#I'm gonna be miserable in the morning goodnight

[silverselfshippingchaos]

literally no one would be surprised if I said I had a crush on b.ard from the h.obbit, right?

[satoruxx]

THE SPACE BETWEEN COMFORT AND CHAOS.

✧ PAIRING: wolf!toji fushiguro x f!reader | 5k words

✧ SUMMARY: wolfhybrid!toji, hybrid au, grumpy x sunshine, animalistic behavior, bickering, mentions of injuries, hints at past violence/abuse, societal inequality, arguments, medical equipment, toji is a little less of an asshole in this lmao !!

✧ RHEYA'S NOTE: and here's part three !! i didn't expect it to be this long but here we are lmao. pls make sure to read the previous parts before this one to understand what's going on !! anyways i hope you enjoy :33

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toji has only been with you for two days, and you can already confidently say that stubbornness is a staple for him.

the first morning, he had stayed in his room until you had gotten up, only ambling outside when he heard the sound of you moving around in the kitchen. it was only then that it dawned upon you that you hadn't given him anything to eat after his shower the previous night, and he watched you practically trip over yourself trying to apologize.

when you asked why he didn't just ask for food, he only shrugged his shoulders with an adamant scowl, and that's when you knew you'd have to be the one to suggest things for him. because if you don't say it, toji will not ask for it.

the first day had passed by rather unceremoniously. after you fed him a heavy breakfast, which he had tore into with no hesitation, he just lumbered back into the room and fell asleep again. you didn't really know what to do—perhaps he was just exhausted from all the injuries and spending time outdoors.

so you didn't bother him. he spent the rest of the day repeating this cycle, coming out for food and then going back in. only later at night, you had finally bothered him, telling him that you'd replace the bandages you tied the previous night after he showered.

so that's what you did, and he nodded at you in a silent goodnight before heading back in. you must've saw him for maybe two hours in the whole day.

but today your approach is different.

you'd be lying if you said you weren't concerned about his injuries, because you know there is only so much you can do with your first aid kit at home. besides toji is as silent as he is stubborn—you have no clue what other injuries he's hiding from you. and that's what you're trying to reason out with him now.

it's not going well.

"toji please," you beg, trying to push yourself into his line of sight. "i promise they'll help you."

"no. no way," he hisses back, baring his teeth. "they'll just send me back to that hellhole."

"no they won't! they'd want to help you get better!" you're feeling more and more desperate as his stubbornness rises. you're not nearly smart enough to know how to treat even a quarter of his wounds. besides, toji had been on the streets for at least over a month—isn't it smart to want a doctor to check it out?

"maybe they'd wanna help," he grunts, crossing his arms. there's a hint of panic coursing through his veins, but he masks it well with rapidly rising irritation. "but they will send me back. don't you get it? i'm a wild animal. they aren't gonna send me out to go roam the streets. they'll send me back to the ring because they know i'll be kept under control there."

your shoulders slump, watching as he takes a seat on your couch—he keeps himself pressed to the very corner of it, and that just makes you feel more miserable. you take a seat on the other side, keeping your distance.

"okay, no big hospitals," you acquiesce. "but i definitely don't know how to fix those kinds of injuries."

toji half-heartedly shrugs, a wry smirk tugging at his scarred lips. "who cares? i'm tough, they'll heal."

you grimace. "definitely not. they'll probably get infected."

toji holds up his bandaged arm with a canine grin. "what d'ya mean? you did a pretty good job with this."

you pout at that, oddly embarrassed, but you remain steadfast in your argument. "all i did was disinfect it and wrap it up. but that doesn't mean that's all it needs. what if you need stitches or something?"

toji sighs heavily, fingers loosely curling around his wounded arm. he won't deny that you've been spectacularly caring for him over the past two days. and it's not like he really wants to upset you or anything.

but he has gone through too much to risk even a chance at being thrown back underground.

"i'll live," he sighs. he doesn't know much about being polite, but he does know that he doesn't enjoy the idea of being mean to you. for some reason he thinks that would just make him feel shitty. he's not sure why though—he's never been interested in what humans think anyway.

your eyes narrow, aggrieved. "if i find someplace that won't turn you in, then will you come?"

your relentless pursuit makes toji want to roll his eyes. he's not sure why you don't just take no for an answer. but he wants you to drop the conversation, so he just replies with a huffed, "sure."

there's no place you could take him that wasn't going to rat him out anyway. if you wanted to give him medical care, they would always ask for his details. and when they find out that he's not yours, and that he's come from off the streets, they will no doubt send out an alert.

and then it's only a matter of time before he's being thrown in the back of a van, drugs pumping through his veins.

he'd much rather stay in your cozy little space for as long as you'll let him, drunk off the comfort of good food and a roof over his head.

but toji did not realize that he had severely underestimated your sense of determination.

and that's how he finds himself sitting in an examination room, with you nervously tapping your foot against the floor. the muscles in his face hurt from how long he's been glaring at the wall, too angry to look at you. he knows you probably mean well, but he's almost sure that he'll never see you again after this appointment.

he's prepared to be dragged out of the building by a group of guards holding heavy tranquilizer guns—like so many of his kind before him.

"you're still mad." you say it like a statement, unamused, and toji huffs in return.

"you're underestimating how strong i am." he gives you a sidelong glance, and you bristle, crossing your arms and giving him a defiant stare.

"i think you're overestimating how strong you are." you shake your head, the defiance melting into earnest. "seriously though. i don't know much about treating wounds and i really don't want it to get worse."

he throws you an indifferent glance. "what's the point if they just send me back down there? at that point, little scrapes won't fucking matter."

you purse your lips. "i'm telling you, no one will snitch here."

"how are you so sure?" toji hisses back, ears pointing upward. you don't flinch, opening your mouth to answer.

"well—"

a knock interrupts you, and you both look to the door. toji's hackles rise almost immediatley, a low growl rumbling in his throat—something is off.

he can smell it.

the doctor walks in, blonde hair neatly pushed back and large frame covered in a white coat. his smile is friendly and mature, demeanor calm, and yet all toji can focus on is that this doctor is not human.

the short and rounded brown ears sitting atop his head is a clear indication.

toji almost hops off the bed. he has half a mind to take your arm and drag you out of there because why on earth is there a predator hybrid here at the doctor's office?

but before he can make a move, you're smiling wide at the blonde, voice coming out sweet and casual. "hi kento."

toji blanches, watching this "kento" guy exchange pleasantries with you like it's the most natural thing in the world.

do you just make it your business to go out and become friendly with dangerous predator hybrids? because toji cannot understand how a little human like you knows a fucking bear hybrid so well.

"is this him?" the doctor asks, finally looking at toji perched on the examination bed. you nod mutely, eyes raking over his figure.

the blonde steps forward, reassurance rolling off of him in waves because he can probably smell toji's apprehension. you do your best to bridge the gap.

"um toji, this is kento nanami." you motion to the blonde, who is watching toji like he's a specimen under a microscope—it makes toji's skin prickle. "kento, this is toji…um…"

he realizes that you're missing information and he spits out his last name quickly. "fushiguro."

"pleasure to meet you," nanami nods courteously. "though i wish it was under better circumstances."

"you're a hybrid." toji blurts it out before he can think twice. you throw him a semi-disapproving glance, but he doesn't pay it any mind, gaze too focused on the doctor's clearly animalistic traits. he recieves a placating smile in return.

"i am," kento nods, looking down at the chart in his hands. "and it seems like you are too. wolf right?"

"yeah," toji nods absentmindedly, trying to brush past all of this. he's more curious about the bear so casually standing in front of him. a hybrid even being allowed into a position as highly respected as a doctor is already an amazing feat—that hybrid being a predator hybrid was even more shocking.

"like i said on the phone, he's got some cuts and scrapes on his stomach and arm. i didn't know how serious they were…" your voice trails off, and the blonde nods indulgently.

"it's good you brought him in. they might be infected or need further care."

he turns to toji, whose ears remain alert and upright, and picks up his stethoscope. when he approaches, toji bares his teeth, snarling.

he can see you grimace from his peripheral. "toji—"

"it's okay," nanami holds up a palm, before pinning toji with an unwavering stare. "you're worried about confidentiality right?"

"there's no way a fucking doctor can get around this," toji spits in return. his palms are sweating. all he wants to do is drag you out of there and go hide in your home, because there is no other place that is safe. "i don't trust you."

"you don't have to trust me. but…" the doctor subtly nods his head in your direction. "do you trust her?"

toji's eyes flicker over to yours, watching the tense worry swirl within them, and he grumbles incoherently. his stomach flips in on itself. nanami takes his reluctance as a go ahead, pressing the metal of the diaphragm against toji's chest.

the wolf remains silent, though he is still irritated.

"relax," nanami sighs. "i won't tell anyone. trust me, i know how hard it is to make it out of there."

toji watches with rapt attention as kento lifts his stethoscope off, and his green eyes zero in on the branded numbers burned just under the doctor's jaw—0703.

toji's skin tingles, just where his own numbers are burned. 1231.

bile rises in his throat, but he pushes it down.

"you got out," toji mumbles, not able to keep the surprise out of his tone. nanami nods, a soft smile on his face as he writes down toji's heartrate on his chart.

"about seven years ago." he nudges his glasses further up his nose. "i made a run for it and then laid low for a few months. after some time, they called off the search."

"huh," toji grunts, disbelieving. he's not quite sure how this guy has managed it, but clearly he's done something right to be standing in front of him.

"of course, i was lucky," kento laments, motioning for toji to hold out his wounded arm—he does so wordlessly. "i was not an extremely popular or sought out fighter, so they didn't put that much effort into trying to find me."

toji believes that. bears tend to be on the gentler side of the predator groups, and while he's sure nanami could easily handle himself in a fight, it is always the more aggressive hybrids that are the most popular.

he would know after all.

"after that, it was just about finding another place to build up my life again." toji barely registers that the doctor has begun numbing his arm, too focused on his anecdote. from the corner of his eye, he can see that you're listening in with rapt attention. "i decided i'd make use of my freedom and pursue my dream career."

you and toji spend the next half an hour listening to nanami talk about his experiences. all the while, the doctor skillfully stitches toji's wounds up, never once faltering in his movements. he talks about the escape plan, the relentless pursuit of soldiers, of remaining in hiding until freedom was finally found. toji feels an odd sense of camaraderie, knowing that he has gone through quite a similar process in the last few months.

nanami explains that laying low was the hardest part, always on edge while stepping into the light because you can never be sure who's hiding in the shadows.

toji will never say this out loud, but thank god he found you.

"since then i've made it my job to help others like me," kento finally finishes securing the bandages around toji's abdomen, before looking up with a half smile.

the wolf mutely stares back. he recognizes that his body has relaxed in the doctor's presence, and his gaze flickers up to meet yours. there's a look of satisfaction sitting in your eyes, probably relieved to see that his wounds have actually been taken care of.

when you notice him looking, you give him a soft smile—he expertly looks away.

"trust me. i won't tell anyone about you." nanami stands up straight, fixing his glasses, before giving you a warm smile. "besides, she's an old friend."

the doctor nods at you, and toji suddenly feels a strange streak of irritability, especially because you beam in return—so grateful and sweet. a stone sits heavy in the wolf's stomach.

"i really appreciate this, kento." you look at the blonde earnestly. "it took a lot of convincing to get him to come get checked out."

"it's good you did." nanami pins toji with a knowing stare. "conditions are rough back there. usually hybrids have more injuries than they know."

"really?" you look between the two of them meekly, and toji has half a mind to tell nanami to stop talking—worry is not a good expression on you.

"they don't usually treat their hybrids when they get injured in fights. so yes, a lot of them tend to have past injuries that don't quite heal." you nervously assess toji's body with your eyes, and the wolf can hear the soft chuckle nanami lets out. "don't worry. he's fine."

your shoulders relax, and toji watches you with rapt attention.

a few minutes later, nanami leads you both to the receptionist, who toji notices, is a dark haired mouse hybrid—ijichi kiyotaka is printed across his nametag. the doctor quietly explains something, and the mouse nods, before typing away into the computer. toji realizes that they are probably falsifying records, and he relaxes immediately. while you settle things at the counter, nanami addresses toji one last time.

"you'll need to come back in a week so i can see the wounds again. until then, just take care of it like i explained and you should heal nicely."

toji nods, ears twitching awkwardly. "right…"

"if anything else happens, don't hesitate to come in." the doctor adjusts his glasses with a friendly smile. "you're always welcome. be careful out there."

toji swallows. he is already unused to such blatant kindness, but now you've managed to surround him with it. maybe your stupidly sweet personality attracts similarly sweet people.

in that sense, maybe he shouldn't be allowed to stay around you, too dark and gloomy for someone so bright.

nanami takes the wolf's silence with a soft laugh, before he raises his hand to wave at you. you grin back, before heading for the door—toji immediately follows you out. the two of you walk in relative silence, quiet but not uncomfortable.

his body feels good now, probably because of the numbing agent and secure bandages, but regardless, he feels good. he has not felt this comfortable in a long time, but it's not completely unwelcome. as weird as it sounds, he thinks that he wouldn't mind being the silently hulking animal wandering the city at your side.

there is one thing he's itching to ask though.

"how do you know him?" toji asks casually, still staring straight ahead. he can feel your gaze land on him, but he does not reciprocate it.

"kento?" he bristles at the name, but nods. "oh well. a few years ago my friend had to leave for a two week long business trip. she has a puppy hybrid at home, and of course her hybrid knows how to take care of herself, but my friend told me to go visit her and just check if she was okay every few days."

there's a strange look of sympathy on your face as you speak, and toji reels at how easy it is for him to pick up.

"when i went over one day, i found her just passed out on the ground. i had no clue what to do. hybrids might look like us humans but their health and anatomy is a little different, and i didn't know a single thing about puppy hybrids. so i went online and looked up specific doctors and hospitals that were good for hybrids because i was too nervous to just take her to a regular hospital. that's how i found kento."

your lips quirk upward, half rueful and half fond. "i figured a doctor who was an actual hybrid would treat her better than a human doctor would."

toji listens quietly. he does not know many humans who would put this much consideration into hybrids, mostly because hybrids are kept as pets, not considered as equals. he cannot understand why you thought so deeply about a hybrid that wasn't even yours.

"anyways since then i've bothered kento with a lot of things." you chuckle to yourself. "like last year there was a stray cat in my alleyway with a broken paw, and i brought him to kento even though i could've just taken him to a vet or a shelter."

"why's that?" toji awaits your asnwer, ears twitching at the sound of your amused voice.

"kento's always been really sweet and gentle to his patients. i guess i just trust him." you turn to peer up at toji with a smile. "that's why i knew he wouldn't even think about ratting you out."

toji grunts in return, not wanting to admit that you're probably right. any other hospital or doctor would have to report that there was a wolf hybrid out there that was unaccounted for. since you are not his owner, they'd immediately throw him back where he came from—after all, predators like him are too dangerous to be left alone.

"if anything, you can visit kento for whatever. he'd keep your secret."

"you willing to bet on it?" toji asks you gruffly, and you smirk at him with a strange spark of challenge in your eyes.

"bet my life."

he grins—another feral display of animalistic behavior.

"that's a lot to bet," he comments, flashing his canines at you, and you nod back, pleased.

"i'm pretty confident in myself."

"hm." toji lips remain in their comfortably amused position. he briefly recognizes that his feet are automatically taking him back to your place, and he internally questions just how many times he has found his way back to you before.

"we have another stop to make." toji glances at you as you speak, raising a heavy brow.

"where's that?"

"clothing shopping."

he blinks, frowning. "why the fuck would we do that?"

"well since you're staying for at least a couple weeks until your wounds heal, you probably need clothes," you say matter-of-factly. "the pair of clothes i gave you are the only things i have. you need more."

he briefly wants to ask whose clothes those are, but he shuts his mouth, knowing it's none of his damn business. he can still smell them, the smell of some other man—his lip curls distastefully.

"i don't gotta stay with you for that," he mutters, shoving his hands into his pockets. he can feel his claws scrape against the fabric. "i can just go back to your precious doctor myself when i need to."

"and who's gonna pay for the visit?" you ask dryly. toji bristles, heat prickling at the back of his neck. you sigh heavily.

"look, i'm telling you i don't mind." your voice is earnest, and he can feel your unrelenting stare on the side of his face. "i would feel really uneasy if you left and i didn't know what happened to you."

"why do you care so much anyway?" toji doesn't mean to sound so accusatory. he's now realized that you are just one of those stupidly rare good people, but even then he wonders why you don't just kick him to the curb and move on with your life.

but instead you frown at him, semi offended, and then roll your eyes.

"well…" you shrug nonchalantly. "we're friends. so i care."

friends.

toji almost scoffs in disbelief.

unsurprisingly, you are utterly ridiculous. he knows that you both have shared conversation for many weeks while he waited for food in your alleyway. and he realizes that he has stupidly memorized your schedule, so much so that he found himself waiting in the rain when you didn't get home on time. and sure, you had so tenderly and idiotically invited him into your space and treated his dirtied body with the utmost care.

but friends?

you really needed better survival instincts. and to stop being so trusting. it's stupid, and dangerous, and probably not good for you in the long run.

(but the word ignites a pleasant flame deep in toji's belly—unwavering and strong. he finds himself unable to extinguish it.)

an hour later, toji finds himself awkwardly rummaging through racks and shelves of clothing. the bright lights and intense air conditioning makes his hair stand on end, body feeling oddly exposed. but then his jade eyes scan the store and find your figure, curiously peering at items without a care in the world, and he relaxes a bit.

after a while of picking out a few dark and albeit plain pieces of clothing, he finds that shopping is somewhat enjoyable. the different textured fabrics are soft under his claws, and his ears twitch pleasantly at the sounds of music playing low through the speakers.

occasionally he'll look up from the shelves and see you in the distance—a few times you look back, and give him a sweet smile and a small wave that has his throat feeling strangely dry.

(it would be easy to devour something so openly waiting there.)

he immediately looks away.

toji briefly wonders what kind of clothes you tend to prefer, mind wandering. he bites back a huff of amusement when he thinks about the fluffy pajamas you were wearing when you came outside holding that stupid umbrella.

so damn silly.

"do they seriously just let animals roam around unsupervised?"

his moment of peace is shattered by a grating voice, shrill with age and obnoxiousness. toji turns to look over his shoulder, expression sour. though he towers over her, the old lady standing about five feet away from him looks anything but scared.

"you talkin' to me?" he raises a brow, hair standing on end.

"yes you," she sniffs in his direction, eyeing him from head to toe like he's nothing more than dirt on the bottom of her ugly boots. "animals aren't allowed indoors."

toji bristles, sharp eyes narrowing. despite being used to these comments, they still make his skin flare with heat. he briefly considers reacting how he normally does when he faces this kind of attitude—baring his teeth and spitting out growls and insults until the person is scared shitless.

but then he realizes that it's not like he can just snap at her and run away. his actions will so easily be traced back to you and your pristine smiles. he finds the idea of putting you in trouble to be nauseating.

so he bites his tongue, ears tense and flicking irritably—he's making decisions on your behalf now, too.

"i don't know how on earth they let you in here." she glares at him snootily, physically unable to shut up. "letting animals wander around without any—"

"actually he's mine."

toji turns to look at you as you take your place at his side, your voice clear and steady. warm fingers curl around his bicep comfortably, but there is ice in your expression that he has never seen before. you glare at the lady, who suddenly looks bashful.

"oh? that's so impressive. you managed to tame a beast this dangerous?"

he suppresses an eye roll, ready to walk you away from the ordeal, but your expression gets colder, anger radiating off of you in waves—toji does not know why it makes him so pleased.

"actually i didn't tame him at all," you hiss back, spitting the word like it's venom. "and if you make him mad i won't stop him from attacking you."

her face pales, but indignation comes off stronger. "excuse me? you don't know how to control your own pet?!"

"he's not my pet. he's his own person," you snap irritably, gaze cold—though toji can feel your heated aggression rising. "didn't you ever learn basic respect? for all your preaching, even hybrids know that better than you do."

she gapes at you, appalled, but before she can get another word in, you're tightening your grip on toji's arm and turning him away. "fuck off, bitch."

toji's ears twitch at the sounds of her angry sputtering in the distance, but his gaze remains zeroed in on you. your brows are pinched deep, and there's a frustrated scowl sitting on your lips as you drag him over to another section. "here, let's look at some of these clothes."

toji recognizes you are trying to change the subject, but he does not deny how your anger on his behalf feels so intoxicatingly addicting. he cannot help but push further.

"thought i would attack her, did ya?" he grins cheekily, canines glinting, and you huff. suddenly, you look rather embarrassed, peering up at him bitterly.

"i was just trying to get her to shut up. if you attacked anyone we'd be in big trouble."

"didn't realize you had that in you," toji ponders. for some reason, he cannot stop analyzing your microexpressions, finding some sick joy in looking at you. "not bad for a cushy little human."

you roll your eyes—toji's stomach flips in tandem. he can feel his tail lazily moving back and forth.

"wow, a compliment from the big bad wolf," you throw him a scathing smile, but he can tell you're joking. "what an honor."

"pretty sure you're scarier than i am." toji watches you rustle through the clothes on the shelves, a wry smile now comfortably resting on his face. "think you took a few years off her life."

"i hope she trips," you mutter, and toji barks out a laugh, clear and unfiltered. your lips twitch upward at the sound.

"hurry up and pick stuff so we can home," you whine with another huff, shoving at his arm. "i'm starving here."

the word home rolls over toji's body—it's warm and velvety and comfortable in a way that scares him.

he spends the next fifteen minutes rustling through the racks. you amble away to peer at other items while he does so, trying to give him his privacy. toji both appreciates it and resents it—something about you being farther away from him makes his body tense.

after a while he calls you back, shoving a modest pile of clothing into your hands. "here, i'm done."

he's hoping you just nod and take him to the counter, but yet again, he's underestimated you. you look through each item, peering at the price tags critically, before finally sighing.

"are you trying to pick cheap stuff on purpose?" you look at him with a raised brow and he groans—caught.

"i don't wanna put you out."

"ugh toji," you say his name with so much stressed exasperation he has to fight back a grin. "don't worry about that. i barely spend money to begin with. i promise you i can afford decent clothes."

he glances to the side, stubborn. he still does not particularly enjoy the idea of being indebted to you—not that he would ever say that out loud.

"if you don't pick honestly, i'm gonna find that lady and get her to annoy you again."

he blinks, looking at you and your haughtily raised brows and crossed arms.

"oh fuck please don't," toji groans, rolling his eyes. "she was—"

"a bitch?" you finish, shaking your head with a smile. "yeah she was. so please pick things out properly and don't make me go find her."

"fine," he relents, reaching out to pick up the first semi-expensive looking thing he can find. he holds it up to his body and throws you a mocking grin. "happy now?"

and yet when he looks at you, you're giving him the most genuine smile, satisfaction glimmering in your eyes. "yeah, really happy."

his mouth goes dry, and toji spends the remainder of the trip saying yes to everything you pull off the shelves for him.

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[scribbling-dragon]

don't turn out the lights (kiss yourself goodnight)

summary:

“Hi,” Martyn continues to grin, even as it turns awkward and even guiltier. “I'm coming over. Can I come over?” Martyn pauses on the bridge then, as though just realising his presence might be unwanted after ditching him all morning. “I don't know if I should let you,” he says. It’s not an answer either way.

(ao3 link)

(7,119 words)

[hi! talking in bold so this catches your eyes ooOOooo anyway! this is the FINAL PART of this series! it's done! this is the end! meaning, everyone dies in this fic. there's your warning! there's gonna be death, injury, blood, etc. all the fun stuff! so just keep that in mind when you read it. also! it'd be really nice if you could reblog this because it took me a long time and i put a buncha effort into it! comments in the tags are even cuter- they let me know you liked it! i write for fun but i post because i want other people to also enjoy what i make, letting me know that you did quite literally makes my day.

anyway! hope u enjoy! <33]

The Isles is almost eerily quiet.

It is expected. The losses they had experienced only a day prior are enough to stun even the loudest of people into silence. It seems their world is only mirroring their mourning, not even birds singing to greet the dawn. Instead, it leaves everyone to prepare for their day, silence permeating the air around them. Even the sun appears muted, watery, as it tiredly heaves itself over the edge of the water, already beginning to chase away the deep purples of night.

He doubts any of them will be around to see another miserable sunrise such as this one.

Scott runs a cloth over the dull edge of his sword, wiping the dried blood away as best as he can manage with only a scrap of damp fabric. It’s already stained red, beyond any kind of repair. The dried blood remains stubborn, clinging to his blade as the last few echoes of others’ lives.

It flakes away as he scrapes against it with a single, sharp nail. The dried blood of friend and foe alike clumps together as it gathers beneath his nail, forcing him to stop his task and pick it out once he can no longer stand the feeling of it. He flicks it to the ground beneath him, hoping the flecks of red will become lost amongst the yellowing grass he sits upon. He still finds his eyes picking it out, like berries nestled amongst the dry stalks of grass that are determined to catch his eyes whenever he glances over.

He pauses at the sound of creaking floorboards above him, a few grains of sand pattering down onto his head. He cocks his head to the side and listens a little more intently as more creaking follows. Martyn had still been sleeping when he got up, curled comfortably in their shared bed. Scott had been tempted to stay and enjoy the peace a little longer, but his own mind was restless.

He hadn’t wanted to disturb the last few peaceful moments Martyn would probably get before this is all over, rising and attending to small tasks that didn’t really need to be done; tasks that were there to busy the hands rather than be productive. He doesn’t have that sort of time to waste, still target number one, certainly, his clock ticking down from higher numbers than everyone else, but his time is as limited as the rest of them.

His sword had been cleaned and sharpened. The blade, previously coated in dried blood so thick you could barely see its shimmer now gleams in the rapidly strengthening sunlight.

The purple hue of the skyline has been almost completely wiped away, leaving a pink sky in its wake. The light of it dyes the ocean a deep red, churning against the edges of their island as though it can hardly wait to devour it all once they're gone.

He continues to listen as footsteps echo overhead, uninterested in continuing to prepare for murdering his friends, waiting for Martyn to poke his head through the doorway and begin chattering away. He’s always more talkative in the morning, as though he has to make up for not speaking all night.

He looks over at the sound of a quiet splash, sitting up and sword forgotten as he stands a moment later. He pokes his head out of their storage room, watching as Martyn swims away from their island and towards the mainland. He dips beneath the waves a few times, swimming quickly.

Scott lingers in the doorway, watching as Martyn emerges onto the sandy shoreline, not even bothering to rid himself of the water he’d collected on his trip over as he usually would. Instead, he looks around, searching for…something. Scott isn’t certain what it is that he’s searching for – they hadn’t even had a conversation yet that morning to go over what should be done, who to avoid, who to target – and apparently not find it as he trudges into the treeline, quickly disappearing into the murky darkness that seems to cling to any dark oak forest, still soaking wet from his short swim.

Scott withdraws into their storage room, confused and more than a little hurt. His mind races a mile a minute, barely giving him a moment to process anything before he’s thinking of another potential explanation. Did they have a conversation last night that indicated Martyn was going to do something like this? Did Martyn assume he had already left and gone searching for him?

Only, Martyn had swum over there like a man possessed, like he would die if he didn’t reach the shoreline as quickly as he did. And yet – and yet – the moment he reached his destination he had looked around, as though uncertain of where to go.

Scott likes to think that he can read Martyn quite well, after the multiple times they’ve gone through these games together, and also the time they’ve spent together on this very island. He likes to think he can read Martyn well. And the way Martyn had looked around, on that shoreline, had not been with the intent of finding something lost, it had been done with the confusion of someone that had walked into a room and forgotten what they were going to do.

But, there’s no point in catching up with him yet. No reason to dive after him and catch up; see if he can shake any answers loose from the man. Not when he still has arrows to make and a bow to restring.

They can talk later. It’s fine. It’ll be fine.

=== === ===

“Now, I'm not a professional,” he tells Cleo, hopping down a few more blocks and squeezing into the gap he’d left for himself. There’s no redstone involved in this, only the tiny guide in the back of his head that’s jumping between steps as he attempts to remember how to do this, struggling to reconcile the new information he had with the idea that he’d already gotten it right.

He’d done it wrong last time, his hands still stinging from the hot blast that had gotten him before he managed to shove his shield in front of himself, letting that take the brunt of the explosion rather than absorbing it with his face.

“Never said you were,” he feels a shadow fall over him as Cleo leans down to peer at what he’s doing. “Reckon you're gonna blow the both of us up again?”

“I wouldn’t stand so close,” he chuckles, feeling rather than seeing as Cleo steps back. He slowly, carefully, places another bundle of TNT into the minecart, feeling the thing rattle with the weight of how much TNT he’s shoved into it. The sculk clings to his hands as he sets it down onto the block, gripping onto him as he attempts to pull away, unwilling to release him.

He continues pulling his hands back until the sculk accepts its loss, releasing his fingers and withdrawing back to the dirt block he’d provided for it. He watches as it curls itself into the dirt block, then simply engulfs it. He has no better words to describe the way it simply spreads over the block, too fast for him to even track with his eyes, until the entire patch is made of sculk.

He withdraws even more carefully, slowly easing himself out of the hole. He’s aware of the way the dirt clings around his shoulders. One wrong move could set off the trap he’s just spent the better part of ten minutes setting up, and he’d probably be blown to bits alongside it.

Cleo waits until he’s completely free of the hole before continuing to speak. “Where’s your other half today? Didn’t think you came as a single package anymore.”

“Very funny,” he forces a laugh as he turns to glare at them. “I don't know,” he answers. Not at all bitterly. “He ran off this morning before I could even get a chance to speak with him, went off to do…something.”

He sees Cleo frown, eyebrows creasing together. “And you haven’t tried to find him?”

“He needs something, then he’ll find me.” He dismisses Cleo’s worries easily – he’s been dismissing his own all morning, ignoring them in order to actually get anything done. Dismissing Cleo’s probing questions and slightly worried glances is far easier. “He’s been acting all funny recently anyway. If he’s gone off to sort himself out, then that’s fine.”

“Wait, Scott,” Cleo moves around him, pressing their hands down onto the small tunnel entrance and blocking him from poking around in there a little more. He leans back on his heels, knees digging into the ground as he glares up at her. “That’s not at all like Martyn. He sticks around other people as best as he can, even if it means bouncing between several groups. You're telling me he’s disappeared and you're not even worried?”

“Of course I'm worried, Cleo.” He huffs out a breath, resisting for only a moment before he raises his hands to his face, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. It relieves a little of his stress, and also means he doesn’t have to look them in the eye anymore. “But there’s nothing I can do about it, so I just have to wait and sit tight and hope he shows up.”

“You said he was acting weird,” Cleo asks, after the silence has hung between them for a moment. “Weird…how?”

“I don't know,” he sighs, dropping his hands. Cleo stares at him. “Ugh, I guess, like, spacing out? He was acting really weird after, uh, yesterday and the whole,” he waves a hand, “canary business. But I thought that was just the shock of all that, and then all the stuff after that. I didn’t even speak to him this morning, but there was this weird air around him. It was really fucking strange, Cleo, and I don't even know what it means!”

“Yeah, alright, alright,” Cleo hesitates for a moment, before patting him on the shoulder. “I think that’s just how he gets at this point. I think he was like this last time? I’d have to repeat myself several times for literally anything to get through to him.”

“I keep forgetting you were partnered with him last time,” he huffs out a laugh. “So he just gets like this every time? Why doesn’t anyone say anything?” He pauses. “Have you said anything?”

“To Martyn? No.” Cleo glances over at a shout from the Clock Tower, then back at him. “To anyone else? …Also no. I didn’t think it was my place to pry or ask around, and I guess that’s the common sentiment. Maybe he’s done it every single time. Maybe he only started doing it last time. Who knows? Maybe he's just gone insane.”

“Pretty sure that’s Joel you're thinking of,” he jokes, and then regrets when it opens up a pit in his stomach.

“Maybe go find him,” Cleo says. They both ignore the slightly heavier air around both of them, the mention of Joel souring their moods rather quickly.

“Yeah,” he brushes the dirt from his hands. “Yeah, I will.” He stands, eyeing the inconspicuous path ahead of them. “Thanks, Cleo.”

“No problem. Hope you find him.”

So do I, Scott doesn’t say. Hope you're still kicking around when I’ve found him, he keeps to himself too. He knows the Clockers aren’t doing well for time, all of their clocks far lower than his own, even after donating some of his time to Scar earlier.

He can feel Cleo watching him. Maybe they're giving him some of their own well wishes.

=== === ===

Going onto Skynet is never his favourite thing. But he’s been poking around on the ground for long enough that he’s rather certain Martyn isn’t hanging around there. Unless he’s dug himself into a hole underground as it currently hiding there until his clock runs out, he’s not on ground-level.

Meaning, into the skies he goes. The ladder is wonky and the rungs are thin enough that they threaten to snap under every step he takes upwards.

He can feel his hands growing sweaty the higher he ascends, nervousness making him glance down and come to terms with just how high he was in the air. With nothing to support him but a quickly and shoddily built ladder to nowhere.

He hauls himself up onto the main chunk of Skynet, grateful for the ground beneath his feet; solid despite being a thousand feet in the air. A drop from here would definitely kill him. A real risk, he realises, when an arrow thunks into the ground at his feet.

He glances over in the direction where it came from, dropping into a crouch. He’s not certain whether that shot was a mistake or a warning. It could have been fully intended to send him stumbling backwards and over the edge. But another arrow doesn’t follow, leaving him staring across the gap between their bridges, the group of three staring back at him.

…Three?

He can just barely see Etho crouched behind the makeshift wall he’s thrown up, the very tips of fuzzy white ears peeking over the edge of the dirt barricade, and Tango beside him is distinctive with his hair aflame. Meaning, no, his eyes are not deceiving him; Martyn really is crouched over with the other two, watching as they shoot at him.

He straightens up, almost planting his hands on his hips and yelling across the gap then and there. For Martyn to just ditch him earlier, and then for Scott to find him with people that have been relentlessly hunting him? Unacceptable. He only holds his tongue because shouting across such a wide gap is embarrassing, and not at all conducive to a proper conversation.

He stares across the gap a little longer, before holding a hand up in the universal gesture for wait.

He then takes a very brave step away from the main landing pad at the top of the ladder, the bridge narrowing even further and leaving him running quickly across the thin branches of Skynet. He keeps his shield held loosely at his side, and can only pray that Etho and Tango – or, gods forbid, Martyn – decide to get in an easy kill and shoot him.

He gets onto the same bridge as them before they start shooting at him, close enough for Scott to start talking to Martyn, even if it means he has to yell to be heard.

“Etho!” He jerks to the side as an arrow skims past his face, close enough that he can hear it whistle as it passes him. “No need!”

He hears Etho chuckling easily enough, even hunkered down behind his own makeshift shelter, only daring to peek over the edge once a moment has passed and his heart no longer threatens to leap from his chest. Martyn, Etho and Tango all peek back at him, lined up near perfectly. Scott might be tempted to take a photo if he wasn’t so irritated.

Another arrow shoots past his face and he scowls, pulling his own bow out and firing right back at them. He sees Tango jump in place and duck down as the arrow goes right over his head, far too high to actually hit anyone.

Several arrows embed themselves in the front of his small defence within a few minutes, making it easy to reach over and collect them up, adding them to his own quiver. “I've got arrows for days!” he calls over to them, grinning and urging them to continue shooting at him.

He notches another arrow, back pressed against his barricade before popping back up again, aiming and ready to fire.

Martyn visibly startles when he reappears, halfway across the bridge connecting them. He almost falls, Scott thinks, teetering dangerously on the edge as he readjusts his balance, shield held cautiously but not protectively in front of himself.

“Martyn,” he warns, not releasing his arrow but not dropping the bow either. He keeps it carefully trained on Martyn’s face, even as Etho and Tango continue to watch the two of them curiously. Martyn glances upwards from where he’d been watching his feet, smiling guiltily. Good.

“Hi,” Martyn continues to grin, even as it turns awkward and even guiltier. “I'm coming over. Can I come over?” Martyn pauses on the bridge then, as though just realising his presence might be unwanted after ditching him all morning.

“I don't know if I should let you,” he says. It’s not an answer either way. Something that Martyn seems to realise too, as he doesn’t keep moving forward, remaining rooted in place on the stupidly thin bridges that TIES built on a whim and everyone else decided to use. “Why are you with them?” He jerks his bow towards Etho and Tango, taking it off Martyn for a single second.

A single second which is, apparently, long enough for Martyn to run across the rest of the space and drop down beside him, both of them huddled far too close behind this too-small barricade. His knee knocks against Martyn’s, their legs pressing together when he lets them. He’s twisted awkwardly to continue aiming the bow at Etho and Tango, reluctant to take his eye off of them even if Martyn demands his attention with pleading eyes.

“Because I've not seen you yet today,” Martyn’s hand is warm on his arm. Near burning at the point of contact as he pulls at him, urging him to lower his bow. He holds the string of his bow tense for only a moment longer before heaving a great sigh and loosening it gradually, allowing the arrow to fall free from where it had been notched and into his open palm. Martyn continues, seeing him giving in, “I woke up and there was no-one here. There, wherever,” Martyn shrugs. “And then I just…” he trails off, eyes sliding to the side.

The hand on his arm slackens a little, turning from a comforting grip to a weight on his arm. The point of contact no longer burns, his skin warming up and adjusting to the sudden heat of another person.

“And then you just…?” Scott prompts, frowning when Martyn doesn’t give him a response. He’s still watching something off to the side, but when Scott turns to look where he is, there’s nothing there. No person trying to kill them or mysterious floating entity that would cause the kind of look Martyn currently has in his eyes.

“Hey,” he waves a hand in front of Martyn’s face, frowning when that continues to get no response from him. He rests his hand on Martyn’s cheek, growing even more concerned when that fails to get a reaction from him, sliding his thumb along Martyn’s cheekbone. His hand slips lower to cradle Martyn’s face, bringing his other hand to pat him on the cheek, like trying to wake someone up.

Martyn blinks, eyes refocusing, and then jolts. Scott holds onto him, keeping him in place as he regains his bearings from…whatever the hell just happened.

“When’d you get so close?” Martyn asks, clearly going for joking and missing it by miles. He lands somewhere around confused and worried instead, which only concerns Scott more.

Scott pauses for a moment, considering his next step. “Aw,” he tilts his head to the side, thumb still brushing against Martyn’s cheek affectionately. “Don't tell me you got so caught up in seeing me that you forgot to pay attention?”

Martyn laughs, leaning in a little closer, close enough that their noses are just shy of touching. His eyes are completely focused now, not drifting over Scott’s shoulder to look at something only Martyn can see. It eases something in his chest, something he hadn’t realised was so tight until it loosened all of a sudden.

“Well, it really is quite easy to get lost in your eyes. The depths of them are like an unexplored ocean-”

He shoves Martyn away from him with a laugh. “Don't you start with that,” he warns, mock angry as he wags his finger at Martyn. “That’s a terrible pick-up line, and one that doesn’t even work right now! My eyes are as red as they can be, so don't be silly.”

“Then your eyes are like the ocean in the morning,” Martyn counters. “Did you not see how red it was this morning? Like the sunrise itself had spilled into the waters.”

“How romantic of you.” He doesn’t mention how this morning was the only time the waters were dyed such a colour by the rising sun. Martyn wouldn’t know that, as a late riser, but Scott has watched those waters shimmer beneath the sunrise every morning since they were dumped here.

“Get a room!” Etho very bravely yells over at them, still hiding behind his barricade. “We wanna get past you!”

“Run on past then!” Scott yells back. “What’s there to be scared of!”

“What we might see!” Tango contribute, popping up beside his teammate. “I don't know what you two’re doing behind that!”

Scott scoffs in disgust at the idea. Not only is the entire place made of dirt, but they're also miles in the sky. Not exactly something he’d jump at the idea of.

“Go the other way then!” he yells, getting to his feet. He pulls his shield up just in case, but no arrows come his way. He offers Martyn his hand as he watches half of TIES (two-thirds, his brain supplies helpfully. Two-thirds.) deliberate over their next course of action.

“Cowards!” Martyn yells as Etho begins retreating.

Scott laughs at the offended noise Tango makes, loud enough for them both to hear it. Laughing is easier than thinking about what just happened. Easier than turning Cleo’s words over and over in his mind.

Easier to take Martyn’s hand and lead him away as though none of that happened at all.

=== === ===

He can see Etho watching him as he climbs, ears twisted backwards and crossbow held at the ready. He’s just as pleased to be up here as Etho is. All roads lead to Skynet, apparently, meaning he’s back on the hellish thing, praying that nothing breaks.

“We’re just here to talk,” he assures, crouching on the lip of cobblestone just above the ladder, reaching a hand down slowly for Martyn to take. He feels it slot into his hand easily, burning hot against freezing cold.

“Promise?” Etho keeps his crossbow held tightly in his hands. Not that Scott blames them. This is the time for temporary alliances, certainly, but he doubts anyone is above faking a temporary alliance to get closer to someone just to kill them.

“Promise.”

Martyn settles onto the ledge beside him, though Martyn sits down, legs swinging off the edge as he watches Martyn. Scott remains crouched, one hand flat against the cobbles, hunched over like some kind of gargoyle.

He probably looks like one, too. Fish-like spines and fins make it rather hard to hide the changes he’s undergone since going red. The scales layering over his skin and remaining thick until his elbows make it even more so. He can only be glad that he still has his legs, or that It didn’t decide to give him some kind of tail to weigh him down further.

“Okay,” Etho takes a step closer, and, in an incredible show of good faith, tucks his crossbow away so none of them have any weapons. “Let’s talk, then.”

Scott grins, more than a little satisfied with himself. It’s always risky reaching out for another alliance this late in the game, but taking the risk is better than leaving the ending unknown. This is a way for them to have a better shot at winning.

“The biggest hour- time, thingy, is the Nosy Neighbours,” he starts. “Pearl and Grian have the most time right now.”

“And they're a pretty strong team,” Etho glances over in the direction of the Neighbours’ tower, expression considering. “There’s three of them in it.”

Martyn hums something that vaguely sounds like agreement, but when Scott looks over at him, he’s staring off into space again, not at all registering the space around them. Scott shuffles a little closer to him, pressing his hip into his side in the hopes that the contact can bring him back from wherever his mind has wandered off to. Contact has helped, in the previous moments where he’s been like this.

“And we’re two sets of two,” Scott says. He feels momentarily guilty for pointing it out when Etho looks saddened by the reminder that Tango is gone now, too.

“Well,” Etho rocks back on his heels. “I can’t find Impulse at the moment- not a clue where he’s wandered off to.”

Maybe Etho’s words summon him, because Scott watches a blur plummet down onto the Mansion, disappearing under the water for a moment before resurfacing. Even from their distance, he’s able to make out the distinctive yellow ‘i’ on his shirt.

“Grian fell from Skynet,” Martyn says, blinking back to reality.

“Uh, no,” he gives Martyn a confused look from the corner of his eye. “That’s Impulse.”

“I- what?” Martyn glances over at the Mansion, “Oh! Yeah, yeah, that’s Impulse. Yeah.”

Etho gives them a funny look, eyes squinting as he studies Martyn.

“We can summon him over here,” Scott says, distracting Etho before he can ask too many questions. He’d been hanging out with Martyn earlier, could have seen his spacy-ness. Could identify it as something to be used later. Something that Scott would prefer him not to do. “Tell him we have Etho.”

“Like some kind of hostage situation?”

“Ooh, yeah,” Martyn nods along with Etho’s suggestion. “Let’s take him hostage.”

“Or we can just go down and meet him?” Etho suggests. He doesn’t look excited at the hostage idea, go figure. “I don't want to make him climb all the way back up for nothing.

“I don't really want to climb all the way back down there,” he complains, but its for nought as Etho clambers up to where they're sitting, leading the (very slow) charge down to the base of the ladder. His arms feel shaky by the time he reaches the bottom, from both exertion and exhaustion. He feels like he hasn’t slept properly in weeks.

Scott taps out the message on his comm, feet firmly planted into the nice sandy ground below him. It’s a comfort, to be back on truly solid ground again, even with the TIES’ wonky tower casting a slightly uneven shadow over them all.

<Smajor1995> come to us

He follows behind Martyn and Etho absently as he continues to type, hopping over the small blast craters easily and circling around the larger ones just as easily. He has to pause for a moment to bat away a zombie, sword slashing straight through its chest and sending it dissolving into a pile of dust.

<Smajor1995> we have etho

He knows its an ominous message to leave it on, especially when the two of them have been separated for who knows how long. Etho chuckles a little at it, but doesn’t send a message to reassure his teammate. A sense of urgency makes for swift feet, and they want to deal with the Neighbours as quickly as possible, he supposes. Better to do it now than when their timers are about to run out.

“What do you mean you have Etho?!” Scott spins on the spot to greet Impulse.

“As a friend!” he calls back. “We have Etho as a friend!” A skeleton shoots him as he speaks, managing to actually hit him when he’s sluggish on putting his shield up. It’s enough to make him realise how surrounded by mobs they’ve gotten, closed in on all sides, each of them beating back at least two mobs at a time.

“Let’s go!” he calls out, looking around for a place for them to actually go. He only manages to spot the little cave entrance by chance, remembering the little nook beyond that they can hunker down in for the night. Martyn catches up with him quickly when he realises where Scott’s heading. “Told you framing it like we had Etho as a hostage would work.”

“Yeah, wasn’t you he tried to run through with his sword.” Martyn mutters.

“He didn’t try to run you through with his sword,” he rebukes softly, speaking quieter as they enter the cave, aware that their voices will echo over to the following pair.

“He was thinking it,” Martyn says darkly. “I could sense it; hear it in the air.”

Scott doesn’t even get to ask what the hell that means, because Impulse is suddenly slamming the door shut and saying something about “not letting the zombies in too!”

The plan is laughably easy to make, once they get over their bickering and the small taunts they throw at each other. It’s hard not to point out Impulse’s attempts to blow him up earlier, something that Impulse receives with good grace and lets go as water under the bridge.

It’s only worrying how often Martyn spaces out, only ever chiming back in with something that nearly has Scott questioning how he knows Grian is currently away from the base, or that Pearl is up on Skynet, nevermind that all of them are underground and have been for the better part of twenty minutes, formulating the plan they're going to use to try and eliminate their biggest threat. How Martyn knows this is a mystery, but not anything that anyone is questioning, for some reason?

It doesn’t stop Scott from inching a little closer, until they're close enough to touch. So Scott can make sure he’s still real, still there. Not yet gone and seeing things that only the dead are meant to see.

It’s unnerving, how Martyn’s eyes go far away when he thinks about something, considers a question that he realistically shouldn’t have the answer to.

It’s terrifying when he tilts his head to the side, as though angling himself to listen to something more intently.

=== === ===

Oh this is new, he thinks, when he enters the tower that he knows BigB is in, and there’s no-one there. He holds his sword steady, laughing a little as he looks around.

He’s not invisible, no small swirls of smoke giving away his position as he moves. There’s absolutely no indication of where BigB is, other than the faint impression that there’s a person right in front of him.

“Oh, you're invisible,” he says aloud, mostly to himself.

“Am I?” BigB’s voice comes from a little to the left, and he swings for it, sword sweeping in a wide arc as he hopes it catches on flesh. It jerks to a stop as it embeds itself in…some part of BigB. He stares hard at that spot in front of him, but his eyes refuse to focus, sliding away whenever he tries to look for longer than a second.

“You are,” he confirms, ignoring BigB’s small grunt of pain as he yanks his sword back towards himself, holding it up defensively. This entire fight just got a lot harder if BigB isn’t the one doing this. It can only be one other doing this, sabotage against him. Something to make him fall a little easier. He loses track of where BigB is, the empty tower around them making his footsteps echo and hard to track. “I'm sure this fight will be easy enough, though.”

“No it won’t!”

Gotcha.

He swings around, spinning on the heel of his foot to make it quicker, flipping his sword at the last moment and slamming the blunt edge of his blade into BigB’s side, winding him rather than slicing him in half.

He swings his sword up to block at the shing of a blade being unsheathed, feeling the invisible weapon press down against his hands, heavy and forcing him to bend beneath it. He bends his knees, sinking a little lower. BigB laughs, excited at this upper hand he’s gained.

Scott holds it a little longer, ignoring the way his arms begin to shake from the strain. Only when he’s certain BigB is pressing most of his weight down against him does he slip away, dropping his sword and darting out of range as fast as he can.

‘As fast as he can’ is apparently not fast enough, feeling the cool metal of a blade dig into his back before he manages to slip completely away, hissing through clenched teeth at the burning sensation that quickly spreads over his back.

“Hah!” BigB cheers at this small victory, even as Scott turns back to face him. The wavering outline of something vaguely resembling a person is all he has to go off of. It’s like the wavering air above stone on a hot day. “Still confident?”

“Of course,” he scoffs. He ignores the way he has to readjust his grip on his sword, hand sweaty as he backs up another step. Whatever invisibility gift this is, it’s not fair. He has a rather good idea of who is doing this, and he cusses them out silently in his mind. Maybe They’ll be able to hear his swearing. “You think I’ll go down that easily?”

He can feel the blood soaking through his shirt rather quickly. For a surface wound, it’s bleeding a lot, and really quite painful.

He still swings when BigB comes at him again, the sound of feet on the cobbles his only indicator. Swinging in such a wide arc wrenches something in his shoulder, and he swears he can feel the flesh tearing further, strained apart like the threads of a garment, stretched beyond breaking point.

In the end, BigB catches him unawares. A rather easy feat, considering he can’t see the other man.

He gasps at the feeling of a blade piercing his flesh, stumbles back – tries to stumble backwards, finds himself stuck on whatever weapon he’s just been impaled with. The weapon he can’t see, but his mind still registers the pain pain pain of a slow death. Still registers the blood blossoming around the puncture.

He can see his insides, vaguely and through a distorted lens. It warps, as though he should be seeing something other than the tearing of his blood vessels and his parted flesh. He can see organs you're not meant to see, curled around himself in the way that he is, can see the puncturing of these probably vital organs which is not a good sign for his continued survival. His flesh is darker than he thought it would be, and bleeds for far longer than he expects.

He lasts far longer than he expected, shallow breaths wheezing out of him as he crumples to the ground.

“Woah, hey,” hands he can’t see lay over his arms, the faint feeling of pressure against his skin the only thing his mind registers. He can see his skin indent where hands press against his forearms, idents that can only be created by hands holding onto him. Hands that he cannot, for some reason, see. “It’ll be over in a sec, I’m sure.”

Scott tilts his head back and allows himself a small groan. He’s bleeding out slowly and sluggishly, he thinks he can afford a singular moment of pain amongst this shitshow.

He almost reaches the point of asking BigB to just slit his throat when the room spins dizzying circles around him, and words are coming from an unseen mouth, unseen hands brushing up and down his arms in what is probably meant to be a reassuring gesture, but is actually just unnerving.

He chokes on the blood in his mouth, and wakes with it still coating his teeth.

=== === ===

“Do you want to get BigB again?” Martyn asks, turning to him with a gleam in his eyes.

Scott hasn’t decided whether he likes this new Martyn yet or not. The Martyn of earlier, with his listless expression and drifting thoughts was not fun to deal with nor exciting to observe, but the Martyn of the here and now, the Martyn with an anticipatory gleam in his eye and a pep in his step at the thought of killing someone else is also not reassuring.

“Not really,” he replies, as casually as he can. “I got my time back from him.”

“And you don't want more?”

“Uh, not really, no.” He and Martyn are alone right now, Impulse and Etho splitting off from their little group momentarily. He doubts they’ll join back together again, everyone’s clocks hanging far too low to trust someone you only made a temporary alliance with.

(For just a moment, Scott wishes they’d come back. Come and act as a buffer between him and the ally that he no longer recognises. The gleam in his eye is dangerous, it warns. A herald of what is to come. He considers, briefly, slipping away into the night and disappearing until his clock runs out of time. Until that last grain of sand in his hourglass slips through and buries him completely. He’s not sure he wants to see what will happen if it’s just him and Martyn. When it’s just him and Martyn.)

“Alright,” Martyn drags the word out, as though he doesn’t believe him. Maybe he doesn’t, with the red-blindness that seems to descend onto everyone at this point, looming over their shoulders like a particularly grim reminder. He can almost hear the clocks ticking down, beat by beat, moment by moment. “If you say so.”

“I do,” he says. “I do say so.”

Martyn considers him for another moment longer. Watches him with those red eyes that seem to hold nothing but calculations behind them. A measure of how long it would take to overpower someone, how long it would take to bleed them dry of their blood and their time. How many arrows to divert someone from their chosen path. How many swings of the sword before their time can be claimed, like the spoils after a hunt.

Scott hates it. Hates this. Hates what his friends become. Hates what it is – who it is – that makes them do it.

Martyn shrugs and turns away. His walk is casual, deceptively so. He moves quickly, off to kill whoever it is that he’s set his mind on. Possibly the Nosy Neighbours, eyes set on them as a target, like a dog with a bone, relentlessly gnawing on it as though that will force it to produce something more.

Ah, yes. That’s what it is.

Martyn watches him as though his heart no longer beats, as though he is nothing more than a chunk of flesh to be devoured for the benefit, what he might gain from it.

Scott walks in the opposite direction to Martyn and hopes, rather selfishly, that they don’t have to cross paths again.

=== === ===

All paths lead back to the clock. All lead back to the timer ticking down, hanging heavy over their heads and around their necks; a slowly tightening noose.

Perhaps it is fitting, then, with his clock at a negligible amount that they arrive at the Clock Tower. Built at the centre of their little world. Everything revolves around the clock, and the Clockers have made sure they cannot forget that.

The face of it peers down at them, despite Scott not being able to see it from where he stands now. He can feel it. Can feel the ticking of the hands, the shifting and grinding of the gears that allow it to turn. Will allow it to turn long after each of them is dead.

Martyn and Impulse watch each other warily, watch him warily. He watches them back, far less wary than either of them.

He can see how this plays out, can see the end already in the tight grip of a hand upon a sword. Can see the way such a hand refuses to release the last weapon he holds, refuses to give up his one advantage here. Can see how the hand hesitates when moving to unstrap his armour, to unbuckle the plates and let them fall loosely to the ground.

Scott undoes the strap in one unceremonious movement, only grimacing slightly at the clatter as it hits the ground, rolling uselessly around his feet.

Martyn watches him, suspicion misting his eyes. His hand continues to falter, resting over his heart and over his chestplate. One that has still to be removed. Impulse’s armour lays on the ground, too, scattered around in pieces as though he’d simply tossed it aside carelessly in his eagerness to get it off.

Scott tilts his head to the side, almost imperceptibly, watches the way Martyn tracks the tiny movement. The way Impulse does not.

There is a question in his eyes, one that he is not sure Martyn can read anymore. The Martyn of yesterday would have been able to. The Martyn that still cared to scrub his hands free of blood, the one that cared enough to clean beneath his nails, so not even the slightest speck of blood would continue to stain his hands.

The Martyn of today is not the one he has spent time getting to know better. He is not the one that could read a question in the tilt of his eyebrows or the squint of his eyes. He is not the one that would be able to read the question in his eyes right now, swimming just below the surface. Maybe Martyn reaches for that understanding he once had, but the explanation slips away easily, a fish disappearing beneath the surface once more.

So maybe he doesn’t read the implicit permission. The silent question that doesn’t need an answer. Because Martyn might not be able to read his eyes, might not be able to read anything from him at this point, but Scott can still read him. Can still see the plan in his eyes, the way it whirrs in his brain as he smooths out the crinkles and finalises it.

Still, despite Martyn’s plan being finalised, set in stone and ready to be carried out regardless of what anyone says, Scott gives him a small nod that he might not catch. A granting of permission. A better you than anyone else. Martyn might not understand it. May have lost the ability to read him entirely.

He still ends up with a sword through the heart, pulled out slowly, longingly. Blood coats the inside of his mouth, and when he coughs, feels it spilling over, it feels like a parting kiss.

[comfortablecomfort]

Bedtime Method

(Have some platonic Tomatt, this is based off an idea i had.)

Ler: Matt

Lee: Tom

Tom was lying on the couch, absolutely hungover. It was nighttime, the lights were out and Edd and Matt were asleep, but he couldn't sleep... at all.

He tossed and turned around the couch, but to no avail. He might as well just give up and wake up tired in the morning.

That is, until Matt showed up.

"Tom?" Matt looked over his awake friend

Tom jumped at the sudden voice and sighed as soon as he saw Matt looking at him.

"Hey Matt." Tom sighed

"Why are you lying on the couch? Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Matt asked, sitting near him.

"Can't" Tom replied

"Why not?" Matt was getting a little concerned

"I'm just not tired, I don't know why..." Tom asked, a little bashful on how Matt would respond

"Is it because of the hangover?" Matt patted Tom's belly while asking, which caused Tom to flinch a little at the slightly ticklish feeling

"Probably." Earlier this morning, Tom got pretty drunk, and Edd gave him one hell of a scolding for drinking so early, and Matt was too busy admiring himself to care.

"Well, do you want me to help you out a little?" Matt looked Tom directly in the non-existent eyes.

"Help me? Matt, how are you gonna help me fall asleep?" Tom was baffled on how Matt would help at a time like this.

"Come on Tom! Give me a chance! Please?" Matt whined a little

"Matt-"

Matt gave Tom puppy dog eyes, Tom didn't feel like arguing over this.

"Fine, whatever." Tom sighed

"Yay!" Matt gave a goofy little smile.

Tom prepared himself for Matt's sleeping method.

Matt gave a cheeky lil grin, he had the perfect idea for how to get Tom to sleep.

"Well, try not to laugh too loudly, you'll wake up Edd." Matt teased

That caught Tom's attention, laugh too loudly?

"Matt, what did you mean by-"

Tom was immediately cut off by Matt scribbling his fingers into his underarms, Tom broke into laughter.

"MAHAHAHATT W-WHAT ARE YOHOHOU DOHOHOING?!" Tom squealed

"Tom, I said keep I down!" Matt scolded with a little tease, scribbling faster.

"MAHAHATT I CAHAN'T!" Tom pleaded

"Can't what?" Matt asked, trying to be oblivious

"YOU'RE LITERALLY TORTURING MEHEHEHE!" Tom kicked and bucked, this really tickled!

"I'm trying to help you sleep Tom!" Matt teased.

"YOHOHOU IDIOT!" Tom now tried to kick Matt to get him off, failing miserably

"Aw, I'm sorry. I'm trying to help you and you try to kick me?!" Matt sarcastically scolded.

"SHUHUHUT UHUHUP!" Tom screeched when Matt prodded his sides next.

"Is it working? Are you getting tired now?" Matt asked playfully

"YEHEHES I-IT IHIHIS, I'M TIHIHIRED!" Tom admitted while trying to push Matt away.

"Alright then." Matt finally let Tom go.

"You suhuck." Tom snarked a little

"You're welcome Tom!" Matt smiled

It actually worked, Tom was pretty tired.

"Well, maybe we'll explain this to Edd in the morning." Matt said

"W-Whatever." Tom fluttered his eyes a little.

"Goodnight Tom." Matt waved and headed back to his room

"G-Goodnight Matt." Tom finally drifted off, maybe he would get some shut eye after all.

(All done! I might write another, Lee! Matt fic too..)

[mister-snake]

Hi, this is a random shit post, don't waste your time with it

So I've been feeling suicidal

It's not like I'm gonna do it or anything

But talking about it makes me cringe

It's like I can't picture a way to seek help that doesn't make me feel miserable

I think I'm scared to get the "victim" role

And I'm scared not to be taken seriously

I don't want to get attention

This is not a cry for help

I just don't particularly enjoy getting those intrusive suicidal thoughts

I mean I'm sure nobody would

But I just don't know how to make them go away

It's like my first reflex always is to get drunk

When I feel like this, I just go "Time for a drink!" and then I don't have to think anymore

It's like I'm just tossing things out my head for a little while

Also I didn't drink for a whole 5 days

Not by choice, but still, it's something

Can't help but to think it might be related

Maybe I am a coward

Maybe I need to escape and that's why the feelings got worse

Or maybe it's everything else that happened

I don't know anymore

I'm tired because by now I would've expected to be hurting less

Back then I was like "In a year, I'll feel better, I just have to go through it, keep myself busy, keep breathing at the very least"

And here I am and none of it did fade away

In fact, it just got worse

I'm just like

Can I really do it all over again

Pretend I'll feel better within a year

And for what, to feel worse than before, just like now?

I'm just tired

I'm not all impulsively suicidal or anything

Just numb

But in control

Control feels sickening nowadays

I know I wouldn't but I kinda miss the lack of control I used to have

It was not intentional, but at least I could let go, let it out

At least there was something to let out

I used to be so full of anger, but also will

Like I had something to fight for

Did I have something to fight for

I think I did, I had things to lose

And I mean I still have things to lose

But if I already lost myself, do I even have those things as mine anymore?

Or is it just

A facade, the ruins of memories based on who I used to be

I think I'd rather not find out

But it's already killing me anyway, because I feel like I know the answer

Maybe that's why it's so bad

Or fuck, maybe I am just overthinking everything

But overthinking means it's real to me, so is there really a difference

Fuck I just want to wake up and feel okay

Wake up and feel like getting up

Wake up without feeling like everything is pointless and I'm a burden

Wake up and feel fucking alive

Without hero, without happy pills, without somebody

Just be happy for the bare minimum, for being alive

I don't know how to make myself feel better

I don't know if I can even feel better

But the anxiety that it's creating is so real and overwhelming

And it's eating me up more every day

Maybe I am, losing it

What if I am, what then

It's gonna get worse

And I'll keep it up

And because I'm keeping it up, nobody will see it, nobody will care

I'm not okay with that, it's not what I want

But how can I do otherwise

I am not going to kill myself or try to just to get a break from reality

That's what dumb teens do

No offense to all dumb teens out there

I've been one once, not going there again

But what choices are left for me

It just feels like there's no way out

Anyway I should sleep

Maybe tomorrow morning it'll be all gone

Probably not

But maybe is still better then never

I'll take maybes for now

Goodnight

[pisati]

december’s only just started but I think now’s a good a time as any to start a 2019 recap. 

I don’t remember much of the first half of this year, if I’m honest. I remember it starting in a pretty dark place. I do remember starting talking to Gavin at the tail end of 2018; that was honestly a light spot in that space of time. I’d really been through it last year, and it was so nice and refreshing to talk to someone who genuinely seemed to care, who was genuinely interested in what I had to say and was genuinely curious about me. I felt kind of weird about that level of attention at first, but now I miss it. time’s gone on, what can I say, maybe I’m a little attached. not painfully so, but. this is someone I really do care about a lot.

which is why I’m still pretty regretful about january. I still don’t really know what happened over festivus weekend. I’d been so upset for so long, and next thing I know it’s back to the usual. but it was just.. nothing. I felt blank. my heart dropped into my stomach the next day once I realized how something that felt so insignificant could be so hurtful, and honestly I spent all of festivus in that dead zone at T’s house just really upset with myself. I don’t know how much I would’ve enjoyed it even if that hadn’t happened. 

my depression was really bad. I remember my emotions being all over the place. I remember drinking and eating bundt cake alone at home in my bathtub on valentines day. I remember sending some messages I kind of regret, others just for fun, because fuck it, why not? I remember spending a lot of time in bed. a lot of time trying to reassure myself that I hadn’t done irreversible damage; that I hadn’t fucked up everything as per the usual. journaling, trying to keep my mood up above rock bottom. I was fostering that litter of rats early in the year, and that felt like a whirlwind. I remember going out to dinner with a friend, and coming home, even after having a good night, in a horribly sad mood. I barely remember any of the rest of it. 

I’m sure some good things happened earlier in the year too. one of the few things keeping me sane, besides my rats, was waking up in the middle of the night to snapchat and whatsapp messages from Gavin. I was a complete mess, but having someone consistently showing me they cared and actually wanted to.. I don’t know, follow all my social media, get to know me, all that. it was nice. I remember having a real bad day mood-wise and going to yoga with charlotte, and coming back to a message that I was the ~some kinda angel~ he’d been dreaming about. amazing how something like that can pick you right up. I remember a lot of voice clips; he was real excited to hear my voice the first time. I don’t much care for my voice, but... that enthusiasm gave me a little more confidence to do more song covers. I hadn’t recorded that many in years, if ever.

I think I went to a few shows earlier in the year. I got to meet Phoebe Bridgers, which was so cool. Carmen took me back out to Baltimore after I’d just seen Hozier, and we saw Weezer and The Pixies. and I got to hear all about her girlfriend troubles and her adventures in Cuba. it was really nice reconnecting with a friend, hearing how she’s been trying to do better for herself, and she really is. I can’t say I’m not a little jealous of her; her confidence and radiance; but I’m also really proud of her too.

I started my mood tracker app in february, and I think I started seeing my psychiatrist not long after that. I’m still amazed she started me on something that didn’t make me sick, and might actually be working for me. I’m still recalling that one night I had, must’ve been february. I felt absolutely godawful, and nothing helped. it wasn’t anything in particular, I just felt Bad. I wouldn’t have done anything stupid, but I also felt for a minute like it’d never go away. I tried everything. I tried a bath, possibly a face mask. I tried writing, I think. I tried music. I even put on a disney movie or two like I would if I were feeling sick (I rarely ever watch anything disney, but when I get panicky from nausea I need something comforting). nothing helped. that I think is what prompted me to go to a psychiatrist this time. I hadn’t been in that deep of a pit in a long time.

things started to pick up with the weather. I felt myself balance out. I really thought for a minute that I was going to scare Gavin away with my erratic moods, and I thought he had this perception of me that I was some kinda crazy or overemotional or whatever else... but I was just in a real bad spot. I’m still grateful that he stuck by me through all that, and wasn’t too weirded out by me for it to be actually exciting when I got my plane tickets to Scotland. I was really excited too, but of course kind of nervous because I’d never been that far away from home by myself before. 

I remember doing a good bit of volunteering, but I was really tired and couldn’t keep up with much more than one day a week. my energy levels were worrying. I know I saw a few doctors, because thankfully I had the time, but they weren’t terribly helpful. 

I’m sure I went to more shows. I lost my Louie in June, not long after his second birthday. that was heart-shattering. I wasn’t expecting it from him; he was just fine. he just had a lump removed from his tail. he was such a happy, sweet boy. I couldn’t believe one minute he was snuggling with his cagemates, and the next I was holding his tiny little body in my hands, trying to get CPR to work, watching the life leave his eyes. taking him to the crematory was hard. picking up his ashes was hard. everything about it was hard. but I had to keep going. I wasn’t expecting that at all, and I was so scared Ollie would be alone, because Fitzie’s time was coming fast too. he’d been deteriorating over the course of the year and I just knew it was only a matter of months. his legs were going, and he couldn’t clean himself. towards the end I had to check his privates at least once a day; male rats get buildup of various fluids, oil, and skin cells, and those plugs can block their urethras. they generally clean it themselves, but when they get so old they can’t do it. so it was up to me to pull it out. I can’t say it wasn’t weirdly satisfying, kind of in the same way that popping a big pimple is satisfying, but it was definitely gross.

so I looked for more rats to adopt. and by some miracle, just like the day after Marty passed, I found a brand new litter posted by the rescue some of my fosters went to. I went to meet the baby boys and picked two, and while I probably could’ve picked a better match... I love my Harper and Micah to bits. they’ve got such personalities on them.

but of course, nothing is ever convenient. right after I adopted them (because I had to go through such a long adoption process; I could’ve had more time otherwise), I had to go to farm jam. I was a little over-prepared this year, but I’m glad I got myself a nice tent and prepared for rain. farm jam honestly wasn’t that great this year, though. my friends wanted to hang out with each other, hardly anyone talked to me, and their friends from other places that I didn’t even know had other friends that they brought to our campsite, so there were a lot of strangers around. not that that’s a bad thing, but... I just felt uncomfortable. everything is so different now. not to mention I just felt really alone. people talked to me when they needed to. I ended up actually pretty bored; I’d brought some things to keep myself entertained, but I was asleep before midnight every night because there was only so much I felt like staying awake for by myself. there was one night I was just really upset, so I made myself a quick dinner and shut myself in my tent while everyone else was up all night. I read by lantern-light, put in my earplugs after I was tired enough, and went to sleep. I was ready to be home again. I’m not sure if I want to go again next year. I like farm jam, truly, but it’s just not fun when you’re surrounded by ‘friends’ who can’t eve be bothered to talk to you. it was painfully obvious that I’m just not part of the group anymore.

I was glad to have Scotland to look forward to. I got to unpack and repack; thankfully I was smart enough to make packing lists before I even left for farm jam. I was nervous as all hell once I got to BWI and found my terminal, and once I landed in JFK I was trying real hard not to call my mom like I usually do when I get nervous. I get the travel jitters pretty bad. but I took some zzzquil before I got on the plane, and since I’d already been up all day I was grateful to sleep through a good bit of the 5.5 hour flight. I managed to stave off jet lag by staying up for another full day, but I can’t say I enjoyed it, ha.

I did enjoy everything else about that trip, though. I definitely had plenty of high points in my year (much more than last year, for sure), but this trip was probably the best. I know I wasn’t the most expressive (I guess I’ve learned not to be?), but I loved it there. I also know I got real lucky with the weather, so it’s not always as gorgeous as it was when I visited, but it really was lovely. I’d love to go back to Gourock one of these days. sit on the shore; a little slice of such a big world. I wouldn’t have wanted to skip rocks with much of anyone else.

I had a moment while I was catching my breath in Edinburgh; I’d gotten the tiniest bit lost and wound up in the park across the street from the Botanic Gardens, so I sat on a bench for a bit so I wouldn’t look weird. after a while I got up and crossed a big football field to get back where I was trying to go, and I remember looking up at the sky for a split second, and it really hit me that I was alone. that was the furthest away I’d been from home by myself, and I was in a city 2 hours away from the only other person I knew for thousands of miles. it wasn’t scary, necessarily. not even lonely. I think that feeling would’ve given me anxiety in the past. it was just... a profound aloneness. 

I was really proud of myself for tackling Edinburgh by myself. figuring out the trains, going to see the castle, managing to avoid looking like a tourist so nobody hassled me, finding a little record shop to browse through, walking around the gardens alone. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even believe it, though. I’m amazed I made it back to the train without my leg bones breaking through my heels, and amazed I could even still walk by the time I got back to Gourock. my hips were so stiff and every step was hard. I know I pushed it. but it was so worth it.

I miss the feeling. that no-obligations feeling; being able to do pretty much anything we wanted because it was vacation time. I do remember feeling bad, not knowing what it was that I must’ve said or done (because why else would you go quiet on me?). that wasn’t so fun. but I know I’m not unreasonable. I’m not hard to talk to, I don’t think. I don’t explode over little things; I’d much rather talk through them than be left wondering what I did wrong, and then do it again. I don’t mean to be rude or mean or anything like that. we grew up with very different perceptions of things but I want to be on the same page, and sometimes that means being a little more conscious of what I say and do.

I wasn’t really looking forward to coming home, but thankfully I had a little bit more down time before I started my new job. and ever since the end of august, I’ve been in work mode, it feels like. I’ve tried to keep up with volunteering, I’ve kept myself entertained sending packages out to Scotland (can’t say I’m a fan of international shipping costs though), and I’ve dealt with the loss of a few pets. I’ve been lucky enough to have my mom’s help with moving out, and I feel like my meds are really helping me now too. I feel a lot more balanced out than I did, and having such a good work environment is helping immensely. I’m still not quite where I want to be, but I feel better than I have in years both mentally and emotionally.

the emotional front has changed too. back at the beginning of the year, I was so messed up, still. there was a lot of residual hurt after the 2 years or so prior, but I was also still super depressed. but the waters have calmed, and I’ve found that I’m not completely alone, necessarily. I have the hope that I have one person in my life now that won’t give up on me. I’ve had... something like a year now of something relatively consistent. I feel like I’ve been able to build some trust, and like I’m slowly chipping away at these walls I’ve had built up. for the first time in years I’m actually kind of upset about feeling lonely. for the first time in years I’m not feeling sick to my stomach thinking about holding a hand, or someone holding me, or, god forbid, even kissing someone. I might even want that. and it’s weird to me, now, because it almost seems out-of-character, since I’ve been so messed up for so long. but this isn’t out-of-character, it’s the character I used to be before things all went sideways. I’ve had this image of being distant and detached and repulsed and unfortunately that ends up getting tied to the fact that I’m asexual (though in actuality they’re not related). but I know that’s not me. I know my asexuality is just a fact about my attraction to other people, and it has little to do with my behavior. it’s weird to me, feeling like this again, but I’m so relieved the damage might not have been permanent. it helps that my memory is such garbage. hard to remember how to feel fucked up when you can’t hardly remember how you got there to begin with.

maybe my year will end on a little brighter note. I’m seeing a new rheumatologist on new years eve. I hope a few people will come visit for new years. I’ve got crafts to do and things to keep myself busy with. I hope Gavin will want to skype before the end of the year, but I get not feeling good. I get that talking takes energy. sometimes I feel like I just take a lot of energy to interact with, so I’m trying not to be annoying. I’m fine doing my own thing, as I have been. but I do miss his [virtual] company. it’s getting a lot more obvious since moving out how really quiet and lonely it is by myself, and I have this feeling in the bit of my stomach that I’d feel a lot better if I could share this space with someone. sometimes I just want to show someone something, make them smile, talk about little nothings. and I don’t have that right now. I’m trying to let little things make me happy and let that be good enough, but it’s hard sometimes. it would just be really nice to be able to rest my head on a shoulder. to laugh about a dumb tv show with someone. even though I feel a lot better than I used to when I missed people, things sometimes just aren’t as good alone.

a lot of this year felt really foggy. but I’m glad to be where I am, even though it’s making me nervous. I hope I’m putting a good foot forward. and I hope 2020 brings more growth and healing. I hope one of these days I can learn to be the kind of person I want to be, and that I can be good for someone else too. so I can just know that to at least one person I’m not completely insufferable. so I don’t have to be so afraid that I’m just going to drive people away so I self-isolate. I’m doing a lot better about the negative thoughts, but I want to keep improving on that too. I have a lot of work to do, but I want to do it. it’s scary to feel like I’m doing so much alone. it’s sad knowing everyone else is caught up in their own lives, but at least most of them have someone else. it hits me sometimes how really, really lonely it is to have your own life but completely alone. I don’t mind being single. but it would be nice to come home to someone I love. someone that isn’t my rats, though of course they brighten my day no matter what, ha.

so. yeah. I’m a little hopeful. I want to get my shit figured out a little bit more. it’d be real nice to go back to Scotland too, but I might have to put that idea on hold til my life balances out a little more. I’m just going one day at a time right now. I’m doing my best. and thankfully my best is getting a little better. I want to keep that up.

[meher-sumedha]

Gwynriel Headcanon : Gwyn jealous

(I thought this as the first thing I woke up in the morning so god forgive me, also kinda toxic)

Gwyn hated it, Gwyn fucking hated it. Hated the way he was dancing with that bitch. She knew she and Azriel had a platonic relationship. Well she didn't even know if she could call it a relationship, they only fucked now and then.

But still, she hated it. So she didn't know if it was alcohol or what that made her legs immediately walk up to them. Azriel's back was towards her, so she tapped his shoulder slightly, he didn't turn. She tapped again, and yet he didn't turn. And then she tapped a bit harsh, and only then did Azriel turn.

"What's wrong Gwyn? " He asked, kissing down the neck of the bitch. He was not a good drunk, and Gwyn had enough with him using that excuse to flirt and dance with other girls. Or letting them grind against him.

"You know what's wrong, " Gwyn replied, waiting for him to stop and pay attention to her. He then sighed and stopped dancing with the girl and said, "F. R. I. E. N. D. S. we're just friends. "

And began dancing with her again. Gwyn didn't know if that was for her, or the bitch. And Azriel didn't explain himself. It was like he couldn't care less about her.

Well Gwyn was done with his shit. She sat down at the bar and took some shots of tequila. It burned her throat when it went down, but it didn't burn more than the feeling inside of her.

She drank and drank. Tried to push down that feeling. Yet it didn't work. So, as soon as another guy walked to the bar, she pulled his shirt's collar and brought him down to the dance floor.

She then turned around to look at him, "Wanna dance? " And the guy's eyes roamed around her body, taking her beautiful figure in. Took in her body con blue dress that hugged her figure tightly, and barely lest anything for the imagination. He smirked and said, "Yes".

So they started dancing. With Gwyn grinding her back against his front. His hands roaming around her body, from her hips to her chest. At one moment, Gwyn could've sworn he groaned in her ear.

And then he whispered, "Wanna go outside? " And Gwyn didn't know what to do, so she nodded. What could possibly go wrong? Innocent Gwyn thought.

And so she followed him outside. As soon as they went outside, he tried to slam his lips into her but Gwyn backed away. "Whooa there, what do you think you're doing. ", "I thought you wanted to have sex with me. "

And he tried to kiss her again but Gwyn backed away, "We were dancing for fuck's sake-", "You were grinding your ass against me. And anyways, you don't wear that kind of dress until you want it. You're basically asking for it-" And that was when Gwyn's fist connected with his jaws.

"I can wear whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. And if I want something, I'll ask for it. Instead of looking at my dress and assuming what I want, fucking ask me that. "

And Gwyn was about to walk away when that guy held her wrists violently and slammed her against the wall, he then whispered, "I want you girl, and I'm gonna get you-" He didn't get to finish his sentence until someone pulled him from behind and punched him, repeatedly.

What the hell just happened? Gwyn thought. And then suddenly the guy rose. Guess what, it was Azriel. And he looked angry, "What the hell were you doing with a guy, in an alley, at 3am in the fucking morning? "

Gwyn was still processing what the hell just happened so she started with the same speech"I can do whatever I want whenever I-", "Oh don't give me that-", "Well why the fuck do you care? F.R. I. E. N. D. S? Right? We're just friends. "

Azriel was surprised to see Gwyn cursing, and was surprised all together to see Gwyn jealous, so he asked, with a huge devillish smirk forming on his face, "Were you jealous Gwyn? "

And Gwyn was not having it, so she started walking away, muttering, "fuck you az" And Azriel chuckled at that, and said, "You know you'd love to. "

And Gwyn stopped short in her steps. She knew she needed an outlet, maybe- maybe this could be it.

So without any warning she pulled Azriel's collar and started kissing him. He wasn't doing anything so she took his hands and guided them to her ass. She tangled her hands in his hair. Yeah, she wanted this, meaningless sex. That's all it was anyways.

And then Azriel pulled away, panting. "Gwyn, you're drunk. " And Gwyn tried to kiss him again but then he pulled away completely, "Gwyn, you're drunk. "

He didn't wanna have sex with me. He didn't wanna have sex with me. And this thought, only this thought ran in Gwyn's head. She was hurt, and embarassed, and she didn't even know when she slipped up the words, "You don't wanna have sex with me. " And she repeated those words, like a mantra, sticking them.

And Azriel seemed alarmed at the words. He suddenly cupped her cheeks and said, "Of course not Gwyn, I wanna have sex with you. And you have no idea how much, but you're drunk and I would be taking advantage of you. " Gwyn didn't believe one of the words he'd just said, and she was about to walk away when Azriel suddenly wrapped his arms around her waist and started flying.

Gwyn was forced to wrap her hands around his neck, even if she didn't want to. And when the arrived at the house of wind, she muttered, "asshole" With her neck still resting in the crook of his neck. Azriel chuckled and Gwyn pulled away, to see his eyes, his hazel eyes that she loved. His hazel eyes that were full of light at this moment, and this brought a smile to her face.

He returned the smile and said, "You're smiling" And Gwyn suddenly realized that and pulled away. She then started walking away from him and into the house, she heard Azriel groan behind her, "Gwyn-", "No no, I know" Gwyn said before trying to walk down the stairs to the library, and failing miserably.

"Whoop-" And Azriel was there in a second to pull her up. "I can manage myself", "Yeah sure you can Gwynnie", "Don't call me that", "Okayy Gwynnie" He said and Gwyn looked at him, trying to seem angry, but miserably failing again. That only made Azriel chuckle more.

"You can stay here-", "Can I stay in your room? " Gwyn asked, knowing she would be disappointed in the answer, but was actually surprised when he said, "ok".

So they walked to his room and Gwyn went straight up to his wardrobe to take out a t-shirt and get out of this dress. She went in the bathroom to change, and she heard Azriel ask her, "Are you hungry? ", "No" She replied and changed into his t-shirt.

She then walked out of the room only to see Azriel in just his boxers, and his eyes roaming around her legs. She smirked before getting under the covers and saying, "well shadowsinger, you do remember that you said no to sex, right? "

And Azriel groaned before getting into bed, "you're not gonna let that go are you?" And Gwyn smiled and shaked her head.

Both their backs were against each other, but not before Gwyn asked, "wanna cuddle?" And Azriel chuckled and said, "Yeah".

So Azriel rested on his back, not knowing what to do. Gwyn turned towards him with a smirk and asked, "You don't know how to cuddle, do you?" And Azriel didn't reply. She then went to hug his chest and rest her head on his chest. He then replied, "Ye-yes I do", "As you say Azriel" Gwyn said in a knowing tone.

Azriel wrapped one of his arms protectively around Gwyn, and with his other, stroked her back. "Goodnight Azriel", Azriel kissed her head and said, "Goodnight love".

(I have my exams tomorrow but I wrote this)

[bonny-kookoo]

Smart Girl (J.JK x reader)🔞🌼☁️🎀

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Good Girl!AU, Fluff, Angst, smut (what did you expect?)

Warnings: a bit of separation anxiety and a small panic attack sprinkled into it, but y’all know me by now, Reader is kinda lost without her Koo and emotionally a MESS (TM), sad boy Jungkook, Grumpy Jungkook, a fight between the marshmallow couple yikes, Dom/sub dynamics, Dom!Jungkook, Sub!Reader, Oral (m receiving), manhandling, mild DDLG themes, reader is a bit bratty this time and koo is having none of it, slight hair pulling, I think that’s it? Jungkoo is just the best boyfriendo ever okay

Summary: Jungkook loves how dependent you are on him. You however start to feel a bit different about it when you overhear a coworker of yours, who’s coincidentally also someone he’d slept with in the past, talking about how childish and most of all how much of a burden you are. You try to show Jungkook how independent and strong you can be on your own. And fail miserably. But luckily he's always gonna be there, won't he?

Good Girl || Sweet Girl || Smart Girl || Brave Girl

You don't even know how it started. Maybe it was when you'd told Alex how Jungkook had just recently thrown your small pink plastic chair away, which you had used to reach the highest shelve in the kitchen so that you didn't have to ask him. Truth be told he'd said he didn't do it, yet his smirk afterwards told other words. He was always like this- it was as if he fed his own pride every time he helped you with even the smallest of things. Soohyeon had sighed at that, and you had simply asked what was wrong.

"What I'm saying is, Y/N sweety, maybe he just does it because you seem so lost all the time." Up until now, you and Soohyeon had gotten along quite well, considering the fact that she'd revealed to you early on when Jungkook had picked you up from your work that she and him had a bit of history- bedstories, for that matter. It did made you uncomfortable at first, but she'd reassured you that it had been a one-time-fun thing, no feelings involved. You believed her, considering that he really had been a person like that. Right now however, you began to feel a bit uneasy. "Trust me, I think he's just too soft for you to actually say it out loud." She said, and Alex scoffed.

"You're just bitter Soo, get over it or get out." She said, placing her hands on your shoulders as if to shield you from her words. You both quickly went to change after finishing your shift, however, the uneasy feeling stayed. "You okay?" Your friend asked, clearly concerned over your lack of happiness considering you had been so over the moon earlier that day when you'd explained how you were invited to a company-trip; and Jungkook had agreed to come along. You shook your head yes, but she was clearly not having it. "Look, I think she really is just bitter. Don't let it get to you, okay?" She said, and you smiled.

Back home, things didn't get better though. You were suddenly on edge, Jungkooks presence around you as you started to pack your bag for the next few days felt suffocating, and you couldn't concentrate on his voice at all, even if you wanted to. This was horrible. Were her words really getting under your skin?

"Y/N?" He asked, and you looked up. "You've been staring at that pair of pants for almost ten minutes now. Do you want me to pack them in my bag? That way you don't have to lift so much-" He said, already reaching for the piece of clothing, yet you slapped his hand away. You didn't intend for it to look as harsh as it did, yet you also couldn't apologize in time. "Whoa okay, that's new." He said confused, crouching down next to you on the floor to inspect your face turned downwards. "Whats wrong?" He asked, now actually a little concerned.

You simply folded the pair of jeans, packing them into your bag instead of his like he had suggested. "Nothing, don't worry about it." You mumbled, not noticing the way his eyes started to harden a bit at your attitude. It wasn't the fact that you went against him that bothered him, but the lack of communication going on. He hated it if you didn't talk to him, something you'd promised him to keep to a minimum.

"Okay there, stop." He said, shutting your bag to keep you from continuing, not even letting you protest. "I don't like that attitude baby, you know I hate it when you don't talk to me." He said, looking at you. Normally this would be the extend of your 'bratty-tantrum' how he playfully liked to call it- but no, it seemed like this wasn't just a random outburst, because you genuinely tried to pry his hands away from your bag. He was not having it. "Stop this bullshit-" he said, but you didn't let him finish this time.

No, this time you'd gotten up, making him stand up as well. You shrunk back a bit, but whatever had set you off, it really did it this time. "Fuck off, Stop treating me like a kid Jungkook!" You said, trying to run away from this upcoming argument by leaving the room, yet he didn't leave you alone. In that moment you didn't even think really, because if you had, you would've never reacted the way you eventually did. He waited, leaned against the counter with crossed arms, making you scoff at him. "Maybe you should just stay home Jungkook." You said, leaving him in the kitchen. You were mad. And ready to sleep in your old room- which was technically your room to begin with, yet you had slept in Jungkooks bed for as long as you were together now, so it was more like a guest room at this point.

You didn't care. You needed to be alone.

Jungkook was utterly confused. There was no simpler way to put it. Maybe he really had overlooked the way he was starting to get more and more on your nerves with his constant helping and looking after you- but how could he really overlook that? Maybe he really didn't know you as much as he thought he did. After all, you two hadn't been dating for overly long at this point, and even though he has had relationships before, this was the first time he genuinely felt completely at ease with you. Didn't you feel the same way with him? Maybe Taehyung had been right, and he secretely was pushin his own likes onto you instead of openly communicating- ironic really, considering that he was always demanding to speak up whenever something was up with you. This was a mess. So thinking you truly meant what you'd said, he silently went back into his room, unpacking his bag.

  The next morning, he tried to be as normal as possible. You didn't really fight after all, did you? Yet as soon as you walked out of your room, hair already brushed and clothing chosen carefully for the 7-hour busride, the air felt tense. He suddenly felt as if he was walking on the thinnest of glass shards, and if he wasn't careful he'd prick himself and bleed out on his kitchen floor. This was worse than any mafia-movie had ever depicted a torture scene. What the hell was he supposed to do?

In the end, none of you both really spoke at all, simply silently consuming a bit of breakfast, while you checked your phone to make sure you were on time. You'd seen your pastel pink bag next to the front door, and wanted to go off again. He really expected you to leave alone now? Mad as you were, you stood up and placed your cutlery in the sink, silently grabbing your coat. "Wait, let me-" you turned around and looked at your boyfriend, wanting to cry on the spot right there. He stood like he was genuinely scared to help you with your stuff, and you, intending to not make him even more uneasy as he was, grabbed your bag, opening the front door. You pretended to not see him standing behind you, expecting at least a hug- one which you never gave him, instead shoving your way past him, leaving him at the doorstep, dumbfounded as ever.

The trip wasn't as fun as you thought it would be. In the end, Soohyeon was visibly dissapointed to see that Jungkook didn't join in, which made Alex scoff at her in disgust. Now you felt even worse for letting her words get under your skin. Enjoying anything was a challenge you never wanted to accept, considering that he was supposed to be beside you, making weird remarks at the way your guide was struggling to speak in front of you and your coworkers. You felt bad.

Back home, Jungkook wasn't doing much better. He'd called up Taehyung to talk to him about the fight you both had, and immediately wanted to hang up on it as soon as he told him to just 'fuck it out'. This really wasn't an option with you. You both were so much more than just sex, but he highly doubted Taehyung would understand this.

Maybe he should give you control for now. He'd just let you choose the pace from now on, no sexual innuendo here. Yet he couldn't help but call you anyways after biting his lower lip until he faintly tasted metal on his tongue. He could call you to tell you goodnight, right? You'd like that.. right?

  The Night was even worse. You never liked loud places such as clubs, and Alex wasn't really much help either, since she had just dissapeared somewhere as soon as you all went out. You sat in the hotel bar, busying yourself with your phone because you didn't even drink at all. The more you thought about it, the more you really started to feel like a child. A lost one. So to try and at least get some good rest, you simply went up to your room, shutting the door, and throwing yourself onto your bed, your phone forgotten.

Fighting with Jungkook sucked. That much was kind of obvious to you if you were being honest, yet you never truly thought about why it sucked. It wasn't so much that you knew you were overreacting. It wasn't the fact that he was right, even though that did kind of hurt your ego a little bit- it was more the aftermath and your own stupid hardhead that made you react like you did.

You were a softie. In a sense of, emotionally very easily affected. Things other people simply didn't care about sometimes had a huge effect on you. When you had talked against your mothers advice for the first time at the age of 10, convincing her to buy a blue teddybear for you instead of a pink one made you feel horrible that night- so much so that you found yourself crying way after your bedtime, staring at the soft blue bear in your hands. Not only because you felt bad for doing something simply different than what was expected of you, but because you felt bad for the bear- as stupid as it sounded. Your mother later on talked to you, explaining that it was okay to do things how you wanted sometimes, yet even though you always held that stuffed toy dear to you (even to this day, its still sitting on your bed), your attitude towards things never truly changed. You still had a hard time coming up with the courage to really speak your mind and let things go your way, because you knew you couldn't deal with the aftermath. Just like now.

Jungkook had been right. Oh so right. Yet you couldn't text him, because for once it was actually way too late at night, which was kind of ironic considering the previous story about your childhood, but also because you didn't know what exactly you should say. 'Sorry for being bitter about being bitter?' this was stupid, and you just wanted to throw this stupid white hotel pillow against the stupid hotel wall in front of you. Instead you simply pulled your knees closer to yourself, battling with your own tears. Why did you always cry so much? This was so unfair. Why wasn't Jungkook here, why did he actually let you go on this trip alone, why didn't he stop you, why did you tell him to fuck off, why the fuck did you shove him- so many thoughts started to make the tears finally fall. This was ridiculous. You just wanted to go home. What if something horrible happened and the last thing you said to him were these words?

But had Soohyeon been so wrong? You really were a burden, weren't you? Remembering all those times you'd asked Jungkook to help you made you feel awful, a stark contrast to how these little memories used to remind you how much you loved him. Now they just made your stomach feel stale and empty. Or maybe it was the fact that you had forgotten to eat. Again.

A buzzing sound from under your sheets made you sniffle, grabbing your phone to see who the fuck would be calling you this late.

Jungkook.

You hesitantly picked up.

And before he could even finish his 'Hey doll', you started to sob. Why was he so unfair? And why were you so upset about it?

"Whoa Angel, what's wrong?" He cooed over the phone, and you knew he just wanted to help, but the way he talked to you just fueled your inner thoughts even more. It was like trying to put out a fire by throwing a cardboard box on it- it just made everything worse. And you could physically feel it too- the way your fingers started to tingle, then curl into fists, the way your ears began to sound fuzzy and your head started to spin. You faintly heard Jungkooks frantic voice, counting. Counting? "One.. two.. three.. and out. Thats it baby, breathe." He said softly, and you could slowly feel your fingers again, sniffling softly and rubbing your eyes- before instantly regretting it when you saw your mascare on the back of your hand, smeared like the words of your first essay in school when you'd accidentally wiped across the ink that wasn't dry yet. "Talk to me baby."

His voice was like velvet over the phone, and you wanted to cry again. You had to swallow several times, searching for your voice before you spoke. "I'm sorry." You said, and before you could continue, your own sobs thought it would be nice to choke you up again. Now you just cried out of frustration, and it pained Jungkook way deeper than he liked to admit. This was horrible for him, the way he could clearly hear your painful whimpers, he just knew you were getting a headache already- and he couldn't do anything from this far away. He could only wait for you to continue. "You- I was so mean to you and so so dumb and I didn't mean it, I promise." You said tearfully. "I love how you drive me to work sometimes, how you get me things from the upper shelves in the kitchen, how- how you help me carry the groceries, a-and how you help with- with reminding me to eat, and how you tried to help me with my car even though you had no clue what to do and-" You said, and he hushed you again, noticing how you got riled up again. "I feel so bad 'Koo, I didn't even hug you goodbye when you stood behind me and I even pushed you and I didn't answer your texts and I really wanted you to come here too cause everyone's just drinking and I hate that, and there's this weird arcade place close by and you always told me how I suck at video games so I wanted you to show off there again even though I always tell you I hate it and-" You said, and he laughed.

"Baby stop, breathe." He said, grinning so hard his cheeks started to hurt. He always told everyone how soft you were, yet no one believed him when he said it. Taehyung always said you probably held the reigns in the bedroom, yet how could you ever? He just wanted to shelter you from the entire world, your soul way too gentle and fragile to be placed in such a rough environment in his opinion. He'd started to google the fastest route to your hotel, internally sighing when he saw the 6-hour mark on the quickest way. He didn't care however. "It's alright angel. First of all, you're not dumb." He said, sending the route to his phone while getting up to grab some clothes and his bag. "You're the smartest girl I've ever met okay, and nothing will change that." Not really caring what exactly he grabbed, he made sure to get an extra sweater for you to put on, knowing how you didn't pack any of his in your anger. "Second of all, why were you even mad in the first place baby? I really don't get it. If you want me to take care of you the way I did, why did it set you off yesterday?" He asked, genuinely confused.

You bit your lip, curled up on the way too large double bed which had been booked since Jungkook was technically supposed to be here. "Soohyeon said-" you began, but he groaned loudly at that, making you pout.

"Soohyeon? I really should've known. That woman really can't take rejection can she?" He said, his mood rotting the more he thought about her. "I don't think I wanna know what she said. Look baby, whatever she said, it's bullcrap okay?" Zipping up his bag quietly to not raise suspicion on your side, he sat back down on the corner of the bed. "I love you, alright princess? I'd tattoo that onto my forehead if I could keep my job after that." He said, and you giggled at that, making him visibly deflate. Thank god. "I love that sound too. Now go wash your face and drink some water so that your headache won't be so bad in the morning, alright?" He said, and you nodded, before internally cringing and answering him verbally. "Good. Now sleep baby, we'll talk tomorrow, alright? Love you." He said. And you immediately said it back, rushing into the bathroom after ending the call.

The next day started with a message on your phone, reminding you to drink lots of water to conquer your headache, and you smiled this time. When you met up with Alex for breakfast in the Hotel Lobby, she had greeted you with a hug, yet she also asked what was wrong, and why you'd left so suddenly last night. You explained to her what happened, leaving a few smaller details out that would be embarrassing down the line, like your slight panic attack over the phone simply because you remembered how you didn't hug him goodbye. That was your secret to keep.

She'd helped you with carrying your plate, when suddenly someone took it from her with a thanks, and your eyes widened when a hand was placed on the small of your back, the warmth of it slowly seeping through your shirt. You should be terrified but at least a bit uneasy, yet it was the smell that suddenly hung in the air that made your eyes almost water. Not because it was too present like your mom's perfume every time you went out to dinner as a family, but because you knew this- because Jungkook hated strong smells, and always washed his clothes with a specific fabric softener. But- how?

"Surprise?" He said, looking over your shoulder with his sugary sweet bunny smile, and you hugged him, careful of the plate he held in his hand. He simply laughed, already feeling way better than back home. Because even if he didn't outright say it, even just a day apart, especially when you both have had an argument before, had been hell for him. He was concerned for you whenever he couldn't be close to you, not because he thought you weren't capable, but because he thought why should you deal with things he could deal with way easier? When it came down to it, he was sure that you could stand up for yourself- you weren't a child before, as much as you may thought you were in his eyes. It was tricky, to say the least.

Soohyeon's eyes widened at the view of Jungkook walking into the hotel restaurant for breakfast, yours and his plate in his hands while looking for a table you could both sit at. It wasn't so much so that she was jealous, not really, because the dynamic you both had was nothing she wanted in a relationship- yet she couldn't help but feel a bit upset over the fact that he had gotten into a relationship with you. Technically, you were absolutely not his type, but what did she know?

Jungkook chuckled as he sat down with you next to a window, knowing even though you didn't outright say it that you liked this particular seat. He could spot Soohyeon in the corner of his eye, and wanted to laugh a bit, yet decided not to, simply as to not embarass you. You smiled, happy that he was there, and that was all that counted. "So, about that arcade place-" He started, and you groaned a bit, making him laugh. "Hey, come on, let me tease you a bit baby. You were the one leaving me cold like that, remember?" He said, and regretted it as soon as those words left him when he saw you visibly deflate. "Hey- sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Let's not talk about that right now, okay?" He said, and you nodded, shoving another piece of toast between your teeth.

Suddenly that trip didn't feel so boring after all. Having Jungkook at your side made almost everything way better- and funnier. You felt more freedom now, knowing that you had someone at your side who would have your back if you did something bold. It was like Jungkook's presence gave you a sudden boost in confidence, Alex smiling every time you made a sassy comment, being a stark contrast to how you'd acted before. But that was just the effect he had on you.

You both later on ditched the rest of the group and decided to go back to the hotel room- simply because you insisted, even though Jungkook himself told you over and over again that he wasn't tired, sometimes even being interrupted by a yawn as if his body was trying to tell you how big of a lie his words were. You didn't mind at all that he needed a bit of rest, you loved sleep after all, and it was even better when you could sleep in the arms of a loved one like him. He immediately fell onto the bed, sighing in relief and you laughed at that, putting down your handbag before going into the bathroom to take off your makeup. It was still mid-day, but you honestly didn't feel like wearing anything anymore, rather happily grabbing your makeup-wipes and cleaning your face. Jungkook came into the bathroom, smiling as he took in your now clean face. "I love it when you don't wear makeup." He said, wrapping his hands around your middle and placing a kiss on your cheek. Ever since your little 'moment' a week ago, he'd been way more generous with his kisses around you. It seemed like he'd officially broken down an internal wall, like he learned something new and had to experience it over and over to really get the hang of it. And you loved it.

Back on the bed, you had your phone in hand, randomly checking your twitter feed for anything interesting, when Jungkook finally emerged from the bathroom, having insisted on taking a very long hot shower because 'look, I payed for this shit so I'm gonna use it'. You'd laughed at that and the fact that he insisted on having you shower with him, yet eventually giving up after you'd explained to him that that's dangerous, that you could slip and hurt yourself because you just knew he wouldn't be able to keep his hands to himself- that thought alone made him shut up, if a bit pouty. He had a towel wrapped around his lower parts, but the view of his bare upper body wasn't something unusual. He had a habit of normally sleeping without a shirt, and generally walking around the apartment without one on a day off for that matter. You didn't really knew why exactly he did that, but hey, you weren't complaining at all. He suddenly laid down on top of you in a teasing way, his arms resting next to your elbows keeping your upper body up since you were laying on your stomach. Of course he didn't let himself fall down, knowing he would probably crush you under his weight, but he also knew that you loved being this close to him, even if you sometimes made pouty remarks on how he was bullying you for being small. "what'cha doing?" He said, placing his chin on top of your head, trying to catch a glimpse of your phonescreen while you scrolled down. He became increasingly more touchy, suddenly running his fingers over your arms, moving his head to rest on your shoulder, before he eventually started to softly kiss the side of your neck. You had to admit it was hard resisting, but you liked to test his patience once in a while. "Yah, pay attention to me.." He whined, playfully biting the skin just above your collarbone, making you squeak, and him laugh darkly. Today, it seemed like he wasn't really up for playing. Because once he saw that you still refused to give into his advances, he eventually placed his way larger hand over yours, pressing the lock button on your phone before taking it from you.

"Hey!" You said, turning around and sitting criss-crossed while watching him place your phone on the bedside table, even making sure to connect the charger before turning around to face you again. His hair was still damp, his skin soft and still a little red on some parts where the water had heated him up. Even though his eyes held something mischievous and impish in them, you noticed just how young and fierce he looked; it made you remember just how much of an untamed person he really was. While you were someone attached to him like a newly grown limp, he was free to go wherever he wanted. Maybe he was just as uncaring then? Would he really slow down himself in order to make you catch up to him? Maybe he would. He'd shown you again and again just how gentle he actually could be, yet he also never backed down from a challenge with anyone. You really weren't as competitive as him, yet his nature had started to really colour your soul as well, making you bolder whenever he was around. Turning back time to the beginning of your relationship, you would've never seen you being so open with him like you were now. "You aren't even wearing clothes, gimme my phone back 'koo-" You started, but he'd seen through you already.

He smiled and crawled up to you, his towel getting caught under his knee during his movements making it eventually just lay on the matress underneath his legs as he towered over you, this time your body laying on its back underneath him and his gaze. You blushed chrimson, trying hard not to look down at all, and it made him laugh. "Oh baby, I don't plan on sleeping right now." He said, hands grabbing your wrists and putting them over your head. "And I don't need clothes either for what I'm about to do." He whispered, turning his head to the side and watching your face for a minute before chuckling. "Seriously doll? You've seen it all more than once by now, how are you still shy?" Moving his hands to run over your form, he stopped for a second, face serious. "Do you want to? We don't have to right now." He said, and you shook your head at that. You'd missed him. You wanted him too.

Moving to throw your shirt over your head, he instantly leaned in for a kiss, the newfound sensation now one of his favorite feelings with you. Back then kissing had been somewhat of a taboo for him; not because he didn't like it, but because he'd always been a hopeless romantic deep down, promising himself that he would keep a signature offering just as kissing for his actual lover, not just anyone he'd screw. It was such a meaningful gesture to him that he could not bring himself to kiss anyone other than you- but he'd never tell you that. That was embarassing. Your soft mewls eventually brought his thoughts back to you, moving his hands and lips away from where they had been to new destinations. Your lavender colored shorts had to go as well as your white lacy bra- and he smiled at the fact that this time was a rare occurance where you didn't match up your underwear. He thought about teasing you about it, but eventually decided against it, feeling way too needy for your taste and touch at this point. Suddenly however, you spoke up.

"Ngh, wait-" You said, and he immediately stopped what he was doing, eyes searching yours for any explanation. A blush covered your face and heaving chest, a view he would describe as heavenly if it wasn't for the slight concern that made its way through his brain. I wanna, uhm.." You started, but went into panic mode. How where you supposed to ask him that? You'd been so bold before with pleasuring him with your hands, yet you wanted to go even further- however, you never even saw so much as porn of it before, clicking away as soon as you thought you could watch it. Maybe it was really childish, but this was something you wanted to try, your curiousness getting the best of you at this point, but you also didn't know how to express that properly. Maybe he didn't even like those things, maybe he would be against it, and then the moment would be ruined and the night would become awkward as hell. His hand was placed on your chin, his thumb gently pulling your lower lip out from your teeth to stop your biting. This was your Jungkookie for god's sake, he would never laugh at you for this! (He actually would, just a little bit, but that was besides the point.) "I uhm.." you started again, before closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. "I wanna go down on you too." You rushed, and waited for his response. Which did take a bit.

His eyes were wide open, and for a moment he looked just like the phrase always said, 'like a deer caught in the headlights'. You wanted to... what? It wasn't like he was against it or complaining, hell fucking no, but when did you even get that idea? It was always a little confusing to him how you could be so angelic, yet so mature at the same time. Suddenly his mind started to go nuts, visions of you on your knees in front of him, eyes so innocent staring up at him while he had his length placed inside your mouth- good lord. "Are you.. sure? You don't have to, you know-" He started but you cut him off.

"I'm sure, I just-" You said, playing with your fingers out of habit. "You would need to, you know, tell me how.." Jungkook almost growled at that. Of course that was your first time; and the fact that you trusted him so much as to ask him for this made his pride swell up- well, not only that, but right now he had other priorities. He gently traced your cheek, before moving to get a pillow from the bed, placing it on the floor at the corner.

"Alright baby." He said, and you nervously went down to kneel on the pillow, thankful that he didn't make you place your knees on the hardwood floor. But then again, he'd never do anything to hurt you whatsoever, so it wasn't too surprising. Somehow, even though you'd seen it countless of times you still avoided eye contact with his hard on, making him smile a bit. Your nervousness was quite endearing to him if he was honest, yet he would never voice that out loud. Instead, he slowly took your hands, placing them just underneath his navel, before he ran a hand through your hair, brushing it out of your field of vision for you. "Take your time pretty girl, just do what you think feels right." He said, voice low but steady. "I'll lead you on the way. Just relax." He spoke, hands never stopping his gentle reassurance. Even though you felt like you would never be ready, you slowly started to move your hands. At first you placed them on the inside of his thighs, getting a feel of it, before moving them to his hipbones and leaving them there. You slowly breathed to calm your own nerves before you placed a kiss on the side of him, making him breath out a bit heavier. Easing into it, you eventually took the tip inside your mouth, bitter and salty tastes combining in your mouth from the taste of his skin and slight precum. It wasn't unpleasant though, so you didn't shy away.

As soon as you started to suck just a little, his head fell back. His breathing was a bit shaky you noticed, and when you took a little more of him in, you noticed how the muscles of his stomach tightened. "Just like that-" He breathed out, getting interrupted when you swallowed around him a little as to not drool all over the place. You moved backwards to let him pop out before taking him in again, soft lips leaving a heavenly feeling behind. He looked at you with admiration, and if his mind had been trying to display an image of what you maybe looked like in this situation, nothing could've prepared him for the view he actually got. Second after second you got more comfortable in what you were doing, but it was when your eyes innocently looked up at him while your head turned a little to the side, hair bruhing his thigh, that he broke. A grunt was leaving his lips as you reached for his hand, intertwining your fingers in his. The way how you made something so filthy feel so romantic made him a little jealous- you always did things like this so effortlessly, while he struggled with writing a fucking birthday card the right way without making it sound over the top or cheesy. "God- yes-" He choked out, before you placed your free hand around the rest of him that wouldn't fit into your mouth, moaning a bit yourself around him. "I don't even have to- fuck- teach you anything-" he said, chuckling a bit under his breath, chest heaving and dusted in a mild watermelon shade, sweat starting to glisten on his skin. "you're such a smart girl, ah- you're my good girl, so so good, fuck-" He said, thighs suddenly trembling. His hand found its way into your hair, his grip tightening a bit without being too rough. "Baby I'm gonna cum, princess, stop I'm- ah-!“ He said, but you almost cockily didn't stop, instead swallowing again around him, before you could feel his cum heavy on your tongue as he actually whimpered out a moan. Your nose scrunched up a bit at the taste yet you swallowed it down, and he fell backwards, taking a deep breath. You moved to stand up, legs a bit sore from your position, laying down on your stomach next to him, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. "You really are something else dollface." He said, his hand placing itself behind your ear before he pulled you closer, kissing you deeply. He didn't mind the slighty weird taste of his own release on your tongue one bit.

The way you could rile him up in a matter of seconds was witchcraft, he was sure of it, yet he didn't mind being cursed if it was you putting a spell on him. It didn't matter as long as he could be like this with you forever at this point. Was this what love actually was? His kisses were deep, rushed, as if he was running out of time again, but that was who he was. Jungkook was an impatient man, only slowly learning to take a break or stop and stare for a second. He'd been a selfish and hurried being before he'd eventually met you, nowadays starting to make time for things instead of squeezing his happiness in between seemingly important tasks during his day. Moments like these however made him fall back into his old steps, yet you didn't mind at all. This was just who he was, and you loved him either way. His hand travelled lower, eventually finding your folds, slipping between them with ease, your juices making every motion glide softly as ever. Putting pressure on your pulsing nub you mewled into his mouth, back arching off the matress and chest pushing against his, your hands grabbing the sheets in small fists before loosening up, just to grab them again. You gasped when he eventually let your lips go, instead playfully biting and sucking on the skin of your shoulder down to your collarbone, making sure to leave his marks on his way. His fingers eventually slipped inside you, curling up to have you moving to a beat only you both could feel. He took them out of you after a bit of making sure you were ready for him, impatiently pumping his length to get himself ready as well, before he grabbed his travelbag, opening it hurriedly and grabbing a familiar foil package. Ripping it open with slightly shaking hands, he rolled it over his sensitive tip, making sure it was properly placed before he joined you again on the now dishelved hotel bed. The first push made you both groan out, before you had moved your legs, heels placing themselves just above his behind, trying to keep him close to you. He sighed, swallowing between breaths, sweat now making his skin glow as the sun slowly peaked out beneath the clouds again, shining through the window, blinds drawing patterns of glowing stripes on your skin wherever it could reach you two. He whished he could take a picture right now, the entire scenery so sappy and aesthetic to him that he couldn't help but plead that he would never forget this view. He groaned when you started to clench around him. "Ugh, you're so good to me princess.." He pressed out between grunts. His pace picked up again, the sound of skin against skin ever so present in the room. "Such a good- good girl for me, yeah?" He said, and smiled when you nodded at him, hands grabbing at his biceps, holding onto him for dear life. Your orgasm came sudden, so sudden that it made you yelp a bit, an in your ears way too loud moan escaping- while it sounded like music to Jungkook himself as he released inside the condom inside you, body shaking as he slowly pulled out making you whine at him cutely.

You both laid beside each other, Jungkook putting the sheets over your body, knowing how easily you got cold afterwards. He curled up behind you after getting rid of his condom, pulling you as close to him as possible, sun slowly glowing warmer and warmer, before you both fell asleep.

"hey." Something touched the tip of your nose. You scrunched it up, groaning before pulling the sheets higher to cover your face. "No no, baby." The voice of your boyfriend was evident, sleep lacing it a little but he seemed to be awake. "If you sleep any longer you'll get a headache princess." He said, and you turned around again to face him, hating how he was right. "There you are. Good morning." He said, smile ever so present on his features. You remembered briefly getting up late at night and showering after Jungkook helped you with it, before falling asleep again. Now it was almost 11 in the morning, and you were surprised how long you'd slept. "We missed breakfast, but I wanted to take you out for some fast food anyways." He said, sitting up and making you smile impishly.

"Chicken Nuggets for breakfast?" You asked a bit timidly, and he chuckled.

"Only because you gave me head yesterday." He bluntly said, and you hid yourself again.

He really was the worst boyfriend ever. And the best.

"I still can't believe how that was your first time doing that."

"Please stop talking about it-"

"Oh I will. If I can get another one tonight?"

"Shut up 'Koo."

"Oh you love me!"

Yes. Yes you did.

Thank you so much for reading, and again, don't hesitate to send in asks for 'koo or the MC to answer! Much love, Bonny <3

[headinthestaticsky]

Frozen Within the Night Wind: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 6

None of the characters in Twilight belong to me. All rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

"Baby, you don't wanna leave You'd be sorry, 'cause honestly I can make you feel better, any day Look at what you've done for me, I called it how I see You belong with me."

Stick by: BANKS

For the next few weeks Me, the Cullens, and the wolves have been keeping watch on Bella and Charlie. It wasn't an easy alliance and anytime Sam or Leah went onto patrol they wouldn't even acknowledge me. So I often patrolled with Emmett and Jasper to make things less tense. Tonight however I had no choice but to patrol with one of the wolves... a plus side about tonight though, Bella wouldn't be here... she was out with Jacob right now. I had made an excuse that I was staying with the Cullens for the night so dad wouldn't be too suspicious.

"Are you sure Darlin, I can stay behind on this hunt to be with you."

"I'll be fine...I'm sure Sam won't do anything to me. Besides, I've already hunted for the week...you haven't hunted these past two trips because of me...Go I promise I'll be fine."

He sighed before wrapping his arms around me and laying his head on my shoulder. It didn't last long however since we heard rustling behind us. We both turned to see Sam in his wolf form standing there.

"I'll see you later love."

"Bye love."

When Jasper left Sam stood next to me, he didn't look at me at all. We sat in silence for an hour when I finally decided to say something.

"Look...I know I'm probably just going to end up talking to the air tonight but...I need to get some facts straight."

Sam just huffed in his place.

"None of the Cullens turned me...if they would've gotten to me quick enough I wouldn't even be patrolling my dad and Bella right now."

Sam seemed to be staring at me out of the corner of his eye.

"I don't know who he is...but someone working with Victoria turned me...If I am being completely honest I think it's the intruder we're looking for right now."

Sam huffed again.

"And I know you are absolutely disgusted with what I am now but... I really miss you, and Emily... Seth and Leah too. But I know I can't go down there anymore and Leah completely hates my guts but I just had to get off my chest." I looked away from Sam, feeling completely embarrassed that I spouted all of that out. Then suddenly, I felt some fuzzy nuzzle into my hand. I smiled and pet him, it seems he's warming up to me again.

"Thanks, Sam..."

Our heads both shot up as we heard movement and for a split second I saw firey red curls go across the way.

"Let's go Sam!" I said and started running toward her, he followed me a second afterward. She noticed us running toward her and took off back into the woods.

"Sam go back onto your territory so she can't jump back without being caught."

He followed my command surprisingly.

"I thought you were great at self-preservation Curly, but to come right to her house, right near the Cullens isn't very smart now is it?"

She didn't acknowledge me. Suddenly... something popped up in my head... I looked at Sam and winked, I mouthed to him that I had an idea.

Victoria stopped in her tracks and stuttered.

"James?"

I stopped running and crept up behind her, not wanting to let the hallucination go to waste. Carlisle was right... this second power would be useful to me. The image of James just looked at her with deadly eyes.

"James... how are you... here?"

"What are you doing with him?" "James," asked.

"It's not like that...It just so I could avenge you." Victoria stated.

"You disgust me..."

I was just about to get behind her and grab her neck when she snapped out of it and flipped me over and sent me into a tree. She took off again, leaving us in the dust. Sam jumped back over to me and nudged me with his head.

"I'm okay Sam... we need to go back to the house in case someone else shows up again. When we made it back to the house I saw Jasper and Rosalie standing in our spot looking confused.

"What happened? Why did you leave?" Jasper asked.

"We saw Victoria and chased after her...we couldn't catch her."

"Damn it," Jasper grumbled.

"Were you close to getting her?" Rosalie asked.

"I was inches away from grabbing her by the neck... I guess the hallucination I made wore off..."

"Can you tell where she's going now?" Rosalie questioned.

"I can try... the tracking is still a little wonky sometimes." I got into that trance again attempting to track her,

"It looks like she's going to Oregon..."

"Oregon what is she going to do in Oregon?" Jasper inquired.

"I can't tell..."

Before anyone could say anything else Jacob's car pulled up, Edwards was not too far behind.

"Uh oh... this can't be good," I said, I then began to jog toward the situation, it soon turned into an argument.

"IF YOU EVER TOUCH HER AGAINST HER WILL AGAIN!" Edward roared.

"Guys don't do this here!" Bella pleaded.

"She doesn't know what she wants."

"Hey what the hell happened?" I asked.

"Jacob kissed me..." Is all she said.

"Wait for her to say the words," Edward said.

"What... Edward do you want her to be in a relationship with him? You're losing the argument here bud. bring it back!" I thought to myself.

"Fine, and she will."

"Jacob just go okay?"

"Hey, hey hey... break it up you two," Dad said, he must've heard the commotion.

"Okay... what's going on?"

"I kissed Bella... and she broke her hand, punching my face... total misunderstanding."

I couldn't help but bust out in laughter... this whole situation was something you would find in a crappy soap opera they play at 4 in the morning when no one is awake to see them.

"What are you doing back here Fleur?" Dad asked.

I came up with a lie quickly.

"Oh I forgot some toiletries... and I came back down to get them." luckily my car was still here.

When I pretended to grab my items I came back outside, Bella and Edward were gone. I kissed my dad on the cheek and wished him a goodnight and drove back down to the Cullen's house. When I came in Carlisle was wrapping up Bella's hand, everyone else was sitting in the room with them. I sat by Rosalie and Jasper, just observing the situation, Emmett walked in with a smirk on his face.

"Geez did you try and walk and chew gum at the same time Bella?"

"No, I punched a werewolf in the face."

"Badass...you're going to be a tough little newborn."

Rosalie and I looked up, now focused on the conversation.

"Tough enough to take you on." She said with a smirk.

Rosalie slammed down the paper she was reading and left the room. Bella just rolled her eyes and sighed. I looked at Jasper and he nodded, I slinked out of the room without anyone noticing or so I thought.

"Hey, Rose."

"I can't stand your sister."

"I know the feeling."

"But at the same time... I envy her too."

I pulled her in for a hug, trying to comfort her.

I heard the slight sound of a door opening and closing again.

"What do you want Bella?" I asked.

"You can go and blather about the joys of being a newborn with someone else." Rosalie added.

"Okay... Rosalie, I don't know what I did... to make you hate me so much."

"How many times do I have to say it... If you treat someone I am really close to like dirt... then I'm going to hate your guts."

Bella scoffed.

"I envy you also Bella."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"It's not...Bella." I jumped in

"How is it not?"

"You had a choice... we didn't... none of us do and you're choosing wrong, I don't care how miserable your human life is," Rosalie explained.

"My life is not miserable. It’s not perfect, nobody’s life is perfect." Bella stated.

"Mine was. Absolutely perfect. There were things I still wanted. To be married with a nice house and a husband who kissed me when he came home. A family of my own... Royce King was the most eligible bachelor in town, I barely knew him. But I was young, I was in love with the idea of love. On the last night of my life, I left a friend’s house late visiting her newborn son, I wasn’t far from home… They left me in the street thinking I was dead, believe me I wanted to be. Carlisle then found me, he smelled all the blood, but he thought he was helping me."

"I'm... so sorry." I said... I had never heard how she got changed until now.

"That's terrible," Bella added.

"I got my revenge on them, one at a time. I saved Royce for last so he would know I was coming. I was a little theatrical back then."

"That's not theatrical... that's bad ass," I said, Rosalie cracked a smile.

"Things got better after I met Emmett, but we’ll always be this, frozen, never moving forward. That’s what I miss the most, possibilities, sitting on a front porch somewhere, Emmett grey-haired by my side surrounded by our grandchildren, their laughter."

"I understand that’s what you want. There’s nothing I’m ever gonna want more than Edward." Bella argued.

"You’re wrong again, after you’ve been changed there’s one thing you’ll want more. One thing you’ll kill for…blood." Rosalie finished, she then walked out of the room without saying another word.

[kailyn-writes]

In honor of Texas hockey ending the way we expected but did not want, I would like to share some of my favorite moments from this season with everyone. Under the cut will be some of my favorite photos.

I also want to share the story of how I got into hockey.

December 6th, Dallas played Arizona at the AAC. I had just started dating a guy who was a huge stars fan. He asked me to go to the game with him that morning and I said sure, not knowing anything about hockey.

I did not fall in love with hockey that night. I was too distracted by the attractive guy I was with who kept putting his hand in the holes in my jeans and who would crack jokes and make funny comments about the game. It wasn't until I went to a watch party a couple of weeks later that I fell in love with hockey. Shortly after that, I dumped the guy.

Not to be dramatic, but hockey really pulled me out of a dark spot.. I'd been living in the DFW for almost a year and had no friends, I didn't go out and do anything, I was miserable. I was days away from quitting my job and moving back in with my parents when I discovered hockey. Since then, I've made tons of friends, IRL and online, and I go out two or three times a week now. I'm very thankful for that and honestly, that's probably what I'm most sad about losing with the Dallas season ending.

I have been very fortunate to get to go to as many games as I went to this season (somewhere around 15 home games and countless other watch parties), including one where I got to meet a tumblr friend!!

Thank you to everyone who has put up with my stupid posts in the lb and to all of my tumblr friends. You guys are a huge part of the reason that I love this sport and will continue to love this sport.

With all of this being said, I am not leaving Tumblr, I'm not taking a break or anything. I will probably bandwagon the Avs, I have a friend trying to convince me to bandwagon the Lightning but I think I'm gonna go with the Avs.

Anyway, I love you guys and goodnight! 💗

[yikesharringrove]

ok so i think we've all felt undervalued by a friend or like you're not a priority to them while they're your first priority (or am i just petty? maybe.) i want to know how you think steve would act if he felt undervalued by billy (friends or dating) i rlly like your writing sorry i'm asking a lot.

don’t apologize for requesting stuff! I love getting these.

Also it’s big projecting time

-

“You wanna go out tonight?” Billy was hopping as he tugged on his jeans.

“Can’t tonight. Goin’ out with some of the guys from the shop.” Steve bit his bottom lip.

Billy had started working at the autoshop down by Family Video, the owner had taken him under his wing, and Steve was glad Billy had made some friends, had some positive men in his life.

And he was excited that Billy had made friends in this town when Billy announced he was going out with them after their Friday closing shift.

But then he kept going out with them, and started hanging out with them more than Steve.

“Have fun.” Billy swooped down, kissing Steve on the forehead before booking it out of their little apartment.

Steve huffed, slumping back onto the bed.

He kinda felt like he could cry.

He and Billy hadn’t gone out together in weeks.

Billy was barely home for dinner these days.

It made Steve feel like when he was in high school, with parents that were never around and friends that didn’t give two shits about him.

He called out of work, couldn’t really bear to be seen or interacted with today.

He stayed in bed all day, counting down the hours until Billy’s shift was over.

He watched the clock, the blanket pulled up so just his eyes were peering out.

He watched as the clock kept ticking, as an hour passed since Billy’s shift had ended.

And then two hours.

And then three.

Steve did start crying at the four hour mark.

It was getting late, and Billy still wasn’t home.

Steve got out of bed for the first time today, locking the bedroom door.

Billy can sleep on the fucking couch for all he cares.

He had move past sad now, had sped right into seething.

He slammed himself back into bed.

He sat there, arms crossed, pouting at the locked door.

He put everything into his relationship with Billy. Everything.

He barely had any friends, spending all of his time with his boyfriend who fucking ignored him.

But no, he can’t be mad at Billy for making new friends. It’s not his fault Steve has no fucking social skills, no fucking friends his own age.

But even the kids had been pulling away.

Dustin hadn’t radioed him for a ride or to hang out in like, a week.

And he was right back sad.

but then keys were scraping in the lock of the front door.

Billy’s boots were heavy in the entry hall.

Steve could hear him stumbling around, and dove back under the covers, peeking out from underneath them.

The handle jiggled. Steve’s breath caught.

Billy knocked on the door.

“Hey, Stevie,” His voice was deep and raspy, just a little slurred. “The door’s locked.”

“That’s because I locked it.” Steve popped out from under the covers to talk back, scooting back under them afterwards.

“Um, why?”

“Because I don’t wanna see you.”

He could feel Billy sigh through the door.

“Baby, can we not do this tonight?”

“We’re not doing this tonight. We’re gonna do it in the morning. After a nice sleep apart.” Billy sighed again.

“Fine. Goodnight, I guess.”

Steve felt a little vindictive at the sound of Billy walking away, the sound of the couch groaning under his weight.

And then he just felt like shit again.

He sat on the bed, chewing at one of his cuticles.

He should go talk to Billy.

But Billy was drunk, and talking to Billy while drunk is talking talking to the world’s horniest brick wall.

He slumped back onto the bed.

He missed Billy, missed him so fucking bad it hurt.

There was a soft rap on the door.

Steve glanced at the clock, Billy had been home for an hour and a half.

“Sugar, I don’t like it when you’re mad at me.” Billy sounded miserable.

Steve huffed, getting up slowly.

He unlocked the door, retreating back to bed.

Billy opened it slowly, found Steve sitting nestled in their bed, his eyes big and bright.

“Talk to me, Goose.” He perched on the end of the bed.

Steve wasn’t looking him in the eye. Bad sign. Fucking bad sign.

“It’s stupid.” Worse sign. Even worse sign.

“Baby, it’s not stupid if it’s makin’ you feel bad.” Billy had chucked about two gallons of water before this talk, trying to sober himself up for this.

“It is stupid.” Billy reached for his hand, and Steve pulled his out of the way. Oh God. Oh God. Code red.

“It’s not. Please tell me what’s on your mind. Please, Pretty Boy.”

“Do you still love me?”

Sirens were fucking blaring in Billy’s head.

This was fucking bad.

“Of course I still love you. What’s this about?” Steve shrugged, still looking at the duvet covering his lap.

“I just feel like you’ve been ignoring me.” Billy took a deep breath.

“Can you tell me why you’ve been feeling like that?” Steve huffed, one of his eyebrows twitching up.

“Because we haven’t been on a date, or, or eaten dinner together, or, or had sex in like, a fucking month, and it makes me feel like shit, Billy, because I’m happy that you have friends, and people that take care of you, but I-I” Steve’s lip was trembling, tears pricking at his eyes. “Nobody cares about me anymore and, I don’t think they ever did, and I’m unlovable-” he was openly crying, letting everything flood out.

Billy was panicking.

He tugged Steve’s shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug.

“You are not unlovable. You are so loved. I absolutely love you. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel forgotten. I’m gonna work on it, okay? I’ll be home for dinner, and we’ll go out again, okay? I promise.”

Steve was heaving in his arms, wailing into Billy’s chest.

“Nobody cares.”

“So many people care. So many.”

“The kids don’t need me for rides anymore, and you have other people in your life, and my parents were right.”

That was the final straw.

Billy took Steve’s face in both his hands, making him look up at him.

“Your parents were not right, about anything. Not a damn thing.” Steve was still crying, Billy kissed his teary cheeks. “You are just made of love, Sweet Thing. You’re loved by so many. And the kids are just growin’ up. Going through that phase where they’re too cool for their parents.”

Steve gave a watery little smile. Progress.

“I’m sorry I made you feel bad.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But it is. I mean, I love spending time with you. And I should’ve been more available to you.”

“But I can’t fault you for making friends. It’s not your fault I have none.”

“You’ve got Robin. I’m sure she’d be down for a night of wine on the couch.” Steve huffed a laugh. “But I’ll stop going out with them.”

“No, I don’t want that. I just, we need to find a balance. Like, have a set date night that we can’t miss. Or, or, something. You have friends and I want you to keep having friends. Just maybe, we gotta make time for each other.” Billy nodded seriously.

“You feelin’ any better?” Steve nodded, gave Billy a tiny smile. “Good. Can we go to bed now? Talk some more in the morning?”

“Yeah. And you can sleep in here. I’m sorry I locked you out.”

“I’m just glad you let me in.” Billy rolled over Steve, making him laugh as he put all of his weight on Steve.

He scoot up behind him, pulling Steve close to him.

“Wait, is that-”

“Sorry. I’m still kinda drunk, and apparently working shit out like grown ups makes me horny.”

“Oh my God, Bill. You’re a menace.”

[imgoingtopluto]

A Talk With the Minister: Chapter 4

There are lines from the book in my writing, they do not belong to me! Parts of the original plot will also be altered.

"All of the principals Generals, admirals And the podium lit with the spotlight The crowd buzzing quietly Waiting expectantly Like it's opening night."

Shooting the Moon, OK, Go

I felt pressure on my shoulder pushing me into the Leaky Cauldron. The echoing of Stan and Ern the bus driver rung through the abnormally cold air. I turned and looked at Harry, his face was pale and his expression was blank. I could tell he was overthinking the situation.

“You’ve got them, Minister! Do you want any refreshments? Beer, Brandy, Whiskey?" A bartender said from afar.

"Perhaps some tea." Fudge said quickly. He still hadn't let go of us. Loud scraping could be heard from the entranceway. Stan and Ernie had brought in our luggage.

“’Ow come you di’n’t tell us ‘oo you two are, eh?” Stan asked excitingly, The bus driver stood behind him looking just as excited.

"A private parlor would be appreciated." Fudge added.

"Bye..." Is all Harry said, he sounded absolutely miserable.

"Bye Neville, bye Penelope!"

We had been whisked away into the private room. It looked comfortable, the fireplace was lit and food was placed on a small table.

"Sit down you two." Fudge suggested cheerfully, his mood had shifted from just moments ago. We both sat down in front of the fire, Harry was tense in his seat.

"Well, Harry... I am sure glad Bowie was taking the Knight Bus tonight. If she wasn't you would've given us quite a turn! Running away from your Aunt and Uncle's house during a time like this is very irresponsible." Fudge patronized.

Harry just nodded solemnly while I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

"Eat you two, you both look dead on your feet." Fudge pushed two bowls of split pea soup and buttered croissants in front of us.

"Now... Miss Marjorie Dursley, your aunt was found by two members of the Accidental Magic Reversal Department. She was punctured and her memory was modified, she will have no recollection of the incidental so that's that! No harm done Harry." Fudge winked at him, Harry had finally untensed from his seat.

"But what about-" I started.

"Harry's aunt and uncle? They are undoubtedly furious with him but they are willing to take him back as long as he stays at Hogwarts for the Christmas and Easter holidays."

"I always stay at Hogwarts for the holidays, besides I don't want to go back down there at all." Harry spoke up.

"Now Harry don't say that... I am sure you'll feel differently when you calm down." Fudge said quickly.

"So... what happens now?" I asked.

"You both will stay here for the remainder of your summer holidays."

"Oh sounds nice," I said, I looked over at Harry his face was twisted with confusion.

"Hold on... what about my punishment. I broke the law."

"Harry no one gets sent to Azkaban for blowing up their aunt! You don't want to be expelled do you?"

"No of course not!"

"Rooms 11 and 12 are available I'm sure they will be comfortable for you two. Just do me a favor okay? Do not go wandering off into Muggle London."

"Why?" Harry inquired.

"We don't want to lose you twice now do we?"

"No of course not," I answered for Harry.

"Tom will show you two to your rooms... I must be off." Fudge stuck out his hand for Harry to shake it, he then did the same for me."

"Thank Minister have a goodnight," I said.

“If you’ll follow me, Mr. Potter, Miss. Masters” he said, “I’ve already taken your things up…”

We walked up a winding staircase, we were soon met with brass-colored numbers of 11 and 12.

"I am gonna head to bed I am beat... see you tomorrow Harry."

"Night Bowie."

I walked into the room, its lush, dark oak tables greeted me. Another fireplace was in the room lighting my way to the bed. I collapsed not bothering to change out of my clothes.

A few days later

The sun burned my eyes, my hair was strewn all over the place. I got up quickly and got dressed, my stomach gnawed at me telling me to get something to eat. When I got down to the dining area Harry was already sitting at a table eating.

"Morning..." I mumbled sitting across from him.

"Morning Bow..." Harry greeted humorously. I had placed my head on the table still not fully awake. A pecking could be felt on my hand.

"Harry stop poking me."

"I'm not."

I raised my head, Hedwig looked at me with her bright yellow eyes. A letter was clasped between her beak.

"Thank you, Hedwig." She hooted at me and nipped me affectionately. I opened the letter eager to see what it was.

"Oh, this is great!"

"What is it?" Harry asked in confusion.

"I signed up for this magical pen-pal thing over the summer and I finally got someone."

"You can do that?"

"Yeah Ron told me his brother Bill got someone from Brazil...

"Is your pen-pal from Brazil too?"

"No... she's from France. Her name is Fleur.

"Good thing Hermione got you that book."

"She had great timing with that. I'll have to write Fleur and Mione later... I plan on heading down to Diagon Alley."

"Oh I'll come with you, I still need to get some books."

"Sounds like a plan..."

Timeskip miscellaneous

We went all over Diagon Alley stopping at shop after shop. Harry seemed to be enjoying his newfound freedom. He was thriving in the sunshine he even enjoyed doing his potions homework. Which is something I hadn't witnessed before. We stopped in front of the broomstick shop after we saw a crowd forming. The new firebolt broom was beautiful but sadly, Harry and I couldn't get one after getting our school supplies. It was nice seeing Seamus and Dean as well as Neville but we had yet to find Ron and Hermione.

It wasn't until we went to the ice shop that we finally found our best friends.

"Harry, Bowie!" Hermione shouted from the patio table.

"Finally we found you two, we're looking everywhere! We went to the Leaky Cauldron, but they said you’d left, and we went to Flourish and Blotts, and Madam Malkin’s, and-" Ron started.

"We got most of our school stuff last week... how did you know we were staying here?" Harry inquired.

"Dad," Ron answered.

Hermione got up from where she was sitting and hugged the both of us.

"Bonjour, Merci pour le livre!" I greeted her.

"What in the bloody hell did you say?" I heard Ron say from the table.

Hermione giggled before speaking.

"I see you got the gift I bought for you."

"Yeah, and I got a pen-pal from France so your book came in handy... are you a time traveler or something?"

"Last time I checked no." I laughed at her before sitting down to eat.

"Harry I need to know... did you blow up your aunt?" Hermione interrogated.

"I... I didn't mean to." Ron began to laugh, his freckled face turning red.

"Ron you should've seen her it was hilarious."

"You were there?" Ron asked between breaths.

"No but I could hear screaming, I looked out my window and there was just this big mass floating out the Dursley's backdoor!" Both Ron and I began to laugh.

"Bow, Ron it's not funny," Hermione said trying to quiet us.

"I'm just surprised I didn't get expelled," Harry said darkly.

"I doubt you would mate. I mean could you imagine in the newspaper "Harry Potter gets expelled" tt would cause an uproar. Me on the other hand the ministry would have to dig me up just to expel me cause mum would've killed me if I blew up my aunt!" Ron exclaimed.

I nodded in agreement with Ron.

"She really would," I said.

"Anyway, we’re staying at the Leaky Cauldron tonight! So you can come to King’s Cross with us tomorrow! Hermione’s staying here as well!” Ron exclaimed.

"Yeah, mum and dad dropped me off with all my supplies," Hermione explained.

"Brilliant!" Harry said smiling.

"Oh, that's great!" I added. I had reached into my bag looking for a quill and parchment when two of my books fell out.

"What's that Bowie?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, I found these books I thought I might make good use out of them," I explained handing them to her.

"A guide to excel at Wandless Magic and 101 Astral spells? Fascinating!" Hermione exclaimed.

"They only had one copy of both so I thought why not?" She handed the books back to me.

"You got some extra books too I am guessing?" Harry asked gesturing toward Hermione's 3 bags.

No, they're all class books I have Arithmancy, Care of Magical Creatures, Divination, The Study of Ancient Runes, Muggle Studies..."

"Why are you taking Muggle Studies?" I asked.

"I just think it would be interesting to see how Wizards think we are."

"I didn't think of it like that..."

"Are you going to be eating and sleeping at all this year Hermione?" Harry inquired sarcastically.

Hermione just rolled her eyes and ignored him.

"I got some money left over my birthday is coming up. Mum and Dad gave me some money to get myself an early birthday present.”

“How about a nice book? Ron is in fake innocence.

"No I don't think so... I was really wanting to get an owl. Harry has Hedwig and you have Errol-"

"I don't have Errol he's a family pet, all I've got is Scabbers."

"We can go to the pet shop after breakfast if you want," I suggested.

"Yeah there's a magical pet shop just around the corner," Harry added now knowing Diagon alley like the back of his hand.

"Yeah, I would like that..."

Next stop, Magical Menagerie.

[meher-sumedha]

Gwyneth Birthday Part 3 - Gwynriel Headcanon

Azriel was sitting in the balcony. He had changed his clothes after having that 'food fight' with Gwyn The stars were shining brightly and the wind was blowing in his face. It was like the house was thanking him for being kind to Gwyn. Gwyn had become the 2nd favorite of the house as she talked to it and refers to it as a him. That makes the house feel important and like a part of the family.

Azriel sensed Gwyn coming in his room and then to his balcony. He didn't need to turn to see if it was her, he could sense her presence. But when she sat down on a chair beside him, he was surprised to see her wearing the dress he gave her. Even after all the drama with Elain.

"You look great in that dress" He told her. "YOU look like you half dead" She replied and he laughed. Whenever either of them laughed, it made the other one smile. This time was no different.

"So when can I eat the cake? Or do you plan on smashing it in my face too? " She said. "Hold your horses, first make a wish and then we can dig in" He replied and two forks appeared on the table.

Gwyn then made the wish. She closed her eyes. It was the same as last year, to be happy and have everyone around her be happy. But she also added 'Him' to the list of her wishes. She wanted him.

Gwyn then opened her eyes and blew out the candle. Azriel then took a piece of cake and put it in front of Gwyn's mouth so she could eat it. "Happy Birthday Gwyn", "Thank you Azriel" She replied and gave him a piece of cake.

Suddenly a bottle of champagne appeared on the table and Gwyn started giggling. Azriel had never seen her so happy.

"Can we get a few glasses too? " Gwyn asked the house cheekily. The house flew wind in her hair as in conveying it was tired. "Alright, you can go to sleep, we won't disturb you" She said and a pleasant breeze started flowing.

"Let's start drinking before it goes warm, you don't have a problem with sharing a bottle now do you? " He asked her. "No, no, I got no problem. Azriel popped the champagne bottle and Gwyn flinched. "The girl who climbed the Ramiel mountain flinched because a bottle was pop, how ironic", He teased her while taking a drink straight from the bottle.

"Oh shut up, like you aren't scared of anything" She replied and took the bottle from his hand and took a huge gulp. "I'm not" Azriel said cheekily. "Of course you are, there must be something or someone you're afraid of". " Nope, na da" Azriel said but he knew what he was afraid of - loneliness.

He was afraid of being lonely with his thoughts because they can take him anywhere. He is afraid of thinking about the good things cause he's afraid if he gets his hopes too high, they're gonna be destroyed. And if he thinks about the negative, well that's his job. See where threats can come from to his family and be ready for them.

"What's your fear Gwyneth Berdara? " He asked her, taking the bottle from her and taking a sip. "Trust" She said while taking a sip. "Trust? You're afraid of trust?" He asked. "Yeah, I'm afraid of misplacing my trust, giving it to the wrong people and them breaking it. And I'm afraid of breaking their trust, where I have to choose to protect someone or their trust. "

"Oh" Was all Azriel could say. She then put down the bottle and started eating the cake. "Mmm, I swear you gotta teach me how to make such a cake, I can't ask you to make one everyday" She said with cake still in her mouth. "Well are you waiting for the invitation from the high lords Az? What are you waiting for, dig in" She told him and he smiled.

He then took a bite of the cake and said "I really am that good aren't I? " He said cheekily. "You know, on a normal day, when I was sober, I would put your HUGEE Illyrian ego in place but this it too good for even me to be stubborn ." She said and he laughed.

"There's some cake on your mouth, do this" Gwyn told him while licking her lips. "Like this" Azriel said and failing miserably. "No, not like that" Gwyn then leaned in and cleaned the bit of cake on the corner of his mouth. "See, all done". On the outside, both of them looked calm and thought the other one was too but on the inside THEY WERE FREAKING OUT.

They both kept quiet after that and simply stared at the stars. They couldn't gather the courage to look at one another but that was when Azriel heard light snoring and he finally looked at her. Gwyn was sleeping soundly but he was so drunk that he couldn't carry her or even winnow. So he shaked her shoulders slightly and said "Gwyn, Gwyn, You need to get up, I can't carry you to your room"

Gwyn then finally came back to her senses. "Ughh, i can't go back to my room, I'm too drunk" Gwyn said, still half asleep. "It's fine just let me take you to my room and you can sleep on the bed otherwise your whole body is gonna pain even more in the morning. "

"Alright" She said and Azriel picked her up and layed her down on the bed. "Your drinking capacity's real low, when was the last time you got drunk? " Azriel said while kneeling down beside her side on the bed. "I don't know, like never". "You've never been drunk before? Is this your first time getting drunk", " Yes and yes and this is also my last"

She replied and he giggled . "Did you just giggle? " She asked him. He got up from the bed and started walking towards the door. She then snorted. He turned around and asked "did you just snort? " And she started laughing. "Where are you going Mr. Shadowsinger? " She asked him.

"To sleep on the couch". " You can sleep here you know, it's your bed and I don't mind" , "alright" Azriel said and didn't let his thoughts wander and fell on the bed. "Goodnight Gwyneth Berdara", " Goodnight Azriel whose last name I do not know".

They both were on the bed and facing each other. Gwyn fell asleep first and Azriel put a strand of her hair behind her ear and she opened her eyes. "Az?" She asked him. "Sorry" He said. "Why aren't you asleep yet? " She asked while getting up on her elbows, well trying to. "I, umm, I couldn't sleep, I didn't mean to wake you up".

"It's alright" She said and then put her hand on his cheeks. "What are you doing" He asked before he could stop the words. "When I can't sleep, I listen to the sounds around me, my heartbeat or your heartbeat from across the room" She told him. "Now close your eyes and just focus on my heartbeat or yours"

He closed his eyed and she slightly started moving her thumb on his cheeks with her fingers behind his ear. Sleep came easy to Azriel that night.

The Next Morning :

"Oh god can somebody please cover the damn windows before I murder the sun" Gwyn said while still in her sleep. She was facing the balcony and Azriel was hugging her from behind. "Somebody's grumpy" He said in her ear, with his hand still on her waist. "Oh fuck off" She said and he smiled And went to cover the windows with curtains and went back to his bed.

Gwyn hid her face in Azriel's chest and when he finally heard her breathing slow down he hugged her back.