#I'm getting less that 2 hours a sleep each night and barely eat but am somehow feeling the best i've felt in a while

[imnotpayingforurtherapy]

Yes i am crazy

[nyasiaaaaa]

In the Bleak Mid-Winter

Pairing: Thomas Shelby x Fem reader (Nurse)  Fem reader x Arthur ( platonic )

Summary: This is a story about two people who become constants in each others lives, and eventually fall for each. While one learns to love again, the other learns the cost of loving a man like him. 

Word count: 5k

Warnings: Cursing, angst, fluff ,Tommy Shelby, y/n eats ( If I missed anything or you think something should be added please tell me.) Major character death from season 4 episode like 1/2

A/N: part 1 takes place during season two, part 2/3 season 3 and 4/5/6 season 4. This is a Slow burn there will be smut eventually. 

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4   part 5

********************

It's been a year. 

A lot of things have changed since then; you've changed. 

You're not the same person you were a year ago; you're still a nurse and still work in the hospital, but in London now. 

You know the other nurse in hospital like the last, you eat lunch together but never go out. They always ask, but you always have the same excuse. 

It's not like you're lying. You really don't have anyone to watch her, but if you wanted to, you could find someone, but don't. Honestly, though, you prefer the company of a bottle of whiskey over anyone else. 

You also never have the energy to do anything anymore; you wake up throughout the night, then wake up to go to work, come home tired from a 12-hour shift, and go to sleep to do it all over again. 

You barely eat, you barely sleep. 

When you look in the mirror, you're just a hollow version of yourself, like you don't have control over your body. You're just sitting back as it goes through the motions, as someone else controls you. 

She's not the only reason you can't sleep; if she's not waking you up because of her screams, you're waking yourself up with your own. 

These nightmares are so haunting that most times, after you wake up, you just stay up. 

And that's where you're at now, waking up from a dream like every other night. 

You thrash around in your bed and suddenly wake up coughing as you grab hold of your throat. You get up from your bed, covered in sweat, and walk downstairs to the kitchen, rubbing your chest as you catch your breath. 

You walk around the corner to the kitchen and instantly jump when you see someone sitting at your table in the dark. The old you would've freaked, grabbed your gun and threatened them.

But you now couldn't care less; you just grabbed two glasses and a bottle of whiskey off the drink table. You bring it over and set it down, pouring the whiskey into each cup, filling it halfway, and then sliding one over to your companion. 

You then sit down and take a swing of your drink before reaching for your pack of cigarettes. 

"Want one," you ask, holding a cig out to them.

They take it, and you pull out one more for yourself; you then strike up a match, reaching towards them to light theirs first; once they got closer to the flame, it became clear who was sitting at this table with you. 

You light the cigarette, then pull the match to light your own; you take a drag, hold it in, and then blow it out. You do this action a couple more times, and neither of you says a word as you smoke; you both just sit there in silence. 

You finish up your cig, put it out in the ashtray, then proceed  to light another. Again, you smoke in silence, but this time, as you're almost finished with your cig, you speak up. 

"I thought you would've sent Micheal," You say as you reach to ash your cig in the ashtray.

He finishes up his cig, putting it out before responding to you. "He was busy," he shrugs. 

"'M honestly, I would've preferred Micheal." You put your cig out and then took a sip of your drink.

"Well, looks like you're out of luck 'cause I'm here." 

"Yes, you are; please do tell me why it is that you're here after all this time." 

"We got served a black hand," he spoke with such seriousness, but you were confused. 

"Ok, am I supposed to know what that means or what it has to do with me" 

He took a deep breath and said, "We have to tighten house. We killed one of theirs way back, and now they're coming to get even." 

You pursed your lips and turned your head to the side, slightly shrugging your shoulders. "And what does that have to do with me." 

"They killed John." 

"May he rest in peace? "even though you didn't mean for it to, it had come out more like a question than a statement. 

"But again, what does this have to do with me," you asked

He let out a dry laugh, licking his lips, then got up and got in your face. He took hold of your wrist and bent down to your height. 

"Because the Italian Mafia doesn't care if you don't fuck with me, they are going to kill everyone that has ever spoken to me, anyone who's ever been close to me to hurt me to break me down before killing me."

Even though he tried to seem calm and collected, you couldn't see it in his eyes or face, but you could hear it in his voice. 

He was hurting. 

You ripped your wrist from his grip and stood up, moving closer to him and getting in his face. 

"Well, Tommy, it seems like you have a real problem on your hands; best of luck to you." You smiled at him, then stood up and began to walk away

Suddenly, you were pushed against the wall and turned to face him. 

"Look, I—"his speech was cut short once he heard a cry coming from upstairs; his eyes darted down to you, his head tilted as he looked at you. 

"Tommy, I-"you start but stop once Tommy pushes off you.

You tried to get past him to go up the steps first, but he pulled out a gun on you and pushed you back into the kitchen. He slowly took a step back as you took steps forward.

"Do it, Do it, Tommy. Be a man. Do it," You said as you walked forward; you held your head high as you spoke so there was no room for doubt on Tommy's part. 

He looked at you, puzzled, then shut the door in your face. You immediately rushed to the door, but it was too late. He locked it. You tightened your grip on the door knob as you jiggled it relentlessly, 

"Tommy…. Fuck— Tommy, please" You were starting to panic; you had to get to her first. 

You dashed over to the drawers and started to throw everything out and slam it shut as you moved on to the next one. The key was in one of these drawers; it had to be you had remembered putting it in here you—

You found it in the last drawer; you ran over to the door but slipped on the things you had thrown on the floor and fell on your back, making the key fall out of your hand. You hop on your knees, ignoring the pain in your back that grew with every move you made as you searched the now messy floor for the key; you can already barely see because of the darkness, but the tears that start to build only make it worse. 

Your hand brushed against something sharp, and you turned your head in its direction as you stretched your hand out again, patting it around. Your hand instantly comes in contact with the cold metal key. You grab it, rushing to the door. You try to place the key in the door, but it keeps brushing past the hole. 

You stopped, took a deep breath, and tried again, and despite your shaking hand, you were able to place the key in and unlock the door. As soon as the door opens, you ran up the step to her room. 

It's too late. 

You walk into the room and see Tommy holding your daughter in his hands. 

Without thinking, you say, "She's not yours." 

It's a lie, you know it, and so does he. Anyone could see from a mile away that she was his, and it's not like she looked like him or you even; she was still too young to look like anyone. But she had those eyes, the same eyes her father had. 

You look up at Tommy and know you are in trouble. He had just met her, and already he was in love. He was already hell-bent on taking you with him, but now that he knew of her, there was no way he was letting y'all go. 

You're about to speak up but get cut off by some men behind you.

"We're here, Mr.Shebly. What do you want us to do?" 

You didn't turn around to see if you knew the men; you just kept your eyes forced ahead on Tommy. 

"Pack up the house, everything; we'll go through it later and see what we want." He barely spoke above a whisper and never looked up as he slowly rocked your baby back and forth. 

"Oi sir and your car is ready when you are." 

"Thank you, curly." 

They left, leaving you and Tommy alone. 

You opened your mouth to speak but didn't know what to say, so you stood there like a gaping fish as you struggled to find words. 

"It doesn't matter what you say; tonight, you will leave here with me, and so will the baby. You can put up a fight, but we will drug you if we must." The way he spoke, you knew he meant it; there would not be a fight, you couldn't take on Tommy, let alone all the men downstairs.

 So you just nodded your head, ok. 

Satisfied with your answer, he proceeded to exit the room but then stopped and turned towards you. 

"What's her name," he asks. 

"Ruby" 

"Ruby," He whispers, "Hi. Ruby, grab what you want and meet me in the car," He says, then leaves and goes downstairs. 

You want to cry, tear the room to pieces, throw a fit, and just sit there and cry. But you can't, so you make yourself and your daughter a travel bag, packing only what you need and leaving the rest for the guys to pack up. 

You finish packing and head upstairs; you walk past the men packing up your kitchen and head straight for the car. Once you're outside, you see a man waiting for you by the backseat door; he opens it for you as you approach it. You walk up to him, handing off your luggage, giving him a smile, and thanking him before sliding in next to Tommy, who's still holding your daughter tight to his chest. 

The driver places your stuff in the trunk, runs over to the driver's side, and hops in, wasting no time. He takes off instantly, driving to a destination unknown to you. 

 You glance over at Tommy, who is still in awe at seeing your daughter. You don't even try to take your baby away from Tommy, knowing that he will hold her as long as he can. 

So you sit there staring out the window, saying goodbye to the place you've called home for the past year, and try not to cry.

************************

For a long time, you were confused; you knew this wasn't the way to Tommy's house. It was east, and you had been heading west. You were about to ask where you were going, but then you started to recognize your surroundings, the shops you've walked past hundreds if not thousands of times. You even saw some people you knew past patients. 

You were back in Birmingham. 

Soon after you cross the line into Birmingham, it doesn't take long for you to reach your destination; you pull up next to many small townhomes. 

 Before you  get the chance, your door is opened for you, thanking the driver as you step out and observe your surroundings.  

"Where are we, Tommy," you ask. 

"We're home," he says simply, then starts making his way into one of the homes. 

You follow closely behind him as he steps into the house; you take in your new surroundings as you follow him; there are steps directly in front of you and a living room to your right that leads Into a kitchen. As soon as you step into the living room following Tommy, you're greeted by a maid who cut you off as you are about to ask Tommy another question. 

"Welcome back, Mr. Shebly. I set Charlie down for a nap upstairs a few minutes ago and just put dinner in the oven. Do you need anything else from me before I go" 

"No, Mary, that will be all thank you."

"It's not a problem, Mr.Shelby," she said, then went to leave but suddenly stopped at the door. "Oh, and I've had a bassinet put upstairs per your request." She gave both of you a tight smile, shutting the door as she exits, leaving you and Tommy alone. 

Tommy doesn't say a word as he turns away from you and walks upstairs; you're about to start looking around when a knock comes at the door. You get to the front to open it and is greeted by the driver, who has your bags in hand. You reach out, taking them from his hands and setting them to the side before giving him a smile. 

"Thank you so much; hold on, let me find my purse to pay you," you say as you step away from him in search of your bags.

The driver quickly stops you in your tracks when he calls after you using a name you've never heard associated with you. 

"Oi, that's quite alright, Mrs.Shebly; Tommy pays me good," he said, giving you a smile, then shuts the door before you could even correct him. 

"Ok," you say yourself as you shrug it off; you turn around just in time to see Tommy walking down the step, and you notice that your daughter is no longer in his hand. You assumed he must've put her down upstairs in the crib Mary set up. 

Once he gets down the steps, he immediately makes his way toward the Living room. He sits down in one of the chairs, and you decide to take a seat across from him. 

He pulls out his pack of cigs, offers you one, which you accept, and then takes one for himself. His lights yours first, then his own. You take a couple drags of your cig, then begin asking him a million questions you have swimming around in your head. 

"How long do we have to stay here," you ask as you blow out smoke and then take another drag. 

He shrugs his shoulders as he waves his hand around in no particular manner, "for however long it takes." 

You press your lips tightly and roll your eyes; you take a deep breath and let it out as you speak again, "Are we staying here with you."

"Yeah" 

"Is it safe?" 

"Yeah, you will have two guards stationed outside 24/7." 

"And where will you be?" 

"Out" 

"So Tommy, let me get this straight: I'm supposed to stay here for who knows how long, under constant surveillance from your men, and I'm assuming I'm not allowed to leave." You paused, waiting for an answer, to which he gave you a slight nod back. "Right, so basically, I'm a prisoner; I'm your prisoner. I'm not ok with that, Tommy. I-" 

Arthur suddenly burst through your door, calling out for Tommy. 

"Oi Tommy, I- "Arthur paused once his eyes landed on you; a big smile slowly crept up his face as he started making his way towards you.

"Sista, it's good to see you," Arthur said as he hugged you, picking you up slightly. 

"It's good to see you too...... I'm so sorry about John," you said as you hugged him back, and you were being honest. You didn't miss anything from your old life, but Arthur. After all the years, y'all were around each other. He truly started to feel like the brother you never had. 

Arthur pulled back from you slightly and looked you in the eyes; you gave him a tight smile, then pulled him back closer and hugged him tighter. 

Arthur pulled back again as he asked you a question, "Oi, I heard I had a niece. Where she." 

Before you were able to answer his question, Tommy interrupted you. 

"Are you two finished yet" You heard Tommy ask from behind you, making Arthur drop you. 

"Sorry, Tommy," he chuckled as he stepped further from you. "There's been an incident down at the boat house; we need you down there." 

"Thank you, Arthur; I'll meet you outside," Tommy said, then went into the kitchen to gather his things. 

Arthur gave you a small smile and whispered a quick bye before heading outside. 

You turn to face Tommy, who is putting on his coat; you see his collar sticking up, so you go over to him to help him fix it. You grab onto the jacket and pull him in close to you. 

"When will you be back?" You ask as you pat down his collar.

"When I'm finished" 

"That's not cool, Tommy; we have things we need to talk about." You grab on his collar and tighten. 

He gave you a look that you could only describe as assumed, then pulled you off him, holding your wrist in his hands. 

"And we will when I get back," he said, dropping your wrist and walking away. He suddenly stopped and turned around to face you. "Watch Charlie for me," He said with a tight smile, then reached for the door. 

You are so fed up with his bullshit that you pick up the first thing your hands touched and throw it at him. 

"Fuck you, Tommy" You screamed at him as the glass cup left your hands. 

Your aim is ass, so the cup smashed against the wall next to him, missing him by a couple feet. But still, it stopped him in his tracks; he stood there for a second, then turned around to face you, gave you a smug smile, then said

"You already did love." 

He quickly went to the door, leaving you there standing there stunned. 

You're so mad at him for coming into your life (again), picking you up, and dragging you into his mess (again). He constantly treats you like gum on the bottom of his shoe, and you're tired of it. 

You have this anger building up inside you; you're so mad, so you do the only thing you can think of. 

You scream.

You stand there and scream; you yell out towards the ceiling; you scream till your lungs start to burn. And then you collapse onto the floor. 

How did you end up here again? You thought you finally got away from this life. 

Before you had a chance to wallow in your self-pity, you heard a cry come from upstairs. You get slowly and make your way up the narrow stairs. Once you get upstairs, you notice there are only two rooms upstairs, one the bathroom and the other the bedroom. 

You enter the bedroom and see Charlie still fast asleep on the bed, the only bed, you might add. Your baby cried from her bassinet, and you went over, picking her up and rocked her  back and forth in her arms. She must've heard your scream and got startled. You were really loud; you're shocked that Charlie didn't wake up. 

You were able to get her back to sleep quite quickly; you placed her back in her bassinet and walked out the door back downstairs. 

As you walked down the steps, you started to sniff the air around you; it smelled like something was burning. 

You took off sprinting towards the kitchen once you remembered the dinner Mary said she had placed in the oven. You yanked the oven open and reached in to take the pan out. 

You jump back, saying a million curse words as you immediately pull your thumb in your mouth. You are so out of it that you forgot an oven mitt. You suck on your thumb for a couple of more seconds as you glance around the kitchen till your eyes land on the oven mitt. You grab them off the counter, head back to the oven, and pull the pot, placing it on the top of the stove. 

You open the pot, and to your surprise, it's a chicken roast dinner, and it's not that burnt, only a bit; really, it just looks extra crispy. 

You place the top back on and glance down at the clock next to the stove; it's barely a quarter past three. 

You decide to let the meal cool down, you get your bag from the door, and put it up where you see best upstairs. 

After you finished unpacking what you had on hand, you pre-made a couple of bottles for your daughter and then joined Charlie in the bed for a little nap after scooting him over a bit. 

That boy sleeps wild.

***********************

You felt yourself being shaken back and forth softly as if it was too hard for the person to push you. You open your eyes slowly and squint as they try to adjust to the dark; you look around the room in search of the person who worked you up, and soon, your eyes land on the smaller version of Thomas Shelby. 

The little boy turned his head to the side as she looked at you curiously. 

You sat up on your elbows and took a quick glance over to the clock next to you; it was seven on the dot. You turned back and looked over at Charlie, who was still looking at you.

"Yes, Charlie," you asked. 

"I'm hungry; where, Da," he asked, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. 

"He's out right now; I'm here. Is that ok," you asked; he nodded slowly in response.

"Ok, good, I have some food downstairs for you; we just have to get the baby up and well go, ok." 

"Baby?"

"Yeah, come look." You stood up, grabbed him, placed him on your hip, and showed him the baby below. 

"Who that" 

You thought about your answer before you responded to him. You didn't see the harm in telling him the truth, so you said, "She's your sister; her name is Ruby." 

He turned up to look at you so quick that you thought he gave himself whiplash. 

"My sista," he gasped and then tried to reach down to touch her.

"Yep, but wait, be careful, I'll put you down, and I'll grab her and show you." 

You put him down softly and then pick up your little girl; she begins to stir as you gently pick her up. You turned to see Charlie sitting waiting patiently with his feet swinging off the side of the bed. 

You sat down next to him and turned your body to face him; he glanced down at the baby, up at you, and down at the baby again. 

"Wow!" He said, then jumped down from the bed and took hold of your hand.

"Come on, me and baby hungry," he said, leading you downstairs. 

Once you got downstairs, you had him sit at the small table in the kitchen, and you kept Ruby in your arms as you fixed him a plate and then yourself. You warmed both plates on the stove and grabbed a pre-made bottle from the fridge while you waited. 

You sat down next to Charlie and offered him a proposition: "You want to feed her with me." 

He shook his head up and down so fast and tried to reach out to her. 

You pulled away from him slightly. "Wait, I'll hold her, and you hold the bottle, ok?"

He nodded and waited for you to give him the bottle; you showed him how to hold the bottle at an angle best for the baby and then let him take over. 

He reached over you slightly as he held the bottle to Ruby, and she took it instantly, drinking fast. 

After she was finished, you took her back upstairs to sleep; when you came back down, your food was finished warming, so you took both your plates out and cut up the food for him before handing it to him. 

Together, y'all both sat at the table and ate in silence.

"Are you my new ma" 

The piece of chicken you placed in your mouth instantly went down the wrong pipe, and you started to cough, your eyes began to water as your chest tightened. You reach for your glass of water on the table as you beat against your chest. 

As you drank your water, you glanced over at Charlie, who had started playing with his food. You cleared your throat a couple of times as you rubbed against it and drank more water, then set the cut back down next to your plate. 

You smack your lips against your teeth as you begin to speak. "Umm, w-what makes you uhhh what makes you say that." 

Charlie shrugged his causal shoulders, still glancing down at his food. "You're staying here with me and da; you sleep in the same bed as me and da and your baby’s ma." 

You tilted your head to the side, a puzzled look dancing across your face; you leaned down closer to Charlie and asked him a question, "You're four right." 

"Yep," he said, popping a piece of chicken in his mouth. 

"Um, yeah, no, Charlie, I'm not your "new" ma, and if I was, I wouldn't be your new ma, just another one, ok. Cause you ma Grace will always be your ma." 

He didn't say anything back to you, just nodded back slowly; it was clear that he was full now and probably was sleepy again. You assumed that you both had a long day of travel and these significant changes would take a second to get used to. 

You took both plates away, deciding that you were also finished eating; you quickly cleaned the plates and placed them in the drying rack. After you put the pot of food in the fridge, you pick Charlie up, take him upstairs with you. 

By the time your foot hit the last step, Charlie was somehow fast asleep; you brought him into the bedroom and carefully placed him down in the middle of the bed. You grab the covers, bring them over his body, and tuck him in slightly. 

After you check on your baby and find her still fast asleep. You decide to go back downstairs and sit in the living room to wait for Tommy; he should be home soon; he has been gone for hours now. Whatever he had to work on should be done by now……. Right?

.

.

.

You feel your oxygen supply getting cut off, and you start to struggle to breathe; you try to turn your head but to no avail because whatever's is on top of you is keeping you in place.

You begin to panic as you realize that you are asleep and have to force yourself away to be able to deal with whatever is keeping you from breathing. 

You feel your fingers begin twitching, then your eyes, and finally, after what seems like forever, you're able to open your eyes.

You squint your eyes as you try to help them adjust to the darkness, but it's still pitch black; you soon realize that the reason you can't see isn't because it's dark but because something lays on top of you. 

You lift your hand cautiously as you slowly lift Charlie's body off your head and back into the middle.

You lay there for a second as you try to catch your breath, then slowly, you sit up to check on your daughter, seeing as she has yet to wake you for a bottle tonight. You take a quick peek over into her bassinet. 

She's not there. 

You quickly shoot up in a panic, thinking your eyes are playing jokes on you, but once you get closer to the bassinet, you can confirm that she is not in there. 

You try to take deep to calm yourself down, but it gets caught in your throat as you slowly begin to spiral, and your mind starts to race with a million questions.

Where is she?

How could I not hear someone take her? 

When did I get up here? 

.

.

.

Wait, you pause for a second and try to think back to tonight. You didn't get in the bed. You remember waiting on the couch for Tommy; you must've fallen asleep, but how did you get up here?

Your head quickly pans over your shoulder, and in the bed next to Charlie, you see Tommy and your daughter lying on his chest and a half-empty bottle on the nightstand next to him. 

Relief floods your body as you slowly sit back down on the bed; you look back over at Tommy. The sight before you is truly something; if Tommy wasn't the devil reincarnated, it might make your heart swell. But instead, you're sitting there contemplating whether or not to get her off him and place her back in her bed. 

She seems fine, and there isn't much room for her or Tommy to roll around plus the risk of having to deal with her waking up in a sour mood if you move her isn't something you feel like doing right now. 

You lay back in bed next to Charlie, deciding to leave them be. 

As you fall back to sleep, instead of counting sheep, you tell yourself repeatedly.

That this is just for now and that

Thomas Shelby is in your past and not your future. 

***********************

Tag list:

@thhriller@macchiadinchiostro @naevisct @johnmurphys-sass @fannibalsrule @mysticalbouquetwolf-posts @sis7890

I apologize if y/n having a kid is a huge turn-off for some people, mainly because there isn't any warning, and we're so deep into the story. I wanted it to be a surprise, but again, I'm sorry. Also, this isn't the last part. There are two more, and then that's it; I broke it down because I felt like having everything In one or two parts would've made it seem like Y/n and Tommy's end result would become too quick and not in a organic way. Also, I've been told this story gives dead doves don't cry or something like that; it's not, I promise, a happy end or as happy as person can be with Thomas Shelby. Anyways, thanks for reading. The story should be finished and fully uploaded all parts by Friday, Feb 9th.

P.S: I can't tell if this chapter is shitty or not I was just trying to get it out for yall so I'm sorry if it is.

[irismfrost]

August 13/14 - Last Day

Today, I unfortunately didn't really do much. I was going to go to one of the places some of the other travelers went but it was a 3 hour train trip to get there and I wasn't going to be ready for that. I also did not sleep well. The nasty train station bento box was not enough food for dinner - figures. So I woke up in the middle of the night with a hungry headache. So I tried to eat what little food I could find and drink some water and lay down until I felt good enough to sleep. And by the time morning came around, it was back so I made my way to hotel breakfast. Again, I'm so glad I bought that. Then I went back to sleep because I was still so tired after getting about 5 hours for the past 2 nights. Then I got lunch at this place that is supposed to be healthy and have good ingredients and the ions in the air are supposed to heal you. The vibe was in between a rock store and a whole foods but with more mid food. But I ate it all. And then went back to doing nothing.

Then I thought that I should at least try to explore. I've barely bought any trinkets here. So I went to try the ferris wheel that I've been staring at outside my hotel window for the last few days. It is located inside a mall, which I thought was strange but after further thought, it made sense. You could see the whole city which was nice and I spotted my hotel (I think). I got dinner at the mall and it was a sit down place. You order from the tablet and so I Google Translated each page and a lot of the time, the translations are a bit off, so I don't put a lot of stock in them; I mostly use it to get a general idea of what it is and make sure there is no meat. And looking back, boiled whitebait and cod roe may not have been the right choice for me, but that's the pasta I ended up deciding on. I felt like I was eating my guppies. This place had pasta with the toppings and you pour your choice of their "famous" broth over the top (comes in a little tea kettle). They also have a tofu bar with what I assume is their "famous" homemade tofu. It was also pretty good and I think the other vegetarian girl on our trip @thenotsosecretdiaryofbiyu would have loved it. I also got these rice cakes for dessert and it was okay. It was literally sweat rice and beans with a mochi-like topping with flavor. I had a feeling it wouldn't be my cup of tea when I ordered it, but I thought it would be good for me to try something that is supposed to be a traditional dessert. I am trying to like the foods here (and Taiwan), and I think that I may have gone too far outside my comfort zone this time, but I am so ready to just make my own food.

The weather here is nicer than what it will be in Florida when I get back. Taiwan was hotter and reminded me more of a hotter and more humid south Florida. Japan reminds me of north Florida/ Georgia. And they have similar latitudes so that makes sense.

The Osaka airport once again is a mess. I am having an issue checking into my flight with a different airline after I get to the states, but I got all 3 of my boarding passes when I checked my luggage. Everything about the airport makes me paranoid but I have made it past the multiple layers of security. After checking my bag, I went through security. They only check your boarding pass at this point, not your passport. My bag got flagged, but I was okay. Then I went through an additional layer of security. This was to check your passport and your picture scan and it was all through a machine. Then you are safe. There were less food places throughout - they were really only at the entrance of the gate. It's interesting to people watch at the airport. I saw this one guy with a haircut that looked like someone found a patch of grass and just plopped it on the top of a shaved head. A lot of the dudes here have what I think is a perm that's brushed out and looks scraggly but textured and I think it's just the "look". It's not a good one.

The South Korean Airport (ICN) had a layer of security even for transfers. I've never had an international layover before, so maybe this is normal. You went through the security checkpoint where they scanned your bags and they also scanned your passport here. They also have no vegetarian food at this airport. I found an egg sandwich - the bread was sweet and I didn't like it. I searched this entire airport for a meal and probably walked a mile with my duffel bag. I passed a Starbucks at one point and may have to go back before my flight and see if they have any food for me. Everything has pork in it. And I can't get vegetarian meals on my flight because I was supposed to do that 24 hours in advance but it wasn't a part of the online check in; I was supposed to call but can't make international calls without charges so I was doomed from the start. So, I'm hoping my protein bar and whatever food I can find in this airport before boarding starts will hold me over until Seattle. Unless they happen to have a vegetarian option on the flight anyways, which happened on the flight to Taiwan, so there's hope. I think the flight attendants will help me though, I'm not too worried.

As I was finishing my scrapbook and packing up my things, I am happy that I'm here but also happy to leave. I've had quite the time on this side of the world and so many unique experiences that will stay with me forever. I'm just so grateful for this opportunity. Our professor (Yeh laoshi) and Chief created a great program for the first time and went through a political nightmare to make this happen and Peter was the best tour guide I could've asked for. My experience wouldn't be possible without them, and my classmates of course. My participation on trip to Taiwan, and by extension Japan, was really due to a stroke of luck, some spontaneity, and having the necessary resources to go through with it. I definitely regret some of my purchases and wish I had spent my money elsewhere LOL, but at the end of the day it's the memories that matter more. Iris signing off ✌🏻

[ashisstrange]

MASTERLIST

ʷᵒʳᵈˢ: ².²ᵏ

ᵖᵃⁱʳⁱⁿᵍ: ᶜʰⁱˡᵈᵉ ˣ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ

ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵗᵃᵍˢ: ʰᵘʳᵗ/ᶜᵒᵐᶠᵒʳᵗ, ˢˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵃⁿᵍˢᵗ, ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ ⁱⁿˢᵉʳᵗ, ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵍⁱᵛᵉ ʰⁱᵐ ᵃ ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏ ᵃˡʳᵉᵃᵈʸ

✥﹤┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈﹥✥

Its late in the night, far too late for your liking. The moon is glistening in the sky with it's stars, providing a small sheen of light in your dark room, passing through the curtains. It's not unusual for Tartaglia to get home late considering his occupation, but you never got used to the worry pooling in ur gut each hour that passes without him by your side.

What if he's gotten incredibly hurt and you're not there to help? What if one day he doesn't return home? Nontheless you always prepare extra dinner and make the bed, even on nights he doesn't return. You never had the idea of coming home to loving arms and warm dinner as a kid, so it felt as if it's your duty to make sure Tartaglia never suffers that feeling.

The feeling of a stab in the chest as you enter the dark house, eerily silent. You'd always pad your way to the kitchen silently and snag a sandwich before going to bed in your room. Your living situation had never been inherently bad, but the people you lived with, the people any other person would've called their parents, seemed to make everything unbearable.

That is why when you turned 18 you moved out to Liyue harbor, and your close friend Zhongli was there every step of the way. You had run into him once during a trip at the age of 16, and you had kept contact through letters ever since.

The man, at the time, told you he was 23, but he never really seemed to age. You brushed it off, probably overthinking it. That is the same person that introduced you to Childe, it was quite a sudden occurence, but you'll be forever grateful.

You needed a place to stay and your friend told you that his friend wouldnt mind a roommate, and that he was rarely found home anyways. You took up the offer, not knowing that your roommate would be one of the fatui harbingers.

You were off to a rocky start, the man refusing to talk to you the very few times he was at the appartment. Later though, he seemed to warm up to you, ever so slowly.

You don't remember how your relationship ever came to be, it's not like you've ever explicitly put a label to it. There was just a moment where you felt as if everything changed. What you had wasn't just merely a romantic relationship, it was more than that. To provide each other comfort and love like no one else had ever done before. Unconditional love that didnt seem to falter, even during the moments where you parted ways.

You smile to yourself, remeniscing the days you barely talked, and the days you spent helping him when he was wounded. There was one particular night he just crashed into your bed in the middle of the night, even though he usually only used the couch.

He had clung to you as if you were his only lifeline, sleeping soundlessly as you laid in shock. The shock died down after a few seconds though, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. Not long after you fell asleep too, and since that night Tartaglia had never slept on the couch ever again.

You check th clock. 4:37 Am, way too late to be up, but it's not like you'd sleep regardless. You'd probably get an ear full from Zhongli during your scheduled lunch the next day, but that, folks, is something for future you to deal with.

Suddenly you heard the turning of keys in a lock, and a door opening and slamming shut. That can only be one person. Then you heard a crash coming from the living room, making you shoot up. You slipped on your slippers as you quickly shuffled your way across the room and out into the living room.

You flicked on the light and were met by Tartaglia, slumped against the back of the couch. His bow was discarded to the side and he was breathing heavily. Sluggishly, his eyes opened to meet yours, his gaze seemed distant, almost empty.

You snapped out of your trance, rushing to pull his arm over your shoulder. You managed to drag him across the living room, over to the bathroom, settling him down on the closed lid of the toilet. You held up your hands, as if to say 'wait here'. You didn't dare break the silence that hung over you, scared that you'd set him off or something.

He didn't seem to protest, so you left to go get the med kit from the kitchen, and a clean rag to clean off the blood splattered across his skin. Was it his? That was a question that, regardless if you could guess the answer, would be left unanswered. As always.

He met your eyes when you returned, seeking for some contact. He knew how much you hated blood. The stickyness, the sickening smell and the thought of what must have happened that involved getting covered in blood. You always helped him regardless, and he thanked you dearly for that. After a long day he simply could not do it himself.

It makes him feel helpless, but you're always right by his side to make him feel better. You wet the rag, cleaning off his calloused hands. His face too had some traces of blood, but those were easily wiped away as well.

After some emergency stitches and a bandage around his bicep you motioned for him to stand up, letting him know that the treatment was done. He was still quite weak, but not as much as before.

"Thanks," he croaked, the first words you shared in 2 days. His voice sounded devoid of any confidence. He seemed very fragile, but you didn't comment it.

"No worries," You send him a reassuring smile, helping him get up and over to the bedroom. You see him visibly relax once he's in bed, snuggling into the sheets. He immediately rolls over towards you when he feels the matress dip, wrapping his arms around your waist.

His face is buried in between your shoulder blades, and it's nearly impossible for you to turn over and look at him. He only does that when he's in a bad mood, and you stop putting in effort to try and face him.

"Bad day?" He hums, the vibrations thrumming against your back. He seems tense, but you're careful not to trigger him too much. The last thing you want is to stress him out even more, knowing he has a lot on his plate already.

After a while, when you've started nodding away assuming he fell asleep you suddenly feel movement behind you. You open your eyes as you hear a small sniffle. It's almost as if you could hear your hart shatter from beneath your ribs. He probably thought you were asleep too.

His arms had relaxed, allowing you to turn around easily. His ocean blue eyes met yours, big with surprise, even though they seemed almost grey-ish in the faint moonlight. All you could do is smile at him as you opened his arms, for him to rely on you.

And that's exactly what he did. qHe fell into your chest, sniffling and crying freely as you drew patterns on his back, your other hand running through his hair. You could almost feel his clogged nose by the way he was having trouble breathing. After a bit his sobbing eased down to mere sniffles as you handed him a handkerchief to blow out his nose.

He used to have a lot of trouble with that, relying on people. Upon meeting him he imediately sparked you as the type of person that didnt bother anyone with his personal feelings, bottling them up for only him to experience. You could see how it physically and mentally ate away at him

That's why one day you faced him, and opened your arms. He had quirked up a brow, confused at what you were insinuating. "Rely on me." You said, and he chuckled, assuming it was a joke.

When you didn't move he realised you weren't kidding. Eventually you wrapped your arms around him, the man tense in your grip. "You don't seem to want to bug anyone else with your problems, so you can rely on me instead,"

You had no idea ho much those words had meant to him, they stuck by him like gum under a shoe. It felt good, he admitted, to have someone to rely on.

"I'm so sorry," He croaks, and he sounds nearly as small as he did in the bathroom half an hour ago, his eyes red with tears. Seeing him like that made your chest clench in pain, knowing the pain the world has caused him.

"There's nothing for you to apologise for," he seems to be taken aback by your comment, maybe even... offended?

"N-no way, i'm clearly a burden to you and a waste of yo-" you shut him up by pressing a kiss to his lips, making his eyes widen.

"You have nothing to apologize for because i am here for you, willingly. I promised to help you with whatever you're going through didn't i," He nods in defeat, leaning back into you. The way he cuddles up to you almost seems domestic, forgetting the fact that he kills people for a living.

"You need to take a break sweetie, otherwise you'll just keep eating yourself up," You stroke a lock of hair out of his face that nearly seemed glued by the stickyness of his tears. He furrows his brows, creating deep creases in between them.

"You know i can't, there's way too much for me to do," He looks up at you, as if he's offended you brought it up in the first place. You press your thumb in between his brows, easing up the crease and stopping him from furrowing.

"We both know it isn't a crime to take a week off, considering you've never used your days off," He tries to butt in, but you shush him before he can start. "And before you start about 'your duties', there's enough harbingers at the fatui, it's not like they can't send Scaramouche to deal with your business for a bit,"

He frowns again, but you resume in stroking his hair. "Besides, if they don't allow you to take off, which i highly doubt, they'll have me to deal with," You smirk. His eyes crinkle up as he musters a small smile. You're not the most intimidating person on the planet, but it's the sentiment that matters.

"What would i even do in that week though," he huffs, fiddling with the back of your shirt as he seems deep in thought.

"Well i had just the idea," you chuckle as he looks at you in disbelief. His eyes are still a bleary red, but you can tell he's a lot less tense than earlier. "And that is..." He continues, his tone ever so curious.

"Say, how long has it been since you've been back home," he visibly tenses up, not meeting your eyes. You know its a sensetive topic, but it'd really do him good to go back home to see his family.

"I dont know, nearly two years," his voice is merely above a whisper, bless the fact that the room is so silent you'd be able to hear a pin drop. You adjust your position so that he's laying against you more comfortably, going back to stroking through his hair.

"Well i thought we could book it to shnezhynaiya for a week or two, spend some time with your family," He lays still against you, as if he'd break if he moved. "After all, they've only heard about me through letters," you chuckle.

You hold him a little tighter, leaning into the warmth. "Wouldn't you like that?" You say in his ear, just above a whisper. That seems to break him, the realisation dawning on him that he'd get to see his family again.  Tears run down his face once again, only this time they're not caused by distress. He nods as he buries his face back into your shoulder.

You stroke his back as you continue talking about your trip, soothing him. Later, when he's stopped crying, he talks along. He tells you about his parents, about how his mother used to be there for him through everything. About how he used to go ice fishing with his father in the winters, and proudly mention he caught a very big fish once.

He also tells you about his siblings, about how he cares for every single one of them very dearly. He also tells you about the spots he wants to visit with you he used to hang out at.

He tells you all about it, and for the first time in a while you see him smile. Really, genuinely smile. The kind of smile where his eyes crinkle up and he bares his teeth. It's an incredibly endearing sight, and u make a mental note to never forget it.

Suddenly he yawns. "You must be exhausted," you chuckle as you both adjust your positions, ready to fall asleep. He only hums as he keeps his eyes shut, pulling up his blanket. His breathing evens out as he falls asleep.

You smile as you look at his resting face, snuggling closer to him as you think; god, how did i get this lucky

[missmentelle]

Hello So i'm about to move from my parents house into an aprtment with my best friend and her friend as roomates. Do you've got any tips on how to make sure we won't get into huge fights, learning how to be responisble with the bugdet and getting to know her friend more? I am really stressed out about it but there's no going back now

It can definitely be nerve-wracking to live with people you aren’t related to for the first time, whether you are moving in with friends, your partner, or random roommates off the internet. I’ve lived with many, many people over the years - most of them strangers I found online - and the best advice I can give you to make the experience more pleasant is to set ground rules and boundaries early, and to make sure that everyone is on the same page. Even close friends can have very different expectations when it comes to sharing a living space, and the big things that you’ll probably want to figure out are:

Shared expenses. Are common staples like margarine, ketchup, salt, dish soap, toilet paper and cooking oil going to be shared by the entire household, or does everyone have to buy their own? If you are sharing stuff, can one person decide to just go buy stuff that’s running low and ask for reimbursement, or do you all need to agree in advance? My roommates and I used to keep a communal list on the fridge that one person would use to make our monthly Costco run, and we’d all just pay one-third of whatever the total ended up being. You might prefer a similar approach, or you might just take turns paying - ie “I bought the last pack of toilet paper, now you buy the next one”. It depends on your budget, and how good your housemates are about holding up their end of the bargain. If you are on a smaller budget than others, or if one roommate tends to use more than their fair share, it might be less of a headache if everyone just buys their own stuff. It’s also important to figure out how rent and bills will be paid - whose name are they in? Are you paying rent with three separate cheques, or is one person writing a cheque for the whole rent? If one person is writing a cheque, when do you need to give them your portion of the rent each month?

Shared household items and appliances. If everyone has brought some kitchen items - cups, mugs, plates, etc - into the household, is every item totally up for grabs, or are there any special items (like a favourite mug or expensive blender) that not everyone is allowed to use? How is fridge and pantry space going to be divided? Are everyone’s items just put into the cupboards together, or do you each get a cupboard for the things you individually own? Does anyone have any allergies or dietary restrictions - like Kosher or Halal requirements - that make it important for other people to not use their dishes? My roommates and I always put our kitchen stuff together in a jumble and just went with it, but I have friends with strict Kosher roommates who cannot share any kitchenware at all. Will you all chip in to buy shared items like a couch and coffee table, or will one person buy the item and own it by themselves? 

Chore schedule. Different people have different standards of cleanliness, and it’s important to figure out how often cleaning should be done so that no one feels like they’re living in a hovel. How quickly should people be doing their dishes - as soon as they’ve finished cooking? Within 24 hours? Or will you eat together and take turns washing dishes? How often will non-daily chores - like mopping the floors, cleaning the shower stall, and cleaning the oven - be done, and who will do them? My roommates and I used to block out 2-3 hours every Sunday as “cleaning time” when we would all deep-clean the apartment together, but you might prefer to have assigned individual chores that you can do on your own time. 

Guest policy. Overnight guests and partners are probably one of the biggest sources of tension in a roommate relationship. Namely, how long can you have a guest stay in the apartment with you before they need to start chipping in with the bills? Do you need to give the other roommates advance notice before a guest comes to stay for a while? How many days out of the month can someone’s partner stay over before they effectively become part of the household and need to pitch in with bills and chores? Is it even okay if someone’s partner is staying over constantly, or are you not cool with that at all? Are roommates allowed to give their partners a key to the apartment, or does everyone in the apartment need to be on board before that can happen? My roommates and I had a lot of long-term guests in our tiny Manhattan apartment, but that only went smoothly because everyone was 100% okay with having long-term guests, and we had a hard limit on how many days someone could stay out of the month before they needed to start putting money in our “toilet paper and dish soap” fund. 

Shower schedule. If everyone in the apartment is working on a similar Monday-Friday, 9-5 schedule (which is less likely to be the case these days, but still), it’s important to work out a basic schedule for who gets to shower when in the mornings. There is nothing that will make you want to flip out on your roommate quite like being late for work because they took a 45-minute shower when you needed to get ready. If you don’t each have your own ensuite bathroom, figure out who gets the bathroom when in the mornings, or decide who is going to shower at night to avoid conflict. 

Quiet hours. At what hours of the day is it inconsiderate for a roommate to be making noise or watching TV in common areas while people are trying to sleep? The answer may depend on the layout of the apartment, your individual work schedules, and how sensitive everyone is to noise. If you have roommates that work nights or are working from home during the day and need quiet for their conference calls, that’s something else to keep in mind. 

Breaking the lease. What happens if something comes up, and one person needs to leave before the lease is over? How much notice do they need to give the other roommates? Is it the departing roommate’s responsibility to find someone to take over their bedroom, or would the remaining roommates rather choose who they are living with? If you all pitched in to make a big purchase together - like a couch or a kitchen table - how will that work if one person leaves the lease? And how will the damage deposit be handled? The majority of leases I’ve been on have not had all the original roommates stay until the end, and it was important to plan for that in advance so that no one felt like they’d been tricked into living with someone new that they never agreed to live with. 

Above all, the secret to living with roommates is to communicate, and to try to be as considerate of others as you can. The way that you live and manage your finances directly affects your roommates’ quality of life, and everyone needs to put in some serious effort to make sure that everyone gets to enjoy the living space that they are paying for. The money stuff is especially important - talk to your roommates ahead of time about what costs you will be sharing and what costs you won’t, and make sure that you are setting aside the money you need for shared expenses each month so that no one is left holding the bag. And be sure to speak up if other roommates aren’t respecting your needs either - the occasional dirty coffee cup left in the sink or wine spilled on the rug is just a part of life and probably not worth fighting over, but if someone is consistently neglecting their chores, making huge messes, making lots of noise at night or failing to pay their fair share of household expenses, that’s a situation that you need to speak up about, so that you can all try to find a way to resolve the issue. Living with a friend, roommate or partner is all about finding a balance between accommodating other people and sticking up for yourself, and it’s a balance that will be become easier with time. 

It’s also important to find time to just enjoy hanging out with your roommates. Yes, living with other people can be scary and stressful, and there may be times when you’re ready to scream because someone ate your ice cream without permission and no one remembered to buy more toilet paper, but there will also be good times, especially if you are living with someone you are already friends with. Some of the best memories of my early 20s were just from hanging out with my roommates - like the time that we got drunk on cheap wine and painted some silly paintings because we couldn’t afford to decorate the apartment properly, or the time we got a huge box of breakfast food from the local diner and stayed up all night watching Game of Thrones, or the time we had to spend all day taking all our IKEA furniture apart in the lobby and carrying it up to our walk-up piece by piece because none of us could lift the boxes, and we barely made it up the stairs because we were laughing so hard. Being young and kind of broke and living with your friends can be a very fun time in your life, and it’s important to enjoy it - hang out together, do silly things, enjoy making mistakes because none of you have any real idea what you’re doing. Just because you have financial responsibilities and a chore chart doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun.  Best of luck to you! Miss Mentelle

[thejosh1980]

Little Wing

(Trigger warning: animal/pet death)

Today, right now, I am sat at the spot where Mijo felt his last sunrise, just 24 hours ago.

He was 28 weeks old, he spent 20 of those weeks with me, and my family. He was my family. He was thrust upon me by my wife and mum, who knew Mijo would be the kind of birthday present I'd want, but could never ask for.

When he arrived he was unexpected. Straight from the car, into my bedroom, onto my lap, what a surprise, it was love at first sight. Those eyes, that tail, that round belly, the fur, I was all in. I had to say goodbye to 4 beautiful pets whom I loved dearly when I left Germany, so then and there I made a quiet, whisper promise to Mijo;

“I'll never ever leave you”...

We began like any other Daddy and cat story, playing, eating, talking to each other. We may have made a few messes on the bed learning to potty train, but I couldn't really fault him, he was perfect. He loved cuddles, got under our feet all the time, talked to us a lot and wanted to be a part of everything happening around the house.

He meowed very loudly too. Sometimes he'd meow from the next room sounding lost and worried. That's when I started to realized something was very different about him. It took about 2 weeks, but then I realized, he was totally deaf!!!! No vacuum cleaner, loud bangs, claps, or door slams could get his attention. When he meowed loudly, it was either because he had to, to feel himself meowing in his head, or he was missing us and could smell us, but not hear us in the next room. I had never had a cat who couldn't hear me call their name, so this was going to be a challenge.

Mijo accepted that challenge...

In a short time I figured out how to clicker train him, using a torch. I love training cats. Most folks think it's impossible, but I've taught cats to fetch, sit and come on command in the past.... So, pretty soon I had him jumping up, over and across chairs and tables on cue. I also learnt a way to “call” him; assuming he could see me, if I knelt down and tapped my leg, he'd come a running. Every time. We had it all figured out.

Grab a harness and a lead, and off we go, walking around the garden. This wasn't a cat, this was a dog. He had very little fear, I mean, he couldn't even hear the birds making a racket or the car driving by or the dog barking next door. He was fixated on me.

I bought him a blow up boat, to use in the pool, to help him get used to floating on water. It was a huge boat for his little size, but he'd hop in, and I'd “treat” him while he got used to the motion. The plan was to build him up to a real boat, or canoe or SUP. I could imagine him walking on water.

He was also great with other cats, so I could take him to visit his cousin and they'd play all day (if we'd let them). He'd come with me to visit other family and then... well, then the real adventures started. Mijo and I could go to the river, the park and the beach. We also went for coffee at the busiest part in the local village, and he took it all in his stride. We took bike rides too, as he sat in a special backpack I had for him. I could hold him while skateboarding or put him on my shoulder as I walked around. He was chill, happy to see and smell his silent world.

When Alex or I came home, and he'd be in the bedroom snoozing or gazing out the window, we could come in, take off our shoes, put our stuff down, maybe run to the loo, then we could snuggle up with him, cause he hadn't heard us arrive. He would just be waiting... He'd just wait for someone to step close enough, blow on his ear, feel a vibration and then he'd meow a big BIG hello, purr and snuggle. He was a no pressure cat... But always ready for hugs and pats.

Besides being deaf, he just didn't seem like any other cat I'd had or even met...

But isn't the way it is with all pets? They're all unique.

He loved Alex. He always had a hard decision between my lap and hers, or sleeping close to one or the other. We had a son to take care of, to love and to enjoy. At the beginning, Alex wasn't sure about having a cat, she'd pretty much always been a dog person, but it didn't take long for Mijo to wrap her around his little paw. She was hooked.

We thought he was going to be grow up to become a big boy. You know, Maine Coon sized 5-6 or maybe 7 kilo. We had high hopes for a dog-like cat, big enough to take on the world. We wanted to show him the world too.

After he had his snip (desexing) in mid March, he wasn't very well, and it really traumatized all of us, we just weren't sure why he took it so badly. He was in a lot of pain, even though the operation itself was quick and really good, with no issues. He would spend the day, in his “bread loaf” position, with his nose to the ground. It was like he was conserving all his energy for when we came home or wanted his attention.

Eventually, after a few weeks he bounced back, back to being his usual self, for a while. He actually lost a lot of fur during this time, most likely due to a reaction to the antibiotics and pain killers. Where his collar and harness were, he lost all his hair. It only took a few days, a bit too quick to realize what was going on, he rarely wore the collar or harness after that. It meant we sometimes lost him in the house without his bell on to tell which room he was in, so I'd be running around turning on and off the lights to get his attention and a meow.

It was our fun game of “Mijo Polo”.

We had noticed he wasn't eating as much, and he wasn't as playful. In fact, all his toys were being ignored, and he rarely chased anything we teased him with. When we took him for playtime with his cousin, he wouldn't last as long play fighting. Something was up, we thought he'd bounce back by now.

Overall, he was a very chilled cat, having just had an operation and now with, ringworm, a tooth problem (one adult tooth was causing him problems and needed to be pulled) maybe that was why he wasn't too interested in food. Surely it wasn't bacteria, an infection or a virus in his blood.

In early May, Mijo developed ringworm, which, by the way, isn't a worm but rather a fungal infection. The vet already had us on anti fungal cream day and night. It's very unusual to get ringworm; it's all around us, but a strong immune system, actually, a decent immune system, would fight off any infection naturally. Cats generally just lick it all off their fur. Humans sometimes get it, from a scratch or a wound. It's in the soil, it's in the air.

When we got the treatment for the ringworm, we also gave him an appetite stimulant, to encourage him to eat, but it made little difference. As nothing changed, we went back to the vet a few days later, and did a hypothyroidism test; the results were borderline.

What could be going on?

At the time of his desexing operation, he was 1.7 kilos, a week later he was down to 1.5 and eventually 1.45 kilo. His body was growing a little, but his muscle and fat wasn't.

We talked to the vet and decided, even though his ringworm was infectious, the tooth had to go, sooner rather than later. It seemed logical that it was his biggest barrier to fulfilling his dietary requirements and his well being. We wanted him fattening up, growing up, and being his usual self again, ASAP. We needed to get him back on track towards good health, enough was enough.

On Monday 17th May I dropped the little guy off at the vet for the day. A check up and a tooth pull.

Before any cat gets an anesthetic, they run a simple blood test to determine if the cat is well enough. During the day we got a call that the operation couldn't happen, and that he'd have to stay in over night or longer, with meds to help him, because his red cell blood count was low. 10%. Most cats need around 40%, if there's any complication with the tooth pull, his blood may not clot.

It's official, he was very unwell.

I was at school when I got the news. I was in shock. Our little boy was that unwell? But he does eat (a little), he does walk on the lead with me, he's eating his treats... was he that unwell?

Suddenly we had to decide on some expensive tests to figure out what was wrong with him. I mean, the red blood cells were being eaten up by the white ones, but why?? We arranged the suggested tests and they kept him in over night.

I was very distraught. How can my little guy be so unwell yet behave well? With that blood count, he shouldn't be able to walk, he should be so lethargic that he can't keep his head up!! He should be in a coma.

All in all, theoretically, he should be dead.

So was it dwarfism, hypothyroidism, mycoplasma??? And and and?? Tests... Blood being taken.. Our boy in the vet over night, alone, worried, scared??? Will he make it through the night? I didn't sleep well...

On Tuesday afternoon the vet let us bring him home. His blood level was down to 9.1%. The idea was that, at least at home he'd have cuddles and love, and that might help his immune system. He was lethargic but not completely terrible. I would need to bring him in on Wednesday for another blood test, to see how he was doing.

On Wednesday, it didn't go well, Mijo had gone from 9 to 8.1% blood level. It was now becoming almost impossible to get any blood out of him. I saw how difficult it was 2 weeks earlier when he had the hypothyroid test, they had to try on both legs and his neck to get a half mil of blood! He was a champ and barely complained. But now, I couldn't imagine the pain he went through with even less blood.

He's been that sick for how long?? Why hadn't we noticed?

We were panicking.

The vet suggested we meet with a mature, more experienced doc, on Thursday. We should be able to figure something out, we had to. Each day = less blood = more chance of...

Well, I am a hopeful guy. I realize, I live on hope. I spent years hoping certain people in my life would change, or love me in a way that I feel some love. I always hope things will change for the better. I don't know why, but it's ingrained in me to feel hopelessness or hope... I think I'm never in the middle... or is that called acceptance? OK, maybe I do feel that too, eventually... But it takes a long long time...

I have videos of Mijo on Thursday 20th, he's cleaning himself in the sun, meowing and purring, happy to see me, walking around the garden with me. Full of life and adventure.

At lunch time, Mijo and I go to the vet. He is his usual cute self, always curious at the vets, and now there's a the new guy he's meeting, what an adventure.

Before he opens the cat box he said something along the lines of “Well, because his blood levels are so low, today is really about deciding if he goes to heaven or not...” I'm not sure, but I know I heard words like “heaven” and “euthanasia” early on in the consultation. Shock was setting in. I barely heard anything else he said, luckily we had Alex on the speaker phone.

Turns out, not only is our little guy deaf, he's an anomaly.

Any cat with 8.1% should be comatose. They should barely be able to walk. They certainly can't pee or poo without help and don't drink or eat much. Mijo came out of his box and sniffed around, was alert and ready to meet the new guy!!

The vet was stumped. He had never seen this before, in over 30 years...

We didn't know he was so sick, because, he was, overall, a well behaved cat. His weight he lost, sure, but he was now at least stable. He was eating, it just took a lot of creativity sometimes to spark his interest (mostly warming up meals and giving him treats).

The vet tried to explain to me, but I'm sure Alex on the phone understood it clearly, that we had very little time, well, no time. We had 3 choices that day. Go to a specialist an hour's drive away, give Mijo steroids and hope he had mycoplasma or Immune mediated hemolytic anemia (IMHA) or, lastly, euthanasia.

Wait???? What does that even mean??

The specialist would give him a blood transfusion, and some special custom drugs which should help him. The vet said it could cost in the 10s of thousands, and may help Mijo for a few weeks, but it's not a solution that we are sure would be long term or not.

Giving Mijo steroids would give him a fighting chance, or not... Basically it could cure or kill him. Because we aren't sure what is the cause of the low blood count, it could be IMHA, mycoplasma or something else, but it's a best educated guess at this rate. If it is the wrong choice, he may die quicker than expected.

Euthanasia, no explanation needed.

We decided on steroids. According to the vet, there was a 50/50 chance it would work. If the cause of the blood cells killing off each other was for or against steroids, we'd know soon enough. Still shocked I tried to understand it all. I'm so grateful Alex was on the line and knows this stuff through experience and study.

The idea of taking Mijo an hour's drive north to the specialist, to a cubicle, a place where we may not be with him 24/7, on the off chance that he wouldn't make it and die alone, we couldn't fathom that.

Mijo took the steroid injection like a champ, he always did injections well. He was given some antibiotics to also help. The vet said, that by Saturday we'll know if it was the right decision. We'd know if he would be getting better...

It was decided that on Monday 24th we'd go back in for a blood test to actually see if the steroids were working (cause apparently one can't really tell with Mijo's behavior, the cheeky monkey).

Mijo and I came home, and well, he ate, he was purring, sitting on my lap. The usual deal. When I went out to get the washing in, he tried to go out too, something we, as parents, have been very protective about. He doesn't go out alone, he doesn't go out without a lead or a bell. He's not an easy cat to find if he runs off, not that he has ever tried. He deaf, he can't hear cars or other dangers out there.

I promised him I'd take him out to that side of the house/garden that afternoon...

So we did, we went out, we sat down, he explored. He was well, good, better, best. He was my boy. He trusted me, I trusted him. I'm always amazed how well he walks by my side, like a dog, with loose leash... Taking my steps as cues when to walk, and when to stop.

We also met the neighbor's dog, which was a first, both were not really interested in each other... But still, Mijo knew there's a lot to live for...

Overnight he went great... Woke up with him on my chest relaxing waiting for me to get up and feed him, luckily I have a wife who had to get up for work at that moment. I remember she sang him a lullaby and held him like a baby. It was really sweet to see how much love they had for each other. Rock-a-bye Mijo...

We wanted to him feel as much love as we could. We felt that, if the steroids and antibiotics were doing their part, and we did ours, there's nothing he can't beat. And he sure felt the love...

I held him while doing some singing exercises, close to my chest. It was something we hadn't done before, and he purred. He'd look up and meow every time I stopped making vibrations. He felt it, I felt it, it was a connection.

We spent a lot of time, reading, relaxing and sitting on laps. Alex and I cuddled him, told him we loved him. He was really fighting. He was eating. He was a little more playful than in recent weeks. He wanted to live. We could feel it...

He went from eating half a packet to 1.5 packets a day, plus dry food. He always wanted treats, and I was always glad to oblige.

By Saturday he was wonder cat! Kneading... Purring... Chasing toys... Eager to hang out...

We'd overcome the problem! He was getting better. There's fight, love and life left in him. He was amazing. If it hadn't been for his ringworm (which was also healing very very well) I'd say he was perfect, especially once he put on another few grams...

We had 4 awesome days, loads of energy and love. He was never alone in the house, and rarely alone in a room. We wanted him to know, to feel, that we loved him so deeply and that all we want was him in our life, for adventures and cuddles.

On Monday morning, his appetite went down... He didn't really eat much...

We all left for the day, work and school. I think we were all worried, but he'd been so good and improved so so much, that we were sure he'd be fine. We have the blood test booked for the afternoon, I'm sure he'll pep up by then. The injection could be wearing off too...

Mijo and I went in to the vet, and his test came back at 14%!!! Damn, that's 6 points!! The vet expected 3 to be a big improvement. In fact, if he had 3 or less, euthanasia may have been the only option... Happy days! He was well. He's going to live! He'll be fine.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we are in the right direction.

All that love we lavished on him, not just in the past days, but the past 4 months. The adventures, the friends he'd made (both human and animal) the smells and sights he'd seen, the vibrations he felt, it was all coming together... He was a fighter with a lot of love to give...

We were over joyed. Really, I couldn't have been happier when I got the results. I gave a “whoop” and threw my fist in the air (I've never done that before in my life!).

We changed to tablet form steroids, as they'll be better long term, keep up the antibiotics and off we go...

But we all know, that often people and animals, when they know they are dying, they give it one last shot. And that was it... We didn't realize until Wednesday, that he wasn't actually going to get better...

Mijo stopped grooming himself, he slowly ate less and less... He became more and more lethargic, he started to sit in the “bread loaf” position with his nose on the ground, as he did after the snip, resting. We thought it was the change in steroids, and as I was at school and the girls at work, we just kept thinking he'd pep up eventually.

When I left for school Wednesday morning, he was alert, but lethargic. When I came home early to check on him, he had really changed again.

His belly was a little bloated, but he had hardly eaten. He had trouble walking, it seemed like it was a mix of muscle degradation/pain and confusion. His meowing changed to a high pitch cry, similar to that of a young kitten. He also stopped eating, he wouldn't even touch any of his tasty treats. He searched for any bit of sun to stand in, but he was looking so uncomfortable, his posture had changed, half sitting, half standing. I was grateful, when I carried him to his water bowl, that he drank a lot. He also went to the toilet, I held his tail so he didn't make a mess on himself.

We spent the afternoon outside, as the sun started to set. He loved the sun, I wanted him to feel warmth... I held him, talked to him. I don't know now many times I asked him to please hold on, please fight and that I loved him. He looked more comfortable in the sun.

I did film us walking around the pool. I am forever grateful for technology, so that I could just put my phone down, touch a button and record a moment. As we walked and talked, oblivious to the camera, I recognized a change in his breathing... I may have missed it previously, but for sure, his breath was becoming more and more labored. Every 3 or 4 breaths, he just had to try harder... His eyes were changing too... But I was sure he could recognize me, the way the vibrations from my chest reached his body and the way I smell. He would react from time to time, shifting or clawing at me.

He often touched my chest with his paw. Reaching out...

Mum and I went to the vet late Wednesday afternoon, the earliest we could. I explained it must be the change of steroids. No, it wasn't. They were the same type, it was just that he wasn't able to fight anymore. We discussed the specialist, called them and made a plan to go in first thing in the morning. I arranged for a friend to come with me, and Thursday morning bright and early, we were going up to get Mijo cured. Transfusion, drugs, you name it, we were going to do it. We had to, we told him we'd make him better.

There and then, Alex and I decided to trade in our honeymoon, you know from the wedding we had 13 months ago and still haven't done the traditional thing of a week or two away somewhere. We decided the money we had aside for that, would go to Mijo's specialist costs, because without Mijo, our honeymoon, whatever and whenever we decide to do it, wouldn't be worth doing, if he wasn't around.

I made a firm plan on how to help him through the night. We would hold him in shifts... All 3 of us... If one showered, the other held him. Dinner time, we shared the responsibility, not that we ate much anyhow. We cuddled, we talked, we purred, I would blow gently on his head... He was feeling love and he was fighting...

Because he hadn't eaten all day, we decided to try feeding him with a syringe, with success. With the tablets we were putting into his stomach, I felt he needed something else down there too... With a small syringe, he took it well, lapping up a tasty liquid treat.

When it was bed time, we put pillows around the bed, incase he fell, because he was very wobbly on his feet. He would cry out at random times, possibly from pain, but I think more from confusion. He sometimes wanted to get away from us, as we know, pets know when it's time and usually disappear, isolate.

We barely slept. I managed about 3 hours... But it was tough.. He wouldn't stay still, and eventually we put him in his little bed, near our bed... Of course he didn't stay there long.

At 4am I heard him crying... I found him under the bed... Alex woke up too... His breathing had changed a lot... Every breath was labored. He wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I laid on my back, and Mijo laid on my chest. This was how it often was, especially when I was reading... We did that until around 7am... Alex taking turns, holding him, talking to him, loving him. Mijo could barely hold himself up, he just laid in our arms... Breathing... His eyes began to glaze over...

We discussed our options, we felt the specialist was now a long shot. We didn't think he'd make the drive, he was near the end. Our little man had little fight left... And we wouldn't forgive ourselves for him dying in a foreign place. There were a lot of tears and back and forwards, including mum coming in for cuddles with the little guy at 5am...

Alex called the emergency vet, and we planned to go in at 8:30... Mijo's time had come...

When the sun comes up, if the blind is open in our bedroom, the sun shines right on through to Alex in bed, Mijo was in her arms, while she drank coffee as the sun rose.

Sometime later I took the little guy out to the pool, where we walked and talked, cuddled and loved, around and around, in the morning sun. I talked to him about all the adventures we had, riding bikes, visiting people, the beach and the river. I spent most of that hour, holding him, looking to his eyes... He gazed up, I just hope he knew it was me. I just knew he felt the vibrations of my words.

We both told him, it was OK to let go now. We were ready. But he kept on fighting for each breath... I think he was just like his Dad, always hopeful..

He last moments at home, where in the chair I'm sat in now. It gets the best light, first thing, even though it's inside the “catio”. Alex had sat down while I was walking outside, I seem to do better when I walk, and I brought him in for cuddles with her in the sun... He was bathed in sunshine, in Alex's arms... It was beautiful...

Actually getting in the car and going to the vet, was tough, but it really hit me when I walked in. I held the little guy, and just burst into middle-aged-man tears and sobbing... If you were there, you'd know I was my mother's son, cause she was sobbing too... I couldn't look anyone in the eye... I didn't understand what was going on, or about to go on...

I think I was in another place...

We went into a consult room, and I just laid the little guy down, not thinking of using the blanket we had... The vet explained the procedure and took him away for his catheter and first injection, some anesthetic? I don't know, but apparently it was the right thing, it helped with his pain.

I couldn't even look Alex or Mum in the eye... I just cried...

I still had hope...

When they came back, Mijo was wrapped in a soft blanket, what a great idea...!! He was quieter, more peaceful... The vet left to give us a moment...

He was still breathing, still fighting... I put my ear to his face, and heard him...

I kept making sure his eye lids closed from time to time. I remember back when Catalina, my little girl in Germany, needed to be anesthetized for a check up. The vet put some put liquid drops in her eyes and made her blink, so her eyes didn't dry out... So for Mijo, I did that every once in a while... I didn't want his eyes to dry up... I wanted him to be able to see me, because laying on that table, he couldn't hear me.

I begged Alex not to bring the vet back in for the final injection... I think I may have screamed something at her... I don't know... I wasn't me... I was trying to hold him in my arms, without moving him... I was trying to give him another chance...

I bawled...

I don't know if I have ever cried like that before... I thought I'd be all cried out... I thought all my tears had already left the building the previous hours and days... But there was more... a lot more... and more to come...

I know that Alex and I held hands over his body... I felt the love... I felt his warmth... his breathing... I know I cried tears onto him, there were tear drops on his lips...

I looked him in the eye as much as I could, but mostly, I cried...

I felt the liquid go into him, I felt it go around my hand into him...

I don't know much about what happened after that... I know I didn't want to leave him, I had promised him I would never do it. I regret not holding him once more... I know that at that moment, I felt the life drain out of me... I felt hope die...

I walked out, not knowing what to do, and flopped down on the grass outside... I never sit on grass, but Mijo liked it...

I managed to drive home...

That was yesterday...

Since then I've tried to rest, tried to come to grips with what has happened, tried to connect with a few friends, I've tried... I'm still trying...

This morning I got up wanting to do some sport, washing, then study and take on the day with confidence... It's a new day, I should take that opportunity to get back into my routine... It took all of 1 minute, from bed to bathroom, to be bawling... Except for the time I manage to calm down enough to type this blog, I've been crying... It's now 10am... I was awake at 6:15...

We are running out of tissues..

I felt so bad this morning, I wanted to plead with Alex not to go to work, because I just can't today. I just can't. We have discussed how she copes in these situations, and I know that's how she copes, by going to work, so I kept my trap shut. I just want her to hug me all day, so I can feel her warmth.

I cried so much on the drive to drop mum off at work this morning, she started crying too, and contemplated not going to work... She wanted to be there for me, but I told her, honestly, I don't think I'd be much company today.

I don't know the grieving process, we haven't learnt that in counseling school yet, but I do know, I'm feeling very lost... I feel very numb...

I can't explain it, and maybe that's why folks can never really explain how they feel after someone close to them, or their pet, has passed. We are just lost.

I also feel that I am grieving for my other losses in my life. It's a bit like, it's a culmination of all the others before him, plus him on top, making me feel pain like I have never experienced before.

Grief is just love, with no place to go... Alex and I talked about that quote last night. I used this quote to help me through leaving my 4 pets in Germany, I know I have to find a new place for my love, but for now, I just can't.

I know I couldn't have gotten through this without the support of my Mum and Alex...

While Mum cries at the drop of a hat, she is solid and thoughtful and loving. Alex is strong and experienced in these matters. She knew what to say, and when, even if I did yell back… Both have a lot of time and patience for me.

I know Alex and Mum feel bad, maybe even guilty, for choosing him. Mijo was a present, to give me joy and love and comfort. And he sure did, in multitudes, to all of us. I would never have gotten a cat back then, I didn't feel Alex or I were ready, we were still working through our issues with our pets in Germany.

Alex and I decided that we want Mijo home with us. He was only on this earth for 6.5 months, we expected him to be with us for 10+ years. Taken too early. Once he's cremated we'll have him in a little urn. He was so small, but if there's a little left over, we will either plant a tree with his ashes or sprinkle him down by the river, the first place he went to that was close to water.

The past day or so, I have shared what happened with some friends, classmates and family, and everyone has been so thoughtful and caring. Thank you, it's really helped to know you're all out there, thinking of the little guy. He would have loved to meet you all.

He was perfection. If someone else had gotten him, realized he was deaf, they may not have given him the adventures and life he had. Mum considers him a rescue cat...

So here I am, in the chair, his last chair in his last moments at home.

I can still smell him on my shirt. When I walk around the house, dazed, I sniff my shirt. He had a wonderful smell. The smell of love and adventure. I hope that smell lasts a life time.

I miss his warmth, his meow, which was damn loud!! I miss, that sometimes he'd get lost around the house... Or he'd lose me, around the house. He was gentle, and only bit me once, by accident, piercing my thumb a little. I miss the fact he had 1 tooth growing forward, directly out, making him a tri-toothed kitten with a protruding top lip! He took on the world without fear. I've never experienced anything like it in a cat. My girl Catalina did sit on my shoulder as I walked down the street in Germany, but Mijo, he let me go skateboarding with him, played guitar with me (he'd chew the strings) and one time, I even vacuumed his tail.

All trust. No fear.

Back when he lost all his hair around his neck and stomach after his snip operation, we were pretty concerned. Funnily enough, it grew back pretty quickly, but it grew back white, not grey. He had a ring around his neck and kind of marks on his back wrapping around to his belly. Alex googled it, and actually found out, cats can often have their hair grow back white after trauma or experiencing extremes of temperature if their hair was cut short or fell out.

About a month ago, I sent my dearest of friends, Sandra, a photo of his regrowth, and she commented looks like “little angel wings”...

Fly on little wing, fly on...

RIP Mijo Angus

12-11-2020 – 27-05-2021

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[rosaetae]

2 + 27 w jk??💞

+ #12 with kookie please 👉👈

☇ prompt: 2. things you said through your teeth + 12. things you said when you thought i was asleep + 27. things you said through a closed door

➣  pairing: jungkook x reader

➣ genre: fakedating!au + postbreakup!au 

➣ synopsis: jungkook asks you to be his date for his sister’s wedding because his family doesn’t know that you guys broke up 

“You’re late,” Jungkook whispers as you sat next to him, preparing for the dinner rehearsal set.

“Well excuse me if I was working,” your narrow your eyes at him, fixing your posture as you took a sip of the glass of water from the table, drained out by your job at the hospital.

“I had to order you the salmon and potatoes.”

You look at him as you set down the water back onto the coaster, scrunching your eyebrows at him. “I’m allergic to salmon.”

Jungkook pauses and looks at you, blinking. “No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. I think I would know what I’m allergic to.”

You nearly feel your eye twitch when he shakes his head. “But you’ve had salmon before.”

“No, I haven’t,” you look at him incredulously. “Are you fucking serious right now, Jungkook?”

“Chill, okay, fuck. You can have my steak.”

“No, because then I’d feel bad,” you reason, knowing how taking other people’s food always made you feel a little guilt inside of you. “I just won’t eat.”

“Don’t be so stupid, it’s food,” Jungkook rolls his eyes.

“Don’t call me stupid.”

“Then just eat my goddamn steak—”

“Do my eyes deceive me?”

A voice immediately ends the bickering you and Jungkook were having, creating a quick facade of two lovers who have been together for 2 years. Your eyes immediately land on Aunt Lily, the one relative who absolutely adored you and Jungkook’s relationship. You remember her intruding you with questions about you and gushing about you and your relationship with Jungkook all the time to her friends. 

With wide eyes, you meet Jungkook’s exact same facial expression, immediately plastering a smile on your face at the relative approaching.

“How are you two?” She asks, immediately grabbing hold of you and Jungkook’s hand in hers. “Oh, it is so refreshing to see two familiar faces still together.”

“Aunt Lily,” Jungkook feigns a laugh. “It’s nice to see you as well. We're—”

“You know I was scared that you two wouldn’t stay together because well,” Jungkook’s statement was cut off by Aunt Lily, a blame can be thrown to her lack of hearing, and short attention span. “Well, I know how scary it is to be in love with someone.”

You hear Jungkook nearly snort, a snort that referred to her three divorces in the past 20 years.

Scowling at him, you look back at Aunt Lily, her cream cardigan keeping her warm just like her heart. “Yes, it is very scary,” you agree, giving Jungkook the side eye.

“And commitment is frightening— oh, I lost my first husband because of that but ironically, he was the one that proposed!”

Eyebrows shooting up, you nod slowly, ignoring the fact that Jungkook was shifting beside you uncomfortably.

“Yup, commitment,” you repeat through gritted teeth. “Such a scary thing— even for men.”

“Oh, but you guys seem to make it work,” she cleans, eyes creating crescents as she was genuinely happy. “It really is nice to see you two together still. Especially since you were in Amsterdam for awhile, I was scared that I would never see you again.”

You peer over at Jungkook, who had his gaze trained somewhere else before you peer up at Aunt Lily, who chuckles lightly. Amsterdam was the one place that you dreamed about going to and hearing that Jungkook brought it up to his family as to where you had been or gone, you felt a churning feeling in your stomach.

“Okay, I won’t bother you two anymore, I’m going to bother Seulgi now. That damn girl, I didn’t think she would land on a man like Taeyong,” Aunt Lily shakes her head and looks at you and Jungkook once more. “Well I hope you two treat each other well. Hopefully I’ll live to see you two get married.”

And with a sad smile, you nod as she was on her way to bother the bride to be who was busy laughing about something Taeyong had said.

You turn your head to face Jungkook who was slightly flustered at the situation, but once the food came, you notice that he was quick to switch his plate with yours, and silence was the only thing between you two.

Later that night, less than 24 hours before the wedding, Jungkook’s thoughts were as loud as day. 

Kicking and turning in the hotel bed sheets did him no good, and even closing his eyes to force sleep upon him was a meek attempt.

That was until his heart decided to take place of his own mind, and suddenly, he was getting up out of his hotel bed, shoving his feet into one of those cheap hotel slippers and walking down the hallway to your room.

He takes a deep breath, not wholly realizing that he was knocking on the wooden door and waiting a moment for the door to open. But as he did, he became completely conscious that the door might not even open.

Scratching the back of his head, he decided to knock his knuckles on the door once more.

“___?” he asks quietly. Jungkook felt a bit queasy talking behind the door when he knew that the probability of you being asleep at this time is at a high, but he didn’t care. He needed to let whatever his mind was keeping him up at night out. “You’re probably asleep, but I just wanted to thank you for doing this— pretending to be with me for the sake of this wedding, even though we really aren’t. I know it’s not your ideal scenario as your first experience of being a bridesmaid but I really do appreciate it and once the wedding is over, I’ll let everyone know that we broke up, including Aunt Lily. And uhm…” Jungkook’s began to trail off before he finally swallowed his pride and decided to say what he couldn’t a long time ago. “Just sorry. For everything. For this and for never telling you why I left. I don’t know if you could forgive me for the past.”

He pauses for a moment, before his lips are curling upwards. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning—”

And just then, the sound of the door opening has him raising his eyes and his hopes, but when he saw that the person who opened the door was not you, but someone in pajamas staring back at him with a confused and tired look, he felt all sorts of awkward crashing over him.

“Hey, man,” the stranger tiredly says, a yawn following after and it hits Jungkook just then that a total stranger has heard everything that Jungkook racked up to say only for your ears— not like he was expecting you to actually hear it, but it still horrifies him that a complete stranger has witnessed his vulnerability. “Sorry to ruin your moment, but you got the wrong room.”

“Shit, yeah,” Jungkook says, completely mortified. “Sorry you had to hear that.”

“Nah,” the stranger nonchalantly waves him off, letting out a tired chuckle. “If anything, I’m sorry that I was the one to hear it, not her.”

Jungkook shook his head, letting out a laugh of embarrassment.

“Look man, from the looks of it, she was willing to pretend to be with you for the sake of a wedding… hopefully not yours,” he lets out a dry chuckle. “I think if the girl was willing to put up a facade— I think she can forgive you,” he states simply.

Jungkook, staring back at the stranger who was rather wise for someone who looks a year older than him, gave a single nod, to which he did the same and closed the door. Jungkook’s mind was reeling, but what calmed him down was the stranger’s words, and he at least had that to thank for the embarrassment of an encounter.

And suddenly, when the door closed, another door opened.

“Or she already has.”

Jungkook thought he was crazy, but the minute he twirled to see your form behind him, his heart dropped.

So she did hear it.

“___,” he breathes, but barely. “Look, I'm—”

“I heard you,” you cut him off before you’re leaning against the door. “And don’t worry, I already forgave you.”

He was hesitant, and unsure as he stared at you and the way you were peaking your head out from the doors. “And you’re not just saying that?”

“I might be,” you jokingly began, but the way the look on his face fades, you immediately shake your head. 

“I forgave you awhile ago because it just makes my life easier than to hold a weight of a grudge,” he watches you tiredly shrug. “But to be disappointed that you left me without a reason? Slightly… but we all move on, right? Your reason isn’t mine and I’ve came to terms with that. To blame you for apologizing just now? Absolutely.”

Hearing all of that, he couldn’t help but to express that little feeling of elation and relief as he let his lips curl into an amused smirk. “Better late than never.”

You smile. “Better late than never.”

And there was that banal moment, standing there, both of your minds alert and awake at the middle of the night before a big day. But it was nice, sweet, and— as Aunt Lily would say— refreshing.

Then after having his time to cherish that little minuscule moment, he let out a sigh that he felt like he was holding since forever. “Okay, I guess I’ll just let you sleep tonight. I know how long you take getting ready.”

Rolling your eyes, you shake your head. “I don’t take that long.”

“You take up my whole lifespan.”

“And you overreact too much,” you say before you’re offering him a sleepy smile. “Goodnight, Jungkook.”

“Goodnight, ____.”

That was what Jungkook liked a lot about you. 

You were quick to forgive as you always preach about never holding grudges that weigh you down. Once, you had a toxic best friend, constantly trying to one up you, constantly trying to put you down, constantly giving you hell for all the mistakes you did, but even then, the minute she apologized for being a terrible friend after accusing you of ruining her relationship with her cheating boyfriend, you were quick to forgive, but you managed to keep your distance from her ever since then. 

Jungkook silently hoped, as he was walking back to his designated room, that you wouldn’t do the same to him— the distancing away yourself part, but knowing that this situation was all sorts of odd and nostalgic and bittersweet and—

He forgot his hotel room key inside his own hotel room.

Groaning in frustration but realizing he had to keep it down, he let out a sigh before he cursed under his breath silently, knowing that the groom is probably in his own suite and knowing that he was stuck, he had to trudge his way back to your front hotel room, painfully knocking on the door— the right one this time.

What caught him by surprise wasn’t the fact that you opened the door, but you opened it within a millisecond.

He was slightly amused, but his amusement would have caused him to be cocky, and his cockiness will most likely get a door slammed to his face, so he covered his slight mirth by scratching the back of his neck.

“I kind of…” he barely starts before the cockiness he had possessed earlier that moment was transferred to you when a curl of your lips and an eyebrow arch painted your face. “I may have forgotten my keycard in the room, and uh…”

That shit-eating grin on your face as you watch him awkwardly attempt to finish his sentence was very well evident, and he couldn’t help but to narrow his eyes at you.

“You know what, I’ll sleep out here.”

Bursting into fits of chuckles, you shake your head before you catch him by surprise as you grab ahold of his wrist.

“You can stay the night,” you roll your eyes. “But if you try something, Jeon.”

He immediately rose his hands up. “The groomsmen would like to show up to his sister’s wedding.”

Giving that smile he hasn’t seen in awhile, you turn around and let him in, immediately climbing into your bed and creating enough space for the two of you.

And it was that little glimmer of hope, that silver lining that sparked something within him— and gave him just a little bit of courage.

Jungkook woke up that morning, early enough that none of the other parties had woken up yet, including you.

You were snoring softly beside him that he couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to wake up to you every morning, like this.

He wouldn’t say guilt filled his body, but he did wish he didn’t leave someone like you with not a single reason as to why he did. Admittedly he felt regretful, watching someone so beautiful and so forgiving could be in front of him. To say that he cared a lot about you would be an understatement.

He stares, one hand resting behind his head and the other reluctantly hovering over your cheek, before he allowed his knuckles to just barely graze over it, careful enough not to wake you up.

“There were nights where I wished I never left you,” he whispers, quietly, eyebrows scrunching. “You once said that something that can be so bad could be so good. I guess I never really thought about that until I left. You know, letting the relationship go a little more steady and letting that little thing that felt like hell to me become a safe haven. I guess I never gave us a real chance.”

He lets out a light scoff, retracting his hand from your face as he indulges in the art of your image in front of him. You were talking about something you learned about called The Nova Effect, and though almost 98% of it was pure gibberish along with your dash of nerdy expertise, he took note of what he could.

“I guess asking that little chance now would be a stretch,” he smiles, humoring himself to the thought that maybe you would give you and him a chance. “But you also said that something that can be so good could be so bad.” He purses his lips before he lets out a sigh when he realizes that this moment— you sleeping soundly, that feeling of chance in his stomach— will probably be the last; that after the wedding, he was going to fully and completely let go of you.

“It was good while it lasted.”

The wedding went great, other than the fact that Taeyong accidentally walked in on Seulgi when she was getting her makeup done that morning. Fortunately, they were able to make it to the “I do” part and not a single curse of “seeing the bride before the wedding” was casted upon them— at least not yet.

For Jungkook, he felt a bit queasy when he couldn’t get his eyes off of you when in front of him during the wedding ceremony, looking all beautiful and lovely in the color of lilac. When you caught his eye, you had gleamed at him with the smile of your eyes and even then, he refused to remove his eyes from you. He wished that he didn’t have to say goodbye to you again.

At the reception, after everyone had taken their fill of the buffet, it was at the moment when everyone was slightly buzzed and the performer who sang lively jazz music had everyone swinging and dancing on the dance floor, including yourself.

Jungkook, being sober and sitting at his designated table, was talking to one of the other groomsmen until he was grabbed by whom he assumed was his girlfriend and was left alone.

That was until you showed up, plopping yourself onto his lap, and by the whiff of your smell that consisted of honey and a bit of the champagne served, he knew you were tipsy.

Your arms were wrapped around his neck and he found his hand instinctively holding your waist and the other holding your thigh, and he didn’t realize it until you leaned into his touch.

“You’re tipsy,” he observes and you let out a laugh.

“Not really,” you retort back, crinkling your nose before you immediately pull back to look at him, big beady eyes staring into his. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“A secret?” He laughs amusedly, knowing that something from your tipsy mind would probably be something dumb or mind blowing.

You hum in response before you lean in again, bringing your lips to his ear. “I heard you.”

Jungkook, furrowing his eyebrows, pulls back to look at you. “I know, you told me.” Did the champagne block out her memory of what happened that last night where you heard him express his apology to another stranger?

You laugh, shaking your head. “No, no. I heard you this morning.”

“Did I wake you up when I was leaving?”

“No, idiot,” you sigh. “The Nova Effect. You remembered.”

And it hits Jungkook right in the head, another set of mortification when he realized that you actually heard him.

Maybe he shouldn’t be expressing his thoughts out loud anymore.

“What?”

“Something so bad to be so good. Something so good to be so bad,” you repeat. “I heard everything.”

Jungkook was silent as he was blinking at you, like a lost puppy.

“And you know, this good doesn’t have to be bad,” you start slowly. And maybe he was confused and maybe he wasn’t hearing you right, but either one, you couldn’t help but laugh at his blank expression. “This,” you say, referring to him and you. “Doesn’t have to be the last.”

Jungkook opens his mouth, lost at words. “So you’re…”

“We… can start over,” you began. “I’m willing to, if you are.”

Jungkook manages to smile. “Better late than never.”

Laughing at that, you shake your head at him, continuing to enjoy the night while Jungkook was being his usual joking and cocky self.

“You two look pretty cozy for being broken up,” Seulgi says, a smirk forming on her lips as she grazes her eyes at the two people in front of her.

“What?” You ask, immediately sitting straight up in Jungkook’s lap, your laughter over something he mention beginning to die out. He sat back up straight as well and blinked at his sister who was smiling into her champagne glass in hand.

“Fucking hell,” Jungkook rolls his eyes, resting his head against your shoulder before he looks up at his sister. Meanwhile, you were confused. “You knew?”

“Oh please, what type of sister would I be if I didn’t know that my own brother was heartbroken,” Seulgi scoffs, shaking her head.

“Then you just let me believe that you didn’t know?” Jungkook asks in disbelief. “What the hell?”

“Hey, you not telling me that you and ___ broke up was all you,” Seulgi defends. “I invited her because she’s the only girl you’ve ever dated that I actually like.”

You smile at her. “Is it too late to get you to marry me?” You felt Jungkook squeeze your hip, causing you to laugh a little.

“Great, I just keep embarrassing myself left and right,” Jungkook sighs as Seulgi shrugs her bare shoulders.

“Kookie, the fool.”

Laughing at that, you lean back into Jungkook’s touch as he was sighing in embarrassment of this whole wedding weekend. He was truly debating on keeping his thoughts closed off, but he realized that in the end, everything turned out okay. Besides the fact that a stranger heard what he had said.

“Alright, lovebirds, unless you’re planning to get a room, get your damn asses on the floor,” Seulgi says, point the rim of her empty glass to the both of you, stalking away to find her other half.

As she does so, you stood up from Jungkook’s lap, taking Seulgi’s advice and grabbing his hand and realizing that maybe, just maybe, you already found your other half.

this drabble is apart of my drabble series 

the given prompts are from this list 

[tea-and-toblerones]

Unison Chapter 2 - I'm a Midnight Talker

Once again, comments, questions suggestions, whatever, are always welcomed! I love your feedback! 

I would link the first chapter, but  do everything through mobile because internet is expensive out in the country

I can't believe I'm sitting at a diner with Ed Sheeran at 2 in the morning. If you would have told me this 36 hours ago I would have laughed in your face. Is my life descending into utter chaos?  

Bridget had stayed over for a couple hours before she headed home. I continuously messaged Ed through the entirety of her stay. Every time she heard the phone ping, there would be a small smile that crossed her face. I could tell she was curious about the conversation but didn't ask a second time what we were talking about. How I had managed to keep the smile from my face when he had brought up a date was a shocker. Maybe I didn't, maybe I'm not as sneaky as I thought and she was just waiting for me to tell her.                

After she left, I glanced over to my bathroom. I had snunk a quick peak earlier and it wasn’t the horror show that I had pictured in my mind. All of it was contained to my bathtub. By the looks of it I had tried to rinse it out. I had to give props to my drunken self. At least she was somewhat considerate.                                                                 

As I began scrubbing out the tub, my mind wandered to the conversation I had been having with Ed. We hadn't set an exact time for our date, deciding to play it by ear. My idea. No matter how strongly he insisted that it was the hangover cure, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it down and by the looks of my tub, I'd horked my guts out enough for one day. The thought of it sent shivers of anticipation down my spine. Something I thought I wouldn't be feeling for a long time. He seemed fine with me setting the time and place, which worked perfectly for me. I loved having everything scheduled, knowing what was coming up when. I was a master of the white board calender, everything written out in advance. Everything in order.                                     

We both had swapped some of our wildest drunken stories. Mine being how we broke into the campus, via a window, to use one of the bigger lecture halls to watch movies, unknowingly tripping a silent alarm that alerted the campus police. Somehow we had all managed to sneak out without getting caught and ended up drinking on some abandoned train cars instead. His being how him and his mates had gotten beyond wasted, went swimming in some random pond and had stolen someone's birthday cake and pig. Apparently it was a chocolate cake with bits of reese's throughout and it was one of the best damn cakes he had ever had. After having a good laugh at our own expense, he changed the subject.   

"So how are you spending your afternoon?"              

"Cleaning up this crime scene of a bathroom then a shower. Most definitely a shower."            

"What happened to 'Only pussies puke?'"                                                   

I groan, kneading my forehead with my fingertips. Yep, that was said. It used to be our groups' motto everytime we'd go out and get hammered. It was a rule among us, if you puked while drinking you were the one that bought the first round the next time out.  Still, it didn't make it any less cringeworthy. With them it was a tradition, with Ed, it was probably just cocky sounding.                                                                                                                

"Guess I'm a pussy then."                   

"Well, the first step is admittance."               

"I'm pretty sure its acceptance there bud."                  

"What's the difference?"                

I shake my head, not knowing if he was being serious or not. Instead I decide to ask what he was doing. After I scrubbed every inch of my tub clean I took a moment to scour the room for my contacts. While I was highly impressed that I even remembered to take them out, I was less impressed about where I could have put them. After looking throughout my entire apartment, I decide to call it quits.                                                                 

Guess I'll be wearing my glasses until I can get in to get new ones.                                    

I check my phone before I get in the shower.                                     

"Simpsons marathon. I'm trying to watch all of them in a week."                

"You DO know that's impossible right? With over five hundred episodes and each episode being about 22 minutes. You can roughly fit 3 in a little over an hour. All together would be about 183 hours, which is a little over a week. Without sleeping."                                                            

I set my phone down and after a long shower I start to feel like myself again. I wrap my hair up in my towel before brushing my teeth. I definitely looked like hell. My eyes weren't the honey color they usually were, but more of a muddy color. Fitting. It felt like I was wading through a bunch of it. I had always been fair skinned, I spent all of high school being called Wednesday Addams. so the circles that had shown up under my eyes really stood out. As did the light splattering of freckles. They'd lighten up to almost vanishing once winter hit and I wasn't outside nearly as much. The ones on my shoulders and arms were the only ones that stayed the same year round. I traced the long jagged scar that ran from my left eyebrow to my jawbone, curving toward my ear in a elongated crescent shape. I hated that scar. A constant reminder of things I’d like to forget. At least I could cover a majority of it. The only part I couldn’t was the part that cut through my eyebrow, leaving it bare. I drop my hand and pull my hair down before exiting the bathroom.                                                                                                                        

I flop down on my couch, pull up netflix and start browsing for something to watch. It's a shame The Simpsons aren't on here because I kind of want to watch it now. I settled on Dexter instead, getting comfortable under a nearby blanket. Once I get situated hoe I want,  I pull up Ed's message.                                                  

"Thanks for killing my dreams with logic."               

"I'm sorry. Better to find out now than later though."                      

I turn my attention to my tv, watching the opening credits. Oh, steak and eggs, that looks good...I'm kinda hungry. I'll make something quick to eat after this episode. Being snug and warm under my blanket, paired with having a late night with poor sleep I was out before the episode had even properly started.                                                                                                         

I woke up to a dark apartment. Confused and groggy, I feel for my phone, rescuing it from between the couch cushions and searing my eyes all in an attempt to figure out what time it was. 1 A.M. I sat down at 4 in the afternoon. Goodbye normal sleep schedule. I had already missed my morning run and my Saturday trip to the market. Guess I'll go shopping tomorrow instead, but that left me with next to nothing to have for dinner. I could go fetch some takeout I suppose. I notice the notification that Ed had messaged while I was lying in a puddle of my own drool.                                                                                    

"What, that you're gonna shit all on my dreams? Gonna make sharing real hard in the future. How am I gonna feel comfortable telling you about my dream of having my very own nacho bar and chocolate fountain when you'll just squash it with your dirty logic"     

I felt my heart sink when I read the first part of the message thinking I had, in some way, offended him. It wasn't until the latter part of the message did I realise he had been pulling my leg. I laughed out of relief. He was going to keep me on my toes, I can see it now. There's never going to be a dull moment with him in my life.                                         

"Oh you shit I thought you were actually angry! Not the important or feasible ones but I'll keep my 'dirty logic' to myself next time. And you can sign me right up for the nacho bar and chocolate fountain. That's something I can get behind."                                            

I stand up and stretch, trying to work the kinks out of my back and neck before wandering into my kitchen. My toast had long since wore off and my upset stomach was in the distant past. As I rummage around for something quick to make, I hear my phone ping. Surely he's still not up. Sure enough.                              

 "Why are you up at this hour?"                 

"I could ask you the same thing y'know"               

"Got hungry. So I'm gonna go get some breakfast."                    

My stomach growled at the thought of breakfast, especially at the thought of chocolate chip waffles. He just had to say chocolate fountain.                                                                

"Care for some company? Breakfast sounds pretty good."                                 

I bit my bottom lip, staring at the message for a minute or so. I could hear Bridget's comment A girl can ask a guy out you know! I didn't want to butt in where I wasn't welcomed. He may want some alone time or could already be eating with other friends. I also just met him, asking to meet up the next night might come off as desperate or clingy, which is something I really didn't want. I never stress about this kind of stuff. After everything that had happened with Mike, I slammed the door to anything even resembling a relationship. Yet, this felt different, he felt different. I couldn't explain it. I hit send and held my breath. I resisted the urge to throw my phone as far away from me as possible, vowing to never again text a single soul. When I hear that tell tale ping, I almost didn't want to look at it.                                                                                              

"On one condition. You have to come in whatever it is you're wearing right now."                         

I look down at what I was wearing to see just how embarassed I was going to be. When I had gotten ready for my shower I grabbed whatever I could get my hands on. I snorted when I saw I was wearing my black tshirt with a highly faded Scar and Hyenas from the Lion King that said I'm surrounded by idiots and grey leggings I use mostly for running.  Could be worse I suppose. The shirt was in decent shape at least. Maybe he'll get a laugh outta the irony.                                                                                                                                       "You strike hard bargain. Alright, what diner?"               

He sends me the address and I recognise the place. It's not too far, maybe ten minutes by a cab. I grab my sneakers and throw my now dry, but dried in a weird bed head way, hair  up in a sloppy bun. I put my jacket on, checking to make sure I have my wallet and messaged him that I was headed his way now. I flag down a cab and hop in, giving the driver the address. My leg never stopped bouncing the entire time. I practically flew out of the backseat, only stopping to give the cabbie his cash.                                                                    

The drunk crowd wasn't due in for another hour, so a majority of the blue booths were empty. There was a few people seated at the counter and one very haggard looking family, probably stopping for a quick bite to eat before heading back out on the road.  I spotted Ed two tables away in the  corner, closest to the windows. He hadn't seen me come in so I pause before heading over to him in an attempt to collect my thoughts. He was staring out the window, lost in thought. His head resting on one of his hands, the other was wrapped around a mug on the table. He was wearing a plain heather colored tshirt that made the ink on his arms stand out. The whole scene looked so perfect that I slipped my phone out of my pocket and took a quick picture. Not for anyone elses eyes but my own.                                                          

He noticed me as I started walking over to him and he quickly stood up. He was wearing blue and white flannel pajama pants with black and red sneakers. So that's why he told me to come as I am. He looked me up and down and let out a laugh. Those haunting eyes gleaming. I braced myself for the worst but was surprised when a giant smile came across his face.     

"Well look at you, participating in my pancake pajama party!"                                                                                                                                     Do I hug him? That seems too familiar. Do I shake his hand? No, that's to formal. I have to do something. God, he looks good, even in pajama's. Wait, shit, what did he say? Did he say pancake pajamas? Oh, pajama party. That's probably it. What's pancake pajamas? Is that pajamas with pancakes on them or pajamas you wear specfically for eating pancakes? Dammit Adi stay focused!  

"Well that was the price of admission. Who am I to argue? Plus I had absolutely no food in my apartment since I slept through shopping day."                                                             

He motioned for me to sit down, so slid into my side of the booth taking off my jacket and placing it beside me. I noticed a blue hoodie laying on his bench seat. Well, at least he matches I suppose. He sat down across from me, staring intently at my face.                                                    

"I didn't know you wore glasses."                                      

I reached up and touched the side of them, almost like I was making sure they were still there. Of course they are, they just didn't vaporize because he mentioned them, but I guess your social skills did.  I played it off as I was adjusting them, partly wondering if that's what he really wanted to comment on.                                                                                                                                                                                       

"I usually wear contacts but I've seemed to misplace them in my drunken...ness."                                                  

He shuttered. "The thought of sticking something in my eye is just- I'd rather go without seeing for a bit.."                                                                    

"You go without your glasses alot?"                              

"Only when I perform. Or I misplace them. Tend to do that quite often."                                         

I sat there for a moment, toying with the sleeve of my jacket. I could feel his eyes boring into me, patiently waiting, not trying to coax me into talking, just waiting for me to speak on my own. Finally I find my voice (and my courage) asking the one question that had been plaguing me the entire day and the one that I was the most afraid to have answer to.                                                           

"Can I ask you something?"                                    

The corners of his mouth turned upwards, his eyes softened. It looked like he felt slightly guilty about me being noticably worried about his response.  "Of course." His voice was soft and gentle.                                                                                                                      

I take a deep breath. "Why'd you text me? Not that I'm not grateful, I am, I really am. It's just, you've probably got so many girl's giving you their number, why'd you choose me?"                                                                                                                                              

It had all came out in a rambling rush. I could feel my face flushing at the hurried mess that had came out of mouth. Way to play it cool. I expected him to look angry or even offended but he laughed,  throwing me for a loop.                                                                                                                                         

"I'm sorry, I was bracing myself for the worst by the look on your face. You're right, I've had literally hundreds of girls give me their number. And I've never contacted a single one. Never even bothered saving their number. Know why?" I shake my head, starting to worry about what sort of things I could have possibly done to catch his attention when others had failed.  "They gave their number to Ed Sheeran, singer songerwriter. You gave it to Ed, some ginger bloke you met at a bar."                                                                                        

I stare at him in amazement as he takes a sip of his drink. He made a weird face muttering something about proper tea it before putting it aside. He interlaced his fingers together, once again turning all his attention to me. That gaze, it was like I was the only thing that mattered in that moment. It was almost overwhelming. I realised that my mouth had been slightly open, so I closed it in a hurry. I hadn't realised it had been that obvious.                                                          

"How long did it take you to realise I had no clue who you were?"                                                                                                      

"I knew when you introduced yourself.  There was no spark of recognition when I said my name was Ed." He bit his bottom lip, I could tell he was wanting to add something. I must have had the same look of uncertainity on my face just moments ago. I shouldn't be surprised that he'd have questions that he wasn't sure he wanted answered. "Is this going to change things now that you know who I am?"                                                                                                                       

I knew this question would be coming at some point, most likely sooner rather than later and I had given it alot of thought while I was on my hands and knees cleaning my bathroom. I loved order, being in control of my own life. He's got an erratic schedule and I wasn't sure how I was going to feel with the spontaneity that came along with that. On the other hand, something needed to change. I wasn't about to throw in the towel before I had even tried. Or before there's even a 'thing' to try.                                                                                                                                                                      

"No. Well, it will affect some things. I'm not going to lie, there was some freaking out. That's expected I suppose, but it's not a deal breaker if that's what you're wondering. I mean this in the nicest possible way, I couldn't care less about how much you're worth. Hell, I still wouldn't know if it wasn't for my friend Bridget mentioning one of her friends had seen you in town." Relief had flooded over his face. He had leaned back, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling, exhaling as he did so. I could feel all the tension that had filled the booth vanish as quickly as it came.  I hadn't noticed his hands were in fists as he was waiting for my response until he relaxed them.                                                                                                

"Well, that's a big weight off my chest.  I bet your friend really freaked when you told her."                                                                                                                            

"I didn't, actually. She was at the bar and did see you, but not your face. She thinks you're some blonde dude named Ed and I didn't correct her."                                                 

He seemed surprised at my answer, His eyebrows coming up, lost under the ginger curls that hung down his forehead.  He also seemed thrown when I said she thought he was blonde. There was still an odd expression on his face, almost a mix between humor and curiousity.   

"You're a very special person. I guess you weren't lying when you said it didn't make a difference." There's that cute lopsided grin again. He seemed to perk up quickly, eyes gleaming again. "But this leaves me at a huge disadvantage here. You know everything about me, but I don't know anything about you." His hand came up, rubbing his chin in thought.  "Well, besides you're named after your grandmother, you were supposed to be a boy and you're not above doing some fairly dirty dancing around a cue stick as a distraction"  He counted each fact off with his fingers, grinning at the last one.                                                                                                        

I groaned, burying my face in my hands. "Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm competitive under normal situations, but add alcohol to it and I can resort to some pretty over the top methods to win. Did it at least work?"                                                                  

"I was planning on sight seeing today, hit up a couple shops and spent all of it in bed. You tell me."                       

I laughed. At least it wasn't wasted. The waitress chose then to show up looking like we had personally offended her with our presence and laughter. She simply dropped some menus down on the table and asked, quite flatly, what I wanted to drink. After I gave my drink order Ed asked for a glass of water and it was like he had asked for it from God's personal pool. After she walked away, he looked at me, his mouth pulled downwards, his eyes widened slightly, flicking towards her in a 'Oh boy' type of way. I snorted, quickly stifiling my laughter behind my hand. He smirked as I flicked the menu open, pretending to focus really hard on what was printed, while still trying not to laugh. She came back with my coffee and Ed's water with the same gusto she had when bringing the menus. She quickly took our orders and left.                                                                                               

"So, you were going to help fill in some blanks?"                                        

I nod, "Right, well you're really not at a disadvantage. I only pulled your picture up to see if you were really, well, you. I wanted to find out things the old fashioned way. But, I'll tell you my whole life story, if you answer one more question."                                      

"Is it 'what were you doing at a metal show?'"                             

"What we're you doing at a metal show?"                       

"I wanted a night out, without having to deal with a bunch of fans. Who gives no fucks about Ed Sheeran? Metal heads. Where's the last place you'd expect Ed Sheeran? At a metal show. I got to have an great night without having to deal with a flock of people asking things from me. Plus I met you, I call that a win."                               

He was right. Metal heads definitely couldn't care less. You tell a metal head you like Ed Sheeran, they'll look at you, kinda tilt their head to the side and go 'aww, that's so cute'      

"Well, a deal's a deal. Whadya wanna know?"                   

"Whatever you're comfortable with telling."                                                          

I take a sip of my coffee. Whatever I'm comfortable with telling huh? Interesting wording, alright then.                                                                                                                                     

"Well, lets start off with the basics.  I'm 25, orginally from Dublin, Ohio. I moved out here when I turned eighteen and got a nice office job where I do a bunch of boring ass stuff that's completely meaningless. I've got an older brother and my parents are divorced. I'll let you decide what to focus on from there"                                                                             

"Let's go with family. You've an older brother? How's your guy's relationship, typical sibling one?"                                            

"His name's Nate, he's 28 and stayed back in Dublin to work at our dad's office. We're close now, but when we were younger there was definitely a sibling rivarly that went on."                                                                                                                                        

"Was some of that anger from the fact that he got things from the souvenir shops and you didn't?"                                    

Out of all the ways he could have worded he had a normal name and you drew the short stick, he chose that. That earned him yet another laugh. I wonderd if he was tired of hearing it.  Or worse, that I was just laughing because I found him attractive.                                                                                                                            

"Nah, it was more of a resentment due to the fact he was dad's favorite. When I was little I thought Nate was stealing all the attention and there wasn't any left over for me. It was when I was older and realised that they just had more in common and if Dad really wanted to spend time with me, he would. Laying the blame on Nate wasn't fair because he wasn't the problem.  That's when our relationship grew out of the petty fighting bullshit. Now we talk at least once a week and visit each other twice a year, outside of holidays."                                                                                                                           

"Your parents divorced? Did he go with your dad, you stay with your mum? Have two Christmases, that sort of thing?"                                              

I shake my head  "They didn't separate until I turned 18 and moved out here. You could tell when we were younger that they were in a 'stay together for the kids' type of marriage. They waited until we were out of the house so it wouldn't affect our childhood. The spilt was pretty amicable and they're still on pretty good terms. We all still get together during the holidays and everything. They just fell out of love and drifted apart."

Is that what I have to look forward to? I don't know what's worse, losing interest in a person that loves you or having the person you love tell you they just don't care about you anymore.                                                       

I hadn't realised I had drifted off into my own little world and missed what Ed had said until I felt his hand touch mine. light, like he was worried that he was going to startle me.  His eyebrows were furrowed in a look of concern.                                                                                                                      

"You alright? You kinda had this weird look come over your face."                                                     

I took a deep breath and forced myself to smile. I felt a rush of guilt come over me at the look on his face. Don't go there Adi, not tonight.                                                                                                 

"Yeah, I'm okay, just got wrapped up in my thoughts is all. Sorry, what did you say?"                                                                 

I could tell he wasn't buying what I was selling, "Are you sure? If I did something to upset-'             

I cut him off. "No, you've done nothing, honestly." I added when he still looked unconvinced. "I promise." I held the pinky finger of my free  hand out and he gave me a amused look before locking his own pinky in with mine.                                                             

He gave my other  hand a squeeze and I must admit, it felt nice. That simple act really meant alot. He didn't let go of my hand, his thumb rubbing gentle circles on the back of it. I felt myself relaxing, focusing on the soothing repetitive motion.                                                

"So, what do you're parents do for a living? You said your dad had an office, what about your mum?"                                                      

I welcomed the subtle subject change. "She's a teacher, first grade. I alway kind of felt bad because Dad was always caught up in his work so she had to deal with fighting kids at school, come home and have to play peacemaker between me and Nate. She has the patience of a saint, my mom has"                                                                                  

"Sounds like you admire her a great deal."                         

"I do, I wish I had half the strength she does."                                                    

Whatever he was about to say was cut off by the waitress coming with our order. It was only then did he release my hand. She placed my plate of chocolate chip waffles in front of me and Ed's plates of pancakes, scrambled eggs, a couple sausage patties and toast. We thanked her and got a half hearted nod in reply. I poured a generous amount of syrup on my waffles. Ed picked up one of the sausage patties with his fork, studying it closely before putting it back down, muttering "I'll never understand your sausage. Americans are weird." I watch in a mortified fascination as he poured an excessive amount of ketchup on his eggs and sausage. Enough to warrent the joke 'would you like some eggs to go with your ketchup’ but I kept it to myself. He probably heard that enough.                                                                                                                

The conversation died down slightly as we ate our food. Ed had suggested we share, that way we could try each other's meal. I had a sneaking suspicion that he just really wanted to try my waffles. He offered up a bite of his pancakes off his fork. Instead of taking the fork, I lean forward and take the bite. He smiled, sliding the fork out of my mouth, watching my reaction as I chewed. I savored the sweet taste. Light, fluffy, with a hint of butter. I held out a fork full of waffle, that just happened to be loaded with chocolate. His bite seemed to go in slow motion once his lips hit that fork. Slowly dragging the food off, his tonuge gliding over them, licking the syrup chocolate mixture off. His eyes closed, a look of bliss coming over his face. I don't think he could have made that any hotter if he had tried.                                                                                                                               

As we ate, Ed told me some about his life back home. How him and his brother left home at practically the same time and the struggles he faced as a sixteen year old trying to make it in the music world. We had kept chatting long after the food was gone. I hadn't realised how long we had been sitting there until a large crowd of drunken guys came stumbling in choosing to sit a booth away. One of them kept glancing our way and you could see the gears turning as he was trying to figure out why Ed looked so familar. Ed must have noticed because he leaned forward on the table, using me and the back of the booth to shield him from view.                                                                                                                 

"You want to get out of here"? It's starting to get a bit rowdy."                                     

He wasn't lying. The group had be causing a bit of a ruckus, practically screaming at each other, spilling their drinks on the table, floor and each other. The guy that kept looking at our booth nudged the guy beside him, pointing to our booth. Now they were both looking our direction. It was only a matter of time before they figured it out and we had the entire diner at our table asking for pictures and autographs.                                                                                           

"I agree, let's leave before the next wave comes in. It's gonna fill up fast."                                    

No sooner than when he went up to go pay, another group came in. I was standing by the door so our table could be cleaned and be used for the next group. While I waited one of the guys that had just came in wandered over. He leaned against the wall, uncomfortably close, leering down at me.                                                                                                                                                   

"What's a hottie like you doing in a place like this?"                                        

I could tell he was drunk but not as drunk as his companions. He was pretty average looking, tall, thin, black hair that was held back with hair gel, his brown eyes fighting to stay focused on me, a hint of lust hidden behind the alcohol cloud.  The smell of booze radiating from him. When I turned to look up him, I saw his eyes go straight to the left side of my face, his eyes widened and an Oh...popped out of his mouth.                                                                                                

Typical reaction. I had a retort on on the tip of my tongue, ready to shoot back at him but was cut off before I could get it out.                                                                                          

"Is there a problem, love?"             

I felt Ed's arm come around my waist, pulling me closer to him in a protective sort of way. I wrap mine around his waist in return. He was calm, but I could detect a hint of anger in his voice. I could feel how tense he was, his grip tightening on my hip. Is he jealous? Or is he just over protective? Maybe he senses something about the guy that I don't.  I start rubbing small circles on his back in hopes it would calm him. It was almost like he was on guard. The guy looked him over, like he was sizing him up. The moment seemed to drag on for an eternity.                                                           

"Nah man, we were just talking." The guy looked Ed up and down. His eyes squinting as he stared at his face. "You look familiar, do I know you?"

Ed brushed it off, his voice still a little heated. His grip still not loosening. I noticed he was angling himself so that he was between me and the  guy. "I get that alot, I’ve just got one of those faces."                                                                                                                                   The guy had been loud enough that the entire diner's eyes were on us. Great, Exactly what he had been trying to avoid. Ed opened the door, gently guiding me out of it. The last thing I heard was "Hey, wait you’re -" The door shut before the guy could finish his sentence. I did however see the waitress's stunned face through the glass, her mouth open slightly. I smirked, kind of glad she hadn't recognised him. By the look on Ed's face he was glad as well, but he still had a dark expression.                                                                                                                             

"That guy was nothing but bad news. I hope you don't think I did what I did because I thought you couldn't handle your own."                                                                      

"I didn't. Hey, don't let that drunken douche ruin our night."                                                

He seemed to relax at that. He finally dropped the gloomy expression and let a small smile break through.                                                                       

"You're absolutely right. Well, what do you want to do now?"                           

I pondered for a minute, thinking of what we could do so early in the morning. Finally it clicked. He did say he was supposed to spend the day sight seeing. What's stopping us now? We could still go visit the parks and square. It's not like they close.                                                                          

"Well, you said you wanted to go sight seeing right?"                                      

He must have thought I was joking. When he saw my face he realised I was being serious, he scoffed "What, right now?"                                                      

I shrugged "Why not? It's a nice night, the sky's clear, it's not overly cold and there's not a flock of people around. So you really get to enjoy yourself."          

He looked at me in a what am I getting myself into sort of way before shrugging, shaking his head.                                                                                                                                                                                     "Why not, I couldn't have a better guide."                                    

As we walked, Ed's pulled his arm away from my waist, slipping his hand into mine. I was pointing out landmarks, good places to eat, what places had the best coffee and most importantly, places he'd want to avoid if he wanted to go under the radar. After I had ran out of the major hot spots, I started to show him some of my personal favorite spots, one of them being a certain train car I mentioned to him earlier. There was one spot in particular I wanted to show him. A simple park, with the river cutting through one part and a fountain in the middle lit by small flood lights lights. Sometimes there would be live musicians playing, giving it a whismical feel. The trees around the fountain were always wrapped in white christmas lights. If I ever needed to decompress or take a minute, this is where you could find me. We sat on a bench in front of the fountain, taking in the the view.             

"I found this park my first week living here." My voice was soft.  My gaze had turned to the fountain, letting my eyes fall out of focus. My mind going back to my first visit. Ed's attention was fully on me when I started talking. I could feel him shift on the bench so he was facing me instead of facing forward.  "I was scared, this was the first time living on my own and I was hundreds of miles away from any family. It was pretty lonely, I'll admit, I had thought maybe I had made a mistake. I was wandering around, kind of lost since I hadn't quite figured out where everything was at. What better way than just wandering aimlessly, right? Then I stumbled across this place. The sun had just started to set and there was this lone jazz musician playing a pretty sad tune on a trumpet." Ed's eyes never left my face as I talked. I had pulled out my wallet, turning it over and over in my hands. My eyes had completely glazed over, overtaken by the nostaglia  "I was wondering if I'd ever be able to call this place home. So I did what any child would do. I made my wish on a coin and threw it in the fountain. It sort of became a tradition. Any time I'm upset or feeling lost I come here and chuck another coin in the fountain." I fished a couple pennies out and held my hand out. He picked one out of the palm of my hand.                                                                                                   

"Did it come true? Your wish?" His voice just as soft as mine. I turned to him, finally meeting his gaze.                                                                                                                           

"Yeah, it did."                                                                                      

"Well then, if it worked once...Close your eyes and make a wish." His eyes twinkling in the light of the fountain. I stood up, walking up to edge of the fountain. Ed had followed suit, standing to the left of me. I follow his suggestion and close my eyes, wrapping my hand around the small coin, holding it close to my chest in a clenched fist. Let this be the beginning of something good. I'm so tired of all the bad.  I released the coin, hearing it's faint splash as is sank to the bottom with all the other wishes. I kept my eyes closed, hoping it wouldn't have a nasty twist like the last one. It may have came true, but it ended up causing alot of heartache in the end. I'm either an optimst at heart or just too stupid know when to give up.                                                                   

I felt his arm come around my waist pulling me towards him.  His lips came to mine, brushing against them gently. That little sneak. No wonder he told me to close my eyes. I slip my arms around his neck, threading my fingers through his thick, silky hair. Once he knew I was fully accepting of his kiss, it changed from careful to something more. I could feel his mouth open, his tonuge just grazing over my bottom lip. I opened my mouth, letting his tonuge in.  His other hand came up, settling on the back of my head, his thumb brushing against my unmarked cheek. I found myself pressing against him, my hands pulling his head closer to mine, his arm pulling me closer to him in response. It felt like he was simataneously filling me and emptying me at the same time. I felt a pull from deep inside, bringing with it a spark of yearning. We could have stood there for minutes, it could have been hours. When he finally pulled away, I lightly bit his bottom lip, letting my teeth drag across.                                                                           

"Wow..." I muttered breathlessly.                              

"Wow indeed, I've been waiting all night to do that." His thumb was still brushing against my cheek, the other hand at my back.                                                         

"Was it worth the wait?"                                     

"It was more than I ever could have wished for." His voice was low and husky                                                           

"I agree, nothing could have prepared me for that."                                             

When we separated, he reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out the penny I had given him. He looked down at it, letting his own eyes fall closed. A small smile forming on his face,  he jostled it a couple times before tossing it into the fountain with mine. Light had just began creeping its way across the sky, mingling with what stars were left. He took my hand in his again before we headed off in the direction of his hotel. We stopped just outside the door, still hand in hand.                                                                                                                                         

"Well, this isn't exactly how I pictured our first date..." He said sheepishly, running his hand through his hair.                                    

I'm guessing he had pictured us in a restaurant, nice clothes, sort of romantic. Not at a diner at 2 AM and definitely not in causal sleepwear.                                                                                                     

"Me either, but I had a really good time. If I could do it over, I would keep everything the same." I wrinkle my nose  "Might have taken Douchey Mcgoo out of the picture though "                         

He hesitiated, pulling his sleeves down over his hands again. I'm starting to see that it had nothing to do with hiding his tattoos, it's a nervous habit of his. "Would you- would you like to come upstairs? I've still got, what, seven days of the Simpsons to get through, if you'd care to join me. It's alot more fun when you've got someone to laugh and enjoy it with."                                                                                       

After a brief debate of is he talking about watching the simpsons or "watching the simpsons" I had decided.                                                             

“I'd like that. I'm not ready to call it a night just yet."

[enniewritesathing]

John: 2, 4, 8, 10, 11, 13, 17, 18, 21, 26, 29, 46, 48, 49

thank you

02. What is one of your character’s biggest insecurities? Are they able to hide it easily or can others easily exploit this weakness? 

Believe it or not, he used to be real insecure about his looks, especially when he was younger. Before the glo-up (or rather, before his voice broke), he used to get made fun of how his hair made him look like a girl (”Hey Jake, what’s your sister doing here??”) or his lips being compared to a fish. “Johnny Fishy Lips, Fish Lips” etc. (His brother, not so much. They’re twins.) Or honestly, not bearing a lot of ‘white’ features (quote his grandparents on his dad’s side – yikes), or on how brown they’d get during the summer. He never quite understood why adults looked at him and his brother funny when they were with their parents – Noelle being Filipino and his dad is white and… there was some unfortunate-ness to that because they look mostly like their mom and none dad, and it was assumed that his dad got tricked or some shit or insert racist shit. At one point, he asked them if he and his brother were adopted; it’s caused John to be very shy and defensive and even gotten into a few fights because of it.

After the glo-up, it became way less of an insecurity because he’s learned to own up to everything about himself, and he also grew into his features. He still got snide comments about his lips and that he probably wouldn’t be a good kisser because of it. Pffft.

04. What are their favorite traits about their lover? (one psychological and one physical)

John loves how resilient Brian is. He came from a pretty bad family situation and Brian choosing to rise above that and be a better person for it? Amazing! (And then there’s karma and Brian is p e t t y knowing that what goes around, comes around). 

John’s a fan of Brian’s legs. They’re very shapely and John loves to run his fingers the length of them, and just do a lot of things with them.

08. What is, perhaps, their biggest flaw? Are they aware of this or oblivious to it?

His biggest flaw is that he can be really stubborn, and to get him out of that is to frame whatever he’s stubborn about in such a way is to escalate it. I would also say when he gets a strong (negative) emotion, it’s hard to get him out of that state because it overwhelms him. He’s aware of both and he’s working on it; if he has strong feelings about something, he’ll remove himself if he can. 

10. Is your character more feminine or masculine? 

John’s fairly masculine, he’s not like “RAWR I’M A MAN HEAR MY DEEP ASS VOICE AND WATCH ME EAT THE HELL OUT OF THIS STEAK”. Or, he’s not toxic about it. He’s subtle with the way he dresses, anything with a V-neck or schmedium shirts (he swears it’s not intentional, but Brian begs to differ). A lot of people think he’s hella feminine because of his long hair and how he looks in general but, it’s really not the case. He just likes to take care of himself.

11. What is something that would make your character fly into a rage?

If someone threatens Brian or his mom in any way. He’ll probably break bones behind that for real and he can do that real easily.

13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker?

70% healthy. He can get anywhere between 6-8 hours on a good night, but since he loves naps, it can get pretty wild. He’s a heavy sleeper so, hardly anything can wake him up. John’s given up on stealing blankets from Brian, even the sheets so he just sticks a foot underneath the burrito and be done with it. He used to sleep walk, but he mostly grew out of it. I say mostly because he would sit up and stare at nothing or Brian for a while, then go back to sleep.

17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children?

Absolutely @ both of them. He and Brian actually talked about it several times, casual at first and even a joke or two (”omg just marry me” “huh?” “what??)” and then hypotheticals ‘okay so picture this–’  and then, ‘y’know, we’ve been through some tough shit together…’ so, he’s sort of waiting to pop the question.

Fatherhood makes him a little nervous because his dad died when he was young and other than his uncle who stepped in that role (and he’s a little problematic), he doesn’t have any male guidance. He would be the type of dad to read a lot of guidebooks and go to classes (”omg is that supposed to happen???”) or be worried about every single thing.

Fun fact!: At the end of Bare Knuckle, I wanted to do an epilogue/timeskip ending with John telling the whole thing to the kids (they ended up having a boy (the oldest) and twins – a boy and a girl. The twins were a surprise in that they were expecting the girl and come delivery time ‘yeah no you got a boy too’ “WHAT?!” ) and they’re like ‘papa, that’s wild as hell’. 

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode?

He’s actually living in it now, lol. The house is medium sized, but the lot is HUGE. It’s right on the water with a private beach. The house has a quiet area/sunroom (which is what he’s wanted in particular anyway), and the yard is really big enough to put just about anything and everything in it. At some point, he’d like a small garden to tend to, a study area for Brian, maybe a pool?

21. What is one of your character’s biggest fears? How would they react when dealing with this fear?

His biggest fear is not being able to live a long life; he wants to be old. Both sides of his family, the men tend to not live that long due to whatever reason. John gets a little anxious when he gets super sick because of what happened to his brother, so he listens to Brian when he tells him he needs to slow down and take meds. As for fighting, he’s less apt to take bigger risks – he puts more thought into it instead of ‘eh, I can take it’.

26. What is their lover like sexually? How do they feel about their lover’s quirks, needs, etc?

John likes to think that Brian is like an onion – he has many layers. Some layers are tougher than others. Sex is really dependant on how Brian feels since his needs is on the low side; foreplay is a requirement but John doesn’t mind because he’s all about spending time and peeling back the proverbial onion layers Brian has. In fact, he’s learned to be patient with Brian. He feels like he could be a little more adventurous, so once in a while he’d ask Brian if he wants to top (even though John can sort of take him) or ask for a ~special~ night where he’s subbing and let him do whatever. It turns out that that’s a major turn on for Brian, and when he’s feeling very touchy-feely, John lets him. Brian has told him that he feels a little selfish that he wants to use John sometimes, and he’s like ‘no, please, go ahead!; if you wanna do some nasty things, I’m down!’ Brian think he isn’t that good, but John is pretty vocal and lets him know he’s doing right.

Brian has became more bold in his advances and demands (turns out he’s pretty bossy lol) and a couple of times, John had to ask for a raincheck (”I am with you in spirit but my dick ain’t having it”) – but that’s what toys are for. In fact, he has a collection and when the drives or work schedules are really off, then that’s always an option. 

Sex isn’t sex but it’s more like the smaller things and how they really feel about each other. And then there are the times Brian wants John to fuck the stress out of him… he’ll do what he can, lol.

29. What is one of the most courageous things your character has ever done for a loved one?

When options to treat Jacob’s cancer were dwindling, John pretty much tried to sacrifice his own body up for anything that needed for him to get better, or at least try to have a better fighting chance. He got the gist of a lot of what was happening, but it really came down to this: “He’s my brother. We’re supposed to protect each other.”

46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover? 

John has a tendency to roll up on Brian, and like does what the cat does sometimes and gently head bunts him and when Brian reacts, he kisses him either on the cheek or forehead and acting like nothing happened OR he waits a bit to read him and see where it goes. Or random kisses. It can get tricky because Brian is a little taller, so he always grabs his head and just *smooch* on his forehead. (He knows that that’s his favorite aside from neck kisses)

48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious?

John’s not really the type to get jealous or anything like that. He likes it when Brian smiles, no matter what the source of it is.

49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood?

John has vivid nightmares either about trying to rescue his brother from whatever and then when he gets within a very short distance, Jacob just dies, or the nightmares about being medicinally tortured, not being able to protect Brian and/or watch him die, or ‘fighting’ and him being greviously injured. They used to be real frequent to the point of being diagnosed with nightmare disorder. Now, they don’t happen so much because he knows all of the triggers and how to avoid them, and if they do happen, he knows none of it is real (even if they do feel like they are).

It fucks him up emotionally every time, and it takes him a while to calm down, from removing himself immediately to just talking it out or even cry about it.

[thepsychicclam]

So, I've asked you exercise questions before, like years ago so sorry for the randomness. But I finally started exercising again and I've been working out for almost an hour everyday for two months now and started trying to eat less, but I've seen no progress in my weight and I can't tell, but I don't think I've lost any inches either. I'm just really bummed...

hi again!! i’m sorry you are bummed and frustrated :( the weight loss journey is the hardest. i feel like i am always struggling and bummed, so i feel you.

first off, congrats on working out again! even if you haven’t lost any weight, you are becoming healthier just by being physically active every day. it doesn’t help with the weight loss, but it can help remind you that you are doing something positive.

i’m no fitness expert by any means, so all of this is from my own experience, all the stuff i’ve read over the years, etc. it is not intended to be professional advice or replace a doctor or trainer (lol there’s my disclaimer XDD)

bodies are weird. some ppl respond better to certain exercises, while others respond more to diet. part of the struggle is figuring out what works for YOU. for example, my bff does well with strength training and my sister responds better to diet. i feel like nothing works lol but exercise seems to do the best for me. the first thing i would ask is, what kind of exercise are you doing? while walking for an hour every day is good for your health, it’s not necessarily the best to lose weight. you could do a more intense 20 minute workout and get better, faster results bc of the types of workouts. i’ve read a lot of articles about how shorter, more intense workouts will help you lose weight more than hours of cardio. my coach tells us the same thing. strength training is also supposed to help support weight loss, bc muscle burns more fat. are you adding in any kind of strength training? it doesn’t even have to be anything crazy. machines at the gym, light dumb bells, body weight exercises. 

working out for an hour may also not be the best thing for your weight loss. it depends on what you’re doing. when i used to run all the time, i read articles about how running for an hour wasn’t as good as like doing some kind of HIIT cardio for 20 min bc your body levels out and doesn’t burn as much fat after so many minutes. interval training is good to combat that. they even have walking plans that incorporate intervals to help change the intensity and burn fat so you can find something to fit your current fitness level. 

the third thing i would say is two months isn’t a long time (even though it feels like forever!). sometimes, depending on your body, metabolism, etc, it can take awhile to see results. i’ve been doing crossfit 4-5 days each week for 8 mths and i have barely lost any fat/weight. i’ve gained muscle, but the inches are stubborn and won’t go away. it’s partially my metabolism and mild thyroid problems, but also probably the way i eat. i’m FINALLY starting to see some changes, but very slowly and very minor, and it took 6 mths. i’m still not seeing results i had hoped, but quitting won’t get me results, so i’m just gonna keep on trucking. a friend of mine who does crossfit with me said she didn’t lose weight until she had been doing it for a year. but that’s okay bc that kind of weight loss is the kind that should stick as opposed to fast drops. fitness and weight loss is really the long haul instead of a short, quick journey, which is frustrating. and it’s not easy. it takes dedication, time, and commitment. sounds like you’ve already invested all that!

diet is my biggest weakness, so believe me when i say i understand that the struggle is real. it’s also a game of figuring out what works for you. make sure you’re eating enough calories. too few calories can slow your metabolism. make sure you’re eating over 1200 calories at least. i track what i eat when i’m focusing on it, and that seems to work well for me. i use MyFitnessPal bc they have like EVERYTHING. i mean, it means you have to weigh stuff and think about serving size, but it helps bc i’m like “OH MY GOD I ATE 500 CALORIES OF X WHY I DON’T EVEN LIKE IT THAT MUCH” then i eat more of what i do want to waste calories on :PPP 

i personally like looking at macros rather than calories. macros are the percentage of your daily food broken into carbs, protein, and fats. the “standard” is i think 40-50% carbs and the other into smaller percentages. a lot of the weight loss stuff i’ve read says evening out the macros helps, like basically 30% of each with some wiggle room. some ppl suggest less carbs and more fat. i can’t eat super low carbs, like a paleo/keto diet. i’ve tried and my blood sugar got all fucked. and i knew it wasn’t a lifestyle choice i was going to want to adopt. so, i try for healthy carbs and less carbs if possible. i like the 30% even idea. i seem to get results when i stick to that, but my eating is connected to my anxiety/depression, so sometimes it’s hard for me to track and not just eat ALL THE CARBS bc i feel like the world is ending. 

i stopped buying stuff i didn’t want to eat. like junk food, etc, and i don’t go out to eat (plus it saves money!), and i especially don’t drink my calories. i eat clean 85% of the time, and the rest of the time i don’t. which i think is slowing my weight loss journey. i keep saying I’M GONNA DO BETTER but it’s hard. honestly, my meals are the easiest. snacks are where i mess up :|||| i believe though that every small change, every positive choice each day leads to results. even if you eat something that may not be the best once each day, if you cut out the 2-3 OTHER bad things, you are doing better. it’s a journey. you will have good days and bad days, but that’s what makes it part of your lifestyle.

other things that affect weight loss are stress, water intake, and sleep. are you stressed? do you drink enough water? do you get 7-9 hrs of sleep each night? trying to change those things might help, too.

i know it’s hard. this has been my struggle my whole life. i still feel like i will never figure it out. but remember that every small thing is making you healthier and fitter. fit isn’t skinny. of course you want to be at a healthy body weight bc obesity, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, mobility problems, etc are serious issues. but fit and healthy come in a lot of different forms. that’s what i keep trying to tell myself. i’m strong, my cardio is strong, i just am not a size 0. that’s okay (or at least i’m trying to convince myself).

keep doing what you’re doing. try new exercises. try to vary what you do each day. track your foods and see what works for you. eat healthy, natural, nutritious food, but eat bc you need to be good to your body. and most of all, DON’T GIVE UP. quitting won’t lead to any results. persevering will eventually get you there, even if it’s slow and steady. you’ve got two months under your belt. it should be a habit by now. keep moving. keep making smart food choices. you’re making strides to being a healthier you, and eventually, you WILL see results. 

idk if any of this helped, but i hope it did. i am 150% behind you and cheering you on. you can always come into my inbox with anon questions, ranting, or words if you need to talk or someone to listen. i will send you motivation and positive thoughts if you need them. i have just about done everything and tried everything fitness and diet related, so i understand and know you can do it. good luck, and keep moving

[jammylittlefingers]

How old is your little one? .... she's starting to walk and you can sometimes get thee naps longer than 45 min??????! Mine is 10 months and I'm lucky if I get two half hour naps!!! Tell me your secrets!!! Help!

She's ten months. (10.5) So she's walking a little early, but her dad and his whole family walk super early, like 8 months, so not a huge surprise to us. (To balance that they talk really late, like 2 years old, something else we'll keep an eye on.)Naps. So, she was a terrible napper for the first 6 months, and then we had a big breakthrough that was a combination of her development- she started moving a lot, rolling, wiggling, soldier crawling around, and I think it tired her out, and her new abilities also made her a generally happier baby. (She was a pretty miserable colic-y tiny infant.)AND. I was complaining about her crummy naps to her pediatrician, and how a few times recently she'd actually fallen asleep on her mat during play time. And her pediatrician was like "You should have seen tiredness cues before that and PUT her down for a nap. Like an hour before that." And it was a big lightbulb moment because I'd just been letting her set her own sleep schedule before that. Which is perfectly correct for a tiny new baby, but we'd now moved past that. I also thought that if it took much effort to get her to sleep at all that it meant she wasn't ready for a nap. Not so. When I started really 'putting' her down for a nap it would sometimes be 10-15 minutes of rocking while she fought it, but then she'd sleep for like 2 hours, so obviously she really was tired, but just like adults babies sometimes have problems actually getting to sleep. Even if they're tired. So I started watching for her cues- rubbing eyes and yawning, being more cuddly. Also I use a baby tracker app for sleep (as well as food and diapers) so that helps me look at her schedule over say, the last month, and get a feel for it. So, her routine for the last couple weeks, 9.5 to 10.5 months has been- Wake up for the day mid-morning. Play for 2 hours. This is her shortest awake period, sometimes she starts yawning at 1, or 1.5 hours and I start moving into our nap routine then. But she's not usually asleep until 2 hours from wake up anyway. Sometimes now it's 3 hours or even closer to 4. So- tired baby cues. I shut the blinds and make it dim 10-20+ minutes ahead. Turn on white noise, she likes ocean waves or river. Sometimes lullaby music too. Start talking quieter, being less active, not doing loud stuff, or anything that riles her up. Really get that sleepy atmosphere going. Make a bottle. I schedule her bottles to go before naps because they really help her get sleepy. We sit down on the couch together and I give her her bottle. If I'm really lucky she falls asleep eating her bottle and I let her sleep next to me on the couch. Done. If she's really groggy but awake, I'll lay her on the couch and she'll usually drift off on her own. Sometimes I sit her on my lap and rock a bit or jiggle my knee and make shushing noises while we watch some tv. And then when she's been asleep for on me for a few minutes and is really out cold I lay her down next to me. And then she sleeps next to me for 1 to 2.5 hours. If I stay right there. 🙄 She half wakes up every so often and sort of cracks one eye open to make sure I'm still there. And if I'm not all hell breaks loose. If I am she'll go right back to sleep or maybe fuss for a second and I pat her back a little and she's back out. Lately she's been sleeping w one foot touching me, and if we get separated she'll wiggle over, in her sleep, to reconnect. If I get up and leave she'll be up and screaming either immediately or within 30 minutes, super upset, and the whole nap is over, so this is my compromise. I get two hours of peace and quiet all to myself as long as I'm within a foot of her. Usually I read, check tumblr and FB, play a video game, or watch TV. Sometimes I bring a project w me, like a pile of laundry to fold, or thank you cards or something. I always bring water and snacks and try and pee before hand. It's sort of a hold over from our nursing routine when she'd breastfeed for like 45 minutes and then nap on me and I needed to be camped out w everything I'd need. We just started the couch sleeping, before this we'd put her in her cradle and rock it w a foot, and she'd sleep there, still insisting on being right next to you, and when she'd fuss I'd rock her a little and she'd drift back off. So when she wouldn't go all the way to sleep yesterday after almost 2 hours I popped her back in the cradle and rocked her to sleep. She's outgrowing it, and I'm really happy she doesn't need all the rocking, I think it's a good step towards more independent sleeping, but I'm still keeping it around for "emergencies". It used to bug me a little, at first, all the stuff I could get done if she'd sleep by herself. But I'm a stay at home mom, and she's my first and only baby, and it won't last, none of it does, so I just try and enjoy my quiet time and accept it. I think it's pretty natural for a baby to want mom close, and our routine's clearly evolving and changing to fit her needs so I'm not too worried about her being too clingy or anything. She's been having a hard time cutting teeth too, and that's making her a little extra clingy right now. So she sleeps 10 hours at night, then up for 2, nap for 2, up for 3-4, nap for 2, up for 3-5, go to bed. Repeat. I go by how long it's been between things rather than following a clock schedule like 'nap every day at 2pm', so our routine flexes a little each day, earlier or later, but it's usually within an hour or so. And that allows for things to change pretty organically overtime.When we started the nap routine I'd also tuck her in w the same blanket and soft toy every time too because I think rituals are comforting and it's good to have as many signals as possible about what's happening, but she doesn't seem attached to that, and things are pretty settled now so we don't always do that. She actually gets really hot when she sleeps so she sleeps better if she's not bundled up. Also she just dropped her 3rd nap on and off about a month ago, her 2 day naps used to be a little earlier and then she'd take a 3rd nap late, but that seems well and truly over now, booo, so I've nudged her 2nd nap later so she's not losing it at bedtime. If the second naps earlier or she seems really tired we bump bed time up an hour early. We're still perfecting this.So. That's what's working for us. 🤷‍♀️ I'd say watch for the tiredness cues, and start a routine so they can expect what's coming. Make the environment really conducive. Dim, quiet, music, lavender oil, whatever you and your family like for sleep or think is good. Err on the side of more routine to start and then drop things that don't end up being important later. Anything people recommend for bed time works for nap time too. Same blanket, read the same book, sing the same song, etc. We have a super bare bones bed time routine, basically pjs-bottle-bed, because bed time is almost never an issue. But for naps we need it. 🤷‍♀️Your baby might sleep longer if they're near you? Eve's always napped in the living room w me, I like to be able to keep an eye on her. Also Eve wakes up mid nap sometimes for 5-10 minutes, but if I mostly ignore her, maybe a few back pats and then go back to whatever I was doing and ignore her, she'll usually settle back down and fall back asleep for another good chunk of time. So your baby may not be truly 'up' and totally done w their nap after 30 minutes? I dunno. Every baby's so super different. Good luck!Jfc. Sorry for the novel everybody. 🤦‍♀️