#I'm ready to ve OUT of here tho

[spidybaby]

Begin Again | Part Four

Summary: It's all about the hating, the loving and the healing... but in that order?

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: It's been a long time, but here it is. Love you all for being so patient and sweet with all the messages and anons asking me if I was okay and sending me love while I was sick 😭❤️ sorry if I didn’t answer, I wasn't that much on my phone but I'm thankful for all the messages and love you send me 😣💛

Dedicated to: @gaviandgrizisgirl because she motivate me to write and post this as quickly as possible. Luv you 💛✨️ (btw go read her work, is amazing, you'll love it 😀❤️)

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

17:45 p.m.

"Déjame ayudarte con eso, " Elena says. As she picks up the straightener, she is as nervous as you are. "Estoy tan emocionada, yo te ayudarme a planear la boda. Ahhhh!" (Let me help you with that. I'm so excited, I'm helping you plan the wedding)

You smile at her, your words are out due to being nervous. You feel like throwing up but weren't.

You made a small talk about something she was promoting while she was straightening the last piece of hair. That was cut off by the baby monitor announcing that your baby was done with cocomelon.

"Ya, ya, ya voy, mi amor." (I'm coming, love)

You finish with the hair as your son begin crying for attention.

"Ay ya mijo, no te puedes entretener solo? Andamos ocupadas." Elena says, picking him. He stops crying, looking at her with a confused expression. "Ya ves? Todo bien. Hoy tenemos pijamada, usted se duerme en el lado izquierdo y yo el derecho." (Omg baby, can't you entertain yourself? We're busy. You see? Everything's fine. Today, we have a slumber party, you'll sleep on the left side and I'll sleep on the right one)

You laugh at her. She's so special to him.

"Vente, solo me haré algo natural de maquillaje." You say picking your products, barely any, some concealer, powder, blush, waterproof mascara (that's essential). (Come here, I'll just do some light makeup)

18:50 p.m.

"Bueno, ya quedó. Dejo todo ahí en la cocina y me voy corriendo antes que llegue." Fernando says, throwing some used napkins. He prepared some pasta, your favorite actually, and he helped Pedro pick some nice outfit for the night. (Okay, it's done. I'll leave everything in the kitchen, and I'm out before she arrives)

Pedro hugged his brother, thanking him for the help. He was nervous, and Fer knew it.

"Tranquilo chaval. Todo irá bien" Fer palms his back and walk to the door. "Pedro, me llamas mañana a primera hora para contarme como te fue, si?" (Relax, everything is going to be fine. Pedro, call me first thing in the morning and tell me everything.)

Pedro nods, nervous at the time, and at everything.

"Por cierto," he says. Before the door closes. Pedro looks confused at him, waiting for him to speak. "Te deje unos condones en el nochero." He winks and laughs, noticing his brother blushing like crazy. "Te quiero niño, adiós." (By the way, I left some condoms on your nightstand. Love you, kiddo, bye)

18:59 p.m.

"Bien, me voy," you say as you spray some perfume, his favorite as you recall. You were done with the feeding and ready to leave. "Adiós amorcito, mami te va a extrañar mucho." You kiss him several times on both cheeks. "Si te da problemas, en serio llámame, aun que no creo que despierte, si lo hace hay leche que recien me saqué en la nevera, solo calientala y dale eso." (Okay, I'm leaving. Goodbye, my love, mommy's going to miss you so much. If he gives you problems, please call me, even tho I don't think he wakes up. If he does, there's fresh pumped milk in the refrigerator. Just warm it up and feed him)

"Ay ya largate." Elena says, pushing you to the door. "Te deje unos condones en la bolsa, la de la izquiera, no quiero otra sorpresita" (Omg, just go. I put some condoms on your purse, left bag. I dont want another surprise)

"Qué?" You look at her confused.

"Shh, adiós mami." She says, making Polo wave his hand.

You shake your head, smiling at her.

But when you open your door, the one surprised is you.

"Mamá? " You open your eyes all the way, you didn't invite her, you didn't call her. Why was she there? "Qué haces acá?" (What are you doing here?)

"Nena, que guapa. Te traje una carbonara, tu favorita de tu restaurante favorito en Barcelona. Sé que la última vez que nos vimos no te portaste tan bien conmigo pero, hijos. Ya entenderas cuando Polito crezca." She says, pushing you to enter. (Baby, how pretty. I brought you some pasta carbonara, your favorite from your favorite restaurant in Barcelona. Even tho the last time we saw each other, you weren't so nice, but you know, kids. You'll get it when Polito grows up)

You scuff. You weren't nice? What about her? Saying how Pedro was going to take your son away. How you were going to go back crying to them for help.

"Mamá, voy de salida. Gracias por traer la pasta. Elena se la puede comer o te la puedes llevar." You say grabbing her by the arms just in time. She was about to grab Polo from Elena's arms. (Mom, I'm actually on my way out. Thanks for the pasta. Maybe Elena can eat it, or you can take it back)

You grabbed the pasta from her, leaving it on the little table beside the door.

"Pero si vas de salida, entonces déjame cuidar a mi nieto, nadie mejor que una mamá para cuidar de los bebés de su bebé." She tries to enter one more time. "Y/n, quítate." (But if you're on your way out, I can take care of my grand baby. Nobody like mommy to take care of her baby's baby. Y/n, get out of the way.)

"No."

"No?" She scuffs "acaso te volviste loca? Que te pasa? Tu no eres así, nunca me habías hablado así" she looks at you with this hurt expression, one you usually fell for, but not this time. (Are you out of your mind? What's wrong with you? You're not like that. You never spoke to me like that)

You grabbed your doorknob as you take some steps, making her step back. "Mamá, voy de salida y Elena va a cuidar a Polo, voy tarde. Adiós." (Mom, I'm on my way out, Elena is taking care of Polo. I'm already late, goodbye)

You kissed her cheek and walked to your car. You turned it on. She was still standing on the same place.

You picked up your phone, texting Elena to not let her in, no matter what.

You notice the time. Already 19:10

"Me cago en la." You say as you drive off your house.

19:16 p.m.

"Mierda" Pedro says, looking at his phone, you were not someone who was late to almost anything.

He calmed himself, thinking maybe is the traffic, maybe she went for gas, maybe she's nervous and driving slowly. Maybe there was some roadwork and she had to take another street.

His mind began to overthink against him. And just in time, the doorbell saves him from his own mind.

He runs to the front door and takes a look of himself in the mirror he has there. "Bien, como dijo Fer, todo estará bien," he say to himself. The walk to the door is a quick one. He takes a few breaths before opening. (Okay, like Fer said, everything is going to be fine)

When he opened the door, nothing prepared him for the view. Even though you didn't change much, there was something different. You looked more beautiful. The way your hair is done looks stunning. The way your smile is shining is like no other.

Not to say your body, you were slimmer than the last time, more here, less there but the same one he loves.

"Dios, estas preciosa," he says without thinking. "Perdón, hola." He shakes his head as you laugh. "Hola va primero, pasa por favor." (Gosh, you look beautiful. Sorry, hi. Hi, is it first)

"Hola, Pepi." You say walking inside. "Tu también te vez muy bien." You laugh. (You look amazing, too)

"Venga, vamos adentro." He closed the door. (C'mon, let's go inside)

He doesn't know if his actions are some muscle memory or if his brain is not coordinating the best. But when he extended his arm for you to take his hand like he used to, at first he didn't notice, but after a few seconds and your hesitation. He slowly pulled back.

But, before he could, and for his surprise, you did take his hand.

"Vamos." You say smiling at him. (Let's go)

The smile on his face is the biggest he ever had since the last time you were together.

That was something everyone noticed. His smile wasn't the same, his was always so into his mind.

"Tienes hambre? Fer me ayudo a preparar tu comida favorita." He says, guiding you to the kitchen. (Are you hungry? Fer helped me cook your favorite food)

You nod smiling, knowing how good that must taste.

Fernando was one of the best chefs you have ever known. He even opened his own restaurant. It was amazing, and he was so successful.

"Mucha. De hecho." You begin talking, but stop when you realize what you were about to say. (Yes, actually...)

Normally, your way of talking was mom on if someone asked you, "You hungry?" You would say,"Yes, breastfeeding makes me hungry." Which is what was about to happen.

"De hecho qué?" He asks, serving the pasta.

"De hecho, tu sabes, yo siempre tengo hambre." You laugh, hoping that was good enough. (Actually, you know, I'm always hungry)

He laughs, nodding "cuándo volviste?" He says, grabbing both plates. "Acá o en el comedor?" He asks you. (When did you come back? Here or at the table?)

"Acá esta bien, déjame ayudarte con eso." You say taking two cups and serving some water. (Here it's okay, let me help you with that)

He places the plates down, picks some forks and napkins.

"Queres vino? Tengo uno buenisimo que te va a encantar, o prefieres algún cóctel? Sé hacer unos ufff, Robert me enseñó." (Do you want some wine? I have a really good one, you'll love it. Or do you prefer a cocktail? I know how to make some, ufff, Robert taught me)

Normally, you used to drink wine or a cocktail when you had dinner dates or when you were around him watching a movie or spending time together.

But the feeding was something that had you at cero alcohol. You pretend to get a text just to Google if one glass was okay. Maybe not? You didn't think about that.

"Amm, déjame responder esto rápido, perdón, el trabajo." You say nervously. He nodded, not taking too much care. (Let me answer this quickly. Sorry, it's from work)

A quick Google search taught you that you could, but had to pump and throw that milk away because that's where the alcohol would be.

"Perdón, deja lo pongo en no molestar." You say, now more relaxed. "Un poco de vino no matará a nadie." You joke, making him laugh. (Sorry, let me put it on. Don't disturb. A little wine never killed nobody)

Once you both sit down and begin eating, you notice how different he is. The beard was more prominent, more styled, too. He has this more prominent dark bag under his eyes. This guy never rests.

"Me gusta tu barba, esta más estilizada y te sienta mucho más." You say honestly, "pero sabes, debes dormir más, qué son esas ojeras Pedro? Te pasas jugando hasta tarde de nuevo?" (I like your beard. It's more stylish and it fits you so well. But you know, you need to sleep more. What are those bags under your eyes? Are you playing video games till the morning again?)

He rolls his eyes. "Ay mamá, pero primero me halagas y luego me matas, venga que deja que el vino haga efecto preciosa." (But you first compliment me and then trash talk me, at least let the wine get into my system baby.)

You both laugh.

And it feels good. Being like this again. Being so close and able to joke without worrying.

The jokes continue. You both know you have a talk, but you want to enjoy the beginning of the night first.

"Déjame ayudarte." You take both plates and take them to the sink and wash them. (Let me help you)

He looks at the way you're washing the dishes, even when it's a completely normal thing to do. You doing it for the first time in so long was something he couldn't believe.

"Pedro," you say, noticing how lost he is. "Estas bien?" (Are you okay?)

"Si si si, quieres ir a la sala? Ahí estaremos más cómodos." He's nervous, and so are you. (Do you want to go to the living room? We will be more comfortable there)

You nod, walking to the living room.

Your heart is beating faster.

Your hands are sweating.

Or was that the water you didn't dry?

Guess you can blame the water.

"Yo quiero"

"Necesito decir"

You both talk, laugh at how coordinated that was.

"Vamos preciosa, comienza tu." (C'mon baby, you go)

You opened your mouth, but nothing was coming out.

Even when you practice how you were going to say the things you want to say. Nothing.

"Okay, entonces voy yo." He laughs, trying to make you feel less nervous. You nodded. "Bien, no es fácil poner todo en palabras y perdón si la cago, créeme que estoy jodidamente nervioso y siento que el puto corazón me va a salir del pecho. Y, la verdad no sé ni por qué empecé diciendo esto, creo que, ammm, Okay." (Okay, so my turn. It's not easy to put everything into words, and I'm sorry if I fucked up, believe me I'm fucking nervous and I feel like my fucking heart is going to burst out of my chest. And to be honest, I don't know why I'm saying that. I think that, ammm, okay)

He pauses, breathing deeply.

"Perdón," he says, looking at you. "Por haberte dejado tan de la nada. Se que fui una mierda contigo y créeme que no fue como lo planeé. Yo en serio no quería lastimarte." (Sorry, for leaving you so out of nowhere. I know I was a piece of shit with you, and believe me, it was not how I planned it. I didn't mean to hurt you)

"Y por qué lo hiciste?" You ask, eyes never leaving his. (So, why did you?)

"Porqué fui un cobarde, porqué no puse tus sentimientos o los míos primero, porqué dejé que otros dictarán nuestro futuro y me arrepiento tanto. Si tuviera una maquina del tiempo regresaría a esa noche y cambiaría todo." (because I was a coward, because I didn't put your feelings and mine first, I let others dictate our future, and I regret that. If I had the chance, I would go back in time and change everything)

"A qué te refieres con qué dejaste que otros dictaran nuestro futuro?" No te entiendo. (What do you mean you let others dictate our future? I don't get it.)

"Es a lo único a lo que le prestaste atención?" He asks, trying to change the subject. (It's the only thing you paid attention to?)

"Pedro," you say with that tone he knows, that mom tone when you won't take his bullshit for an answer.

"Venga que al menos dime que me perdonas." He tries again, failing. (C'mon, at least tell me you forgive me)

"Pedro, responde mi pregunta." You say downing your tone a little bit more.

He shakes his head. He didn't want to tell you about that conversation with your father, but another lie is not the best way to go now.

"Mira, tú padre y yo hablamos. Y él estaba tan seguro que tú me dejarías y yo solo quería la jodida bendición. Por qué no me dijo si y luego me odio en secreto? Joder, preciosa lo siento tanto, yo no debí escucharle pero sus palabras se sintieron como putas puñaladas y tu no querías irte a Portofino. Y tu ibas a decir que no. Tenías un futuro tan brillante delante de ti y yo solo era un jugador de fútbol. (Look, your father and I had a talk. He was so sure you'll leave and I was just looking for the fucking blessing, why couldn't he just smile and hate me in secret? Fuck, baby I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have, but his words hit me like fucking daggers, and you did wanted to go to Portofino, and you were going to say no. You had a bright future ahead, and I was just a football player. Your dad was right)

"Pedro, espera."

You didn't get that much because of how fast he was talking, but enough for you to understand.

"Mi papá te dijo qué?" You ask. (My dad told you what?)

You weren't going to imply that he was lying, but you needed to know if what you heard was right.

"Tu padre y yo." He tries, but you interrupted him.

"Mi papá te dijo qué?" You repeat getting up from the couch.

"Preciosa, por favor sientate." He tries to grab your arms, wanting to calm you down.

"No, Pedro." You back away. "Dime que me estás mintiendo." You can feel the tears. "Pedro, por favor." (Tell me you're lying.)

He cursed mentally at himself. He didn't want to lose you again.

"Y/n, por favor. Déjame explicarte." He's up now, eyes asking for permission to touch you.

"Es solo que. Si él te dijo eso. Entonces todo lo que me dijo a mi fueron mentiras." You say shocked. "Todo este tiempo él me dijo que eras un imbecil por haberme lastimado. Como nos miraba juntos y como estaba con el corazón roto por no vernos juntos en el futuro." You were in a shock moment. "Entonces, todo eso. Todo lo que hice. Todo fue por sus mentiras?" (is just, if he told you that. Then, all the words he told me were just lies. All this time, he told me you were an asshole for hurting me. How he saw us together and how heartbroken he was by us not getting a future together. Then all of that. All I did was. It was because of his lies?)

You tried to take deep breaths.

All the times he let you cry on his shoulder. All the words. All for nothing.

And then he, let you be alone your whole pregnancy, give birth without Pedro.

"Preciosa. Respira por favor." Pedro says, his hands on yours trying to help you breathe. (Baby, breathe, please.)

You shake your head no, you weren't mad at him but at your father.

You free your hands and grab your purse. You needed an explanation. And you were getting one.

"Es que me va a escuchar." You storm out of the house, Pedro calling your name and trying to get you before leaving. "No," you say as he grabs your arm.

"No te voy a dejar ir así." He closed the door back again. "Por favor, vamos a calmarnos."

"Es que no lo entiendes. No sabes lo que hice y ahora más que nunca sé que me vas a odiar por haberlo hecho. Pero no puedo quedarme así." You say, freeing your arm and quickly opening the door. (You don't get it. You don't know what I did. And know I know you'll hate me it. But I can't just let this go)

"Joder, que no te vas a ir." He says, taking your keys. "Mira, no sé que hiciste pero yo jamas te voy a odiar. Por favor, Y/n vamos adentro y hablamos. Cuando te calmes te puedes ir." (Fuck, you're not leaving. Look, I don't know what you did, but I'll never hate you. Please, let's go inside and talk. When you're calmer, you can leave)

"Ven conmigo entonces." You say, grabbing his arm and pushing him to the drivers side. "Te prometo explicarte todo." (Come with me then. I promise I'll explain everything)

He wasn't sure, but he knew how stubborn you're and how you weren't getting back inside.

"Ve por las llaves y cierra la puerta de la casa." He sighs. (Go get the keys and close the door)

While he enters the car, you run back inside and search for the keys where you know he always left them.

Grabbing them and running back outside he has the car on and ready.

"Te recuerdas donde queda la casa de mis padres?" You say grabbing your phone. Texting you father to know if he was home. (Do you remember where my parents' house is?)

"Estas segura?" He asks, really not sure about this whole plan you just thought. "Mira, podemos manejar un rato y así nos calmamos." (Are you sure? Look, we can drive for a while, and we can calm down)

"Pedro, por favor. Hazme caso a mi esta vez." You say as you get a message back saying he was home. (Pedro, please. Listen to me this time)

He didn’t say more.

The drive was quick, something he didn't appreciate.

When he parked outside, you quickly took your seat belt off, running to the door. Thankfully, you still had the key.

"Papá." You scream. "Papá."

You went to his office, he was always there.

"Y/n? Que haces acá?" Your mom says once she sees you. (What are you doing here?)

"Tú sabías?" You ask, angry. "Mamá, tú sabías que Papá le dijo a Pedro que me dejará para yo irme a Italia?" (Did you know? You knew dad told Pedro to break up with me so I could go to Italy)

Your mom stayed quiet.

"Lo sabías" you say. (You knew)

"Calmate, todo tiene explicación." She says, getting closer. (Calm down, everything has an explanation)

"No te me acerques." You say in a tone of voice you didn't even recognize. (Stay away from me)

"Qué carajos esta pasando en esta casa?" You dad says as he approaches both of you. "Y/n mi amor por que gritas?" (What the hell is going on in this house? Y/n, baby, why are you yelling?)

You had to calm yourself. You wanted to slap him. Hurt him. But no, he was your father. And as much as you want to you won't.

"Explicame algo." You say. "Por qué me dijiste que estabas tan triste por mi ruptura con Pedro cuando tú." You say putting your finger on him. "Tú le pediste que me dejara, cuando tú le dijiste que no era suficiente para mí?" (Explain something to me, why did you say you were so sad for my break up with Pedro when you ask him to leave me? You told him he wasn't enough for me)

"No sé de lo que hablas." He says, pushing your hand away. "Estas bien? Te miro alterada, quieres un té?" (I don't know what you're talking about, are you okay? I see you're upset. Do you want some tea?)

"No te atrevas," you say, backing off a little. "Ya sé todo, al menos se hombre para admitirlo." (Don't you dare. I know everything. Be man enough to admit it)

"No me hables así, para empezar." He says, elevating his tone of voice. "Y si lo hice, qué? Yo quería más para ti, no un tipo que se gana la vida pegandole al balón." (Don't talk to me that way. If I did, what about it? I wanted more for you. Not just some dude that makes his bag from kicking a ball)

"Y qué?" You scuff "estas loco? Ustedes dos me manipularon para que yo pensara que Pedro estaba detrás de todo esto, que ya no me amaba. Y para qué? Por sus estúpidos estandares?" (What about it? Are you out of your mind? You two manipulate me into thinking Pedro was behind all of this. You make me believe he didn't love me and for what? For your stupid standars?)

"No son solo estándares, piensa las cosas niña, en serio esperabas que dejáramos que jodieras tu vida? Pagamos cantidades absurdas para que fueras a la mejor universidad solo para que fueras la esposa de un futbolista." He fake laughs. (They're not only standars, think this through kid, were you expect us to let you fucked up your life like that? Paying stupid amounts for you to go to the best college just to settle down to be a footballer wife?)

"Era mi vida," you scream. "mi vida, y ustedes no tenian por que quitarmela." (It was my life, my life. And you don't get to take that away from me.)

"Y/n por favor, cálmate, dejanos explicarte." She tries to hold you, but you push her away. (Y/n, please, calm down, let us explain everything to you)

"No lo entiendes." You say. "No entiendes nada, mamá." (You don't get it. You don't get it, mom)

"Claro que si. Amor por favor."

"No me toques" you yell at her. "Me dais asco." (Don't touch me. You both disgust me)

"Ya basta! Deja el drama." Your dad says as if is nothing. (Oh, stop it. Stop the drama)

You laugh, shaking your head. They don't get it.

"No es drama, papá." You say as the words come out with venom. "Ustedes me manipularon para pensar que todo fue distinto. Mierda, me la pase sola." You cry. (It's not drama, dad. You both manipulated me into thinking everything was different. Shit, you let me be alone)

"No estuviste sola, estábamos contigo. Paulo, Elena, tu papi y yo." You mom says.

"No, no es a lo que me refiero. Me dejaron estar sola nueve meses. Y tú." You point at your mom. "Me convenciste de no decirle nada, de que sola estaba mejor. Y yo te creí, porque pensé que él ya no me quería." You were crying badly at this point. (No, that's not what I meant. You both let me be alone for nine months. And you. You convinced me into not saying anything because I was better alone. And I believed you because I thought he didn't love me anymore)

You clean your tears. They weren't worth it. They don't even care.

"Por ustedes Pedro no conoce a nuestro hijo." You say sadly. "Por ustedes se perdió tantas cosas de nuestro hijo." (Because of you, Pedro doesn't know our child. Because of you, he missed so many things of our child)

"Nuestro qué?" (Our what?)

You feel how the air is stuck in your throat.

You turn around. Here he is, keys in one hand, purse in the other.

"Pedro."

Tag list:

@alwaysclassyeagle @footballerficsposts @gulphulp @cinderellawithashoe @jajajhaahaha @bellinghambby22 @pablogavisgirl @lunamelona @christinabae @103009 @pedrileclerc @pampeop @magicalfundragon @helanahaadock @eau-rougee

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

l, i was wondering if u could give me some suggestions on an issue i am facing.. its been 6 months since me n ex broke up (on winter solstice nonetheless..) for very good reasons after 3 yrs, we really were doing some damage to each other for a while , triggering each others core wounds like Crazy. i reaally was in a bad place for the whole last yr of it and now really do feel so much better being out. however we lived together for yrs and they were who i was closest to for so long, n we were each others first love once before at 16/17. i felt just anger for months, but now its residing and i just feel soooo tied to them still… i do not want to get bacj w them, but so much of my time now is spent in deep nostalgia of the happy/quiet moments, wanting the good of those times back even tho logically i know its Impossible. wishing i could go back and do it again. wanting to reach out even tho i know it would only be detrimental. i was wondering if u have any tips on balancing this miss with continuing to move on, as i know i must finally do so fully — i feel the anger was keeping me moving forward, but now that its waning i fear getting stuck in this state. i feel as tho this is why we got back together to begin w. anyhow thank u as always fer ur infinite wisdoms x dog bless

hello <3 i understand... both of us had big endings at winter solstice lol what kind of assertive force was in the air back then i wonder ! here's my advice althoug it seems to me u already know what's right for you so it's sort of just reinforcement of your feelings ---

first thing i want to get out of the way is that if you and this person were meant to be together i believe the breakup never would/ve happened & there would've never been a single doubt in your mind about this partnership. I can say this after spending a few years living with slimbo, like, We endlessly grow closer, our bond is fully forged in stability and peace and understanding. There is not a single moment in the past few years of being in their presence that i've had a single doubt of our longevity. We do not make each other's life hell in even the slightest sense. if something comes up we work it out within that day and it never carries over to the next. And that rarely occurs.

Previously in life i did not know such harmony could exist, but now that i know, i look at all my old relationships like damn, i can't believe i ever thought that person could've been "the one" when we clashing so often. And i mean it's not like i could've known better because for most of us, we grow up in families that face much conflict, you just think Oh this is normal right? People fight and thats normal, there's tension and it's normal. Well now i know it is NOT normal and when you find someone who's really ready to meet you where you're at it creates harmony, true harmony, even if external conflict arises it brings you closer, you can solve any problem together, you're on the same level.

(Also i'm not sure how old you are but i think it's super rare to find this type of harmony until a little later in life because youth is confusing & people are still figuring themselves out, gaining the maturity it takes to be a reliable partner and whatnot).

But what i feel is happening for you and this person is that you went through all these formative experiences together, and maybe you're missing the rush of that more than you miss the actual person. Like maybe you're just bored xD that's not meant to sound harsh im just being real. boredom often leads to nostalgia. a little nostalgia here and there can be fun & transmuted into new experiences but being overly absorbed in nostalgia is not conducive to growth, only stagnation. do not fall victim to halo effect just because you're bored or lonely!!

If you were to get back with this person it would 1) block the way for someone who truly matches your frequency to come through, and 2) Likely your repressed anger and resentment towards that person would begin to infiltrate the relationship again pretty quickly. It's not fair to them, nor is it fair to yourself, it would only prolong the suffering.

So i think to move forward from this experience you could try a few things. Firstly i think you're being called to really go inwards, figure out why you feel bored right now, why you feel something is lacking in your life when you have to be alone? Learn how to fill your time with more things you enjoy, becoming stronger in your self concept through introspection, hobbies, leisure, just having fun by yourself. When you can do stuff like this it actually makes you very attractive & radiant in a way that magnetizes people who are also pretty solid in themselves. U just can't really have a good healthy relationship unless both of you are solid and Know Yourselves like thats just a universal truth.

And another thing i'd consider trying is like, meditations where you envision yourself cutting the chord that energetically binds you to this person from your past. That is if you want to get a little woowoo with it. But i really believe in the effectiveness of those exercises. Don't rush into it, just like, when you feel truly ready, let it go. You can still hold your memories and honor your experience with them without wanting them to be in your physicality again. There are exes who i haven't spoken to in yeeeears who i actually can look upon much more fondly now that i've let go. i forgive them and wish them well but it's nice to be distant.

don't be afraid of change~~~don't be afraid that a better match will never come along for you. I didn't foresee anything about the romance i have now before it happened. I knew i wanted to find a love that felt balanced and fulfilling but not All-Consuming. by a total random sequence of events, my vibe was met. You just never know whats around the corner ^^ The more open you are to change, the more change will find you. But you know going back to that person would just be a needless repeat of an old cycle. it's ok to still cherish them and keep moving forward. it's good you're able to feel less angry towards them now, that shows growth & maturity. But dont let it drag you back in !!

i hope this resonates and doesn't sound too preachy lol . Just hate to see someone fall back into Old HABITS. For your sake and the sake of your old partner. letting go is a crucial skill to learn in this life. Best of luck to you anon, you sound like a good person who wants to do their best & that will carry you far in life & love.

Sincerely

PMD9 <3

[01001100-dimension]

It´s been a long time.

So many things have come to pass, and i have lost touch. The funny thing is, even tho i have lost myself in myself, i have always known that, somewhere inside here, i lied all the time, forcefully resting in this soft field of confortable things to be protected from all harsh things that exist out there. Everytime i tried to go out, i pushed myself back in - because it´s for the best, and everytime i have for a slight second threatened to breathe wake up, i have numbed myself faster than i could notice me doing so. No more. It has been ok, after so many years and so many micro violently gentle acts aganist myself, i have gotten used to it, and it has in fact, overriden who i am, what i like, what makes me cry and laugh, and heck even what i care about or not, and this fake reality that i, for survival, desperatly needed to make true, became the truth, but at what price? I can´t say it´s been bad, or that i´ve been suffering, actually all of this has helped me recover from a very very hard hit that happened years ago, and i've been fine, and happy, and stable, and all of the positive things i have accomplished, i have found what i'm good at, and have kept the people i love close. Now i want more, my full redemption, my true healing. I will now turn myself back on, reconnect my wires and, well, wake up what i am so scared of: my tuth, my feelings, my love for life, my passion for whatever makes me passionate, my empathy, my deep, deep sensibility. I know it will not be easy, and i'm a little scared of what may be coming and what i could be ruining, but i'm ready, cause i know it will be worth it, it already is, and i promise to be gentle and kind to myself. I love who i am, and i will once again raise a glass to it.

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

Hi Comfy, I loved your last family fic so much. I wonder if you could do something similar but with Vesemir? So. I'm thinking, Vesemir hasn't had a chance to date because hes been too busy bringing up Eskel, Geralt and Lambert. He finally meets his childhood sweetheart, Guxart, and they pick up from where they left off. Only issue is, the witchers aren't too sure about getting a step dad!!!!!

I didn’t forget this babe 😘 however I gotta get up at 3:15 am so we’re gonna hit this one with a headcanon format bc I can crank it out faster.

I HC the boys to be teens (Eskel is 18 and Geralt is probably17- ish and Lambert is 14)

Warnings: mention of the foster system, weed, general teenage shenanigans? 

Ves wants the boys to meet Guxart before they make anything ‘facebook official’ - the boys groan at this. V not cool. Big boomer energy. 

Geralt does the typical ‘middle child bullshit’ and makes plans that he “just can't flake on dad! they need me there or the whole thing will fall apart!” - he’s gonna go snog Jask at the drive-in but don't tell Ves. 

Eskel just sighs and takes a massive bong rip right before Guxart gets there. He knows this is gonna be a shit show. He’s got the ‘oldest kid responsibility’ tho so he’s at least gonna be there. his sense of duty is a lil twisted but he's trying his best

Lambert prepares for WAR

He paces his room fuming, he doe not like new people, nor does he like the idea that his dad gets down. he can't handle it. Geralt and Eskel were the ones to give him The Talk. Thinking about Ves??? having a boyfriend????? oh my god?????

Guxart is old fashioned. He tries to talk sports, which almost works until he reveals he’s a fan of Lambert’s team’s rival. 

He tries doing the whole ‘here I brought candy’ but these boys were from the foster system before Ves adopted them and that just makes them edgy. 

He tries asking about their girlfriends and Lambert just snaps “You’re gay, you shouldn’t assume.” like a dickhead

Eskel is at least amiable, or so Ves thinks. He politely laughs at jokes, nods along to stories, asks interesting questions, until Lambert makes a rude joke and Eskel fucking loses it.

Cat’s out, Responsible Eldest Child TM is baked out of his mind and Ves is furious. 

Guxart goes home a little earlier than planned to “give them family time” - he’s just mildly terrified of the little one. 

Geralt comes home in the middle of them getting yelled at and tries to sneak Jask upstairs and that is its own lecture

In the end, they settle for a second go on neutral turf and Lambert takes a hit beforehand this time, not Eskel. 

Geralt is now ready for battle because of all the exaggerated shit he’d heard from Lambert, but he’s the quiet watching kind so he doesn’t pull anything before he’s sure. 

Guxart mentions he saw a really good musician at an open mic night at the coffee shop - it just so happens to be Jask and Geralt immediately likes him 

“He likes Buttercup’s singing, what asshole could like the sweet things he sings about?” - Lambert smacks him upside the head for this, but mostly because he’s tired of hearing “Buttercup this- Buttercup that” 

Eskel warms up a little talking nerdy shit. 

Lambert is still annoyed but stays civil at least. 

Ves deadass almost cries in the car on the way home because he’s just so relieved that his three little nightmares (whom he loves dearly) didn’t drive someone he thinks he really might love away. 

Lambert kinda feels bad and gives him a hug later, once the other boys had locked themselves away in their room, “Sorry dad. I didn’t think it meant that much to you.” 

Ves squeezes him tight and sighs, “I know. I wouldn’t bring someone home if I thought they weren’t good people.” 

Lambert has that really small voice again from when Ves first brought him in as a foster when he was 8, “I just forget sometimes.”

Cue the tearful father-son bonding moment a-la 90′s family drama

Things go much more smoothly after that

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hello!! These days have been really tiring with exams, grades, some work and, to make it worse, my grandmother came to live with us for a short time (you can tell I don’t have a good relationship with her, if you can call it that) so lbaf really has given me a distraction to put my overthinking brain into something else, so I just wanted to say THANKS!!💙 last time I couldn’t send my reaction cause I read it until the next day, but I’m going to send it anyways cause its funny to reread myself going crazy 😂

Hej igen! Så min kemitime blev aflyst, og jeg kan endelig læse dette i dag!

So, I have a lot of thoughts already, so I'll go to the point:

Divorce au: HOLY SHIT. It seems so amazing like... Just wow (Not making assumptions tho, since you said you still don't know much about it, so hope it goes well if you do decide to do it, sending my best vibes💙)

Seven sins au: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Dark Alec???? Dark Magnus???? DARK TMI GANG??? Sign me tf up!! I'm a simp for morally dark characters..

LBAF: I'm not ready...

Ok, that's it, now LET'S GO!

Right. Rafael 's body....

HOLY SHIT!! DARK! MAGNUS IS GIVING ME LIFE!!! OH GOD!!

SHIT JUST GOT REAL...

Oh no. They can't fight each other!!!

Yesss Selena!! Love her 💙

I'm living for the: "I will burn down the world for my son" of Malec

PARABATAI💙💙

Amira!! I’m love her!!!

“Gabriel is probably here too!!!” OH SHIT. I still don’t know what to think of them...they are suspicious…

Wait...Anjali is their friend?? I’m confused…

“Gabriel…Gabriel was just stupidly hot.” Selena’s train of thoughts got me laughing so hard😂😂

I DON’T ACTUALLY SEE THEM AND I’M SIMPING! Btw, which actor did you choose for Gabriel? Forgot the name...

“Gabriel would probably be the outcome if her father and Magnus had a baby” I… don’t know what to make of that…

Ugh, I want to fight everyone that gave Selena a hard time!!! GOOD ADVICE JACE!!

“Shall we, Sirenita?” Suddenly it's very hot here!!!

I mean...Gabriel’s got a point in the rich thing...

Shit. The seraph blades aren’t working again...

“Te ves como un ángel,” UHSDCHS WHAT?? OMG HE’S FLIRTING WITH HER?!?!

“I’m not going to touch you if you are not interested,” Gabriel pointed out. (Still don’t know what they are planning...BUT RESPECT!)

“Not gonna lie,” Amira said. “I think that fight turned me a little gay.” (LITERALLY ME RIGHT NOW!)

It's not Michael’s fault, but Zara’s and I hate her more now!!!

“She had met Michael when she was ten years old. And she hadn’t wanted to kiss anyone else since then.” THIS!! They are just 🥺🥺

I NEED THEM TO MEET!!

Roman is cute!!💙

YESS. SHE FIGURED IT OUT!! SHE KNOWS!! IT'S RAZIEL!!

HOLY SHIT I JUST REALIZED!! THEY NEED TO GET TF OUT OF THERE AND SOMEWHERE SAFE!! JDWHIW

HOLY SHIT. I hadn’t thought about the demon ichor as a solution!!! WOW. I LOVE HER. IT MAKES SENSE. WOW. Also, yess. What she said of Sebastian is just on point!!

THEM!! THAT TEAM IS JUST ON POINT!!

“Have you ever wondered what demon ichor tastes like?” “Gigi, don’t!” Roman yelled. But it was too late. (SHE IS MY NEW RELIGION!!)

YES. THEY DID IT. THEY FIGURED IT OUT. GIGI IS MY QUEEN!!!! JEJBKE

They need to go to Anjali…

Also, THEY NEED TO BE SAFE!!! NJDEUWH I loved this!!

YESS, ALEC AND CLARY BROTP SUPREMACY!!

OH SHIT. Magnus is going to Edom???

“Alec didn’t think. He jumped into the pentagram too.” Why is this something he would 100% do??

“Magnus, I swear by the angel, if you go to Edom, I will find a warlock, get my own pentagram and follow your dumbass to hell.” 🥺😂

The fact that “I love you” was the last thing he wanted to say to Alec is just heartbreaking!!

“It’s my heart, baby. It’s just a little tired.” Yup. This made me cry...

“Goddamnit!” Magnus swore. “Listen to me, you stupid nephilim. We’re going to fix this. I will find a way to fix it.” (Jjxiuajs I love a good parallel, but this hurts!!)

“I want to see you grow old. I want us to travel again. I want us to be there when Max inevitably gets arrested one day so we can bail him out.”😂💙

“Alec promised to give him the world. And somewhere along the way, underneath all the paperwork and parenting duties, he had forgotten that promise.” TOO MUCH, PLEASE NO

“But he missed the other two. Alec and Magnus. The archer boy and the high warlock of Brooklyn. He missed them so much.” Pain. That's it

“I will,” Alec nodded. “Magnus, I promise you. If Asmodeus is behind this, I will kill him myself. If, uh, that’s okay with you.” Magnus smiled. “You have my blessing.” (Normal things, you know? Asking if it's ok to kill your father-in-law)

I seriously want to stop quoting everything, but it just hits so hard!

WOW. THEM. TOO MUCH. LOVE THEM.

I mean...I kinda get Max, it's horrible when someone tells you they want to talk to you..

“The universe was a cruel bitch.” YES IT IS

“I can fix it,” Max looked up then. “I can fix your heart.” (I NEED YOU TO FIX MY HEART TOO)

SHIT. MAX NO

WOW. That was intense. I didn’t know it could be done… Oh...that makes sense

“Max, you can’t do anything stupid,” Mina said carefully. “You can get arrested for this!” “Meh,” Max said. “It was bound to happen anyway.” (I mean yes...but no!!)

“He was still fucking hungry. Sue him.” I can't with this dude😂

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THAT WAS A PLOT TWIST. WOW. I LITERALLY SCREAMED. WOW

THE MF DID THAT!! YESS. IT'S TIME RAZIEL DO SOMETHING (i get why he hasn’t, but still)

That chapter was WOW. Now I’m going to do my exam peacefully knowing everything is still fucked up :)

Farvel! Håber du har det godt og får nok hvile💙

(now onto next chapter...im scared...)

Omg why are grandmas are the best or the worst? Like there is no in between smh.

I hope you are doing okay. I'm sending you a shit load of good vibes and some serotonin 💙

Okay hmmm. Is this Finnish? Damnit! It's Danish. Also, yay no chemistry class!!!!

Thank you for your interest in the future fics. It's all in my head right now. Hopefully I will have time to write some of them next year!!!

I loooooove your reactions as usual. I hope the exam went well!!!!!

Also your thirst for Gabriel is the funniest lol. The face claim is Gabriela Ovalles :)

[vanchlo]

The Partner / Chapter Eight, "The In Between"

Word Count: 6.1k words /  Story Masterlist /  Read The Assistant /  Read on Wattpad / Song: Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns N' Roses (click to listen)

P.S. - Next chapter will be coming on March 23rd, but I only know this because I've written it already :P Otherwise, I know that they are pretty random which I'm sorry for. Thanks for reading!

"People live with things they don't talk about hidden in their heart."

- Un-Go アンゴ

There, I stop, because I realize what I’ve done. I hear it in my words and in her weeping, the step that I shouldn’t have taken. Without knowing, I spoke in present tense, and knew that I’d only made it worse. It reminded us of what we couldn’t have- what we wouldn’t have. What should’ve been. Should be.

Her head shook from side to side, although belatedly. Her cries had quieted at moments too, that is until her head dove back against my chest, and they returned. I held her there, pressing my lips to her head and closing my eyes, being sucked back into my thoughts. The should’ve-beens made a regretful comeback, and as each one paid a reminder to me, so did a tear down each cheek.

Two Weeks Earlier

Despite the sunshine pouring in through the window, the sight of the glittering snow outside my window chilled me to the bone. Wrapping my arms around myself didn’t help as the cold seeped in through my cardigan.

“Cold, again?” somebody chuckles from over my shoulder.

“Yeah. God, can you turn up the heat in this place, or what?”

“I dunno, you’ve already had me turn it up three degrees t’day. Not sure my Dad brain will allow me anymo.’ Yer gonna make me heatin’ bill skyrocket here soon.”

“Harry,” I giggle, looking behind me to catch his face just in time for him to surprise me with a hug from behind. “Come on, the baby and I are cold. You better soon, or else I’m buying a space heater for my office.”

“Yer gonna be usin’ that kid as an excuse fer ev’rythin.’ Arentcha, Becks?” a shiver runs down my spine at the feeling of his beard against my temple, but it doesn’t compare to his freezing hands on my stomach.

“Yes, because are you trying to make me turn into an icicle with those hands of yours?”

“What, I jus’ got back from lunch. ‘s winter outside, don’t y’know?”

“Wow, I had no idea,” I reply snarkily with a nod to my window before us.

“Watch it, sassy pants, or ‘ll keep those churros fer myself.”

The scoff is already curling my lips when I turn around, “You wouldn’t dare.”

“I would,” Harry contests, raising a brow at me until it all dissolves into his wheezy laughter. “Hey, put that pout away, sweetheart.”

“Don’t try to butter me up, mister,” I mutter, turning away from his waiting arms. His tongue clicks in response but I ignore it, starting for my phone that rings.

“Becks, I was only kiddin.’ Y’know I wouldn’t take away yer churros, love, they’re yer favourite,” he begins, but for some reason that really annoyed me. It doesn’t help when he takes hold of my hand, rooting me to the spot. “Hey, Crabby Pants, yer phone can wait. They can leave a message, but I wanna talk t’ my fiance.”

“What?” I mumble, facing him at last. The corners of his lips lift, and his contagious happiness is hard to resist.

“‘m sorry fer teasin’ you. ‘ll see ‘bout turnin’ tha heat up on this side, and yer churros are waitin’ in me office. ‘d never deprive my baby’s mum o’ her favourite food. No, not my wifey.”

“You better not,” I sigh, giggling against his lips when they press to mine. The gold flecks in his sage-colored irises catch the light when he looks down at me. Sometimes, I still wonder how the sunshine on his face could all be for me.

“I won’t,” Harry hums, reminding me of his own little ray of sunshine when his hand comes to my belly. “Ya should be careful with those churros, I think yer startin’ t’ show.”

“Am not.”

“Are to. Ya had a li’l bump this mornin’ when we were gettin’ ready. I saw it in tha mirror in tha bathroom when you were changin.’ Cutest thing I ever did see,” he coos, painting my face in thick strokes with that radiant smile of his. “Boobs are gettin’ bigger and bum too. ‘m likin’ this whole pregnant thing on you mo’ and mo’ ev’ry day.”

“Of course, you are,” I whisper, feeling the smile drain from my lips when the light catches it. The doctor said they’d fade with time, but three months on and the pink lines still won’t let me forget that nightmare I can’t escape. I saw them every day, in the shower with him or when I watched him get dressed beside me in the bathroom. The mornings when I woke up before him and dragged a finger across his tattoos. He was lucky that none of them were ruined by the numerous stitches, but they got by unscathed. I just wish I could say the same for everything else, for me.

“Hey, where’d that pretty smile go?” Blinking, I focus my gaze back on the dimples that fall into his cheeks.

“Your scars, they’re still . . ,” my train of thought disappears, because it’s nothing that I haven’t said before.

“Still there. I know, they jus’ don’t go away, buggie.” Frowning, his words sink in, but for maybe the fifth time. With a huff, I distract myself with the cream tie dotted with blush flowers that he picked out today. “Hey you, dontchu roll those pretty eyes at me.”

“I’m not.”

“But you are. ‘s it ‘cos somebody hasn’t had her churros yet this week?” his whiny voice grazes my ears from above. It’s difficult, but I control my lips and busy myself with picking a loose thread from his tie. “Becks, I see that smile,” he continues in a mocking tone, and soon I’m giggling against his neck as his nose drags along mine.

“‘Kay, baby, ‘m gonna go and grab yer lunch befo’ my meetin’.”

I whisper a ‘thanks’ against his lips before watching him disappear into the hallway. It’s not often, but my office is quiet, absent of the constant sounds of keys clicking, phones ringing, and a certain somebody being quite good at distracting me. Crossing the room, I plop down in front of my computer. The new messages showing on the side jump at my attention, but what grabs it is the picture frame beside it. With a smile that makes my cheeks ache, I pick it up to admire for the tenth time today. I’m sure that I’ll hit one hundred here, sooner or later.

“Think I like yer frame better, y’know.”

“Really?” I respond, lifting my eyes to Harry who sets down a greasy taco bag on my desk, a protein shake on the side. Don’t even get me started on how he’s already the nagging Dad.

“Ya, like the color and phrase better,” he notes, making me squirm from his hand on my side. It’s forgotten when it travels over to my belly, the exact place I hadn’t realized I’d laid a hand on too. “Can hardly believe it’ll be four months in two and a half weeks. We’re almost halfway there.”

“I know, it’s crazy to me.”

His mumbled agreement comes as I trace the lines of our baby’s profile over the frame’s glass partition. The same frame had sat on my desk for a while now, often updated with the newest sonogram picture after our latest ultrasound. One similar to it sat on Harry’s desk too, both a present from him. Several more occupied our fridge, phone lockscreens at times, and I’m sure in similar forms at both of our parents’ houses.

“Me too. I can’t wait tho,’ t’ be a dad.”

I didn’t think that my smile could get any bigger, but when I tip my head up to look at Harry hovering there, somehow it does.

“You’re going to be the best daddy.”

Sunshine fills every inch of his face, especially in the dimples caved into his cheeks. I hope our baby has those. Please.

“Why thank you. I feel rather lucky my kids get t’ have such a wonderful mummy too,” he notes with a quick wink, sponging a kiss to my forehead warmly. A few moments pass of admiring the picture until his voice interrupts my thoughts again. “Yer sure ‘s okay ‘m helpin’ My’ with that case in Bedford comin’ up?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind.”

“Won’t miss me too much, will you?”

Now, I don’t even bother to hide the way that I roll my eyes at him, accompanied by a sound of disgust. His nose wrinkles before his face creases in annoyance.

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” I almost retort with a joking tone, until I melt at the way he rubs his nose against mine in what some call a kiss. “We’ve been over this, Harry, it’s fine. Skye can stay the night with me if I get lonely, or something. I know an opportunity to have another win against your arch enemy can’t be passed up.”

This time, I really stumped him. It brings a song to my lips, because it’s not often that I get to surprise him anymore. Sometimes, I miss those days, but I’d never go back to them. No, we didn’t have the sweet honeymoon period of first meeting, it was the total opposite. I’d never give up where we’d finally gotten to now, engaged and expecting a baby in a little over five months.

“He ‘s not.”

Still, the crease between his eyebrows remains and I only want to laugh more, “Is too. Malakai Watters is your arch enemy, Harry. You’ve been griping about him since I first met you, no excuse about it is going to work on me.”

Shaking his head, I already hear the argument coming my way, “Watters ‘sn’t my enemy, you silly one, he never has been. ‘ve never had any enemies.”

“Lies and more lies. I’m pretty sure we were enemies once, but you’ll excuse that one too.”

“Eh, I think I can agree with that one,” his face has relaxed and so has his shoulders that rise and fall softly. The green in his eyes lights up when he cracks a laugh from above, despite still being upside down for me. At last, he spins me around and pins me with his hands planted on my armrests. He always has to hog those, at movies and in the car. “Enemies? I dunno ‘bout that word, but you drove me bloody mad in the beginnin,’ so much so ‘s a wonder ‘m marryin’ you now. Wouldn’t have believed anybody if they’d told me back then you’d become my bride. Snotty li’l Holte, me personal assistant.”

“Harry!” comes my exclamation, and like always, followed by his innocent giggle. Innocent, my ass.

“Hey, you were jus’ as guilty, Becks, don’t go denyin’ it. You did everythin’ in the fuckin’ book t’ push me buttons.”

I’m laughing before him and unsure of how to stop until grabbing hold of his neck to press my lips to his. His laugh buzzes against my mouth, cinnamon sugar sticking to his lips. That little churro thief. The gold in his eyes is sparkling when we separate, my cheeks aching once more.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” my question comes in a mumbled sigh, eyes darting between his reddening cheeks and glistening eyes. Wait, what? “Harry, why are you crying?”

“Have I ever told you how lucky I am t’ have you tho’?” Giggling for a reason I don’t know why, I lose myself in those neverending greens for the hundredth time.

“Perhaps, but another time wouldn’t hurt my ego.”

A wry titter escapes his lips for just a second when the first tear glides down his cheek. One that I immediately catch with the pad of my thumb.

“No, I mean it. We fought like cats and dogs when we first met, and we hated each other,” he goes on in a voice leaking of that molasses once more. Mine begin to part until his terse shaking head tells me ‘no.’ “Hush you, don’t you lie either. I know we hated each other’s guts nearly, but outta nowhere, you became my best friend. A few hundred hiccups between then and now, and look at us, gettin’ hitched and havin’ a baby.”

“Yeah,” is all that I can come up with. More like the only words I can shove past my lips. Ones that already tremble from the emotion spilled from his sunshine eyes. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“Reckon I have you t’ thank that fer, and loads mo,’” he corrects with wrinkled brows and a rub to my belly. Memories swim behind my eyelids as I kiss him back, hoping that if this is a dream after all, that I never have to wake up.

/

I wasn’t sure where I was anymore. No, this place I had never seen before with my two eyes, visited in my dreams, or travelled to in a book. Looking around me for some clue as to where I was, all I could see was golden trees, robin blue cloudless skies, and sunlight pouring in from every corner. It shined on my face and filled me with a warmth, one that I felt underneath my bare feet. When I peered down, my hands habitually went to my stomach but I found that it was completely flat once more.

A question filled my head instantly at the discovery, one that joined the many others of where I was, and everything that was around me. It all fell away instantly when something else took place inside of my head. I could never describe it to anybody or put my finger on it, but that feeling of mine told me that I wasn’t alone. Still with my hands on my stomach, I looked back up and found a young girl walking towards me. Sunlight shone down on her, following her as she walked through the kneehigh grass dotted with flowers. For a reason I couldn’t name, I didn’t want to look away from her in case she disappeared, but my attention was drawn to the beautiful field we were suddenly in. Wild flowers tickled my legs, reaching up to the lilac dress that fell to my knees and hugged the curve of my shoulders.

At the sound of rustling nearby, I glanced upwards once more to find her stopping a few feet away from me. There it was still, that feeling of mine, and as I stood there looking at her beaming up at me, I felt the way it filled my insides. There was something about her that I couldn’t figure out, but I feel like I should know who she is. I tried as I looked into her olive green eyes that sparkled with the secret she knew and I didn’t. A divot fell into one of her freckled cheeks as they rounded from her spreading lips. It sat there on the tip of my tongue as my feet led me forward, as if she was calling me to her. I didn’t know why or how I could, but I felt as if I knew her. This is what brought my hand forth to cradle her cheek, and thumb at the dark ringlets tickling her heart-shaped face.

She couldn’t be more than seven, a few years older than Harper. The second the thought appeared inside of my head, I wanted to shake it, knowing it couldn’t be. But as she stepped forward to wrap her arms around me, I felt the wetness descend onto my cheeks as she surrounded me with her sunshine like warmth. It felt as if I was hugging my younger self, because she was a spitting image of what I looked like, save for those green eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered against my dress where she nuzzled her head into my chest.

“What are you sorry for?” I asked in return, rubbing circles into her shoulder where the sleeves of her green dress ended, the same shade as her eyes. She didn’t offer an answer, only squeezed me tight before pulling away to look at me with furrowed brows. “What’s wrong?” the words spilled out when a tear raced down her cheek, her smile disappearing.

Again, she didn’t answer me, only hastily encircling me once again with her arms. Once more, questions danced around in my head, chasing answers that wouldn’t come, subconsciously or from this little girl. Somehow, I knew her and felt close to her, but I didn’t know how or why. She was beautiful and so sweet, I already knew but I wasn’t sure how.

An ache filled my chest when the next words left her lips, ones that I couldn’t begin to understand. “I’ll miss you.”

Instead of uttering another question that would go unanswered, I held onto her tighter, trying to make out what she had called me at the end there. It was a name, but not one I could remember now. The songs of birds flying overhead surrounded us, as did the trickling of a nearby stream, and a hummed song that I knew from somewhere. One he would always sing to me, but for some reason, I couldn’t recall who he was now.

“Who are-,” my long awaited question came, but it was torn away when I looked down to find my arms empty. In a confused blink, the grassy field decorated with flowers and sunshine was gone.

At my feet, sat cold tiling and the birds were no more. So was the sunshine and warmth. Shivering, I wrapped my arms around me, feeling very cold all of a sudden. Belatedly, I looked up and at my surroundings, wondering where I was now. A dimmed, empty room stared back at me, quiet from the sounds of the world until one broke through the silence.

A cry pierced my ears, and made me spin around. A door stood across the room to my right, where the sound came from. Without knowing what I was doing, my bare feet padded across the chilly floor, and I twisted the handle. Another room awaited me, but this one wasn’t empty. Nor was I alone.

Rows upon rows of hospital cribs stared back at me, little bundles of blankets sat in each one. Babies. They all were quiet except for one. My feet led me in that direction without me knowing it, because there it was again. My feeling. It guided me towards the sound, one that grabbed hold onto something deep inside of me. I knew what it was and what I heard, it was clear as day.

A smile shot up into my cheeks when I stopped at the cradle that held a squirming, crying baby. Its pink face was pinched from wailing, a blush colored hat covering its head as a striped blanket hid its body. But as I reached out to pick them up, I blinked and they were gone. Stepping back, I stumbled and righted myself. Where did they go?

Where’s my baby?

Tears clung to my eyelashes, blurring my vision as I stared at the empty crib. A divot in the miniature mattress stared back at me, and so did something else. My bottom lip wobbled as a briny tear ran over it, but it came to shake harder when I read the name card stuck to the inside of the rolling crib.

Annie S.

Before me, my hand trembled as I reached into the crib, feeling the corner of the card before-

“Becks, lovebug,” a voice murmurs, and the image is ripped away from me. With a jolt, I feel the warmth of a hand on my shoulder, rubbing a line down my back. I’m glad to have been woken up by him and torn away from that nightmare, but at the same time, I’m not. I wanted answers. “It’s time to get up and have a shower, my love. It’s six-thirty, you have to wake up soon so we can go to work.”

Gulping, nothing will go down as a ball sits in my throat. Peeling my eyes open, Harry and I’s familiar bedroom materializes before me. With a ragged breath that races to fill my lungs, a wetness paints my cheeks.

“You can sleep for a little longer, bug, but I’m going to hop in the shower, if you want to join me,” his whisper comes against my temple. Hastily, I turn to bury my face into the pillow, hiding my wet eyes. “Okay then, but you have to be up in half an hour,” Harry finishes, pressing his warm lips to the top of my head.

As I listen to the sound of his parting footsteps, I grasp onto the covers tightly. Only when I hear the spray of the shower and him close the door behind him, do I let loose my sobs into the pillow. I lie there, wondering, why the tears and what is that dream supposed to mean? I’d had weird pregnancy dreams before, vivid ones even, but nothing like that. No, never.

Who was that little girl, and how did I know her? And where had my baby gone, I think to myself as I rub at my belly, worrying away.

/

“Ree, what do you mean you’re not getting married?”

Rolling my eyes could not begin to convey the thoughts racing through my head, born out of her exclamation.

“Of course, I’m getting married, Skye. What, are you daft? That’s not

what I’ve said at all, if you’d been listening,” I tut with an unruly shake of my head, snapping the cap back onto the honey bottle. “You asked when the wedding was, and all I’ve said is that Harry and I don’t know with everything that’s changed. We had a date for August but cancelled it after we found out about the baby.”

The sofa sighs when I plop onto it, leaving my steaming mug on the table. My best friend of over twenty years tsks beside me, biting off the side of a cookie. Her faux disappointment is all but lost on her when her eyes brighten, cookie crumbs soon falling from her hands.

“Speaking of, let’s see that bump. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” she nearly squeals, reaching forward to lift my shirt.

“Goodness, Skye, assault me much? All you’ve got to do is ask, don’t need to be undressing me now,” my response comes in a giggle, one that soon falls away when her hands fly to her mouth. My lips soon slide into a smirk that I find hard to control at the sight of her, after lifting my shirt the rest of the way.

“Bloody hell, you do have a bump, and it’s getting big! Fuck, I wish my boobs were as big as yours. Totally unfair, that is.”

“I dunno what you and Harry are on about, I hardly see anything,” I remark with a shrug, the smile staying when her hand comes to rub my pale stomach. “I just look bloated.”

“Ree, come on,” she scoffs with a tilt to her lips that to my surprise, remains quiet as she stares at my stomach. “It’s more than just bloated, you idiot. You’re pregnant, you’re having a baby. Sure, it takes a while to show, but you’re starting to!”

“Hardly,” I chuckle, dropping my blouse once she leaned back against the pillow with her cup of joe. “It’s weird being at this awkward stage where I’m pregnant but I don’t look pregnant.”

“I can imagine, but hold on. Take a few steps back to the ‘not knowing when you’re getting married’ part. Do you and Harry really not know?”

“How are we supposed to?” it comes out in a laugh, not as I’d expected at all. “I’m due to pop this baby out around the same time we had it planned for in the first place.”

“So,” she begins whilst blowing on her coffee. Something clicks inside of me when that happens, along with the raise of her brow. “You’re just happy with waiting, and not knowing when it’ll be? That doesn’t sound like you, Ree.”

“Thanks for being depressing, Skye,” I try to say with a laugh, but it doesn’t go over well, because I can’t find one. No, if there was anybody else in the world who could read me like a book, it’s my first grade best friend. “No, I’m not really happy about waiting, but I’m excited about this baby, and what is being married besides vowing to date each other forever? No, it actually is okay. We’ll figure it out. Maybe we’ll randomly go to the courthouse one day- don’t worry, you’ll be invited, if we do. Or just wait and make it grand- you know, once I lose the baby weight or something.” I sip from my peppermint tea with a hand on my bump, knowing that I couldn’t be happier, but still wondering how we’re going to do all of this.

“Don’t be so sad, Ree, my god!” she exclaims with a playful swat to my shoulder. I laugh along with her, but as I stare into my tea, it doesn’t remain for long. She’d hit a nerve and with a cautious glance her way, I can tell that she knows it. “How’s about the house? The six bedroom and three bath with a grand yard, covered porch, marble kitchen island, fireplace, walk in closet, and dare I say, a pool?” she blabbers on in a posh sounding voice, making me laugh this time.

“Good, it’s um, good. I dunno what else to say, Harry’s the one who talks to the contractors and all,” I offer with an outstretched hand, unsure of my words.

“Come on, Ree, you’re building a bloody house!” her boisterous laugh comes. Her eagerness shows, as well as the three glasses of wine she had with dinner. I’m not sure the one cup of black coffee is going to help her much.

“I know, but I dunno- I more so just go over the plans with Harry and approve them, I guess?” I say with a large shrug of my shoulders. “There’s not much to update you on since you last asked about it. It’s a house, they take forever to build. I won’t get to have much fun with it until it comes to like, picking wallpaper and tiling.”

“Well, will it be ready by the time the baby comes?”

“I doubt it, but Harry keeps insisting it will,” I muse aloud, watching the ripples in the brown liquid when I blow on it, feeling the steam grace my cheeks. “It’s fine if it isn’t.”

“Your response to everything is ‘it’s fine,’ since when are you like that?”

Pressing my lips together, I lift my head to meet her curious stare, a tired one after that wine, “I’m just going with the flow, Skye. I’ve found it’s better than being upset about plans being changed. I wanted to get married, then build a house, and then have a baby. But it’s okay, we get to do the baby part first. It’s like dessert before dinner, and I can do that. It’ll be fun,” I tell her, feeling the truth in them as well as the grimy half-lie.

Should I tell her or will she brush it off, as if it’s nothing? It wasn’t nothing to me though, that dream this morning, it’s bothered me all day. I’m not sure how much longer I can go without telling somebody about it, but it scares me to have to recount it, and being afraid they’ll tell me it means nothing. Because that’s the last thing it meant to me, and something inside of me keeps telling me that I shouldn’t just forget about it.

“If you insist,” she sighs, clucking her tongue. “Are you two still meeting Asher and I tomorrow night?”

“Y-Yeah,” I answer shakily, too deep in my thoughts to notice the way the tea burns my lips. What if I can’t figure out what that dream meant, will it be okay?

/

A cacophony of sounds pelted my ears the second we walked in the door. Apparently we weren’t the only ones with the good idea of trying the new pizza and arcade place on a Friday night.

“Well, this place ‘s neat, innit?” Harry comments as we approach a table tucked into the corner, between skeeball and some flappy bird looking game.

“Yeah, it looks great. Loads of games,” Asher comments when we pull out chairs to sit across from them. “No, don’t sit down. We just ordered the pizzas, but they may take a little while. Let’s go and get started on the games. I saw Pacman and a Supermario game when we came in,” he continues emphatically, already getting up from his seat. Skye laughs beside him, joiningAsher as I let go of the chair.

We pass parents and children, teenage couples, and a few others like us on our way to the front. There, we find the machine that’s replaced the coin contraption back from our day. No, you no longer had to feed coins into each game and have paper tickets spit out at you.

“’s kind o’ sad, dontchu think? ’s all digital now. Ya don’t have tha fun anymo’ o’ counting tha tickets and yer coins,” Harry muses while sliding a card from his wallet.

“It’s easier to keep track of.”

“I suppose, but that’s no fun. It made me day findin’ a lost coin or line o’ tickets on the ground,” he hums with a shake of his head, pressing buttons on the touch screen. “How much should we do, you think?”

“I dunno,” I answer, forgetting the screen showing different dollar amounts and a description of how some games cost more than others. Instead, my attention is pulled to behind me. I’d seen her on our way in, but now, I look again at the mum sitting in the corner feeding her young baby, watching on as the dad holds up their son to shoot basketballs.

“Hey, ’m talking t’ you,” somebody says, nudging my shoulder with theirs. Turning back around, I find Harry’s green eyes waiting for me with furrowed brows. “Right now, we’re kids again with their friends, playin’ arcade games on a Friday night and stuffin’ themselves with pizza. We still have a ways t’ go on that, five and a half months actually,” he notes softly, nodding his head towards the mum.

“Yeah,” I murmur sheepishly, crossing my arms and looking back at the screen.

“I didn’t mean it rudely, Becks.”

“I know. A tenner should be fine, let’s just do that. We can always load more money onto it,” I insist, lifting my feet and clicking them together, like I’m Dorothy and wanting to go back home. Because, well, I do. It’s loud and my stomach hurts, I’m not sure from hunger or nausea, or both.

I’d been excited when we’d agreed to come here with Skye and Asher earlier this week, but no matter how much I tried to push it away, that stupid dream couldn’t be forgotten. Especially since I had it again last night, and I dreaded going to sleep tonight, in fear I’d see that mysterious little girl and that empty crib where our baby should be. It-

“Becks?”

“Wh-What?” I stammer, looking up quickly to find Harry waving a plastic card at me.

“We’re all set,” he announces, stepping to the side so Asher and Skye can buy theirs next. I follow him, moving out of the way for a little boy and his big brother to come through, rushing to the bathroom behind us. “You okay? Not feelin’ sick or anythin’, are you?”

I think about shaking my head, but when I look back into his eyes, I get The Look. The Harry Styles Look. The Look of all Looks. No, it wasn’t the killer stare I’d first familiarized him with when I sat at that desk at the end of his hall. This one came not soon after though, and it’d stuck. Ever since then he could read all of my tells, including how uncomfortable I am right now, or maybe just how I’m overthinking. He knew that look too.

“I’m probably just hungry.”

The curl hanging over his forehead is knocked loose when his head bobs up and down, but I reach a hand up to set it back in place.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get some pizza in that belly soon. I know how you’ve been craving it,” his dimples once again hide under his beard, one that had been growing thicker as the winter carried on. I feel its length when his lips sponge a kiss to my temple, his hand caressing my bump only a few seconds later.

“Thanks.”

After a few games, I found myself getting into it more and laughing at Harry’s competitiveness. I’d learned a long time ago that laughing about it was better than getting mad about it, and also that going to play games with Skye turned out better, watching the boys play from the sidelines.

“You doing okay, Boops? Tummy not good or are you tired?” the question came as I watched the little screen rack up my tickets from a Scooby Doo version of Whack a Mole. Instead of a red button marked with ‘25 cents’ a touchscreen with a card swipe sat there.

“Both, but what’s new?” I murmur, following her past Ring Toss, some car racing game that doesn’t give you tickets, and Space Invaders. At last, we found Air Hockey open and decided to have a go.

“So, what is it really?”

“What’s what?” I replied with an air of faux stupidity, pretending to focus hard on hitting the puck back her way.

“Why have you been acting weird lately? Just because I had some wine last night doesn’t mean I didn’t notice it.”

“Oh, that. You noticed,” I comment, avoiding her eyes even when she gets the puck past me. Bending over, I pluck it from the holder and hit it over to her, following it.

“Yeah, I noticed that. Whatever it is, which by the way, what is it again that’s bothering you?”

“You don’t sound very smart when you’re drinking. You do know that, don’t you?” a laugh is close to my lips, but it disappears almost as soon as it’s thought. As if to spite me, she picks up the glass of the pink hard cider she’d ordered. Sometimes, I missed drinking and how it made nights like these all the more fun.

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious,” she sighs, tsking when I make the puck into her goal. Groaning, she slams the rest of the cider before dropping the puck onto the glow in the dark table. “But really, what is it?”

“God, are you and Harry stubborn,” I remark with a near groan, taking her cue when she hits it hard my way, deciding to do the same. “Fine . . so I had this dream the other night, like a nightmare almost and . . . ,” I carry on, detailing the entire thing to her, almost hoping that maybe if she says it’s nothing, her inebriated mind won’t remember it.

“Good game, glad you could get some rage out on that one, seeing as how you nearly gave me a bruise that one time.”

“Sorry,” the word drops carelessly as we walk away from the table and through a loud pack of kids. She makes a comment about never wanting kids, only to turn to me regretfully with the same word on her face. “It’s okay. I’m probably worrying for nothing.”

“I know you and don’t want to say that myself, but it was just a dream, Ree. Aren’t they like, manifestations of your thoughts and all that jazz? Maybe you saw the little girl once or see yourself in her, and want to protect her. It’s the mother in you coming out, I’m sure. I wouldn’t worry too much about it and what it means, it’s just a dream.”

“Yeah, it’s just a dream,” I agree aloud, more grateful than ever for Harry and Asher stepping in our path, telling us the pizzas had arrived. Sitting down beside Harry and arguing with him about Hawaiian pizza whilst our hands sat on the other’s thigh, this had once been a dream to me too.

But the one about the empty crib and the mysterious girl, no that was almost a nightmare, and I’d had enough of those.