#I'm agender and have had surgeries to affirm that

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for using my status as an agender person to get a surgery I want although I do not want it for gender-related issues ?

TW : talk of uterus, menstrual cycles and menstrual blood

I'll start by saying this is not the US so please don't make your judgement based on that. I'll describe how things are in my country.

So I (X24) want my uterus removed. The main reason is that I want to be sterilised to stop having so much anxiety about becoming pregnant, which would be a nightmare for me, and I never ever want this to happen again.

But I can't get any other form of sterilisation as then I would keep my uterus, so I would keep my period, and without hormonal treatment it's just not liveable. To give you an idea, my natural cycles are 21 days instead of 28, I get my period for 7 days instead of 5 and it can be hemorrhagic for up to 4 days of these 7. (I used to get post-op medication because of the hemorrhagia before I was under contraception.) And of course I get through excruciating pain every time, beside having iron deficiency among other things. I'm currently trying another hormonal contraception, it's still not going well. There is always something wrong. My first pill just stopped working, the next ones made me gain 20kg, I'm currently trying hormonal IUD and although I don't bleed as much, I bleed for so long and there is so much pain that no available painkillers can block. I'm so tired. I can't imagine going through that for another 15 to 25 years.

In my country, it is written in law that you are allowed to be sterilised using various methods, all of which keep the uterus. Nothing is said for hysterectomy as a sterilisation method. And although many refuse to sterilise you at all, if you find the right surgeon you can be no matter your age. The procedure is also fully reimbursed. Nothing is said in law about hysterectomy.

This means that the vast majority of surgeons won't remove your uterus. Except if you have a pathology related to it or if you're trans (coming back to that later).

So what I described above does look like a uterus with a pathology, right? It certainly looks like endometriosis at least. I went to a surgeon known for doing the other kinds of sterilisation and tried to convince him to just remove my uterus. He refused, not without an asserted pathology. To his credit, he looked for it. He had me take an MRI. Well, they found nothing.

Which means that, although I have a pretty dysfunctional uterus that I never want to use and just keeps causing me problems, he won't remove it. Because they can't find the cause. Even though I feel completely alienated from my body because of that damn organ that keeps trying to make me bear children and will have me bleed out and in pain when I won't allow it.

Then there is the other solution. I said above you could get surgery if you are trans. It's actually a bit more complicated that that. In order to get HRT and gender affirming surgery, you first need to get diagnosed with body dysphoria by a psychiatrist. And then you get a special status in our health system that allows you to get free access to all kinds of things in the medical field (like surgery and HRT) and beyond (like laser depilation).

As I said, I'm agender. They give this status to nonbinary people so my specific flavour of gender (or lack thereof) is not the issue. But I don't have body dysphoria, only social dysphoria. People misgendering me to my face will make me feel horrible but I don't see my body as gendered. My breasts and specifically my uterus are not something that I see as gendered, so they're not something that causes me distress in terms of gender-related issues. Which means as psychiatrist is never going to diagnose me with gender dysphoria as is, and I won't have access to hysterectomy through trans care.

Except if I fake it.

Now, I have no idea if it could even work. If I could even fool someone. But I've been considering trying because I really, really want to get rid of that damn uterus. And technically, I wouldn't be faking my gender identity. Just expanding on my dysphoria. Still, it feels wrong. I wouldn't transition in any other way except removing the uterus. This path doesn't feel like it's mine to take. I feel it would be disrespectful towards actual, dysphoric trans people.

So, what do you say Tumblr ? WIBTA if I tried it anyway ?

What are these acronyms?

[a-passing-storm]

1, 4,5, 9, 13

OOO! Another ask! Thank you! :D I shall assume this one is also for the trans ask game. I probably won't answer 5 again since I answered it here.

1 - What is your gender? What words do you use to define your gender?

If only I knew! Here are all the gender labels I've ever used: trans, transmasc, masc, nonbinary, demiguy/demiboy, genderfluid, genderflux, guyflux/boyflux, androgynous, bigender, multigender, agender, and I think that's it but I'm very likely forgetting some.

Nowadays, I try to stick with more general labels. My gender is fluid, but in that weird ADHD way where as soon as it switches, I have a bad habit of being like "OH WOW CLEARLY I WAS A GUY THE WHOLE TIME AND I WAS NEVER [OTHER GENDER]!" or "WOW CLEARLY I WAS AGENDER AND IN DENIAL THIS WHOLE TIME!" It's very silly. And I used to try to dress to what masculine looked like to other people as opposed to what actually made me comfortable. To avoid all of that, I try to just think of myself as trans or nonbinary and focus on what specific things are giving me gender euphoria than what overall looks I want (eg. not "I'm gonna dress masc today" but "I'm gonna wear a button down and dress-pants today").

4 - What future transition aspects do you hope to do?

I have no clue, honestly. Kind of going from the previous question, my gender changes on me enough that what's gender-affirming one day might be dysphoria-inducing the next. I honestly might never do hormones or get any surgeries, but top surgery is something that would make me more comfortable on my masc days and wouldn't have an effect on my more feminine days. It's not something that would make a huge difference either way, though, so I likely won't get top surgery.

I kind of wish I could temporarily change my voice, actually. I wouldn't want to fully commit to it, though. And I wish I could temporarily grow facial hair without also inducing the other hormone-based changes.

9 - What is your favourite item of gender affirming clothing?

I don't know if I have one. My most memorable bit of clothing, though, would probably be this really beat-up sweater that I've had for a little longer than I've been trans. It was my first ever bit of Guy Clothing, and I wore it nearly every day for a little over a year.

13 - What is one thing that gives you gender dysphoria?

To be honest, I don't get too dysphoric anymore. There are some small things that I don't like, but I wouldn't necessarily it's dysphoria. I wish high-waisted men's clothing was more common, because most men's clothing seems like it's supposed to fall low-to-mid waist, and I just don't like the look of that, so I tend to wear women's pants anyway.

Oh actually! Just remembered my biggest dysphoria trigger! My hair. When it's cut in a gender-affirming way, I feel like the most Gender person ever, and it's awesome, but when it starts to grow out and stick to my head (I have very flat hair), it kind of looks like I have it back in a low ponytail, and it just has... the worst vibes. I used to always wear my hair in a low ponytail when I identified as female, and seeing it look like that in the mirror always makes me feel awful. :(

[spiderace]

I had a faux hawk and a long dress and makeup once and someone expressed polite confusion if Ma'am or Sir lol. I am afab and I have a fat ass and boobs. I just also shave my head, and I have this Stan Laurel/Jesse Pinkman-like face and a slightly rough chin, because I have to shave or I will have an extremely scraggly lady beard. This was true BEFORE the hysterectomy.

(Taken this morning. If I'm not trying I have a variety of resting faces and none of them look right on camera. I blame the autism.)

If I wear a baggy enough jacket I can reliably confuse at least a percentage of people and, as an agender who will never be out, that's very satisfying for me. It would be Hell if I lived in a red state, though.

Anyway my point is. I have never taken hormones or had agender-affirming surgery and I regularly get "is that a man" purely due to biological accident and personal styling. I have met few trans women in person but the ones I have are mostly passing better than I am.

Cis women don't even pass bro who gives a shit anymore

[vaspider]

Do you or any of your followers have advice on/experience with getting American insurance to cover gender-affirming care when that gender is nonbinary? I'm agender, I have a uterus, and I've more or less decided I want it and the associated parts gone, and not just for menstrual dysphoria reasons, though I've also got that to deal with.

A lot of it depends on where you live. I had no problem in Oregon going in and saying "I am non-binary and want my uterus to go away." I decided against it for a number of reasons, but I was cleared for surgery pretty quickly.

GALAP is a good resource for getting the letters you need, and the providers there are non-binary competent.

And bluntly? If you run into someone gatekeeping on basis of binary bullshit, fuck it. Lie. Tell them you are a dude and have always hated your bits. I don't give a shit if you lie to your doctor about your gender because they're not trans-competent. COME FOR ME, TERFs.

There's so much bullshit in our medical setup that tries to constantly rebinarize people that I really can't feel bad about saying 'um yes I always hated all of this' even if that isn't true. I have a lot of resentment currently about the idea that we have to have 'always known' in order to count as trans enough to be able to make decisions about our own bodies, tbh.

[queerasaurus-rexx]

slightly weirdly specific question of which i have difficulty finding answers to on ye olde interwebs

so; afab nb/trans folk who've had top surgery, with rib issues before transition: did you find the issues with your ribs lessened after top surgery?

for a bit of context: i cracked a few ribs on the right side of my ribcage when i was ten and i find i have the most pain under my right breast. and i guess i'm wondering if i could

sneak myself into top surgery under the guise of pain management?

further context: i'm agender envy and have always had issues with my breasts, the chest dysphoria is kind of unbearable. but access to gender affirming care is . . . hard where i live. mostly because i'd have to pay for transportation way out of my area and getting to and from psychological gender therapy is going to get expensive fast.

i just want the breasts gone.

i do want to reiterate that i am experiencing pain. i'd consider breast removal even if i wasn't dysphoric.

i guess my curiosity is if i could kill two birds with one stone.

[rosyreef]

hey anon who submitted this - it won't let me post the actual submission, it keeps giving me an error. so i am reposting it as my own with my response here. the following image is from anon:

anon said:

Hey. I don’t know if you’ve ever read Whipping Girl by Julia Serano, but in her book she talks about something called the BSTc and,,. well I’ll send it here! And I don’t know if you’ve ever listened to Against Me!’s Trans Dysphoria Blues album… I know Laura said it best that we can’t… choose how our bodies are made. They just.. are. You can only choose how you look at your body. I like the brain hypothesis theory because well, it just makes sense. Yes your body may not always align with your preferred sex, but your brain does. Give T a chance, yes the results take a while, but man, don’t put yourself down. Your genetic dna has fuckall to do with who you are. That’s like saying boys or girls born intersex aren’t actually completely boys or girls because their bodies don’t fit into that binary and I KNOW that’s not what you’re trying to say but you DO have an audience. But I do know that from my experience of meeting other trans people, surgery does help, even if some trans people decide to not go the surgical route- but it does help and it will help. if you’re on T, give it like 2 years to work on your body, let it redistribute fat and muscle and I hope.. it brings you comfort soon. You’re a man. You were born, mentally, a man. Your body just needs some time to catch up is all..

hey this is genuinely very sweet and i really do appreciate the sentiment and it does make me feel good to know someone's looking out for me on this kind of level. and i'm sure that if i was someone else, this would have helped a lot. but i'm honestly not really... trans in that way. gender affirmations do not work on me because i don't have a gender to affirm. i do call myself a man but more in the sense that i'm a human, and also generally i do my best to present somewhat masculinely. but when it comes to my actual identity i more strongly identify with being agender and it's only my sex that i have dysphoria relating to. i also have a hard time relating to stories like the above snippet, because due to the fact that i don't have a gender, i didn't experience dysphoria until i actually started thinking about my body in a more sexual/physical way - which only happened after i was a much older age than most other people would.

i've also been on t - i stopped keeping up with it because i have like. rampant untreated adhd and couldn't keep up with a schedule to save my life. i'm looking to start it back up with more rigid injections performed outside my home, but we'll see. it did help on some level but i promise it will never make me feel wholly correct. surgery can not give me what i want out of my body. i have to learn to grieve.

i also never wanted to give the impression that anyone wasn't man or woman enough by virtue of what body they have. if i was a man (well. if i identified with the word on a gendered level) i would be a man no matter what parts i had. i firmly believe that. gender means nothing to me - it is purely social and virtually unrelated to sex in my mind. but that's why i have so much trouble with this.

either way, thank you - i appreciate it a lot i really do. ty for caring