#I'm also worried because I know they'll weigh me and I've been trying so hard not to fixate on my weight so that might lead to bad thoughts

[emometalhead]

Made an appointment with a doctor to discuss my anxiety and possibly get medication!!

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey! Uh, I've been struggling with ED since my childhood, and I think I have it somewhat under control at this point (I'm 22), but the thoughts tend to get a lot worse real fast when I notice any kind of change happening to my body and/or when I'm stressed and/or feel disconnected from my body. Either I've put on some weight lately or I'm just bloated due to being stressed to hell and back and getting very little sleep in the past week (both due to a death in the family), the reason doesn't really matter because all my brain sees is that my cheekbones aren't as prominent as usual and my body doesn't seem as petite.

I keep thinking that if I have a square figure (I don't know if it's true, but in my mind whenever I put on weight it all goes to my waist and nowhere else and makes me look like a square instead of a hour glass), I can no longer wear feminine clothes and that they will look awful on me and everyone will laugh at me.

I was also raised with the idea that my body is one of the few things I have going for me and that there is a "right" way for a body to be, and that "correct" way is 90-60-90 proportions, so when I feel like I'm getting more squarish I also start thinking "Nobody will ever love me if they see me naked like this. They will think 'Oh. That looked way more ok dressed up. I don't want a rectangle for a partner, a woman is supposed to have killer curves and a thigh gap and be skinny with a completely flat stomach. What IS that? I'm out.' and they'll leave me and they'll tell everyone and then everyone will laugh at me whenever I go outside."

I think that my problems also tend to get worse when someone shows interest in me? Last year I had to break up with a guy because I relapsed when we started dating and it got worse and worse the longer our relationship lasted. When I am alone and nobody expects to see my body and I don't have to look at my body, I think it's generally better. But I am starting to date again now and I thought it would be fine because they also struggle with ED, so I thought that I wouldn't worry as much because I'd know that they know what it's like and I wouldn't feel like I have to perform some sort of ultra-skinny ultra-hourglass standard, but I guess that is not true. Because along with everything above I very much do feel like I need to be ultra-skinny and ultra-hourglass for them and am terrified of them possibly wanting to see me naked, especially so because as I said I have noticed a minor change in my body and now I'm convinced it's a huge change and a bad one. I haven't told them about any of this tho because I know that it's a deranged thing to think.

I'm honestly not sure about what I need/want from you. I guess any kind of affirmation or advice would be nice. And I'm sorry that this got so long.

Hi, anon, that's quite a vent you have there! I can tell you've been struggling with this stuff for quite some time. While I am choosing to answer this ask, I would like to put a gentle reminder not to put specific numbers, like weights, body measurements, calorie counts etc in posts as this can sometimes be triggering to others.

So my advice to you may be hard to follow, because of course you're going to want to body-check yourself if your body size has been seen as your best accomplishment, but constant body-checking is a compulsive behavior common in restrictive EDs. I would recommend you refrain from weighing yourself, and only look in the mirror as much as you need to brush your teeth, wash your face, check hair, makeup, clothes etc. If you catch yourself scrutinizing your appearance for weight changes, try to catch yourself. Ask yourself what you need to do in order to redirect to a healthier line of thinking. You identify that you have been taught to see your greatest worth in your body. Perhaps you could take this time to affirm to yourself your worth in other areas, or engage in an activity away from mirrors that helps you connect with yourself. That way you can be reconnected with a sense of your true worth. Don't be discouraged if it's hard at first, these things take time.

You especially need to practice giving yourself grace at times like these, when you are highly stressed out. Bodies change in life and that is a natural phenomenon, not a moral failing. Bodies are especially prone to change during these times of high stress. But you are a living human being who's recently had a loss in the family. You deserve gentleness and time to grieve, not pressure to make your body stay palatable during hard times.

Maybe it could be a good idea to step back from the idea of dating for a bit of time while you reconnect with yourself and your sense of worth. It's hard, I know, but I hope that one day you are able to find someone who you trust enough that you can have honest conversations about this, ideally prior to any bedroom activities. Someone you can talk to about what you need to feel worthy and desired by them. Someone will put effort into doing what you need them to do. There are so many people with different bodies in this world, some single, some in relationships, some in queerplatonic partnerships, but so many different people are finding out ways they can be loved in their bodies, and I hope you can be one of them. It will take time and practice and setbacks, so stay patient with yourself.

I also hope that you one day are able to build such confidence and respect for yourself that you would loudly kick anyone out of your bedroom who dared to tell you they disliked something about your body.

It's true, you can't always trust the influences around you to give you a healthy perspective on your worth outside your body shape. It sounds like that's something you've experienced in your life. Not everybody is going to be a positive influence, so it's up to you to be your own primary positive influence and look within yourself for points of personal worth when you start hear people bringing up your body.

Oh, and I recommend you keep writing. Sometimes it just helps to get it all out, and even gets some stuff processed in your head!

[greypoth0ts]

it was a pretty long day

T/W: MENTIONS OF PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACK/VOMITTING

Characters: Ushijima(who else) hehe

Note: Yes I am projecting again - these days I just want to dance to LANY with the person I love. :')

It was a pretty long day - you're so worn out from work.

Work was tough, your line of work has always been tough. Not only do you nurture kids, you nurture kids with special needs. On top of teaching, you deal with emotions, tantrums & melt downs. Good days are good. Bad days.. they'll take a toll on you.

Today was tougher on a different level. Chaos in the class. Kids screaming their head off, dealing with meltdown and toileting. Refusing to cooperate, didn't want to do their work. By 3pm you were already flat out exhausted. You just really wanted to call it a day.

You know that days like these are normal. Sometimes you take it in your stride. Sometimes you just let it weigh you down. Today.. today you finished work with anxiety and it almost went onto a full blown panic attack.

"goodbye! see you tomorrow!" you said to your colleagues. Getting out of work on time. Today was just too much to put up with.

Stepping out of school gates, you felt faint. Sick to your stomach even. You tried your best not to throw up. You kept walking until you reached your train station.

"I am leaving workplace now, going to reach home in 30 mins babe." you texted Ushy. It was a Tuesday. So Ushy does not have practice on Tuesdays. He's home, waiting for you to have dinner with him.

"ok babe, waiting for you. I made some steak. Safe journey home. :)" - Ushy replied your text almost immediately.

"I'm not feeling too good, I think work was too much today. I feel like I'm going to throw up" - you replied to Ushy.

You haven't had a panic attack in awhile now. It's been years. You've kept it controlled all these years and also, Ushy played a big part in keeping it controlled. He recognises the signs and immediately helps you to snap out of it when he sees it. He tries to never let you slip into it.

You try to hold it together, your stomach in knots. You really want to throw up but you don't want to be judged. You try to find one thing to focus on. But you just can't keep your focus. You keep walking, walking and walking. It's like even though your body wants to just sprawl on public floor, your muscle memory just kept bringing you through to the train station.

Ushy kept calling. But you left your phone on silent. You were too focused on trying to suppress the attack anyway. There was no way you would be able to string your words even if you picked up the phone.

Ushy at home - worried sick. He's seen you spiral before, it's not a pretty sight. It's a sight that he hates because he is so helpless. He hates seeing you in pain, even if you get a paper cut, he makes a big hoo ha about the small wound. Thats what you love about him. He cares, and he cares so deeply. Hence he made it a point to himself to learn your first signs of panic and stop it just in time before you spiral.

He's considering to come find you and meet you half way. He would've hated if anything happened to you. But he kept his cool. He knew that the best bet is to stay home, to wait for you. He kept pacing up and down the house, he kept calling you. He is imagining the worst scenarios in his head and was on the verge of tears. But Ushijima never gives up, he just kept calling in hopes that you will pick up soon.

You survived the walk to the train station in a piece. Now the peak hour crowed made it worst. Whatever you want to let out is already at the tip. You stopped in your tracks.

Closed your eyes, took a deep breath..... steadied yourself.. and entered the train.

"keep it together, keep it together, am not going to puke in the train" - you thought to yourself repeatedly in the train.

You clench your fist so hard they leave a mark. You were bursting in cold sweat. You tried to keep your focus but you couldn't.

As soon as you turn into your house - you see Ushy at the door, walking towards your direction. Even before you could greet him, you threw up all over the floor. And as he inches closer - you reached out your hand to him, in a way to stop him from coming closer because the vomit will get all over him.

But Ushy didn't give a shit. The person he loved the most was suffering, he wanted to be there to hold you no matter the circumstances.

And you did exactly what you didn't want to - you threw up on Ushy.

"it's okay love, I'm here now. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. Take all the time you need to puke, once you're done, we'll get you cleaned up." - Ushijima reassured you, with his hands on your back, patting you, hoping you feel better.

You couldn't even bring yourself to say sorry. You didn't even get a chance to. You're bent over, puking your guts out. Ushy could only pat your back and look on helplessly.

Once you're done, he took your bag, swung it on his back and princess carried you into the house. You felt better after puking your guts out but you were still in a daze.

He removed his shirt(cos you puked on him), revealing his perfectly chiseled abs. Ah, what a sight.

He then placed you gently on the sofa, went to the kitchen to take some anti nausea meds along with warm water in a flask. Bringing along some warm towels at the same time and cleaned you up.

"I'm sorry Ushy - you must be hungry and tired. But I've burdened you." - you trembled as you said this. Tears rolling down your cheeks.

You felt bad. On the day that Ushy could rest, he had to take care of you.

Gently, Ushy wiped away your tears and held you close to his chest.

"that's what I vowed to do for you - when I married you. was it not clear in my wedding vows? maybe I should rewrite to make it clearer for you." - his voice low, almost with no emotions.

You cackled. But Ushy was serious about this though. He does not understand why you're upset when you are not the issue. However, he fully understood that you had no control over your panic attacks and when he asked for your hand in marriage, he has vowed fiercely to love you and take care of you, whatever comes.

You couldn't help but feel like you're the luckiest girl to be loved by the Ushijima Wakatoshi. The ace of Japan, where he has all the girls swooning over him but he only has eyes for you. And here you are, lying on his chest. Sharing a home with him, and what a privilege it is to be loved by him.

"I am sorry - I will do better next time. I wasn't there to stop your panic attack this time round, but I will do my best.. to never let it happen again." - this took you by surprise. Why is he blaming himself over something the both of you have no control over?

You gently placed your hands on his face, thumbs circling his cheeks. "this was not your fault at all, please don't apologise. You've done so much for me. And I haven't had an attack in awhile now. Do you know why? It's all thanks to you. You always manage to detect it before I spiral. I can function almost at 90% because of you, Ushijima. Please don't ever think that you're not doing enough." - you assured him.

He nodded and kissed your forehead.

"you know what will make it all better?" - you asked Ushy.

He raised an eyebrow - "what is it, y/n? tell me and I will get it done."

"Put on my favourite album from LANY, let's dim the lights and slow dance.. it'll make me feel 100% better in no time."

"consider it done" - Ushy replied firmly.

He wasted no time in getting it done. Ushy dimmed the lights, lighted up your favourite scent of candle & put the music on.

"may I?" as he extended his arms.

"I would love to." you held onto his arms, standing up.

He held you close, your head on his chest. Feeling safe, secure and loved.

Enjoying this special moment that you both share. A love so deep.. the ocean is jealous.

reblogs & likes welcome! requests open :)