#I'm aware that the anxiety is being unrealistic and it was probably just a weird bite

[transgender-catboy]

the worst feeling in the world is eating something only for the texture to be off and now you're stuck worrying if you somehow chewed on a bug or somethin

[blackcherrykiss]

BLOOD BOUNDARIES - Enhypen OT7 Fanfic (ch.7)

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You fell into a distrustful panic that night now that knew the screams of the woods were also where Jungwon and his friends lived. You weren't sure if you should be scared for those group of boys or be scared of them. You'd be lying to yourself if you tried to believe it was only a coincidence the boys had a place in the forest of violent cries.

You questioned your sanity, were they murderers? Was that their dirty secret?

Your conclusions were endlessly dark, repeating themselves countlessly. You had never wanted to sleep away your thoughts more than ever. Eventually, you got exhausted from your thoughts. It was mentally draining to try and tear apart the possibilities of the situation, you didn't have enough evidence to be so sure. You lay in a cold sweat as you drifted off into a deep but horrible sleep.

You dreamt in full awareness. The boys with blood spilling down their hands and onto their swan white clothes. A red mess everywhere on the cream walls of an orphanage that overflowed with rays of a full moon. Although you were scared of what you were witnessing, you could not wake up even if your life depended on it. It seemed as if the dream had sped up your sleep as you woke in what felt like a few seconds. Calmly, you awoke in the misty autumn morning in a crushed up pile of blankets. You sit up to peel your wispy curtains away from the window to get a good look at the dark forest that steamed with a muddy blue fog. All of the memories of Jungwon yelling at you for just being near the woods flooded your brain as you stared. This time you were determined to search deep into that forest and get to the bottom of its mysteries as it called out to you.

"Y/N I think you're going to be late for your first class." Nana knocked before bursting into your room in full uniform, not a wrinkle on her shirt.

"Y-you're already ready? What time is it?!" You glanced back and forth between your pyjamas and uniform that draped over a random stool as you were too lazy to fold nicely the night before.

"We didn't want to wake you... So we went ahead thinking you'd come down eventually." She yanked you out of bed, gripping your forearms tightly before backing out the door, "Don't be late! We promised we'd keep out of detention this year!"

Within a blink of an eye, you slip into your uniform, slinking your arms through the holes of your blouse and adjusting your legs to be cover by your ashy plaid skirt. With your bag and binder in hand, you sprinted across your campus to the gymnasium where you found yourself arriving, everyone already in the proper athletic attire.

"You're late."  Your health teacher grit her teeth in visible disappointment. Your teacher knew how unlike you it was to be late as your classmate's eyes followed your every movement.

"P-pardon me." You clawed your fingers through your bedhead, speeding to the change room, nervous she'd assign you detention.

You let out the deep breath you were holding in as you got into the empty locker room, frustrated at yourself for waking up so late. You can't help but feel upset that you let your thoughts get the best of you and ruin your perfect attendance. Truly you were ashamed but began to see no point in continuing to rush the pace at which your day was running.

The locker room door opens and you see Kyungeun peep herself inside, "Y/N? You alright?"

You pull your boxy shirt flat down, zipping and tying every spot on your tracksuit jacket, "Yeah, sorry rough morning..."

"No worries, I just said that I had to go to the bathroom but I really just wanted to check on you." She had a motherly sound to her voice which comforted your bad start to the day. Perhaps she was in a good enough mood for you to ask her briefly about her relationship with Sunghoon.

"Kyungeun, I think I need to just clear the air... I saw you with Sunghoon in the library." You tilted your head in regret as to whether or not you were starting off the conversation in the right direction.

"Y-you saw us???" Her face drained to an unrealistic hue, "Lord... Sunghoon will kill me if he finds out you know."

"Stop! What do you mean? He'll kill you? Is it because I know that you two are dating?"

"NO! Nevermind then!" She cut you off right after the question mark in your voice. She looked rather relieved at your response which could only mean their relationship was much different than you had presumed. "I just can't tell you about our relationship I'm s-sorry it's between just us two."

"So then it's okay for him to flirt with my roommate?"

"No? Are you serious right now ?!" Kyungeun panicked.

"So you are dating?" You gave a smug smile.

"It's not that..." She was visibly frustrated not being able to describe herself in words, "I'll tell you this, I'm bound to him..." She ran her index finger along the reddened gash on her neck  He's blackmailing me."

"So you're like his pet?" You held in your laughter, you knew you should be more serious but you had no other way of trying to help Kyungeun express the gist of her relationship.

"I'll tell you another day...  Let's just go before the teacher gets mad at you for taking so long to change."

...

After your class full of advanced leg exercises and mediocrely fun games, you got halted by your gym teacher, "Y/N can we speak about how tardy you were today?"

You got fearful of her sentencing you detention, freezing up from your heel upwards, "I'm so sorry, I just had a lot going on last night..."

"Sweetie, I know this is your first late in my class but unfortunately the school does not tolerate tardiness in the way I believe it should be." She tapped her chin a few times, "I have no other choice but to send you to detention but it'll just be a half-hour at lunch." You felt better that it wasn't for a full hour or two after school but you were still dreading the idea.

"Can't you just let me off the hook? I promise it'll never happen again" You pleaded desperately.

"I'm afraid I cannot... If the other teachers or students knew you didn't get sent to detention I could get into trouble for giving you 'special treatment'. I know you didn't mean to love but I cannot afford to lose my job so I'll see you then." She patted one of your shoulders, giving it a little squeeze to cheer you up.

"I understand..." You nod with your head that already hung low.

"It's in the English room down the hall, there is usually only a few students there. Some familiar faces."

...

That rest of your morning would only pull through faster as you got some weird anxiety over walking into the detention room. You could not concentrate at all in the class you had before lunch. You felt as if you were too good for the detention group of kids, but here you were about to join those you criticized. Karma.

"Make sure to answer the questions 8-16 on page 300, you have the rest of the class to do so. Any questions?" Your physics teacher stood with his hands balled up behind his back.

Realizing you had no physics book in your bag after triple checking, you shot your arm up in distress, "ME! I forgot my textbook today... I was in a rush this morning." You faked a polite laugh with the expectation your teacher would have a spare.

"I'm afraid I don't have an extra, anyone willing to share?" The teacher lifted his head to scan the class.

"I could share." Jaeyun winked making your face recoil

"Perfect! You'll probably have to move your stuff to his seat then." Your teacher suggested.

With a thick coat of disappointment, you pulled a chair up to Jaeyun's desk to which he kneed you annoyingly.

Within just a few seconds of settling down, you complained "How the hell am I supposed to write? There is no space... Desks are made for ONE person."

"Okay then don't use my textbook and fall behind" He sneered.

"Wait wait, I just had the greatest idea Jaeyun." He gave you puppy eyes when you said his name, "What if you look for half the answers I do the other half then exchange?" You whispered so the teacher could hear.

"I can't trust you make good answers though..." He jokingly sighed.

"HEY! Okay or work together for every question to get it done twice as fast? Oh wait but then I'll be the one carrying the team... Bummer..." You stretched the corners of your mouth until your lips disappeared.

"I honestly don't feel like doing work so lose-lose." He pouted and rolled his eyes.

"Same... I can't even focus, I'm having a rough morning..." You openly admitted, "I got sent to detention for being late in my first class."

"Detention? Didn't think you were the type." Jaeyun had an unexpectedly sweet giggle which contrasted with his lower tone voice, "Heeseung and Sunghoon get sent often, surprised they aren't kicked out of the school."

"They get sent often?!" Your voice rose to which you quickly quieted down to avoid trouble, "Will I see them there?"

"Why? Looking forward to going now?" Jaeyun whispered with a grin, causing you to scoff.

"As if..." A sudden idea coming to mind, "Say Jaeyun... About the party... Heard you guys have a place in the woods...?" You became aware that you could pry some information out of him that would help you when searching the woods that night.

"Yeah, we do... We don't normally tell people about it." He said casually yet still with some sort of caution.

"So why tell us then?"

"Haven't had any visitors in a while..." Jaeyun toyed with his mechanical pencil, using the plastic part to trace around his lips, "Awfully interested aren't you?" He seemed to have caught on to your intentions, shifting the mood of the conversation around in a full 180.

Suddenly the dream you had earlier slipped into mind, causing you to sit in growing discomfort, "What do you want from my friends and I?"

"Nothing sweetheart... We're more interested in you than your dormmates. You look like someone we know." He laughed like a psycho and it creeped you out how the two of you were just poking lighthearted jokes to something much darker and mysterious, "I know you're afraid of us, you know far more than most girls." His voice dropped to a whisper as he watched the teacher behind you to make sure he didn't see the both of you slacking.

"Kyungeun knows your secrets too she said she'll tell me."

"She's acting like we don't know her secrets." Jaeyun closed his textbook, "Y/N just remember this, Kyungeun is half as bad as we are and half as pure as you are."

"Alright class, that's it for today's class. This textbook assignment won't be due until Friday have a good lunch." The teacher interrupted, causing your conversation with Jaeyun to end on a hanging note.

"Good luck with detention."Jaeyun hushed in your ear.

_______________

p.s, i changed the cover lol don’t make fun of my photoshop skills!

[mwoonvvsthestars]

Tracking Moods 5/27/21 😶

Today was a weird one.

Dave's graduation was today. Hung out with him and ren and had a blast. I'm off my meds tho and it's 3 am rn. While I was taking Ren home I remembered a dream(?) I had, I have no clue when, where I was dead. I was dark and cold and I was formless, I had no worry and was at peace, and asleep. When the memory came into my head I would get a chill around a flower-crown part of my head and then through my whole body. It made me feel like crying, I yearn for that feeling and hope to go back tonight in my dream. I told Ren about this, making Ren probably know the most about the darker side of my mind. On my way home I talked with God. He sent a huge thunderstorm over me and I held back my tears. I don't know why we must be separated by such a distance, but in that moment I felt him in the car with me. I turned off the music in the car and drove back in silence. When I got home I went to through away Ren's monster can, and despite being in a storm, NO rain fell on me. All of this meant something BIG, by I have no clue. I'm too small right now. When I'm older and wiser maybe. I'm bookmarking this page.

Depression - ~~~~

Anxiety - between a 4-9 all day

Song of the day: no song for today, love you

Tracking moods 5/31/21

I forgot about the Midnight Gospel. That show was something special. I keep getting pulled deeper and deeper into these new worlds, and I'm scared, you know. I'm pseudo-spiritual, I'm just kinda a broken guy chasing thrills like everyone else.

Its east to admit that because it makes me feel more self aware. There's no escape from my own mind here. Just the same loop as always. I suppose some part of me believes it all though.

I can't log into Albertsons for some reason. Sort of scary but that's life you know. Who cares if it works out. And you know what, that's what Shamblin wants right?! For me to be more grounded in reality right? But someone grounded in reality is terrified of that sort of thing. I don't need reality, I need to fufill my desires even if it makes myself delusional. Why am I some slave to reality when it all goes away when I die? I want to be a musician, or someone who ho makes ppl happy. I wanna live with my friends and go on nightwalks. I want to live in other countries. I want to hit challenger in league. I want to fall in love and get married and adopt kids even though I don't need to. I WANT to live an unrealistic and confused life.

Depression - 5

Anxiety - 3

Song of the day - still mos thoser

Tracking moods 6/5/21

-

Tracking moods 6/6/21

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Tracking moods 6/7/21 😞

man.

seroquel don't work all too well I guess.

I'm tired and sort of want to escape.

I had a good birthday but it all is just too much.

I need to work hard to make money

or I won't make it at all

oooughe

I certainly don't feel like journaling. My depression is very high. maybe it will go away tomorrow. New meds might suck?

song of the day: 4 morant

Depression: 8

Anxiety: ?

6/8/21

-

Tracking Moods 6/9/21

Only God is with me now

I'm deeper than one could even imagine,

yet,

my hands bob freely on the surface while

my arms and head are pushed farther down.

Even the stars must close their eyes

and drift into an endless sleep

yet,

I must stay here wide awake

I must stay here wide awake

The hands that come to pull me up

have only shown to pull me down,

yet,

Here I go to wash ashore

here I go for others sake

And yet I find it nicer here;

Though sometimes I do wonder how

Than darkness in eternal sleep

or brimstone lakes instead of tears

I'll stay here for a couple years

If only to keep my deathbed warm.

Anxiety: HIGH

Depression: 9

I've wanted to share a couple passages from my journal on here for a while. Today was one of the roughest days I've had in a while, but going through my journal was meditative and relieving. I've dug myself out of the grave once again, but let it be known how close I am some days. Maybe I'll check myself into a mental hospital if I get this low again.

And for Ren, who has been texting me that they love me the whole time I've been writing this, I love you too.

[thebibliophagist]

   Goodreads   Amazon

“For as long as I could remember, I had been apologizing for existing, for trying to be who I was, to live the life I was meant to lead.”

I have been trying for about thirty minutes to come up with an adequate summary of this book.  A summary that doesn’t belittle the subject matter or leave out any important details. A summary that doesn’t reveal any spoilers. I’m at a loss, honestly, so here is the official blurb:

Amanda Hardy is the new girl in school in Lambertville, Tennessee. Like any other girl, all she wants is to make friends and fit in. But Amanda is keeping a secret. There’s a reason why she transferred schools for her senior year, and why she’s determined not to get too close to anyone. And then she meets Grant Everett. Grant is unlike anyone she’s ever met—open, honest, kind—and Amanda can’t help but start to let him into her life. As they spend more time together, she finds herself yearning to share with Grant everything about herself…including her past. But she’s terrified that once she tells Grant the truth, he won't be able to see past it. Because the secret that Amanda’s been keeping? It’s that she used to be Andrew.

So first things first, I think I need to start with a little disclaimer.  I am a straight cisgender female.  I understand and fully acknowledge that I cannot relate to Amanda’s struggles.  This book was not written for me, and that is completely okay.

Now, onto some rants, which you are fully welcome to skip--

In case you hadn’t realized, the year is 2017 and for some reason, trans people are still an issue.  I work in a medical practice, and we have trans patients. (Not many, but some.) Is this is a big deal? No. Do people make it a big deal? Yes. My boss, in fact, will often strike up a conversation about famous trans people just to get a rise out of me.  She thinks it’s funny when I get angry about this. She doesn’t care one bit about whether the patients overhear.  Small children can understand people wanting to be referred to differently, but this forty-year-old woman can’t.

Personally, I don’t understand this, since someone else’s gender has literally no bearing on my life, but we evidently live in a time in which politicians think it’s a-okay to make laws about who can use what bathroom under the guise of “women’s safety.”  Now, I don’t mean to get all political on this blog (although I kind of do), but I am much more comfortable with the idea of peeing next to a trans woman than I am with the idea of peeing next to somebody who feels like it’s their place to dictate what someone else does with their own genitalia.

Anyway, on to my review.

The main criticism I’ve seen of this book is that it’s too easy. That Amanda never really struggles.  Her mother accepts her immediately. Her father, though a little more reluctant, makes an effort. She’s given easy access to hormones and surgery despite her (seemingly) lower-middle-class upbringing. She’s into stereotypically girly things like makeup and pretty dresses. She easily passes as a woman and not one of her new classmates suspects that she’s trans. Upon walking into a new school, she instantly has two football players hitting on her and four girls clamoring to be her new best friends. The criticism, it seems, is that Russo should have written a more honest book.

I have a lot to say on this matter.

First, imagine Amanda is not trans. Imagine she’s your average female YA protagonist starting at a new school. Would you be all up in arms that two boys thought she’s cute?  Would you think it’s weird that a bunch of girls accepted her into their inner circle?  No, you would think it’s just any other YA book.  So why does this have to be different?

Second, I don’t see why a book featuring a trans character must immediately be heartbreaking. There are enough sad stories on the news. This is not an exposé. It’s not a list of every awful event that has ever happened. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the wrong place.  This is a book that brings awareness to a group that is very rarely shown in literature, especially young adult literature.

I have been thinking and thinking and thinking since I finished this book and I have been unable to come up with any book I’ve ever read that’s featured a trans protagonist. (I should probably put a disclaimer here though that I have read a ton of books in my life, and it’s entirely possible that I have read such a book and just forgotten about it.)

I do recall that Chuck Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters features a trans character, but she’s not the protagonist, and also, I read that book 10+ years ago, so I’m not sure if it even counts anymore.  My point here is that it’s really uncommon for a book, especially a young adult book, to feature trans characters, so I think it is wonderful that this book even exists, let alone that Amanda is such an accessible character.

Because even though this book might not be “honest,” all of the characters felt so real. I feel like I could wander into the nearest high school and find these people.  And sure, maybe Grant was a little too good to be true.  (Many YA love interests are.)  Maybe it’s a little unrealistic that Amanda could immediately find a group of four girls willing to take her on shopping sprees and teach her about sports bras and defend her to the death, but I just keep coming back to my point that it’s absolutely irrelevant.  Because this happens in so many young adult novels. It’s not exclusive to this one, and to insinuate that this book can’t use the same tropes as a young adult novel featuring a cis protagonist is ridiculous.

Before I get on to my next point, I just want to give a warning to any readers that might be sensitive to it: Throughout her life, Amanda is subjected to an awful lot of bullying, including being attacked in a bathroom. Prior to her move to Lambertville, she attempts suicide using her mother’s prescription pain medication. I feel like it’s important to mention this not only for people who may want to avoid these triggers in the books they read but also because it explains the undercurrent of anxiety that runs through the book. Amanda’s life in Lambertville might be pretty good, but she’s always prepared for the fallout. She’s always ready for someone to be just around the corner, poised to attack. She knows that peace and quiet never lasts.

I had my expectations about what would happen. I thought maybe Grant would find out and make a scene. Or Parker, Grant’s friend that Amanda rejects at the beginning of the book, would find someone from her hometown to tell the entire school her secret. I try to maintain spoiler-free reviews at all times, so I can’t comment on what finally happens, but it was not what I expected. It was also not unbelievable. Another credit to the author for not taking the easy road, but also not randomly throwing a wrench in the plot.

I almost wanted this book to be longer.  I definitely wished for a more concrete ending. But then I thought about it, and I decided that I’m okay with the book being short and I'm okay with the ending. I think it’s better to hold out hope that everything turned out well for Amanda.  As a rule, I generally despise open endings, but I’m not convinced that a nice tidy ending with a pretty bow would have been any better in this book. So while I might have wanted to see the entire town simply accept Amanda as she is as she and Grant run off to New York together to start a new life together, I’m sure this would have brought even more criticism and even more cries of “impossible” or “unrealistic” or “dishonest.”

I just loved this book so much. I can hardly believe it was a debut, and I am so impressed with the way Meredith Russo was able to touch my heart. I will absolutely keep an eye out for her future work. I hope that she continues to write books like this one.

As a side note, I would ask you to read the author’s note at the end of the book. I often skip over these, but for some reason, I was compelled to read this one. It is so, so important and explains a lot of the criticisms people have had with the book.

Final rating: ★★★★★

#mmdreading: a book by an #ownvoices or #diversebooks author