#I'll probably delete this later but I need to write this down somewhere

[studyblr-perhaps]

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[arcane-vagabond]

✨

Okay, so kind of a personal post, but I wanted to get my thoughts down, and I will end up deleting this later lol

For my whole life, I have loved books and stories. I have literally been writing stories since before I even knew how to read and write. Somewhere at home is a picture frame that my great-aunt put together of a drawing I made when I was like two or three, and it was a sloppy finger painting, but it's clear that it's meant to be two people and some kind of creature. And she typed up a caption for it, and I guess it was the description I had given her of what the painting was supposed to be.

"A prince saves a princess from the scary dragon, and they live happily ever after."

Not my best work, admittedly, but it's the first documented time of me making a story, and I looked at that picture frame with fondness. Who knows where it is now, probably tucked away in some box in the attack after my parents moved.

But, then I got super into writing in like the third grade when I came up with my first original story, and then my love for writing snowballed from there. I can't tell you how many stories would flit in and out of my brain over the years, but somehow I think y'all have an idea just based on the ideas I pitch on here. But, just know that the ones I put on here are only a fraction of the ones I come up with.

I don't know why I'm so in love with writing and stories exactly. Maybe it's the thrill of making my own worlds where my problems aren't so present and overwhelming, or maybe it's because I love to find the magic in different possibilities. That sounds kind of smarmy, doesn't it? But, I think it's still true.

But, something that's been part of my personal journey as of late is the idea of doing things for myself and not others. My whole life, I've been such a huge people pleaser, and now at my big age, I've decided that I don't want to live my life like that anymore, but I'm faced with the problem of: how do I stop?

I'll start off by saying that I love my parents a lot. They've made a lot of sacrifices for me and they do a lot for me, and I'm forever grateful to them. But whether they meant for it or not, there was a lot of pressure to be a certain thing growing up. I could have hobbies like writing, acting, painting, drawing, singing, etc. But I had to be realistic, and that meant that I wasn't allowed to pursue those things as my main goal. I had to find a way to stuff myself into the box of "STEM, business, or something that would make money." And I get why. Financially, life was rough for a really, REALLY long time growing up. Both of my parents came from households where their parents worked more than one job to make ends meet, and this was back in the 60s and 70s.

So, for most of my life, I allowed myself to have those hobbies, using them as an escape for the growing pressure I was feeling at needing to be "perfect" for my family. And that's just it. I was never "perfect" enough. I could have won first place at a tournament for speech and debate, and I would be given critiques on how I could have done better. They always told me they were proud of me, but the word "but" always came after their words of praise.

"You did such a good job, but..."

"That was really good, but..."

"It would have been even better if you just..."

I didn't hear the words "I'm proud of you" by themselves until I was 12 years old and it was from a family friend. I remember waiting for the "but" to come, and when it never did, I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom.

So I escaped further into my little worlds, and sometimes I would share them with my friends who would always tell me that they loved my stories, but there was always the nagging feeling in the back of my head that they were lying. They had to say that because they were my friends, but also because the stories weren't...perfect.

I've always been a perfectionist, and it's something I'm learning to get over as time goes on. These past few months have been such a journey for me because I've been allowing myself to be bad at shit.

But then I started posting on here, and it made me feel so good to know that literal strangers thought my writing was good too. You guys didn't have to lie to me and tell me that it was, you genuinely thought my writing was great! And it makes me so happy! It refueled my love for writing, and I hope I can keep writing for years to come!

But I've also been telling my mom about all of this (leaving out the 18+ bits lol) and the other night she looked at me and asked me if I had considered actually getting a story published.

Now, this was a bit of a blow for me for a couple of reasons. Yes, I'm so happy that she's finally taking an interest and seeing how passionate I've always been about writing, but...

But why now? Are you asking me that because you genuinely think I'll get published, or are you asking me because you're hearing that people actually really appreciate my hobby and you think I can make money off it? Why are you suddenly so enthusiastic about something I've made clear that I always wanted to do?

Idk, I'm probably just overthinking the whole thing, and I know she's genuinely happy for me, but it still kind of heart. Yeah, the dream is to one day be a published author. It always has been, but who knows if I'll ever finish anything good enough to be published, ya know?

Anyway, if you stuck around this long you can breathe out a sigh of relief lol I'm done rambling and ranting for now. I'll get some of the updates out to you guys when I can

[hazy-hazel-fics]

My fanfic writing process!!! yippee!!!

Step 1: getting my idea. First off, I need the very basic idea of what I want to write. Sometimes it's just a vibe. What fandom am I writing for? What characters are involved? Is it a crackfic or angsty as hell? Is romance involved? Are they in a different setting than canon?

Step 2: planning. I don't like this one a whole lot, mostly because I never know if I'm doing it right. However, the way I do it is I basically come up with a few basic plot points and decide the order that they should happen in. I also try to keep it appropriate to the setting and especially the characters. Sometimes I kinda skip this part, which in hindsight, never turns out good. The part I like most about this is that it's usually where I design my characters! I like drawing, so getting to sketch out how my characters look so that I can describe them or draw them better is nice.

(there's 4 more steps and explanations below the cut! it's just there so that it's shorter if anyone's scrolling)

Step 3: writing. I try to split my base writing into chunks. First, I start everything on paper! I write down a chapter 1, and try to extend it to part of the second chapter as my first section. I then make my next section finishing the second chapter and starting the third, and so on. As my first draft, it usually has a lot of placeholders where I just say [thing that he grabs the hairbrush out of] or something along those lines, and I don't care too much about my writing seeming bland.

Step 4: editing. As I just mentioned, I tend to section things out, albeit loosely. This part is where I grab a red pen and start to fill in the placeholders and fix any grammatical errors. I also tend to replace words and sentences and make them better, at least in my eyes. I do this by section about twice, meaning that I finish writing my first section, and then later on I do the first corrections, and then the next day or after a nap I do the second corrections. Once I'm done, I start writing the next section, and then I edit that, and the cycle repeats!

Step 5: importing. The next step is to import it somewhere that I can check my word count, edit it, and format it right. I usually use Google Docs because it's easiest. First, to avoid that weird double spacing with AO3 when copy pasting, I make it so that it's single and has a space after each paragraph, which shows me how it'd look in AO3 (image below).

I import it from paper by just manually typing everything out besides the fact that things were corrected. The next day or just a few hours later, I go into suggesting mode (another image below) which basically means that any edits I make will not be permanent, and I can come back later and decide whether or not I want to use the edits. I do this and re-read until I think that my story is silly enough.

Final/6th step: PUBLISHING!!!! Yep, this is the last step, and probably the most nerve-wracking for me. I open up AO3, make a new work, and then I have to decide the tags (probably the hardest part for me; feels like there's too many to chose from or there isn't something as oddly specific as I need it to be), decide the ratings, write notes for the first chapter... and write a summary. I don't like writing summaries, but I try to keep it short and sweet, and I try not to spoil too much. Maybe 1-3 sentences, and then an author's note that's usually the same length or shorter. I re-read everything I've written, make minor changes, add or remove tags that don't seem necessary, usually mention that tags will be removed and added as necessary... Then, my cursor hovers over the button to publish it... and I haven't gotten past that yet! At some point, though, I'll actually publish a fic rather than letting it sit in google docs and in the drafts until deletion.

So sorry for the very long tutorial! I hope you have a nice day :)

[thevagueambition]

21 and 29 for the fic asks?:D I would also like to ask how much Visualization you have with your writing! Do you See what everyone looks like, where they're standing , and so on? Or is it all pretty abstract, script and Big Plot stuff, and then you fill in descriptive details later as needed?

Starting with your question about visualisation, I actually don't have super strong mental visualisation skills -- that's part of what makes me want to create art, I think. Once I've drawn a character, I know what they look like!

I do sometimes have very specific ideas about body language, facial expressions and where people are in space in relation to each other, but often in a way that can be rather inelegant to try to convey in text (this is the sort of thing I'd be likely to do a sketch of because I do have a strong visual idea of it)

When I write dialogue heavy scenes, I often write out the dialogue itself first (often including gestures) and write everything in between afterwards. I do this to stay in the "flow" of the back and forth of the dialogue.

Furthermore, since I find including sensory descriptions unintuitive in most situations, that's also something I often go back and add after I've written out the rest of the scene or when I'm editing and notice something of that nature might help emphasise or relay something in the scene.

(Thinking about it right now, I'm realising that the reason I find including sensory details so unintuitive is probably because of how unobservant I am in my own life. I notice things I find particularly compelling and things that trigger sensory issues, that's more or less it lol)

21) Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why?

Not immediately after writing it. In general, if I've fully written something out, it's likely to make it into the fic in some form -- often at a later time or in a different context if it doesn't work where I initially put it. I do delete stuff, of course, but usually I either do that before I've spent forever on a scene or I do it if I come back to something like two years later and don't remember where I was going with that bit or why I thought it was a good idea, lol.

This also relates to how I write long form stuff -- usually I "sketch out" the next few scenes I want before I actually start writing them out so it's rare for something to make it to the fully written state without being something I judge to be relevant to the story/somewhere I want to take things

29) Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic.

I don't have any deleted stuff from Elysium I'm afraid :P

I did have a fun idea for Les Mis/Harry Potter fusion at some point, where the barricade plot (in a probably less deadly version lol) happens as a student protest at Hogwarts :P I'm unlikely to ever write more of it, but I'll put some of what I did write under the cut

Neville burst into the room of requirements.

“The Minister of Magic tried to arrest Dumbledore! Now Dumbledore's fled Hogwarts!”

For a moment, the room of requirements, which usually bustled with activity, was completely quiet.

“Dumbledore… is gone,” Harry said, and turned to face the rest of Dumbledore’s Army. “With his arrest, they’ll appoint Umbridge Headmistress. The student body will not stand for it. We can rally them when they appoint Umbridge, take over the school and remove her once and for all.”

Harry looked from face to face, suddenly feeling unsure of his plan. A few people looked dubious, but the twins and Ginny were grinning at each other, Ron looked grimly determined and Hermione was already scribbling furious notes down on a piece of parchment.

“Well?” Harry asked.

“I think you’re right, Harry,” Hermione said. “But if we’re doing this, we need a plan. We need to know what parts of the school we’re planning to occupy, what tools we need to barricade them successfully and exactly what our demands are.”

“Our demand is no Umbridge,” Ginny said.

“Yes, but who are we directing that demand to? The school board? The ministry? And how do we prove we represent the students at large? Do we get everyone to boycott classes? Do we try to get teachers on board? To suspend classes in solidarity?”

“We’ll have a few days before they officially appoint Umbridge, right? Let’s focus on getting people on board for now. Fred, George, do you still have a stash of stink bombs?”

“Yeah, but we’re running low,” Fred said.

“We can make more, though,” George said.

“Good, you two get on that now,” Harry said. “Hermione, you, me and Ron can begin to plan which parts of the castle we should focus on.”

[chevvy-yates]

How about beloved Ryder!

Oh, I'm always ready to talk about my black sheep of the family <3 Since I saw no number, I'll just do all of them, so this is probably going to be super long. I'll set a cut somewhere.

01. Full name:

Ryder's full name is Gilbert von Scharfenberg. He hates his real name for a good reason: his family – wealthy pure German Corpo blood. Basically no one knows that he's a Scharfenberg either – except for Vijay, because he was the one who deleted all of Ryder's data soon after he left his old life behind. So, basically if you scan him it would only show 'Ryder' and nothing else (I still write it out here on tblr completely bc it sounds so damn good <3). As soon as the family moved to the NUSA, Ry started calling himself 'Ryder' using it as his nickname from now on. It comes from the German surname 'Reiter' (rider, horseman), which was his first love's surname (who sadly died, getting shot by a Cyberpsycho during a rave in a club in Berlin).

02. Best friend:

Ryder's bestie is Vijay Steyr. They know each other since 2071. Vijay is the guy who helped Ryder out of his old life (mentioned above). They didn't met in person back then but their paths crossed a while later again: they ran into each other at a Depeche Mode party, talked, became buddies, then also lovers shortly after. The relationship lasted about a year and they parted for reasons everyone understood and accepted. Ryder rarely saw V the following year, because he needed a bit time and was busy with his own life/job, but Vijay eventually began to contact him again in 2074 when he got into buisness with Jackie doing merc jobs. They needed someone on the front and Ryder was the best guy Vijay could think of since he has mantis blades and a good know how about Militech and Corpo things as well. After Jackie died on a secret job neither V nor Ry knew about, the bond between the two got stronger again and today (2077/78) they are best friends. If you listen to their talking you could also say they sound like an old married couple. Ryder would protect V with his own life and it's vice versa. Vijay was there for him in his worst times, helped him to settle into his new 'street kid' life and most of all: pep talked Ry all the time tearing that wall down he had built up for years. Vijay is defnitely the reason why Ryder feels content with himself and smiles so often now.

03. Sexuality:

Ryder is openly gay. He doesn't look a lot like one in the first place, but he is. He's always been gay because he never had any sexual interest in women since he can think. Only the opposite gender doesn't seem to notice and he had to refuse a lot of times giving him a hard time to express it in words. He also feels kinda awkward when a woman shows a bit more affection towards him than the usual (he's better with friends after a while), so forgive him for behaving like a douchebag. Sadly he couldn't live out his sexuality for many years because of his family. But since he got away he was finally free to do what he wanted. He's no go-getter though. It's the contrary – he's too shy to make the first move. And that's probably why he's been single a long while as well after the relationship with V (who's the go-getter ofc).

04. Favorite color:

Ryder loves black. He knows there are people who don't accept black as a color. For that phrase he's got another answer: purple and green. Besides black, it's these colors he loves (he just won't wear anything purple nor green). Purple like amethysts he collects and (dark) green like the mysterious German forests he misses a lot.

The rest is under the cut for those who are interested in reading more about him. Beware, it really has gotten long!

05. Relationship status:

Ryder is off the single market. After I created him back in Sep 2022, I already had Vijay flirting with @nervouswizardcycle's Arki (<3), so my original idea of V and Ry together couldn't last and was made into a backstory part instead since I still like that ship that formed in my head when Ryder was only an idea. However, I couldn't imagine him with any official npc and looking for some possible other oc over here didn't bring me much further, and also with no one making a real move either (I waited for it like Ryder would do), I decided just a few weeks back that my boy shouldn't be lonely for so long. It made me sad having to look at him knowing his profile still said 'single', so I sat down and created another oc for him: So, yes! His love interest is Thyjs De Wit.

06. Ideal mate:

Ryder's ideal mate is @nervouswizardcycle's Arki. Arki turns out to be his best gay buddy. There's just ideas existing right now but I'm loving it! The two literally don't like each other at first — well it's more Ryder who has a grudge against Arki, but he will find out soon enough that the two are much alike in many things I don't wanna name now bc it could be possible spoilers for some future fanfiction. However, Arki will be a good mate for Ryder: giving tips in training for battle, trying to control his anger, but also the guy to go shopping with (bc Arki is fashionista, baby!). And the two may have many evenings where they get drunk, laughing over stupid anti-jokes (where V just shakes his head and Thyjs also doesn't find it laughable) and watching a shit ton of anime if they don't do stupid stuff in the city. They are both Scorpios and this is a certain vibe you can't turn off easily once they come together.

07. Turn-ons:

Bottom lip biting. It seriously turns Ryder on when you go from casual busses to biting down onto his bottom lip. He sees that as an invitation to get more passionated. Hard lollipops. The meaty kind. He likes a man's best piece a lot. Especially when they have a beautiful shape and tint. Loud, hard rave beats. Eespecially when it has some naughty lyrics it kind of turns him on. If the right person is with him, this may be a chance for making out on the dancefloor, vanishing into a darkroom or just go somewhere else to get dirty.

08. Favorite food:

Pistachio ice cream. In generall he loves pistachios: salted or not, in combination with chocolate, ice cream – everything pistachio – give it to him. You'll make him be a happy pistachio.

09. Crushes:

Thjys De Wit. He's going to crush on him the first time he meets that Dutch pale soldier boy — Thyjs literally zapped him. There's a lot of pining from Ryder's side. Vijay, however will notice and tries to encourage him to make the first move since Thyjs is not a go-getter either (and has to cope with his own feelings for Ry as well at first). It's gonna be interesting. Don't wanna tell too much, though.

10. Favorite music:

Ryder is a true Raver. <3 He lives for hard and dark techno beats. There's nothing better than that ever enduring repeating bass under his feat. It keeps him going, helps him to vent off his never ending anger for a while, keeps the beast within at bay, while he moves to those amazing loud eletronic beats combined with unreal but also beautiful accompaning melodies. Ryder also listens to Industrial and New (German) Wave.

11. Biggest fear:

His biggest is facing his superior again. He fears nothing more than is father: Wilhelm von Scharfenberg — now CEO of Militech HQ in Night City. There is another one: He's afraid of losing control over the beast within him completely, hurting those close to him. He doesn't know where it came from, it was there one day, accompanying him ever since. It lusts for blood mostly so the chance it takes over in a heavy fight during a job is pretty high. Once he's in a killstreak for too long, he's unable to stop and literally goes berserk. Therfore he has asked his best friend Vijay to take control and stop him if the situation gets tricky. He's got a special mod installed that allows Vijay to hack into Ryder's Berserk Operating System making him able to reset it since the beast seems to feed heavily from this system. Ryder's Mantis Blades will receive an order to retract and he gets unconscious for a short amount of time to make sure he's gonna be stopped. If that case happens and the situation is tricky, someone must be right there to protect Ryder for that time since he will be unable to defend himself. Before every job V double checks the mod and renews the codes to make sure everything works. Ryder isn't exactly proud to always leave a mess of blood puddles, organs and dead bodies behind. It scares him as well since it has gotten worser over time. It's his greatest wish that the beast within vanishes one day the same way like it showed up.

12. Biggest fantasy:

To fly to the moon. Ryder loves space and the universe since he was a small boy. He dreamed to be a space pilot one day, flying people or cargo to the moon. He would love to walk on it as well, feel the lack of gravitiy when he jumps. The moon is very fascinating to him. He's amazed by the surface, all the pattern the craters made, the grey tones. And he very much would love to see how earth looks seen from up there. If you suspected something sexual instead: To have hot, dirty, greasy sex in a tank. Specifially in a retro WWII model.

13. Bad habits:

Ryder has a obsessive-compulsive disorder. He sees himself forced to align everything neatly and symmetrically. He will do it all the time: at home, during shopping, sitting at the table in the Afterlife, aligning billard balls in the Coyjote Cojo, staple Vijay's vinyls in his apartment (he even tidies up V's apartment at times bc Vijay is a bit chaotic). His own apartment is clean and simple, every bottle in the shelf faces with the ettiket, books are placed ordely and even pillows on his bed sit how they should and so on. Besides that Ry is still super fidgety. He can't sit still. It mainly has to do with background music everywhere, so he's bobbing e.g. his leg all the time. But he also constantly needs to play around with something in his hands. He can't sit still longer than five minutes and then repositions. The only times he's not fidgety is when he's sleepy or in fact sleeping. Once he falls asleep he likely won't turn around much and stay in the position he feell asleep in.

14. Biggest regret:

The missed oportunity to run away earlier. His decicion to leave his Corpo life happend when he was already 21. If he had left earlier, he would probably live in Italy now together with Tommy Reiter, his first love, who would probably still be alive as well. Tommy wanted to go away with him, but Ryder was too scared to do it back then, still being a teen.

15. Best kept secrets:

That he's Corpo – a von Scharfenberg. As already mentioned, only Vijay knows about that. Ryder did literally everything for not looking like a Corpo anymore: changed visually completely with adding cyberware, new eyes, getting tattoos including scarifications (to cover own scars), changed his hairstlye, grew a messy beard, trained like a mad-man to gain some muscles for not having to watch the thin useless Corpo boy in the mirror he once was. Starting the life of a so called street kid. His Corpo attitude sadly comes trough at times (and can be extremely helpful for some missions as well). In some cases he sees himself on the high horse thinking he's better than anyone else (but Vijay reminds him of that).

16. Last thought:

Maybe 'Bitte ein Bit'? Idk man, but I have the feeling that Ryder's last thought ever will definitely have something to do with beer.

17. Worst romantic experience:

When he decided to try out bottoming for once in his life. It was a good experience at first but it ended with something unexpected: receiving an exceptionally good fuck that caused him to feel like a supernova seeing stars all over brought some negative connotaion with it: he entirely lost control over his body making him have his mantis blades spring out ready for action. Nobody died though, but it was Vijay who topped him and V has a huge trauma concerning blades … So once both finally relized what actually happened, Vijay got off and fell into a shock he was unable to explain to him. And Ryder ofc was shocked by the thought that he can lose control that hard by just getting railed (the beast within was just evolving and a minor problem btw). The situation could have turned out much worse that night. And this situation is also the cause for their break-up in the end, with both really feeling bad about it: Vijay because he wasn't able to tell him why and Ryder for losing control that hard in such a situation. Since then Ryder never bottomed again, because he can't allow himself to let it happen again.

18. Biggest insecurity:

Ryder has had a lot of insecurities — still has. His biggest besides him not being able to live up to his father's Corpo ideals is probably that he (still) feels he is/was not good enough for anything or anybody. This situation started early in his childhood and reached the worst high as soon as he had to start working at Militech unable to do anything right (he hated this work and it wasn't what he wanted to do), nonetheless he tried hard to make his superior satisfied, but it was quite the contrary in the end. He was treated by his family like ballast they had to carry through, got bullied by co-workers and therefore fell into a huge hole of depression. It took him a long time (and quiet a lot of Vijay's patience) to accept that he's good enough in what he does. Vijay told Ryder more than once, that he is valued, that he is thankfull for Ry's support, and that people appreciate him and that he is a good person. He still does and it is impotant to reward Ryder constantly with nice and cheering words otherwise he's prone to worry about it again. Ryder still has a lot of trust issues towards new people to this day.

19. Weapon of choice:

answered here.

20. Role Model:

Vijay of course. Ryder looks up a lot to his best friend. He wishes he could be more like him. Capable of leading, always having an answer to everything, understand the realm of netrunning, his entire positive character and warm personality, looking forward and not back, the ability to stay friendly towards literally everyone (Vijay is good in hiding his disgust for someone if he want's to, but most of the time he lets people know when he doesn't like them).

[philosophergamer]

Ignore this--angsty emotional stuff i just have to put somewhere.

I haven't used this blog for posting much of anything personal before (maybe never?), but I've got to give vent to some emotions because otherwise I feel like I'll erupt. I've got a terrible crush on a coworker--she's smart, funny, interesting, beautiful, just... she's awesome.

And we're really good friends!

And I don't want to wreck that!

Or make things weird at the office!

Especially since the place I work is really small, so it feels like the sort of thing that could potentially throw a major wrench in things should things go bad for some reason. So I don't feel like I can say anything and just occasionally daydream and pine. And now she's getting surgery for a thing, and I'm a little -- not worried, but worried, you know? And I want to let her know that I can be there to help if she needs anything, but I don't want it to be in a weird way, and just...

asdjfipjasdiopfjioaspdifopasd

I swear I can make my blood pressure skyrocket on command just by thinking about this, which is the real reason I'm typing it down because maybe by getting it off my chest and putting it out in the ether will temporarily relieve it? I WANT to tell her and say something, but I'm scared of the consequences.

A coward basically. We're mature adults--we should be able to handle things professionally if it doesn't work out.

Worst result is either or both of us go find another job and finally get out of North Dakota back to somewhere less MAGA country.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Doesn't help I've only ever had one serious relationship, like, eight years ago. And neither of us are really the dating type.

I don't know.

Fuck.

I just... I like her. I really like her. And I want to know if she likes me too. And if we could like each other together. I'm just scared and don't want to make things weird.

I don't know.

I'll probably delete this later, but for now venting maybe helped? I'm just writing a little message in a bottle and chucking it into the ocean to get it away from me for a bit. It'll come back.

[han-jisung]

What's that Halloween ff 🥺🥺🥺 I wanna read it toooo

a-are u sure? i'm almost crying bc of it dghddjs

[behindthewanderlust]

Hello! You popped up on my feed and I see you don't seem to have any requests yet, so I decided to try and help fill the requests void a little bit! ♡

Could I get some headcanons for the band with an s/o who loves affection, but rarely initiates it because they don't wanna bother anyone so sometimes they just kinda sit somewhere quietly for a while until the band members figure out the deal is? Thanks in advance!

Thank you SO much for sending in my first request. I’m still learning how to write these four, so I apologize if it isn’t the best.

This came out later than I wanted. Tumblr deleted the post and I had to rewrite some things T-T

But it’s here! I apologize for the wait

Hope you enjoy!!

Possible trigger warning for mentions of anxiety

————————————————————————

Russel Hobbs

As much as he loves affection, Russ enjoys having his personal space

You knew this, and were afraid that your affection may be making him feel uncomfortable or annoyed

You started to withdraw from Russ in an attempt to make him more comfortable in your relationship. You initiating kisses, hugs, cuddle sessions, etc., was far and few in between

He's not the most clingy guy so he wouldn't notice your behavior at first.

He just assumed that you were just like him!

As time went on, though, he began to pick up on something that was going on

Always a firm believer in communication, Russ would sit you down and ask you why you've been initiating less and less, if he's done anything to make you uncomfortable, and all that jazz.

Once he found out your reasoning, he hugged you tight

He told you that his misses your affection

And that just because he isn't one who wants to be touched 24/7, it doesn't mean he doesn't want your affection at all

Reassures you that although he does enjoy time to himself, it doesn't mean you're annoying or bugging him in anyway!

The two of you came up with a plan to communicate better so a situation like this wouldn't pop up again

He'd make sure to tell you if he wasn't up for contact so you'd be less worried about bothering him

You also promised to come to him if you felt this way, instead of withdrawing

When you two finished talking, he invited you to grab a bite to eat :)

2D

Probably the most clingy and affectionate out of all members

Bc of this, he'd pick up on what was going on quickly

May not know the exact reason for your withdrawal, but immediately notices you doing it

Confusion pops up first, followed by anxiety

He thought your relationship was going pretty well..?

He began to wonder if you weren't feeling well

Or if you weren't in the mood for physical touch

Or if you had been tired recently

Or if he did something to make you upset

Or if you didn't like holding him anymore

Or if you fell out of love with him

Or if-

Okay okay I'll stop but the point is, 2D does nothing but overthink the situation

He'd probably (unknowingly) start to initiate less and less himself!

Which would probably leave you confused

Now you're both confused and overthinking messes

You'd probably be the one who starts the conversation

Asking him why he's been looking so anxious and deep in thought recently

And then he just spills

Asking if he did something to make you upset

Why you've withdrawn from him

If you still even love him

And you immediately feel bad because you withdrew initiation because you didn't want to be a bother

And now he's upset!

It felt like a complete and total backfire on your end

You explained to him that you didn't want to bother him, so you started to initiate contact less

And he just looks at you like "WHAT???"

You already know how affectionate 2D is, so he's quick to knock those thoughts out your head

He just latches onto you and doesn't want to let go

He loves holding you

He loves when you hold him

He makes sure to repeat this over and over to you

He doesn't want you feeling like you're a bother

He needs you and your affection

Noodle

I hc her to be extremely observant

I feel like you have to be if you grew up the way she did

So l'd imagine she'd be the quickest out of all the members to catch on to what you were doing

And why you were doing it

She just didn't know how to bring it up without sounding confrontational

It was a conversation topic she did have to sit on for a few days

She did feel more and more lonely each day she didn't talk to you about what was going on

Noodle missed the hugs and cuddles :(

Don't get me wrong, she still gave you her love and affection, it just didn't feel right without you doing the same

She decided to talk to you during one of your movie nights

You had sat on the opposite side of the couch instead of sitting next to her like you usually do

So Noodle walked over to sit next to you

She told you she's noticed you initiating less contact

And that she assumes why you're doing it

And you confirm her assumptions - you don't want to be bother

Her face softened when she found out she was right

She felt awful knowing you were afraid of bothering her

The whole conversation was basically Noodle asking you questions

How long have you felt this way?

Was there anything I did or said to make you feel like you were a bother?

Why didn't you come to me about this earlier?

Bare with her, she hates seeing you feel this way

You answered all her questions thoroughly, apologizing for withdrawing

She asked for you to communicate with her more and come to her when you feel like this, which you agreed to

You asked her for some cuddles while you watched your movie and Noodle agreed, suddenly remembering that it was your movie night Imao

Murdoc Niccals

Murdoc isn’t the most affectionate guy

It just something he wasn’t used to

So you’re the one who initiated most of sfw contact

You learned that he didn’t like being affectionate in front of the band

So contact was mostly kept in his room or in the Winnebago

He found out he liked cuddling. He liked when you played with his hair

But he wouldn’t initiate it, that was on you

He would sometimes drop hints that he wanted to be hugged and you would pick up on it

He was finally comfortable enough to hold your hand

And he’d sometimes ask you to sit next to him while he played his bass

Since you mostly initiated, Murdoc noticed when you started to withdraw from him

Cue the internal panic

He hasn’t had many good things in life

Your relationship is probably his first serious one

And he’s afraid of fucking it all up

Not one to beat around the bush, he’s quick to confront you

He asks you not to leave him

And you’re like, “what makes you think I’m leaving??”

You’re told that you’ve been withdrawing a lot, so he assumed you were done with him

You tell Murdoc that you aren’t leaving, you just initiated less because you didn’t want to bother him

He has this “ohhhh” moment or realization

He appreciates you not wanting to make him uncomfortable

But he still misses you

He told you that he’s fine with being touched

And that he wouldn’t mind you doing it again

In fact, he wishes things would go back the they way they were

You picked up on the fact he was trying to say he missed your affection without directly saying it

You apologized for withdrawing and he accepted it, you only had good intentions

He told you that he’d try to be more affectionate

And you said you’d do the same

It did take some time for things to go back to the way they used to be though

You still had the lingering feeling that you were bothering him, despite knowing that wasn’t the case

And it took him some time to be more affectionate but he did put the work in

The two of you appreciated the effort the other was putting in

The day he asked you to cuddle with him is what made all the work worth it

It was like you both reached a new step in your relationship

It definitely took some time, but you both got there with enough determination <3

————————————————————————

That’s it for my first request! I hope it was good! Writing this was definitely a challenge, but it was a welcome one <3

Again, thanks for sending the request in!

[biblical-angles]

Wen(OC!) x gn!Reader

An original character of mine that I wanted to write about so here's a good ol' fluff short

Warning: mentions of getting hit with a rock, mentions of They/Them(?)

There's something about them and the way they hold you in their arms. You feel safe but more so comfortable. It makes it easier to drift off to sleep, feeling their warmth on your back.

"My love, does it still hurt?" their voice is so soft yet the pitch is low that it'd be easy to mistake them as a him. Regardless, it's the same sound you loved hearing and listening to.

You smile to yourself as your hands toy with theirs, "No..not anymore, at least. I think you helped make the pain go away!"

Earlier that day, someone had managed to throw a rock at your head. The sudden sore pang being evident on the back of your head's left side. Despite the painful blow you took, you didn't want to cry in public so you quickly walked off to hide somewhere. Wen followed close behind, they were worried and trying their best to calm you down so they could figure out how to help with your head injury. The incident didn't help your anxiety especially with how random and hurtful it was. You didn't know where or who to direct your emotions at. All you could do was curl up into a ball and bury your face in your knees.

Noticing this, Wen squatted down to your level and rested their hand on your back. They stopped panicking and gave you a moment of silence.

"Take however long you need and when you're ready, we can head back home after we get that head of yours check out.."

End.

Wen is a "monster boy" where they're a hybrid of multiple things from bug to frog to bird.

Also I'll probably delete this later because this is so wack

[rosicae]

Writing tip or something - planning scenes

Writing difficult scenes is always a struggle. Here are some tips to make the process a little easier, and more importantly, actually get something done instead of staring at a blank page for two months (guilty).

First, let's start where you left off. Maybe they're exploring the dark woods trying to find their lost cat and they come across a beast. Great! Battle scene time.

The first thing you need to ask yourself is what you'll get out of this battle. The main points, or plot-twists, if there are any. For example: Maybe the cat turned into the beast and they only realise as it lies dying; maybe one of the main characters die; maybe they find a key in the beast's skull; maybe they spare the beast and it becomes their friend; maybe the beast just dies and that's it. I'm not judging, there's a plethora of reasons you'd do anything in stories. Most scenes should have some sort of lead, whether it be key or death or kiss or whatever, depending on what sort of story you're cooking, but it's up to you.

So, figure out your main point. For simplicity's sake, I'll go with: “They kill the beast, they find a key”. Finding the key will be a clear lead to their next move. But for now, let's focus on the current scene.

You're going to want to order the events. Writing scenes like this off the bat can be pretty hard, so let's just go with what we know first.

I'm not joking when I say a lot of my scenes start out sort of like this.

Now, to build upon this beauty, we have to dig into each segment. Let's start with part A!

PART A - “Rosi encounters a beast.”

What sort of beast is it? A slimy tentacle monster? A catfish-pirate? A deformed bear? Dracula?? Your decision will affect the entire scene, so really think about what you choose. Monsters are super fun, so be creative if your story allows it! I'll pick a duck-faced bear spider hybrid. What does that do? It might help to draw your monster if it's a struggle to think it through. Here's mine!

As you think about their appearance, see how you can use it to their advantage or flaw. You might even already have ideas for certain moves during their fight, or what could be the fatal blow. We'll talk more on that later though.

Next on Part A, how did she encounter it? Was she up in the trees trying to check the sun's direction when suddenly it barreled into her and threw her down the tree? Did she trip over a log only to realise it wasn't a log but an angry treant? Is the forest cursed and monsters just keep chasing after her for no reason??? Maybe she's holding a tracker and the evil villain is sending the monsters after her.... it's good to think about, in the long run. For now though, let's just stick with: "she bumped into the beast"

But try to make it fancy. What was her reaction to bumping into it? Why would she bump into it? Maybe she wasn't looking while she was running and kept bumping into trees, but then one tree was actually the monster. The monster is clearly very fluffy (would probably make a good blanket), so let's make that a clear point.

So now we've got:

“Rosi was running along the forest without properly watching where she was going, when she bumped into a tree - but it was fluffy and warm and beating, not a tree. It was a bear duck spider beast. OOOO! SLAP SLAP!”

Slap slap being “the beast slapped her in her confused daze”, because who wouldn't be surprised if a tree was actually a duck-bear hybrid? This happens to be a perfect initiation to begin battling! On to part B!

PART B - “She fights the beast and kills it.”

This is absolutely the hardest part. It'll take careful consideration and pacing and- oh whatever let's just slap in every action thing we can think of. Even if you think it isn't good, even if it's just little phrases or actions or fancy words or teeny tiny segments you aren't sure about, it's good. Just do it.

-beast slaps her in her confusion/daze and she hits her back against a tree, much pain

-beast snaps its flappy duck beak and honks a bunch, muddling her brain

-rosi throws rocks at it

-rosi somehow breaks off its spider legs, unbalancing it

-beast uses its spider legs to crawl everywhere and be very agile and hard to fend off

-beast stabs her with its stabby legs

-maybe an injury from being slapped around

-rosi tries to run but it's always there

-rosi smacks its beak, very annoyed

-beast forces her to the dirt and pummels her with its stabby paws

-rosi evades its stabbies because the green drippy stuff looks like venom

-venom touches nature stuff and makes it wither

-beast lets out a bellow that shakes the earth and topples trees

-rosi avoids the trees to not die

-rosi scrambles to get up

-the most important thing is to somehow open its skull: plunge a verrryyy strong stick through its eye that tears out the key; or somehow trick it to stab itself with its venom spider legs and it withers and turns to bone/ashes and yay key (I like the second one so I'll go with that, but it's always good to list out your options!)

So I basically just took parts of the forest and parts of the beast's body and natural instincts of someone who is facing death and, adding some creativity, threw together a bunch of possibilites. It might take some practice, but once you're in the flow and have some experience listing this stuff, you'll get the hang of it in no time. Thoughts tend to be short and snappy in quick-paced scenes, so be careful not to go into a whole monologue about their past experiences, but absolutely show some reasoning to the complex things they do if necessary. And leave the monologing for when they're not being killed.

Now let's order them into something that sort of makes sense. It varies depending on what you want, so see if you can make your own unique battle scene out of this list!

-beast slaps her in her confusion/daze and she hits her back against a tree, much pain

-rosi scrambles to get up

-maybe an injury from being slapped around (tree + back + sudden slap = pain, this might be a good time to mention if they already have a flaw like having weak bones or an old injury, but if it isn't your intention to incapacitate them and you want to be realistic, have a reason for them not to insta-die without being op. Maybe she was just slapped into bushes and got little scrapes or a twisted ankle. Maybe she had a plushy backpack that took most of the impact. Remember where your character gets injured too, since pain usually hurts for a while and it's good to add that in wherever needed now and later. It can even drive the story along at times, like a life-threatening blow.)

-beast lets out a bellow that shakes the earth and topples trees

-rosi avoids the trees to not die

-rosi tries to run but it's always there

-beast uses its spider legs to crawl everywhere and be very agile and hard to fend off

-venom touches nature stuff and makes it wither (she notices here and thinks oh no, that is bad, can't let that touch me)

-rosi throws rocks at it (misses because it's agile)

-beast forces her to the dirt and pummels her with its stabby paws

-beast snaps its flappy duck beak and honks a bunch, muddling her brain

-rosi smacks its beak, very annoyed

-beast stabs her with its stabby legs (or tries, let's not kill her just yet if we're deciding on venom QwQ Maybe she uses a plank of wood to save herself last second)

-rosi evades its stabbies because the green drippy stuff looks like venom

X-rosi somehow breaks off its spider legs, unbalancing it (delete because the lower idea is better, but maybe earlier one of the rocks she threw can unbalance it a bit and it jumps on her to attack closer because it feels threatened)

-rosi somehow tricks it to stab itself with its venom spider legs and it withers and turns to bone/ashes and yay key (she tricks it by deflecting it with something strong, like a boulder behind her, she got out of the way just as it does a slash at her, and it bounces perfectly into itself

And just like that, ordering and expanding on every part, you've got yourself an entire fight! Obviously it isn't as easy as counting to ten and opening a pot to a finished piece, but if you just take ten minutes or, better yet, an hour, you'll get somewhere. All you need is the base.

PART C - “She finds a key in its skull.”

Keys are shiny, and if it's daytime, maybe some light can twinkle off it as it falls, or she could just notice it because who wouldn't notice a key trapped in bones? Either way, she picks it up, as you do (unless you want an eagle to swoop in and take it, in which case rosi will have to chase after it and climb a tree and try to take it back from its nest and blahdy blah but rosi doesn't feel like moving anymore after the fight, so let's go with the easier option for now). She might have to wrench it out of bones, but it's fine, she's already dirty from the battle.

So what's the key look like, hmm? Is it rusty and old, or fleshy but firm and warm as suited for being trapped in brains for so long? Or oozing in the same venom, and she has to wipe it off with special fabric only trolls deeper in the forest are capable of making, or throw it in a lake to purify it? Maybe it's short, or missing half that you have to find somewhere along the journey. What does it unlock? Rosi won't know now, obviously, but you'd better have an idea or there'd be no point to it in the first place. Maybe this entire journey is in her mind and she's finding parts of a key to unlock her memory which will be a door to her childhood house. Maybe it's a master key to the villain's castle. Maybe it was accidentally baked in a cookie the beast ordered from a special fish-headed-cat-run bakery, and the little workers will be scrambling around to find the key and be so grateful that rosi brings it back that they hail her as king of fish-headed cats. You never know :D...except you kinda have to, so please have some sort of idea even if it's small.

That's practically all you can do in this part, so next we're on-

PART D - “She questions the key, then goes off to seek reason for it.”

Assuming she collects the key, what are her thoughts? It's all down to personality. Let's say rosi loves keys, and she has a whole collection at home, and she loves shiny things. She'll probably squee at the sight of it and act very excited - "she snatched up the key and chirruped her glee (oh hey, that rhymes!), and after a quick inspection with gleaming eyes, she tucked it safely in her pocket alongside trinkets from the seaside."

Because, you know, obviously she was at the seaside before all this. Or whatever else she was doing. It's your call. It's their personality. It's an optional connection, but a valid one nevertheless. Careful though - if she carries too much, she might get weighed down and drown.

In her case, she doesn't really think too hard on the key. Maybe she's already fought plenty of monsters and gotten a nice treasure trove of stuff. Maybe she's an air-head. Cough. Either way, the obstacle is gone so now she can go off and do what she was doing before - albeit a little more cautious, provided she learns from experience. If there's a clear indicator of what the key is for, or if the character was actively seeking it out, that'll obviously give a different outcome - maybe they'll turn back the way they came (car keys), or head for the town of blue oak (blue key) if that is already in their knowledge database, or ask the next person they see and get guided or tricked.

Finally, let's put this baby together! Let's start simple for now and just slap together this monstrosity with whatever little stuff we think of in the moment and some proper tense. We can build it up later (not here lol I've spent too much on this but you can if you want).

~~Rosi's Magical Adventure~~

Rosi ran along the forest without properly watching where she was going, when she bumped into a tree – but it was fluffy and warm and beating, not a tree. It was a bear duck spider beast.

Fish. That definitely shouldn't exit.

The beast slapped her in her daze and her back slammed against a tree. Despite being in pain, she scrambled to get up. She staggered, feeling the pierce in her ribs, the ache in her feet, the scream in her head that told her to run. It was drowned out under the beast's bellow. The earth shook and trees toppled one after another. Rosi spun on her heel and ran, avoiding the trees that twisted her path.

Even when she thought she outran it, it was always a step behind, a step above, a step ahead. Its spindly legs granted it an agility she couldn't imagine matching. Not only that – wherever the ends of those legs touched, an iridescent liquid spurted out, withering blooming manes and wilting once-proud trunks in an instant.

She shivered. She couldn't let it touch her. Realising that her (flee, running, escaping – whenever you can't think of the right words in the moment, just think of whatever is the closest and use that until you find the right word, or you might waste an hour racking your brains when you could just keep writing) was futile, she pounced into a rolling stop by a mound of rocks. It disoriented the beast for but a moment as she scooped a handful of rocks and hurled them at it. Most missed, or melted into its ragged coat, but a few landed directly against its uppermost legs. It gave an unnerved honk and flung itself at her, forcing her to the dirt, pummeling her with monstrous paws and claws that snapped her skin as she raised her hands to defend her face.

It honked. She grimaced. Her vision blurred and brain muddled with every honk. On impulse, one hand shot out to smack its flapping beak. Its pupils contorted, enraged by her sacrilege, and its spindle-legs shot towards her.

Just in time, she rolled free and pulled herself up, evading the blows that scattered poison over melting green. One hit went into a boulder. The boulder didn't budge. It was ineffective. It sparked an idea in Rosi, but she wasn't sure, so she waited until it happened again, and again it hit a boulder and bounced without damaging the boulder. She danced her way around the clearing, then stopped directly in front of boulder, facing the beast with her lips twisted into a wry smile.

The stabby leg slashed her way, but she ducked out of the way at the last second. Unable to redirect its blow, the leg bounced off the boulder and went directly into the beast's skull. The venom was quick to engulf the beast. Its skin vanished like the trees. It was only (bones, skeletal structure remained) and it fell before her. (If you still aren't sure how to write a part, break it down even further, even if it looks stupid. Keep breaking down everything as much as you need, until everything is plain to see and there are no misunderstandings. Then add on, and keep adding on, until you eventually understand.)

Streams of sunlight (because a lot of the trees died, so now there's some light in the forest) glinted off a surface lodged in the bones. Realising the rusty old metal to be a key, she snatched it up and chirruped her glee, and after a quick inspection with gleaming eyes, she tucked it safely in her pocket alongside trinkets from the seaside. Then she turned and limped her way back home, wondering why she came in the first place as blood trailed after her.

~~The End~~

It isn't perfect – far from it – but it doesn't matter. It's a start. You can work with it. You can keep going. Finish the chapter by repeating this process over and over, then go back and polish it when you've let the experience sink in a bit. Who knows where you'll go??? (ﾟヮﾟ)/

I spent almost three hours on this instead of writing my own book, and I'm tired, so I don't know if this makes sense, but I hope it's helpful a little??? I tried not to make it complex as much as possible so people of many levels can understand and hopefully get something out of it;;;

It's the method I've been using for a long time, especially when I'm in a difficult part or just can't get myself to write anything. Start simple, get something done, and keep going.

….....which I realise is the complete opposite of what I'm doing. Oh gosh what have I done OAAAAAO

….also this is really long and I'm scared so I'm not even going to hard read it over or edit now that I'm done writing.

ROSI OUT

[retphienix]

There are so many fucking games I want to play for the blog and I hypothetically have the time, but the energy, the attention span, the drive?

In more positive terms here are some various titles I plan to give a shot for the blog.

Let's do a 5am state of the blog kind of thing to clear some thoughts, eh?

Morrowind (Current Game ramble)

For the moment the blog is more or less on break with me playing Morrowind ""For the blog"" but mostly for me, because that's just a game I've wanted to explore. Not that every other game on the blog isn't that, just that I looked at Morrowind and said "That'll be a terrible game to present naturally. That's a stream game, or a condensed video, not a liveblog" and then did it anyway.

I'm loving Morrowind! Honestly the sense of mystery, fantasy, and adventure is just chef kiss levels of perfect to me.

But it's terrible in a photoset, I'm not particularly interested in doing another format for the game, and it's a game with less 'intense narrative themes!' and more 'Incredibly different game design compared to modern Bethesda' in terms of discussion material and let's all be real here:

We're all fucking tired of that conversation lol.

So there ain't much to talk on in depth, it's more of a "Here's a newbie seeing new things!" playthrough with nothing to talk about after the fact, which ain't a strong point for the blog- again- that's a stream/video kind of thing.

ANYWHO- Morrowind fun, about the only news I can offer on that series is that it might abruptly end and become a 'for me' series because I'm not particularly interested in beating the game nearly as much as I'm interested in exploring aimlessly and seeing what happens.

I'm not playing Morrowind for the end goal of beating the main quest, or beating the DLCs. I'm playing it to wander into caves and find new pants, so if I reach a point where I'm satisfied with what I've shared and my motivation has not borne a new end goal then I'll end the live blog and move on to a new game :P

Backlog

The short statement I'll make is that this blog is a hell for my backlog.

Even without infinite money on hand I've ended up with so many physical and digital games just sitting here waiting to be played either because they caught my eye or because of recommendations by various people over the years.

I keep sitting down, cataloguing my backlog, realizing it's pointless to catalog, deleting it all, and then starting over yet again.

The fact is, if anyone recommended it it's probably still sitting in a text document somewhere, or physically on my shelf, and I don't remotely know when I'll get to it.

I've yet to hit the point where I decide to turn this blog into work, so I have never sat down and gone "Well, Retphienix NEEDS to post! Sit down, 8-12 hours minimum, let's play the next game!"

And part of me wishes I'd do that, but the fact is this isn't a job. There's no money here, there's the opposite even! I don't remotely see it that way, but if you squint and tilt your head I've spent a lot of money on this blog over the years.

Capture devices (a lot of them!), consoles specifically bought for the blog, controllers out the wazoo, I've gone through multiple computers for this thing, and the games, my lord the games- so many games.

And that's fiscally, what about manpower? So many hours have gone into this blog, so many hours poured into the background of making all this work, researching shit, putting my all into formulating my opinions clearly for posts, writing, hell video shit even though it's mostly clips as my one step into edited content became an impromptu awkward hiatus from doing more lol.

What was I on about.

Despite all that nonsense, Retphienix is a passion project. Not a job.

If I lack the passion in some sense then the work doesn't get done "just for the sake of the work". And I don't mean lost passion as much as "No motivation on x day; tired on y day; interested in doing something else on z day" etc.

If things aren't clickin' I don't force it, so the blog has all this backlog and isn't put together in a way that facilitates burning through it quickly.

I do sometimes wish things were different though, I know I'd still enjoy such a playstyle, but I can't justify "faking it til you make it" in a format that literally isn't built to pay and was never intended to.

I can't work myself for nothin'.

Hypothetical "Next" games

While the backlog is a wild wasteland of titles, there are some that just kinda guarantee their spots sooner rather than later.

Yakuza 6 and 7 along with Judgment, obviously. The series is one of my all time favorites and I generally have some of my absolute most fun on the blog side of things with those games, so it's a winner on two fronts. It's just fun to react to, post out of context things for, and talk with other fans about and for whatever reason tumblr has a healthy enough fanbase for the series that my meager blog gets some attention there.

Dragon Quest has a strangely weighted chance all things considered. DQ has many of the same advantages as Yakuza- it's a series I adore, it's fun to talk about in this format, and the fandom is big enough to occasionally spill my way making the blogging experience a bit more fun. It's also a series where I don't know what'd come next to be fair. Probably DQ4? I mean, might as well continue on from that point since I have 1-3 done. I can't exactly justify replaying the entirety of DQ11 no matter how much I want to! Turning on the games above gave me DQ goosebumps which kinda settled how likely it is to show up sooner rather than later, lol.

Jeez. I looked at one of my surviving lists and that's like all that's popping out at me.

Other series feel like giant leaps with no gas in the tank, like do I want to start playing Kingdom Hearts? Not really, not right now. Do I finally play Lisa? Eeeeeeh. Persona? Hmmmm.

I haven't the fuzziest. There are so many one off interesting titles, but if the drive ain't there they might as well be textbooks.

Perhaps instead of any major next game I'll just do some afternoons exploring random titles for a bit here and there with no intention of beating em.

The idea is enticing as hell, but the feeling of not giving the game's a "real shake" feels bad.

We'll see. The only certainties seem to be Yakuza and DQ, as much as I'd prefer far more.

Side project hypotheticals

Outside of the basic live blog stuff I'm still interested in exploring scripted stuff. Mostly to prove to myself that I can overcome some anxieties and break from the meandering pace the last effort gave- I can write! That much I know! So just gotta trick myself into writing for a video and then make the video after the fact lol.

Current thoughts are on a video exploring the monster taming sub-genre. It's a genre near and dear to my heart, and one I know some weird things about as is- but mostly it's a genre I KNOW I know very little about despite that, so I'd like to give it an overall look, or perhaps just explore some random entries, I haven't a clue lol. I'd mostly like an opportunity to talk about some interesting entries in the genre, things like explaining my adoration for DWM while explaining how the flaws make it really rough today, or the interesting mash of genres that is Lost Magic, or the more modern take that mashes idle-like mechanics with Siralim Ultimate.

Won't lie, playing the demo for Monster Hunter Stories 2 threw a wrench in that plan because it made me want to talk about it and how the genre might have a new breath of life after really grinding to a halt as pokemon became what it is today, but all to be seen or not lol.

As far as other things like streams? Not really.

The concept of writing a bit more on games is tickling the back of my head lately, but that mostly just means "more posts that aren't live-blogging" as I haven't the fuzziest where I'd share such nonsense.

Really it's all up in the air as far as retphienix content is concerned, beyond the live blogging obviously.

5am closing

It's fun to explore what games have to offer, both on the individual level, the personal level, and as a whole- as a medium.

So I like Retphienix.

And I like all I've made here.

I hope to continue for a long, long time- no matter what future formats might look like.

[pocket-void]

Hi Mock!

I wish you a good morning! (It's currently 8:30 am here and I hope you are asleep wherever you are because healthy sleep schedules and all that!) 🌻

I just found out that you write, too, and I've read "A cup of coffee" and honestly, is there something you can't do? Because that was really great! I enjoyed reading it so much!! And I love your Logan in it!

And can I ask: where so you get the motivation to do all this great stuff? Drawing, writing, school? Like, I have like 5 different writing projects screaming at me because I don't work on them and yesterday I outlined yet another fic that I'll probably never write because I just don't have the motivation and - how do you do it? Because I want to write. It's the best thing in the world to me. But I just can't get myself to do it, and when I do, everything I make feels kinda... not good. Ugly, if you will.

So I guess I just want to know what I can do to get myself away from that? Because I really need to write, I'll go insane otherwise O_o

Anyway, have a wonderful day and eat a cookie!! 🌼

Y’all who can format stuff in asks will never cease to bamboozle me. O///o

But hello!! I believe it’s the afternoon where you are now! ^\\\^ (Not to worry, if there’s one thing I try to get enough of it’s sleep!)

Heidhwkfns Yes I write too but it’s incredibly on and off since I’m not as confident with it and it takes much longer than art! >\\\< I 100% want to write more often tho, but my need to accomplish stuff just finds art less time consuming. I’m really glad you like “A Cup of Coffee” because I’m quite happy with how that one turned out! ^\\\^ (And also just genuinely surprised at how many people enjoyed it) So thank you!! ;///;✨💖

So, here’s the thing. I’m just a normal person, just like anybody else! There are days where I have 0 motivation to do anything, and days where I’m way too motivated but still do absolutely nothing anyways lmao- I can’t say that my experience will work for everybody of course, but I can try to explain how I feel or how I work things out when I don’t feel like doing things. u///u

The first step is to forgive myself, because it’s going to be ok. There’s nothing wrong with having an off day, and nothing wrong with not accomplishing anything for now. There should be no guilt involved in not touching something for ages, god knows I’ve got so much in the “maybe later” idea box that I will never get to. But that’s ok! My creations will never blame me for not working on them, so in turn I promised to never blame myself for it either. And if I ever go back to complete one of them, great! But if not, that still doesn’t mean that it was a waste. Everything you make has value, finished or not.

The second is to remember that I love them. I love them a lot. I love creating, I love art, I love writing, and I love the process behind them! What you write and create will never complain if they are “not the best” or “ugly”. Their value comes from how you feel about them. Nobody else’s imput matters. So what if it’s not great? So what if it’s a mess? My terrible crayon drawing from when I was 4? Love it. Still has my whole heart. They’re on my bedroom wall to this day! (Neatly framed and hung, courtesy of my dad) I ask myself why I sat down to do something in the first place, and the answer is always going to be because I love doing it! Everything I make means something to me, no matter how bad or how small. Because at the end of the day, I made something. And it’s all the reason I need to love it.

It doesn’t matter if this doodle looks bad or this draft makes literally no sense because even if it’s not good, I did it. Even if I feel like I’m going nowhere, I know that each creation is a small step in my long long journey of improvement. It might not seem like that sometimes, like everything we do doesn’t really seem like it’s getting better any time soon, but we can never tell unless we keep doing it right? Instead of being upset that I’m not very good now, I decided to try and look forward to how good I eventually will be. I find that prospect exciting! We never know how much we grow until we get there, it’s like a happy surprise! ^\\\^✨And in the meantime, I am allowed to be perfectly happy with what I already can do. How far I’ve already come. Even if other people tell me otherwise, even if it’s true that it’s not very great, who’s to say that I will always be? Not me, that’s for sure.

I am willing to be patient for the sake of what I do, because I am willing to do it for an eternity.

There is no race in doing what I love, because I am the only one on this path. I can see other people on their own paths too! And sometimes they’re faster and have way better stamina than me, but their final destination is ultimately going to be much much different than mine, even if we’re going in a similar direction. So there is no point in trying to match them; I decide to walk at my own pace. It’s much easier for me this way. Take breaks! Drink some water. We’ve all got our places to go. ^\\\^

Third thing about getting things done is, well, getting it done! Do you know how I wrote “A Cup of Coffee”? I pain stakingly stared at it all day with frequent breaks in between, read it a ridiculous amount of times until it didn’t sound like english, and had text to speech read it back to me a couple more times just so I could make sure, because I really really really wanted to finish it. And it probably was kind of messy, hahaha. >\\\<

I’m not suggesting you do what I did btw, because it’s not even how I always write things! My other story “Table for Two” was written under a much different context. For that one, I wrote parts of it on different days. I took walks thinking about how I’d word things, how I’d imagine the scene going, and how I should pace sentences. I actually deleted the entire first paragraph and started over a few times because it didn’t sound right. Then one afternoon I decided that I wanted this story done. So I sat down and did what I could, edited a few things afterwards, and tentatively showed it to a friend. I didn’t edit it much after that, but it was done!

If I learned anything from highschool, it’s that doing something imperfectly is better than not doing it at all. I’m still a pretty picky perfectionist and a terrible procrastinator, and it’s not easy! But I would much prefer something I make to be “messy but complete”, rather than “pretty good so far but not finished”. Personally for me, getting started is the hardest part of doing anything. I have yet to find an easier way to do it, but I know that sometimes I just need to sit down and do what I can to start writing. If a sentence sounds weird, I keep going, because I can come back to it later! But if a sentence doesn’t exist, I can’t fix that without, well, writing it. o///o So I consider that a start!

I definitely understand you when you say that you can’t get yourself to write because I currently kind of can’t either. >\\\< I have outlines that I won’t ever write, I have ideas that I’m not gonna get to, and I’ve got fics that I worry won’t be as good when I write them. But maybe today I’ll sit myself down and just write one sentence. Give it a title, make a document, and stare for a lil bit. Give it a beginning. Because for me, sometimes drawing the starting line somewhere helps. Maybe it can show me what direction I need to go in just a little bit clearer. u///u

At the end of the day, the thing I say all the time is enjoy what you do. It’s just genuinely the most important part of doing anything to me. Yes it can be hard and sometimes we worry about how it’s gonna be, but we still do it don’t we? We come back and try again because we love it. Because we really can’t live without it. So what’s wrong with just...doing it?

That’s how it is to be a creator for me, I suppose. And from one to another, I genuinely wish you the best of luck on your journey!!

After all, there will be no other quite like it. u///u💖✨

[hotchley]

hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

[majiniesthings]

¨i still have your phone number memorized even though i haven’t called you since we split and somehow i remembered it even though i’ve had like six shots of bourbon and hey, i know you’re pissed that you’re here at this dingy club at 3 in the morning to pick my drunk ass up, but you have to admit that’s pretty impressive¨ AU ~~ as frostiron. When you're finished I'll prompt you for more of those amazing au's :)

“I'm gonna write a quick angsty drabble”, shesaid. Now, 3294 words later... anyway. Hope ya like it, love, I don'tknow if I do, I'm tired, it's late, I need sleep.

Tony had deleted Loki's number from his contactsweeks ago so he wouldn't get drunk and tempted to do exactly what hewas doing now. Turns out his memory was better than he had givenhimself credit for, because even with Lord knew how many shots he'dhad and at oh-god-o'clock in the morning, he'd managed to type in thefamiliar numbers. It had seemed like a good idea, too, until Loki hadactually picked up.

“Hello?” Groggy, rough from sleep, a littleconcerned. Of course. It wasn't like he got calls in the middle ofthe night all the time. “Who is this?”

“Heyyy.” Tony greeted, drawn-out and a littlegiggly. “Din't think you'd be pickin' up. Din't think I'd get yournumber right, actually.” He slouched in his chair, chin propped upin his hand, and listened to the silence on the other end of theline. “'s 'cause I'm a genius,” he added. “Numbers are nice.Helluva lot easier than people, too.”

There was another moment of silence from Loki. Then:“How many drinks have you had, Anthony?”

Tony hummed contemplatively while he considered thequestion, eyeing the near-empty bourbon in front of him. After a fewseconds, he answered with absolute certainty: “All of 'em.” 

Somewhere behind him, there was a crashing noise and laughter.

“Are you home?”

“Nahhh. 's kind of empty.” Tony traced patternson the wood of his table morosely. “Flat's too big for one person.”His words were slurring together as he spoke, but he couldn't reallybring himself to care.

Loki muttered something under his breath that soundedlike it might be Norwegian. Cursing, probably. There was the rustleof movement, fabric. “Is someone with you?”

“Nah,” he repeated, slouching down in his seat.“Jus' me. An' the bourbon. Tastes like shit, too.” He reached forhis glass, downed the last finger still left and waved an unsteadyhand in the direction of the bartender.

“Where are you?” Loki's tone was clipped, curt,hell, even to Tony it was obvious that the man was pissed, but hehadn't heard his voice in weeksand he'd missed it, damn it. He missed Loki. “Anthony.” Nobodyever called him Anthony. With anyone else, it would annoy him, butLoki made it sound different. “Stop. Tell me where you are, now.”Had he been talking out loud? “Yes, you have.” Loki groaned.“Gods, you're plastered. Anthony, I need to know where you are.”

“Oh,” Tony madeeloquently. “'s the bar– the one you din't like. Said it's got noclass.” He giggled, then hiccuped. “You were right, too, thisplace is a mess. I'm a mess. Loki, I'm a mess.”

“I can hear that.” Asigh, sharp, annoyed, short. “Stay.”

The line went dead.

Tony stared at hisphone for a few moments, letters and numbers blurring, before hedropped it on the table when the waiter placed another shot in frontof him. He snatched the glassimmediately, liquid sloshing out over his fingers when he pulled ittoward him and downed half of it. It burned in his throat and madehis stomach churn and he wanted to cry or throw up or maybe both. Hewas probably going to end up doing both.

He'd been doing both a lotthe past few weeks. Calling Loki, that was new.

“Stupid,” he murmuredunder his breath, dropping his head into his hands. “Fuckin'stupid. Idiot.” They'd kept up radio silence until Tony just had togo and drunk-call his ex. Genius indeed.

Tony wasn't sure how muchtime passed just sitting there, musing and feeling sorry for himself,a finger absently tracing the rim of his glass. He was about to liftit again to drain it, call it a night, go home and wallow in selfpity where he had a bed, when paler, slender fingers wrapped aroundit and set it down out of his reach.

Surprised, he lookedup. Met Loki's eyes, narrowed, lips pressed into a thin line, hairhaphazardly pulled back into a loose bun at the back of his neck,dressed in a loose hoodie andjeans. Looking pissed.

“You're here,”Tony heard himself say, or at least he thought that was what he said.His tongue felt heavy and clumsy inhis mouth, words slurring together.

“Astute as ever,” Lokiresponded. “Up. Come on.” He sounded just as clipped as on thephone, expression unreadable.

Tony beamed at him.“You gotta admit s'impressive,” he slurred while he stumbled tohis feet, steadying himself on the table. “Didn'tthink I'd get enough brain cells together to actually remember yournumber.” He took a step forward and promptly stumbled when theworld started spinning wildly. “You always told me I was smart,”he murmured, muffled by the fabric of Loki's hoodie.

“I'm doubting it rightnow,” Loki muttered, grabbing a hold of Tony's arm to sling it overhis shoulder. The other wrapped around Tony's waist and he leanedinto Loki's side heavily, inhaling deeply.

“I still gotta...”He waved his free hand in thegeneral direction of the bar counter, hoping that Loki could fill inthe missing words.

He felt more thansaw the taller man shake his head. “I covered your tab, just get inthe bloody car. If you throwup on my upholstery, I'm going to make you walk.”

Tony murmureda quiet “charming” beforehe fell silent, eyes half-closed while he let Loki lead him. Heconcentrated on keeping his liquor down. Hereally didn't feel like walking.

He made a quietnoise of protest when Loki more or less dropped him in the passengerseat of his car and went around to get to the other side. Tonyslumped in his seat, head tilted back to stare at the roof of thecar. They'd done thingsin this car, he remembered fondly, things that involved him somehowfolding himself into the space between passenger seat and back seatand Loki's hands in his hair, hushed, breathless praise andencouragement in the air.  

The slam of the driver's side door closing jerked himout of his reverie and he looked over just as Loki glanced at him andheaved a sigh.

“For pity's sake, Anthony.” He leaned over andfor a second, Tony thought he was going to kiss him, tilted his headexpectantly, but then Loki just reached over him to fasten hisseatbelt and then dropped back against his own seat to do the samefor himself.

Of course.

Tony slumped into his seat, arms crossed and a pouton his lips. “I don't wanna go home.”

“Good, because I am not driving across town just todrop you off there,” Loki shot back while he pulled out of theparking lot. “Why did you even bother driving this far to getdrunk? There's enough bars around your block, this was hardlynecessary.”

“We met here.” Tony turned his head, watchedLoki's profile, illuminated every few seconds when they passed undera street light. “You were with Thor an' the other blond guy an' Ipicked a fight with Thor an' you told him he was...”

“I remember,” Loki cut him off, keeping his eyesso fixed on the road it must hurt his head. His knuckles were whiteagainst the steering wheel.

Tony watched for a few seconds, words bubbling up inhis throat, and he meant to keep them to himself, he really did, buthe found himself whispering an “I miss you” anyway.

If possible, Loki's grip seemed to get even tighter.“Don't,” he snapped, sharp, and Tony flinched and turned his headto stare down at his hands in his lap.

“Loki, I'm sor–”

“I said don't,”Loki cut him off again.

This time, helistened. They spent the rest of the brief ride in icy silence, Tonytwiddling his thumbs  andpicking at his nails, eyes falling shut every so often before a holein the road made him jerk awake again. He was feeling tired andnauseous and ten more kinds of miserable, especially knowing thatLoki was right here and Tony had screwed up, he'd screwed up so bad–

He stayed silentwhile Loki got him out of the car and up the stairs to his apartment,half-dragging Tony along as he went, andonly when they were at thedoor to the flat and Loki was fumbling with his keys did Tony curlinto him further, burying his face in the other man's neck. He couldfeel Loki tense slightly, but then the door was clicking open and hewas being hauled inside.

“Alright, get onthe couch,” Loki commanded, attempting to dislodge Tony's hold onhim, but Tony just threw his other arm around Loki's shoulders aswell and breathed in deeply, face still tucked against Loki'sshoulder. “Anthony. Get off of me. Geton the bloody couch.”

“No,” hemuttered, slightly muffled, and then “no”with more determination, andhe wasn't sure whatbroke the dam but suddenly he was talking, babbling.“Look, Lokes, I knowI fucked up, I'm sorry, I didn't know how to– I don't know, Ican't–”

“Anthony, stop.”For the first time, Loki's cold, annoyed demeanour cracked, togetherwith his voice. “Quit it.”

Tony clung to hishoodie tighter in response, shoulders shaking and breath coming inshort, hitched gasps. “Please, Lokes, 'm sorry, really, I–please, lemme fixthis, I love you, I do, I swear, andI shouldn't've run, but I don't know how this, I don't know how to–”

“Shhhh,” Lokimade, and it sounded soft,almost sweet, and then he was wrapping his arms around Tony andslender fingers were carding through his hair gently. “Hush,darling. Shh.” He kept up the soothing, repetitive motion and letTony cry, messy andugly and with tears soaking his hoodie, while Tony chided himself forever, ever lettingthis go in the first place. “Let's get you to bed, come on,” Lokimurmured in his ear, quietly.

“Please,” Tony chokedout, not sure what he was asking for, tightening his grip. He turnedhis head to the side, pressed a kiss to Loki's neck and felt himfreeze. Placed another kiss right under his jaw, got onto histip-toes to reach his cheek–

Yelped in shock whenLoki shoved him away forcefully enough that his back hit the wallbehind him.“I told you tostop,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “You're drunk, I am nottouching you when you're like this, get in the bedroom.” With that,he turned on his heel and disappeared toward the kitchen.  

Tonystayed where he was, let his head drop back against the wall with hiseyes squeezed shut. Stupid,he chided himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Heshould have never called Loki, he shouldn't have let himself betempted like this, shouldn't just have assumed that Loki wanted himback–

The way to thebedroom, achingly familiar, was made in small, stumbling steps andTony wanted to cry again when his face hit the pillow and he inhaledslowly, basking in Loki's scent while he blearily kicked off hisshoes and curled up on top of the covers. He was exhausted, had beenfor weeks now. He was ready to crash, already half-asleep a fewseconds after he'd closed his eyes.

Distantly, he heardLoki enter the room and set something down on the night stand firmly.“Drink,” he ordered. Then, quieter: “For heaven's sake.” Tonyfelt a hand on his shoulder, turning him around, then a glass wasbeing pushed to his lips and he obediently parted them, draining theglass and spilling surprisingly little of it.

He thought he feltLoki's lips pressing against his hair for a moment after he'd droppedback into the pillow, but it was probably his imagination, and hesuddenly felt too worn out to care.  

…

Tonywoke with a low, pounding headache and a feeling in his mouth likesomething small had curled up and died there. He muffled his groaninto his pillow and considered rolling over and going back to sleep,but he spotted a glass of water and painkillers on the night standwhen he reluctantly blinked his eyes open, so he sighed and draggedhimself up, downing two of the little pills and emptying the glasscompletely.

Herubbed a hand over his face while he willed the effects to kick inquickly, swinging his legs out of the bed. Yesterday'sclothes,he noted absently. Classy.Far from being awake, he shuffled into the bathroom, and plucked histoothbrush out of its holder, determined to get the foul taste out ofhis mouth.

Itwas only halfway through brushing his teeth, staring at himself inthe mirror, that he realised thatwasn't his mirror.It hadn't been his bed, either.

“Ohgod,” he muttered, mouth full, and numbly bent down torinse. “Oh, god.” He splashed some cold water in his face, ranhis wet hands through his hair to get it into some semblance oforder, and then met his own gaze in the mirror, cheeks red withhumiliation. “You fucking moron,” he told himself.

Hedried his hands and face off with a towel and straightened hisclothes as best as he could. Fiddled with the buttons of his shirt.Stroked some more stray strands of hair back, washed out the sink,wondered why Loki hadn't thrown his toothbrush out two months ago.

Whenhe realised he was stalling, putting off the inevitable, he forcedhimself to straighten up and take a breath.

Hewas a fucking mess without Loki. It was pathetic.

Bitingthe inside of his cheek, he stepped back into the bedroom, gatheringup his shoes from where he'd kicked them off, and then slowly steppedout into the living room.

Lokiwas curled in his armchair, in the hoodie and pants he'd worn lastnight, hair let down and glasses perched on his nose. There was abook on his knees and a mug of hot chocolate, probably cold by now,on the table next to him. He didn't look up.

“Hey,”Tony greeted softly. Awkwardly.

“Morning,”Loki returned, still not lifting his gaze. His voice was quiet andguarded. “Did you find the painkillers?”

Tonycleared his throat quietly. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Good.You know your way out.”

Heflinched at the clear, harsh dismissal, shifting on his feet for aminute. A great part of him was tempted to just turn tail and run,but he'd done that the last time and he could see where it had gottenhim. He needed to dosomething.

“Loki,look, I'm sorry for the way that I–”

“Idon't want to hear it,” Loki interrupted him, still not looking up,sounding strained, tight. “You know where the door is, Anthony, youhad no trouble finding it last time.”

Yeah,he'd probably deserved that one. “I know I wasn't being fair –”

“Youweren't being fair?” Loki echoed, and now he did look up. For thefirst time, Tony noticed the dark shadows under his eyes and hispaler-than-usual skin tone, found himself wondering if Loki had sleptat all after picking him up. The sound of his book snapping shutcracked through the room like a whip, making Tony flinch. “That'sone way of putting it, yes.” Loki got up from the chair, takingslow steps toward him. “You could have at least had the decencyto talk to me, you know, instead of just cuttingme offlikeI'm some... some...” He stopped halfway through the room, running ahand through his hair and shaking his head. “I'm not doing this.Getout.”

Tonystepped forward, a little defiant. “Come on, Lokes, you gottalisten to me at least.”

“Iwould have listened to you!” Loki snapped. “I would have listenedif you had talkedto me, instead of running off – you didn't answer your phone, youchangedthe keytoyour bloodyapartment,we had radiosilence.I resorted to asking your friends because I was worried sick. Thefirst sign of life I received from you in over two months was adrunkenphone call!” His voice cracked on the last word and he drew a shakybreath, turning away from Tony, who stood rooted to his spot, shoesstill in hand.

Fora few seconds, the only sound in the room was Loki's quick, hitchedbreathing. Then, Tony shook himself out of his stupor. He set hisshoes down gingerly and then padded across the room on his sockedfeet, approachingLoki and very carefully resting his hands on the other man's waist.When Loki didn't immediately shake him off, Tony stepped a littlecloser, fitting himself against Loki's back and wrapping his armsaround his waist completely.

Loki'ssigh sounded almost resigned.

“Ifreaked,” Tony began hesitantly, murmuring into the back of Loki'shoodie. “I... you have more stuff at mine than over here, I knowthat for a fact, I've been wearing your hoodies, and I have enough ofmy things hereto last me a few days, and– and we basically live together most ofthe time and it is so fucking weirdto wake up without you and we can tell each other 'I love you'without freaking out and I guess I just... I realised how goddamncommittedweare and I got scared I was gonna fuck up because it actually meanssomethingthis time around–”

“Youdid,” Loki interjected, and Tony ground to a halt, blinking inconfusion.

“Huh?”

“Fuckup. You did. You fucked up.” His shoulders were shaking and Tonyhoped to god that it was with laughter.

“GuessI did,” he muttered, then cleared his throat. “I was trying toget to a point here.”

“Praytell, what was it?” There was a trace of his usual sarcasm inLoki's voice and Tony almost cried with relief.

Tonybreathed in deeply, closing his eyes while he leaned his cheekagainst Loki's back. “The point being, I thought it was gonna bebetter if I pull out of this before doing it gets worse and evenharder later and I realised it was stupid a few days into it but Ididn't know how to tell you what was going on, I didn't know if Icould face you without panicking again, and so I kept up the radiosilence which was a dick move, I get it, but...”

“Yourpoint, Anthony,” Loki reminded him gently, and Tony nodded jerkily.

“Yeah.Yeah. Well, basically, my point is that I was being stupid and thatI'd never, everwant to not have you in my life, and I know you have every right tobe pissed at me and if I fuck up again you can kick me out and I'lldeserve it but I'd like a second chance please?” He'd gottenquicker the longer he talked, words tumbling out of his mouth in whatwas hopefully the correct order, and now he was holding his breathwhile he felt Loki's chest shake with a silent laugh. God, he hopedit was a laugh and he hadn't made him cry.

Hefelt more than saw Loki raise a hand to wipe at his face while hetook a slow, unsteady breath.

“Youare buying me dinner tonight,” Loki announced eventually and Tonythought he was going to sob with relief. “And if I hear youcomplaining about your hangover, I'm leaving.”

“That'sfair,” he agreed immediately, a little choked up. “Yeah. Okay.Let's do dinner.”