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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 7 months ago

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Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

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just-watch-and-calculate · 18 days ago

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a failing hard drive (and a mental health revelation)

(written by an adhder off their meds: I will go off on tangents)

(the data seems to be safe now)

(this post is about two things which feels a bit weird but the point I want to make is somewhere where both things overlap)

a lesson I learned from this:

back up your data! do it now! yes, NOW!

it started a few weeks ago when I changed linux distro from suse to arch (though it also started earlier. human starts are hard to define. me and my neurodivergence and my pc and hard drive and my mental health struggles that most if not all nd people have in some form didn't just pop into existence when I started installing arch).

I had unplugged two of my drives to protect the data on them from any mess-ups during the install process. (I should've made backups, yesterday evening would have been less scary that way).

the installation went fine, but it took a few days due to mild lack of sleep and me not using archinstall, but I succeded. (and after accidentally uninstalling the login manager on my laptop and briefly reprioritizing to fixing that because I couldn't get the gui to launch manually without the login manager)

and I was proud of my setup. one minor thing, the drive my /home folder (that's where the user accounts' data is) started its off-on spiel it sometimes did when the cable wasn't plugged in properly. (at that point it had not seemed alarming. I had unplugged it prior and was already familiar with this happening)

it had messed up something with i3, I rebooted, it was fine. I knew what drive it was because I can hear its whirr and the clacking of the head going into its off position when it turned off. I love how it sounds. that I can hear how it is 'alive'.

so I opened my pc, unplugged the drive and plugged it back in. and it was fine for a few days.

after it had happened (or maybe only after the 2nd time it happened on arch) I also looked up if there were tools to assess drive health and installed the smartmontools package. I do not know if I would have been a bit slower in noticing when my drive started to fail, maybe the sounds alone would have worried me enough. quite possibly not. ultimately the s.m.a.r.t. output got me to start a backup of the raw data though, but not by actually warning me directly of imminent failure. it estimated about 20000 more hours of use (edit: that is untrue. I just misinterpreted something).

I think it also went off-then-immediately-back-on a few more times before and after that; but that and the following were the two instances that caused my OS tho struggle before the hard drive failed.

after the second time it happened, upon rebooting, the drive would just do its off/on routine while fstab was trying to mount it on 2 consecutive reboot attempts but failed. mildly panicked I booted the live arch usb I had previously installed from and tried to figure out what to do. I didn't back up my data then. I should have. I had planned to set up backup automation then but not yet got around to doing so. I should have done so.

it was unlikely to be the cables' fault, but yet again I unplugged the drive and plugged it back in. yesterday I found out why that was futile. it did its off/on routine after I'd tried getting a more taxing game to run, but i3 was fine, and so I continued, mildly worried. the second time it happened, not long after, I checked the s.m.a.r.t. data. Because I'd sent all the interesting bits of the data to someone the day prior, I was able to look up how it had been before. still, it estimated about 20000 more hours of drive use (edit: that is untrue. I just misinterpreted something). but the count of PhyRdy->PyNRdy was off the charts. from about 300 in a prior power cycle it rose to above 18000. then, eventually it even reached 19000. online advice on this was: back up your data. now.

and so I did, finally, back up my data. the easiest option with now ramping up andrenaline (and a cold I was still recovering from) was using dd. I made sure the infile and outfile were the right way around and off I went, copying all the disk contents to another disk. (or rather, the contents of the partition I was mainly using)

it went ok at first. then the occasional off/on, going by how the drive sounded. ok, I hope you make it, buddy. please, at least long enough to save my data.

then it wasn't just clack-spin-down-fully-then-spin-up-again. it was stumbles, the clack sounded different, had different timing, it didnt spin down fully before spinning up again. (for clarity: by spin down I refer to the motor inside reducing in speed until it is off, like when shutting down my pc.)

the copying stumbled. a bit past halfway it stopped. i/o error. disk dump (dd) had exited. smartctl just told me "inqury failed". my os seemed to think the disk was still there. it just wasn't responding. not presumably unmounted this time, just not responding. the last temperature readout had been a bit above 40°C. high, but it should be fine, right? the PhyRdy -> PhyNRdy statistic was 19806 at last readout. my hard drive was definetely failing now. dying.

I called someone with more IT experience than me; adrenaline was definitely kicking in now. we opted to shut down my pc and try getting the rest of the data after waiting 20 minutes. giving my hard drive a break. it did not make its usual sound when shutting down. it must've spun down at some point before and not spun up again. I braced for the worst, for the first half of the dd to only contain the data I've had older backups of and for the rest to be lost.

my hard drive had just needed some rest. ddrescure came to the rescue, I copied the remainder of the data with not many auditory "complaints" by the hard drive. then turned off my pc to unplug that drive. it could rest now. it had done its part. I no longer needed to fear that my data would be lost. as of writing this I'm combining both halves of the backup on it into one file to mount it and see if my data is intact. odds are looking good but I should make sure. (as of my 2nd draft I'm mounting the file. fingers crossed.) (as of finishing the 2nd draft of this fsck reports the backup's filesystem as having a bunch of errors. I hope my data is salvageable. mounting the file worked but that is a lot of errors from fsck. gonna do a full ddrescue now.) (the ddrescue is nearly finished; the two halves should be recombinable now, ddrescue just has important syntax differences compared to dd. my data is most likely safe.) (the data backup seems to be fine now!)

I miss the way that hard drive sounds. I miss hearing it start. I miss its hum. I miss the hard drive that, quite literally, made my pc home. I only was at home on arch once I had moved my user data to the new home directory. (finally it wasn't my deadname anymore. being trans was now, accidentally, a way to keep my suse and arch user accounts nice and separate)

/home was home, and now it was failing. dying.

how odd, to be feeling (slight) grief for a hard drive.

and now for the mental health realization:

I've anthropomorphized that hard drive in some places in this post. while it was actually failing I was somewhat doing that most of the time (you can make it, buddy! please, please just try to keep going a bit longer. once my data is safe you can get a break.)

and I realized why that is.

one part of it is just that I have the tendency to anthropomorphize things, like the chocolate snowman who I found out had a name only after I had already eaten it. I felt sad, and a bit silly. I'm never buying chocolate with a name like sammy again.

but there's more to it; and it isn't coincidence that I am putting this in a post about a failing hard drive, rather than that chocolate snowman. not only did I humanize that hard drive when it was "struggling" - I also do it the other way around: taking "schedule maintenance or the equipment will schedule it for you" also as a reminder to take the breaks I need because when I need them they will happen eventually. so I better listen to my body and take breaks when it isn't already a bit too late.

I'm treating myself like the machines I humanize because when treating myself as human what sneaks in is treating myself as someone who should be this good little neurotypical girl. treating myself as who I learned I should be instead of treating myself as me.

treating myself as human has failed somewhat. between being trans and being ace and being neurodivergent, I'm not human in the way I was taught I should be. and with this baggage, I need a better angle at this to be able to take care of myself in a way that will allow me to heal.

I stopped trying to view self-care through my neurodivergent mask. it's not this vague lifestyle thing. it is the basis of my well-being.

I started viewing it as 'self-maintenance'. maintenance is important. it is basis for continued operability. that much is simple. it is specific to what is being maintained. I couldn't exactly have treated my hard drive as a dripping faucet. it would have been nonsense for me to try and save my data from my windows installation which I'm much less experienced with. (and besides, it's windows. I actually use OS as an analogy for my neurodivergence sometimes, I do think it works in many aspects. there are many different linux distros. mine takes a bunch of extra work but works better for me.)

it would be nonsense to try treating myself like a neurotypical person. because I'm not. and it would be nonsense to view this "self-maintenance" as something to do only whenever I've got time between my failing hard drive and uni and having gotten sick. it is important.

short bonus bit - the magnus archives has helped me cope with the fear I felt for my data a bit. and since it continues being an intense interest of mine I'd like to discuss that. just beware of spoilers, I'm not sure off the top of my head when the concepts I'm talking about below stop being spoilers

it is interesting that one of the hypotheses of what is going on with the failing hard drive is that the temperature is somehow why that drive is failing - considering the lightless flame is all about things like this data loss. so hi desolation, I hope to never meet you again. please do not cause the digital equvialent of a housefire (overheating(?) /home) ever again.

running the full ddrescue now, it seems putting a cold pack next to it calmed it down. poor thing really was suffering from heatstroke at normal operating temperatures it seems

#also thanks to supereyepatchwolf for making good videos - I proofread this with my inner speech sounding like him #so if you liked this post you may like his video about trying to buy a dell pc #funnily enough this is post written from a dell laptop #I'm having fun with the color formatting. this is art now :)#neurodivergence #linux #backup #make backups!#seriously! back up your data!#long post #tma coded #<- this feels like patting myself on the back? huh?#the following tag is a tma spoiler #tma the desolation

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