#I'm explaining this badly bc I can't put into words my full thoughts about it

[teatitty]

I can't even take the chuunin exam argument seriously anymore because it's literally just two traumatised PTSD riddled men who are overprotective of the students taking one comment just a little too personally and blowing up about it. Kakashi happens to hear Iruka question the motives of the kids' teachers and is pretty obviously thinking "did this bitch just imply I don't care about the kids I literally almost died for?" and so reactively snaps back without thinking first with the cruelest thing he can (which is to say how it could be fun to break them in with pain) with the sole purpose of goading Iruka's infamous temper to which Iruka, who is also super protective of the kids and also just took this personally, rises to that goad and snaps back directly to Kakashi and then it becomes a fucking fire

And this all could've been avoided if even one of them had thought to calmly explain their perspectives in private but unfortunately they're both protective of the kids and tend to let their emotions take over in regards to said kids' safeties [such as: both of them being ready and willing to sacrifice themselves to protect their students] and it leads to this. All because they just happen to be a little too similar and all I can do is laugh at them for not seeing it at the time. The interactions they'd had prior to this were always good natured and friendly so you'd think they'd know not to get reactionary about this stuff but alas! They're only human and shit happens

[psychologeek]

So I have a new fic. Shocking, I know.

(Yes, I'm still late with 2 assignments. Any help with writing the letter to the professor is welcome. explaining I can't stay awake more than an hour for the last weeks is hard.)

It's inspired by @byrambles fic "another mirror".

Explanations+thoughts+side notes under "read more"

Summary:

Damian is sitting on the cot in the containment cell when the world ends.

"You will be facing charges in twelve hours," says the older version of his brother. "By the Justice League court.”

...

Of legacy, family, and Learned Helplessness.

(How do you push forward when your reasons are gone?)

It's kinda dark. Which is very understandable, as I wrote it when I was very hurt and suicidal. (I'm better now. But I now it happens).

Thoughts and notes from the writing process below-v

Tevya: wait, I just realized Dami thinks THE OTHERS ARE DEAD.

Me: I don't know if he thinks they are dead, but they are surely lost for him - so might as well be dead. (For extra angst: Something about Object Permanence, and knowing things doesn't disappear just bc u can't see it. Another thing about separation anxiety and how, for Dami, it's a well learned lesson that if he doesn't see someone, if he doesn't keep an eye on them, they are probably dead)

D

About Trauma, PTSD and cPTSD (as I see it). About Dami's inner monologue/broken sentences.

Some things just doesn't have words. PTSD is The unspoken break, the fractured paragraph in one's story. cPTSD is a swollen book, one that fell into the sink and only some of the words can be recognised. You may have a full chapter, or a several words, or some pages are so badly destroyed you fear even looking at them. And even after, even after you dried that book and put it in a safe place - Those pages will always be heavy, and broken, and wounded. This book will always be different than the others.

(But it's still worth it)

About the scene with Dami prepare for his death:

So, I'm not Muslim - I'm Jewish.

But this scene is heavily inspired by the many, many people we lost during the holocaust. Not just for death, but also from the group. They were lost to our people, our nation, for ever, and so are their descendants.

One of the most told stories I remember being told as a kid, is one of a Rabbi who went looking in every orphanage and Monastery, And whnever he was told "we don't have any Jewish kids here" he asked them to bring in all the kids. Then he said "Shma Israel" (a prayer, one of the simplest, many people use to say it also at bed before going to sleep). Every kid who put a hand on their eyes, he was like - yes, they are Jewish.

And it's small. But I also think of all those who WEREN'T found .

Idk.

I have a lot of feelings about culture and groups.

About Tim& Dami's escape+Alfred's death:

In my head, Dami tried to die once when he was about 9-10, and Alfred found him. They made sort of agreement, so Dami promised he'll take care of himself, and Alf promise they'll escape. In my head, a short while after Tim was taken they were meant to escape. Was it only enough for two people? Or did Alfred stayed back to cover them? Idk. But the results is this: Dami and Tim escaped and caught up after about a week. (Did B killed Alfie? Did he make Dami do that as part of his punishment? Did Alfie killed himself, so he won't tell where they are? Trader's choice.)

[fuckyeahkillianemma]

ANdThis time I'm not apologizing for writing too much, I'm just warning you that I wrote too much. LOL!

First, let me show you my reaction when I saw that there were already two new chapters in your story:

Also me, when I was reading them:

I can't explain how much it hurt to read these last two parts, like i was losing my shit while having a crisis over upstead at the same time LOL!. When you said you would put Hailey through hell... WELL, I BELIEVE YOU KNOW! And let me quote Ava here: WHY DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME SO BADLY?! This was painful but at the same time i just love it -my deep down love for angst- too much. And even if i repeat myself over and over again with the same thing, i just feel the need to tell you how much i love the way you write. You're awesome and sooo good, and i'm freaking happy i found your stories.

Let me combine these two parts of both chapters that I love too much:

Ch. 2:

He grabbed Hailey’s bloody hand, giving it a firm squeeze, looking her directly in her bloodshot eyes, “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Hailey swallowed hard before acknowledging his comforting, steady words with a firm nod. Hank was already moving...

Ch. 3:

She stood there, eyes brimming with tears and Voight had never seen Hailey look as vulnerable and brave as she did in that moment. He pulled her into a hug, and he could feel a few tears where she’d buried her face into his neck as she held onto him with trembling arms.

One of my favorite things on the show it's Hailey and Hank relationship, like i know we don't get to see them much BUT when we see them i just love what they built, and UGH! I COULDN'T BE MORE HAPPIER THAT YO PUT THIS HERE!

With her other shaky hand, Hailey stroked Jay’s forehead lovingly, “You gotta hold on, Jay. You gotta hold on for me.”

She glanced at his vital signs on the monitor and she knew enough about medicine to know that they weren’t good so she brought their joined hands to her heart, sandwiching them between her and Jay’s chest as she leaned over to be close to his face.

And she kissed him, lightly and reverently; his lips cold and un-responding but she didn’t care because she could feel the faint puffs of air coming from them and that was enough.

It wasn’t the best kiss she’d ever given. And it certainly wasn’t the most passionate they’d ever shared but it was real and raw and full of all the love she had for him.

STOP IT OMG THIS HURTS SO FREAKING MUCH BUT... BUT IT’S WAS SOOO BEAUTIFUL! You have a gift with words. I swear I could imagine this scene in my head while I was reading it and I can't help but feel terribly sorry for Hailey, all the fear she was going through, thinking that she might lose Jay right in a moment in her life that it was supposed to be perfect bc of their baby. Why do you make me cry like that ?!

Now, excuse me bc i’m gonna lose it so much bc of this:

And she thought about Hailey: her best friend, how they met and hit it off pretty much right away with similar personalities. All the days since, talking about their respective husbands and planning a future. She thought of all the secrets they’d shared during a girl’s night out or a slumber party with no husbands allowed.

YOU MAKE THEM FRIENDS! like i knew it because you made it clear in the first chapter, but read it... OMG! I LOVE IT SO FREAKING MUCH; THANK U! My two fav girls in OC are friends and i dunno what to say bc i just LOVE it. And above that, i love the fact that Ava it's the only one that knows that Hailey is preggo. I MEAN THEY ARE REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS IN HERE. THIS IS MY DREAM FIC-WORLD! How I wish this had really happened on the tv show. Hailey and Ava in an scene together... whathever, OMG YOUR CROSSOVERS ARE MY JAM AND I LOVE YOU FOR THAT!

One of the paramedics was doing chest compressions while the other one had scurried back from the door to keep bagging. Hailey was crowded into the corner. Her eyes wide with fear, never leaving Jay’s prone form.

She looked a mess; Blood was covering her shirt, her jeans, her hands and she was as pale as a ghost.

SERIOUSLY STOP IT!!! HURTS LIKE HELL! This is why i told you on my message that i was hating you, bc just when i thought i was okay BAM! You put other things that made me lose all my shit again... shit I didn't know I still had! HOLY CRAP!

Before they swung him into Trauma 1, Ava looked up from the other side of the gurney, grabbing Hailey’s hand to give it a squeeze. She looked her squarely in the eyes, “I’ve got him, I promise.”

Hailey swallowed, nodding before swiftly giving Jay a kiss on the temple and then the lips, falling behind into Will’s waiting embrace as they both watched Ava command the trauma room, ordering tests and x-rays.

I can go on and keep telling you how much I love this friendship that I never knew I needed until now. THANK U! <-and thank you not only for the friendship but also bc of Avey! I love her character too much and I love that at least here, I can still imagine her being her usual badass and caring person. As much as this chapters hurts i think are my favorites bc my two ships collided with each other.

Plus: HAILEY KISSING JAY GAVE ME ALL THE FEELS! <-sad feelings omg! I'm SO eager for the happy chapters aka Jay okay aka pain-free! LOL!

She wanted to scream and cry and hit the guy who was responsible for all of this. She wanted him to know that Jay was a good cop, a good husband and soon to be something more but that he didn’t even know it yet…that he might die without ever knowing it.

Me having crisis #18663220 because I didn’t know if I wanted to jump and laugh because they are having a baby, or if I wanted to shrink in a corner and cry because Jay was on the verge of death without knowing that he was someone's dad.

“Hey now,” Will embraced her tightly, “You don’t know that. Jay’s a fighter and Ava’s one of the best surgeons we have not to mention she might even be slightly more stubborn than Jay so if anyone has the willpower to pull him through this, she does.”

I honestly laughed my ass with this bc SO TRUE! Jay's stubborn but Ava Bekker is even more so don't even try to challenge her because she will win. HA!

Note: Can i be selfish and greedy here and ask for a fic with Ava and Hailey doing whatever you want: Girl's night, play date, lunch, double date... whatever you prefer, I don't care. I just need to read something with them together. HAHA!

She forced a smile through her tears, trying to block out the bad and let herself feel the euphoria of the past few weeks to let Will know that this was still exciting news despite the circumstances, “I promise, I’m happy about this but with Jay…”

Hailey met Will’s gaze, a bittersweet look on her face as she laughed in slight disbelief. Tears of joy and heartbreak streaming down her face.

“Tears of joy and heartbreak streaming down her face” <-SAME HERE JUST SO YOU KNOW! 

How dare they interrupt something so precious.

How dare the universe give her something only to possibly take something else away from her

HOW DARE YOU DARE TO MAKE ME BE A BALL OF EMOTIONS, AND JUMP FROM HAPPINESS TO SADNESS IN LESS THAN A MINUTE EVERY TIME!

She took a deep breath, “I asked Ava because I knew I could trust her to keep a secret. Not that anyone else wouldn’t but I could tell she’d already started to suspect it,” Hailey shrugged, “It must be that whole ‘doctor who’s also a mother who’s also one of my best friends’ thing. Anyways, I’m about twelve weeks along.”

i have a question here. Is it correct to say that your rhekker fics are in the same universe as your upstead fics? I mean, if i picture Ava as a mama, can i picture the baby gril you describe in your last rhekker fic? Or one fic has nothing to do with the other one? I'm just curious.

Hailey lifted her head, burying her face in her hands, “I thought about telling him when he—he was…after he was shot but he was saying all those things and I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want him to know what he’d be missing if--if,” She pressed her lips together, holding the spot where their child rested, totally unaware of what was happening.

Did i already told you how much i hate you rn? Bc a lot!! HAHAHAH LOL! *laughed with tears*

And last part, that it’s also the beginning bc this is how Ch. 2 started and this is how Ch. 3 finished:

Ch. 2:

She felt the comforting presence of her own team—Kev’s supporting arm around her waist, holding her up, Vanessa’s reassuring hand on her upper arm, Kim’s steady form directly behind her and Adam’s right next to Kim’s, his hand resting on her shoulder.

They were all radiating worry for Jay and support for her and Hailey could feel the love that they all had for each other. The bond that could only come from working with each other day after day in dangerous situations that required extreme amounts of trust and respect.

Ch. 3:

Heads hung and shoulders dropped. Adam swore under his breath and Kevin barely restrained himself from kicking a chair across the room.

Kim approached her slowly but with determination, pulling her into a hug and Vanessa hovered behind them, tears in her wide eyes. Platt’s hand landed heavy on her shoulder, tears in the Sargent’s faraway gaze and Voight’s jaw shifted, that familiar hard look in his eyes when something happened to his team.

It was like a mini fortress was now surrounding her. And if she closed her eyes hard enough, Hailey could almost imagine that everything was right in her world.

HOW FREAKING BEAUTIFUL IT’S THIS! ALL MY FEELINGS! This is -at least for me- so powerful. The way you write this and let us see that they were not only coworkers who respected each other, but also a big family that support one an other. I dunno how to explan it but i just can’t get over it! All of them are a freaking family and i couldn’t think in a better way to start and end the chapters!!  I LOVE IT SO MUCH! (but please, stop hurting me! I think i use all the sad gifs i have! HAHAHA!) So, so so freaking eager for the next episodes, and i’m so grateful you like upstead too, so i can read and enjoy your fics in this LONG hiatus! Thank u!

Another installment of my multi-chapter fic! Hope you enjoy and I’d love to hear what you think!