#I'm never gonna emotionally recover from this whole experience

[tardis--dreams]

The jumpiest boi

[dekusleftsock]

so hey, has it occurred to you yet that if Himiko actually does save Ochako's life after stabbing her, that would parallel her stabbing Saito except this time she gets to save her crush? who this time has openly accepted her and her feelings on her own terms?

because it's occurred to me

and i'm already never gonna emotionally recover from "you have the most perfect smile and I envy you" and "i'll give you my blood for the rest of my life" and "am i cute?/the cutest in the whole world", but if that happens i may as well just inscribe togachako into my DNA because it's never leaving me anyway

I ACTUALLY HAVENT THOUGHT ABOUT THAT AND YOURE A GENIUS!

I wonder if it’ll grant her some sort of relief on her punishment too. I’m really hoping toga saves ochako. I need it. I need the angst after this fluff and then even more fluff after that. I just need them. I need them in all their forms and everything.

If Saito is togas ex crush and the reason she had a crush on deku, and if saito rejected toga because he thought she was a “deviant” and Izuku did too for similar reasons… then why would ochako want to date someone who doesn’t understand her and togas fucked up love? He literally says he would never want to hurt the people he loves, Ochako DOES like seeing someone who is hurt being a badass though like toga. She likes blood similar to how toga likes blood. It is its own attraction and representation of the queer experience all on its own.

Deku wouldn’t like Ochako back, that’s all I know and that’s all I care about. And I think she knows it too.

My question on top of this, Japan is a very indirect culture. Confessing is HUGE. Why would she risk it KNOWING she likes seeing him hurt like toga and get rejected too? Even if deku doesn’t necessarily know about that, you should be able to share and be your entire self around the person you love, and toga embodies that. Ochako is her complete self around toga, admitting things like THAT she probably hasn’t said to anyone before.

348 just had so many small details that are paying off rn, I love that. Dekus attempt to “help” toga by “fixing her” was awful, especially in comparison to this chapter.

I’m excited. YOU KEPT ME UP DVEN MORE NOOO

[little-mouse-bed]

I'm just gonna vent here. I'm feeling down and lonely and sad. Been swiping on the dating apps and not having any luck. Feel like I can't say what I really want because I'm a super weirdo. I'm married but we are poly, and I don't think my partner knows how hard it is for married poly men to get attention.

My partner and I always wanted kids together but they are having a hysterectomy cause periods are becoming way too traumatic and nothing helps, and their other health problems make it probably too difficult. I want them to have a good life and make the right health choice, but I fell for them partly because they were a great mom and loved their kid so completely.

They are relatively ok with age play but don't really get into it. After having a mommy for years, it is so, so hard to ageplay with them and still feel alone.

I wish it wasn't so strange to just say, "Seeking a big titty mommydom who wants to have babies with me and my partner."

It doesn't help that I can be kinda superficial. My wants in a partner are all over the place. I want a conventionally beautiful, petite, classy, femme girl with huge plastic titties. A tough goth mommy who can manhandle me. A cute subby baby girl that I can dote on and spoil who likes being a good girl. Someone I can trust and feel safe relying upon, but is also unpredictable and wild. Someone who'd induce and lactate for me.

My first wife was a loving mommydom and my whole world. I was too young and dealing with serious psychological abuse at work, she had bpd, and things fell apart.

My current partner identified as a straight woman when we got together but now identifies as a queer enby. That's not what I signed up for, but I care about them and love them.

I realized though that I "married my mother" both times. Disabling mental health issues, medical problems, overweight and difficulty with self care. Emotionally distant or hard to read. I felt like they needed me to help them.

I'm turning 40 and I'm afraid I won't ever (or ever again) get to experience a lot of things I want terribly. I just survive each day waiting for my next paycheck with no real hope for the future. I've never been with a woman under 35. I love love love high femme women who like makeup and heels, but both my partners have kinda hated that femme stuff, after the newness wore off and they didn't care as much about what I think. 90% of the dating profiles I come across are older than me, have several kids and don't want more, don't want kids at all, think anything femme is patriarchy, or are not remotely attractive to me. I got one match that seemed interesting but she didn't seem to like me enough to keep talking.

The few things I'm truly happy about in my life are my awesome stepkid, my absolutely adorable baby niece, and that I'm finally fixing my relationship with my father. We're closer than we've been since I was 11 and I feel like that was something I missed dearly.

I just want someone to love me and take care of me without reservation. I work hard to provide for my family and I come home to make myself dinner and go to bed in the guest room because my partner wants to be up all night. I love them, but I haven't been in love for a long time. I think we all know it. I'm loyal, and even if we are struggling I can't fault them. I just spent every penny in my love bank and keep going deeper into the red.

Anyway, I'm just lonely and sad right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have a single friend I can talk to about more than the weather and the latest television. I spend all my time at work, caretaking my partner, keeping our house from falling down, or recovering from those. My only escape is singing two nights a week, but even that leaves me exhausted the next day and wondering if it's worth it.

I swear to god I feel better physically than I have since I was 20, but this just makes me feel old inside.

The little mouse I am in my heart is curled up somewhere cold and I can't find him most of the time. I want him back in my life but it just hurts when I try.

[marsduality]

TikTok by @Relationship_anarchy, In response to the comment: "so jarring to me. I feel betrayed, and the hurt is so deep. Any advice for how to move forward when you feel your partner's carelessness in a (3)"

[beginning of transcript]

So if courage is required for intimacy, what happens when you do take that risk and it doesn't work out for you and you get your heart crushed into pieces? How do you recover?

Well let me tell you, I am actually an expert in getting my heart crushed into pieces. So if you're looking at my life and you're like "how do I get me some of that?" This is the path, my friend, it's not like, all rainbows and butterflies.

For myself, when I give somebody my trust and I show up vulnerably and authentically, and they end up hurting my feelings, or breaking my heart, or breaking that trust, or whatever happens that ruptures relationships - the natural place, immediately that you go after that is like "I will never love again."

I mean it's like a way for your body to protect itself - its an act of self love to have these defense mechanisms. If you get hurt you're gonna wanna adjust and make sure you don't get hurt again. It's natural.

The thing is, you don't want it to get in the way from you actually authentically connecting with folks because what happens is this pattern - it happens one time, just one time you get your heart broken (everybody gets their heart broken, its a normal every-day experience) - it happens one time and then uh, your walls go up. But then when your walls are up, like how are you supposed to find that authentic connection with someone, you know?

So yes, what is guaranteed is that you are staying protected but what is also guaranteed is that you don't even have the possibility of like getting that deep authentic connection that you're craving.

Okay, so then like how do you reprogram the mind or how do you take that step into what feels like a very dangerous territory. So that you can actually get what you want, which is like this deep authentic intimacy. There is no other way to say this my friends, it is a spiritual path. [laughs] For me it's been a practice of surrender and impermanence. Knowing that nothing is guaranteed, no outcomes are guaranteed, I'm not trying to latch on to a particular outcome. I'm aware that when I take a risk, it's gonna unfold as it unfolds. And I can't predict the future. I am such an open book, as you can see, and I have had my heart crushed a million times. But each time I let myself feel my feelings. I'm like "damn this hurts so bad - like owie owie owie - attachment wound, oww"

If you resist the feelings, or if you resist what is, or if you're dwelling on the past, or if you're dwelling on "what did I do wrong? whats wrong with me?" you're actually just gonna be stuck in the same place and it's not getting you towards what you want. You gotta process those feels and move on. And it takes time, it's not like an overnight process. Part of developing Secure Attachment is having a whole list of things that you know to do to help yourself emotionally regulate.

[end transcript]

[eurydicees]

Never apologize for your long thoughts and tangents!!! Those take time and I appreciate the detail you go into. I'm sorry for not being clearer in my ask, I think my sleep deprivation got to me lol; I was actually asking about your thoughts on their friend groups/skills in university bc even though they have so much more...time and space to make friends, I always wondered how many they would really make in college and esp people like Hikaru and Kyoya

all good, all good! i’m glad you enjoy because i have SO much fun writing them out, even if you and i are the only people who actually click “read more.” anyways. thoughts. i have so many. oh god. i know you said not to apologize but. this is so much. and i only covered the friend thing, i didn’t even talk about skills. i will def think on that though because i have opinions on everything. well here we go i guess: 

i think one of the things i experienced in college was just a huge influx of opportunity. like. i was living with people that i saw all the time and thus became friends with them, and then friends with their friends, and then people in my classes, and people in the extracurricular projects i did-- like. there were just so many new people, and i go to a relatively small school. 

all of that being said, my experiences are (a) only my own, and i don’t think that everyone does this, and (b) very, very, very american. like. the quintessential “die over college apps and then thrive in college” american experience. i’m sure that a lot of my experiences wouldn’t apply in japan (just based on what i know from other media i’ve consumed / people i’ve talked to), but some of them are pretty universal, i think. 

okay all of that out of the way. i think that haruhi is going to have a very similar experience to me in that she doesn’t have a huge world outside of the hosts while at ouran, but once she gets to university, she’ll really thrive and branch out and find Her People, you know? over the course of the manga, she progressively learns to take initiative in things, as well as keep herself from burning out over that, and i think that’s something she continues to work on throughout university. 

tamaki would also be able to branch out a bit, but at the end of the day, the hosts are his family. the hosts are the people he cares about. he definitely makes other friends, and definitely cares about them, but he loves the hosts. i think he has trouble prioritizing anything other than the other hosts, which makes it hard to make new friends, at first. 

once he figures out that you can like. have multiple friend groups, he’s great. he also, i think, has to really accept that the other hosts are at different universities and are going to be making new friends, too, and he’s not going to be their “king” anymore. they’re all going to have to find different paths, and he has a lot of trouble accepting that for the others, even more so than he has trouble with it for himself. 

kaoru does a similar thing to tamaki, i think, where he has trouble making friends only because he has trouble accepting that everyone else is also doing new things without him. especially hikaru. we see him-- in both the manga and in the anime-- have trouble with the idea that their little family is going to break up, almost to the same extent that tamaki fears it. i think that really holds him back for a while, but once he accepts that, though everyone is moving on, they all still love each other, he’ll be able to make new friends. 

and oh god once he starts making friends, kaoru goes for it. he branches out wildly in university. he’s spent his whole life just sharing everything with hikaru, and once he starts trying to find out who he is apart from hikaru, he tries everything. he dyes his hair. he dresses like an e-boy. he joins a band, and then quits immediately. he wears dresses. he learns to do make up better than anyone else he knows. he takes every class he can. 

he also burns out, i think, probably during his second year of trying everything new and figuring himself out. once he recovers from that lapse, where he kind of gives up on everything, he then settles down into being a person that he’s happy with. jesus christ ok there’s this really good demon-megane post that i have been trying to find for AGES that i simply cannot find, about how kaoru and hikaru are when they get to university and have to work on their codependent relationship. i think about this post every fucking day. it’s so good and it’s so relevant rn. i’m gonna go looking for it again later. 

okay and this is gonna be a hot take, but i don’t think that honey and mori figure out how to make friends at university either, at least not until everyone else has graduated ouran and is off to university. in the manga, it’s honestly like they didn’t even graduate-- they go back to ouran for a lot of lunches, and they see the other hosts all of the time. i don’t think that, if they’re doing that, then they’re going to be able to make many friends at university. 

but once everyone has graduated, i think that they’d be able to branch out better. as soon as they don’t have a significant fear of missing out on host club shenanigans and their old friends’ lives, they can kind of move on and find other people-- which is just. gonna be so good for them. mori, especially, would have a great time in college trying out new things without worrying about honey (mori has eldest daughter syndrome, change my mind). honey has always been popular and charismatic, and once he truly moves on from ouran emotionally, i think he’s going to have a great time making friends. 

and on the other end of the spectrum, i think kyoya would be. suffering. like. he’s friendly with people, but he doesn’t have friends. he’s so focused on studying himself to death that he doesn’t have time for emotionally valuable friendships, and i don’t think he really wants them either. like i said in that last post, i think he’s pretty satisfied with what he’s got, and he’s not going to want to branch out much. also i wrote an entire fic about this lmao. 

similarly, hikaru would have the worst time trying to make friends. i think that he has one of the most impressive character arcs throughout the manga, but he still has a long ways to go in terms of his social skills. and if we’re talking anime-only, hikaru has absolutely no idea how to like. be a good friend. he’s so used to just using people that it’s hard to not do that. and even then, he’s so wrapped up in the hosts that he doesn’t really know how to find other people.

side note, but i think he’d also have a lot of trouble at ouran after tamaki + kyoya graduate, because he really just doesn’t know how to find people outside of the hosts. during university, he probably has a lot of trouble figuring himself out-- what he wants to do with his life, with his career, with people. he doesn’t like. seek out clubs, and just takes random classes, and doesn’t reach out to anyone. i love him so much, but he’s definitely a mess in university. he figures it out, i think, but it does take him a hot sec. he needs a year to learn how to stop burning bridges via anger issues, and how to not rely on kaoru for the social skill aspect of a friendship, and what he actually wants to do with himself. GOD. i’m thinking about that post AGAIN. every time i think about the twins i think about that post it is KILLING me. 

but in conclusion, all of the hosts miss each other so terribly during university, and they have such a rough time trying to figure out new relationships. except for haruhi, who fuckin thrives in university, except for the fact that she’s studying all of the time and doesn’t know how to manage her time. but that’s just the #college life. anyways i am SO curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this bc it’s a very very interesting question! 

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hi Colour! How are you doing today? I don't know about doing meaningful things with my life, feel like I've just been surviving this entire time lol. However I am trying to figure it out and working on building the life I want to live and hopefully I will be able contribute to this world in some way.

I don't think I've ever played a game of trivial pursuit. Have never been to a pub either, not like the ones you have in the UK anyway. Just been to very dirty bars where me and my friends used to drink as much as we could afford, shared questionable food that could potentially make us sick the next day and there were no quizzes or games really haha. So your exp sounds way more fun! 😂

I'm glad you're giving the song a chance! Only Spotify knows how many times I've listened to it lol. I reckon Hozier's going to be my artist of the year for 2021. I love attributing works of art to Dani x Jamie, have a whole ass Pinterest board full with images of paintings, poetry, music and anything that I think relates to them really (yeah I know, I have a problem).

I love everything you've said about how Dani, Viola and the lady in the lake are alike, I hadn't really thought about their similarities before, but everything you've said makes perfect sense. I always saw Viola as a narcissist, even her drive to protect her child felt selfish in a way, don't know if you know what I mean. And when she fades away and becomes the lady she's just pure (almost animalistic) instinct while on auto pilot, bc she only remembers rage and abandonment, she takes anything on her path aggressively unless they're a child. So what she sees in Dani is not processed logically, right? It's pure instinct and emotions, so what she recognizes in her when Dani invites her in is the desperate need to protect this child, so she sees her as deserving. Perhaps she also saw in Dani and opportunity to escape this nightmare. Despite all her faults she didn't deserve what happened to her either.

And don't get me wrong, Jamie is so, so strong and solid and she is my favorite mostly bc I identify with her personality more than Dani's. But we know Jamie is all that even before we learn her story, and I feel like it is expected that she'll be the strong and brave one bc she's had to be that her entire life albeit unwillingly. But Dani? We expect her to break at any given point, I mean she is reaching her limit after all that's happened, with all the weight she's carrying. I remember thinking "Jesus, this girl needs help" when I first watched the show hahaha. But she fights every damn time, she doesn't run away and that's why I find her so fascinating. That's why I thought this song was so fitting. Even if Dani would never see herself that way. But it's Jamie's perspective (and fire signs tend to exaggerate everything 😂) so it feels fitting that she thinks so highly of her baby haha. Ugh I just wanted them to stay together forever. 🥺

Omg yes! I love how you refined this idea, good thing you're a writer and I'm not hahaha. And yeah I'm absolutely here for sapphics with weapons like holy shit imagine Jamie fighting with a sword? 🤤 I'm weak. Hahaha would be cool to see them in a pirate AU too! Maybe someone's already done it? Idk. But aaaah I want to see them in every possible universe hahaha. Makes me want to get back into drawing too. 😩

Aww you two sound like you have a lovely bond going on. Your niece sounds like the coolest! I started out drawing anime too when I was a kid and ended up doing graphic design for a living! How did learning how to draw anime style go for you today?

Hey I'm doing great thank you I hope you are too? I know that feeling because I feel like that's how I have made it to 27 just surviving (barely) and taking things one day at a time to get me to this point and hopefully I can contribute in some way even it its just a small way... so I totally get that feeling but I am sure you contribute so much without you even realising it!! Oh it's great but depending on how competitive the people you're playing with are it can get pretty heated... I've been in some heated games of it before because people just refuse to believe I know the answers to some of the questions and they think I've been cheating and have all but demanded I have another question asked instead of the one I got right... and pub quizzes can be fun again depending on the team you're in and how seriously you wanna take it I have been in teams where its been a serious thing and we have all desperately wanted to win and then I've been in teams and we've just had fun with it... all the pubs I go in are dirty bars too but sometimes they have pub quizzes... I have had many nights where I have drank what I can afford... one night me on my roommate went over board though and we ended up spending ALL our money even our taxi fair and we had to walk home in the dark along country roads with hardly any lights to guide us... because of how drunk we were it too us around 3-4 hours and I fell over a road sign and ended up in a ditch... I've had a lot of fun experiences but some really stupid ones as well... your experiences sound great though!! I would love that!! I listened to the song and I loved it so much!! I don't even wanna know what my most listened to artist will be this year... my money is on it being the Six musical soundtrack... probably All You Wanna Do from that musical I'll be surprised if it's anything else. I would love for it to be someone like Hozier, but ever since I have done my Spotify wrapped thing it's always been a musical of some kind that's been my number 1 song / artist haha I love doing the same thing. If I can make something fit Dani x Jamie I will like it doesn't even matter what it is haha... I don't think you have a problem I think that sounds so cool!! I have nothing like that. I just have a head full of random ideas screaming to be let out I agree Viola is definitely selfish and narcissistic and everything she did came from a place of anger and rage over the things that happened to her she fell in love and got married and had a child and saw her sister try and take that from her while she was ill and in the end her sister killed her. Like yeah, I do feel sorry for Perdita with the way she was treated but I do think everything Viola did was out of frustration over what was happening to her. Like you said she acts on auto pilot and only knows rage until it comes to children- because all she knows is she is looking for a child so when she saw Dani so selfless sacrifice herself for a child she saw a little bit of herself in Dani she knows Dani is a good person and she can relate to that protective streak and I think she did see Dani as deserving I definitely agree with everything you've said here. Viola might have had faults and flaws and who doesn't? But I definitely think she had it rough and did deserve better than she was given. I agree, you can tell looking at Jamie that she is strong and brave while Dani comes off as the exact opposite. But I think you see fully how brave they both are when Dani sacrifices herself for Flora and when Jamie offers to keep Dani company and loves her despite knowing she won't be able to love her forever. I love Jamie but definitely relate to Dani's personality more, there are a lot of things Dani does that I see myself in her because I have done those types of things myself and the whole beast in the jungle speech resonates with me so much and every time I watch the last episode and hear that speech I am a crying mess from that point on. It's funny that you thought that about Dani when you first watched it, because me and my sisters got my mum to

watch it and she said the same thing about Dani "she needs help" but then once told me she liked Dani because she reminded her of me that was an interesting conversation to be a part of "Dani needs help... but I like her she's like you." I was like "Thanks?" I agree this song is definitely more how Jamie would see Dani, I think Dani just has a very blasé view of herself, like I don't think she's self conscious or self deprecating in anyway but I think she sort of walks around like "this is me and this is just how I am" where as Jamie just sees Dani for how brave and strong and amazing she is- maybe even if as a fire sign she exaggerates a little bit haha Jamie just thinks Dani is the most amazing person in the world and I just know that Dani saw her the same way!! I really wanted them to be together forever... I am never going to emotionally recover from Bly Manor. Your idea was incredible and I think it would be a great story to read honestly that's the type of thing I live for!! OMG Jamie with a sword is just 🤤 🥵 I am all for sapphics and weapons of any kind!! There's this pirate AU which is absolutely amazing!! I don't know if you've read it or not but iamalekza writes some really great fics!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631598/chapters/70179306 ^^ Pirate AU I really wish I could draw I would love to be able to draw scenes from fics I have read and even ones I have written but I just don't have the skill set for that!! I would love to see other fan arts though I think drawing is such an incredible talent to have and I am in awe of anyone that can do it!! Me and my niece have a great bond, she's like a little mini me (despite almost being as tall as me). She is honestly such a cool kid I have a hell of a lot of fun with her- I'm looking after her again tomorrow and I have no idea what we're gonna do but we will figure something out... she's such a good drawer she's only just started doing it at the beginning of the year and she's really progressed with it... I however have not so I am definitely gonna need more practice. That's so cool that you started out doing anime drawing and then ended up going into a career in graphic design. Again that's a talent that I am just in awe of because it's just something I have never been able to do!!

[dzpenumbra]

11/18/22

Ugh, searching for some good vibes tonight, but watching Twitch left a bad taste in my mouth. I might as well get that out. But first... I really just need to stop watching Twitch. I just... I fucking hate YouTube ads. And I really really don't want to spend like 25 bucks a month on YouTube Premium. It's just a bit excessive. I really like long-form media - something I know I'm going to stick with for a few hours while I'm doing a project or something. Livestreams can scratch that itch. But the vibes today were just... really upsetting, honestly.

I had been watching an RPer who plays a hippie chick, and most of it is exaggerated and parody, but a lot of it is relatable. I don't know, I guess my empathy is just cranked wide open lately. By that I mean... when difficult topics come up, I just immediately go into "what if" mode, or flash back to when I went through stuff like it. And that's really emotionally difficult on a regular basis, to be honest. It's not enjoyable. I really need to work on it. I think my anxiety problems are very internal and not like "oh I'm nervous to stream because some asshole might show up and be rude".

I guess I feel compelled to do this work urgently because of how often it affects me, how profoundly it affects me, and how difficult it is to manage and recover from it. It's very counterintuitive for me to see such a big issue causing ripples and inhibitions in my life and just... not put all my resources towards fixing it. Instead, to like... write music, or make jewelry, or draw shit. It feels like I'm literally not working on my problems, the things that hold me back. But, and I really do need to be reminded of this regularly, I have plenty of time to do that work. And I can't do that work when I'm overstressed, or else I burn out. So... the self-care, the therapeutic work, that needs to happen first.

I've written about this recently, it's just a hard one to hold on to. Baby steps, I guess.

So... I should really find some good documentaries or something. I used to watch these long documentaries on ancient civilizations, and ancient mythology, and videos of archeological digs and shit. I should get back into that. The skate vids are great, but I end up just watching the whole time. They're not great background noise. And I kinda want something a bit more intellect-occupying than music. I feel bad saying that but it's kinda true. I want a full-on story. A narrative. I want to learn and go on an adventure while I'm working. It's a substitute for social interaction. Music had been a thing I saved for social art gatherings, sharing that during group art stuff. But... it's been quite some time since anyone wanted to do that...

I really don't want to go depress-o mode before bed, so... I'm just gonna try to stick to the highlights of the day. It snowed early in the day, it was cool to watch that! And then I sanded down a few mineral pieces, adding bevels to them. Oh shit, and I finished two more wood beads too! So, that was good!

I did some more Tarot study. The Wheel of Fortune and The Hanged One came up today. Both pretty big cards, more so the Wheel honestly. But yeah. That was a bit intense, but cool to get to know the cards, and good to get even more familiar with how to read them. It's a really weird thing to learn, honestly. It's like learning dream interpretation. Like... these are kinda universal symbols that show up in myths all over the world, all throughout history. Stuff that just shows up in our stories. Archetypes, I guess. I never really studied enough academia to be able to get all the lingo and all this, I prefer exploring and playing. Sorry. Academia can often be so fucking bland and boring, just in like... the energy of how information is conveyed. Very monotone and precise and emotionless. So... interpreting these symbols based on the life experiences of people who you don't know has got to be like... I don't know, like how do you relate these things to people? Like I get that The Hanged One is about a moment in life where you kinda need to submit yourself to a change in perspective in order to make profound growth, and make great sacrifices to do so. But the benefit is well worth the sacrifice. And I can relate a moment where I had to make that kind of choice. But I'm not really confident in whether I could help someone really find that moment in themselves? I don't know, maybe I'm just doing that whole anxiety thing. How would I even know, I've literally never read anyone else's Tarot. Like... ever. What the fuck, wow, that's a fun realization. XD

Okay... so I had two friends reconnect with me over the summer. I'm kinda using the term loosely now because they're both off working on themselves, and not on the best terms. Both of them were very into Tarot. Both of them helped introduced me to Tarot. I showed them my deck and all. But they never wanted me to read for them. And one of them read for me. So...

See, I think I kinda got a little too used to that. I kinda got a little too used to people just expecting me to do free tattoo designs for them, and give them free gallery-level, professional-grade art that I found sitting on the floor in a closet space when I visited. I got a little too used to the whole "well you should have just asked me to pay you, this is really on you". Maybe I didn't know better treatment was an option? Ugh.

No, I don't want to go down this path tonight. I have therapy tomorrow, I can explore that there or some shit. I'm just... aware that my deprivation from appreciation and support and... I guess participation (?) in my life has resulted in a sort of programming in my head. Pavlovian training, is a pretty good term I use a lot. So after years and years and years of putting a painting in front of my community and having them go "wow, that's cool, you're talented"... and that's it. That's the crescendo. I guess I just don't really believe that I'm ever going to actually sell art. Or jewelry. Or music. Or custom artified clothing. Like... I believe in it. I believe it's possible. I have faith. But I don't have reference material in my head to compare it to for the concept to really concretize.

This is the method I'm using to learn the Tarot. Using personal experiences, memories, Past, as a reference point to associate with cards - concepts. And I guess a lot of the issues I have with my anxieties is that I have a mountain of memories of that shit going wrong, or at most just being like "oh, that's cool... next... Like. Scroll." And because that's pretty much the totality of my feedback from my work, it's really hard to conjure up a mental image of someone coming up and being like "Do you have more?" "Can I commission a piece from you?" "How much does that one cost?" "Is that for sale? I have to have it!" Like... I really struggle to actually picture in my head someone saying that to me. And I'm trying to not beat myself up over that, it's just the thing I struggle with, and it's really not my fault. I just had bad teachers.

With the lack of support, interest and enthusiasm I have gotten around my work. All of my work, all genres, all mediums. I am legitimately shocked I haven't given up yet. It would be so. fucking. goddamn. easy. to. give. up. I mean, I would be soulless and start getting physically ill all the time... not even exaggerating, that's what happened last time I quit art. But I have many opportunities and tons of available encouragement every day to stop pursuing art as a primary career. I've even been in meetings with people whose roles were to advise the shaping of my immediate future who were trying to coerce me into getting into other related lines of work. Not kidding. I remember one woman, bless her heart she meant so well, saying "well my daughter really wanted to be an artistic photographer, but you know... she had to be a wedding photographer." Kinda like "Look, I know you want to be an entertainer, but like... sell GFuel (totally not a drug /s) to your teenage audience. Sell plastic-wrapped meal substitution bars. Push this shitty mobile game." Like... why the fuck would we discourage people who have spent years and years cultivating a unique creative vision of something very catered to their individual skills? I mean, how the fuck can you discourage someone from following their passions, and call yourself a support system?!

See? See how quick I just go right back to stress mode. Okay... I think I've made my point, so I'm gonna just vent one last thing real quick. I'm just grumpy because I made a point to get to bed early tonight. I was prepped to start journaling at 2. That's a big jump from 5. And I stupidly watched Twitch to catch this interaction between two characters I've been watching a lot. And after like half an hour, it just left the worst taste in my mouth. And I was just like... I wish I just hadn't. I wish I had just played with my cat, journaled and gone to bed. So I think I'm going to work on that.

Positive note to end on. I finished a second bracelet. This one has my first hand-carved wooden bead in it. It's actually pretty cool and I'm proud of it. I put in a bead to use as a... I don't know the term... a stopper? Like it goes in a loop and the bead catches and holds it on as like a clasp or whatever. I don't know terms. But yeah, I tried that and it works really well. I'd like to explore making adjustable bracelets/necklaces, but I'm not quite there yet. So that was cool, because it was like a week in the making and I kinda abandoned it around when the fights happened. But today I committed to finishing it and it's very clean. I'm happy with it. Its big enough to wear, but a bit too tight for me. So it's inspiring me to make another one, a bigger one, for myself. And then... I'll have my first jewelry piece that isn't for me. That is available for others. :D That's a cool feeling!

No music today, I'll see if it calls me tomorrow, not gonna kick my ass any harder than I need to. I'd also like to see if I can find cool ways to wire-wrap these beveled quartz pieces. That could open some cool doors.