#I'm just so so fucking tired and miserable and I hate that every ideology tells me it's my fault for not being braver. not being good.

[schrodingersdiary]

victims tend not to have a ton of "faith" that the people around them would suddenly stop abusing and killing them if only there was no such thing as civil rights anymore or w/e

my lived experience has always been that no good deed goes unpunished, and people can & will eagerly hurt me to the maximum limit they think they can get away with. I'm not optimistic that my abusers would be nicer if they perceived themselves as being bound by nothing at all anymore

The xtians who waterboarded me at age 5 to force me to convert, the white supremacists who followed my dad home and jumped me on my sixth birthday, the lifeguards who regularly held me underwater at the pool or forced me off the highboard because they thought it was funny to watch my hysterical fear, the teachers from 1st-6th grade who raised their hands to me, made me sit on the floor, publicly humiliated me for crying & took my medications away so I would get sick as punishment for being abnormal, the unventilated closet that same school locked me in every day for six weeks as punishment for hitting one of my bullies back just ONCE, the adults who exposed me to extreme BDSM and sexual violence and groomed me so that even now experiencing fear around sex or sexual violence gives me the compulsion to self-harm as punishment for being a "prude"...

not that it's this person's problem or anybody's problem but I'm increasingly ready to just finally jump off the bridge downtown so I don't have to keep fighting for a future that will never, ever be soft to me anyways. anarchy, socialism, communism, capitalism, they all have no use for a broken animal like me

I can't work, I'm mentally physically and emotionally damaged beyond repair, every healthcare provider I've approached for physical OR mental care has always gone "wow that's completely overwhelming and I don't want to deal with that, good luck tho!" Is my neighbor suddenly going to agree to help me for no particular benefit in a world where securing everything he needs to live is now entirely and exclusively on his own shoulders and ability to make himself valuable to the local community? or is the answer for people like me still going to be "figure it out on your own or just kill yourself already"

If law and the government are dismantled and you all get to live this great life you're suggesting will become the norm, I'm happy for you, but no matter what happens, I'm never going to get to see it. Hope and the future are for human people, not tools and vermin