has gotten pretty long now haha, oops sorry! thank you again for making an exception. I'm looking forward who you're going to match me with! :3

I MATCH YOU WITH . . .

ZHONGLI!

TROPE: STRANGERS TO LOVERS

it was a rather warm night when you met zhongli for the first time. there was a calming breeze and a slight spray of the ocean drifting through the harbor

you were sat against a bench, in a more quiet part of the harbor where only a few citizens lingered. nevertheless, it was your favorite part of the city

the flowers that surrounded the area made it all the more peaceful, alongside the trees that rattled every now and then with the breeze

suddenly, your peace was intruded upon by a rather tall stranger, with beautiful brown hair and the kindest looking eyes you had ever seen

“ah, it has truly been awhile since i’ve been over here. many years ago, this was my favorite corner of the city. one of the only places i’ve been able to find true peace.”

you didn’t say anything in response, too startled by his sudden presence. yet, for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away

and so, you allowed him to stay

eventually, you learned his name was zhongli and how he worked at the funeral parlor, along with a million other details, of course. there was something oddly calming about him, almost like the night around you

although you didn’t speak much, it was okay with him. zhongli spent the entire night talking to you, and as the night passed on, you began to speak with him more and more too

a few hours prior, you would have never spoken to him in your life. you could’ve never guessed the man sitting in front of you now would become your partner for life

[wollfling]

Hi Allie! I wondered if I could ask you for some advice. I want to draw really badly and create art but I really don't have any skill! I know that in order to get better at art I have to actually do it, but I feel so overwhelmed by how I'm not where I want to be with it right away, and also with where to start with learning to draw. Do you ever feel that way when you draw? And if you do how have you gotten past it?

[I am literally so sorry this is so long oh my God. My mind has been very jumbled lately so I accidentally rambled too much, but I hope it still helps you in any way orz] Oh sweet little anon.. ;^; I do feel that way, a lot of the time if not all of the time! Just recently this week, I felt like I just couldn't draw despite picking up my pencil and scribbling, it just wasn't working partly for that exact reason! Overwhelmed by not being where I want to be with it! These things happen and its frustrating. It's hard for me to imagine as a beginner artist because I've been drawing since I can remember but I will still do my best to offer you some meaningful advice!

But first, to answer your very last question, getting past it can be a little random sometimes. This whole week after being unable to draw, I was laying in bed trying to sleep while reflecting on some heavy feelings ive been having and memories. Suddenly part of an image flashed in my mind and I got up to immediately try drawing it. (The drawing I recently posted and captioned "parade"!) I worked on it completely driven by my heart, and so it didn't matter at the time if it looked good or was anatomically correct, etc. Right now I am working on another heart-driven drawing, but if I tried to work on lets say a study or character drawing instead.. I dont think i could!

My point in all this is that, I think that its important to know/understand why you want to create art, and I think my advice would change slightly depending on your answer. For me personally, I am an emotional artist. I create art that (usually) reflects how I'm feeling or topics I am emotionally drawn to. Illustrations, drawing characters, writing comics, etc.. I think this week, while I'm definitely struggling with my skill level, I was so burdened by some things I've been feeling lately that I couldn't focus on or enjoy anything that I was trying to create, until I was able to release it all in a drawing. (And I'm still not done with them hence why I am now working on another related drawing, but im making SOMETHING and feeling passionate which cannot be said with any of my other attempts this week.) So since these drawings purpose outweigh my current issues regarding my skill, I am able to work on them. If that makes sense?

Okay im sorry with how long-winded this all is so far and all about myself orz but I wanted to give context on how I view art and I think if you asked someone who creates like. Hyperrealistic drawings their answers would be completely different. So! I wanted you to be able to judge if my advice would work for you if that makes any sense at all...!!! Moving on to my actual advice then..!

This is a little general ofc because I dont know what sort of art you are creating, or what your passion behind it is. And if after this you would like to tell me more about your art I would love to hear! ��💗 you are welcome to dm me or if you send another anon/ask i think that would be good too since.. well other artists who see can also give their own advice too!

Okay. So anyways lol, first I want to tell you that your desire to create art makes you an artist, despite your skill level. And therefore, everything and anything that you make even now has value. Even if right now you're drawing wonky shaded spheres and cubes! I understand its frustrating when wanting to make something but you feel like your skill isn't "there" and how that can prevent you from making anything to begin with!! But I really want you to try and work through it! Ignore it, disregard it, give your worries about your skill the silent treatment!! And I know its near impossible to do but if its getting in the way of you actually creating well.. thats the worst! We can't have that. If you really want to draw, then you really NEED to draw, you know what I mean? You deserve to draw! The hardest part for like 80% of artists is working around their skill level. I promise you will get there, but for now, you can't let it get in your way. And I realize me saying "oh you feel like you're not good at drawing and its hindering you from doing it? Just do it" sounds like Chad advice but ;---; unfortunately its the reality that comes with being an artist. If you tell me more about what you like to/why you want draw then maybe we can find some alternate lines of thinking that will help you (for example "this tiger i drew looks like shit but drawing all of her stripes was therapeutic and made it worth it!" If lets say you draw as a stim, opposed to "this tiger im drawing looks so bad I can't even look at it anymore " dhsjhd I really hope that this all makes sense lol.)

Moving on, learning how to draw.. this also depends on what you enjoy drawing but my main piece of advice here is study from real life. I grew up drawing cartoons and anime, and now that I want to draw a little more realistically.. its so hard!! If you study real shapes/people/animals/etc it might be easier later on when you understand fundamentals to bend them if you decide to create stylized or surreal art. However if right now you like to draw stylized art, I would recommend to keep working on your personal style while studying from real life on the side simultaneously! Any way you look at it, understanding how shapes, lighting, colour, etc work in the real world will help you out even with the most obscure pieces. And since art is a learned skill yknow you need to build those brain..pathways..and such. Im not a scientist but you get what i mean. Studies are the equivalent to lifting weights! I would recommend the website quickposes (com) they have a library of images that they throw at you at random. The site can explain itself better than I can lmao, check it out!!!

I really hope i was able to offer you something of value here, I didnt mean to ramble so much. I'm excited for you to grow as an artist, I love when I hear about others deciding to learn how to draw ;-; please feel welcome to ask for any clarification (as im having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately) or if you really just want to ask or say anything! ♡♡♡ again sorry if this was more than you bargained for length wise dhsishskshksj

[jokerhappylover]

With Arthur when he gets fired

You usually get up from bed feeling lazy and today wasn't different. It was about 8 AM, you woke up still feeling kind of tired, then you went to the kitchen to prepare your breakfast. After eating you went back to your bedroom to watch the news.

Subway murders. That was the fisrt new. It happened last night at Wall Street's subway station, the victims were three young men, and the most curious thing about it was that the suspect was someone wearing a clown make up or mask.

You fisrt got worried when you heard the word "murders", it's really sad and worrying that things like that happen in the city, but at the clown part you just heard yourself saying "what?", like, was that what they actually said?... Sometimes you think that you've seen everything in Gotham, especially crimes, Gotham was a rough and violent place unfortunately, but a killer clown? That's new.

Speaking of clowns, you had to start getting ready to work or otherwise you could get late. You worked at Haha's as a party clown, your clown name was 'Lovely', you wore pink clothes and make up, and pink roller skates, the children loved your character and you usually had someone else with you at the parties and places you'd visit. Carnival, his clown name was Carnival. The person under the make up was your favorite person at Haha's, Arthur Fleck.

You got ready and left the house, and you had no choice but taking the subway, it was something that you did everyday but today it felt a little different.

You arrived at Haha's, you got there a little later than usual, but no one seemed to notice, your boss Hoyt was at his office and the rest of the guys didn't even see you entering the place. All of your coworkers seemed already there. Randall was half-dressed as a clown and sitting with Gary, and other guys were around a small table drinking coffee. Then you see Arthur near the lockers, you were already wondering if he hadn't come yet, but he was there, and seeing he was there already made you feel better, he was speacil, unfortunately the clowns at Haha's wouldn't treat him so well.

You started putting your things on a table and you hear noises of things falling, when you look around you see some of Arthur's things on the floor, you first thought that maybe they had fallen from his locker, but then you realized he was taking them from the locker by dropping them on the floor, did something bad happened? Why was him doing that? Maybe it was nothing but you had a bad feeling, you were worried about him.

Then you heard Gary saying "Hey Art, I heard what happend - I'm sorry man". Gary seemed a good person and it was nice from him to say that, but you was just getting more worried, what happened after all?!?!

Then Randall says "Yeah, doesn't seem fair, to get fired like that"... WHAT? FIRED? You couldn't believe those words. Why?! How?! No, please no!! It couldn't be real, your eyes were already watering.

Arthur looked hard at Randall for a moment. Randall had always treated Arthur like if he liked him, saying Arthur was his boy and stuff but he didn't sound so real, it didn't sound like he actually cared Arthur got fired, and you were already thinking he was being fake, not only now but all this time. Maybe it wasn't nice from you to think that about other people, but Arthur had so many nicknames there, they would make fun of him... You didn't like the way he was treated for no reason.

Arthur kept cleaning his locker out, now he was stuffing all of his clown gear into a brown shopping bag. You were feeling so bad, it hurted even more to see him taking all him stuff to leave... Forever... It was almost too bad to be true.

Then one of the clowns said "Did you really bring a gun to the children hospital? Why would you do that for?" Wait, what? A gun? What's even going on here? You were getting confused and more worried.

Then you hear "So is that part of your act? If your dancing doesn't do the trick, you just gonna shoot yourself?" and a lot of laughters. The guys there were so rude and ignorant, not even when Arthur gets fired they would stop making fun of him.

Then Arthur finally says something.

"Why don't you ask Randall about it? It was his gun."

"What?" Randall said.

"I still own you for that, don't I?" Arthur answered.

Wait, you remembered of something. Some days ago while you were getting into your clown look, Arthur was sitting next to the lockers alone and Randall came, and you saw him giving something to Arthur, he laughed, it seemed like Arthur didn't want to accept it and it was a secret between them. Was that it? A gun? It all seemed to make sense.

Randall didn't like what Arthur said, he seemed really upset about it and asked Arthur to stop, he was already leaving and made a noise with his trumpet and dropped it.

You were so upset about all this situation.

Arthur came back saying "Oh no, I forgot to punch out!" and literally punched the clock and it fell on the floor, Arthur laughed. It was obvious that he wasn't okay, but you loved his attitude and couldn't help but smile after he did that and give a little laugh.

But it was a serious situation, and you were already at Arthur's side, you've always been. You take his trumpet and follow him.

He's already outside the building. "Arthur!!", you call him. He stops walking and looks at you, you got closer, with a sad look at your face. .

You show him his trumpet which he had left behind, you were giving it back to him like if he had forgotten it.

"You left this" You said. You didn't even know what words to say, you knew that he left it behind on purpose, you just wanted to be there for him, you wanted him to know that he was not alone, you were on his side

He looks at it for a second, takes it saying "Thank you" and put it in the bag. "But I guess I don't need these things anymore." he said.

You were really upset at Randall and the rest of the clows for acting like they did, but the most important thing to worry about was Arthur, and it made you really sad to think of how he was fired while being such a good clown. You just loved seeing him dancing, he was the cutest and best clown you've seen, and also the fact that he said he was always told his purpose in life was bringing joy and laughter to the world, and he knew since he was a a little boy that he wanted to be a comedian, and he's always put so much energy in bringing happiness... His story as a part clown couldn't end like that.

"Don't say that. This is not the end of the story, Arthur, we're gonna solve this problem."

He looks at you for about three seconds. He seemed to feel like you cared about him, but wasn't sure or didn't know why, he didn't have anyone close to him, someone to support him, so that was kind of unusual to him.

"Y/N... I'm fired, okay? I messed up and I'm fired, it's over."

"No, it's not. I'm not gonna let this end like that." you gave a pause and completed "I can talk to Hoyt and..." he interrupted you.

"He would never hire me back, he was really angry and yelling at me when he fired me after the children hospital thing. I'm 100% fired". He seemed hopeless. "I'm a party clown with A GUN" he completed.

"You mean Randall's gun?"

He just looks at you, like if he was surprised by the fact that believed him, that he wasn't alone.

You take a breathe and says "Look... I know it was his gun, he gave the gun to you, didn't he? I saw everything, I know it's all Randall's fault".

He just looks at you once again, this time with a little smile/smirk at his face, starting to realize you two were together at this, you two against them. Then he looks at something behind you, you turn around and you see Randall next to you, he came right at the moment when you said that.

"Nice, Y/N is on your side! Look Arthur, what was all that about? Why would you say that?" Randall said.

"What?" Arthur asked

"That it was my idea about the gun. That subway situation ain't no joke, you know, they got sketches of clowns on front of every newspaper-" Randall answered.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Randall" Arthur said.

Randall answered with "Right. Okay. I just want to make sure you got your head on straight".

Arthur looked at him and smiled. "My head's right there" he said.

Randall nodded saying "Good, I don't even know if you did it but there's no need to draw any attention to yourself. Y'know? Or we both are in trouble".

Arthur asked "What are you worried about? You didn't commit the crime at the subway did you?"

"Of course I didn't" Randall answered.

"You didn't shoot one point blank in the head, the other one twice in the chest, before chasing the third one down and shooting him three times in the back, right?" Arthur completed. He gave so many details that worried/scared you a little bit.

Arthur puts his fingers forming a gun to Randall's head, and stares straight at him. Then he leaves singing 'Send in the Clowns'. You've never seen him like that, it was like a mix of being upset and confident at the same time... something feels different. He seemed so upset about all that, it made you really sad, you'd definitely do something about it.

Randall just looks at you, he doesn't really know what to do or say, only hopes you don't do anything against him.

Then Hoyt leaves the building too and found you and Randall, also sees Arthur, already far from Haha's building. While you watch Arthur far away, slowly disappearing, you hear him asking "Why are you two here when you both should be inside the building, already in full clown look? What's going on here?"

"Nothing." Randall answers and enters the building again.

"What about you, Y/N? What you doing here? You didn't even put your clown clothes yet or started applying you make up" Hoyt asks you. You don't even know what to say.

"I was.. I was just... Trying to figure out what happened to Arthur..." You answered.

"Well, not your business. Now go get ready" he answered, he's usually not patient.

"I'm sorry Hoyt, but I have to talk to you about it. Arthur didn't do anything wrong sir. I know what happened but it wasn't his fault, it was Randall's gun"

"Look Y/N, blaming Randall in order to defend Arthur is ridiculous. I get if you two are friends but to be against Randall because he told me more about Arthur is wrong of your part, you know that."

"What did Randall told you?"

"Arthur tried to convince me it was a prop, but that's bullshit, and also, Randall told me Arthur tried to buy a .38 off him last week"

"No he didn't! He didn't buy it, he didn't even want the gun-"

"Y/N, stop it. Don't make me fire you too."

You felt almost hopeless... He just doesn't listen. But then you hear yourself say:

"Well... If you're not going to give Arthur a second chance, then fine, fire me. We two or any of us."

That was wild and risky... You knew that your clown was children's favorite, also, the only roller skater clown, and for those reasons you were important and you belevied maybe Hoyt wouldn't want to fire you, you were very good at what you do and it'd be hard to find another clown like you, but in fact you were risking losing your job, but it was for Arthur, you did that for him, and for you too 'cause you were tired of Hoyt, Randall and all the rest of the people at Haha's.

"This is ridiculous Y/N." he said.

"It's up to you to decide. But if Arthur is really fired, I am leaving too". Your heart was racing while saying that.

Hoyt didn't know what to do, he didn't want to loose the only roller skater clown, also the most successful one, but he would not give Arthur a second chance. He lost his temper and gave you his answer.

"Okay, if that's how you want it, fired."

You close you eyes, take a breathe and answers "Okay" with a little smile on the face, not sure if it's a positive or sad one.

Then you entered the building, took your stuff and left the place to go home. You had just lost your job, it was for a good cause and you were proud of standing up for Arthur, but you knew you loved being a clown and it'd be hard to find another job like that, it'd be hard to simply find another job.

At home you tried to call Arthur during the afternoon but he didn't pick up, so you tried later at night.

"Y/N?" He finally picked up.

"Hey Arthur, how are you?". You didn't even know how you'd tell him what you did.

"I'm calling to tell you that I talked to Hoyt". You completed.

"You did? And how did it go?" he asked you

"I... I'm... Fired too". You answered

"What?". He thinks it's his fault, he knew that talking to Hoyt wouldn't solve the problem, but he couldn't believe you had lost your job because of that, and he felt guilty.

"Y/N, I... I'm sorry if I made that happen, this is really unfair, you didn't had anything to do with this, why would Hoyt do that? I-" he completed. He couldn't believe it ended up like this to you, and it sounded like he was upset or/and angry at himself because he thought it was his fault, you defend him and gets fired too.

"No Arthur, it's not your fault!! I made him fire me". you said

"You.. You what?" He doesn't understand why you'd do that, he's confused

"I told him that if he wasn't going to give you a second chance, he would had to fire me too. I made him choose between me AND you or none of us".

Arthur stays quiet for 2 or 3 seconds, he couldn't believe you actually did that for him. Then he says "W-why? Why would you do that? Y/N... You lost your job because of me!"

"I know, and I did this because I'm on your side, and I'm tired of Hoyt and all those guys being like that, and of all these unfair situations. And we WILL gonna find another job, another agency or something like that, okay? Together"

"Y/N, I... No one has ever done something like that for me or even supported me, I don't know what to say... Thank you so much".

You smiled at him and said "Maybe we could even do some presentations at the streets until we find a job. What do you say, Carnival?"

"I think it's a great idea, Lovely!"

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hiya! If you feel like it, may I have a reading about my path? I'm not sure which way to go when this is all over. Thanks a lot ✨💜

Sorry it took me so long to get to you!Things at home have gotten pretty awful and the energies are chaotic. Let me know if this reading is ok cause I hope the energies won't be blocking my perception but I just don't want you to wait any longer.

Just a general note: Readings are closed 

Your card: Four of Cups reversedThis is showing that you are in a period of introspection and withdrawal. It's a good time for you to self reflect and explore your inner worlds. You can use this time to check with your inner self and see what needs to be addressed. This card can also show that you may feel uninspired, disillusioned or disappointed with the world around you. If there are some difficulties you may choose to retreat instead of confronting them. Unfortunately these issues won't go away and will need your attention eventually. Additionally this card can show that you are feeling emotionally withdrawn. Maybe you haven't been open to receiving love lately. Sometimes in our battles with life's obstacles and stress we forget that we have those around that care about us or we feel undeserving of their attention for whatever reason.

Your foundations: Four of Wands uprightYour base seems to be from a positive place. You have worked hard to get here and now you are taking the time to chill out and enjoy it. If you are uncertain about your future take your time to relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor. If you are feeling disillusioned take some time to be grateful for all that you have because this card does show that you have security and good things in your life.

What you should do: Nine of Swords reversedThis card can show that you can be really hard on yourself or doubt your abilities. Take the time to do some introspective work and figure out what's the source of this and how you can manage those thoughts better. Sometimes we are carrying mental wounds from unresolved issues for years but though those hurt you can still find ways to hold them at bay by positive affirmations. You have a lot of strengths and the four of wands shows that you have a lot of positive things going for you. When you are feeling negative you can remember you have power to draw upon. Alternatively this card can show that you've worked through your period of worry and depression and are making a recovery. You may realize that things were not always as bad as you thought once you gained the clarity or perspective in life to review them. This is a time full of worry so it is good to acknowledge your fears but take the time to also review your strengths and know that you can overcome whatever life brings next.

Outcome: Ace of Cups uprightIf you manage to do the shadow work and come out with a new perspective, you can find a new sense of emotional renewal. This card shows that you can open your heart to not only experience the rich flow of emotion available to you but also to feel the love and compassion from others that care about you and the love from the universe that can flow through you. This outcome can help your creative expression, your ways of expressing yourself and your relationships. It can also show new friendships, new relationships or a new family connection. If you give yourself permission to open yourself to giving and receiving unconditional love you will notice that affection flows effortlessly. This also shows that you have the ability to give more from your compassionate side to your loved ones. You have the power to share your inner radiance and positive energy. Ultimately opening up yourself to this energy can create a new period of creativity and inspiration for life, but you have to do the shadow work first.

Obstacle: Ten of Swords reversedThere may be inevitable changes coming or endings that you are not ready to face. This card can pair up with the reversed four of cups where you want to retreat rather than confront the issue. However the more resistance the more the situation will drag on unfortunately. Trust that everything happens for a reason to help you grow in the long term and though at times it can be difficult to understand what you can be facing, you will gain clarity in the future. It's better to confront whatever is going on sooner than later so you can start fresh. This card shows that you need to re-evaluate your circumstances and let go of any aspect of your life that's no longer serving you. Additionally this card can appear as a welcome sign that the pain and sadness you have been feeling is near it's end. You just need to do the final step which is some shadow work.

Advice: The fool reversedThis card invites you to explore your playful spirit on a personal level. Maybe it's time you rediscover what moves you emotionally to help inspire you. Put on your favorite music and dance alone in your room. Look at ways to bring more play into your daily life. Rediscover interests or hobbies to mess around with. Draw again, just little doodles for fun. Write small poems, if you had a favorite computer game you enjoyed playing growing up then revisit that game. It's time to have fun!

Underlying Card: Seven of wands uprightsome underlying themes is that you may have worked hard to get the stability you have in life but your position could be challenged by others. The competition can be stressful and you feel you may have to continuously prove yourself. This could be the source of stress to the nine of wands that came up. Additionally this card can show there is a challenge to the success of a creative project from an external source. Someone or something may get in the way of you being able to pursue your goals and dreams. While it appears to be an obstacle you can overcome this by drawing upon your self-belief and by holding your ground. This card requires you to defend your stance and have courage and persistence. You have the strength and determination to do it!

Sorry again if the reading was a little off. It's been hostile in my home and I had a lot of distractions. Let me know how I did and if it wasn't clear I am happy to do another one for you!

[lovsome]

Hey sweetie, I'm not sure if you wanted your vent post to go unnoticed, but I saw it and I couldn't just scroll past it.🥺 First of all, I'm really sorry you've been having such a hard time lately, and during those 9 (?) years of being diagnosed with clinical depression.. I'm an artist myself and sometimes when life gets a little too overwhelming, I lose inspiration and will to do anything related to it, but I can't imagine how it feels like when you have to deal with depression on top of everything.. 🥺 I know I can't do much to help you out or make your troubles go away, but I at least wanted to reassure you that you're a wonderful artist (and I have a feeling you're a wonderful person too) and that your art looks amazing! I'm not saying this out of politeness or anything like that, I'm saying it because I really do like your drawings. 🥰🙈 I just want you to know that what you're going through is in no way your fault. You're doing the best you can considering the circumstances and I am really proud of you for every little thing you manage to do. I'm sending you a big hug and please take care of yourself. ❤

first of all.. thank you for this message 💙 yes unfortunately i have to say it has been really hard all these years.. i have been trying my best to stay afloat but depression is so difficult to deal with. art always helped me a lot with it and since i started dedicating pretty much all my time to it my depression has gotten better but sometimes i cant help getting overwhelmed again u know.. and when that happens i often cant even get my body to my desk to get drawing or i just want to give up on everything and since drawing is the only thing that feels good in life it gets even more depressing u know.. anyway.. im trying. thank you for liking what i make, it means a lot.. i really am doing my best. thank you for your words ❤️

[dramayeoja]

Goblin ❣︎ 도깨비

Kim Shin, an undefeated war general, is ultimately killed by a jealous young king named Wang Yeo. After death, Shin is revived by the gods—but his revival is by no means miraculous. He becomes a 도깨비 (dokkaebi, goblin), and is cursed. He will have to pay for all the lives he took in battle by living alone in immortality, witnessing everyone he's ever loved, die. Remaining lodged in his chest is the very sword that killed him. There is only person who can see that sword, and draw from his heart so that he can finally rest in peace: his bride... whom he's yet to meet.

Things get spoilery under the cut—you've been warned! ;)

Chipper, yeah? Haha so, right off the bat, the premises of Goblin remind me of like, a much more morbid version of the legend of King Arthur. You know, a man draws a sword from stone to prove himself the greatest king in all of Britain? Yeah. Just to be clear: this is a good thing (imo). Like, I personally think this is just such a cool idea for a drama 😍

Let's jump right in. I'm gonna be honest and say that, at first, I felt a little turned off at the female lead, Eun Tak, being nineteen (in the beginning of the show), meanwhile the male lead, Shin, is 900+ years old (but physically looks to be in his thirties). It just... rubbed me weird. But hey, the Twilight series (both the books and the movies) is exactly the same—high school girl, century-old man, bananas yet somehow romantic storyline... And I loved me some Twilight as a young adult. So I mean, I have no right to judge, really. Plus, Eun Tak soon turns twenty anyway. So that's an improvement I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️ We follow her character into her late twenties, nearly thirty. So things are definitely fine by then haha! 👍

Don't let that previous bit make you think I didn't enjoy Goblin—I LOVED it. That detail is just a lil funky to me, is all. Back during my Twilight obsession days, I was nearly twenty myself, and the thought of being pursued by an older man was exciting. Hell, I mean, it still is! But now that I'm two years shy of my 30th Birthday, I feel differently sometimes. I think, LAWD get that girl away from that man, she too young for him LOL. I am definitely getting old... Enough about Twilight now, apologies! I'm only using it for the sake of conveying similarities seen in Goblin 🙏 Let's talk cast!

Kim Go Eun as Ji Eun Tak and Gong Yoo as Kim Shin

Eun Tak is a bubbly young woman with limitless energy! While still in her mother's womb, Mama Ji was involved in a hit-and-run incident which, sadly, took her life. During Mama Ji's dying moments, she prayed to anyone above that her child's life be spared. Sat on a rooftop from afar, beer in hand (lol), Shin hears her prayers, as he is a god of sorts. He appears before Mama Ji, and shows mercy to her unborn baby. Eun Tak grows up with the ability to see/speak to ghosts. Said ghosts tell her constantly that she is the goblin's bride. How do they know? A strange birthmark on the back of Eun Tak's neck tips them off. Eun Tak unfortunately was taken in by her abusive bitch of an aunt, who jabs Eun Tak every chance she gets. Her cousins are assholes. Eun Tak's aunt really only keeps her around in hopes of collecting Mama Ji's savings (intended for Eun Tak) one day. Sad, right? I mean, isn't Eun Tak being born without her mother enough as it is? Life can be so cruel 😔

Lee Dong Wook as Grim Reaper/Reaper/Wang Yeo

This is Grim Reaper (or Reaper for short), portrayed by the handsome Lee Dong Wook. His character is just this strange, not at all tech-savvy man with a constant deadpan facial expression. Said facial expression provokes so many giggles during funny moments, and drives home the longing and desperation during sad times. We learn quite a ways in that he, in his previous life (again, just in case: spoiler), was Wang Yeo G A S P ! The young king that is essentially responsible for Shin's death, as well as all the misdeeds that were done to Shin's family. Again, this is something I don't want to spoil. Well, more, anyway 😆 You gotta see it!

Yoo In Na as Kim Sun/Sunny

Kim Sun, or simply, Sunny (she loves to spell her name for people lol, S-U-N-N-Y!) is the second female lead. Yoo In Na is so gorgeous that one look at her makes you feel like such a potato hahhah. 🥔 This fact about her beauty bleeds over into the show itself—every time another character meets Sunny, the camera does this slow motion pan into her lmao. She really is that pretty! Sunny's personality comes across so odd at first... Having watched all of the episodes now, I feel the intention of Goblin's creators was to make her seem like a soul searching for something it has lost in a previous life. idk if that makes sense, but yeah. She has this way about her, like she's disconnected from others, and is sifting through the haziness to find this thing she feels she's lost.

Yook Sungjae (my BtoB bias 😍) as Yoo Deok Hwa

Sungjaeeee ahhhh 💘💘💘 I had to gush, sorry! Hehe. Meet Deok Hwa: unofficial nephew of Shin. Deok Hwa is a third-generation chaebol (heir to a family-owned corporation) and spoiled man-child, always seeking his credit card hahaha 🤣 But I love him so much. Between Gong Yoo, Lee Dong Wook, and BtoB Sungjae? Man, I'm dying over here! Deok Hwa's true identity is revealed later in the show, which if you haven't seen it yet, I won't spoil it. Just watch. But his ending sucked. Like where did he go? Everyone else's endings got tied up neatly except for his. What gives, man? 🤔 Edit: I was actually reading an online conversation about what happened to Deok Hwa online—someone jokingly said he was reincarnated as BtoB Sungjae LOL 💯

Other various comments

AMAZING OST 😍😍😍

Good pace, episodes drag at times. A little confusing in the beginning, but you get there eventually. Maybe this is just me though, viewers who are a little more keen than I will likely catch on sooner ;) My mom was a little confused as well, and actually said at one point, "This should be called the 'what-the-hell-is-going-on' show," hahaha. Like I said though, we quickly moved on from this, and loved all the things. There are actually, I think, three (?) specials that were made to aid viewers in making sure they understand the complex events and relationships clearly. I haven't watched them yet, but want to!

Quite repetitive tbh, as there are unnecessary flashbacks often. Probably for two reasons: the obvious of reminding you what's what, but also to create suspense. Typical duration of most tvN dramas seems to be about 16 episodes, so it's possible these flashbacks and things are, for lack of a better word, filler. I don't know how rigid or lax tvN is about having a drama set at 16 eps, but I get the idea this is their preference. Seeing as so many of their programs on average last that long, I feel this must be what they want. Such has the potential to affect the writing, either positively or negatively.

A continuation of the previous bullet: I think Goblin's creators oversimplified the plot at times. I'm unsure if this is due to possible pressures to meet a specific requirement(s), or what. I'd rather forgo ALL restrictions and let creativity flow, let the story be told without pressure to fill a specific amount of time, etc. but TV production is weird. And contracts are weird. tvN might not to blame for these issues, could simply be that storytelling isn't always easy, man. I'm a writer myself, it's hard! I'M being redundant now lmfao! Anyway, yeah ~

Absolutely LOVED all the scenes that were filmed on location in beautiful Québec City, Canada 🍁 Tall, romantic trees, the fall foliage, historic buildings... sigh. Now all I need is Gong Yoo chasing me and we're all set! ;D

In addition to Shin being revived, my crush on Gong Yoo has been revived as well LOL. He fine 🔥 A classic K drama crush, can't go wrong with GY👌

Gong Yoo is always stellar at doing kiseu (kiss) scenes, and in Goblin, he does not disappoint. He really goes at it 🙈 which is preferred vs. the typical person kissing a stone statue that you see so often. He even did a lift kiss with Kim Go Eun that was reminiscent of THEE Coffee Prince kiss he did with actress Yoon Eun Hye! 😍

I never saw it coming, how the sword would wind up being removed from Shin's chest. I worried what the writers were going to do, how would they approach this, and just wow. The way things turned out is such a relief. It also told me that Shin's love for Eun Tak is true. I mean, I didn't need that scene to occur for me to know that, rather it just adds extra oomph that yes, Shin really does love Eun Tak. He didn't want her to suffer knowing she was responsible for his "death," so he thought quick and used her hands WITH his hands asdfghjkl. How dumb (bc noooo now you're gonna die) and amazing he is at the same time 💜

I love how Shin made his way back to Eun Tak after passing away, it was such a powerful scene. I could really feel his struggle, and kept yelling at my TV for him to stand up lol!

Devastated that Eun Tak died 😭 I really thought as many times as she'd cheated death before, she would somehow continue cheating death again and again for the rest of her days. But no... What a selfless person, Ji Eun Tak. Her being reincarnated as Park So Min gave me some closure. Not the closure I wanted, but closure.

The relationship between Shin and Reaper is ADORABLE. Whenever they interact with each other, they just have this great dialogue. Shin pings, Reaper pongs, Reaper pings, Shin pongs. It's great 😄 I still laugh about the slow-mo scene of them returning from the market with green onions HAHAHA 😂

I love Sunny & Reaper ~ However, their history as Kim Sun & Wang Yeo in their past lives is so very sad. I don't even know where to start RE: my feelings on this 💔 imo, their ending kinda sucked. I just wasn't satisfied with them having had this complicated, tragic story, only to be reincarnated in this fashion that I ultimately found to be just... idk, disappointing 😩 Again, closure, but not the closure I wanted.

I thought Reaper, the other grim reapers, the name cards, the depiction of what happens immediately following death with the brewing of the tea, the afterlife, etc. was all very creative. We really don't know what awaits us when our time comes—it's interesting to wonder if it's anything like it is in Goblin 🍵

Can't stop thinking about Goblin, even though I'm now watching Thirty but Seventeen & Mr. Sunshine! I'm emotionally cheating lol halp.

Photo credits: tvN & AsianWiki

Yo yo! I'm sorry I took so long to watch + write up this review! It's been a long couple of weeks for me, I wasn't always able to watch when I wanted. It was maddening 😆 But I have finally watched, and feel like the most accomplished person on the planet hahaha. xoxo 💜

[scripturienss]

Deuces

Disclaimer: Digimon does not belong to me and neither do the X-Men. Might be completely ooc from the superheroes you may know and expect.

Title: Deuces on FF.net. Rating: G Genre: Drama/Romance Prompt: Superheroes AU Word Count: 2,202

I don't gamble but if I did, I would bet on us.

"Dead Sea", The Lumineers

The first time they meet, a bomb sets off to her right, nearly deafening her.

The first time they meet, a bomb sets off to her right, nearly deafening her.

"Out of the way!"

It's a full-blown battle and her teammates are running, flying around her and tearing the city to the ground. She grabs hold of the first non-friend near her; there is a flash of light, so many images, so much anger and passion, and so much cold. Then there is nothing. She stands, eyes glowing white and creates a snowstorm around them that steals the air from everyone's lungs, all warmth gone from their limbs. Sora joins in and together, they manage to subdue the chaos around them just long enough to draw back.

The professor says it's important to know when to pull back from a battle already won, but Mimi resents not being able to finish it once and for all. They don't deserve this momentary peace.

.

.

Sora doesn't like anything about him. From the way he walks, too quietly, always brooding, to the way he talks in that low, sweet voice and how his French slips in every now and then. Mimi watches him from a safe distance in the library while he sits under her favourite oak tree, seemingly harmless. From here, he looks just like any other guy in the academy, he could be anyone and do anything. Perhaps, from here, he isn't the assassin she knows him to be though that possibility doesn't stop her from being angry, too.

The object of her current irritation enters the room and Mimi doesn't turn around when he asks, "Are you going to keep ignoring me?"

She can hear the anger in the way he's breathing so heavily through his nostrils. The thought brings her immense pleasure.

"Mimi, he's a friend."

"He tried to kill us," she tells him, fixing him with a stare. "Nearly damn succeeded, too."

Ryo frowns and she can almost believe him to be flustered. The years and scars have hardened his face and he hasn't shaved in a while. Sometimes she wonders how she could ever find him attractive but then, there are so few men that don't run away when met with her...

"He's not a bad guy," is the only thing he says. Mimi stands quietly and slips by him, half-waiting for him to flinch away from her touch. He doesn't, but then again, she doesn't touch him either.

.

.

"I have the strangest feeling you don't like me much."

"I didn't know you were telepathic, too. Mimi, did you know?"

Mimi glances uneasily at Sora, frowning. She's usually much nicer, the sweetest person Mimi has ever met but old habits die hard and this guy had a very good shot at blowing Sora's boyfriend to bits and pieces. You don't forget a thing like that so easily, no matter whose side you say you're on.

"I'm sorry," he says, sneering. "You weren't giving me much of a choice, you know."

"I'm going to find Taichi. You're staying?"

Mimi looks alarmed. "I'll be there in a minute." Sora leaves without another word and Mimi sighs. "She'll come around," she offers, despite not entirely believing her own words. "You did shoot at him."

He considers her for a moment and Mimi struggles not to break eye contact. He's handsome, not like Taichi, who is rugged and a bit rough; his features are delicate, would be almost too pretty if it weren't for the scars and the eerie, unnatural blue of his eyes. Mimi thinks it must be hard, having people always avert your eyes.

"What about you?"

She pouts. It's not his fault, she thinks, that Ryo thought it was a good idea to bring him in. His instincts are almost always right, even if the way he handles things is completely wrong. "I'm angrier at someone else at the moment, so you're good."

.

.

"So what's your power?" he asks, settling on the grass near her. He eyes her carefully, from her closed toe shoes to the pants and long sleeves, the gloves she's begun to put on the moment he approached her. "Hypersensitivity to the sunlight?"

"I'm—," she pauses, taking a small breath. He's toying with a playing card between his fingers, doing all sorts of ridiculous little tricks; it's the queen of hearts. Mimi smiles ruefully. "I'm a thief."

Gambit—that's what he calls himself these days—stops twirling the card and looks at her, smiling and she's sure she has never seen him smile before. He throws the card with scary precision into the sky and it blows up in tiny pieces, the cardboard falling around them like dry snow. "That's funny," he says, though he isn't smiling anymore. "So am I."

.

.

During the next few months, they spend a lot more time together. They train and eat together and sometimes he helps her study. Most of the time he's off on his own while Mimi attends her lessons and then he shows her a few nifty little tricks he's been working on. Sora doesn't hate him anymore and though Taichi still grumbles every now and then, she's sure he likes him more than he lets on. It's hard not to. He's quiet and polite, charming when he wants to be, clever even without trying. The professor values his input and experience and much of their success can be owed to the things he has brought and taught them.

The word 'mercenary' lingers in the air, still too raw to forget. Mimi tries not to think too much about it but sometimes she wonders, too, what kind of story he drags behind.

"Why do they call you Rogue?"

The light in the greenhouse casts a strange look on him, like a wraith or some other dream-demon of old.

"I ran away from home, left this place a couple of times," she sticks her tongue out at him. "I guess, there aren't many other things you could call me."

"I could think of a few," he says, and it's so rare to see him joke, Mimi doesn't know how to respond. So she tosses her hair over her shoulder and gives him a nonchalant shrug.

"Why'd they call you Gambit?"

"It's a trick move," he answers, tilting the waterpot into the cacti she's been looking after. "And an unfortunate nickname."

.

.

A new group of students arrives late that autumn, and Mimi greets them as happily as she can. Some of them are orphans, others are runaways, like her. A few were sent in by understanding parents who figure out it's better for them to be with their kind. These are always the most miserable kids. She does her best to help them adjust to life at the institute, figure out the rules and generally keep out of harm's way. At the end of the day, despite their powers, they're still mostly children and are sometimes treated as such.

Because she's kind and rather beautiful, every now and then some boy who thinks he's too clever will try to make a pass at her. Mimi brushes them all off easily, light-heartedly; none must come to harm. But every once in a while someone will grow too bold and won't pay heed to the warnings. Accidents have happened before, it's how the rumors started.

"Hey, Rogue, check it out!"

It all happens so fast. The kid reaches out and holds fast to her wrist and suddenly Mimi's entire body is on fire. Someone screams and it takes a moment for her to realise it's her, she's screaming and Takuya is on the floor and she can see the whites in his eyes. She's so sorry but she can't stay, not here, not with him looking all but dead while flames melt down her limbs.

"Move!" she bellows and she runs, fast, away and out into the woods that surround the property. She can see flashes of his life, his family, the scent of baking bread mixes unpleasantly with the smell of charred hair, clothes and skin. Mimi stops, doubles over and throws up until her stomach is empty.

.

.

He finds her sitting on a rock, near the small pond on the eastern field of the property.

"They were all looking for you."

"How is he?"

He scratches his jaw, solemn. "A bit dazed, but he'll live. I think he's mostly embarrassed though."

"I didn't mean to do it," she murmurs, hiding her face in her arms. "He caught me off guard, I couldn't—,"

"He shouldn't have touched you," he says, so fiercely that Mimi looks up and nearly misses his expression, fogged as her eyes are. He seems to notice and runs a hand through his hair; when he turns to her all traces of it are gone and he's smiling good-naturedly. "You really are something, aren't you, chére?"

.

.

They hadn't been expecting it. One moment they were together, having dinner and the next their intercoms were buzzing and the Blackbird was loaded and ready to go. Mimi hesitates briefly but Taichi (sweet Taichi) holds on to her hand and tugs on it. "We're a team," he says, then smiles that half-smile that irritates her so much. "And you're coming with us."

They drop down on ground zero and the fight that ensues is exhausting, both terrifying and exhilarating. She's never had free range with her powers before but this time she doesn't have time to think, to plan; she takes what she needs and gives them what they deserve. She's fought Magneto before, she's not afraid to do it again and the multiple explosions that seem to follow (but never touch her) are all the reassurance she needs.

Smoke chokes her lungs and she dives away from the blast, covering her face with her arms. He's gliding towards her, so close that she can touch him so she does, she dives for him and clutches his face, there's a huge blast behind her and the rest is all dark.

.

.

His eyes are the first thing she sees when she awakes. His face, usually composed, is a mess of dirt and sweat. There's blood trickling from his left brow and his eye is completely shut. He's devastating nonetheless and she's never been happier to see him.

"Rogue?" His voice is hoarse, like he's been screaming. She's drifting back into unconsciousness and desperate, he kisses her. She gasps and falls into his outstretched arms.

Things are never the same between them again.

.

.

"You could've died," she says bitterly, sitting in the hospital ward. The harsh bright lights make him look sickly pale and this makes her heart shrink. Because she's absorbed Ryo's powers on more than one occassion, Mimi heals rather fast and is already looking a lot like her former self. He's not as lucky, still a bit mangled and wearing an eye-patch over his left eye. The other one shines as startlingly blue as the first time they met.

"But I didn't," he sighs. "I thought you'd be happier about it."

"You shouldn't have!"

"You were on the ground—!"

"I don't mean the bomb," her voice has gone uncharacteristically quiet and he hesitates only a moment before moving, carefully, to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. The usual rose gold of her hair is framed by locks of silver, brighter than ever before. She flinches a little and her eyes fill with tears.

"I don't regret it. I would only hope you don't, either."

.

.

It feels so good to be touched again. His fingers (gloved, almost always gloved), lightly brush her cheeks and Mimi leans in to his touch. He bends down to place his lips on her shoulder; the kiss lingers soft and sweet and she shudders underneath his touch. They lay together like this, with him resting on her breast and tracing circles on her skin. She sighs, curling into him and placing her hand on his hair, kissing the backs of her fingers.

The psyonic imprint of his mind lingers somewhere in the back of hers, a cruel reminder of a moment that was stolen from them. He's louder than others, trembling with the sort of intensity that threatens to be overwhelming.

"What else did you see?"

"Your house, friends you have lost. The family you grew up with." She's crying again. "I'm sorry."

He rolls over to lay beside her, taking a deep breath and looking up into the ceiling. When he turns, both eyes are focused on her. "Call me by my name."

So she smiles, breathless, and he kisses her open palm. "Okay, Yamato."

.

.

"I want to kiss you."

A breathless laugh escapes her, ending in a sob that shakes her to her core. "I thought I had lost you."

"You could never lose me, chére. I couldn't bear it."

This time she does laugh and it's almost infectious, like something from his childhood he thought he had lost. His lips curl against the cloth that covers her neck and he kisses her pulse. If this moment is all they'll have, then—

"You're a prince, Ishida Yamato."

"Prince of thieves. Let's steal one more from Fate, hm?"

Notes: Part two of #digiOTPweek2k17 and a couple of observations.

1. I was already halfway done when someone pointed out this could've worked with Yamato as Rogue and Mimi as Gambit. I was tempted but upon the rewrite, I realised there were a few traits I wanted to keep and decided not to do it. I may or may not regret this decision.

2. In chess, a 'gambit' is an opening where you move a pawn that requires a sacrifice.

3. I regret so much about this piece but didn't want to miss out on the superhero fun! I'm trash.

4. The last lines are are from an actual panel from the comics and were originally what inspired me to write about them.

[lunchtimerushin]

hi! sorry if this is random or if it's a sensitive thing, but do you no longer ship aoka? id on't know if you already explained it somewhere already and i understand it was because of the reposters. i guess i just feel a bit sad since you have always been my favorite aoka artist... but you like something else now and draw more of that than aoka. i'm really sorry, i am glad that you are happy, just a little sad you have left us ..but! i understand you put priority in your own interests.

Hi!! Don’t worry about it; it’s just a slight sore spot but it has more to do with something personal than the community or the pairing itself. I’m really honored to hear that aaa;;

I’m sorry if I disappointed you; it wasn’t my intention. T__T;; Err, in a way to explain myself: when it comes to shipping, I become attracted to pairings that reflect what I’m seeking at the moment. When I was in aoka, it was that desire for companionship but friendly competition. But now, my situation has become a lot more stressful, so I find comfort in the niji/aka dynamic now. _(:3

tldr: I’m sorry if I disappointed you; I still love aoka but I’m a tunnel-vision artist; I’d be really honored if you keep on following and supporting me, but I understand if you don’t. ^0^!! Do what makes you happy! //claps

So…yeah, I got some asks like this here and there wanting to know the full-full story, so I guess I’ll just c/p what I told someone else. I mean it’s not really exciting just dramaaaaaaalallama.

“what did you mean when you said you were in a weird place with ao-kaga?”

It’s a complicated subject since it has been a few years, but I’ll do my best to simplify it! It mostly had to do with the community less than it had to do with the pair themselves!

To start, I always had trouble integrating with tumblr fandoms. I had always drawn in small communities so it was overwhelming when suddenly a lot of eyes turned on me. ^_T!! I wasn’t used to getting more than 20 notes on my art, and then I was left with things in its hundreds.

That is to say, my ego was fed and grew too big. I became stubborn about certain things (like topping preferences and character portrayals; tho now I’ve become more flexible w/ it*) and I had bad encounters with several people from the fandom. (Both parties were at fault haha;; Though objectively looking at it, it was more because of my big head;; orz)

I also felt that because of my past actions, and not to mention several family tragedies caused me to be on the edge more than usual, the rift b/w me and the community has grown farther.

The people who I used to fangirl about aoka with eventually left; some of them started being aggressive and unhealthily competitive with me (in terms of art);; There were huge misunderstandings, yada yada, yeah.;

so…^_T I guess those bad experiences made it hard for me to integrate into another aoka circle. And there was only so much I could have drawn on my own;. Since I sort of lose that close circle of friends and feedback, I drifted I guess. (coughs at tsubasa.)

I don’t regret aoka! I loved it so much; it was just unfortunate I wasn’t able to mesh well into the fandom because of my immaturity and some other unfortunate incidences. ;v;“” I think I will always be passionate about them, but aah, I think for now a break is in order. But, honestly, it’s really easy for me to fall in love with them again.

Here’s something of a secret, I was going through my aoka doujinshi collection with the intent on selling them off. After reading several I got sucked back in lol, and I couldn’t bear to sell away my beloved doujinshis. (I also still collect several artists’ works.) I always wander, but there’s always a 70% chance I’d be coming back ww.

and yea, reiterating with the ships and what I’m attracted to; I like this new ship bc I see myself in Akashi; so many expectations shoved on me, reprieve is really nice in those cases. orz;;;

Yeah;; just don’t mind me skjfh;; I really just do what I like orz… even I can’t predict myself…

But I really appreciate everyone’s patience with me.;; _(:3 

I’ve been trying to grow as a better person, but sometimes my life situation just really affects my fandom interactions. and it’s just been really stressful lately orz;; so I’m sorry if I’m not as open or talkative or very prickly as of late….;;;; 

EDIT:*: someone asked me to clarify what I meant by: “like topping preferences and character portrayals; tho now I’ve become more flexible w/ it“

I guess I should've made it clear that I mostly meant fanfics when I said that. I just didn't read what I didn't like. While I'm chill with people who liked aoka as a switchship or as a ka/ao, I just didn't read the fics. I started aoka with pixiv comics, so when I journeyed into fics for a while, I backed out of it quickly when I didn't agree with the characterization. It was mostly me not reading people's stuff. (Which, for some reason, someone called me out on it and said that I was a hypocrite?? for writing fics but not reading other people's stuff.) I guess you can call me a hypocrite or someone who was too proud I guess.... _(:3;; I just kind of saw how it wasn’t my cuppa;