#I'm gross
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I just want to curl up and hide my unwanted grotesque body under the covers for the rest of my life
#i want to be seen but i want to be invisible too#personal#body dismorphia#ed but not sheeran#tw ana diary#unlovable#fat#im ugly#im gross#i'm gross#depression#depressed#ednos#not eating#tw ed#eating disorders#fatty#i hate my body
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It's crazy I don't even know how long it'll take to get decent thick body hair because I started shaving/waxing before I even started puberty so literally it's never grown out 😯
#i have like a decent amount of armpit hair but it's still like 'oh she was too lazy to shave in the winter' and not intentional-looking yet#I've been wearing tshirts instead of my usual tank tops because I'm still self conscious even though i want to do this#I'm already self conscious at the gym#and at contortion class my pits are in the coach's face a lot and I'm scared one of the coaches who's super judgemental and mean will think#I'm gross#also im scared of what my mom will think 😯#she's pretty natural and never wears makeup but this may cross the line for her#she wouldn't be MAD at me#after all I'm almost 28 and can do whatever i want#but she doesn't like alternative looks#it's so stupid honestly I'm overreacting probably haha
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This is literally Homelander
We have GOT to pick a better name for our galaxy than the Milky Way, if aliens ever come from the Andromeda Galaxy they're gonna think it's a horny thing
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a peaceful moment of eye contact
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i've noticed just how often achilles' dragging of hector's corpse is framed mostly as an act of extreme disrespect, or only some brutal show of triumph. personally i think that's underselling both achilles' intention and what the trojans must be thinking as they watch it happen.
hector's corpse is divinely protected so it can't be damaged by the greeks after death; all that effectively happens in the iliad is that his body gets dirty. but under normal circumstances (and i'm not gonna impose realism on mythology, but the iliad is famously detailed when it comes to bodily trauma), the physical reality of dragging a corpse along stony ground for miles would be severe disfigurement and dismemberment. first the skin would wear off, then soft tissues, then extremities would start to detach. i think the iliad's original audience would be aware of that as an intended outcome.
achilles (who doesn't yet know that hector's body has been granted divine stasis) doesn't just want to parade his enemy's corpse around, he wants to tear it apart ("i only wish that this fury inside my heart would drive me to carve you to pieces and eat your flesh raw..."), he wants it to not resemble a human anymore. he wants hector's blood and flesh to circle the city of troy. he wants to make it impossible for hector's family to gather the pieces of him to cremate and that way hector's spirit won't find passage into the underworld. that's what the gods are preventing from happening, they're not just keeping the corpse pretty for priam to pick up later.
#it's so rarely acknowledged academically and NEVER in adaptations (not even the '''''realistic'''' ones)#like you can see a billion artistic depictions of hector's corpse tied behind the chariot#but i think it's easy to forget what achilles is TRYING to do (and why failing to do so frustrates him so much)#AND why the sight of it would be especially horrific to hector's loved ones#anyway sorry for being gross and gruesome my excuse is that i'm an iliad nerd with a medical degree#i love hector he is precious to me i swear#the iliad#tagamemnon#gore cw#edited the opening to this post because my original wording was very glib about 'our' perception of violence
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OK this question has been bugging me all morning so y'all please let me know
bc ours did nd I never thought much of it as a kid but know I'm thinking about it and it feels kinda gross? so pls tell me if this experience was universal or not it will haunt me forever otherwise
#i. i do not know what to tag this as.#emetophobia warning#??#yea this came to me cuz i've been nauseous all morning bc i'm hungry but can't eat bc Food Is Gross#nd it made me think abt good ol vomit bowl. I miss that bowl i loved her like a sister
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we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.
"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."
i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.
you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"
i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.
what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.
i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.
"don't make a big deal about this," you said.
this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.
"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.
you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."
the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.
afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."
#spilled ink#writeblr#i'm trying to write about this really specific and wierd new experience#that i think is specific to the internet generation#where people you trust can just... say whatever??? and while most people are trustworthy#sometimes they'll just like... put ur shit out there????#and the thing is that sometimes it's GOOD - i want you to tell ppl if ur partner is being cruel!!!!!#i want u to be like ''hey is it normal if xyz happens'' ... but stuff like ''she's afraid of the dark''#PARTICULARLY when it's CLEARLY making fun of me....#what is the point of that.#this is huge and complicated and happens outside of romantic relationships too btw#like someone u thought of as a friend will be like . oh did u know she's scared of heights and it's like.#girl why are u fuckin doing that tho?#it's not a SECRET i just ...???????????????????????#and i think that gross feeling of like -- ''i can't REALLY be upset bc there's not a TRUE RULE about this....''#it's just not something talked about. bc it's so specific and yet so complex#bc how could i say like '' this is a violation of trust'' when it... technically I GUESS isn't????????????#idk maybe im just like super sensitive but please tell me in the comments/tags/etc if this is#something u have experienced (a trusted person like spreading ur shit) and if u were cool with it
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AuDHD is so funny sometimes like what do you mean my hyperfixations/special interests will last for years on end or possibly forever but they will cycle out every month or two with absolutely no transitional period or warning. like i will think about the same topic every day obsessively for 46 days in a row and on the 47th day with no visible cause adhd brain goes "ok! bored of that now" and autism brain goes "dw i got something queued up for ya" and i blast into full blown obsession on some other topic whose mental file folders haven't opened in 9 months. brain's out here treating hyperfixations like a crop rotation. once the dopamine runs out it cycles in another one but once something's in the rotation it never ever leaves. last summer we brought in one from when i was 11. it's so funny to me but frustrating too bc like. i cannot stress enough my inability to predict or control this. or how completely abrupt and random it can be
#actually adhd#actually autistic#audhd#aphelion.txt#ik 'adhd brain' vs 'autism brain' is a gross oversimplification especially given how much overlap there can be#but it at least helps me conceptualize wtf is going on in my head when i do this lol#and yeah i'm mostly referring to fandoms in this post but it can happen w more 'Traditional' special interests too#like my linguistics special interest which hasn't popped up in a couple years now but whenever it does#i will fill literal notebooks while studying 4 languages at once and simultaneously inventing a conlang#and then i'll be like Ok that was fun! and several months later im deleting like. 2gb of textbooks off my iphone to make room for an update#And sometimes yeah there is a precipitating event like 'Oh something new happened in X fandom with my blorbo!' but sometimes it's like#yeah. no. idk either. switch got flipped in my brain and X no longer sparks joy. only Y rn. how come it's Y? yeah idk i also wish i knew#i don't think any of this is actually an uncommon experience for people with these types of neurodivergencies it's just.#the severity of abruptness and TOTALITY of the switch that makes me feel like a weirdo sometimes lol#like I'M getting mental whiplash from this sometimes. idk how y'all are still following my blog
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This goes above and beyond toxic yuri. We need a new term for this
#celestia#chrysalis#princess celestia#queen chrysalis#mlp#pony posting#anthro#Yeah I'm fond of these anthro designs#Chrysalis my beloved fucked up gross bug monster#“jackpot”#my little pony#friendship is magic#mlp fim#fim#mlp fanart#imma draw a sequel to this
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Because I have just seen this specific thing for the second time, I would like to say:
If I reblog your art, I do not expect you to reblog (or share!) my fic in return
If I comment on your fic, I do not expect you to comment on (or read!) mine in return
My enjoyment of anyone's work does not come with strings or expectations
My friendship is not a bill that you will have to pay later
That's it!
#the fucking obsession with fandom becoming ~content creation~ has got to stop. this is not a business.#i don't like it when someone acts like i owe them because they complimented my work#and i will never do that to someone else#kindness has to be freely given or it isn't kindness; it's manipulation#this just. makes me feel super gross and it upsets me that it's happened twice#and that both people explicitly stated in their profiles that this is an expectation they have of fandom#you can't form a community by force. that's not how it works.#anyways. rant over. i just want it to be known that i'm not expecting anything from anyone lol#if i talk to you or hang out it's because i want to. i don't want anything from you except you know#kindness and companionship or w/e#bleargh. gonna go play a game or something.#dixeram
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I am
• worried
• depressed
• uncomfortable
• upset
• afraid
• uneasy
it does not feel good.
I'm going to drink some water, take a nap, and deal with these things later
#I'm still waiting to hear back if I got my apartment#I just broke my glasses#I ran out of my meds and it might take a while to get more#I have so many people I need to message back#I fucked up and missed my therapy appointment yesterday#I'm with both of my parents for the holidays and I'm not out as she/her#I just feel gross
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The only episode of Angel I watched.
#I'm gross#Everyone knows you want to do a break-the-haughty arc with an ice queen you break her arm
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Olivia fell asleep in one of the aisles again...
how do you feel about ren being used in an ai chatbot advertisement?
⌞♥⌝ Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I genuinely despise everything about this so much, and if anyone comes across this ad on TikTok (or anywhere else), I'd really appreciate it if you could report the video and not give it any further engagement.
I'm vehemently against the use of AI that negatively impacts artists, writers/authors, developers, creators, etc., and I don't condone the use of my art and IP without my knowledge and explicit consent — especially when it's being used in a paid ad/sponsorship. It's extremely disrespectful and I have no respect for those who do it.
#💌 — answered.#💖 — 14 days with queue.#🖤 — shut up sai.#yuus3n#This is so annoying but I fear Copyrighting my IP would be way too costly and not worth the investment /lh#I'm also gonna give the text messages the benefit of the doubt because it's AI + looks like it's been translated from another language#But even then?? Why would Ren ever say that??? T_T I know it's AI but???????#''I may be a stupid idiot'' ....Ren Stand UP!!! King this isn't you#Also not him downplaying and talking about having ''mental issues'' in a negative light??? Gross actually 🧍 I'm being so serious#Only I can make Ren OOC!!!! Gods... smite this ad 🫵
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dream from several days ago
#dream diary#artists on tumblr#flotsam diaries#sequential#...I said I was gonna sleep but that obviously didn't happen HAHA#anyways really happy that I was able to get the colors/vibes I wanted down fjhkgj :'D#a lot of nitpicking and adjusting hahah#also kororon/eve was on blast for the majority of drawing this hghhjf#alright good night/morning/something yall#edit: was thinking more and the feeling I wanted to get across I guess is like when someone voluntarily#reaches out to touch me/casually/platonically and it's like a 'you're touching me of your own free will??? o H'#because when I was growing up had a parent who wasn't physically affectionate/would kinda brush me off#and that uhhhh kinda internalized as I'm gross and therefore shouldn't touch other people#(lmao took covid lockdown and very good friends to basically destroy that feeling yay)#anYWAYS had feelings but didn't quite know how to verbalize it hahah
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not to toot my own horn too loud or anything but i've showered 5/6 days so far this week and started running again and now i can kill god
#ramble#neurotypicals don't interact i'm tired of explaining why showering is the bane of my fucking existence#my thought process is like#go for run -> get all sweaty and gross -> NEED to shower -> ahah get clean motherfucker#i don't think i can get away with not doing it rn it's too damn hot#also they should invent a version of the feeling you get after a run that doesn't involve actually running. bc starting up again HURTS#but i. refuse to go back to the gym it's just too Much there#jogging is great bc there's the sun and grass and DOGS and gym bros don't bother you
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did you guys notice that the main theme she put about her relationship with joe in this album was that it felt like a cage to her because he was depressed. the song, so long london makes me feel so sorry for joe because she is resenting him for having his blue days and not snapping out of his depression faster so that she can have a perfect wedding. it's so insensitive given how joe was there for her during her darkest days and pulled her out of it, deleted her social media apps so she wouldn’t see the mean things people say about her etc etc. he was there for her when nobody else was. but she couldn’t be there for him when it was his time. she got bored and started rekindling her fling with matty when joe was dealing with his issues on his own. and she wonders why he wouldn’t marry her?
the worst thing happened after the breakup. she knows that joe deals with depression and yet she sent her fans after him to harass him on a daily basis for a whole year! she used the cheating rumours as a marketing scheme to release an album about matty. she let her fans harass any woman that worked with joe. how can a person be so vile?
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