#I'm not your mental health professional though caveat caveat caveat

[noisepartythumpingmusic]

This quote from a recently published book for mental health professionals on the topic of assessing adult Autistic people is something that is important for many people to read.

"Within the Autistic community, self-identification is fully accepted as valid. For example, to access community-led support or social groups, if someone says they are Autistic, they are Autistic. Many Autistic people say that you don't need to go to a doctor to be told you are gay, so why would you need to be told you are Autistic?"

pg 70 from The Adult Autist Assessment Handbook: A Neurodiveristy-Affirmative Approach by Hartman, O'Donnell-Killen, Doyle, Kavanagh, Day and Azevedo (2023)

[aerodaltonimperial]

I believe that everyone should evaluate relationships when those relationships are not working for them any longer, and that means it's one of those times that I have to do the same for myself in fandom, so.

As a caveat, I have a really fraught relationship with writing. If you've followed me for awhile you've probably started to put the pieces together, but yes, I do try to do it professionally, and no, it's not going well. Like, at all. Like, I'm actually really bad at it. Fantastically, laughably bad at it. And I've been trying to be successful for well over a decade, and at this point, fic is the only positive association I've got with writing at all. So my involvement in fandom is already colored by my failures outside of fandom, and it sucks that all of that ends up bleeding into this. But those failures are, unfortunately, huge, and equally unfortunately, massive issues inside my self-confidence.

But I genuinely love being part of fandom. I've been in fandoms since I was 14 years old, for about 25 years of my life. I love being a part of the fandom environment, and I love the interaction, and I love the enthusiasm and flailing and just adoring whatever the source material is. Fandom is, honestly, one of the biggest things in my life, and it has been since I was a teenager, and I don't see that changing any time soon. And typically, I give 150% in fandom! I LOVE being part of it and creating things, and that's just something I've always loved doing, always used my time on. I know that I cultivate kind of a reputation of being CAPSLOCKY and flaily and just very excited about stuff and that's awesome, I love that I get to be so unfiltered and myself in fandom spaces because I feel like I always have to temper myself down in the "real world!"

But. I just don't think I can be the same in fandom any longer, not like this. I've been burned by people I thought were friends, and it's starting to feel like a very unequal distribution of enthusiasm, and I've got a full-time job and a young kid and I already have very little time for myself. It starts to feel really shitty when I'm giving so much of that time and it's just no longer coming back. And this is fine! Fandom ebbs and flows and that's just life; that's the nature of following something that involves real people, you know? Haha, things change and the source material shifts, and that's how it works. But I also know myself and my relationship with writing and self-confidence, and I know enough to know I can't keep doing this. When I start crying about fandom, it's time to step back. When fandom feels like throwing my time and love and energy into a black hole, it's time to step back. It's not good for my mental health any longer. I get too much silence and failure in real life, the last thing I need is to heap more on myself.

Again, this isn't anyone's fault! It's the nature of the beast. I brought a lot of this on myself by stepping away from half of the pairing that I really spearheaded in this fandom, and I'll own that. I don't regret that, even though that was when a lot of people also stepped away from me. And it's like, that's cool. I'm not making what you want any longer, and that content was what I was good for. But it's time for me to start conserving my energy as best I can, because I am still trying to (stupidly, fruitlessly) be successful in real life aspects of this dumb word-making hobby. So if you no longer see me showing up with silly capslock and excitement on your stuff, I'm sorry. I know that people liked it, and I was happy to give it out when I could. I'm happy with how I contributed to fandom during the boom, and I'm happy with who I was in the fandom. I'm still here, still watching, still obsessed, but I'm really stepping away from the creation/interaction side.

And maybe I'll feel better and start writing again and maybe I won't, and that's okay, too. I just didn't want people to think that I hated them or what they were creating because I'm not sliding into comments the way I used to. 💚 Anyway. Been quite a ride. I guess at the end of the day, I hope that I wrote something that you really liked, and that I was able to make you feel really warm and happy inside if you also wrote fic or made art. That's the impression I'd like to leave on people. 💚

[txemrn]

I am sorry but I respectfully disagree with your rationale for Ethan and MC’s relationship and particularly age gap being a barrier. In the game, nowhere does it say that the age gap is 10 years. It’s a natural conclusion but medical students and residents come in all ages. While there is an age gap, the length of it depends on the background one would presumably create for their MC.

I know you mentioned in your post that you don’t understand other people’s supposed OOC approach to Ethan. And that is your right. But even with the caveat you added to your response to that anon, the words you used to denigrate other people’s MC and Ethan relationship dynamics and experiences was insulting to those creators.

Hey, anon!

Thank you so much for coming directly to me and sharing your thoughts with me.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to go through this point by point.

You're right in that we don't know how old MC is in canon. Also, residents do come in all ages. Some people go straight through school after high school; some immediately go to making money and working after high school. Some people serve in our military while others go to school for a completely different career and choose to go to med school at a different time.

My concern wasn't age (even though it is a small factor); my concern for MC was her stage in life. A novice. Inexperienced. Hey, we all start out there one way or another, but we are talking about doctors here. I would never put them on a pedestal in comparison to other vocations, but they are a different breed, and an intern is unbelievably different from a well-seasoned diagnostician. That's all I was trying to say.

🚨TRIGGER WARNING🚨 (discussion of mental health)

This will probably be my only chance to explain myself, so I hope you don't mind if I use this opportunity to discuss my words and my intentions. I really do appreciate it.

In my original post, I wrote that I was "naturally curious why some may write these characters so OOC." I have been an active part of the Choices fandom for over 2.5 years, and I have seen all sorts of stories and stretches of the imagination. I do not say this flippantly or with disgust, but that we have a very creative fandom, and I want to know why people decide to go certain directions.

When I wrote out those descriptions of what people have done to LIs and MCs, I truly have no idea who specifically in the Open Heart fandom writes like this (I've only been writing OPH for about a year, and I'm on the outskirts of this fandom). I was thinking of what I have seen (and I have written myself) in the TNA and TRR fandoms, and they get awfully fluffy and awfully angsty and awfully OOC. I figured this must exist here.

What I have learned in my time here on Tumblr is that sometimes people make their LIs and their MCs and OCs OOC because it helps them cope (I'd like to reiterate 'sometimes'). It makes them feel good. Some people are obsessed with specific tropes because it makes them so happy. However, I have had the privilege of meeting people here who are either in terrible situations or they have been rescued from terrible situations, and it shows in their writing.

As an example, I personally write a lot of angsty situations. I have been asked all sorts of questions (some quite inappropriate) about my childhood because of my love of creating more emotional stories.

The point of all of this is some of these stories do come from darker places. I love that we have the gift of fanfiction to help some people cope and to get through those hard times. But, like I said before, "I just hope that if these stories are stemming from a sad or angry place IRL, I hope they are getting the help they need." Mental health is not something I would ever joke about. I truly do hope that the person who has darker thoughts and it spills it out into their writing: I hope they are reaching out to get help, whether that is talking to someone (a professional), joining a support group, or maybe even enlisting the help of a doctor and/or medications. My comment came from a place of genuine concern.

Now, having said that, to the creators I have offended, I would love the opportunity to talk with you and apologize. My intentions were never, ever to insult anyone. If you are one of those individuals reading this right now, I understand that you might not feel comfortable approaching me, and I understand. Please know that I would love to make this right, and I'm here to listen.

Anon, thank you so much for being brave and being honest with me. I really do appreciate your "ask" and your kindness.