#I'm literally crawling in my skin

[dalishthunder]

Biting biting biting biting biting biting

[rosurie]

rambling? a statement if you will ♡

I'm doing some redesigning. I briefly mentioned why in a reblog with the updated version of some designs but I wanted to just make a post to clarify [let me note that this was a post that was decided by both me and Dollya so please don't think I felt forced into it, it was actually something I had already planned on doing before speaking with Dollya]

but back to the redesigning! why am I redesigning? partially because I'm indecisive and mostly cause i realized that i was heavily referencing designs i liked and that didn't sit well with me. I'm specifically referring to Dollya's [ @dollya-robinprotector ] design for fem Robin and Fray's [ @fraternum-momentum ] design for Syd and old design for male Robin. not only did it make me feel gross once i actually sat with it but it's super disrespectful towards the artists, even if it wasn't my intention. you may notice that I've deleted some posts, for example my "welcome to dolville" post, and that's because I am currently redesigning. I'd rather not still have those old designs lingering around on my blog, not just for their sake as two artists I really love but also my own. these old drawings with these designs were always going to be taken down post my realization that I was basically just copying and pasting what I saw on my feed from these two onto my own designs.

I've actually spoken with both Dollya and Fray about this situation. we're okay now! though they'd both be perfectly in the right to be upset with me, they were both very calm and nice about the situation so I'd like to thank them [again lol. I just know y'all must be tired of me thanking you and saying sorry. also Fray, don't worry I'm not beating myself up over this ♡ but thank you for worrying. the posts were going to come down regardless lol] this is unfortunately probably not the first time I've done something like this, the only difference being that no one saw it before because it was artwork I never bothered posting and I ended up changing the designs again when I did start posting. it's not from a place of malice, honestly most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it for a bit, but it's still like shitty behavior. so I felt Fray and Dollya both deserved an apology. plus Dollya and I both thought a clarification was needed for people who follow me and for their sake [and for future reference because this sort of situation I'm sure isn't uncommon, in fact Dollya told me how common it was for her].

anywho thank you guys for reading and sorry for the long post but it was necessary ♡

tldr I took down some old posts because I was basically just copying designs and I hated it as well as the designers. and Dollya and Fray were both very understanding of my dumbassery ♡

edit note: I hope this doesn't come across as me trying to make excuses, because I'm not. I engaged in shitty behavior and I own that.

[sailingfireshipz]

Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by this singular scene from 12x13

[icewindandboringhorror]

currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....

[backpackingspace]

You know what's fucked up is that I can physically feel the torture under my skin when the torture was all psychological. She never laid a hand on me because she did not have to and YET here I am wanting to claw my skin off bc I can feel her touch and influence in my brain and under my skin and I'm going to fucking throw up

[maraczeks]

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[chasing-chimeras]

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[daz4i]

thinking abt that time on this site when it was rampant with transmeds and nbphobes and a post I've seen in the genderfluid tag along the lines of "you're not a different gender you just have more dysphoria on some days and less on others. this is true abt all trans people" and I'm still losing it years later. girlie literally can't process that other people may have different experiences from them so they decided what we feel. oh my god

[merrilark]

is my tinnitus 10x worse today because i'm unusually agitated or am i unusually agitated because my tinnitus is 10x worse?

idk but oh i need to really work on making weekly alone time a thing somehow. it won't take care of the tinnitus but i think i would feel better in other areas, and then the tinnitus would be less maddening to deal with.

[kelin-is-writing]

(completely) blank blogs make me feel anxious...

[flowergirlmiwa]

every single time ive ever seen anyone say something about "body language" it makes all the alarm bells in my head go off

[timothyslucy]

so how am i supposed to feel about shauna? cause quite frankly i think she’s a sociopath, and not in the fun, silly, goofy way.

[novadreii]

i normally love therapy and look forward to it every week. a hour to pick apart my bitchbrain with someone who can actually point out stuff in my blind spots and is literally paid to give a fuck? yes please.

but i also have months like this where it's a slog. i'm tired or i'm cranky or whatever other excuse impedes my ability to give a shit about dissecting myself each week. but i think, funnily enough, that it's a ~symptom of something deeper~ (I'm in a dissecting mood tonight; therapy in 45 mins).

my intuition is that when i start to feel myself getting lazy about therapy, i need to dig in harder. i am probably on the cusp of working through something big, because my avoidance is kicking in to protect whatever shitty beliefs/perspectives that i ~believe~ have been serving me so far (they haven't).

it's one thing to do to therapy when it's a fun hour to bitch and moan and get everything off your chest. and while I do have those sessions, i try to be intentional about saying my piece and then shutting the fuck up so my therapist can tell me shit i need to hear, that i likely don't want to.

[boyapologist]

made an appointment with a psychiatrist so I can get appointed to a psychologist uuuunnggggggh

[homunculus-argument]

The thing about having and clearly expressing healthy boundaries is that it makes your partner feel safe, too. I grew up around people who wouldn't clearly express what they wanted or didn't want me to do, only quietly tolerated whatever I was doing that they didn't like, until they wouldn't, and then snapped at me for having obliviously annoyed them this entire time. I got tested for autism several times for never learning how to read minds.

My boyfriend has learned to express boundaries for intimacy in his sleep. Literally. He sleeps with just a sheet for a blanket during the summer due to the heat, and if I'm awake when he isn't, I can request cuddles by gently trying to tug the blanket from him, to crawl under it for skin-to-skin contact. If he wants me there, he lets me, and he'll roll over and wrap around me as gentle but inevitable as sweet summer rain. And if he doesn't, I won't push.

This one time I was the big spoon, and he gently pulled away and drew the blanket over his back like the curtain of a theatre stage. Show's over, done cuddling, my cue to turn over to my own side of the bed. And this morning, when I woke up before him, I tried to tug his blanket just a little just to see if it's cuddle time. And he gripped the blanket corner in his fist comically fast. Like shup. No cuddles. And I'm glad he does that - I don't want to be there if he doesn't want me there.

Love isn't about sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of someone else's. It's about not being able to be happy yourself unless your loved ones are happy too.

[maraczeks]

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