#I'm repeating patterns that probably traumatized her

[there-will-be-a-way]

Something about making your mother cry that makes you think you need to go to jail

[omgthatdress]

Everything I know about the royals comes from Tumblr memes and one bonus episode of a totally unrelated podcast but now I'm morbidly curious, so: what's up with William? And the Middletons? Or if that's a longer story than you want to explain, do you have recommendations for where to read about this that is likely to be fairly accurate?

I don't have any facts I just have pure fucking speculation if that's okay. :)

Like I've been saying for a long-ass time the one thing I absolutely LOVED about The Crown was its portrayal of generational trauma. It very skillfully showed how being a shitty husband who cheats on his wife and treats his kids like garbage was passed down from Prince Andrew of Greece and Denmark to Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh to King Charles and then to Prince William. Hell, it probably started long before that but holy shit THE CYCLE OF DYSFUNCTION AND ABUSE BE REPEATING ITSELF.

And if you really want to dig into it, well.... I think he and Harry followed a pattern that a LOT of siblings of bitter and messy divorce fall into, one kid sides with the mom, one with the dad. It's been said a LOT that Harry was Diana's favorite son, so it probably started with that. And OF COURSE William is gonna side with Charles because well... he's the heir. They have that shared trauma.

And then there's the way the whole "heir and spare" thing absolutely perverts any relationship they might have had as brothers. Charles managed to have a decent relationship with his siblings, I think, because first of all, Anne was a girl, and then Andrew and Edward were significantly younger than him and Anne, so there wasn't this unnaturally massive imbalance of power between them. One of the reasons I've come to believe the monarchy should be abolished is because of how badly it damages the structure of a family in a way that no one should have to deal with.

I think Diana might have been able to guide William into being a better person if she'd have lived, but idk. It may be wishful thinking. His relationship with her became kind of strained when he was a teenager and she was going on TV to tell the whole fucking world about her sex life. I think Diana did the right thing exposing the family like she did, but I can also understand how a 13 year old boy would be absolutely humiliated by that.

THEN there's the whole way he was a MASSIVE heartthrob as a teenager, and was intensely sexualized for it. Like it will absolutely mess with you when you have girls screaming and throwing themselves at you when you're still trying to figure your own sexuality out. It will also massively inflate your ego and convince you that the whole world loves you and there's nothing you can do wrong.

SOOOOOO

as for his relationship with Kate. She's much harder to pin down because she hasn't spent her entire fucking life in the spotlight, and the Middletons are sill granted a certain degree of privacy that the Windsors aren't. I don't think they're as absolutely fucked up as Diana's family was but I still definitely think her mom was a major driving force behind her staying with William.

I think there actually was some initial mutual attraction and that they may have even actually been in love. Buuuut then he waited ten years to propose to her, during which he cheated and they broke up and got back together. Honestly, I don't know what Kate's damage was with all of that, whether or not she was able to convince herself that William wouldn't be another shitty husband, or if she was willing to put up with his bullshit if it meant she would be queen.

Diana was more or less picked out as a bride for Charles because it was assumed that she would be a meek and beautiful wifey who never caused any problems. I mean, she was 19 and he was 32 for fuck's sake. She very much wanted to be queen. BUT what everyone wasn't counting on was that Diana would *gasp* have some serious emotional needs. She was deeply traumatized by her own parents' incredibly bitter divorce, overwhelmed and deeply lonely in her position as princess, and on top of that, suffering from bulimia and then post-natal depression. She needed love and support and Charles spent the whole marriage balls deep in Camilla.

Kate had a much more stable upbringing and had more than a few months to get to know both William and what her role as a princess would be. Ultimately, the vibe I get from her is that she's willing to be the perfect meek beautiful wifey who puts up with William's bullshit if it means she can be royal, which is exactly what Diana was supposed to be.

And I don't mean that to knock or belittle her. She's good at it. She looks incredibly happy when she's doing that. It's her career. It's an exchange I can actually really understand making, especially when your only other prospects involved working for your parents' party company.

But I could be extremely wrong about all of this Maybe she's absolutely miserable but she feels like she has no other options and worried about losing her kids and is terrified of what happened to Diana. It's hard to know, and I wish The Crown would have at least committed to *something* rather than just brushing all of this off.

[saezurufeels]

pineapplekarol

I think Doumeki did kind of notice, when he had that conversation with Nanahara in the rooftop 4 years ago . He realized something. He was having flashbacks of Yashiro saying "You look like the type that would have normal gentle sex so no" and flashbacks of him saying "I don't know what to do with you " I think that's when he realized that Y used rough sex as a way to constrain himself. And since that is not what he can give him he would not be able to constrain himself

--

Not sure whom you were responding to, but I'll just add my thoughts to this.

I mentioned that healing isn't a linear process, which means that sometimes people have setbacks, or things change in another direction completely. When I said that it's important for Doumeki to realize this, I meant that he not only needs to realize that Yashiro was traumatized that time they had sex 4 years ago (which, I agree, D has realized), but he also needs to realize that him changing his tactics so abruptly isn't the best way to go about it either. Look at Yashiro's response in chapter 46. Sure, Doumeki changed his tactic, but it didn't get the reaction he was probably hoping for; so it wasn't the right strategy. Instead, Doumeki should have taken his time getting to know Yashiro again after 4 years in order to understand what Y needs now. But Doumeki jumped to conclusions from the moment he saw Inami calling Yashiro's phone, then assuming, "I guess people never really change" or something like that.

I'm glad to see that the story is taking this route, because I think it will strengthen and enhance Doumeki's character development (and the otherall themes of Seazuru). Specifically, I'm talking about the fact that somehow all the important people in Doumeki's life always end up with sexual trauma; and Doumeki somehow always makes the wrong decisions in response to that trauma. It's his biggest flaw-- this repeating mistake he makes. He unintentionally pushes away the people (Aoi, Yashiro) he wants to help. In Aoi's case, Doumeki turned the cold shoulder, resulting in a long period of isolation for her. After D got out of prison, he barely made an effort to be in her life, even though that's what Aoi wanted; it would have made her feel loved, but it also would have alleviated her guilt. Now in Yashiro's case, Doumeki can't seem to figure out how to be close to him, which is inadvertently hurting Y. Doumeki needs to find a way to break away from this pattern. That's his challenge. Maybe that means he needs to be more expressive (in every sense of the word)? It remains to be seen what he will do and I'm excited to find out.

[sneakerdoodle]

@everymomentonearetwo and i had a very good conversation last night that went something like

"listen, Boober and Wembley WORK but idk HOW because they are the most dysfunctional gays there are, Wembley just keeps enabling Boober's spirals so it's just them sitting on their own getting progressively more bogged down by the weight of the world and it's not GOOD and shouldn't work as a dynamic, but it??? does???"

"you see it's about the polycule dynamic of the Fraggle group, where everyone's bonds with each other are essential to every other relationship, like how Red and Mokey help Boober and Wembley out of their mental labyrinths. without the rest of them these two would not make it"

"would not last even two days"

"...Fraggles are a polycule where no one is actually in a polyamorous relationship, just wlws and mlms and Gobo is the guy who's just there"

"and they all support each other's mental well-being collectively".

"yeah! Red and Boober..."

"Red and Boober are very good bc Red tries to snap Boober out of thought spirals when he gets freaked out and Boober helps Red through her fear when anything genuinely bad happens"

"yeah!!!! and also like, with Red's debilitating ADHD and lack of object permanence and general awareness, she often straight up cannot notice or process how dangerous something she's about to do is, so when Boober starts listing off every horrible thing that might happen she's like "ah. yes. probably should be careful with that". they support each other both concsiously and organically through how their Things mix"

"Gobo is like.... a neurotypical brain gauge... he deals with extreme derealization and depersonalization via masking and autopiloting to the point where he just mimics functionality so convincingly that everyone is like, ah, this is how brains Should process this. he keeps verbally dismissing everyone's weird little thought patterns and impulses and they're like, okay, so i'm overthinking this bc i have symptoms syndrome, got it."

"yeah, and it's funny cause like... when he's in the pit nobody knows how to help him at all lol"

"yeah but it's great too cause everyone's trying! it's like, he's always the one keeping everyone else in check, and when he burns out and crashes it's a collective effort to get him through that and cheer him up"

"Wembley's sort of the same as Gobo in that, he just naturally reminds everyone they're spiraling, but through repeating it back to them. someone expresses a Worry and Wembley rolls with it and repeats it verbatim and the other person's like, "...huh. now that i hear it from you like that. this is silly. i'm over it"

"it's interesting cause with neurodivergent fraggles it's like... how did they get here? Wembley and Red are just autistic and ADHD respectively, Boober probably had a traumatic accident as a child, which makes sense in a cave system, so now he has OCD, and Gobo's like that just bc his family SUUUUCKS".

"...what do you think is up with Mokey?"

"hmmm... i have no reason to think she has SAD. but i just feel like assigning her SAD"

"there's actually an episode later on that implies that Gobo might have it!"

"awww they're SAD friends!!!"

"Mokey seems so functional is the thing"

"she probably just... copes with it by writing very intense wistful poems"

"yeaaahh Mokey poeticizes all her struggles to the point where she's normal now"

"it's interesting that when she struggles she often seeks higher guidance from someone wise and more mature... she looks at her friend group and is like, yep, none of these dorks can help me"

[csa-survivor-confessions]

? Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be called a victim? I wasn't raped, only molested, so obviously i'm not traumatized enough, right? It wasn't a big deal if it wasn't rape. But then why does it still keep me up at night? Why do the memories of how I was used as a fucking sex toy for my friend, my other friend's fucking brother, and my own god-damn cousin seep into everything I do? Friend didn't even have contact with me. The brother was never inside me. Only my cousin was inside me. WHY

? Sorry, I was the person who sent in that "WHY" vent. I realized I didn't actually include a question. Why do I think it wasn't enough? I still feel horrified and exhausted by what was done to me. My friend made me fuck her teddy bear when I was like five, my other friend's brother played House with me and told me he had to get on top of me if I wanted to have kids and coaxed me into clothed air grinding while our siblings watched, and my cousin molested me in my sleep. How do I make myself belive? 

(why vent person) How do I make myself believe it was real? Why don't I think it's enough? Am I just a fucking idiot? Sorry, this is probably really jumbled and confused. The memories have kept me up until 5 am, I have school today/tomorrow. Sorry, I just don't know what to do to make it stop. I just want to sleep. I just want to fucking sleep

Hello friend, 

I’m so sorry you are feeling so exhausted. I understand that feeling and it’s so painful to deal with, trauma insomnia is terrible and hard. 

Trauma is not defined by the legal definition, the severity of trauma is defined by the reaction we experience. It might help to read this Informational Article: Define Trauma, knowing what trauma is can help us understand what we are going through and can help us since we are no longer grasping at social norms. 

Many trauma survivors feel like our experiences weren’t “enough” weren’t really “bad” or “really abuse:. Your not alone and definitely not an idiot. Our culture tends to downplay abuse and trauma and that can make us feel like our experience isn’t enough. And believing it’s not real comes from the way our brain tries to protect ourselves by dissociating from the trauma and can make the trauma feel fake. But it’s not fake our experience is real. 

You can help yourself cope with it by using affirmations. Just repeating to yourself that you're story is real helps reinforce those thought patterns. I know it sounds hokey but focusing on that is good. 

Another way is focusing on healing your emotions without too heavily focusing on the narrative aspects of what happened. Write, paint, sculpt, play music whatever feels right.

Working on coping with trauma responses will also be useful in dealing with the body memories and trauma you carry. This can also help with sleep and dealing with the memories. Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation & Coping Skills: Obsessive Thoughts

 Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[myvelouri]

I don't know what happened to my face, but I don't look like me anymore. Something subtle, but it's enough to change the overall appearance. I just remember girls that would say I'm really attractive and then proceed to somehow get my number or social media when I never gave it to them. I remember when I'd go into my mom's work to give her food or something, all the girls would tell her how hot I am after I left. Some said they would like me worth shorter hair but that I was still really hot. All the girls there liked me. I remember being hit on a lot. I remember guys saying they wished they looked like me and I'd say no way man you're fine the way you are and I appreciate you. I remember very clearly just HOW kind, nice and sweet every girl was to me. It was all to do with looks. Straight up. Because I remember being ugly before I was "hot" and it was the same thing. I guess I'm ugly again and once again girls aren't treating me that well. It's, um. It's pretty weird. I didn't think it'd be back to this bad. But if I could write every story and everything that happened regarding girls and looks from then to now, you'd see the pattern very clearly.

I never really got to live my life. But besides that, I liked looking good for my own self and I mean that. I currently hate how I look too. Something about my face, it's just, not right, not the same. And maybe that's what everyone else sees too, maybe I'm just not that attractive anymore. If I was like a 9 I'm probably a 6 now. Some girls thought I was a 11/10 which is ridiculous lol. I remember working as a cashier and this girl was so hot, she was with a dude, and she was totally speaking softly and staring at me with glowing eyes. 100% lust. I could see it. All the girls I worked with saw it too. And she was asking where I'm from. I could have sworn the guy with her was her boyfriend cause he just finished paying for her stuff. But man. I wish I was just single at that time. Would have been able to have a lot of crazy adventures. I was just happier overall. Um. Yeah the girls that worked with me all thought I was hot and some wanted to date me. I was loved by the dudes and all the girls and every guy thought I could be with any of the girls or take them from them. I wouldn't but damn. Even the hottest guys there, I got girls over them, as in they would check me out over them. That's nuts. The guys I worked with were extremely attractive. I guess I was just another attractive guy working there. Tbh I thought I looked alright. I felt like I was digging the way I looked but others REALLY liked it, especially women. It was crazy. I loved it. Girls would tell me to be a model and this and that. I remember these repeat customers and they'd say I look like a movie star. They were from another country, gorgeous ladies, and apparently I look like I could have been a movie star in their country, since I'm tan and bearded lol, but my features were cute. Um yeah. I was like 25-26 during this. There was a lot of women man, a lot of attention. I'd gotten used to it. But like, not THAT used to it. I loved it and I was humble about it. My personality is one of my favorite things, like, the part that isn't ruined by depression, cause I was very social and funny, charismatic and just loveable. I still think I am. But NOW people keep throwing me away and girls keep rejecting me A LOT, and I feel like the person I have been isn't coming across, and it feels like I died for the second time in this life of mine. I'm so lost. I've went through some really fucked up and some slightly traumatic rejections in this year. For real, it's been weird. Um. Yeah, no. I'm not totally okay. And then there's the bad luck I've got. My health has been awful. My body is not really functioning all the way. And my weird conditions regarding sex, you know, the pain, and I break out from sex which leaves permanent scars where I break out, usually the face, armpit and bottom, some on the back. It's bizarre, but limits how much I can actually have sex or masturbate. It's torture actually. Um. There's also the fact that I can't fully get erect? And the size of my dude? Yeah wish it was bigger for sure. But those are all after thoughts. I'm not even making it past the beginning stages where I used to excel, which would be socializing and making friends (both guys and gals) to even make it to sex or something. I'm being treated like shit by mostly everyone I meet and I don't understand where it's coming from. Something about me has changed. And I don't know what it is.

[saerwenindahouse-blog]

TFP as a prediction of s5

PART 1

THE FINAL PROBLEM

(Before you read this, I just wanted you to give a quick information about this meta.

When I sat down to write it, it became too long and too complicated to put into one post, so I'm making several parts. I’ve got 5 planned so far but that may change.

I will list all predictions at the end of the last part.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading!)

After watching TFP time and again I realised that the whole episode just serves the purpose of telling us about as good as everything about what will happen in s5.

Everything in s4 is happening in Sherlock’s mind palace, he is still on the plane from HLV/TAB on his way back from his 5 minute long exile.

“But what about TST and TLD?”, I can hear you asking. Well, those are simply cases Sherlock reconstructed in his mind palace. ‘The Six Thatchers’ already exists on John’s blog which Sherlock has been reading on the plane in HLV/TAB.

‘The Lying Detective’ is actually nothing more than ‘A Study in Pink’. (I will write about that in another meta.)

Before I get into the major topic, why is the episode named ‘The Final Problem’? Simply because of two reasons:

1. The fans. When ACD published TFP, it was to kill Holmes off and bring an end to the story. However, the fans were so outraged about Holmes’ death that ACD was obliged to continue the story again after a while. Mofftiss are doing the same thing with us. So far, we always had cliffhangers at the end of every season. S4 finished like it was the end of the whole series, just like ACD tried back then. But, just like the old times, fans have been outraged about the whole thing, demanding a new episode or a whole new series. Mofftiss let us go through the same hell.

2. The prediction. Sherlock can’t go into battle without having a battle plan. The Game is all about The Final Problem, hence he’s got to know what The Final Problem is actually about. And, through millions of metaphors, he analyses himself to see what Moriarty wants to do. Which brings us to the question:

What is The Final Problem?

If we just look at TFP, The Final Problem is the little girl on the crashing plane. Sherlock needs to safe her. But that’s something I won’t go into in this part, since I dedicated the whole topic to part 2 of this meta. Just keep in mind for now that it matches up with the theory I will explain to you here.

Because, if we look back on all the former episodes, The Final Problem has been mentioned a few times already.

There was this one scene in TRF, where storyteller!Moriarty repeats and repeats that ruining Sherlock’s career is not The Final Problem.

That may have been the reason for the strange intro in TFP, Moriarty serves as the storyteller completing his story.

But that is not the only time The Final Problem is mentioned.

Again in TRF, Moriarty asks Sherlock outright if he's already figured out what The Final Problem is AND he adds that he's already told him. What exactly did he tell Sherlock before?

That's it. Sherlock's got a heart, which he cannot have, if Moriarty wants to possess him like he always did.

(This can be easily backed up by the psychological proof that psychopaths are incapable of loving.)

Sherlock loves and that's the big problem - The Final Problem.

But how do you make someone 'incapable of loving'?

You traumatise them.

Now, traumas can happen at any age but can have severe effects on a child.

And we know, through a few logical conclusions and the material we get from the show, that Sherlock very likely already suffered a traumatic experience as a child:

His best friend Redbeard was taken down.

We are told numerous times throughout the show that Sherlock never really had any friends, his only "friend" was Redbeard.

Unfortunately, his dog was euthanised, an experience that mast have been really bad for little Sherlock, not only because his beloved pet died, but because the only soul that loved him back (apart from family) was gone.

Suddenly, the little child was completely alone, a situation which can absolutely cause a trauma.

As an effect, his behaviour changed. If we believe Mycroft’s retelling of his, Sherlock’s and Eurus’ childhood (and we should, since that’s actually Sherlock telling himself this), we know that Sherlock was an emotional child before Redbeard’s death.

That’s one of the symptoms to a trauma, something you can read about here. If you don’t want to read it, I will list some reactions that could match Sherlock’s behaviour:

- social isolation & withdrawal

- changes in eating & sleeping patterns

- detachment from other people & emotions

- emotional numbing

- guilt (I will come back to this later)

Additionally, here are some examples for a child’s reactions to traumas:

- changes in eating habits

- becoming more demanding or difficult

- changes in their relationships with siblings, such as becoming more competitive or aggressive

- needing to relive the trauma (Sherlock’s already an adult when he is reliving the whole thing in his mind palace but he probably never let himself do it before. He always tried to suppress it.)

- withdrawal (in terms of not sharing thoughts & feelings)

It's very likely that this was the reason Mycroft started to tell Sherlock all that "Caring is not an advantage."-stuff.

He saw how much Sherlock suffered under the loss of Redbeard and tried to prevent the same situation from happening again.

What Mycroft perhaps didn’t expect (nor want) is that Sherlock took his little wisdom to heart too much.

As a cause, little Sherlock became generally emotionally withdrawn.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Everything that happened to Sherlock is exactly what Moriarty tries to achieve.

Only this time, he wants to burn his heart out, not just a friend but his love.

We know, and Moriarty definitely knows, too (, he has been obsessed with Sherlock since childhood after all), that killing John would completely break Sherlock.

What we don't know is to what extent.

BUT, don't be scared, our detective is aware of what will happen!

TFP is all happening in his mind palace, he is trying to detect what The Final Problem will contain.

Eurus, a Moriarty mirror, even tries to kill John off the same way as she did Redbeard, only that it isn't burning but the complete opposite: drowning.

Why? Somebody wrote a meta about water being a metaphor for emotions. (If this person reads this, just let me know so I can leave a real link here!)

They are DYING IN HIS EMOTIONS he so desperately kept locked away deep down in his mind palace - deep waters (this is a reference to a former meta I wrote here).

That's actually even more tragic, since Sherlock's love is the cause for their deaths, he blames himself for it.

So, the first prediction of this meta is:

The climax of s5 will be Moriarty trying to kill John. He will not succeed.

This is the "1895" of BBC Sherlock, the actual Reichenbach scenario of this adaption.

But we know that "1895" has been broken through, Mofftiss has intended another ending.

[there-will-be-a-way]

Something about making your mother cry that makes you think you need to go to jail