#I'm not super sure how to tag the possible triggers; but I'll add more if need be!

[heartnosekid]

well, friends. i’m sure a good lot of you have seen this post. i was denied today. i have to contact a lawyer and i don't even know how to begin advocating for myself outside of simply contacting the firm an ex-friend of mine used to obtain disability.

if you would rather not read the whole vent, i completely understand. but if you would still like to provide answers or support to me, here are my main issues.

i need advice from others who have been denied disability and have gone through a lawyer to obtain it. i need advice on what to do about getting started with victim advocacy. that's about it, i reckon. i love you all. my dm's are open. you will be blocked if you clown.

and yes, i realize my stim blog is not the place to talk about this. i understand, but this is my largest audience and i feel i would be a fool to not post this somewhere it may be actually received.

tw for mental health talk / long vent under the cut, particularly of the despairing kind, and also mentions of CSA / CSAM, psychosis, and my general disabilities. if this post needs more trigger tags, please let me know and i'll add them.

my whole life i have been treated as if i am not struggling because i can do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. i can survive, but never thrive, and even surviving now has become difficult. i can't feed myself regularly, my guardians do that for me. i can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time without extreme duress and pain, which makes cleaning, showering, and going out super difficult and beyond draining. i can understand abstract concepts and certain ideas and am emotionally intelligent, but i struggle heavily with understanding money or how government works, particularly when it comes to laws and loopholes. i don't know when i'm "being had", as it were, and others have pointed this out to me throughout my adulthood. it feels as though this entire disability journey has been me "being had". they gave me something to cling on to, the possibility i may be able to receive real help, and it seems as though they basically knew the whole time they were going to deny me again. for the fourth time. i know that is unrealistic but, it does feel that way.

i wrote several full length books when i was a child / young teenager, and had two published. i won't share the titles because i have outgrown what i wrote and find them childish and frankly embarrassing, but everyone upon learning that i have written and had novels published, immediately jumps to the conclusion that i am some kind of self-sufficient, incredibly intelligent and capable person. i have never once been able to effectively take care of myself. without my guardians, i wouldn't be able to manage money, insurance, bills, cars, groceries, among other things. i don't even halfway understand how insurance on anything even works despite having been shown how it works.

i can see something, be "taught" to the best of someone's ability, and i will still not be able to learn. this has been a constant issue throughout my life, and the american public school system has continually helped these issues perpetuate. all schooling has done is teach me how to parrot back concepts and ideas, remember them for a limited amount of time before losing them to the void, and not how to fundamentally understand and learn them or utilize them in daily life. even higher education was like this, and i was not able to thrive throughout my experience with college despite making mostly okay grades (i cheated and lied a lot, okay. i'm not proud of it but i felt i had to get through or i would be severely punished). i had to a sign an agreement that i personally still do not fully understand to "obtain" my associate's degree, and i do not know why despite the fact it was explained to me, in detail. the information has not registered, and i now no longer have anyone that was involved in said agreement to explain it to me. everyone i say this to is like, "what? that doesn't make any sense." and i'm like. yeah. it doesn't, and i have zero ability to explain it to them in a way that makes sense.

i mention my associate's degree because i am sure in some form or fashion it was used against me in the disability process, since i was "able to complete higher education". also it should be noted i did an early college program. also probably has been used against me. also cheated through most of it.

people have always considered my kind of autism to be hyper competent, since it appeared that way when i was a child, despite showing several signs that i was struggling with a math-centric learning disability, called dyscalculia. i have since deteriorated to the point of barely having the knowledge a young adult should have, about how life works financially and honestly in general.

i have extreme fear about what may happen to me without proper assistance. my guardians will be able to take care of me for some time, but after that? that feels like a black hole to me. it doesn't exist nor will it while i am under-assisted, and this black hole fills me with utter despair. i try not to let it permeate my daily life, so as to not dwell in a future that doesn't exist yet and has the possibility for change. but god. it fills me with literal existential dread, and it is becoming so much more difficult to ignore the older i get.

a lot of factors have been used against me my entire life to deny me assistance, and these reasons being yet another factor has really dredged up a lot of shit from my past.

this is besides the point, but i also learned recently that CSAM was made and distributed of me when i was a child and wow. that has hit me in ways i cannot even describe. part of me is like, why was i not allowed to know after the fact, even when i became an adult? i was directly involved. why did no one tell me my abuser was convicted for counts of spreading CSAM, and that they lied directly to the court system about their inappropriate actions with me? i was disenfranchised in more ways than one by more than one person on allowance of my abuser, and i am just now hearing about it. i don't know how to deal and i don't know how to get started with victim advocacy in my area.

but at the same time, whilst being treated as severely more competent than i am, i have also been infantilized relentlessly, by nearly everyone around me. how does this make any sense. i feel incredibly stupid and uninformed and at the same time privy to things about my disabilities others are not, while not being able to effectively communicate it. i feel i am screaming and begging for help, nearly at my wits end with a lot of things, and all of it is reading as "owie booboo" to anyone who could do anything to help. i feel i am falling through the cracks, and i fear having to crawl back up through them. i fear i won't make the trek. i fear i will lose motivation and let myself rot. it feels like no one in a position of power has taken a true effort to really help me and i cannot help or advocate for myself. i am very scared.

on top of all of that stuff, i am withdrawing pretty heavily from cymbalta, experiencing heightened panic attacks every day, PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures), more episodes of psychosis and hallucinating than i'm used to, all of my mental and physical issues are out of control, and now this disability stuff. i also won't be able to see a psychiatrist for...maybe a week or so more, so no bridge meds till then.

these last couple weeks have just really kicked me down. thank you for reading if you got this far. i appreciate you more than you know and i have no idea where i would be without y'all and this blog. i love you all so very much.

-ish

[cantolopejeevas]

Good Morning, Goodnight

It’s spooky season, ya’ll, so here’s a fic for an AU where Daniel’s a serial killer because why not?

Warnings: Death, Torture, Mind Fuckery

Daniel watched as Liam peacefully slept away. Oh, how the sight made his heart throb almost painfully. Lips slightly parted, face so at ease, hair a tousled mess. And the smallest ghost of that charming smile. Gorgeous. A part of him wanted to just stay here and watch this forever. The mere thought that it would end made the pounding in his chest pick up.

Slowly, those blue eyes began to open. Still hazy, but that soon changed when Liam finally saw him.

“Ugh, where am I? Who are you?”

…Who was he? Who was he!? What the fuck did he mean by that!? 

No. You know what? Daniel should’ve expected this. Especially after what happened. So he simply took a deep breath and let a smile slip onto his face.

“I know you were drunk and drugged last night, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to forget a pretty face like mine,” he teased and circled around, putting his hands on Liam’s shoulders. “Come on now, think hard. I told you my name.”

Liam groaned and lolled his head back to look at him. “Last night? What, did we hookup or something? Fuck, my head hurts…”

Hookup. There was that damn word again.

“You could say that,” he said, voice still pleasant. Now it was forced, though. Forced through hurt, bitterness, fury. “We met at the club, danced a little, had a nice conversation. You told me that my eyes were the prettiest you’d ever seen. Then you took me home and, well…”

His face grew as hot as the boiling lava in his chest.

“I don’t think I need to spell it out for you.”

A moment of silence passed. Then Liam drew in a sharp breath, and began to struggle against the metal chair he was bound to. He pulled his arms and legs, even tried to shake off the little nodes that had been so carefully placed all around his body.

“What the fuck!? Oh god, are you some kind of fucking psycho!?”

“That’s not very polite,” Daniel muttered under his breath. Then he cleared his throat and dropped all friendly pretenses, throat tight as he continued, “But I guess the answer is again: you could say that. But you haven’t seen the fucking extent of it yet, so don’t go slinging those kinds of words around.”

“Let me go, you son of a bitch!”

Daniel heard the crack in Liam’s voice. Even saw the bravado on his face drop for just moment. So he leaned down, pressed his lips so lovingly to Liam’s ear, and whispered a sweet nothing to reassure him.

“Don’t worry. It only gets worse from here.”

That’s when he pulled back, ignoring the slew of curses and slurs thrown his way in favor of getting the game set up. Let’s see, what did he want to play today? Mario Kart? No, he wasn’t really in the mood for that. Too cartoonish. How about…

“What the fuck are you doing!?”

“Getting Smash Brothers set up. Do you want to be player one, or two?”

“I’m not playing any stupid fucking game with you, asshole!”

Daniel shrugged, then pulled out his handy-dandy little remote control. Back still to Liam, he made sure it was within his line of sight as he let his thumb toy with the dial. “Alright, then. I’ll just send a million volts through you right now and not even give you a chance to save your own miserable skin. How does that sound?”

Liam drew in a sharp breath. “Woah, wait! Fine, I’ll play! I’ll play! Just don’t fucking kill me!”

“That’s what I thought.”

Without further ado, he continued where he left off. But as usual, he couldn’t focus on the task at hand. There was a terrible, painful thought nagging at the back of his head. Too much ambiguity around it too, nothing had ever really been explicitly said. Well, now it seemed like this was his last chance to clear it up.

“I have a question for you,” he said coldly as he navigated through silent menus. The music was always too distracting during moments like this. And maybe he liked how the dead air put his guests on edge. “Now you better be honest with me, or I won’t be happy. Got it?”

“Okay, yeah, what is it?”

Finally at the character select screen, he idled about, half his brain wondering which character he should play as while the other half forced words out of his mouth. “You never intended to keep me around, did you? All those things you said, that was all just to get in my pants, wasn’t it?”

Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Their hearts were in sync, he could feel it. 

“No, I mean, you’re defintiely a keeper, you know? A guy’d have to be fucking crazy to do that to someone as… As hot as you!”

He was right.

And a goddamn liar.

“‘Get your shit and go. I don’t let flings stay the night.’”

“…Huh?”

Daniel quickly turned the dial on his remote halfway and pressed the button. Screams and static electricty filled the air, running through him, sending wonderful chills down his spine and along his skin. He counted out the seconds. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Then released the button to end Liam’s torment.

“‘Get your shit and go,’” he repeated and finally turned to face him, glaring hard even as his eyes twitched. “‘I don’t let flings say the night.’ Is it ringing any bells now? Or do you need another fucking reminder?”

Liam could only wheeze and tremble as lingering spasms rocked through him. Those pretty blues were all out of focus too, but still so wide with pure terror. 

Good.

“How about I tell you the other things you said to me, since you were so drunk last night,” he said in the sweetest voice he could muster, fingers fiddling with the dial. “Let’s see… Oh, how about this one?”

Zap!

“'No, you can’t have my number!’”

Zap!

“'No, we can’t meet up again tomorrow!’”

Zap-zap-zap!

“'Get out of my house already, whore!’”

Each controlled shock was punctuated by a hoarse scream. It was almost melodic how he got Liam to change pitch, tone, volume in the midst of it all. By the end he looked a little worse for wear, but that somehow made him even more handsome than before. In a sickening way that made Daniel want to drop him off the end of a pier, at least. He wasn’t truly attractive anymore, no, not at all. But now he was an experience, ready to be enjoyed.

Liam’s head dropped to his chest, but Daniel roughly grabbed his hair to force him back up. “It’s very rude to pass out on the first date.”

“F…” He drew in a harsh, wheezy breath as tears leaked down his cheeks. “First… Date?”

“And only,” Daniel muttered and let go of Liam’s hair. It was almost cute how he could barely hold himself up. And very frustrating. “Don’t worry, I’m just calling it that to make myself feel better about sleeping with such a vitriolic degenerate. I have a clean record to keep, after all.”

“What…”

“Don’t hurt yourself now. I love to talk, so I’d be more than happy to fill you in.” Letting a small smile slip onto his face, he turned the dial down to its lowest setting. “And maybe play with you a little more…”

“N-No, stop…!”

Zap!

“Let’s see, where should I start,” Daniel mumbled to himself and tapped a finger against his lip. Then his smile broadened. “Well, introductions are probably in order, right? The name is Daniel. Daniel Nadiva.”

Recognition briefly crossed Liam’s face. But the poor thing, his eyes just couldn’t focus no matter how much he tried to scrutinize. “I… That sounds familiar… Fuck…”

Daniel preened and placed a hand to his chest. “It should! I have a show that I do right here in the city. Talking Video Games, I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Not to brag too much, but I am a bit of a celebrity.”

“That’s… Cool.”

“I know, right? Of course, given that, my quick wit, and my pretty face, it makes me quite the catch. Even if people don’t quite see it…”

Was that a little passive aggressive? Maybe.

“That brings me back around to your little question,” he said as that quick little high faded back into familiar anger. But he kept up the facade. Wouldn’t do to have Liam on edge right now. “My clean record. See, it would be a shame if people found out that someone of such a high status slept around. One wrong move and my name gets smeared in the dirt. And I can’t have that, then how would I be able to do my show?”

“…I dunno.”

“Exactly! I can’t be seen as a harlot. So when someone tries to ruin that for me, I bring them here for a little date. That way I can say that I’ve only slept with people I’ve dated. See? Of course, that’s not all this room is for.”

“Oh yeah? And do you…” Liam swallowed thickly, his fear almost palpable. “Do you do this to everyone you bring in here, or…?“

Ah, the right question. But Daniel wasn’t quite ready to answer yet. 

He cupped a gentle hand to Liam’s face, letting his thumb stroke along his cheek as he said, “Well, before we get to that, it’s time for a little—” his smile fell into into snarl and he pulled his hand away— “test.”

Liam’s bottom lip trembled. “Test? What— ah!”

Just a little jolt to help jog his memory and motivate him. After a quick second, Daniel let go of the button and asked oh-so sweetly, “Do you remember my name, Liam, dearest? Or do you need a reminder?”

“Daniel! It’s Daniel! Please, oh god…!”

He hummed and fiddled with the dial. “Daniel…? Come on now, I gave you my last name just a minute ago. Don’t tell me you already fucking forgot it.”

“Fuck… I don’t know! You’ve been shocking the shit out of— oh, god, stop!”

This time, he kept up that steady stream of electric pain for another five seconds. It wasn’t as nearly as intense as the first time, Liam would be fine. Daniel knew better than to break his games before he was done with them.

“Let’s drill it into your empty fucking head, then,” he snapped as he released the button. “Nah-dee-vah. Can you say it with me? Nadiva. Nadiva!”

“Nnn… Nah… Dih-vah…”

“Wrong.”

It was moments like these that Daniel knew it was worth the investment to soundproof this room. Unfortunately, he was still subject to Liam’s beautifully horrid screams, and the sound was giving him a pounding headache. Not to mention he was getting a little bored.

“One last chance,” he growled, grabbing Liam’s jaw and turning his head up to lock eyes with him. “Daniel. Nadiva. Say it.”

“Dan… Daniel… Nnnn… Diva…”

Oh, that was pathetic. The glaze over Liam’s eyes was thick now, a sign that he was almost completely gone. Luckily for him, Daniel was feeling a little merciful. So he simply let Liam pass out. A little rest would get him right back into playing condition.

After a couple hours— during which Daniel made himself a nice cup of tea, took some ibuprofen, and made some good progress on his next script— he came back to the Game Room, pleased to see that Liam was wide-awake.

“Good morning,” he greeted in a cordial tone. “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better. Do you need anything before we play? A cup of tea, maybe a snack?”

“I’m fucking tired of playing nice with you, fucking psycho!” Liam snarled and thrashed against his chair. “You better let me out of here right fucking now, or I’ll fucking kick your crazy ass and call the cops on you!”

Daniel snorted. “You really think they’ll be able to help you?”

“I-I mean, duh!” That crack in his voice betrayed his doubt. “Why wouldn’t they? They’re the fucking cops.”

“Hm. Cute.”

That was all he said for the moment. Just enough to get Liam’s mind racing. He knew how those kinds of thoughts worked. They’d build up and fester, only spiralling down and down and down until he’d created his own living nightmare for himself.

Meanwhile, Daniel could finally get to the next step of the game.

“I call Samus,” he said as he picked up the controller and selected his character. “Who do you want to be?”

“Fuck you!”

And here Daniel had been hoping that Liam had learned his lesson. But maybe he hadn’t. There was that little unanswered question from earlier, that would be perfect to put it into perspective for him.

“You wanted to know if I do this to everyone I bring here, right?” he asked coolly. “Well, the short answer is yes. But do you want to hear the long answer?”

Silence. Conflict. The tension in the air almost made Daniel lose his goddamn mind. He could imagine what Liam was thinking— it was almost like they were made to share this moment together. Is he telling the truth? What’s the long answer? Oh god, there isn’t any hope for me, is there? I’m a fucking dead man! 

“The long answer,” he continued, voice a perfected deadpan that he knew would only set Liam off more, “is that I bring each and every person in here who well and truly pisses me off. Most of the time they’re one night stands. Sometimes they’re unruly guests on my show. I even—”

“What’s the fucking point in telling me this?”

Daniel let the thick silence sit for a few moments before interrupting it with a fresh round of Liam’s screams. After three seconds, he cut them off with a distasteful click of the tongue.

“Don’t interrupt me again,” he warned dangerously, then went about getting Liam’s arms unbound. “But the point is simply to let you know that you’re the newest guest for a rather prolific murderer. The Moonlight Killer? I’m sure you’ve heard of him, he’s all over the news. Well, fun fact, you’re getting on his last fucking nerves.”

Now he was close enough to hear whimpers. But that glare still managed to strike him to the core. That wasn’t part of the script. And it made his blood boil.

Zap!

There. That had Liam looking nice and pathetic once again.

“If you don’t want to end up being the twenty-seventh body fished out of the lake in the last two years, then you better clean up your act,” Daniel suggested with a gentle caress to Liam’s jaw. “Now your arms may be free, but that doesn’t mean you can go ruining my little gift for you.”

Liam’s finger twitched. Leftover static running through him, or the insatiable need to escape? The world would never know, because Daniel didn’t care to find out.

A harsh pull on his hair, jerking his head back and making him yelp, really emphasized Daniel’s key point. “One wrong move, and I’ll fry your ass right here and now. Is that finally getting through that thick, empty skull of yours?”

A nod, slow and careful. Finally.

“Good. Now I’ll ask this one more time: who do you want to play?”

Just to be nice, Daniel began to cycle through all the characters. As soon as he hovered over Samus, Liam finally spoke up.

“I wanna play him.”

“Her.And no. Pick someone else.”

No one else seemed to be good enough for him. About halfway through, Daniel’s brain glazed over in boredom. He was just about to say “fuck it” and really wreck his electric bill when Liam’s voice pulled him out of his own head.

“Him! That army guy, I wanna play him!”

Solid Snake? Whatever, to each their own. He selected the character and handed Liam his controller with a quick glance over to make sure every last node was still in place. With that taken care of, he got seated in his recliner and started the match, ready to finally feel that spark of excitement again.

Unfortunately, he didn’t get it. The match lasted all of two minutes because Liam’s hands were still a little twitchy. Or maybe he just had no idea what he was doing. In either case, he lost.

Hard.

“Wait, no,” Liam’s panicked voice started. “This is bullshit, you have to—”

At that point, Daniel tuned him out and went about cleaning the room up. Put controllers away, turn off the Wii, was there anything else he needed to do before the grand finale?

“Hey, psycho! Are you even fucking listening to me!?”

“No,” he answered in a long sigh, one hand pressed to his forehead. “I’m not. I got bored about ten words in. You might as well save your breath while you still can, I’m trying to think and all that yelling just makes me want to kill you sooner.”

“Wait! Wait, what if… What if we dated? That’s what you wanted, right? I’ll be your boyfriend and you won’t have to kill me!”

Daniel blinked. Oh. That was a new one. And he’d be a dirty liar if he said that the mere thought didn’t make his heart swell with hope. After so long of desperately craving love and affection, it was right there at his fingertips. All he had to do was say…

“No, thank you.”

Liam’s eyes went wide, then glued themself to the remote in Daniel’s hands. “Come on! Please! I promise, I won’t turn you in or anything!”

Slowly, every so slowly, Daniel turned the dial all the way up. “What’s my name?”

“Daniel!”

“Daniel…?”

“Um, Daniel! Daniel Nah… Fuck, oh god, please don’t kill—”

“Wrong.”

Zaaaaaaap!

Only after Liam’s screams finally stopped did Daniel let go of the button. All life had drained from those pretty blue eyes. And all fun. He let out a small huff. Honestly, this whole experience had been a little bit of a disappointment. At least Liam had still been somewhat enjoyable. But now it was time to shelf him.

When night fell, Daniel took Liam’s body to Moonlight Lake. And he would’ve gone right ahead to dumping the body if it hadn’t been for an unexpected sight.

A rather poorly disguised police car. No doubt on a stakeout, and they didn't even bother to hide the huge antenna. How boring.

At least Daniel had the foresight to turn his lights off as he got close to the lake. Now he could take on his own little watch until it was safe. Or just hang around and play his gameboy. He only hoped that whatever poor officer was on duty decided to fuck off before too long. If Liam began to rot in his car…

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. After about an hour— well past his usual time for this little errand, he had work tomorrow!— the cop took off.

Now free to continue his business, Daniel took Liam’s body out to the lake and gingerly placed it in the water. With one last loving smile and a touch to his cheek, he said, “Well, I had a nice time, but unfortunately, I don’t think we’re meant for each other. You’re too much of an insufferable asshole and you really have a way of pissing me off. That’s why I had to kill you. But don’t worry, the cops will take good care of your body. Goodnight, Liam, dearest.”

On that note, he pushed the body out further into the water. Seeing that cop had put him far too on edge for much more of a tearful farewell. He needed to do something to get them off his trail, and soon…

But now wasn’t the time to worry about that. A nice, warm cup of tea and his bed were calling his name.