#I'm scared af to share it irl but I will do it. I will feel better I believe.

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

Hello all. For the anniversary today, I decided to do something completely out of my comfort zone. I'll probably spend the rest of the day quietly grieving, but I'm a man of words, I wanted to express my gratitude.

I made a verrry bad guitar/singing cover of [die] on youtube. I hope next time I'll present to you something better. But I'm still proud, for even doing it.

I also wrote a very personal letter where I express my gratitude. I talk about stuff I've talked about here before, but today, I decided I'll share it with people who know me in real life too. I don't want to be ashamed of my love for Acchan when he completely changed my life.

I'll link the letter here:

I'll probably share the same on the official website, but make it way shorter and less personal.

I'll continue to cry and mourn, but I didn't want to avoid today. It's okay if you do! But this is the way how I cope with the pain.

Nevertheless, I wanted to make today into a day of gratitude besides mourning. Not only to Atsushi, but to all of you.

I'm incredibly thankful that I've joined this community, even if fairly late.

You all helped me so much, and I truly feel grateful to all of you. Thank you for spending sleepless nights with me crying and laughing, thank you for showing you care. Both non-mutuals and mutuals, I'm glad you are still here. 🤍

I hope we all can continue to support the boys, the 5 of them. 🤍

I wish to cherish these moments as long as I can, even with this lingering sadness.

Love you all, please take care of yourselves, rest a lot, and cry if needed. 🤍

[hibiscusseaart]

ok so i have some Tobirama thoughts cuz i watch Naruto rn and over analyzing everything

but whatever i need this character study to get my characterisation of him straight.

So basically I just thinking over what an ass Tobirama is towards the Uchiha clan

and a disclaimer: i love Tobirama he's my fav, I just want to understand him better and PLEASE share your own opinions too! i feel like im making a whole paper on him or smth

Tobirama was basically "I separated Uchiha in their own compound from the main cast of the village and ordered them to make a police force (and everyone knows how people "love" cops, especially in military settlement) not because I hate them. They're just dangerous and prone to mental instability (thinking of Madara much? Dude if ppl feel love intensely, and you don't, it fucking doesn't mean they're mentally ill). But I know some good Uchiha (Kagami who was under his command?? and Itachi who massacred the whole clan for the village????) so I don't hate Uchiha."

Like okay, he doesn't hate hate them, but he IS prejudged af. As much as I like to read stories where he isn't like this and kinda more forgiving, in canon he is an ass.

And honestly it makes sense for Tobirama to be like that (I'm not defending him, I'm just trying to lay his thought process down). Like he fought with Uchiha for most of his life and he doesn't have pink glasses on his nose like Hashirama. He knows they're dangerous and he learned to mistrust them since they're enemy.

And he has his own theories about Sharingan, but basically he thinks that bitches are so sensitive, they can't handle a little hurt and loss.

I honestly think that he's wrong, like I think Sharingan awakens by high levels of stress (maybe cortisol levels shoot up suddenly?) Tobirama is only one man who tried to understand that and he barely interreacted with Uchiha personally.

Ok i just found this but bitch really came up with this theory based on rumors. Dude, please stop spreading misinformation.

Though we don't know their medical progress at this point, so maybe he really didn't know? Like he didn't have enough medical knowledge to get this theory straight. He has his special interest in making jutsu and you don't need to know people well enough. You just need to know how to kill them effectively.

Also, dude, if you (or maybe Senju in general) don't react as strong as the Uchiha, it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or cursed.

Oh and Tobirama thinks he's done GOOD for Uchiha. I mean his brother thinks it's slight for the Uchiha to get separated, living near prison and being avoided by village since they're the police force, but for Tobirama it's a job well done cuz it helped the village. He's a practical man who doesn't even think about feelings like that.

I think with Konoha he kinda played the game like SimSity but IRL. Optimised and used the resources he had to do the best working village. You don't think about sims' feelings when you make them pay higher taxes or make them live near dumpster just cuz you think it's okay and they will manage, right?

Before it was his brother to care for this kind of stuff. But then he died (how the fuck btw? I hc it was a disease but damn in some timelines he died when he was like 42 but damn WHAT could've killed The God of Shinobi) and Tobirama stayed alone. I assume his family wasn't much help and they had a 1st war near, so Tobirama had to work fast and efficient.

just a funny strip "You don't know him like I do"

I think Tobirama was also offended at Madara since he tried to destroy the village he put a lot of work into (lets be real, Tobirama doing most of administrative work is basically canon, not a headcanon, it sits way too right)

Plus I think Tobirama like many people was impressed + scared of Madara. Like he's crazy strong and ofc you're afraid, I get it. But Madara is an exception, not the rule. He's just a freak of nature + I think being Indra reincarnation had its influence too. It's not the whole Uchiha clan, but Tobirama judges them like he'd judge Madara.

Maybe he's a bit paranoid. Understandable since being a ninja and it's what keeps you alive, but this lack of trust really showed through all of the history between Tobirama and Uchiha clan.

Okay maybe hc territory, but I think Tobirama doesn't get emotions much in general. He's very autistic coded and, being on the spectrum myself, I can get where he's coming from. I trained my empathy cuz not having one is considered wrong. Tobirama probably didn't cuz no one told him to or he didn't consume this type of content in his childhood (i trained myself by cartoons lol). He cares, but he doesn't get feelings and makes these kinds of theories, based on rumors (damn dude fact check please).

Maybe since he doesn't get emotions much he's used to depend on other people in this regard? Like people start saying these rumors and he watches himself and is like "Yeah that seems possible" especially since Madara got his big drama time about Izuna. He has big feelings = has strong Sharingan. It is plausible.

I dont think Tobirama wanted to check it for sure, since 1) WHO will let the White demon near their precious eyes to help him understand how they work; 2) it's not his point of interest. he had village to run, jutsu to make, kids to teach. the bitch was busy and it's only 24 h/day

so yeah Tobirama had his reasons but he's an ass lol. like dude did start this chain of Uchiha slander and then when they were massacred he was like "Oh boohoo they self destructed what a pity" DUDE 😭

[loulines]

I got my anniversaries mixed up.

Fuck.

Not that it matters. The thing on June 21st was something I confessed to someone which started a series of things that made me end up in therapy. Still ironic.

My fandom anniversary is about a week later. Can't really remember when exactly anymore.

Again, it doesn't matter.

I survived my first ever therapy session, that's what matters.

Normally I wouldn't write about it, in fact I haven't really felt like talking about the details for the couple of days, not even to my friends. My family doesn't even know I went there.

The only reason why I want to publicly speak about it is because I know there are many people like me who are struggling and on the verge of breaking apart, but they're too afraid to start therapy, or procrastination and executive dysfunction are kicking their ass. I can only hope to inspire at least one person.

I'd rather not talk about how I even got to that point aside from the thing I mentioned earlier because this should stay private. But it was that and also years of other unfortunate events that shaped me into the miserable wreck I am today.

I've been considering starting therapy when things were still somewhat "not great not terrible", but since I was terrified of talking to anyone, I did everything I could to not find a specialist.

Then, when I actually seriously considered getting the appointment, I have already done things I was even more scared to talk about with a stranger because therapist or not, the last thing I needed was to have someone confirm that I did morally wrong and unforgivable things...

And of course living in a hell of a homophobic country doesn't help either.

Hundreds of mental breakdowns later, and buckets of tears I've cried, my irl friend told me that I should really look for someone to help me. My first reaction was of course, "no way I will do it," but then she told me that she's looking for a therapist herself too. And she told me about her ways to look for someone.

So eventually I spent some time on research, wrote down some names and then left it like that without making an appointment.

It was fine. I did the first step anyway and that was what mattered. A few days later I was getting out of another meltdown and then I just... I grabbed my ipad, went back to the list and made an appointment with the therapist that "seemed" to be the best for me.

And that was it.

I almost started crying while I was signing up because it felt like I was making a life changing decision. And idk... Maybe because I finally agreed with myself to get the professional help I've been avoiding so much in the past.

On the day of the appointment I was stressed AF but it hit the catalyst 15 minutes before. I thought I would pass out and I don't know if it was my nerves or the heatwave or both.

And then it happened. Again, I don't want to share any details. Some things got clearer right away and made me feel calm now, the rest is still confusing. I definitely need more sessions. I might attend them feeling less stressed though. Hopefully.

I don't want to draw any conclusions now. I don't want to examine myself in search of finding immediate changes in me and my POV... That's gonna take a while and just because I've been feeling slightly better for a few days and not s**c*d*l (as usual) doesn't mean I'm already fixed. I'm not. I'm still beyond broken and more than confused.

Tbh I know absolutely nothing about mental health. All the attempts at trying to understand what is happening to me or others were only making things worse. I used to think I can DIY my own therapy without stepping out of my comfort zone. I cannot.

Had I started therapy earlier, say 8 months earlier, maybe I would be in a very different situation right now. And the people that were affected by my mental fuck up would be as well. Maybe things would be so much better now. I will never know. Time can't go in reverse, what's done is done. The only thing I can do now is to trust a specialist and hope I chose the right one.

And wait.

For days, weeks, months, maybe years...

Until life is good again.

[radioblonde]

so I'm starting this here

I'm just some other happy, free, confused, and lonely junior in college who didn't understand how perfectly aligned those four words were back in 2012 when Red (OG and ONLY version) was released.

So, I'm taking a rhetoric of pop culture class (pop cultural analysis thru the lens of Taylor Swift AAH!) that has inspired me to finally join Tumblr after the literal decade I've spent taking influence, in every single way, from this damn site.

Like, why haven't I been blogging my life down forever? What the fuck is the use of a journal anyway? jk #diaries4ever

I write a lot about the things that I'm blessed to experience. and I'd love to share for whoever might relate or love it themselves.

I spoke to my about this last week. I used to get insecure when speaking up about my opinion sometimes, like I wouldn't say the right things or hurt the wrong feelings. She told me that sometimes--people forget that we're all going through the same shit. some are more scared than others, but only because the others were once just as scared too. we all move past it someday. So as it turns out, all those ppl were actually right when they said comparison is the thief of joy. we've all got things to say and do, whether independently or with ppl alongside. if it's in words, it's in the world. Why tuck it away in your own world, when nothing's as it seems even in the real world? We learn best when put into practice. So fuck it.

separate thought, but remember needing to put "Tumblr" when searching up anything online? it was literally the only way. why did Tumblr even fall off like that. I feel like it's so creatively unique. I get the surface-level mainstream community online kinda giving up on it, but how abt the writers, creatives, and artsy girls of our generation? are they on it, and I'm just late af??

I used to have one of those Tumblr summer bucket list accounts with my best friend growing up...without actually using Tumblr. in all fairness, we were literally on the internet at like 10 years old. a pre-teen can only learn so much at once LOL.

I started stanning Taylor Swift when her and I stopped being friends. In like 2014. iconic ass time. even tho I was literally 11, I'm so nostalgic over it lol. I wanted to be a teenager then so bad. I wonder how I'll feel about high school in 2019-2022 in the future--If that nostalgia could ever beat Tumblr nostalgia (and that's coming from someone who lived vicariously thru it on IG!)

her and I were besties for like all of high school. but our second breakup, end of senior year, was the realest. everything and everyone was embarrassing. especially me. Lowkey depressing. So, I left Miami for college, excited to meet new people or new vibes... until I eventually realized that I've never comfortably fit in anywhere just yet. Maybe I should just blame Florida. or maybe it's cause I've been made to believe I'm not Latina enough (that's bs. Ik where I come from). maybe it's all bs, and I just need to finally move to NYC with Chan, my childhood bestie. all I know is that it doesn't really matter what city I'm in if I know where I wanna go.

Third year now. Still got Taylor. and I've come to love those random experiences and memories that once felt like blades puncturing my lungs. the bright side of every situation is actually, really cute. cause fr, apart from irl limits or calamity, what you see is what you get.

Anyways, I'm bringing back Tumblr, if it's even as dead as it seems rn.

[junebbugs]

〔 Sun. ≈ Sep.8; 〕

I just slept while sober for the first time in months... and ofc I immediately had a wierd af dream lol. (When I'm high I dont have dreams-)

Maybe I should start a sort of dream journal section of this blog? Could be fun I suppose. (And encourage me to stop so I have more dreams to share!)

(Description of my dream below the cut)

~ To start it off, I was in some kind of combination hotel and mall. There were some other people there, but very few... me and my husband had a hotel room together, and my parents & 2 brothers had their own room right beside ours. There were a handful of other people there but I didnt pay much attention to them even though I did interact with at least one at some point... I think he was annoying everyone by doing something, but I forget what it was now-

~ I think it was in a different realm somewhat like the backrooms, and we were all stuck inside. People were still trying to find ways out, but we had lived there for a while and generally got used to it, so we werent completely panicking at that point. We got anything we needed like food and such from the mall area.

~ At some point, I went exploring in the hotel section alone, and ended up in a bunch of small infinite hallways with turns that went nowhere, or just to another hallway. I was lost in a maze of plain hallways very much reminiscent of the backrooms, yet I didnt feel scared at all, more just curious.

~ Then sudden timeskip to me being in the center of the mall area. (Its implied I found my way back, but my brain just skipped that part.) There were many shops lining the walls yet I dont remember what any of them were at all, they werent the focus. The center of the area I was in had one of those decorative plant sections with a bench sitting along the left edge of it. I cant remember the exact placement of everything, but there was some small ribbony type grass, some bushes, maybe a few flowers here and there? And at least 2 very small palm trees which looked fake somehow, but were clearly real when inspected closer. It was eerily still and quiet in there and I felt more afraid there than anywhere else in this space.

~ THEN.... skip again, and I'm in the hotel room me and my husband shared. He wasnt there, but his phone was, and I grabbed it to look through it. Almost immediately I found a video of him cheating on me which I actually saw a few seconds of in the dream. Then I woke up.

(For some context on that last part, around 2 years ago now, my husband did cheat on me [on twitter only, nothing irl] and I found the evidence on his phone. Things have been bad since then and we currently dont even live together... so yeah, that didnt just come from nowhere.)

[1111jenx]

What is having Uranus in the 7th like for you?

Hey love!

Ahaha I get this question a lot:D The fact that I have Aquarius DC AND Uranus 7th house have always sit right with me like Oh so thats why I'm like this💀💀💀and I've made peace with it😀 jk but I'll be more than happy to share you some small notes<3

🪐Uranus in the 7th🪐

(personal experience obv)

(also I'm into men so I'll be regarding my subjects of interest as he/him 🥰

Idealistic. I don't want a romance thats like anyone else and I hate feeling mundane if that makes sense LOL. I want someone who can be as quirky as they can with me and once they show me how much of a mad genius they are, I'll fall in love so hard y'all.

Introverts and Ambiverts 4ever. Perhaps this is wayy more of a personal preference but I have always believe in balancing out energy haha (Venusian household thing) And I don't like dating people who are too similar to me! I like men that are different from me and we can complete one another and therefore this create more growth for both sides😋 I'm an extrovert so I like them to be calmer and less out-going haha we can't have 2 jenx in the same room can we now

I notice a lot of fellow Uranus 7H are into open romances but my Leo Venus really grounds me tbh, I love too hard and for me love is so personal and intimate I don't see myself sharing my partner with anyone else:D Not counting casual flings ofc!!

Very progressive in terms of dating. I literally don't care about someone's past when I date them, I once joke about how unless you committed certain crimes (yes i said certain) and I do end up falling for you, then it is what it is. My prideful Leo venus would talk me out of it though especially if I don't see a future with you LOL

Attracting too much flighty people 💀💀 Like I know how I come off to others and while I do have a harder side to me, I also look for partners I can emotionally rely on (Venus 12H) in the long run:D Yet when I was younger I was around too much of them and it was draining for me as I always give my 100% when I'm invested

Attracting too much possessive people💀💀 I'm territorial, not jealous. Like honestly for me trust is something I care so much in relationships and I prefer my partner to earn it and I would never ever enter a committed relationship that lacks trust as a foundation🤣 I understand jealously but I don't think I find it cute like a lot of other placements, I think I get more scared?💀💀 Like oh ok what do you want now? Ofc its different but I'd rather my partner to talk to me if they feel such way rather than emotionally projecting their insecurities on me y'all

Issues with intimacy. Even in friendships, I need my space dawg. I take 3-5 business days when something traumatic happened and another day to resolve it. I would resurface a week or so and my friends, esp new ones are always mad MAD HAHAHAHAH and I feel so bad but I struggle to open up so much esp during my more vulnerable moments

Issues with the idea of love. You see this is where my aspects contradict. I believe in transparency and committed relationships yet I lowkey don't believe in DECADES LONG love as a result. I think this is me trauma dumping due to certain stuff I have witnessed when I was younger but all the cheating and stuff from couples that have been tgt for 30+ years rly make me question love lol. I think its so much different than marriage like for me I don't associate love with marriage at all and I think it takes other things aside love for something to work out in the long run, its also respect and trust, and wayyy deeper than what I'm barely scratching the surface here:D

Independent and confident people > everyone else. I like nerds LOL i'm not gonna lie brain is hot af. I think it takes time for people to be confident but people who are self-awared and are persistent with their goals is just *chefs kiss*

Literally mayb this is a Uranus 7H thing but I have had so many people coming up to me irl and tell me I'm the most unique friend they have ever had?😀 Since 7H briefly talks about close friendships and Uranus is.. well Uranus so I can't blame em💀

Ahhh I just woke up so I will rb this and continue this later boo:D But here are some of my experiences with this placement and while sometimes I do think its a curse, its a blessing at the end:) Working with 7H energy is not just understanding how others see and view you but also how you see yourself. I find myself attracting people who are shy away from the spotlight a lot and usually are not big fans of too much attention from the public(i can't relate lol), but therefore this speaks sm about me doesn't that mean I like to be the center of the attention then😀😀😀😀😀😀 HAHAHAH here are some very scattered lines of thoughts, hope you enjoy this beautiful 💕

love,

saint jenx🪐

[cheemken]

Hello! I'm sorry for bothering, but is it okay to ask for your side on your and Pandora's love story? You guys are so sweet! I wish the best for you guys!

Well hello to you too hahah

And my side, ghm? Well,,, it's gonna be a trip since I just woke up and I'm doing this all in one go so I hope it makes sense at the end hahahah

Anyways owo

Twas a fine, lovely afternoon—

No really, it was. Like... I was scrolling through the comments of my old fics and I saw,, Bella commented hahah

And I was all "oh cool :3"

Then a lil skip and I saw her, pandora-dusk, commenting on the post I have of the fic and I was all "huh.. is this the same person??" I thought it was, she's all "I found it!" Or smth, and hey said the fic was dope and I was all "omf is this secretly a famous person—"

So I checked her blog, and I was all, "yeah okay I feel this person is famous so why is she talking to me cjskcbskdn"

But like,, yeah,, twas dope hahah

And we only get to talk in the replies because I refuse to talk to someone famous cause I'd embarrass myself owo

But then, in one of our chats in the notes and such, she mentioned how she draws and such and I was all "NFKSNDKSN YOU DRAW :D" and hey, I told her that people would absolutely love her art and such and yeah, surprise surprise, she posted her drawings and I was all ":0!!!! YO DAS SO COOL!" And then I remember reblogging it and had some on my save tag hahaha

It's so dope hahah

But y'know what happened next? The lil shit Tumblrbot messaged me and I low-key panicked cause "omf did I do smth wrong am I getting kicked out of Tumblr???" You can tell my mind was racing, but when I saw their message and they just "hey, you liked pandora-dusk's post, you should try talking to her owo" and I was all "hahah w h a t—"

Legit it took me a while to actually try to message her cause I was just "hhhHhnnn okay but what if she's busy and she finds it annoying omfs cjsmxjsm"

But hey I just up and "fuck it, if I managed to message Dee despite them being famous too, why not her?" So I sucked it up and yeah, messaged her hahaha

If you saw Pan's post, then yeah, you'd see how it went down

Anyways yeah, after that, we didn't talk much and every time I check my notifs, my thumb just hovers over her icon cause I still wanna talk to her and such, but I feel like I'm annoying her, so I just wait for replies and such hahah

Tis sad, but hey

Then that thing with Jane Angst™ happened, and good lord the reblogs jcsmjdks hahahaha

It escalated to the point we made the Knight and the Princess and we finally took it to the DM's cause hah, the reblogs were getting long hahah

AND OH MY GOD

Okay so we made progress with the lil story of the Knight and Princess, yeah? I fucking shit you not, I did not sleep because of that hahahah

I think yesterday, yeah, we were talking about this ask and it went to that thing of us with the Princess and Knight, and I told her that I didn't sleep for her just to try to finish that, that's how special she was and I didn't even know her yet–

But hey yeah, another mini skip

Then more shit happened to me, I didn't sleep and twas already two, and then.. she messaged me hahah

And then told me so many things and I discovered more about her too

And I could feel myself falling for her

Do you know how scary that was hahaha

She's so amazing.. no chance, yeah? I convinced myself that there's no chance. As if we'd meet. As it she'd like me. No one likes me like that irl, so why would she like me? She doesn't even know me.

But,,, ehhh,,, idk man. Couldn't stop myself hahah

She's just so nice and so dope and so understanding. She's so caring, so talented, and just.. she's amazing in general. And that scared me so much hahaha

Cause I'm nothing owo

I always like people with no chance of liking me back and I've been hurt so much hahah

But did I continue liking her anyways? Yep.

It didn't help that after drawing human Tumblrbot, Al— well,, star anon during that time, sent asks how Pan and I are kinda T's parents and oh my god I was all "that's so fucking adorable but hhHhhH is she comfortable with this cjskjdk" then I saw her actually draw shit for T too and I was just ":'0!!" And yeah, I started falling more and more hahah

Everyday I couldn't stop thinking about her, but I keep telling myself to just forget her cause "there's no chance. No one likes you irl, why expect she'd like you? Once she sees what you look like, she's gonna be disgusted. Disgusted probably like everyone else." And that broke me.. cause hah.. I really did like her, but yeah, we don't talk much so I just "ehh.. sure.."

But did I really stop? Nah.

Look I fell hard jcksjxksns

And hey I kept gushing about her to the GC and to my best friend hahaha

Dee actually thought Pan and I were dating and I was all "hah, I wish—"

And then my best friend was all "omf you have a gf na without telling me—" but hey I told her we weren't together and she was all "WHAT??? BUT?? YOU TWO ARE SO SWEET???"

And yeah hahaha

Another timeskip

Like,, Halloween?? Yeah hahah

Halloween onwards

We started talking more and more and oh my god I fell h a r d

I get to know more about her and the more she shared the more I fell and like,,, the more I see her as herself hahah

And god, she's so amazing

She might not believe it, but she is

And everyday I keep telling her how she's so great, basically, I was trying to flirt with her hahahahah

Cause like,, there might be a small ass chance yeah? Yeah hahah

And hey,, we talked and such, and,, hahah it seems like we were together but not. I told her that when we finally meet, I'm taking her out on a date hahah

And yeaahhhhh,,,

Another mini skip, now it's November, and hah, the eleventh came and on the twelfth, we had like this swab test and such and I was scared af and I just "hhhnnn might as well"

So take note, in my part it's like?? What?? Twelve? Eleven going on twelve am

But in hers it's the afternoon still

DO YOU KNOW HOW COLD MY HANDS WERE

So yeah, I confessed to her hahah

AND YO

SHE ACTUALLY??? LIKES ME BACK????

GODDAMN JCSKJXKSNXKSNS

And yeah owo

I messaged my bestfriend first about it cause she was still online and yeah we celebrated hahahaha

But yeah, then we talked more, we saw what each other looked like (y'all she's so fucking pretty cjskjdks like goddamn) and surprisingly, she doesn't think I look like shit, then we called, and hcksjdksjs

It was just so great hahaha

And hey, yeah, we got to know more about each other and boom, we be here now owo

I hope that suffices cause my memory be shit and I probably missed a few but hey hahah

[bowl-of-shortness]

*Sending this anonymously since I'm not out* (please don't try to out me, I will cry. If you think you might know who I am, pls don't ask if you're right. I have anxiety and I'm scared to share this as is)

So what you said about being asexual and demiromantic and not feeling like you can contribute to conversations, I FELT that.

I feel like the only way to join conversations about attractive people is by lying. I feel so guilty because I have never figured out what else to do. They all just look like people?

I've literally created a checklist in my head of society's standards because I have no idea what else to judge on. Calling everyone beautiful feels so fake but to me they just... are. People are only "ugly" to me when they're mean. Like to me, beauty is based on personality and I dont understand how other people do it. How can you rate a face without a story? (Like I can only do that when I assume things about people's lives based on their looks??? And it's normally wrong assumptions because "don't judge people based off looks alone" is correct??? Yet people just... do this? Like "they're hot" but isn't that what you're not supposed to do, like???)

I recently came out to my best friends as ace, and even then, they still bring it up every time they're rating people or talking attractive characters, as in the "we know you have no opinion or whatever" and I hate it. Like now that they know I'm ace, it feels like they're actively pushing me out of conversations or want to see what an ace rates them as. (They wouldn't if I asked, but it's kinda fun to participate, I feel more normal. Even if I am just lying) I feel a bit uncomfortable rating people because they think it's based of asthetics but to me I'm just making up numbers. (Its less lying now that they know I'm not sexually attracted to people, but it still hurts. It's nice that they recognize I don't relate and I'm not banning a conversation topic, it just hurts and I'll just take it silently instead of making a fuss. I guess this is just what I was just born to endure, huh.)

Literally, people used to ask me if my ex (SO at the time) was cute or whatever and I always said yes. I was making it up because ya know, I didn't feel that way. I had NO sexual attraction to them but I sold that lie to be normal. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am asexual recently, almost a year to the date I broke up with the only SO I ever forced myself to have. (That tale is a tragedy and I have massive amounts of guilt for the lies I told them to sell that I was a normal hetero cis person. I did so much wrong by them and I hope someday I can forgive myself for it.)

I thought I was bi when I first let myself belive I'm not a normal straight because I felt the same level of attraction across the gender spectrum. (I accepted how I felt about the person of the opposite gender was a crush and then realized I felt the same way about someone of the same gender. That was a crisis) Zero equals zero, wasn't really lying.

Anyway, all that to say that:

You are valid and realateable AF. Conversations about attraction is so uncomfortable and isolating and I'm so thankful you're brave enough to bring it up

I'm also really trying to figure out if I'm panromantic, or demiromantic, or whatever and I'm unsure what to do. Why can't there just be an accurate uquiz.... :(

Like, I think I may be demi something because I have literally only ever had "crushes" on my best friends. I'm not 100% sure what a crush is, but I'm assuming that when I tell myself "don't think of your friends like that, that's wierd" that I'm just mad at myself for acquiring a crush on my bestie.

I have no one to talk to about this because they are firm believers in not dating friends (both have been burned) and I am terrified they'll find out that I can't imagine a relationship with anyone other than a best friend. Like what do I do? I'm so tired fam. I don't think they will be mad if I tell them I'm demi romantic (I'm currently going with panromantic since that just seems easier) and I'm scared they'll find out I realized my sexuality through crushed I had on them, since they're opposite genders and I've had the same "crush" on both of them.

Only wanting romance with friends is so hard because to most people, friends aren't for dating but for talking about potential dates and I hate it.

It's nice to know that I'm following a fellow ace person who gets the romantic struggle. I think you're an icon, and I'm glad that you're in a place where you can be out.

I know we're not close or anything, but I'm really happy to know that there's someone else out there who I can relate to when I can't say a word anywhere else. I hate keeping up the charade, but I'm not in the kind of place where I can drop it. If you're interested in my situation and why I'm forever closeted, I've got quite the tale. but I've ranted enough here. (I won't force my life story on you, I know you want a positive blog and this ramble isn't very positive. I can shut up and vanish if you never want to hear from me again)

Thanks for having your anons on <3

I wish I could dm you and just chat (if you were even interested) but I can't (IRL people know my Tumblr and I dont want to make a new one unless it's necessary.) If there's anything you wanna chat about, I hope I stumble across it on my dash. I hope its okay if I hide behind anon asks.

Thanks for representing people like me. Sorry for the ramble, I guess I needed to get more off my mind than I realized. Thanks for being a safe space to vibe for a while. It's nice to be around other, perfectly valid people like me. I look up to you in a sense ♡

(But seriously, if this is too much drama and you don't want me to do this again, you don't even need to post this I won't bother you again without your consent)

I- wow.

That’s really all I can say.

I’m very glad that you feel just as recognized here as an asexual as you should be. And I know what every single one of these struggles is like. Personally, I never Liked to force things onto myself which has been Both a blessing and a curse.

It’s great because I don’t have to deal with a relationship but over time people stop wanting to be around you for it. But eventually, I found a friend group who respected what I did and didn’t want to talk about. And unfortunately even though some people may be nice and friendly to you, that doesn’t mean that you and that person are going to click.

I think you might want to start being more open about not wanting to talk about these things when you’re around them, and if that’s scary and difficult, start small. I get it. But the more you stay quiet and the more morning is going to change.

So yea, I don’t mind the ask! I guess I didn’t even realize that me just openly existing as Aspec was a huge thing to a lot of people, so I’m glad I could help, I hope everything gets better for you anon. Have a lovely day/afternoon/evening 💖💖💖

[nightandstarlight]

Also I'm worrying big time about my current bff cause earlier today I watched a film about two friends who kinda have a fallout because one of them is a lesbian and doesn't talk about it with the other until the other finds out everyone else knows except her cause there one that's gay has a blog where she talks about it or whatever so then there's trust issues and drama etc etc until they get finally ~communicate and fix things and like idk I haven't had a conversation with my bff in weeks and even when we do talk is pretty bland and superficial and not at all like what we used to be with each other and I'm scared it's all because I'm keeping this totally not small detail about me from her and thus sabotaging the only meaningful thing I have left in my life