#I'm okay. I'm safe. I just...well for one I've been sleeping HORRIBLY but mostly I'm just emotionally turbulent which all kind of. came to

[musical-chick-13]

GOD this appointment was brutal.

[minty-fanfic-corner]

Not Enough (Tighnari)

..... I wrote something??? I WROTE SOMETHING?? It's a bit different from my other Not Enough fics, but I thought it'd fit too!

Anyway.

I've never talked about it here. I've been living with chronic pain for nine years now, mostly in my knees, but it affect a lot of my joints. I can't get a diagnosis, doctors don't know what is wrong with me and I am tired of being in pain. So what do you do in these cases? You write something to vent (yes, it is kind of a little vent)! Anyway, I might make one with Kaeya later just because .3.

I'm off to take painkillers and try to sleep now!

The Sun was already high in the sky, entering your bedroom through the window’s opened curtains.  Yet, there you were, still lying in bed. You were in bed, but you were far from asleep. In fact. you had woken up during the middle of the night, because of the pain, and you couldn’t fall back asleep. But you couldn’t bring yourself to get out of bed, or even sit up on the soft mattress; everything hurt so much. So there you were, eyes closed, trying to focus on something else.   Soon enough, you heard a knock at the door of your room. Tighnari’s voice was heard, calling out for you: 

“Y/N, we’re leaving soon for today’s patrol! Don’t be late!”

“I’m almost ready Tighnari, don’t worry!” you answered, finally opening your eyes. 

 You slowly sat up, every single muscle and joint in your body protesting. By this point, you were almost late, there was no time for you to eat. It wasn’t as if you were hungry anyway, the pain made it so your appetite was greatly reduced. You threw on your uniform and went outside. Tighnari had already started giving out the instructions for the day, so you joined the group, who was listening to him. By now, he was almost done assigning the route and partners. Hopefully, you didn’t miss your name… 

“And Y/N, you’ll be with me today. We’ll simply check the emergency food supplies around the trails.” 

 Working with Tighnari gave you mixed feelings. On one hand, you knew him well and knew how to act around him so he wouldn’t suspect a thing. On the other hand… He is extremely observant. If you did so much as moving your pinkie finger the wrong way, he’d notice immediately. Thus, hiding your pain from him would require you to play your role perfectly. Well, you weren’t too stressed about it. After all, this is what you had been doing for quite a while now, and no one noticed. You weren’t about to let others know today. And so, the other rangers left to their tasks, and you started following Tighnari to the first emergency food hideout. 

“Are you feeling okay? I didn’t see you come out for breakfast today.” Tighnari asked. 

 You were looking at your feet, but quickly looked up to look at him in the eyes, forcing a small smile on your face. 

“Yes, I’m fine! There’s no need to worry about me, master Tighnari. I just went to bed rather late last night, I slept in.” 

 Tighnari simply nodded at your words. He focused his attention on the trail, careful to avoid roots coming out of the ground. You followed his steps. 

“You know you can always come to me if you’re feeling unwell, right? After all, it is my duty to make sure you are safe.” 

“I know…” 

 You had overestimated your energy, and used it really quickly. Usually, you could go through your tasks without any problems. But today was different. The pain was too much, you had no energy and you felt horribly sick. The world was spinning and you felt lightheaded. As Tighnari was adding food in the hideout, you focused your attention on a bright, blue flower. Breathing in, breathing out. In, out. In, out. In, out… 

“Y/N!” 

 You jumped back as you felt a hand squeezing your shoulder lightly. You turned around quickly. Your eyes met Tighnari’s, he seemed to look at you with a worried expression. 

“Are you okay? I’ve called your name a few times, but you didn’t answer.”

“O-Oh yeah, I’m fine! Don’t worry about me!” you answered with a forced smile.

 You always forced smiles, but this one was painful. The world was spinning faster and faster around you, making you feel sick. The pain was becoming unbearable, you swallowed back tears. Tighnari’s lips moved to say something, yet you heard nothing. None of the words reached your ears, as the ringing became too much. You tried to tell him, once again, that you were fine. But before you could say anything, you felt your legs giving up and everything became black.

You didn’t dream about anything. You were just there floating in a dark sea. But even unconscious, you could feel the pain radiating in your entire body. You wished passing out would have at least stopped the pain for a while… Soon enough, you started to hear faint voices. Someone asking someone else to get them as soon as you’d wake up. The door closing softly as someone left. And a cold cloth being put down gently on your forehead. You didn’t even notice you had a fever. A few more minutes passed, and you were finally able to open your eyes. 

“Collei…?” 

“Ah, Y/N! You’re awake! I’ll go get master Tighnari, he’s super worried about you…!” 

 Before you could protest or anything, the young girl got up and left quickly. A few minutes later, the door opened again, but only Tighnari entered the room. You tried to sit up in bed, but he stopped you quickly, with a hand on your shoulder. 

 “It’d be better if you stayed laying down. You hit your head pretty hard when you went down.” 

“Ah… I’m sorry about that, it won’t happen again…” 

You didn’t dare to look at him. 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Y/N?”

 But his question surprised you. So much so, you snapped your head up to look at him. 

“Tell you what?” you denied. 

“About your pain.” 

“Pain? What pain?” 

“Y/N.” his tone was serious. “You’ve been acting weird for a few weeks now. You don’t have to deny it” 

Some tears started to fall from your eyes as you managed to answer something. 

“Because I’m not weak…” 

Tighnari took a few seconds, simply looking at you. Finally, he sighed and sat down, on the chair next to your bed. 

 “I know you’re not weak Y/N. But you can’t possibly win this battle alone. You know I care about you, right? And I want you to be okay. You can’t keep on going on like that. You’ll only hurt yourself more. Now, let me help you.”

[bi-bats]

timkon exes to lovers? 👀👀

(also, hi!!! how’s it going?)

Hello!!!!! Yes I am SO stoked about that one honestly because I have literally like. 17k words of it or something cause it's one of my older fics! Here's a snippet:

“Hey,” Kon said, and the room was too heavy, too thick for him to be sarcastic the way Tim knew he wanted to be.  “Hey.” It was barely a whisper out of Tim’s throat, and for a moment he wanted to lean forward and wrap his arms around Kon.  Then he remembered to be angry. It had been so long since he’d been in his room that he barely remembered how he’d left it, but he knew somewhere in his head that it shouldn’t have been so clean. Everything was tidy except for his bed, which wasn’t made, and that wasn’t quite right. He knew he’d made it before leaving, the last time. He wanted to smell his sheets to be certain, but he was pretty sure Kon had slept in his bed.  No, Tim. Bad Tim. Creepy Tim.  There was an easier way to find out, anyways.  “Did you sleep in my bed?” he asked, and he hadn’t quite remembered to leak the anger into his voice. It came out soft, too soft, the way being around Kon always made him.  Kon’s face flushed, but he didn’t drop his gaze. “Didn’t seem like you were going to be using it,” he mumbled, shrugging, and that was the spark Tim needed to remember he was mad.  “Well, I wasn’t, to be honest.” His voice finally found that icy tone he knew Kon would recognize, saw the moment his posture stiffened as he recognized exactly which Tim he was talking to.  “I was just planning on stopping in here to breathe for a moment, because that party is starting to get a little too drunk for my liking, so imagine my surprise when-” “Why didn’t you leave?” Kon interrupted him, his gaze burning into him.

jadkjfak I LOVE that fic so much 💚 would love to finish it one day lmaooo

send me an ask about one of my WIPs!

I'm going to answer how I am under a read more because that is sort of a complicated answer, and I'll be talking about health stuff so consider that my health CW/TW for it

Hi!!! Thanks for asking!! I have been wanting to give a little update on how I'm doing because the answer is... not great, honestly.

I got put on medical leave for two months and got diagnosed with degenerative disc disease in my spine (which is something that doctors keep telling me I'm very young to have), and I'm doing 6 weeks of physical therapy for that. Honestly, I've had chronic back pain for 8 years, and I really haven't had time to process that information with all the rest of the stuff I have going on. I'm waiting for an MRI to see what's causing the degeneration.

I've also been having heart palpitations and lightheadedness and chest pain that were mostly addressed when we figured out that I have anemia (not the traditional kind, though, and it seems to be being caused by something else). That said, I wore a heart monitor for a week before addressing the anemia, and the results on that were very reassuring, so my heart looks okay. I've still been having some symptoms, but much less.

However, I've also been having really horrible GI issues that I'm waiting for a bunch of tests to see if I need any procedures or surgeries done to fix, or if it's a problem that can be solved more easily. I have severe nausea, acid reflux, problems actually digesting food, and I've lost like... 12-13 pounds in the last month I think? I get hungry and then I eat and then food makes me feel awful, but if I don't eat, I also feel awful. My body is flat out refusing to digest certain foods and I do not know why. There are other symptoms that I just don't want to share. It's been really frustrating. I feel horrible all the time. I wasn't staying at home for almost a month because I just didn't feel safe staying by myself. I actually answered some of these asks tonight while sitting on the bathroom floor because I wasn't sure that I wasn't going to throw up (I didn't though! yay!).

But basically, just about all of my energy is going into figuring out what's wrong with me right now. And when it isn't going into that, it's going into spending time with my friends and loved ones in an attempt to get through some of the pain/stress.

So yeah, things are rough. It's why I haven't been super active on here or ao3 this year. I am having a really difficult time focusing on writing, and that sucks, because I love writing. It's my #1 outlet and like. I fully can't focus on it.

Anyways. I don't really know where to end this, but that's what's going on with me. I might post a little update later on next week if I get any answers. I have a CT scan and an upper gi scan next week to see if they can see anything wrong just from that, and then more tests after that too.

Thanks for asking, though! I appreciate everyone's asks, this was a fun little distraction from all the stuff I just talked about💖

Also want to add for anyone reading this: I have many doctors trying to figure this out right now and they are running every test we can all think of. Please, please do not tell me what thing you think may be causing this in a reply or a tag, because it'll send me down a medical anxiety rabbit hole and then all I'll be doing for the rest of the night is panicking. I know the goal of any kind of comment like that would not be to make me panic, but that is what it would result in. So please, anyone can feel free to reply, but please don't reply with any sort of diagnosis or suggestion of what you think the problem might be. Thank you for understanding 💚

[faulty-writes]

Alright so. For the past few days, I have just wanted to scream. Mostly because writing is a passion of mine and I'm tired of all the excuses and boundaries I've experienced with it lately. So I figured, I'd make some comfort pieces. Not sure if these are headcanons or drabbles. But all credit for this prompt goes to this lovely individual. Please excuse my icons appearances below, I made them in a rush. I'll redesign them later. Until then I hope you enjoy, at least you know faulty-writes cares.

PROMPT: You’re just lying on the floor of your bedroom, maybe listening to music, reading, or just staring up at the ceiling. Your comfort character walks in, not saying a word (or they do whatever) and just lays down next to you, maybe they join in on whatever task you’re doing if you’re doing one. Now you’re just vibing.

Nothing had been going right lately, the more you tried the worse it got. Like some invisible entity was hand-delivering you a continuous dose of karma for little to no reason. Despite being a third-year student and someone who faced down countless villains. You, for once, felt utterly defeated as you laid on your bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling.

You didn't expect anyone to knock on your door, "Pardon! Y/n, but may I have permission to enter your bedroom?" you should have known Tenya would take it upon himself to check on your well-being and show concern when he saw you laying on the floor with your arms and legs spread in such a way that it appeared you truly had just plopped yourself down and refused to move.

He was immediately by your side, lowering himself to his knees before leaning over you. Taking you in from head to toe to make sure you were physically okay. "Are you injured? Did someone grow violent and push or harm you in any way?!" his hand as usual chopped through the air as he rambled off his questions but you simply shook your head refusing to speak.

He seemed to take the hint that something was wrong, but also seemed to understand that his questions wouldn't get him anywhere. "I hope you have properly cleaned this floor prior to laying on it," you knew Tenya was a clean and tidy person, the thought of laying on a dirty floor must have disgusted him. But you hadn't fully expected him to do it, that is lay next to you. Staring at the ceiling just like you and you tried to ignore the tingles that coursed through your skin when your hands brushed against one another.

The silence was almost welcomed, and Tenya seemed to understand that perhaps all you needed was someone to sit with you through the silence and be there for the possible storm that could follow. Slowly he enclosed his hand around yours and gave it a reassuring squeeze which caused you to turn your head. You were surprised to see such a kind smile on his face but somehow you knew it meant that everything would be okay.

The television was the only thing that illuminated the room as you laid on the floor, listening to the voices echo and drone on about something you didn't know or care about. Maybe you had put the television on so you wouldn't feel alone. It had been a rotten day and though you could have easily climbed into bed, slept the rest of the night away. You found yourself not wanting to move an inch.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't notice your closest friend, Taishiro walk into the room. His round curvy figure maneuvering past the doorframe and a bright smile was on his face before he took notice of how dark the room was. "Enjoying yourself a little shade are ya?" he teased in his normal happy tone before he went to flick the lights back on, "I think a little sunshine looks better on ya," he joked, but his smile faded when he noticed you laying on the floor.

Taishiro normally wasn't one to pry, unless you happened to be a villain. But you should have expected him to ask you again and again what was wrong. The way his gentle hand grasped and tugged your arm, "Come on now, let's see that bright smile! It does wonders for me ya know, whenever I see ya wearing it. Well I couldn't be more blessed knowing I got to see ya so happy," you knew he meant his words, but you still didn't move nor speak and Taishiro seemed to know when he was bested. But even so, you knew that wouldn't stop him from doing what he did next.

He had insisted you would be more comfortable laying on top of him as opposed to the floor. But you remained silent all the same, even as he laid his arms over you. Gently stroking your hair and massaging the small of your back. "Ya know, ya can always tell me anything. I ain't about judging ya for what ya been through, but I also don't mind if ya wanna stay silent. Just as long as I can continue to hold ya nice and close," he said and you could feel his arms tighten around you.

You didn't recall anything after those sweet words, only the continued silence between you and Taishiro and the way your body slowly sank into his. His comforting embrace welcomed after such a rotten day. His breathing seemed to drown out the television as you closed your eyes and allowed that very sound to lull you to sleep. It was more comforting than you'd admit, feeling so safe and sound in someone's arms. Knowing you'd be protected until the morning.

Music was the one thing that seemed to comfort you after a bad day, the lyrics depicting your emotions perfectly as they echoed in your ears and allowed you to drown out the world around you. The sounds outside your door blocked out, and for good reason. You didn't want to face anyone today. In fact, you were pretty certain that you didn't want to see anyone for the rest of your life.

But your classmates seemed to notice the fact that you had locked yourself away and it seemed they had voted that Shouto Todoroki would be the one to check up on you. However, the knocks went unnoticed by you as did the fact that Shouto let himself in after he heard no response. It was almost scary to open your eyes only to see two different colored ones staring back at you, but Shouto seemed indifferent to your reaction. "Are you alright...why are you on the floor?" he questioned in his usual monotone way.

It was almost amusing when Shouto took notice of the music you were listening to, the sound faintly blasting from your earbuds. "You can't hear what I'm saying with those," he stated, but all you saw were his lips moving. He blinked and reached down, attempting to take one earbud out but you grasped his hand and simply shook your head. "Oh...I see," his posture relaxed some as he got the message and proceeded to sit next to you, crossing his legs to allow his arms to rest on his ankles.

He didn't entirely seem to understand why you were doing what you were doing. But in a way, it was nice to have his company. After a long moment, you noticed Shouto was staring at you like he was waiting for you to say or do something. You reached up, taking out one earbud to hold out to him. He seemed confused by the gesture but took it anyway, "Would...you like me to listen with you?" he questioned, though it took him a few seconds to place the earbud into his ear. Eyebrows furrowing together as the new sound echoed through his ear.

You wouldn't have thought that Shouto of all people could provide you with silent comfort. But it was nice that he was there and taking part in something you loved to do. Eventually, you convinced him to lay on the floor with you and found yourself smiling as you played song after song for him. The curious expressions that played across his face almost made your horrible day worth it. You only paused the music for a short moment to thank him, but he seemed oblivious to the reason behind your thank you. Maybe one day he'd learn just how much his presence comforted you.

[capri-ramblings]

Okay so, I'm sure it's been kinda obvious I've been down with writer's block due to the lack of actual content on my blog recently, but somehow while scrolling through Tumblr I came upon @tsuisute 's art of Lilia wearing a rather risque bat lingerie and somehow something in my self-doubting brain clicked and I came up with this short fic. It starts off pretty angsty and I'm not sure when part two is going to come out but basically it's Lilia coping with his young s/o going through a really low point in their lives but yeah, I'm sorry if this turned out kinda flat cause my writing gears are still pretty rustic but I couldn't get it out of my head until I started writing it down. So, hopefully it's good enough! 💖💖

Safe and Sound

Summary: A slight rise in detachment and tension has been visible in you lately and being the ever observant Fae he is,Lilia has a hunch it has to do with your work as a medical mage working in devastating war fractions. He tries to reach out to you, but you keep your distance. At the end of it all, will this cause a bigger gap in your relationship or will it bring the two of you closer?

Part One: To push away one's heart.

The door to the age old manor, closed heavily behind you. The after echo of your footsteps shuffling inside softly whispering into the ancestral walls.

It was odd to have come home to such a quiet place after staying a whole day at a warring border. You felt out of place,detached even. As if this house you grew up in felt horribly unfamiliar. Sometimes it scared you, and sometimes it made you sad. Either way, you tended to avoid anyone in the household from interacting with you after your working hours.

Well,you tried your best to avoid everyone at least. Lilia would always be an exception, and not because you didn't have the heart to ignore him but instead you couldn't ignore him. He'd flock right over to you the moment he'd know you were home and then anything you said to make him leave failed.

He'd always had a mind of his own after all. Things people said went through his head but it didn't necessarily mean he'd take them into consideration. It all came down to the fact that Lilia was always the one with wisdom and truth, he's lived long enough to write books on it, so maybe in a way him interrupting your Isolation was a good omen in disguise, but still, it had you gritting your teeth each time he came up to pull you in an embrace or pat your head.

Today seemed to be no different, as you made your way to the staircase and saw Lilia waiting at the top of it with his usual beaming grin.

You didn't want to meet his gaze then. Something inside of you churned and boiled at seeing someone be so comfortable and gleeful.

"Welcome back,little lantern!" Lilia greeted,his deep red eyes sharing the smile he wore on his lips.

You felt your brows furrowed, but answered him with a slight nod. "Where's Silver and Malleus?", you asked as your bristled pass him at the top stairs and headed for the hallways that lead to the rows of bedrooms. Lilia followed behind you.

"They've gone off, somewhere,well, Malleus went off somewhere then Silver went to go look for him"

"Sebek?", You glanced over your shoulder. Lilia lent a smile your way.

"Training, as always. He wanted to tag along with Silver, but he has a competition later this month, Silver told him to stay and practice"

You let out a small hum, your pace absent as you walked right pass your bedroom door and Lilia had to tell you you had missed it. And as he went to push open your door, your limbs felt forlorn and worn out. There was such a strong urge to simply just fall flat onto your bedroom floor and pass out, but Lilia kept his careful gaze on you and ushered you inside the room, with your bag already in his grip.

Years living with him, and you still couldn't fathom how he did certain things without being noticed.

"A whole day and you've already forgotten where you sleep. Tsk,tsk,tsk...my little lantern has lost their touch of home"

With your back to him as you took off your jacket, Lilia came and wrapped his arms around your waist,the sudden warmth of his body pressing up against you causing you to go stiff.

"Lilia–"

"You should stay home for the week". He murmured,soft and low it sounded almost as if he was pleading.

You placed your hands over his on your waist.

"I can't. They're already short handed over at the border, and even if I am just a medic, it'd be too chaotic to just leave them like that"

"You need your rest, lantern"

"Then leave me alone."

The words left you bitter and taut. A string of unsaid wounds lingering at the back of each enunciation you gritted your teeth on. Your hands clenched over his and the way your chest heaved gave the impression that you could hardly take in another breath.

Lilia released you, and you walked over to your desk and sat down. Your head hurt, and your heart didn't seem to know why it was aching.

"I just need to be alone is all. I don't need you to dote over me,Lilia,I just..."

What did you want? Peace maybe. After seeing all that bloodshed in a single land while its people dropped dead like flies, two years working as a medical mage felt like an eternity of attempting to save people who had half of their bodies blown off as they cried and begged and sputtered out blood.

You wished you'd gone blind, but then again the screaming would have haunted you all the same.

Warring fractions were just a few in the Fae Kingdom, mostly because the lands and people involved in it would've died out before help could even reach them, but still, those that remained became cursed and bloody. A sight you wished you could burn out from your very thoughts.

You never had talent like Silver or Sebek, let alone Malleus himself, but Lilia said you always had a knack for healing, always being the caretaker even amongst your peers. Thus, you dedicated yourself to the one thing you were good at and became an active medical mage. From in-house check ups to risking your neck at war borders, you did what you could and suffered from what you couldn't.

You wanted to save everyone on the field, dying or not,but too many times you saw that hope of yours crushed right before your eyes, and it took its toll on you. At night, you hear the warning sirens and in the morning when you wake up, you dreaded to see the smiling faces of your companions, because you've started to wonder if by horrible fate itself, they laid dying in front of you, could you actually help them?

Vehemently, you pushed back the cry burning in your throat and shut your eyes tight.

'Forget it' . You told yourself. 'You don't have to remember. Just forget.'

It hurt for Lilia to watch you then. Something other than paternal grief overwhelming him. He'd known you've been dragging your own spirit down for a while now, but you were so adamant on avoiding the topic, he hesitated on confronting you about it. After all, it was your pain, your own sorrows, who was he to demand you to show him the scars and wounds you hid away?

He wanted to help you, to do anything he could to soothe your ache. But he couldn't do a single thing if you wouldn't let him.

"I'll leave you be then" Lilia said,soft and endearing, almost as if he was cooing to a child. "Rest well,my little lantern"

[weabooweedwitch]

I really hope your pain lessens soon. What you’re going through is very difficult and you have every right to cry, feel angry, and resent the world. Soon this period of feelings will simmer away like a dying flame. It’ll take strength to embrace the world and all of its dark sides, but from what I can tell you’re a very strong person who’s more than capable of it. You are a person with many faucets and great creative energy. I truly appreciate everything you bring to this world, your dedication to art inspires me. Please stay safe<3

Oh gosh and here i thought I was done crying for the night ;u; I feel really shitty for uh well Having A Public Episode, kinda thought i was over having public mental crises on tumblr but, I guess, I dunno how to phrase this without sounding conceited, 'I guess most of you can tell I'm going through a lot of shit right now and hopefully will be mostly okay with the fact I brought up an extremely upsetting subject' but also I just. Feel really bad for making anyone really worried. I wonder if I should delete the posts and asks but also I feel like the conversation around it is important? Does thst make sense. I'm way too obsessed with how you guys probably see me after this, honestly, becuase it isn't like this is the first time I've needed some sort of help. I still feel bad for needing money when I was homeless. People gave money for Allister to get his surgery. And I internalize a lot of guilt whenever I need help and I guess that's part of the trauma i need to work through, somehow.

Anyways it also makes me really happy for you to bring to bring up like my creative hobbies and stuff too. I've been meaning to get back into my writing but I've also been wanting to pick up like, craft skills? Like my work was selling this little activity kits and I bought one for soap making and one for embroidering because I thought they would be fun to learn. And that's kind of something I feel like I should be trying to be pursuing more in my free time is how much I like to make art and create thing and I've kind of. Fallen into a hole a little bit. And I'm honestly starting to wonder if its because I'm forming a really horrible relationship with weed. I basically smoke before any pleasurable activity so I enjoy it more and sometimes I just sit and get so fucked up I wind up getting distracted and doing something else or I like, have to sleep, or, I spend too much time and have to go to work the next day or bed or whatever. And sometimes I say "oh ill smoke or drink before I write so im more inspired and like, yeah, it can help, but its gotten to the point where I refuse to try without and that's obviously. Not normal. I obviously inherited my father's addiction genes 💀💀💀

Wait i somehow circled back to being negative! Key points are im trying to do more things i enjoy even though I've been doing not so great mentally and I do enjoy creating things and sharing things and I hope to do some of that more in the future. Maybe I'll buy some paints and some small canvasses. I liked to paint when I was in the hospital because I didn't own any paints or materials to do so at home so it was fun to experiment and for some reason its like, a fond experience for me despite rhe fact I was in the big house

Oh god did I ever show you the time I like. Deadass painted Prospit and. What was rhe blue place. Either way that fucking dates me so hard. My cringe paintings from my fail childhood 🤣

[managedmischiefs]

north//chapter twelve

genre: angst, tiny bit of fluff

pairing: season 11 and 12 spencer reid x oc

warnings: panic attack

word count: 12.4k

summary: change is wonderful. but there’s some changes that are far too drastic for spencer and amelia to handle.

pay attention to the pov changes and the time jump or else you’ll be confused!!!!!! it’s about to get good.

AMELIA

Months go by, and life goes on, and that's about all I have to say about the last few months. Spencer works and I bask in the successful, metaphorical glow of my last exhibit. I do some light work here and there but mostly, I take some time off and resort to lounging around and drawing in my sketchbook. Spencer complains though because he claims that if I have all this free time then he should too. But regardless, he leaves bed every day to go to work and fight the monsters of the world.

But nobody more than me knows that things change quickly. I accepted that a long time ago and the nature of Spencer's job just reiterated that sentiment, especially after he got shot. So even though it’s a bit too overwhelming when he comes home with cuts and bruises on his face, or get upset when he misses loosely planned dates because of cases, or we disagree on where to order dinner from or if we should even order at all instead of just cooking, nothing surprises me anymore.

It doesn't surprise me when Spencer calls me from work and tells me he needs to go to Houston for a case, and that he might be gone for a while. He tells me he loves me and that he'll be home as soon as possible, to be safe, and to drink a glass of wine for him. So I tell him that he's the one who needs to be careful and remind him many times of my love, then I force him to promise that he'll be careful. He does, and I send him in his way with one more proclamation of love.

Spencer has been through a lot. He's a very strong person, and he tells me a lot, but I know he doesn't tell me everything. He only wears his heart on his sleeve when it comes to his feelings for me, but not with anything else. He's not an open book when it comes to work and the horrors he sees on a daily basis and relives in his dreams. I wish he was, but I know that part of the reason he doesn't is so he doesn't affect me. I wish he didn't think that way. I wish he could just confide in me without worrying about upsetting me. 

That being said, he doesn't cry. As I lay on my couch and listen to one of the records Spencer bought me for Christmas, a glass of wine about to fall out of my hand, my eyes closed, I try to remember a time Spencer cried in front of me. I scrunch up my nose when I realize I can't think of a specific time. Well, maybe he has cried. Maybe he did in the hospital. Maybe he did when he revealed what happened with Maeve, or his drug addiction. I don't have his memory. Maybe my worries are for nothing and I don't need to waste my time worrying over him so much.

But the days pass and I hear very little from Spencer, so I distract myself with my friends. We go out and we spend nights at clubs and we congregate at someone's apartment to watch movies and it's a wonderful distraction, but it doesn't fill the void that Spencer leaves. So I often find myself leaving him quick voicemails in bathrooms and balconies and bedrooms, telling him that I hope he's safe and that I love him and to let me know when he's coming home so I can see him. I don’t ever hear back.

Friday's are normally easy and Friday's are brunch days with my friends. So I wake up and shower and dress for my day, pulling on my skirt and blouse, singing along to the records playing downstairs. I finish getting dressed and fall back into bed, reaching for my sketchbook to occupy me for another half hour until I need to leave.

"Amelia?" Spencer's voice comes through my apartment, frantic and panicked, as the door hits the brick wall and rattles the picture frames. "Baby, are you home?"

"Spencer?" I respond, and his head whips up, landing on me. He looks like an utter mess in a loose tie and disheveled suit, messenger and go-bag having already clattered to the floor. His hair can be likened to bed head and I can see from here that his eyes are red. I immediately rush down the stairs and forget everything I was just about to do. "Sweetheart, what happened?" I grab his cheeks, performing my normal routine of checking for injuries, and when I find none, I become utterly confused and even more concerned.

Spencer's lips quiver as he sniffles, but he can't hold anything back when tears start to pour down his cheeks. "I-" his hands reach for my waistline, grasping my skin and drawing me closer, "I missed you so damn much, Lia, god."

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" I ask when he pulls me even closer, our bodies pressing together and I can feel his rapid heartbeat against my chest. He tucks his head into my neck as he shakes his head no, arms finally circling my waist. "Okay," I whisper, coursing my fingers through his hair, closing my eyes as I breathe in the faint scent of his cologne. "I've got you, dove. I'm right here."

It only takes a second for Spencer to break down in tears, clutching my body like his life depends on it. Hearing his whimpers and feeling his shaking form breaks my heart, but I hold it together, rubbing him back, petting his hair, cooing in his ear, and telling him everything will be okay. His knees eventually give out so I lower us to the floor, landing in a weird position where I'm half in Spencer's lap while he cries in my neck. But neither of us seem to pay any mind to the fact that we're on the floor in the middle of my apartment. I just hold him and mutter sweet nothings and cheesy nicknames and pray to myself that he's okay.

"Spence, my love, can you talk to me? Can you tell me what's going on?" I whisper, trying to keep my voice low. I know that whenever I'm needing his comfort, his calm and low voice always helps me, so I try to provide the same for him. "I'm right here, sweetheart, talk to me," Spencer hiccups a few times as he lifts his head, and I reach forward to wipe his tears. "Take a breath, love. Just breathe, you're okay, I'm right here.”

Spencer squeezes his eyes shut and grasps at my thighs, and his head hanging forward. "I-" he takes a long, shallow breath, "you were clearly about to go out. Don't let me interrupt you."

I scoff out a laugh, shaking my head and pressing a kiss to his. He leans into my touch in a way that nearly makes me swoon. "Absolutely not, I'm not leaving you like this. You were on a case, is this about the case?"

Spencer nods slowly, keeping his head down. "You know about the whole thing with the group of assassins we've been hunting? The dirty dozen?"

"The people who've been targeting Penelope?" He nods again, and his hands tighten around my thighs. "Nothing happened to her, right?"

"No, no," Spencer finally lifts his head and sniffles again, wiping his cheeks with the heel of his hand, "she's fine. Actually, she's finally able to go home now because of this case."

"Okay, tell me what happened. Something must have happened if you're crying," I put my hands on top of his and brush my thumbs over his knuckles, hoping to bring him extra comfort. He brings them against his chest, allowing me to feel it rise and fall a little too quickly for liking.

Spencer gulps. "I had to pose as a married man who wanted his pregnant wife killed so I could lure the last hitwoman out of hiding so we could capture her. We'd gotten everyone else, it was just her. She was so smart and she saw through the whole thing. She knew my ring was fake right off the bat. She set a timer on my phone and was asking me all these questions about me and how we found her and about me and my family and-"

"Your family?"

"After she got rid of my ring, she asked if I had a girlfriend and I said no and somehow, she believed me. And then she was telling me that the only person who would actually date me would be a brat and an idiot."

“I mean, I guess it’s up for debate but I wouldn’t categorize myself as either of those things.”

Spencer giggles, just a little bit, but a joyful noise nonetheless, and that’s enough for right this second. "Then it turns out that she had a partner in the restaurant the whole time who had rigged bombs in the basement. She threatened to kill all these innocent people if I didn't let her walk free, but I couldn't do either of those things." He's getting worked up again and his eyes are tearing up and his breathing is shallowing and it just breaks my heart.

"Bub," I whisper, squeezing his hands, "breathe, okay? You're here now, you're okay."

Spencer lets out a heavy breath that sounds painful. But he squeezes my hands tighter and continues. "The only way I could throw her off her game was by lying to her. Her father had, um," Spencer glances up at me with a nervous look in his eye, "killed her mother when she was young and she was fostered," oh, that's why he was hesitant to say that, "and I had to tell her that I went looking for her father and that I found him and he just didn't recognize her, but that wasn't true. I couldn't find him at all. But then when Morgan moved in to take her down, he lied and told her that her father was at the restaurant and I just-” he shutters, “it was so horrible. I was so scared. She had a gun on me the whole time and I've had guns pointed at me so many times but I knew she wanted to shoot me and I knew she hated me and I knew she would have no problem killing me at any time. It was- god, it was so horrible."

I scoop Spencer into my arms again as he collapses into a new fit of sobs, body trembling. "Spence, I'm so sorry. But you did the right thing. Just think about Penelope. She's safe now, right? She can go home now and she can sleep peacefully knowing that there aren't hitmen coming for her and that you helped take them down. That hitwoman is in prison and you won't have to see her ever again. Now you're here with me and you're safe, okay?"

Spencer doesn't answer. He just lets me hold him and whisper in his ear and part of me hates that he's not talking. He shuts himself off and just barely hears what I’m saying, and only reacts when I touch his hair. He doesn’t return any verbal or physical expressions of love, not that I’m the one who needs them right now, but he just lays limp in my arms and whimpers like a kicked puppy.

"Hey," I whisper, pulling him up a bit and holding his face in my hands, "why don't you go change your clothes and maybe take a shower, if you want, and then come back down? Maybe you'll feel a little better."

Spencer nods and pushes himself up. Without another word, he grabs his two bags and trudges up the stairs to my bedroom, and just a moment later, I hear the bathroom door open and then the shower running.

With a heavy sigh, I locate my phone and text my friends to tell them I won't be making it to brunch. I don't bother to wait for their inevitably irritated responses before tucking my phone away, rushing around my apartment. I find the basket I'm looking for and then snatch the blanket from the back of the couch. I toss food and snacks and drinks into the basket, listening carefully to the running shower upstairs. When I've assembled everything I need, I take a seat on the island and wait for Spencer to be done in the shower.

It's almost half an hour before Spencer comes strolling down the stairs in jeans, a tee-shirt, and his converse. His work attire and weekend attire have too much of a layover, in my opinion. He’s always wearing his trousers and cardigans, occasionally a blazer. I’ve only gotten the pleasure of seeing him in jeans and a tee-shirt a handful of times, so despite the fact that he's the one with the fancy memory, I try to commit the sight to memory.

He's running his fingers through his wet and growing curls when he enters the kitchen, furrowing his eyebrows. "What's all this?"

"We, my dove," I quip, reaching my hands out for him, "are going on a picnic."

Spencer's eyebrows pitch up while he half-heartedly puts his hands in mine and steps closer to me, standing between my legs. "A picnic? Where? On the balcony?"

"No, silly," I giggle, leaning forward to kiss his nose. It makes him scrunch up his nose in the most adorable way. "We're gonna go to the park. It's nice out today and it's rare that I get to have you home during the day so let me cheer you up. Just- humor me, okay?"

Spencer glances beside me at the basket and the blanket, then back at my pouting face. He sighs, resigned. "Okay, sure."

"Good," I grin, leaning forward to press my lips to his briefly. “Let's go before it gets too late."

Spencer grabs the basket and helps me off the island, leaving me to grab the blanket. I lock up my apartment and we head off, walking hand in hand, silence looming over us. We would both usually attempt to fill the silence on a walk, but this time, it feels appropriate. We let the silence exist and distract ourselves by swinging our hands between us. I’m content with it though and I can only hope Spencer is too. I can only hope the silence isn’t letting Spencer get lost in his thoughts.

We finally reach the park and pick a spot to set up, using our shoes to hold down the edges of the blanket before taking our seats. We unload the basket and pass snacks to each other, avoiding the wine I brought, just in case we wanted to let loose. But this clearly isn’t the time for alcohol. So I work on my pretzels and watch a little boy giggle as he flies a kite with his mom.

"So, um," Spencer eventually hums, staring down at the container of walnuts in his hand, "I actually, um, I lied to you."

My hands freeze when they reach for a water bottle, my eyebrows raising. "Excuse me?"

Spencer lets out a breath. He reaches for a walnut but doesn't eat it, and just swirls it between his fingers. "I did go to Houston but it wasn't for a case. I went to see my mom. I asked Garcia to cover for me if you asked or went to the office."

"Why'd you have to lie about that? Is she okay? Spence, I could've gone with you.”

"I know, I should've told you and I feel bad that I didn't but I just wanted to deal with it myself."

"So what happened? Something happened. I can tell. What happened?"

The walnut in his hand slips out and falls onto the blanket, and now that his distraction is gone, he hangs his head again. "I got a call from the facility and they said the medication they were giving her wasn't working anymore. She was agitated and angry and they wanted me to go see her. So I went and when I went into her room, for three seconds-" he lets out a shaky breath and I find myself wondering if he even has any more tears to fall, but I quickly get that answer, "she had no idea who I was. So I had her tested and I found that night that she has an early onset of dementia."

I'm speechless for a moment, just processing that heavy information. I surely don't know as much as Spencer does but I know that this is not apart of schizophrenia. I've never heard stories of Diana not know her own son. I’ve never seen him so upset after a visit with his mom. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this intensely sad. Usually, if he’s upset from a case, I can spend an hour or two distracting him and then I’ll be blessed with seeing his smile again. But after this, I don’t know if he’ll ever smile.

"Oh, Spencer," I lurch forward and hug him for what seems like the millionth time, but he doesn't make an effort to hug me back. His arms hang loosely at his side and he just noses at my neck, not even caring enough to kiss me or hug me or touch me at all. "Love, I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry you had to go through that alone. I don’t know what to say other than I’ll be here for you and Diana and I’m always gonna be here to help you if you want it."

Spencer still doesn't respond and he still doesn't hug me back. So I let go and drop my arms to my side, chewing on my lip. I want to comfort him. I want to help. But he seems so lost in his own head, and that's the most dangerous place to be lost in. I know what it’s like to be trapped in your head with your thoughts, and I know Spencer does too, and it’s not a nice place to be. But I have no idea what I’m doing and I have no clue how to help him.

My eyes stray from his to the park around us. There are kids running around and dogs on leases and people going on runs. It's a stunning day out, and when my eyes linger up to the sky, squinting at the sun, I smile. I shift my body and lay down on my back, reaching back to rest my hand on Spencer's knee as I stare at the vast color that seems to match my eyes, or so I've been told. 

"I think," I say softly, pointing upwards, "that one looks like a dinosaur." The clouds roll along in the sky and I study each of them quickly, searching for distinguishable shapes that I can point out. "And that one kinda looks like, well, I was gonna say an alien but now it looks more like a turtle," In the corner of my eye, I see Spencer tilt his head up to stare up at the sky. "And that one," I point to a passing cloud, "looks like a hat."

Spencer grabs the hand that is resting on his knees and intertwines our hands before laying down beside me. "I still don't get it. They're just clouds,"

"Then tell me about the clouds," I quip, letting my head fall onto his shoulder. "Educate me."

“Well, there are three main types of clouds. Cumulus, stratus, and cirrus. Stratus clouds are flat and featureless, like layered sheets. Cumulus clouds are puffy. Cirrus clouds are thin and wispy and are usually high in the sky.”

Spencer surely educates me. He goes on and on about the different types of clouds and the variations of them, and which produces the most rainwater and which form the fastest. I think he talks for close to half an hour, going on and on with his beautiful voice about something I never really give a second thought to. But I stare straight up and barely move a muscle, keeping my head on his shoulder and my hand laced in his.

"I talked for a while," Spencer chuckles as his lecture comes to an end, and he twists his neck to kiss my forehead. "Sorry."

"I enjoyed it. Can't say I'll remember it, but I like hearing you talk," I smile, turning to capture his lips in a kiss. "But I think that one looks like a lamp."

"I still don't see any pictures," Spencer sighs, returning his gaze up to the sky.

"That's okay. You will one day. It takes practice," I pause, squinting my eyes. "That's definitely a car. Like, a pickup truck," I reach my free hand over and grab Spencer’s cheeks, twisting his head for him at the passing cloud. Cumulus, I think. “There. That’s the pickup truck.”

"Thank you for taking my mind off everything," Spencer whispers, and his head breaks free from my grasp to look over at me. My hand drops to his chest. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I think I'd go crazy. I truly don't know what I did before you and I don't know what I'd do if you-"

"You-" I cut him off before he can even finish his sentence, "don't have to worry about living without me because I'm not going anywhere. That's a camera, no doubt."

Spencer laughs, returning his gaze up. "Whatever you say, beautiful."

“You know,” I drag my hand down to his stomach and brush my thumb over the soft fabric of his shirt, “this might sound a little stupid. But the day we met, when I left my apartment for the cafe, when I looked up, there was a cloud in the shape of a heart. And I don’t know why but I just knew it would be a good day. Is that stupid?”

“No, it’s not stupid,” Spencer says. “Actually, if we were characters in a fiction novel, that heart cloud could be considered an objective correlative. That’s a symbol or event or group of things that are meant to represent emotions in the story. So in a movie, it could be thunder and lightning before a bad event or feeling a chill go down your spine. Or the cloud could be considered foreshadowing, even though foreshadowing doesn’t exist in real life. And if it does then it’s just a coincidence. Yeah, I guess for you it would’ve been a coincidence. A good coincidence. An accurate one because, you know, you kinda fell in love after you saw the heart cloud.”

It's my turn to look at him now, and I study the curve of his nose, his jawline, the outline of his lips. He's stunning. The sun illuminates his features, even the sweat gathering at his hairline, and I can’t remember a time when I was this utterly, wholeheartedly in love with him. With everything about him. The good and the bad. "Spence, I know it doesn't seem like it, but everything is gonna be okay," I whisper, moving closer to him, nuzzling my nose against his neck while his arm wraps around my waist. "And even if it's not, I'm gonna be right here, holding your hand and staying by your side the entire time. I'm not going anywhere. You can't get rid of me. No way."

"I wouldn't want to," Spencer quips, moving his arm around my waist. "I love you too much."

"I love you too. Come here," I sit up just a bit and draw his lips closer to mine, letting my eyes flutter closed. "Everything is gonna be okay, dove.”

///

ABOUT SIX MONTHS LATER

///

"Ow! Fuck, Spencer! That's way too hot!"

"Then turn it down."

"Well, my hands are a little tied right now."

"That's not my fault."

"It kinda is your fault because you made the stove too hot!"

Spencer laughs and comes up behind me, his arms circling my waist, resting his chin atop my head. "I'm sorry. You know cooking and baking aren't my forte."

I send Spencer a sharp look over my shoulder, huffing. "You're so lucky you're cute."

He rolls his eyes and then moves beside me, gently grabbing my wrist. "Let me see," he pulls my hand from under the running cold water to inspect my finger. "It's fine, just a little red."

"I know," I smile as Spencer brings my pointer finger up to his lips to lay a sweet kiss on my skin. "You're just so adorable."

"I try," Spencer shrugs innocently, making me laugh. "Okay, let's finish chocolate covering these strawberries and get them in the freezer."

I hum in agreement and move back to the stove, the heat setting now turned down by Spencer, post finger burning. So I reach over Spencer and grab another strawberry and dip it into the chocolate before setting it onto the wax paper. Once we've run out of strawberries, Spencer puts the tray in the freezer. I go skipping into his living room and curl up on the couch, turning on the tv and waiting for him to arrive.

It's only a minute before he's curling up beside me, pulling me into his arms and kissing my cheek. "It's amazing you didn't get called into work today," I say. "I guess since you had to miss our birthdays and Halloween this year, the serials killers decided to let us celebrate our two year anniversary together."

Spencer laughs as he pulls me even closer to his chest, placing a kiss on the top of my head. "I'm glad they did. I mean, I wish they let us spend every day together but I'm glad they let today be an exception."

I settle my head against Spencer's chest and keep my eyes on whatever's playing on the tv, brushing my fingers up and down his arm aimlessly. He hums contently and a smile comes to my face. These moments of quiet are rare. And getting to have these moments on days like today, our two-year anniversary, are few and far between. We have to take advantage of them while we can.

"Hey," Spencer whispers, "I've got a question." I hum in response, flickering my eyes up to him for a moment. "So, you know, you're always spending your time here and I'm always spending my time at your apartment," I immediately look back up at him, already understanding what he's about to ask. "We're always together so doesn't it just make sense that, you know, we live together?" He raises his eyebrows, then sucks his bottom lip between his teeth out of anxiousness. "We always make a point to get together when I'm home, and I know you sometimes stop by here when I'm away on cases. We should- doesn't it make sense? We'd get to see each other more."

My grin spreads across my face as I tackle him to his back, squeezing his waist. "Spencer, that sounds perfect. I'd absolutely love to move in with you."

"Seriously? You'd actually wanna buy a house with me?"

"Of course!" I giggle, bringing my hands to his jawline, holding his face in front of me. "Why do you think I’ve stuck around so long? Yes, Spencer, of course I do," He attacks me with kisses, quickly lifting me up and carrying me towards his bedroom. "Dove, the strawberries-"

"I don’t want the strawberries right now. I want you."

It was silly of me to expect that moment to last forever. Our second year together was amazing. Well, as amazing as it could have been. Spencer hunts the worst people in society and parts of him break every day and I start a new exhibit, but we still meet up when we can and hold each other and make each other laugh and cook and look at clouds (with only me describing shapes) and just comfort each other. It was completely foolish of me to expect that happiness bubble not to burst.

Spencer doesn't like change and that's not hard to tell. The change of dating me was hard enough for him and I've learned that it was hard for him to get used to a new daily routine with another person in it. But then the BAU team changes and that almost makes Spencer spiral. Alex Blake left a while ago and Spencer was crushed, and then Kate came and he loved her. But then she left to have a baby. Then Morgan went through a trauma and decided to leave to protect Savannah and his baby. He lost Morgan and then soon lost Hotch.

Hotch was targeted by a serial killer that I only know by the name of Mr. Scratch. He sounds horrible, especially since he captured Hotch and drugged him, then tried to get him to kill his team. Then there was a prison break that sounded absolutely terrifying and made me almost spiral when I heard about it, and Mr. Scratch escaped. And the first thing he did? Stalk Hotch and his son. Hotch decided to leave the team in the hands of Emily Prentiss, who I've learned is an old team member who left to work for Interpol after a very complicated sequence of events, and entered Witness Protection to keep Jack safe. Spencer learned so much from Hotch and looked up to him, so losing the unit chief was a huge hit. It was a hit for everyone on the team, but this huge change meant creating another new routine.

Although losing those valued team members was horrible and stressful, they gained amazing replacements. Tara, Emily, Luke, and Stephen are amazing profilers who jumped into the BAU pool with both feet in, and the rest of the team appreciated that. They give their all to the team and together, they're taking down the escaped serial killers who got away during the Rawdon prison break.

But then Spencer starts to get some phone calls. It started out as one, interrupting a late-night dinner date on the balcony after Spencer got home from a case. He didn't think much of it at first, not even going inside to his apartment to talk privately. Turns out, his mother wasn't reacting well to the new trial he just got her into. Spencer didn't take this news well and our dinner was ruined. He stormed inside and spent the rest of the night at his desk, reading the same stack of books about experimental medicine over and over. I cleaned up our plates and went home. That's when I first started to see him pull away from me. From life. From everyone.

The calls became more frequent after that and the books piled up on his desk. The dinner dates and the hookups and the mid-case phone calls stopped, and our before-work cafe dates have been completely nonexistent. Spencer put every ounce of free time he had into helping his mother and her condition, and I had to respect that so I didn't say anything. I let him research experimental medicine and do all the fancy doctor things that I'll never understand, and I just kept my focus on my art.

He decides to go out and visit her and insists I don't come, that he can do it alone. I try so hard to convince him, but he doesn't budge. So I concede and he takes a week off of work to go, and I practically lock myself in my studio. My friends come by and I keep my concerns about Spencer to myself, but then I rant when it's only Jenna around. She's confused too, understandably, but offers no valid advice. I don't blame her, if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have a clue what to say. And when Jenna asks me if we've found a house that we like yet, I tell her that we haven't even started looking yet. Spencer has been too occupied with more important things.

When Spencer returns, a selfish thought comes to mind. I think maybe everything has been solved. I think that maybe all those hours Spencer spent ignoring me and focusing on his mom and researching experimental medicine have paid off and he's solved world hunger and now his mom is cured. It's absolutely horrible. It's maybe the worst thing I've ever thought. No, it's definitely the worst thing I've thought. But am I wrong for wanting things to go back to the way they were? Am I wrong for wanting my boyfriend back? No. Yes? I'm not sure. But all I know is that I'm worn down and no amount of wine can distract me.

When Spencer returns, he sits me down. And when he sits me down, I know my selfish thought was too selfish. My selfish thought made karma come back to bite me in the ass. He's got a solemn look on his face and he's not holding my hand or touching me at all, he barely even wanted to kiss me when he showed up at my apartment.

"So," Spencer sighed, running his hand through his grown-out hair, "um, the clinical trial that my mom is in isn't helping. She's not getting better." I had raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to get to the horrible and dark, inevitable punchline. "I'm gonna bring her here to live with me."

My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, eyebrows turning in. "What?"

Spencer groaned, burying his face in his hands. "She isn't getting better but whenever I go to visit, she seems to be fine. So I'm gonna bring her back here with me and she's gonna live with me. I'm gonna hire a nurse to watch her while I'm away on cases."

"Spencer, that's-" I let out a breath, tangling my hands on my hair. "I love you and you know that but I really don't think this is a good idea. Maybe this trial isn't helping her but another might. Find something close to here so you can see her more often but taking care of her yourself is going to be so hard. I don't think you realize what-"

"I've made up my mind, Lia," Spencer said stubbornly, as if ending the conversation there. "I've spent too long away from my mom and I don't want to anymore. She always feels better around me and I want her to get better already."

"Spencer." Just speaking his name made my heart hurt because I could feel the foundation under us crumbling. I could see it crumble when he doesn’t soften at the sound of his name from my mouth. That used to always happen. "This is a bad idea. Please reconsider. You're so busy with work already and then you're gonna go home and have to take care of your mother. You're not gonna have time to see me, or Henry and Michael and Hank, or do literally anything else. Spence," the selfish thoughts came back, "I'm sorry to be like this but you asked me to move in with you."

Spencer sighed, and that was all I needed. I stood from his couch and he quickly followed me to the door where I had already started pulling on my shoes. "Amelia, please. I know I asked you to move in with me but she's my mother and I can't abandon her-"

"She needs professional help!" I exclaimed, whipping around to face him. "You went through this pain when you were eighteen and you're gonna force yourself to go through it yet again when you don't even have to. Hey, Spencer, did you notice I got a new piercing?" I pointed to my ear and watched his face fall. "Yeah, I got my tragus pierced. But you've been so caught up in this experimental medicine thing that you haven't even noticed that. Just imagine how much more time you won't have when your mom starts living with you."

Spencer shook his head at me, just tucking his hands in his pockets and staring down at his shoes. "You're not listening to me." And then I left.

We didn't talk much after that. I texted him to make sure he was doing okay during his cases and got minimal responses. He eventually told me that he found a nurse to take care of Diana, and that he'd be traveling to Houston to take his mother out of the trial. It was surely the worst decision for Diana, but I guess I have to support my boyfriend.

So after Diana is settled into Spencer's apartment as much as she can be, I head over. She knew who I was right away from the two times I'd met her before, and Spencer and I were both surprised about that. I expected her to not recognize me and Spencer expected her to accuse me of being a spy. I didn't fully understand that, but when he explained how Diana had accused the nurse of being just that, it made sense. Kind of. I don't know how Spencer couldn't see it, but Diana didn't seem comfortable in his little apartment. Or maybe he did see it and just ignored it because he liked having her so close after so long.

Exactly what I predicted happened. I barely saw Spencer for two weeks and in the few times that we got to text, I found out that Diana wasn't doing well at all. She flooded the apartment and ran out the first nurse and now Spencer couldn't go on a case until he found a new nurse. She hated the taste of her medicine, which is odd because I've never found that pills have much of a taste unless you hold them in your mouth too long, and didn't want to take it. But Spencer is a hardass about medicine. I know that from experience when he complained I wasn't taking medication for my panic attacks.

But eventually, Spencer finds a wonderful nurse named Cassie who agrees to work with them and Spencer goes off on a case, and I accept that I'll never get to see him again. We text occasionally but I haven't heard his voice in weeks and we haven't gone on a proper date in maybe months and god knows we haven't had sex in forever. All those selfish thoughts return to make me feel like a horrible person, but am I horrible? Diana needs to be in a care facility, not her son’s apartment where he leaves every few days, and with a stranger who Diana believes is a spy.

I was completely ignorant to believe that our happiness bubble wouldn’t pop. No, the harsh beginning of our relationship would prove that no happiness lasts. We couldn't even get through a year without something tragic happening.

And it sounds so horrible, but at this point, I'm incapable of creating my own happiness. I need Spencer to be happy. I need him to be able to enjoy my tea in the morning. I need him to enjoy watching The Polar Express. I need him to find shapes in the clouds. I need him to make my spontaneous trips to the BAU to see Penelope. I need him so I can be happy. It's codependent and maybe it's toxic but he's my whole world. He's the reason I live and breathe.

///

SPENCER

///

I'm good at holding myself together. I'm good at putting on a smile and helping others before I help myself. It's become a skill of mine over the years, and maybe one that I shouldn't be so good at. But it is and I pride myself on not alarming my teammates when anything is wrong. But stalking cases are a whole other story. I do my best to keep up my world-class poker face when I see that the object of the unsubs affection is a brunette with bangs, but it proves to get harder and harder throughout.

I commend myself for keeping it together. I commend myself for keeping it together when the unsub kidnaps the brunette after we arrive. I commend myself for keeping it together when we witness the unsub send a bullet through the brunette's head. I commend myself for keeping it together as I slap handcuffs on the unsub and shove him in the backseat of a car. I even manage to keep it together through questioning from the whole team. Emily, Rossi, Luke, Tara, JJ, Stephen, and Garcia all ask me if I'm doing okay. Seriously, even the new people. I promise I'm fine. It was a while ago, I tell them, I'm fine.

I should be proud of myself for keeping it together until I get back to the hotel. I keep it together through the wrap-up interviews with the unsub and the goodbye with the local police, ignoring the images that are circling in my brain, now adding another set of images to resurface when I wish they never would.

I don't break down until I'm lying in my hotel room bed. It doesn't happen at first. I just lay down and stare at the ceiling and then my eyes start to burn and then suddenly, there are tears dripping down my cheeks. And as soon as one tear falls, there's a waterfall that follows.

I reach into my pocket and rip out my phone, searching for Amelia's number. I'm blinded by my own tears but I hiccup and hold the phone up to my ear, curling up on my side, ignoring the way I feel so uncomfortable in my trousers and converse and way-too-tight tie. After the phone rings twice, I accept that she's not going to answer, but then she does, and I feel a wave of relief wash over me.

"Hi," she answers softly, and then pauses. "Spencer, what's wrong? What happened? You're crying."

"I know you're mad at me," I cry helplessly, squeezing my eyes shut, "but I really need you right now."

"Of course. I’m right here," she answers in her beautiful, sweet, calming voice. "What do you need? Are you okay?"

I hiccup again, bringing my hand up to my eyes and trying to wiping my cheeks. "It was-" I sniffle, "a stalking case.”

"Oh," Amelia answers, fully understanding. "Okay, dove, do you have your medallion?"

I suddenly remember that and I sit up, hastily grabbing my messenger bag and digging it out of one of the many pockets. "Y-Yeah, I have it now."

"Good,"

"Could you pick me up? I don't wanna drive home."

"Of course. I'll be waiting when you get back."

///

The ride up the sixth floor is excruciating. I'm cramped with everyone else and I just want to go to sleep. I just want to be with my girlfriend. Emily looks over at me and smiles, but I don't bother to profile her smile. Whether it was pity or sorrow or just plain friendliness, I don't care at the moment.

I'm the first one out of the elevator when the doors slide open and my eyes wander inside and to my desk, and my feet glue to the floor. Everyone passes right by me and into the bullpen, but I just stare at the beautiful scene in front of me.

Amelia is sitting on my desk with her legs crossed, dressed in oversized sweats, which are definitely mine, with her curly hair in a bun and her glasses on. I can't blame her for her outfit choice, it is nearing midnight. But she's got her sketchbook in her lap and she's speaking to Henry who's sitting in my desk chair with a notebook in his lap, and she's clearly instructing him on how to draw something. He turns his notebook to her and she grins proudly before giving him a high five. Henry encourages her to teach him something else and they both flip their pages. Amelia leans in with her pencil in hand to show him something else.

"Hey," JJ comes from behind me and lands at my side, following my line of sight. She grins and watches the two interact perfectly, and Amelia gives Henry another high five. "You know, if we don't get a case this weekend, I'm available to go look at rings."

I just start to nod slowly, my head fuzzy with the amount of love I'm feeling for my girlfriend. We haven't been in a good place with our relationship and that's not really a secret. She isn’t happy with my choice to bring home my mom, and she's upset that she feels like her life has to suffer because of the choices I've made, and that's completely valid. But here she is, dropping everything to come and comfort her crying boyfriend at midnight on a Wednesday night, despite how upset she is with me.

So I just look down at JJ, nodding, and her smile grows as I say, "Deal."

///

AMELIA

Change can be such a beautiful thing. Change can be the thing that encourages people to start over and become a new person. A big enough change can transform a life. My life has been change after change after change that I've embraced it and welcomed it. If I don't accept something that happens so constantly in my life, where would that get me?

But sometimes change isn't good. Sometimes it's imperative that things stay the same. There are times where life is too hectic and busy and it would be detrimental for change to make an appearance. Change, then, makes life far too stressful and just plain unlivable.

I thought I'd gone through enough change since meeting Spencer. Dating an FBI agent, specifically, someone in the BAU, changes enough. But then he gets injured and he misses important dates and he works with the man who arrested my serial killer father and he brings his paranoid schizophrenic mother with dementia home to live with him. That's enough change for anyone, and Spencer hates change. I've never met a person who hates change more than him.

I've learned to keep a normal routine since I met Spencer. Well, as normal as I can. Even though I may not be doing anything in a day, I always get up and get dressed, whether Spencer is around or not. I've gotten used to not changing things and I've found the comfort in it.

I don't let today differ from my other days. I wake up in my cold, empty bed and stumble into a cold shower, washing away the throbbing between my legs and the oil on my skin. I blow dry my hair and get dressed in a white sundress that Spencer once told me is his favorite, tying half my hair back with a bow. I do my makeup and put in my piercings and clean my new piercing and go about my life, checking my phone for a text from Spencer. But all I find is groupchat texts from my friends and a text from Jenna asking me if I wanna go out tonight, so I put my phone away and go make myself a cup of tea.

My tea tastes wrong today. I've put in too much sugar and it doesn't taste right when Spencer's not making it for me, or when he's not holding my hand, or when he's not stealing kisses before rushing out the door for work. Life just isn't the same without him and I wish that he could come to his senses about his mother.

I'm halfway through my cup of tea when there's a knock at my front door. The irrational part of my brain perks up and thinks it's Spencer coming home from his trip to Houston, but the rational part of my brain knows that he would go home to his mother first. His mother comes first now. That is a change I need to get used to. Selfish.

"Coming!" I call, setting my cup of tea down on the island. I double-check to make sure I've turned off the stove and the kettle is safely moved aside before rushing to the door.

I pull open the door and instantly, my heart sinks to my feet. Seeing Penelope and JJ standing at my door would usually make me smile and pull out a bottle of wine, but today, it makes my hands sweat. I know this isn't good. I can tell it isn't good by the way JJ is staring down at the floor and by the tears stains in Penelope's makeup.

Spencer is dead. That's it. He's gone. I don't know how it happened but he's dead and gone and I'm all alone. My head starts to spin and I grip the doorknob in my hand so tight that I think I might break it off.

JJ's head pops up a moment later and she gives me a quick, tight-lipped smile and I notice her grab onto Penelope's hand. "Hi, Amelia," she says, her voice quieter than I’ve ever heard it before. "We, um, we gotta talk to you."

I gulp, my chest burning as I nod and open up the door a little bit further for them. The two step inside and even though they've been in my apartment a few times, when I was invited to ladies nights and hosted, they walk as if they're strangers. They're uncomfortable strangers who would rather be anywhere else.

I close the door and the three of us linger in the entryway. I almost regret not putting on a record this morning because the silence is choking me. Garcia is avoiding eye contact and looking around and JJ is doing something similar, but her eyes are stuck on my wall of pictures. And it seems to be the picture of Spencer and I. It was one that had taken hours to convince him to take and when I'd finally pressed the button on my camera, we were giggling relentlessly and Spencer was clinging to my side. It's one of my favorite pictures of us, which is why it's on my wall. I look at it every day and wish we could go back to that moment.

"Do you guys want a drink or anything?" I offer because I just don't know what else to say. I truly don't want to hear what they have to tell me.

Penelope turns her head back to me and shakes her head. "Um, no. No thanks."

"Amelia," JJ states, her voice sharper than I imagined. But then she brings her eyes to mine and her face softens. "Do you, um, do you wanna sit?"

"Tell me what happened to him." I sputter, bringing my hands to my hips. I'm already breaking and there are already tears in my eyes. They wouldn't be here during a work day just to tell me that Spencer is happy and healthy at work, about to get on the jet so they can go to their case.

Penelope lets out a whimper and puts her face in her hands, pulling her hand away from JJ's. JJ sighs and looks between me and her friend. "Spence is, um," she lets out a breath again and forces out whatever words are painful on her tongue, "he got arrested in Mexico. He was in a car chase with the Mexican police and then he was found with a huge amount of cocaine and heroin in his trunk, and he was high out of his mind. Emily, Rossi, and Luke went down to Mexico to investigate and they found a body and they're now charging him with drug possession with the intent to distribute, and manslaughter."

Like I said, some change is good. Changing bed sheets, changing clothes after a workout, changing your mind on a restaurant for dinner. Change is necessary for life to go on. Not change like this. I could never accept a huge change like Spencer getting arrested in a foreign country while being high. All of that is absolutely ridiculous and I almost roll my eyes when JJ tells me. But her face stays stoic and I know it's true.

Sometimes, I can feel myself getting pushed into the ground. I can feel my feet melt into the hardwood floor and I watch as the room starts to spin like a carousel. But there's no eccentric horse and no cheerful children. It's just me and my tears and my trembling knees.

"Amelia?"

There's a voice but I can't tell who's it is. Maybe it's JJ. Maybe it's Jenna. Maybe it's Penelope. Maybe it's Spencer. Maybe it's my mom. Maybe no one spoke at all. I can't even tell what's real anymore. If Spencer is high and getting arrested then we surely, must have entered a new dimension.

"He was framed, Amelia, we know it."

There's the voice again, and suddenly there's a hand on my arm, but my whole body tenses. My eyes glaze over and I can't even breathe, my chest heaving every time I try. Silent tears fall down my cheeks and I know that the longer I stand here, the more pain I feel.

But the glue under my feet has taken a liking to this specific spot of the floor and I'm stuck. So utterly stuck in this spot, in my head, in this lifetime. I can't breathe anymore. My lungs are flattened and they won't inflate.

"Amelia, you need to breathe."

I move my lips but no words come out. I'm grappling for words and gasping for words and I know what's happening but I can't stop it. Spencer always stops them. He always speaks to me in his soothing voice and waits to touch me until the nonverbal part of my attack has passed and then he hugs me up until I almost bruise.

But thinking about Spencer makes my knees buckle and I crumble to the floor, staring down at the hardwood as my tears create a puddle. I hang my head and ball my hands into fists, trying to find something to ground me but there's nothing. JJ and Penelope don't know what to do and Spencer can't magically appear to help me. They can't even call him because he's been arrested. Arrested.

My boyfriend has been arrested. My FBI boyfriend who wasn't happy to bail me out I when I was arrested for spray painting a brick wall that was public property. And now he's getting arrested for being high, being in a car chase, narcotics possession, and now murder? My boyfriend? My boyfriend who walks around with his sobriety medallion and cringes when we even see a scene on tv of someone doing drugs. This isn't him. This isn't My Spencer.

"Emily, Luke, and Rossi are with him. They said he's hazy and missing time but he's okay."

He's not okay. God, no. He won't be okay. He relapsed and once he comes down, he's going to be crushed. Absolutely pulverized. He'll never want to look at his medallion again. His medallion. Where the hell is that?

Time passes. So much time passes. It feels like forever. My hands bleed and my knees ache and my back is sore and my head starts to pound. I eventually collapse onto my side, almost curled up in the fetal position, my eyes squeezed shut. I need Spencer. I need him to hold me and to tell me he's going to be okay and to come home. Someone needs to tell me this has all been a cruel, disgusting, horrible prank.

"Amelia?" It's Penelope this time, that I know.

"Amelia, can you hear me?" And now it's JJ and she's crouching right beside me. I nod weakly and she sighs of relief. "Can I get you something? Water?" I nod again, and she goes rushing off to my kitchen.

Penelope helps me sit up again and leans me against the wall, wiping the tears from my cheeks. Her touch feels nice but it's not the same as Spencer's touch. Nothing will ever be the same.

"We're gonna save him," she whispers to me. "We're gonna prove that he was framed and we're gonna bring him home."

JJ returns with a glass of water for me and joins the two of us on the floor, crossing her legs. I sip slowly, my hands still shaking and my knees pulled up to my chest, protecting myself. My thoughts are shooting around in my head and I can't stop them.

"We've been fighting recently," I confess quietly. "Ever since he decided to bring his mom home, we have. On our anniversary, he asked me to move in with him and we agreed to buy a house, then he brought his mom home and started ignoring me. He cared more about experimental medicine than he did about me."

"That's not true," Penelope murmurs, placing her hand on my knee. "Anyone with eyes can see that Reid loved you more than himself. He'd lay down his life for you. He looks at you like you put the clouds in the sky," The statement makes my head spin quicker.

"Why don't you," JJ speaks next, "pack up some stuff and come to the BAU with us? You probably shouldn't be alone right now and you could use some company."

"Plus, we can keep you updated on Spencer when you're closer," Penelope says. "Go pack and we'll drive you."

I put the glass of water on the floor and manage to push myself to my feet. I trudge away from the girls and up the stairs to my bedroom, lugging a duffle bag out from under my bed. It almost doesn't feel real as I put a few things in the bag. It feels like someone else is controlling my body. I’m not moving like this. I’m not living in this dimension. 

I make my way back down the stairs and see the two women still lingering in the doorway, not even speaking. But they give me pitiful smiles when I enter, and they don't say anything when I grab my keys and open the door. I don't clean up my water glass or my cup of tea or double-check anything. I just need to leave.

///

Stephen and Tara's heads pop up when the elevator doors open, but I keep my head high. They're profiling me, as they always are with everyone, but I don't want to give them the power to see me so broken. So I keep my face neutral as I march right past them and down the hallway, directly into an empty interview room and slam the door shut.

Maybe it's wrong of me to be so cold to the team that is doing their best to help Spencer, but I can't help it. And maybe I'm mad at him. Maybe I'm fucking furious. How could he do this? How could he go to Mexico and put his life at risk, being a federal agent and being such a big target? How could he neglect to tell me that he was leaving the country? How could he do this to his team and his mom? How could he do this to me?

"Amelia?" Tara's knocking at the door, entering before I can even say come in. "I'm just checking in on you. I'm sure you're upset. We all are."

"He's stupid," I'm not sure why that's the first thing out of my mouth, but it is. "He's a fucking idiot. I've always known that but I didn't think he'd be this stupid."

Tara sighs and leans against the wall, dropping her head and trying to stay calm and level for me. "Did you know he was going to Mexico?"

"He told me he was going to Houston to meet with a doctor, that's all," I shake my head, ripping the too-cheerful bow out of my hair and letting it fall to the floor.

"When Garcia looked into his travels, it turned out that he crossed the border three times." I can't even bother to react. My body just feels numb and no new information can get past the shield I'm putting up. "You had no idea of any of this?"

"He always told me he was going to Houston. I never would've thought he was going to Mexico. Tara," my teary eyes travel up to meet hers, "JJ and Penelope said he was framed. Who is trying to frame him?"

Tara grabs a chair from the table a few feet over and sits in front of me. "Did Spencer ever tell you about someone named Mr. Scratch?"

"Him? I thought he was going after Hotch."

"He's coming after all of us. He came after me, he kidnapped my brother and drugged him, and we know that he did the same to Reid. It's our job now to find the evidence that points to Scratch." Stephen is at the door now, giving me a pitiful smile before gesturing for Tara to follow him out. She pats my knee before standing. "We're gonna get him home. You're obviously welcome to stay here, and if you need anything, let us know."

///

I thought that being apart of one FBI-involved case was enough for one lifetime. I don't miss being in this stale interview by myself while the BAU does their work, scrambling for evidence that supports Spencer and gets him home. But there's clearly not much or else I would have heard something. All the horrible memories of my childhood in police stations surface and swirl around my brain, leaving me frantically covering my eyes to will them again. I’m a kid again, laying on an uncomfortable couch and watching officers go back and forth without even looking at me. I’m a kid again, lost and confused with nowhere to go and no one to love me.

JJ and Penelope stop by over the day to check in on me and bring me food whenever they order some, but I don't eat much. I just spend my time staring at the wall and trying not to cry. I eventually leave the room just to change into sweatpants and a hoodie, and when I return, my phone is buzzing with a call from Jenna.

"Hey," she answers, and there's quite a bit of commotion from her end. "You were supposed to be here a half hour ago and The Bachelor starts in twenty minutes, so are you coming? Everyone else is already here and Frankie said he's gonna eat your Popeye's order soon."

"No," I answer quietly, "I'm not gonna make it. Sorry. I forgot to call."

"Are you okay? You sound off," Jenna's no profiler but she's always been good at hearing when I'm off. "Did something happen? Is Spencer okay?"

I cover my eyes with my hand and let out a shaky breath. "No, Jen, he's not."

There's a moment of silence on her line and the shouting from our friends gets quieter as she gets further from them. "Are you guys fighting more? What'd you guys say this time?"

"It's so much worse than that," I cry, curling up on the couch as the waterworks start yet again. "He got arrested." And so I start the story, relaying the details as I know them.

It's now that I accept the situation. Spencer is being framed by a criminally sophisticated serial killer who organized a prison break from behind bars. There won't be evidence. No, actually, there will be evidence and it will all be planted to point to my boyfriend. The minimum sense for murder is twenty years and the maximum is life. No matter what, he's going away for a long time or for forever. I might never see him in my bed again, or on my balcony, or buy a house with him, or have a family with him.

And so I cry to Jenna for hours. She misses The Bachelor and she has no idea who gets sent home or who gets a rose, but I don't think she cares. She listens to me cry over my tainted life plans. The wedding I'll never have. The kids I'll never birth. The mortgage I'll never pay. The college acceptance days I'll never attend. The birthday parties I'll never throw. It may never happen. And I've never been a pessimist, but this is the perfect time to be one.

I know that I fall asleep on the phone with her because when I wake up, my phone is on the floor of the room and it's still unlocked, telling me that it's nearly three in the morning. I'm wide awake and plagued with memories of the times I used to sit in bed with Spencer at this early morning time, eating Chinese food or ice cream and sometimes playing dumb card games that he lets me win or watching movies in a language I don’t speak or teaching him how to braid my hair.

I leave the dark interview room and wander into the dimly lit bullpen, finding right away that the four members of the BAU that are in the country are still in the conference room. They're working through the night and I wish I had the energy in me to thank them.

I push open the doors with every intention of forcing yself to have to energy to thank the team, but I pause when I get to Spencer's desk. His cardigan is still on the back of his chair, and there are more books covering the desk than I’ve ever seen. My pinky promise note has never moved from its spot on his computer and there are now two framed pictures of me on the desk. One is the same one that's hanging in my apartment, and the other is just me on my balcony, grinning at the camera. I hated the picture at the time and I still hate it now. Clearly, Spencer loved it enough to get it developed and put it on his desk. Every time I come here and see this picture, it makes me fall in love with Spencer just a little bit more.

I sit in the cardigan-covered chair and open the top drawer, finding basic office supplies. The next drawer is full of case files and paperwork that I don't have the stomach to go through, and besides, I'm sure I'd be the next to get arrested if I go through them. Federal business and all. I already know what is in the bottom drawer but I open it anyway, and I find that the stash of snacks I supply is still held there. I smile when I find that there are new snacks there, meaning that Spencer has finally learned and eats more when he's at work, even taking it upon himself to buy things other than what I provide for him.

I swivel the chair to the other side and open the only drawer on that side. This drawer is filled with the sketchbook/journals that I've provided for him, and at this point in our relationship, after two years, I've provided him with six already and he's working on his seventh. Each one is decorated differently and uniquely and each one is filled with whatever Spencer decides. I also find one of my hair scarves in here but I don't dare to touch it. I lost this scarf very early in our relationship and I realized I left it at Spencer's apartment, and I knew he'd never give it back to me. I steal his clothes and he steals my hair scarves.

The last thing I find is Spencer's medallion and I quickly pull that out, slamming the desk drawer closed. I'm not sure what to think of this. Did he leave it behind because he was tired of being sober? Did he leave it here on accident? Did he leave it here because he was framed and he didn't plan on getting drugged in a foreign country? I juggle the medallion between my fingers like I've seen Spencer do so many times and wonder if Spencer remembers his promise. I wonder if he remembers that he promised to always come home to me, that he'll always go north and he'll come home to me. Does he remember that?

"Hey," Penelope leans against the desk, giving me a small smile, "I've got a tiny bit of good news."

"Good news?" I echo, not at all convinced. How could they have good news that's tiny? The only good news in my book right now would be Spencer is released from custody.

"Yeah," she nods eagerly, "it turns out that the woman who was killed was a Mexican and an American citizen. The case was just extradited! They were gonna move Spencer to El Diablo Maximum Security Prison but instead, he's gonna go to federal jail here and await his trial."

I just nod at this news, because it's not really good. He's not proven innocent, in fact, plenty of people seem to think he's guilty if he was supposed to go to a Mexican prison. He still has to go to jail and stay there to wait for his trial and he still has to be proven innocent. It's not good news.

"Amelia, it's good, I promise. This means that we can control the case." But I still don't look up from the medallion as it passes between my fingers, and I only look up when she speaks again. "They're on their way back now and they're stopping by here first before bringing him to the federal jail."

"Really? Am I gonna be allowed to see him?" I perk up, the medallion rolling out of my fingers as I jump to my feet.

"Yeah! He's supposed to keep his handcuffs on but if we get you guys into an interview room or something, I'm sure we can make an exception for you," Penelope rubs her hand up and down my arms, smiling. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but everything's gonna be okay."

I scoff out a laugh, already retreating back to my lonely interview room. "It's funny, that's what I said to Spencer when he was upset over a case once. Guess I was wrong."

///

"Amelia, he's here." Penelope beams, waving me out of the interview room.

When I get to the elevator, Spencer is already hugging JJ. She sighs as she's nudged by his jacket-covered, handcuff-bound hands, hugging him as best as she can. I hear her promise the handcuffs are only because there are other people around, and Spencer nods in understanding. He looks horrible- exhausted and disheveled and nothing like the man I fell in love with. But as soon as I see him, a new wave of overwhelming, painful emotions wash over me.

Spencer lays eyes on me and his face crumbles, stepping past JJ to get to me. "I'm sorry," he whispers, but I'm not quite sure what it is he's apologizing for. There's a mountain of things it could be for. But I don't care.

I forget all the horrible things I was thinking before and pull the jacket away from his hands, ducking down and moving inside his circled arms, wrapping my arms around his neck. I squeeze him as tight as I can because I know he can't really hug me properly, and I hear him sigh contently. He melts into my embrace. His arms just hang around my waist but I barely pay mind to them. He's here and that's all I care about. He’s here and he’s touching me and he’s not okay, but he is alive and that’s all I care about.

"Are you okay?" I murmur into his neck, my eyes closed.

"No," he answers, and while I'm happy with his honesty, I'd do anything to change that answer. "I relapsed. After all those years, I relapsed."

"Spencer," I pull away and put my hands on his cheeks, staring into his red-rimmed and bloodshot eyes, "did you do it? Did you kill that woman and did you take those drugs and did you intend to distribute that stuff?"

"No, absolutely not," he answers quickly, shaking his head. "I-I was there," he looks over to make sure the team has left and they have, to give us privacy, "to get medication for my mom. I'm missing time from the drugs but that's the only thing I'm sure of. The medicine she was on wasn't helping and I found this experimental treatment but this doctor would only give it to me in Mexico and Scratch must have found out and used it against me and I'm so, so sorry, Amelia."

"Okay," I whisper back, nodding. "I believe you, dove. Whatever you tell me, I believe, you know that. The team believes you too and they're doing everything they can to prove your innocence."

He glances into the doors of the bullpen where the team is surely debriefing, now together after almost a week of being apart. Then Spencer brings his gaze back to me and rests his forehead against mine. "Are you okay? You look tired."

"Don't worry about me," I give him a tiny smile. "You worry about you."

"You had a panic attack." He quickly concludes, his face contorting into one of concern. "Where were you? Were you alone? Were you-"

"I was at home and I was with JJ and Penelope, but you know that you're the only one who helps. Anyone other than you just makes them worse. But it's fine, I'm fine. Don't waste your energy on me."

Spencer sighs, resigned, his eyes fluttering for a moment. "Can I give you a kiss?"

I savor the kiss. I savor the moment. I savor the way Spencer tries to get his hands on my back. I know that life is changing for a while. My pessimism is rearing its ugly head and I can't stop it. And whether I'm the only pessimist here or nobody else is confessing what they're thinking, I'm the only one acting on it, it seems. I kiss Spencer with everything I have because as soon as he's here, he's gone. He's sitting in a jail cell and he's staring at all without me and without his team. But this is the change that life has brought us. A change that I refuse to adapt to.

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[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty good day. But I woke up with some really bad anxiety. I first got up around 5:30 and try to fall back asleep. I was able to doze at least until around 6:30. But then I got up. I got dressed and I told James I just couldn't you in the house right now. I had to go and clean the old apartment. I was just dealing with too much stress and I couldn't wait till this afternoon.

So I biked to the old place. And I clean the fridge and I took out the rest of the trash. I just tried to do what I could to make myself feel better. I called James because I felt overwhelmed and he told me he would come back later in the day and finish cleaning and do a video walkthrough for me. That made me feel a bit better. Felt like I had some help. Please just spoke so dusty and I couldn't handle it. And I just needed help.

I called my dad and talk to him for a little. Told him a little bit more about the new place and the plan for coming to visit next week. And it was nice. I calmed down enough and I still have almost an hour until I really needed to be at the Museum.

So I decided to bike over to the new place. I looked around to the front and back of the building. Saw that there is a swing set over at the park that we're going to be across the street from. So that's exciting. I love swing set. And then I figured out the best way to get downtown.

And that was really easy actually. There's only one part where there's a little bit of a hill. But it's not a bad Hill and it was a pretty comfortable ride. I'm really excited to move. I'm hoping that maybe while I'm gone for a few days James will take some initiative and just do some of it. But we'll see. We both have pretty full schedules this week and then I go to the beach and I'm going to go see my parents and I'm glad we have the flexibility to kind of move as a process. But I also just desperately want to be over there and I'm packing and putting things away. I am so sick of all the little piles of stuff we have in this apartment. I just want to put it away.

I got down to the museum around 8:30. So I went to McDonald's and got breakfast. I ate it there. And took my time.

It was a really nice day though. I got to talk to some really interesting people. I only gave one actual tour but I went through the museum and would show people stuff and tell stories. I cleaned and organized the back office area. Help Kate bring some stuff up to the office is on the other side of the building. The ones I don't go up to very often. It was nice.

It was mostly very chill day. Around 1:30 ish I went over to Chipotle and got nachos. I came back and had half of them. I think I'm going to bring the other half to school tomorrow. And then at 2 I gave my one big tour of the day.

And man was it a doozy. I knew it was going to be emotional because of all the presidential comments about Baltimore yesterday. And I wasn't as emotional as I thought I was going to be I was angry. Because there was a couple on our tour who were tourists. And the guy could not stop interrupting to make disparaging comments about Baltimore. Overall it was a very good tour. I got to tell my stories and there was comments and questions and the tour lasted a little over an hour. I had this one young couple who is considering coming here for college and they were just so sweet. But that one guy interrupted me when I got into my reasons I love Baltimore part of my tour and he really upset me. Thankfully everyone else in the car kind of jumped on him when he said that Baltimore was the most crime ridden place in America. And I just looked at him and I said no. Here are the reasons you are wrong about the Baltimore Community. The reasons it's a good place. The reasons it has been disenfranchised and the ways that the community is trying to make it better. And by saying that horrible stuff about it it's not helping anything and it's just mean.

Thankfully I had some really nice people to talk to after the tour that had questions and positive things to say. And I got to gush about Baltimore then. Uninterrupted by negativity.

But because my Torrid of a little bit longer than I planned to have you had to wait to have her lunch. I feel bad about that. But you put me in charge of the register and I had not done that at the BMI yet. So it was scary. But it's the same POS system as over at ships so it was fine. I did have some trouble with the credit cards and had to hand type them in because I couldn't figure out how to use the scanner but I sold it and I sold two tickets on a t-shirt. Very proud of myself. I am now trained to work at the front desk.

I left there a little bit before 4. And man it was hot outside. I ended up liking back to the harbor but the sun was so bright I just wanted to go be inside somewhere so I went to Marshalls. I needed to buy jean shorts anyway.

As I was coming up the escalator there was a credit card at the top of the stairs. A man saw it and he reached down to pick it up and I said oh no that's not a good thing to lose. And then I look to the side and there's and insurance card and a driver's license. I was like oh no and then someone said I think that's her over there. So I went to go ask but it wasn't she just had similar hair. So we gave them to the security guard and hoped for the best.

While it was over looking at the clearance stuff I found the girl. And she had already gotten it from the security guard and she thanked me and it was great. I heard her on the phone on the other side the rack telling the person that I was a sweet lady who found her stuff and she basically lost her entire life somehow and felt very stupid was so happy that I found it and not somebody who was mean.

And I found my shorts. They fit me very well but they do have that weird holes distressing thing happening in it. So I think I'm going to put some colorful fabric underneath of it for like a cool effect. But they fit me so good I couldn't turn them down for $12.

I left there and biked home. I took kind of a funny way and was just kind of exploring. But I got back here around 5.

I put some stuff away. Water the plants because they all looked sad. I had a succulent clipping that had rooted, so I planted that. First time I've ever tried this. And then I took a bath. I put olive oil in my hair because my scalp is so dry and now I'm just kind of hanging out. James has a meeting that's supposed to be over at 7. So he'll probably be home soon. So I'm just eating crackers. Tomorrow I have a half day of camp. Because I have to go to my apartment walk through. I am so anxious over this. I hate it. I feel like the last apartment walkthrough I had went so simple and so easy just look around it was like a cool. And then even with the U-haul pick up the guy just looked at said okay cool and signed off. I'm hoping that this will be the same thing. We cleaned it looks great on video but it's probably still Dusty because everything's Dusty. So I'm just hoping that whoever from the maintenance company comes is nice. And doesn't make me feel horrible about everything because I already feel horrible and everything. And I hate that I have to leave work so early because then I have to leave the big kids halfway through stem. And that feels horrible. But I'm hoping that they can at least get started and it won't matter that I'm not there for the second the half of the afternoon. I should have made the appointment for 3 I don't know why I made it for 2. I think I just freaked out.

I still think it will be a nice day. It's the last week of camp and I am hoping it will be great. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well. Be safe out there. Take care of each other. Try not to let all the small stuff get to you.

[terrablaze514]

Musings... Episode 2

So… can't you believe I'm heading back home? My scouts graduate today, and it's beautiful out here. Beautiful enough to wear my hair in a blowout, but…

This shuttle scenario will leave me in a horrific position of sorts. I know people wanna see me, and I wanna see them, but…

Heero: So instead of taking your chances, and instead of communicating with those who need to know what's happening, you turn back. Why?

Because, what's the use?

Heero: Those kids would've loved to see you at their graduation. Even their parents! You know how much people like having you there.

I chose the wrong career, Heero. Unlike you.

Heero: No you didn't. Nothing you chose was the wrong thing.

Quatre: In other words, we get it. The market sucks due to an impending recession and major cuts, depending on how Canada votes in a few months. But you don't give up due to a random mishap.

Pfft.

Heero: "Pfffffft" will not help you.

Shut up!

Trowa: He has a point, you know.

Quatre: Okay, I have a better idea. Since you're not attending graduation anymore, though I strongly prefer you did, get in the house, change clothes and take a stroll in the park.

A stroll in the park? How will that help?

Quatre: It will calm your nerves and mind.

Well, okay. I can always do that. As long as I don't get caught.

Quatre: ???🤔

Trowa: ????🧐

Heero: Who's watching you?

The world. Duh.

Heero: Then go and conquer it! Who cares if you need a breather, or something along those lines? Everyone has their own lives to worry about. You should stay focused on yours.

Nah, I'll hit the bed.

Quatre: You don't need anymore sleep.

I kinda do. That's the only place I can redeem myself.

Quatre: (to the others) We need to do something.

Trowa: Did she just lose her inspiration to live a little?

Quatre: I'm afraid so.

Heero: Let's give her nightmares.

Quatre: But that won't-

Heero: It will work. At least it'll force her to find better ways to spend her day.

Trowa: The past few days have been horrible.

Heero: And today is even better, possibly the best day of the week. No dramatic weather in sight.

Quatre: So how do we get her out of there?

Heero: Nightmares.

Quatre: Really? That's all you can come up with?

Heero: I strongly prefer she enjoys the sunshine, and every other beautiful thing nature has to offer.

Duo: Life sucks, man. Everything sucks.

Wufei: Agreed. Who runs this country anyway?

Zechs: Your parents. Now go outside and play.

*The others glare at Zechs, yet he doesn't flinch.*

Zechs: You know I'm right. Stop worrying about crap and enjoy yourselves.

Duo: ☹️

Wufei: 😣

Trowa: They're not happy either. What's wrong with them?

Heero: They've been TB's leading muses for the past three weeks. Three excruciating weeks, because life changed and all they do *gestures Duo and Wufei* is fight, cry, then revert back to what you're witnessing right now when she's not working on any scenes.

Trowa: Okay so, what should we do?

Heero: You follow my lead.

Zechs: I'll make some lemonade. It's hot enough for one.

Quatre: Wait, that was my job.

Zechs: Not anymore. You go keep the others in check. *Leaves the scene*

Quatre: It's hard enough dealing with unhappy people as it is.

Duo: But, you do realize the world sucks, right? Have you missed the News? I don't know if being called an American is something to be proud of anymore, due to-

Quatre: Yes, the world is going through a lot but there's not much we can do about it. Except start small. We can use the computer inside that room and research charities and organisations that are helping those parts every way possible.

Duo: Okay, so what do you think about those abortion laws? Most women don't know they're pregnant until six weeks. And guess who voted for that bull? Mostly men. Men who don't have a uterus. Though I'd hope they swap one day and live the reality for nine months straight…

Quatre: I get it. Being American is nothing to be ashamed of. It's just, people wanted what they wanted so they voted for whomever represents their views.

Duo: Right… Then what will become of babies and kids who are forced to grow up in the streets, with no access to warmth, like I did?

Wufei: *groans and rolls eyes*

Quatre: What's wrong?

Wufei: I hate this place. Hate the fact that healthcare, education and the job market are falling off-course. If we didn't send our Gundams to the Sun, I would've sent those stupid higher-ups a warning.

Duo: That's not even, Wufei. Not a fair battle if you ask me.

Wufei: There's no fair or unfair in battle! Teach those idiots a lesson! Then the world wouldn't be as messed up as it is right now.

Quatre: I suspect your problem stems from a variety of factors… the political, civil unrest in China. Injustice of all kinds against marginalized groups. And you feel powerless without your Gundam.

Wufei: Pfft.

Quatre: I understand your anger, but the Gundams weren't sent to the sun. We decimated them, remember? Anyways, I don't think it's wise for us to take on too much burden with things we can't control.

Duo: We've saved the world twice before, so what do you suggest?

Heero: Open all windows.

Trowa: Let in some air.

Heero: Make fun of clowns.

Trowa: Like you just don't care.

Heero: Except Trowa and the circus he works at.

Trowa: Thank-you.

*Quatre smiles while the others share a look*

Heero: We're getting you guys out of here, okay?

Duo: But-

Trowa: No buts. We're going to the park.

Wufei: It's a boring park. No place to meditate.

Heero: Never make assumptions.

Duo and Wufei: 😡

Quatre: I have everything packed already. Let's go!

*Duo and Wufei won't budge*

Heero: *tosses car keys to Quatre* We'll catch up. *Picks up Wufei and carries him out the door*

Trowa: *Does the same with Duo*

Zechs: Lemon-

...

Zechs: Hmph. Looks like they're gone for now. *Calls the ladies*

~A few hours later~

Noin: I love this!

Sally: We should have an encore.

Une: Same here.

Zechs: What good dream should we give her next?

Sally: No more. We're running the show now. Let's make her write.

Une: My thoughts exactly.

Noin: I agree. Clear her mind so she can function at the Business Extravaganza tomorrow.

Sally: Let's make a toast to better days ahead.

Relena: Better days.

Dorothy: Better days for all the ladies.

Hilde: Better days!

Zechs: Wait, Dorothy-

Dorothy: *to Zechs* No uterus. No opinion.

Noin: More lemonade, anyone?

Relena: Over here!

Sally: I brought ice cream as well.

*Door bell rings*

Cathy: Chocolates and pineapples coming through!

Zechs: Okay, so can I-

Sally: No uterus, no opinion.

Sylvia: I never knew this place would get lit.

Hilde: Told you so! *Winks*

Relena: We should store them somewhere safe.

Zechs: I'll handle-

Une & Cathy: No uterus, no opinion.

Zechs: 'What did I get myself into?'

Sylvia: I've brought some card games if anyone wants to play.

Hilde: I'm in!

Relena: I'm in!

Dorothy: I'm in!

Cathy: Chick flicks after this!

Zechs: I need the boys to come back so-

Noin: Zechs-y baby... No uterus, no opinion. It's ladies time out here!

Zechs: 🤐

Noin: 🤭

[rosesloveletters]

Roseeee ~ 🥰💞

As I sit here watching a horror film (not a very good one; either. I've never seen it before but it's an hour in and I'm bored), I'm really struggling for words because I don't quite... know how to articulate how I feel about you. There's so much to say, so much I want to say, but as I read it back, none of it feels like it's enough. I'm going to try because you deserve nothing but the best of everything.🥺💜

I suppose the most important thing to say is... thank you, darling. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For everything. For being you, mostly. You're just... incredible. You're so creative, raw in your emotions, passionate, intelligent, wise, hard-working, determined, and the way you always make things work for yourself is just incredible. You've done so much this year and every time something has happened, bad or otherwise, you've taken the challenge and done your best. Your growth as a person in just the time I've known you is truly amazing and I'm just in awe of you.

Every single day, you push me and inspire me just by being you to work harder, try more, be kinder, do better and I know I fall short sometimes (at least to my own way of thinking, though you might disagree) but every day I keep you close to me. I think of you often and not an hour goes by where I'm not thinking, Rose is probably up by now or I hope Rose is okay or I wonder if Rose is sleeping well? and you're just such a strong presence in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you, honestly. You keep me fighting, darling.

So, thank you for being you.

I can't sleep without the fawn nightlight. I will wake up if I have to use my overhead fairy lights and I won't sleep as well and it's definitely a case of disturbed rest, so I always charge up the fawn nightlight as soon as I wake up (or whenever Vinny reminds me ~ he's sweet, really.🥺) and when I lay in bed at night, it's like candlelight and it makes me feel so safe, warm and cosy. Not just because of the atmosphere it gives my bedroom, but also because it's like... you're with me in the dark. You're there, watching over me, casting light over the shadows so I can sleep and looking after me. I love the nightlight so much, it's beautiful, but when it's turned on and I'm wrapped up in the blanket, it's like having a hug from you irl and please I beg🥺🙏. I love you so so so so much darling, you're with me every day and you take such good care of me and I hope that I can do the same for you.

You deserve nothing but the very, very best of all things in life and I'm just infinitely proud of you and the person you are. You're so much more than you know and if there's ever anything I can do, then please don't be shy!!!! I'm here for you no matter what, and I love you lots!!!💞 I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of cuddles, strength and good vibes, darling! Thank you for being you, for being like a sister to me, and for doing everything that you do. This world wouldn't be what it is without you.

I wouldn't be who I am without you.🌸💗

Oh, Erika🥺💞💞

I was not expecting to receive such a beautiful little love note in my ask box and my heart just did a little '!!!' when I saw I had received something from you, because I knew whatever it was would just be so beautiful and full of love. I can always count on you when I need a little extra love and care.

I don't know how else to properly address everything in this note without dissecting it paragraph by paragraph, like I do with our written pieces (you wrote me a whole book, holy shit how did I get so lucky to have a friend as amazing as you?🥺) I don't want to let any of this slip through my fingers; I'm still reeling from how unexpected and lovely this is. I love you, darling, you are so very dear to my heart.

under a cut: (it's a lengthy response)

As I sit here watching a horror film (not a very good one; either. I've never seen it before but it's an hour in and I'm bored), I'm really struggling for words because I don't quite... know how to articulate how I feel about you. There's so much to say, so much I want to say, but as I read it back, none of it feels like it's enough. I'm going to try because you deserve nothing but the best of everything.🥺💜

Oh my goodness, I know you love horror films, so for you to say that it isn't very good must mean that it seriously is not good because you know the best ones💛 I always feel the very same way about you, darling. I could go on and on, but it never feels like it's enough. How does one write down all the ways in which one loves another, when love is so strong of an emotion it is often difficult to bear? You've seen me at my very best and at my very worst and not once have you ever made me feel as if you would want to be anywhere other than by my side. I know I can rely on you from the countless times which you've been there for me. You've chosen me and my friendship (even in situations I still feel guilty for you ever having to be placed in) and I cannot think of enough proper ways to thank you for it. You always tell me in perfect written word how you feel about me, so please know that you don't have to try extra hard or anything. You've already shown me how you feel and that it what is most important to me. You deserve the best as well, darling, always.

I suppose the most important thing to say is... thank you, darling. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For everything. For being you, mostly. You're just... incredible. You're so creative, raw in your emotions, passionate, intelligent, wise, hard-working, determined, and the way you always make things work for yourself is just incredible. You've done so much this year and every time something has happened, bad or otherwise, you've taken the challenge and done your best. Your growth as a person in just the time I've known you is truly amazing and I'm just in awe of you.

I am honored by your words, darling🥺 You never have to thank me for being a friend to you, I am honored to be anything you need me to be. It is my pleasure to do for you what you have always done for me and given to me. This year has been a horrible mental-health year, (gotta have them occasionally, I guess) but you have stood by me and been my shoulder to lean on whenever I needed it and I cannot give enough thanks and show enough appreciation to you for that. You've challenged yourself in so many ways this year, from taking on a second degree and then searching for a new job!! I am so proud of you and happy that I have gotten to be there to support you throughout all of these changes and new times. You are strong, capable, intelligent, brave, extremely hard-working and you can persevere through anything which life may choose to throw in your direction. It means everything to me that you feel the same about me. You've done so much this year and I cannot wait to see what else you will accomplish before the year is over.

Every single day, you push me and inspire me just by being you to work harder, try more, be kinder, do better and I know I fall short sometimes (at least to my own way of thinking, though you might disagree) but every day I keep you close to me. I think of you often and not an hour goes by where I'm not thinking, Rose is probably up by now or I hope Rose is okay or I wonder if Rose is sleeping well? and you're just such a strong presence in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you, honestly. You keep me fighting, darling.

So, thank you for being you.

Darling, I say this with the most tender kindness, but you could never fall short of any of these things, even if you tried. You are naturally such a kind and thoughtful soul and I find myself envying the ways in which you are kind in light of situations or people I never could show kindness to. You are the type of person I strive to be every single day and I know I am not quite there yet, but we learn best by watching others who are already there. Your empathy is one of your strongest traits and I am so inspired by you, all of you.

I think of you often as well. I'll find myself checking the time and counting the hours our time zones are apart, just to know what time it is where you are. I always think of you and hope you're having good, happy days, since I cannot be there to make certain that you are. All I can do is hope for the best for you. I do not know what I would do without you either; you've become so ingrained in my daily life and I never take a second of our interactions for granted. I am so lucky and thankful for a friend like you💛 Thank you for being the best friend I've always wanted💛💛 You're more of the sister that I never had💛

I can't sleep without the fawn nightlight. I will wake up if I have to use my overhead fairy lights and I won't sleep as well and it's definitely a case of disturbed rest, so I always charge up the fawn nightlight as soon as I wake up (or whenever Vinny reminds me ~ he's sweet, really.🥺) and when I lay in bed at night, it's like candlelight and it makes me feel so safe, warm and cosy. Not just because of the atmosphere it gives my bedroom, but also because it's like... you're with me in the dark. You're there, watching over me, casting light over the shadows so I can sleep and looking after me. I love the nightlight so much, it's beautiful, but when it's turned on and I'm wrapped up in the blanket, it's like having a hug from you irl and please I beg🥺🙏. I love you so so so so much darling, you're with me every day and you take such good care of me and I hope that I can do the same for you.

I still get so ecstatic that you love the nightlight I bought for you🥺 I was so worried you wouldn't like it or wouldn't be able to use it for some reason, but I get so excited and happy every time you tell me how much you use it and it makes me so so happy I found it. It just made me think of you when I saw it and I knew you had to have it💛 (Vinny is so sweet to remind you to charge it, he's incredibly thoughtful🥺) I think this is so incredibly sweet and lovely, I am so happy you love the blanket as well and that the nightlight helps you sleep this much🥺🥺 I feel the same way about the gifts you got me, darling. My little J plushie sits on my shelf and whenever I look at him or take him down for a hug, I feel like, in a way, I am hugging you because you've also held him🥺🥺 I would give all I have for a hug from you. I love you as well, honey, with all my heart. You take care of me as well and I always feel so very safe with you💛

You deserve nothing but the very, very best of all things in life and I'm just infinitely proud of you and the person you are. You're so much more than you know and if there's ever anything I can do, then please don't be shy!!!! I'm here for you no matter what, and I love you lots!!!💞 I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of cuddles, strength and good vibes, darling! Thank you for being you, for being like a sister to me, and for doing everything that you do. This world wouldn't be what it is without you.

I wouldn't be who I am without you.🌸💗

I am proud of you too, darling, infinitely proud of you and all you have accomplished and achieved in life. You do so much for me (I mean, you wrote me this letter, so I consider myself pretty lucky to be so loved by you) and I could only hope to do just as much for you. I love you so much, darling, I am always always here for you too. I'm always thinking of you and wishing you the very best, because you deserve nothing less. Thank you for all that you have ever done for me, but thank you for just existing. Thank you for being a real person out there who loves me in ways I've only ever dreamed of. You've changed my life for the better. I won't ever be the same now that I know you and it means so very much to me that you think so positively of me. Thank you for this amazingly sweet note and thank you for being a part of my life.

I love you more than words can say🥰🥰

[pbandjesse]

I am sitting in my chair at my parent's house. It's nice to be here. I am tired but not horribly. Today was ba nice day even if I was sad to leave the beach.

I again had trouble sleeping. I woke up before Jess. After staying up way to late, so that was frustrating. But I felt okay. I got dressed. And she got up not long after that and we headed to breakfast.

Had breakfast issues. They were out of a bunch of stuff. But we got bagels and it was nice out. We went to thr boardwalk to get ice tea. There were issues there too!! But we got our drinks and headed back to the condo.

We had to pack Jess's stuff up and we only had like 20 minute til check out. Which stressed me out but Jess was real quick and we headed out.

We drove over to the bay to take pictures. But sadly none of them came out. It was just to bright for the instax, and we didnt take phone pics. A little sad but its okay.

We had a long drive back to bucks county. When we were going through the pine barrens where we started seeing smoke. As we got closer we saw fire. A car was burning on the side of the road. It was very scary. But no ambulances so I'm hoping no one was hurt.

We rolled up to my parents around 130. It was really nice to see my mom snd the dogs. I gave Jess a hug and she left.

Today was mostly talking. Catching up. Mom and me went to get wawa and the bread has improved so much! Excellent. And then dad came home and we all hung out until mom went to lay down. Then my brother was here. And we talked about CCA where i went to school and cult behavior and how I've been feeling lately. It was good to talk to them. And be validated by brother's experiences too.

Steve left. And I went to unpack my bag and find some better ways to move things back to Baltimore. Ill do more of that tomorrow. I watches videos and chilled for a while. Played with the dogs.

I tried to take a bath and i discovered there had been a leak and the tub lining had filled with water. Scary and gross. Hopefully it doesnt cost my parents to much to fix.

Im jsut chilling in my room now. Watching videos. But mostly I am excited to sleep.

Tomorrow im hoping for a chill day. Might have brunch with my dad. I hopw to go lay on the hammock and read my book. Just rest. Cause my feet hurt still.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Be safe out there.

[pbandjesse]

I'm really tired. Everyone was very surprised I came to work today was how badly injured I am. Honestly I probably could have stayed home but it's not like I didn't have a good time at work. It was a really good day. I am tired.

I slept good last night. I woke up once but I wasn't as freaked out and sleeping with the eye mask on definitely helps. I got up with my alarm at 7:30 and got dressed and felt very cute. I love my outfit today. It was only like 75 degrees out so I actually could wear sleeves and that was nice. It also helped protect my arm a little bit. The one. My elbow is pretty raw. And it hurts to bend and pick up stuff but we survived.

I had waffles for breakfast and then I headed to work. Kenneth set up tables and I unfold a chair since I couldn't pick anything up really. Honestly doing the chairs kind of hurt my arm but I was okay. The Cannery was fun but we had a big stressful moment because the person who was supposed to be doing the printmaking was an hour late. So nothing was set up and we didn't realize until right as the kids were getting there and I really shouldn't have moving to process so I had to do my best but then I got upset because I was in pain and I yelled down and somebody had to come up and do it because I was just so frustrated.

The Cannery went good. The kids were really sweet. And I stumble on my words a few times during The Company Store but mostly it was very good.

I got a half hour break. I eat my rice and chilled. And then I gave my door. There was a little bit of a problem because we ran into the neighborhood tour but it all worked out. Again I had some trouble talking because are being distracted and being in pain but at the end of the parent on my tour said that she liked it a lot and then I did a really great job and she just kept telling me how nice it was. I love giving Forest there. Just good because I have two in a row tomorrow.

I left there at 12:30 and just missed the bus as I was coming up the hill. A sweet old man was sitting on the bench and he told me he was mostly blind and asked if I could tell him when the 80 bus came. And I said of course and we talked about how nice the weather was and then his bus came. And thankfully mine came just a couple minutes after. I was texting chelsi that would be late and she told me I shouldn't even come because she was worried about me. But honestly I wanted to go see the school nurse. I don't know when you need to go to the doctor. I feel like no one ever taught me that and I just feel like I'm bothering people or it's a waste of time. When I was a kid we never went to the doctor unless we were dying. My dad didn't go until after he was done having shingles. I don't have good references for this. So I got to school and I went to the school nurse and she told me that it looks bad but it's going to keep spreading. But the blood vessels are going to spread out and then lighten. She said if it gets really bad in the next couple days like it swells up or I get a hard knot somewhere else on my leg that I should be concerned and then go to the doctor. But she said that it doesn't look that bad All Things Considered. She said it looks bad. And everyone else agreed. Because all day and that's all I had to hear. I told the story what happened like 75 times today. But I was good.

I picked up the kids and I got lots of hugs which is really what I wanted today. I was talking to Marcus and joking about that. Everyone kept saying that they would have stayed home if they were made but for real what was I going to do. Lay here and be sad. I'd rather be at work and be safe. We spend the kids will come and give me hugs and that's always nice.

We made mosaics today. Every day this week, which is just tomorrow and Wednesday, will introduce a different project that the kids have requested. So it was nice to be able to kind of come together and have options and tomorrow add more options to the board of what they can make and it's just going to be good.

We had a nice time at recess and dinner was fine. There was some conflict with one of the staff members because she thought we were taking up too many tables and kept trying to tell her this is where we always sit and she disagreed with us and I just didn't even get into it with her I'd let Chelsea handle it. I just couldn't deal with that today.

But art was really fun and I was very proud of the kids. And it was a fairly quick day. At the end of the day I ended up staying behind because one of my students parents was just really concerned. She was really worried about how they're communication is with her daughter and she doesn't know what to do. Apparently they live in a neighborhood where the girl can sleep through anything until there's gunshots. And then she freaks out and can't sleep. I don't blame her. But she doesn't feel like they can talk to each other. So I suggested they do a mommy and me Journal where they can talk to each other through that. Where it's a judgement free zone and they can get things out. Maybe it'll help. I felt really bad and I wish there was something I could have done more for them. I really like the girl. But I understand where mother is coming from and it's really hard. For everybody.

When I got outside I had to run for the bus. But he didn't make me pay for it so that was cool. And then I got back to my bike and went up to James's place.

He made me a pizza bagel. And we hung out until all of the D&D people got there. First time in almost three months! It's been too long since I've seen all of them. But it was nice to be around other people for a bit. I got to try fancy Japanese Kit Kats because one of them had just gotten back from Japan. It was really fun.

As their game got started though I headed out. Said goodbye to everyone. Tentatively told Jordan that we may still be able to go to his birthday. But I'm not sure if we're going back to Philly for Father's Day and now so who knows what's going on there. And then I came back home.

Where I became crazy angry because again the new people next door locked the back gate. So I couldn't get into my Ally. So I couldn't get into my apartment. I had to go all the way around the block to the front drag my bike in through the door where it does not fit. And go back into my apartment. I went outside and I kicked the fuck out of that gate. I broke that lock right off which is what I told them I was going to do. I gave them a warning that if they locked me out of my apartment again I would remove the lock and I was serious. If they do it again I will remove the door. I cannot wait to not live in this apartment anymore because those people next door have ruined it for me. Besides any issue I had in this apartment as soon as they moved and they have made everything around here miserable. They put trash in the alleyway they let their dog shit everywhere and they lock me out of the place I live. They do not own that public shared space. And it is ridiculous that I have to continue to ask not to be locked out. I told them to put on a type of gate where you can open it from both sides they didn't listen. I had my dad fix the gate so that it would stay closed when that broke I fixed it. And then when it broke again their maintenance people fixed it and out of the second one that broke her most immediately. The spring is still whole and that should be good enough. If it is not you guys can then put on a different piece I am not fixing it again. It is so crazy to me that they think that they can lock that gate when I live here. They know they're not the only ones that can get through that gate and it is insanity. I will not put up with it anymore.

But after I did that I calm down. They will not lock me out again so there's that. So I felt better. I brought Sweet Pea inside and I went and took a shower. My new dress came that I got on eBay it fits me great and I feel super cute in it. And basically the rest of my day has been great. I'm very sleepy. I'm going to go have a snack and then I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed. I have double doors tomorrow and then teaching at the school. I think it's going to be an excellent day. James has his second interview and I'm very excited for him. I hate that it's on the phone for him because that sounds horrible but I hope that it goes well. He's such a good boy and he deserves to get this job. And I hope you all have a great night tonight. Sleep well everyone. Be safe out there.