#I'm chronicalling this here

[storkmuffin]

Insomnia update. I've had insomnia, of the I Can Fall Asleep But I Can't Stay Asleep variety for oh, a year and a half? It's hell and I feel like it's detroying my mind. I'm in a halfway brain fog a lot of the time from tiredness, and I just power through it all because I'm Korean = perfectionist. These are the things I've tried that haven't made any difference to waking up at some hideous hour after 4-5 hrs of sleep when I need 8 hrs:

Abstaining: I cut out coffee, and then all caffeine, then most alcohol, then all alcohol.

Blue light limitation: Charge my phone in the other room at night, wear blue-light blocking glasses after sunset, turn down lights after sunset, and so on.

Bed accoutrements: black out eye mask, weighted black out eye mask, weighted blankets, aromatherapy sprays, tape that seals your lips shut to encourage deep breathing

Baths: foot baths, half-baths, saunas.

Exercise & motion: Worked out really hard, yoga, walked around outside in the sun for a minimum number of steps etc.

Bright light therapy: Loaned one of the Olly superbright lights that reset your circadian rhythm or whatever from the mental health clinic.

Meditation apps, hypnosis recordings, chanting the rosary before bed

Napping at lunch alternating with never napping.

Medically, I've had a barrage of blood tests (3 hormone tests to see if this is a hormone imbalance situation, which it isn't, and 2 thyroid tests for same, which it isn't). All my blood work and medical exam results are healthy and fine.

Next step, according to my doctor is to psychotherapy / sleep clinic who are likely to prescribe me antidepressants (which, given that I'm not depressed might just be a Woman Please Shut Up about Your Unsolvable Problem prescription) and slow-release sleeping pills (which will definitely create dependance). Holding off on doing this because these don't seem like solutions.

My mother the pharmacist suggested that I take a liver-function heightening supplement (ursodeoxycholic acid), so I started that today.

[sleidog]

chronicalling the adventures of a lil guy this is laoch! he's the character i'm using for the GW2 adventure challenge i considered a sideblog but i'm not about that life, so hey, here's a lil sapling he is currently: a ranger, his primary friend is a melandru's stalker, and he is level 17 and doing map comp on caledon forest! in his downtime he's a chef if he earns his level 80 and doesnt perma die, he'll get a proper backstory!

[kat2107]

The things they rarely tell you about being chronically ill:

The shit that the shit keeping you alive does to your body in the progress.

Felt fine yesterday.

Woke up this morning with the gastritis from hell.

Now, granted, I always have gastritis. That's an inevitable side effect of overdosing NSAIDs for a whole year of your life, but occasionally my stomach lining decides that "it's time" and I have gone "too far" again with the 5+ pills I chug for breakfast.

Maybe too much sugar lately? Maybe too much coffee? Maybe it was the meal I had last night? Maybe the one glass of beer? Maybe it was nothing and the apple I ate. Or maybe my shirt is too tight and the pressure set my stomach off. Who the fuck knows.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted.

Now, I'm gonna make a big batch of oatmeal without the fun. Ok, maybe apple sauce. Apple sauce is ok.

Here's one of the things they rarely tell you when you are chronicall ill and disabled:

The shit that's keeping you alive may keep you alive, but it comes at a price.

So take your PPI, limit your sugar, limit your acids limit your caffeine and alk, do not take meds on an empty stomach, brush your teeth.

[minaslittleone]

Fission & Fusion (Part 3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5

Summary: How did the refined and proper Wilhemina Venable end up working for two coked-up tech bros out of the back of a van?

An origin story of sorts, dedicated to the amazing @lucyintheskywithxanax who has developed such a beautiful and nuanced depiction of Mina. This was inspired by her incredible story “And I failed to climb the mountain”.

Word count: ~2500

Professor Thompson was not surprised that she had to go searching for Wilhemina the following evening. Part of her had hoped that the young woman would have been waiting for her, a sign that she was allowing herself to accept the genuine support proferred to her. That was not to be. It was only natural, she supposed, as she made her way through the concrete wasteland that served as the hotel's parking lot, that after a lifetime of being belittled and dismissed, of being told she was nothing but a burden, that Wilhemina would find it difficult to accept help. To even believe that the offer of help was genuine.

The older woman shook her head as she raised her her hand to knock on the door indicated by the disinterested girl working reception. The world, and people, really could be so cruel.

When her initial knock went unanswered, she tried again slightly louder this time. Again she was greeted by only silence.

"Wilhemina." she called out, as she knocked for a third time. "Wilhemina, it's Professor Thompson. Can you let me in dear?"

In the beat of silence that followed, she could feel Wilhemina's indecision - her pride balking at the idea of reaching out to accept the tender care that her heart so dearly yearned for. For now, pride relented.

There was a jangle of keys as nervous fingers fought against the lock and deadbolt. The door eased open a crack to reveal Wilhemina, shoulders curled in on themselves, head bowed, face obscured by a curtain of red hair and supporting a significant portion of her weight on her cane. Her form fitting dress from the previous day had been replaced by black leggings and a loose fitting faun jumper which dwarfed her slender frame, sleeves extending well past her wrists where her fingers toyed anxiously with the cuffs. As the older woman eased the door slightly further ajar she couldn't miss the way Wilhemina flinched, obviously uncomfortable with any kind of physical proximity.

"Wilhemina?" the older woman coaxed. Glassy brown eyes peaked from beneath swollen lids, tentatively meeting her gaze. As she did her long hair shifted just enough to reveal the array of grazes decorating her right cheek and temple, chronicalling the previous night's events like braille across her skin. Wilhemina fought against the instinct the pull away as the older woman gently lifted her hair to inspect the damage. And as much as she hated allowing anyone to bear witness to her weakness she couldn't help but wonder when she had last been touched with such tenderness.

And maybe that was what gave her the courage to recount the events of the night before, those soft, caring touches that spoke more than words ever could, that whispered insistently that she deserved so much more. From the grinding weight against her fingers to the sickening crunch of her skull on the concrete, the smell of stale alcohol and tobacco, and the taste of dispair as calloused fingers rifled through her book bag and located the money that was supposed to be her lifeline. And more than all of that, the shame of laying sprawled out on the concrete unable to move.

Eventually the sound of the steal capped boots had disappeared into the distance, apparently deciding she wasn't worth any further humiliation. You're too ugly even for that, her mother's voice cooed. Slowly, she had managed to lever herself from the ground, bracing herself between her cane and the wall. Her trembling fingers had finally managed to overcome the lock but all too late. She stumbled across the threshold, collapsing onto the bed, curling in on herself in a futile attempt to prevent any further pain.

Professor Thompson's fingers were back at her cheek, tenderly chronically the array of scrapes and bruises that were beginning to blossom across her pale skin. How hard had she hit her head? Did she lose consciousness? Does it hurt if I push here? Any blurred or double vision? Any other injuries? Her hands? Her knees? Her back? No. All just bruised, like her ego, and her heart.

Wilhemina remained fascinated by the cuffs of her sweater throughout Professor Thompson's assessment, fingers picking at small imperfections in the fabric. By the time she raised her eyes the older woman was already moving busily around the room collecting her meagre possessions into her discarded book bag. "Have I missed anything dear?" Wilhemina could only shake her head dumbly in response though her confusion must have permeated her features for Professor Thompson quickly added "If you think for one moment I am letting you stay here on your own Wilhemina, after what happened, you are very, very mistaken".

The older woman slung the sum total of Wilhemina's possessions easily over her shoulder, before extending her hands to the younger woman to help her to her feet. And for once Wilhemina felt no pity or judgement in the gesture, only genuine care.

It felt good to let go for a moment, she thought, as she allowed herself to be escorted to the older woman's car. To hand over the reins, even if momentarily, to someone who genuinely had her best interests at heart. She had always been independent, self-sufficient, mature; garnering praise from countless adults for how grown up she was ever since she was tiny. There had been other words too - bossy, control freak, frigid bitch - a need for order and precision in the small parts of her life that she could control. But she was so tired after trying to hold it all together on her own for so long. Because in reality she wasn't in control at all.

Wilhemina jumped as the driver's side door opened, having not really registered that Professor Thompson had disappeared, let alone returned. The older woman shot her a sympathetic glance in apology for having startled her before starting the car and pulling out of that god damn parking lot.

Not long after she found herself seated at her professor's kitchen table, a warm mug of sweetened tea once again pushed into her hands whilst the older woman cooked. She managed to only feel slightly guilty about that. The room reminded her a lot of the woman herself, no frills and practical but with an undeniable warmth, full of mismatched crockery rather than complete sets, as if each piece had been hand picked for its bawdy colour or intricate pattern. Like her office, Professor Thompson's home seemed a little worn around the edges in the best of ways, it spoke of memories and a life well lived. From the rings on the wooden table from endless hours of conversation over tea, to the dings in the plaster from exhuberant grandchildren the house could not be further from the modernist sterility Wilhemina had become accustomed to.

The next thing she knew a steaming bowl of stew was being placed in front of her and the older woman was joining her at the table. "I hope you don't mind, dear, I know it's nothing very fancy" the older woman added as Wilhemina stared fixatedly at the bowl in front of her. Don't be so rude you ungrateful idiot. "No of course not, it's smells wonderful, it's just that I don't think anyone has ever cooked anything for me before. Thank you."

The older woman paused at that, spoon left resting against the side of her bowl. "Surely your mother did, at least?" Wilhemina scoffed at that, the very idea of Fleur Venable undertaking a task a menial as cooking was almost amusing. "No, my mother never had much interest in cooking, especially when she could pay someone to do it for her." A wry smile passed over the older woman's face "Maybe I should have listened when everyone told me to go into private practice rather than academia, it certainly seems to have worked out well enough for your father. Though I don't think I would have found much contentment in commercial law, I don't think I would have been particularly fond of spending my professional life making rich people richer."

"I don't think it brought my father much contentment either, though that might have been living with my mother" Wilhemina muttered, drawing unapologetic laughter from the older woman. After that the meal was finished in comfortable silence.

Wilhemina was about offer to help with clearing the table when something fuzzy brushed against her leg drawing an embarrassing squeak from her, which she quickly clamped her hand over her mouth in an attempt to muffle. "Oh it's alright, my dear, it's just Miko. Hello my sweet boy" the older woman cooed to the grey tabby cat rubbing affectionately at her ankles. "Oh I know sweetheart, I missed you too."

Miko, seemingly satisfied that he had greeted his mistress appropriately, took that moment to return his attention to Wilhemina, who's anxious gaze flicked between the cat and his owner. "Oh I'm sorry my dear, you're not allergic are you?" the older woman asked in response to Wilhemina's obvious apprehension. "No, I'm just not very good with animals" Wilhemina replied as Miko began sniffing at her ankles.

"He likes it if you scratch behind his ears" the older woman suggested.

So, slowly, Wilhemina allowed her right hand to unfurl from it's safe home in her lap downwards towards the inquisitive feline, or at least as far as her spine would allow. Miko craned his neck upwards to bridge the gap, first sniffing at her fingers before quickly beginning to nuzzle against them. Hesitantly Wilhemina began to trail her nails along the cats scalp, concentrating her ministrations behind his ears as his owner had suggested. She was rewarded by purrs of contentment, as Miko nuzzled into her hand with increased vigour. She couldn't help but smile at that.

Soon after Miko raised his front paws onto the bottom railing of the chair in an effort to get closer to Wilhemina, and began nuzzling into her thigh in earnest.

"What is he doing?"

"Oh don't worry, dear" the older woman replied. "He's just saying that he likes you. Well I suppose to be more correct he's transferring his scent onto to you to claim you as his, just in case any other cats get any ideas."

"I don't think anyone has ever claimed me as theirs before" Wilhemina whispered, fingers still threading tenderly through Miko's fur.

"Well Miko certainly has and so have I" the older woman replied, "and we both happen to have excellent taste."

Wilhemina could only reply with a small, trembling smile.

"Now come on dear, you've had quite an eventful few days and I doubt you slept much last night"

Wilhemina nodded and allowed herself to be escorted up the stairs towards the guest room, Miko following closely on her heals.

The room which Professor Thompson showed her to was already bathed in warm light from the bedside lamp and her book bag had been placed upon the quilt covered bed.

"Now the bathroom is just across the hall, dear, and I've put out fresh towels for you. If you need anything during the night my room is just down the hall, ok?"

"I'll be ok, but thank you" Wilhemina offered the older woman a shy smile.

Professor Thompson made to leave for the night before turning back unable to stop herself. "Forgive me asking dear, but haven't you heard from your parents? Surely they must be worried where you are?"

Wilhemina did not share her certainty. "I haven't checked my phone." Perhaps childishly she didn't want to check, because until she did she could cling onto the slim hope that maybe her parents did want to know where she was.

"You should check, my dear" the older woman coaxed. "I'll give you some privacy, but I'll be downstairs if you need me"

"Actually" Wilhemina blurted before the courage abandoned her, "would you stay?"

Professor Thompson took a seat on the bed beside her as she rifled through her book bag for her cell phone. One missed call. She almost couldn't believe it when her father's cell phone number blinked back at her on the LCD screen. With trembling fingers she retrieved the voicemail.

"Wilhemina, I understand that your mother can be difficult but surely all this fuss isn't necessary. If this was about making a point, you've made it, you can stop with this childish fit and the two of you can discuss this like adults. Honestly Wilhemina, you know I don't have time for this right now, the McMahon case goes to trial in less than a week, I have better things to be doing with my time than be refereeing some petty squabble between you and your mother. Just sorted it out."

Professor Thompson killed the voicemail halfway through the pre-recorded list of options, they certainly didn't want to listen to the message again.

"I'm so sorry, dear, I shouldn't have pushed you to check."

Wilhemina shrugged. "If I'm honest with myself, I didn't really expect anything different. I just hoped that maybe, I don't know..." she sighed. She did know, she had hoped that for once her parents would show ounce of love and affection, or even just anything more than apathy. Anything to indicate she was more than a burden or the fulfillment of a tickbox in the game of life.

"You would have thought that by now I would have stopped getting my hopes up" Wilhemina muttered, tears beginning to trickle down her cheeks.

"Never" the older woman asserted. "You get your hopes up because you care and you have such a capacity for love, which makes you so much more than either of them will ever be."

She reached up tenderly to wipe the tears from the younger woman's cheeks, careful to avoid to avoid the dark purple bruising now staining her right cheek.

"Besides, their loss is my gain and you have a place here for as long as you need it"

[theboardwalkbody]

Monday night I ended up seeing my BF. He wasn't feeling so great (stomach issues) but it started when he had dinner and he felt better by morning so figured it was just that his dinner disagreed with him. No problem.

Yesterday I, unexpectedly, had Taltz. (Sounds weird but just roll with it. I wasn't expecting it to happen yesterday).

I felt kinda feverish (and did have a low grade fever) last night. I took a bath and laid down and it was still there. I ended up only eating a few tablespoons of some plain mashed potatoes for dinner.

Lay down for sleep around 7.

Fell asleep around 11/1130.

Woke up at 1230.

Woke up at 230p and was sweating and needed the bathroom because Issues. Spent like 20mins in there dying.

At 3 I settled back into bed and tried to sleep. Stomach (and uterus) cramps. Period is over but here we are, cramping and bleeding again. The pain kept me up for another hour.

4am the cramps died down. Thought maybe I could sleep for an hour and a half (work 8a to 8p so alarm goes off at 620a). Nope.

At 5 I messaged my manager and let her know I'm not going to be able to make it today. They're not happy and I understand.

Now it's 515am. I am hot (like feverish hot) and I'm sitting outside.

My bf asked me to promise him I would go in today (last night around 10) and I did. So now I feel bad that I broke that promise and called out. I'm anxious over calling out too which isn't helping me feel better.

He's got a whole novel chronicalling my night in real time. But I don't want him to be mad at me. Cos I promised. Or disappointed. Thinking maybe I didn't try.

Or maybe I'm projecting idk.

Also idk what caused it. Maybe it was the Taltz (but I can't find much about it other than injection site pain and swelling, which I definitely have) or maybe he had a stomach bug and I caught it. Or what. Idk.

I know I'll probably feel better with sleep once I can get comfortable enough to actually fall asleep. And once my body lets me sleep because right now it's really not. I mean, I've already been up since 230.

And it is aggravating because if I didn't have to get up at 6 maybe I still could have gone today. If I didn't have to leave by 7.

But a 12hr shift, an hour away from home, with only roughly 3 hours of broken sleep.... Idk if I could have done it. And then add in the feverish and aching and stomach unease even after basically clearing everything out at 230.

Or maybe I'm just making it all up and being a baby and should have gotten over it and delt with it and go in regardless. Idk

[lydiaalin]

Hey can I ask for some cog recomendations? Whenever I find a new game that I like I find art from you, so I'm guessing we have similar taste, so if you have time I would be very happy to know which text games you like ^^

Uuuum boy, there’s so many though for me a lot of them, I love the concept but the game itself is eh? yolo let’s see, in no particular order 

For released ones: 

Choice of  the Vampire 

Slammed! (?? it was kinda fun honestly) 

Avatar of the Wolf

Zombie Exodus: Safe Haven (never finished the original one woops)

Tin Star

Samurai of Hyuga

Wayhaven Chronicales (duh)

Fallen Hero: Rebirth 

Now, most of the WIPs/Demos have a lot of information, whether on tumblr or the forums, but might not have the much in the game buuuut I’m still gonna throw them on here (again, in no particular order)

Diaspora

SoS: Mortal Coil

Children of the Gods (going through a revamp)

Fox of Sunholt (also going through a revamp)

Vendetta: Rise of Gangster (again, revamp)

The Golden Eagle (on hiatus)

A Thousand Miles of Sky

Omens: Hierophant

Model Citizens: Unmasked

Shepherds of Haven (on hiatus)

Apex Predators (not much on it but, I really love the concept, and rinari’s writing is 👌)

The Hunter’s Sacrifice

I’m sure I’m forgetting some, either because they’re not that active or because my memory is just unreliable lmao but uhhh there you go ?