#I'm rooting for you. I don't know your struggles but this year has the potential of things becoming so much better for you

[yeleltaan]

// Happy New Year everyone! I hope this year treats you kindly, that you find fulfillment in the fruit of your efforts and that you feel very loved!

[luimagines]

Congarts on the two year old blog!

If it's fine, can I request a FD sky in the royal au; just getting to know reader, flustering them at every turn and being a genuine menace to them

-🍄

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Masterlist

Content under the cut!

You didn't know what to do with the man that sat across from you.

If you could even call him a man.

His hair was stark white, perfectly accented by the bright red feathers in his hair as it draped over his shoulders. He had a pearlescent cape with a design of the country's emblem on the back. His clothes were about as casual as you could get when speaking to the King.

He's wearing black pants at least but his shirt holds the regality of the royal family. It's also white with stars and moons embroidered in golds around the edges with swirls that connect from one side of the tapestry to the next. It looks almost like a story was woven directly into the fabric. You're tempted to read it, but you don't want to be seen openly ogling the King in his own house.

His eyes were just as white as his hair with no sign of which direction he would be looking in, but it was clear to every hair that stood up at the back of your neck that he was very much watching you. More so than you were watching him.

A shaky hand reaches for the tea cup he's order to be served to you. You're not sure why you're here or what he wants with you, but he seems relaxed at least.

But you don't know what that means for you, so you're still a nervous wreck.

"I hear that your bakery is the best in my kingdom." He says after a beat once you set your tea cup back on the little saucer. You try to focus on that instead of the booming voice that threatened to pour into your very veins.

The cup has a beautiful floral pattern. It looks like porcelain but you could be wrong. The beautiful forget-me-not pattern echoes on the saucer below. the swirling flowers are beautifully painted.

But you feel dizzy and nauseous in an instant.

You put the cup away.

"Thank you... Your Majesty." You finally answer him. "I wouldn't personally say it's the best. but business has been good and your people have treated me nicely."

"My people?" There's an up tilt to his words and you have the slightest suspicion that there's humor in his words, but you struggle to read him.

"Yes." You answer calmly. "Your people."

"Are you not one of my people?" He picks up his own tea cup and takes a sip. You feel like running away.

"I'm not originally from here." You bite your lip and grip the seat beneath you. Every fiber in your being is telling you to run for it. But you're rooted to the spot.

The king nods and tilts his head as if in thought. "I suppose your accent would check out in that regard."

He says nothing as he takes another sip of his tea. Can't you just go home already?

"I'm having a party." He says at last. "I was hoping you'd be willing to cater it."

You feel your heart stop as relief threatens to melt you into a puddle. It's just business. You can do business. "O-oh... is that all?"

He nods once more. "I'd like a list of your menu and potential skills outside of your typical armory. I'm sure it goes without saying that you should bring the best of your accomplishments."

You can feel your nerves stealing in you as he speaks. You'll show him. These will be the best of the best. "Of course. I've never disappointed a costumer. I don't plan on starting now."

This time he actually smiles. "Perfect. May I ask for the estimate? I plan on giving a hefty down payment first-"

"No. For free." You cross your arms, ignoring the tea.

He stills, clearly not expecting that. His eyes don't obviously dart to you but the energy changes. The hair on the back of your neck stand up once more but you're not willing to budge on this.

"...I don't think so." He says calmly. "I pay for the full deal. I don't accept handouts."

"It's not handouts." You try to not glare at him. "It's exposure. The business that would result from this would payback tenfold the amount it would take to cater your party."

He frowns and stares at you as if you've said something dumb. "...I'm paying."

"No, you're not." You cross a leg to emphasize the point.

The King tilts his head. "Yes. I am. End of discussion."

"No you're not." You feel it in yourself to be indignant.

"Yes." He's smiling but you're not sure what to think about it. "I will pay the full price one way or another. I've enjoyed our chat but I'm afraid I've got other matters to attend to."

"That's a shame." You shrug. "Because this conversation isn't over until you let me do this for free."

The King of the land stops as he gets to his feet and kisses your cheek. "Then I suppose I'll simply have to invite you again, my dear. I'll see you soon."

You freeze and stay rooted to the spot once more as he leaves the room.

Your tea has gone cold by the time you're escorted out of the castle. This wasn't exactly what you had in mind- nor are you confident in yourself to keep surviving interactions with this powerful man.

Why couldn't he just have dropped it?

[pinehutch]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤

Thank you for tagging me!

I should be honest: I am not much of a fic writer. This isn't self-effacing; I've been reading fic since the early aughts but only have 10 works on ao3. One of them is a poem. One of them is a few hundred words of something I've never finished.

That said, fic is important to me for a lot of reasons, but one is that in 2016 I started following a tumblr for a Dragon Age fic exchange, and in 2017 I wrote the first fiction I'd written in almost 20 years. I had been struggling to write poetry for about 10 years before that, too, and fic writing was part of my path back to writing at all.

This isn't to say that I think fanfic is valueless unless it results in 'original' writing; every story happens in context, and we all know how the lines between fanwork and original work blur, both in fan spaces and in commercial ones. But my particular, personal fondness for fic is because it gave me a path back to the first best thing of my life, which was language, and what we do with it.

With that said, my personal top five (links in titles):

Fundamental Forces (or, Root Causes)

Literally my first fic. This was when I remembered that writing can be fun. It's Dragon Age fic, femHawke/Varric. It's also written with a focus on Hawke's POV, a thing I think I pulled off quite well and have never attempted again. It's very silly. It features a 40-year-old and a 35-year-old being profoundly bad at emotional honesty. I riff on turnips for a while. It has a happy ending, which should surprise no one.

She breathed in through her nose and her eyes fluttered shut. “Kiss me, you idiot. Before they think I’m horrified.” Their first kiss. Quick and mostly chaste and part of a joke. She thought it was fitting.

Chapter Last

This is also T-rated Hawke/Varric, written for the same exchange, a year later. It's about near-misses, and trying again, and not being able to pick up where you left off, and it's stumbling back onto the path later, unexpectedly, and after having found another way. It is about stories, and why we do them.

It's fic of the games, of course, but in a way it's also fic-of-fic: there's a novella that's both a tie-in novel and a diegetic book in the Dragon Age setting, and it was printed irl the summer before I wrote this fic.

What I'm proud of, with this story, is character voice. Whenever I share any Varric-voice writing, even years later, people always say very generous things. Varric's also a writer, canonically, and I had fun mimicking 'his' style in passages of this, and trying to keep in mind how his writing and his inner narration would align and diverge. (Lots of Dragon Age fans are understandably thirsty about Varric; I think I've always found him relatable, in many ways, and it didn't occur to me to thirst. But I love him.)

I don't love the structure; I chaptered this, and way more than I needed to. I'd love to rewrite it, someday, but I also think it's good for me to sit with the awareness of its imperfections and the knowledge that people have loved it anyway.

Afterimage (there are two colours)

The Magnus Archives fic, E-rated. Basira/Daisy. This was meant to be a single installment in a series - I think I have a 20,000 word 'outline' in my gdocs, still, but I'm unlikely to ever finish it. The point of this story is self-indulgent, purple-prose, dreamy smut. Wanting the thing and having it, but not keeping it.

This was baby's first E-rated fic ever written. I have no explanation for this, either.

Transformative Work

Written for the 2022 OFMD Big Bang with @mia-ugly. Mostly Frenchie/Jim, a bit Jim/Oluwande, a bit Frenchie/Oluwande, a light sprinkling of polycule potential.

Transformative Work is my favourite thing I've posted to ao3 for three reasons.

It's 40k! I never finish longer works, so 40k is a big deal to me.

I think it's actually brilliant. Clever as hell, at minimum. But mostly brilliant.

It's collaborative!

Writing has always been a solitary thing for me; one of the things I love about Mia is how we can get on a wavelength about a story. (This is mostly a them trick: they're an excellent collaborator and instigator, in general.) I wasn't at my best when we were writing this, dealing with undiagnosed health issues and workplace burnout and an accumulation of grief, but it was beautiful and joyful work, in the end.

Also, I think it is almost exactly what we wanted it to be, and that is such a high.

Number 5 is a bit of a cop-out but still:

Remember when I said "we all know how the lines between fanwork and original work blur"? This is a poem I started writing when Succession 4.3, "Connor's Wedding" aired. I was in a worst spot than I had been the previous year, health-wise, grief-wise.

The title of this poem, "My Father's Dead and I Feel Old," comes out of Connor Roy's mouth in the episode. I had to pause the episode and just get pummeled by that perfect, simple line of iambs. I was a wreck, just generally. Yeah, man, my father is dead and I do feel old! That sort of thing. (The aforementioned health issue? Still not identified or addressed when this aired in spring 2023, btw. My brain was not braining well.)

But there were words for it. I was off work on medical leave at the time. I had just made the transition from crying like it was a full-time job to sleeping like it was a full-time job. The sleep wasn't helping. The crying hadn't helped, either. It wasn't something people could help. But words, and what we do with them - that helped.

Anyway, I'm actually quite proud of this poem, both as an original piece of poetry and as fanwork. It's not on ao3 for reasons including 'I haven't gotten around to it' and 'I don't know if this is sufficiently transformative, by the invisible guidelines I've just set for myself.'

Thank you for sending this to me, it was a lovely thing to think about on my Friday eve! <3

[bumblingbabooshka]

Stonn x T'Pring and Sybok x Angel are the only SNW ships I like. Honestly, with the way the show is written, I'm rooting more for the Gorn than the Enterprise at this point.

With how that show's writing Vulcans I'm like 70% sure they're gonna make Stonn a bad guy or make T'Pring cheat on Spock so their relationship ends with "They both cheated!" or so that Christine can comfort Spock as if he hasn't been cheating on T'Pring pretty much the entire time he's been on screen. I watched a 'short trek' I think they're called? Because I heard T'Pring was in it but it was REAAALLY bad like humor I might have laughed at in middle school...anyway T'Pring was only in it so they could make a joke where the premise was "T'Pring keeps breaking up with Spock because she falls in love with other people and Spock is SOO sad about it" and I was like Hey. Are you even WATCHING your show???? You're taking potshots at the WRONG CHARACTER. Like, even if you wanna make that joke - Christine'd make more sense because Christine and Spock ARE actually 'keeping it casual' and Christine DOES actually date around whereas T'Pring is committed to Spock in SNW and trying at every turn to make their relationship work. It still wouldn't be funny if the girl constantly breaking up with Spock was Christine but having it be T'Pring literally doesn't even make sense. You can say "it's just a funny little joke" (as people say about a lot of SNW'S issues) but T'Pring is a female character who's been viciously maligned for YEARS and if their 'jokes' or 'comedy' come at the expense of their characters or the message of ultimate togetherness and hope in the galaxy then I don't find it funny. SNW isn't supposed to be a comedy I don't know why they keep trying to be 'funny' at the price of being earnest. This isn't a marvel movie. The pro-eugenics trial, killing the disabled character, killing the chronically ill character (and framing this as a beautiful relief), 'being disabled is worse than death' messaging, turning the Gorn into horror movie killer monsters (especially when they could have just made up another species), the bioessentialism, constantly maligning Vulcans as racist bullies (with Spock's half Human blood saving him) <- Which I hate ESPECIALLY when Spock has always been a symbol for mixed people in which he struggled equally with feeling belonging in BOTH cultures whereas in SNW it feels like "If he could only be released from Vulcan's evil clutches he could be happy!" + The laziness of cheating being a plot point in so many main characters' romance stories so far. [La'an wants to be with Kirk but that'd be cheating, Spock is cheating on T'Pring with Christine, Pike sleeps with another woman in 'Lift Us Where Suffering' despite having a girlfriend <- They COULD be open but I don't think this is explained. That's Five or Six characters involved in potential cheating and more if you count M'Benga wink-nudging Spock and Christine's relationship when he most likely knows Spock is engaged to T'Pring.] I just have no faith in SNW. It doesn't feel earnest, and it doesn't feel kind and I don't want to watch a show where they'll sacrifice someone's character at any time for an ultimately meanspirited joke.

[possamble]

do you think falin went on dates/potentially even hooked up with people periodically during those 4 years she and marcille were separated? i know you ascribe to has-been-pining-since-childhood falin (and tbh so do i), but i find it interesting that there were at least Two people interested in falin if we are to believe chilchuck's party relations chart. at the very least, she considered toshiro's proposal -- even if her intentions for doing so were rooted less in mutual interest and more in her fear of being alone -- and it makes me wonder if anyone else were to like... show interest in falin, what would the circumstances have to be for her to be an active participant/if she would've reciprocated if it was casual enough (because i can't see her getting into a serious relationship with anyone while she's still in love with marcille -- unless?)

i could see it going either way. girl who can't believe people could actually LIKE her that way because she struggles with liking herself (despite probably being the most beloved character in canon, though her ostracization in her hometown and the magic academy could explain why...... wait hold on i'M GETTING SIDETRACKED!!) vs. girl's first time being freed from an authority's expectations going a little wild at, well, a taste of freedom (plus a dose of delayed sexual awakening due to prior ostracization + "don't think of marcille like that don't think of marcille like that doN'T. DO NOT." double whammy)

idk idk idk! i find it SO interesting that she's so beloved in canon but is simultaneously very passive about it? i really love how a little creature explores what a more proactive falin could look like, and i'm super curious about your thoughts on what falin's love life would look like/if a love life would even exist decoupled from her newfound dragon instincts and marcille

honestly this is the one aspect im never sure about bc... i've seen other people establish that falin's gone and kissed or gotten involved with some of the other girls at the academy, or other adventurers. and i respect that! mostly bc it's a way of painting falin as more independent and mature than the canon material, and i can't knock that.

but i guess? idk. she was as clueless about shuro's feelings as laios was until he actually proposed to her. she also believed that she wouldn't get another proposal, so there's an element of her not realizing that she's particularly attractive. that, or she's... still somehow working by her hometown logic, which im assuming is the old "if you're not married by your teenage years you're considered a really bad marriage candidate for men" type thing, considering how much of a small town it was/the fact that she and laios already had marriages arranged from a young age.

an intensely auDHD woman, who has spent all of her independent life focusing on at least one person she was inseparably close to, not having had any romantic experience at the age of 23? that's very likely. personally i'd consider it more likely than the alternatives, but that's just my opinion lol

[adriancatrin]

Best Zukka fic recs and/or Azula centric fics (bonus points for both!) I'm desperate for more content.

(digging thru my bookmarks) hoo boy ok let's see

i'm gonna put a cut because this might be long!! idk what all of the zukka 'classics' you've read so i just included 'em if they're my faves. list is in no particular order, pls heed warnings/tags on AO3 as some include potentially triggering content ~

like the sun inside of you by ofherlionheart: Zuko is sixteen years old when he’s handed a crown, a throne, and a hundred-year ancestral legacy of colonial imperialism. He’s not scared of the work; he’s scared of being consumed by the responsibilities and burdens he’s claimed. What Zuko doesn’t quite realize, yet, is that he’s not alone in this. Still in progress, one chapter left to go. Very slow-burn Zukka, and some great Azula stuff

To Cleave These Roots We've Made by Erisenyo: Sokka and Zuko have been roommates and best friends through college and graduation, through first jobs and new jobs and promotions, through friends getting married and sisters being pregnant and everything in between. But that all ends in four days. Four days to pack up an apartment. Four days before Zuko goes to law school and Sokka stays behind. Four days to untangle two lives that Sokka and Zuko have spent ten years weaving together. Can you call it a divorce, if you were never actually together in the first place? I don't remember Azula's involvement in this, but gosh darn it's a good one

i won't stumble as i follow down this path (cause words that are spoken are just other things to have) by jublis: It takes Zuko one year to visit his sister again. Featuring birthday weeks, struggling with your own goodness, and a future. Pretty sure this is a Zukki, ft. Azula very heavily

Destiny in the details by salytierra: Sokka heard that story before. Of course he did, the turning point of Zuko's destiny, the single bravest and most noble (or stupid) thing he's ever done. He retold the thoughts that went through his head back then, the repercussions... but he left out a single detail. And it's that detail that changes everything.  I need to see his soulmark. Sokka thinks, heart hammering in his chest. Fantastic post-canon soulmate AU. Azula's not in it, though

Divine Intervention by AggressiveStress: Sokka has had a lot of dates but they never stick around and he doesn’t know why. Literally everyone else knows why. Honestly I don't remember much about this one I just know I really liked it hahaha

Maybe I Don't Want Heaven by inkfingers_mcgee: Zuko does not realize that he wants to break up with Mai until she says, “We need to talk about us,” with an unmistakable finality, and the candles around his meditation mat don’t even flicker. // Five years after ascending the throne, Zuko reaches yet another crossroads of self. Sokka helps him through it. Mai incites national legislative reform. Azula is listed as a character in this one but I don't remember her role. The fic is great though. slow burn in case u haven't caught onto the trend of my fave fics yet haha

Of Tea and Turtle Ducks (and the Turtle Duck Guy) by Erisenyo: Sokka is nothing if not enthusiastic about his interests--Learning. Campus traditions. The campus turtle ducks. The guy who's watching the ducks so intently this year.  Zuko is nothing if not intense about duck watching. (It's not really about the ducks.) (Is it ever?) No Azula again but gosh darn it this fic is so cute. (expect more erisenyo on this list whoops)

this ultraviolet morning light by GallifreyanFairytale: sokka and zuko break up, make up, go undercover, thwart a rebellion, watch the sunrise, and change the course of fire nation history. not necessarily in that order. I don't remember the level of Azula's involvement in this fic, but I do remember she's in recovery and Zuko thinks about her a fair amount.

Empty Bodies, Empty Smiles by attackfish: Zuko sorts through the wreckage of his childhood and comes across a doll given to his sister. Not a shipping fic, just a character study of sorts of Azula as a child. It's... very sad, but incredibly nuanced in its understanding of her as a very unhappy and unfortunately disturbed child

Will We Last the Night by CSHfic/VSfic: Chief Arnook never assigns Sokka to protect Princess Yue, so he goes to fight the Fire Nation with the other men. When the moon dies, and the ocean spirit takes its revenge, Sokka is caught standing on the deck of a Fire Nation ship. Sokka should have drowned… and he would have drowned, if not for a certain Fire Nation raft fleeing the North Pole. An enemies-to-lovers season 2 rewrite, where Sokka is separated from the gaang during the Siege of the North, and travels the Earth Kingdom with Zuko instead Azula is just S2 Azula w/o redemption I believe, but my goodness the Zukka is just so. SO sweet

Burning Bright by Erisenyo: On a particularly hopeless night, Zuko sends out a messenger hawk to nowhere. He didn’t realize that his messenger hawk is deeply committed to completing the job. And that Sokka happens to be traveling straight through nowhere, at the time. I'm currently rereading this series for the umpteenth time, it's amazing, highly recommend, Azula is hyper intriguing in it too w/ a very complicated relationship with Zuko

All's Fair by Lovely_Elbow_Leech: Book one ends with two major diffrences: 1. Sokka went on the mission with Hahn (it did not go well) 2. Zhao survives the North Pole and that proves unfortunate for everybody (except Zhao, obviously)  Imprisoned on Zhao’s war ship, Sokka and Zuko have to work together to survive. They are not very enthusiastic about this prospect.  And they argue. A lot. Another of my top faves. Book 2 is in progress

Real Slow by surveycorpsjean: “I see.” Zuko closes the scroll. “Is the Water Tribe sending a replacement?" “Uh yeah,” Sokka gestures to himself dramatically. “You’re looking at him.” No Azula I believe but heckin' slow burn

this is a gift (it comes with a price) by WitchofEndor: There is a ghost on the Wani. But the crew have grown used to - even fond of - Prince Zuko. And no matter how many times General Iroh tries to gently explain the boy’s predicament, tries to suggest that he might attempt to move on, Prince Zuko can always be found watching the sea. There is a prisoner in the palace. Not Zukka, but the relationships in it are fantastic, including Azula and Zuko.

 While Mighty Oaks Do Fall by WitchofEndor: The newly-crowned Fire Lord Ozai offers his firstborn son to service in the temple. This turns out to be a catastrophic mistake. Wacky crazy fic. There's something funky fresh happening with Azula, but it's an in-progress fic so. who knows where it'll go

I probably don't need to include The Art of Burning but it's in my fave bookmarks so. Same for Blue

Also in retrospect I have a lot of issues with this fic, but here's my post-canon Zukka w/ Azula redemption fic: New Heights

[orphanheirs]

WIP Questionnaire

Thanks for the tag, @transthadymacdermot!!

What’s the first part of your WIP that you created?

The characters. They existed as deviantart ocs that I used to roleplay with in chatrooms before any semblance of a story existed. This was back in high school.

If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

I'll give a few examples here because there's a lot of songs I think fit the vibe of the story (I have a 4-hour long playlist of "soundtrack" songs)! All of these are based on pure vibes, not necessarily lyrics. For a TV show, I think a folk revival type song like "Over Again" by Stick in the Wheel or "Cannily Cannily" by Maddy Prior and Tim Hart would be sick. If it was a short instrumental intro song, an eerie tune like "More Bones to Sort" from the OTGW soundtrack or this song would work well. To get more general Rasputina is an artist whose overall sound is something that would work great for the story. If you don't know them they're a band that makes rock music with cellos and is very weird and goth about it.

What are your favorite characters that you made? Why?

I love them all, but right now I have to admit my favorite is Tristan. It's definitely partially because he's the most developed right now, but also because he's the reason I revived the story after dropping it almost 10 years ago. I remembered him and thought he had potential and fell in love with him all over again. Coming up with ideas for his arc and his backstory got me excited for the overarching story again, and I changed him from a side character to a main character. I have a lot of fun with his personality and I relate to him a lot on a personal level.

What other pieces of media do you think your fanbase would share?

Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow, Over the Garden Wall, Labyrinth, possibly Interview with the Vampire? and people who grew up with things like Hocus Pocus and A Series of Unfortunate Events. Maybe fans of Neil Gaiman? It's kind of hard to say though; I have no idea how the story would be marketed because it's..pretty weird lol.

What has been your biggest struggle with your WIP?

Not sure what the biggest of them all is, but my big three I guess would be plotting, research, and actually writing. I feel like I'm hitting my head on a wall when I try to outline story beats or whatever, so I think I'll just have to fly by the seat of my pants and plot as I go. Research also feels like a hurdle I need to get past because I want to base the story itself on actual mythology and folklore, and root the "real-world" parts of the story in the real historic regency period. Right now I know enough to share fun facts in a conversation, but in reality I don't know shit. I have a lot of work to do in that regard. Actually writing has been a challenge due to a combination of annoying factors including having very little free time in my life, executive dysfunction, and being? scared? of writing? because what if it comes out bad? Which I know is silly but it blocks me from writing a lot of the time nevertheless.

Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

Right now I'm thinking Crispin has a pet bat named Sparrow. Crispin named the bat Sparrow because he literally thought it was a sparrow, that being the only flying creature he knew of at the time. Now he knows better, but Sparrow is still Sparrow. I haven't thought much about it, but I think Crispin's keeping of a pet is one of the things that indicates he's different from his family/species, i.e. he experiences empathy and longs for companionship. The demon Tristan summons can shapeshift, and takes the form of many different creatures throughout the story.

How do your characters travel/get around?

Considering the time period, the options are limited. There's a lot of walking in this story, but also getting from place to place by carriage or cart. There's likely to be some horseback riding as well. In terms of the supernatural, Crispin can "teleport" himself from point A to point B using magic--but not very far. I still need to figure out the specifics of that though. Tristan is greatly aided in getting around by the demon he summoned, who transforms into a flying black steed Tristan can ride on.

What part of your WIP are you working on right now?

Right now I'm bouncing around and writing snippets of scenes that come to mind/interest me most. I'm considering everything experimental at the moment, and not committing to anything actually being in the final novel. This is helping me get over my fear of writing, and I like it because sometimes I end up liking what I write more than I thought I would. I also *might* write the story in novella form first, try out some things with that, learn from it, and then expand and/or rewrite it as a full novel. Other than that I'm researching and brainstorming and drawing (which is part of my process)!

What aspects (tropes, maybe?) will you think draw your audience in?

Hmmm I think the fact it's a dark fantasy/horror story and the fact it's set in the regency period will attract people. The regency period and fantasy are both really popular right now (as far as I can tell). Also the fact that it has found family, which seems to be a popular trope. The fact it has queer characters might be appealing too. Other draws might be the Halloween aspect, and the deal with the devil trope. And if anyone likes enemies to friends and twist villains. There's also heavy use of gothic tropes and subverting them/combining them with folk horror tropes. Regency media (cough cough Jane Austen) tropes will also go under the knife of subversion.

What are your hopes for your WIP?

I hope to make it a published novel! Ideally traditionally published, but who knows if that'll happen lol. I also want the book to be illustrated, and to illustrate it myself. Besides that, I'd love to do some comics featuring the characters and maybe even short animations. (She said as if she had endless free time...)

Tagging: @ceph-the-ghost-writer, @finchmomentwrites, and @kaylinalexanderbooks !

[broodsys]

been on the fence about saying this. don't really want to become a politicized blog, but still, i think it's worth mentioning

but over the last few years, i've been noticing a trend - just personally noticing, i'm not saying it's exclusive to the last few years bc i doubt it is - about leftist people becoming radicalized in ways rooted in exclusivity

and the thing is, this happens. propaganda works. exposure to ideas works. and then, once the beliefs begin to take root, there's a reactiveness there, a defensiveness, that becomes harder and harder to get around. i say this as someone who's been there, and is really determined to never return. but it takes intention

so, one thing i've been seeing a lot of since the election is a wave of hating all men. i get it. really, i do. but i am here to gently, compassionately remind ppl that this is the exact opening te/rfs look for. this is their in. they'll like your posts about hating men. they'll establish a connection, a rapport

some other points about the All Men Are Awful Monsters discourse:

harms trans men, like myself. contributes to us feeling like accepting the gender we are is harmful, damaging, etc. makes us more likely to stay in the closet. also works to exclude trans men - especially those who pass - from queer spaces

speaking personally, when ppl seem to accept the fact that i'm a man but turn around and disparage all men, i feel like they view me as a woman-turned-man, or a Man Lite, or something else along those lines. i'm not! i'm just a guy.

harms trans women. whether through arguments of "male socialization," or considering the penis to be a tool of violence rather than just genitalia, or through only accepting them provisionally, if they're feminine enough, if they pass enough, etc

harms all trans people, including nonbinary people, because it demonizes the role of masculinity; whether that's a past role for them, or a present role, or a partial/sometimes role, or something else entirely

harms disabled men, neurodivergent men, queer men, POC men, etc.

specifically works to support some really heinous stereotypes about certain groups of men, like Black men

and also

makes men - including cishet, white, able-bodied men, privileged men - less likely to escape their own radicalization. i don't expect this point to matter to everyone, but if any of your personal activism work revolves around deradicalization, i think this has to be one of your tenets

and none of this is to say:

that you have to admire or forgive men who do bad things

that you have to forgive men who have abused you or others

that you have to accept patriarchy

that you cannot speak of your own abuse or struggles

that you must, personally, guide every man to what is "right"

that you cannot point out things like how western men have voted in the recent election

it's really just about questioning the "all men" phrasing. i understand where it's coming from. i get the pushback against the "not all men" argument, i really do. i sympathize with the frustrations. but anytime you take a whole entire demographic and label them in one way, you are limiting your own perspective, whether that's your intent or not

the language we use matters. that includes the language we use in our own thoughts. repetition creates pathways, pathways become familiar routes, familiar routes become ingrained, and ingrained routes become very, very difficult to question. yes, you know that your "all men" is really just saying "all men who do bad things," but brains are silly. all men can eventually come to mean all men. all of them. forever. and even if that wasn't true, your "all men" might mean "all men who do bad things," but you'll draw in people who think you literally mean every single man

i'm not trying to shame anyone. i'm not trying to start an argument. i'm just saying, from experience, that this is something to be aware of. and even if the potential harm to men and trans people doesn't really matter to you, i'd hope that most of the people following me don't want to be sought after for recruitment by te/rfs, so that's something to keep in mind

[tuulikannel]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤

So I already got this twice so I guess I should try to get an answer out ^^;; It's... really a tough task though, but here we go! I can’t really pick a clear favorite of them all, so they’re just in random order. (Or actually, I guess they're in the order in which they've last been updated/posted.)

1. Caught Between, my Hikaru no Go fic where Sai's a real kid with dreams of turning go pro, an intersex condition, and not... the greatest parents in the world, I guess. (His mom has grown on me though.) I've talked about this fic a lot before, so I'll just say that I'm so glad I finally started posting it and that I've managed to nearly reach the end - still need to wrap things up, but at Sai's finally where he wants to be in live, so in that regard, all's fine.

2. blind alley, Assassination Classroom fic which, as usual for me, is basically about Shuu's relationship with his dad. The summary is rather short: "One day, Gakushuu decides to end it all. Just, all does not end that easily." I've said it before, I don't even know why I like this fic so much. Maybe I'm just a sucker for sad things? I don't think I've ever said anything about the title, have I? Cause this is a rare case where I didn't have to struggle to come up with a title only to end up with something mediocre. I was originally going to name this Dead End, cause stupid puns & Shuu being in a sense stuck in one, but then realized that blind alley refers to the same thing, plus it has the word "blind" in it... and you could say Shuu is blind to the truth for a good while there. (why I decided not to capitalize it, I don't know. Sometimes things just look better like that to me.)

3. oneironautics, AssClass & The Sandman crossover (no knowledge of Sandman required.) Again, Shuu and his dad are in the spotlight. It's just that I like Gakushuu, I found Gakuhou simply... intriguing. What's going on his brain? How did he really go so crazy? I've never felt like Ikeda's death would have been quite enough for that. They hadn't even been in touch for years! So, yeah, I guess one goal for me in this fic was to create him one potential background where all the problems have their roots. Also, writing dreams is fun. ^^

4. Ok, those first three were clear, but now it's getting hard. I've two random Hikaru no Go fics in mind here... maybe I'll pick the one that showcases my fic-naming abilities, It’s the Zombie Apocalypse! XD Its birth was absolute randomness, once upon a time in the hikago community on Dreamwidth people were playing Let’s Five on Hikago Day. Someone asked who'd be the five characters who'd survive the zombie apocalypse, and reading the answers I was attacked by a rabid plotbunny. This fic... it was just so fun to write. And I like how it's got a true ending and a bad ending (the reader's choice determines which you get.) (And, dammit, I'll mention the other fic I was just considering too: Chika-go, the Hikago & Dresden Filess crossover. Another fic that was really fun to write. And it has my first ever battle scenes. XD Also, I like the title for various reasons. ^^)

5. Then, finally: The End of Silence (The All Paths Lead to God of Go Remix), yet one more Hikago fic. This is perhaps a bit surprising choice, but I can’t help it… there’s something about this little fic I really like. It’s a remix, as you see (tho in all honesty it’s more like a sequel than a real remix, I feel), of Flonnebonne’s drabble The Silent Path where Akari, not Hikaru, was the one to end up with Sai. I had always wanted to write about Akari more, but somehow never had any inspiration. This (though I'm sure it's not exactly what anyone expects XD) fixed that.

[mfmilligan]

Update: I'm Still Here

Hey, guys! I should have said something about this sooner, but there won't be any In the Midst this week. It seems June's problems are still affecting me early on in July. But I thought I'd take this opportunity to talk about it.

There's been a couple things bringing me down. One of them is the wave of book bans/censorship that's been spreading the last 3 years. Thankfully, I don't live in Texas, Missouri, or Florida (or any of the states that are passing heavy legislation restricting books and potentially criminalizing librarians/library staff). But that doesn't mean that everything's 100% fine where I am. Both as a library worker and as a writer, freedom of expression and freedom of access to information are important to me. And while my time as a library worker began with the start of the new wave of censorship, this year of all years has really worn me down. Maybe because I'm too hypervigilant with censorship news. Maybe because I worry that the Fahrenheit 451 reality of Florida could be nationwide one day. And maybe I shouldn't worry so much - after all, there are individuals and organizations out there fighting against all this (and the majority of the U.S. doesn't support book bans). But that leads into my next problem.

I'm coming to realize that I'm holding onto far too much anxiety. And a lot of that anxiety has deep roots in my past. I'm conflict-averse for a reason and while I won't go in-depth as to why, I will say that much of how I worry/why I worry stems a lot from certain experiences/individuals that negatively impacted my life. Worrying so much may have protected me and helped me protect others in the past, but it's ruining me now. Thankfully, I will be working through this with my therapist. However, the past couple weeks (to say nothing of the whole month of June) haven't been easy. Many days, I have to dig deep in myself to write. Sometimes getting out of bed is a huge task by itself. And this hasn't just been impacting my writing. It's impacted my reading, my Korean studies, reaching out to friends/family, anything and everything that would make me feel better about life. I have a stack of books that I've kept by me for the past 5 days and I've wanted so badly to read them! But if any of you know the overwhelming numbness & hopelessness that can come with depressive states, you know how hard it can be to do even the simplest things (even if you know they'd help you or bring you joy).

I'm doing what I can, though, to keep doing a little bit every day. Telling stories matters so much to me. Even when I'm not physically writing, my brain is almost always turning over the next story idea or developing an older one. Stories are in my blood and I keep coming back to them, no matter how much life sucks or how much I hurt. And sharing some of what I do on Tumblr and connecting with you all has been one of the best things that has happened this year.

All this to say that, even though I have no In the Midst and no other stories to share on Tumblr this week, I'm still here. Even though life is really hard for me right now, I'm still writing.

And if anyone else has been struggling lately, just know you're not alone. It's difficult enough to deal with hard things as a human being - it can feel doubly hard when you're a writer/creative and those hard things get in the way of creating, the very act that speaks to your soul. I'm rooting for you, and I believe who you are and what you create makes the world a much more interesting place.

There will be new In the Midst next week - I know I left things on a bit of a cliffhanger last time, and I wouldn't dream of keeping you waiting too long to know what happens next! And over the rest of the summer, I will be looking at sharing other short stories here.

Happy writing, everyone - remember to take care of yourselves.

[gregorygerwitz]

first, congration on the hockey things! i don't follow the sport but i enjoy a game if it's on tv, i'll root for your team if i see them <3

second, you're one of the only blogs i follow where i know there's an OG 911/One Chicago overlap so. spoilers for Med 8x18 but my brain is now LATCHED ON to the (potential) parallel between Buck and Hannah...

obv we have much more detail on Buck but like. The very real probability that both of them grew up blamed by their family for Being Born? Thinking about Buck in In Another Life literally facing off against himself saying It Wasn't My Fault but also there's a part of him that doesn't believe that... Hannah dedicating YEARS of her life to giving the help her mother didn't get,,,,,, her line about hating her mother for prioritizing her kids over herself bc she wanted her mother too....... Buck growing up doted on and neglected at the same time bc the wrong kid lived............ both of them probably as adults (we see this in Buck Begins but Hannah probably had the realization pre-canon) growing into the idea of Was It My Fault. Was It My Fault For Being Born. they were KIDS they were TRAUMATIZED

yes admittedly the struggle here is Buck has some of the most backstory development on 911 and Hannah has some of the least on Med but STILL. I am USING MY IMAGINATION. Like. Buck without Maddie (and arguably without Bobby) could've so easily ended up like s5 Hannah... does Hannah get along with her siblings I am begging Med to tell us????? I'm slightly scared of Buck stans and there, uh. Aren't really many Hannah stans so I'm going insane in your inbox ty for putting up with me!!!!

in conclusion:

First off, thank you, for the hockey support. I'm so proud of my boys being in the playoffs for the first time ever. I haven't felt like this since rooting for the Sharks in the 2015-16 season fr.

Second... I love me some similar blorbos. Thank you for putting this coherently because I've been thinking about an AU where Mouse and Hannah are best friends since last night but I could not articulate why their mommy issues, while so wildly different from each other, could play off each other so heartbreakingly. Thank you, for the words, I'm going to keep them. Don't know if I'll use them, but I'll hold them dear.

This is a Hannah Asher adoring space I hope she never leaves us again.

And yes, Buck has so much more development because he's a main who's been around since the first season of his canon, and Hannah is relatively new and only became a main recently, but like... that essence of blaming themselves for any and all of the bad things that happen to their families, because what if it had been different? What if they hadn't been born? Would things have been different? Would those differences have been for the better?

I feel a normal level of emotions about them and this. I am not going to think about them being friends and bonding over wildly different but also shockingly similar childhood trauma and the feelings that come from that (lying)

You connected more than two dots. You won a game of connect four I don't think anyone realized were were playing. And I'm so glad you did.

[thebendsbyradiohead]

Heyy you spoke a bit about prison abolishment recently so I wanted to ask how you view the Gisèle Pelicot case and those men? And this isn’t some gotcha or whatever I am genuinely curious as I’ve struggled a lot with prison reform for a while and what that man has done is truly incomprehensible to me and I have no idea where would rehabilitation even begin in a case like that, he will likely die in prison but what if he’d been 40 instead of 70? Obviously I think prisons and the justice system need to be overhauled massively and this case is (supposedly) rare but gruesome crimes do still take place and idk how to reconcile such cases with rehabilitation/ letting them back into society

Also you said war criminals should be imprisoned but who decides that? Is it a body like the ICC? It took them what 70 years to only begin to deal with Is- rael and those arrest warrants are essentially meaningless (right now at least) so how would we agree on who the criminals are and how would we actually implement justice?

(Sorry ik this is a big question im just interested in your thoughts i dont expect you to solve prison systems for me lol)

no worries, i know you're not setting a trap for me and i'm always glad to enter a discussion of this sort! after all that's how we arrive at solutions in my opinion

yes, i agree the gisele pelicot case is beyond disheartening and it can feel defeating to watch all of what happened and see the (comparatively maybe) disproportionate punishments to the crime. but at the risk of sounding naive, i invite you to look at it from another point of view. to me, this case is emblematic of everything wrong in our society and in fact, provides a great argument in favor of rehabilitation. those men were from every class, every race, every age and they all did those despicable things. they didn't do those thing because they are inherently evil, they did them because they were taught for generations that this kind of thing is okay. look at it like the cult of patriarchy, if we manage to rehabilitate its cult members cases like these in theory should not exist (fwiw i don't think this is a rare case per se, more like the magnitude is rare). it's an idealistic idea but if we all started doing that with our children eventually we could achieve a society where violence like this is completely minimized (i won't say eliminated entirely because i don't believe that's feasible)

as for dominique pelicot dying in prison at 70 instead of being caught earlier, the reason why he was caught at all is because an officer followed up on his up-skirt picture taking & requested evidence, something that's not usually treated that way in france (which kinda proves why the police force sucks ass lol). there is a world where he was never caught & for all the horror i'm glad that he was caught and will receive ANY kind of punishment. that being said he is also in a way a product of his environment/the patriarchy that ever led anyone to believe this is in any way permissible. (the likelihood of so many of the men saying they "didn't know she wasn't in on it" is probably too high to be truthful but i do think some of them genuinely believe what they did was no big deal & to me that's the scariest part & what we need to change from the root)

war criminals are a way more complex topic imo that's very difficult to navigate and despite my criticisms of the ICC i do understand why it takes them so long to proceed with arrest warrants and judicial decisions. proving a war crime is a very difficult thing because war is rarely simple and black & white. even in the case of attack on sovereignty & potential genocidal intentions, the wronged party could STILL commit war crimes. take a look at kosovo, why do you think they're only just now prosecuting members of the KLA who committed war crimes? i honestly don't know and don't have a potential solution to this aside from the ICC which is flawed but I do think a tribunal similar to it would have to be in charge of evaluating war crime allegations, hopefully without any attachment or bias towards certain countries and governments lol

hope this makes sense as i wrote the first part a week ago and the other one just now but i tried articulating my thoughts as best as i could

[diary-from-a-thoughtful-girl]

stanford boy and breakups

Oliver and I broke up officially close to a month ago. For some reason and also for reasons I've overanalyzed, I'm not as sad as I feel like I should be and I feel pretty guilty about it. I almost feel relieved. I definitely still love him and have never lied to him about how I felt, but he just constantly would tell me nasty and purposefully hurtful things that resonated and genuinely killed me. He's been begging me to give him a second chance and the temptation is horribly so present, but I need this time for myself. He told me that I should have the respect to tell him if I hooked up with someone else and I lied and told him I didn't. I could hear how much it would hurt him and being a shit person and so so selfishly, I didn't want to forever lose him. It's been weighing on me though and I feel like an absolute piece of shit who will rot in hell because of it. I should tell him, I have to tell him... I do love him, I just need the time for myself.

In lighter tones, single life has been weird and interesting. I'm visiting home right now. Although my grades are absolute shit and I'm having a crisis on what I want to do with my life and have been a little scared if I'm going to be struggling my whole life, I've been pretty good. Being by myself has become comforting rather than depressing during my freshman year of college. I'm starting to journal as you can see, I've been talking to friends I lose contact with, and I've been reading a good amount.

Recently, I've finished The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (3.8/5), Verity (2.3/5 - just because I hate scary stuff), and One Day (4.7/5). One Day had the potential to be my favorite book ever, it had thought processes that were similar to mine and written anecdotes that just made you wanting more and whole-heartedly rooting for Em and Dex to get together. The negative is that we barely got to see them together which is fine, but then Dex dated the manager of his store after the love of his life died. What the fuck is that?? A book love or true love that ends in one of them dying should leave the other scarred for life. The significant other shouldn't be able to move on. They should live the rest of their life in sorrow, constantly thinking about them. Is that toxic? I think anyone whose together for more than seven years or older than 40 years old. I don't know. I'm only nineteen.

I've been home for about a week and am leaving to go back to college in a week. I knew this before, but I only had Oliver to hang out with here so I've been annoying my sister a good amount. With being around her in her environment, I've realized that she's probably my best friend, but I am not hers. She's at the age where she's bitchy and feels above literally everything which is the most annoying thing in the world. She's still someone who makes me genuinely die from laughter, I just hope she grows out of it. One thing that I'm addicted to is how we look walking around, especially where I am in college. Because we're styling and young (and maybe because we're asian), we get stares and comments of flattery. Although I'm being vain, I completely adore it. I get them with other people in my life, but it's always more fun and more a scene from a movie when it's with your sister. I've also never cared about fashion until her. Now I'm obsessed with it and have a shopping addiction.

I haven't been doing much at home. I downloaded a dating app and have some guilt about it with Oliver. Anyways, along with Tik Tok, they have been so addictive with people liking how I look, giving me cheesy compliments, meaningless conversations, and the feeling of being validated - all with a swipe of a finger. It's so much judgment solely based on somebody's physical attributes. It's honestly horrible and I'm never going to find anyone serious on here and there's a big part of me that hates it, but I am so so addicted to it.

It's also where I met LB. I went to high school with him and we've been in the same classes or group projects, but we didn't really know each other. It didn't stop us though from swiping right and from him messaging me "Haha no way what's good" as if we were lifelong friends that were rekindling a friendship and was the validation that he knew who I was. He flirted with me, I flirted back - making up the story that I watched a scary movie and that I was scared so that he would respond with being the protective man who held me while I was scared. One thing that girls learn easily is that men are so predictable when you know they think you're attractive and want to hook up with you to some degree (which is exactly what Tinder gives you). I was still nervous as I haven't hooked up with anyone since Oliver. I had anxiety about it and kept ranting about it to M and C.

But, even though I barely knew him, I felt safe with him and knew I could get over my first hook-up after Oliver with L. I obviously didn't and will never tell L that, but it was true. My anxiety pushed it off as far as it could with still constant snapchats and boring talks about work and what the other was doing and excuses that came about in my family and the lack of car. Then, he snapchatted me saying that he was leaving that day and if I wanted to hang out.

I knew that if I was going to do this, I would have to make that decision quickly. I was able to pull off seeing him at the very last minute I could due to my anxiety with the lack of responding from me and the bringing up of having my sister. This changed almost completely when I saw him.

I remember him from high school - this gigantic teddy bear jock who, besides looking cluelessly around in APUSH and seeming like he doesn't have a care in the world, was annoyingly smart. Looking at him now, he's gotten more attractive with kept facial hair, routine hair cuts, and a body that became more built somehow.

But, what I thought was his lack of care before became nervousness by the moment he sat down next to me at the beach. It was adorable and with his nerves came my confidence. We talked like we were old friends that lost touch. I put on my best attentive looks while pretending like I didn't know that he was on the Stanford Football team and that that wasn't the most attractive thing in the world for me. Athleticism and intelligence - I get so obsessed.

When our catching up came to a close, he offered to drive me home which I gratefully, and expectantly, accepted. We walked around 4 blocks talking about how we wanted dogs and I could feel the intentional movements towards me. His hand would graze mine that would send a wave of excitement through me. Honestly, I loved it. Loved how easily he made me laugh and how he thought he was being smooth. He tried putting his arm around me, but I personally hate when any guy does that. It's awkward - your arm is heavy, weighing and messing up my hair and I clearly have a bag. Anyway, we got to his car which was a mini cooper - nearly the opposite type of car I'd think he would have. He threw my bag as well as my towel I lent him into his trunk. I climbed into his passenger seat, telling myself to breath and that he was as nervous as me.

He started driving in the direction of my house. I pretended like I was interested in stick shift which he could definitely see through. By the way, stick shift sucks. It was starting and stopping then starting and stopping. When we got onto the highway, his hand touched my thigh, his fingers tracing my skin. I could feel my breathing become shallow as my mind attached to his hand. When he had to change gears, I was able to focus on whatever stupid thing we were talking about. It went on like this and I became to resent stick shift. L was able to put me into this trance where I was so aware of his hand and the soft touch that he had then he would have to change gears.

The only thing was that I had no idea what to do with my hands. His arm and hand took most of the space in the tiny mini cooper so I awkwardly sat there with my arms crossed. He was inching towards where I wanted him to go and when the stick shift finally let him, I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach that craved him. I didn't know how much I wanted it until my mouth fell open and my head tilted back. I began to loath myself for not shaving and claiming that I was on my period. I think he could tell that I was getting turned on because when he asked me where I wanted to go, his voice became darker, rougher, and more attractive then I could imagine.

We ended up going to the pool house in my neighborhood. I won't be disgusting and share details, but in the middle of it, after I, regrettingly, told him I was self-conscious about not shaving, he grabbed the waistband of my jeans and, mumbling to himself and to me, growled saying, "I'm sorry, but I need to touch you". I genuinely became weak. Like jello. I've had those words said to me, but to be told by basically a stranger was the most hottest thing ever. Something I never thought would happen was that my moans and my whimpers were matching his. When it was over and he was driving me back, he filled the silence with thank you's which pissed me off. Don't thank me like I did a service for you, it was a mutual thing.

It's been around three days and I keep randomly thinking about him. Not in an emotional way or in an attached way, but in a thinking about the way he wanted me way and the fact that I'll never see him again. Honestly, if all hook ups were like that, I would do it all the time.

I'm curious if I"ll ever see him again. Kind of scared that he thought of my insecurities too much, but I'm not going to get into that. If I ever do see him, you'll know about it. That's it for right now. Suddenly feeling embarrassed about all of this.

[lawlznet]

Social media, especially twitter, has never been a happy place but watching them from isolation both online and offline imposed, things have once again gone right to hell. Fediverse is undergoing some infighting and Twitter is awash in drama from yet another mid-large sized vtuber self-cancelling herself and an ongong hellscape attributed to a potentially psychotic ex-vtuber who will just *not* stop stalking people.

Its all enough to make one reconsider why they even do this in the first place. But you know, maybe I didn't need external drama- which, aside from some tagentially connected friend groups- to think about what could or should need changing moving forward.

I've thought about quitting many times. And it's easy to use all this nonsense, most of which doesn't directly affect me as long as I don't consume it, as a scapegoat. But the more I do that, the more the so called "real" problems are swept under the rug... like the fact that I'm caught in this uncomfortable position-

Vtubing, at least how I've been "doing" it in the last few months, isn't fun or fulfilling to me. It had been a chore, and that showed itself most in my struggle to meet my own scheduled hours, stay awake during them, or even, well, be enthusiastic about what was going on.

At the same time, now that I've found myself separated from what had become my main hobby and social life over the past two years, I've found myself bored, isolated, and well... dead inside.

Maybe that's in part due to what the Host is going through in meatspace, which let me tell you, is not good in any sense of the word. They say depression kills your interests in things you were originally passionate about. But I see it as a recurring problem- the more you shove issues under the rug and fill it up with distractions- even distractions you claim to hate (like indulging in the so-called "vtuber community), the more... those issues don't get fixed. They just pile up, like an old hardrive full of garbage files or a room full of empty boxes and debris and trash. And when you finally grow sick of the distractions and can't stand to look at them any longer, well, what do you have?

It's easy to blame everything else around your problems as the root cause of your problems. But honestly. Would you have ever been focusing on everything *besides* your... job, your... "passions" if you had been interested in, and actively, fixing your passions to begin with?

Now you have nothing.

But now that you have nothing, well, maybe you can do something about it.

[shufflebuff-blog]

words

Well this is a weird time. I can't tell if I'm just manic or lonely these days. Lots of people who I CAN connect with, lots of people I SHOULD connect with, and the overwhelming unfathomable depth of people I don't connect with, despite that being the primary axiom these days.

So I write to the void, not for a pen pal but because I hope my words can give me some meaning when all seems upside down.

I invite myself own in the midst of mania, in the throws of struggle and I can't help but worry about who I may become. The human imagination is a limitless font of incredible beauty, but the risks dipping your toes in too deeply might make you see the youth in every direction. It doesn't always have to be a demon that's whispering into your ear, despite that's what you want it to be.

Instead of the negative kneejerk reactionisms, I'd rather move on to being slightly more enlightened. I think I am getting there slowly, but breakups break open who you were and leaves you to collect the pieces. Sometimes you don't always get put back together the right way, sometimes some extra pieces come along with, sometimes you're missing the edges and corners. But without a constraining edge, you can reach for new potentials, new limits, and opportunities to spread beyond the tapestry of who we felt we were destined to be.

I can't help but realize that I have been deeply unhappy for many years. The passion and the void, The obligated orgasms, the disappointing despair of a long that had long slipped through our fingers. It wasn't fair to you, but I never took the time I needed to be loved. There is nothing worse than the pillars you chain yourself to as the backbone of you penance, and baby, these pinnacles are piercing the heavens. Can I tear them down?

It's finally time to start taking agency in my own life, and my goodness Im doubling down on this hard. I can't help but worry that I won't land on my feet well, but I also wonder whether it's even worth the crisis of self worth. I know what I like, I know I can actually be happy with the world I've created and explored. I can have those vast deep conversations that rub the heartstrings in harmony. I can appreciate the suspended drops of dew amidst the the grass, the crystalline dessicated husks of life after the ice.

Despite all the shit, all the things that make you check under the bed at night, all the things that make you hope tomorrow never comes, I want to cut through my blackness, your darkness everyone's deep seated doubt. I want to hold your hand. And your hand (everyone gets a hand!). We're gonna step forward, not stand stationary, to experience this goddamn beautiful existence.

Take a look at the leaves and marvel at their immaculate perfection. Listen to the squabbled calls of the starlings, chirping and cawing a song from far away, made uniquely here. The log of a mighty oak, rotted and rooted, and even in its passing, life persists amidst it's decayed core, flourishing in uncountable denizens thankful for the shelter.

These chains of inadequacy, the tethers of doubt, this grip of a paralytic time will be shed, are being shed. Despite all this, I will rise and grow, even if it must be as an ephemeral amidst the concrete jungle. I will do good, we will do great, everyone will inspire and move

For if life has no meaning, that meaning is for us to define. The ties that bind and the joy that shines will carry us to the next season in this cycles of rebirth and decay. And in this next cycle, let's forge those chains, not that keep us tied down, but rather, tied together.

I miss this community, I miss every community left to rot, especially due not to our own actions. But rather the actions around us. Reach out. Find someone to talk to and tell them everything. It's the only way to get started in this next cycle. Much love from the Crunchy Granola Grandpa (TM).

[opinated-user]

About Lily’s talk on toh fandom racism. I guess Lily doesn't understand the root of the problem. People like white characters more because they have more dimension not because of race. Compare Amity's and Hunter's abusive families, their constant struggles and how many viewers can relate to it, to Luz who has... nice mom? And was bullyied but kinda wasn't we've never seen it? That's it. She's generic quirky girl. Her dad's death pops out literally one time and it's never mentioned after. Gus is boring, and Willow had potential but was forgotten. There's just so little to work with. Not even gonna talk about Eda and her family issues and parallels to chronic illness. So the main question is it truly wise to blame the fandom when the creators themselves don't give POC characters interesting conflicts, backgrounds or just some screen time ? ;)

i disagree on various points with you, anon, but i'll try to keep it as brief as possible: 1. the idea that abusive families=more relatable is inherently flawed by itself. if all you see when looking at luz noceda is a "generic quirky girl", that's is your opinion, but there's more to her than that, even more that what LO gives her credit for when she just wants her to be happy sapphic with no further issues. many kids can and do relate to her struggling to fit in, being the child of immigrants, living without one of their parents, wanting to scape to another world where she wouldn't be so different, but the show takes it one step further and tells us directly that life can't be solved as easy as that, that even if life is boring, mundane and not magical we still have to live with it. i could go on about how compelling i found the arc of her reconnecting with her mom only to realize what many children have to find out the hard way sooner or later: that her actions have consequences and those consequences can hurt people, just like it hurt her mom. but if you really want more insight into luz as a character, there are plenty of videos on youtube and i'm sure posts that could explained it better than i could. the same could be said about Willow slowly finding her way to grow from the shy girl of the first season into a brave leader or gus struggling with the pressure of being a child prodigy. LO is right that both of them could have been given more of a spotlight and actually deserved it because there is a lot of potential for the both of them, but she's wrong when she doesn't blame Disney for it and instead makes it the sole fault of the creator. 2. LO's actually right that there is racism in fandom... but not because hunter exist or teenage girls likes him, but because racism exist everywhere. it's a systematic issue that everyone is exposed to and can manifest in million different and insidious ways that sometimes aren't as easy as who loves more what character. she's wrong that everyone who likes hunter must do it for racist reasons, just like she was also wrong that people only liked reylo because racism. her own friend Carrousel ships huntlow herself so i assume that she must like hunter on some capacity. but as we have discussed before on this blog, LO doesn't know how to talk about systematic issues nor cares to. what she wants is to point fingers at someone and nothing else, be it to the creator that was treated unfairly by her employer but it's still her fault somehow, to the teenage girls having a crush on a fictional boy or any other group of people/individuals that she can point as the problem, one that we just need to get rid of to have everything turn out alright. all the while never even proposing a real solution herself. more people liking gus or skara won't solve racism in fandom. she putting down hunter constantly at every opportunity she has won't solve racism in fandom. it's doubtful that fandom even can solve the problem of it's own racism at all. but we do have alternatives that BIPOC fans have been trying out for years: blacktober, race bending, challenges, zines, hashtags, give more attention to POC creators, works of POC and spread the word about any of this initatives so more people can join in. LO already talks about how she never reads fanfiction (unless it's about Sylvannas, her favourite white undead character), she doesn't care about theories and it seems she only shares fanart she just happened to come across so of course she either doesn't know about any of them or doesn't care. she barely is on fandom for anything else that enjoy underage sapphic cute couples, there is no real motivation for her there. talking about how other people should like more POC characters more than white ones will never be enough. appreciating POC characters (only black in the case of LO) without dragging a white one too could be a fine start but it's just that if you don't then procede to try to give the spotlight to the actual real POC in fandom that have been ignored, when not harassed and mistreated because of not being white.