#I'll just continue to revel in my misery until something else takes me out of it

[fungisteri]

Huh, I've never been so dysphoric before I start stress eating. First time for everything I guess

[maplesyrupless]

#5

There's a common knowledge among my friends, close and not so close, and it's that i enjoy saying mean things, It's enjoyable to me ! No, i don't feel particularly bad about it, that is, until, it actually affects someone. Once it's hurtful and once it's actually causing harm, i don't like it. Guess that's pretty human of me to do and feel. I refuse to believe that there are people that get no joy out of being mean, no matter how severe or weak the meanness is.

In case you are curious, for the sake of narrative. For the sake of example. For the sake of making this a more interactive journal. Im gonna give you an example.

Say a friend wants me to handle some interpersonal problems, say they want me to respond to someone in their behalf because they trust me and because they bet on my honesty and character. Who would bet on that anyways, money is precious, but in any case. In any form. Nevertheless. At any rate, they do. Before i can take care of it they say to me: "I'll leave this to you, but don't be too rough with it"

"I don't get rough. You know me. If you are leaving this to me then leave this to me. Don't forget that you rather let me handle this because of your lack of back bone"

Sure, if it had been as simple as just saying "Hey, my friend is hurt by how you are acting" to this person i was about to talk to, they wouldn't have come to me. But i enjoy saying stuff like that when i know the truth damn well. And the moment i enjoy it, i lose sight on whatever was enjoyable about it on the first place.

Needless to say, i took care of it. Funnily enough, their relationship was flowering a couple weeks later, isn't that funny, isn't it interesting that people live in a society so they learn from a young age to forgive and forget. Isn't it so, so, so fucking weird. I guess that's also part of what makes us the species that we are, we find joy even in the worst of conditions, and we also find misery in the best. I guess i was never that blinded by love. I guess i wasn't ever really in love. Whatever that means of course, topic for another day maybe? look at me go, little narrator Jr. finding a new topic to talk about in the page im writing now, silly old me teehee.

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I guess there's aspects of human society that i've always struggled to understand. Not that i don't, have i told you that im actually really smart? I know, oh just how fortunate I am. Go me. Not that i believe that, mind you. Or maybe i do, what do you know? go be nosy somewhere else.

But, if you ask me, for example: It's a mystery to me the amount of faith people put on things, never doubting anything, never questioning things, just happy living in ignorance. I consider myself to be knowledge starved of topics. All topics. No matter how niche. It's fun just to know things for the sake of it. Of course, there's a lot i don't know about. Me, inept and poorly educated me, lacked the understanding of something as trivial and simple as believing in something to be comforted by it. But i guess i do get it now. They probably do it because it's easier than doubting the veracity of something.

Doubting.

Is stressful.

The point is that it's less about not doubting something than about "not wanting to doubt", people like believing that they can trust something. Their surroundings. The world. People.

They want security.

So they simply reject doubting, and believe. I guess in that sense our society is as comfortable as it gets. Please continue being comfortable, live on. Get to experience happiness.

However, and i can't express this enough. Be skeptical. If you don't want to live your life making a mess out of things, be skeptical.

This isn't, of course, any life advice, or a place for you to take my thoughts as revelation. You would be pretty stupid to do so. Moronic even. Just a stupid person. No shame in that. Just don't be that type of stupid. If you are, go die somewhere.

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I guess as a finishing touch. The torch before the finish line. The final stretch. The added details. I might as well add a small little reflection upon myself that i had recently.

I'm not at all a socially awkward person. I know how society works, better than most. I see it. And i get it. I live in one and participate on one. Everyone does. I see everything and i get everything. Some people are like books to me. I'm probably more socially aware than most. I read the room. There, i had enough jerking myself off for now, heh.

This italic font sucks, by the way. Fix it, Tumblr.

I've been so socially aware that even as i child i started getting how society works. I started without noticing a trend in how i acted towards someone that knew less than me. I used to dumb myself down, just so they don't feel bad about themselves because that how society works. Some people call that humbleness. I call that lying. I knew about the topic, i pretended to not know just for your sake. Be grateful. Or not. Maybe you don't get it after all. Or maybe you do, but ignore it.

Which terrifies me even more.