#I'm so burned out it's gotten difficult again to make myself eat

[tejoxys]

save me, chestnut rice

[subwaytostardew]

Update: Ginger Island content

Now there's more than just the bare minimum and their bar dialogue! Kade filled out the other dialogue keys for Ginger Island! Here they are!

▲ Ingo’s Resort Dialogue ▲

 "Resort_Entering": "I have always been told I need to rest my cab! Now I get to do so! This place is breathtaking! However... I do wish the seas were less choppy... I felt as if I was being subjected to a Seismic Toss!"

  "Resort_Leaving": "Alas, I must return to the mainland and to home station. As nice as this place is... I cannot help but worry about the work that needs to get done. They say to rest and relax, but I find it quite difficult to do so. Still! It was a nice day off! I would not mind returning to this terminal! The boat, on the other hand... Oh dear."

  "Resort_Shore": "Ahh... now this is quite the sight! Oh! Perhaps I could build a sand sculpture? Oh... What do I plan to build? Why, a train of course! EHAHAHAHAHA!"

  "Resort_Chair": "(Ingo seems to be fast asleep. He is snoring quite loudly. The book on his face does little to nothing when it comes to volume control.)"

  "Resort_Umbrella": "Owch. Owch. YOWCH. Nuuugh... @... I'd hate to be a bother, but you wouldn't happen to have any sunscreen on you, would you? I'm afraid I am ill-equipped for how bright the sun is here. It appears my cab has gotten burned in the process..."

  "Resort_Wander": "Ah, this place is quite relaxing... But what of all the paperwork that sits unfinished at the station? Oh dear...

No. No. Tut. Tut. Ingo. Do not derail. You are here to relax!

AH, @! Y-you hadn't overheard me, have you? Eh... eheheha... My apologies, but I am simply trying to remind myself that work can wait. After all, I'm here to relax! I heard many good things about the island here! To think this region has so many hidden wonders beneath its prickly thorns..."

  "Resort_Bar": "Bravo! Mister Vincent was indeed correct about the delectability of Cranberry Candy! He has quite a refined palette for such a young passenger- especially when it comes to that of fruits! Perhaps I will take along some cargo for him and Miss Jas before we depart back to the valley... Surely, that will steer them away from my personal supply of sweets..."

▽ Emmet’s Resort Dialogue▽

 "Resort_Entering": "Mmm... I did not like the boat ride. Trains are better. Maybe we can make a train come here! That will be much better. Yup."

  "Resort_Leaving": "I am Emmet... I am now verrrry behind schedule. But I am well-rested and refueled. Ready to work on the railroad all the livelong day again. Yup. The beach is nice. But trains are better! Remember that! ... Stupid boat."

  "Resort_Shore": "The water is verrry wet. The sand is also verrry wet. It sticks to me like glue. I do not like that. As nice as the beach is. Tracking dirt and cleaning sand from one's cab is not fun.",

  "Resort_Chair": "(Emmet looks to be busy sorting through a photo album. It is full of pictures of the shoreline and sea creatures that are around.)"

  "Resort_Umbrella": "Ow. Ow. Ow. I am Emmet. Ow. I did not apply enough sunscreen. Ow... This sucks. Yup. I burn verrrry easily... Ingo does, too. There is a reason why we do not usually make detours from our usual tracks. I miss the subway tunnels. The sun cannot cause damage there.",

  "Resort_Wander": "I don't know why I came here. I am Emmet. I have a lot to conduct at the station.$3#$b#Is this what a vacation feels like? I do not like it. There is too much work to be done. I will be verrry behind schedule. You. Why are you here, @? Aren't you busy, as well?",

  "Resort_Bar": "The Tropical Curry is verrry good! A little... spicy... though... I had to ask for less spice. It is still spicy. Because of the peppers. But I like the pineapple bowl. They are like Pinap Berries but not spicy at all! They are verrry sweet. Pinap Berries are verrrry rare in Unova. Yup. It is a shame. They taste good. I wish I could eat them more. I could just eat a pineapple. But I like curry. It reminds me of the Galar region. I ate some with my friend- Piers- back in Pasio. It was verrry good! I missed it. He didn't make it spicy."

I made one whole island animation for the twins. Here are the frames and a gif with their towel sprites!

Of course Emmet would kick his feet around. Ingo, I was a little more inspired for. I was thinking that he would fall asleep in the position he would have as a passenger: legs crossed, one hand in his lap, the other holding a (nonexistent) handrail. He probably goes "choo choo" in his sleep. Emmet just doesn't sleep.

▷ Station Steward Thylak

[thenightfolknetwork]

um, hello. sorry, i’m a bit new to this “writing-in” thing, hopefully this isn’t too much of a mess.

you see, about a week ago, i met with my brother for the first time in… a while. about ten years to be exact. i was turned fairly young, when i was about 16, and my brother was only around 5 at the time. thing was, when i was first turned, i didn’t tell my parents. they would have hated the idea of me becoming a creature of the night, let alone a hematophage.

i didn’t quite understand how feeding worked at the time, or the sudden hunger that would strike me if i didn’t eat regularly. so, not quite sure how to handle myself yet, i nearly starved. i blacked out. and i bit my brother.

i didn’t mean to, i promise. my parents took him to the hospital almost immediately. they asked to keep him from turning, and told me to stay away. so i did. for about two weeks i would leave and come back to the hospital, only to be turned away by a family member or nurse refusing to let me see my brother. i would go home, only to find my parents had put in iron and silver all around, burning me whenever i tried to enter.

so i left. there wasn’t much i could do. i grew up staying with friends, other people of my genus, never staying to long in one place. i settled down fairly recently, got myself a home and a new boyfriend. and a job at a small shop downtown. one day, as i’m walking up to get inside, i see my brother. he’s looking in the window at some new posters we had gotten. i was so happy. i ran up to him, perhaps coming on a bit too strong, and introduced myself.

i understand that i hurt him in the past. i know i scared him. i hate that i ran away, and left him. but to see my own brother, staring up at me, terrified, holding a silver stake? it was a new kind of pain.

i see him almost every day now, but i keep my distance. he made his message clear. he works next door, apparently. sometimes i leave notes, apologies that i find crumpled in the gutter between our stores.

please. i miss my brother. but he hates me now, and he refuses to speak. i’d rather he renounce me, scream that he hates me, or do something, anything other than staring at me with his hand on his belt ready to pull out that damn stake. what do i do?

The first thing that strikes me in reading this letter is the ages of everyone involved. You say you were “fairly young” when you were turned. Reader, you were a child. You were a child, going through a change that is frightening and difficult even for adults who have freely chosen this path.

You were a child, and you were failed, utterly, by the adults responsible for keeping you safe. They failed to provide a supportive environment for you, so that you felt the need to keep this transformation a secret. In so doing, they failed to protect both you and your brother from the obvious, foreseeable consequences of that secrecy.

You didn't “run away” or abandon your brother. You were driven away – again, as a child. You had no agency in this situation, no chance to choose how you wanted to act. Please, be a little kinder to yourself.

I am also struck by your brother's age. He's not an adult man choosing to cut you out of his life – he's a 15 year old boy, already muddling through the slings and arrows of adolescence, suddenly confronted by the reappearance of his estranged sibling.

I'm afraid, reader, you may be asking too much of him. You have no idea what your brother has been told about you.

You don't know what he's been told about the events preceding your departure from the family home, or how your parents have raised him to think about the creature community in general. (Though, if he habitually carries a silver stake in his belt, we can certainly make some inferences.)

His reaction to you speaks more of shock and confusion than outright hatred and anger. It might be that he just needs time to process your reappearance, and to decide how he wants to proceed. Give him that time.

I recommend approaching him one more time, in as calm and neutral a manner as you can manage. Let him know you aren't going to push this – that you'd like to spend some time with him, perhaps get a cup of tea and chat a little, but that it's entirely up to him. Give him an easy way to contact you, and then, reader – walk away.

I hope your brother has a better support system around him than you did at his age. I hope there are adults in his life who can help him through this difficult process and reach a decision that feels right for him.

But that's not something you can control. All you can control is how you treat him – with respect and dignity, taking an adult's share of the emotional burden so it does not fall entirely on his young shoulders.

And by that, I do mean you need to take responsibility for your own emotional well-being here. Whether you find support from your friends or seek out professional help, you need to work through your grief and trauma around your parents' behaviour towards you.

At the risk of sounding patronising, I urge you to remember that you are also still very young, both by sapio standards and even more so by the standards of other, more long-lived genuses.

Your youth does not undermine your right to safety or happiness, or your right to have your grief taken seriously. But it does mean that there is time for this situation to change.

In time, your brother may grow out of the narrow view of the world in which your parents have raised him. I hope so. And by working on yourself and your own emotional health, you will be ready to be better sibling to him if and when he does choose to have you in his life.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[justagingerwithredhair]

The Blue Moon Ball: Feast

Oh food glorious food, how I've missed you so. My mind tells me to try and maintain my composure, but my body has already taken off to the nearest spread. It looks like cheese, grapes, crackers, veggies, pinwheels, dip, all the typical light snacks one would find at a party. I begin to realize the severity of my starvation when I completely disregard the silverware, electing to take matters into my own hands by skewering the snacks with magically made icicles. Absolutely barbaric, I know. I end up crafting a chilled charcuterie kebab and scarfing it down. Did I look refined? Probably not, but at this point I'm too hungry to care much for manners. Ivory must also be starving because he detaches from my staff and starts picking at the vibrant berries. Where we live, our diets typically consist seafood, root vegetables, grains, and magical flora adapted to the climate of a frozen coast, so this dinner will be a welcome change of pace. After satiating ours stomachs on a base level, I can begin to truly appreciate the spread. The variety is astounding! I start to search for a real meal. I look at the dining table and see it stretched the length of the hall to an almost imperceptible length. At glance, it looks to be an enchantment that causes the room to loop on itself to accommodate every guest. How clever! I walk past the chairs and benches until I can find a spot that is open and somewhat close to Lurien. I let him get away once, not again. After walking for a bit, I finally spot him. He is surrounded by friends, all laughing while eating away merrily. It doesn't seem a seat is open in that particular circle, but one is available close enough to get in his sight. Moving quickly, I slide onto the bench next to a stranger.

My my mouth waters as I take in the options: chicken, pork, beef, lamb, fish, vegetables of all kinds, exotic fruit slices that look perfectly ripe, bread rolls of every variety and, oh be still my heart, CALAMARI! Ivory and I notice at the same time and immediately snatch the plate. Such golden crispy chewy goodness paired with thick zesty sauces. As we bite down, that oh so satisfying first crunch is enough to make the whole night worth it. Forget the waltz music, this is the real symphony we needed. The squid's flesh gives way to our teeth and we munch away blissfully. Calamari has always been our favorite. I'm not much of a chef, so making it ourselves has been... difficult, thus we typically depend on restaurants to get our fix. However tonight has increased my standards tenfold. No calamari will ever top this, not in a million years.

After I scarf down the last piece, I scan the table for something more novel but catch the gaze of the woman to my right (@these-detestable-hands) . She wears some brilliant combination of pirate apparel and ball clothes with a red and white polka dot sash. Though that isn't what stood out to me first. As I locked eyes with her, a horrified visage burned into my memory.

"You monster!" she shuddered in a low and tense tone, "That was my sister you just ate!"

Confounded my eyes finish observing her and spot her hair. Well, it isn't so much hair, but red octopus tentacles growing from her scalp. I immediately put the pieces together, and throw myself into a coughing fit out of shock.

"I'M SO SORRY-- I DIDN'T KNOW--"

As profuse apologies tumble out of me, her shell shocked grimace turns into a delighted grin as she begins to laugh unyielding. She pats my back saying,

"Oh calm down red-head, it was just a joke."

My horror subsides and I begin to chuckle a little which then grows into a contagious laughter I must have gotten from her. We both revel in the absurdity of the moment. As we calm down, she introduces herself,

"The name's Haley."

"Ah! A pleasure to meet you, Haley! My name is Seros. I apologize for the whole 'eating your sister' debacle. Think you can forgive me?"

She expels another hearty laugh. We have a delightful conversation over our meals and the time flies. It's not until we say our momentary goodbyes when I realize I have yet to meet with Lurien. I think I still have time. He seems to be up and mingling now! Ok, time to get some answers.

[canmom]

brain operating notes

the thing with ADHD is that it's super paradoxical. I've spent the last 72 hours or so doing almost nothing but making minute tweaks to this fansub, stuff like hand tracking signs in perspective at 800% zoom. it's the 'hyperfocus', and it can feel like a superpower. only the thing is I have no control over when it kicks in and what it chooses to focus on.

I had work to be done on Friday, work I enjoy and is novel and interesting, but this fansub project just jumped into my brain and took over the wheel and said 'you will not do anything else until this is finished'.

this is why the notion of 'executive function' is useful. I think of it like a unifying thing required to both get myself to do a thing that is not particularly novel or engaging in this moment, and to stop myself doing a thing that engages the hyperfocus because I have to eat or whatever. this feels like a finite resource, that gradually replenishes over time.

of course we're all in metaphor here. I don't actually think there's a finite reserve of some substance that I can use to get me to do things that aren't immediately stimulating. but being equipped with this metaphor lets me think of it like... ok, I will let my brain just do its thing and ride the rollercoaster now, so that I can have the wherewithal to do (difficult but important thing) down the line. or, I've been really pushing myself to do stuff recently, I need to take some time to recover the reserves. how good is this model? i'm not sure. probably not great, but it is a model.

anyway things that trigger hyperfocus are a bit arbitrary but common features tend to be...

novel: a thing that I haven't done before is intrinsically exciting - as long as I have some idea of how to get going. in my previous job I'd find excuses to do stuff like 'animate in Blender' or 'hack the graph drawing tool' just to add a bit of spice to rote tasks. thankfully my current job is full of new exciting things.

a steady drip feed of small successes: a big, daunting task is hard to get started on. something that has a clear avenue for recognisable, steady progress is a lot more manageable. 'write the animation controller' is unclear. 'make another animation' feels like progress, and I know where I'm at with it, so I will tend to choose that one given the option.

urgent: if the deadline is imminent and there really is no other option but to crack on with it, the anxiety gives a force multiplier on executive function. which results in a lot of procrastination leading up to mad last minute crunch. it's a pattern that I hate, not least because it's hard to say how long anything will actually take, but is hard to shake.

social: if it is for the benefit of a friend, or I get to show off a bit, it is way easier to get going with it. is it because I am kinda lonely and any time someone wants to spend time with me it feels like I dare not refuse because who knows when they will again? is it because I love to be praised for doing an impressive thing? idk maybe. however this is double-edged because if I feel I'm making something unimpressive I will be motivated to try and make it bigger and more complex, dragging things out, which might lead to not finishing the thing at all.

you can probably kind of see how computer games are a bit of a cognitohazard. especially open-ended games that don't have a finite built-in endpoint. I've gotten better at managing that now.

there are degrees of hyperfocus. there is the maxed out 'I will not eat or sleep until I finish this' mode. there is also the 'I have a new obsession' mode, which is a bit less intense.

the other thing with hyperfocus is that it is time-limited. at some point you just burn out on it and after that it's really hard to jump back into a thing. the unfinished projects on my hard drive are in most cases things I went nuts over for a few weeks and then dropped like a hot stone. this sucks because making anything worthwhile requires sustained effort over a long period.

I've been trying meds but so far no luck. they've currently got me off the meds taking baseline measurements while they figure out what to try next. though apparently the dose of dexamfetamine they had me on is like... so low that it's not surprising I didn't feel it.

gonna have to ask them about it next time I see them. because right now this whole thing feels like a bit of a mean joke. I'm staying in London for the sake of meds that could help, because it would take upwards of a year to get into another clinic, but what's the point if they're not even giving the meds a real shot?

but if there is any chance I can get working meds, I've got to try for it, because I don't think I'll ever achieve much of anything within the limitations of adhd, at least not without finding some new mechanisms to keep me on track. (though 'if I don't do this I might lose my job/the game won't be as good as it could be' works a bit as an extrinsic motivator)

[catierambles]

Shades Ch.11

Pairing: Walter Marshall x Faith Culver (Vampire!OFC)

WC 1057

Warnings: Reader discretion is advised. Minors DNI 18+ ONLY

@brattymum96 , @ouroboros113 , @peaches1958 , @summersong69 , @henryownsme , @greensleeves888

Walter woke to an empty bed, her side cold, and he got up, pulling on his boxer briefs, and walking out into the kitchen, seeing her standing at the island wearing his sweater that hit her about mid-thigh. Her hair was wet as he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, pressing a kiss to her ear.

“Good morning.” He hummed and she echoed it, her hands sliding over his arms. “You took a shower?”

“You were out and I didn’t want to wake you.” She said and his arms tightened around her waist, holding her back against his chest. “So last night was…oof.”

“Yeah?” He asked, a smile pulling at his lips and she nodded with a sound.

“Toe-curlingly good. You’ve got some game, Detective Marshall.” Faith said and he smiled, burying his face in her shoulder.

"I'm guessing it's been a while for you." He said and she shrugged.

"Woodstock." She said and he snorted in amusement.

"Mud man?" He asked and she pinched his arm. "Ow!" Faith turned in his arms, sliding her hands over his chest as she looked up at him, her fingers weaving into the curls at the back of his head. “Faith, can I…ask about the scar?”

“If you really want to know, absolutely.” She said and he nodded. “It was back in the 1940s, and I was with a man named Caleb. I cared about him a lot.”

“Did you love him?” Walter asked and there was a pause before she nodded.

“The first man I loved since Sean.” She said, “He didn’t know what I was, but it started getting…difficult to hide it from him. He kept talking about marriage and kids, and I…eventually he was going to stop accepting my excuses why I couldn’t.”

“You told him.” He said and she nodded again, her eyes closing.

“I showed him my fangs, I explained what had happened to Sean and I and he…he didn’t take it well. Caleb was a devout Irish Catholic, went to Church every day, took Communion, whole nine yards.”

“What did he do?”

“After I told him and after I showed him, he left. He didn’t say anything, he just left with this blank look on his face.” Faith said, “I figured that was the end of it, I was never going to see him again, and I resigned myself to dealing with that.”

“But that’s not what happened.”

“No, it’s not what happened.” She said, “About a week later he came back and he attacked me. I don’t know where he had gotten a silver knife, but he had it. I wasn’t expecting it and he stabbed me in the chest, aiming for my heart. He missed. Silver, it…it’s like acid, it burns and it disfigures and it eats away at the skin and muscle. If he had hit my heart, I would have been dead in seconds and there wouldn’t have been anything I could have done about it.”

“What did you do?”

“When I didn’t immediately go down, he tried to stab me again, but I…I caught the knife.” She took one of her hands from his hair, showing him the thick scar running the width of her palm. “I got it away from him and I…I killed him. I drained him. I needed to. I was bleeding heavily from a silver wound and it was burning through my chest. I did what I had to do. I loved him, but he tried to kill me, so I killed him.” With a sigh, he took her hand in his, bringing it to his lips and kissing the scar on her palm before holding it to his chest over his heart. “My life is…violent, Walter. I try to make it as normal as possible, try to be as normal as possible, but there will be times when I may have to take a life in order to save my own. You need to decide if you really want to be in that life.”

“Faith, putting aside how you killed him, you were acting in self-defense.” Walter said, “He tried to kill you and you protected yourself. It was you or him. Your life or his. He wasn’t going to stop until one of you was dead. It’s no different than an attack victim getting the weapon away from their attacker and using it on them to save their own life. It was self-defense.” Reaching up, he held her face in his hands, stooping to look into her eyes. “So stop trying to get me to run, stop trying to push me away. I’ve made peace with who and what you are and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to hurt you like he did. Physically he may have missed, but he still stabbed you in the heart.” She stared at him for a moment before reaching up and pulling him down into a kiss, his eyes closing as he responded to her, parting her lips and deepening the kiss as he pressed her back against the kitchen island.

That night Faith stood behind the bar, wiping down glasses that had just come out of the dishwasher. It was slow as it was the day after Christmas but would slowly pick up the closer they got to New Year’s Eve, with the night itself being one of the busier nights. Walter was sitting at his booth, sipping at his usual can of Liquid Death, but she caught him looking at her from time to time, and it never failed to make her smile.

“You two had sex, didn’t you?” One of her waitresses asked and she nearly broke the glass she was holding.

“How--”

“Girl, you’re glowing.” She said, “And don’t think I haven’t seen the goofy looks you two have been giving each other since he got here. So spill. How was it?” Faith could only manage unintelligible sounds and the waitress smiled.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Man looks like he’d be a beast with his clothes off. Those sweaters and thermals he wears do nothing to hide how built he is and those tight jeans? Goddamn.” She said, “Now I’m jealous.”

“Be jealous while getting your tables refills, their drinks are looking a little low.” Faith said and she snorted, pushing away from the bar and heading over to her section.

[heejojo]

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.

[time-overload]

I'm still really struggling but I don't think it's good for me to isolate myself more than I already do. I've been in my head too much. I'm really afraid about the future. I have felt like I've been in a fog since I woke up this morning. I'm trying really hard to get better but I didn't think it was going to be this difficult. I'm in so much pain all the time I can barely move when I get home from work. I spend most of my weekends recovering from the week and I really don't do anything or talk to many people because I simply don't have the energy and I'm kind of crabby and don't want to bring anyone down. I've been having muscle spasms in my back that keep me up all night. Nothing really seems to help. It's almost impossible to get comfortable when I'm sitting, even in the recliner. I can't focus or accomplish much. Basic tasks are a challenge. I'm really weak. My room is a disaster and it's too damn hot to clean. Everything is piling up around me. My mental illness is getting in the way too. I can barely take care of myself and I feel like I'm way too young to be feeling this way. I feel like no one understands.

I just keep getting busier at work and I feel like I can't keep up with the standards I set for myself several years ago. I just run all day long now. I really enjoy what I do and I put my best effort into everything but sometimes I probably overdo it. I genuinely care about improving the quality of life for other people but I can't seem to do it for myself. I'm burning more calories than I can take in. I've been given a lot more responsibilities which normally wouldn't be a bad thing if I could physically handle it. It seems so easy for other people but I guess I have no idea how they feel. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job if I get any worse and I can't find a different job and I feel stuck where I'm at. I'm scared about Winter because things are only going to get harder. Every day feels like torture lately.

I'm afraid to go back to the doctor and have them dismiss me again. I wish the pain would go away. I don't want any more bills for nothing. I can't take any more sick time for a while either so I just have to tough it out and hope that I can fix myself again. I haven't been drinking because it just makes me feel worse and I know I can't do it anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to have a drink (responsibly) when I'm healthy again but until then I am staying far away from it. It isn't even appealing at this point. I even turned down an invitation to a party because I just don't want to be around that and I probably wouldn't be able to enjoy it anyway. It makes me sad because I really miss having friends and I'm tired of locking myself in my room.

I've been working on eating better but it has been a nightmare for me. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food my entire life. I either eat way too much or not enough. I have a hard time eating when I'm stressed because it feels like I have knots in my stomach. All of my "safe foods" are horrible for me. I've always been super picky and avoided social situations that involved food because they created a lot of anxiety for me. I've always preferred eating by myself because then no one could judge me. It makes it hard to have healthy friendships especially when I already feel socially awkward a lot of the time.

I kind of feel like I was doomed from the start. I was born 2 months early via emergency c-section. My mom had toxemia preeclampsia and we both almost died. I was seperated from her before she even got to hold me and was taken to a different hospital by ambulance. I was 3lbs 2oz and I spent the first month of my life in the NICU. I feel like I've always been a little different. I have always been small and my doctors have told me that's just the way I'm built and I hate it. I was always envious of curvy girls because I've gotten tired of being called a "twig" or "chicken legs". I got bullied a lot and people would refer to me as the "anorexic girl" in middle school. People still make insensitive comments about my weight all the time and it sucks but I've learned to live with it. I have felt ashamed of my body because of that.

We grew up really poor and my dad was the only one that worked while my mom stayed home. They didn't always have money to buy a ton of food so I adapted to eating a lot of processed foods that have minimal nutritional value. I usually skipped breakfast and sometimes lunch when I was a teenager and would have an energy drink or a soda instead. We rarely ate vegetables at home other than potatoes and corn. My mom would cook dinner sometimes but it was usually a cheap boxed meal that she would make me finish while I took care of my siblings and she sat in the garage and talked to herself while chain-smoking and drinking her evening bottle of wine. It was hard to thrive with the way she treated me and I felt like a burden to her. She would often be too hungover to take me to school or she would forget to pick me up. There was a period of time when she was very violent. She got arrested multiple times. She assaulted my dad and punched me so hard I had a black eye for a week and she doesn't even remember doing that. She stole all of the money I had in my savings account for college and blew it on whatever she wanted. I knew she was sick but it didn't make it any easier to deal with because I know that's not who she really is. She used to be very kind and loving. It was incredibly stressful for me and I was coping by not eating as much as I should and stealing her cigarettes and alcohol so I can't say I was much better than her. My dad wasn't really able to cook because he was too busy working or getting abused by her so I really can't blame him. He did the best he could at the time and I don't know where I would be without him. Thankfully they got divorced and we got out of that situation but it hasn't been an easy journey since then. We tried so hard to help her but she refused and mental healthcare in this country is awful. There aren't a lot of resources out there unfortunately. My relationship with her hasn't improved and she still thinks I'm this horrible, evil person and it's unlikely I will ever see her again because she refuses to come home and cannot comprehend that she has something wrong with her. I still love her anyway.

Although I can make some things, I never really learned how to cook properly, even when I became an adult and had my own kitchen because it wasn't a priority for me at the time. I naively thought I could eat fast food all the time without suffering the consequences. I thought I was invincible or something. It didn't help that I lived with someone who also struggled with the same thing. When I was younger, I rarely ate a meal that was made from scratch except for on holidays or when I would go visit my grandparents because there was just too much drama going on at home to eat together as a family. The most I ever weighed was 130lbs when I started college and I felt amazing but it has been downhill from there. It didn't help that I did a lot drugs and made a lot of bad choices after that. I know my growth has been stunted from poor nutrition and anemia. I've been doing a lot of research to try to understand why I have such a difficult time with eating and apparently premature babies are more likely to develop eating disorders later in life along with other mental health conditions. It doesn't help that 2 of my permanent teeth didn't develop and sometimes makes eating uncomfortable. Implants aren't really an option at the moment so I'm trying to deal with that too. I am afraid to have another surgery because of my previous experience. Having sepsis last year really kicked my ass too and I'm still not over that either. I feel like I'm falling apart and I'm not even 30. I don't know what to do.

I'm not trying to make excuses or complain about anything, I just need to talk about it because I don't really have anyone. Everything is so overwhelming right now. I'm doing my best to handle everything on my own. I've been trying to do yoga and meditate when I feel good enough to. I mostly drink water now and I've cut back on caffeine a lot. I have still been trying to eat 3 times a day, drinking protein shakes for extra calories, and trying to snack more. Sometimes it hurts to eat and there are some days when I can't meet my goals though and it's still discouraging when I look in the mirror. I don't want to be this thin. I want to be healthy and I don't care if that means being a little bigger. I have never starved myself with the intention of being thinner. I guess it's more about having control over something in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing myself for not doing things right. It makes me feel sick when I hear people tell me they're jealous and they wish they could be as thin as I am but they can't see how much I'm suffering inside. Thinness does not equal health. I know starving myself is a shitty coping mechanism. It doesn't fix anything. I spent too much time trying to destroy myself when the odds were already against me and now I'm not where I want to be. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be normal. I'm not giving up even though I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm truly hoping things will get better.

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[mads-maddie-madison]

Antithetical -part 2

(Hawthorne!Michael)

//NOTE// I hope this part is more fulfilling than the last. It is slightly edited, but it was done in the middle of class so we’ll see how that goes, lol.

Summary: After Robichaux's supreme, Cordelia Foxx, allows Hawthorne's own Boy Wonder, Michael Langdon, to attempt the test of the Seven Wonders, y/n has a problem accepting that. She will stop at nothing to prove he is anything but the next supreme, even if that means attempting the test herself.

Warnings: Light Angst, sexual tension (?)

Word Count: 1.8k

xx

I groaned, slamming my laptop shut. My eyes were throbbing, dry. They felt like they were ashes left by the coals of a burning fire. I had been studying for three days now, no break in sight, at least not until after Sunday afternoon. I rubbed my eyes, looking at the time. Eleven-thirty-two, I had been at this for almost four hours. Shuffling out of my chair, I made my way towards the door. I at least needed something to eat before I spent the rest of my day head deep in grimoires.

"And where do you think you're going?" I internally groaned at the malicious voice, words dripping with arrogance. "And why do you care, Langdon?" I refused to stop, continuing my strides down the white hallway, trying to focus on the photos of past witches rather than Michael's presence behind me, following my every step. "Well Miss y/l/n, I'm only looking out for your well being, seeing as how you'll need every moment of studying you can get if you want to even have a chance against myself." Every moment I spoke to him, it felt like his ego inflated. I didn't believe I could feel so much resentment towards another human being, if that's even what you'd call him. "You're so confident that you'll succeed, what makes you think I won't?" I cascaded my way down the stairs focusing myself towards the kitchen, glancing back at him. His posture all the same as it was three days ago. Hands held behind his back, chest broadened to show dominance. His blonde hair swept to the sides, and the same black uniform that all the Hawthorne warlocks wore. I made a mental note to make sure I looked as prepared as he does on Sunday. "It's blatantly obvious y/n, I've seen your reports. You're mediocre in all your classes. Not to mention, you've shown no abilities that even begin to compare to mine." That damn smirk spread across his face again, oh how badly I wanted to smack it off. "Just like how it's blatantly obvious that you're a self-absorbed, conceded asshole?" He chuckled, knowing he was getting a rise out of me. I reached over the counter, grabbing a red apple from the bowl in the center. "I can assure you, Mr. Langdon, that you most definitely have competition this Sunday. I would jump off of that high horse of yours before you fall." Biting into the apple as I made direct eye contact with him, his ice blue eyes staring straight back at me. Had he not been such an arrogant, self-centered jackass, I may even think he was beautiful. He said nothing, just continued to look straight through me. As if he was reading everything about me by a simple look. "I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to discourage me, you want me to question myself and my own abilities. I can promise you it's not going to work." With that I walked out of the kitchen, the feeling of his eyes glaring into my back as I left the room.

I knew what he was trying to do, if he discouraged me it was likely that I'd do worse in the seven wonders. I sighed as I looked back towards my desk, the mountain of books and papers spread across the surface. I had already mastered telekinesis, having had been one of my original abilities when I first arrived at Robichaux. Concilium followed, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a challenge. I decided I needed help, so I texted Mallory asking for her to meet me in my room. "What did you need help with?" I looked up from my book as Mallory walked through my bedroom door. "Concilium, I need someone to practice on." She nodded in understanding, sitting across my bed. "Alright well before you do anything, just please, nothing embarrassing." I chuckled at her, "Agreed." I turned my chair, focusing on Mallory. I focused my thought on making her stand, grabbing the random shirt that was thrown onto the floor and imagining her folding it. I had stared at her for what felt like forever, nothing was happening. "This is ridiculous!" I sighed in frustration, "You're thinking too hard y/n. Don't stress it, let your mind flow freely." I let out a deep breath of air, I knew she was right. Maybe Michael had gotten to me earlier, this shouldn't be so difficult. I reverted my attention back to Mallory, "Alright, let's try this again." I freed my mind of any thought of Michael, of the test, any worry I had to think of. Slowly, I watched Mallory stand and walk towards the corner where my shirt resided. Picking it up, she walked towards the bed, folding it neatly and setting it down. "See y/n, you just have to be stress free."

Pyrokinesis was next, I grabbed the candle that sat on my nightstand. Running my hand over the wick, I watched the flame ignite. I smiled to myself, I had succeeded in three of the seven wonders, at least I was getting somewhere. "Alright Mallory, I need you to help me with divination." She agreed and walked out of the room, not returning for what felt like five minutes. "Okay, you need to find something that once belonged to Cordelia." I nodded, I closed my eyes, focusing on the energy that engulfed the rooms atmosphere, I allowed my thoughts to bring me towards the object of my desire. I stood up, walking out of my room and down the hall towards the end where a pot full of decorative wooden sticks rested. Reaching out I grabbed Cordelia's old support cane, from when she was attacked by her father-in-laws pets. "Is this it?" I questioned, facing Mallory, "yes."

Transmutation was anything but a challenge, so far I had this under my belt. The ball seemed to be in my court. Now I had to focus on Vitalum Vitalis, I grabbed the dead rose from my bed that I had gotten from the garden earlier. It just so happened to be one of the unfortunate few that didn't get enough sunlight. I bent over the rose, leaning my head down towards the red flower. I lightly blew onto it, attempting to transfer my own life force into the unlucky plant. I watched the petals slowly rejuvenate, lifting themselves up from a crippled, dried up mess to a soft, delicate rose once again. The shriveled up brown stem became a vibrant shade of green again, full of life. Now I could focus on the most challenging task; descensum.

This was the one I feared, the thing that would determine life or death. If I fail, my soul would be stuck in my own personal hell for eternity, whatever plan for a life ahead of me gone within the blink of an eye. I considered pushing it off for Sunday, if I were to die, then I could die attempting to save my coven. But if I attempted it now, and failed, I could die in the comfort of my own bed, quietly and peacefully. Mallory sat on my bed, silently watching me as I practiced. I glanced towards the clock for the second time today, four-fifty-seven. I inhaled a large sum of air, before slowly exhaling as I made my final decision. I would be no coward, I will practice descensum, but I won't attempt it until the day of the test. If I'm going to die, I'm going to go out proudly instead of hiding out behind the confinement of my own four walls.

xx

It was nearly one-thirty in the morning now, time had gotten away from me. The only thing that mattered was my passing of the test. The test that was in two days, I should be resting, knowing every minute of sleep was a gift. Every moment of peace mattered, in two days my life will forever be changed. For the better or the worst, I don't know. I had been laying here, tossing and turning for the majority of the time I had been in bed. Thinking of the different possibilities as to how this could end. If I passed, Michael wouldn't, if Michael passed, then I wouldn't. Each thought raking my mind, one right after another. I turned, facing the window, staring at the front yard. The thought of how Zoe had failed transmutation, ending up laid out across the forks of the gate. Suddenly it occurred to me that I was not the only one risking my life to complete this task, Michael was too. While I had hoped that I passed, I became worried at the thought of him failing in the worst way possible, my heart dropped to my stomach. ' Why do you care about him y/n?' I thought to myself, 'You barely know him, he means nothing to you.' I still thought the worst, Michael may be arrogant, but I surely didn't want him to die. Did I?

'No of course not! You'd never wish death upon anyone.'

"Thinking of me?" My head snapped to the doorway I hadn't noticed was open. My eyes met the tall dark figure that was Michael Langdon. "What are you doing in my room?" I immediately sat up, suddenly feeling exposed due to my sense of vulnerability. "My dear y/n, your thoughts are consuming." He urged forward, coming closer to the end of my bed. "So you're clairvoyant as well? Good to know," I huffed, pulling my blanket up to cover my tank top adorned torso. "Well I tend to listen in when I'm the main topic. Worried for me are we?" Even though I couldn't exactly see it due to the darkness of the room, I could practically hear the signature smirk on his face. "Why would I worry for you?" I attempted to rebuttal, trying my best to hide my thoughts, not wanting him to learn anything further. This time he sat at the edge of my bed, slowly leaning over me. His face now lit by the light of the moon shining through my window. "Don't deny it Miss y/l/n," he slowly reached his right hand up to push a strand of hair behind my ear. "I think we both know I mean a little bit more to you than you'd care to admit." He was so close I could smell the mint on his breath. He leaned a little bit closer, mouth resting over the lobe of my ear. I could feel the heat of his breath as he spoke, "Good luck Sunday." Suddenly I was alone again, the ghost of his words haunting me to sleep. Did I care for him more than I'd care to admit?

[bbykpoper]

Bitter Sweet Symphony

part 5 - diffindo

words: 1.8k

A/N: note that the story takes place before Harry came to Hogwarts. And most professors of the class mention below are unknown before his time hence why I will be using a random idol or maybe even an unknown person as the professor!

~

The fact that the students from both the 5th and 6th year had to assemble in the training grounds just as the professor for Defence Against the Dark Arts (D.A.D.A.) class walked towards them along with professor Snape didn't seem to amuse Y/N. She sat on the grass beside Sunmi as both Ravenclaw's absently stared into the direction of the two professors.

"I'm not amused by this setting." Y/N spoke as she caught the glare of the skinny blond boy in the green robes. "Plus, why the hell is Snape here?"

"That is a question I ask myself as well." Sunmi commented.

The rest of the Ravenclaw's began quietly whispering as boy in red robes walked over to the two girls and smiled down at them. He was followed by one more young boy in yellow robes. A Gryffindor and Hufflepuff was not an unusual sight to mingle with the Ravenclaw's, but both Park Sungjin and Kang Younghyun were quite the unusual appearance. These two usually hung out with only one Ravenclaw since they first entered Hogwarts.

And also, their bestest friend chicken little also known as Park Jaehyung, was standing opposite them glaring at Y/N.

"Hey girls." Sungjin addressed them with a smile. "What do you think this is all about?"

"My bet is we're going to be duelling." Sunmi said with a sigh. "By the way, why are you guys here? I thought you were friends with Jae on the other side..."

"Jae's being a meany so we decided to befriend the girl who keeps calling him out on social media." Younghyun smiled.

Y/N looked up at him with a raised eyebrow but didn't say anything. Sungjin joined them on the grass while Younghyun smirked at Jae on the other side.

"Alright listen up kids!" The professor spoke up to catch the attention of his students. "I have called together both years to have a practical class in which a few of you will demonstrate the spells we've learned throughout the past school years. Now I know that pairing a 6th and 5th year student will be difficult seeing as the older kids know more spells, but if a student wishes to duel a younger one, or vice versa, I will not oppose it and neither will professor Snape."

Jae looked straight at Y/N who was silently going through some type of journal in her lap.

"Now then, my duelling pupil Sungjin and Seung Cheol shall be the first to duel."

Sungjin went up front followed by another Gryffindor and both took their stances. They smiled at each other and went forth to take a few paces from each other and the duel began. It was harmless, with a few basic duelling spells learned from professor Flitwick as well as ones learned in D.A.D.A. through the years.

Sungjin came out victorious.

"Well done boys. Now then moving on towards the 6th years... Miss Nayeon and Miss Wheein, you're up next."

A very cheerful and bubbly Gryffindor skipped up to take Sungjin's place while and elegant looking Slytherin walked up to take Seung Cheol's. This duel was a bit more heated and the dislike between the two houses was evident.

Wheein came out as the winner in this duel.

"Exceptional curse casting Miss Wheein. Now then next will be Mister Jaehyung and-"

"Sir, I'd like to choose my own opponent." Jae spoke up and both professors raised their eyebrows.

"Yes, of course." The professor spoke up.

"Hey Wonpil's girl." Sunmi nudged Y/N when she didn't budge from her quidditch notes. "Let's see how well you do with those spells of yours."

Jae stepped up in place of Wheein as Y/N looked confused with the speech he threw at her.

"Well now Miss Jeong don't just sit around." Professor Snape snapped at her. "Get up and take Miss Im's place on the field."

Y/N gave her notebook to Sunmi as she took her wand and replaced Nayeon on the field. The Gryffindor wished her luck and Y/N only nodded, not understanding what this was all about but she sure wasn't complaining. Maybe this was the perfect time and place to shut Jae's mouth.

Both of them bowed at each other and took up their stances, Jae's being a bit more aggressive in nature while Y/N's was more cold and stoic.

"One..." The professor began his countdown. "Two..." Sunmi, Sungjin and Younghyun were not expecting this to happen and the boys were quick to inform the other two, being bombarded with Wonpil's worry. "Three-"

"Expulso!" Jae screamed and waved his wand before the countdown reached three normally.

"Protego!" Y/N reacted faster and a transparent shield of soft blue hues spread before her deflecting the explosion and spreading a screen of smoke on the field. She was quick to counter attack while Jae couldn't see her movements in the smoke. "Everte Statum!"

Jae was hit by the spell and sent spinning in the air as he landed a few feet in the distance. He was angry now as his glasses fell next to him.

"Flipendo!" Jae's spell knocked down Y/N and she groaned at the impact it had on her body. "Incendio!"

A gush of fire rushed towards Y/N and all the students went quiet with horror as it rapidly approached the knocked down girl.

"Aguamenti!" She countered with a water jet and the fire seemed ti burst into smoke as her breathing became shallow and raged from the scare of being burned alive.

"You're good Y/N, well I'd say decent for a mudblood." Jae spoke as he walked up to her.

"Oh, so now we're calling each other names?" Y/N stood up, clearly angry at his words. "So what if I'm a child of a human and a wizard I can't be good at casting spells or quidditch? Wow Jae, never knew that you'd be calling me names because you suck at spell casting."

"Oh keep you mouth shut you dirty blooded bird! You're no better than a pureblood just because you're smart so stop acting all high and mighty. You should just keep that beak quiet and mingle with less wizards so you don't spread the disease among us." Jae was enraged and both Sungjin and Younghyun didn't understand how he could be so insulting.

They've never heard or seen this side of the young blond.

"Legilimens." Jae cast the mindreading charm on her, trying to mess with her emotions.

"Protego Horribilis." Y/N whispered out and the spell bounced off the transparent shield which enveloped her.

"A protection charm again, really? Is this all you know? You're a disgrace even to mudbloods." Jae mocked her and tried both flipendo and expeliarmus on the girl but without any results. "This is a damn duel Y/N not a fucking pitty party where you hide behind a shield of magic. Fight me like you mean it!"

"Okay, if that's what you really want." She gripped her wand tightly turning her knuckles white with anger. As she looked up at him her dark eyes seemed to turn black with sheer animosity as the protective shield suddenly disappeared around her.

"Alarte Ascendare." Jae was shot up into the air and screamed out as his body began falling down quickly approaching the hard ground. "Diffindo."

Jae screamed out as a burst of cuts appeared on his body bleeding heavily as he kept on falling down. It was followed by a loud noise of breaking bones and tearing of the muscles as suddenly both professor Snape and the professor of D.A.D.A. stepped in to stop the duel.

"Descendo!" The professor yelled as Snape quickly caught an unconscious Jae. "Miss Jeong Y/N what has gotten into you?! You could have killed Mister Park with both spells!"

"Vulnera Sanentur." Snape said as he healed the cuts and gashes on Jae's body. "I'm taking Mister Park to the hospital wing. Miss Jeong, I will make sure professor Flitwick hears about this."

Both professor left as they dismissed the class. All of the students stood staring at Y/N who was still angrily clutching her wand and biting her lip to the point it bled.

"Alright!" Sunmi yelled out. "Get lost you dweebs, nothing to see here!"

The students suddenly scurried off into all directions as Sunmi walked up to her friend and patted her on the shoulder.

"Come on Y/N, let's get some nice relaxing tea and Momo to cheer you up shall we?" She began pushing the girl in the direction of the castle, but stopped to look back at the two dumbfounded boys. "I'd advise you to check on Jae later on. Those were some dangerous spells casted on him."

And with that they left.

~

Later that evening Sunmi, Momo and Y/N were sitting in the Astronomy tower, drinking tea and eating some of Momo's home baked peach muffins. The two girls were animatedly chatting with each other as Y/N kept staring out the tower into the cold starless night.

It wasn't her fault her parents fell in love. Before today she didn't really care for the fact her father was a wizard and her mother was a muggle. They loved each other, they loved her, her family was quite accepting of the wizarding world even though her older brother was a muggle and stayed a muggle. Why was it so wrong to be a half-blood?

Her thoughts were cut short when an owl landed on the open window and handed her a letter.

"What is it?" Momo asked.

"A howler..." Y/N answered.

"From professor Flitwick?" Sunmi asked.

"No... from my father..." She sighed and opened it, ready for what was to come.

"JEONG ROSEMARY Y/N! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF TODAY'S DUEL WITH THE SLYTHERIN BOY? YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN TO BLINDLY CAST DANGEROUS SPELLS ON YOUNG WIZARDS IN YOUR STATE OF ANGER! I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU AND YOUR ACTIONS TODAY! NEXT HOLIDAY YOU COME HOME YOU WILL GET AN EARFULL FROM ME YOUNG LADY! PROFESSOR FLITWICK PERSONALLY SENT AN OWL TO ADRESS YOUR BEHAVIOUR TODAY AND IT ALMOST MADE YOUR MOTHER CRY! LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE YOURSELF AND FOCUS ON YOUR STUDIES MORE!" There was a short pause as the girls stared wide eyed at the letter. "I know the boy must've said some very insulting things to you my little rose but it still doesn't justify this type of behaviour. I can only hope you will learn from this experience and tred your battles carefully. Professor Flitwick said he'd talk to you first thing tomorrow morning, so I expect you to accept your punishment with dignity. I did not teach you those spells for your anger but for you to defend yourself if need be. Be sure to visit your mother and I on your next holiday, and write a letter or two for your older brother so he knows your alive at least. Love dad."

Y/N sighed as the letter tore itself up and fell into the lap...

'Well done Y/N, now all you gotta do is go and talk to your brother who hates you because of your father. Easy-peasy.'

[savitaa]

Sarah Feels Great After Losing 4 Stone

About Sarah

I have recently qualified as a primary teacher, having originally graduated with a Music degree.

Click here to discount my most recommended weight Loss Method https://bit.ly/3feNHht

I'm much more active now in the classroom than I was studying music as I am constantly on my feet and moving around.

"Being a musician is, in contrast, a fairly sedentary lifestyle. On the downside, staff rooms tend to contain large quantities of chocolate to keep the staff sane!"

I certainly gained the most weight once my husband Paul and I started to become more secure in our relationship, perhaps just from feeling comfortable and happy.

Now Paul tries to help me with my eating since he's the cook in the house, but we're both far from perfect so there are often major temptations to deal with.

Dieting History

I've always been chubby, and as such I've been dieting on and off for most of my life.

I tried Rosemary Conley and Weight Watchers as a teenager, and various attempts at self-restriction over the years.

At the start of 2005 I decided to make a change and lost 4 or 5 lbs myself through exercise. I then joined Slimming World and lost more weight between May 2005 and June 2006.

Both Weight Watchers and Rosemary Conley worked for me at the time and I lost a little bit of weight, but felt constantly hungry.

"I found they pushed me towards some unhealthy relationships with food, such as deliberately starving myself."

I also felt that the way they specified a 'healthy' weight for me was unrealistic. I don't think I'm designed to weigh 9 stone.

"Going it alone never really worked for me as I always lost motivation and whenever I fell off the wagon I gave in and didn't get back on again."

Slimming World, on the other hand, was extremely successful for me at the time, and I didn't put the weight back on in the 6 months between leaving Slimming World and joining wlr.

It allowed me to eat a lot of food whilst losing weight so I didn't have to deal with being hungry, and whilst I considered joining them again to lose this final bit of weight, I didn't feel like a group, or the kind of eating plan offered by them would suit me any more.

How being overweight has affected you…

Being overweight seriously affected my already pretty poor self-esteem and I have never really felt comfortable with my body, even now, and I still find it difficult to accept that I look good.

Oddly, however, it took me a very long time to admit how bad I had gotten, and I still have pretty mismatched perceptions of myself then and now.

"I found it impossible to buy clothes because I couldn't stand the sight of the lumps and bumps I had, but obviously couldn't magic them away with the “perfect” pair of trousers."

I often used my weight as a kind of punishment or reward system, saying things like 'When I'm a bit lighter, I'll get a gym membership/go back to training' because I was too embarrassed to be seen by all those healthy people, or 'I won’t buy any new clothes because I intend to get slimmer' and then never did.

Motivation to Diet

Originally I just couldn't stand to look at myself any more. I felt uncomfortable being naked with my partner, and avoided photographs at all costs and I just didn't think that was any kind of way to live as a 21 year old.

"Now I train in Muay Thai (Thai Kickboxing) and I really love it. It's a great way to get healthy and build your self-esteem."

I've started competing and as such I need to meet specific weight categories. If I'm too heavy I don't get to fight, so that's a good motivator!

It's as much about being healthy now as it is about being slim.

Sarah Before

How Weight Loss Resources Helps

Counting calories helping me to get a better perspective on my diet and create a better relationship with food, so that I can eat the things I want, just not all of them and not all the time!

The Best of Weight Loss Resources

I use the food diary and calorie database every day, and I use the message boards. There's a lot of support and knowledge to be shared and taken advantage of there!

Lifestyle Changes

I can go into any clothes shop now and guarantee that I will find something in my size that will look good, and which I will actually feel confident in.

I can look at myself in pictures and in the mirror without cringing and feeling the need to draw the curtains and never leave the house again.

"I don't feel ashamed of my appearance any more. There's nothing I wouldn't feel confident doing now because of my weight."

I'll join any club, take part in any activity and I'm much better at talking to strangers now that I feel proud of who I am and what I've achieved.

"I'm also learning how to take a compliment."

When people offer me a compliment about my figure I can believe them, instead of assuming they are making fun of me, and I can look them in the eye, smile and thank them.

Diet Changes

It's not so much about meals as it is about snacks for me. I always ate reasonably healthy meals. I just ate too many calories, and too often.

Typical Breakfast

Before: Raspberry flapjack and Red Bull ( c.500 Kcal)

Now: 2 Weetabix with skimmed milk and raspberries (c.170 Kcal) And I wondered why I was overweight!

Exercise Changes

I now train in Muay Thai 6 days a week, generally 7 hrs per week. I cycle everywhere, clocking up about 35 miles per week.

I try to run/stumble 3 times a week – c.5km per run.

Why do you think wlr has helped you lose weight where other diets have failed?

I think by giving me control and awareness of the food I'm eating, its calorie and nutritional content, and by showing me that I can eat “normally”, and still lose weight.

Sarah's Calorie Counting Tips

My main tip would be this: losing weight is not easy, but neither is it complicated.

I mean that people tend to ask me a lot how I lost the weight and reactions are generally split between jealousy and disbelief when I explain that to lose weight I ate sensibly and exercised regularly.

I think the people who are jealous think that I mean that it was easy, when it really wasn't. It isn't easy to take control of your diet when you've been so out of control for so long, and learning to say “no” to things is seriously hard.

The people who don't believe it think that there must be more to it than that, when there really isn't– eat less calories than you burn and you will definitely lose weight.

Just don't go overboard – eat your calorie allowance, don't be too hard on yourself, and remember it's necessary to have a treat occasionally!

Also, it's not the end of the world if you fall off the wagon every now and again, so long as you get back on again straight away.

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[rhysand-vs-fenrys]

I have a friend who's really struggling with depression. She lives a ways a way so I rarely see her face to face anymore, but lately she's gotten worse. She's said and posted some pretty dark stuff, which I'll obviously comment on, telling her I'm sorry she's going through what she is and that i love her, she's important. I know that saying that doesn't usually have much of an effect, but i don't know what else to say. help?

I haven’t exactly been upfront about this (I haven’t been secretive about it either), but for the longest time I felt like I was buried alive underneath my depression and actually attempted suicide twice.

For me, personally, I felt like I was a burden to others and that they were only acting like they cared because they felt that they had to. I didn’t believe my friends were genuine, I always thought they just tolerated me.

In thinking of how to answer this ask, I tried to remember what pulled me out of that. I still suffer from depression, some weeks are easier than others, but I know I’ll never let it take me back to that place again. What I came up with wasn’t so much stuff you can say to them, but if you want to forward this message on to them, it’s just easier for me to speak to those suffering directly. 

It’s the only way I know how.

So, some stuff that’s helped me:

Being up front about it.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is tell my parents that my “accidents” where I “caught my wrist on a desk” were actually me trying to cut my wrists (I scratched them with a fingernail until they bled). Now, my parents response was… abysmal. My mother said “Do you feel like that right now?” (I told them after I’d gotten through the worst of it and so I said ‘no’), then “Well, go empty the dishwasher.” and we never spoke of it again.It was overwhelmingly disappointing, I was angry at her for a long time over it, but the point is it helped me, and I realized in the end that was all that mattered. I don’t care how it made her feel, because it made me feel stronger to address it face first.Even when you know it’s depression, sometimes just turning around and facing the monster behind you, giving it a name and telling someone close to you what it is and what it’s doing is all you need to fight and conquer it. It will never be gone, but you’ll be stronger than it always, and that knowledge is the greatest thing. Talking to your friends about it is one thing- online or in person. Talking to family about it can make the difference.

Try to figure out what triggered the “episode”

As I said and as you all know, Depression is with you for life. Still, it seems to hit you like a roller coaster- sometimes you’re at the peak, on top of it and you can see the whole world, and sometimes you’re stuck at the bottom and it feels like it’s burying you alive.Before each fall, something triggers it. It might be a bad week, a stresser from school, or something even you didn’t realize. Just- look at where you are, and how you feel you got there.That’s the thing about Depression- you hear people say a lot “I know it’s not rational but-”, and that right there is the problem. “I know it’s not rational”. Nothing about Depression is rational. That is why it’s so dangerous. If it affects you, if it’s hurting you, then it’s the most rational thing in the world. Don’t try to force yourself to dismiss a stresser just because it seems like something other people wouldn’t see as a trigger for the down swing. Be selfish. If it affects you, if it hurts you or even if it’s something that makes you happy for two damn seconds, be selfish. Say “This is what’s bothering me.” and don’t let anyone say “well that’s dumb” because they aren’t the ones feeling what you are feeling. They can fuck off. Depression is serious, therefore your trigger was a serious incident. I don’t care if it’s just how someone on the street looked at you one day- it means something to you. Therefore, it means something.

Remember your “wings”

My depression began around 3rd grade (I was subjected to heavy bullying 3rd-5th). Back then, I processed things by telling myself stories, and I think that’s where this one came from. It may seem stupid, childish, or silly, but see above. It helped me, it still helps me, therefore nothing about it is stupid, childish, or silly.The way I see the world, every single person has these invisible wings- like angel wings- that they carry with them always. When you’re suffering under depression, it feels like you are dragging your wings on the ground. Like they’re bleeding, dirty, limp, too weak to hold up, and just overall dull and flat.When you’re angry, they’re tipped in steel and iron, and they can hurt you as much as others.When you’re living up to your potential, when you find your purpose and hit your stride, they’re out and clean and they can shine as bright as the sun, and make you shine by comparison.When those hard times hit, when your wings are dragging and dirty and broken and bleeding, just imagine you are wrapping your wings up in a cloth. They’ll still drag a while, they still feel raw and aching, but by imagining you are wrapping them and maybe brushing off some of that dust and debris at the end of the day, you’re giving yourself permission to feel it.You aren’t denying to yourself that you are depressed, that it’s one of those days where you just can’t hold yourself up, but you’re giving yourself permission to turn around and see that. To do more than just know you feel down, you’re facing it. When I imagine those wings wrapped in a sheet or a towel, it’s like saying “Things are really hard right now, but we’ll get through it. I’ll keep you safe. It’s alright.”Like I said, I think that originated because of how young I was when I really became aware of my depression, and some days it feels like an ache in your heart, but I always try to remember the wings.

Re-examine why you surround yourself with who you have.

This one seems a bit brutal, and it should be said I was raised in a military family. You moved every few years and back then we didn’t have facebook and hardly used e-mail, so when someone moved away, they basically stopped existing. It means I’ve gotten very good at cutting people out of my life, too good which is something I’ve been working on lately.Anyways, this one can be really hard. I still have my journal from when my depression was bad, before I’d sort of flipped that switch and shut off the part of me that wanted to die (I explain it in this section, just later on), I kept writing about the same thing: My mask.I’d write about how it felt like I wore this mask for my friends, and they couldn’t see me decaying beneath it. I didn’t think they even cared. I described myself as a walking corpse- rotting away, my skin turning black and blue as I decomposed behind that mask.One day I looked at that journal- and it’s something I can rarely look at even now, it’s just incredibly dark- and I realized there was something else in my words, something I never noticed:I said the mask was what was killing me, what made me decay and die without anyone noticing. So… what happened if I took the mask off?I felt like I had to be a certain person around my friends- behave a certain way, dress, act, like certain things- but what if I stopped that? I loved them, I called them my best friends, but if I was so incredibly unhappy around them… maybe… maybe that was hurting me. Now, I will say the people I was hanging around with at the time were nice. They were always nice to me, genuinely, and we didn’t really fight… But when I took off that mask and stopped doing stuff because it was how I was supposed to be around them, we drifted apart…… and I found new friends. People I didn’t have to wear a mask around. People who loved me exactly as I was. I didn’t think I’d find others with my brand of weird, but I did! It was scary, and difficult, and heartbreaking because I lost friendships I’d had for a long time… but I stopped writing about that mask. I stopped feeling the decay eating away at me.And that’s how I flipped that switch and that’s how the part of me that wanted to die finally did. I haven’t even thought about suicide in over 10 years now. My depression is still bad, there are still days- weeks even- where it’s hard to get up and function, but I know in my soul that I won’t get to that place again where I want to take my own life… And it’s because I found a way to pull that mask off.It’s the hardest thing you will ever do- facing yourself. That’s not a cliche, turning around and actually really, truly looking into the mirror hurts… but while it may feel at first like it’s leaving you hollow, if you felt like you were dead inside then just think of it as burning away the rot. Cauterizing the wound. I buried it in my fic “What Rises from the Ashes”, but there was a message from me to people like you- like us- who feel broken and ravaged, hollow and alone, like the person who smiled once upon a time is nothing but a rotted corpse:“… the creature that rises from our ashes can be beautiful too.”As scary as it is, as frightening as it seems when you notice those old friends pulling away, I promise you the person who emerges is stronger and more beautiful than the one you’re burning away. Let the part of you that wants to die die, let the rest of you grow strong once it’s pollution is gone. I realize those are strong words, and there are probably other ways to phrase it someone would recommend, but that is always how I’ve seen it, and it helps me... That piece of me was monumental, all-consuming, all-powerful- and now there’s nothing left of her. Just the tombstone, to remind me that I beat her. That part of me that wanted to die, that said the world would be better off without me--- I realized my world was better off without her. My life is better off without her...I can’t explain how exactly I beat that part of me, how I cauterized that wound. That’s why I keep mixing my metaphors, because I really can’t explain it. But one day you’ll see your opening, however brief it may be. That nasty voice will lose its power for a second, and if you pounce you can silence its poisonous words. The depression is still there, but the teeth are gone. That extra darkness is gone.Never wear a mask again. There are enough people in this world that I swear to you, you’ll find someone with your brand of weird… and the friendship that comes from that will make the other look thin as tissue paper.

A few quotes that helped me:

I really can’t explain it with these quotes. I’d flipped that switch on the side of me that wanted to die- I ripped that mask off at long last and… …. …Beneath the depression was rage… anger and wrath and a deep bitterness. I compared what I felt beneath that mask to something rotted and decomposing, well I saw the anger at the heart of my depression as an infection that was poisoning me alive.These two quotes… I really can’t explain it. I read them maybe 2-4 days apart and they shook me to my core. Never before- and never since- has something stuck with me so wholly and completely.So, I share them with you now- with anyone facing depression- and I hope somehow you find the same strength in them I did. I say them to myself a dozen times per day, I’m going to have the last lines of the first one (I’ll put it in italics) tattooed on my arm (in Latin, the original language, which I will put in parentheses)It’s easy to descend into Hell.All day and all night the dark doors of Hades stand open.But to retrace the path, to emerge once again in the sweet air of heaven…This is your task, and therein lies your burden (hoc opus, hic labor est)– Vergil, ‘The Aeneid’—– With depression, fighting your way back to happiness feels like a burden, this monumental task you’ll never overcome. What this quote reminds me, every day, is that the easy road only leads deeper into hell. If you want to feel better, if you want to smile and feel the sun again, you have to fight.The easy road is the one that makes things worse. Just keep walking, just keep breathing and fighting and wrapping those wings up when they drag on the ground, and eventually the hard world becomes soft again. Eventually you realize that’s sun on your face, and without even noticing when it happened, you find yourself smiling again.The other quote is simple, but important:Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.— You are not alone. What you are feeling is not wrong. You aren’t isolated, you just haven’t found the others yet. You’re fighting a war, but you aren’t the only soldier on the battlefield.It might take weeks, months, years, but eventually you’ll find someone else who’s waged that war along side you- even if we’ve never met. When one of us fights depression, we fight for everyone else like us. We fight so that others can one day see where we are and we can help fight for you too.I fought my depression, and while we still spar, I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore. Even the days I feel like I’m drowning, I know there is a pillar of steel and diamond in my soul, and that will always keep me standing.I fought my depression, and if someone needs me to help fight theirs, I will always show them they aren’t fighting alone. I’m beside them every step of the way. Even if it’s just through posts like this, the battle can be won. We will fight this, and we will survive to spite the evil bastard that tries to steal our happiness away.

Like I said at the start of this, these aren’t really things you can say to someone. That’s the hardest part of depression and watching someone go through it- the greatest thing you can do for that person is help them fight.

There’s no ‘magic bullet’ phrase or fortune-cookie wisdom you can offer to get them through it… Here, I’ve shown you all my soul. This is how I fought it. This is how I’m still fighting.

But I know my strength, I know I’ll always win because I don’t accept any other truth.For your friend, just be there. Send them this and see if they can take some of my strength for their fight. I have enough to spare.And for the days when it is very difficult, its never too late to ask someone to share their strength with you. I’ve linked this paragraph to a place where you can find suicide and depression hotlines (I just googled a search tool that can be used no matter what country you’re in). I used to think it was embarrassing to have to call something like that- but those people are there because they love you. They don’t even know you, but for them the idea of a world without you is so abhorrent, they’re going to sit there, waiting by the phone, to give you every last ounce of strength they can.I hope this helps, I truly do.xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[acidlashes]

Draco x Reader

Chapter Two

Dragon Heart

It would seem that leaving home would be a hard choice for a child coming of age. A home would be a place of comfort, of familiarity, a place where you belong, but Winnie didn't feel those things. She didn't feel like she belongs in those dark wooden walls. She didn't feel familiar with her parents, and she never felt comfortable with herself. So, leaving had almost felt like turning a page in a not so eventful book.

Her father offered her no more parting words than his demand she place in their families house. Slytherin. Years ago he had given her all the books that could tell you anything you wanted to know about Slytherin. So, how is it possible for her to be so unprepared? Shouldn't she feel like a Slytherin already? She had practiced begging cunning, but she was promptly punished for stepping out of line. She could have tried other things, things that define a Slytherin, but most of those things didn't seem to resemble her.

In fact, in her books it had send many infamous people were from Slytherin. One of those being the very own Voldemort. A name Winnie was never forbidden from saying like the rest of the world had been. That had actually been the only thing her parents had seemed pleased with her doing. She would often go out if her way to mention the mans name, only because it was the only time she had seen her parents expressions often. Even if it had only been momentarily.

But, Winnie wasn't like Voldemort. At least, she didn't think she was. Truthfully she believed it was entirely possible for her to be anything. She hadn't really ever gotten to know herself enough to know what she was. Certainly she didn't believe herself to be a dark lord, or even necessarily a bad person, but it seemed as though that was a requirement to become a Slytherin.

Her bright blue eyes gazed up ahead to the long blonde haired man that lead her out her front door. She was uneasy about his presence. It was hard to read his character. He had looked like a villain in a book. That's the only thing she knew what to compare him too. His pointed chin and nose and viscous smile that seemed to devour all other thought she had when he aimed it at her. That's when an idea grew in her.

"Sir." She said meekly. The man did not turn to face her when he spoke.

"Yes?" He asked curious at her sudden ability to speak to him. It seemed as though he had robbed her of that very ability when she failed to answer him. He had made her very nervous. The man finally tuned to face her with a raised brow, waiting for her to continue "Yes?" He repeated a little less curious.

"A-are you a Slytherin?" She asked with her toes facing each other and head towards the ground. He let out a small laugh.

"I was." He answered simply. Winnie nodded in response. "Why did you ask?"

"I just-" she began before stopping herself. Unsure if the right thing to say.

"Do you wonder how you'll become a Slytherin?" He wondered. Once again she only offered a nod. "Well, keep acting like this and you'll never be one." He then turned his heel and began walking away from the house once again. Winnie hastily walked forward to keep

up.

"A-acting like what?" She asked as they walked. Lucius turned and offered her a small smile.

"Like a wimp." He says. Winnie widened her eyes.

"A wimp?" She asked.

"A wimp." He repeats. "You're getting older now. You're going to be at Hogwarts alone. You're parents won't be there to shelter you any longer. Those kids will eat you alive if you act like that."

"How do I act like a Slytherin?" She asks hoping for a clear answer. Once their feet hit the concrete of the driveway Lucius extends his cain and halts her from walking any further.

"Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin." He speaks in a mocking tone "do you know any other words besides Slytherin?"

"Facetious." Winnie says. Lucius looks at her confused.

"Facetious?"

"It's another word I know." She explains "I just learned it."

"Facetious." Lucius laughs "you're quite funny."

"I am?" Winnie asks, almost sounding eager at the compliment. Though she hadn't said it to be funny.

"Not really." Lucius takes it back. With that he stomps his cain and teleports then to another location.

Winnie looks around with wide eyes as tried to take in the new surroundings. It was a small dusty crowded shop. It's lights were dimmed and it appeared to be a place Lucius Malfoy would not frequent.

"What are we doing here?" She asks confused.

"Come." Lucius commands as he leads her out the door. As soon as she stepped outside she was bombarded with people running in either direction. No one bothered to say 'excuse me' or 'pardon me' or even attempt to move out of each other's way. One man had slammed into Winnie so hard she was knocked into the wall behind her. Lucius grabbed her hand and lead her through the tough crowd of people.

"Quite rude aren't they?" He notes as he drags her along. Winnie nods her head in response, but noticed he isn't looking at her, therefore wouldn't know she was responding at all.

"Yes." She says out-loud, not wanting to appear rude like the other people around then. He then pulls her around a corner to a less crowded street where she could collect herself properly.

"Mudbloods." He spat as Winnie fixed her curls. It was a word she would often hear her father use to describe people. Though, she was unsure if its meaning.

"Sir?" Winnie asks "what is a mudblood?"

"You're father never taught you about mudbloods?" Lucius asks surprised. Winnie sucks in her lips not wanting to seem ignorant.

"Father never really teaches me things. I read them." She explains herself.

"A mudblood is something very different than you and me. A mudblood is a wizard that is born from muggles. Dirty little creatures they are." Lucius has sounded as though he could throw up at the thought.

"Well-" Winnie began timidly "what is wrong with that? And, how do you know they're all mudbloods?" She asked genuinely curious how he knew. Lucius's demeanor changed drastically. He had seemed to redirect his distain towards Winnie.

"Don't speak girl." He commands as he grabs her arm harshly and pulls her down the alleyway.

Winnie looked around as her legs tried to keep up with the man. She tried to read all the shops signs and logos to get a better understanding of what they were doing here, but the only one she could make out was the one Lucius had stopped in front of. In big red letters the sign read "Ollivander's". A place she had never heard of.

She wanted to ask what they were doing, but he had commanded her not to speak. So, she thought it best to remain quiet. When her parents would tell her not to speak sometimes she would wait days until they finally acknowledged her and allowed her to talk once again. It had been something she grew quite used to, therefore proved to not be too difficult.

Once inside the shop Winnie noticed walls upon walls coved in wands her eyes widened at the sight as she had never seen so many wands in one place before. In fact, she had only ever seen her parents wands in occasion. They were usually quiet secretive with them though. Never really allowing her to see any magic they performed.

"Hello, Lucius." Said an old man that sat behind a large wooden desk. "Who do we have here?" Winnie stood there awkwardly as the man inquired her name. Though, she did not want to speak until given strict permission as she was just told to be quiet.

"Girl." Lucius said as he smacked her back with his cain. She let out a smell yelp as the wood made contact with her clothed skin.

"I-I am Winnie Rose." She introduces herself.

"Winnie Rose?" The man repeats "I'm not familiar with the 'Rose' family?"

"Oh- uh- no Winnie Rose is my first name." She began "My full name is Winnie Rose Elway."

"Ah! Elway! My it's been years since I've heard that name! Not since you-know-who was defeated." The man exclaimed. Winnie rose a brow in confusion. What did that have to do with her parents?

"Yes, yes, yes we know. Now I am here to get this girl a Wand." Lucius chimed in changing the discussion.

"Yes of course." The old man says as he stand from his chair. "Come here girl. Let me get a good look at ya." He says. Winnie quickly obliges and rushed over to the man. He scans her face for a moment before turning towards a small shelf besides him. He slowly picks up a rather small wand and hands it to her.

"Hold this." He tells her. She reaches out and grabs the wood only for the wand to instantly shoot itself out if her hand. "Whoa!" Yelled the man at the sudden movement "never seen one reject someone so fast. Okay okay, no unicorn hair for you." The man then goes back to looking at his shelf and grabbing a much larger wand "how about this one?"

"It's big." Winnie says as she reaches our nervously to grab it. Hoping this one didn't explode also. As soon as her hand touched the wood a sudden heat filled her finger tips "it's warm-" she began "its hot! It's hot!" She yelled as she dropped the wand. The old man shakes his head.

"Huh, no Phoenix feather either, didn't think so anyway."

"Stop wasting time then." Lucius demands irritated. The old man only nods and waves him off.

"Wait-" He says suddenly. He then turns and faces Winnie once more with an intense look in his eye "it couldn't be.... could it?"

"Huh?" She wonders slightly scared and confused. The old mans spun around and headed towards the back of his shop before coming back with another smaller wand. He hold out his hands and gives it to Winnie, who hesitates when she grabs the final wand. And, to her relief, it neither explodes or burns her.

"How does it feel?" He asks eagerly. Winnie twirls the wand around for a moment before answering.

"I like it. I think."

"Larch Wood." He says "Dragon heartstring Core."

"Dragon heartstring?" Asks Lucius unconvinced "are you sure?"

"Made it myself."

"Huh." Lucius huffs "maybe you are a Slytherin."

Winnie spins around with a small smile but before she can speak the door swung open behind Lucius. Everyone in the room looks over to be met with a child around Winnie's age standing in the doorway. He possesses the same light blonde hair as Lucius, and the same pointy nose and chin. Only with a less subtle smile.

"Father." The boy speaks "I thought that was you. Me and mother have been looking for you all over the place."

"Draco come here." Lucius snaps his fingers. Draco quickly comes to his fathers side "l'd like you to meet Winnie Rose." Draco looks you up and down. Seemingly unsure if what to think.

"Hello." Draco Greets slightly standoffish. "My name is Draco."

"Hi." Winnie says "I am Winnie Rose Elway."

"You're the Elways daughter?" Draco asks as if he knows you. You raise a brow in confusion.

"Yes, Draco." Lucius confirms "Winnie I have asked Draco to accompany you to Hogwarts. That way neither of you will be going alone. It is his first year also."

"Yeah. Hopefully you get put in Slytherin because I am definitely going to be in Slytherin and I can't be hanging around anyone who's not." Draco says snobbishly.

"Why not?" Winnie asks confused.

"Pshhh." Draco laughed "haven't your parents taught you anything? I know our parents were good friends. And my dad always told me Slytherin are the best."

"That's Enough Draco." Lucius silences him "now lets go get you guys your pets so we can get the hell out of this dingy alleyway."

"Yeah Winnie, come on." Repeats Draco as the two blonde turn and head for the door. Winnie looks down at her new wand momentary before lifting herself up and eagerly rushing out the door behind them.

My wattpad:

[savitaa]

Sarah Feels Great After Losing 4 Stone

About Sarah

I have recently qualified as a primary teacher, having originally graduated with a Music degree.

I'm much more active now in the classroom than I was studying music as I am constantly on my feet and moving around.

"Being a musician is, in contrast, a fairly sedentary lifestyle. On the downside, staff rooms tend to contain large quantities of chocolate to keep the staff sane!"

I certainly gained the most weight once my husband Paul and I started to become more secure in our relationship, perhaps just from feeling comfortable and happy.

Now Paul tries to help me with my eating since he's the cook in the house, but we're both far from perfect so there are often major temptations to deal with.

Dieting History

I've always been chubby, and as such I've been dieting on and off for most of my life.

I tried Rosemary Conley and Weight Watchers as a teenager, and various attempts at self-restriction over the years.

At the start of 2005 I decided to make a change and lost 4 or 5 lbs myself through exercise. I then joined Slimming World and lost more weight between May 2005 and June 2006.

Both Weight Watchers and Rosemary Conley worked for me at the time and I lost a little bit of weight, but felt constantly hungry.

"I found they pushed me towards some unhealthy relationships with food, such as deliberately starving myself."

I also felt that the way they specified a 'healthy' weight for me was unrealistic. I don't think I'm designed to weigh 9 stone.

"Going it alone never really worked for me as I always lost motivation and whenever I fell off the wagon I gave in and didn't get back on again."

Slimming World, on the other hand, was extremely successful for me at the time, and I didn't put the weight back on in the 6 months between leaving Slimming World and joining wlr.

It allowed me to eat a lot of food whilst losing weight so I didn't have to deal with being hungry, and whilst I considered joining them again to lose this final bit of weight, I didn't feel like a group, or the kind of eating plan offered by them would suit me any more.

How being overweight has affected you…

Being overweight seriously affected my already pretty poor self-esteem and I have never really felt comfortable with my body, even now, and I still find it difficult to accept that I look good.

Oddly, however, it took me a very long time to admit how bad I had gotten, and I still have pretty mismatched perceptions of myself then and now.

"I found it impossible to buy clothes because I couldn't stand the sight of the lumps and bumps I had, but obviously couldn't magic them away with the “perfect” pair of trousers."

I often used my weight as a kind of punishment or reward system, saying things like 'When I'm a bit lighter, I'll get a gym membership/go back to training' because I was too embarrassed to be seen by all those healthy people, or 'I won’t buy any new clothes because I intend to get slimmer' and then never did.

Motivation to Diet

Originally I just couldn't stand to look at myself any more. I felt uncomfortable being naked with my partner, and avoided photographs at all costs and I just didn't think that was any kind of way to live as a 21 year old.

"Now I train in Muay Thai (Thai Kickboxing) and I really love it. It's a great way to get healthy and build your self-esteem."

I've started competing and as such I need to meet specific weight categories. If I'm too heavy I don't get to fight, so that's a good motivator!

It's as much about being healthy now as it is about being slim.

Sarah Before

How Weight Loss Resources Helps

Counting calories helping me to get a better perspective on my diet and create a better relationship with food, so that I can eat the things I want, just not all of them and not all the time!

The Best of Weight Loss Resources

I use the food diary and calorie database every day, and I use the message boards. There's a lot of support and knowledge to be shared and taken advantage of there!

Lifestyle Changes

I can go into any clothes shop now and guarantee that I will find something in my size that will look good, and which I will actually feel confident in.

I can look at myself in pictures and in the mirror without cringing and feeling the need to draw the curtains and never leave the house again.

"I don't feel ashamed of my appearance any more. There's nothing I wouldn't feel confident doing now because of my weight."

I'll join any club, take part in any activity and I'm much better at talking to strangers now that I feel proud of who I am and what I've achieved.

"I'm also learning how to take a compliment."

When people offer me a compliment about my figure I can believe them, instead of assuming they are making fun of me, and I can look them in the eye, smile and thank them.

Diet Changes

It's not so much about meals as it is about snacks for me. I always ate reasonably healthy meals. I just ate too many calories, and too often.

Typical Breakfast

Before: Raspberry flapjack and Red Bull ( c.500 Kcal)

Now: 2 Weetabix with skimmed milk and raspberries (c.170 Kcal) And I wondered why I was overweight!

Exercise Changes

I now train in Muay Thai 6 days a week, generally 7 hrs per week. I cycle everywhere, clocking up about 35 miles per week.

I try to run/stumble 3 times a week – c.5km per run.

Why do you think wlr has helped you lose weight where other diets have failed?

I think by giving me control and awareness of the food I'm eating, its calorie and nutritional content, and by showing me that I can eat “normally”, and still lose weight.

Sarah's Calorie Counting Tips

My main tip would be this: losing weight is not easy, but neither is it complicated.

I mean that people tend to ask me a lot how I lost the weight and reactions are generally split between jealousy and disbelief when I explain that to lose weight I ate sensibly and exercised regularly.

I think the people who are jealous think that I mean that it was easy, when it really wasn't. It isn't easy to take control of your diet when you've been so out of control for so long, and learning to say “no” to things is seriously hard.

The people who don't believe it think that there must be more to it than that, when there really isn't– eat less calories than you burn and you will definitely lose weight.

Just don't go overboard – eat your calorie allowance, don't be too hard on yourself, and remember it's necessary to have a treat occasionally!

Also, it's not the end of the world if you fall off the wagon every now and again, so long as you get back on again straight away.

Click now get Started https://bit.ly/3feNHht