#I'm gonna have all the free time in the world after I graduate

[ddejavvu]

JAMES POTTER THE MAN THAT HE IS i wholeheartedly believe would spoil you so much and you’d make sugar daddy joke about him CONSTANTLY even if you were the same age

"Why has your aunt just told me I look too young to be your boyfriend?" James leans over to murmur against your ear, throwing a glance at your aunt who's currently indulging in another glass of wine that she doesn't need.

"I dunno," You shrug, "Older ladies are always saying things about the way people look for their ages."

"Your grandma frowned at me when I came in," James recalls with a groan, "Not necessarily angry, I don't think. Just confused."

"She's always confused," You scoff, "Don't worry James; no one else thinks I've robbed the cradle."

"Y/N," It's a cousin of yours this time, elbowing you hard in the shoulder and sitting down beside you like you're not huddled up privately with your boyfriend, "I thought the wallet you snagged was halfway to the grave already. 'This his son?"

"Wallet?" Your eyes narrow, nose crinkling at the accusation, "What are you talking about?"

"You said you had a sugar daddy," Your cousin scoffs, and realization hooks your stomach, dragging it down towards your feet through an ocean of blood, "We all thought you were gonna bring some war veteran tonight, this kid looks like he just graduated high school."

"I'm twenty-two," James rambles, scandalized, "Y/N, you told them I was your sugar daddy?"

"No! No, I told them ages ago - when we started dating, that I had a boyfriend but- I mean, I dunno, I've thrown around the term sugar daddy while showing off some of your more... extravagant purchases."

"Like the cruise," Your cousin helpfully supplies, "And the tennis bracelet, and the summer home."

"That was a rental," You hiss, "Jamie, I swear I've used boyfriend 90% of the time."

"We thought she was just being optimistic," Your cousin admits, a wrinkled grimace on their face as they rush to free themselves from the awkward conversation, "But- uh, good for you two, remember me in the will."

"Oh my god," James buries his face in his hands, "They thought I was ancient. They thought I was some pervert chasing after girls, throwing money at the ones who'd pity me enough to look my way."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Jamie," You croon, taking his face into your hands and shooing his own away. He leans in desperately to the soothing kisses that you stick to his face, looking for all the world like he might die of embarrassment right here right now. For all that he moans and groans, he's tucked himself into your hold like a helpless infant, and you're happy to oblige his neediness.

"No more using the word daddy." James instructs, though he's not in a position to make orders while nestled securely in your protective grip, "Not unless we decide to take a leap of faith in the bedroom. God, no wonder your grandma was so disappointed when she saw me- I don't have enough wrinkles for her."

[wave2tyun]

cool hot sweet love | ☆

pairing: barista!beomgyu x fem!reader, surfer!yeonjun x fem!reader

genre: summer!au, lovetriangle!au, fluff, romance, a tiny bit of angst?

summary: embarking on a journey towards self-discovery, you didn’t expect to also have your heart tangled in an alluring summer romance. but, who’s gonna be the first to win your heart? the sweet barista, beomgyu, or the charming surfer boy, yeonjun? let the love games begin!

warnings : alcohol consumption, a few swear words, minor injury, (almost) drowning

word count: almost 10k + the endings are like 1k each

a/n: i've been feeling super nostalgic about this fic recently (it's one of the very first i've written!! :0), so here it is back again in all it's glory!!!! this is too long for me to search through for any mistakes i'm sorry asbjdha for all my summer enthusiasts, let's hang in there just a little bit more, this one goes out to y'all!!!!😼😼💞

☆ = repost from my old blog!!

at the end of your final year of high school, you found yourself chasing a dream, a dream that was never truly yours to begin with. competitions and grades never seemed to bring you any satisfaction anymore. your parents’ praises didn’t seem enthusiastic either, but rather an automatic response. you felt completely lost. the one thing that seemed to give you the drive to keep on going, suddenly lost its spark. you were living in a greyed out world, having the same exhausting routine over and over again. you wanted a break from it all. for once, you didn’t long for the pressure or the big goals, but simply for living life just as it was. you wanted an escape from the clutches of mundane life, which is why you chose to swallow your pride and opt for a gap year after graduation. you knew your parents well, and you weren’t expecting them to be happy about your decision. they didn’t want to let their “dream daughter” fall down from the top and watch as everybody else around her were working on their way to success. but what they failed to consider was that success is in no way linear, and that your break was in the end substantial for your wellness. you were very lucky to have a friend like yeji in your life though. she did have her own struggles with academic validation as well, yet she never had any pressure coming from her parents. she wanted to be there for you, and made her parents persuade yours about letting you have a gap year with her. to raise the ball even higher, her parents added one condition: should you have a gap year, you weren’t allowed to remain in the city. instead, you were going to stay at their vacation home, at least for the summer, to let you experience the thrill of the unknown, as well as to help you get a breath of fresh air.

you didn’t know what kind of black magic yeji’s family used, but whatever they did, somehow managed to convince your parents to agree to your proposal. finally, you felt like you had found some motivation to keep on pushing through, making your heart fill up with excitement.

as the number of days leading up to your departure shortened, you were meeting up more and more with yeji for your final preparations. your sleepovers consisted of the two of you giggling while packing and making lists, as well as making up scenarios deep into the night about things that could finally “bring some spice” into your lives. even though it was her own family’s house, yeji hasn’t been there in years. she was living under the impression that a holiday there would just be “a distraction from her studies” or “a waste of time”. however, now that you were both free from that brainwashing hell called school, you realised how much you’ve actually been missing out on.

“do you really think that this “project” will finally bring that change we want in our lives?” you asked yeji, breaking the silence after some long moments of tossing and turning in your bed. you found it almost impossible to fall asleep. it was the last night before you were going to leave behind everything in your life so far. the excitement was still there, but you couldn’t deny the fact that there were all sorts of worries and doubts clouding your mind, and you found yourself wondering more and more often whether you were truly making a good decision.

“y/n, are you letting your worries take over your mind again?” she let out a soft laugh, then turned around to face you “i understand though, i’ve been getting that too. but- are those thoughts really worth it? i mean- we’ll never know unless we try, so i think it’s definitely worth a shot.”

you sighed “still- i don’t think i’d be able to face my parents again if i fail this.”

“y/n...this is not a test. there’s nothing to fail here. personally, i would rather try and regret than live my whole life wondering “what if”.”

you hummed. yeji was right. you hugged her tightly, trying to show her how much you appreciated her comforting words. and just like this, you were finally able to let your body drift off into a deep slumber. it was now or never, and you weren’t just gonna sit there and wait forever.

───⋆☆─────────────

the ride to the vacation house turned out to be a challenge in itself. yeji was the only one with a driver’s license, so you had no choice but to stay in the passenger’s seat with both a gps and a map in hand. unfortunately for yeji, you had one flaw: you were absolutely terrible with directions, meaning that the trip that was supposed to be 6 hours long, ended up taking you 9 hours instead. you got lost in some strange forests twice; yeji pulled over the side of the road multiple times, trying to make sense of the directions you were telling her, occasionally getting out to buy a piece of fresh fruit whenever she spotted a merchant. she said that it was helping her brain think, and that she was also helping to keep a business going. you didn’t need any excuses for fresh fruit though. fresh fruit is good food after all.

when you somehow made it to the house, you felt your body refilling with energy, despite having that whole trip take 10 years off your lifespan. sitting right in front of you was a 2-story house with pale blue walls and a white wooden porch.

“i can’t believe we made it out alive” you said after getting out of the car. you weren’t sure how much more you could endure the constant buzzing of the air conditioner, and yeji’s one and only cd playing on replay.

“you can’t believe we made it? what about me, i was the one having to endure all those truck drivers swearing at me for taking wrong turns, because someone, not telling who, is incapable of using any kind of maps”

“whew- i wonder who that is.” you gasped dramatically “must be tough dealing with them. bet they are a lovely person though”

“they sure are” she giggled “now come on, let’s get our luggage out of the trunk before the heat melts everything away.”

“need a hand with that?” you heard an unfamiliar voice shouting from the distance. you turned around and saw a group of 3 young men coming your way. you and yeji looked at each other dumbfounded, unsure what to answer. you nudged her with your elbow.

“do you know them?”

“no idea who they are...” she whispered back.

“you must be yeji and y/n- right? i’m hueningkai, yeji’s parents let us know that you were coming today, so we stopped by to see if you needed any help” the boy with a brown mullet said. “that’s soobin and this is taehyun” he pointed at the other two, both of them giving you a warm smile and a small wave in return. you were almost too stunned to speak. luckily for you, yeji replied while you were busy staring at them with big eyes.

“i think i recall them mentioning you briefly before leaving. actually, weren’t there supposed to be two more people or am i not remembering well?”

“you must be talking about beomgyu and yeonjun.” soobin answered “their shifts haven’t ended yet so they’re still busy at the beach. we can go over there if you want to after you settle in.”

“sounds great.” you said picking up the first luggage.

“that looks heavy- let me handle that” taehyun replaced the luggage in your hand with a bag. “t-thanks.” you were taken aback by their kindness. boys at your school never even spare a glance in your direction, let alone help you carry something. if it weren’t for the boys, you and yeji would have probably passed out on the floor after moving everything inside.

───⋆☆─────────────

the house was only a 5-minute walk away from the beach, during which you got to learn a tiny bit more about each other. hueningkai told you that he’s the one in charge for making playlists and playing music; soobin worked along with beomgyu at the bar, meanwhile taehyun got a small job as a kitchen assistant because of his newly-found passion for cooking. they were all around your age and yet they seemed to have already found their passions, living life without much worry in mind. you wished you could live like that too, and maybe, just maybe, this was your chance to find that out.

“welcome-“ “-to paradise!” soobin exclaimed spreading his arms in the air.

“woah-” both you and yeji said in unison, making everybody else laugh.

“welcome to paradise indeed” you said, placing your feet on the warm golden sand. there was music playing around you, not too loud so that you could still hear the sound of the waves softly crashing against the shore. it was breath-taking.

“and you haven’t seen everything yet” taehyun chuckled, leading you towards the beach bar. “beomgyu- we’re here!” he shouted.

you squinted your eyes trying to see who this “beomgyu” was from afar, but your vision simply failed you. and when you got closer, you were simply not mentally prepared to face the person in front of you.

“guys i told you not to-“ he started off, seemingly irritated “oh- hi.” he scratched his neck, giving you a shy smile. at that very moment, you swore you felt your heart skip a beat.

“y/n, yeji- this is beomgyu. our one and only barista.”

“the best one in town!” beomgyu added cheerfully.

“ah- so humble too.” taehyun teased him, sighing dramatically.

“hey- what are you implying?” beomgyu sulked, but you couldn’t even pay attention to their bickering. your eyes were way too busy going over beomgyu’s features. ripe, cherry red locks of hair framed his eyes, those eyes that resembled two pearls of boba from a brown sugar milk tea, with long, beautiful eyelashes adoring them. you thought he looked just like a honey bear.

“i’m yeji- it’s nice to meet you” she shook his hand “this is y/n.”

beomgyu smiled and you reached your hand out for him to shake it. his soft hands enveloped yours, and you couldn’t help but notice how bigger they were than yours. you felt his hand lingering for just a few seconds more, and you were already missing his warm touch once he let go.

“so- want to have a look over our menu? it’s on the house” beomgyu offered.

“oh cool i’ll have the-“ soobin started talking, instantly getting cut off by beomgyu “not you- the girls!” he jokingly gave him a death stare “you’ve all been profiting too much off my generosity lately, you don’t deserve any free drinks today.”

you and yeji snickered, they all looked really close to each other, like brothers. it was like you were witnessing a petty fight between siblings.

“one strawberry lemonade for me please!” yeji said.

your eyes were still scanning the menu, hands continuously flipping the pages back and forth as you chewed on your bottom lip. beomgyu leaned over to you, the sweet scent of his citrus perfume invading your senses.

“want me to recommend anything?”

“ah- yes please. there are too many drinks here that sound good.” you replied “nothing with alcohol though, the trip here already gave me a headache.” you glared at yeji, who lifted one eyebrow at you.

he chuckled “people usually enjoy the peach smoothie, myself included. does that sound good?” his deep brown eyes peered into yours, never breaking eye contact- not even for one second. “sounds perfect.” you replied, almost completely absorbed by his gaze.

“until that’s done-” hueningkai chimed in “we should go ahead and meet up with yeonjun too.”

“don’t take too long though” beomgyu said “my shift is ending soon.”

“we’ll be fast- have you seen him around by chance?”

“last time i talked to him he was at the surfing board shop. maybe check that out first?” beomgyu replied, before going to the drinks station to get started on your orders.

“oh- i haven’t seen you around here before?”

you almost jumped out of your seat, startled by the new voice that interrupted your conversation.

“yeonjun! perfect timing.” hueningkai said “we were planning to go looking for you.”

“is that so?” he playfully asked, plopping down on the seat between you and yeji. his voice turned out to be much more attractive than you had anticipated, it was smooth, yet slightly husky and deep. you turned your head to look at him for the first time.

“i’m yeji- and this is...” her voice trailed down, expecting you to answer again. you were frozen, being too immersed to take in yeonjun’s appearance. you could notice his muscular form, not hidden away from the tight-fitted swimming shirt he was wearing. his sharp eyes game him a fox-like charm, making you feel inexplicably drawn to him. in contrast, his plump lips make him look adorable, like a sulky duck. what was a man like him even doing on a secluded beach-? yeji coughed, giving you a small nudge.

“y/n.” you managed to blurt out, a stupid smile plastered on your face.

“ah- huening, why didn’t you mention that such pretty girls were coming here today?” you almost dropped the drink’s coaster you had in your hand as he said that.

“it hasn’t even been 5 minutes and he’s already flirting” taehyun groaned, covering his face with his hands.

beomgyu rolled his eyes at his friend’s antics, setting down the drinks for you and yeji on the counter before finding a seat on the bar stools to join you.

“like i’ve said-“ hueningkai intervened “we were about to look for you. are you done with lessons for today?”

“yup. some kid had a sunstroke so i got off work early”

“what kind of lessons do you teach?” you asked curiosity taking over.

“i’m a surfing teacher for kids.” he answered “it’s a small job to make some money. for you, however- i could do it for free, since you’re cute” he winked at you, making your cheeks flush instantly.

“i’m sure y/n would love to try something new” yeji butted in, answering before you could open your mouth to speak. “that’s what we’re here for, after all. right?”

“right...” you squinted your eyes at her, giving her a light kick with your foot.

“it’s decided then.” he chuckled “i’ll be waiting.”

this is how all the conversations during the first day went like; your mind going blank, with yeji either saving you from embarrassment or only digging your hole deeper. still, you enjoyed it, you ended up staying at the beach long after the sun started to set. the chilly breeze coming from around the sea was made you get up from your seats, at long last.

───⋆☆─────────────

the next day, you found yourself back at the beach sometime in the afternoon. you did everything you could to wake up yeji, but to no avail. the drive here must have completely tired her out, as she was sleeping soundly as a rock. in the end, you let her continue to rest, choosing to go out by yourself.

“so, what’s it gonna be for today?” beomgyu asked, leaning his head on the palm of his head. “may i interest you in one of my signature cocktails, perhaps?”

“i’d love that” you smiled.

this time, you watched as beomgyu prepared your drink. he lifted the sleeves of his dress shirt up, revealing the way his forearm muscles tensed up as he picked up the glass bottles full of alcohol. his precise movements could tell you that he must have had plenty of experience as a barista. your eyes wandered off further, focusing on the way his long slender fingers, still slightly dripping with water from having washed fruits earlier, handled the knife with such skill and care. you remembered the moment you held his hands yesterday, how soft his skin was to your touch- you shook your head, trying to get that thought away.

“all done” beomgyu brought you a tall glass, ripe cherry sitting proudly on top, floating on the ice. “it’s a cherry daiquiri.”

you pushed the straw past your lips, a sweet yet tangy taste filling up your mouth. beomgyu looked at you, eyes gleaming with curiosity and anticipation. feeling a bit mischievous, you put on a serious expression.

“well uh-“ you paused, pursing your lips “this was quite-“

��beomgyu gulped, the content look on his face fading away.

“-quite possibly the best cocktail i’ve ever had” you couldn’t help but burst into laughter upon seeing the cute expression he had on his face. he closed his eyes, tilting his head back and breaking into a smile.

“you had me seriously questioning my bartender skills for a moment there”

“sorry- i had to” you giggled “i really mean it though, i’ve never had something that tasted this good before” beomgyu’s dimple appeared as he tried to conceal the big smile taking over his face.

“y/n!” yeji shouted, jogging to reach the bar.

“look who’s finally up”

“i slept through my alarm- sorry” she sighed, sitting down beside you.

‘not just through your alarm’

you hummed as you continued to sip on your drink, admiring the scenery in front of you. it was a peaceful atmosphere, the catchy beats of the music being sometimes interrupted by the squawking of the seagulls in the distance. right at the shore was a small group of kids, with yeonjun in the middle of them, standing on a surfing board. they all seemed to be bursting with energy, like bottles of soda that were about to explode. yeonjun knew how to match their energy well, while still keeping everything under control.

“instead of staring at him so intensely, why don’t you go and take up his offer?”

you snorted, crinkling your nose “me? surfing? no thanks- i’m saving myself from that embarrassment”

“and? if you only worry about embarrassing yourself then you won’t ever end up making a change with your life” yeji wrapped her arms around her body “-and this exactly what we’re here for, something new. don’t just let this opportunity go to waste.”

you frowned, chewing on your straw. even though your brain didn’t like to admit it, she was right. you were so caught up in your own comfort bubble, that it was holding you back.

“looks like he’s getting a break now” yeji muttered “come on- this is your chance!”

“alright- i’m going” you agreed at last, gulping down the rest of the drink before heading towards yeonjun’s spot. you walked with a determined look on your face- and shaky hands.

you tapped yeonjun on the shoulder, breath hitching in your throat. yeji watched your interaction from her seat, wishing she could be closer to hear it.

“who-” he turned around “y/n- everything good?”

“yeah.” you answered shortly, playing with your earrings. you weren’t particularly bad at small talk, but this time your mind went blank the moment he started facing you. you couldn’t even meet his eyes, which were staring back directly at you.

“actually- i’ve been thinking about it and, you know those surfing lessons you talked about? i kinda want to give that a shot” you trailed down, your voice becoming higher in pitch towards the end of your sentence.

yeonjun’s face instantly lit up, his smile reaching his eyes “really? when do you want to start then?”

“well, when is your schedule free?” you scratched your neck “i’ve heard you’re pretty busy, i wouldn’t want to be a burden.”

“don’t worry about it, i was the one who asked after all.” he chuckled “i can give you a text later on after checking.” you tilted your head in confusion

“but you don’t have my phone nu-“

oh. he was smooth.

“you got me.” he said sheepishly “i was hoping to get your phone number” there was a sharp constrast to the way he was behaving before. the cool and flirty persona he had been putting on was starting to crumble “if that’s okay with you as well i mean-“

“yeah i’m okay with that” you reassured him “maybe i wanted yours too” you mumbled, heart almost giving out after getting those words out. he laughed again, handing you his phone. you quickly typed your phone number in, saving the contact as “y/n :)”, then you handed him yours.

“i’ll make sure to let you know by tonight”

“great, i’ll be waiting then” you replied playfully, making your way back to the bar.

yeji kept on pressuring you to spill all the details, but you brushed her off, wanting to save the conversation in private. you didn’t even get a chance to breathe properly once you returned home. after locking the door, yeji dragged you by the arm and sat you down on the couch along with her, forcing you to let it all out.

“see? that wasn’t so bad, was it? i’m sure you’re gonna thank me later-“ yeji’s voice was interrupted by a notification coming from your phone. you sat there, frozen, a million thoughts rushing through your mind.

“are you gonna answer that?”

“i- i guess i should” you took your phone, a river bubbling through your veins and flushing your face at the sight of the new message:

(yeonjun<3)

[10:30 pm]: hi cutie ;) are you free tomorrow at 11 am for our first surfing lesson?

“what are you smiling at?”

“nothing” you giggled, hiding the screen of your phone with your hands.

“you’re definitely not giggling because of nothing- let me see.” yeji got on top of you, trying to pry the phone away from your hands. however, her attempt was unsuccessful, as your grip was way too strong.

“you’re leaving me with no choice” she whispered mischievously. you felt your whole life flash before your eyes. you had one great weakness- and yeji knew that. you couldn’t even stand 3 seconds of tickling, so she was going to use it against you. her fingers inched closer to your stomach and attacked you quickly.

“YEJI- stop please-“ you tried to shout between giggles “i surrender- i promise.” she stopped for a brief moment “you promise?” “yeah- now get off me and i’ll give you my phone.” she squinted her eyes, going back to her place on the couch reluctantly. her eyes widened in disbelief when you revealed the new message.

“no fucking way- after two days?? y/n. this guy’s definitely into you”

“i don’t want to jump to conclusions- what if that’s his way of being friendly?” you argued back, realising how foolish your reason sounded only after you finished your sentence.

“y/n- darling, there’s no way a guy who just wants to become friends would save his name with a heart symbol.” she shook you by the shoulders “he. is. into. you.”

“what if-“ you were about to argue again, but the sound of another notification made you stop midway through your sentence. you unlocked your phone, completely unprepared. you and yeji glanced at the screen, then looked back at each other in disbelief, struggling to contain the urge to scream your lungs out.

(unknown number)

[10:50 pm]: hi, y/n! this is beomgyu :)

[10:51 pm]: i got your phone number from yeonjun, hope you don’t mind ;)

───⋆☆─────────────

from the moment you woke up you could feel your heart hammering in your chest. it was hard to tell whether it was from excitement or anxiety. maybe it was a mix of both. still, you were proud of yourself for choosing to do something out of your comfort zone for once. yeji was probably even more excited than you were. she wasn’t a morning person, but she insisted on coming along to watch your lesson and to ‘check your chemistry’.

“which swimsuit should i take? i packed two with me.” you held up a black one-piece swimsuit and a pale blue two-piece one for yeji to see.

“get the two-piece. you look hotter in it.” she playfully winked at you. you reluctantly looked at the swimsuit she chose, cursing yourself in your head for asking. you opened your mouth to voice out your worries, but yeji got up from the bed and put a finger over your mouth “shush, i don’t want to hear any complaints. just trust me on this one- okay?” you silently put the black one back in the drawer and went to the bathroom to get changed, deciding to go with yeji’s pick. “yeonjun’s heart is gonna melt once he sees you.”

you tried to ignore her “let’s go, i don’t want to be late.”

“can’t leave yeonjun hanging?” yeji joked, faking a pout. you lightly slap her arm. “i’m gonna leave without you if you’re not ready.”

“you wouldn’t do that to me- you love me.”

“i sure do...” you tilted your head back, a laugh escaping your lips.

yeonjun was waiting for you at the exact same spot you watched him teach yesterday, nobody else around him this time. for some reason, the thought of being completely alone with him didn’t cross your mind. you could feel a rush of adrenaline flowing through your body, but it was way too late to back down now.

“ready for-“ yeonjun’s words stopped abruptly as soon as he looked at you. he seemed distressed, eyes rapidly going over between you and the warm sand beneath his feet, the tips of his ears flaming red. was this what yeji meant by his heart melting? he cleared his throat before speaking again “ready for our first lesson?”

“i’m a bit nervous” you admitted “but overall excited i think” you didn’t sound very sure of yourself.

“you’ll be fine with me” he flashed you a gentle smile.

yeonjun clasped his hands together “we’ll go over the basics first”

“you need to catch waves in order to start surfing, and how do you do that? you paddle.” yeonjun put down a surfing board onto the sand. “to paddle, you need to lie and balance on your surfboard. let me demonstrate it for you” yeonjun laid his body on the board, his back now facing you.

“when you do this, make sure that the angle of the board’s nose doesn’t change. it should remain the same as when you weren’t on top of the board, not higher, not lower.”

“got it.”

“you shouldn’t paddle with both arms simultaneously, as this won’t help you maintain a constant speed. alternate between both arms at a steady pace”

you were in awe at yeonjun’s professional aura, he explained things calmy, while still maintaining a firm voice.

“let’s get this board into the water so you can give that a try.”

you looked at yeonjun with wide eyes, your nerves had just started to settle down a bit and now they were going off like fireworks again.

he laughed lightly “no need to worry, i’ll be right beside you.” yeonjun pushed the board into the sea, not too far away from the shore so that the water level wouldn’t be too high. he held on to it so that you could get lie down with ease. “when paddling keep your chin up so that you can look around.”

you tried to do just as he said, mimicking his movements from earlier. you didn’t want to know how goofy you looked from another person’s point of view.

“just like that” yeonjun whispered “see? you’re a natural! i think we can move on to the next step- getting up. we won’t be riding any waves today, we need to make sure you get this technique right”

you turned your head towards his direction, a petrified look on your face.

“come on, i’ll help you” yeonjun held out his hand for you to take, moving the other on your waist to help you maintain your balance as you moved up with shaky feet. his touch made you feel flustered and you lost your focus, accidentally slipping on the board. luckily, yeonjun was there to catch you before you could face-plant into the water.

“easy does it. don’t worry, it’s tricky to get it right on the first try” he held you again, his grip on your hand tighter than the first time. you held your breath as you made your second attempt, this time ending successful.

“no way- i did it” you exclaimed.

yeji’s and beomgyu’s cheers could be heard all the way from the bar, making you burst into laughter. your cheeks turned rosy as you noticed your hand still holding yeonjun’s.

“you’re doing amazing, cutie” your face felt even hotter at the sound of the nickname.

“let’s try that a few more times”

and so you did. again, and again, and again. yeonjun didn’t let you go until you had at least 3 successful attempts in a row. the both of you settled down on a sunbed, munching on some ice cream as a reward for your success.

“do you like it here so far?” yeonjun asked.

“we haven’t had the chance to do much yet but- i think i do. the beach alone is enough for me to enjoy my time here.” you took a bite of the ice cream cone “by the way- i was wondering, how come you started surfing?”

“i fell in love with the beach after my uncle taught me how to surf.” you looked up to meet his eyes. you could see the way they lit up as he explained everything further. “the gentle breeze, the adrenaline, the warm sun touching my skin- i felt like i couldn’t get enough of it.” he tilted his head back and stretched out his arms “i tried to go back to the city, but i couldn’t resist being away from all of this, so now- i get to do exactly what i love.” he smiled.

you stared at the ice cream in your hand, watching it melt from the heat. his words tugged at your heart; in a way, you were feeling jealous of how content he seemed to be with his life.

“sounds really nice” you smiled back, biting your lips. you could almost feel your stomach turning, your previous worries were coming on at lightning speed. the sound of yeonjun’s voice out of it.

“i’m glad you took up on my offer, it’s nice to share something i enjoy with a lovely person like you.” your worries dissipated, being replaced by butterflies in your stomach instead.

───⋆☆─────────────

you continued your lessons with yeonjun up until the middle of the summer. it was clear by now that you were definitely not a surfing prodigy, but you didn’t want to stop. you didn’t know when it would be the next time you got to do something like this. besides, having yeonjun’s attention all on you was nice. or at least, until little kids started stealing him away from you.

“teacher yeonjun- can you help me find my rubber duck? i lost it in the water.” the kid sobbed, tugging on yeonjun’s swimming shorts. yeonjun looked at the kid then at you, conflicted.

“go on-“ you reassured him with a smile “i got it.”

“i’ll be quick.” yeonjun grabbed the kids hand, sprinting towards the area of the “lost duck”.

you lifted your body on the surfing board, closing your eyes for a brief moment and taking a deep breath of the cool beach air. you were all alone now. this was your chance to get away from your thoughts, your worries; to simply shift your focus on all your other senses. somehow, you were feeling nostalgic- nostalgic for a moment that hasn’t even fully passed yet. if only it was possible to keep those feelings locked away, so you could revisit them whenever you wanted to.

yet, your happiness was cut short. you let your guard down too much, and were completely unaware of the danger right in front of you. beomgyu’s shout snapped you out of it. you opened your eyes, only to see an enormous wave centimeters away from you. you froze, not knowing what to do. a million thoughts ran through your mind; before you could even make a decision, the wave crashed into you, sending your body flying down into the water, your head hitting the surfing board in the process. the glass that beomgyu was holding slipped from his hand, shattering to the ground. he swiftly jumped over the counter, then took his shirt off, his eyes frantically searching around the water for you. instead, he saw yeonjun diving in the water, already 2 steps ahead from him. it was childish to race with yeonjun to save you. beomgyu ran back to the bar, hands shaking as he searched for a first med kit and a towel.

you couldn’t keep your eyes open as the salty water gave you a burning sensation almost instantly. you flailed your arms around, in an attempt to save yourself, but the more you moved, the more it felt like you were sinking down. you were almost ready to stop when you felt a pair of arms wrapping around your waist, bringing you back up towards the surface.

“i got you, don’t worry” yeonjun breathed out, hooking one of his arms under your legs and holding your shoulders with the other. your hands hanged loosely around his neck, desperately coughing up the water that entered your system.

“try to stand on your side if you can”

yeonjun laid you down on the nearest sunbed, and you did just as he said, bringing your knees to your chest as your coughing fit continued. “don’t panic, just let it all out” he said softly as he rubbed his hands down your back to soothe you.

yeonjun called out yeji’s name, gesturing for the others to remain in their place for now, as a group of people surrounding you could have been overwhelming. still, beomgyu chose to trail down behind yeji as she walked towards you. he covered you with the towel he found and left a cold bottle of water on the ground next to you before going up to yeonjun.

“can we talk for a sec?” he said, grabbing yeonjun’s arm to bring him further down the beach, without waiting for an answer from him.

“hey- how are you feeling now?” yeji crouched down, holding your hand and gently rubbing her thumb against it.

“better, i think” you answered, trying to put on a smile for her, even though you were still shaken up from what happened earlier.

“where did the others go? i didn’t even get to thank yeonjun-” you raised your body a little bit, looking around the beach.

“don’t even worry about that right now.” yeji was quick to push your shoulders back down. yeji knew why beomgyu was so quick to take yeonjun away. she knew how angry he was with him for leaving you alone so carelessly, and she knew how he was also angry with himself for not acting faster earlier. witnessing them arguing wouldn’t have done you any good. “just rest a little bit more so we can go back home. i’m sure you’ll have another opportunity to thank him soon.”

you looked down. you felt guilty for what happened, even though what happened was outside of your control. you let out a groan and brought a hand to your head, a pounding ache taking over.

“does it hurt?“ yeji asked. you removed your head from its place, only to see a small trail of blood dripping down your fingers.

“everything okay?” you heard yeonjun shout, jogging towards you. he was out of breath, bringing his hands to rest on his knees, cheeks flushed a deep shade of red; it seemed like he ran all the way back. beomgyu, however, was nowhere in sight. “let me see” his eyebrows furrowed as he came closer. he moved your hair behind your ear to inspect your injury. “it’s nothing serious. it’s just a surface level wound, but we need to clean it up.”

“here, beomgyu gave this to me earlier” yeonjun took the med kit from yeji and placed it beside you on the sunbed.

“please tell me if it hurts”

you nodded and he grabbed your chin, then started to gently dab your head with a wet cloth. your eyes shily glanced over at his face. you didn’t realise until then just how close he was sitting next to you. his eyes were only focused on your wound and he was biting his lips in concentration. his hands were shaking a little bit, too afraid to cause you any type of pain. unknowingly, you were holding your breath, heart beating out of control. you couldn’t understand why it was that your body was reacting this way, even in a situation like this, how he still had you wrapped around his finger, melting under his feathery touches.

“this should make it heal faster” yeonjun said, putting some ointment on the wound before covering it with a bandaid. “-and this too” he whispered, leaving a small kiss on that same spot. “i’m so sorry y/n. you are still a beginner and i shouldn’t have left you all alone like that, it was stupid-“ you stopped his rambling by pulling him in for a hug. “hey- don’t blame yourself so harshly. what happened was outside of your control. if you were there maybe you would have gotten injured too.” you hugged him tighter “i wouldn’t have wanted to see you hurt either.”

“you’re right...” yeonjun sighed, combing his fingers through your hair “still- i’ll find a way to make it up to you, i promise.”

“hey- i know you’re having a sweet moment and all, but it’s getting late and we should really get going” yeji interrupted. you slowly moved away from yeonjun, whispering a ‘thank you’ against his ear before finally letting go and getting up.

once at home, you hopped into the shower to wash off the salt off your body. you changed into more comfortable clothes, slumping into your bed, your body melting into the mattress. you were mindlessly scrolling through social media, your eyes feeling heavier with each minute that passed. you were on the point of dozing off when you saw a notification appear on your screen.

(gyu :) )

[beomgyu, 9:17 pm] y/n! how are you feeling now? :(

[y/n, 9:17 pm] definitely better now, especially because of your help :)

[beomgyu, 9:17 pm] i’m glad

[beomgyu, 9:18 pm] are you busy rn?

[y/n, 9:18 pm] no, why?

[beomgyu, 9:18 pm] look outside the window ;)

confused, you got up from the bed and peeked through the window blinds, spotting a smiling beomgyu waving his hand at you from the sidewalk. you couldn’t help but return his smile as you looked at him, already in his pyjamas with a jacket over his shirt and a small basket in his hand. you opened the window and shouted “wait- i’ll be down in a sec.” stumbling as you rushed to climb down the stairs and put on your shoes. you quickly ran your fingers through your hair and took a deep breath to regain your composure. you were taken aback when you saw beomgyu right in front of you, hand raised up to knock on the door just as you opened it.

“hi.” he spoke softly.

“hi-” you breathed out “want to come in?”

“ah-“ he cleared his throat, his eyes meeting the floor instead of your face “i just wanted to bring you this.” he brought the hand holding the basket in front of you, its contents hidden away with the help of a pink wrapping paper. you pushed it to the side, careful so as not to rip it too much. your eyes widened once you discover small boxes with fresh assorted fruits like strawberries, cherries, grapes...and a tiny bear plush placed in the middle of everything.

“thought these might cheer you up a bit. i snuck those away from the bar once my shift ended. don’t tell on me though, soobin might kick my ass if he finds out”

“beomgyu-“ you stammered “thank you, but you didn’t have to-” you were pushing the basket back towards him, overwhelmed by his sweet gestures. he caught your wrists with his hands, moving them towards your chest.

“but i did have to” he leaned down, bringing his face to the same level as your own “if i saw you smile, then that means it was worth it, even if i do get in trouble” his words rolled off his tongue slowly, with a low rasp. you noticed the way beomgyu’s eyes moved away from yours to glance at your lips, then going back to the floor, stopping for a second, hesitating, before deciding to quickly steal away a kiss from your cheek.

“go back inside now, you should get some rest.”

without even realising it, you brought a hand up to your face, touching the same spot he just caressed with his lips. he tilted his head, chuckling after seeing your flustered expression. “good night, y/n” he put his hands in his pockets, turning his back to walk towards the alleyway.

what you weren’t aware of though, was just how loudly beomgyu’s heart was beating against his chest.

───⋆☆─────────────

the end of august, also known as the start of the party season at the beach. with tourists ending their trips and leaving soon, as well as with the weather on the cusp of changing, the workers at the beach started preparing for their annual series of events (which was actually more of an excuse to make people purchase more alcohol)

“we’re doing what tonight?” you asked yeji, resisting the urge to throw the pillow in your lap at her.

“listen- i know you’re finding out about this late, but-“

“but?” you pressed your lips together, lifting an eyebrow.

“but you would have declined the invitation right away-“ yeji sighed “now it’s too late to tell them that we’re not going. remember our promise? to take up on new opportunities?”

you remained silent, crossing your arms and glaring at yeji.

“come on, it’s the first party. if you don’t like it then i won’t pressure you to go to the rest. let’s just try it and see how it goes” yeji got on her knees, holding your hand and looking at you with pleading eyes.

“fine.” you gave in, yeji’s words managed to persuade you yet again. she squealed, capturing you in a tight hug. she wasted no time to drag you into her room and help you get ready. her face was basically radiating as she showed you all the makeup and outfit choices, there was just no way you could refuse her anymore. you just let her do her thing, putting all your trust into her tastes.

the more you walked towards the beach, the louder the music was becoming. you were tempted to do a full 180 and make a run for it, but your conscience didn’t allow you. plus, you truly believed that yeji would simply take her heels off to go after you and drag you back. you felt out of place in the big crowd of people, overwhelmed by the loud beats combining with people shouting in a poor attempt to communicate with each other. you were busy frantically scanning the area for a familiar figure, but you somehow missed yeonjun coming right in your direction. you were taken aback when you noticed him standing in front of you.

“hi, cutie. glad to see you here” yeonjun greeted you.

“hi-“ your eyes trailed down over his body. his white button-up shirt wasn’t closed all the way, giving you a peek at his exposed chest and the delicate silver necklace sitting on top of it. you bit your lip trying to shift your focus from the pretty man in front of you back to the conversation. he winked at you when you tried to make eye contact with him again. shit. your cheeks flushed a deep shade of red; he definitely noticed you staring at him. you quickly turned around and took a shot from the drinks table close to you. you grimaced as the alcohol sent a dash of fire down your throat, yet you still extended your hand for more.

yeji grabbed your arm “hey- hey, take it easy. we only just arrived.”

“and i’ve already embarrassed myself” you whispered back, covering your face with your hands.

“i’m sure whatever you did isn’t that bad. you’re gonna embarrass yourself more if you get wasted within the first hour anyway.”

you pressed your lips together. she was right- you just didn’t want to admit it out loud. “come on, i want to check out the dessert table. i heard soobin did a pretty good job with that” yeji said, grabbing your wrist and dragging you along with her.

yeji tested out almost every single dessert at the party. each time she took a bite of something new, she insisted that you tried it too because “this one was really the best”. you found it amusing but in some way, she was right, soobin really outdid himself this time. the cupcakes in particular were your favorite. the cake was so soft and moist, and the frosting was soft like velvet, immediately melting down on your tongue. they were seriously addicting. you were about to dive into another vanilla cupcake when you felt a tap on your shoulder. it was yeonjun who came up to you again.

“y/n- join me for a dance?”

your eyes glanced back at yeji, then at the cupcake in your hand. you were very tempted to say yes, but you didn’t want to leave her alone either. the idea of abandoning your cupcake didn’t sound that good either.

“go ahead” yeji said, snatching the cupcake you were holding. “i was about to go to hueningkai anyway- i wanted to have a look at his playlist. have fun you two” she sent a wink your way before quickly leaving, not even sparing you a chance to argue.

“shall we?” yeonjun stretched out his hand for you to take, which you nervously took. he led you to the middle of the dance floor, making you internally panic. having not gone to many parties in your lifetime, you weren’t confident in showing off your dance moves, especially right in front of yeonjun.

yeonjun must have sensed your worries, dipping down to whisper in your ear, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine. “just focus on me- don’t mind everyone else.” you were still holding his hand, so he took this chance to lift his arm up and playfully spin you around. you couldn’t help but giggle, slowly starting to ease up. you tried to ignore everyone else invading your vision, focusing on him and only him as you swayed your body along the rhythm of the music. you couldn’t help yourself but grab two more shots, one for you and one for yeonjun, when you saw one of the baristas coming down your way with a silver platter full of alcoholic drinks. ‘it’s for a little confidence boost’ you told yourself. for tonight, you were finally allowing yourself to be free from any worries, and to simply enjoy the moment.

you weren’t aware of how much time had passed since you stepped foot on the dance floor, and you were very tempted to take a break and let your legs rest for a while. but it seemed like the dj wasn’t going to let that happen anytime soon. the up-beat music that had been playing for the past hour was suddenly changed to a slow, jazzy song. you looked up at yeonjun with wide eyes, and he bit his lips, looking as surprised as you did. yet, he didn’t pull away. his hands dropped down from their position on your shoulders, trailing down your arms and then moving to your waist, leaving hot trails everywhere he touched your body. your body unconsciously moved closer to his, a bright red blush adoring your cheeks. your mind couldn’t focus on anything else but his hands on you. the sound of the music combining with your loud heartbeat made you feel light-headed.

“i want to kiss you” he whispered, resting his forehead on yours, his grip on your waist tightening “but if i do then i might not be able to contain myself.” he breathed out. your hand moved up to the nape of his neck, about to give in to the sweet temptation, when all of a sudden taehyun lightly tugged yeonjun by the collar of his shirt, creating distance between the two of you.

“loverboy, go check up on soobin, he’s having trouble setting up the fog machine”

“right now?”

“yes, now. come on” taehyun grabbed yeonjun, not letting him argue. ‘strange’ you remembered that the fog machine was already on when you arrived.

yeji and beomgyu appeared by your side just a few seconds later “where’s yeonjun?”

“ah- soobin was searching for him. guess i was kind of abandonded” you tried to laugh it off “can we go somewhere quieter?” the music is starting to mess with my brain.

“i’ll grab some drinks and i’ll meet you near the shore, there’s some log benches there.”

you nodded, holding onto yeji’s sleeve so as not to lose her. you felt like you could finally breathe again once you stepped foot on the sand. you couldn’t lie, parties did seem fun, but those where you’re almost completely surrounded by strangers? not so much. you held on until most people left, enjoying yeji’s and beomgyu’s company, cracking silly jokes as you kept on drinking. it was only after midnight when the rest of the boys joined you, with a few of the other people lingering around.

“anybody up for a few rounds of truth or dare?” yeji shouted.

“i’m in” beomgyu replied, raising his hand.

“i guess i’m in too” you sighed. truth or dare wasn’t really your cup of tea, but you didn’t want to ruin the other’s mood.

“everybody gather around the fire then” yeonjun said “and remember- no buts, no maybes” he snickered.

you noticed how beomgyu looked at you and opened his mouth, then closed it back again after yeonjun said down next to him. his body seemed to slump down after that; you wondered whether it was you who he wanted to sit close to.

“i’ll be the one to get this started” yeonjun stated, looking at every person over the hot flames of the fire, only for his eyes to land back on the person to his right. “beomgyu, truth or dare?”

beomgyu paused for a moment, then answered simply “truth.”

“you’re starting off easy?” he asked, the words rolling off his tongue with a playful, yet mischievous tone “well then- beomgyu, do you have a crush?”

“yes.” he answered shortly. beomgyu was sitting right across from you, and you could notice his body slowly tensing up as his arms hugged his waist tighter.

“and is your crush by any chance here with us?” yeonjun probed on further.

“that’s 2 questions” beomgyu frowned, looking at him.

“you didn’t let me finish.” yeonjun raised his hands defensively.

“yes- they are.” he answered then took a sip of his beer. however, what you failed to notice was him sneaking a glance in your direction as he said that.

everybody around you let out an “ooo” at beomgyu’s answer; people were giggling and nudging beomgyu, teasing him to reveal the name of the person. for some reason, the fact that he had a crush was tugging at your heartstrings. you were secretly hoping that the person he was talking about was you, but you weren’t ready to admit that to yourself.

“my turn now-“ beomgyu took another sip, his eyes scanned the room, then stopped on your figure. “y/n, truth or dare?”

you pondered for a moment. “truth.” you didn’t want to be the first one to try a dare, even if it was from beomgyu. he smiled “have you ever been in a relationship?” he asked, eyes sparkling from the light of the fire.

“no, actually.” you sighed “i was always too busy stressing over school- and look where that got me” you looked down and chuckled drily.

beomgyu nodded, seemingly getting a bit lost in thought. he wanted to continue, to talk to you more, but he restrained himself from doing so. he knew that this wasn’t the right moment to discuss your private life, not with everyone else around.

“let’s see- who should be the next victim?” you clicked your tongue “soobin- what do you prefer?”

───⋆☆─────────────

two hours of truth or dare later, soobin’s last shot was the one that tipped him off, and yeonjun offered to guide him back home before he had the chance to throw up on the beach. a few people stated that they were going to the bathroom, but in fact never returned; you didn’t want to know why. yeji was too tired to stay there any longer, so she left you behind. meaning, it was only you and beomgyu left on the now quiet beach. the fire was dying down, and beomgyu scooted closer to you, offering to share a blanket.

“how does one more round sound?” he asked you.

“i wouldn’t mind that” you laughed, feeling a bit nervous all of a sudden.

“truth or dare?” beomgyu whispered.

“dare.”

“dare, huh...?” he muttered “i dare you to dive into the water.” beomgyu smirked, playfully tilting his head to the side.

you were taken aback by his words, but your stubbornness didn’t allow you to back down.“okay.” you said, looking into his eyes. “turn around then. i don’t want my dress to get wet.”beomgyu’s eyes widened, clearly not expecting you to accept his dare. still, he did just like you asked.

you slid your dress off, then carefully placed it on one of the seats. you inhaled air deeply into your lungs as you approached the water, then jumped straight in, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible.

“truth or dare?” you shouted.

“dare.” beomgyu shouted back.

“i dare you to join me.”

beomgyu wasted no time taking off his shirt then quickly diving into the water, splashing you in the process. you immediately returned the favour when he got back up to the surface.

“hey- you’re gonna pay for that” he jokingly threatened you.

“make me.”

you both attacked each other with water, only the sound of your laughter filling up the quietness of the now peaceful night. “okay- i surrender.” beomgyu shouted again, catching your wrists with his hands to finally make you stop. he got closer to you, your laughter dying down as his close proximity made you feel nervous.

“you look so beautiful in the moonlight” he said as he hooked his finger around yours, guiding you around in the water. and you followed him mindlessly, as if you as if he’s got you right under his spell. his hands detached themselves from your own, moving to your waist. and you were so close to him, nose to nose, his breath combining his yours, his eyelashes tickling your lids- and yet, you still couldn’t allow yourself. you couldn’t allow yourself to be victim of your foolish desires.

you looked over your shoulder, worried that someone might have come back and noticed what was happening. what if someone saw you two? saw the two of you fooling around in the blue waves of the sea, what if someone saw his fingers trailing your back or how your own nested at his nape? your brain kept thinking of all the possible ways you might get in trouble, fighting to remain in power as his hot breath gathered itself at your neck, distracting yourself from any rational thoughts.

“y/n! are you still here?” you suddenly heard a voice shouting, which you recognised was yeji’s.

“yeah-“ you shouted back “don’t worry, i’ll be back soon no need to wait for me”

“send me a text when you leave!” she shouted again before walking away.

you looked at beomgyu with apologetic eyes.

“guess i can’t have you all for myself tonight.” he looked at you with a soft smile, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear “yeji’s stealing you away from me again.” he laughed.

“i’m sorry...” you whispered, lowering your head.

"there's no need to apologise", he said, a beat of heart and a pause following his words, "it's getting late anyway, you should rest, especially after such a night." the wind picked up your sigh before it could reach him, before it could whisper to him to come closer again, to take a step towards you, warm hands to envelop your waist and soft hair locks to tickle your skin again. you took a step back. "what an eventful night" you said under your breath. "what an eventful night", he picks up your words just as they roll off your tongue, giving you a smile. the air between you kept getting thicker and thicker, unspoken words and wishes weighing the both of you further into the soft shore. “wait just a second- i’ll be right back.” he rushed to get out of the water and sprinted to the bar. as he was coming back you could see him holding a small towel, which he handed to you.

“here, it’s nothing much, but i thought it might help you dry off- at least a little bit” he said rubbing the nape of his neck.

“it’s great” you smiled “thank you, beomgyu.”

he was also holding something behind his back, which he only revealed after you were done using the towel and putting your dress back on.

“have this too...” he looked away, the tips of his ears turning a pretty shade of pink. “i don’t want you to feel cold” he was holding out his white button up shirt for you to wear. you could feel your body reacting the same way as you thanked him and slided your arms into the sleeves. the faint scent of his cologne lingering on the soft material setting your heart on fire.

the walk back home was quiet, spent with the both of you sneaking a few shy glances at each other, his hand brushing against your ever so often, itching to hold yours again. for the first time during your stay you were disappointed that your house was so close to the beach, because it meant that you and beomgyu had to part ways so quickly.

“oh! your shirt- i almost forgot. let me take it off-“ 

his hands reacted fast, stopping you before you could do that “no- keep it, please. it looks good on you”

“o-oh. thank you” you stuttered. the both of you hesitated to part ways once again, too enticed by each other’s presence.

───⋆☆─────────────

beomgyu's ending | yeonjun's ending

taglist: @huekalover3000 @maybabe00 @sunoooism

[steddieas-shegoes]

i could listen all night

for @steddielovemonth prompt 'love is wanting to hear every detail of their day'

rated t | 803 words | cw: recreational drug use (weed) | tags: established relationship, stargazing, they're so in love

💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟💟

"And it's not even that I'm worried about failing the test!" Steve said as he leaned back against the wall of their too-small balcony. "I did a practice test yesterday and only missed one question. I just feel like it's too easy."

"I think you're just smarter than you give yourself credit for, Stevie," Eddie said as he exhaled smoke.

"I don't think that's it."

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly.

They didn't love their apartment. It was on the third floor of a three story townhome that seemed to be a revolving door of large families who couldn't make rent after a couple of months. They'd get close to someone on the first floor and they'd be evicted two months later. They'd finally have a quiet neighbor below them only to find out it was an old man who was moved to a nursing home a month after moving in.

But they at least had this balcony that faced a parking lot of some business that was empty and closed by the time they needed to smoke.

And when Steve graduated, they could move closer to whatever school he ended up working at.

"What if I don't graduate?" Steve asked quietly, reaching out for the joint Eddie had just taken a third pull off of. "What if I'm doing all this for nothing?"

Eddie turned to Steve as much as he could, covered his hand in comfort. "If anyone knows what it's like not to graduate, it's me. And it's not the end of the world. It may feel like it at first, but just because you don't do it when you think you should doesn't mean you won't ever. You're smart and you work hard, sunshine, you're gonna graduate."

"You have to say that. You're my boyfriend."

"I don't have to say anything! I told you just this morning that you were stupid if you thought I wasn't gonna wake up just to kiss you goodbye," Eddie pecked his cheek and took the join back from him.

He knew Steve got emotional if he smoked too much, and he'd already reached the glassy eye part of the high. Better to stop him now.

"Other than your professor scaring you, what happened today?" Eddie asked casually. He wanted to hear about everything, and Steve liked talking about it.

"I had the best cup of tea. The library was giving free cups to students who donated $1 to the writer's club. So I guess it wasn't really free, but still, $1 for the best cup of tea I've ever had isn't bad." Steve leaned his head on Eddie's shoulder. "I studied for an hour between classes and saw these two women making out. One was like, a lot older than the other and I'm almost certain she was a professor with a student. Don't know what that's about."

Eddie raised his brows, but stayed quiet as Steve continued.

"And then I managed to eat my sandwich after my second class. Best one you've made yet. Perfect ham to turkey ratio," Steve kissed his neck.

"Glad you liked it, sweetheart."

"Oh! And there's gonna be a student run show next Friday. I get two free tickets if you wanna go. Maybe we could make it a date night?"

"I think that sounds lovely. Write it on the fridge and I'll make sure I'm home in time to get ready for it," Eddie took one last drag from the joint before putting it out in the ash tray he grabbed from the flea market downtown when they first moved in. "Anything else today?"

"I got to sit outside and look at the stars with my boyfriend. That's been pretty nice," Steve whispered.

Eddie felt his cheeks heat up, never quite used to how easily Steve shared his love and affection. He'd been like that before they were even together, overwhelmingly honest.

"Was he good company?" Eddie teased, leaning his head on top of Steve's and looking up at the few stars they could see in the city.

"He's always good company."

Eddie kissed the top of Steve's head and settled back.

"What about your day?" Steve asked, sinking further into his side.

"My day was boring." Eddie sighed. "But we have new releases hitting the shelves tomorrow. Those days are always fun."

"Any you want?" Steve sounded tired.

It was barely eight at night, but the weed was hitting and he'd been up since five that morning going nonstop.

"Might grab this local band's demo. We're the only place carrying it and they're hoping to do a show in our basement next month, but we'll see. Brad said we had to see how the demos sell."

"Sounds like fun," Steve said.

"You wanna go inside, sweetheart?"

"Not yet. Keep talking. Wanna hear about everything."

"Mkay, baby."

[bigification]

Just one of the Boys

I feel so free now. Being able to go hitch hiking across the country after university is such an amazing opportunity. Some of the conversation is really weird, some of it is just plain boring, but I shouldn't be complaining though considering these people are driving me around for free. I mainly just get truckers who have been driving with nothing but the radio all day. This time was weird though. A truck full of older men picked me up while I was walking on the side of the road.

"Hop in buddy!" The man in shotgun shouts at me as they pull over.

It seems odd, but it beats walking and it might lead to some interesting conversation. As interesting as middle aged men in Texas have to say at least. I hop in the back of the truck and I'm immediately squished from the man sitting next to me and the seat in front of me. All three of the men in this truck must have been around 300 pounds each, I have no idea why they thought there would be room for another person. I can manage because I'm a relatively small person, but fuck is it not comfortable.

"Name's Tom." The man driving says in a deep southern accent. "This here is Kent." He taps the man riding shotgun. "And the fellow right next to ya is Luke."

"Denis, nice to meet you guys." I say awkwardly as they all stare at me.

"So what is a boy like you doin' in the middle of nowhere." Tom asks.

"Well I just graduated, so I figured I would travel the world before I settle down."

"Once you get a wife, they'll tie ya down like a ton a bricks. Better have your fun while ya can." Luke says and punches my shoulder as the three men erupt into laughter. I just chuckle and smile along, I have the feeling this is gonna be a long trip.

"We come out here every chance we get to fish, and it gives us a break from the family. Just a weekend fishin trip with the boys." Kent says.

"Why don't you grab a beer boy, we got plenty."

"Oh I don't really drink beer, but thanks anyway."

"Why, is it cuz your scared it'll make ya look like us." Luke says as he pats his gut.

"Grab one would ya, what's the harm." Tom insists.

I give in, I don't particularly like beer but I'll drink it if they want me to that bad. I open the cooler behind my seat and see dozens of full beer cans. It kinda shocks me given how many empty can are in the truck, they must have already drank nearly a dozen in the car ride and they have that many more. No wonder they're 300 pounds.

"You gotta girlfriend, boy?" Tom asks as I crack open my beer. The question makes me pause for a moment. I'm hesitant to tell them I have a boyfriend back home, but telling them I don't have a girlfriend technically wouldn't be a lie.

"No" I nervously respond.

"Well the girls are dumb to not want ya."

I wasn't expecting such a sweet response, but that was nice.

"Ya plenty of girls are into chubby guys like you, in sure you won't have no problem getting yourself a wife."

The comment kind of surprised me considering I'm a pretty skinny guy.

"Luke! The hell's wrong with you, that's no way to speak to a guest."

I look down and I'm shocked to see a small belly poking through my shirt. What the hell!? I had basically no fat on my body like 10 minutes ago, what happened.

"Don't listen to Luke, he's just being a dick."

Their words surprisingly comforted me. I started to remember all the partying I did in university, and all the beer I drank, it's no wonder I have a little bit of a beer belly.

"Well what have you done since university?"

The question confused me a bit considering I said I had just graduated before leaving for this trip.

"I just graduated."

"Oh, I just assumed it's been a while since you look a bit too old to be just graduatin school."

The comment confused me even more, I don't look a day older than 22. I glance at the rearview mirror and see my face in the reflection. I look.. at least 30. The more I think about it the more it makes sense though, I've been a software engineer since graduating.

"Oh ya, you had me all confused, I'm a software engineer."

"Rich guy over here, that must make you a lot of money."

"It makes enough." I try not to elaborate.

Tom cuts into the conversation. "Why don't you have another beer boy, we got plenty of time."

I might as well, I guess I can stay with them as long as they let me. I grab another beer and crack it open.

"With a pretty face like yours and a job like that, you must have a beautiful wife don't ya."

I just told them I don't have a girlfriend, but I don't know why I lied about that. Now that I think about it, I have a wife and daughter.

"And a beautiful baby back home." I say proudly.

"Well that explains the belly growin on ya. A man your age doesn't get a tank like that unless he's got a kid."

"Luke, would ya stop it with the comments about his belly, your makin him uncomfortable."

I look down at my gut again and see that it's doubled in size since I last looked at it. But then again, I have been gaining a lot of weight since the baby was born, so it makes sense. I might be needing some new clothes now that I look at it, my shirt is riding up my belly.

"It's alright." I respond. "Ever since the baby, I haven't been able to control this belly."

"We know the feelin. We all met before we got married and we were all 150. I still remember Tom hit 300 by the time his first turned 1 and we never let him hear the end of it."

"Don't listen to them Denis. Kent hit 300 before his first kid was even born, those beers really took a toll."

As they're talking, I grab another beer. I feel like I'm going through these beers like they're nothing, they taste amazing.

"Just considering yourself lucky that you didn't hit 300 pounds by the time you turned 40."

"Well I certainly am gettin there." I'm shocked as I hear a southern twang in my voice when I say that.

"Ya sure are, that shirt don't fit ya like it used to."

I look down and see that my gut is spilling out onto my lap, my shirt has ridden up nearly to my chest. It looks more like a bra at this point.

"Why don't you grab one of my fishin shirts back there, it might fit ya better."

It's slightly embarrassing, but I appreciate the offer. I grab a white shirt from behind my seat and put it on. It's surprisingly tight on me considering these guys are so much bigger than me. Honestly now that I look at them, they're not even that big, at least not that much bigger than me. Id say it's about average for a man our age to be this big. Only those millennials with their damn diets stay skinny, it's not our fault real men like their beer and steak. I kinda pause in shock that the thought ran through my mind, but I slowly felt more confident in that opinion.

"So I'm sure you've got teenagers by this age, they must be a handful."

"Oh I've got two, they really push my buttons sometimes. They're why Ive got so many grey hairs already."

"Well you must be pushing 50, just be glad you ain't got more. Luke went full grey by 40."

"With the way his wife treats him, I'm surprised he even has any hair left."

I joke, making the boys erupt into laughter. It kinda felt weird makin a joke about Luke's wife when I've never met the woman, but I met her just last week at the barbeque. She really is a handful. It felt good makin the boys laugh, I really feel like I'm fittin in good with them.

"I wouldn't talk if I were you Denis, ever since you met that wife a yours, that waistline has never been the same."

"That's right, I still remember when we met you way back, you were just a skinny young man. You must have been 140 pounds soakin wet, and now look at ya, you can't even fit into your own damn clothes."

I blush with embarrassment as I look down and see that my fly is wide open. My button must've flown right off without me noticing.

"It's all those damn beers he's been drinkin"

Luke punches my shoulder and points at the pile of empty beer cans at my feet. I didn't even realize how many I went through, and I barely feel drunk. Though it is pretty normal for big guys like me to have to drink more to get drunk, I sure as hell don't mind drinking more.

"Oh get off his ass Luke, you know damn well you drink just as much as him. And by the way Denis, we don't mind if you need to take your pants off if they get too small."

It seems strange that Tom would say that, but we've known each other for so long now so who cares. It's not gay if I still have my underwear on. I struggle to pull the skin tight jeans to my ankles and relax as my legs spread.

"Alright boys, we made it."

We pull into a long driveway with a small cabin by the water. Everyone hops out and grabs their stuff before walkin to the cabin. I sheepishly get out of the truck with my pants at my knees.

"Damn, you've really packed it on since our last fishin trip." Tom says as he slaps my gut, it looks almost like he's salivating lookin at me. "You must be the biggest in the group now."

I blush at the compliment. I fully take off my jeans and walk to the cabin. I'm shocked to see how small the cabin is. It has one room with a kitchen and living room on one side and two small beds on the other.

"Where's everyone gon' sleep?"

"Those two beds right there. Luke and Kent can share that bed, you'll be with me boy."

He pushes me into the bed.

"I'm gonna have fun fattening you up like the pig you are."

I look over to the other bed and see that Luke and Kent are already makin out.

"Hey, eyes on me fat boy. Consider this your initiation as one of the boys."

Tom pins me under his weight and starts kissin me. I'm certainly not gay, but Tom is a handsome fella so I certainly won't mind. Oh and the ways he touches me, my wife could never. It's like the devil is tempting me, I'll just have to confess when I go to church next sunday. But then I'll do it all again next fishin trip with the boys.

[talkativeanonymous]

UNKNOWINGLY TRAUMATIZED??? I feel like we need more lore drop 😭

HAHA yeah i'm leaving out soooome details :>

Since i'm tired and feeling kind of sickly, i'm just gonna run it down rq!! I can elaborate on anything if asked-- but keep in mind i'm basing this off of the itty bitty bit of lore we've gotten so far plus my own BS I cooked up, I actually don't think XF-Ture is behind the killing game despite it clearly having a role to play… THAT BEING SAID! Here's SOME of the lore, a lil rundown of pre-drdt whit <3

(loredump below the cut)

Whit, similarly to Ace actually (though the aus are inherently unrelated)- essentially had his life taken away from him by XF-Ture.

Whit did not sign up or consent for anything that happened to him, [REDACTED] decided that from all of the recently graduated students in HPA, they chose him for his ability to be entertaining and would be perfect for a "Killing Game TV Show". In which, they then handed him off to XF-Ture who [REDACTED] let do the dirty work to keep their name out of the picture.

I am personally assuming that DRDT takes place in a post-despair(ish)-redemption world, although I don't believe it's connected to the original DR games. With that in mind, XF-Ture definitely has done some dirty work behind the scenes and has the technology that was ultimately used to brainwash Whit.

Whit was missing for months, as after all that he went through he had to be looked after and made sure he was stable enough to even BE on TV as he became notably aggressive and easily distressed. It was for this reason that they then worked on making him more apathetic to people dying and death in general. (which is my reasoning for Whit laughing and joking despite people LITERALLY dying, or just not caring at all on a surface level)

After about a year's worth of work, he was finally ready to be the proper mastermind for DRDT. He was meant to watch over the killing game to make sure all went as [REDACTED] had planned. During this time, Whit is aware that he's the mastermind- willingly or not. He knows very well that he can't tell anyone as his mind is quite literally against him on this and it's hard to say he has too much free will for that reason.

Hes more self-aware if anything, and his subtle jabs at the viewers in the show is him pointing to that; the fact that he knows. [REDACTED] doesn't appreciate it, knowing he's giving himself away, but it's not as if they can really punish him for doing his job; as it IS entertaining.

..For now i'm gonna leave it off here, but feel free to make assumptions about the rest or just straight up ask >:)

[elielielephant]

♡ 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒐𝒚 𝑱𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔 ♡

Sfw and Nsfw

WARNING 18+ CONTENT AHEAD, MDNI

-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----

Sfw

-Haha try going to the bathroom without him latching onto you like you were the last piece of food on earth.

-He is so clingy. I'm not even exaggerating, try to even skip class, he would be at your front door holding out a list of places where the both of you "hangout" (guys he's new to this loving stuff, he's too shy to even say the word 'date' to refer to your 'hangout' time with him).

-Got sick? Not to worry, your boyfriends there with all the things you need. You're cold? He's got a blanket and heating packs in hand.

-You feel dizzy? He already got the medicine next to your night stand with a glass of water and some snacks in case you're hungry. Your stomach's being a little shit? He's holding out the medicine and a piece of paper with words written on it, read as 'Free kisses and cuddles pass'.

-Most people would think that the 'quiet kid' are either psychos considering their lack of communication to them. But well your boyfriend's literally a cutie pie! He's also the smartest one in class! Why wouldn't the people try and date him? He's literally the perfect boyfriend!

-Our poor baby is insecure.

-When both of you are peacefully cuddling on the couch of his apartment, he would ask you this question "Babe... Are you happy being with me?"

-It always shatters your heart every time he's asking you this question. You would immediately cover his face with kisses while muttering out sweet nothings until he would understand that he's the best thing that happened in your life. When you were done, his face was redder than a tomato.

-As I've said before, he's very clingy so just imagine his possessiveness. So just imagine that someone tried to hit in you.

-They would be running off already to see the 'quiet kid' glaring at them just behind you while holding his pen that is held somewhat like a knife. And when you turn around to see why the person ran off, you just see your boyfriend acting like usual. Although he trusts you well enough, his instincts take over whenever he sees someone hitting on you, or atleast trying to get close to you.

-When you hangout at his apartment, he would immediately hide his plans after graduation. (Yk the usual buy a house, go to our dream University, find a part-time job, propose, and other kind of shit)

- If you would find that, he would not go out to see your face from all the embarassment crashed to him once you saw the list. (He would do that for about an hour before he misses you so much ad buy you some flowers and your favorite snacks).

-When the both of you eventually have sex, he would be the one giving aftercare to you, considering that you might not walk for the rest of the day but whatever. He would bathe you, feed you, tuck you in and cuddle with you all day long. Best boyfriend ever, ♾️/10 wouldn't even dare to cheat on him.

Nsfw

-When the both of you were finally at legal age, the both of you decided that it's time to do the deed, though having little to no experience with an an actual person. James would definitely look up some porn to see what kind of techniques that he should do and some of the positions.

-Meanwhile, you were a rather kinky person not gonna lie, subby tops are something that the world equally enjoys. While your boyfriend's busy figuring out what's the 69 position is and how to do it, you were out here smirking to yourself as you fantasize how he's gonna act when you suddenly pin him down. (Yes, I know how y'all readers are like)

-He would constantly bring a condom and some lube since you'll never know when's the time y'all would so it. Could be at your apartment, his apartment, the PUBLIC bathroom, the beach, the mall, etc. Your boyfriend definitely did some proper research.

-Well y'all both got horny at his place. Well he decided to watch a movie that his parents said "got them closer", The cover was pretty innocent, but then, most of the scenes were literally about the main characters having sex.

-Well his parents were right at one point, it did brought the both of you "closer", by which I mean closer as in you pinned him down while you were dry-humping his boner watching his teary eyed face as you grind the shit out of him.

-James thought he would be the more dominant one in the relationship, Boy was he wrong. Now he was ripped off his clothes, moaning and whimpering your name while you were on top of him, riding him like there was no tomorrow.

-"P-Please... [Name]Hah~ Baby..~ n-not so ah! F-fast!~" God, you felt like cumming then and there just by seeing his flushed and teary face. "B-Baby~ C-Close!~" He screamed as you kept on making his cock dig deeper inside of you "S-Same here B-Babe... F-Fuck!~ Cum Inside..~" The both of you came simultaneously, with James in the condom (Guys always wear a condom when you have sex! Regardless of the gender!) and you on him.

-Dont worry, Dominant James will come out of its shadows. Once he'd muster up the courage to ask you if he can be the one leaving you teary eyed and begging for more. (If he can)

----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆----

Tags: @alatrysev

----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆-----☆----

(Guys if the Nsfw part sucked I'm sorry 🙇 Writing Nsfw parts are usually not my thing. But subby tops are 😩🥴)

[coraniaid]

One of the things I like best about the second half of Season 7 -- one of the few things I like about it at all, if I'm being honest -- is the fact it lets Buffy accept that she's still growing up and figuring out who she is as a person.  "I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be", as she tells Angel in Chosen.  She doesn't have to have all the answers, she doesn't have to be defined by the choices and mistakes she made when she was a miserable and lonely teenage girl, she doesn't have to have found a perfect relationship or future life partner before her twenty-third birthday.

The show ends with Dawn asking Buffy what they're going to do now that she isn't the singular Chosen One, and she doesn't offer an answer because she doesn't know yet!  "That's kind of the point," as she also told Angel earlier.

I think that's a really good and emotionally satisfying place to end the series on -- with Buffy finally free of the destiny that she's been forced into ever since we met her, not because she's been forced to stop being a Slayer or because she’s sacrificed herself to save the world, but because she's no longer The Slayer but merely one of many.  The story of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is over, but the story of Buffy Summers has just begun.  Who knows what will happen next?

It's why I've never been at all tempted to read the post-Season 7 comics, because there's no way that they -- or anyone -- can better that ending. By definition, a future of infinite possibilities is better than any concrete suggestion.  (Also, yes, lots of the specific details I've heard about the comics make them sound pretty bad anyway, that's also a factor.)

It's also why I think it's kind of pointless to spend time arguing that Buffy definitely would or wouldn't end up in a relationship of some particular type, with somebody she knew before she was old enough to graduate college.  Maybe she does get back together with Angel or Riley or Spike.  Maybe she finally realizes she's attracted to Faith, or to Willow, or somebody else she met before the show ended. (Maybe Owen Thurman is still alive.)  Maybe she meets somebody new. Maybe they get married, maybe they don't.  Maybe they have kids, or adopt, and maybe they don't.  Maybe Buffy decides she's happier single. Maybe she doesn't get to have the sort of romantic relationship she'd want at all; maybe other things get in the way.

Some of those possible futures sound like happier endings to me than others, and some seem more in keeping with the direction I'd like to imagine the story going if the show had continued.  But anyone who tries to argue that they know which of those things would or wouldn't happen because they know what the sixteen or nineteen, or twenty-one year old Buffy would have wanted is, I think, not being serious.  The show itself explicitly rejects this idea. Even though her mother's death has forced her to take on more adult responsibilities, Buffy herself is still growing up.   We don't know what will happen to her a year, or five years, or ten years after Chosen.  We don't know what she'll want, we don't know who she'll be.  Buffy herself doesn't know that, so how could we possibly know?

As Buffy said, that's kind of the point! 

[lokis-army-77]

Wiled Hearts Pt.2

Cowboy!Eddie Munson x female reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Meeting the new farm hand isn't exactly as glamorous as one might have predicted.

Warning: Nothing in this chapter except the reader calls her dad "daddy" a few times, but obviously not in THAT way, and some cursing.

Masterlist 

<<previous || next>>

Morning came all too soon. The bright rays of sunlight filtered in through my window and I groaned as the light hit my eyes. Grabbing my pillow I shoved it over my face to block out the morning but removed it just as quickly when it became stuffy and hard to breathe. Slowly, I stretched myself out and sleepily threw the covers off my body. 

The alarm clock on my bedside table flashed the time, 8:15 a.m. I sighed, realizing my hope of sleeping in late would not happen with my internal clock being so used to waking up early for classes. Groggily I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and made my way out into the hallway where the smells of breakfast hit my nose and my stomach began to growl. 

The bottom of the stairs opened up into the kitchen, so when I made my way down I could see Mama and Daddy and my baby brother in the room. Although, my baby brother wasn’t a baby anymore. 

I stood just out of sight for a moment, admiring the family I hadn’t seen in forever. Mama was in the middle of cooking her world-famous buttermilk biscuits, Daddy had his glasses on looking at what I could only assume were bills, and Tucker was shoveling bacon and grits in his mouth like he had never eaten before. 

Looking at them made me a little sad. I’ve been gone for a few years and so much can change in such a short amount of time. I mean, the last time Tucker and I were in the same room he had the chubby baby face of a thirteen-year-old, and now… now he was more muscular and had a full face of facial hair. If I didn’t know he was almost sixteen, I would have thought he was older. I can’t help the feeling that I have missed so much. 

I’m pulled away from my thoughts when I hear Mama call out to me. “Morning sugar bear, go have a seat and I’ll bring you some breakfast.” 

I shake my head clearly and smile. “Mornin’ Mama, Daddy,” I say as I descend the last few stairs and find my seat. “Morning to you too turd.” I push an elbow into Tucker’s side. 

“Shut up.” He elbowed me back and I laughed as I threw an arm over his shoulders, bringing him in for a hug. “Missed you,” he laughed as well.

“Missed you too. Although I'm pretty upset you didn’t come to graduation.” I teased.

“Hey, I was sick. I couldn’t help it.” 

“Were you sick or did you not wanna come to see your one and only sister on her big day?” 

Mama shook her head as she placed a bowl in front of me filled with buttery grits and a plate with two sunny-side-up eggs and three strips of bacon. “You two stop it.”

Tucker ignored her. “Oh crap, you caught me. In fact, I didn’t want to go so I decided to get a fever of 101 just so I could stay home in bed.” 

“Oh well, I guess that means you don’t get to have the little present I bought for you,” I stated smugly as I began to eat my food. He sat there mouth agape if foux shock.

“Son, close your mouth when ya got food in it,” Daddy hit Tucker’s shoulder with an envelope. 

“Sorry, Sir.” Tucker apologized and bumped me with his shoulder, making my spoon fall into the bowl. 

“Yep, definitely not getting your present now.” After a couple more bites I turn to Dad and ask, “So what’s on the agenda for today?” 

He takes a sip of coffee and clears his throat before speaking. “Well, you’re brother, Randy, and I are going out to the eastern pasture over the hill and herding all the cows back this-a-way so they have some fresher grass to feed on. Munson’s sposed to be fixing the fence down by the creek and as for Mama, what are you doing today hun?” 

Our heads turn to her as she places the biscuit dough in the oven. “Well, I was gonna work on the garden before heading into town to the farm supply store.” 

“So I’m free to do whatever?” I ask. 

“You can tag along with any of us, just thought you might want some time to settle in before I start making you work again.” Daddy smiles at me before going back to his papers. 

“Wow, a free day on the farm.” These were rare and to be treated as such. Summer was coming and the heat was a testament to that, maybe a day spent at the pond or the creek was just the thing I needed. I could also use the time to go and introduce myself to the new guy. 

I had almost forgotten about him until he was mentioned again. The vision of those biceps flooded my mind and I shook my head, blushing. If his silhouette was anything to go by, he would be absolutely devastating to look at. 

Once I finish my food, I clean off my dishes and bound upstairs to get showered and dressed for the day. By the time I come back downstairs at a quarter to ten, everyone is already gone doing their own thing and I am left to my own devices. 

First things first, I need to go down to the barn. I had grown up riding horses and the moment I went to college I was so upset that I couldn’t have that anymore. 

There was an almost giddy pep in my step as I raced over the dirt driveway and through the grass and into the large open breezeway of the barn. The stalls were empty which prompted me to make my way to the back of the barn, where the breezeway opened into a two-acre fenced-in area. 

As I was rounding the corner I ran face-first into something, or rather someone who was coming out of the feed room. 

“Shit.” The person's aggravated voice sounded as it was accompanied by the sound of a bucket clambering to the floor. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” I reached down for the bucket only to hit my head against the person. “Ow.” I stumbled backward, hand on my head.

“Fuck, can you watch where you’re going?” The unfamiliar male voice groaned with a slight northern Appalachian accent. 

“I didn’t mean to, you came out of nowhere.” I looked up at the man and boy was I right earlier. He was devastatingly handsome with his large brown eyes and hints of brown hair sticking out from under his black, straw cowboy hat. 

He stared at me, eyes going from wide open to squinting in a matter of seconds. Shaking his head he bent down to pick up the spilled alfalfa hay. 

I twiddled my thumbs for a moment before I realized he was finished talking. “I really am sorry.” 

“Mhum.” He hummed in response, which aggravated me a little. 

“I said I was sorry,” I started again a bit louder. 

He looked up at me and gave a shrug. “What do you want? A fuckin’ medal? I heard you the first two times.” 

I scoffed. “Well excuse me, ya don’t gotta be a dick.” 

The hay was now all back in the bucket and the guy stood to his full height in front of me. He was tall and frankly intimidating, which also added to the fact that he was gorgeous. My eyes traveled to his rolled-up sleeves and dear god, those biceps were just as amazing up close. 

I tried to reason with myself that I should not be ogling the new farmhand, especially since he was being a grade-A asshole. 

“Whatever you say, Princess.” He pushed past me and into the first open stall. 

I followed, never knowing when to let something go, always having to have the last word in any argument. “Don’t call me Princess.” 

He never stopped what he was doing, only replied to me over his shoulder. “Oh dear, please forgive me, Your Majesty.” The new name was said with more venom than it should have for a person who I had known all of five minutes. 

“I have a name and it’s not that.” I stood there, arms crossed and head high. I was not going to let this guy get to me. 

He hummed again before walking out of the stall toward me. “I don’t actually care. Now, you can either leave me alone or find a way to make yourself useful.” 

I scrunched up my nose in distaste. “Fuck you, asshole.” I turned on my heel and headed out of the barn and to the fenced-in area. 

What was his deal? All I did was say sorry, is it that much of a problem to acknowledge me? I can’t believe Dad would hire someone so unpleasant. 

My thoughts were jumbled as I thought over the interaction and if anyone were to be close enough to me, they would think I’m crazy the way I’m talking to myself. “How dare he call me princess, like I’m some spoiled brat. I’m neither of those things.” I huff. 

I look over my shoulder to see if he was still in the barn and low and behold, he was staring at me. I glared back at him. I was not going to be the one to look away first. 

He seemed to glare back before turning to walk further into the barn. A small sense of triumph washed over me like I had won. 

As I internally celebrated my victory, I heard heavy footsteps coming closer and the swish of a tail. I smiled. The brown snout of the familiar horse entered my field of vision and my hand reached out instantly to pat its strong neck.  

My fingers twirled mindlessly in the dark, coarse hairs of its mane. Kota had been my horse since middle school. She had been a birthday present from Mama and Daddy. 

I still remember them setting me down and Daddy saying, "She's your responsibility. You fed her, you water her, you take care of her." 

That had been one of the best days of my life. I was so excited to have my own horse so I could ride wherever I wanted to, I could be free. Going to college several states away and almost never coming home had made me sick with longing for her. If I could have, I would have packed her right up and brought her with me. 

“Hey, girl,” I whisper to her and she lets out a puff of air. “You wanna go for a ride?” It was almost like she knew what I was asking when she nodded her head over and over. 

The grin that overtook my face was wide and toothy. I had absolutely missed this. We were close to the wooden slatted fence, so I lead her over to it and stepped up to the second slat before swinging my left leg over her back and getting comfortable. 

I nudge my legs into her side, encouraging her to walk forward and to the gate. Once it’s open I nudge her a little more, and then we're off in a canter. It was like all my thoughts left once I could feel the breeze flowing past me. All the world just faded away until it was just me and Kota and the wide-open pastures. 

It took an hour or two but we explored many places I had missed when I was gone. The tallest oak tree on the entire three-hundred-acre property, the old barn out in the woods where my friends and I would party and get drunk in high school, the clearing in the middle of those same woods I used to sneak out to in the middle of the night to clear my head. Now, we were headed back closer to the house, maybe a mile or so out, where the creek widened out into a pond. It was hot and if I was in need of a cool down, so was Kota. 

The pond was near the edge of the pasture and the bobwire fence ran out about twenty feet from the back side of the water. Trees covered the area on three sides and on the side that wasn’t shaded, it looked more like a beach, with sand and a dock that went a little way into the water. The sand and the beachy vibe had been Mama’s idea several years back when the yearly trips down south to Orange Beach had been canceled due to money. It was cleaner than the other areas of water on the property since the cows rarely came to this spot, as they preferred to be more downstream and closer to the larger pond.

Pulling on Kota’s mane a bit, I get her to stop. I if didn't she probably would have happily carried us both into the water. I jumped off and landed in the sand. Since I was no longer stooping her, Kota trotted her way to the water. I shook my head as I watched her. 

Before I could even begin making my way to the dock to take my boots off, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, in the woods. It was almost hard to spot but the sun had caught the mirrors of the black Chevy Silverado. Never having seen the truck before, I wandered my way over, not worrying if Kota ran off or not, the house wasn’t that far of a walk. 

As I came closer to the vehicle I peered inside its open window. The red upholstery looked a bit dirty, like any farm truck. Nothing out of the ordinary caught my eye, and neither did anything that could tell me whose truck it was. That's when I heard a frustrated cry. 

"Fuckin' fence!"

I whorled around to face the voice and there, knelt down by the broken bobwire fence, was the new guy. Then I remembered what Dad had said at breakfast, that Munson would be out here working.

He had new wire tangled in a heap to his left and a couple of tools to his right. Not wanting another interaction with him, I tried to back away slow and quiet, and yet whatever controlled the universe decided that I wasn’t getting out of this unnoticed when my heel made contact with a tree root and I tumbled to the ground with a yelp. 

“Well, if it isn’t the Princess.” He said smugly from where he knelt. 

I glared at him as I stood to my feet and brushed the dirt and leaves from my legs and hands. “Screw you.” 

“I know you want to but unluckily for you, you aren’t my type.”

“Oh yeah, and what is your type? Whore?” I spit out.

He smirked. “Anything except spoiled brat.” 

Anger was bubbling inside me as I looked at this guy’s smug and unfairly handsome face. It took everything in me not to launch myself at him, to scream in frustration. So, I kicked a plume of dirt in his direction and griped, “I’m not a brat, and you’re never gonna get that fixed if you don’t have the wire stretcher… Asshat.” And with a roll of my eyes, I was gone.

...

Cowboy!Eddie taglist: @munson-blurbs @munsonology @my-malachai-stilinski @tiannamortis @chrissymjstan @chelebelletx @breathinfive @lma1986 @poguestyleskye

[rpking99]

So I've seen this stupid conversation pop up on the Twitter sludge space again and.... Wanna put my two pence in since I am me and a nerd.

Who should be the next Batman.

....

If you guys know me, you know my answer. So, first, I'm gonna go over the other options.

Dick Grayson

First Robin. Nightwing. Ass that claps and don't quit with a red head addiction he has no intention on quitten.

He's what many people out there see as being the natural next Batman. Because... Well... He was the first Robin. He's the oldest, he knew Bruce the longest. And he's been Batman a few times when Bruce is injured

All of that is true.

....

But let's take a step back for a moment

Dick was angry when he was Robin, that's the misconception many have. That Jason was the angry Robin when it was actually Dick. He was very similar to Bruce in a way, and that's part of how they got along so well. But they also kept each other at a distance, Bruce not wanting to replace Dick's parents while Dick didn't want Bruce to feel like he was pushing

You all know the story. The first kid is the one you make the most mistakes with

But those mistakes, ironically, helped Dick in the long run. Because in Dick coming to outright HATE Bruce at times, he realised... He didn't want to BE like Bruce

Hence his evolution to Nightwing. The smiling jokester. The high flipping, wise cracking, pain maker of the world. All of the skills and abilities of Batman, but with the inspiring hope of Superman

He HATES being Batman and it's what he doesn't WANT for himself. It's the bad end for him because it means he's been reduced back into that cave of darkness to continue the cycle he'd broken free of.

Jason Todd

Robin number 2, goes by Red Hood. The kid who thought being Robin gave him magic powers, he was that eager to help people. Only to fall into rage and darkness after his death and revival....

Yeah... Yeah

Here's the thing

If Jason never died? Then yes. He could TOTALLY become Batman. If he was still the rather cheerful, if at times a bit morally grey, Jason Todd who stole those tires from the BatMobile? He'd be raised right and the perfect one to take over the cowl. To be a brighter Batman who was STILL Batman.

But... After the lazerus pit? After the anger?

Even after all the healing... He's not the right kind of person to be Batman. And even he knows it. Because while it is not always his first option, he IS too eager to squeeze that trigger...

Tim Drake

Tim Tim. Tim. Timmy Tim Tim.

Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne.

Tim.

Robin III, the one who's never REALLY growl out of the role, and the only one who WANTED the role. The second most common cry of who should take the cowl because he "wanted to be Robin" and he is "just if not a better detective than Batman"

...

Yes. He wanted to be ROBIN. That's the thing. ROBIN.

Multiple times we see futures where Tim becomes Robin. And guess what? All are terrible where he turns into a murderer and a psychopath!

Being Batman BREAKS Tim because he is TOO NICE of a person!

Robin is Tim as a hero. And if he graduates from it he either becomes the next commissioner, the next Luscious Fox or the new Oracle. No other option

Damian Wayne

The blood son. The hellspawn. The son of Talia. Blood of the demon and the detective.

The one who sees Batman as his BIRTHRIGHT.

...

And yeah. That's the issue there

Damian sees Batman as something that belongs to him. Or at least, he did. Way back when. Not something he had to earn, not something that held value. Just some property connected to his liniage

But his story since being introduced? Growing away from that. Learning how he doesn't NEED to be what was layed out for him. How his life is HIS choice for HIS path

Personally? The second Nightwing. That's what I see Damian as.

Also.... We've got future Damian is Batman stories and Gotham is literal hell on earth.

....

....

...

So, that's the BatBoys out the way. Who's left?

....

...

...

....

...

....

...

DA BOSS BITCH CASSANDRA CAIN!!!!!!!!

First off, she is a better fighter than Bruce is. Has been stated multiple times. Could beat all her siblings at the same time

Second, she's not AS good of a detective as Tim... Doesn't mean she's stupid. She's a good detective. Heck she's the one who helped solve the murder mystery that framed Bruce Wayne, when everyone else was ready to give up on him!

Third, she follows all of Batman's principals even harder than him. Her No Kill Rule is more ferocious, her loyalty is to the symbol and what it represents NOTHING else

Fourth, she WANTS IT. It's what she genuinely wants as it's what she sees her next step in life being. Her goal, her future, her desire. Her destiny.

And finally? Her hero identity is nothing but light to her dark world. Her siblings have their heroic lives marked by pain (Dick becoming a hero out of rage at the loss of his parents, Jason's death, Tim loosing... Almost everything as he became Robin, Damian with his legacy and the league/BatClan's personal battles) but... Cass? She killed someone at age 8 as Cassandra Cain. It had nothing to do with the Bat, with masks, with Gotham, with anything. It was purely independent trauma and so being a hero IS her light.

And that is why Cassandra Cain should be Batman after Bruce Wayne finally retires

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

hi! feel free to disregard this if you feel its an intrusive question or you just wish not to respond.

i saw your response on the post about adhd reward systems and was intruiged and a bit inspired/validated/something. im an undergrad psych/human dev student right now aiming to get a msw and clinical license to do therapy and i struggle with managing my adhd for more than a couple months at a time quite a bit. i often question whether or not i will be able to be in any helping profession due to not feeling like i can manage my own functioning issues. it feels contradictory to me to imagine therapists (and especially possible future me as an lcsw) struggling with anything while still being good therapists. though i know logically that everyone struggles with things from time to time, it feels like one might feel unqualified to help others if they are not able to manage their own issues all of the time.

i was wondering if you had any wisdom about reconciling these things as a therapist with adhd. i was very interested in what you shared about how you manage days when you are having a harder time.

Awwww, rats hun, I'm sorry that you've been worrying about this! I really want to encourage you to reach out off Anon, cuz I'd love to chat more, one social worker to another 💚

That said, I'm gonna try and respond to your ask here as best I can!

First off, it's not too intrusive a question (for me) at all! I try to be really open about certain things in my life, and tend not to reference something on here I'm not comfortable talking more about. Even if it did feel intrusive, I'd answer what I *was* comfy with and declined to comment on the rest.

As for needing to have your own house in order to be able to help others, I mean....yeah, to some extent. But you're a human being, and so are the people on the other side of the chair, and we all benefit from learning how to fuck up safely and come back from that so like. I don't subscribe to the idea that therapists need to be flawless people. There are absolutely things to be attentive to/cautious about (including how we are impacting the person, the space, and the conversation, etc) but I've actually developed BETTER dynamics with clients who let me know I did something they didn't like or that hurt them, and being able to move forward together with a plan to better protect their boundaries in the space. And if the parts of you that you're worried about is outside the space, well. That's why most therapists have therapists. To process, reflect, and monitor ourselves for warning signs that we're sliding outside our boundaries. No one is perfectly under control all the time.

And with ADHD specifically, one of the biggest things people need and deserve access to is the safety to fail, the safety to drop habits and have to pick them back up after things pile up, the safety to not feel ashamed of their experience of the world. Without the active work of unwinding those feelings of shame, behavioral tools/accommodations are often a lot less effective for us. And for a demographic that specifically struggles with emotional security/consistency, that's often an intense process for us to go through. Knowing other people we perceive as successful and thriving may ALSO experience similar cycles and needs to us. If clients genuinely think therapists are perfect, it's easy for those of us on the other side of the chair to let the shame evolve into comparison as a way to self-blame for our perceived failure.

I got my ADHD diagnosis part way through my MSW, and didn't get medicated for it until after I had graduated. I was uhhhhhhhh

Obsessive. About my routines, my organization, my back up plans, all of it. It was hard to believe I could function if I wasn't meeting everyone's expectations all the time. But it's unsustainable. It **can't** last forever. Especially when everything is just. So overwhelming all the time.

So I definitely don't want you to think that the only way to get to your clinical license is to demand that you always operate at 100% capacity in order to justify not be flawless. A lot of us carry that burden with us well into adulthood, and truly? It's the other way around. The more comfort, ease of access to resources, and sense of security we have in our lives, the better we're able to make our way towards patterns that work for us.

I don't want to give the impression that the specifics of my coping strategies are A) comprehensively effective, and/or B) universally applicable. So I'm gonna kinda stick with the underlying philosophy.

Essentially, one of the most important things is that any strategies I rely on are capable of being picked back up without judgement or major disruption. So for example, I keep a daybook calendar. It was recommended by another ADHDer as an effective way of visualizing and navigating executive dysfunction. It's divided up into days, weeks, months, and quarter years. Most importantly, it's undated. I have had this (and been using the exact same) daybook for over 2yrs. Periodically, I lose momentum for days, weeks, or even months. But when I finally get back the bandwidth to pick it back up, all I have to do is turn to a new week and date it for my current week. I just picked back up yesterday after not using it since last summer lmao

There's this concept in behavioral training for dogs called "no failure" where essentially (deeply simplified!!!) you always mark and reward whatever positive behaviors you get from the dog as a process of positive reinforcement of what you want from them. And while you wouldn't reward unsafe or inappropriate behavior from the dog, the second they redirect, no matter what they were doing a minute ago, you mark and reward.

I've been training my dogs this way for a good 5-6yrs now, and everywhere they go people will hunt me down to ask me how I get them to be so polite and responsive.

People aren't dogs, obvi, but this positive reinforcement process still functions similarly. So like, when I work with kids and families on "behavior issues" I get families to like. Essentially remove proactive consequences. Natural consequences happen, because that's life, but you still shouldn't abandon them to figuring out a solution on their own. It's a lot of modeling, marking, and rewarding, and a lot of repetitive and continuous conversations about why certain rules exist or why certain expectations are had, etc. An example here might be a "behavior chart" with tiered rewards. Each day that behavior is in line with safety and meeting needs, you mark and reward it. Every week that this is true for all 7 days, you mark and reinforce with a slightly more valuable reward. And on top of that, you have "high value" rewards for cumulative successes. If you hit 28 days of success (even if they're not consecutive, rather intermittent with non-marked days across like. 3 months or whatever) the reinforcement reward has been earned and that's that.

Partially, this process helps reframe dysregulation from "failure" to "interruption." And partially, this ensures that every success builds on previous successes, making it easier to remember backwards that good and bad days both happen, even when we have a hard time remembering what "not now" feels like.

Everything I build for myself is like that. No failure, mark and reinforce. Sometimes I do it for myself, sometimes my wife helps me, and sometimes I learn to arrange positive and affirming natural consequences of my choices. It just sort of depends what makes the most sense.

Another pillar of the underlying philosophy here is that eveything is contextual. Any change in the circumstances might change how our needs around that circumstance presents. So if a strategy or tool isn't working anymore, it's not because I've failed, it's because something about my physical and/or emotional landscape has changed since the last time I sat with myself about what helps me function. Maybe it's a temporary change (just for the day cuz I'm tired or sick for example), or maybe it's long term (when we moved to the city it became important for me to get regular, intentional sunlight because if I wasn't proactive about it, I would isolate indoors and struggle more for example), but whichever it is, all that matters is that I acknowledge what's changed about my needs without judgement or self-shaming. It's a *straightforward* process, but certainly not an easy or time-sensitive process.

Anyway, hun, you're still in your undergrad. I absolutely ASSURE you, you will not be the same person by the time you graduate from your master's. It's like stone going through pressure and heat. *Something* is always gonna change. So cut yourself a lil slack about where you are now. You aren't pressed for time, I promise.

[rickmoya]

the books I read in 2024

Mrs. Dalloway, Virginia Woolf (1)

Digital Cosmopolitans, Ethan Zuckerman

Speak, Laurie Halse Anderson (2)

How To Take Over the World, Ryan North

To Hate Like This Is To Be Happy Forever, Will Blythe

Hark! A Vagrant/Step Aside, Pops, Kate Beaton (3)

Making a Point: The Persnickety Story of English Punctuation, David Crystal

Ducks, Kate Beaton

Operation Do-Over, Gordon Korman

Fight Club 2: The Tranquility Gambit, Chuck Palahniuk and Cameron Stewart (4)

The Fort, Gordon Korman

Romeo and/or Juliet, Ryan North

Turning Japanese, MariNaomi

Abroad in Japan, Chris Broad

Ready Player Two, Ernest Cline (5)

Interesting Stories for Curious People, Bill O'Neill (6)

Hell of a Hat: The Rise of '90s Ska and Swing, Kenneth Partridge

Swamp Story, Dave Barry

The Secret to Superhuman Strength, Alison Bechdel

Blood, Bones and Butter, Gabrielle Hamilton

Flavorama, Arielle Johnson

Welcome to St. Hell, Lewis Hancox

Peasprout Chen: Future Legend of Skate and Sword, Henry Lien (7)

The City of Ember, Jeanne DuPrau

Crying in H Mart, Michelle Zauner

Out Of My Mind, Sharon M. Draper

italics: read it before struck: unfinished

Maybe I just suck at reading now that I'm past 40? I don't know. The last few years I've been making excuses and padding out my list with rereads, but at some point you have to acknowledge the trends. My trend is fewer books. This might be the lowest number I've hit in any year since birth.

I also read ten years each of the webcomics Schlock Mercenary and Sluggy Freelance. Got to a point I hadn't read before, but not finished with either.

I did rotate some stock off my TBR shelf, at least. Not that you'd know to look at it — the shelf is as full as ever. Then again, at least four books up there are rereads, and three others are juv/YA. Maybe I'll make more progress in 2025.

Goals:

Ding 40. (I originally put 50, but, like, come on. Trend.)

At least 40% authors who are not white men. (I did OK there this year: 12/26, not counting the trans guy who is technically a white man.)

At least 10 books off the TBR.

----------------------------------------------

So. I've had this book on my TBR since college. (The first time.) I took a modernist English lit course where we read Ulysses and To the Lighthouse, and Mrs. Dalloway was one of the comparative important links, but after Joyce I wasn't gonna do it right away. I found my copy at a mega library sale around the time I graduated. Opened it several times over the last 25 years, but the stream-of-consciousness/internal-monologue style meant (for me) that I couldn't set it down and come back and remember what was going on. So finally I had a free day and read the whole thing in almost one go. (I technically didn't do this until July, but I attempted to do it during a day off in January, which is why it's first.)

Substitute teaching exposes me to a lot of teacher libraries. Sometimes during a prep period I can read stuff from them. For this book (which I'd heard of but never opened) I was covering a classroom that was empty for nearly four hours.

I started poring through Beaton's comics on her archived website. When I realized my library had two books of it in print, I checked those out for easier reading. This entry encompasses all of it.

It's a graphic novel! It's totally unnecessary! It gets way too meta (to the point that it acknowledges IN TEXT that it's too meta)!

If you feel like you need to read this, ask yourself: have I already read Ready Player One? If so, then ask: was my favorite part the constant Family Guy-style "memba this?" references. Because this is that, just with different fandoms.

My niece got me this one. It's like a book full of factoids or the beginnings of stories. Not immersive, but good for while waiting through piano lesson.

Another substituting library selection, about an alternate-universe Taiwan where the predominant mode of transportation/self-defense is ice skating. I had a prep, thought this is a stupid book and then read half of it before the day was over. So endearingly stupid, I checked it out of the public library to finish.

[theworldvsyoshiko]

Presenting the graduating class of 5507:

This is a big one, and it's gonna really hurt. This doesn't just represent the core of the colony's fighting ability, but the kids who handled a lot of the day-to-day work. Also it's going to break Yoshiko's heart, because every single one of these were under 13 when they showed up, so she adopted them all. I mean, you can adopt people over 13, but that's kinda the cutoff point I set for now. Anyway, yeah, two sons and three daughters ready to head out into the world.

Also? Not a single missing limb among them. Stein's missing a finger and a toe, but that barely counts.

Stein, despite being paralyzed when he first showed up, missing a chunk of his childhood as a result, and needing genetic modification before he was even safe to keep around, has become basically the adult in the room when Yoshiko's not around. He's great with a gun and just about single-handedly responsible for taming and controlling all of the colony's war animals. As many animals as that is, and as few robots as we have (more on that later), he's probably a bigger help in a fight than Yoshiko herself. He has 102 kills.

Who's gonna train our huge pile of war animals once he leaves? Good fucking question. Literally might have to eat some of them.

Also Yoshiko bit his toe so hard that it bled once, so that was fun. Thanks to his weird appearance, it's rare for him to have many friends in the colony, but I'm sure as hell gonna miss him.

Wester has been here since she was 4 years old. She might be the graduate who's lived here the longest? Which I guess might explain why she's close with almost everybody. She blew up a mech cluster with a synthetic tornado that one time. She's solid with a gun, the best artist around, and just generally competent or better at most things. Oh, and she and Manny did basically all the gardening, so that'll be fun to lose.

Thanks to the overlap of her artistic development with the colony's peak rabbit population, she made a lot of sculptures depicting people sterilizing rabbits. And rabbits getting eaten by predators. And rabbits getting shot by the colony's enemies. I think that keeping dozens of free-roaming rabbits around when you have small kids is maybe a bad idea.

Manny has only been here since she was 10, and upon turning 13 she decided that she's a pacifist. Fortunately, she's good at basically everything that isn't combat or mining, and you know what? Having a really good doctor waiting back at the base, who's almost guaranteed to not have a fresh bullet wound, has proven pretty handy after a lot of firefights.

The whole 'adoption counts people as Kin rather than Sons/Daughters' thing struck here, in that the game recognizes that Manny and Cisneros have some kind of familial relationship, but doesn't consider it close enough to prevent romance. So those two are dating.

Tiger is, it must be noted, ugly as fuck.

You'd think this would be a bigger deal than it is. Not only is most of the colony willing to overlook this, but she did a lot of research, which meant a lot of time sitting by Yoshiko and chatting, so they've usually been pretty close. She's also a gun-obsessed weirdo, so Yoshiko's trend of adoring small violent children continues.

Tiger's probably the third-best combatant in the colony after Yoshiko and Stein, and her accomplishments include: once snapped and did about half of the drugs in the storeroom all at once, walked away addicted to a couple of things, and spent the next year or so fucking miserable.

Cisneros has, for whatever reason, been Yoshiko's best friend pretty much since the day he arrived. She adores her weird blue cat son. Whereas he's like the one person in this list who isn't a national-level expert in multiple fields of endeavor, and he's not very good in a fight, so I will miss him the least.

Bye, kids. I'll miss you. (Except Cisneros.)

[femmmie]

💛Smoshblr December Asks Final Day💙

We‘ve done it! We’ve finally reached the end of this lil ask game and also the end of 2023! 🥳 Thank you so much for joining in on this, I truly appreciate it so much 🫶! I wish you a wonderful start into the new year and that all your hopes and dreams for 2024 will come true! ✨💞

But, since the year isn’t quite over yet, I thought this might be a nice time to reminisce a little bit. Therefore, the final question of the Smoshblr December Asks Game:

What are your favourite smosh-related memories of 2023? 💖

(no specific amount required for this one; and you can ofc also include older smosh memories, if you want to 🤗)

Stella!! I'm so gonna miss getting your asks every day in my inbox T_T thank you so much for making this month extra special and festive, it was absolutely wonderful waking up knowing there would be a new one waiting!!! <3

My favorite Smosh-related memory? Well, idk, I read a really great fanfic, but it was a bit out there, a bit too sentimental and unrealistic... it goes like this:

Friendship always wins

The sun scorched the suburbs of Sacramento. The neighborhood looked like if a stock photo had a heroine problem. Bored out of their minds, two sixth graders got grouped together for a school project.

"Here, let me draw some turds on the trash pile."

"I'll add flies."

"Hehehe, yeah that looks better."

The two kids, Ian and Anthony, connected through their shared humor, which ranged from Beavis and Butthead to Home Alone to Southpark, and to whatever was on the internet in that godforsaken time pre-2005.

The oldest one, Anthony, came from a broken home. He had to grow up fast and take care of his siblings and mom. The only times he could really be a kid and fuck around, was with his best friend Ian. Feeling nurtured by Ian's mom and dad, and constantly laughing at Ian's jokes, his happiness was there, with Ian. He could get through working hard, as long as he had Ian to go back to and have fun.

Their nerdy friend group were all into internet humor and Anthony came up with the idea of having a forum for them all to shitpost on and share their creations and collaborate.

But then he got sick. Really sick. He couldn't go to school, had to stay home for six months. He felt so isolated, not seeing his friends, most of all Ian. But Ian showed up at his house with a get well soon card. It was signed by everyone from his class. He could cry, he was so happy with this symbol of friendship. It kept him going the rest of the months. He put his time and energy into coding and learning how to do graphic design.

Smosh was born and it took off. First the website was just for them; Ian, Anthony, and their friends. It had stuff like articles, memes and videos. But soon the whole school was frequenting the site. News traveled outside the school even, and before they knew it, Smosh was an internet phenomenon. After they graduated, Ian and Anthony chose to keep the website going. Just for fun. And they got some money from merch they would distribute themselves.

One day, they saw that one of their videos was pirated and hosted on some new platform: YouTube. That gave them an idea: why not host all their videos there? It was free after all. Being at the right place at the right time, with the right kind of humor and the right kind of raw talent, Smosh was propelled to be one of the biggest YouTube channels there were. They even became the biggest one. However, with success also comes vultures, ready to take everything from you...

A company introduced themselves to Ian and Anthony and promised them the world: give Smosh to us, and you will only have to worry about making videos. We will take care of everything else. It sounded too good to be true. And sadly, it was. For even though at first, Ian and Anthony had more fun than ever, coming up with bigger and funnier videos than ever, they soon found out they were not in control anymore.

Anthony, who had always fought to stay in control of things; his family, his health, his whole life... it was very hard to see his creation being contorted and mutilated into something he didn't want it to be. And he grew to hate it. That hate spread everywhere, even towards his best friend, who kept trying to tell him "man, let's take the losses and be happy we have this job, we could have still been in Sacramento with nowhere to go."

But Anthony had had it.

"Ian, come with me, let's start a new channel, just the two of us."

"Anthony... I can't. It doesn't make any sense business wise. I know it's not ideal, but please, Anthony, stay?"

After years and years of putting his all into the company, Anthony couldn't do it anymore. He quit Smosh, and a shockwave went through the entire fandom that had built around it.

Smosh was still going. But you see, money and power got involved, and Ian and Anthony had lost sight of each other... they tried to hold on, you could see it clear as day, but they were ripped apart by the greed of the soulless company, which is a tautology, if you think about it.

Both guys were heartbroken. Still sneaking glances at each other, but not able to speak. Too much had happened between them.

And then the company went bankrupt and Smosh was in mortal danger. Ian, who had fought to keep the brand alive ever since Anthony left, fought as hard as he could to find someone to buy it, who wouldn't just sell it off for parts like an old car. Luckily, a YouTuber duo who knew Smosh from afar, stepped in and saved the day. Thanks to them and to Ian, Smosh survived. But was it really still Smosh? What was Smosh if it wasn't Ian and Anthony?

In the meantime, Anthony had rebooted his personal YouTube channel and through trial and error found success. Nothing like Smosh, of course, but impressive nonetheless.

Apart from each other, Ian and Anthony persevered. But they were still heartbroken and in need of something. That something was each other of course. And finally, years later, they met again. And they were both surprised. They had both healed and grown enough to see each other and talk freely, like adults. And they were surprised to see how well they still clicked.

It was like they were the same friends they had been all those years ago, but eve better. The slogan they had come up with all those years, finally rang true again, more than it had ever done. Friendship always wins.

And as they reconnected more and more, one faithful day, one of them said..

"what if we bought Smosh?"

And at that moment, their family was no longer broken, they were reunited and Anthony suddenly had a lot more 'kids' to take care of. But he was so happy, so happy to be with Ian again. He was finally fulfilled.

[polarisbibliotheque]

Updating by writing you guys this huge post. I mean it, it's really long xD

Heeey-ho!

I know, I know, I couldn't keep my Halloween promise T-T

Tha Halloween gods are now shouting at me "HOW COULD YOU?!"

Die Halloween gods, slowly coming after me - black and white edition

As it has happened before, I'll be posting both Dante and Vergil's part during november. I'm still working on them, so it might take a while. Do apologise.

They will be here, just with a little delay. I do think Halloween should last more than just a few days, so screw it, until Christmas, it's still legal to celebrate Halloween at the Bibliothéque \o/

Now, now, for those who don't like too much talking, I'll be explaining a little bit below why I'm taking so long. Feel free to skip it if you don't want to read it, no worries ;)

(There's a "conclusion and TL;DR for those who don't want to read this whole novel" in pink down there if you want to scroll down to that point!)

As *not* expected, my health took a crazy downturn. I know I say it all the time, but hell, I've no idea what gives this time. I literally stopped everything. I spend most of the day in pain and the rest of it sleeping. That's it.

I have an appointment with my doctor next week, but I'm not too much hopeful. Last exams showed I have two ulcers - which means scarring and bleeding in the stomach - that can be literally anything.

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty worried it can be something worse than I was expecting, although it never even appeared to exist before, but well... My anxiety isn't exactly logic.

Secondly, as you guys might not know, I'm graduated in Law, worked as a lawyer for 5+ years before having a burnout and all those health issues (yeah, yeah, don't do what I've done, all that sort of thing). But something you don't know, and honestly probably only my close family knows and cares about, is that my graduation thesis was "The Conflict of Israel x Palestine and International Law".

I researched it for 3 years before defending my thesis, got a college prize for it, the professor who mentored me made a huge speech on how I proved "we women can do it on academia and research" and that my work was really nice. I'm not saying all this 'cause I'm boasting, I'm just saying I know what I'm talking about (because you know, who has never met a man who thinks their opinion is better than yours "just because" while you have a fucking huge CV on research and graduated with honors on the same matter but, somehow, you can't beat the opinion he just pulls out of his ass?).

All of this to say, I'm devastated by what's going on. This is more than politics to me. This was my thing, you know? I had a dream, stupid ~promising young woman~ dream of doing something with my intelligence to actually help people. To actually stop massacres of happening. I wanted to work at the UN, I wanted to speak with world leaders, to show people how much I can research and how much basic human rights matter so horrid things cannot happen ever again.

When the war broke and the bombings started, I followed the news. And then the news weren't reliable anymore. I started digging to find the truth - and hells, the truth is ugly and bloody. I think that's when all those last shards of dreams came crashing down. I thought I could do something, you know? Actually do something. But in the end, my parents were broke, I had to work to help at home, I kept sending my CV to the UN but I was never enough, and I just wasted my energy and health under the boots of someone who had more power and influence than me to break me and kill my career before it even started.

I felt so horribly powerless. So horribly broken. It seems stupid, but everything that is going on out there fells personal to me, I have history with it. And it broke me. Completely. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't force myself to at least watch the horrible things going on and try to like/share so the algorithm can make it reach other people.

That's all I can do.

You know, I have a lot of Vergil in me. For the things I wrote, I think you all can see I have a thing of "I never want to feel pain again and I want power so no one can never hurt me again" - that's why I think I want to kick his ass every time I see this fucking man being so emotionally constipated and ruthless because of his trauma. It's a way to protect himself, burning every path so he never feels powerless again - and I guess we all HATE to see the parts of our own personalities we hate the most in someone elese

So yeah. I know things took a dark turn on this one, but I decided to be honest with you guys - since I'm owing so many updates: the 2 Halloween fics, Nemesis and Survivor's Blood. I'm not really well currently, and only the gods know how much effort I'm making to keep it together... At least a little bit.

Physically, I'm like V. And I'm not even trying to be funny, every time I see that lil' goth twink I want to yeet him away because, hell, I'm MAD I see myself in him (mind you, I used to be more on Dante's side of the fitness spectre xD) - and not only regarding fitness, but tiredness. Falling apart. It's so... Harrowing. I think that's the word that fits the feeling better.

Mentally, I'm Vergil. I don't want to, I want to beat him with a stick, I want to yell at his face and kick his stupid ass, but damn. I get it. That crippling fear of not wanting to feel powerless again, to have people abuse you? The feeling you're trapped in your own body? The "feelings bring only pain and suffering"? The terrifying dread of discovering you failed at everything even with all your talents and never wanting to admit it? Check all of those. I hate you Vergil, but I get you.

I'm trying, though. I use writing as a coping mechanism and as a way to resolve many things mentally, but the last months have felt SO overwhelming I went back to my paralysed state of not being able to do anything and running away from things that remind me of all THAT.

You guys might be alarmed, but there's no reason to be, though. This is a ~moment~ I'm going through and I just need to sort it all out. I'm starting to get some warning signs of numbness, vivid nightmares of past issues, the paralysis, avoidance - but I've been there before. I just haven't figured out a way to pull myself together and I don't even remember how I did that once, so it might take me some time.

I don't know why, I had some sort of weird ~boost~ while thinking in the shower today, and I might know how to give the small steps to start getting back on track and gaining that momentum I need. This weekend I had to convince my mom to celebrate her birthday 'cause she's my Samwise Gamgee carrying me up Mount Doom and she wasn't in a mood to do so - therefore on monday, I have some things in mind to discuss with her and, hopefully, things will slowly go back to their place.

Conclusion and TL;DR for those who don't want to read this whole novel hahaha

THAT BEING SAID: I'm really sorry I can't deliver everything I wanted to you, guys. I didn't expect life to get so much more fucked up than it already was, but here we are. I just have to get used to the new pace of things, but it might take a while. My output of writing will be slow, but hey, after I can get out of that paralysis phase, I'll probably be writing more and posting more - 'cause I really, really love this. With all my heart.

(also, if you people see me active on my drawing thing, posting a bunch of things, it's 'cause I'm finally getting to look at all the art I've done but never posted and actually updating it and putting my art blog to some use I haven't in a while - I won't be creating new stuff. All old stuff I procrastinated as HELL and those will be some of my small steps to get out of this rut)

Now, as a last thing, I intend to use a video from a guy I always watch on youtube as some sort of guiding light in these trying times hahahaha but seriously, he has some really sound advice and he is so down to earth. Maybe someone who's going through some fucked up times can use his advice as well and unfuck their life too :)

That's it. I felt like I needed some raw honesty today. Like I said, small steps. This is part of it hahahaha

I hope you guys understand. There's nothing I love more than writing, creating something for people - and all of this, everyone I met here and every single person that uses their time, which is the most precious thing we have, to read something I wrote gives me the greatest gift I can be given. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate you and how much I don't want to disappoint you.

So thank you. I will work slowly and I will need some time to get my shit together, but I'll always be here. I'll update everything I need and won't leave you hanging but you know... It's like Dracula Daily. It starts in April and finishes by the end of the year, taking time to put the letters together.

Aaaaand, if you read Lord of the Rings, the whole adventure takes a year. We are very much conditioned to be given content constantly to keep algorithms happy, but I do have a view that humans (and art for that matter) can't keep up with being content.

Zygmunt Bauman said we live in liquid times, and made the theory that everything is liquid nowadays (for people who like sociology and philosophy, I highly recommend his books, I love him with all my heart), so we're not really used to things that are a little more... Constant. Earthy, perhaps. Slow, stable, never leaving.

I try my best to be like that, not like a liquid, inconstant, fleeting presence. I want the things I do to be part of something that will stay, and I like being someone that stays - and doesn't just flow away because everything has to be fast and ever moving nowadays. The Bibliothéque is to be like that, I think, a place that no matter what, you can come back after ten months and you'll still find me here, drinking some tea and writing stuff. And I'll be happy to see you again, for as much as you can or would like to stay :)

kinda like Dante in his lil' shop :')

That's it. Thank you for reading me mumbling nonsensically in order to tell you I will keep updating my fanfiction, even if at a slow pace HAHAHAHAHAHA

Hope you guys have a fine weekend and a good next week! I'll be always lurking around, but the creation process will be a bit slow.

Will still be here to mumble randomly about DMC and scream random things in the void though :D

*me getting ready to tackle life for the next months, going like "still heeeeeeeeere bitch!!"*

***

And I'd like to add that I searched for "Obi Wan" on GIFs to find some sassy defying mood too add here and one of the first hits was this:

I'll leave you guys on this note 'cause I'm still wheezing about it, it's so friggin' on point I can't EVEN

[daydream-comet]

A REALLY MESSY ANALYSIS OF THE CAVE SCENE IN THE BSB MOVIE. 

So HI. YOU PROBABLY KNOW ME. COMET IS KNOWN TO YOU, OTHERWISE HOW COULD YOU GET YOUR HANDS ON THIS. Anywayyys welcome to this messy analysis thingy. I have social anxiety and I make a fool of myself on a daily basis. Enjoy.

So lets just uh kick in to the main scene shall we. Apologies if I switch between dub and sub names.

Also the reason why most of the images are in collages is because. The original google doc was indeed so big. I have far surpassed the image limit. Which is also why like pictures sometimes look out of place compared to the doc. But hey. Atleast they're there.

There is just something about this scene that hits me. Lets look at it like this, Tyson is all alone In a cave, trapped. His lifelong companion is sealed. The world is literally ending. His friends are probably trying to break him free. But in that moment tyson is truly alone, chasing after what seems like a lost cause.

And like tyson is literally just. Talking to dragoon not knowing if his voice is even reaching the other side. Like. He's basically just talking to himself in a sense. He's DESPERATE.

Its like talking to someone who is in a coma, someone really close to you, someone you are just about to lose forever...

You don't know if they can hear you

If they know youre there for them

Standing by their side till the end

"When a story is about to end, we'll always reminisce about its beginning." (Honkai 3rd Graduation Trip animated short reference yes. I'm still recovering. Kiana come backk)

Tyson's words show him doing exactly that

A part of him knows there's a chance that this is probably gonna be the end for both of them

Won't you think of all that you've been through together at that time? Wouldn't you wish to enter whatever realm the dead go to together with that one person who was always there for you from the beginning of your journey?

Now heres the elephant in the room. Or whatever the saying goes like.

Just. Look at him. Dirty, defeated, trapped but still persevering. 

We humans will do whatever it takes to save our loved ones

Even if it costs our life. 

Dragoon was the reason tyson became who he is, so in that moment when dragoon is literally in a fate worse than death (there's a reason solitary confinement renders prisoners mad yk)  and tyson will probably die too if he stays trapped in that cave (he has no food and water?? The cave is unstable?? There are creatures destroying the world outside?? His friends are probably as helpless as him?? How are you going to open a cave? With your bare hands and plastic spinning tops??) it's only natural for him to at least try. 

Drop all logical conclusions, just make a crazy move  and hope for the best or die trying. 

In shorter words, desperation and hope, pessimism and optimism clashing against each other in a battle for survival.

The situation is out of your control, all you can do is hope for the best and that your actions are not in vain.

Tyson repeatedly hitting the wall, trying to break it, which he knows isn't possible but still going on despite being physically exhausted. If that is not desperation, I don't know what is.

It hurts to see him in this state. How….helpless and hopeless and scary  the situation must've been for a kid like him. I'd legit be crying by now. and the fact that he knows everything depends on whether they make it out or not. Like, shit, man thats…..thats too much even for an adult. We've seen adults break down from that kind of pressure and yet this kid is still standing tall despite the fact that it's taking a toll on him as well.

Like. Just. Wow. I have few words to explain this but I tried to my best efforts.

"We humans will do whatever it takes to save our loved ones

Even if it costs our life

Dragoon was the reason tyson became who he is, so in that moment when dragoon is literally in a fate worse than death and tyson will probably die too if he stays trapped in that cave, its only natural for him to at least try"

my earlier message is brought up here again.

Its a "we will either rise or go down, together" Because, this time, its dragoon who is the one needing saving, and its tyson who is fighting for him. 

And despite there being nothing much tyson can do with the resources around him being just rocks, he still keeps on trying. 

(This is the part where I start to tear up btw) (<--- a note I made when writing the og google doc. Rn I'm wearing headphones blasting the sonic frontiers boss themes in an attempt to calm myself down. This is the third time im doing this after tumblr screwed with me. Its therapeutic. Please proceed and ignore this)

Update. Would you believe me if i said that i missed something in the original post, which I noticed after like watching the movie for the third time but. I WAS RIGHT DRAGOON WAS AWARE AND WATCHING THE WHOLE TIME. YEAHH I'M NOT FULLY DELUSIONAL LETS GOO.

That and remember how I mentioned that tyson must be been exhausted af but still kept on going? Yea. Look at the height he fell from. The dust cloud too. And his scream as he stumbles down (it sounds different that a normal comedic scream we hear takao usually do. Motoko Kumai nailed this scene fr).

This line here said by dark dragoon…

I think its obvious that they, the bladers ofc, have some kind of soul-connection or whatever with their sacred beasts (also my do ppl ignore the major lore drops in the movie??)

Like we see that if a bit beast gets hurt during battle, the blader also feels some amount of pain or exhaustion as well to a certain degree (tyson getting a cut on his cheek during his battle with kane, few selective battles from grev and s1 etc.)

And the fact that the blader's emotions influence the beast as well (look at tyson and ralf's first battle. Tyson feeling fear affects dragoon too. And how dragoon said that as long as tyson had hope he'll always keep fighting in their battle against Tala)

And its no doubt that tyson and dragoon have one of the most unique dynamics in the show

Like, he's pretty much the only blader that proclaimed his sacred beast as his sworn brother TWICE (once in s1 in the ralf vs tyson rematch and once in the movie when he gets out of the cave and like dreamscape-like sequence with dark dragoon talking in tyson's mind)

And the fact like when the cave is collapsing and like boulders are falling everywhere tyson doesn't?? React to it at all??? He was just. Standing there. Looking at the wall. Like. He was in shock or like he was stunned and trying to process it. It goes to a point where Max has to approach him and tell him to get the hell outta here, which Tyson understandably refuses to do, and push him aside when a boulder was about to fall on them??? And then Max had to leave the cave but Takao didn't follow him??? Like Takao didn't care to go out without dragoon??? And like after a scene skip when we see Takao again and he's just. Talking to dragoon as shown above and. Do you just think like. During that time he was calming himself down. Like. Taking the time to process what the hell just happened. And figure out a way to get himself and dragoon out safely. 

Something I noticed after like writing the initial document. Takao blames himself for what happened to dragoon. Saying it was all his fault. When it's actually not. Like I'd say the movie is one of those situations where takao really has no involvement or relation with its ignition and was acting fairly maturely. And no takao hurrying to rescue daichi was not a bad decision. In fact if takao had been late things would've gotten worse. Takao understood the need to act fast and acted on that.

Anyways back to the initial scene

After all that desperation, all that fighting, one eventually burns out.

Tyson knew it wasn't possible for him alone to do it, but he still tired.

And ultimately It didn't work out 

Its like he went from shock to denial to persistence to desperation to acceptance

And defeat

Because he failed to protect the person he had sworn to.

(YET. this is me grabbing the plot by its collar and going "no actually")

WEPL UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THIS. OUR CHAMPS GOT UP. THEY AIN'T GOING DOWN. NOT TODAY BABES.

And then theres the climax of all the buildup that has happened.

Tyson's emotions and actions got through to the seal to dragoon without him knowing.

"I think its obvious that they have some kind of soul-connection with their sacred beasts"

Tyson's emotions and actions encouraged dragoon to fight back,

And in the end

They finally managed to pull it off

After so many failed attempts, so many obstacles and so many hardships, they finally managed to pull the rescue off.

Together.

 (FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC BITCHES *PULLS OUT A LOADED SHOTGUN*)

also remember how dragoon said that as long as tyson had hope dragon would still keep on fighting? Welp. Looks like, even in defeat and what was basically a dead end, Tyson still held hope that maybe, just maybe, things would get better (he's just a CHILD y'all). That and DRAGOON SPOKE EVERYONE STAND UP. and do you realize that. All that time when Tyson was talking in his most vulnerable state ever. Dragoon was LISTENING despite them both being separated by this wall. Dragoon was aware of everything, of what was happening, of what tyson was going through all along. They're like two halves of a whole, they're not. Complete without eachother. They need eachother. They're like platonic soulmates.

This is probably a stretch but. This entire doc is basically me saying stuff that does or doesn't make sense. Anyways I like had a conversation with someone once where i mentioned that if you remove the t and o from 'takao' you get 'aka' which means 'red' (bakuten shoot is filled with name puns in the jp ver anyways)

Tyson's clothing is a mixture of mostly red with blue and yellow. In that conversation I mentioned that blue represents dragoon and his connection with tyson while red represents tyson himself.

And like in the first episode of vforce when during his first battle with ozuma tyson was failing to summon dragoon, he had a reddish tint in the dreamscape-like scene.

Compare this to the movie's dreamscape-like sequence, tyson has a bluish tint there. And guess who's there with him by his side? Yep, dragoon.

In that moment when the entire wall shatters and dragoon breaks free and returns to his blade, The blade turns from white to red.

White usually represents a blank state, A clear canvas.

The blade turning red might be symbolism of the breakthrough, being tyson's efforts help dragoon fight back.

A sign of trust, Of companionship, Of brotherhood.

And that in the end is what helped them save the day once again <3

Also like. This scene when like they all reseal the dark beasts and like the island collapses and they all jump into the boat and watch it all sink. We all can see that they all have different reactions to it but like. Can we all just acknowledge takao's expression here compared to everyone else. That blank-eyed trance-like resigned stare he gives? While everyone else is giving either surprised or wary looks? And like you can see hiromi's hand on takao's shoulder and how she looks….concerned for him? Again this might be my eyes playing tricks or another stretch but it almost as if she was supporting him to stand or like comforting him? Either way yea that look hides a lot of depth. Rare times vforce animation excels with the 'show don't tell' expressions. And how he acts like normal after daichi arrives there on another boat. It's like he's either a great actor or daichi's presence helped him snap out of it.

Okay so now we come to the end of whatever this was. Note that this is just my interpretation of the scene, it might or might not be accurate and most of it is just analysing and speculation, so like no need to treat it like a bible or whatever. Hope you enjoyed this and bye. Comet out. Peaceee.

[love-now-cry-later]

the importance of change

"nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same"

september 3, 2023

I'm at a point in life where everything is changing and for the first time… I'm ok with it. I just turned 18 (woo!) and for the first year since i was 12 i didn't have a breakdown on my birthday. i graduated just before that and now i'm off. in 1 month i'll be in maine for a concert with my best friend, then i'll be in GA with my mom and then i'll be back in jersey until christmas where i’ll then go to nebraska for a bit and then costa rica from january to july, and when we come back my friend Abbi will be graduating and we all will have had enough saved up to rent a house together. And My dad asked me this morning if I was scared and I've just sat here thinking. What do I feel?

i'm about to spend the next year of my life traveling and seeing the world. having opportunities, that i'm eternally grateful for, that many people don't have and my family never had. I have a chance of moving out and getting my own home and for my family, generations in one home, that's really big. I'm young and free and I'm grateful to have friends who give me opportunities that I would never have otherwise.

But It's terrifying. I'm gonna be far from home for a long time and when i'm finally back it won't be for long, but you know what's scarier? everything staying the same.

my life has gotten easier these last few months. my senior year, I graduated because I have connections with teachers and principals and people like me. my 'charisma' as Camdyn puts it. I have opportunities like Costa Rica because friends and their families like me. My life has gotten easier and I don't take that for granted. In some ways I believe the easy, go-with-the-flow, handouts and kindness that I've been receiving is an apology from the universe. An apology for having to be strong and grow up at a very young age. An apology for all that i had to deal with very young, and a reward for not letting it turn me into a person i would be ashamed of. Coming out of it a better person.

I believe that I was meant to break generational cycles. The cycles of poverty- the cycles of teen pregnancy- the cycles of throwing your life away. The cycles of dead end office jobs, janitorial positions- of deciding between a meal for you or your kids tonight. The grab the wic approved!- dirty looks in the grocery line because of the ebt card. I believe it’s gotten easier because I deserve an easier life than my mother and my father. Not that they dont deserve it either, But i can tell they’re happy that i have better, i think thats what they've always wanted for me. Even though they didn’t necessarily provide it, they're happy for me. I can tell.

My point- or the point of this ramble at least is that change is scary but you know what- that's good. Fear is good sometimes! It’s like when you first start highschool and you're scared, there's a new building and its so big and there's so many people you’ve never met and people you never will, but after a couple weeks freshman year is easy- then it’s winter break and spring break, and then- you're a sophomore. I was terrified to graduate, but I'm so grateful and happy I did. Because you know what's more scary and embarrassing than standing in front of hundreds of people that dont like you, and an ex and their new gf in a stupid cap and gown, and possibly falling on your face walking off the stage? Not doing it. Letting yourself give up and fail out of fear. The great thing about life is that you can change at any point. Anything you're unhappy with you can change, And isn't that beautiful?

The thing is that, I've really looked at my life and gotten more perspective and I need more change. “The way im living is a temper tantrum” and not in the way it was before, where i was drinking myself into oblivion for some nihilistic ‘fuck you’ to the man or god or whatver. But in the way that i’ve kept myself in a box so to be what others want me to be. I’m done with the edgy-tryhard - anti feminine hard ass-intimidating bullshit image i’ve tried to spin my whole life. I'm surrendering. Surrendering to the divine feminine, to the easy, happy, beautiful universe. I'm ready to begin the easiest, happiest era of my life. An era of receiving.

Anyway, I hope to all that read this that you will experience freedom, and happiness as we’re all entitled to. Asé