#I'm sorry I just got mildly hurt from that statement

[bear-cubs-art-things]

yall I got straight up roasted by sax players

I mean, I get that 2nd Chair Jazz Enthusiast is a WONDERFUL musician, but that freshman yall like?? Bro he can't play shit for the life of him omg his tone is all over the place I BET YOU HES NOT EVEN PLAYING HALF THE TIME.

The best part was the "no offense :)"

BRUH IM GONNA TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT.

[teeth--thief]

I'm becoming quite interested in Chernobyl myself. Your Drive folder will be read with much adoration and appreciation. If you want an excuse to infodump, or otherwise tell a (likely less educated) person about Chernobyl, please take this as such. I would love to learn more, even if simply anecdotally. I'm sure it will spur research of my own. Apologies for stilted English.

Hi hi hello!! First of all: I'm so glad you're enjoying my Google Drive! It's being compiled with a lot of love and care, I'm very happy it'll be of use to you ♡

If you ever have any questions about specific things related to Chernobyl - don't be afraid to ask! If I don't know something already, I'll make sure to educate myself and get back to you ☆

I would LOVE to use this opportunity to tell you all about my favourite operator but I'm not going to - not unless I'll get asked about him specifically (Lyonya Toptunov did nothing wrong in his life, ever - source: me. Not even the "punching his tutor in college" bit. And that's because it's not even true. He's my special boy, case closed). I am mostly interested in the human side of things though, and will always look at things from that angle. But let's go with something more useful and interesting for most and let's keep it short and sweet today:

1. Which few books in my folder are the most important/best and which you should be careful to believe! Not every book I have in there is a good book. But every book is a Chernobyl book.

2. A little (speculative) something about the area surrounding the ChNPP

Must reads:

INSAG-7 - while it contains some mistakes, certainly less than INSAG-1, it's THE thing to read if you want to learn about the technical stuff.

How It Was - Dyatlov A.S. - but but but Hunter 🥺 wasn't Dyatlov The Big Bad? No. I'm sorry that the HBO's show and Medvedev's book hurt you in this way. I can get more into Dyatlov if anyone's interested but all in all, it's a solid book.

Chernobyl: A Documentary Story - Shcherbak I. - the most important stuff? Not in the English version. The translation is missing hundreds of pages of absolutely crucial witness statements... best course of action if you don't know Russian? Look up words/names in the original regarding things that interest you and throw them into Google Translate. It's unfortunate, I know, but it's better than nothing.

Midnight in Chernobyl - Higginbotham A. - everyone's favourite. Contains some mistakes - don't trust the technical parts, cites Medvedev (cardinal sin) but overall makes a great case for humanising the workers.

Be wary when reading these:

Chernobyl Notebook (aka The Truth about Chernobyl) - Medvedev G. - nobody from the nuclear field respects this dude. IIRC he got fired after working for a few months in ChNPP before it even started operation but went around claiming he was a worker at the plant. Go figure. Just makes up stuff. Doesn't have the technical knowledge to make half the claims he makes. Follows the (false) official government narrative (hmmmm I WONDER WHY).

Voices from Chernobyl - Alexievich S - too busy chasing her own biases to care about the people she interviewed, claiming they said things they never did or forcing their stories to fit her narrative. Yes, I know, everyone LOVES this one but it's really not that good.

Manual for Survival - Kate Brown - it's a good read, albeit the author takes a pretty anti-nuclear stance, repeating various myths about the nuclear power and radiation overall, seemingly for the purpose of fear mongering.

There are so so many more books worth recommending but I wanted to mention the most popular and important ones.

According to Kate Brown and her book "Manual for Survival", the area of Prypiat Marshes and wetlands was already mildly radioactive before the nuclear power plant wad even built. Apparently "the Soviet army tested strategic nuclear weapons, the small battlefield variety, in the Pripyat bombing range" which meant that radiactive isotopes where already present in the atmosphere, long before the disaster struck Pripyat.

While her evidence and sources for that are shakey, at best (I'm not a fan of the he said, they said stuff - show me a signed document and I'll believe you), it would certainly be awfully convenient to built a NPP close enough to the slightly radiated areas and call it a day. You could always say it was the plant that caused the unusual radiation spike and definitely not the tests they ran there years before the power plant was even in the building stage... but alas. It might not even be true, I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere else, if I remember correctly.

A third fun fact I'll throw in for free - I'm currently in the process of making a Chernobyl inspired shirt =D Maybe I'll show you guys, who knows...

[yzkhr]

Third installment of the Love Language Miniseries

It might be OOC so please bear with me

Dedicated to the one who gave me this wonderful yet painful series idea @meitanteisachi!

-

Words of Affirmation- You get a thrill from receiving compliments and unexpected praise. You like it when others say they care about you or appreciate having you in their lives. You love feeling understood and receiving recognition for a job well done.

Shinichi trusts Ran a lot. But having a recent 'misunderstanding' along with being busy with his detective work and texting an apology yet receiving a slur of misspelled sentences with only the words 'Sonoko' and the name of a specific bar being decipherable, he can't help but worry and overthink.

(The name 'Kazuha' was readable as well and it did lessen his panic, but the reassurance he felt was nothing compared to Sonoko and her constant tricks that worsened when they became adults.)

Reaching the said bar on Rans' text message, he rushes inside and immediately dislikes the smell of mixed alcohols and smoke everywhere. Face indifferent, he passes through the dancing crowd and went straight to where he deduces his girlfriend to be.

Knowing Ran, she's not someone to go wild in such a tight place, nor does she appreciate the smell of cigarettes all over the dance floor. She would be somewhere comfortable and quiet enough to converse with Sonoko and Kazuha. Shinichi can't think of a better spot than the bartenders' counter.

And he was right.

There she was, in the middle of a familiar drinking blonde on her left and a brown haired woman on her right, reclined in her stool and mouthing words to her left side. Despite her back being the only thing he can see from where he's standing, he recognized it in an instant, having been familiar from the sight since childhood (her iconic hairstyle also helped).

Walking a little closer to be heard and putting his hands into his pockets, he calls out. "Ran."

The girls, save from the gulping heiress who ignores him, turns around and express the same visage upon seeing him. Rans' expression instantly change however, as her wide eyes and agape mouth closes and curls up into a smile.

"Shinichi!"

She stands up from her seat and walks over to him in an odd unbalanced manner. On a closer inspection, Shinichi noticed how her cheeks flushed a rather more healthy red than normal.

Raising an eyebrow, he opens his mouth to scold but his prepared reprimands die on his throat as Ran hugs him instead of just standing in front of him, her slender hands wrapped around his neck slowly, her feet tiptoeing as she concluded she wasn't tall enough to reach Shinichis' height.

He instinctively backs away from the unexpected warmth and weight, flustered and confused. Ran didn't even gave him the time to recover, leaning her head into the crook of his neck and sniffing it as he felt her sigh, successfully making his mind blank.

"You smell nice." she whispers, letting out a giggle as if entertained at her out of nowhere compliment while he stands there, frozen and left with no words to respond. Even after five years of being together, her effect on him stays consistent and powerful, similar to their first meeting.

Fortunately, he was brought out of his reverie by a familiar—not in a good way— smell of rum mixed into her natural sweet odor. From that, everything clicked. Her red face, wobbly walking and unexpected behavior finally made sense to him.

"You're drunk." he deduces as he looks down at his girlfriend who avoided eye contact by looking sideways and pouting, confirming her guilty.

"Sorry Kudo-kun," he redirects his gaze at the source of the voice, finding an apologetic Tooyama Kazuha. " We're the ones that invited her here and as you can see," her eyes went to Ran briefly before going back to him and continues sheepishly, "We kinda got carried away."

He expected the answer. After all, Ran rarely drinks, much less get drunk. She'd only really go all out when there's an important celebration or a really big problem, like a certain misunderstanding that may or may have not happened between the two of them.

"It's fine." he acquits as his eyes looks at anywhere but Kazuhas' green ones, unsure of how to ask. "Umm, did Ran told you anything concerning? Like if there's a huge problem or something?"

The Osakan woman's eyes widened and suspiciously travelled to Ran as if asking for permission, who in return tightened her grip around his neck to bring him down a little. Kazuha now seems to have an answer, glancing back at him.

"Nope, Ran-chan said nothing like that at all." with the way she puts up a tight lipped smile, it was obvious she was lying. "Besides, if there is an issue like that, why don't you ask her? I'm sure she'd tell you."

He wants to disagree, being aware of Rans' nature to he very considerate that she might dismiss the topic. But Shinichi really isn't fond of the idea of pressuring his bestfriends' girlfriend, so he didn't say anything. Besides, Kazuha was right, if there was anyone to ask about what is wrong, it would be his girlfriend.

"Yeah, you're right." he laughs and attempts to change the topic, not wanting to make the atmosphere awkward. "Anyways, it's pretty late. Want me to take you guys home?"

The brunette shakes her head and looks from behind. Shinichi follows her gaze, only to find Sonoko still on the counter and talking to someone on the phone. Her voice is so loud that it can mildly be heard from where they're standing.

"No thanks, it seems Sonoko-chan is already calling Makoto-kun to pick her up."

"It seems so," he now looks back to her. "How about you?"

"No need," she pulls out her phone, showing him her private chat with Hattori. "The ahou already texted he's on his way."

"And besides," Kazuha sends him a teasing look and an amused smile. "Even if we didn't have our boyfriends picking us up, you'll still get your hands full."

As if on cue, Shinichi was reminded of his girlfriend who's still clinging on to him, her constant breathing on his ear enough to make him go red, as if he's the one intoxicated.

He silently agrees to Kazuhas' statement.

-

Ran insists on walking home instead of getting a taxi. He protested but after being presented with the same adorable pleading look she always used on him back when he was Conan;wide eyes, pouty lips, and blushing cheeks, he was really left with no choice.

Now, they tread across the empty streets of Beika with the moon illuminating the area, Shinichi makes sure that his girlfriend doesn't trip from her quivering steps, choosing to carry her on his back, her arms hanging loosely around his neck while his hand secured on her thighs, assuring of no fall. The night serves peaceful, accompanied by a comfortable silence.

Until he decided to break it.

"Hey Ran--" he starts, wanting to ask her about the 'problem' he wasn't sure they're having, but was cut off by her instead.

"Ne, Shinichi?" her voice is a bit slurred but with his proximity, he heard it just fine. She seemed to have timed it when he decided to speak, deliberately avoid the questioning from him, concluding that something is wrong. He wanted to ignore her distraction and push further, but with Rans' current condition, he gives up and lets her get away.

"Hmm?"

"Did it hurt?" he stops walking in confusion at such a sudden question, prompting him to face her as she wears an innocent smile.

"What hurt?" he asks, not getting the point. It took him a few seconds to catch on to what her 'innocent smile' and question means, and he isn't exactly happy at the conclusion he got.

"Please no," he exclaims as she looks at him expectantly, really wanting to continue. he complains. "Isn't this supposed to be the other way around?"

A glare is all it took for him to know she's not giving up. However, Shinichi isn't going to comply so easily either.

"Let me guess, when I fell from heaven?" he teases her, ahead of the supposed pick up line she's about to say.

Instead of being angry however, Rans' smile widens more than before, not looking as innocent. "No."

Eyebrows furrowing in confusion he asks, "What?"

"When you fell for me."

He stares in disbelief. He had never expected such a cheesy pick up line to be even more cheesier than it already is and it honestly impresses him(in a bad way). Meanwhile, Ran looks way too proud of herself, a huge grin plastered on her face.

"Okay, you win." he states rather dejectedly and continues walking, wishing his surrender to be the end of her drunk flirting.

If he were to be completely honest, Shinichi somewhat expected Ran to do something crazy and uncharacteristic, since it isn't the first time for her to be this intoxicated. The last time, she sang random songs with the most intangible lyrics he had ever heard, her drunk singing voice comparable to his normal one. This time it's the same, only now it's sappy pick up lines instead of crappy lyrics( he isn't sure which one is worse).

"Shinichi," she starts again, and it was cue for Shinichi to pick up his pace to get home faster, and he did. But Ran is stubborn. She calls his name on repeat way too many times, that he has to stop and finally decides to listen.

"Alright, let's hear it and quickly take you home to your apartment because I'm already tired of this." he yields, defeated and weary. On the other hand, Rans' expression is the complete opposite, too cheerful and energetic like neon lights on a dark room.

"You know why you're tired?"

"Yeah because of your pick up--"

"Because you've been running through my mind all day long." she breaks into a laugh as he stops functioning, wondering how his girlfriend can be so witty and stupid at the same time whenever she drinks a lot more than usual.

He ponders if Kaito has something to do it. After all, there is no one better and worse at flirting with words than he is. Rans' are tolerable but maybe it's because he loves her so much that he does appreciate them, but they're still pretty bad.

He deadpans at her still cackling form just to express his emotions. "You know, other people will call you an idiot if they know you're doing this."

She pauses, her turn to be confused. "Just other people? What will you call me then?"

"My idiot who's doing this."

Her reaction is instantaneous. Her face blossomed a shade of crimson as she coughs, too taken aback while he tilts inwards, smirking at having to get back at her antics.

"That's not fair!" she whines, throwing daggers at him as she cough a little more.

"You started it." he yawns, the night catching on to him.

He really thought it was the end of it, but Ran always proves him wrong as she started once again. "Yeah, being good looking must be sooo tiring."

He really is impressed at how her mind can processed a mundane action and turn into a bad and cheesy pick up line. But he didn't become friends with the worst flirt in the world for nothing. Clearly not accepting defeat, he decides to play along. "Then you must be exhausted."

Her face turns into a blushing mess either from embarrassment or frustration or maybe even from both.

"Shinichi!"

And that's what they did until they got home. He truly was worried that there was something bothering Ran, but from the way she conversed and flirted with him(even though he's sure it's the alcohol talking), he was confident that if there was a problem, it isn't as bad as he expects it to be.

-

After an hour of throwing trashy jokes at each other, they finally made it to her apartment. He grabs the key he got from her earlier and opens the door, going straight to the sofa to put down his girlfriend.

Ran looks tired, eyes constantly blinking as she takes off her shoes, slower than it's supposed to be. She flops down on the couch, ready to doze off. Making sure she won't fall off, he strides into the kitchen to get some water.

Going back in the living room with a glass, he now finds her sitting instead of her laid down position a minute ago. She's dazed, eyes dead set on the table across as her brows intensely furrow as if trying to figure something out.

"Here you go," he sits down beside her, offering the water. He watches her drink it languidly, attentive to her every move. After finishing and putting it back on the table with a thud, Ran stands up, a hand on her throat.

"What's wrong?" he asks as the panic becomes visible on her visage, eyes roaming everywhere.

"I think I'm gonna throw up," as if on signal, she makes a strained sound while Shinichi rushes her inside the bathroom, certain that Ran won't appreciate walking into her living room with vomit all around it.

Upon reaching the toilet, Shinichi lets her bend over it and finally lets out everything she ate and drank that day as he soothes her back, stroking it back and forth. He also holds her hair up just make sure it doesn't get in the way.

"Are you okay?" he tilts his head in confusion as she turns around now done with her task, eyes watering slightly.

"I'm hungry." he sighs, having predicted it. He isn't the best at cooking, but letting his girl cook for herself while still being a bit visually impaired and losing her self balance every now and then sounds like the worst decision he can make in this situation.

"Fine. I'll make you something." hearing such words, Ran wipes her tears and beams at him. He leads her out of the restroom, leaving her on the couch and heading to the kitchen to cook at least a soup just to quench her hunger.

A few minutes passed and he comes back to a yawning Ran, with a hot and steamy soup laying in his hands. She offers him a drowsy smile, and he gives a knowing one in return.

"Here," he places the bowl on the table in front her and Ran takes it leisurely. She takes a chunk of food and blows at it, in the hopes of lessening the heat. Satisfied, she puts it on her mouth and makes a noise, glancing at him.

"It tastes good!" he chuckles and shakes his head in disapproval. "Thanks but, I'm pretty sure it only taste like that because you're drunk."

He leans in the wall as he watches her consume the soup with gusto, making his heart swell. When Ran finally eats half of it, he speaks out.

"Seriously, what made you drink so much like that?" despite the high chance that she won't answer, he still gives it a try.

After hearing no response, the detective sighs and looks away, deciding to let it slide and thinks that he'll just try again tomorrow.

But it looks like that he doesn't have to.

"It's Shinichi's fault." she said it so casually and quietly, but it didn't get pass his ears. Shock at the fact that she replied and at the specific retort, he looks back and stares at her.

"Eh?"

"It was Sonoko's little dare," she finishes the rest of the food without care and continues, "She told me how you're always so indifferent and said to make you blush or whatever. But, you you were so busy with the case that I didn't even had the chance and just gave up."

He was left dumbfounded. The events three days ago went back to him in a flash. All of Ran's little glances, her stuttering words, and even her hold on him before he left after taking her home finally made sense.

'That Sonoko!' he twitches his eyebrow in annoyance. He really should've seen that coming. If there was anyone this world who could think such an idea, it would be none other than their childhood friend.

He attempts to talk, but she beats him to it.

"But, now that I think about it, I really dont mind Shinichi being busy like that," she's now looking at him, a smile plastered on her blushing face, sign of still being under the influence of the alcohol. "After all, I really love Shinichi's face whenever he solves a case. Shinichi's eyes always lights up, like it's alive and burning. As if seeing a world no one else knows."

"Whenever Shinichi solves a case, he helps a lot of people. And it's amazing to know, that tons of people are alive right now—because of Shinichi." she rambles on, calling his name too many times as if she's only talking to herself, like he isn't standing right there at all to listen.

Her voice, despite being slurred holds honesty in them that didn't make the current condition of his heart any better as he's hearing her compliment him.

"I guess that just means, that I really love Shinichi." she laughs at her own words, finding such a revelation amusing.

Meanwhile, Shinichi stands there having only two things in his mind; that Ran is really drunk, and that he's just glad the dare is over. Because if it wasn't, with the way he feels his face burning right now, he was sure Ran would've absolutely won it.

[malexmalereader]

Jesse McCree x Male!Reader - Confess it, else I'll take it to my grave

A/N: it's here. Part 2 to a oneshot written quite some time ago, requested by @madeofunicorns111813 - sorry it took so long - I also took some liberties with the request, hope it's not too bad either way!

Part 1:

Part 2:

As you slowly open your eyes again, waking from your nap, it's pitch black outside - only a small lantern on the porch spending some light, that illuminates a few more bottles of whiskey and cans of beer standing around the porch swing, mainly where Jesse had sat earlier.

The amount of them made you shake your head in amusement - he must be drunk as balls by now, if he hasn't passed out somewhere else yet. 

Now there was no sign of him, not the gentle feeling of his arms around you, no indication where he might be gone - only his scent faintly lingering in the air.

You stretch and sit up straight, taking a deep, content breath. 

You check your wristwatch and let out an impressed whistle - you'd slept on that old, only mildly comfortable porch swing from what must've been 10 p.m. to somewhere around two in the morning.

You hear the front door open, Jesse's heavy steps a little uneven as he saunter back over to the porch swing, barely acknowledging you.

In his hand he has a glass of water, sighing deeply before downing it in one go. You fondly watch as he spills just a bit of water, that drips down his beard and stains his shirt. 

He sets down the glass and sighs once more, staring of into the vast emptiness of the seemingly never ending fields.

"I reckon, and please take my word on this one - it might just be bedtime for the two of us.", you chuckle as you watch him clumsily trying to get up, setting you swinging ever so slightly.

"You ain't the boss o' me-", he says, a few hiccups interrupting him as he stumbles his way forward.

You roll your eyes and get up as well, offering to be his arm rest and crutch, but instead of throwing an arm over your shoulder he wraps you up in a big hug.

"I'm really glad to be back here-", he slurs, headbutting into your neck with a little more force than he meant to.

You pat his back, letting out another chuckle. 

"I know man, I know. You've mentioned it a couple of times.", you calmly state, not too surprised by his emotional outburst - even way back when you were younger he had the habit of getting sappy when he let his guard down - either with the help of alcohol or not.

"Nah, you ain't hearing me Darlin'...", He mumbles against your neck, his beard tickling you, before lazily lifting his head to look into your face.

His right hand finds its way to gently cup your cheek and you feel your face grow a little warmer, as you realize how close he is to you. Granted, you were a little surprised and conflicted about whether it's just the alcohol getting the best of both of you.

But god damn it, if his face didn't look stupidly handsome in the low light of the lantern, making his eyes sparkle as he looks at you with such fondness.

"God, I love you so much…", He says, his voice low as his thumb strokes your cheek.

You swallow harshly, trying to avert your eyes away from him - though you had not completely slept the whiskey from your mind yet, you didn't want to get caught up in something that Jesse might not even mean. 

But there was just something so captivating about the way he was looking at you - something you had longed for for almost three decades.

"Y'know, back when we were kids my Ma would tease me 'bout how much I talked about you…", he chuckles as he slurs on "And I'd always tell 'er that she got it all wrong. (Y/N) ain't nothing but a friend, he's just real cool, just my ride or die guy for when times get tough."

A corner of your mouth twitches up into a slight smile at the mention of Jesse's Mother - she was a really sweet lady, always had apple pie ready when you and Jesse came back from a days adventure. 

It wasn't until she remarried back when Jesse was 17 that all went downhill.

"But I think she knew I was lyin'. Could see it in her eyes. I bet right now she's looking down at me from the heavens thinking to herself 'told ya so, boy.'", Jesse sighs, pulling you a little closer.

"For the longest time I thought I'd marry you. At some point I would've asked you out, real sweet, had it all planned.", as he keeps talking, you swear his voice is getting weaker and his eyes are getting watery - though you wouldn't bet on it.

You gently stroke his back as he keeps talking.

"I wanted to- I wanted to take you out to sit on that ol' abandoned truck at the very back of my Ma's farm. We would've sat down on the back, under that really ugly lookin' cherry tree. There- there was a meteor shower that night.", His eyes slowly drift away from you as he keeps talking, his hand finding its way down your arm, hesitantly lingering at your fingers.

"I had my whole life figured out - I'd tell you, and you'd tell me that you'd always liked me too, and we'd've kissed under the moonlight and all that. We'd've-", he chuckles slightly "We would've finished school, and gone to prom, and then we'd have gotten jobs and get married…"

He lets out a shaky breath.

"I wanted to- I wanted to have a big, sweet wedding on your Mommas' farm, and then we'd've settled down a little further out - but not too far away from our families. So that when we would have had children they could always celebrate their birthdays with their grandparents an' aunts an' uncles an' cousins."

You sigh and intertwine your fingers with his, bringing the hand that had previously stroked his back to his cheek.

You tenderly wipe a tear away with your thumb, guiding his head back to look at you again.

"I'm- I couldn't. I couldn't tell you. Thought you'd say no... I was too much of a coward. And then- the whole thing with my stepdad happened...Ma told me she was remarrying and I just- I just left- and left you, and her, and he got her and hurt her and I didn't even- I didn't even say goodbye to her I-", he chokes up, lowering his head, his eyes closed as he sobs just the slightest bit.

Unsure of what else to do, you squeeze his hand and wipe some stray hair from his face, encouraging him to look at you again.

He carefully opens his eyes, glancing into yours.

"And yesterday, when I came back you just...you welcomed me with open arms and just- you- I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of your hospitality and all that…I've- Darlin', I'm the absolute worst.", Tears keeps spilling from his eyes as he rambles on.

You let go of his hand just to wrap your arm around his waist and pull him closer.

"I'm gonna have to disagree with that statement, cowboy.", you smile slightly as his expression changed from sad to slightly confused as you glance at his lips for a short moment, before looking back into his eyes.

His gaze flickers from your own lips, to your eyes and then back to your lips.

And as you pull him closer and closer, until your lips meet for a gentle kiss it feels as though time has stopped in its tracks.

His are slightly chapped, taste like all kinds of alcohol and he still reeks of smoke, but right now you couldn't care less as you close your eyes and melt into the kiss.

You can feel Jesse's shoulders relax as his hands roam around your back and up and down your arms.

And when you part he looks just a little more baffled than before. Though there's also a love struck glaze over his eyes.

"Sweetheart, I- I don't think I understand.", He says, almost breathless, a big, dumb grin on his face.

"And I thought that would get my point across just fine.", you giggle, pressing another soft kiss to his cheek.

"After all this time, I don't think there's a single thing in this world that could make me not love you, Jesse.", you confess.

Jesse's eyes widen and he practically tackles you with another kiss. You don't care about the bottles and cans you knock over with your feet as he makes the two of you stumble back on the porch, back down on the swing.

And it doesn't even bother you when the lantern loses its light - if you were afraid of the dark before, right in this moment it simply didn't matter. 

Jesse had you encased in his arms, and by what you could tell, you wouldn't ever have to worry about being alone again.

[phantomofsilence]

Title : Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Word Count : Honestly who the hell knows?

Warning : Sad Bucky, sad Steve, you can see it from the request.

A/N :

Alright so i already posted this request but Tumblr somehow deleted it. So i had to do it all over again. Well thankfully not the story, i fortunately wrote it in the notes, i learned that lesson the hard way. Anyway along with a story the request itself was deleted. So i think this is how the request went, if it was your request message me if it was wrong. Also i had a really hard time with this request, i don't know why i just wasn't inspired, well probably more tired from college than inspired, but that's why it took so long. I wanted to do it right. Also for anyone else who send me a request i saw it, and i will right it as soon as my obligations allow me some free time. Also i did the P. O. V. thing so don't get confused. Okay, enough rambling, i hope you like it. And also i believe there was a compliment in the request for gif usage, thank you for that. 😘😘😘❤️

Request : Can you do a fic where you and the new agent are getting closer to the point where the team suspects that you are falling out of love with Bucky? (angst to fluff).

Steve's P. O. V.

As soon as he saw her enter the kitchen Chris was out of his seat smothering her in a hug, but Natasha and Steve, hung back and watched with frowns on their faces.

They stayed quiet during their conversation occasionally sipping coffee.

Their stubbornness and Steve's persistence in making sure both him and the team stay out of this complicated and deeply personal situation, rendered them mute, as they stood there cold and stoic, as they sipped on their coffee.

Many would say the intimacy in the embrace, those gentle smiles, and completely unnecessary gazes they were curently being subjected to were highly inappropriate and Steve would have to agree with them.

The more he watched, the more sorry he felt for his friend. But no, Steve wasn't angry at her, he was hurt. How could such a sweet girl be so uncaring? No one deserves this kind of treatment, his friend the least. He's been through so much already, Steve thought you out of all people understood this.

He lost so much, did he have to lose you too?

You were the rock that kept thing moving, a force anyone could fall back on if needed to be. And you want to abandon it all, for this Chris, a man you barely know compared to his friend.

Steve knew he was letting his feelings cloud his judgement, and you haven't really done anything but spent time with a man you claimed was your friend, a man that was your partner. He knew he spent just as much, if not more time with Natasha and she was one of his most valued friends.

Also, Chris seemed like a nice guy, the kind of man if you were still single he'd advise you to go for.

But that's it, you weren't single. In fact you were in a committed relationship with the most important person in his life.

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he didn't know what to do. Invade his best friend's privacy or let his best friend be hurt when he could at least cushion the blow.

One more look at the 'lovely couple' and he decided, privacy be damned, his friend deserves honesty at least and he was gonna make sure he got it for him.

"Steve.." a voice trailed off cautiously, he looked over the see Natasha leaning on the counter facing them, with her head turned towards him looking at him.

"I know, Nat." he knew he shouldn't have snapped, it wasn't her fault. She sighed.

"Steve it should be one of us, I know it sucks to hurt him like that, but it's even worse if he caught them, and we knew but didn't tell him."Like always the redhead was right, but he still tried to reason with her.

"But she hasn't done anything yet Natasha, we can't make things up when they didn't happen."

She rolled her eyes at his statement. "Yes, Steve, she hasn't done anything, yet Steve. The key word being yet. Come on, Steve! They've known each other for only two months, and they are joined at the hip. If you think Bucky didn't notice you are mistaken. Dude's been giving her the kicked puppy eyes for days now and she hasn't even noticed choosing to ogle at her new beau. This calls for revenge! "The redhead took a deep breath and said.

" He is your best friend Steve, if the rolls were reversed wouldn't you like him to say something? "

Steve didn't respond, it wasn't necessary, they both knew the answer. Instead of pushing him, Natasha gently squeezed his shoulder and left him in the kitchen to think it over.

An hour later Steve was letting out his anger on a punching bag. The more he thought about it, the more conflicted he got.

This wasn't his relationship but it was his friend. Thou you were his friend too, after Peggy's death you along with Natasha were there for him, hell you've spent the whole day making jokes just to make him forget.

You were like Bucky, the Bucky from before, not just before The Winter Soldier, but before the war. The guy that got him in a lot of trouble and the guy that stood by him and protected him when he took a bite too large to swallow.

The man that took him to many unsuccessful dates, his companion, his family, it's what drew him to you.

You were a sense reality in the world that no longer made sense, a familiar face in a strange place.

Although he wanted to protect his friend, he also felt oddly protective of you. He couldn't betray your trust, but he couldn't betray Bucky either.

Why did this has to be so hard? He thought and punched the punching bag so hard it ripped and fell few feet away.

"What did that punch bag ever do to you?" Said a man Steve was successfully avoiding since this morning.

"Oh, hey Buck. What's up?" he said trying to act nonchalant. "I could ask you the same thing. Why are you avoiding me? Did i do something?" Bucky demanded.

"I'm not avoiding you." Steve mildly shrugged. Glaring at him he got closer almost to his face. "What the hell is going on?"

Steve could hear the anger in his voice, but also hurt, trying to protect him he's the one that ended up hurting him.

"Nothing, Buck." Steve said. "Listen here, punk!

"It's bad enough the love of my life could possible be cheating on me right now, now i can't even trust you!? What the hell man?"

Steve looked at his best friend, his eyes were puffy, tears threatening to spill, but he refused to let them fall, he had dark bags under his eyes, he hasn't been sleeping well, his hands shaking in anger, this was a man already hurt.

"Look i wanted to tell you about her, but I didn't want to betray her either so I've been ignoring you both so i don't hurt anyone. I guess that ship sailed." He said, his friend deserved honestly at least he can get it from him.

"You think she's cheating on me?" asked Bucky. "I don't know, man. I did not see her so anything, from all we know we're just making stuff up."

Steve frowned, even thou he shouldn't do it now, he was defending her. "You're a good friend, Steve. But i didn't ask what you saw, i want a yes or no answer." Bucky said.

"Why do i matter, why are you asking me? If you really wanted to know you'd ask her. But you're asking me because you know i will never give you that answer. So why are you asking me, Buck?" Steve demanded.

Bucky glared at him, before he grabbed his shoulder giving him a smile." You're a punk, kid."Bucky said, paused to inhale and exhale before continuing." It's because i don't really wanna know. I love her, Steve. If fact i love her so much that even thou, she 's literally ripping me in half, my brain is still finding a reason to forgive her. That she loves me and it's all a mistake. I'm pathetic."

Bucky lowered his head, squeezed his shoulder again, let go and turned to leave.

At the door Steve voice halted him in place.

" You're not pathetic. You love her. Knowing you my whole life, you were never soft on a dame like that. I'm sorry it had to be like this."

Without turning around Bucky whispered. "Me too." And left.

Steve could see it bright as day this man was a mess. He had to do something, you might be his friend, and it wasn't his business , but he was about to confront you.

Steve knew you, you were not a coward.

He would get you to tell the truth, perhaps it wasn't too late. You need to be honest and you might even work it out with Bucky.

Taking his phone out of his pocket he texted you to meet him in his room.

Your P. O. V.

After the workout Chris suggested you go to the diner you always go after a successful mission.

"Come on it's been some time since we been there." Snorting at that statement you replied. "We literally went there two days ago."

Groaning Chris whined. "Exactly, too long, come on i know you can practically taste those fries and that strawberry and vanilla milkshake you like. Eh, it will be fun and if i may say so i make great company."

Although the offer was tempting, and you really could taste those fries and that delicious milkshake, you had to go home to your boyfriend.

You missed him so much, and judging by those sad eyes he's been giving you he missed you just as much, if not more.

The missions you were being sent on this past month left little to no time for your relationship, and now having to prepare for an undercover mission of great importance and you weren't allowed to speak about it with anyone according to Maria, you were forced to spend all your free time with Chris.

Well forced was a harsh word, Chris was a great man and an amazing partner, but he wasn't your boyfriend.

"Sorry gotta take a rain check." You mumbled apologetically. Chris smiled and pulled you in for a hug.

"Hey i get it, if i had a hunk like that waiting for me at home, i wouldn't even bother talking to you. Scram, kid." You arched an eyebrow on chuckling. "Is that so? "

"I'd fuck him."

As you were nearing your apartment your phone buzzed. Looking at the screen you saw you had a text from Steve. Opening it read' We need to talk, met me at my place'.

Steve was not the best texter but he never sounded this urgent and formal. If this was about the mission he would have asked meat at The Tower, this was personal.

Something was wrong.

All it took was three knocks to be met with Steve's hard gaze, he stood aside allowing you to come in.

"So we need to talk?Are you breaking up with me Steve?"A light-hearted joke that was meant to brighten the mood was met with a glare. Okay, not the right crowd.

"Listen, i know it's non of my business and you're my friend, but this needs to end. What the hell is going on with you and Chris? "

Steve asked firmly before placing his hands on his belt buckle. You knew that stance, you've seen it a million times, it was meant to frighted and send a message that he met business.

You never thought you's see it being used on you. But you weren't so easily scared.

"You're right, Steve it's non of your business ." You replied defensively. Who was he thinking he could question you?

"You're right, but i don't care. I'm the one who has to watch my friend heartbroken when you leave with Chris, so excuse me if I'm a little protective. Just don't. Own up to it." Steve said.

"Own up to what, Steve? Heartbroken? My Bucky? What the hell is going on?" You demanded. You have done nothing to Bucky. What the hell is he talking about?"You hurt him and..." Steve began but you cut him off. "Hurt him i haven' t even spoken to him!" You piped up.

"Exactly."

Bucky's P. O. V.

Knowing he couldn't stay cupped up in his room with all those thoughts swearing in his head Bucky decided to take a walk, and by walk he meant a run, muttering angry at nothing and panting wildly.

He wasn't sure if he was panting because he was tired from the aggressive run or the work his mind put him through.

He decided the latter.

As if he was cursed to suffer today, he ran into the last person he wanted to see. Chris strolled up to him, a bright smile on his face, as if he wasn't the cause to his misery. Some nerve on this guy!

"Hey, Buck right?" he said to Bucky holding his hand for him to shake. Bucky just looked down at it frown.

"Not a hand shaker? Alright, i get it. I'm getting used on it myself.Also some say it's unhygienic."

What pissed of Bucky even more was that Chris wasn't even fazed by Bucky unfriendly stance. This guy!

"Anyway i just wanted to meet the man my partner won't shut up about. I mean that woman's got you on a pedestal you'd think your shooting rainbow out of your ass."

Keep rubbing salt to an open wound, Bucky though. This dude was something else.

"Look man, i don't really know her for that long, but she's kinda grown on me. She's one heck of a woman. She means a lot to me and... " Bucky cut him of. "I can imagine." He remarked through his teeth.

"No, you really can't, she has been there for me after the war, you know when you get back everyone keeps walking on egg shells around you, it's a strange place, even the bed feels wrong, too soft. But she made me feel human."

Suddenly the anger for the man was gone and all that was left was confusion. Chris was a marine? It would explain his posture.

" She's not afraid to hold me, i thank God or whatever is out there everyday for a friend like her. "

Bucky knew what he was talking about oh to well, she made him fell the same. She was comfort, she was peace, she was his home.

" Why are you telling me all of this? "Bucky asked.

" Because I'm not blind, i know a jealous man when i see one. She holds me because it helps me relax, not because she is in love with me. Don't even try to deny it. I know what it feels to love her, but you know what it feels like to be loved by her. If anyone has the right to be jealous, it's me. Don't screw this up, man. See ya. "

Before Bucky even had the chance to process what Chris had said, he turned and ran the other way.

Walking into your room you felt oddly nervous. You didn't even know it but you've made the man you love, a man in doubt.

He now questioned your love and you did not even notice. Sure you saw a bit of sadness but regarded it as him simply missing you.

Not a man heartbroken and riddled with insecurities. He probably hasn't even slept right and you didn't see it.

There was no reason for your fear, the room was empty, no Bucky in sight. Footsteps in the hallway made you turn around. Walking out of the room you followed the footsteps into the hallway, outside your apartment, down the stairs and only when you were outside did you catch the glimpse of the man of our.

Gathering enough courage you called out Bucky who at the sound of your voice turned and froze.

The tension was high, you could feel it in the air as you stared at one another.

Just as you opened your mouth to speak not even knowing what to say Bucky crossed the distance, grabbed you by the back of your neck and kissed you.

It only took you a second to respond, the kiss was desperate, teeth clashing, tongues fighting for dominance, while hands roamed all over, pulling, squeezing.

Pulling away for air you kept your eyes closed. "Tell me you love me." Pleaded Bucky, making you feel even more guilty.

Opening your eyes your hands sneaked themselves around his neck pulling until your forehead touched his own.

"I'm not sure about a lot of things Bucky. But there is one thing i am sure about and that is that i love you, James Buchanan Barnes, i love you and i always will. I'm sorry i ever made you doubt my love. "

"No, i am the one that's sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you in the first place. I got so stuck in my own head. I'm sorry. I love you so much, doll."

"I love you. Let's just forget about it and agree that from now on we will talk about this things. No holding back. "

"You're right. From now, we talk. But please be patient with me. And do me a favor, will you."

"Anything."

"Don't quit on me. I know it can be hard to be with me sometimes, but I love you as much it is possible for this broken man to love. "

"You're not broken, just bent. And don't act like I'm a walk in the park, i know i can be frustrating. But this is a relationship, we work together, we compromise, we fight, we make love. We don't quit on each other, we fight for us."

"I love you."

"And i love you."

[goodlucktai]

Since yu're accepting fic prompts, protective strawhats? I just re-read all your op fic for the umpteenth time and I'm still crying, so more please? (I love your writing so much omigosh, it's so goddam beautiful I can't function)

thank you so much for your patience, i’ve made you wait so long for this kllahgljhd sorry!! and i hope you enjoy!! 

a continuation of the smile again au !

x

It’s been a slow shift at the Baratie, and at two a.m. Sanji is one of the handful of kitchen staff left for the night. He’s covering for the pâtissier during her maternity leave on top of his regular duties. It means longer hours for Sanji, but the head chef doesn’t mind having him around after his scheduled shift ends.

Nami assured him it was fine. Brook works at home between gigs, and Chopper’s classes won’t start for another two weeks. Zoro has been taking time off. There’s always someone home.

Still, a pit sits in his stomach when he’s not there to make dinner.

He scowls down at the half-empty pastry kitchen inventory, willing it to finish itself. It’s almost a relief when the server leans over the expo counter and calls back to him.

“Sanji? Your brother is here to see you.”

Four years ago, a statement like that would have filled him with dread.

Tonight, he doesn’t hesitate to abandon his station and head for the swinging kitchen door, pushing it open and scanning the warmly lit dining room for a familiar face.

And right away he finds Luffy, sitting by himself at one of the small, two-seat tables beside the wide front window. He hasn’t seen Sanji; his head is turned to face the street, neon city lights washing over his skin and hair and hands. Sanji backtracks to the kitchen with his heart in his throat.

It’s the work of about three minutes, putting together a quick serving tray. A mug of heated milk, cocoa, sugar, salt and cinnamon stirred in by eye, a generous slice of the mousse cake Sanji made earlier this morning, a fork and a cloth napkin. A quick text to Nami, to let her know their wayward Luffy’s whereabouts. And then Sanji is out the door again.

The bartender catches his eye and he nods to her, a silent thank you for sending the less busy server to find him.

Luffy looks up when he draws near and smiles with a happy “Hi, Sanji!”

“Hi, yourself,” Sanji replies, without moving yet to join him. “You know I’m gonna ask.”

“Uh-huh.” Luffy’s smile dims a little. “Sorry it’s so late.”

Not for the first time in his life, and certainly not for the last, Sanji is torn between the polar opposite desires of either hugging the brown-eyed menace or shaking him senseless. Tray balanced in one hand, Sanji rubs his eyes with the other.

He doesn’t care how late it is. Once upon a time Luffy slept and rose with the sun, but his sleeping pattern has been been skewed beyond repair lately, and it’s no wonder why.

The edges of an ugly scar peek out from under the low collar of his shirt, a reminder, just in case Sanji managed to forget.

Sanji sets the tray down gently, and takes a seat in the only other chair. “Don’t be,” he says mildly, taking the safer route. “You saved me from a bunch of paperwork. I was going crazy back there.”

Luffy’s grin blooms right back, and only widens when Sanji slides the mug and mousse cake in front of him. He makes a delighted noise that sounds more like a verbal exclamation point than anything else and tucks right in.

“You made this, didn’t you? I can tell,” Luffy says, mouth full. “It’s amazing!”

It’s been years now, and words like that still fill Sanji with an impossible warmth. It probably always will. He only has to think of growing up in his father’s house, the scorn and mockery his every attempt in the kitchen was subject to, and Sanji knows he won’t ever take his friends’ praise for granted, even if it makes him feel too much like the earnest child he used to be.

He itches for a cigarette. He settles for a bite of Luffy’s cake.

On nights like this it’s wrong to pry. They’ve learned patience, learned the ins and outs of this grief, even half a year later, when it leads Luffy to do reckless, unpredictable things – like wander into the dark of early morning by himself, when he should have been safely asleep in the comfortable dog-pile of Surume and Sunny and Laboon.

So Sanji waits, leaning back in his chair. The nutty taste of rich chocolate lingering in his mouth, the sound of conversation at the bar a low hum on the other side of the room, the server unobtrusively stacking chairs on cleaned tables to sweep the floor, and Luffy, who doesn’t look at him when he finally speaks.

“I had a dream,” he tells Sanji, “about the pirates.”

That’s not what he expected. He sits forward, blinking past his surprise.

Luffy has had these pirate dreams for as long as Sanji has known him. Nami keeps threatening to write them into an epic tale, and Sanji will be the first to read it if she ever does. Tales of daring and foolishness and heartache. Luffy used to regale them with stories almost every morning at the breakfast table, waving his fork grandly and filling the room with a particular type of sunshine only those close to him will ever know.

He hasn’t told them any of his pirate stories lately, and Sanji thinks he knows why. The dream he had after Usopp’s dog Merry died, of a viking funeral for the funny little ramhead ship of his dreams, brought even stalwart Robin to tears.

With an icy apprehension, Sanji wonders what Luffy’s dreams have been about since his brother died. He’s not sure he’s prepared to hear it.

“You were getting married!” Luffy says a moment later, and Sanji is once again thrown for a loop.

“Married?” he says dumbly. The server, passing by with a broom, bites down on the edges of her smile. “To who?”

“Pudding,” comes the prompt reply. “She wasn’t a good person, but your dad wanted to be friends with her mom, so he was making you marry her.”

“That sounds like him.”

“He’s not a good person, either,” Luffy says frankly, meeting Sanji’s eyes squarely – very pointedly talking about his real father in the real world now, and Sanji can only soften and nod, helpless, as always, in face of this boy’s fiercely protective nature.

“He’s really not.”

Luffy nods, and looks back down at his cake. It’s only half-finished at this point, and Sanji feels a spike of alarm.

“He was making you get married, and the rest of us – we didn’t know why you were leaving, you wouldn’t say. I think you were trying to protect us, because you said a lot of awful stuff to make us leave you alone. I tried to make you stay, but I couldn’t.” He drags his fork through the raspberry sauce, metal tines scratching faintly against the porcelaine. “And then you left.”

And then Luffy woke up, and left the house without pausing even just to put on a jacket, and took a fifteen minute bus ride in the dead of night to where he knew Sanji was, and for a moment Sanji can’t breathe through this borrowed hurt.

He reaches out, dropping a hand on unruly black hair, and ruffles through it with his fingers until Luffy looks up at him.

“You woke up before the end,” Sanji says with a lightness he doesn’t feel. Some of the sad uncertainty in those round brown eyes across from him edges out to make way for a curiosity that sits much more at home there.

“The end?”

“Mmhm. I don’t know this Captain Luffy as well as you do, but I’m pretty sure an argument or a fight wouldn’t be enough to keep him from saving one of his nakama.”

“Saving?” Luffy perks up a little bit. “Do you think you were in some kind of danger?”

“I must have been,” Sanji says, as reasonably as if it’s real life they’re discussing, and not some survivor’s guilt-warped fantasy. “You said yourself, Sanji didn’t want to go. You could tell, right? So there must have been a really good reason for him to have gone anyway.”

There’s a shine in Luffy’s eyes that wasn’t there when he said hello, and he balls his hands into fists, leaning on them to lean over the table and exclaim, “You’re right! I’ll go back to sleep when I get home and save you!”

Sanji can’t help smiling, but anything he might have said was cut off by the heavy fist landing on the crown of his head.

“I pay you to work,” Zeff says gruffly, and Sanji rubs the sore spot on his head as he turns to face the older blond.

“I’m off the clock, geezer,” Sanji gripes back, “and I have company, show a little class.”

Zeff eyes Luffy without comment, taking in, Sanji is sure, the shadows under his eyes and the thinness of his face. Thankfully Zeff is capable of something like subtlety, because all he says is, “Have this brat of mine bring you lot in for dinner sometime, Luffy, on the house. I’ve got a few new dishes I wanna pilot with a good group of taste-testers. Drinks and desserts, too.”

Luffy brightens at the idea, thrumming with enthusiasm, and Sanji can almost bring himself to regret the chocolate and sugar he just loaded him with.

“Sure! But Zoro is doing a really good job at his meetings, so make sure not to offer him any alcohol, okay? Not even his favorite.”

“‘Course not, kid. Sanji, head home for the night. I can finish up.”

Sanji dips his head in a nod, grateful for the excuse not to send Luffy home by himself. It would have been transparent to anyone but Luffy, who just says, “That’s nice of him! Thanks, old man!”

It’s cold outside, their breath misting as Sanji hails a cab. He piles into the backseat with Luffy, who leans up on the middle console to make conversation with the driver, and Sanji hides a smile behind a cigarette as the driver warms to Luffy completely in the short time he knows him.

Nami is awake when they come in, sleepless and short-tempered with worry, and Luffy sinks onto the couch during her scoldings, nodding solemnly as he gathers Surume into his lap and lets his head sink over onto Usopp’s shoulder, and Nami gives up within a few moments. Throwing her hands up, exasperated, and then grabbing the throw blanket off the back of the armchair and covering her little brothers with it, temper notwithstanding.

Sanji brushes a hand through Luffy’s hair, then Usopp’s in the name of fairness, and says goodnight to the room at large. He’s been on his feet for fourteen hours and he’s in desperate need of a shower and his bed.

Before he can make it down the hall, Luffy’s voice drifts out to him. He stops where he is and turns, all the time in the world for the brown eyes reaching for his across the short space between them.

“I’ll finish dreaming it, Sanji,” Luffy says with certainty. “And I’ll bring you home for sure.”

“I know you will,” Sanji tells him, heart full of something he can’t rightly name.