#I'll unpin this sometime tomorrow but for now tis an update! A frickin big one too

[guqin-and-flute]

And A-Fu Makes 4----Chpt. 4 [3zun Raise Jingyi AU]

[Ao3 Link] [Series] [More 3zun Raise Jingyi AU stuff]

Just a few days later, Yellow-Father came down to visit both of them at the Cloud Recesses, which was super exciting. A-Fu ran straight from school to wait for him at the top of the long stairs, bouncing impatiently on his feet while the cicadas yelled and the wind ruffled the treetops high, high up in the air. He waited and waited and waited until he just couldn’t stand still anymore. So he started running in circles and stabbing bushes with his practice sword. The entry guard gave him a look, but since A-Fu wasn’t hardly making any noise, he didn’t do anything besides say, “Walk, Lan Fu.”

So A-Fu rolled his eyes and started walking and stabbing in slow motion. The entry guard rolled his eyes right back, shook his head, and ignored him with a snort.

When Yellow-Father finally appeared as a gold smear in the trees, A-Fu started hopping up and down and giggling like crazy, waving his sword around above his head--and he saw Yellow-Father wave back! He wished he could run down and jump on him. But the wards would just bounce him back at the arch halfway down because he wasn’t old enough for his own Jade Token. He had gotten a bunch of bruises from that already--he sort of kept forgetting. Other Clans didn’t lock their Not-Doors so good! How was he supposed to remember?

He kept hopping while Yellow-Father took years to climb all the stairs. Years and years and years. And when he nearly reached the top, A-Fu threw himself down the last few steps into his arms and Yellow-Father’s eyes got huge as he caught him with a loud, startled. “Ah!”

Spitting his own hair out of his mouth, A-Fu raised his head and grinned, caroling, “I got you, I got you! You were so surprised!”

For a second, Yellow-Father just held him tight and panted--then he said, in a scoldy tone, “Be careful! Fufu, we do not play on stairs, it’s dangerous. You could have knocked us both back down. Aiya, child….” Still holding him so tight, he tramped up the last few steps and onto the top before he hefted A-Fu up to sit on his hip, looking him over. “When did you get so heavy? This can’t be right. Someone’s been feeding you rocks! I’ll have to give them a talking to.”

A-Fu laughed at the thought of chomping on the sparkly white pebbles of the paths. Maybe they would taste like the sparkles on a candied fruit? “No, diedie, no one eats rocks in Cloud Recesses, only plants! Did you bring me candy?”

Yellow-Father glanced at the gate guard and gave him a 'hello' smile, then started walking in with A-Fu still on his hip. “Oh, my mistake, how silly of me. Yes, I did, and a gift! Where is your die?”

A-Fu wiggled in delight. “Gifts?”

“Mn, from your bo-mu.”

“Can I have them now?”

Yellow-Father smiled and ran the back of his fingers over A-Fu’s cheek before pinching it, gently. “Wait until we’re in the Hanshi with your die.”

That was so unfair. A-Fu put on his best cute eyes. “But pleaaase?”

“Ah, how can I say no to that face?” Yellow-Father chuckled and reached into his sleeve to fiddle, pulling out a few candied peanuts. When A-Fu opened his mouth, he popped them inside and tweaked his nose. “Now, no more until we’re settled, alright? The gifts will wait.”

A-Fu crunched on them and was about to ‘pleaaaase’ again when--

“A-Fu,” came Blue-Father’s exasperated voice from the entrance in the outer wall. Uh-oh. He twisted around in Yellow-Father’s hold to see him walking toward them with his eyebrows raised, his head tilted. “We need to work on telling an adult where we’re going. Yes? No one knew where you were.”

Oh yeah. He was supposed to wait for Blue-Father to come and pick him up from school today so they could go meet Yellow-Father. He had forgotted. When A-Fu just kept crunching the peanuts innocently instead of answering, Blue-Father sighed, shaking his head. “What am I going to do with you?” Then, he went all sunny at Yellow-Father. “A-Yao. It looks like you received our welcoming committee.”

“Er-ge.” Yellow-Father set A-Fu down and went to bow, like he always did.

And like he always did, Blue-Father put his hands under his arms, pulling him back up straight as they made warm goo goo eyes at each other. Blegh. So A-Fu yanked on Yellow-Father’s arm, digging his heels. “C’mon, c’mon! Hanshi! I want the gifts and candy!”

Both his fathers laughed and let him tow them through the houses, footsteps crunching on the path in time with each other. On the way, they did grown up ‘how was the trip’s and ‘are you well’s and nodded to the people who stopped and bowed. A-Fu had to hurry them up by getting behind them and impatiently pushing on their backs and as soon as Blue-Father turned back to close the door behind them, A-Fu ran in circles around his yellow father, hollering, “Presents now! Presents now, right? Right? Ri--?”

“A-Fu--” Blue-Father warned as Yellow-Father laughed.

“Ahh, it's alright. Shh, calm down, come sit, Fufu.” Loosening the drawstring under his chin, Yellow-Father settled down at the table near the windows, patting the table in invitation. When A-Fu eagerly threw himself down across from him, the top of it was all warm from the sunlight pouring in like speckled honey through the leaves.

Blue-Father settled down next to Yellow-Father, and when the hat came off, he leaned in and kissed his temple, then all down the side of his face while Yellow-Father grinned all dimple-y and A-Fu was done waiting. So he crawled over the smooth table to get in between them, complaining, “Kiss later, it’s presents time now!”

“Mm, maybe it actually is kissing time now, what do you think, A-Yao?” Blue-Father wondered, leaning over A-Fu to rub his nose against Yellow-Father’s cheek. “I don’t think it’s very good manners to demand things.”

“Oh, we shouldn’t tease him,” Yellow-Father answered fondly, not looking at all at A-Fu, but turning to kiss Blue-Father’s nose.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t,” A-Fu said, loudly up at their faces from below, pushing on their chins. “You guys are gross.”

For some reason, that made both of them laugh. But Yellow-Father did lean back and pull A-Fu up into his lap. “Alright, alright, I know, I’m sorry,” he said, giving the top of A-Fu’s head a few kisses--which was nice and all but it wasn’t a present.

A-Fu was about to take it upon himself to go cave-exploring in Yellow-Father’s sleeves to get his presents when his father finally reached in and pulled out a qiankun pouch. It was really pretty. The light green silk was embroidered all over with purple and pink koi, and it smelled light and flowery and a little bit like spices; just like Aunt Yanli herself. “What is it?” A-Fu asked eagerly, even as he pulled the strings to open it.

“I don’t know!” Yellow-Father said. “She just gave me this and said to tell you that she is sorry because she meant for it to be done by last New Years. You know your bo-mu got sick for a while after having A-Qiang, so she probably wasn’t well enough to work on whatever it is.”

Shoving his hand in, A-Fu felt the cool, tickle-tingle of the magic of the pouch from his fingertips to his wrist--then, his hand closed on something soft. When he pulled, out popped a floppy doll, about as long as A-Fu’s arm. Fascinated, he took both of its hands in his and stretched it out in front of him to see. Above him, Yellow-Father took in a quick breath.

It was a person, dressed in a soft layers of robes--gold on top and light blue and turquoise underneath--with a little brown belt and little black boots. Its face was smiling, with tiny, shiny black eyes and a red dot on its forehead. For hair, it had black silk strands underneath a hat that was just like the one that sat right in front of A-Fu on the table! “Diedie, it’s you!” A-Fu crowed, holding it up so that he could see, too.

Yellow-Father made a quiet sound, but A-Fu was too busy rubbing the doll’s robe on his face--(so soft!)--and petting its hair--(so long!)--and squeezing it--(so squishy!)--and trying to take off the hat--(he couldn’t, it was sewed onto its head) to pay much attention to what he meant by it. In the ends of the doll’s long squishy arms and legs, there was something heavier and sort of crunchy. Maybe uncooked rice? It even had a thumb!

Next to them, Blue-Father squeezed Yellow-Father’s wrist with one hand and picked up the pretty qiankun pouch from off the table with the other and peered inside. “What a beautiful present. There’s more in here, little one. And a letter.”

More? Excitedly, A-Fu stuck his arm in up to his elbow, the magic licking like tickly water--then his fingers ran right into more silk hair! This time, the doll that came out was dressed in silver and black and dark green robes. Gray-Father! He even had his super tall guan and his braids and hair circles! He even had his moustache over his smile! This was so cool! They were little fathers! Cackling with glee, A-Fu jumped up to his feet and hugged the dolls to his chest as he spun around. “Ahhh, xiao-die’s! That’s hi-lar-ious!”

“‘Dear A-Fu,” Blue-Father said behind him in his ‘reading-out-loud’ voice. “I miss you! I hope that you come visit Koi Tower soon so you can play with A-Ling and A-Qiang. I remember a few visits ago, you said that you were sometimes sad that 2 of your die’s lived so far away because you missed them--” Experimentally, A-Fu flapped the dolls around, making their hair go crazy. “‘And now, you can hug them every night’--A-Fu, you’ll tangle the hair, gentle--‘even when you’re in the Cloud Recesses and they’re not. None of your die’s knew about this! Do you think they were surprised, too? Love, your bo-mu.’” The paper shuffled as Blue-Father folded it back up, beaming. “Well, I certainly am. How incredibly generous of her, A-Fu, we’ll have to write a thank you letter for Yellow-die to bring back to Koi Tower….A-Yao?” he said, very quiet, and A-Fu turned around to see Yellow-Father staring at the dolls in A-Fu’s hands with a weird look on his face; maybe...confused? It wasn’t a smile, whatever it was.

Blue-Father leaned in close and murmured something in his ear that made Yellow-Father take in a deep breath, close his eyes, and nod. This was not normal Yellow-Father behavior, so A-Fu trotted back over and shoved his doll up into his face. “Look! It’s you! It’s got your hat!”

Yellow-Father’s eyes blinked open in surprise, but he smiled again, face brightening. “Mmn! He does!”

“Only he doesn’t really smell like you...Hmm….” Resolutely, A-Fu smushed him against Yellow-Father’s chest and started rubbing it around really hard--which startled a laugh out of him, which was exactly what A-Fu wanted in the first place.

“My silly boy,” was all Yellow-Father said. Then, he closed his hand around the Yellow-Father doll, which A-Fu totally let him have--it was him, after all, and he could always trust Yellow-Father to give him his toys back. He never took them away as punishment like his blue or gray fathers--or to tease, like Uncle Huaisang.

As Yellow-Father quietly studied it, A-Fu dove back to the bag and plunged his hand back in, searching around--but there was nothing. “Hey! Where’s the Blue-die one?”

“Asking for more gifts when we’ve already been so lucky is impolite, A-Fu. We should be grateful for what we have.” Blue-Father warned lightly, standing up and going over to kneel at his tea cabinet.

But! “But that’s not fair! Blue-die deserves a doll, too! Blue-die is just as special! How could bo-mu forgotted! We need to write her and tell her she forgotted!”

Blue-Father smiled down into whatever he was doing in the cabinet, eyes crinkling up. “You’re very kind, little love. I think it is probably because you spend the most time with me, here.”

“But I still miss you when I’m away!” A-Fu insisted, getting louder the more he thought about it. “Die, we have to add that to our letter!”

It took a lot of promising to mention it politely to Aunt Yanli by Yellow-Father and convincing that saying thank you was ‘far more important’ by Blue-Father, but A-Fu was eventually distracted. Blue-Father had a super cool idea to make little pouches of the tea that Yellow-Father drank and the fancy oil he wore to tuck into the doll’s robes, so it smelled right, so they all agreed to work on that.

As he dumped the good smelling Yellow-Father stuff onto the square of cloth, A-Fu eagerly asked, “Can I go show A-Yuan?”

From where he was putting away the rest of the tea, Blue-Father glanced sideways at Yellow-Father, who was hugging A-Fu from behind, slowly rocking them both. “I think tonight is a family night, little love. Let’s just play together, alright?”

Yellow-Father’s chest hummed behind him in agreement.

“But please? I’ll be super quickly, I’ll just show him through his window. I’ll run really fast.”

“It’s not about fast, A-Fu, it’s just not going to happen tonight. You’ll be able to show him tomorrow,” Blue-Father said in that very calm, very final way he did when he meant it--and no budging.

A-Fu sighed loudly, but went back to his folding, and, at one point, Yellow-Father reached around and helped him tie it all up together. After they tucked it into Little Yellow-Father’s robe all safe, A-Fu got excited about the idea of sending Gray-Father’s doll off to the Unclean Realm with a messenger right now for his good smells (and for a second, he imagined the doll riding a messenger bird like a legendary warrior and a little Baxia all his own). But Blue-Father told him that they had to wait until they saw him next visit. A-Fu was going to complain about that too, because everything today was just ‘No No No’--but Yellow-Father taking the candied peanuts back out from Blue-Father's sleeve made that answer seem much better.

Gleefully, A-Fu crunched on a handful and dumped the rest out on the table to sort them into piles while his father dolls sat watching in his lap. He had separate ones for small ones, lumpy ones, darker ones, 2 stuck together--and then he would eat the pile, one by one, and lick his finger to pick up the leftover bits of sugar from the table. After about 3 piles, though, his tummy started to hurt and Blue-Father swept the rest back into the bag, ruining all his piles and declaring; “That’s enough sugar for today,” even though A-Fu and Yellow-Father both argued back.

“It’s just a treat, Er-ge!”

“Yeah, I’m still hungry!”

“Ohhh, well, then I’ll call for some soup for you,” Blue-Father replied as he tucked the bag into his own sleeve.

“Nooo, my dessert tummy is hungry, not my soup tummy!”

“Mm, I’ve heard of dessert tummies. Dangerous things to expand,” Blue-Father teased and A-Fu stuck out his lip.

“Aren’t.”

“Er-ge, It’s a special occasion because I’m visiting! Look at his little face! How can you say no to that?”

“Somehow, I have; many a time. Painful though it is.”

His yellow father heaved a huge sigh and tilted A-Fu’s chin up, petting his cheeks and forehead. “So sad. So cruel. Er-ge only knows the asceticism of the Lan. He won’t let me dote on my only son.”

Mournfully, A-Fu shook his head. “No, he won’t. So sad. So cool.”

Blue-Father laughed. “It’s ‘cruel’ and you two are worse as a team.” Then, he leaned down and kissed Yellow-Father on the forehead, right above his red dot. “You’re very kind,” he murmured against his skin, and Yellow-Father closed his eyes and snuggled his face into him.

All afternoon, they stayed in and had family time, letting the people pass by outside and the dinner gong ring and the birds get ready for bed. Yellow-Father held him and held him and fed him each bite of dinner with his chopsticks while Blue-Father shook his head fondly and let him. They talked and laughed together, sharing bites of food and putting things on each other's plates, because that’s what you did to show people you loved them; Aunt Yanli had taught him that. After dinner, Blue-Father let him eat the rest of the peanuts as long as he drank so much water. Then they played ‘What If’ together, with Yellow-Father asking the questions, like; ‘If you were a tree, what sort would you be?’ Or; ‘If you could teleport anywhere in the world right this second, where would you go?’ (A-Fu said that he would take Gray-Father’s doll to the Unclean Realm for the nice smelling Gray-Father stuff. Both his Fathers had held hands and said they wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, which was such a boring grown up answer that A-Fu had to roll his eyes.)

After that, Yellow-Father let him wear his hat and Blue-Father let him (carefully) practice swords in the house, so he could show Yellow-Father what he had been learning. It was the best night ever. The crickets chirped outside and the owls hoo-hoo-hoohoo’ed deep in the forest and A-Fu didn’t mention that they were probably staying up later than the Lan bedtime because maybe the grown ups forgot, and that was just fine by him. He bounced around until he was caught again by Yellow-Father and pulled into his lap for more kisses and snuggles while he chatted with Blue-Father over his head.

It was so nice to have him home again. He thought that Yellow-Father should just quit Koi Tower and come live with them all the time, so he didn’t have to miss him ever.

Wiggling deeper into his arms, he made the dolls bow to each other, again and again, one of them grabbing the other one by the arms to pull them up. It would have worked better if it was Blue-Father and Yellow-Father, ‘cause they did it the most. For a second, he wondered if that was why Gray-Father and Yellow-Father didn’t get along. Was it because Yellow-Father forgot to bow?

No, he’d seen him do that. Maybe it was because Gray-Father forgot to lift him back up?

Yellow-Father’s hand came down and pressed his matching doll back into A-Fu’s chest, away from the Gray-Father doll, then came up to rub his cheek all gentle. When A-Fu craned his head back to look up at him, his father was still talking all cheerful to Blue-Father like he hadn’t done anything at all. So A-Fu shrugged and hugged both of his little father’s under his chin like 2 comfy pillows. As grownups talked about things like contractions and watchtowers and trait arguments quietly by the warm fire, he blinked slower and slower until none of the words made any sense at all.

And then, all of a sudden, he woke up. He was in his own bed in pajamas with the two father dolls tucked in next to him with everything all dark and quiet. And his legs hurt so bad. It was like someone was smushing them super hard. It hurt so much, he started to cry as he tried to rub them and even kick them around, but it didn’t help at all. They just kept hurting.

Rolling out of bed, he stumbled across the cold floor to open his door, hiccuping, “Dieee!”

From the warm glow behind the privacy screen that hid his father’s bed, he heard someone get up all quick. Yellow-Father came around in his sleep clothes with his hair down, no dot, and a worried face. “Fufu? What’s wrong, what’s the matter?”

He couldn’t even say, he just kept sobbing and raised his arms up. Yellow-Father scooped him up and hugged him close, rocking. “Did you have a nightmare, little one? What happened?” His loose hair was damp and tickled A-Fu’s nose with cool whispies, smelling like his pretty flower soap.

“Hurts.”

Yellow-Father froze and pulled back. “‘Hurts’? What does?”

“Leeegs!” He wailed, sending Yellow-Father hurrying back to his and Blue-Father’s bed to lay him down. When he checked him all over, he kept asking all these questions, like ‘where’ and ‘how’ and if he had hurt himself accidentally or fallen out of bed and A-Fu could only say, “They hurt!!” every time he asked.

Yellow-Father pressed his lips together all tight, his eyebrows scrunched together with worry. After he bent A-Fu’s legs all around and checked him all over, Yellow-Father sat back to put a hand to his own forehead and let out a huge breath. “I think…it’s just growing pains.”

“What’s that?” A-Fu demanded, lying flat on his back, still hiccuping with tears.

Yellow-Father rubbed his tummy all soothing. “They happen sometimes when you grow quickly. Poor Fufu, I know how terrible they are--here.” He pulled A-Fu up until he was sitting cushioned by the pillows against the head of the bed, legs stretched out. Then, he took one up onto his lap and started to rub it, gently, saying, “You certainly are taller from when I last saw you. Look at your pants! They’re far too short for you, now.”

A-Fu didn’t want to look at his pants, he wanted his legs to stop hurting. Sniffling, he looked around, realizing how quiet it was in the rest of the dim Hanshi outside the orange glow of the lantern next to the bed. Blue-Father wasn’t making tea or taking a bath or anywhere else. “Where’s diedie?”

Yellow-Father shook his head and smiled, rubbing and squeezing the squish of A-Fu’s calf. “Don’t worry, he’ll be back.”

“From where?”

“Something is happening in a village near Caiyi Town and they called for help, so diedie took some people to go take a look and help them. He’ll be back by morning, I’m sure. Does this help?”

“Hurts.”

“Oh, of course it does, little one, I’m so sorry. Here,” He went somewhere around the privacy screen, bringing back 2 sealed bottles and one of Blue-Father’s sleeping shirts that was super long on A-Fu whenever he tried to wear them. “Change into this, these will help.”

One of the bottles turned out to be the goopy lotion that Blue-Father brought out in the wintertime when their skin got dry and tight, but the other was some paste that smelled sharp, like a medicine. When he got changed into the big shirt and Yellow-Father rubbed it onto his legs, it tingled and got all cold and weird--so weird that A-Fu started to cry again and Yellow-Father kept trying to calm him down. “Oh, Fufu, it’s alright, it’s alright--listen, think of how tall you’re going to be! Your birth father was tall, I hear! Maybe you’ll be too! Why, I’ll bet you will be able to pick all the fruit from the top of the tree before anyone else! You’ll have so much to look forward to!”

That interrupted A-Fu’s cry and he sniffed, rubbing his eyes. “...Will I be taller than A-Yuan?”

Yellow-Father’s smile grew. “Perhaps!”

“...Will I be taller than Blue-die?”

“It’s hard to say, but maybe. What would you do if you were?”

This was always a good opening to their What If games, so A-Fu sniffed again, trying to focus past the stretchy-squeezing-burning cold ouchness his legs were still in to think of a good answer. “Maybe…maybe climb the tree by the library?”

“Mm, that’s a good one! Is it too tall for you right now?”

“Yeah. I can’t reach the branch without standing on A-Yuan’s back.”

“What else?”

“Get the cookies at Koi Tower.”

At this, Yellow-Father laughed, eyes twinkling in the lantern light. “The hidden ones?”

A-Fu felt his mouth smile back automatically in a mischievous grin. “Yeaaaaah?”

“Of course you would. I suppose I’ll have to hide them again. Hmm…would you reach up and take down a star from the sky?”

For a second, A-Fu imagined what that would feel like. Maybe the star would feel like the weird paste that Yellow-Father had smeared on his skin--all burny cold. Would it tingle his fingers like qiankun pouch magic? Craning his head around, he looked out the window, trying to see the stars--but they were hiding behind the tops of the trees in the dark. “Whoa.”

“What would that be like, do you think?”

A-Fu shook his head, eyes wide as he looked back. “I dunno! Can I do that? Can Gray-die?”

“Mm, you’ll have to ask him--but tell me when you’re tall enough to do it.”

A-Fu wiggled as he nestled down farther into the pillows, flapping the long white sleeves of Blue-Father’s shirt up over his hands like bunny paws and wrinkled his nose up at the medicine-goop smell. “You can’t, though, right? Why are you such a short die? Did you not have any growing pains?”

With a sigh, Yellow-Father shook his head as he squished his leg gently right above his knee, bending it back and forth. “I’m not short, I’m cursed to be surrounded by giants.” Then, he smiled again and reached up to pinch A-Fu’s nose gently. “With my luck, you’ll be one of them. But no, I had growing pains, just like you.”

A-Fu pondered how that could be true and still have him be shorter than what he planned for A-Fu to be. Did his birth father have more to do with how tall he would be than his other ones? He wiggled his feet back and forth. “Oh. But your birth die is…" He tried to think about Clan Leader Jin. He was tall, but just sort of like any other grown up. "Tall."

"Mm-hmn?"

"So was your birth a-niang short?”

His father paused his massaging and blinked. Then sat back a little, looking at the wall, thinking. “I’m…no. She was average. I believe.”

“Was she taller than you?”

“Mn.”

“So she was tall?”

Yellow-Father’s smile was a little pinched as he looked back down at A-Fu’s legs, pressing on his ankles with his thumbs. “I don’t know that I wouldn’t be taller than her as I am, now. I might have grown a bit since then. I couldn’t really say.”

“Oh.” He knew that his grandma from Yellow-Father was dead, but he only just now realized he didn’t really know when she started being dead--to be fair, he was still getting used to the idea that people who were dead now were actually around, once, and did things like brush their hair and pick their nose. “Did she die when you were little like me?”

“No, Fufu, I was older.”

“How many older?”

“14.”

So…that was…he tried to grab the numbers jumping around in his head and use them like they were learning to in class. He even looked down at his fingers to count, but he knew that he only had 10. And 14 was more than 10. And 10 was older than 5. So…so a lot. 14 was a lot older than 5. More than two 5’s, even. “Wow. That’s old.”

Briefly, Yellow-Father chuckled. “Mm, I’ll keep that in mind for when you’re 14 and ancient.”

“Was she weak?”

Yellow-Father’s hands on his ankles stopped, so A-Fu looked up from them to see his face look blank and shocked. His eyes looked really dark in the shadows made by the light next to the bed. “...What?”

Uh oh. When grownups thought you messed up, they made you say it again so they could catch you. So A-Fu tried to get around that. “Well…like my birth parents.” Yellow-Father was quiet, still looking at him, so A-Fu tried again. “Just ‘cause they died. Is all. ‘Cause they’re weak.”

“...A-Fu, that's a very cruel thing to say,” he said, quietly, eyebrows coming down in a little frown, finally.

A-Fu squirmed because he felt A Talk coming, and his achy legs wanting to kick and move him away. He didn’t really ever get into big, scoldy trouble with Yellow-Father so he wasn’t too worried but A Talks were never fun. “What's cool?”

"Cruel. It means...unkind. Hurtful."

"Why? How come?" Wasn’t it just true?

“Because my a-niang was very sick. And it was not her fault. Your parents were fighting to protect your clan. That is not weak.”

“But why? That’s stupid. That doesn’t make sense.”

Yellow-Father shook his head like he didn’t quite understand what was going on, brows still all squinchy as he tilted his head and said, “All things die, Fufu,” as if it were obvious.

Which it totally wasn’t, because that couldn’t be right. “But not, like...heroes and warriors and stuff...or mountains, though, right?”

“Even heroes. Even mountains.”

All the cold in the room got sucked up into A-Fu’s tummy, making it heavy and empty. He felt his eyes get huge and he stared up at Yellow-Father, not even paying any attention to his legs hurting at all when he said, “Even you? Even Gray-die and…and Blue-die?”

His father’s face got all soft and sad and he said, all quiet, “Yes.”

That wasn’t right. No. They all had said that they wouldn’t leave him alone without them, because without them…without them, all he could imagine was the world as big and empty and scary and full of horrible holes that weren’t supposed to be there. And if they could leave…. “...Me?”

“I’m--” Yellow-Father’s hands wrapped all the way around A-Fu’s ankles, suddenly, eyes wide like he had hit him, surprised and sick and upset. “Fufu--”

“But! But dying means go away forever!”

“No,” his father hurried to say, lifting one of his hands and petting A-Fu’s cheek with it--but it didn’t really help, he felt all the afraid buzzing around on his skin like bees. “No, not forever. Just from this life--we’re reborn into another one--”

“With other die’s?! And friends?!”

“I--yes, but--”

“That wasn't part of it! You said you are always with me! That’s a promise!” They had promised! He was gonna have get tall enough to be Clan Leader? They were gonna have to grow up to leave him alone and get another son in another life? He was never gonna see them again? It had to happen? His tummy wanted to barf at the thought and he felt his tears boiling up inside him again. “It’s against the rules to break promises!”

Looking very upset and white, now, Yellow-Father swallowed hard and whispered, “Fufu, I don’t think that we should--”

“I don’t wanna grow up, then! Make it stop it, now!” He kicked his foot, then reached down to shove Yellow-Father’s hand off of his ankle. “Don't help it! Don’t help me do growing pains!” Then he remembered Yellow-Father’s birth mother had been taller than him, but then she died and he kept growing. He grabbed at his father’s hand even as it left his leg, holding it tight as he begged, “You stop too, you can't get taller!”

Now, instead of cold or buzzing, hot crying was all over his face again, burning in his eyes and his throat and his nose. Gray-Father and Blue-Father are already so tall. Were they gonna die soon? If he had known about this before, he could have stopped them growing, somehow. Grownups always just said 'that's the way things are' and they never tried to stop them because they didn't know how important it was.

“Little one, please, listen, it’s alright, let’s talk about--”

“It’s not!” he sob-shouted back. “Don't grow anymore, okay? Tell Blue-die and Gray-die to stop too! You gotta!” He didn’t want to die! He didn’t want anyone to go away forever! Even just the thought of it made him cry harder, until he couldn’t hardly breathe.

He felt Yellow-Father grab him tight, and pull him up under his chin, curled up all around him as he whispered, “Alright, alright, I’m sorry, Fufu, I will, I’ll tell them, shh, shh. Alright, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” over and over again as he rocked and stroked A-Fu’s hair.

Wrapping around him with his arms and legs, A-Fu buried his face in Yellow-Father’s chest and dug his fingers into his water-chilly hair and cried and cried.

Everything was so big and awful and dark, it felt like he would cry for hours--but sobbing so hard and his legs hurting and being up so late made the sleepies come back. After just a little while, he petered down to sniffles and closed his eyes against Yellow-Father’s wet shirt.

He woke up in little bits and pieces, like the sun between clouds. When Yellow-Father lay back, still holding him. Then when the door opened and closed and he was laying on the bed instead. Then when there were bits of quiet talking, in the all-dark. Blue-Father’s tired voice; “A-Yao, it’s alright, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Yellow-Father, sitting next to him. “I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s…I…”

“It’s something all children learn--”

“No. It hurt him. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have let it go.”

“A-Yao--”

A deep breath. “Er-ge, you’re exhausted. Come to bed. No, don’t worry, it’s fine, come here, shhh, rest…”

The next thing he knew, A-Fu popped up awake in between his still sleeping fathers. The sunshine was all light and white, floating around the Hanshi like clouds. When he looked around, he realized how much smaller the room seemed, now that he could see everything, and how it felt less like a dark and scary cave where anything could happen. His legs were feeling 100% all better and his scaredness mostly gone. Usually, he would crawl over the nearest father and either wake them up or go find something to do that he wasn’t allowed to when they were awake--like climb something or sneak snacks.

But today, after he had gotten so much new information, he sat and thought for a while. He still squirmed and had to flip upside down a few times to keep his wiggles from getting the better of him, but mostly, he just thought and thought and thought. He thought about being a grown up and being a Clan Leader after Blue-Father. He thought about big, important grown up words, like Responsibility and Conviction and thought that Gray-Father would be proud he remembered their names. He thought about Yellow-Father’s birth mother and the rabbit Gray-Father had shot and how almost none of his fathers had any parents anymore. He thought about being in another life and A-Yuan being in another life and his father’s being in another life. He thought and thought and thought.

And it ended up that he probably didn’t take care of his wiggles very well, because while he was thinking, both of his fathers woke up. Blue-Father sat up to stretch and Yellow-Father rolled over with a grumpy grumble. A-Fu twisted around and informed them, “When you’re small again, I’m gonna take care of you.”

“Mmn? Pardon?” Blue-Father blinked as he relaxed from his stretch and smiled at him, reaching out to pat down A-Fu’s hair where it was probably all stuck up like it got in the morning.

“When you die and are babies, I’ll come and find you both and bring you home and I’ll be the grownup. I’ll get A-Yuan and A-Ling and we’ll all take care of you and Gray-die.” He thought a bit more, then added. “I guess we’ll find Lan Wangji-shushu and bobo and bomu, too. And Nie Huaisang-shushu. Why do you have to be so many grownups? That is just too much, you guys. Didn’t you think of that?”

Blue-Father gave a soft laugh through his nose and shook his head, reaching over to rub Yellow-Father’s back where it was facing him, now. “So inconsiderate, hm?”

“Yeah. There’s only 3 of us for you all to take care of.”

“How disproportionate of us. No harm done, then? Do you feel better this morning?” Blue-Father asked as he snuck his legs out from under the covers and went to stand up.

A-Fu considered this. “My legs don’t hurt. The goop worked.”

“Sometimes that’s all we can ask for,” Blue-Father smiled and headed to the tea cabinet (he always made tea for Yellow-Father to help him get out of bed in the mornings.) When Yellow-Father rolled back over to reach out his arms, A-Fu crawled up into them and snuggled in close, letting him wrap the covers around both of them again. “I assume that sleep shirt belongs to you, now?” Blue-Father added as a tease.

Inside Yellow-Father’s arms, A-Fu wrapped the too long sleeves around himself and curled up his knees until all of him was a ball inside the shirt and couldn’t be taken out no matter how hard they tried and announced, “Yes! Forever!”