#I'm not sure I'm alive anymore really—no
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Don't think you understand
Summary: Quinn can't get ahold of his feelings, which leads him to push you away unintentionally.
Track 8 of short n' sweet - dumb & poetic
Warning! Slight miscommunication
A/N: This does have a happy ending :) and it's short. I apologize for that!! I just wanted to post something for the short n sweet masterlist(been delaying it)
And I gave you guys a bridgerton love confession kinda so enjoy that lmao
You haven't talked to him in weeks. The man was your best friend and you haven't talked to him in two months, how did this even happen?
Hmm, maybe when you had confessed your feelings to Quinn around the same time, you left without an answer, analyzing the blank look on his face, bringing enough of one for you.
This was your fifth tub of ice cream in two weeks, while on a call with Luke(and Jack, who also joined the supposed gossip session).
"Wait, so let me get this straight." Jack said, collecting his thoughts. "You told him you were in love with him, and he didn't say anything or have any reaction which led to you two not talking anymore?"
"Well, it certainly helps hearing it out loud." You grumbled.
"Sorry! I just need to recap so I know why I have to slap him when I next see him." Jack mutters the last part.
"You know, for him being the oldest, he sure is stupid." Luke chuckles.
"Pretty sure I'm the stupid one here, I mean, I thought he actually liked me back." You smiled Sadly.
"You think he doesn't like you in that way?" Jack asked, you nodded.
"Yeah, no, Quinn's definitely in love with you, Y/N. Have you seen the way he looks at you? The way his eyes seem to shine brighter when he talks about you." Luke shrugged.
"Okay, now you guys are feeding into my delusions." You rolled your eyes. "I lost my best friend because I couldn't control my feelings about him. And now I'm sitting on my kitchen floor, crying to Conan Gray while eating Ben & Jerry's."
There was a sudden knock on your door. Who could that be? It was late in the night in Vancouver.
"I'll be right back guys, don't hang up." You warned.
You walked up to the door and looked through the peephole and saw the man of the house standing on the other side. You unlocked it. How could you not?
"Quinn? What are you doin-?" You were cut off with Quinn kissing you passionately. You melted in the kiss before slowly breaking apart.
"I'm in love with you too." Quinn confessed. "I think I've been in love with you the moment I saw you falling off the swing when we were kids, if I'm being honest. It's very easy to fall in love with someone as special, charming, kind, heartless, caring, and comforting as you. I can't imagine being with anyone else other than you. And I don't even want to think about how sorry I am for not realizing it until now. But I love you Y/N, and I don't think I can ever stop - No, I know that I can't and won't."
Now it your time to be in shock.
"I understand if I'm too late, I just wanted you to know. I'm sorry for kissing you. I just wanted to know what it felt if it was the only time -" You cut Quinn off by kissing him.
"I love you too." You whispered. "Gosh you're so dumb and poetic."
Quinn chuckles. "What does that even mean?" He followed you into the house.
"Y/N!!! Did you get kidnapped? Omg Luke what if we gotta call the cops and tell them what happened and we gotta tell them she was crying about our idiotic brother-"
"Jack shut up." Luke looked at his brother bewildered.
"I'm just saying, could be a possibility." Jack mutters.
"I'm not dead guys." You picked up the phone.
"Y/N! You're alive. What happened? Who was at the door?" Luke asked, Jack chuckling behind him.
"Oh you know just this really hot guy." You answered simply.
"Okay? How hot was he? Is he gonna make you get over Quinn?" Jack asked.
"Very hot and no." You answered.
Quinn came into frame behind you, kissing you on your neck.
Jack and Luke's jaw drops. "No way!" "What the hell?"
"There are children present in this conversation, you guys are disgusting." Jack gestured to Luke who shoved him in response. "I'm 21!"
"Bye guys." Quinn hung up the phone.
"That was rude, you know." You looked back at him.
"I know, I just wanted to kiss you without them bickering." Quinn mumbles.
"And to think I was just crying over you not too long ago." You recalled.
"I'll make up for every tear you shed for my stupidity, I promise." Quinn's nose brushes yours.
"I know you will." You leaned in closer.
#luke hughes#nhl imagine#nhl#nhl hockey#nhl players#jack hughes#verycoolusername1#quinn hughes#quinn hughes fanfiction#quinn hughes blurb#quinn hughes x reader#quinn hughes imagine#qh43#vancouver canucks
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Nnoitra Gilga thinks Tousen is pathetic, weak, and a coward.
He also thinks, though he'd never say it out loud, that Grimmjow is maybe kinda sorta half-right about him having teeth somewhere in there and that the shinigami is a looming menace.
Nnoitra is great at holding mutually exclusive opinions because the amount of thought he gives them begins and ends with if the words he's saying will give him an advantage in whatever argument he's having.
Nnoitra can't take the guy seriously- he's even shorter than Ulquiorra, an arrancar Nnoitra is reasonably sure he could stuff into a suitcase if needed. He looks like a bug from where Nnoitra towers over him.
...On the other hand, Tousen is 5'3" and a Captain. Nnoitra's seen just enough of what they can do to know that while someone might be able to GET the job by dumb luck or nepotism, KEEPING it is a matter of strength and brutality. He's also seen the hole Barragan tries to hide with his crown and the way Nel used to politely defer to his decisions, even when she didn't have to. To be able to pull off feats like that and command that kind of respect as his size? Tousen MUST have the power to back it up.
Really rude of the universe to give someone that short that much ass-kinking ability. Offensive, even.
Then again, Tousen is kind of a wimp- he's constantly panting like he's just run a marathon, or lying down for naps in the weirdest places (and Damn both Nel and Hallibel for somehow always hanging around nearby any time he spotted the shinigami in his latest Nap Hole). Tousen doesn't eat, and barely sleeps. He's a weak and sickly creature that should have been put out of his misery ages ago.
...and yet, he's still here. It's obvious that something is terribly wrong with Tousen's body- it's practically falling apart under him and somehow, he isn't dead yet. He doesn't seem to notice pain anymore. Tesra says that an adjuchas, he watched Tousen pick up a red-hot bolt that had fallen from where someone was welding on the scaffholds above during the Dome's construction and held it for a solid ten seconds before he seemed to notice it was burning him, and causally deposited it in a bucket of water. All without interruption to his delivery of Aizen's marching orders. Does he not feel pain?
Or worse, does he not care?
Can't be that, Tousen is as nauseatingly gentle and kind as they come, to Nnoitra's eye. He lets that idiot Wonderweiss and that brat Lilynette hang around him all the time, and even seems to enjoy their company? Who likes being around KIDS? What a dipshit. Then there's how he treats that ugly bitch Charlotte like she's an actual female- At first, Nnoitra thought it was because the poor bastard couldn't see what that freak looked like and it was HILARIOUS. ...But when Nnoitra decided to drop Tousen a hint just to see how disgusted he'd be, the shinigami just Smirked and said "I'm aware, Mr. Gilga. She and I have that in common." A truly baffling thing to say that Nnoitra lost more than a few nights trying to work out to no avail. Wierdo.
...but Nnoitra still has nightmares about the time Tousen came back from a trip to the desert and nearly flayed him alive for what he'd done to Nel. It wasn't a secret- he'd positively bragged about (most of) the battle to Aizen to explain why he should be promoted to third Espada in her place. ...But somehow Tousen knew that Nel had regressed to infancy instead of dying and he SNAPPED. Later when Paramia and Rudbourne were sewing him back together, Halibel told him that they only found enough of his body to sew back together was because she was able to follow the scent of still-fresh blood through the carnage.
"What was that old saying 'beware the wrath of a gentle man'?" she asked between bites of the dozen 'spare' arms Nnoitra had lost and regrown before Aizen intervened and finally stopped him with a dozen high-level bakudo spells.
Dude was SCARY when angry.
---
The truth is that Nnoitra isn't capable about thinking about anyone besides himself. Everything he admires in Tousen- the power, the stoicism, the terror he could inflict- is something he wishes he had himself. Everything he despises in Tousen- the vulnerability, the humor, the lack of dignity in his appearance- is something he despises about himself.
It's no wonder that the closest thing Nnoitra has a to a friend is Aizen, a man whose ability is confusing people with hyperaggressive self-reflection. Nnoitra needs all the help he can get.
AEIWAM Question: What do the various Espada Think of Tousen? Follow-up question, will they, the bunch of dumbasses that they are (because Aizen made them for loyalty, not thinking), declare him their unquestioned leader once Aizen, Gin and Urloquia fork off to see the cosmic taffy pull (also presuming that Barrigan winds up face down in a ditch per canon)?
Bless you for asking this, I needed something to chew on. I'm going to answer these one at a time because the post would be insanely long, and how the thought of him Before the Battle of Karakura Probably:
---
Aaroniero and Arruruerie are SURE they've met before, and that they owes the man a debt of gratitude.
It's possible, they suppose. They have consumed and absorbed the memories of so many hollows that maybe they remember the face from a hollow he killed.
At least, that's what they hope is going on.
But they have Nightmares. Not of being pursued by Shinigami but of being the Shinigami in hot pursuit. Dreams of walking through a city, surrounded by humans that adore them. Names and Faces- Rukia and her dipshit older brother, Jushiro with the nice couch they sometimes pass out on after long nights- if Jushiro's husband wasn't already there. ...Memories, of meeting each other, and falling in love. How it felt as natural to look up to her as it was to gaze at the moon. How waking up to him felt as natural as the dawn. Memories of being married by Captain Ukitake, after Tousen had done them the inexplicable favor of organizing the whole party and acquiring wedding rings. He loves organizing things for people. Ukitake had smiled. Especially weddings. I just hope it's not guilt from the one he didn't get to. His husband had frowned.
That's impossible, of course. They know who they are, how they arose from the vile muck in the shadowy pits of Hueco Mundo. They never stood in the sun one late afternoon, to marry, not with how it burns.
...and yet.
There's no harm in being polite, right? They don't mind locking Glottineria in it's scabbard with an audible click when he comes into the room, to affirm lack of hostilities. Or giving him the cup of tea Aizen gives everyone at his insufferable meetings afterwards- it's not like they can drink it! ...And if sometimes, when they've been working late in the lab studying the effects and causes of Hollowfication, when Tousen gets tired and starts to call them "Kaien" and "Miyako"-
-Well, what's the harm in answering in the voices he expects to hear?
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Incorrect quotes because I'm worried about how many people are gonna lose their last life this session
Pearl: How do you do that? Tango: I'm fearless. Scott: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad. Tango: I'm mostly fearless.
Jimmy: Hi- Martyn: Leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass.
BigB: It’s not gonna work, I’m not a snitch. Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with. BigB: Lmao, @ Impulse.
Etho as a child: I can’t wait to grow up and have cool adventures! Etho now: I can’t wait to go to bed.
Scar: I don’t even use tubberware anymore. Skizz: What are you saying? Say it again. Scar: Tubberware. Skizz: Say it again. Slow. Scar: Tubberware. Skizz: Slow, very slow - actually, say the first syllable. Scar: Tub. Skizz: Wrong. Scar: What do you mean, wrong? Skizz: I thought I caught that. You’re saying tub. It’s P. Scar: What are you talking about? Skizz: Tupperware. Tupper. Scar: It’s tupper! Skizz: It’s tupper, always has been, always will be. Scar: I thought it was tubberware because it kind of looks like a tub.
Scott: Why are you doing this? Cleo: Same reason I do everything, Scott. To get somebody to like me.
Joel: Do you even know what an amulet is? Grian: Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions! Joel: Grian, those are omelettes. Grian: Oh. Then I’ve got nothing.
Pearl: Guys it’s a shooting star, let’s make a wish! Mumbo: I wish for good grades. Etho: Nerd. Mumbo: Nevermind, I wish upon the shooting star to fall down at a 30° velocity aiming for Etho. :) Pearl: Mumbo…
Martyn: *pulls back the curtain while Jimmy is showering* Martyn: Hey did we - stop screaming it’s me - did we run out of Cheerios?
Lizzie, about Joel: Can I tell them they look nice? Cleo: Sure. Lizzie: Can I tell them I respect them? Cleo: Maybe, if they ask. Lizzie: Should I show them an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our three cats and four dogs? Cleo: … Cleo: I’d save that for later.
Grian, sniffling: Calm down, I’m probably not sick. It might just be allergies. Jimmy: Okay, tell me this: are you like, really tired? Grian: I have depression, what do you think?
Pearl: I started school with straight A’s. Now I’m not even straight.
Bdubs: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies? Cleo: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials. Gem: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby. BigB: Rock also defeats baby.
BigB: I dare you- Skizz: Scar is not allowed to accept dares anymore. BigB: Why not? Scar: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.
Scott: Don’t preach to me about romance, Joel. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.
Tango, to Lizzie: You know, BigB can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching. Tango: *blows airhorn at BigB* GET FUCKED!
Mumbo: What language do they speak at the center of the earth? Mumbo: Core-ean Joel: The center of the earth is arond 5430 degrees Celsius! Nobody is going to live there so they don’t need a language! Impulse: Core-ean.
*the Squad cleaning up* Etho: Pick up the nearest piece of trash and throw it away. Pearl, to Tango: Aight, which bin do you wanna go in—
Mumbo: You're ugly. BigB: Tone indicator? Mumbo: Oh I'm sorry! You're ugly. /srs
Tango: Cleo... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor? Cleo: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned. Tango: Tango: I wrote sanitize, Cleo.
Gem, to Impulse: Are you peanuts? Because I want to boil you alive.
Grian: May luck (and this picture of Scott eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.
Etho: You have Crayons? Grian: Yes, I have— Etho: You're— how old are you? Grian: YES I AM AN ADULT AND I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OKAY? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS.
#grian#gtws#bdouble0#ethoslab#inthelittlewood#smajor1995#jimmy solidarity#tangotek#smallishbeans#ldshadowlady#skizzleman#impulsesv#mumbo jumbo#bigbstatz#geminitay#pearlescentmoon#zombiecleo#renthedog#trafficblr#incorrect quotes#enjoy💜💜💜
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have you heard baccano! is going to be getting official audiobooks through yen press?
(Nov 2023—question asked).
I've bought both the audiobooks of Volumes 1 and 2. The first, out of obligation. The second, also out of obligation. Honestly, I'm wondering whether I'll keep it up. Each audiobook is about $26 in American dollars. I have sunk a lot of money into Baccano! already, oop, we can admit that most of that money hasn't ever reached the chaps in Dengeki Bunko, or those FUNimation fellows, and I suppose one question is whether I'm willing to continue doinotg so.
"Put the money where it counts," eh?
(I've already paid for both the physical and electronic versions of these books. Now, audiobooks... Four audiobooks are one hundred a pop...? Argh.)
Monetary support is what demonstrates there's fan interest in the series surviving. Wah-hoh. You ask me about the audiobbooks? I was shocked by their happening.
I don't know anything about Yen Press' financial strategies concerning which series warrant audiobooks and which don't. Perhaps I know little about the correlation between audiobook greenlighting and sales in general. I mean, Yen Press refuses to reprint early Baccano! volumes, and now they're releasing audiobooks.
I'll tell you this: Murray giving Isaac and Miria posh accents is a little bit hysterical, by which I mean that it amuses me greatly. Sure, perhaps Isaac is implied to have Rich origins, but m'golly, the poshness of Isaac and Miria in the audiobook certainly offers a different veneer of perspective.
#baccano!#still thinking about some Asks asked years ago#still considering some fic drafts--they that are festering there#I'm not sure I'm alive anymore really—no#that is a --not fatuous-- self-centered thing to say#I am aging and I have neglected this as I neglect everything#Wrote 40000 words in one swoop last December but unfortunately those words were shite and I stare at the doc and don't know how it ends#anonymous#asked and answered#Is it painful to listen to the audiobooks? Maybe?#I'm older than I was. Perhaps it all seems a bit more juvenile than it was.#Ah--but there were real ideas in there. I still have draft-responses to asks and draft fics left waiting.#Kaboom.
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Aaaaannd I got my hands on/found the messages of a few more!
Part 2!!
#1-A: "At the end of it all, I'm happy that I could convey my love." (Nothing better than having Yui say she loves you. I think I might ascend.😭😭😭💘💘💘)
#3-C: “If you drink anymore, I’ll be in real trouble…!” (Already had the message translation in the previous post but now adding the picture)
#2-A: "I'll tell you every day. I hope you'll understand how much I love you." (My girlfriend is actively trying to give me a heart attack and I am enjoying it greatly💘💘💘💘💘😭)
#3-C: "I'd like it if went somewhere together next time." (Of course we can!! It can be every day too! Please can it be every day?🥺)
The message for #4-A is: 「いつもより距離が近いとなんだかどきどきするかも……!」 “When we're closer than usual, it makes me kind of nervous...!” (Oh believe me, you're not the only one with the dokidokis in that situation >/////<)
#4-C: "What a surprise! I have a feeling something interesting will happen today." (Ehehe... I think giving Yui surprise presents would be fun☺️)
#4-D: “There’s no way I’d forget the memories we made today.” (Also re-posted with picture)
For #6-A, the message is: 「ちゃんと私のことを想ってくれてるって、わかってるよ。」 "I can tell that you truly care for me." (😭😭😭😭😭😭 I really really really do!!! More than I could ever put in words.)
#6-B: "I hope you know that I love you." (OMGGGGGGG😭😭😭😭 AHHKDSADGJGJHSDA)
#7-A: "I hope we can always be together. I love you too, always and forever." (HOLY is this allowed? Am I allowed this much happiness??? DID I DIE AND GO TO HEAVEN???? Was I finally done in by too much Yui goodness???)
#7-B: "It's the day of our marriage. I'm sure it'll become a precious memory...!" (Ok still alive😭 But omgomgomgomg she actually said we're getting married. This is it, it's happening and I'm already imagining our life together.💍 I say this like I haven't been for a very long time already lol)
Now the only message that remains unknown is #2-B... If anyone has it or knows what it is...don't be shy. Please help a girl out!!🙏🙏🙏
Another $500 of Yui merch😅
And translations of all the message cards I have under the cut!
However, due to Gacha BS I still somehow didn't get about half the messages despite ordering 65 whole cards??? That's half the value of the order?? There should be 28 total, and even accounting for unspoken rarity bs (wtf rejet??) that I did know about when deciding how to order this is just weird... Like, I'm still missing one D rarity card despite FORTY out of all the cards being Ds. WTF???
Anyway, on to the translations!
#1-B: "I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm sure it'll work out!" (😭😭😭 Yui always with saying exactly what I need to hear and making we not just believe it, but want to make it happen. For her. Specifically.)
Saw a picture of #1-C, and the message/translation is: 「これ以上吸われたら 困っちゃうよ……!」 "If you drink anymore, I'll be in real trouble...!" (I like to think she says this to mess with Amaya sometimes because she would JUMP in the cutest way (in Yui's opinion lol)😂)
#1-D: "Are you trying to cheer me up?" (Is it working? *eyebrow wiggle*😉heehee)
#2-C: "...Are you worrying about me?" (Always😭😭 But somehow, she does always make me feel like no matter what, everything will be okay. (See 1-B))
#2-D: "I can tell how kind you are." (Because of you, always. You're the one who makes me want to be better.🥺)
#3-A: "I'm really looking forward to going shopping with everyone!" (Server buddies!! You heard Yui, we're going on a shopping group date, asap!!😁😁) (Also, why was this 4/5 of my As? I do love her expression in this but I really couldn't get to see more of the other ones? 😭)
#3-B: "Were you keeping me in mind...!?" (You're on my mind virtually every moment of my life.😊)
#4-D: "I'm glad that you seem to be having fun!" (How could I not have fun getting messages from you!❤️)
#4-B: "I never said you could drink from anywhere!?" (She's messing with Amaya again lmao)
Also saw a picture of #4-D, which is: 「今日の思い出も、絶対に忘れないよ。」 "There's no way I'd forget the memories we made today." (Neither will I. Every moment with you is priceless.)
#5-A: "Maybe I should try saying 'I love you' too?" (KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!😍😍😍😍)
#5-B: "I wanted to spend today with you no matter what." (We can spend as many days together as you want!!)
#5-C: "I'm plenty happy just being with you." (The feeling is mutual😭😭😭)
#5-D: "You're going to drink from there too...!?" (Yui, you are going to kill your girlfriend with the teasing😂)
#6-C: "Maybe I'll tease you once in a while?" (Ngl I was legit combusting for a few minutes when I saw this one. Anyway if you doubted my previous assessments, yeah no. It's canon. She would.😂 Also it's the design where she has the fangs??? omg... >///////<)
#6-D: "I'd be happy if we could spend every day together." (Yui said Every Day Means Every Day and I am helpless but to oblige😁)
#7-C: "This might be a little embarrassing...! Does it suit me?" (ABSOLUTELY!!!😭😭😭 You look perfect in anything because you're the more beautiful person to ever exist🙇🙇🙇)
#7-D: ""We'll always be together. Promise?" (YES!!!!! ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!! YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! 💕💕❤️💍❤️😍💘😍❤️💍❤️💕💕 and I have 14 copies of this card to show for it!!!)
Aaaaand that's everything I have! (btw I used my sasakoi tote bag as the photo taking background lmao. What? It works. Can't escape from the yuri in my house😂) Will try to update this if I ever manage to buy the missing ones on resale or come across pictures on the interwebs!🫡
#yui komori#diabolik lovers#Yui is doing her damn best to make my heart explode#and it's working❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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all this to say objectively speaking i know i should try to continue going to therapy but she can't see me outside of my work hours so it will be a whole process of asking my boss and maybe i actually won't be able to work full time bc of that and i. don't wanna. also even if i could go i'm not even sure it would do anything at this point because i'm so bad at talking about the things that are actually a problem and i KNOW i should work on that but seeing how the last few times went i'm not sure it's entirely my fault either
#like ok maybe the fact that i can't outright say 'i'm wondering if i'm depressed and i'm thinking about killing myself a lot' is on me BUT.#i did try to do the 'describe the symptoms without outright giving an explanatory label' thing and uh#idk when the only response i get to 'i have no energy no motivation it's getting harder to get up in the morning and#planning for the future fills me with so much dread to the point of being paralized and i just can't see myself in it. at all anymore' is#'i think you're afraid of growing up :)' it's a little bit. idk. sure i guess i don't wanna be an adult#but that's bc i don't wanna be alive in general. i think#idk. and the theory in itself is not really the problem it's her job to interpret things and sometimes she's wrong whatever#but for some reason the last two times felt really. if i contradict anything she brings up she sees it as me getting defensive#which probably only proves her point. IDK. maybe i'm paranoid maybe she IS right but i kinda hate the idea of#not getting my words taken at face value anymore. anyway. that was a lot of oversharing wow sorry
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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.
#j.txt#vent#barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible#I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do#my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over#the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa#nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to#see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc#I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being#treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through#any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt#but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much#but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really#I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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GOD my heart aches every time I see the black Dartmoor
#it looks so much like my heart horse that never was (except the Dartmoor is missing a little white marking he had)#he was at the barn where a family member had their horse. a little too poorly cared for... he refused to be rideable (past abuse probably)#and they just didnt bother with him much. he was so so so pretty but his mane was always tangled and hooves out of form and stuff#whenever I came along I'd spend the whole time there just caring for him. brushing out the tangles. braiding his mane. oiling his hooves.#(just braiding the mane could take 20-30 minutes. it was so long and beautiful)#i brought him along for hacks in a halter and lead rope whenever i could. the lazy fuck (affectionate) REFUSED to go faster than a walk#but I am also a lazy fuck so it fit me pretty well tbh#in the beginning he was really tentative towards me and the stable owner had to help me go get him. but eventually he started coming to me#wasn't much of a cuddly type but you know in your heart when a horse enjoys your company don't you#my life got in the way too much because I was in high school commuting 90 minutes one way#but. sigh. what we could've had if I wasn't so freaking busy all the time :(#I'm not even sure he's alive anymore. I think it's been four years since my family member moved their horse and his fur was graying then#wasn't a dartmoor though#papers claimed him as a dole horse but his papers were untrustworthy loll. he looked more like a fell or maybe dales pony#z talks
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sometimes I hear a significant song from a fandom I used to be in and it makes me want to scream and sob until I don't have any breath or tears left and I don't know why it feels so bad when back then, it felt so good.
#two birds by regina spektor#anyone else remember that owl house animatic?#or creature by half alive#there was an animatic made as a tribute to philza's hardcore world#I remember#and I really miss those times#it's not that I was happy during those times#but I think I felt whole#it's hard to feel that way now#the owl house#dsmp#wow those fandoms clashed#that's so funny to think about now#thoughts#I don't wanna tag philza cuz like I feel like philza fans are probably still chill and don't need my depression post lol#I just miss when I felt okay. I wasn't well and I was hurting but somehow I was still okay#I dont feel so okay anymore and I'm not sure why#I've never really been happy but now I'm not okay either and I don't know how to take that#sorry for my ranting#I just can't talk about it with anyone without being concerning haha#I hope no one has read this far but if you have hi hope you have a good night or day or whatever#hope you're life is okay and you don't relate to anything I'm saying and if you do well at least you can relate to funny internet memes#that's what I tell myself at least#if funny tiktoks about trauma and depression don't make having trauma and depression worth it then what does
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Are non rp blogs allowed to follow or reblog anything? Your blog is gorgeous and Snow White has so few people who truly love her like this. But I wanted to ask because when I followed and reblogged posts from a Princess Aurora roleplayer they immediately blocked me ☹️
Hello there! All are welcome to follow and/or reblog as much as they'd like! I know some blogs feel that personals restrict their ability to tap into their character's world, but it's much the opposite for me. I feel more connected to Snow White through this account the more engagement I get and even people referring to me as the character. The only exception is, I really don't like being copied- there's been at least four other accounts who have blatantly committed creative larceny and stole my writing, theme, etc- and that is very dispiriting to me. It takes a lot of work to run this account and ensure everything is in her voice and I'm honoring the universe as much as possible. However, as long as you aren't disrespecting or ripping off my work, I'd love to speak with you and give you full rein over whatever you wish to do in the land of my account!
#( may your dreams come true ).#ask#anonymous#snow white and the seven dwarfs#i would actually love more life on this account#it's not as popular as some of my others#and that along with the copiers sometimes make me want to close this account#and i really don't want to#i've been writing snow white since 2009#and love her so much and want to have a tribute to her to keep her spirit alive in me and her voice and have a dedicated place#that's just for her#but i'm really not gaining the connections or having engagement at all anymore#and the lack of good things packed with soooo many people stealing from me is making me want to go private#so thank you for sending me this message!#it was actually just what i needed in this moment <3#also pretty sure i wasn't the aurora but i do have an aurora account so if you think it was me please feel free to message me about it!
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Oh. Damn. I got myself upset to the point of wanting to sh again. well this sucks lol
#It's my own fault really. But idk how I'm supposed to change anything#My life but also my mood. I don't feel like I'm a real person. I'm not sure I'm worth anyone taking the time to help#I just... Don't really want to be here anymore. I don't want to be alive at all. Why couldn't any of my past attempts have worked..?
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#tag talk#if I can make it through the next two weeks I'll be alright. but damn if it isn't gonna be rough#court date next week and dr appointment the week after. but then I'll be back on track with changing my name and then getting hrt#big changes. but changes I need. changes I tried to start back in February.#I try to have yearly goals. big overarching themes and shit. 2022 was just getting away from my patents and accepting being trans#and then it ended up being a year for processing old trauma. which uhh. really culminated in the February attempt to end all that shit#but February was the start of the new year for me. the start of getting all that personal work externalized. being out and unapologetic#the move this summer has thrown things a little out of shape but I'm working to get it back on the rails#if I can get things sorted by the end of this year then next year is the start of forever for me.#it really will be a “first day of the rest of our lives” vibe. new name. finally getting the meds I need. idk exactly how hrt will go though#I need to do independent research to see if I need to go through health provider or if I can find a clinic independently#been meaning to do that for a hot while but I have been so overwhelmed with other stuff I haven't had the energy.#but like. looking back it hasn't been bad. I was afraid I would lose this year to the move. but that's adhd time blindness speaking#even if it takes four months to move and mentally recover that leaves eight still. that's still a lot of time. I have time to work with#every day I'm still alive is a day I have available to get done the things I want to in order to live happily.#sure I'm damaged as fuck. but that doesn't mean I can't get some good work done. I can make friends and have fun and help people#idk. I'm still in a melancholy state from the heavy dissociation I experienced on edibles. I think I might not do that again#losing control of my head isn't great because my default is suicidal and depressed which isn't super pogchamp of me#I'm gonna do it again once more just to have a second experience because a single data point isn't good data so I want two.#but I don't expect to want to do it anymore. I wonder if the high amounts of stress and anticipation I'm experiencing right now affect it#of course it would. prior mental state of going to affect the trip. that's kinda obvious I guess. maybe I try it again in two weeks#anyway. life keeps going and there is no expectation to fall behind on. falling behind means there's an acceptable pace. which is false#well. that's not true. capitalism and all that. there's a minimum pace for somebody. but that's where community comes in to help I guess#I'm rambling now. bye I'm gonna go take a shower and be really sad about having a dick and balls#it's tragic cause they're really nice dick and balls too. Just not for me. I wanna be a cool guy without even a single ball to his name#is that too much to ask? I just wanna be a man who's a woman who's a man but in a different way than the first time he was.#also. I'm tired of straight guys on dating apps hitting me up. like bro I know you're just gonna want to view me as a woman. no deal#bro is gonna have to be at least a little gay. cause I am not gonna swing like that. better be at least a little bi#some dude's bio was like “let me love the woman inside of you” and like. no thanks please go obsess over femininity somewhere else#straight guys who include nonbinary in their profile because they really just see it as woman 2: gender boogaloo ☠️
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tuned into Plestia's live with Rahma Zein's second account (she got shadowbanned). key moments:
plestia talked about her adjustment to living in australia. "it's 1:30am now and it's normal for me and many palestinians who live abroad to be awake hours into the morning. i am scared of sleeping. because of the time difference, i'm scared if i sleep i will wake up to bad news. in gaza i was scared of the sound of the bombs, here i am scared of the quiet."
contacting family and friends in gaza is near impossible. "sometimes i feel like a crazy person, calling 20 times in a row hoping that on the 21st time the call might go through."
on the destruction of entire communities and neighbourhoods: "i'm scared when i go back to gaza i won't recognise it anymore. someone sent me a picture of my neighbourhood, and i couldn't tell it was mine at first. all my favourite places, cafes where the aunties used to give me extra food and ask about my day, have been destroyed. i dread looking at my gallery or seeing snapchat memories because most of these people in the pictures are no longer alive."
rahma asked plestia to talk about one story that stuck with her. plestia said "i remember walking one time on the 'safe corridor', that's what they called it anyway, and i saw an older woman clutching onto a donkey cart where her son's body was, refusing to let go of it. i asked my colleague what the smell was, he said it's dead bodies under the rubble. it was the first time i familiarised myself with the smell. the son's body was decaying and the woman told me about cats and animals eating away at it. i've had children talk to me about birds eating away at their parents' decomposing bodies and not being able to chase them away."
"it seems so silly to go to hospitals for minor sicknesses now. i can't even think about how many palestinian children are going to be terrified of hospitals now. there was a girl who was taken to the hospital to get treatment for injuries by one of the bombs, and while she was in the bathroom another bomb landed nearby. the impact from that sent the ceiling crashing down on her.. she got another injury while getting treated for her first one."
"i hate how people talk about our resilience - as if it's okay that this is happening to us. we are only surviving because we have to, because we have no other choice."
rahma brought up the way family homes are set up in palestine and asked plestia to elaborate. "basically, there are floors. someone will live on the ground floor, and then their married son lives with his children on the floor above them, and then their successors above them and so on. so when family homes are targeted, they wipe out entire families. many families officially no longer exist."
"i used to wear my journalist helmet and vest all the time, felt naked without it, even slept with the vest on sometimes until i realised it only made me more of a target. they didn't give me any protection, only headaches and back pain."
"i am an optimistic person, i loved covering sweet sentimental things, like at my graduation asking parents of top graduates how they feel about their children graduating. that's what i love reporting on. i wanted to cover things like that when i came back to gaza, show the beautiful side of gaza that the media didn't really show, but i didn't have the chance." "do you think they'll give you right of return?" "i can only hope."
plestia mentioned how hard it was being a journalist with limited access to the internet, charging facilities, no mics, lack of equipment and how difficult it was uploading things. rahma asked her what's one story that wasn't really recorded or posted due to these constraints; plestia said "the evacuations. sometimes they informed us about them, sometimes they didn't. you have no idea how hard it was, everyone looking for their family members, making sure every one was there, taking to the streets in 5 minutes and not knowing which way to go. i remember i went to my friend's house for shelter for 30 minutes before the first evacuation was announced and we ran to another family's house, stayed there for 2 days before another evacuation was announced. me, my friend, and that family all evacuated together to another family's house. there were already so many people there seeking shelter, it wasn't just one family staying there. none of us knew how long we had in any place."
before october 7th, palestinians were used to limitations on electricity. plestia used to plan her day's tasks around when the electricity was working. "for example when the electricity was on from 12 to 4, i would say i will do my laundry and charge the phones during this time. life wasn't exactly 'normal', but all of us pray to have those days back in comparison to what we are experiencing now." plestia also said that cars are running on cooking oil now because there is no fuel.
on hygiene: "many pregnant women have to give birth without any pain medication or medical attention. once we ran out of medicine, that was it. women who had to get C-sections couldn't stay to recover or get followup treatments because someone else needed the bed. we have no water, no tissues, no pads, barely any bathrooms. in the shelter schools you have to wait an hour before even getting to use the bathroom because of how many people are there."
"something you don't hear about is how many people die because of sadness. there's so many ways to die in gaza, because of the bombardment, because of starvation, the lack of resources, but i also know many elderly people who died because their hearts couldn't take it anymore. i have been in gaza before and lived through 4 aggressions, but nothing compared to this one."
a recurring sentiment that was echoed in the video: "sometimes i thought to myself: who am i recording this for? because we've already shown everything, we've already talked about everything. everything has already been said, the proof is everywhere, nothing i talked about today is new." rahma said the first video posted about what's happening in palestine should've been enough.
she is 22 today. plestia's closing words: don't stop talking about us, don't stop boycotting, don't stop protesting, please don't get bored of fighting for palestine.
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Thought more on the 'Batfam in Danny's world' stuff.
Red Robin: What is this? -holds up a clunky early 2000s device he found in Danny's room between his pinched fingers, like it might bite him- Danny: Oh, my PDA? Tucker insisted on buying it for me but honestly I'm not really that great with tech so I don't use it much. He usually follows me around trying to manage my schedule with it. Red Robin: Concerning but, more concerning, this thing... Works? Danny: It's the latest model, so it should? Red Robin: Latest... -trying not to cringe- How do you connect to the internet on it? Or take pictures? Danny, with genuine excitement: Your PDA can do that!? Man, that sounds way cooler than the plastic that lets you see all the stuff inside! Red Robin: I'm In Hell.
Spoiler: Having villains for parents is the worst right? Danny: I mean, my mom accidentally brings the food to life and it tries to bite us. But the keyword is 'accidentally'. They're mostly harmless. Spoiler: They literally just shot at you??? Danny: They shot at Phantom. They don't know it's actually me you know? Also I don't even worry about it. They don't have very good aim since I'm not a danger to them and Dad only gets badass when mom is in danger. Mom's always a badass but it's good dodging practice. Besides, I'd be more worried about them dissecting me, what with the whole, I'm technically an entirely different species that they've been studying their whole life and don't think I'm sentient anymore. But y'know it's whatever. They're not actually all that bad and I know they love me deep down. Spoiler: I'm not sure whether to borrow Hood's guns and shoot you myself or kidnap you away from here and force Batman to adopt you. Danny: Wha-
Danny: Alright a few more adjustments aaaaand there! Signal: Oh wow! Thanks! It's nuce to be able to see again without getting black spots on my vision. There's so many ghosts around it can be hard to see. Danny, biting his lip trying not to laugh: No problem. Signa;: .... What? Danny: Nothing! You look great dude! Signal: ....... Danny: ....... Signal: What did you put on my face!? Danny: Sun glasses! Signal: -skids to a halt in front of mirror and sure enough they're sun glasses. But they're triangular and the hooks go aaaall the way up to hook around the bat-ear points and look completely ridiculous- Danny Why :( Danny: -trying to say 'sorry' through his giggles, but he's not really sorry-
Danny: Uuuuh Red Hood I can't see your face, but I'm kinda worried about how many guns you're loading right now. Red Hood: I just want your 15th birthday party to be safe, okay? Danny: I'll be fine? It'd be nice if the other ghosts gave me a day off sure, but fighting them seems safer. I don't really want my mom to bake a cake anyway. Knowing her it'd just come alive so if they forget this year it's fine. I'm just, those are real guns man. They're dangerous. Red Hood: They are. -cocks gun- For Them.
Robin: >:( Danny: It was a nice try. Robin: Do not patronize me Fenton! Danny: I don't know why or how, but that sounds even more insulting than when Dash does it... Robin: This is an indignity! Fighting immortals entities that cannot be harmed by blade is one thing- but I will not accept being spoken to like a child! Skulker will return and taste my fury! Danny: Hey calm down alright? Robin: Do not test my patience! Danny: I heard you like animals. Wanna meet my purple back gorilla friend? She's really nice and is easy to talk to. Robin: .... The gorilla... doesn't speak does she? Danny: Haha no of course not! I learned her language instead. Robin: ... You are a strange man. However I will accept your proposal for now and I insist you teach me every form of communication with her.
Orphan: :( Danny, who's always been able to understand Cass perfectly, much to the mystery of the batfam and her delight: Aw Cass, I love you guys too. It's been great having your family around- and really I'm flattered! But I can't be your new brother, I'm sorry, but we do live in different realities. Besides, I think I've had enough of people trying to adopt me. Orphan: ? Danny: Yeah my godfather is a total fruitloop. Always trying to kill my dad and marry my mom who hates his guts and get me to call him father instead. Like, he even tried to clone me and copy my brain into a new body right? Or that time he rigged the election to become mayor just to mess with me. And hiring actually competent ghost hunters so I'd quit (kinda wish I could quit actually but it's fine). His obsession with me can get out of hand sometimes you see. Orphan: >:( -cracks knuckles- Danny: What? No! I don't need protecting really! I can handle him just fine. Now that I'm thinking about it though, I dunno what he'd do with Jazz. He never seems to actually talk about her beyond that one time he tried to get her to attack me- huh? Orphan: -disappeared- Danny: ...... That probably won't come back to haunt me.
#dc x dp#batfamily#tim drake#stephanie brown#jason todd#damian wayne#cassandra cain#danny phantom#originally the 'i'm in hell' line belonged to jason#but this was funnier#rip vlad when cass gets her hands on him
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Taco Tuesday ; Gambit x reader!
summary: You live across the hall from Wade Wilson, and one Tuesday, he invites you over for tacos. 🌮 And that’s where you meet him. The Gambit. Post-Void, everyone got out alive and everything is fine. [PART TWO HERE]
word count & w a r n i n g s: 5.4K | smut with very little plot, alcohol mention, slightly drunk (but very consenting) reader, French and typing out accents/dialects, pet names (cher, mon ami, mon coeur, etc.), dirty talk (cos he is a dirty talker, don't argue with me on this), fingering, unprotected sex, p in v, no use of y/n.
a/n: this is based 100% on Deadpool and Wolverine Gambit / Channing's version of Gambit!! sorry for the lack of plot here, he deserves better than this filth, but I am down ASTRONOMICALLY and I needed to get it out. I spent so much time trying to get his accent right, I hope it comes off the way I wanted it to... anyway! i'm not certain if anyone will read this, but if you do - thank you a million times over! as always, requests are open! - banner by @/strangergraphics, and Remy gif by @scintie!
↓ full fic under cut! ↓ / ao3 link here! / I don’t have a taglist anymore, but please turn on post notifications if you’d like to be notified of future fics!
He’s handsome. Like really handsome.
Your stomach does a flip as he smiles at you, reaching for the bottle of Jack between your legs — wait. Pause. Rewind. How’d we get here?
Living in the same apartment complex as Wade Wilson was a trip. Even more of a trip was living across the hall from him. The things you heard coming from that apartment... nobody would believe you. So, you never told anyone.
He’s kind. Albeit, zany but kind. Your interactions have been cordial and nauseatingly neighbourly. But on one regular ol' Tuesday afternoon, Wade invited you inside. He said something about having a party later that night, making tacos and being neighborly. He assured you that it wasn't a sex party... which to be honest, you weren't worried about until he'd mentioned it. Against your better judgement though, you'd agreed, and said you'd bring some liquor.
So, that evening, you opened your door, one bottle of Jack tucked under your arm, and another in your left hand. You shut the door to your apartment and walked straight across to your neighbour’s door. Your fist had rapped against the wood only twice before the door swung open, revealing Wade, and a very… strange and very bald looking dog in his arms.
"Oh, what the fuck?" You asked, looking down at the creature. "I didn't know you had a dog…?"
Wade’s voice rose an octave or two, in a cutesy tone. "She's a new addition, yes she is!"
"I brought... well, this. Sorry, it was all I had in my cabinets and to be perfectly honest, I wasn't about to go out and spend money on this. I like… barely know you."
"HA! Brutal honesty. We love to hear it."
Wade took hold of your shoulder and yanked you inside, harsh enough that you made a small sound as he did. He shut the door with his foot, and towed you towards the table, where everyone was gathered. And that was when you first saw him. He wore all black, save for a tan trench coat with a high collar. He lounged casually on one of the dining chairs, playing with a deck of cards. They fluttered from hand to hand effortlessly, and for a moment, you were stuck, mesmerized by the dexterous way he handled them. You weren't sure what was pulling you towards him harder, your heart or your cunt, but you felt an undeniable draw to the man.
Wade's arm wound itself around your shoulders, guiding you around the room to meet each of his friends. At that point, living next to him, mutants were a forced transition. You were used to the concept of them, so meeting a giant silver man, for example, wasn't unexpected. Vanessa was the most normal - you were pretty sure she was human.
Finally, he got to the one you really wanted to meet. The one that your eyes had been darting back and forth to the entire time, the one that when he briefly met your gaze, your heart thudded in your chest.
"And this... handsome slice of man, is the Gambit. Good luck understanding him, he's a real mouthful."
I’ll bet he is, you thought.
He pocketed the cards in a quick motion and stood up from his chair. With a syrup-smooth chuckle, the man laughed and said: "You can call me Remy." He did in fact have a thick Cajun accent and spoke quickly – almost too quickly. You blinked once, focusing hard on his words.
"Remy," you repeated finally, before saying your own name and extending your hand. He took it gently and as he shook it, your palm tingled with what felt like electricity.
"Enchanté." (Enchanted)
Your cheeks burned, and you knew they were flushing. You couldn’t control it. "De même..." (Likewise.)
His brows lifted, surprised. "You speak French, mon ami?" (my friend)
"Heh, uhh... comme un enfant." (Like a child) You chuckled low, averting your eyes for a millisecond. "I took a few years of it in high school and again in college. I’m by no means an expert."
Wade's eyes were wide, flicking back and forth between the two of you. There was obvious chemistry there, and a knowing smirk drew itself across his lips. Abruptly, he yanked one of the bottles of Jack Daniels from beneath your arm, before leaning against the nearby wall.
"Oh, fuck me. You understand Gumbo here? That’s cute. No idea what either of you are saying though, someone forgot to turn the subtitles on. I'll leave you two to get acquainted." Whatever that meant. You scoffed, but turned your attention back to Gambit, looking at him.
“Sit a while, cher.”
You happily took the chair that he pulled out, not caring that it was facing away from the others, and plopped down onto it, situating the other bottle of Jack between your legs. You gripped the neck of the bottle tightly, and looked at him with a timid, but a come hither sort of smile. After a moment, you twisted the cap off, and flicked it off somewhere to your right. Wade would find it later, or he wouldn’t. You didn’t really care.
You two talked for hours, most of which consisted of him telling you about the Void, and how hard it had been, while you pretended to comprehend it. Between words, you passed the bottle back and forth, taking mouthfuls, and inadvertently swapping spit as you did. The thought occurred to you about halfway through the conversation, and your stomach tightened. You shook your head lightly and clenched your thighs together, trying to stave off the arousal that was bubbling in your core.
There we go. That’s better.
He’s handsome. Like really handsome.
Your stomach does a flip as he smiles at you, reaching for the bottle, which was still situated between your legs. His fingertips just graze the side of your thigh and his eyes flit to yours. He holds his smile, waiting for you to either protest or move the moment forward, and all you can do is gawk, because your cunt starts throbbing.
As the evening wears on, though cautious, it’s obvious that Remy feels the same pull that you do. He remains cool on the outside, but internally, he was battling the magnetic tugging he felt from you. He couldn't shake it. He’d compliment you, you’d compliment him. At one point, in between sips, you casually drop that you think his accent is hot and he whispers something underneath his breath, something you don’t understand. Before either of you realized it, you had started to lean closer to each other, your faces inches apart, and you felt the warm rush of his breath over your cheeks.
It was as if you both realized it simultaneously. You rear back, an embarrassed expression plastered on your face. Remy clears his throat. His attraction to you was stifling; something that he rarely felt. He was powerless in his want for you, the draw you had was irresistible.
"Maybe we should... uh..." You murmur, looking deep into his eyes. In a room full of people that were starting to fade away the closer you two got to each other, you were thankful you were still sober enough to suggest a different setting. Any longer and you surely would’ve just straddled him and gone to town.
Remy moves first.
"We gon' take a walk." He announces to the others, getting to his feet.
The conversation stops abruptly, silence hanging heavy. You straighten up, trying your best to avert your gaze, but you still see everyone’s reaction. Someone clears their throat and your heart sinks, feeling like you might die on the spot. The one that had been introduced as Logan, gruff looking dude, raises a single brow at you. In true Wade-character, he ugly cackles, shattering the moment. Your shoulders sink, embarrassed, as you head towards the door, doing the proverbial walk of shame.
Remy meets you at the door and pulls it open, holding it for you. You duck underneath his arm, looking sheepish and as you exit into the hallway, you think you heard Wade mutter something about a fanfiction but Remy yanks the door shut before you can react.
“You want to… get some air? Or um… I have… well, no I had liquor, but I brought it to Wade’s.”
He smiles, and looks down at the floor, before lifting his eyes back to you. “We can do whatever you want, chère. You ain’t gon’ catch me complainin’ eitha’ way.”
You chew on the inside of your cheek, considering the options. Your heart was hammering in your chest at the prospect of just being near him without the others around. You two had been close to kissing in Wade’s living room, and now, you had the opportunity to continue that… or take a walk. The latter seemed less appealing.
“Y’know what, why don’t we… just…” You take a few steps backwards, jerking your head towards your front door. Concerningly, you had forgotten to lock your door. However, it allows you to open it quickly, and walk backwards into the apartment. Gambit follows you in, his attention never leaving you.
"You sure 'bout dis, mon ami? I can walk away righ' now." His words land heavy, a promise behind them. He was a gentleman at heart, you could tell. Fortunately for him, you were very sure, and wanted every inch of him.
Mon ami - something that in the few hours you'd spent with him, he'd called you often. Among other things. Mon ami meant my friend, but you knew you two weren't just friends. You saw how he acted with others, and the comments he made. Sure, he had a quick wit and a mouth on him, but the flirting... god, the flirting.
He stands in the doorway, his shoulders filling the frame. Silently, you nod and take another step back, giving him some room to enter. He takes one wide step towards you, leaving the door open behind him. He reaches for your hip, and you immediately take to playing with his large hands. Delicately, you pay attention to each long digit, trailing your middle finger along the knuckles, and up and down the length of them. You dip into the spaces between, your fingers barely ghosting over the webbing.
Was that a shiver? Your eyes flit to his, searching them for a hint.
"You sure do know how to make a man feel good."
Your heart flutters at his words. With his accent, even the simplest of things sounded charming. At least to you. You felt that he could ask if you wanted coffee or how the weather was and you'd be twirling your hair around your finger like a desperate schoolgirl. Embarrassing.
You’re about to respond and defend yourself by saying that all you had done was play with his hands, which was hardly considered foreplay, but his fingers come up underneath your chin, gently closing your mouth with a dull click of your teeth. He tilts it upwards to an angle where he could easily kiss you. And kiss you, he does.
It was the kind of kiss that makes your knees buckle, sends a violent shudder from the nape of your neck down to the base of your spine. It’s the kind of kiss that needs to come with a warning; Danger: Will Result In Sex. As his lips move against yours, you feel the urgency of his need, of his want, and hum into his lips. Remy takes that as a green light and deepens the kiss, moving his body so that it’s pressing flush against yours. The action leaves you immediately breathless and in response, you break the kiss, tucking your chin to your chest. Your hand finds his torso, pressing hard against the muscles underneath the shirt.
"Ah, don't you be actin' shy now. You been teasin' me for hours."
“I have not!”
“You think I didn’t notice all ‘dem touches an’ looks you were givin’ me? I may ‘ave been born at night, but I wasn’t born last night.”
He had you there. You couldn’t deny that, at all. Even if you’d wanted to. Which, part of you did. Part of you was very nervous, standing before this very handsome man, with the taste of his mouth still lingering on your lips but another part of you, the louder one, was delighted that he’d noticed. Furthermore, that he’d enjoyed them enough to come to your room.
You lift your hand behind him, pushing the door shut with a harsh shove. With a twist of your fingers, you activate the locking mechanism, sliding the deadbolt into place. Gambit chuckles, grinning down at you. Your heart leaps into your throat, but you press on bravely, lacing your arms around his neck. They trail down the front of his body, feeling the muscles as they twitch with each ragged breath.
He quirks a brow as if to ask, 'Oh, really?' You simply smirk back at him. The contact is electric, and you find yourself resisting the urge to grind against him immediately. Instead, you focus on his hands again, bringing one of them up to your lips. You press a delicate kiss on the pads, before slipping one into your mouth and sucking gently. Remy makes a deep, husky sound in his throat, and brings his other hand to your hip, where he pulls you roughly against him.
For a man that uses his hands often, the sensations are high. The way your mouth envelops his finger, your tongue writhing around the digit had his jaw clenching, muscles fluttering on the side of his face. When you draw his finger into the confines of your throat, deep-throating it, his eyes roll back in pleasure. He pulls his hand back, shaking it off as if the inside of your mouth was hot to the touch.
"Woo, you nasty, huh? Nevah’ woulda' guessed... you been actin' like a good little girl 'uhround me."
After that, it all happened very quickly. Gambit takes a step and connects his lips with yours again, pushing them into you in an act of desperation. Without breaking the kiss, he shrugs out of his jacket, tossing it onto a nearby surface. You push against him until his back hits the door with a heavy thud, definitely loud enough for any innocent bystanders to hear. Your fingers undo the button of your jeans, breaking the kiss for only a second to slide them down your legs.
Once you return to his waiting mouth, the kiss deepens and the coil in your stomach winds tighter, claiming your body in a deep, fiery arousal. His big arms wrap around you, enveloping you in a heated embrace. Just for a moment, it’s tender — but shortly after, his hands drop to your ass, fingers slipping underneath the band of fabric to take greedy fistfuls of each cheek.
Your hands find their way to his shoulders, gripping the roundness of them to use as leverage. Letting out a little hum, you sweep your hips across his groin, pressing tightly against him. His eyes drift shut, head bumping against the door as he leaned it back, a low growl coming from his throat. Keeping at it, you grind your hips against him, feeling the outline of his length as it hardens.
“You be drivin’ Remy crazy, grindin’ on me like ‘dat.”
“That’s the intention….” You stand on your tiptoes to pepper kisses on his lips, your warm breath fanning over his face, smelling faintly of Jack Daniels. Remy trails his hand carefully up your rib cage until he gets to the side of your breast, where he quickly slips around to the front, his large hand cupping the fullness of it outside of your shirt. Your reaction is visceral; your breath hisses through your teeth at the sensitivity.
Remy laughs again and with his free hand, pulls your hips back to his. Swiftly, he spins you around, pinning you between his body and the hard surface of the door. He presses himself tightly against you, shifting slightly so that his thigh was between your legs. The sensation of something that close to your core is dangerous and brings a weak, mewling whimper from your mouth.
“We gon’ have ourselves some fun.” His voice is low, tinged with a new sort of lustful tone that you hadn't heard before. Your mind is spinning, growing dizzy with lust. The alcohol had certainly helped your nerves, you were never usually this brazen. Your core burns with desire at his words, silently begging for everything he was about to give you. His lips hover just over yours; you can feel his breath on your skin and the heat that radiates off his body as it presses into yours.
"Oh my god," you whisper into his mouth. "Fuck..."
His teeth nip at your bottom lip before he captures your mouth in a heated, passionate kiss again. His tongue explores the inside, swirling along your own wet muscle. With every passing second, your heart beats faster and his hands grip your hips tighter, thumbs massaging the flesh above your jeans.
“Wrap ‘dem legs around me, mon coeur.” (My heart) Remy’s voice is husky with want; amongst his playful, lilted tone, a possessiveness lingered, and the thought sends a chill down your spine. He nods once, encouraging you into his waiting arms. You jump up, and he catches you effortlessly, gripping your thighs tight and hoisting you up into his grasp. Feeling secure, you wrap both legs around his waist and encircle his neck with your arms. Your gaze meets his and you can see the wanton need mirrored in his own eyes, darkened with desire.
Remy's smirk is dripping with confidence. Your body's response to him was causing his ego to swell within his chest, and his cock to swell within his pants. He leans in close, his lips against your ear, nipping at the lobe softly before pulling back slightly. In one fluid movement, his hips buck up against your center, teasing you over the layers of clothing. You let out a moan, throwing your head back against the door.
He thrusts up into you again, chuckling low against your ear. The hard line of his cock grinds against you, making you stutter out expletives as it presses against you with a needy demand.
"You like 'dat, cher? Talk t' me..."
You nod, swallowing and wetting your throat. "Y-yeah, fuck... I do... need you – it – so bad."
“Whaddya’ need?”
“N-need you… so bad.”
“You can do betta’. Tell Remy what you need...”
He presses you harder against the door, your back sliding against the wood as he kisses a trail down from your mouth to your shoulder, sucking and biting with all the right intensities. As his hips grind against yours, you feel the damp fabric slide across your cunt, alerting you to just how wet he’d made you. Fuck.
“Need… need you to fuck me. Hard. Need to feel you everywhere.”
A few hours ago, you’d agreed to Taco Tuesday at Wade’s. Now, you were getting dry humped by a really hot Cajun guy and moaning into the curve between his neck and his shoulder. You were positive that if someone opened their door, they’d hear you. Somewhere in your brain, the thought should have been moderately embarrassing, but you were far too invested in Remy to care.
Without warning, Gambit lifts you away from the door and carries you to the nearby couch. He never breaks the kiss, still feverishly claiming your mouth as he moves. Your back hits the cushions and before you can process it, his body weight is on top of you. He slots himself in between your legs, and his hard-on bumps into your stomach as his hips rut against you, finding some relief in the friction. But not enough.
Remy’s hand finds the hem of your shirt, lifting it just enough to allow his fingers underneath the fabric. You bite down on the pillow of your bottom lip and push your hips up into his. Thick, strong digits sweep across your skin, leaving a burning trail of fire in their wake. Every touch brings your temperature up, and it isn’t long before your entire body is consumed in flames. You sigh contentedly, arching up into his touch.
Abruptly, Remy straightens up, crosses his arms over his torso and pulls his shirt over his head, revealing his tan skin and bulky muscles. His stocky stature makes your tummy clench with anticipation. He was fit, as you assumed, but that didn’t stop your jaw from falling open at the sight.
“Wow,” you finally choke.
Remy grins. “You like what you see?”
You nod furiously, hands snapping to his toned abdomen. He’s warm and his skin is soft, begging to be touched. The muscles flex underneath your fingers as you trace a long stripe from his belly button to his collarbone. Your hands claw at his shoulder, attempting to pull him back down on you, but he resists.
He spoke with a playfulness, almost a sort of pleading. His thumbs flicks at the hem of your shirt. “Ah, c’mon, ‘dat ain’t fair. Enlève-tout toi, huh?” (Take it all off.)
You thought you understood, but if you didn’t, it didn’t matter. Remy was quick to translate his words, busy undressing you, pulling your worn t-shirt over your head, and reaching around your back to unclasp your bra. Most men would’ve fumbled with the clasp, but not him. His adept fingers make quick work of it, allowing your breasts to fall free. He throws your bra somewhere behind him.
“Hooo, cher…!” His eyes light up at the visual and you feel heat blooming on your cheeks again, half expecting him to make a lewd comment. Instead, his hands cup your tits, kneading the soft plumpness like dough, thumbs grazing the nipples. He exhales through his mouth, jerking his head to the side.
Finally, he kisses you again. It’s wet and sloppy and his mouth is consuming you, tasting you hungrily. His hips are still moving, sweeping into yours with a calculated precision. You try to spread your legs but the back of the couch thwarts your attempt. He notices this, watching as you struggle with the space.
“You got a bed?” He asked in between smearing kisses along your neck and collarbone.
“Yeah-yeah…. Down the hall.”
“Remy be needin’ more room for what he wanna’ do t’you.”
His weight is suddenly gone from you, an unwelcome sensation, even though you know he’s about to carry you wedding-style down the hallway. He bends down, one arm sliding underneath your neck, the other in the crook behind your knees. For the second time that night, he lifts you into his arms.
You rest your cheek against his warm pectoral muscle, rocking back and forth, as he walks you both down the dark hallway. The only light in the room comes from the window, the city outside alive and humming. Carefully, Remy sets you down on the bed, unmade from this morning, your dark gray sheets cool to the touch.
In nothing but your underwear, which at this point, are damp to the touch, you’re left feeling very exposed. But you can’t muster up any shame, not when he’s looking at you with such hunger, such want. Your tummy feels tight, and the feeling gets worse when Remy’s hands drop to his waist, unzipping and unbuttoning his pants. They fall loose at the waist, and he shucks them down the rest of the way, leaving him in nothing but a pair of deep purple boxers. Your eyes swing heavy to the outline that’s now presented to you.
Oh my god.
Your breath hitches in your throat. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise; Remy was a big guy, and that proved true downstairs, too. You can barely pull your eyes away from it, but you begrudgingly rip them away, to look up into his gaze.
“Please,” you beg. “You’re too far away…” Your cunt is aching and nothing but him, his hands, his dick, will sate her.
He leans forward, flattening both hands on the mattress and walks them back until his face is in front of yours. He sweeps you into another kiss and your heart races. His hands are perfectly positioned on either side of your hips, you feel them graze the flesh. His finger hooks around the elastic of your panties, twisting it around his pointer finger and gradually, he tugs them down over the curve of your hip.
You nod lazily against his mouth, as you feel the warmth of his hand near your core. Your legs drop apart, knees touching the mattress as you allow him access. One hand sweeps across your inner thighs, stroking them, while the other palms your soft mound. His other hand comes to pause at your knee, and pushes his weight into it softly, forcing you to stay spread-eagle for him. No way you could’ve done this on the sofa.
There’s no hesitation in the way he fingers you; sweeping up through your slick folds, smearing your arousal around until she’s coated in it, splaying your pretty, wet cunt apart with his fingers, looking upon it hungrily. He knows what he’s doing, and how to do it right. You briefly wonder if that’s another mutant power he has… though being an expert at fingering someone seems outlandish. But he’s just so good at it. His middle finger barely touches you, circling the bundle of nerves delicately. Your back arches up towards him, a desperate groan vibrating your vocal chords. Delighted by your reaction, his finger flicks upwards at your swollen, sensitive clit, making your body literally quiver.
“Uhugh – god…. Shit, oh my god.”
He continues like this for several minutes, until your cunt is blazing hot and clenching with every moan you give.
By the time he presses one finger inside, you’re teetering on the edge of an orgasm and your voice fills the room with needy, desperate sounds. You let out a shrill whine, and he slips in another finger, feeling the stretch of muscle as he does. His heart is pounding in his chest, overcome with lust. The way you sound, the way your body is moving and writhing on the bed, he can’t wait to sink himself into you.
Amidst a laugh, he says: “People gon’ think we up in here watchin’ porn.”
Did he just insinuate that you sounded like a pornstar? You lifted your head, wearily, to look at him. Your chest heaves with each breath as you try to formulate a snarky remark to no avail. He looked so good – well, always – but he looked particularly good on top of you, his bright eyes lust blown and hungry.
“We’re… we’re… porn… it’s… oh god.”
He shushes you. “You just lay back and keep moanin’.”
Defeated, you huff and your head hits the sheets again, but not before you catch a glimpse of the way the muscles in his forearm ripple as it pumps back and forth into your cunt. You can’t help but moan at the sight, feeling a shockwave rupture your core. Your hips meet his fingers, rutting and writhing against the mattress in a needy rhythm.
Your first orgasm claims your body before you can stop it. You’re clenching around his fingers as they move, crooking upwards into your sensitive spots. Your slick coats his fingers and when Gambit pulls his hand back, thick, clear strands string from between them. He smiles down at you.
Remy raises himself to his knees. “Turn ‘round…”
You flip over and back yourself towards him, thinking that he’s going to go at it doggy-style, but to your surprise, he pulls you upright, pressing your back against his chest. His dick is hot between your legs, and when he reaches down to line it up, you let your head loll back against his shoulder. Gambit’s mouth finds the side of your neck, streaking it with wet, suckling kisses. He was taking his time with you, savouring you and you hum happily through closed lips, reaching behind you to thread your fingers through his hair.
“Fuck, you feel so good…” Instinctively, your hips undulate and his cock slips between your folds. Remy’s hips buck once, letting out a groan that comes from somewhere deep.
“You ready, cher?” He asks, sweeping your hair away from your neck. You nod furiously. You’ve been ready – you were ready the moment you laid eyes on him.
Remy reaches down to sweep his fingers along your entrance briefly, before gripping himself and guiding the head of his cock into the slit. You keen at the feeling of his velvet-soft head pressing into your entrance, warm pre-cum leaking from the slit. He murmurs words of encouragement into your ear as you feel his hips press against your ass, urging his thick, veiny shaft inside your cunt. He does it gently, allowing you time to adjust to the girth, but the sting still makes you cry out. “Fffuck!”
He begins to thrust his hips shallowly, your cunt stretching around his cock. The feeling is all-consuming, and your body feels heavy in his grasp. One hand is gripping your waist tightly, the other, fingers splayed out on your stomach just above your cunt. There’s a pressure building in your cunt, and each thrust magnifies it. The sting of his cock fades to an ache, then to a dull throbbing that makes you want more and you lean forward slightly and press your ass into the curves of his hips, meeting his thrusts.
“Mm, ‘dat’s it, cher…” His voice is hot on your skin.
His thrusts get deeper, but there’s a lingering tension in his body that makes you feel like he’s not getting what he wants. You’re right; all at once, Remy pulls his cock from you and switches positions.
You’re suddenly on your back, looking up at him as he looms over you, all muscle. His cockhead nudges your entrance again, but doesn’t penetrate.
“Say my name, cher… I needa’ hear it leave ‘dat pretty mouth.”
“Which one? Gambit? Or Remy?” You ask, breathlessly.
The way his eyes rolled back at the second option told you everything you needed to know. A smirk twisted your lips cruelly and you lifted your body slightly, just enough for your mouth to reach his ear. You moan his name over and over again, knowing full well the effect it’s having on the mutant man.
“Remy, Remy, Remy….” Your tone is high-pitched and whiny, but he seems to enjoy the lewdness of it all. He bucks his hips hard into you, and the fullness reaches an all-time high as he bottoms out, his pelvis hitting yours with a slap.
“Huhhh—!” You gasp, breathing ragged. “Fuck!”
“Gonna’ make you cum so hard you ain’t gon’ walk right for days.” His voice is low and filthy and leaves a stain on your mind. Your cunt clenches around him possessively, pulling him somehow deeper inside of you.
As your head bangs into your headboard, the tip of his cock bumps your cervix over and over again, and your jaw goes slack, literally fucked silent. Remy hears the thudding of your skull and puts a hand between it and the wood, but he doesn’t stop his relentless, deep thrusting.
The pleasure reaches a peak and your nails dig into his back, leaving crescent moon shaped indentations on his golden skin. Remy’s groaning loud into your ear as he cums, muttering in an almost incoherent melange of French and English. His accent is somehow heavier, and you can barely make out the words as he’s saying them into your skin. It doesn’t matter though, because you feel how full you are, and Remy’s hot, white completion is leaking out the sides and staining your sheets.
He stays like that for a moment, hovering on top of you. His cock softens inside, completely spent and eventually, he slips it out, rolling over onto your bed.
“Ah, joi de vivre, huh.” (the joy of life), he says drowsily.
You laugh, and nestle underneath his arm, in the space he’s left for you.
If you had your way, you’d do it all over again.
Though he doesn’t say it, so would he.
#Gambit#Remy Lebeau#channing tatum#Deadpool and Wolverine Gambit#channing tatum gambit#Gambit x reader#gambit x you#remy lebeau x reader#remy lebeau x you#female reader#Deadpool and Wolverine#Deadpool 3#x reader fics#myfics
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