#I'm overdue my bi-annual mental breakdown

[jeanbo-kirschtein-blog]

Just venting so you may as well keep scrolling

Things are kinda weird for me rn. My little brother is off to uni on Monday so things are gonna be strange already. I don’t even like him much but it’s still gonna be odd with him gone.

Admittedly I’m not even remotely sober tonight but with everything in a state of flux here I’m getting really nostalgic for a period of my life that wasn’t even good. Like I was a total fuck up, I was depressed as hell, I was mangled on such a cocktail of bullshit I barely even remember anything, and I’m so much happier now than I was back then. But I just. I miss the chaos you know? There was a pretty long period in my life where I wouldn’t spare a second thought for the future and just lived in the chaotic, miserable and beautiful present. I miss getting monumentally fucked up, I miss the soul crushing lows and I miss the moments of unbearable beauty. 99% of the time I hated life didn’t want to keep going, but there are nights that have such a special place in my heart. Like, nights with people I don’t speak to, in places I haven’t been for years, that made me feel ways I never want to let go of. There’s a genuine fear I hold deep down that I will never have another moment in my life that captures the impossible, gut wrenching love for this world I felt back then.

There’s one night that always sticks out to me, and a moment in that night that I hope continues to live in my mind rent-free for the rest of my life. I was on two tabs of acid and a fat dose of 2-ce, I was completely fucked up, complete ego-death, breathing in time with the universe. And Me and a few of the peeps I was with that night sat on top of a hill in a town of no-consequence- just the most inconsequential, nowhere town you can imagine- and watched the sunrise through the clouds, over the woods and hills. For me, the sky and clouds stretched out like an endless expanse of snow and ice while the sun emerged through the frozen wasteland of time. Without exaggeration I think it was the most beautiful and moving thing I’ve ever seen. That image is burned into my soul.

That’s the image that I think of when I think of that period in my life. And sweet fucking christ do I miss the way I felt in that moment. I hadn’t felt it before, and I haven’t felt it since. And I miss it. I hate so many things about how my life has turned out because of the way I was back then. But, if given the chance to go back and live my life all over again, I don’t think I could bring myself to change any of it. I just couldn’t. I would probably fuck up the trajectory of my life, lose all the friends I ever had, and wallow in the deeply burning indignity of the worst moments of my life all over again. All to experience those fleeting and disparate moments of overwhelming beauty and reverance.

I don’t want to be the person I was back then again. I’ve cut out all the parts of me that made all of those moments happen. The self loathing, the self centred arrogance, the substance abuse. It’s been over a year since I even smoked weed. But with me brother going off to to be better than I ever was, I do genuinely miss it. There’s comfort in the sadness. Beauty in the chaos. Love in the heart break. I’m not sad that I am the person I’ve become, I’m not sad I’’m not the person I was anymore. But I still miss it. With all my heart I miss it.