#I'm so tired of it. we already had a terrible relationship with food bc of autism+trauma+ARFID before we got covid last year

[puppyhunger2]

I'm hungry but idk what i can eat or even what I want

EDIT: husband just called & he's bringing home lamb kabobs <3 I hope they taste okay

EDIT EDIT: They were out of lamb kabobs, so now i get nothing :'(

[darktyrannomon]

I'm also being very literal. I've fallen in love with multiple people but most of my relationships have been online and long distance so the vibe is a lot different. When you're living with someone (who is also autistic and has intimacy anxiety) I don't know if I've checked out just in general (which I do a lot. I disassociate to cope with being alive) or whether something in the relationship has me checked out

This has had multiple conversations around it and how I don't feel like I'm in a relationship and am living with a room mate and how she promised me a date to make up for something LAST AUGUST but was so wrapped up in choosing that they didn't choose at all til like a couple weeks ago I just said forget about it BC I didn't expect anything at this point which was a recurring problem. I just don't want my hopes up and at this point I hoped I'd know better.

She does 90% of the house jobs cz of my health and id love to help but I'm so burned out and like AND THATS HER LOVE LANGUAGE I am aware and respect it but it's not mine. I'm the type of person whose motivated to do the mundane things despite my disability if my dopamine is kept high with doing stuff. I was promised weekly date nights and going out for food which we havnt done in 3 years. We havnt touched each other intimately in one and that's where I instigated like i was asked to and it felt weird. One of the things I boasted about when we started dating was she didn't make me feel embarrassed or conscious about my body and now I'm so wrapped up in my own head about whether she really wants to do this (she would and does tell me to stop if she didn't like it) and it's been so fucking one sided for 4 years that I'm just tired and instigating these days feels ropey cz I'm operating from disassociation most of the time

And when we do have the conversations she feels terrible for putting me in that spot and love bombs me for two weeks which makes me super uncomfortable and the autistic part of me doesn't even like ANYONE touching me now whereas she was the exception to the rule

Idk. We're going for a weekend away this weekend and I'll see how it is. I'm already the one who had to sort the hotel, look up places to eat, sort the journey cz they don't drive. Every time we eat out even tho I've got coeliac disease and am vegetarian I kind of always have to go for food she likes and I can eat BC I'm not actually that picky if I can eat somewhere and she has the palette of a white child (safe foods burger and pizza) even tho she says she wants to eat where I can eat it's never like Asian foods I really wanna try or go to or Mediterranean, Spanish etc. I'm not a fan of burgers or pizza so it has to be somewhere especially nice with good gf reviews but it's always me organising it. It'll be me organising for my own birthday too cz that's the norm

How do you know if like. You've fallen out of love with someone. Or whether like. You're both v autistic and there's a new normal.

[mewnyan]

my grandma keeps watching these videos and my gut feeling is telling me that something is wrong

so where i'm from there's this recent trend (primarily in the older demographics) of "charity vloggers" whose content consists of recording themselves giving mutual aid to impoverished and/or disabled people.

there's already a conversation to be had about profiting off the lives of people who don't have that much of a choice (bc the choice is to not have the funds for basic needs vs. becoming a spectacle in exchange for a decent life) to which these vloggers reply in their long disjointed livestreams saying "we're still helping them in the end, so it's fine!!!" but that's a topic for another time. and a topic that's probably better talked about by someone else already (see: the shitton of thinkpieces abt the rise of the mr. beast style content)

as of late, these vloggers have began to create content creator networks (think of machinima and the current rhett&link enterprise) comprised of smaller charity channels. but what's truly worrying here, is that among these networks are actual communities of people receiving food and shelter from these networks.

when i say communities, i don't just mean that there just happened to be a nearby village and these vloggers just decided to give them aid. no, these are towns created for the sole purpose of charity vlogging content.

as these communities are in isolated areas, it calls to mind how cults are formed. if we were to follow the BITE model, then the village immediately features behavioral control. those who live in these communities are homeless, financially dependent on the vloggers, and are subject to rules including not being involved in a relationship. a woman got kicked out of a community because she was found spending money on dates. while the woman's spending wasn't entirely justified (in her case, she was going on dates leading to neglect of her own child), threatening community members with homelessness is a terrifying precedent.

while so far i have not found concrete instances of the remaining three aspects of the BITE model, the fact that this is a community that is regularly under watch by the charity vloggers' viewers could foster cult-like behavior. many charity vloggers and their immediate content creation circle are also staunch marcos apologists. not only can they spread pro-marcos propaganda to their audience, they can also impose these views on the members of their isolated villages. the elements are there.

i'm willing to give them the benefit of doubt, maybe they mean well (as much as the word can allow) and won't devolve into cults. but the popular charity vloggers keep to themselves and generally support each other, and so any injustice done in any of these communities could easily be swept under the rug. not to mention that their content is already teetering on the line of ethicality.

if the government does crack down on these villages, where would its former residents go to? my country's free housing program is terrible and just as isolated.

ultimately the emergence of these vlogger-created villages is a symptom of my country's rapidly dwindling economy. we literally have a sugar crisis going on rn.

anyways im tired of using my journalist voice. get your shit together, marcos jr.