#I'm allowed to joke about my own psychosis

[razzberrydazz]

Add psycho and psychotic and psychosis to the list of words people horribly misuse and mischaracterize on the internet. And schizo. Schizophrenia already is Sooooo mischaracterized.

And bipolar, it's not uwu quirky to say you're bipolar if you have a mood swing, it is its own condition with a host of its own specific problems.

Add onto that the uwu quirky infantilization of autism and ADHD where the serious life hindering symptoms are ignored or shamed to focus on the 'fun' and palatable parts.

Your toxic boyfriend isn't automatically a narcissist because he's an asshole, he's just abusive and toxic. Having a personality disorder does not inherently make someone a bad or abusive person. Most personality disorders develop due to trauma. Not every toxic conceited asshole you encounter is a narcissist. They're just conceited assholes.

OCD isn't just 'oh I need everything to be clean and symmetrical and I gotta turn this light on and off 5 times every time I enter this room', it has actually distressing intrusive thoughts that if you Don't do that specific action, something horrible may happen or you may do something horrible.

Impulsive thoughts are the ones where you wanna dye your hair or cut your bangs or make impulse purchases. Intrusive thoughts are INTRUSIVE. They are distressing. They can be extremely disturbing. Being plagued by thoughts that you are secretly a pedophile or that you will murder someone you love are intrusive thoughts, and they don't mean the person with those thoughts genuinely wants to do those things. People with intrusive thoughts do Not want to act on those thoughts and may even go out of their way to do preventative actions (such as avoiding kids and animals, washing their hands raw, hiding every sharp object in the house, making someone else give them their prescriptions, etc) to avoid possibly acting on their disturbing thoughts.

Gaslighting has been so overused now as the latest pop psych word fad that people won't take it seriously when used in seriousness. It's not conventional lying (which it's been misused a lot to just mean lying), it's a specific way to make someone question their reality and cast doubt into their mind. I knew a guy who thought gaslighting was like just lighthearted lying for a prank and used it as such and I had to tell him what it actually meant and he was horrified and apologized for using it in such a joking matter.

Delusions are Not Fun. Having hallucinations of any kind are Not Fun. Experiencing psychosis, panic attacks, meltdowns, sensory overstimulation, shutdowns, dissociation, etc are all very distressing. Dissociation is not Just 'zoning out' sometimes, it's Worse.

(I may joke about aspects of my own conditions because I feel I am able to do so from my experience, but I don't think it's in good taste for me to joke about conditions that I haven't experienced in a way that punches down.)

*mom voice* You can get these words back when you know what they mean

[auschizm]

i have a very stupid problem. my mom is a psychiatrist. first time i ever experienced psychosis is when i was 5. i dont know if im allowed to go into details. i just felt very scared& unsafe. but ever since i was a kid i would listen to my mom laugh about her patients having “funny” delusions. she would tell me examples of her patients thoughts. i never found it funny. this one time she told me about a patient with a delusion very similar to mine. obviously psychiatry is all about intensity of the symptoms and not the symptoms themselves. it didn’t interfere with my life at first. so i just ignored it. years later i had my first intense psychosis episode. it was very hard for me. i would throw myself at walls in hopes of smashing my head. on one hand i knew this exact same thing has happened to many of my moms patients. on the other it felt too real. it felt so real. like my body and brain knew it was real. it made me unable to piss shit myself & shower normally for 2 months. i couldnt cope. i told my mother. she said “youre joking right? dont joke about that, they will lock you up”. i was 12 at the time. then it got better, then it got worse. im 18 now. on one hand i should Know its not true. but i cant. it feels real. it has just gotten worse. on one hand i left the church, i love science. i love learning about psychology and psychiatry. on the other i just start having these month long episodes that cant be stopped. that make my life hell. this feeling is so weird. being so aware and so sure of the delusion at the same time ):

I'm really sorry you've been struggling with this for so long without proper support, and that your mom has been laughing at and invalidating both your own and other psychotic people's experiences despite supposedly being a professional. The combination of this must have been really tough to cope with, and you're not in the wrong for struggling. And I don't think your problem is stupid at all!

[muzzleoleum]

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ִ ࣪𖤐My Enclosure࣪𖤐ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ִ

Hello :) For the sake of this blog you can call me Bones or Carrion, or honestly anything that's just what i could come up with. This is my Non-Human blog and there will be more info under the cut :)

As I said this is my non-human blog!! However I will be posting more than just non-human related things. Please don't refer to me as human, and I use he/him pronouns :). I also have a partner!! My DMs are also open if you would like to chat!! (18+ only though for dms thank you :))

My non-human identities are as followed:

࣪𖤐 Lycanthrope

࣪𖤐 Werecreature

࣪𖤐 Wolf

࣪𖤐 Dogkin

࣪𖤐 Irish wolfhound Therian :)

tagging system (in the works)

#rambling inside the enclosure (my personal ramlbling tag)

#bloody fangs (nsfw tag MINORS BLOCK THIS NOW)

#clawing at paper (drawings or other art)

I do not wish to debate any kind of identities whether that is my own or someone else's, my time can be spent worrying on other things and i'd rather not waste my energy on discourse.

I am diagnosed with autism, OCD, c-PTSD, Prolonged psychosis and manic and depressive episodes, and other symptoms like dissociation and derealization that don't fit into a disorder. I am suspected to have schizoaffective by my therapist and psychiatrist, but we have not gone through the diagnostic process. I am also recovered from anorexia, do not interact if you are pro ED or sh, or if you are anti recovery. With all that said, I will talk about my experiences, and I will sometimes need extra clarification or tone tags, I might not always be articulate but I will try my best :)).

I am also physically disabled. I have been disabled my whole life, most of my family is disabled, so any ableism will either be called out or blocked.

Uh more about me, I was doner conceived (egg), and I am very very passionate about doner conceived rights for everyone, and I probably will talk a bit about that. I have a lot of weird genetic and like other shit that i don't really want to get into but that's something about me. I'm very queer, I'm trans, I am taken by my lovely partner <3 I love posting about them and stuff like that. I love to draw, even if i'm not super consistent with it. I love painting as well. I love punk music, and folk music a lot. I go to a lot of local shows in my area, and i love my community. I love cowboys and cowboy culture considering that a whole part of my family are modern day cowboys (ranchers and rodeo cowboys, plus some livestock farming). I'm very into wolf conservation and ecology, as well as studying wolf behavior and social patterns, and pack systems ect. I will probably be going back to the wolf sanctuary I visited last fall but i've been meaning to find one close to where i live where i can volunteer. I also have a lot of strong opinions about a lot of different things.

I will post about my opinion on things, my personal experiences, Mood boards, Cute wolf and other animal photos, and probably other random stuff too.

My DNI is not suuuper strict, Just absolutely no bigotry, No racism, Queerphobia, Islamophobia, Intersexism, anti-semitism, pro israel, ect. I am pro Palestine and I am pro Palestinian resistance and liberation always. Any bigotry or dog whistles will be blocked. I also don't want people coming on here with anything like "humans deserve to die" or "humans are the cause of everything bad so they deserve to cease to exist" Yall that so quickly turns bigoted and I will not stand for that, I will not allow stuff like that that can so quickly become eugenics or other beliefs like that to fester on my page.

Please don't flirt with me even as a joke, or make sexual jokes or comments to me personally, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

With that as well, Minors can like and repost things, I do not want any minors messaging me, it makes me uncomfortable, While this blog is not an nsfw blog, I will curse and I will talk about things that are more mature in nature things like my experiences with trauma and mental health, and other things that might not be the most appropriate for a minor to look at in detail, Please keep yourself safe, and don't follow if you are only looking for cute wolf content, because i might post some cute wolf photos but i'm also an individual who talks about my own personal experiences and other shit.

I will block if I feel necessary, it might not be anything personal to you.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy the blog :)

[comicbookfreak]

Deadpool & the R-Rating

So, I've been a fan of Deadpool since 2012. I read the entirety of the Duggan-Posehn run, all of Spider-Man/Deadpool, a fair chunk of Cable & Deadpool, the entire Killology, and several of the other short runs and miniseries in and around the last ten years.

I love Deadpool. He's one of my favourite characters, not just in comic books. He's subversive, yes, but he's also... broken.

I mean, without stating the obvious, Deadpool isn't what people assume he is just from looking at him. He isn't the super-cool soldier, the Special-Forces-turned-contract-killer, and Deadpool & Wolverine does an amazing job of highlighting this. All the movies do, but that one in particular.

And yeah, Deadpool comics can be bloody. They're slapstick, they're gory, they're ridiculous - a guy who can't die is basically a cartoon character, and you put him in a realistic world, you can blow him up or have him explode out of a monster's belly, you can shoot him in the head, run him over, cut off all his limbs, decapitate him, and he's still cracking jokes.

And I get that Ryan Reynolds wanted to bring that ridiculousness, that subversiveness, that brokenness of Deadpool to the screen, without limits, and he did.

But what makes me sad is that... it's not exactly Deadpool.

And I know, I know, find a comic book nerd who doesn't complain about a movie adaptation, but this isn't some "he's not comic accurate because they don't reference his relationship to Mistress Death" or something. This is because of a personal battle of mine, that makes it hard for me to watch Deadpool movies.

This is about drugs.

I'm triggered by mind-altering substances. I'm triggered by narcotics, and addiction, and anything that can get you high. Alcohol can scare me to death on a bad day. And I get it, that's my fault, I've got issues with psychosis and hallucinations and not being in control of my own perceptions or feelings. I've got a lot to unpack about being in a state where I can be manipulated, or where I'm not fully aware of my surroundings. I've... got problems.

I may, in a way, be broken.

And some people help themselves with substances, and I'm not about to go on some rant about how that's bad - whatever you need to do to get through the day, I say go for it. If you're being safe with yourself, and not putting anyone in danger, I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to put whatever you want in your body.

But in the first two Deadpool films, DP uses cocaine. In the third, they make a point of how he can't. When I was seeing it in the theatre, I retreated into myself every time it was mentioned, and the two boisterous gentlemen behind me would regularly laugh at the screen and make jokes about Wade "doing fat lines."

I just... I'm very grateful for Once Upon a Deadpool (even though it still has references to cocaine, visibly on screen). I can enjoy DP&W in my own way, and when I feel safe enough to take it on, knowing that they're going to reference it three times in the movie and where.

But I went home after that movie, and I... I cried. I had a breakdown, because this character I love, this character I have read for years, this character that I see myself in and relate to, is now attached to this image of this thing that I can't find it in myself to deal with.

I worry about reading new comics with him, because of how he might be written closer to his movie version. I worry about reading old comics with him, in case there was something that inspired it.

I love Deadpool, and seeing him on screen back in 2016 was amazing for me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to revisit that first film, because I know the exact scene where he uses, and it makes my heart pound.

And the thing is - I genuinely don't think it's necessary. It's a funny bit, but... I don't know. I don't know.

Comic Deadpool is blood-and-guts cartoon humour. He curses, but in Grawlix - there's gore, but it's so ridiculous, it's hardly realistic - he makes poor innuendos, and yeah, sometimes he goes a little far (especially in the older comics) but that Duggan-Posehn run, that is Deadpool to me. And I see it in small moments in the films, and it's in DP&W most of all, but those movies... They are their own thing, and I think the R-rating was necessary for the comedic subversive guts and glory, but I just...

I think it makes sense to take the drug use out of it. I'd prefer it never be mentioned in the films again, because I want to be able to enjoy my Deadpool - but I guess, at the end of the day, that's my problem.

I don't know. I guess I just... have my version of Deadpool. And sometimes, I have to try a little harder to be able to approach him without feeling vulnerable and scared, because of my own issues and how the films have discussed topics that I... can't deal with right now.

I just... I guess I just miss being invulnerable.

I miss being like Deadpool.

[hyenabeanz]

There was a point in time (many years ago in highschool) where I was terribly transphobic (spoiler alert: joke's on me; I'm trans). I of course had been fed the takes of the mainstream media at the time that focused(s) obsessively on surgery and that trans people hated their bodies (and were binary.) The mainstream and medical take was still trans people were mentally ill.

So I empathized that trans people were suffering and didn't deserve hatred and violence, but I also was WAY too hung up on we shouldn't allow people to "mutilate" themselves over it. I remember staunchly comparing it to Body integrity dysphoria, and how we don't go chopping limbs off folks with that.

I was thinking about this the other day again, and realized, why not? While there is admittedly part of my gut that is still uncomfortable with the idea of someone disabling themself on purpose, especially as someone who used to self harm, I cannot think of an actual reason it's a problem if someone has their leg removed because it's a thing they want and are in otherwise sound mind. Will it make their life harder because our world does not accommodate disabled people? Yes. It doesn't accommodate trans people either though. And if removing part of themselves brings them peace, why should it matter to me?

Barring conditions that truly affect decision making in a temporary fashion with high likelihood of regret, (someone in psychosis, very young children wanting to make permanent changes, suicidal folks), people know what they need their own bodies to do and what will serve them. And their bodies belong only to them.

Let people do what they want.

Look. I’m going to be honest with you. Adopting that hard anti-plastic surgery stance while trans people’s lives and right to transition is at stake is absolutely horrendous timing. Knock it off.

[albatris]

hello logan i feel obliged from love to finally ask a burning question about jacob greer: how much therapy does he receive??

this question can be generalized to all atdao, ofc, but you know my feelings for jacob

hello!!!! how's it going?? :D :D

thank you so much for the question, I am literally always waiting to pounce on any opportunity to ramble about jacob ahahaha

so I think I've joked before on this blog about how a potential ATDAO sequel is just "jacob greer goes to therapy".......... there's enough content there for at least a whole 'nother book imo

but anyway anyway yes hmmmm, a good question, ok, alright

short answer....... none for 90% of his life so far, then a lot of it

long answer,

well, he was never in any therapy as a kid because his 'rents didn't really ""believe in"" it......... n like, there was a lot of pressure on jacob growing up to keep up this image of the perfect golden child, n samuel and shauna saw him more as a prized object to be paraded around to make them look good rather than a human person..... so this meant no straying outside the norm, n if you had any negative feelings or resentment or anxiety u better repress that shit RIGHT away

so the rhetoric surrounding mental illness for jacob was very much..... any symptoms you experience will be fixed if you just try harder! and the fact that his parents saw him succeeding at everything that was important to *them* and were like??? you can't possibly be unhappy?? what do you mean?? you're doing fantastic in life??

and unfortunately he internalised all that so he kinda just........ Dealt With Stuff on his own for most of his life because he just always assumed his experiences were Perfectly Normal and he didn't have it "bad enough" to warrant therapy

n like. jacob has absolutely no issue with other people getting therapy. he just thinks, oh, but that's DIFFERENT, they actually NEED it, their problems are real not like mine

as a side note samuel and shauna greer's only motivation for allowing tris and becca into therapy was because they were Difficult and Not Like Jacob, it was not done with the intent of being supportive or out of concern for their wellbeing, it was basically just "we are at our wits end trying to make you normal so maybe this will"

n even then tris only landed in therapy initially cuz he got himself hospitalised and they were like "ma'am psychosis is not caused by the devil your son needs to see a psychiatrist"

anyway. jacob!

so....... he thankfully gets a lot of therapy after the climax of the story is over and done with!! to begin with, it's mostly to try and handle the aftermath of the unreality and all its associated trauma. poor sweet boy's been through a LOT. like, yeah, of course the unreality was fucked up for tris too but jacob spent weeks there terrified and alone and convinced he was dead and in hell the whole time...... lots of fun! yeehaw

n even SANS all the unreality stuff that ensued, dude almost got crushed to death in a car accident which is. hm. a lot

he basically gets out of hospital post-unreality, goes home, and is like. ok. here we are. time to get back to regular life. huh. why is my vision clouding over. why am I hyperventilating. why does my chest feel like it's going to explode. I think I'm having a heart attack

various people around him are like "yeah fam that's a panic attack also you went through something super fucked up and traumatic you should probably do some therapy about it" and he's like "nah"

he has to get over this mental hurdle of how like..... him going to therapy wouldn't be "cheating" (whatever that means) and how you don't have to have a capital M capital I Mental Illness to go to therapy (although he has several)

n after some gentle coaxing from tris and some "dude I love you but you're a dumbass" he agrees to it

and it's great help for coping with post-unreality life! it also opens up the floodgates to 25+ years' worth of trauma that he didn't realise was trauma

so ya, it starts off as mostly centred around his experiences in the unreality and around [redacted other story content I can't reveal due to spoilers], but also opens the door to him finally starting to work through...... a looooot of other stuff

complicated feelings towards his shitty parents, self-worth issues, identity issues, obsessive perfectionism, the ever-present panic that people will abandon him the instant he's not useful, his tendency to land in awful relationships because he's incapable of setting boundaries and can't recognise red flags, the years of stress from trying to protect his siblings from the same treatment his parents gave him, and the usual Growing Up In A Literal Reality-Unraveling Apocalypse

I feel like that's kind of an oof note to end on but, like, he's...... absolutely heading in the right direction? he has a lot to untangle and a lot of work to do and it’s probably not something that’ll ever have a definite End Point, but as with all (story) endings in ATDAO it's kind of just like....... yeah, he's gonna be alright, he's got this

y'know

he does make it to a place in life where he gets some consistent peace and happiness and is surrounded by good people who love him very much

so to answer your question, lots of therapy, finally, at long last, thank god

in conclusion,

*gives jacob greer a gentle kiss on the forehead*

[thoughtsofanemotionalwreck-blog]

"I'm here."

Can you see her?

The girl with the patchwork heart.

Can you see the way her eyes glaze over, and the light has long since been extinguished.

She smiles, and crinkles form, but something is missing.

Her shoulders tense and her eyes dart away from your own.

She jokes of her self hatred, but there is no embellishment of this joke. It is real and raw, but you never know.

You look beyond the sincerity of her voice and allow it to be a passing of conversation because it’s hard. It’s so damn hard to see another person’s pain, and it’s easier to be ignorant.

It’s easier to look the other way, and continue on not knowing.

How are you today?

Four simple words. Conplex emotions swirl in my stomach as I force my lips to turn upwards as I say, “I’m here.”

You nod, and continue with your day.

Today, I want to die. And no one knows.

No one knows how I stared at my pill case for 45 minutes this morning, calculating the impact of the medicines available to put me asleep so I don’t wake up.

The ibuprofen bottle was behind my boyfriend’s phone, and I set it back down.

Not today, I think. Next month. After his birthday. That’s no good, I think. Then it’s my sister’s birthday and then my boyfriend’s mom and then my little brother.

February.

No birthdays that month. Hold out for february. Six months is a enough time to get my things in order.

Today, I picked a month. Today, I woke up to screaming in my ears, and bugs crawling all over me. Today, I scratched but didn’t leave a scar.

Today, I wanted to rip my hair out but I didnt.

Today I tried to fix the car. And thought about running the car into the windmills that whipped around outside the car window.

Today, I cried listening to the rain fall, with a cigarette hanging from my lips.

Today, I watched a friend burn the legs off of a June bug and for a minute I felt like I was the bug and my legs burned as I felt the cold/hot sensation in my legs as the smell of burnt filled my nostils and I had to stand there still as a statue so no one knew. A tear fell down my face, but no one noticed.

I think I need help. But I cannot afford to get help. People need me.

My friend needs me to help her get back on her feet, keep her head up, and be a shoulder to lean on.

My boyfriend needs me to be the supportive, loving girlfriend

Dad needs me to be there to help keep him on track, and to help shoulder his burden as he does his damndest to do good in this world.

Grandad needs me to help guide him through the world of psychosis and ptsd. He needs me to help him remember who he is and what he likes.

Mom needs me to be her daughter, her living breathing child who makes her laugh and helps around the house while making sarcastic jokes about everything.

But I’m not that girl.

Not anymore.

She’s gone, and I miss her everyday.

But I’m not who I was. And I don’t like who I’m becoming.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to be this hollowed out shell filled with routine and fake smiles that don’t quite meet my eyes, who hurts the more that she loves.

I don’t want to be the broken toy out on the shelf.

I would rather die.

[aish-rai]

I noticed you used the word psychotic to describe some fans on twitter, and I wanted to ask, would you agree that psychotic is a word to describe people suffering severe mental illnesses, and therefore shouldn't be used so freely? or do you think it should be allowed to pass as a joke? I know a lot of people use it, so I'm not trying to single or call you out, but I think you're one of the people who would care to at least consider this or have a conversation about it even if you disagree

Don’t worry, you don’t sound condescending!

I’m not really sure who decides they have the right to dictate these things, but given that I deal with mental illness daily, I feel like I’m allowed to have my own opinion on the subject. And quite frankly, I find it ridiculous. Words change meaning, they broaden, they become less stigmatized and used more casually. Literally everyone knows what the colloquial usage of those terms mean. I don’t feel offended by words like “psychotic” or “crazy”, and aside from the use of psychosis/psychotic break, I don’t even think those words are used clinically anymore. Those words just straight up don’t have the connotations they used to have, and it’s silly not to acknowledge that.

This doesn’t even crack the list of top 20 things that I feel like worrying about right now, and I’m not going to say how someone else who deals with mental illness should feel about those terms, but like...in my personal opinion, we’re taking this shit way too seriously. No one is getting committed to an asylum because someone said, “Wow, that’s crazy!”

[jasperjv]

The psychological abuse he would employ thrived specifically on secrecy. I feel a sense of power back to have everything revealed.

He was also extremely saneist (ableism but about mental illness specifically) and I refuse to have him take the entire narrative when I'm still here and I am still a living human being. That's why I put my name on it. The line he crossed to start me kicking up a fuss was being saneist about my schizophrenia, and we're a tiny minority, and I'm exceptionally well-spoken, so I feel very strongly about owning my part of the narrative in as strong of terms as I can manage. Because I feel alone in this. To be honest a lot of this is feeling fucking alone as a schizophrenic person and about the psychosis he largely triggered which fucked up my life forever. The schizo jokes and saneism and shit don't happen in a vacuum. People like me see it and this is what happens. Ineffectual rage. I refuse to be dehumanized. My words feel like my shield from this. I want people to look me in the face and hear my words and tell me I'm the person he paints me as, as wider society paints us all as. I at least have the self-awareness to realize all this.

Other than that it's difficult and complicated: there are a few other people in my circle who have been hurt and are scared for me and looking out for me, and they feel I should know some of what's going on, but they seem to struggle with what is and isn't appropriate to expose me to.

They also have a very strong sense of right and wrong and a very strong sense of justice. They want me to know what's going on and speak for myself so that nobody "gets away with" anything and that they aren't allowing me to continue to be slandered and victimized, especially since some of them feel they failed me by allowing it to go on when it was. I just said earlier "guys this is stressful" and they were like "I know, you can take a break for a while." I know it's hard to figure out boundaries between keeping myself safe and sticking my neck out a bit for others through solidarity.

But I'll remind you I was just vibing in my own corner writing down thoughts as they came up, and today it's blowing up because they want me to shut up about what he did to me as the concept of an apology doesn't enter those people's heads. Which is all I wanted btw. And that makes it more frustrating for my friends because they can't understand, "how hard is it to just say you're sorry???" well if they knew then they'd probably be just as fucked up as he was and we wouldn't be friends.

I don't think there's anything wrong with posting my thoughts and tagging them appropriately. It's not like doing it reminds me of it. It's, of course, going to be the other way around. If he doesn't want me doing this, he should (and COULD) do something about it. (Apologize or something??). Everyone else who wants me to stop, well it's probably not their business. But I was already planning on taking a break so there's that.

I haven't been into kh in years but this one dude is not worth talking about once a day every day lol

You're right. He's not worth the gum on my shoe. But it's not about that. My brain has decided we're not done processing this yet. I have to give myself compassion and see it as not being healed yet for very good reasons.

And I had to completely start over within the last year as a bombshell of added context I was previously unaware of scrambled everything. It's even harder now that memories have faded. Events I had started to discard as meaningless suddenly aren't anymore. I have effects of his abuse psychologically the context of which I may struggle to recall. Every little thing that would make this situation as difficult as possible to psycholocigally process has been ligned up immaculately, including my innate thoughtful and slowly considerate personality.

I hope the way I put it isn't too obtuse. It's not funny. But thanks for not being anonymous.