#I'm glad I abandoned twitter

[bugfail]

Okay I'll follow ty Tumblr

[thebuttsmcgee]

It kinda feels like when the Owl Crew were all saying their goodbyes to working on the show again.

Nearly everyone in the tags is getting ready for The End.

Like. Damn. It really is the end as far as we know for the entire franchise of The Owl House.

Man.

[azulcrescent]

Will you ever update I want to be a cute animal girl again? /lh

Also I love your comics I’ve been a fan for so long on WEBTOON!!

I wrote an answer to this on twitter, but ill answer it here too.

Short answer : yes, and im trying to draw but i have a pretty bad mental block rn.

Long answer : [same response on twitter] On Cute Anime Girl, its not abandoned. I'm currently dealing with a mental block. On the last arc, where Erica was explaining to Cheryl about HRT, a bunch of trans people said they didn't want to read it because they already knew it, and it kinda really irked me. Cuz I felt like trans people should be the last to have the "fuck you, got mine" and it soured my experience with the comic somewhat. I started thinking "im not sure i want to draw if this is my audience" but i know its unreasonable cuz its not everyone. and i will try and i *am* trying to continue drawing it, but its hard. Because that's not everyone, and i do want to tell more of the story. Its just that i realized the story i want to tell might not be what people want to read, but ill still tell the story in my mind. thank you

and tenk q. glad u like my comics, sorry for the wait TvT

[tyttamarzh]

Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter.

This will probably be very long, so if you want to read it, go grab some popcorn and get comfortable.

I have to talk about this because it's eating me up inside. I think I shouldn't give so much importance to comments coming from sewers like Twitter and much less Tiktok, but it makes me so sick (and I'm such a masochist that I even spend time looking for the shit they say to make me angrier and debate them xD).

I am very happy that it was finally made official, with papers certified by the federation, that Tallulah is the daughter of Philza and Missa, I think that was not entirely necessary for them, because they had assumed it for a long time (let's assume that Tallulah needed the pappers to end her W arc), although I suppose that more than anything it was done for those people who still cannot accept it or who deny the paternity of Phil and Missa (With Missa, although it bothers me, I can even understand it, he He hasn't been as present and many people don't know him, but god, it would be a crime to deny Tallulah's paternity to Phil, the man who has kept her alive and given everything for her throughout her life).

I'm glad that, although I have seen negative comments, the majority have been positive (even if it hurts them, it doesn't matter, it's official, screw them). Mainly, the negative comments have been from defenders of W and their arguments are so poor and weak that they are easily refuted. It is obvious that these people do not know Tallulah and have never met her, many do not even know how things turned out and say nonsense like that the current Llulah is an imposter, that it is not fair that they "rewrote" history and erased W (which It is false, Llulah's words make it clear that history was never changed, she simply moved on and that person remained in the past).

I refuted all those arguments on Twitter but screw Twitter, I hate the fucking character limit. So I'm going to expand (I have a lot of poison to get out of my skin). I have some points:

1- "That's not Tallulah" Of course it is her, those who witnessed her life and her growth during the year that passed, can realize that this was her natural evolution. She is the same girl who grew up overcoming her limitations, who suffered, who felt alone, who had abandonment problems, who everyone saw as a poor abandoned girl and who found comfort next to someone who has always loved her like a father and a brother who gave everything for her.

2- "They erased all her lore" No. Tallulah's lore is the one she built with Philza and Chayanne over the course of the year they lived together. Her relationship with W and her longing for him was only part of her story (although people made a lot of emphasis on that), but it was not the only thing that defined her, it never was and only people who never got to met her think that. They see her like an extension of that other person, as the only thing that kept him on the server, but did not see her as an individual character and definitely did not watch Phil's Vods and they never really knew her lore.

3-"How do they explain this in the lore?" Simple, there was someone in her life, someone who was her first father, but who spent very little time with her, who left a long time ago and who is currently no longer part of her life. She learned to let go of the past and focused in the family she has in the present, the family that loves her, that watched her grow up, that makes her happy and gives her security to believe in herself and that is the Death Family, Chayanne, Philza and Missa. Time passes, not all people stay, treasure those who are by your side and let go of what never brought you anything but pain.

4- "They should have created another egg and replaced her" Why replaceher? It has no sense or reason. She is a character who built her own story with her family, a story that never really involved that other person other than with one or another sporadic mention, why eliminate a character that evolved by itself? Little by little she separated herself from what she was at the beginning and that bond that she had with that first father was practically non-existent. What would be the point of eliminating it or replace her with another new character?

5- "No matter what other parents and appearance give her, she will always belong to W because she still carries the name he gave her" No. She never belonged to him. She lived with that man for 2 days and apart from leaving him the promise of a reunion, she did not contribute anything else to her life. She formed her own path, her passion for music was not because of him, it was something she already had before, her love for nature, for animals, everything was built in the days she lived with Philza (even with uncle Bad). She suffered for her first father but she moved on, she matured, she discovered her link with death and her powers as a medium, she acquired her own personality and little by little she built the Tallulah she is now.

She never belonged to anyone but herself and she always fought to prove that, but people insisted on dumping trauma on her and reminding her that she was an abandoned child waiting for someone who at a certain point was nothing more than an idealized dream, because There was never a real relationship between them, they never lived together long enough. She little by little made her decisions and chose the people she wanted to be her parents (and it's not that she had few options, Quackity, Bad and even F wanted to adopt her at the time and asked them to, but she was not a girl who was looking for parents). She could choose and she chose Philza, the person who had always been there for her and later she chose Missa, someone who despite not knowing her very well gave her his love unconditionally and gave her security when she needed it. Then she was able to feel the warmth of being part of a complete family.

6- "They should change her name because W gave her that name! That impostor is not Tallulah!" Why? Her name is not anyone's intellectual property, at the time it was given to her, it belonged to her for better or worse and yes, in some way it will always be a tie to her past, but a past she has already left behind and managed to overcome by creating new memories and dreams.

To a certain extent I understand those who became attached to her because she reminded them of that other person, but if they couldn't see her as her own character, it means that they never cared enough to make the effort to get to know her.

It would shock us all if a character we liked suddenly changed drastically and left behind what like us in the first place. But if they had really watched her, they would have realized that the change was not sudden, it was gradual.

She found in Phil a protective and understanding father who always put her and her brother before anything else, who suffered with her her pain and outbursts of frustration due to the depression caused by the absence of her first father. She found in Missa a cute and loving father who always showers her with love and helps her to have confidence in herself. She doesn't lack anything with them. She has closed a cycle of pain in her life and now she can heal.

She chose the look that makes her feel finally free to be herself, whatever the external reasons that led to that, she finally has a future ahead of her unbound by the past and prefers to be more like the people she considers her family now. If you can't see what all of this really meant to Tallulah and her evolution, it's because you never cared to see even 20% of her story. Well, since the middle of last year she began her journey to break away from a name and be herself, fighting to be seen for who she was.

If those people decide to continue supporting someone despite his shit, that is their right, but the server and the admin were also within their right to decide to kick him out and want to distance themselves from a person they consider unpleasant.

7-There were comments of another type, mainly from people who are really very lost with the lore, people who consider her the daughter of Quackity, even confusing her with Tilín (saying that Q didn't know if she was the daughter of W or Luzu and that she should get a DNA test), when we all know that from the beginning she was W's daughter as a single father and that the only reason Quackity could have become Tallulah's father was if to marry W, but that never happened, W didn't come back and Quackity was never able to develop that relationship with Llulah, she considered him a possible father because she knew W loved him, but Q always being kidnapped or something, they never really related much. There are people who, even with a certificate, continue to insist that Tallulah should have been given to Quackity to raise with Luzu (she had a tender interaction with Luzu and people were already asking him to adopt her, saying that she was alone and had no parents, I seriously hate them!) I shouldn't take seriously people who obviously haven't seen Philza even once and I know that many of those people are hispanic and are limited by the language barrier but if they don't have the slightest idea They shouldn't give their opinion… Tallulah is not an object to be passed from hand to hand, she chose and in order to do so she had to go through a very long and painful arc.

8- I firmly believe that it is a great win to now have a certificate that endorses who the people she considers her parents are, but I insist, it was not necessary, because that has been known for a long time and I am sure that if it was created it was to close the mouth mouth to all those people who are not capable of accepting that.

Tallulah is the daughter of Philza and Missa (and no one else), she is part of the Death Family, that is her story, it is not a whim, a whim is continuing to link her to something she is no longer a part of or wanting to make her a part of a lore that never happened or wanting to give her other parents different from the ones she grew up with (Quackity already had Tilín, Richas and now Pepito, I don't think she needs more children and Tallulah doesn't need any more shitty drama in her life).

Tallulah is a beautiful being, both with her old look and with the new and as Missa says "She deserves only the beautiful things in the world"

Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter!!! Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter!!! Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter!!! And I can shout it a thousand times because it's true and she always was, but now it's certified by the government and no amount of complaining or tantrums can change that fact.

Sorry for my bad english. See you!! jajaja ando re agresiva, pero es que nadie se mete con mi familia xD

[lucky-clover-gazette]

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 3

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

The Regent’s forces were rivers of darker red, driving inroads into their lines, mingling their armies together, like a stream of blood hitting water, then diffusing.

He killed, and it was simply that men got out of his way, or were dead.

He had grown used to something that had been temporary, like the flash of exhilaration in a pair of blue eyes for a moment catching his own. All of that tangled together inside him, and tightened, through the killing, into a single hard knot.

something about the way this is written just hits me in the abandonment issues

‘If the Prince of Vere shows himself, I will kill him.’ Nikandros half spat the words.

nik private twitter venting moment #2

The ground was wet, his legs were mud-spattered above his knees—mud in dry summer, because the ground was blood.

i don’t know man i feel like after a point you have to just be like. hey. why are we doing this again? like yeah i get that fighting in a military force can be for A Cause but unless you’re directly involved in enacting ideological change, aren’t you basically just cannon fodder

On the far side of the field, he saw the flash of embroidered red. That is how Akielons win wars, isn’t it? Why fight the whole army, when you can just—

i’m guessing the part in italics in a previous laurent line, about damen killing auguste at marlas?

He used the little name that Damen had been called as a boy; the childhood name, reserved for intimates.

the fact that is was kastor specifically asking the veretians to call him that…

Damen realised that he was on his knees, his own chest heaving like the chest of his horse.

laurent’s horse will be glad to know that damen’s horse lived. because, as we all know, they’re in love

‘Over?’ The word grated out of him. All he could think was that if the Regent still lived, nothing was over.

it is interesting how, even when he thinks laurent screwed him over (see previous chapter), damen has this uncontrollable rage towards the regent rather than laurent. i think this has more to do with the regent killing his men and trying invade his country, though. and maybe just that it’s easier to hate him than laurent. “regent = bad” is something that’s easy for damen to comprehend right now, while laurent’s whole thing is a lot more confusing and intimate

And with returning awareness, he saw as if for the first time the bodies of the men that he had killed to get to the Regent’s decoy, and beyond that, the evidence of what he had done. The field was a rutted earthworks strewn with the dead. The ground was a churned mess of flesh, ineffective armour and riderless horses. Killing ceaselessly, for hours, he had not been aware of the scale of it, of what he had caused to happen here. He saw flashes behind his eyelids, faces of the men he’d killed. Those left standing were all Akielon; and they stared at Damen as at something impossible.

damen holy shit… i guess that’s one way to reclaim your authority. and he didn’t even mean it as a sign of intimidation, he just wanted to get to the “regent.” who by the way was just some random guy RIP

‘Find the highest-ranked Veretian still living and tell them they have leave to bury their dead,’ said Damen. There was a fallen Akielon banner on the ground beside him. ‘Charcy is claimed for Akielos.’ As he rose, Damen wrapped his hand around its wooden pole and planted it in the earth.

not sure if calling it an akielion victory despite the combined forces is just customary, or intentionally out of spite. i’m leaning on the former, since it’s damen and not laurent we're talking about

The herald came cantering across the devastated landscape on a white, glossy mare with a curved neck and a high, flying tail. Beautiful and untouched, he made a mockery of the sacrifice of the brave men on the field. His banner streamed out behind him, and its blazon was Laurent’s starburst, in blue and shining gold.

here is an excerpt from a post i made while reading king’s rising for the first time:

“damen when he realizes he’s not in a slow burn romance with problematic beginnings, but a complex psychological thriller in which the smartest fictional character i have ever personally encountered has decided to make his life a living hell and also they’re in love with each other but the psychological thriller stuff is way more important to his bitchy blonde nightmare malewife and he is SO down bad and just has to deal with laurent’s mean girls 4d chess petty nonsense bc it’s enrichment for him and damen will kill anyone who gets in laurent’s way and he can’t even pick up the very very VERY clear implications of laurent’s trauma that would probably allow them to reach some kind of vulnerability equilibrium in their relationship”

on a re-read, i think this is a great time to dig into that a little more ;)

SO what i love about so much of laurent’s choices in the next few chapters is the fact that much of what he says and does is entirely petty. like, yes there’s always strategy and trauma and depth as usual, but i think it’s not denying him depth to say that he is 20 years old, this is his first love in the midst of an extremely stressful and messy situation, and despite his own wishes he cannot prevent his emotions from affecting his actions. laurent has had control over so much of the situation with damen thus far, both with the power dynamics between them as master and “slave” and the fact that damen didn’t know that laurent knew who he was. but now laurent knows that damen knows, so all of his previous and future actions are going to be under damen’s scrutiny in that context. they’re equals now, and the secrets reinforcing laurent’s prior cognitive dissonance have dissolved. that leaves laurent vulnerable (especially after being tortured and genuinely letting damen down even if by accident) and emotional compromised (he has no choice but to see damen as damianos, and with that comes all of the auguste baggage and the fact that they’ve already fallen in love and had sex under different circumstances).

all that is to say, the next few chapters are laurent’s mean girls era. he is, again, still being smart and strategic (4d chess), and his feelings are valid and his trauma is real. however, he is also just being MEAN, for the same reasons classic high school movie mean girls tend to be: he feels insecure and vulnerable about his romantic attachment to damen, stressed out by the insane amount of power he definitely should not have, and self-righteous about all the ways the world has conspired against him. regina george might have been the villain of the movie, but she was the hero of her own story. janis and cady methodically dismantled her life as a popular, powerful, and confident person. that’s why she got revenge with the burn book instead of looking inward and acknowledging her own issues, of which there were many. she had a machiavellian view of life, in which mean people always won, and so being mean in retaliation was how she could protect herself from being a victim.

that is laurent’s perspective too, for a lot of this series. we don’t know anything about regina’s backstory, or heather chandler’s (another great example), but we do know exactly why laurent has the worldview he does. he used to be sweet and it made him a victim. so he is mean to protect himself, even if that robs him of his sweetness. damen’s integrity and honor have challenged laurent’s worldview, though, and that has been the source of a lot of laurent’s slow reconsideration. but now that laurent can’t just pretend that damen isn't damianos, now that he has to accept this situation in its full interpersonal and political messiness, he isn’t nearly as inspired. laurent assumes, now that laurent has gone “mask off,” that damen will realize that laurent doesn’t deserve the love he has shown him in the past. because laurent has been mean to damen, by lying about his awareness even at the times damen thought he was being earnest and sweet. that makes damen a victim and fool—two things laurent deeply fears being, and therefore assumes everyone else also fears in themselves. two things the regent had wanted laurent to consider himself, by placing damen in his life in the first place.

therefore, in his insecurity and vulnerability and anger, as a 20 year old just experiencing his first love, as someone with a lot of power and stress who cannot waste time or energy on genuinely confronting his own flaws in good faith, laurent is gearing up to be sososososo mean to damen specifically in the next few chapters. like comedically mean. aimlessly mean. pathetically mean. on purpose. ultimately, if he must be alone (which he obviously must, says laurent's brain), laurent would rather be the villain of someone else’s story than a victim in his own. that, at least, is similar to book 1 laurent—but while he was a cat playing with a mouse in book 1, in a position to do serious damage to his opponent, now he’s more like…. a cat, slapping another cat. evenly matched, but still throwing hands. transparently insecure and pathetic, only effective in doing emotional damage in ways he doesn’t intend. damen isn’t hurt by the petty things laurent says and does, because he sees through them for what they are. he’s hurt because laurent sees them as necessary to protect himself and keep his distance, when all damen wants is to make things okay between them. which laurent would never expect, because he assumes that damen wants nothing to do with him, and would be happier and better off if they stayed apart.

basically: unstoppable force (damen's persistent caring) meets unmovable object (laurent's refusal to be genuinely cared for). the only way for this cycle to end is for damen to choose to stop, or for laurent to choose to yield. laurent will eventually make that choice, but he still has to be a huge bitch about it first. he's going to lash out at damen and challenge him to stop caring, but ultimately fail—both because damen is just built different, and because he's lowkey written as a fantasy partner for emotionally volatile people with attachment and abandonment issues.

rest assured, laurent’s genre is still psychological thriller, but it’s also now a high school drama movie. and damen is about to get a bitter taste of that, with pretty much no choice in the matter. this poor man will have to deal with laurent’s bitchy theatrics as they try to co-parent an army, and he’s already too emotionally invested and aware of laurent’s habit of lashing out when he’s in pain to genuinely fight back.

this could also be called laurent’s s1 catra era, but i’m not sure what the venn diagram of capri and she ra enjoyers looks like. to those who get it—laurent is doing what catra did at princess prom for the next several chapters, down to the “hey adora” = “hello lover.” this dynamic is very fun to read because it doesn’t overstay its welcome. it’s different from laurent in book 1, or catra in general, because it’s so clearly pathetic, damen and laurent are on the same side of the war, and damen could technically make it stop at any point. so i think it’s very very fun, while it lasts >:)

The herald reined in in front of him. Damen looked at the mare’s shiny coat, not dirt-covered, not heaving or darkened with sweat, and then at the herald’s livery, in immaculate condition, unflecked by the dust of the road. He felt it rising at the back of his throat. ‘Where is he?’

damen showed up to the prom laurent planned with him to unite their rival high schools, only to find himself dateless and laurent’s promised fancy party decorations missing. this is the moment where damen checks snapchat (i was in high school from 2013-2017) and sees everyone from vere high at their own immaculately-decorated prom, where laurent is being crowned king. little does damen know, laurent was blindsided by the vere-only prom and forced via social pressure to be there since everyone elected him prom king. they’re mad at each other for a high school drama pacing-typical period of time, and then make up when they realize the misunderstanding and reassert their dedication to each other.

laurent did still murder someone with a chair, though. but like a metal folding chair from the band room

The herald’s back hit the ground. Damen had dragged him bodily from his horse into the dirt, where he lay dazed and winded, with Damen’s knee in his stomach. Damen’s hand was around his neck.

His grip tightened before it opened enough to allow the herald to speak. The herald rolled onto his side and coughed as Damen released him. He pulled something from inside his jacket. Parchment, with two lines on it. You have Charcy. I have Fortaine. He stared at the words, written in familiar, unmistakable handwriting. I’ll receive you at my fort.

lamen hr complaint #5 (unnamed herald): ragdolling this guy over what should be impersonal, professional correspondence

also, because i can't help myself:

Fortaine eclipsed even Ravenel, powerful and beautiful, its towers high-flung, its jutting crenelles biting the sky. It rose to a sheer, impossible height and, from every vantage, it was flying Laurent’s banners. The pennants seemed to float on the air effortlessly, patterned silk in blue and gold.

WELCOME HOME, BROTHER KILLER

Rows upon rows of peaked, coloured tents were pitched on the field outside Fortaine’s walls, the sun lighting the pavilions, the banners, and the silks of a graceful encampment. It was a city of tents, and it camped a fresh, intact force of Laurent’s men, who had not fought and died through the morning. The constructed arrogance of the display was intentional. It said, exquisitely: Did you exert yourself at Charcy? I have been here examining my nails.

this is funny and i wouldn’t put it past laurent, but also i’m not sure if he like. really meant this part of it specifically to piss damen off. he was just tortured idk he probably just wanted things nice. a good part of the fun of lamen divorce era is remembering that damen’s interpretation of events isn’t necessarily accurate, and that it’s hilarious how he interprets things as petty personal slights even when they might not be. they’re both so obsessed with each other and it’s great

Nikandros reined in alongside him. ‘Uncle and nephew are alike. They send other men to do their fighting for them.’

nik tweets this verbatim on priv (#3)

Damen was silent. What he felt in his chest was a hardness like anger. He looked at the elegant silken city and thought about men dying on the field at Charcy.

but not exactly anger—betrayal? heartache? self-consciousness?

Some kind of herald’s greeting party was riding towards them. He gripped the Regent’s bloody, torn banner in his hand.

the phrase “greeting party” just made me imagine them rolling up with like confetti and a speaker blasting the celebration song. while damen holds the bloody torn banner

‘Just me,’ said Damen, and put his heels into his horse. About halfway across the field, he was met by the herald, who arrived with an anxious party of four attendants saying something urgent about protocol. Damen listened to four words of it. ‘Don’t worry,’ said Damen. ‘He’s expecting me.’

lamen hr complaint #6 (more unnamed heralds): disregarding protocol

(also “he’s expecting me” girlllll)

Without even pulling off his gauntlets, he strode to the tent. He knew its high scalloped folds; he knew the starburst pennant. No one stopped him. Not even when he reached the tent and dismissed the soldier at the entrance with a single order: ‘Go.’ He didn’t bother to see if his order was obeyed. The soldier let him through: of course he did; this had all been planned. Laurent was ready for him whether he came docilely behind the herald or, as he did now, the dirt and the sweat of the battle still on him, blood dried in the places where a cursory swipe with a cloth had not reached it. He swept the tent flap back with an arm, and stepped inside.

again i do have to question, beyond the drama, how much of this is as intentional and petty as damen thinks it is. like, the heralds literally cite protocol, damen knows this is the correct way for a camp to be run. i think he is assuming a lot here, although it’s reasonable to do so. we have seen in the past that damen assumes things of laurent that laurent is just like, “uh. not everything i do is on purpose” about, or damen is just WRONG about. i just wonder if damen’s approach here confirms things laurent was worried about (damen thinking poorly of him now that they’re on even ground), further fueling the fire of his rejection-sensitive bitchiness. not that it’s an excuse, or even undeserved, but it’s good to remember that there are two sides to the story.

like to damen, this is an angry post-battle rush of a moment to confront laurent and speak his truth (he doesn’t know laurent knows who he is), but to laurent this is like. post-torture and escape, and basically being thrown into the deep end of vulnerability with damianos and what this all implies to auguste’s memory. we’re not getting the best or most rational version of either of them right now, which is great for the drama but also makes the narration less reliable

This was the place Laurent had chosen.

right. damen thinks laurent chose this place to hear the truth about him, because the “you have charcy” note implies that at some point laurent probably figured out that damen is damianos. therefore laurent chose this occasion for them to meet each other, as they truly are by birth, for the first time. damen just doesn’t know the twist that laurent has always known who he’s been, and has chosen everything else before now with that knowledge too

There were a few furnishings, low seats, cushions, and in the background a trestle table hung with its own coverings, and set with shallow bowls of sugared pears and oranges. As though they were going to nibble at sweetmeats.

the same guy who ordered the “sorry you were given a severed head and discovered a suicide” fruit basket in prince’s gambit had to order a “sorry i gaslighted you for 2 books but not really because you also technically gaslighted me” fruit basket in kings rising

He lifted his gaze from the table to the exquisitely attired figure leaned with a single shoulder against the tent pole, watching him.

lucky number laurent lean #13!

Laurent said, ‘Hello, lover.’

It was not going to be simple.

this being the follow-up line to “hello lover” is such a good combination of funny and tension-building. like laurent’s cunty tableau immediately put out damen’s fiery righteous indignation and now he’s just like “oh this is going to suck.”

He made himself breathe through that. ‘Your men think you’re a coward. Nikandros thinks that you deceived us. That you sent us to Charcy, and left us there to die by your uncle’s sword.’ ‘And is that what you think?’ said Laurent. ‘No.’ Damen said, ‘Nikandros doesn’t know you.’

this is really a testament to pacat’s cleverness, how in chapter 1 there are a lot of moments where it’s almost like damen is directly saying he thinks laurent screwed him over—nikandros and the herald saying it and him not disagreeing, him accepting the reality that laurent is not going to show up—but he never does truly say that he thinks the abandonment was on purpose. because he didn’t, and he doesn’t, which makes sense. but he’s still angry and confused and also just concerned about how laurent is taking the “news” that he’s damianos. how much of damen’s anger about laurent’s composed appearance is projection of his anxiety about laurent seeing him as he truly is, a powerful authority figure in his own right who just won a battle against insane odds?

it’s so ambiguously written that it’s almost like pacat WANTS us to spiral. which i did, and will probably continue to do, so well-played. these books are like evil catnip to anxious overthinking theater people with attachment issues and an interest in understanding complex fictional situations to cope with the fact that real life never makes enough sense. also kinky gays but let's be real that's just a trojan horse for the other stuff

‘And you do.’ Damen looked at the arrangement of Laurent’s weight, the careful way he was holding his body. Laurent’s left hand was still casually resting against the tent pole. Deliberately, he stepped forward, and clasped Laurent’s right shoulder. Nothing, for a moment. Damen tightened his grip, and ground in with his thumb. Harder. He watched Laurent turn ashen. Finally, Laurent said, ‘Stop.’

proving that he knows laurent well enough to pick up from his posture alone exactly where he’s been injured. also they’re both so messy, like let’s put pressure on each other’s literal and figurative wounds instead of just talking about our misconceptions and feelings, awesome

He let go. Laurent had wrenched back and was clutching his shoulder, where the blue of his doublet had darkened. Blood, welling up from some newly bandaged, subterranean place, and Laurent was staring at him, his eyes oddly wide. ‘You wouldn’t break an oath,’ said Damen, past the feeling in his chest. ‘Even to me.’

damen proving to himself, and proving to laurent, that he knows that laurent didn’t screw him over, and instead was injured and failed to show up. laurent is shocked by how quickly damen picked up on this. also ow

He had to force himself back.

he doesn’t want to see laurent in pain, or know that he’s causing it :( which is especially unfortunate given the conversation they’re about to have about damen murdering laurent’s brother

Laurent didn’t answer. He still had a hand clutched to his shoulder, his fingers sticky with blood. Laurent said, ‘Even to you?’

“you wouldn’t break an oath, even to me” (“even to me” being a sort of freudian slip, meaning “i killed your brother, and i’ve known that this whole time and i haven’t told you, and you have a good reason to hate me for that”) “even to you?” (to damen’s incomplete understanding: “well i know who you are now, and if i’d known before i would have broken every oath to you i’ve ever made”)

He made himself look at Laurent. The truth was an awful presence in his chest.

babygirl it’s about to get so much awfuller

He thought of the single night they had spent together. He thought of Laurent, giving himself, dark-eyed and vulnerable, and of the Regent, who knew how to break a man.

damen totally sees laurent as his “victim” right now, set up well by him re-opening laurent’s physical wound. damen fucked this man while knowing that he (damen) killed his (laurent’s) brother, and put trust in him. if they were normal, or this was a normal story, that’s where the confrontation would end. it would be that simple—damen didn’t mean to hurt laurent but still did, and laurent has to forgive him for that, and forgive himself for being fooled—and then it would get tearfully resolved because they love each other so much that it doesn't matter. but they are not normal, and this is not a normal story, so…

Outside, two armies were poised to fight. The moment was here, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He remembered the Regent’s constant suggestion: Bed my nephew. He had done that, wooed him, won him. Charcy, he saw, hadn’t mattered to the Regent. It hadn’t meant anything. The Regent’s real weapon against Laurent had always been Damen himself.

damen thinks the regent’s plan had been to weaken laurent by putting him in circumstances where he’d unknowingly make himself vulnerable with his brother’s killer, triggering him emotionally and destroying his judgment. i'm pretty sure that this was basically his intention, but had also made sure that it would also torture laurent even if he did recognize damen on the spot.

personally i think the regent knew that laurent knew in book 1 through observing his reaction, but had planned for both possibilities in advance. what he hadn't expected, though, was for laurent and damen to start genuinely working together instead of against each other. this happens early as the thing with patras, and really pops off during the botched assassination attempt.

charcy was meant to drive a wedge between them, to correct the regent's previous miscalculation. and given the inevitable truth damen must now reveal, there's nothing he can really do to stop laurent from being upset.

‘I’ve come to tell you who I am.’ Laurent was so keenly familiar, the shade of his hair, the strapped down clothing, the full lips that he held tense or cruelly repressed, the ruthless asceticism, the unbearable blue eyes. ‘I know who you are, Damianos,’ said Laurent. Damen heard it, as the interior of the tent seemed to change, so that all of the objects in it took on a different shape. ‘Did you think,’ said Laurent, ‘I wouldn’t recognise the man who killed my brother?’

the way i YELLED during my first read. i remember even like posting something before, like “oh my god damen just tell him put this poor man out of his misery,” and then after i got to this part i immediately went and deleted that post

Each word was an ice chip. Painful, sharp; a shard. Laurent’s voice was perfectly steady.

do you think he practiced this?

‘I knew in the palace, when they dragged you in front of me,’ said Laurent. The words continued, steady, relentless. ‘I knew in the baths when I ordered you flayed. I knew—’

he definitely practiced this

‘At Ravenel?’ said Damen.

“you knew when you kissed me and let me fuck you????”

‘If you knew,’ said Damen, ‘how could you—’ ‘Let you fuck me?’ His own chest hurt, so that he almost didn’t notice the signs of it in Laurent, the control, the face, pale at any time, now white.

he almost didn’t notice the signs, which means he still totally did. because even now, damen is attentive and caring towards laurent

‘I needed a victory at Charcy. You provided it. It was worth enduring,’ Laurent spoke the terrible, lucid words, ‘your fumbling attentions for that.’

LIARRRRRRR

It hurt so much it took the breath from his throat. ‘You’re lying.’ Damen’s heart was pounding. ‘You’re lying.’ The words were too loud. ‘You thought I was leaving. You practically threw me out.’ He said it, as the realisation blossomed inside him. ‘You knew who I was. You knew who I was the night we made love.’

tbh i think this kind of realization would make me have a panic attack on the spot. also do you think this is the kind of betrayal he’s been trying so hard to avoiding confronting, coming from kastor and jokaste? but here he has no choice to confront it, because laurent is forcing him to understand the depths of the deception. no avoiding it now

He thought of Laurent surrendering, not the first time, but the second, the slower, sweeter time, the tension in him, the way he had— ‘You weren’t making love to a slave, you were making love to me.’

very true, but laurent isn’t ready to deal with it. he can’t keep up the cognitive dissonance in the present, but that doesn’t mean he’s about to accept that it was real in the past. instead he’ll just lash out.

And he couldn’t think that through clearly but he could catch a glimmer of it, a glimmer of the edge of it. ‘I thought you wouldn’t, I thought you’d never—’

OF COURSE damen suspected, at some points, that laurent knew. but this tells us that he’d ultimately dismissed the notion because it would have been insane for laurent to kiss and fuck him, while knowing his real identity. “i thought you wouldn’t, i thought you’d never—“

this is similar to how i thought about it during my first read—i suspected for all of book 1, and some of book 2, but then figured that the story was taking a different direction because how the hell could the plot points of “laurent knows who damen is” and “laurent makes himself vulnerable to damen and does a romance/sex about it” possibly be compatible? laurent, a deeply traumatized and self-protective person, wouldn’t and would never. except i underestimated laurent’s capacity for self-delusion, and overestimated the amount of control he truly has over his emotions and impulses, beneath all the posturing. damen, here, is recognizing that he’s made similar miscalculations, and now he’s seeing laurent as he truly is. they’re both seeing each other, truly, for the first time.

‘Laurent, six years ago, when I fought Auguste, I—’ ‘Don’t you say his name.’ The words were forced out of Laurent. ‘Don’t you ever say his name, you killed my brother.’

i like the simplicity of this. just the plainness of “you killed my brother.” laurent’s language is so often clever and cagey and embellished, but that last sentiment is raw and informal, and what we the reader are probably screaming in our heads. because yeah, holy shit, damen killed laurent’s brother. it’s a pretty hard thing to argue against, or ignore. “you lied to me” “you killed my brother” “you flogged me” “you killed my brother” “you forgot to do the dishes” “you killed my brother”

Laurent was breathing shallowly, almost panting as he spoke, his hands rigid on the edge of the table behind him.

his practiced words are saying one thing, but his body is very obviously having a panic attack. this scene isn’t nearly as much of a laurent mean girl moment as it seemed during a rushed first read. that’s actually kind of a relief to me, bc it made me sad to interpret him as so heartless and unfazed the first time around. even if “hello lover” is an iconic moment, it’s a performance more than anything else. and pacat shows us this sooner than i recalled or first perceived. she’s not torturing us, the reader, as much as she’s torturing both damen and laurent. and it’s not even like a lazy misunderstanding kind of torture, this is genuinely complicated and they’re both in the wrong and they both are justified in this pain and hurt. i just couldn’t see that as well the first time, having binged like all of book 2 already and having no idea what would happen next and honestly just being shocked and betrayed and compelled by the massive mislead with laurent’s awareness of the situation

‘Is that what you want to hear, that I knew who you were and I still let you fuck me, my brother’s killer, who cut him down like an animal on the field?’

you know he doesn’t, laurent, that’s just what you’re telling yourself now that you’re forced to confront it. you started this scene with “hello lover” and your prepared speech, hoping to destroy damen emotionally, but once again you’ve just kinda played yourself. maybe just cool it with the emotional gambits for now, when it comes to damen, bc they only really seem to come back and hurt you (oh fuck he can’t hear me)

‘Shall I ask you how you did it? What he looked like when your sword went in?’ ‘No,’ said Damen.

laurent, shaking, pale, looks like he’s about to pass out: “you bastard, tell me about how you murdered my brother as i think about the fact that i let you fuck me in a similar way, go ahead just make it hurt more”

damen, not a therapist but still emotionally intelligent enough to know this isn’t really about punishing him: no, i don’t think i will. can you like sit down

‘Or shall I tell you about the illusion of the man who gave me good counsel. Who stood by me. Who never lied to me.’ ‘I never lied to you.’

that italicized “i” is interesting. is it an accusation of laurent’s own lying and hypocrisy, or a specification that damen never directly told laurent he wasn’t damianos? given damen’s well-established integrity, i’m guessing it’s the first option. again with the mutual moral arbitration. and damen wouldn’t want to take such a weak a cop-out as “well i never technically said it,” it’s just not typical of his character.

The words were awful in the silence that followed them. ‘“Laurent, I am your slave”?’ said Laurent. He felt the breath forced out from his lungs.

of course laurent takes it as the second option, though, and implies that by swearing himself to laurent and then bedding him damen was directly lying about his identity. because to laurent, damen =/= damianos. a slave can’t be a prince. so damianos, the prince, must have been intentionally lying about being damen, the slave. and that’s actually easier, and less painful, and less complicated to accept than any kind of nuanced alternative.

‘Don’t,’ he said, ‘talk about it like—’ ‘Like?’ ‘Like it was cold-blooded; like I controlled it. Like we didn’t both close our eyes and pretend I was a slave.’ He made himself say the exposing words. ‘I was your slave.’

he’s right. nothing much to add here. damen wasn't just literally laurent's slave, he had devoted himself emotionally as well, and he's admitting it here despite the fact that it makes him vulnerable—something laurent is too much of a (traumatized, understandable) coward to do himself. i love damen's characterization so much

‘There was no slave,’ said Laurent. ‘He never existed. I don’t know what manner of man stands before me now. All I know is that I am facing him for the first time.’ ‘He is here.’ His flesh ached as if he had been prised open. ‘We are the same.’

this gives us some insight to laurent’s actions in book 1—not necessarily excusing them, but making them fit better into what we’ve since learned about his moral code. it ties things together, which isn’t the same as making them simpler or easier to like. pacat is very very VERY good at establishing continuous moral ambiguity in her characters, and does not rush the slow burn of making ends meet. so when she does eventually begin to connect things, it’s satisfying, because it hasn’t been all been spelled out the whole time so readers don’t have to think for themselves. this, in reference to a lot of the series’s more problematic themes, is exactly why i think people end up seeing capri as apologism or glamorization. but by claiming that, i also think they’re exposing themselves as impatient, shallow, and (sorry) simply lazy.

but i don't just want to be reductive and uncharitable, because that would be shallow and lazy too. to be perfectly clear, i honestly can't blame people for disliking this series, and not being willing or able to have patience and understanding for its more problematic elements. this series is marketed as romance/erotica. it started as indulgent kink fic. it ended up evolving into its current state during its development—and i'm really glad it did, but that doesn't change the fact that so much of its marketing and premise imply certain things that it doesn't quite deliver. and if you look up the series today, as it's still being published years after its completion, it's still marketed in a way i find somewhat misleading. to the extent that when i picked it up, it was in an intentional attempt to expand my own horizons—i wanted to challenge myself with indulgent shameless problematic porn/romance, as opposed to the weak-ass "enemies" to lovers running rival bakeries gay romance novels with canva covers that haven't worked for me in the past. the logic was basically, "well, if i don't like romance on that side of the scale, maybe i'll like the opposite extreme, or at least learn more about what i don't like." and i did feel pretty challenged during book 1, to the point that for a while i only kept reading out of morbid curiosity and vague horniness rather than any genuine expectation of depth or satisfying storytelling. it was only around the assassination scene in book 1 that i started to see the book as something capable of more depth and intrigue than just like kinky debauchery, and it pretty much just snowballed from there. and as someone who frequently reads about these dark topics in other genres and contexts, i was familiar enough with the things happening on the page to at least stomach them and push foward.

however, if i was coming at the series from a different place—like if i loved cozy romance and had very little familiarity with reading about these topics—i can see the first book especially being very blindsiding and distressing, and not wanting to engage with it further. that's not laziness, it just means that the book wasn't for me.

and the nuance doesn't end there. one of the things i love most about this series is that, even if i was just looking for shameless slavekink porn and decidedly did not want to rise to the occasion of depth or thematic exploration, i would also walk away unsatisfied. because the truly problematic shit in these books is not shameless at all, and indulgence never comes without a cost. there are a few distasteful moments that make me roll my eyes, and the garden scene definitely prompts a Conversation—but as a whole, i think pacat is very aware of the moral implications of these themes. and i also think she's perfectly aware of the fact that many people get off on them.

this series almost feels like an accidental study of, like, the psychological implications of being a person compelled by dub-con and problematic kink, finding a sort of gratification in situations where those things ar kind of inevitable (like they are for damen in book 1). AND this is made even more complicated and brave by the fact that laurent is, very relevantly, a victim of serious sexual assault. like, as hot as some of the scenes in this book are, i really don't think it makes itself easy for people to just uncritically get themselves off to. it doesn't encourage shame, but it does encourage introspection. and a lot of people simply don't read erotica and romance to introspect. (couldn't be me though. if it isn't clear, i love the laurent of vere "having insane mindfucking sex fully clothed across the room" approach to eroticism).

i feel like it's actually kind of funny that i specifically got here, as a person who almost always reads books that force dark introspection, and assumed that this erotica/romance book would be mindless, but ended up with gestures vaguely instead. for me, coming across this series and realizing what it truly is was an incredibly happy accident. but for others, i completely understand how it could be the exact opposite, and it's not lazy or shallow to realize that you misunderstood what you were getting yourself into and step away.

what is lazy and shallow, though, is to either DNF and review based on those misconceptions, or keep reading simply to fuel your own disdain and discomfort. ultimately, i think that the true error of people who walk into capri wanting shameless porn or untroubling romance is the fact that they keep reading, even when it becomes clear that the book isn't doing that. and then they decide to evaluate the book based on expectations and standards that aren't the ones the author or fans have for the work itself. people seem to take out their anger towards the SUBJECTS of slavery or rape in fiction themselves on capri, rather then the way capri specifically portrays them. either because they fucking stopped reading the book and just wanted to go on a tangent on the topics in general, or hate-read to confirm their own pre-existing bias.

my point is, nobody has to read things that trigger or upset them, and it's okay to just pass on fictional stuff that makes you feel bad or frustrated. aspects of this series made me feel bad and frustrated, even on re-read, but i enjoy the intellectual and emotional exercise of exploring those feelings and better understanding the true meaning and purpose of the art. but there are certain topics in other works of fiction that i'm unwilling to explore, which would cause me to simply stop reading, and if asked for a review i'd just say that i'm not the right person to say. and there have been many times where i've continued reading a book, hoping it would change directions, and ended up just being like, "yeah, that wasn't for me," and moving on.

the exchange "there was no slave, he never existed" "here is here, we are the same" is almost a meta-commentary on the reception of the series as a whole. it would be dishonest to deny how this series started, and some of the themes and subjects it intentionally confronts. you can't say "there was no slave [kink], [it] never existed" because the narrative proceeded to be more of a commentary on kink rather than an uncritical display of it. kink, and dark topics in fiction in general, do all have depth, and while they might not be for everyone, they are for someone. exploring that depth is entirely optional, and i understand why people with certain experiences don't want anything to do with that exploration. but our personal tastes don't change the fact that subjects like slavery and rape exist, and that reality is inseparable from the stories that come from it. ultimately, the choice is whether we're willing to take that specific reality thoughtfully on, or else just walk away.

the people i have the hardest time with are the ones who choose neither of those options. like, what do you even get out of continuing to read something that you're unwilling to explore in good faith, or that you straight-up hate? just read something else. we only have so much time in the day. stop wasting yours, and stop wasting the time of people who actually enjoy the thing with your useless bad-faith criticism. sorry this tangent has totally departed from the chapter itself, but that really is what pisses me off so much about current-day online book culture. like, i'm thinking about all of those smug-looking booktubers making 2 hour videos called "i read [name of book that doesn't appeal to the lowest common denominator of people] so you don't have to." i know how long it takes to read books thoughtfully, and then to write, film, and edit videos. maybe stop wasting your own time and dig into something you love instead, or even try to make your own thing, and just hope that some smug asshole on the internet doesn't decide to do to your work what you've done to other people's work. but no, lazy cynicism and appealing to the easy gimmick of cringe is way more profitable, i guess. and it makes you less vulnerable to people criticizing work that came from your soul, because the work you're creating is completely soulless.

anyway. i wonder what kind of totally normal things damen and laurent are up to in the chapter i'm annotating

‘Kneel then,’ said Laurent. ‘Kiss my boot.’

"if you really are still a slave, even though we both know you’re a king, then do a demeaning slave thing right now"

He looked into Laurent’s excoriating blue eyes. The impossibility of it was like a sharp pain. He couldn’t do it. He could only gaze at Laurent across the distance between them. The words hurt. ‘You’re right. I’m not a slave,’ he said.

can’t indulge in the kink anymore by circumstantial necessity, but i’m sure they’ll find something even weirder to do instead on purpose

‘I am the King.’ He said, ‘I killed your brother. And now I hold your fort.’ As he spoke, Damen drew out a knife. He felt rather than saw all of Laurent’s attention swing to it. The physical signs were small: Laurent’s lips parted, his body tensed. Laurent didn’t look at the knife. He kept his eyes on Damen, who looked right back at him. ‘So you will parley with me as with a king, and you will tell me why you called me here.’ Deliberately, Damen tossed the knife onto the floor of the tent.

okay this is just extra of him, but i mean laurent got to do “hello lover” so damen deserves to be dramatic too as a treat. i also like what this symbolizes, as opposed to their previous knife moments. as defined by their stations, they don’t have a power imbalance anymore, and they don’t have a reason to be enemies. they are a prince and a king, not a master and a slave. they are military allies, teaming up against the regent. any power imbalance and beef they have now is emotional, complicated, and abstract, nothing clear-cut (haha) enough to be represented by an instrument of simple violence like a knife. and damen summarizes this perfectly, in the context of their previous knife moments, by viscerally reminding laurent of those encounters and then just tossing the thing across the room.

honestly, i bet laurent feels jealous of the clever performative gesture. and maybe a little turned on, too, despite the horrors. that’s a fun reversal.

‘Didn’t you know?’ said Laurent. ‘My uncle is in Akielos.’

yeah, he got a really good all-inclusive deal at the akielion sandals resort and needed a vacation after all of the murder and [redacted]

[catras-breakup-song]

how do you feel about the whole "you always wanted more" line that got cut? at first i was wondering why they did that because adora didn't want more until it made me think "huh, what if prime was just running on catra's memories and didn't actually know adora?" but i'm curious as to what you think

OH MY GOD I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED THIS. i am such a sucker for the cut STC script. back in late 2020 & early 2021 i had a twitter layout based on “that little spot on the roof that only they knew about” because S3 is my favorite:

even better, i have another old twitter fancam saved from around that time too that used that screenshot of the script in the beginning. it was by the username yoosene but is now long gone, so i reuploaded it to imgur here (the hands part, i’m going insane…)!

anyway, as for interpretations, it was absolutely to manipulate & guilt-trip adora. i recently saw someone say (i don’t remember where though, sorry) that he was torturing both of them by setting up that nasty fight against both of their wills and had planned to kill catra all along — despite saying he wouldn’t right after she rescued glimmer and was imprisoned for it, in my opinion there was an unspoken “yet” even though he did technically say that word but you know what i mean; “you will be of use to me, and then everyone from your blighted planet, including yourself, will be destroyed.”

that’s the thing about what the show was trying to convey through her stay on prime’s ship via glimmer’s desperate pleas, isn’t it? her illusion of power was only ever temporary. once she no longer had anything of value to serve, what would she be worth? how could she have genuinely believed that he wanted to save her, of all living beings, from the curse of humanity & will of consciousness? what makes one individual different to an omnipotent god compared to countless others across the universe throughout space and time? i truly believe that he was subtly mocking her when he talked of her being “exalted, raised up above the other wretched creatures of [her] home world.”

i was actually trying to find another five by five takes quote about this, because mentioning them is always an obligation for me, but surprisingly i didn't really find anything about how catra had worked her way up to prime's recognized single subordinate (only that moment of reflection afterward, which is just this entire short video), and was under the false impression with a cocky & confident attitude that her position meant something for her safety & survival; i'm mostly referring to this moment:

the horde's the horde...even in space. as long as i'm of value to horde prime, i've got a place in this world. i can work my way up here, just like i did before.

actually y’know what… i’m going to tag @horde-princess because this is starting to dive into religious meta which is like… her whole gimmick thingy. we would be blessed (pun intended) to see your take on this writing that never made it to the show, if you haven’t given it already!

now this is veering too far off from the original point after getting sidetracked. the tone of those quotes in the alternate script is (fake) pity, and horde prime was entertained by the struggles of mere mortals. to make adora a failure of what she represented would surely force her to give up she-ra to him, because what would even be the point anymore of living up to expectations if she couldn’t save catra first & foremost (that’s something that she struggled with since initially leaving the horde over three years ago due to how catra made her feel about supposedly breaking their childhood promise… but it’s a story for another post)?

i don’t doubt that your thought process is at least partially right too though, anon. prime didn’t read adora’s mind thoroughly at any point, so it’s entirely possible that he just read off catra’s intense feelings of abandonment & betrayal. that being said, if he really did see all as he claimed, maybe he was able to recreate an objectively accurate collection of events and knows what really happened and what the intentions behind certain actions were. i also wonder if catra secretly knew deep down that adora’s defection wasn’t directly about her but just couldn’t admit it until she had time to deeply reflect on it during “corridors.”

i’ll leave this messy, unorganized post with an amazingly relevant gif set made by an editor whose work on here i really enjoy:

as i said a long time ago, you just had to be there on november 19th 2020 when that excerpt was released because the hype was crazy!

[eliotlime]

End of September Update

Just as a heads up, I'll be closing my commissions after the first week of October (06/10/2024) just so I can focus on other projects! If you'd like to order a bug from me or get any of my other regular commissions now's a good time to do so!

(Bugstyle | Regular Comms)

I made a really brief post on twitter about what I'm up to but since tumblr supports more text I'll just go into more depth on what projects I'm working on at the moment and general life updates!

I used to write blog posts on wordpress for school and it's just hilarious that I stopped doing that considering it feels like I was born to blog!

In general, I've been trying to crawl out of this very odd mood swing-y state I've been in for the past year. I've been semi-public about it but I graduated with a degree in animation same time last year and have sort of been recovering from the absolute burn out of that as well as watching the animation industry essentially collapse just as I left college.

I'm hoping to get into UI/UX design this coming October and try to piece what little control I have of my life back together. I don't really know what I'm doing to be honest and it feels like I'm just pawing in the dark with a lot of this stuff.

In lighter news I've been trying to get into something I've always wanted to for years which is comics! I'm not sure how much I can speak about it at the moment but I just got into an anthology which is very exciting.

I applied to shortbox last year but didn't get in :( but fingers crossed I'll get in next year! On a related note I've made a Cara profile which I'm using as a comics portfolio and archive.

--

Those of you who've been following me for years know that I've had a webcomic project called, Happenstance (which I've restarted endlessly for about 10 years at this point). While I don't really have a concrete update of that for you guys I will say that the story is more or less fixed and whatever version of it I have now is most likely the version I'll proceed with in the future.

I did try to get the ball rolling with this at the start of the year with a pilot comic but it made me so miserable to work on it I abandoned it and started making an unrelated zine instead haha

I do have plans on finishing this eventually and it'll be up on my itch.io and gumroad like everything else!

Speaking of the zine, I'd just like to thank everyone who purchased Cute Thing! I think for my first independent book project it did pretty well! It was incredibly embarrassing and nerve wrecking to promote it but I'm glad I did it.

I don't know why there's an 18+ warning on this considering this zine is pretty tame.

I guess it also helped that that stupid ass diary comic i made blew up at the same time so I got to shill my wares in relation to it. Even though I think it gave me some kind of psychological damage but every time i gain minor internet fame i shrink back into my shell anyway, this is just the first time i really felt so much.. vitriol from randos lol.

It's just hilarious it overlapped with whatever guilty gear obsession I had at the time as well. Thank you to everyone who stuck around and uh.. sorry! I walk wherever the wind takes me and it's frequently towards my own characters.

But! Speaking of Guilty Gear, I am working on an Abacelsus zine I briefly talked about on twitter a couple months back. The title is sort of pending at the moment and while I did say it might be free as a digital download, I'm probably going to charge a couple of dollars because of how much effort I'm putting into this.

On the plus side that means I'll probably be putting more effort into it! I'm aiming for 24 interior pages of stuff and hoping to release a digital version of it by Halloween 2024!

I'm trying to work on more prints and stickers for conventions as well and I never posted about my convention escapades here all too much but you can check out this instagram post for what I had up the last time I boothed!

That's kind of all for the stuff I'd like to get done within this year but other projects that I'd like to aim to get done by 2025 is a continuation of my Cute Thing zine that I'm aiming to collate by Valentines Day, hehe how romantic.

There's nothing terribly concrete for that at the moment but I do know I want it to have more pages than Cute Thing. It's called My Boy and yes it's named after another Car Seat Headrest song.

I've got a lot of irons in the fire and another iron is that I'm also planning a 4-panel comic series for my band characters that I've posted some pilots about before!

Pretty messy planning but most of my long form stuff looks like this.

A 4-panel comic series is just less intimidating than a fully coloured webcomic series (Happenstance) that I know will be finished decades later. I've also seen a lot of webcomic artists I've beloved just.. abandon their years long project and it's kind of scary to me that will definitely happen to me!!!

--

The long and short of it is that I've got a lot of projects and a majority of it is not making me any money. I'm extremely lucky to be surrounded by people that support my work but it gets hard to just do all of this by yourself with no guarantee that it'll go anywhere.

Patreon's a beast I've tried to tackle but it's kind of an ass of a website to use so I'll probably try to use ko-fi a bit more. I've kind of never really liked the subscription model and really do prefer to launch curated PDFs of my work every few months, but again I'm really just clawing at the dark and grasping at anything I can.

Let's wrap up this long post by mentioning that I might want to give streaming a shot! I used to stream a little when I was a teenager but I'd like to give it another go!

I don't think I'm going to have a dedicated persona or vtuber avatar but a small little png-tuber would be frankly hilarious. Maybe something casual to start of with, it gets pretty lonely spending everyday working on images alone.

--

Thank you for reading! It's an extremely long post to all but say that I'm scared but working on projects still! If you'd like to support me, here's my ko-fi page and while I'm working on getting more stuff on there here's my itchi.io & gumroad as well.

As I mentioned before I'm closing my commissions on the 6th of October to work on my Abacelsus zine so if you'd like to get a bug or any of my regular style commissions now's a good time to do so!

(Bugstyle | Regular Comms)

I'm hoping to make more update posts like these in the future and not psyche myself out every time because they're really good for me to collect my incredibly jumbled thoughts. Thanks again to everyone who's followed, supported or even just looked at my stuff it really means the world.

If you have any questions or just generally want to talk to me about my characters, my DMs and askbox is always open! Any professional enquires can be shot towards me email as well: eliotlime@gmail.com

XOXO, Stay weird!

-Eliot :)

[laauranenn]

I agree with many points in your response especially sugishita/ tsubakino part

So the most jarring part About the absence of Sakura's backstory is that nii himself mentioned he has no framework of sakura's past until now , like he has no idea how to start it, he had clear ideas for the side characters backstories " umemiya & tsubakino" but not for Sakura's , I don't understand how can we say "he is setting up Sakura's backstory" when he still doesn't have clear idea for it

So far there’s 160+ chapters and we still don’t know anything about Sakura’s past. Usually when it comes to main protagonists in manga, it’s the opposite but Sakura is such a mysterious character. He’s a 15-16 year old kid who lives by himself out of town. Who are his parents? Is he an orphan? Did he get abandoned and disowned by his family? It leaves me with so many questions

He gave us so many unnecessary flashbacks during fights. Umemiya ,suzuri, tsubakino and kaji received too much flashbacks and lore , Sakura didn't have any flashbacks except the tight rope in ch 56. Umemiya had an entire arc " chapter 88 to 97" about his past with solo volume cover, i believe Sakura won't receive the same treatment like umemiya

Aside from the lack of Sakura's Lore,also the worldbuilding is so bad where are the police why are these KIDS the police?? hello irresponsible adults?? the world feels so empty , the antagonists are lame , endochika get off so easy.They basically caused a war that got many people injured & traumatized all so Chika could have a fun birthday it’s a lil more fucked up

Glad to hear you agree with my points!!

I didn't actually know that about Nii not having a backstory planned for Sakura! When/where was this said? Not that I don't believe you, I'd just like to see it for myself as well! I haven't looked too much at Nii's official Twitter, mostly because of it not being in English. I really should look through it more huh.,

That definitely changes things though, and it makes me understand your frustration a lot more! Though I think it's typical for authors to not have characters fully planned out when writing? I'm not 100% sure about that, but it sounds right to me. I can't imagine having every character fully planned out. The most we can do is trust that Nii has it all figured out! I've really enjoyed the backstories of other characters and the worldbuilding, so I trust that he's got it handled.

Could you elaborate on your opinion on "unnecessary" flashbacks and lore? For characters like Kaji and Suzuri, the flashbacks give us a clearer idea of the themes the characters portray, as well as give us insight into how they think.

For Kaji, we get his struggle with his anger, as well as the way he dehumanizes himself, and the way he learns to cope with it. We find out more about him as a person, and about his relationships with his vice captains and Hiragi. I think Kaji is an incredibly interesting character, and I enjoyed learning more about him. Though if he isn't a character you care for, I can see why these scenes would feel unnecessary.

Kaji also plays a similar role to Umemiya, where he's someone in the same position as Sakura/ in the position Sakura is aiming for.

(Since Kaji is a grade captain like Sakura.)

I've also seen something about parallels between Kaji and Sakura? Though I haven't looked into that too much.

As for Suzuri, the flashbacks and lore we get for him are important for the fight. Suzuri serves as the primary threat in the Roppo Ichiza arc. He's the person leading Gravel and goes against Tsubakino in the fight. The fight wouldn't be able to play out the same had we received zero backstory or lore for him and the rest of Gravel.

As for the specific chapters, not to hit you with the "Erm, actually!" but the tightrope is ch. 60 I believe? As for Umemiya having chapters 88-97, I'd say 88-92 are more about Furin's history and Endo's war declaration. They include Umemiya since he is the one who united Furin.

Chapters 93-97, however, are about Umemiya. But that is to be expected, considering those chapters are his backstory.

I'm not exactly sure what the solo volume cover thing is about? A lot of the manga covers feature other characters.

It's true, that typically in media we get the backstory of the main character, as well as other relevant info about them fairly early. And this is something that makes Wind Breaker stand out, which I like a lot.

Sakura is mysterious, but I think that's part of the fun! It makes us curious about him, makes us want to learn more! Though I also understand that knowing so little might make it harder to connect with Sakura. It's fun thinking about how he's made his way to Makochi, about where his parents are. He's clearly not got a lot of money at his disposal, if the state of his apartment is anything to go by. But he also owns a phone? Based on how little he's used it (He has no apps, is bad at texting, only has a single contact on his phone), I'd assume someone else got it for him.

If I were to guess, I'd assume he's got the same cold treatment from his parents as he has from the rest of the world. Though a guess is the best I can do on that front.

There is a lack of parents in Wind Breaker though, except like Umemiya's dead ones and Sugishita's absent ones.

The lack of police is an interesting point though! This is also something that I can only make theories and guesses about. The police likely aren't active in Makochi, or if they are, they aren't helpful at all. This post also mentions the lack of police! It's a mix of headcanons and predictions, but I agree with the idea that the police might've left the town after the fights got too out of control.

The lack of police is also why teams like Bofurin and the Roppo Ichiza are left to defend sections of the town. I wouldn't say it's bad worldbuilding, as it shows why there is a need for Bofurin in the first place. The lack of police explains why these kids are defending the town, because nobody else is there to do it for them.

As for the world feeling empty? I don't agree with that. The character backstories, the relationships, the extra pages showing us the menus and layouts of different locations all make the world not feel as dull. The different teams all have their own clothing styles, their own territory and values! It all makes Makochi feel like an interesting location!

I don't think the antagonists are lame, but that's subjective. Endo and Takiishi are some of my favorite characters, the Noroshi in are interesting and I think Keel and Gravel were interesting too! But again, that is purely subjective, something I find interesting might not be interesting to you!

As for Endo and Takiishi getting off too easy? I think that's likely rooted in how Bofurin works. They don't really do the whole "punishment" thing. Hiragi says Bofurin is defensive, not offensive when Sakura asks about getting rid of other teams before they can stir up trouble. Umemiya ends the conflict with Shishitoren by declaring them friends and leaves Choji and Togame to clean up their own mess. And when they tell Sakura they'll accept any punishment he sees fit, he leaves it at telling them to change and not be so lame next time. With Bofurin, losing the fight is already considered punishment enough. They don't stick around to inflict any punishment beyond just the fight on those who have harmed the town.

The whole situation with Endo and Takiishi is also a little more complicated than just giving Takiishi a fun birthday! I'd love to get into that sometime as well!

I'm happy to keep the conversation going! Tell me what you think of what I've said here! I'm also curious on if you have other characters you enjoy other than Sakura! ^_^

[a-for-alice]

What the fuck is Elon doing???

So, i'm a Twitter refugee, and i'm here to give a status report. Just like his wife, Elon is rebranding Twitter to "X". Just, why? What the fuck is his purpose? The fuck is he even doing? Is he reverting back to his edgelord phase where the letter "X" sounded cool even though it absolutely didnt and was cringe as fuck? I'm glad i'm on Tumblr because I can say "Fuck you, Elon, I hope your entire family abandons you and your companies blow up and your shitty emerald mine closes down" without any consequences.

[demyrie]

I started following you on Twitter, and after enough exposure to the things you retweeted, I finally thought "who is this green-haired man with swords and why do I want to hug him?" Now I'm 15 episodes into One Piece, and yes, I love him. Thank you!

My goodness, yes, I have been bitten by the Bug 😩 I'm glad I could inspire you to get started on One Piece, because a) omfg it's so long we're joking about getting Ves to quit her job so we can catch up and b) it's full of motivation and heart-based narratives that I think we all need right now!! It's SOOO GOOOOD.

(Also Blinkers what's your @, I follow you back)

I feel like I should issue an apology to all of my mutuals, here and Twitter, for all the Zoro and Sanji and ZoSan content that I'm flooding them with?? But it's all so beautiful ❤️ full of directionally challenged yet steadfast big himbo swordsmen that you just wANNA HUGGGG

I'm full of immense fuccor that Sanji is my favorite. Like. An emotionally damaged, overcompensating little ball of nerves with a dual performance/abandonment complex? A blond boasting EQUAL POINTS on the Cute and Cunt scales???? Goddamnit.

I'm gonna have to put him in Situations. With Zoro. For my mental health, you understand. And his.

(I explained to my therapist that I'm very busy but also coping really well rn, and part of it was due to the new fandom flutters, and she legit said "cool enjoy the hyperfixation" before we logged off LOLLL I love fandom-informed professionals)

[fscare]

ommg.... found you stuff through sum readingmanga site and it instantly picked! its fuckingg awesoome. its an eye candy and also i have a bonar.. :3

did you abandon the blog or just nothing too sfw to post?/joking.mostly (with tmblr policies its no wonder tbh)

LOL I'm glad you like it. Yeah I dont really have anything SFW to post here anymore so it's kinda dead, I do miss tumblr sometimes though :') I do post on twitter and have a website if you wanna see more stuff, fscare0 and fscare0.com respectively ^_^

[crezz-star]

I WOULD GIVE YOU MY LIFE AND SOUL IF YOU CONTINUE YOU LUFFY ONE SIDED LOVE IDEA FROM TWITTER. AH your pic of his heartbroken face tore my heart out 😭. Zoro telling Luffy that he's too clingy is just so good and sooooo painful.

Like, Luffy 100% has abandonment issues like he's so scared of people leaving him. (I.e. when Ace told him to shut up or stop crying he would do so immediately 😭). So ofc he's doing his best to listen to Zoro no matter how much it hurts, and it must've affirmed his fears/insecurities of getting in Zoro's way. Zoro watching Luffy drift away but he doesnt know what happened or what to do 😭. Maybe Luffy starts doing other things like apologizing when zoro saves him and stops knocking into him. Also jealous zoro in this scenario??? Anyways thanks for reading my ramblings we need more luffy angst!!

✨Kira kira yoho!✨

Hello!

I'm glad it is to your liking!

I want to resume it too! Sadly, I cannot formulate any other scenarios properly that would not make the story cringe. All I have in my mind that is set and fixed for the plot/idea is that Luffy experiences romantic heart break for the first time, that it ruins him bit by bit. Yknow how those science thingies say heartbreak can cause death? Basically Luffy experiences that ( of course it doesnt kill him, just, ruins him so terribly ) He tries to go to other crew mates for the usual hugs but it was not the same like it was with Zoro. Even their fighting gets affected and Luffy becomes more and more reckless, and he's not even aware. Zoro also is just in denial of liking his captain, more like he is UNAWARE that he LOVES Luffy romantically, but seeing Luffy spiral down, he starts to realize. So that's the basic parts of idea I have, I just want really delicious heart wrenching angst. Am I odd for loving angst?

(o′┏▽┓｀o)

Luckily! There is a fic that wrote and expressed the one sided love angst idea i had much better, that i found, Although it is modern AU!!!

On to the next line of the ask, yes! Luffy very much have abandonment issues, I have rambled about that here !

Luffy drifting away and spiraling down and Zoro so clueless and feeling helpless as to whats happening to Luffy. He cares so much for Luffy but he's so in denial of his own feelings and unaware of Luffy's love for him, misunderstanding and miscommunication is always a delicious ingredient for angst.

Thank you for rambling with me! Feel free to share more rambles! 💖

✨Have a sparkling day!✨

[shadowbrightshine]

Being a dsmp fan.

Glad Tommy and Techno were my favorites, and my eyes for most of the events in it. I watched for others, but the main two were them. Ranboo was the third.

I'm still proud of my fic, the one that's still my most popular. I'm glad Tommy got his proper ending. It's so strange to see how much things have changed. I still have my flag, and a hand painted quote from the destruction of l'manburg that my friend made for my birthday. It was a big step forward in my writing career.

I grew up too, Tommy's only a little older than I am, and he's handling things really well. Good luck man.

I'm really disappointed in how some of these people are acting. I don't have Twitter myself so I have to get secondhand news, but it's a mess and I'm just really disappointed, but not surprised. Been on the fence about dream for a while. Not on it now. Sigh.

Good luck out there, everybody. We all grow up, but that doesn't mean we abandon what we loved, or that it makes those things stupid. Appreciate the joy you took in the little things that you were obsessed with from years ago. I wish all of us luck in anything in the future.

Stay safe everyone.

[rifki16]

Tadaima, Okaeri Episode 5 Review

Photo Source: Tadaima, Okaeri Twitter Promotional Twitter Account

A very yummy salmon sashimi that left me feeling weird

I have to confess something yall. I freaked out on Twitter. After the cold open, when Matsuo was at the Fujiyoshi's, I really thought that Matsuo had actually got engaged or married to Yuki. Like, damn bro, I need to see Matsuo and Yuki dating! They looked so perfect and comfortable together ^^

HOWEVER, as I watched the opening scene again, it turned out that the ring that Matsuo had resided on his middle finger NOT the ring finger haha, Gomen nasai to all my Twitter followers or who read that tweet of mine.

I really don't know what it is with Matsuo and his obsession in teasing Hikari about being an older brother. I mean, the interaction about being the older brother started out fine. Then, Matsuo told Hi-chan about all the responsibilities of being the older brother. He could have just said that it was fun yet you just needed to adjust how you behave in order to teach your younger siblings about the world. Matsuo is something else haha

I was so sad when Hi-chan got a mild fever :(. I'm so glad that Hi-chan and Hina-chan have two dads and they agreed to divide up the attention so none felt like they were abandoned. When Ma-chan told Hi-kun that he had done enough, I cried so hard yall. I really don't know that parents could do that.

You know, loving without harming self-growth, providing space emotionally to grow.

When Matsuo was on a call with Ma-chan, Matsuo needed to apologise because he didn't think that his teasing could have made Hi-chan catch a mild fever, I really wanted to tell Yuki to just discipline his man lol.

Okay, I really need to type carefully about the next subtopic as it's something that needs very thorough research and nuanced perspectives, yet I have time to do neither and I really want to just put it out there. Treatment of Women in the Male-dominated Space within Omegasphere

First of all, I was quite pissed off that Hinata didn't get her own banner. I don't know why yet, it could be that maybe Hinata was just born, and her name was also just recently given - as indicated by the fact that when Fujiyoshi-san was on a call with Hiromu, Fujiyoshi-san still asked Hiromu about Hinata's name. It could be that maybe only firstborns were allowed to have a banner like that. It could also be that Fujiyoshi-san was just reinforcing the old tradition and that he didn't really want to put up the banner with Hinata's name.

Secondly, does any of you remember the scene in Modern Family, when Cam was given breakfast on bed by Mitchell? Cam was hysterical because Mitchell made it seem that Cam was the woman in the relationship.

I mean, homosexual relationships are always confronted by this problem, even by those who were supposed to tolerate us; "who's the man in the relationship?" and most of the time they answer said question by inferring from an answer to the question of "who's the top?"

My point is, that these heterosexual normies seem to always insist that we conform to their gender roles in a relationship, even when we are definitely not a heterosexual couple.

The scene of when Hi-chan was wearing the hat and costume which his grandfather bought for him. I really don't get why Ma-chan needed to stay in another room with Hi-chan's grandmother. I mean, as Ma-chan bore Hikari and Hinata, I guess there was no doubt about who the bottom is. But, Ma-chan is still a man and he seems to still identify as one, so why the forced equivalence?

I HAVE TO STRESS THIS ALSO BEING A CALLED A WOMAN IS NOT AN INSULT. I'm not saying that somehow Ma-chan lost his dignity because he got misgendered, or rather treated misgenderedly. I just don't like that Hi-chan's grandparents seem to only see Hi-chan as their grandchildren's baby incubator, and not as a full man who has a womb. It's such a queer erasure to treat Ma-chan as a woman because it means that Fujiyoshi-san really just sees their son marrying a woman, just with different genitalia, instead of seeing and accepting that their son is in a loving and thriving homosexual relationship.

Thirdly, now, this is why I call this episode a yummy sashimi that made me felt very uneasy. When Hi-chan's grandmother gave Ma-chan her kimono, I cried uncontrollably. Ma-chan even got shy when Hiromu saw him in one, that really warmed my heart. I understand that the scene was supposed to highlight how Fujiyoshi-san really saw Ma-chan as one of their family members. But again, there's a part of me who wants to protest making a Kimono as a gift, but I really have no cultural perspectives as to whether a Kimono could be worn by a man too or not.

All in all, watch it yall, it was so cute. Hi-chan saying bye-bye was EVERYTHING

[jessanight]

Hey, I was scrolling through the offical pale beyond twitter account and found these sprites. During my playthroughs I didn't see them at all, so are they possibly unused? And if so are there a lot of unused sprites that didn't end up in the game? Just curious, because the game's art is amazing!

Hey there, good eye @niko-trash!! Thanks so much for asking, but this is probably going to be a longer answer than you anticipated, sorry!

Yes, there are a lot of sprites that went unused in the game. Kurt has the most emotes total I think, and therefore the most unused emotes too - the final count for him is well over 100, he's an expressive man.

Most of the reason why we made too many emotes was that a lot of them were designed before there was a script! We knew early on that we wanted a lot of emotes, and drawing usually takes longer than writing, so we started early. At this point the game design for Pale was more like a true visual novel, and we had yet to add many of the resource management mechanics, so we thought we would have to lean pretty hard on conversation emotes being important for basically everything.

This led to a lot of work being done without the full context of all the scenes that would be in the game. We made our best guesses, but it didn't all end up fitting! In hindsight some of the most effective emotes were the really subtle ones - head tilts, gaze aversions, that sort of thing.

Sometimes scenes that we had conversation emotes for were changed to isometric-only because it felt better for the kind of gameplay that was happening at the time (abandoning ship and Kurt vs Hammond are the ones I can think of off the top of my head)!

Katie (the character artist!) and I ended up going back and editing emotes, or making new ones to fit scenes better once we had them for testing. Most of the emotes that were done post-script were Hunt in the Captain's interviews, and the important conversations with your crew towards the end of the game, in their degraded costumes. We gave a lot of extra special care and attention to Cordell in the dog scene, and to Nutlee's scene in tent-city as well.

I DO have to say though, I don't personally consider the work that wasn't used to have been a waste. When I designed the characters, I did early pose concepts that were really useful for developing the individual characterisations of everyone in the cast. This bank of work was also really useful for helping Katie get used to the style when they joined, so all's well that ends well!

Next time around we'll have more writing done before we dive into emotes though haha. Hopefully we'll be a lil more efficient!

Going to continue with some endgame spoiler stuff under the cut!

To use Hunt as an example, when we first imagined the player meeting him again at the end of the game, he was going to be almost comedically mad, kind of Machiavellian almost.

But when I read the scene in preparation for emoting it, it was totally different. We had always planned to have the fruit mechanic, but now that I had to sit with the context of Hunt having experienced the loss of his crew over and over again, it became much more somber, you're finally taking a peek under the deceptive, jolly mask he had at the start of the game.

This is also the scene where he makes his final judge of your character, and could have to relent to you being a much better person and captain than he, or he might decide he hates you and your rotten soul. It called for a subtler approach. It was one of the last scenes I drew for the game, and I listened to the music over and over as I worked on it.

I think this is a lot better, and I'm glad we changed it.

[iapislazuli]

hii I've followed your wc ramblings on Twitter for a while, and I have a burning question that's been bothering me. So, when Pinestar abandoned his clan, Sunstar only gets 8 lives. Makes sense. Brambleclaw steps down and leader and squirrelstar presumably gets 9 lives? Why? Is it because bramble is a special boy? Is it because he didn't leave the clan? I need to know what you think on this topic. Thank you for your time I love your content.

Hi thank you im glad you like my WC ramblings! I really like picking apart and analyzing the story, its quite fun :)

anyways i do have some thoughts on this! Leader lives and all that. A quick disclaimer is the leader lives thing is frustratingly inconsistent, so i'm theorizing on a bunch of wet spaghetti, bear with me X)

i put this under a cut cause it got so freaking long sooo text wall warning!

First of all we don't really know Squirrelstar's lives situation, nor do we know exactly how many lives Bramble had left when he abdicated, so it's hard to say exactly what the deal is there. Bramble has one confirmed death, but leaders have hid losing their lives before, such as Bluestar, who kept three of her deaths secret due to thistleclaw's ambition. Also, we dont know if the lives are tied to the body or spirit... it's possible ashfur lost some of brambleclaw's lives while posessing his body, and hid it. HOWEVER, for the sake of simplicity here i will be assuming that squilf was granted a full nine lives. (will explain why later)

BUT small tangent.. we really don't know the exact lives situation of Brambleclaw and Squirrelstar!

And... the same could go for Pinestar and Sunstar. Sunstar says he recieved eight lives, but... he blew through them FAST. Who's to say StarClan even gave him any extra lives? we never see any of his extra deaths, only that he lost his final life to dogs after being weakened by illness. (note that it says "weakened" by illness, but doesn't specify he lost any lives to it specifically)

However, if sunstar got no lives, but squirrelstar did, whats the difference? and also, what about nightstar, and tigerstar II, where do they fit into this?

My headcanon is when it comes to these unusual succession situations, it depends on both the former leader AND starclan.

For example, with Brokenstar - He was deposed against his will, and starclan didn't take his lives, therefore Nightstar got none, and Nightstar's successor Tigerstar I got lives presumably because Brokenstar was dead by that time

Pinestar - He left willingly, but had no extra lives for StarClan to take, and he was acting in direct defiance of starclan too

Rowanstar - He left willingly, with an unknown number of lives left. Wether or not he was acting against starclan isn't entirely clear... it's not like pinestar where he disobeyed a direct order. his situation is very strange.

Bramblestar - he left willingly, and starclan approved of his decision

So based on these HIGHLY INCONSISTENT occurrences, ive deduced a few rules ...

In order for a new leader to receive any lives at all, the previous leader must have willingly given up their position and/or their lives, because only one extra-lives cat can exist for each clan. (dying the final time fulfills this automatically, since giving their lives for their clan is an agreement condition to the position of leader. Starclan cannot strip lives from an unwilling leader.

Abdication must be approved by starclan. In Rowanstar and Brambleclaw's cases, they were abdicating primarily for the purpose of bettering their clans, passing them on to a more fit leader. Thus, next leader granted all nine lives

If abdication is NOT approved by starclan, then starclan gets petty and enacts divine punishment. For example, Pinestar's primary motive for abdication was so he could disobey the orders they were giving to kill his son. While he was becoming unfit to lead, he was abdicating mostly out of self-preservation.

so anyways ... to my next point. Brokenstar and Pinestar, though in very different ways, were both defying Starclan's will. (Brokenstar by ultrakilling his dad, Pinestar by deciding they should improve society somewhat). Both their successors, Nightstar and Sunstar, didnt get the full 9 lives. Which, following those rules i made up, means neither of them met the conditions for proper leadership. In Nightstar's case, Brokenstar had remaining lives, but was unwillingly deposed and therefore would not give his lives up. In Pinestar's case, he only had one life left, and chose to live it as a kittypet.

So, id say in the case of lives weirdness, either the former leader is being a little bitch or starclan is being a little bitch. Starclan couldn't give nightstar lives because Brokenstar was like "nuh uh", and for sunstar it was starclan themself going "nuh uh" because pinestar pissed them off. i think they were specifically so mad about pinestar because no other cat has just... hit the bricks like him LMFAOO he really was like "ok.. bye". big slap in the face for all powerful god cats. he left and took the last life and they couldnt do anything about it, besides punish sunstar, warning the other thunderclan cats to fall in line.

But anyways circling back to bramble and squilf!

in brambles case, though there was an element of self preservation to his decision, his main motivation was because he and squilf agreed she would make a stronger leader, and thunderclan was suffering with his wishy-washy shell of a man schtick that he'd been stuck in since TBC. Additionally, with code changes, its pretty clear starclan has become more lenient in recent books. Squirrelflight also is making a selfless decision by stepping up to leadership after everything shes been through.

So in a nutshell i think its because starclan approved of brambleclaw's abdication, since both he and squilf were selflessly motivated, (and also asked starclan for approval GHFDGFKS) while they did NOT approve of Pinestar going ok byeeeee <3

(i also just really like the theory of sunstar not getting any lives ok)

also, i know theres weirdness with wind runner vs tigerheart getting revived and the number of lives they got I SIMPLY WILL IGNORE IT FOR NOW TILL I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET IT TO FIT IN TO THIS IDEA ......

anyways this got super long and rambly sorry its not too organized LOL warrior cats lore y u so messy....