#I'm not saying all of those relationships are good or healthy prison is a hellish environment and sometimes the dynamics reflects

[requiemforthestars]

People seem to be interpreting that the Caitvi scene was Vi's first time just because she was in prison. As if people don't have entire relationships while in prison.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary97

12/17-18/2023

sunday - monday

7:34 a.m. and i'm listening to x - los angeles.

still kind of reeling from the positive response to the show, i saw a guy on instagram, this guy who said the show was gonna make him go to the old him, listening to les rallizes denudes. that's very weird to me. to even influence people that much, at least it's good music, you know.

today has been pretty weird, i did some reading, and got a bunch of quotes. theory of a young girl is really interesting in how it feels to read, it's not very complicated theory-wise, and i don't think it says anything new to me (the ways beauty is a hellish prison, the pursuit of youth as spectacle, the way women (and everyone) are subjugated by the false liberation, into the market of choice, and the effects of this on us in relations, on us erotically, and so on), but it does sometimes hurt to remember, myself and others like me, who are terrified of aging. i am less like that now, but it's still there. everything scares me though.

i was thinking about baroquespiral's writing as a critique of this, and in particular his treating the young girl as an icon of wellbeing, essentially, of capital's health and beauty. but i don't think that works, the young girl is not about wellbeing entirely. we have the healthy girl thing on tik tok, or like, clean girl? it's not that, the young girl is that but the young girl is also on the other side of that, the affectations of danger, as much as anything else, in fashion trends and so on. when boys still love kanye despite (or maybe because of) his recent actions, they are still young girls, who are engaging with his outbursts as outside of abjection, outside of exile, because he is always able to be absorbed back into the body of capital and the spectacle, nothing he does exceeds or transgresses (he is monologic, especially now). i would justify saying that by saying he is always seeking, not just response, but re-integration, he anticipates people's enjoyment of racism/other reactionary habits, he does not transgress any social order by doing so (and no one could), he is trying to engage with the market, that massive single-cell organism, not splitting by mitosis so much as swelling, a membrane expanding into all parts of life. he is a fashion to them, to signal that they know what to do with those impulses, or better yet, that those impulses are really just playing, and do not halt their functioning (and maybe, access to channels to let these impulses free, they would say they are actually doing a service of some kind for others?). either way, efficiency, use-value, and the immediate sociality are never escaped.

i find the quote here about the biologization of sex here very interesting. i know what it is communicating but on a level beyond there feels like we have a critique of the ascendance of sex into scientific category, supposed as real, and the young girl is a place where the reality can be mapped out, and in image, spread back out to the living, so as to make them conform better. and so, passing becomes an issue for all of us, no matter what.

the other aphora here make me think about my relationship with my body, and working out. but i don't want to stop. this occurs to me many times in the reading, i quibble over wrinkles, i, in the book's terms, "rub shit on my face every morning," to keep good skin. i don't want to quit my skincare. i am too fragile to not do it. i really am. and working out helps keep me sane. and it makes me happy to see myself as able to change my body into closer to what i've always wanted.

here is more similarly pointed work regarding bodies and gender, but my favorite here is the final quote, the sense that any piece of an identity is on loan, received and these are things we can only use for a limited time.

the aphorism re: abjection here is quite interesting to me, it ties into what i wrote earlier, it makes me think of people i know and the inability to really deal with or recognize when something is terrible. it reminds me of a lot of my coworkers, and how they'd react to doing the dishes. it also reminds me of when people see anything very crazy for the first time, or even this reaction someone i know had to the texas chainsaw massacre, she said she couldn't handle the closeups of the eyes, she was not unsettled, she simply didn't receive it at all, they were boring.

the final quote, also recalls how i am sometimes. i constantly feel people staring. but i think it's kind of just trueeee, not because i'm so pretty everyone wants to fuck me (but i wish that were true, i think, that would be better than double-takes because i am kind of disgusting socially). but even still. it's obvious, i feel it too much, i am so tuned to that signal i am spitting it back out, half that surveillance is probably myself. that horrifies me and i can never get rid of that.

the first simply makes me think of my skincare routine, which i am likely going to remain enslaved to for the rest of my life. i feel, maybe psychotically, that in communism, we may still have similar pulsions to rub shit on our faces, to feel nicer. but not possessed by neuroses/the need to be a total surface.

the second quote recalls kristeva to me, and the lack of the negative, or the impossibility of the negative in the monologic. (the young girl is nothing if not a perfect representation of the monologic, you cannot exceed that surface and the rules of that surface, signals and symbols spat out, a hieroglyphic body.)

and these are all the quotes i pulled. they aren't why today is weird but before i get to that i want to note that i have gone in to mix 2 songs, mess with one of the ones i keep messing with, and i wrote a guitar part for a new tiny song. that's pretty good, i think. hopefully tomorrow i'll get more stuff done.

today started weird because shortly after i woke up, my gf's relatives from jersey just showed up, and sat in our apartment and talked to her mom, who drove them, and her brother. very weird overall, for me, i had not showered, i had not really done much, i just say and listened to their trailing conversation, about my gf's dad, in part, and just other goings on in the family.

they left, and then i did this like, evaluation for something that's basically amazon's mechanical turk but a different site. so this bitch will be evaluating neural net outcomes or whatever, maybe, if i did good enough. i think i hope i did. no other jobs i've applied for have said anything to me. so yeah. the best thing i can do i guess is be subservient to tech bros.

i am also feeling really really sick, i think it's allergies but my nose is ssuper sutffy and my throat hurt a lot, but that's better now, but i really feel abysmal honestly.

and whoops i forgot to post this so:

byebye!!!!!!!!