#I'm not your therapist I'm not your shitty shoulder to cry on I'm not your manic pixie dream nerd I'm not your white mommy I'm NOT

[dragonlights]

Me: hey mom can you not make your anxieties my problem? I'll encourage you to talk to others and help you reach out however you want, but I can't be the one to help you, it stresses me out and given my childhood it's upsetting.

Mom: doesn't stop, keeps going "what if this happens, what if that happens?"

Me: answers her questions and says "I don't know though, that's just in the hypothetical you came up with" *leaves bc I'm stressed out about having to deal with her anxieties Again*

Mom: keeps! Going! Even when I turn up the TV to drown her out!

Me: can you please stop, it's really upsetting when you violate my boundaries like that.

Mom: what? I was not!

Me: you were! You were yelling so that i-

Mom: I wasn't yelling! You were just across the house so I wanted to make sure you could hear me.

Me: yeah! And you were talking about your anxieties! That I've asked you to not talk about with me!

Mom: I wasn't making it you deal with my anxieties! I'm just loud.

Me: reminds her that she JUST said she was raising her voice so I could hear her while she was talking about her anxieties.

Mom: *babbles in backtracking*

[kpop---scenarios]

Dark Book Series (2) - Say You Love Me

Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x Reader

Warning: Yandere Content, Murder, Mentions of Blood, Stalking etc

Word Count: 4.5k

Taglist: @velvetmoonlght @skittlez-area512 @skzdust @gnabnahcsworld @onlyhyunjin @stephanieeeyang @lostasoulinthedarkness @imperfectlyperfectprincess1 @iam-wh0 @skzooluvr @queen-in-the-shadows

@ayyonoona

Felix | Hyunjin | Lee Know | Seungmin | Chan | Changbin | Jeongin | Jisung

“How are things today, Y/N?” Hyunjin asks. You stare down at your twiddling fingers, trying to hold in your tears before you speak. You hated crying in front of your therapist, but lately that seems to be all you ever do, and honestly Hyunjin seemed to be used to it by now. All your sessions seemed to involve you crying over your boyfriend.

“Y/N?” He asks, leaning slightly forward.

You look up, one tear rolling down your cheek. “I'm sorry.” You whisper. “Things are worse…at home. With Jackson. The past week, he's just been ignoring me, straight up walking out of the room if I walk in. Away from me if I try to talk tk him. No matter what I do.” You sigh.

“Mhm, prolonged silent treatment. That is a form of emotional abuse, you know.” Hyunjin murmurs, writing down on his notepad.

“And I honestly don't even know what I did to be given the silent treatment. He won't tell me. But on the brightside, I guess it's better than him screaming at me all day.” You sigh.

“Does he usually? Scream at you, I mean.” Hyunjin asks.

You shrug your shoulders. “Sometimes. If he's had a bad day at work. If I didn't clean the right way, or enough. If I say the wrong thing, or I talk out of turn. If a guy looks at me, talks to me…” You trail off.

“Does he know you see me?” He asks.

“He knows I see someone. If you're asking if he knows you're a man, then no he doesn't. I figured it was an unnecessary fight. I've been through a lot of therapists, and you're the best that I've been too.” You smile.

Hyunjin grins at your words, inside he's bursting with joy. “You know, Y/N. You are allowed to leave that relationship.” He tells you. “In fact, I would insist you do. Your mental health would improve exponentially.”

“I've thought about it. But I don't want to be alone.” You sigh.

You'll never be alone. Not as long as I'm around.

“Sometimes being alone is what heals the heart, and the head.” Hyunjin smiles. “You're stronger than you think.”

“I don't know if I am. What if I never find anyone else?” You groan. “Jackson says he loves me, when he talks to me. And that he does these things to make sure I'm the best version of myself.”

“Do you feel like what he does makes you the best version?” He asks. I can guarantee you don't.

“I feel like I'm losing myself piece by piece everyday.” You whisper.

I can help you heal. I can fix you. All you need is me.

“You need to leave, Y/N. It is in your best interest.” Hyunjin sighs, closing his notebook. “Unfortunately that's all the time we have for today. But I want to see you again in a few days to see where things are at home. Okay? I have Friday at 2pm, 4:30,pm, and 6pm.”

“Yeah, yeah sure.” You sniffle, wiping away your tears. “Let's do 2pm. I'm off work early on fridays.” You say.

I know.

“Friday at two. Okay, I have you down. You've got this, Y/N.” Hyunjin smiles as he watches you stand up, forcing a smile. He wished you weren't leaving to go home to your shitty boyfriend. He watches out the window from his office as you walk down the steps, grabbing his jacket and locking the door to the room he rents inside the building.

Hyunjin keeps a good distance behind you to ensure that you don't notice him behind you. He doesn't need to follow you to find out where you live, he already knows. He just likes to make sure you make it home safely. He's there to protect you, because that's what you need. You need someone to save you, and lucky for you, he was that person.

He smiles as he watches you checking the mailbox in the yard of your little house. He loved the house, but he hated the other occupant that lived there. You had been with Jackson for 3 years, only living together for one, so far but he hoped that it wouldn't be that much longer. The way your sessions were going, and the words Hyunjin was speaking, he was sure you'd leave Jackson in a few months. A couple more sessions, you'd be fully aware of how wrong Jackson was for you, and maybe realize how right Hyunjin was for you.

As you walk in the front door, he wanders around the side of the house, peering in the window to the kitchen and living room. He watches you setting your bag down on the table while Jackson walks into the room. He mutters some words, holding his arms out for a hug, and you nestle right into him. Hyunjin can see you melting into the hug, relishing in the fact that Jackson is now speaking to you again, and now giving you physical touch.

It makes Hyunjin sick.

After an hour, he can't take it anymore. He can't stand to watch you laugh and touch him, while Hyunjin knows it's only a matter of time before you're back in his office, crying because Jackson did something again.

When Friday finally rolled around, Hyunjin made his way to his office around 1:30pm, he sat behind the desk that came with the room as he thought about the first time he had ever seen you, which was now almost two years ago to the date.

**

“Yeah, no, I'll call to set up another appointment.” You say to the receptionist at the therapist's office. He could see the disappointment that was plastered all over your face, the second you walked out of Dr. Parks office. He wasn't surprised, Dr. Park wasn't the best in the business, but Hyunjin could be. Was he a licensed therapist? No. But could he be? Absolutely. He walks over to you, ignoring his name being called to go speak with Dr. Park, and stands by you at the elevator.

“Excuse me.” He smiles. “I couldn't help but notice the disappointment on your face after your session. I'm Dr. Hwang.” He says, holding out his hand. “and I'd love to meet and see if we'd be the right fit?” He smiles.

“Hi. Oh, um sure. Yeah, that'd be great. Dr. Park is good, he's just… um…” you pause.

“He's a friend, but I completely understand what you mean.” Hyunjin laughs. He pats his pockets before looking up at you. “Shoot, I was going to give you a card but it doesn't seem like I have any on me.” He sighs. “If you call me, I can get you in. Do you want to take my number?”

“Yes, please.” You say, pulling out your phone.

“Okay, it's….”

“Thank you so much.” You smile, stepping onto the elevator, slipping your phone back in your pocket. Hyunjin steps on the elevator with you, pretending like he was leaving just like you, and that's the day he had first followed you home. It took him time to find out information about you. He had, too. He had no choice. You didn't call for months. But when you finally did call, he was able to be the perfect therapist for you, as well as the perfect man for you.

**

Hyunjin is brought out of his thoughts, hearing the knocking at the door. “Come in!” He yells, putting his phone to his ear. “I promise, it'll all be okay.” He says, to no one. “I'll see you at your session on Monday, okay?” He says, waving you in, pointing to the couch. “Okay, yes, see you Monday.” He finishes, pretending to hang up the phone.

“Good afternoon, Y/N.” He smiles, opening his notebook.

“Good afternoon!” You say, in a better mood than when you were here a few days ago.

“You seem to be happy.” Hyunjin states, clearing his throat.

“I am! Jackson apologized the evening that I went home on Wednesday.” You sigh. “And since then, everything has been great!”

Hyunjin can feel the rage burning inside of him. “Well, it's only been two days, I wouldn't get your hopes up that things are changing, if I were you.” He says.

You raise your eyebrow at him.

“I just mean, narcissists, emotional abusers, who eventually turn into physical ones, don't change at a snap of a finger. This is a classic manipulation tactic, and he will turn in a split second. I just need you to be prepared.” Hyunjin explains.

“Oh.” You smile. He could tell his words had upset you, and while he didn't want to see you sad, you needed to know that Jackson wasn't going to change, and he'd be irrationally angry at her again, for something she did or didn't do.

“Do you two have plans for the weekend?” Hyunjin asks.

“Jackson wants to go out tomorrow.” You tell him.

Mhm, let me guess, to the club.

“He wants to go to the club with his friends.”

“Are you going to be joining him? It might be good for the two of you to get out together.” Hyunjin suggests.

“I asked if I could. But he said it was a boys' night.”

“Why not have a girls night?” He asks.

I'd love to run into you at the club. Take you home with me, where you'd be safe from him.

“You know what…” You pause, smiling. “That's a good idea. I wanna go to the club and get drunk too.”

“There you go. That's a plan.” Hyunjin laughs.

“Thank you, Dr. Hwang.” You smile. “I'm gonna go plan it now!”

“I told you, Y/N, call me Hyunjin. I hope you have a great time. I'll see you on Monday, at 6pm.” He laughs. The smile you had on your face was etched into his head. Fuck, he couldn't wait to see you on Saturday, even if you didn't know he was there.

**

Saturday night, Hyunjin makes his way to the club, later than anticipated but he was on the way to you regardless. He gets inside the building, the smell of sweat and alcohol surrounded him as he weaves through all the people grinding and drinking who were scattered around. His eyes are scanning the entire place, looking for one person in particular.

And when he finally spots that person, his heart flutters.

You look radiant, wearing your tight black dress, your hair and make up done. You were laughing as you danced with a friend, your own eyes scanning the bar, biting your lip as you looked for someone. Hyunjin sits in a booth, far enough away that you won't see him, but close enough that he can see you. He watches you take shot after shot, enjoying your night out. He enjoyed the fact that Jackson wasn't hovering around you, but it also pissed him off. You were currently in such a vulnerable state, anyone could take you away from him. In a split second things can change, and Hyunjin desperately wants to be that change. He wants to take you away from all the bad things in the world, especially Jackson.

He slowly sips his drink as he watches you stumbling around the dance floor. Jackson walks up to you, looking less than impressed by you. Hyunjin can see Jackson yelling at you as you sway, trying to pay attention but struggling. You look so unaffected by Jackson’s words, it was almost like you had just blocked him out instead of listening to him. He tells you to fuck off, before storming off, leaving you there alone.

Now. This was Hyunjin's chance. He finishes his drink, casually walking up to you, ignoring the many attempts of other women trying to get his attention. He was happily taken by you and would never stray.

“Y/N?” He whispers into your ear from behind you.

You spin around, trying to focus your eyes.

“Hyunjin?” You ask, squinting, moving your face closer to his.

“Hi.” He laughs. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fuuucking grand.” You slur, tripping over nothing.

“Woah, there.” Hyunjin laughs, grabbing onto you.

Your skin is so soft. So beautiful.

“Should I take you home?” He asks.

“N-no… my friend… is right there.” You hiccup, pointing behind Hyunjin. He glances behind him, seeing an angry looking girl coming towards them.

You turn around, waving to your friend. “Hey!” When you turn around again, Hyunjin is gone. “He…was just…here?” You mumble, completely forgetting you had seen him, moving on with your night.

**

“So, Y/N.” Hyunjin starts, just after you sit down on the couch across from him. “How was your girls' night?” He asks.

“It was a lot of fun! We ended up mixing our girls night with the guys night. It was a great time.” You smile.

“So no issues between you and Jackson, then?” He asks. He was confused. He saw Jackson yelling at you. There was no way the two of you were fine.

“I mean, there was a small one…” You trail off. “He got mad at me for drinking too much. In his words, I was blacked out.” You sigh. “I don't think I did. I remember everything.” You say, shrugging your shoulders. “Speaking of remembering, were you there?” You whisper.

“Where?” Hyunjin asks, acting surprised. “At the club?”

You nod your head, biting your lip.

You're making me want to take you right on this couch. Stop teasing me, Y/N.

“No, No.” He laughs. “The club isn't so much my scene.”

“I swear I thought you were.” You laugh. “Maybe I was drunk.” You whisper.

“So are things tense between you and Jackson?” He asks.

You shake your head. “Oh no. We actually worked It out quite maturely.” You grin. “No yelling, no name calling. It was different. But it was so nice.”

“Well, that's great.” Hyunjin mumbles. He was annoyed now. He needed to keep planting the seed of you leaving him into your head, how the fuck is he supposed to do that if the two of you are getting along?

Hyunjin glances at his phone, letting out a frustrated sigh.

“Everything okay?” You ask him.

“Uh, yeah. Just another patient. Do you mind if we end the session a few minutes early? I'm very sorry. She's very troubled.” Hyunjin explains.

“No problem! I'll see you on Wednesday.” You smile.

Yes, yes you will.

He watches you leave the room, closing the door behind you. He swipes the call on his phone, answering it. “What?” He snaps. “I told you never to bother me, Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings.” He spits.

“I know babe, I'm sorry.” His girlfriend whispers. “I just wanted to ask if you were going to be home for dinner.” She murmurs.

“Yeah, I'll be there soon. Just have to make a call. Sorry.” He sighs, hanging up the phone. He liked his girlfriend, sort of. She was someone who reminded him of you. That's the only reason he was with her. She was the closest version of you he could find, until he can have the real thing.

You.

Hyunjin opens his notebook that he uses for sessions that happened to be only filled with information about you. He flips to the page he needs, pulling out his phone to dial a number.

“Hello?” A voice on the other end answers.

“Hey… um is Y/N there?” Hyunjin asks.

“What?” The voice asks. “Who is this?”

“My name is, um, Paul. I met Y/N at the club on Saturday. I must have misdialed the number. My apologies.” Hyunjin says, a giant smile plastered on his face.

“Are you talking about L/N Y/N?” The person asks.

“Yeah? Who is this?” Hyunjin asks, matching the same concerned tone of voice.

“I'm her fucking boyfriend. Or I was.�� He snaps, hanging up the phone.

Hyunjin slides the phone into his pocket before he gathers his belongings, heading home to someone like you.

One day it will be you.

On his way home that night, Hyunjin took a small detour to your house. He just wanted to see if his plan to bring you and Jackson further apart was working. He crept around the front of the house, going to one of his two usual windows. He peers in the living room and kitchen window, seeing Jackson screaming at you as you cry, trying to calm him down. He wouldn't even let you touch him. Hyunjin would never do that to you. He would never make you cry like that.

When Wednesday finally rolled around, Hyunjin was like a child waiting for Christmas. He was anxiously waiting for you to come into his office and tell him about the last few days. He had a very good feeling he knew what you were gonna say, but he needed to hear the words come out of your mouth. His eyes were glued to the doorknob, waiting for it to turn. And when it does, he puts on his professional face, waiting for you to come in. And when you do, you look distraught. Your face was red and puffy from crying, your lips were quivering as you shuffled towards the couch. Sitting down without saying a word.

“What's wrong, Y/N?” He asks.

Come on, Y/N, say it.

“It's just… I… um… oh god.” You sniffle.

Come on, baby.

“Take your time. Take a breath.” Hyunjin urges.

“I think… I'm going to break up with Jackson.” You whisper.

That's a good girl.

“Oh?” He says, acting surprised. “I thought things were okay with you both?”

“They were. But then he started accusing me of cheating on him!” You yell. “He said he got a call from some guy named Paul! I've never even met any Paul's in my life!”

“I'm so sorry, Y/N.” Hyunjin sighs. “You know, often when a partner accuses his or her spouse of cheating, they're projecting onto them what they're actually doing.”

“You think Jackson is cheating on me?” You cry.

“I'm sorry to say, it sounds like it.” Hyunjin tells you.

“Yeah I think I'm done. He's been so mean to me the last few days. I'm just heartbroken.

I'm not.

“I think that's your best decision, Y/N. You need to free yourself from the toxicity. Leave yourself open to what the universe has to offer you.” He says.

“I think the universe is telling me that I deserve no one.” You sniffle.

“Nothing, and no one is off limits to you, Y/N. You deserve the world and out there is a man who is waiting and willing to give it all to you.”

It's me. I'm that man.

“Maybe you're right. So you think I should leave him?” You ask, needing the extra push.

You should have left him the second you met me.

“Yes, I really do.” Hyunjin says.

“Okay.” You breathe. “I'm gonna do it today.”

God, I knew you were such a good fucking girl. That's my girl.

“I'll see you on Friday, okay?” He smiles. He hated that your sessions were only an hour. Most of the time he barely heard a word that came from your mouth, he was too busy admiring you and how absolutely perfect you were. You drove him crazy and you didn't even know it. He wanted to hug you and whisper sweet nothings into your ear to make you feel better but you weren't his yet. He was so close to having you, and he could stop imagining all the things he wanted to know.

**

This was it. This was the moment he had been working towards for a year. The moment you were going to come in and tell him you ended things with Jackson, and then the second part of his plan would be able to begin.

You walked into his office looking like a ray of sunshine, as beautiful as ever.

“Good afternoon, Y/N.” Hyunjin grins. Nothing could ruin his mood.

“Good afternoon!” You say, happily.

“So.” He begins. “How did the break up go?”

“Well… Um… it didn't exactly happen.” You murmur.

Rage. Pure fucking rage.

“What do you mean?” He asks, his teeth gritted together.

“I told Jackson I wanted to break up. But he begged and pleaded for me to work things out with him. He promised he would get help. He actually suggested we move.” You smile. “So this weekend we're going to pack up the house and move about 12 hours away.”

The hell you fucking are.

“I don't think that's a good idea.” Hyunjin says.

“I just came today to thank you for everything over this past year. You've truly been a lifesaver.” You admit.

I'm about to be a life taker now.

“Well, I wish you all the best, Y/N.” Hyunjin says. You smile at him, getting up from the couch and leaving. If you thought this was the last you were seeing of him today, you were sorely mistaken. You didn't want to listen to him, now he had to take matters into his own hands. He took what he needed, leaving the rest. He no longer needed this room. He went straight to his apartment, his entire body fueling with nothing but pure fucking rage.

“Hi baby, you're home early.” His girlfriend smiles.

Fuck you. I don't need you anymore.

He walked up to her, pulling her in for a passionate kiss, guiding the two of them to the bedroom. He pushed her down on the bed, climbing up to hover over her giggling frame. He straddles her, gently caressing her face.

“I'm so sorry.” He whispers.

“For what?” She asks.

“I don't need you anymore.” He smiles. He takes both his hands, wrapping them around her neck, using all his strength to apply pressure. She trashes beneath him, clawing at him to let go of her throat and let her breath. But he can't do that. Not until he's done. He watches her eyes, relishing in the view of life slowly leaving her body as she slowly stops fighting him until she lays there, lifeless.

Hyunjin lets out a deep breath, admiring his handiwork for just a second. He had one other person to go see now, and he hoped to god that you would be there to witness it.

Hyunjin stood outside your house. Some of the lights were off, and the house was relatively quiet. He knew you never locked your back door, it was a bad habit you had. He'd have to retrain you. As quietly as he could, he opened the door, leaving it open. He crept through the back house, making his way to the kitchen, where he saw Jackson packing things up. You must be packing somewhere else or gone to bed early. Hyunjin grips the knife in his hand, peering around the corner. He needed to wait for Jackson to be facing away from where he stood. The element of surprise gave him an even bigger adrenaline rush than if he was to just attack. So he waited. He waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Until it was late, and he hadn't seen you in a while. He assumed you had gone to bed, leaving Jackson alone to finish packing up the kitchen. Hyunjin slowly emerged from the shadows, tiptoeing towards the man who faced away from him. As he gets closer, he rushes towards Jackson, knife first, plunging it deep into his back.

Jackson lets out a loud yelp, as Hyunjin pushes it into him deeper. “Fuck!” Jackson screams. Hyunjin pushes him down to the floor, stabbing him over and over again, his blood splattering from his body. Jackson didn't even try and fight him back, it was almost as though he just accepted his fate and imminent death. He couldn't stop, he had so much pent up rage for Jackson, he continued stabbing Jackson’s already lifeless body, until he felt like he could be done. He stands up, breathing heavily, pushing his hair back with his hand covered in blood.

Now there was nothing that could get in his way of being with you. He walks towards the bedroom, knife in hand. You were sleeping so peacefully, completely unaware of what Hyunjin had just done to your boyfriend.

He moves the chair in your room closer to your side of the bed. He sits down, slouching in the chair twiddling the knife between his fingers as he watches you sleep. You must be having a bad dream. He watches as you toss and turn in the bed, murmuring random words, your face full of panic. He just wants to ease your troubles and your worries.

It took you a while, but you shoot up in bed, gasping for air, clutching your chest as it heaves while you try to take deep breaths to calm yourself down.

“Jac…” You begin, clearing your throat. “Jackson.” You call out. Even in the dark Hyunjin can see the tears spilling from your eyes.

“Jackson!” You call out again, after receiving no answer.

“He's not available at the moment.” Hyunjin murmurs. Your eyes go wide as you turn your head, seeing Hyunjin sitting in your room.

“What are you doing here?” You whisper.

“I came here and did what you weren't strong enough to do.” Hyunjin says. “I took care of your problem. I did what you couldn't do.”

“What do you mean?” You gasp. “What problem?”

“Jackson!” Hyunjin snaps. “You were doing so well following my directions, and then you decided to stay with him. Why would you do that?”

“What?” You ask. You were having a hard time trying to wrap your brain around what he was saying.

“If you had broken up with him, none of this would have ever happened.” Hyunjin says. “You wouldn't have made me do what I did.”

“What did you do to him?” You ask him.

“It doesn't matter. What matters is that you and I can finally be together.” Hyunjin smiles, standing up from the chair. He walks up to you, sitting on the bed beside you. “Nothing can come in between us now.” He whispers, gently caressing your face. He leans in, closing his eyes, so close to pressing his lips to yours.

But you pull away from him, you look disgusted. “Please just go, Hyunjin. Please.” You cry.

“I can't! It's you and me against the world, now.” He whispers.

“I don't want to hurt you. But if you fight me, I just might have too.” Hyunjin whispers, wiping away your tears. “Do you understand?” He asks, placing the knife between the two of you. “I love you.”

You glance down, nodding your head.

“Say it back!” He snaps. “Say you love me. Is it that hard? I just need you to say you love me.”

You look down at the knife covered in blood, panic setting in. “I… I love you.” You whisper. It was like music to his ears. He had yearned to hear you finally say that to him. He strokes your cheek with his thumb.

“That's a good girl.”

[fantasylover145]

This is not hate at all it is just a critique let me just say. Bobby is a fantastic captain and is a great leader but despite all of his years of experience and knowledge of firefighting, he still makes some pretty terrible mistakes with his team. Even though Bobby is a lot more open than he used to be and is always a shoulder to cry on, he as a leader will actively see members slowly have mental breakdowns and then only after they explode will he suggest therapy. I mean what the lawyer said during the lawsuit, as shitty as it was for everyone to have all their trauma thrown in their faces, it was all completely fair. None of them should of been back that quickly. Chim when he first came back after the rebar, whilst it had no affect on his job, he was not in a good place mentally. Bobby saw this and whilst he helped, he should of learned his lesson of bringing people back to fast and given them the space to process everything. I mean if Bobby recommended mandatory therapy for Buck maybe the lawsuit might not have even happened.

Then Hen with the car crash and Eddie with Shannon dying, Bobby literally witnessed how distraught both of them were but it was only after it was almost to late for Eddie that he got him into therapy and then got Hen in too. He is always to late, even though he should be providing them with mandatory therapy and a psychological evaluation before they can work again. The only time he did it right was when he sent Buck to therapy after the roller coaster but even still whilst the therapist got fired, Buck was assaulted and I'm assuming Bobby knew about the incident. But Bobby still didn't provide Buck the support he needed, even if it was just him supporting Buck and not recommending another therapist.

Like I'm sorry you're going to watch EVERY SINGLE ONE of your coworkers mental health slowly deteoriate but only even try to help them after they have had a mental breakdown and almost ruined their lives?! Right, at least Bobby finally got it right by not letting Eddie come back to work to quickly after he quit, but jesus christ!! The negligence is terrible to see!! I mean literally everyone including Bobby watched Chim slowly go insane when Maddie left in season five and somehow Bobby thought he was fit to be at work?! He needs to be doing better for his subordinates, for his family, I love Bobby he is a fantastic friend, a wonderful husband and father to Buck & May but at times he is a terrible Captain. He needs to stop thinking that a five minute conversation with his coworkers is going to solve everything and start getting strict with them about their mental health like he did with Eddie in season five. I mean Buck literally died and he didn't recommend therapy at all, not once!!

[mik0is0bored]

"So, what does she feel?"

Warning: talks of depression, suicide, self-harm, swearing.

She's told not to feel emotion.

So she doesn't. She hides it all away. Happiness? Suppressed into a barely noticed smile. Frustration? A blank gaze. Sadness? Tears are forced down.

Out of sight, out of mind.

She's exhausted. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Insomnia and depression don't make a good duo.

She starts up at her ceiling at night. Questioning everything that led her to this point in life.

Who is she?

Why?

Is there purpose?

Vague, deep questions plague her nights, making it damn near impossible for her to fall asleep.

"I have insomnia. Can we make an appointment with my doctor?" She asked, the dark circles under her eyes have become more and more noticable.

"No. You just don't try to fall asleep."

She just nodded.

"Can I please get a therapist?" She'd beg. She hated asking for help, but she couldn't do this bullshit anymore.

"I'm sick and tired of you saying you need therapy. You don't. Your just dramatic"

She nodded and mumbled an apology.

She sat in the bathroom, crying.

"You can't feel emotion." Was the words her mother spat at her.

Mothers shouldn't talk in such a cruel way to their children.

Then again, she had been told "to go to hell" once before. What's new? Nothing is, it won't change.

Her mom walks into the bathroom. She had an eye doctor appointment soon. Tears poured from her eyes, frustrated with herself as she texted her friend of what had happened, who was her therapist, it seemed.

The friend who she trusted to say how she had been struggling, how her mother didn't make it any better. The thoughts she had. The things she'd done.

The two scars that always glared up at her from her wrist.

She regretted those scars. But she didn't regret telling her friend since it made her feel less shitty when stuff happened.

"Your dad is on his way home, clean your mascara."

She didn't want to. She wanted her father to see what she went through when he wasn't home, but she knew he probably wouldn't believe her.

She nodded, expression blank.

If mom didn't want emotion, she wouldn't get it.

Nods and quite hums and mumbles of "yeah," "okay," and several others served as responses for the rest of the night.

She'd state out at the night sky, sitting at the picnic table in the backyard, listening to music through her headphones.

More specifically, Billie Eilish's music. Not in any order, not any specific album. Just her music.

"But I see her in the back of my mind, all the time"

She remembered herself as a little girl. Younger, laughing, smiling.

"Man, am I the greatest, my congratulations."

Pressures, expectations, grades, everything weighed against her shoulders. And she hated it. Having to live up to things she couldn't accomplish

Like trying to reach for the stars, but always failing.

"Sorry, I don't know how (sorry)"

She wanted to understand how and why, and what led up to this. The laughing little girl she used to be, now this shell of a person.

"I don't wanna talk right now. I just wanna watch TV."

To get her mind off of the cruelties of the world. To get the harsh things spoken to her by her mother out of her head.

Even if it was just for a little while.

So, what does she feel?

She doesn't know.

She wants to die. But she keeps living. No, not for herself. Because if she did, she would've been dead awhile ago.

She lived for her friend, the one she told everything, trusted, and cared about.

What she felt was too complex for her to describe.

So to put it in other words.

She was exauhsted.

I felt compelled to write something deep and emotional for no reason whatsoever, maybe to get myself to feel better thsn I do. Did it help? I don't know. But I hope readers like reading this like I did writing it.

@mik0is0bored, please don't copy or plagiarize my work.

[wingsmadeforflying]

Vent: Extreme Empathy to Extreme Apathy

Going from being the Mom and Therapist friend, extremely emphatic and sympathetic, helping with emotions, etc. -> has trouble feeling emotions, can't deal with hearing about other people's emotions, feels uncomfortable discussing emotions, etc. Is such. A whiplash.

(below is a vent, it's got nothing to do with anything, just flowing thoughts. Maybe someone will relate, unsure.

Keep scrolling if you don't care/don't relate/whatever! Friendly neighborhood multifandom tumblr account just ranting)

Looking back on myself and wtf I was able to do, being able to talk people down. Now, I can't think of anything to say. I just sit and go emotionless, I process things mechanically and offer advice. I can't just go "It's ok, lean on me, tell me your problems and we'll absorb them together", idk how to do that anymore. I have to give solutions, otherwise why are you coming to me?

Definitely trauma from having that emotional weight put on me. I just wanted my friends alive and not hurting. I'm now incapable of reaching out if it's an obvious ploy to draw people in and ask if they're alright. If I feel it's necessary or I decided I did something wrong and need to comfort them, I'll do that. But if you sit outside crying where I can hear it, or post a vague message on social media, I cannot bring myself to do anything. I'll tip-toe around it. I don't want to be someone's venting tube. All I'm going to get from it is stress and more worry and I don't want nor need that.

I can't talk people down anymore. If someone reaches out personally, I'll try. But I can't promise my emotions won't just. Shut out.

Also coming to terms with not having to be a good person all the time. I can be shitty and make mistakes. I'm human, I'm not a heart of gold machine. Being selfish and putting myself first for my mental health? Not a bad thing. Not putting the weight of the world and people's lives and emotions on my shoulders? Also not a bad thing. Other people's bad feelings are not my problem, I am not their keeper.

I can still feel empathy. But it doesn't come as easy as it used to and that's really scary, but also alleviating, in some ways.

[madeofsunbeams]

i’ve been in & out of therapy + homes since i was ten years old and i grew up living with emotional, physical and sexual trauma before i was even big enough to reach a counter. and if nothing comes out of this site other than this one message then that's absolutely fine with me, but i promise you, it won’t always be like that. i know it doesn't feel like it now. and it doesn't feel like it when you go to bed, when you wake up, when you take a shower, or when you kiss someone, or anytime that you look someone in the eye and try to explain. but you will be able to reconnect with your body over time. something that has helped me a lot is taking the time to close my eyes, process & focusing on the pleasure + the actual sensations of my body and being more meditative as opposed to stuck in a cycle of intrusive thoughts. i used to not be able to have sex without dissociating, crying or feeling intense pain (vaginal, abdominal & pelvic most of which was psychosomatic, it was my body’s trauma response). because our bodies are the topography & cartography of our life experiences. both good & bad. it’s taken a lot of time, patience, challenging myself, work & therapy to get to where my body can experience pleasure without feeling like a wound or wincing & flinching. or to just not have my shoulders be constantly up to my ears. to not always be alert and hyper-vigilant like a deer after a gunshot. there are a lot of therapies & books that you can read on how to work on being more present in your body so you can be in the here & now and less in the past. emdr is one that is helpful as well as somatic therapy. some practices of dbt can be useful as well. and if you can't afford therapy or don't have insurance, some books are ‘the body keeps score’, ‘what my bones know’, ‘healing the incest wound’ (this is particularly useful if you’ve survived csa at the hands of a relative), ‘when survivors give birth’ (i read this one for a class but i got so much out of it, you don’t have to be pregnant or even want kids to get insight from it bc it gets into all the different nuances & types of sexual abuse + how that affects our bodies & how do we heal from those experiences to bring forth + birth new life into the world, both metaphorically and literally, and to help break these generational cycles of shame & trauma). there's also the cbt coping skills workbook for ptsd which is popular among therapists so you could buy that + work through it as well. i know you probably feel dirty & like you are colored in shame. i want you to know those feelings developed as a way to cope when you were young. a child can't deal with the possibility that the main person/people caring for them is harmful & unstable, because even if you do acknowledge that, what difference does it make? you have so few rights & such little power as a child. so we learn to internalize the chaos & abuse because it gives us a sense of control in a powerless + out of control situation. you are not the shitty, fucked up & disgusting actions of someone else who should've known better, had some fucking self control, and who should've been held more accountable; but even more importantly you should've been safe & you should've felt it every fucking second of every day. you are more than the harm others have done. i promise, i promise, i promise. pinkies, scouts honor and everything. your body, mind & heart deserve so much more joy, pleasure, exploration + wonder. i'm sorry someone once robbed you of that. i don't want you to continue to let them though. i want you to end up in a place where you are present + where you know you are safe. i want you to finally be able to look forward to the future. instead of constantly trying to clear the wipe board of the past. i would rather you draw a better & more whole picture instead. one with your own hands. you are so strong + resilient already. you survived the unthinkable & unimaginable. so i know you can do it. the truth is there's no magical cure all & you will never heal from these things fully, you will simply learn how to cope with them.

i feel so repulsed by sex i wanna vomit and cry and i dont know if im just like that or its my trauma affecting me

[maharanis]

i was literally having a pretty sad/lonely day today but fate intervened!! bc my best friend texted me and then we had a really long/deep phonecall

[http-tokki]

I still love you

~ levi ackerman x fem!reader ~ tags/cw: modern day au, angst, explicit language, established relationships, age gap (levi is in mid 30's and reader is mid 20's) past relationship ptsd ~ wc: 900

Arguments happen. Even in a relationship where you are both so in love, there are moments when you won't see eye to eye. And it's not to say that you aren't meant to be or anything like that; it just means that you are both individual people who like and dislike different things, and arguing is healthy, any therapist will tell you, which is why it probably feels so shitty. Anything beneficial for you feels and tastes like ass, and your argument with Levi left you with a bitter taste on your tongue. It was over something stupid, a minor misjudgment on your part that has you stranded in a remote train station without any means to get home. Phone dead and no power outlet in sight, you had to rummage through your bag to find coins for the pay phone to call Levi to pick you up. It wasn't as if he picked you up in a huff, annoyed that he had to leave work early to come to get you; he was glad you had called. Had held your hand the whole way home and kissed your cheek before returning to the office. It was when he came home for the evening with a portable charger and air tag for your keys that the fight started.

"Levi, I don't need you to track me. I'm a grown woman" you handed the small white box back to him. You weren't ready to accept a present like that; you had only been dating a few months.

"I'm not going to be tracking you; it's for emergencies like today. If something happens, you can just press the button, and it pings the location" He pushed the box into your hands. "Please, just take it."

And so the back and forth continued. Starting off with a calm discussion and ending with you slamming the bedroom door.

"Why are you slamming the door? What are you? 15!" Levi shouted from the living room, his keys jingling in his hands. When he doesn't get a response, he throws out a sneered. "you wanna act like a kid, go ahead, but I'm not dealing with it," and he's out the door.

Levi comes back an hour later. Flowers and dinner are balanced in his arms as he unlocks the door and shucks off his shoes. He places the bouquet on the hallway table and calls out to you in the dark apartment.

You don't respond. Not because you don't want to talk to Levi, but because you've been crying up until now, and you don't want him to know it. Don't want more tears to start another argument. Anyone else would take your silence as a sign that you didn't want to talk, that they should ignore you and spend the night on the couch, but Levi doesn't want to do that. He doesn't want to sleep on the couch and leave you alone. Why would he want that? So he starts down the hallway in silence, looking for any sign of you in the bathroom or office, and when he comes up empty, he enters the bedroom. His heart shatters when he finds you on the bed, curled in a ball on your side. With soft steps and calm energy, Levi sits on the edge of the bed hand reaching out to rest on your bare shoulder.

"Hey, are you okay?" His voice soft.

You want to move out of his touch, not ready to cry in front of him again at risk of him leaving. He meant too much to you; you couldn't have him walking out because you couldn't keep your emotions in check. Levi's thumb draws circles on your skin, and there is so much tenderness in the touch you start crying again.

"Hey, Hey, Sweetheart. It's okay," Levi coo's and pulls on your shoulder, opening you up to him. "Are you okay?" he asks again, and when you shake your head and blubber out a short no, he pulls your body into his arms. Levi lies next to you, arms wrapping around your shoulders to pull you into his chest. He holds you close, pressing soft kisses to your forehead and stroking your back. With the same tenderness as before, he reaches a hand down to cup your cheeks and wipes the tears sliding down your face.

"Love, please don't cry," he whispers, ducking his head down to start kissing your face. Soft kisses are pressed to your cheeks and nose, forehead and eyes. "Sweetheart, It's okay."

You sniff, breath huffing as you try to stop the tears, but nothing works, so you bury your face in Levi's chest and let the crying run its course. There isn't anything Levi can do, so he holds you, stroking your hair and back, kissing your hair and forehead until you quiet and your breathing returns to normal.

"I'm sorry," you croak out after calming down. "I didn't mean to cry that much"

Levi runs his hand down your spine. "You don't need to apologise. Are you feeling better?"

You nod, lips still pulled in a frown.

"Wanna talk about it?"

You shake your head, forehead brushing against his soaked shirt. "In the morning."

"Okay, angel." he presses a kiss to the top of your head. "I still love you," his words are muffled by your hair. "so fucking much."

Your heart breaks, and you feel a fresh wave of tears fill your eyes. Looking up, you lock eyes with Levi. "I love you too.”

[l0v3lyr0ses]

Older sister

Character: Glamrock!Freddy

Type: Angst, comfort, fluff

Fem!reader

Prompt: inspired by surface pressure from Encanto. Y/n is a woman in her early twenties still living with her parents and four teenage siblings who dump their trauma and burdens onto her and so do her parents. She hardly has time to think about herself, she is the family therapist. But for once someone finally let her vent and would listen

i tried making it seem comfort in it but I have a feeling i did a shitty job, I kinda also feel like um, i made Glamrock fred seem a bit OOC idk.

-Mae

-

"Another shift!" y/n smiled nervously, she hoped her siblings had something to eat while she was gone. Mom and dad were out on a late-night date again, she did wonder how these dates were used as an excuse to neglect their children. She hoped tonight would be successful, what are you thinking y/n? she knew this would be a piece of cake, nothing to worry about.

Later, she realized, earlier while cleaning Freddy's messy room. She left her phone in there, y/n had to get to it, to get it back. To check on her mischiefs of teenagers often got up to mischief when alone home. and often the blam was placed onto her, regardless if they blamed it on

She left the security room, turning her flashlight on. y/n's face wasn't on all the animatronics face recognition systems' only Roxy, Freddy, and Montgomery's. Chica was one concern, y/n decided to take the risk, her parents would be pissed if they returned in the morning and the house was trashed. But she didn't care how hard this task maybe, she was tough. She could handle this.

The temperature had dropped in the pizza plex, she shivered at the strange frigid breeze inside the dark corridor, the only light source the flashlight. y/n heard Chica further away, not too far behind her. Fortunately, Freddy's room was not far off, but she had to be silent.

y/n eventually found her way to the door of Freddy's dressing room, she didn't have the time to be polite and knock, or else Chica might get to her. She walks inside quickly locking the door behind her.

"I'm sorry for not knocking but Chica was hot on my heels." y/n smiled sadly, at the friendly animatronic bear.

she was interacting with Freddy, yet in the back of her mind y/n couldn't help but still automatically be in the 'golden, perfect' older sister role.

That breaks the camel's back

What breaks the camel's back?

The pressure of pleasing her siblings was unbearable, she just wanted to collapse. But then again y/n is the older sibling, she can't break down. y/n is meant to be like a diamond unshatterable, in condition to stand everything.

"Are you alright, superstar?" Freddy questioned the trembling female, he knew she left her phone but he had a notion that this was something more than a simple device.

"Y-yes." Her breath hitched, she wasn't frightened of him..

He didn't want to force her, accepting her wishes. But the anxious glimpses didn't stop. y/n sat on his couch and start crying and silently sobbing. "give it to your sister, your sister's older" "Give her all the heavy things we can't shoulder" her words hurt her more than it hurt him to see hunched over tears streaming down her soft cheeks, and that's saying something since Freddy does not love anyone more than her

"What good am I if I can't service well?" she wept, salty tears stinging in her e/c eyes, she felt everything so much right now.

Without hesitation, Freddy with his 8 feet frame wrapped his arms around her, for mere comfort, and to show that he cares and wants to listen to her, no matter what it is. yet the words the repeated in her mind were,

Pressure like a grip, grip, grip and it won't let go Pressure like a tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow

"Give it to your sister, your sister's stronger See if she can hang on a little longer" she silently trembled, against Freddy

"Who am I if I can't carry it all?" she softly spoke,

She was barely holding on to the large teddy bear, but Freddy's metal body, holding hers, was a comfort to her. It made everything seem less lonely.

"your family cannot expect you to carry their burdens before, considering your own." Freddy softly spoke, clearly not wanting to appear uncaring, or that he is pitying her family issues.

"Under the surface" she nearly whispers, Freddy's hand squeezes hers affectionately, to show his support.

you hide your nerves and it worsens, you worry something is gonna hurt them" Freddy was reading her mind, or he simply knew her well enough to read her like an open book, he actually understood.

"Under the surface-" she begins, before being interrupted

"The ship doesn't swerve as it heard how big the iceberg is"

"Under the surface!-" she was once more caught off guard, Freddy truly was full of surprises.

"you think about your purpose, can you somehow preserve this?" Freddy said as if he understood her situation.

Line up the dominoes A light wind blows You try to stop it tumbling But on and on it goes

Were the thoughts circulating her mind right now, she couldn't shake off the feeling. y/n purses her soft lips, her eyes for the first time truly, meeting his blue ones.

"But wait" she softly said, "If I could shake the crushing weight of expectations Would that free some room up for joy" she spoke with a hopeful expression painted on her soft features. "Or relaxation, or simple pleasure?" Freddy responded to the female, hoping it'd turned around, and maybe she was beginning to feel better "Instead we measure this growing pressure" Freddy said his hand softly placed on hers, "Keeps growing, keep going" y/n responds, no flinching, no pulling away either. This must've been some progress in the relationship between her and Freddy. usually she flinched at any touch, 'Cause all we know is

still, the pressure never seemed to end, her racing heart wouldn't slow down. the pressure that would simply keep her unstable as a person, that wouldn't end until y/n pops

"Give it to your sister, it doesn't hurt." She begins to softly cry again but less extreme this time around.

"And see if she can handle any family burden" her eyes softly scanned Freddy for any dishonesty, her eyes soften when she sees his earnest soft eyes.

"watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks No mistakes" y/n's eyes softly dropped to her lap, sadly.

"My superstar, it's alright. For you to vent to me. I am your boyfriend, am I not?" his voice softly urged her to rest her head against his shoulder.

"thank you so much, Freddy." she gazed up at him both lovingly and gratefully. he truly was her savior, she felt happier than she did before.

y/n softly presses her lips against his cheek, before relaxing for once and snuggling into the giant bear animatronic, whose arms rested on her waist. and softly chuckled at the smaller female,

"I love you, my superstar." he softly ran his paw-like fingers through the strands of hair.

[kunimikat]

hi! i'm having a hard time mentally lately and i recently found out that i kind of erm,,,,, when my mental health is really bad my brain is like "no!😀" and skyrockets me into absolute baby mode and just want cuddles and love and i feel really lonely and don't talk a lot. bokuto is my comfort character so if you woudlnt mind could you do some headcanons or whatever you want- about him helping? feel free to ignore this i know it's a bit strange💔 but i thought i'd throw it out there :) 💞

I really hope it gets better for you, I hope my shitty HCs somehow makes your day a little better. Lots of love 🥺🤲❤️oh and this might’ve come off more angsty but I promise I put fluff at the end. And listen to this while reading cause it just makes this- 💔🦟🦗🦟🦗❤️

Requests are open! And if you have requests like this I’m happy to do them :)

Also proof read but still might be mistakes.sorry, there might be some triggering things in here, but there is nothing crazy so I think it’s ok 🧍

Before you guys even got together he’d always check up on you.

To the point were he subconsciously did it anywhere, and anytime

He’d give you small owl knickknacks or a snack before school started, or when it ended. Making sure you ate something that day.

Or he’d just try to make you laugh as much as he could during then

But sometimes he’d drop everything, and just give you a tight hug. Anywhere, no matter who it was in front of. Holding you close to him, not saying anything but you could hear him tripping over the words he wanted to say but just couldn’t.

He could tell it was a bad day where you’d come in and just sit on the benches or bleachers with both in mind but staring at the bright fluorescent gym lights. Where you’d just zone out mid-conversation and look at your feet or phone in disinterest. When you’d throw in a sarcastic self-deprecation joke when someone would ask if you’re ok.

Or when you’d have days where you’d stay up studying, doing your homework, and not sleeping for who knows how long when you come in with the energy drink in hand. Or the days when you’d get nothing done, and just sleep everything away and just deal with it the next day.

It didn’t take a therapist or a mastermind to tell you weren’t ok.

The nervous tics, the small lip bites, the impulsive “Let’s do something and think about consequences later!”

Bokuto knew he was just like the latter but at least it wasn’t all the time, so when he saw his bestfriend and crush slowly killing themselves mentally (and maybe physically, he was hoping not), yet cracking jokes about it the next second. All he wanted to do was run in and kiss you until all you felt was loved.

He just wanted to see you happy again

He felt like fainting everytime he saw you giggle or laugh at his antics(knowing Bokuto that has probably happened)

Or when you and Ahgkaaashi would hang out with him at the Owl section of the Zoo and pick out your favorite ones

When you two would try cooking some dish either of you couldn even try pronouncing and it ending in a mess. One he didn’t mind cleaning up when he got to talk to you throughout the whole time.

The times you’d have to turn in your work a little late because you were helping Bokuto cope after losing a game, which he felt bad about but you brushed it off with a genuine smile saying “I can’t leave poor Akaashi with Bokuemo for the rest of the week can I?” “H-Hey!”

When you and Bokuto would hang out in the bird themed cafe on the end of the street from school. And just be yourselves without having to impress anyone.

How you excuse yourself from the group of people you barely knew the names of, to go cry in the bathroom then come back as if nothing happened.

Times where you both forget your in highschool with insecurities, voice cracks, stress, and having to make a decision regarding the rest of your life by the end of it. And just laying in some random parking lot, staring into the blaring street lamp light and the stars behind it.

Bokuto loved it when you didn’t use the jokes to cover up how you felt. Or how you jumped to another subject when he would ask. When you tell him everything you’re feeling.,

The confusion, the way you didn’t know why your mind worked the way it did and why you felt horrible all of a sudden but fine the next.

You wanted it to stop, to have an explanation for the way you think and why. Yet now you’re telling no one, and clearly holding it in. Bokuto was now watching you letyour emotions eat you alive from the inside out.

He just wanted the you he knew. The you that he had so many fun memories with. Not the forced persona you played when you needed a cover up for how you truly felt.

This wasn’t the way he wanted to confess but it was getting all too much for Bokuto to watch,

Bokuto’s tears were streaming down his face as he had you held out in front of him. His body was trembling and his grasp was so shaky it was easy to break away. But you knew you could ever do that to him, or yourself. He clenched his jaw , not being able to lock eyes with you, a painful tug at his heart everytime he locked eyes with your hopeless look. You felt tears brimming your eyes yet you didn’t even know why he sat you down here. But you felt it was your fault, so immediately you let out a ‘Sorry-‘

Instead of an answer Bokuto pulled you toward him, pushing your head into the crook of his neck. You let out a choked noise as surprise, instinctively wrapping your arms around his waist.

“Why...why’re you saying sorry Y/N? I should be saying sorry for not helping you, I-“

Bokuto lost his breath for a second as a silent sob wracked his body, bringing you closer to him. Tears were falling down from your eyes but you could barely feel them as they became a stream.

“Y/N, I love you, I love you so, so much. Why are you doing this to yourself? You know you could come talk to me, I-I’m not the the best therapist but,-“

He let out a shaky breath, pulling you back out to look at you directly. You squeezed his arm that was holding you, reassuring him you felt the same way, but also to go on. Puffy eyes and a tear stained face looked at you sternly. “Please, please don’t keep these feelings to yourself Y/N. It hurts, it hurts me so much when I see you like this. Especially since you feel like you can’t come to me. I-, I-“

Bokuto bit his lip, clenching his eyes tight, forcing the tears that were already threatening to fall out. “I don’t want to see you like this. I love you, I love you.”The only thing lacing his tone is the sincerity in it.

He says it again to make sure you understood every word that came from him. But he didn’t need to. His grip so tight on your arms it almost hurt. But in a way, you didn’t mind it as it showed you how much more serious this was to him.

“You have me, Kaashi, the team, and honestly anyone! We all love you and what you have to say!”

You both give small shaky laughs, despite the situation, the tension slowly melting. He wipes the tears that were flowing down your cheeks, kissing each one after he did. You held each one of his hand. Squeezing them to give yourself courage, and to know this was all too real.

“Bokuto...I’m so sorry to you and everyone else. I- I locked myself away because I thought I would be bothering you and everyone and could just get over it then push the feelings down. But now seeing you...seeing you so much...pain, someone I love hurt because of me. I...I really realize how I was affecting everyone.”

Bokuto tried denying but you shook your head, your eyes that were looking down were now up at him.

“I’ve come to reality especially after seeing you like this Bo, I love you too, and I want to make it up to you this whole week! No, month...year? Whatever. I’ll be better for our future. And you know what, why don’t I help you with that math homework so we’re both gonna get better at something by the end of the week!”

Laugher filled the once cold room with a feeling of warmth that you couldn’t explain. Bokuto leaned in and gave a small peck. You were about to give a small hum in happiness. Until he pulled far back away from you in panic.

“I-Is something wrong Bo? Does my breath stink-“

“N-NONONO NOTHING LIKE THAT. ITS JUST...I just kissed you without asking...a-and I read in a magazine you’re supposed to do that or your crush won’t like you back!”

Silence.

But you interrupted it with your laughter, holding onto to one of his shoulders to not fall over. He had a confused look on his face as he fidgeted, not knowing what to do. “Y-Y/N! What?”

“You’re so stupid Bo,”

And like that you pulled him into a kiss, one he quickly melted into. He made a small surprised noise, but that was the only noise of complaint. The kiss turned into Bokuto giving you pecks all over your face. A giddy feeling in your stomach with each one. Between the kisses you say “Y’know I’m surprised you decided to sit down and read a magazine without testing on the real deal.” His face has a small flush, instead of saying anything he just kisses you aggressively all over, causing you to reel back and laugh harder. He pulls away from the assault and grabs your hand. He leads you over to the couch and hugs you as you both flop onto the couch. You looked at him confused, “Bo?”

But he just turned the TV on, clicked through the channels, until he found one he liked. He looked over at you excitedly, “Let’s cuddle and watch the movie I was talking about last week!”

The genuine excitement in his voice was all it took to have you wrapped around his finger. So now it was getting late and you were falling asleep to Bokuto gently rubbing his hand in circles on your back. And his faint smell of cologne luring you to sleep.

Hey! Sorry if this is on the shorter side, but I tried packing as much emotion as I could into it to make up. I hope you enjoyed this, cause I added a few of my little issues into it so I hope you don’t mind. (Also along with some people ik) I really hope it gets better for you, hopefully by now even though this came out late (sorry really busy this month for some reason🧍) if you need anyone to talk to I’m always open to hear❤️..

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: the R slur, potentially child neglect / abuse (?)

Hey! I'd like some support! So, pretty much everyone except for a few therapists (other ones diagree with them tho) has told me that my parents are shitty if not outright emotionally abusive. But my mom keeps telling me that other people have way worse parents and that I should be grateful and shouldn't complain about them, ever, because they're much better than parents who beat their kids nonstop (my parents beat me when I was a kid but not anymore, nowadays my mom just slaps me in the shoulder or forearm until it turns red and numb, and my dad only slaps me when he gets really frustrated with me not being able to understand something. Like the last time was when he was helping me study Geometry and I have something like aphantasia and couldn't get something, so he kept calling me the r slur and ended up slapping me when we couldn't get ahead) or than the parents who forbid their children from hanging out with friends and never let them go anywhere outside. Keep in mind that by "children," I'm referring to teenagers in the later stages of their teenage years and adult students. I personally am 19 and I'd find it very horrible if I found out that one of my classmates couldn't go anywhere without supervision, I mean, we're adults.

And the thing is that at this point I'm unsure if I actually have the right to complain or to wish my parents were different or to call them abusive? I mean, I've always hesitated to call them that, but I do think that they're not good parents. But I'm not sure if I can actually call them that when some parents are much worse. I mean, my father never straight up punched me, he only punched my mom in front of me once, and I only got slapped in the face and hit on the bum, both with and without utensils, and I only got screamed at as he shouted slurs and threats of violence and death. My dad didn't come home drunk and throw alcohol bottles at walls like some do. And my mom didn't forbid me from talking to specific people when I got older, she only did that when I was very young, and I'm not forbidden from going anywhere, she just gets passive aggressive about it sometimes and insists that I must be angry at her when I'm going outside, or to visit grandma, or anywhere. And she was never mean to me, she always just insisted that all my friends are lying to me when they say they don't have time and that they just hate me and don't want to hang out with me, and always insisted that I was lying when I told her about something concerning happening at school, and then decided that if I wasn't lying, it was somehow my fault (like when I told her a friend just came up to me and told me that she despises me and will never talk to me again and that I'm disgusting and she hates me, my mom insisted that I caused it somehow. I kept saying that no, she just did that out of the blue and I started crying, I gave her no reason to say that and that was our first interaction of the day. Mom kept saying that I'm lying and that I did something bad to her right before that. But that was the least serious one, she never believed me that the boys were tearing our clothes off and groping us during breaks either, and that if what I was saying was true, I did something to deserve it.). She never really called me anything bad like some mothers do, she just insisted that I'm pretending to be that bad thing, always says "Stop playing a R slur, I know you're not that big of a R slur, you're just pretending to piss me off."

So it's like...I don't know if I'm wrong. Plus they let me stay at their house even though I'm 19 and they don't mind me eating their groceries and they give me gifts on my birthday. Some parents don't do that.

Hi anon, 

You deserve so much better than this. You would absolutely be justified in calling your parents abusive. It doesn’t matter that other parents are “worse”, the bottom line is your parents shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing to you. You don’t have to use the label, because it’s your choice, but you would be very valid to refer to them as abusive, and/or the things they’ve done as abuse. 

I also have aphantasia. And while it is not classified as a disability, because it’s just a different way people experience things, it can impact how someone learns. And that is something that you deserve to have understood. I spent a lot of years feeling frustrated watching my classmates be able to do things with ease that I honestly couldn’t because I couldn’t “picture” things the way they could. 

You should not be called slurs, or hit or so many of the things that have been done to you. Can I ask you this... If you heard a friend was being treated how you were, would you think that your friend was valid? Because I think sometimes it’s easier to understand things if we try and look at them from another view. 

Even if your parents do nice things for you, it doesn’t mean that the bad things they do get a pass. That’s not how things work. 

Your mom telling you to be grateful because it could be worse is invalidating, and it feels like a way to not have to take accountability for the wrongs that have been done.

However you are feeling is valid and understandable. 

April

[cheeseburgersstuff]

Don’t Leave Me

I wrote this when I was supposed to be studying 😂😂 This is the longest shit I've ever written!! 💃 I'm improving, l guess 😁😂

Ransom Drysdale x Reader

Warnings: ansgt, sadness(a lil bit), language, (you guessed right, my shitty writing) 💕

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y/n was the only reason Ransom was there, at his grandfather’s birthday. He didn’t even want to see his family’s faces. They always find something to annoy him. It’s not like he doesn’t say anything back to them, Man he comes back with more rude and sarcastic answers than them. But still, for him, they are the vile ones. 

And that’s why he was sitting at the corner away from everyone with a drink in his hand watching his wife laughing with Meg and Marta. He was sitting peacefully until his grandfather took him to his office to talk about something important. That’s when everything went wrong. His calm behavior, his mood, everything spoiled.

y/n surely did notice him going with his grandfather with annoyed expressions. She chuckled and shook her head knowing that after some time all of them would be hearing both granddad’s and grandson's yelling at each other.

This is their love-hate relationship, Harlan would always tell Ransom that, how ransom should have to be responsible especially now that he is married and Ransom would get angry how you can’t tell him what to do, you can’t tell him nothing.

But that doesn’t mean they hate each other. Harlan would always talk about Ransom with Marta, how he worried about that boy and see the younger him in Ransom. On the other hand, Ransom surely doesn’t share his feelings with anyone but with his wife, he made an exception. She knew that whenever they had a fight Ransom couldn’t sleep that night, he would feel guilty because of his harsh words towards Harlan cuz he got carried away with their fight.

And that’s what happening right now, after a few moments the family heard their yelling and then ransom getting out of the house without even looking at his wife leaving her there. She didn’t go out after him, thinking he just got out to clear his mind but when she heard his beamer started and gone, she knew this time that shit was serious. 

Everyone was looking at her as if wanting to know what she would do now. She inhaled and straight went to Harlan’s office shutting the door behind her. 

“What happened now Harlan,” she asked in an irritated tone. “Nothing, just the old shit you know” “Harlan I know this is not just about him being careless or something. Please tell me the truth, he just left me here. I know this is something serious.” please tell me before he does something stupid, you know him Harlan.” y/n begged.

Harlan just stared at y/n then said “I Just cut him off my will.””not just him everyone else too.” he said calmly. “You what!? You cut everyone off” 

“This has to be done y/n. It’s gonna make them grow on their own. It’s gonna make him respon..” 

“You know I don't care about that, I just know my husband is out there roaming around in madness, you know his anger and madness, you shouldn’t just tell him everything like that. I just hope he won’t do anything stupid.” y/n sighed and went out of the house needing fresh air. 

After some time she heard something from the entrance, it was just dark so I couldn't see what it was. But then again she heard a sound like someone was out there. She went that way and saw someone’s back. When that person went towards the wall of the house and started to climb it, she gasped knowing it was her husband climbing the wall as he was some sort of thief or some criminal. She watched him going inside the house through the window which looks like some sort of secretive door or something.

She knew how he acts stupid during his anger seasons but seeing him like this, entering his grand father’s house as a thief shocked her. 

She quickly got inside the house too, everyone was busy bickering about something so nobody noticed her. She went upstairs, towards Harlan's room and then there she saw her husband.

He was in Harlan's room, doing something with his medical bag. A syringe and in his hand.

“Ransom what are you doing here” he got startled and dropped the medicine inside the bag. 

He turned towards her, he was scared but somehow managed to keep his expressions calm.

“What are you doing here?” he said like he was angry. She raised her eyebrow “really!? I should be the one asking you that, why are you here, you left about 20 minutes ago remember?” “what brings you here again, in Harlan's bedroom and by climbing the wall?” she questioned. 

He sighed “nothing that concerns you, just go downstairs and don’t” “what the fuck Ransom, you sound like it’s normal? You climb the wall to enter the house, going into your grandfather's room doing something with his medicines, I know you are mad at him for cutting you out but what the hell is all of this?” she spat.

“You know?” “of course I know, I asked him after you left me there because you were so angry that you just forgot your wife” she taunted. “Oh c'mon, I didn't forget you” he scoffed. “I just had to do this before coming back to you” “and what is this? What are you doing here Ransom?” she went near him looking at the bag in front of him. When he didn’t answer she took both injection bottles and then looked at him with horrified expressions. 

“Were you switching them both?” she whispered like she was scared of the answer. Ransom didn’t say anything she made her angrier “tell me, Ransom, were you switching these.” she yelled, showing him morphine and the other bottle.

“Yes, I...I had to be this sweetheart for us. That is our money. He is giving everything to her. I can’t let that happen” she was just staring at him listening to his rambling, she couldn’t believe this was her husband, she was living with him for 3 years. No matter how much of an asshole he is but this is beyond the limit, killing his grandfather just cuz he is giving his nurse, not his so-called vile family. 

“We are going home right now,” she said, wiping her tears and fixing Harlan's bag like before. Then taking out the syringe from ransom’s hand. “No! I won’t go home until I finish this. I have to do the..” he was cut off by her slap on his face. “Wake up ransom!! This is not you, get out of the house just like you came in. then go to your car. I’ll meet you there. And if you try to do this again Ransom, I can assure you I can be more aggressive than you.” with that she just stormed out the room without glancing towards her husband.

~ 

After saying goodbye to everyone y/n sat in the car. She didn’t acknowledge him, the whole ride towards home went in silence. Ransom tried to talk to her but just got ignored. 

When they both reached their house she just went straight to her room. 

After some time she came downstairs seeing ransom sitting on the couch, his face in his hands. She didn’t want to talk to him but knew she had to.she just couldn't control herself and went towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder, he looked up with his red eyes due to crying. And that just broke her heart more. She sat beside him and he suddenly hugged her body, his face in her chest and arms around her waist. But she didn’t hug him back.

“I’m so sorry baby, I know what I was doing, was horrific. I didn’t even know I was planning to murder my grandfather. I know I’m not a good person and I don’t deserve you or any happiness in the world but please baby, don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.” 

She started to cry at his words, he was thinking she was going to leave him, didn’t he know that just like him she also can’t live without him. And no matter how much bad person he can be, she’ll always arrive to spoil his evil plans just like today, she’ll always slap that madness inside of him until it vanishes forever. 

She felt him shaking in her arms, crying again. “Hey hey! Look at me.” she took his face in her hands. “I’m not going to leave you OK… what you did was indeed horrible and you did break my heart but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna leave you. I’ll always be with you and we are gonna deal with your shit together. Just like you, I can't live without you too.” “I don't need Harlan's money, I don’t need the expensive gift you give me. Ransom for me you are enough. What I need is your promise that you’ll help me, help me to help you, to make this madness, these horrific thoughts go away, will you?” 

He looked at him like she was some sort of blessing towards him, he couldn’t believe she wasn’t leaving her “whatever you’ll say, I’ll do it, sweetheart, just forgive and give me another chance.” he said happily and gave her another hug. And with that she knew the first step to help him, taking him to a therapist….

[imaginethathaikyuu]

Your posts are like super good and I really enjoy them!!! So I have a request, and I'm not sure how many characters at a time you said you'd do, but I'll keep it to Oikawa, Kyoutani and Kuroo with some angst, if that's alright. I'm thinking maybe a fight between them and their s/o, (jealousy or volleyball or something). Maybe they make their s/o cry. Ending of your choice? If this isn't your style you can ignore this. Thank you!!

thank you for the request! 

kuroo tetsurou

The clock strikes 1 am. The girl attached to your boyfriends hip has migrated to throwing her leg over his knee - and he still isn’t ready to go home.

The music is still loud. The party is still lively.  You’re becoming more uncomfortable by the second - everyone was drunk but you, and drunk people have no respect for those who are sober. You already had to push two guys off of you.

You wade through the small crowd of people to get to Kuroo.

“Are you ready, Tetsurou?”

He holds a finger up to you. The girl next to him is in the middle of a sentence - apparently it’s important.

He laughs at her comment, and then looks to you with a bored expression. “What?”

“Just asking if you’re ready…”

“Don’t leave so soon, Tetsu!”

You raise a brow at her tone - you know he notices, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I’m ready to go home,” you say.

With a sigh, he looks to the girl next to him. “Y/N’s the boss.”

His expression had changed completely - as if he’d prefer to stay with her rather than go back home with you.

“Don’t let me ruin the fun,” you say. “I’m sure you could go home with any girl here, if that’s what you want.”

He says his goodbyes to the girl next to him, basically ignoring your words. When he stands, he scoffs at you. Your comment had soured his mood - the alcohol he had consumed was already putting a downer on him. He wished he could’ve had fun with you; instead, he just felt annoyed at everything.

“Don’t start. Are we leaving or not?”

You nod. You don’t bother saying goodbye to any friends there, but Kuroo is sure to make his rounds. Again, you have to wait - sitting at the kitchen counter - on him to start caring about what you want.

In that time, one of the guy’s you had turned down earlier came back. He draped his arm over your shoulders and his face was close to yours.

“You leavin’ me?” he stutters - you immediately smell the alcohol on his breath. His grip on your shoulders is tight - you aren’t sure if you’ll be able to push him off.

“Yeah,” you reply weakly.

“Come on, baby,” he says, “what do you say we go find our own room? There’s plenty -”

“I have a boyfriend,” you tell him, wincing at his close proximity.

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!”

“Aren’t we leaving?”

Kuroo’s voice comes from behind you - but it doesn’t make the man pull away.

So you push him off, grumbling, “get off,” as sternly as you can muster, and wipe your face before walking with Kuroo to the door and ultimately to your car.

The car ride is awkward - the walk inside your home is even more awkward. But once you’re both in the foyer, he breaks the silence.

“Are you just going to act like that didn’t happen?”

“You’re mad at me because some creep was hitting on me?”

“Convenient excuse,” he replies, walking to the kitchen.

“You…”

There was nothing you could even think to say. You were confused and angry and sad, and you had no idea how to voice your thoughts.

“…you spent the entire party with a random girl on your lap! A girl you obviously would rather be with right now - and… and you’re angry that some drunk perv had his arm over my shoulder?!”

Maybe it was the alcohol in his system. Maybe he’d gotten caught up in the energy of the party. But it was only then, when he heard the sound of your cries and your broken voice, did Kuroo realize how much he’d fucked up.

“I’m an idiot,” he said with his head in his hands. “I’m stupid and I don’t deserve you and I shouldn’t drink alcohol.”

You don’t reply. You’re still crying.

“Baby… please stop crying and let me hug you and hold you all night and please rub my back when I puke later and I’m sorry.”

You nod. Kuroo takes a few steps towards you, holding his arms out.

“I love you,” he says before wrapping you up in his lanky arms. “I love you.” He kisses the side of your head a couple of times. “I love you.”  

Again, you nod - and he knows you aren’t feeling much better.

“I know you don’t believe me,” he sighs. “But I love you. I only want you. You’re my better half. Thank you for being patient with my drunk ass. I need to throw up.”

When you laugh, he knows that’s his cue to pull away - and turn around to the sink and spill his guts. And you rub his back like he asked you to.

And afterwards - way afterwards, when Kuroo’s thrown up twice more and brushed his teeth three times, he holds you all night, like he said he would.

oikawa tooru

“Where are you going, Tooru?”

Oikawa stops in his tracks and turns to you.

“I… thought you were at work.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

He sighs. “I don’t know, Y/N - where do you think I’m going with my gym bag and work out clothes?”

You give him a pointed glare, standing up from where you sat on the couch.

“We’ve talked about this -”

“And I told you I know what I’m doing.”

You scoff. “Just like when you knew what you were doing before you hurt your knee?” you look down to his leg, seeing it bare - yet again. “You aren’t even wearing your brace!”

“I don’t need it anymore! It was years ago - why do you always bring that up?”

“Because you aren’t being careful and it’s going to happen again -”

“I’ll never get better if I don’t work hard enough! Do you want me to be a shitty player for the rest of my life?”

“Tooru -”

“You don’t know what’s best for me - all you do is hold me back!”

He turns away from you and walks towards the door - and you notice it again.

You’d seen it when he got home from practice last night - you hoped you were just imagining it. But now, you know for sure.

So you walk up behind him quickly, putting a hand on his arm.

“Tooru, you’re limping -”

He jerks his arm away from your grasp.

“Shut up -”

“Tooru -”

“I said shut up!”

He drops his bag. His shoulders sink, his head hangs low. And that’s when he breaks.

“God dammit -”

Your heart is in your stomach, your eyes are watering, your fists are clenched. But you say nothing.

“I don’t need you saying I told you so,” he sobs. “I don’t - I just want to be a good player.”

You want to tell him that he already is a good player - the best player you know, even, but it’s no use. You know he won’t listen. He won’t believe you.

“I’ve already hit my peak and I should just give up,” he says. His body shakes. He can’t catch his breath. But despite that, he picks up his bag. “But I can’t.”

“I don’t care if you push yourself,” you say. You grab his wrist. “I don’t care if you want to risk hurting yourself even worse, I don’t care if we never stop arguing over this - but wear your fucking brace, Oikawa.”

He doesn’t move from where he stands - he doesn’t even turn to look at you.

“You’re throwing away any potential you ever had by not wearing it - you’re hurting yourself.”

He still doesn’t look at you as he pulls his arm from your grasp, but he turns and walks back to his bedroom. When he comes out, he’s wearing the familiar white brace.

He doesn’t say anything. He just walks out of the apartment, gym bag in hand. And you don’t know what else to do but call Iwaizumi - and make an appointment at Oikawa’s physical therapist.

And you prayed he’d start taking better care of himself.

kyoutani kentarou

Another day of your boyfriend hardly interacting with you goes by - and you can’t take it anymore. People hardly even realize you and Kyoutani were dating - today, Hanamaki told you he thought you were siblings.

And it’s all because Kyoutani rarely even looks your way when you’re in public around your peers. It hurt - it seemed like he didn’t want people to know you’re dating.

And when you bring it up to him, he always says: “Okay, I’ll do better…”

But nothing has changed.

He’s sitting on your bed with you now, on his phone and hardly noticing your existence. But he notices something is wrong. When he asks, you jump at the opportunity to discuss your feelings.

“I just… wish you… showed me more attention, that’s all.”

He sighs but he doesn’t reply.

“It feels like you don’t even really… want to be with me.”

“Why would I be here if I didn’t want to be?”

His words would have been calming, if it weren’t for his angry tone.

“I… I don’t know.”

“You bring this up all the time. I told you I’d be better.”

“But you haven’t been… I just want to feel like we’re dating instead of looking like strangers -”

“What else am I supposed to do?! I don’t know what else you fucking want from me!”

His voice was raised, he was almost yelling. You knew if he said anything else his voice would become louder - but it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t have to raise his voice any higher to upset you.

You weren’t trying to make him angry - you just wanted him to understand.

But you’d done something wrong, apparently.

So you didn’t reply - you scooted away from him, hugged your knees to your chest, and tried not to cry too loudly.

He knew he’d made a mistake - he knew not to raise his voice at you. But he did it anyway. Just like he knew you wanted him to be better, yet he never changed a thing.

He’s only frustrated with himself and he feels so pathetic for taking it out on you.

He can’t even look in your direction - he just buries his head under a pillow to hide for awhile. He’s stuck with his thoughts and they’re intrusive and deafening.

If he was feeling like shit, how were you feeling? You were the one dealing with how bad of a boyfriend he is. You were the one he yelled at. So what right did he even have to be upset?

He wants to run out, get out of your bed and leave without even saying goodbye. He wants to get into his car and blast his music so loud he can’t even hear his own mind screaming at him.

But if he does that, if he runs away from you, he’ll lose you. And it’ll be the biggest mistake of his life. And Kyoutani is selfish and rude and mean and all of the shitty things people say about him - but losing you is the one thing he’ll never let himself do.

“Y/N,” he says loudly.

“What?”

Your voice is weak. It breaks his heart.

“Can you come here?”

You laugh a little and raise the pillow off of his head, then lay down next to him.

“I’m not a good boyfriend,” he says. His eyes are closed. “I’m bad at this. But we can figure it out. Talk it out. I just want to be making you happy.”

You nod, but he doesn’t see. All he hears are your sniffles.

“I know you probably hate me for yelling at you and I’m sorry.”  

“I don’t,” you say. Your voice sounds so sad, and it breaks him to know he’s the reason for it. “I love you.”

He opens his eyes and looks over to you. It always made him impossibly happy to hear you say that to him, even though he didn’t deserve it. And he’d always say it back, no matter what.

“I love you too.”

got a request? send it in. i’ll write it. 

[missmentelle]

Hi! I just got fired from my job, which would probably have an impact on even healthy people but when combined with my bipolar disorder and an anxiety disorder, it's a lot. I feel stuck in two modes, either I go to sleep or I have to be doing something and if I'm not doing something I can feel the panic building. What steps should I take to get past this?

Hey, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this! This is an extremely difficult situation for anyone to deal with, and you’re absolutely right that having two serious mental health conditions will make it even more challenging. There are a couple of things that you can be doing to try to get through this situation:

Keep in close communication with your mental health providers. Now is not the time to be coy with your psychiatrist or therapist about how you’re feeling. Be frank about your symptoms, routines and medication. Keep your prescriptions filled, take your medication, and be open to discussing the possibility of adjusting your medication to get you through this bleak period in your life if necessary. Bipolar disorder medication in particular can stop being effective when you’re under extreme stress, and that’s something to watch out for. 

Maintain good physical health. Mental health is extremely responsive to physical health - bipolar disorder in particular - but it can be easy to neglect your physical health when you have a lot going on. Remember to try to eat, drink water, move and sleep. If you need to eat takeout or “easy” meals like cereal and sandwiches just to get some food into you, then that’s what you need to do.

Stick to a daily routine. As I’m sure you already know, a big part of managing bipolar disorder is sticking to a steady daily routine. Wake up at the same time in the mornings, eat at the same times every day, take your medicine at the same time, go to bed at the same time. Becoming unemployed can really mess up your daily rhythm and make it hard to have any kind of routine, but it’s really important that you try. 

Lean on your support network. I know that a lot of people really try hard to be there for their friends and to take care of their friends, but now is the time to let your loved ones take care of you. Don’t be afraid to tell people what you need - whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, help scheduling a therapy appointment, a hot meal, assistance with your job search, or just reassurance that everything is gonna be okay. A lot of people aren’t sure how to support a friend who is going through a tough time, and it’s okay to spell out what you need in black and white terms. 

Find helpful distractions. It’s okay to get a reprieve from your panic by escaping into a video game, movie, television show, book, podcast, or whatever else you enjoy. Just make sure to select something really engrossing that you’re highly interested in; a distraction only works if it’s so engaging that it prevents you from thinking about your problems. Mindless “background noise” isn’t going to cut it. 

Pour yourself into a constructive project. If keeping busy is what gets you through the day, then be busy. And one of the best ways to be busy is to find something to do that is somehow constructive, or something that allows you to express your feelings. Dusting all the windowsills in the house to keep busy is going to get old quickly - try pouring yourself into something a little more positive, like learning an instrument or language, getting fit, starting a blog, taking up art, or anything else you’ve been wanting to do. 

Install mental health apps on your phone. There are more of them out there than ever before, and many of them are free. These apps can help you manage anxiety and mood swings when you’re in a rough spot and don’t have access to therapy, and your phone is the one thing that most people tend to have on them at all times. 

Try to view this as a temporary setback, rather than a failure. You can’t change what happened to you or the diagnoses you have, and you don’t have a lot of control over the way the situation played out - but what you do have control over is your perspective on the situation, and that’s more powerful than you think. Getting fired can feel like an intensely personal rejection, but it’s important to remember that there is much more to you than your ability to generate income. How you earn money is such an uninteresting part of life; it’s your friends, your talents, your strengths, your quirks, and your kindness that make you a complete human being. Remember that setbacks like these may be painful, but they are growing pains - these are things that you go through to come out stronger on the other side. 

Always remember that you are much more than a performance review or a diagnosis or a shitty manager’s opinion of you - you are a whole person who is loved and cared for, and you will overcome this. 

Best of luck to you!

[bemorecronch]

Glass Bird (Jared Kleinman x Gender Neutral Reader)

WARNINGS: heavy mentions of Anxiety, medication. Super fluffy. Just about self-care and how Jared's secretly a softie who loves you. You and Jared had been dating for 4 months, and you'd become that couple. The one that people weren't sure if you were actually dating. You'd throw harmless insults at each other and neither of you were too good with public displays of affection. When you were in private it was usually over at his house a lot because his parents were always working and it was easier to be alone. Since the relationship started it was more friends that had sex rather than a romantic thing. It was comfortable and you'd never been happier. But today was different. Today was shitty. You'd been feeling nervous all morning and had 3 panic attacks in total. You were taking your medication and trying to do what your therapist said. The problem was you didn't have the energy to even try and make yourself better. You wanted to climb under the covers and scream into the void at the same time. So when Jared had asked if you were coming over and you didn't reply, he got worried. “You ok?” His voice was quiet on the phone and you tried your best to put on what you'd labelled as your ‘plastic-voice’ the one you used to convince people you were doing fine. Somehow it never really worked with him, “Yeah! I'm good! You?” You sound bright and he hesitates. You here him moving on the phone, “I'm putting my shoes on. See you in five.” “Wait! Jared I'm…” But he's hung up. You rest your head in your hands because any second he'd be over and be totally repulsed. You look pathetic and weak and he’ll want nothing to do with you. You lye face down on the sofa and shut your eyes; trying to focus on any other sound than the hyper-static noise in your head. You must be worn out after classes because you can sense that over-tired feeling wash over you. The all too familiar fear based adrenaline that was there for seemly no reason and nothing you could channel it toward. You feel like no time has gone by, but 10 minutes later you hear a knock on the door. There's a moment where you consider not answering. You pause with your hand on the door knob for what can only be a few seconds, but feels an awful lot like eternity. The mail slot opens from the other side, “hey asshole I'm not leaving. Either let me in or I'm sleeping in your doorstep.” You try to plaster on a smile as you open the door. He has a basket full on stuff in his arms and charges past you before you can work out what any of it is and places it in the floor. You lock the door and turn to face him, “Jared I'm fine, you don't need to…” you're cut off by a chaste kiss in the lips. He's holding your waist and you feel yourself melt a little. He doesn't let many people see this side of him, but he can be sweet. “Ok. Go take a shower.” So much for sweet. “What?” You look up and he kisses you again, “I'm taking care of you so you have to do what I say. Go take a shower.” You'd usually fight. No one tells you what to do as a matter of principle. But the energy just isn't there. Plus now you think about it you don't actually remember the last time you showered. A mix of general mental health bullshit was effecting your memory and made you feel a little gross. You nod slowly, “but not because you told me.” You whisper and he chuckles, “of course not.” You slowly make your way up the stairs and undress, running the shower hot and climbing in. You wash your hair and start to feel somewhat human. The urge to sit down and cry is still there though, and after 20 minutes there's a light tapping on the door, “you're not masturbating in there are you?” Jared asks and you give a quiet laugh, “just finished.” “Well I uh… I brought you some of my pyjamas because God knows how long live just been wearing those.” You step out and wrap a towel around you before opening the door, he's holding a graphic-T and plaid boxers. He tucks a strand of wet hair behind your ear and he kisses your forehead, “get dry and come down stairs.” You pull him into a light kiss and take the clothes from him, “why are you doing this?” You ask and he smirks “you think I can't tell when you our faking it?” He cocks and eyebrow and forces another laugh out of you, “well shit.” “Exactly. Now go get changed and I'll see you down stairs.” While you'd never admit it to anyone else, you did what you were told. Wrapping your hair into a towel and pulling on his shirt and boxers. The T-shirts a little big on you but it smells fresh and also slightly like his house. Something else you'd never admit is to how comforting the smell of Jared actually was. He'd mock you for weeks if he knew. As you pad down the stairs you see a cup of tea waiting for you and RuPaul on Netflix. There's microwaved noodles on a plate and he smiles when he sees you. You sit on your knees and instantly begin to cry. He wraps his arms around you, kissing your temple. “I'm sorry if I was being bossy- I just know making decisions when your in a bad place makes it worse. I didn't mean to…” He's babbling and you stop him by kissing him lightly. You're still crying so it's a little strange, and you pull away wiping your face, “they're not sad tears.” You're whispering for fear of your voice cracking, “it's not tears of joy… More like, relief.” You're trying to regain yourself and he pulls you to lean on him. He kisses your cheek and you notice he's got that half cocked smile, “you get that its only like, shitty noodles. And this is your Netflix account. Jesus baby you really need to heighten your standards.” You know he's kidding, but you push him a little anyway. He sits behind you and wraps a long, wool blanket around your shoulders. You fight the urge to cry again because he will definitely start mocking you. He presses play but you’re not focuses on the t.v. He's watching and commenting absentmindedly. You rest your head on his chest and yawn, the sound from the t.v echoes around you and you focus in the slow thumping of Jared’s heart. It's steady and slow and you count the beats in your head. “Hey nerd, you need to eat.” He kisses the the top of your head and you can actually feel yourself begin to centre. The adrenaline is lesser and the static is barely audible. You smile at him; an actual smile, “this is the first and last time I do what you tell me.” You comment before sitting forward and eating. He rolls his eyes but there's a grin growing too, “Yeah well apparently Nurse Kleinman knows how to make you feel better.” “Nurse Kleinman? Kinky.” You mutter. He nudges you slightly and laughs. You finish the noodles that were actually pretty good and take your plates into the sink. You start washing automatically and he puts his hand on your shoulder, “I'll do them if you…” You cut him off by kissing him, “you cooked, I'll clean.” You run the tap and let it fill up before scrubbing on the plates. All the while you can feel eyes on you. Usually you wouldn't mind but in your current state it puts you a little on edge, “you don't have to stay and like… Watch me.” He's leaning against the counter and there's a softer look in his eyes, “I just realised… What it would be like living together.” It's quiet and you freeze up. Your stomach drops and your hands support you on the edge of the sink for fear of falling, your breathing increases and the static comes back in a loud and terrible manner. As quick as it happens he has his arms around your waist from behind, “what's wrong?” His hold is strong and safe. The guilt is almost unbearable. But how do you word it without coming across needy, “I… It's… Look. I'm not saying we would be living together but, if you ever did- if we ever… It wouldn't be like this. You wouldn't have to care for me. I'm not some breakable glass bird you'd need to keep putting back together.” It comes out in a ramble and is met by silence. You feel his head rest on your shoulder and lightly kiss your neck, “I meant me cooking and you doing the dishes. We’re being all domestic and I… Liked it. And on the days where one of us has a breakdown; because it will happen, I know the other will be there with noodles and RuPaul.” You inhale, not realising you'd been holding you breath, “oh.” “And for the record,” he spins you around, bubbles flying as your hands cone out of the sink, “I have not, do not and will not see you as a little glass bird. You're one of the strongest people I know. It's actually why I love you.” The panic in his eyes after he realises what he's said is pretty goddamn cute neither if you had ever talked about the word love- much less said to to each other. But you knew how you felt, you kiss him again. It's a little stronger and you feel him relax into it, he holds you tighter as you pull away, “Jared… That's gay as shit.” You can't help but smile as he opens his mouth to retort and no words come out, you wrap your arms around his neck: “but I… I love you too.” You whisper. He kisses you on the forehead again. “I'm gonna dry my hands and we can finish that episode RuPaul?” You ask and he nods and let's go, making his way back to the living room. You quickly dry your hands and grab his shoulder, “Jared?” “Yeah?” You grab his collar and pull him into another kiss. It's deeper and you run your hands through his hair before trailing them down his neck and cupping his jaw. He's wrapped his arms completely around you and as you pull away he's still leaning in. His glasses have fogged a little and he looks completely caught off guard. You take his hands, “thank you for today. I… I really needed this.”

[mikepemulis]

*hands you motivation in a jar and pokes you to go write* Your writing is amazing and I can't wait to read more! I don't really know what prompts you're looking for but I'm always a sucker for Murphy siblings content :D Or dancing!Connor

this was going to be fluffy and then it like ultra was not. upside, i might continue it though and give it a happy ending later. also there’s dancing connor and murphy siblings soooo

(An Attempt To) Grab A Scoop

Connor Murphy x Evan Hansen (implied/set up), Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy being platonic best friends

Rating: T (swearing, angst)

Word Count: 1725

In the moments before he was murdered by Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen took a minute to exam all the mistakes that had lead him to this point. 

He could blame Zoe Murphy, for inviting him out with her after the Jazz Band concert. He’d had to interview Zoe after the concert for the school newspaper, and she’d invited him out for celebratory ice cream. He could blame Jared Kleinman, for being the reason he was at the Jazz Band concert in the first place. Evan wasn’t technically a reporter for the school newspaper, he wrote think pieces and occasionally helped out on the advice column. Jared was supposed to report on the Jazz Band concert, but he’d gotten sick and forced Evan to go. He could blame Alana Beck, for convincing him to join the school newspaper in the first place. He’d made the mistake of saying how his mom wanted him to join an extracurricular around Alana. She’d all but dragged him to the English classroom that served as the newspaper headquarters. He could blame his therapist, for telling his mom that he needed to join an extracurricular. He could blame his mom, for making him go to therapy. 

Or, he could blame himself, for being such a colossal fuck up that he worried his poor mother to the point that she needed to pay for him to go to therapy, even though she already was tight on money because she had to raise him all on her own, because his dad had left because Evan was just too much of burden, so really, this whole thing was Evan’s fault, and he’d been leading up to being killed by Connor Murphy since the day he was born. 

After she’d convinced Evan to get ice cream with her, Zoe had confessed that she’d needed to pick up her brother first. Connor had apparently texted her, saying he’d been working late and needed a ride. Zoe assured Evan that it wouldn’t be a big deal, and that she would just drop him off at their house, he didn’t have to actually come out with them, and please Evan, don’t let my brother ruin this, and Evan thought for a second that maybe, perfect, shining, talented Zoe Murphy was almost as lonely as he was; but then when they’d pulled into the parking lot, she’d gotten a phone call from her mother and sighed, mumbling that this would take a while, and will you please just run in and grab Connor? 

Evan, who had the inability to say no, nodded slightly and with shaking legs, exited Zoe’s tiny yellow bug, facing the frigid November air. He glanced across the dark parking lot to lay eyes on the building where Connor worked. 

“Ms. Marya’s Dance Academy.” 

Of all the places Evan had expected Connor to work, a dance studio had not even entered the realm of possibility. He walked slowly towards the flickering neon light, the outline of a petite girl in a bun and tutu accompanying the pink lettering. He pulled open the door to the studio, ringing a faint bell. There was no one at the reception counter, or in the waiting room. At the end of the hall, he heard the faint sounds of music. Evan walked towards the sounds, careful not to make any noise. He shivered at the sight of all of the darkened dance studios. The whole atmosphere was creepy, like something out of a low budget Youtube horror film. The hallway ended with an open door, leading to a brightly lit studio. 

Connor Murphy stood in the studio, dressed in a skin tight black leotard with his hair pulled into a tight bun. Pink pointe shoes wrapped up his legs. Vivaldi blasted from the speakers. His eyes were closed as he gracefully leaped off the ground, landing in an artful crouch that drew far too much attention to his long, graceful legs. Evan’s heart beat at an unexpectedly fast rate. He had never seen Connor so content. He had never realized how nimble and elegant he was. He was beautiful. 

Then his eyes snapped open and filled with his ten times his usual rage. He lunged at Evan, slamming him up against the wall, hand pulled back about to punch him. 

“Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing here! I’ll fucking kill you!” It was in this moment that Evan realized everything in his life had been leading up to being murdered by Connor, and that it was all his own fault. If only he could be a normal fucking person, he wouldn’t be on the verge of brutalization via a stunningly attractive sociopath. 

“CONNOR!” Zoe’s voice bounced off the walls, angry and commanding. “What the fuck!?” 

Connor’s grip relaxed slightly, but his voice remained steely. “Who is this kid? Is he with you? Is this your idea of a fucking date night, Zoe. To bring your little boyfriend out to laugh at your crazy faggot brother who works at a dance studio?”

“No!” Zoe said. She sounded offended, and maybe a little bit sad, that her brother would think of her like that. Evan remembered how lonely she looked when she realized he was the only one who’d come to see her after her Jazz Band performance. 

“Then what the fuck are you doing here!?” 

Zoe was on the verge of tears. “You… you asked me to come pick you up,” She said, her voice shattered and broken. 

“I didn’t say you could bring a fucking date!” 

“He’s not my boyfriend! He’s my friend! I’m allowed to have friends, Connor! Maybe you’d be more used to it if you didn’t scare them all off!” 

Connor released Evan. “Fuck you,” He said to Zoe, though his voice lacked its usual vitriol. Evan scurried away from Connor. He met Zoe in the doorway. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes were glassy. 

“I can take you home if you want,” She said, defeated. 

“No!” Evan said, even though all he wanted to do was go home. “We’re getting ice cream! To celebrate your performance!” 

Connor met up with them, a bag slung over his shoulder and a towel around his neck. His hair was down and his arms were crossed. He stared sullenly at his shoes, which were now heavy combat boots. “What performance?” He asked.

Zoe shoved her hands in her pockets. “I had a Jazz Band concert tonight…” She said, trying to sound casual. Connor stopped. He looked up, something undefinable in his eyes. 

“Oh,” He said. “What… what did Larry and Cynthia think?”

Zoe looked down. “They weren’t there.”

“Oh… Zoe I -”

“You don’t have to pretend you care, Connor. You weren’t there either.”

Sadness flickered across Connor’s profile, but before it could take any sort of hold, he shut his eyes and let his face harden. 

The three of them walked back to Zoe’s car in silence. Evan wondered if everyone else could hear his heart beating. He wished Zoe hadn’t parked so far away from the studio. It felt like the trek to her bug would take hours. 

Once they reached the car, Zoe silently slid into the front seat, slamming the door shut. Evan reached for the passenger seat door handle, but Connor grabbed his elbow and yanked it away, twisting Evan so that the two of them were uncomfortably close. Through the cold air, Evan could feel Connor’s body radiate heat. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor said, spitting the words out like they were made of acid. 

“Wha… um… what?” 

“I’m sorry for earlier. I was… I just… I’m not going to fucking say it again, Hansen.”

“H-How… you um… y-you know m-my name?” 

Connor’s scowl deepened. “Jesus Christ. Look, let’s just be done with this conversation. It is way too fucking cold out here for all of your… just… for you.” 

He released Evan, causing him to stumble back a bit. He needed to take a second to get his bearings. Connor had apologized. Connor knew his name. Connor’s eyes were two different colors. 

“And… Hansen?” Connor said, with his hand on the car door. His voice was quiet and bitter. “Thank you. For showing up. For her.”  

Evan opened his mouth to say something, but Connor quickly climbed in the car. Evan followed suit. 

The silence during the car ride to the Murphy house was heavy. Zoe pulled up in front of their obnoxiously large estate, and Connor climbed out wordlessly, slamming the door shut behind him. 

“I… Ice c-cream?” Evan asked weakly once he had gone. Zoe stared at him, and then burst into tears, resting her head on the steering wheel. 

“No one… no one came. My mom didn’t even… she called asking why I was out so late… I told them! I told them all over and over again but they were too busy screaming at him or about him to hear.” She sat up, and slammed her hand against the dashboard. “And he’s such a fucking asshole!” Her face was a mess of partially frozen tears and snot. “He asked me… I was just trying to be a good sister! I never miss his fucking dance recitals. Even if no one else comes, even when one of them was on the same night as homecoming… I don’t understand.” A fresh stream of tears fell down her face. “Why does he hate me so much?” 

There was so much that Evan wanted to say. He wanted to tell her that Connor didn’t hate her. He wanted to tell her what he’d said out in front of the dance studio. He wanted to tell her that she was so kind and so loving and no one in her shitty family deserved her, but instead he just sat there and watched her cry. After far too long of doing nothing, he reached over and wrapped his arms around her. She relaxed into his body, sighing at the touch. 

“I’m sorry…” She said, her voice garbled from crying. “I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna take you home. We’ll get ice cream soon though, alright? I promise.”

“O-Okay, Zoe,” Evan said, rubbing her back. “Soon.” He stared at the dark and imposing house, wondering what could go on behind its walls that it could produce two utterly different yet completely broken children.