#I'll interrogate my feelings on it more when i have time idk

[rosesocietyy]

there's an element to how these stories are being presented that's starting to nudge my nerve a little but I'll be quiet until the season ends

[islandofsages]

Hey ! Can I ask for the Diasomnia boys reacting to a male!Ignihyde!reader who join the gargoyle club (idk if it's name) ?

Like, the reader is really just interest in the gargoyles, and isn't scare of Malleus (or anyone, really. Man is too tired for being scare.)

Ignore it if you don't want to write it.

Have a good day/night ! And happy new year too.

characters: diasomnia boys x male ignihyde reader

tags: platonic, canon compliant, fluff, imagines + scenario format; mentions of malleus in literally everything, lilia being a dad

warnings: none

author's notes: reader is so idgaf energy i love it. also i just remembered the small font feature exists LMAO do tell me if it's too small, i'll change it back to the original size!! if not, i'll change my previous posts to the smaller font. also you have a good day/night too anon ! and happy new year :D

Malleus Draconia

Oh? You want to join the Gargoyle Studies Club? You’re being serious? Oh!

Words cannot describe how happy he is about a fellow gargoyle appreciator though his expression doesn’t really show that

And to think you see him as just another dude… such honor was bestowed upon him…!

He’ll excitedly bring you to every gargoyle he’s found on campus and infodump about them - and you’d write them down somewhere if you’re in the mood

Sometimes you’d find new gargoyles and bring him to them and you start to do likewise

Even outside of club activities you two geek out about gargoyles at times which has earned you two the title of nerds

“Have I told you about the time I’ve met talking gargoyles? I never thought I would see such a day…”

Gargoyles aside, he has times where he confides his personal daily life in you and in turn, he’ll ask you what’s it like being in Ignihyde, etc

After being around each other so much, it feels weird when you guys aren’t together - some people would ask where Malleus is whenever you’re on your own, and vice versa

People found it weird how close an Ignihyde student is to someone from a different dorm too and you’re not sure if you should be flattered or not

But in a sense, Malleus really is your other nerdy half.

Sebek Zigvolt

You?????? Join the club where Malleus is president and is the only member of?????????

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’RE WORTHY OF JOINING SUCH A CLUB?”

Well, for one, the fact that you’re unfazed by his constant yelling and therefore probably too tired to be fazed by anything, consequently making you the perfect companion to Malleus because you wouldn’t react inappropriately to Malleus’ conduct

And that you actually are interested in gargoyles. That too. You tell all this to him

He clutches his head with one hand, debating your logic. You don’t know how and why but he accepts your argument

That doesn’t stop him from monitoring you two’s activities from afar but, again, you couldn’t care less. A sixteen year old’s fanatics is just part of the growing process

Outside of club activities, he interrogates you on what you’ve discussed with Malleus and you just tell him the truth: gargoyles

At some point, he gets so engrossed in your infodump about gargoyles his eyes shine with a new light

Of course, he mentions something about Malleus obviously liking something so interesting and befitting of his status - but he also thanks you for enlightening him on the topic and that he’ll go to you for more information if need be

You’ve converted him. You sometimes see him clutching a book about gargoyles around the school. It’s filled with notes sticking out of the pages. And a portion of that sometimes he’ll run to you to confirm about a fact or two

Maybe it’s safe to say you two are kind of friends now.

Silver

He doesn’t think too much of it other than being glad that Malleus finally has a fellow gargoyle fan he can geek out with

He’d see you and Malleus chatting it up around campus and he can’t stop the tender smile on his face from making an appearance

Sometimes he himself will try to strike up a conversation with you and gargoyle geek aside, he finds that you’re just a pleasant person to talk to and be around

He admits he’s not too close with any of the folks from Ignihyde aside for the Shroud brothers but you brush him off by saying that nobody is really

He also admires how you don’t really let anything get to you. Again, you shrug it off by half-joking that you’re too tired to be scared by anything at this point

He somewhat empathizes with you on that point, grieving over his narcoleptic tendencies with a heavy sigh

You try your best to cheer him up or if you have experience with such things, you give him advice on how to manage it

You then jest that he can tag along with you and Malleus’ club activities whenever he’s free if he wants. The more, the merrier, right?

He ponders it for a minute and nods. You didn’t think he’d actually accept the offer

“I don’t see a reason to refuse. Sebek and I have accompanied Malleus on his trips before. I’m sure this time around will be more fun with you here.”

And so you all do. You all have a royal time together - and the joy on Silver’s face is especially princely.

Lilia Vanrouge

He sheds (crocodile) tears at the thought of Malleus finally having an additional member in his one-man club more friends

Since you’re chill about it, he is too! As long as you get along with Malleus, everything will be fine and dandy

If anything, he’s a bit impressed by how it takes more than the average amount to gain a reaction out of you 

…and a bit concerned. Are you sure you’re getting enough nutrients? His paternal instincts kick in when you tell him you’re too tired to have a reaction to anything

He knows that Ignihyde students are mostly shut-ins but he still advises you and makes sure you get a balanced diet

It’s like he’s adopted yet another son

“Oh, (Y/N), you really ought to take care of yourself more.”

You grow a bit annoyed at him sometimes but you know his intentions are good so you don’t protest

You do feel very loved though. You didn’t expect this much from just joining a club for a topic you’re genuinely interested in

But you have to admit it is kind of hard to come by people who aren’t intimidated by the Malleus Draconia, even if you don’t see it as anything special

What’s special, though, is the affection Lilia holds for you.

[angelsdean]

Honestly I hate that every meta post / analysis / discussion is viewed as "discourse" more often than not. And the idea that one interpretation MUST reign supreme among fandom. That we must all agree in order to get along. Or that one post is the end all be all of someone's takes. As someone who often enjoys entertaining multiple / contradictory takes and angles of interpretation it's...annoying. My opinions also evolve and fluctuate on rewatches / depending on mood / depending on fandom climate at the time / etc.

I like having discussions with friends (sometimes those discussions are public, sometimes they're not). I like trying to see their POV. Sometimes I come away seeing things differently. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I AM more critical of other characters in the moment. Sometimes I give them more grace. Sometimes I'll make a post in a rewatch, feeling big feelings, and then come back later to amend it, with a more balanced perspective. But there have been times when I have been blocked / unfollowed for one angle or take and that ends up not even being my MAIN mode of interpretation but just something I was rotating around. idk sometimes a post is not the end all be all of what someone thinks abt a character / plot point / story arc. Sometimes we can be critical without being a capital H hater. There is room for nuance. multitudes. contradiction. We can have preferences or think something was not portrayed as well as it could have been. We can be annoyed by those things and talk abt them. I also do not need to agree with every single take my mutuals and pals have. Sometimes I heavily diverge, and that's ok! I think having different viewpoints and candid discussions is often beneficial to fandom. But these discussions are not all "discourse" or "fandom fighting." Sometimes people just have different opinions or interpretations. Sometimes what looks like "discourse" is actually just fandom friends discussing differing viewpoints.

As someone who also likes arguing a thesis and citing sources to support an argument and doing analysis and literary interpretation, I can say that even for takes I don't necessarily agree with, effective arguments can be made for that interpretation and supported by canon evidence. I think that's why "open to interpretation" often chafes at some fans. Because it means multiple interpretations CAN exist and be effectively argued. Mine and yours. There is no one singular ultimate truth in literary interpretation. Not even authorial intent. That's the beauty and fun of media analysis IMO. We can each find different meaning from the same source material and diverge. I may continue to argue for my interpretation (in the academic sense of "arguing a thesis") because that's the position I've chosen to align with, but that doesn't mean I think it's the only one you CAN have. And no, not all interpretations are created equal or are argued in good faith. Some ARE more valid than others and better argued / supported. And sometimes an interpretation is only one of many a person can have.

Overall, I don't like the idea that fandom needs to be a hive mind, and that we all MUST have the same opinions or interpretations or come away from the show feelings the same way or else it's "ruining the fandom fun." Sometimes I staunchly disagree with people, especially when takes are rooted in bad faith fanon more than anything that actually transpired on screen. I won't play nice with people that are just Making Up Some Guy to be mad and insisting I must also hate that guy, who doesn't exist. But I can and do have discussions with friends and mutuals where we interpret canon events differently! And I value those other perspectives. They challenge me to question my own viewpoint, to interrogate my takes, to check myself when I get too rooted in Only One Way of thinking. I don't want there to only be one way of interpreting. And sometimes even I will contradict myself and explore other avenues, for the fun of it.

and before THIS post gets interpreted as discourse I would like to issue the disclaimer: that this isn't directed at any individual blogger or any specific post. do not go after anyone. this is just some general thoughts and feelings I've been having about fandom for a LONG time.

[harmonysanreads]

HARMONYYY i just finished the penacony quest and OH MY GOD. the emotional damage wtf... and the murderer 😕 i honestly don’t think anyone could’ve foreseen that

on another note, sunday really does have huge yandere potential !!! (i was swooning the entire time he was on screen im sorry.) he literally isn’t beating the allegations at all. even the other characters comment on how weird it is for him to casually keep a model of the golden hour, because what in the control freak 😭

he seems like he’d play dollhouse with darling. after all, in a place like that, every single aspect of it is under his thumb — literally. having that much control over your circumstances is a reassurance. oh, are the placeholder models crashing? don’t worry dear, he can fix the malfunctions. he can even make them speak more realistically for you. he can give anything to you, even change the layout of the place entirely if you’re bored of it. you want to get back to normal size? well, he can’t quite do that just yet, please understand..

or if he pulls that weird interrogation magic thing on them. darling who just lies through the entire thing, and he uses this to scare them about the death countdown while not mentioning the part that he has the power to really just cancel it in the end. though, the same trick won’t work on them twice. at least the process gets darling to become part of the family in the end.

not to mention the spies he has everywhere. stupid birds watching you in every corner…

idk i just want to hold him and shake him aggressively. out of love, of course.

- 🕯️

When I tell you I've lost sleep over the thought of just how much more Sunday is probably capable of doing, nonnie.

If he has access to technology and power like this, which are all unrestricted for his personal use moreover, imagine the things he's hiding. And imagine farther the things he had to do to get to where he is today, another dash of spice to the mix. I went back to his scenes and did some thinking. The me-slandering-Sunday is obviously a joke but I really, really hope people just don't focus on the morally-gray and questionable aspects of him and completely disregard his other characteristics now.

If you think about things from his perspective, he really is just trying his best to keep the image of The Family. But the loss of probably the only person he trusted with his heart and the disregard to bring justice to that case from The Family's side, compelled him to put his agenda first (as he himself mentions that he allowed Aventurine to pull that stunt so that it'd lure Gallagher out). What we get from this is, while Sunday is an extremely dedicated member of their faction, he had to learn to be selfish in certain situations to save his and Robin's backs.

The desire to control usually comes from a feeling of helplessness. We can make some speculations based on the current information of why Sunday has these tendencies, I've also seen some people say he has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) but, we can't be sure until his full lore drops. Another thing to note about Sunday is how lonely he probably is, especially at present. The Family is in chaos, the situation of Robin, external forces' traps, the Charmony festival's deadline and he doesn't even have one person he can sit down with and not question their motives. He really must want to rest just as much as the characters around him are suggesting.

So basically, Sunday is a multi-layered character, just like Aventurine. He's definitely a politician, is what I'll say. Even though he is a control freak whose motives are hard to guess, he's still that little boy fighting for his and Robin's shared dream inside.

[zmediaoutlet]

Survey results time.

At time of downloading the data we got just over 300 responses, which is not bad for a survey that was long and complicated to take! I'm sure my shamelessness helped. Being a survey for a specific crowd, we also didn't get anyone (as far as I could tell) taking the survey in bad faith, which is a legit surprise. Special shout-out to the several people who, when asked to write literally anything to say they understood what was going on, wrote "literally anything"; additional shout-out to the person who wrote "penus and hole" (sic). You get it, anonymous person.

I'm going to share the top results for the questions here, but I'll also include the raw data as a sheet at the end in case anyone wants to actually go through it with a fine-tooth comb. This is not a survey where cute pie charts or graphs would be useful or readable, so get ready for some sweet-ass numbers:

Story Genre

Unsurprisingly, our leaderboard for most favorite story genre in the 'Anytime!' category is as follows:

Hurt/comfort (153 votes)

Angst (142 votes)

PWP (139 votes)

We just like the guys to get the shit beaten out of them, angstily, and then they can feel better by jerking off about it. The ideal evening.

The big loser in genre, with 34 buds flat out saying "not for me", was Dark!fic. That said, Dark!fic also got 112 votes (third highest) for "has to be JUST right," so we can probably take from there that while as a group we don't hate dark content, we have pretty strict definitions for a) what counts as dark, and b) what kind of dark we're willing to take.

Gencest/gen was arguably the most 'eh, idk?' of the genres, with respectable showings in every category from Anytime to No; most people don't hate it, but people aren't really seeking it out either. It's definitely There.

Story Setting

The winner of most 'Anytime!' votes for story setting is close to my heart; the podium is:

Bunker era (142 votes)

Canon-close, codas, etc (129 votes)

Pre-series/weechesters (126 votes)

It feels good to know that canon is on our side. This may help explain why various alternate universe settings didn't do so hot with the respondents -- the least fave according to this survey is an age!swap AU, followed by a raised apart!AU. Writers who are making Sam the big brother who lives in Cleveland while baby Dean lives in Seattle, you keep living your truth, but readers are rearing back.

That being said, while Canon Divergence isn't an overall winner, it has a full 149 votes in the 'Dig it' category; so, while we may generally prefer canon, we're willing to be led on a garden path away from it. We just want canon to be within shouting distance, at least.

Canonical Character Variants

Here's where the survey gets more complex. I've always been interested in how and why people are fandoming about things, and simple 'yes/no' surveys rarely dig into that meat. The point of the superego/ego/id separation is to really interrogate -- hey, do you like to read about (for example) soulless!Sam because you find it interesting on a high-minded level, or because your heart-strings are getting tugged even if you think it's kinda dumb, or just because it makes you so hornt-up you can't think straight? All are valid, and all are possible simultaneously, but it's interesting to prod at to see how the interest is working. You might also just be like, eh, it's fine, or GOD, STOP, and that's fine too. So, with all that said:

Superego winners:

demon powers!Sam (202 votes)

soulless!Sam (177 votes)

blood addict!Sam (160 votes)

Y'all like to really brain about how Sam is fucked up. I get it.

Ego winners:

Trials of Hell!Sam (186 votes)

blood addict!Sam (180 votes)

demon powers!Sam (161 votes)

Still all Sam, and no surprise that his saintly pale sleeplessness is winning the heartstrings battle.

Id winners:

demon!Dean (205 votes)

demon powers!Sam (175 votes)

blood addict!Sam (165 votes)

Again, no surprise: fandom girlies (gn) love their bad boys, lol. Soulless snuck in at #4 here with 163, presumably because working out still wearing a belt was juuuust dorky enough to kick him off the podium; #5 was Smith & Wesson at 162, probably because if they'd been left in that AU for ten more minutes they would have been fucking over the top of Dean Smith's desk. Glad we're all on the same page, there.

The nopes here were an interesting mix. In the full-on No Thank You category we had Michael!Dean and Gadreel!Sam (with 52 and 53 votes respectively) -- it would be interesting to know if that was due to dread of the storyline specifically, or just how No Bad Wrong it felt to have it happening. These two also led the 'meh' category, although they were joined on the podium of bad by Endverse!Dean (128 Meh votes), which frankly shocked me. Y'all aren't into his thigh holster? C'mon now. Sure, he murders his friends without compunction, but -- thigh holster!

Story Tropes

These ones were fascinatingly all over the place, which is exactly why I wanted to do this. Going to just run down the S/E/I podiums real quick, then 'Hard sell', then No --

Superego winners:

Outsider!POV (211)

Someone Finds Out (191)

Mental health issues (190)

Ego winners:

Mutual pining (252)

First time (242) AND Sick/injured (242)

First time in a long time (235)

Id winners:

Jealousy/possessiveness (224)

First time (218)

First time in a long time (180)

Now, part of what's interesting about these is how they fall off in other categories. Outsider POV wins handily at Superego with 211, but then drops all the way down to 92 votes at Id -- which isn't nothing, but clearly it's preferred to have a heckin' think about how other people view the incest relationship, rather than thinking it's just So Hot that people might. Similarly, while people do think it's so so hot for one brother or the other (or both!) to be possessive at 224 votes, when it comes to the superego that drops right down to 134 votes, presumably as the brain wakes up and goes RED FLAG!

Entering the land of no thank you, we shall have two anti-podiums:

Real hard sell:

Infidelity (127)

magic/powers!Dean (125)

Unrequited/no relationship upgrade (110) AND "Carver Edlund" fandom

This is a much more mixed bag. Infidelity and Unrequited are no surprise here, because it Feels Bad, Man; magic!Dean also not really a surprise, given that most of our respondents prefer being closer to canon, and Dean is very much our mundane buddy in the show as presented. (A delightful buddy, but a distinctly nonmagical one.) Carver Edlund fandom makes me laugh mostly because it's such a bananas thing to exist in the show. Sam and Dean reading big bang fics about each other? Collectively we just... don't know what to do with that. Weird.

Squick/No/Maybe one exception:

Permanent character death (140)

Infidelity (108)

Eating disorders (102)

Again, no surprise in the anti-winners of 1 or 2 here, but number 3 surprised me, personally. ED fic used to be a pretty big wedge of common tropes that people would seek out. Perhaps it's gotten less popular over the years? Or perhaps just that the people who like it REALLY like it and so chat about it out loud, while those who don't quietly bury it in sand, lo as a cat does with their leavings.

Most extreme delta in 'general interest' (whether that be S,E, or I) to 'ehh' (whether that be Hard Sell or Squick) is first time. Y'all loooove your first time.

Sexy Tropes, Vol. 1

This is where I really wanted to know if people could pull apart their interests between brain and heart and guts. Hopefully people were honest, as requested. Some of them we know are slight liar answers, because the hits on AO3 tell a story that can't be refuted -- nevertheless, here's what people were willing to admit to.

Bulletproof kink/will read any version:

Bedsharing (158)

Incest kink (139)

Size kink (133)

your friendly neighborhood survey creator is jumping up and down going 'wooo' that size kink made the podium. also I hope everyone understood that incest kink meant, like, indulging in the incest of it all via 'oh you're so totes my brother and i want to suck your dingle for that reason specifically', but I realize that could've been clearer.

Easy sell/you don't have to work hard for me to enjoy:

shameless bottom!Dean stuff (151)

switching (147)

voyeurism (138)

the first one here genuinely surprises me considering what I see getting written most often; is this a case of just not being in the right venn diagrams, or the 'easy sell' just not matching up with what people are being sold? Curiouser and curiouser.

Medium sell/not my fave, but I can see how it appeals:

bad/awkward sex (120)

phone sex (114)

in [drug/alcohol] veritas (110)

edging into awkward town in a few ways here: we don't love these, but we can see how it'd be fun. or not fun, in the case of bad sex.

Hard sell/this is unbelievable or uninteresting so you have to work hard to get me to enjoy it:

always-another-gender!AU (84)

multiple Sams or Deans (73)

genderswap (magic) (72)

so, in general, we prefer to keep the penises around and intact, but just one Sam penis and one Dean penis, please. Here, I'm interested that the volume is much lower than in the top category: maxing out at 84 hard sells compared to 158 bulletproof options means that we're willing to give more of these tropes a chance, even if they're not our faves. How accepting we are!

Squick/no/maybe one exception:

always-another-gender!AU (83)

A/B/O elements (65)

multiple Sams or Deans (51)

strong overlap with the hard sell; and, keeping in mind that people were able to choose multiple options, it's possible that some of those were identical votes. Again, please keep the penises straightforward and only two at a time. A/B/O is interesting here, especially given what we know of how well it does on AO3; while it's a big squick for a lot of people, it also has decently high votes in bulletproof/easy, averaging 82 votes. Mixed bag!

Sexy Tropes Vol. 2, Electric Boogaloo

Bulletproof kink/will read any version:

Possessive/claiming sex (129)

Marking (hickeys/bruising) (116)

Hair pulling (103)

Let's glance back up at the Id winners in the story tropes above, hmm quietly to ourselves, and move on.

Easy sell/you don't have to work hard for me to enjoy:

Marking (hickeys/bruising) (135)

Hair pulling (130)

Possessive/claiming sex (121)

Well, that's boring. So let's expand so as not to be repetitive:

4. Dub-con (116) 5. Dom/sub (113) AND Underage (113) 6. Knifeplay (107)

There we go. Pretty easy to put all of those into one fic, too.

Medium sell/not my fave, but I can see how it appeals:

Blindfolds (128)

Painplay (116)

Shibari/rope play (112)

We're starting to lose interest as accessories come into play. Interesting to compare D/s and its relative success against painplay -- so, tell him what to do, but don't hit him while you're doing it. Fair enough.

Hard sell/this is unbelievable or uninteresting so you have to work hard to get me to enjoy it:

Fucking machines (94)

Vore (80)

Mommy!kink (77)

Entertaining mix here, haha. General feasibility may be rearing its head here. (Also, for my own entertainment: daddy!kink got 67 Hard Sell votes. People generally prefer to keep it as horizontal incest, not vertical incest.)

Squick/no/maybe one exception:

Feederism (164)

Vore (161)

Extreme underage (157)

No surprises here, although some fans of the nibbly variety of wincest may be disappointed by vore's poor placement. Note also that 'extreme' is in the eye of the beholder; we'll leave aside value judgments, as we have for the whole survey, and note that people are not indulging in a version of underage they find to be personally past the line, or at least are not admitting to that.

At a glance, the closest matchup between bulletproof for some and a squick to others is bloodplay, with just 1 vote separating the two categories: 44 bulletproof, 43 squick. Next time someone tries to tell you that 'everyone' likes or doesn't like something, please take it with an entire shaker full of salt.

Dynamic & Position Preferences

I tried to encourage people not to think too hard about this one and just answer on instinct. Who knows if that worked. But here are some overview takes:

Toppy/dominant: Sam takes the lead here, with 69% of respondents being in the 'Love it!' category. Nice. (217 votes)

Dom Dean earned a respectable 52% of 'Love it!' votes (163).

However, I was also interested to check out the inverse --

subby!Sam: 44 'Very no thank' votes (13%) subby!Dean: 27 'Very no thank' votes (8%)

It's interesting to leap way back up and compare that against 'shameless bottom!Dean stuff' doing so well in the rated E categories. Makes you ponder.

Actual sex position: Frequently switching takes the win here, with 61% of the vote (194 votes). Sam always topping edges out if people must choose, with 144 votes; Dean always topping is our lowest choice, with 112.

Service!topping: this is a fairly niche fic type, but it does still exist -- I guess in a world of bottoms someone's got to actually get up and do something, and it is hilariously an almost perfectly even split:

service!top Sam: 50.17% (151 votes) service!top Dean: 51.50% (155 votes)

A healthy percentage of people said they didn't care about these questions either way, and more power to them. However, they were wildly outvoted by those who did.

Multishipping Time

Our final categories are when other people get their grubby hands on Sam or Dean, either canonically(ish) or in our fandom activities.

Canonical relationships for Sam

Jess wins, quelle surprise. :) 161 people Dug It and who can blame them.

Amelia LOSES, shocking no one: 112 people said Fuck That.

Eileen was definitely a mixed bag; her results, in order, were: Meh: 92; Fuck that: 76; Worse than meh: 66; Dug it: 44.

Canonical(ish) relationships for Dean

Note here: it was too unbalanced if we only went with people Dean officially dated. However, the show leaned hard into a few unrequited male relationships for him, which we included here, and no one sent me hate about it so I guess that was fine.

Benny wins the Love It! category with 129 votes, barely edging out Cassie at 122. Benny is best boy, so that fits.

Cas loses with a full 99 Fuck That votes, which is probably what we'd expect from a wincest survey. That said, he also got 93 Dug It votes, so it's a pretty balanced showing.

Poor Lisa sits firmly at Meh with 148 votes. It's not that we hate you, Lisa; we just don't really know what to do with you. Which is pretty much how the relationship went in the show.

Shipping Sam like FedEx

We returned to the S/E/I model for shipping as we did for tropes, because it means something very different to go 'oh sure, I can see how that would be interesting' vs saying 'I want them to fuck rawnasty and I don't care why they're doing it.' Apologies if I left out your favorite side-ship but, shit, there's only so much time in the day.

So, we return to the podiums:

Superego:

Ruby (132)

Rowena (121)

Cas (102)

Ego:

Rowena (121)

Cas (106)

Ruby (90)

Id:

Ruby (125)

John (121)

Rowena (118)

So that was going on sedately until Dad came in like a hammer. Fascinating. On the other hand:

No:

Lisa (234)

Donna (222)

Claire (219)

Interesting to me that these three are ladies that Sam theoretically could have got up in but people are not into it, regardless. This is slightly different to Dean's 'no' category -- spoilers for three inches of screen space!

Dean, Shipped by UPS

Superego:

John (129)

Benny (115)

Lisa (99)

Ego:

Benny (134)

John (116)

Lisa (102)

Id:

John (147)

Benny (128)

Crowley (114)

Well. That tells a slightly different story, ahem. Enjoy the various tropes that will be applied, Dean! And then we get:

No:

Amelia (245)

Kevin (223)

Gabriel (217)

Comparing to the Sam 'no' above -- these three are slightly more 'traditional' Sam ships, though the wincest shippers are nevertheless not into them for Sam, either. Dean literally never spoke to or saw Amelia on screen, so it'd be a determined shipper who'd make that happen. Not undoable, though!

Conclusion

Syke: there isn't one to be made. This really shows how diverse the taste is in the wincest community, or at least in the wincest community that a) happened to see this survey over the last five days and b) bothered to take it. This particular group leans slightly toward e.g. toppy Sam, or slightly toward switching, but when you look at raw numbers what you see is that at least one person LOVES every single one of these things, and at least one person fucking HATES every single one of these things, and so -- so what? Write what you want. If you see a niche of something that you love where you feel like not enough people are writing or reading, try to fill it. If you're worried "no one" will like it, well -- you're wrong. Someone will. It just needs to get seen by the right people.

That's where fandom comes in, to spread the love even if something isn't bulletproof for us -- reblogging a post to say, 'hey, my mutual made this thing, look at it!' What a joy it'd be if someone saw it and loved it to absolute shattering bits, and then found their little bulletproof community, and happiness was made. What's the point, if we're not making each other happy.

Thanks for participating if you did, and reading all this if you did. Here's a link to a google sheet (read only) with all the tables of raw data if you're interested. I'll post some of the more entertaining fill-in answers later.

s&d shipping survey results: November 1, 2023 - Google Sheets

[crabonfire]

Oh no! The [merc class] has been captured! An enemy team member is preparing for torture/interrogation... Right?

Maybe not!

"You know, I've told them dozens of times to give me clear orders. But today I've been ordered to, and I quote, "take good care of [class]". So that's exactly what I'm going to do."

And then they give the captive a massage/mani-pedi/tea party idk.

So yeah, mercs of TF2 being "taken good care of", except it's literal care (with exception of restraints, probably, since malicious compliance can only go so far and outright letting a captive go would be too much).

HAHAHAHAHAHHA I love this!!! s/o just like me fr!!!

Mercs who's..being taken care of by the enemy s/o.

warnings: this is silly!!! beware of the goof

characters: all mercs

note: this can be seen as platonic or romantic!!😎😎

♡Scout♡

•...what? what the hell?

• "is this some kinda joke or sum?" He says as you pour him a cup of tea, still tied up.

"Are you questioning my tea pouring abilities? I'm pretty good okay! I've been practicing you know?"

"...what?"

"Oh were you not...talking about the tea?"

"fuck no??"

• he's not really complaining? Just?? Angrily confused and pleasantly surprised at the same time???

• he saw how tough you can be on the battlefield so when you just sit him down on a tiny table with an authentic Chinese tea set, with plates of cookies and cake he's...what?

He honestly thinks it's kinda nice how your actually not gonna torture him (again why would he complain) but...goddamn. okay.

♡Pyro♡

• LETS GOOOOOOOO

• "do you want more tea?"

"MmMPH!! mmmph mmhhuhhd mmhhh :)" ( yes!! more sugar please :) )

"got it."

• You both get along great. Trust that he will openly get himself kidnapped if it meant that you'd be his friend.

"Hey wait-they get back in 4 hours...you...wanna paint each others nails?"

"MMMMHHH!?!?!?! mmh mmhhy mmhd." (YESSS?!?! oh my god.)

• painting each others nails (on his gloves because he wants his gloves to be pretty) and just gossiping about each others teams. it's nice. he got a new person to ramble to!!

"Dude oh my god our scout is so ANNOYINGGGG"

"mmhmm mmhhhd mmh mmhds...mmhhs mh mmmhd." (You should see ours...he's a dick.)

♡Soldier♡

• he feels embarrassed and disappointed. (if you read the comics you know why)

• he's just quiet the entire time, angry and confused on why he's not being roughly tortured now. (he's definitely masochistic or something...not surprising!!! he loves the fight)

• "why aren't you drinking your tea?"

"I DONT WANT YOUR SCUMMY TEA! I DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO GIVE ME!"

"Suit yourself."

a couple minutes pass by, and he gives in and takes a sip. he does not like tea. you laugh and give him something else, and he ends up just accepting his fate.

• "what colour do you want your nails to be?"

"...RED...blue...and...white..?"

"Like the American flag?"

"YES!"

He calms down after a while and just rambles about his "war" stories to you.

Once he gets back to base completely unharmed with a newfound appreciation for the enemy team's [YOUR CLASS] and...American themed nails? He gets stared at by his co workers.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN AT? YOU WANT TO START A FIGHT BOY?"

"ACK-FUCK- no no-nothin...geez solly what happened to ya?"

He glares daggers at him through his helmet, and moves on with his day.

♡Demo♡

• oh. okay.

• all his worry just washes away as he sits down with you, getting his nails painted purple.

"Oh, you don't like tea? What do you like?"

"Ya got any scrumpy?"

"Huh, yeah actually. A ton, I'll get you a bottle."

"Thanks love, yer an angel."

• you really think he's gonna complain about it? Nah...free alcohol AND he gets his nails done? bro. he might take you out for dinner to repay your generosity tbh.

• you two just joke around and have some fun, he really likes you now. he will talk to you in the middle of battle and just casually flirt. (If your not interested he'll back off.)

♡Heavy♡

• thinks it's a trick but once he senses there is no ill intentions from you he's caved in.

• thinks it's pretty sweet, such a determined spirit in battle is so sweet and silly within closed doors.

• you two will exchange stories on each others personal lives, he will gladly ramble on about his family if you let him.

• has a newfound interest in you, you two don't fight much now during battles and just pass each other by, you two are like friends!!

♡Engie♡

• OK lmao

• yeah sure, has to do this with pyro daily so it's no different coming from the enemy team.

• "Sorry to bother you sugar, but my restrains are gettin' a little tight. Mind loosening them up a bit?"

"Oh totally, sorry man."

"S' alright, thank you for your hospitality."

• you two just sorta gossip about your teams, he has an insane amount of dirt on each of the mercenaries...

"No way, actually?"

"Yeah. You shoulda' seen the poor guys face when Soldier did that to him. Scout and Demoman were laughin' so hard I thought they were gonna choke!"

• you two probably spend too much time together that you've both forgotten that you were supposed to hold him captive, now his arm is around your shoulder, the two of you, slightly drunk and laughing crying to hilarious stories.

• he respects you as a person, and enjoys your company. Wouldn't mind being kidnapped again if it meant he'd spent it with you.

♡Medic♡

• he's laughing. Okay, sure, fine, better than torture.

• I genuinely don't know what to say other than the fact I think the whole time he's just laughing due to how silly it is.

• comes back and rambles to heavy about how his kidnapping was literally just a free spa day, with white painted nails and the smell of tea radiated from him.

♡Sniper♡

• is this some kind of sick, fucked up joke?

• he'll actually be kinda mad, like all this trouble just for you to drink tea with him? Fuck off

• "Mate, when I get outta these restraints I'm gonna show you why you shouldn't fuck with me."

"...dude what? chillax dawg I'm literally making us tea."

"Bloody hell."

• he gives in...after an hour or so.

• sighing, "just pick a random color, don't make it bright." He says, as your pulling our your nail polish. "You got it boss." You smile, taking out a muddy green color that fits him quite well.

• he's just ranting the entire time honestly it's like a therapy session

♡Spy♡

• finds this amusing and will play along.

• "Your tea set has quite an exquisite color, it's one I have yet seen on any tea sets."

"Yeah! Got this off of a bidding, she's a real beauty."

He snickers, "Indeed she is. May I have another cup?"

"Of course my good man."

• it's like he's role-playing with somebody he finds it cute!!

• he will not say much, but he will listen. He will not let you do his nails, but he will do them for you instead. flirting, trying to woo you.

"You have the prettiest hands, I cannot believe these are the hands that have stolen my lives, time and time again. You are full of surprises, aren't you?"

"Aw man, you charmer. Your just saying that."

"No, I am simply stating the truth. You are quite the interesting character."

• bro got that victim rizz (he got kidnapped so technically)

Hi...I'm back...sortve. um. Yeah. Sup brooo

[fappellmoan]

ok um i am going to vent on something as someone with an outside perspective and people are going to be normal about that right. okay lol. im sick of hearing about taylor swift <3 as compared to a few years ago even she is like... suffocating. and i feel like we never advance this conversation because on one hand we have people who swing into full misogyny when talking about her, and on the other we have people who won't admit that she blatantly uses feminism to deflect from her problematic behaviors, or at least they won't like, do anything about it, and in this way she sort of ends up misleading a lot of young girls into like. girlboss liberal white feminism. im not saying shes a supervillain for it but you can't deny the ramifications of what she does and doesn't speak up about, just given the absolutely massive platform she has. she is the biggest pop star in the world

for the record, i don't expect taylor to be like. a normal person. she was very famous from a very young age and people aren't normal about teen/adolescent stars, especially when they're girls and women. she had her personal drama aired out in front of the world, had so much misogynistic dialogue surrounding her, from demeaning her success to interrogating her dating life (and never holding the pedos who preyed on her at a young age to any sort of standard!) and for many years people weren't very critical of that. it was normalized to be trashing this young girl's name and saying vile shit about her to like the entire nation and i dont blame her for being like, a little off after that. and yeah i also don’t think we should look to celebrities as our end all be all of activism and opinions on sociopolitical issues

but we've gone full swing into like. she is so famous and so big that her actions can be harmful and she does these things anyway because she doesn't expect her fanbase to hold her accountable, lest they be acting like the very sexists who tried to ruin her career. at least i imagine that's what the thought process is like, at least at some level, but at this point it's just like. this woman makes so much money. so much money it's ridiculous. idk how y'all fathomed paying so much for concert tickets but like i'll give props that they at least seemed to have some insane production/theatrics... so like alright. there's that.

but she is reselling the same songs. sometimes that don't sound that good. and making more money off that. yes yes to 'officially own them' and whatever. and releasing vault tracks and other versions of albums with different songs on them. but never all the same bc u need to collect them all. and the thing is some of them are like kinda bad. but you listen to them anyway because we live in a time of overconsumption/consumerism in late capitalism and it's like trendy and fun to be able to tell what song of hers is playing in the first millisecond. sorry or just your personal attachment to her. and don't say it's embarrassing to be a taylor swift fan these days she's like. so huge. and some of you equate embarrassment with having to hear criticism toward her. which might not be as common if swifties idk stepped it up and actually expected something from her?

which i guess is getting me to my main point here. can you imagine like. what would happen if taylor swift actually said anything about palestine? or anything of value in the world right now? no one's asking her to be a fucking scholar on it but genuinely sorry there’s like a genocide. several. the most documented real time genocide of our time i don’t care if it makes you upset that people expect something from her. she is time's person of the year. she has everyone from young girls to lesbians to gay men to bored football wives to dads to well fucking etc you get the point tuned in. she has dabbled in so many different spaces done so many collaborations aligned herself with so many entities who can keep up? if she, as massive as she is right now, posted something as simple as 'free palestine' or called for a ceasefire, can you imagine what would happen? i can’t help but think about it when day in and day out my feed is filled with screaming people being pulled from rubble or having their limbs amputated.

but she won't, because, quite frankly, what does she have to gain from it? she’s teaming up with the nfl right now to make some more money, she's gotta have at least like 4 new albums recorded in the last two years and at least um what three more that you're expecting? and she doesn't even have to like? write new music really? (edit: oh boy!) why the fuck would she be doing anything with her time other than poisoning the planet with jet fuel to visit her pr boyfriend?

taylor swift is never gonna be punk or what the hell ever beyond like a white liberal-at-best moderate woman. but if any of you could talk to each other and talk about, like, organizing in ways that it would be impossible for her to continue to ignore these situations, and just keep playing her tour FILM (how could i forget) in israel and etc, like if you could flood her socials or do a mass movement (and it would be massive given the sheer amount of peoples' top artists she's in) of not listening/buying/interacting with her stuff, until her agents and whatever had to make some sort of statement? like that's the only chance we've got with her

i'm not saying don’t be her fan, or listen to her music, or have an attachment, etc, but she's been around enough vile, anti-feminist, racist things this past year that y'all DO need to hold her accountable. like way more than you do. or it's going to be like really difficult to. tolerate it. haha. like you SHOULD be vocally and loudly disapproving of her actions when it causes a lot of damage overall. speaking up about her insane climate irresponsibility when we're having the hottest years on record is not the same as the people who felt the need to like pick apart her dating life on the news. but can we talk about how she's officially like. circled back and now is purposefully making news about her dating life? for her personal gain and that of the fucking nfl? lol. in a way it is funny for her to ‘take that power back’ in a way, of her image, and i think that’s how some people might view it, but like on the other hand she obviously is gaining a lot from this. you know. a lot of actual money. she is going to profit off this image of her being misunderstood etc for as long as u guys allow it and well i just think that has run its course. yk

continuing into 2024 (edit: and now with the release of a new album!) i don't want to see swifties automatically exonerating themselves from difficult conversations because like they feel like their fave has faced enough unwarranted criticism. or bc other people should also be criticized. much of it is warranted! and you guys need to grow up and be able to talk about it and stop painting taylor swift's face as like the Pinnacle of feminism. she doesn't and shouldn't have to be, and she isn't, and she should in fact be held accountable when she does really fucking shitty things on account of they're shitty! i don't care that she's a woman! it's like that meme of oh yay a woman democrat sent these missiles. oh yay a woman is massively damaging the planet and proudly dated a violent misogynistic racist, and faced minimum criticism for these things over and over because your only comeback is ‘well what about’ if a man did the same thing, etc, you refuse to just look at the situation we do have. yes we should. we should do that we should hold men accountable but you can also like not accept awful fucking behavior from your faves when you have a chance. do you think that’s helping feminism genuinely. use your voice use your power (your money) to like. do something for once. i cannot keep living in the taylor swift echo chamber.

and for the record. i like enjoyed taylor like back when i was a young girl and she had a few songs on the radio, and i honestly even had a moment where i used guys' opinions on her as a first step to navigate who i felt safe around in a very hypermasculine sexist college space. because yes. some people do need feminism 101 and some people's genuinely misogynistic rage will be demonstrated in their hatred of taylor and her success. but at some point we gotta move on from that. if some people will look at the most powerful woman in the world, who has enough money to stay away from them and an extremely massive loyal fanbase watching and supporting her every move - if some men take out their hatred on her, a powerful white woman, how do you think they view and treat women who are not white, thin, "conventionally"/eurocentrically attractive, or accessible to cis/het audiences?

anyway i hope that i can bring a conversation to the swiftieverse cause i honestly believe u guys could have comparable impact to like. bts stans. maybe. if you put your minds together for a good cause. and we don’t have to do the oppression olympics or whataboutisms or WHATEVER for forever. can we please move the conversation forward does anyone else feel insane with like where we’re at

on that note, i really do think now is the perfect moment for you to disrupt shit with your voices and demand better from her. it might not save the world, but it could make a huge difference in changing peoples' minds

okay um. thanks 👍

tldr i can’t do another year of swiftie discourse i just can’t please if there is a god out there help us

[maryberry]

Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros thoughts and things

‼️spoiler free‼️

WOW...Literally breezed through this book, I couldn't put it down. I thought it was a great continuation of the story and characters. I did think it was a bit slow at times, and could have been about 100 pages shorter but all in all, so pleased with this book.

I give it an 8/10

‼️‼️‼️‼️SPOILERS NOW LOOK AWAY‼️‼️‼️‼️

Okay here we go ...

I really loved Violet and Xaden in this book, which is amazing because I was scared of if I would get annoyed or anything from how much I liked them in the 1st book. I really love how this book showed just how intimate their relationship is. I loved how even when they weren't "together" we got some really beautiful scenes of them just being so comfortable in eachothers presence. Like them laying in the bed at Samara. With that being said, I think there was a lot of time spent on the same argument over and over, which started to feel like it was dragging on a bit long. They started the same conversation about Xaden keeping secrets like 10 times and got interrupted like 8 of those times lol. Other than that, love their relationship.

I really like that Violet started to get more of a grip on her power and was able to control it more. I loved seeing her get more confident.

I have a theory that she can maybe speak to the dead? Idk we only had that one incident while she was being interrogated and Liam showed up. But idk, that whole thing felt very specific and fishy for it to just be a hallucination. So maybe it's Andarna channeling? I'm not sure 🤷‍♀️ I also have this thought though, it's more out there, that Tarins previous rider was Violet and maybe Brennan and Miras, biological father? Because that could explain why he died for Brennan and maybe why Violet had a second signet if she does.

I really didn't guess Andarnas history and I'm excited to learn more about this 7th type of dragon. Cause like, were they wiped out? Did they leave? Why only leave one hatchling? So many questions.

XADEN wtf are you doing, my sweet, sweet child. First of all, I guessed that he's an intrinsic(however it's spelled) after reading the first one. But I thought Tarin knew, which he did not.

Obviously, it's not good that Xaden is now turning into a Venin but I think that plot line has potential to be super interesting. We really got to see that xaden would damn the rest of the world to save Violet, and this could open up a door for her to do the same. I would LOVE to see Violet go a little dark and to some extreme lengths to save him.

I definitely feel like I want to know more about the dragons and how their hierarchy and bonds with eachother work. I want to know more about Tarin and Sgyaels bond and if it's similar to the human emotion of love or if it's about power? Loved the scene of Violet and Tarin thinking something happened to X and S and Violet was overcome with protectivness and stuff(you know what other stuff 🥵🥵)

Loved that we got more bonding of Violet and her squad. I feel like I actually care about them now where as at the end of book one, I didn't really that much. Also, love Sawyer and Jesenia, I hope she helps him heel and they live happily ever after lol.

Brennan was a bit underwhelming for me. As of rn I wouldn't mind if he died lol.

Overall Im so excited for book three. I'm sure I'll think of more things to add but I'd love to hear everybody else's thoughts!!

[fraternum-momentum]

killing stalking ramble belowww

!! tws for mentions of sa/rape, murder, abuse, etc. !!

(REALLY REALLY long, around 2k~ words. just be warned. also tmi in some parts.)

THIS IS NOT AN ANALYSIS !!!!! it def gets analytical in some parts, but i feel like i would need to reread ks a couple of times for me to feel confident enough to do a full blown analysis for it. these are just my thoughts that i want to get out of my head. really rambly for the most part, and separated into sections mostly for my convenience buy also to get my thoughts a little more organized.

what do i think about it?

it's great ! i really love the more thriller-ey aspects of it, esp when seungbae was investigating the whole thing. how he's trying to piece together everything and switching in between pov's was so so cool. love love love how extremely tense everything is, like ooo is he gonna get caught? is he gonna get killed?

ACAB but seungbae is the only police officer i'll salute to 🫡 (bc he's not real LMFAO)(and also he hates the police despite being one so)

season 1 is a great intro and it rlly gets u hooked, rlly went in super hard with the whole torture stuff. came in guns blazing n stuff. rlly rlly intense. the whole thing with jieun is just so sad man,,,,,,, like she was rude and all and she was an kind of an asshole to bum but i don't think she deserves to die over that 😭,,,,

there's also already a lot of foreshadowing and future callbacks planted into it. it makes me wonder how much planning went into the story :0 !! even early on it's pretty clear that sangwoo sees his mum in yoonbum, that's why he kept taking care of him after abusing him. he said ‘i love you’ out of the blue and bum thought he was talking to him and sangwoo replied ‘i was talking to my mom’. i mean, it's literally spelled out by the author in one of the qna's. i will be amazed if u didn't catch that somehow.

anyw season 2 is my fav because of reasons stated above. the tension is rlly great. when seungbae finally trespassed which led to the confrontation at the basement scene to when they were doing the interrogation was rlly rlly good. it shows how competent of a manipulator and a quick thinker sangwoo is. throughout it my heart was beating so fast i was so nervous JQHSHQ

seungbae rlly tried to pull through but unfortunately the people didn't believe him so woo and bum got away SCOT FREE,,,,,,, which caused seungbae to lash out on woo, then got laid off. DUDEEE i was so saddddddd, i mean i saw there were like 40 eps left so i knew he wasnt going to succeed but STILLLL i was cheering for him ykkk?

ep 34.

kinda tmi and i hope to fucking god it's not weird or anything but i can see myself in yoonbum.

LISTEN ok. not like the perverted stalker aspects. more of the whole jwhhr fuckk idk how to describe it without sounding pathetic or whatever but a while ago my brother and i had a talk about being careful with people bc of how bad my whole self esteem is and how easily i would be to manipulate and just how depressing my whole demeanor was or whatever and this scene in ep 34 where yoonbum was being interrogated by seungbae kind of left me a deep impression on me

i've def have asked myself something similar to this, idk maybe had talked to someone abt it when i was drunk as shit. but it i kind of started wondering if i would do that in his position. if i don't get any better, could i end up like him? eeeeeqjdb idkk its something i don't want to dwell on much but it's been at the back of my head ever since. i don't know. it's scary.

season 3 is more focused on characterization and developing the "relationship" between bum and woo. vv sangwoo centric. it deals with his past trauma and how it affected him. seeing how his childhood was initially and then the eventual reveal as to what really was happening in those scenes was so good. kind of shows how you never truly know what's happening behind closed doors. and it shows the extent of the abuse, how unstable his mother was, and how emotionally manipulative she was to sangwoo when he was a kid. then her eventual death in which she managed to gaslight him into thinking he killed her. at least, i think its implied that she drove the knife into her neck. and now, even when she's gone, her presence lingers and haunts him. quite literally too because its eventually revealed that her corpse was INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE.

i love how the dynamic turned from a dependency to a codependency. it's like watching a fire slowly spiral out and it becoming an huge shitstorm. it's interesting seeing that sangwoo needs bum too. right after he accidentally called bum 'mom' while they were having sex, that's probably the lowest he's been in, even begging yoonbum to not go and stay with him at home bc he's been so paranoid lately. even now i'm still not sure if bum was actually fucking the girl or if it was all a figment of woo's hallucinations.

there's a lot of particular scenes that i want to dedicate a small paragraph to but i don't want to make this longer that it alr is qkdh they're not anything life changing plus the implications are p clear anyway so,,

ending is insane. at first, i was kind of glad that bum seemed to be healing. like he was getting therapy, there was a person who was taking care of him, seungbae seems to be monitoring him regularly. i mean, he was still paranoid and stuff about being caught as an acomplice but he was fine for the most part. well, at least that was i thought until he started asking where sangwoo was and i kinda went oh no,,,

idkkkkk is it bad that i kind of felt bad for bum when he didn't get to see sangwoo for the last time? i mean, i want him to just move on with everything and heal but it was pretty clear he was still vv attached to woo so idkkkkk?? maybe its just me needing to have some closure or something? i was so sad that yoonbum didn't even get the chance to be truly happy in his life. even in his happiest moments with sangwoo, it was all just a skewed perception of love.

yk even if seungbae didn't go to woo's house one last time for that final confrontation, i feel like their codependent relationship would go to shit either way. but ahh,,,,,, bum deserved so much better,,,

seungbae my goat 🫡

small part abt him bc he's my fav

seungbae is interesting,,,, bc he def has violent tendencies much like sangwoo. i.e. lashing out at woo, wacking a guy out with a scanner (who, luckily, turned out to be a wanted criminal), hitting the guy who killed his father with a the golf club, dreaming and fantasizing about violently killing that said murderer multiple times, and probably more that i can't remember.. maybe a ‘two sides of the same coin’ kind of situation??? idkk

there's literally a part where seungbae said so himself that he and sangwoo were similar, immediately following it by saying that it was a dangerous thought. i think having a stable figure in his life (chief officer) helped him a lot. if he didn't have him, i feel like he could've easily ended up like sangwoo. all around green flag tho :3

my complicated feelings abt it:

idkkkkkkkkkkkkk like this is a thriller and it depicts a clearly abusive relationship but the fact that it feels so fanservicey to me feels so wrong to me ???????? like shit. i only started reading it bc i thought 'oh wasn't this bl or something? i don't remember lol. but sangwoo was hot, i should go read it' and proceeded to get my ass blasted with this is absolutely insane.

ok i'm gonna be completely honest i've always hated fanservice, so it's a completely biased take from me. like idkk it ruins the vibe of a scene. can't a good show just be a good show without all the panty shots and the weird ass angles?????? like okay, yeah, i literally draw porn but that doesnt mean i want porn/sexual in everything all the time.

like i get it. the sexual aspect of this is a necessary and integral thing. it's clearly there to depict that there's an imbalance of power. how sangwoo being on top feels more in control whereas when he's in a position of submission he gets angry or scared (a trauma response) and it's another aspect of abuse that a lot of characters experienced and it's all shown. but i think my issue is, when its with woo and bum there's like certain part to it where i'm just kinda like,,,,, you know that feeling when you feel like a sex scene in a movie is kind of going on for way too long? and ur just sitting there mildly uncomfortable by it and aughggyvh idkkk its weird,,,,,,, like should i keep watching or is this integral to the story???? am i going to miss any details or something anyone would say ?? and idk???????? like when bum or woo was sa'ed by adults they didn't depict it in such a,,,,,,, romantic?? light???? i'm not sure what to say but i feel like there's a difference in ambience and pacing and shit in a bunch of the scenes esp in season 3 but i guess it's bc they're in a 'relationship' ?????? idkk

in a way i can understand why they would present it like that ??? i'm probably reaching, but maybe it's to directly put the viewer in yoonbum's shoes and kind of see how sangwoo manipulates bum? like we as the viewer become victims ourselves of sangwoo's charms ????? maybe that's why it was psrticularly uncomfortable for me ??????????? dude idk,,,,

but like,, i've played btd/tpof before but i don't seem to have any problems with it, and that's literally torture porn or whatever but for some reason i draw the line at this apparently ????????

and i’ve thought about this really hard bc it was driving me nuts as to what the difference was. but maybe its bc it's kind of romanticizing it ??????????????? tbh i'm still not entirely sure. eh whatever i don't want to make it a big problem.

oh but fray, you draw noncon, dubcon, and gore ! arent you fetishizing it as well ? how is that any different ?

(this part is kind of tmi too) i think there's a fundamental difference between what i'm doing and having a cnc kink and depicting actual sa in a story.

no one is saying sa is not bad. for some people it's how they deal with the trauma they endured and for others its simply just a fantasy. cnc, in a real life setting, both parties are consenting and recognize that it's all just roleplay, if anything is out of the line you can opt out of it with a safeword and it's CRUCIAL that this safe word is respected. in a game like for example, dol, you can manipulate it into however you like. there's also cheats where you can just remove encounters altogether irrc. you're the one in control of the narrative.

i've had rape fantasies before (i play dol, don't be so surprised) but that doesn't mean i want to be fucking assaulted when i go out at night. and idk maybe like in ks it depicts all the gruesome and tragic parts of being abused, whether it be emotionally, sexually, physically, etc. and that's why it feels wrong framing it in that manner ????

idk my views about it aren't completely black and white. dude idfk i'm not an expert in anything. at the end of the day i'm just some random person who read killing stalking and just has some thoughts about it. anyw that's all 👍

[biggerbetterbat]

WITH YOU [24] SORRY, BROTHER

Daryl Dixon x OC!Charlie Reed

Summary: Charlie finds out that one person know about her secret. The group has to decide what to do with Randall. A tragedy happens.

Warnings: language, character's death, blood, animals death, agnst

Song: idk IF YOU HAVE AN IDEA FOR THE SONG HIT ME UP

A/N: Hello ;) Update: I love making edits. Thank you for your activity here, I love getting notifications from you. Only two chapters to end the Act!!!! As usual I hope you like the chapter!

"Boy there's got a gang, 30 men," said Daryl as he appeared near the fire as he was done talking with Randall. "They have heavy artillery and they ain't looking to make friends. They roll through here, our boys are dead. And our women, they're gonna...they're gonna wish they were."

Charlie looked down at his hands which were covered in blood and bruised. Carol seemed to see the same as she asked. "What did you do?"

"Had a little chat." he shrugged and threw Charlie a look as he was passing her.

"No one goes near this guy," Rick said out loud.

"Rick, what are you gonna do?" Lori asked.

"We have no choice." he shook his head. "He's a threat. We have to eliminate the threat."

"You're just gonna kill him?" Dale asked terrified as he heard those words.

"It's settled." Rick ignored him. "I'll do it today."

He was sitting away from everyone, pouring water on his hands, to clean them from blood. It was visible that he was in pain, but he tried everything so his face wouldn't show this. Charlie sighed at his stubbornness to ask Hershel for painkillers or something, so she did that."Let me help you."

"I don't want your help," he said.

"I didn't ask." she rolled her eyes. "Give me your hand."Daryl was looking at her like a scared kitten that got stuck in a tree, so she reached for his wrist and brought it closer to her. "Why you're so stubborn."

"Because I can handle it."

Charlie opened a bottle with disinfection liquid and he was ready to feel the painful pinching, but it never came. She poured some liquid on the cloth and delicately placed it on the wound. As soon as she picked the cloth she brought his hand closer to her lips, blowing cool air on it.

"You're good with this," Daryl said, examining her face. "Let me guess...one of your brothers?" he said as she was opening her mouth.

"Will," she said. "He had a bad temper and always was in the middle of the fight. Then Zac was trying to help him and usually ended up just like you. With his hands all in blood," she explained. "You did something like this?"

By this, she meant interrogating or rather torturing Randall.

"No," he answered. "It's my first time. But I saw people do this."

She looked at him.

"My brother had many friends."

"And they taught you how to open a beer with a shoelace?" Charlie smiled.

Daryl smirked and shook his head. "They taught me many things."

The weather was strange that day. When the sun was hidden behind the clouds it was cold, but as soon as it showed up again the heat was hard to bear. Charlie was walking towards the house to drop off a bag with equipment she used on Daryl's hands. She felt a smile creeping up her face at the thought of the man. He was acting like a puppy that was kicked out of the house, so now it was hard for him to trust others.

"Charlie," Dale called her name when she was passing the RV by.

She sighed because she knew why he wanted to talk with her. "It's not up to me, Dale."

"But if we gather more people it will be up to us," said Dale.

"And what's your reason?"

"A reason?" he opened his eyes wider not believing that she even asked for a reason to save someone's life.

"Well, Rick said he's a threat. And Daryl just confirmed this," she answered.

"He's a young man, Charlie. We can make him a part of our group just like we did to you." he reasoned.

"Woah, woah. Stop your horse." she gasped and stopped her steps. "I had one gun without any bullet and five knives, not 30 men ready to kill you."

"Think about your brothers!" he called after her, making her stop in her tracks. "You would like them to have a chance!"

"My brothers are dead," she said. "And they were good people. They wouldn't join some assholes like him."

"You can be a good person and make mistakes," he said and looked her in the eyes. "You're a good person, but made some mistakes, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said and turned away.

Dale followed her. "Irma, my wife, was a fan of this one breakfast TV, where she was watching this lovely and sweet girl."

Charlie once again stopped in her tracks but didn't look at him. Her heart stopped beating.

"She was sick, so she had a lot of time to scroll through the channels, and one morning she found you. She started calling you her daughter as she fell for your warm smile and kind eyes," he said.

She looked at him, expecting what he could tell her.

"Sometime before her death, she wrote a letter for you. But it was sent back, not opened." he said."After she died I wanted to meet you and talk with you. That's what my wife would like. It was her dream." he said. "In the meantime, the virus happened and I saw you inviting people to the refuge center, that was my chance." he smiled at the memory. "But it wasn't safe like you said. I barely made it out alive. You lied."

She tightened her lips."I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You lied to people. Lead them to death," he said. "But you're not a bad person. You had your reasons."

"Randall can lead us to death just like I did back in Atlanta," she said finally admitting what Dale accused her of. There was no point in acting like she had no idea what he was talking about. Dale knew.

"But we can change that!" he said. "You can redeem yourself for lying."

"Listen," she closed her eyes. "I did what I did, it's done. My punishment is living with this and you don't have to remind me of any of that," she said firmly. "You say Randall is my redemption? I say all of you are. I'm trying to help you all, so we can all survive. That's my redemption. Caring for people that I consider friends. Not some random guy that can get us all killed. That's my redemption!" she said. "And I did get the letter from your wife. But I just didn't feel like responding. See? I'm not a good person. Just like Randall isn't one. So maybe instead of convincing everyone, you should try just open your eyes."

At sunset, everyone gathered in Hershel's living room to decide what to do with their prisoner. It wasn't the most comfortable situation, because being the one to decide whether someone should live or die was cruel. Randall was probably terrified in that shed, all alone, in fear of what they could do to him or if walkers were somewhere around.

"How's your hand?" Charlie whispered to Daryl, as she stood next to him.

"Hurt like a bitch." he said. "I'll live. Don't worry."

She smiled and looked around the room, checking if everyone's present already. "So how do we do this? Just take a vote?" Charlie asked when the silence was killing her.

"Does it have to be unanimous?" Andrea asked nodding her head.

"How about majority rules?" Lori said.

"Well, let's just see where everybody stands, then we can talk through the options," Rick answered.

"Well, where I sit, there's only one way to move forward," said Shane in a firm voice.

"Killing him. Right?" Dale snapped. "I mean, why even bother to take a vote? It's clear which way the wind's blowing.

"Well, if people believe we should spare him," said Rick. "I wanna know."

"Well, I can tell you, it's a small group...maybe just me, Glenn, and Charlie," Dale said looking at the mentioned people.

"Look, I..." Glenn looked down and then at the old man. "I think you're pretty much right about everything all the time, but this..."

"They've got you scared!" the old man interrupted. "Charlie?"

"He's not one of us," said Charlie. "And we've...we've lost too many people already."

Dale opened his eyes even wider in disbelief, turning his attention to Maggie. "How about you? Do you agree with this?"

"Couldn't we continue keeping him prisoner?" she asked Rick with furrowed eyebrows.

"Just another mouth to feed."

"It may be a lean winter." Hershel nodded.

"We could ration better." reasoned Lori.

"Well, he could be an asset." Dale tried to make a point. "Give him a chance to prove himself."

"Put him to work?"

"We're not letting him walk around."

"We could put an escort on him." "Who wants to volunteer for that duty?"

"I will," Dale said immediately.

"I don't think any of us should be walking around with this guy," Rick said.

"He's right."

"I wouldn't feel safe unless he was tied up," said Lori.

"We can't exactly put chains around his ankles, sentence him to hard labor." Andrea rolled her eyes.

"Look, say we let him join us, right? Maybe he's helpful, maybe he's nice," said Shane. "We let our guard down and maybe he runs off, brings back his 30 men."

"So the answer is to kill him to prevent a crime that he may never even attempt?!" Dale gasped. "If we do this, we're saying there's no hope. The rule of law is dead. There's no civilization."

"Oh, my God," Shane said in awe.

"Could you drive him further out?" "Leave him like you planned?"

"You barely came back this time." Lori protested. "There are walkers. You could break it down. You could get lost."

"Or get ambushed," Daryl added.

"They're right." Rick nodded. "We should not put our own people at risk."

"If you go through with it, how would you do it?" Carol asked. "Would he suffer?"

"We could hang him, right?" Shane looked at Rick. "Just snap his neck."

"I thought about that." Grimes nodded. "Shooting may be more humane."

"And what about the body? Do we bury him?" T-Dog wondered.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on." Dale raised his arms. "You're talking about this like it's already decided."

"You've been talking all day, going around in circles," Daryl answered to Dale in annoyance. "You just wanna go around in circles again?"

"This is a young man's life, and it is worth more than a five-minute conversation!" he snapped. "Is this what it's come to? We kill someone because we can't decide what else to do with him? You saved him and now look at us. He's been tortured. He's gonna be executed. How are we any better than those people that we're so afraid of?"

"We all know what needs to be done."

"No, Dale is right," Rick said. "We can't leave any stone unturned here. We have a responsibility..."

"So what's the other solution?" Andrea asked, interrupting Rick.

"Let Rick finish," Lori said.

"I'm so done with this conversation," Charlie muttered under her nose and Daryl looked at her with a nod.

"We haven't come up with a single viable option yet. I wish we could." Rick said.

"So let's work on it!" Dale tried to convince them.

"We are!"

"Stop it. Just stop it." Carol silenced everyone. "I'm sick of everybody arguing and fighting I didn't ask for this."

"Yeah. I agree with Carol." Charlie said. "You can't ask us to decide something like this.

"Please decide...either of you, both of you...but leave me out." Carol nodded.

"Not speaking out or killing him yourself, there's no difference." the old man said.

Charlie opened her eyes wider at his accusation and opened her mouth wider.

"All right, that's enough," she said to Dale and was ready to throw hands- at least that's what Daryl thought, he was afraid that she would actually punch the old man so he held her by her wrist.

"Anybody that wants the floor before we make a final decision has the chance," Rick said, looking around.

"You once said that we don't kill the living," Dale said.

"Well, that was before the living tried to kill us."

"But don't you see? If we do this, the people that we were...the world that we knew is dead." the old man said. "And this new world is ugly. It's...harsh. It's...it's survival of the fittest. And that's a world I don't wanna live in, and I don't believe that any of you do. I can't. Please. Let's just do what's right. Isn't there anybody else who's gonna stand with me?"

"He's right." Andrea finally gave in. "We should try to find another way."

"Anybody else?" Rick asked and looked at Charlie.

"I'm with Carol," said Charlie, shrugging her shoulders. "Whatever she decides, there's where my vote is."

"Are y'all gonna watch too?" Dale asked sarcastically. "No, you'll go hide your heads in your tents and try to forget that we're slaughtering a human being. I won't be a part of it," he said and as he passed Daryl, he placed a hand on his arm. "This group is broken."

When Rick was back with Carl, she knew the kid made trouble. They didn't hear a shot, so obviously something went wrong...and obviously that something happened because of Carl. She just knew. The look in Rick's eyes that was showing worry and his grip on the kid made it completely clear. Then he said that Randall would be in custody, which confirmed that something changed his mind. Shane was clearly angry about this, but he just passed everyone and sat down by the fire.

Andrea on the other hand was very happy and wanted to find Dale to share the happy news. Charlie offered her to help with finding him, so it would be quicker.

Was she happy that they didn't kill Randall? She didn't mind, because his life didn't mean anything to her. She didn't even talk with him and she had to worry about her people. But to Dale, it was a big deal, so she was determined to find him...and apologize for not backing him up back in the house...and maybe, just maybe, try to convince him to keep his mouth shut about what she did. Charlie saw him walking through the fields with his gun on the back. "Dale! Dale wait!"

"Why?!" he yelled. "So you can tell me all the details of the execution? No thank you," he said and raised one of his arms, so she knew that he was passing the offer.

"Dale! Wait!" she yelled after him and started jogging towards him. It was hard due to the high grass and he was much ahead of her. She placed her foot on the ground after making a big step and immediately she felt that the grass was strange, more slippery. Charlie looked down and saw that she stepped in a puddle...a puddle of blood. Fear. That's how she felt when her eyes looked up and saw a cow or rather what was left of it. She didn't have a gun, the only weapon was her knife...and that just seemed not enough. "Dale, wait for me!"

He stopped, but not after her pleas, no. He stopped once he saw another dead cow. She looked down one more time at the guts that were falling out of the cow. Something that ate her must have been really hungry because the cow was almost all gone. Charlie looked up.

In that moment her heart stopped.

The man probably realized what was going on and his intention was to get them both away from the field. When he turned to call Charlie and voice his concerns he found himself face to face with a disgusting beast. Its face was still covered in cow's blood, but apparently, two animals weren't enough and it was starving to have Dale as a desert. "Charlie!"

But she was stuck. First of all, she had just her knife, and the Walker seemed more aggressive than normal. It was stronger and faster due to its dinner party before. She wanted to help that was out of the question, but at that particular moment, a thought ran through her brain. If Dale was dead, her secret would be safe, no one would know about her crimes and she wouldn't have to put herself in danger. But that thought was quickly followed by another thought. The exact same way of thinking created this whole mess. She wanted safety and she lied to everyone, she led hundreds of people to death for her own safety.

"DALE! No!" she yelled and started to run towards him."Help! HELP!"

 Dale was trying to hold it back, but the force the Walker was pushing onto him made both of them fall. The man let out a call that sounded like Charlie and tried to push away the Walker.

"HELP! HELP! HERE!" she was yelling.

When he heard her screams there was no hesitation. His body switched to the autopilot as he started running in the direction of her. All he had in mind was her and what was going on right now. His heart was biting hundred a mile and the fear was just making him run even faster.

"CHARLIE!" Daryl screamed.

Dixon was scared. Just three days ago they lost Sophia and they couldn't save her, so now that he was hearing Charlie's screams he knew that he had to do whatever it took to help her. Because he couldn't lose her.

The moment Charlie was right next to Dale, was the moment she saw a picture that made her freeze as panic was overflowing her body. She wanted to push the Walker away and kill him, but she had never seen anything like that in her life. The dead didn't bite Dale as it couldn't reach him, so it ripped him open. His insides were visible, guts falling out and blood just pouring from him like from a cup. She was frozen once again. Charlie wanted to move, but just couldn't. That could have been her instead of Dale.

Strong tackle made the Walker fall from Dale and a smooth hit in the head killed it for good."Help! Over here! Help! Run!" Daryl waved to the others. "Charlie don't look!"

But she couldn't, she was so scared that she couldn't make herself turn away. Dale was dying because of her.

"Oh, my God. Oh, God. Alright just listen to my voice. Listen to me, all right?" Rick said as he kneeled next to Dale. "Okay, hold on now. Get Hershel! He needs blood. We got to operate now!"

There were more and more people coming to the scene, they were gasping and sobbing as they realized what happened. Andrea dropped to her knees and started crying. Sobbs were mixing in the air with Dale's whimpers.

"What happened?" asked Hershel when he finally arrived.

"I tried to warn him. I was running so fast, but I couldn't make it. When I was here he was already..." Charlie tried to tell everyone what happened.

"What can we do?" Rick interrupted her.

"Dale, it's gonna be okay." Glenn tried to assure the man.

"Can we move him?" Rick asked.

"He won't make the trip." Hershel shook his head.

"You have to do the operation here," Charlie demanded through the tears.

"Glenn get back to the house." Rick nodded and was ready to command everyone, but when he saw Hershel's face that was just screaming that there was nothing they could do, he screamed. "NO!"

"He's suffering," Charlie said.

"Do something!" Andrea demanded.

Daryl turned Charlie's shaking body, so it was facing back to Dale. Her head was still turning towards the man, so Daryl just hugged her tight to his body and whispered in her ear. "Don't look."

She hugged him back and her body was convulsing in sobs. She just couldn't stop crying, because she couldn't save Dale, if only she was faster. One of his hands was holding her neck to prevent it from turning and he tangled his fingers in her braided hair.

"Sorry brother," said Daryl.

Gunshot.

previous masterlist next

[skydigiblogs]

Digimon and Disability

Realizing I can't think of any Digidestined characters from any anime that are implied or stated to be physically disabled. Might just be me not remembering right, but idk? I know the series explores a lot of psychological topics, but I just can't really think of a character who deals with a chronic physical condition while the screen is on them.

The reason I'm thinking about this is because I want to design a cane you could imagine seeing in the Digital World (as a person who uses mobility aids, I kind of want to draw my sona with a cane sometimes), and, like... the closest I can think of in terms of a main character with disabilities is Hikari/Kari.

I haven't gotten to the Dark Master arc yet, but I know her getting severely ill was a huge plot point, and it's also heavily implied that she missed out on the first trip to the Digital World because of a cold (which is reasonable, even if you aren't disabled and deal with difficult periods of illness). At the same time, though I know that she gets used as a mouthpiece for the light when she's ill in Machinedramon's city, so??? I'm not sure what to think of that.

I also can't really say if that's backed up in 02 or other sequels because I just don't remember them that well at the moment.

The only other anime character coming to mind with a confirmed disabling condition is Thoma/Thomas's sister in Savers, but what I do remember doesn't instill me with confidence in the treatment of her character as a person with a disability. I'm sure I'll have more to think about in terms of her when I get to that part of Savers.

And the only example of Digimon I can think of are, like, Jijimon and Babamon, and that's only because they have walking sticks they use to whack shit with. Which like... ehhhhh. We'd really be putting the bar on the floor if we counted those two as disability rep, I think.

I also guess that Erika in Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth: Hacker's Memory counts but... I also don't know how to feel about that one as disability rep. Between her, Thoma's sister, and even Kari, their respective illnesses (regardless of how chronic they are) always seem to end up with emotionally constipated older brothers who feel obligated to "protect" their "weaker" sibling.

I at least like Erika as a character, and I do think CS:HM does a little bit more to interrogate what that means for her, but I still have no way of naming what Erika was even sick with in the first place. Wikimon doesn't even have a summary of her symptoms, and from what I recall the jist of her disability was "if I get too stressed, I pass out." Which. I know people who experience that due to things like seizures, but I still can't help feeling a little bit miffed that Ericka really is the closest to disability rep I can think of in the series.

I'd like to see more of us in the series, if only because it would make me feel a bit more welcome in my favorite series.

[itsizzydizzy]

Cold Shoulder Pt.2 (Ghost x f!reader)

Summary: A continuation of Ghost and new 141 recruit "Angel" on her first day and linger feelings they are left with after there few interactions.

a/n: idk if anyone care about a part 2 about to the blurb I wrote forever ago, but I finally got the urge to write more. I'll probably continue, but when is up to fate at this point. I also apologize for my grammar.

·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙

Eventually you found yourself out the office of the Captain, where Soap left you mentioning he’d see you for dinner soon after. “He’s expecting you, so just head on in. He don’t bite” He called before turning the corner. 

You gazed at the door plotting your best angle of entry. You got comfortable around others easily, but you were weary of starting off on the wrong foot. And barging in had never been your style, nor your expertise. Raising your hand to knock on the door you let out a long breath gathering your courage. 

Just as you start to knock on the door your fist makes contact with the broad chest of the masked lieutenant you only just met hours before. “Sorry sir, I … I was knocking when… the th-door opened-”

Before you can say anything else Ghost simply grabbed your wrist, you realized embarrassingly was still on his chest, and lowered it back to your side. He didn’t spare you a glance from what you could see as he brushed past you down the hallway.

Left stunned outside the Captain’s office the next thing you heard was “Oh the Lieutenant isn’t much for pleasantries. Come’n have a sit.” Finally crossing the threshold of the doorway you found yourself across from the Captain Price you had heard so much about. The sudden awkwardness that runs through you has you void of any words as Price finds your file on his desk. But as he flips through your file the worry you thought was rising within you is replaced with the subtle shock of ease you find.

Price glances up at one with a smirk, “Don’t worry, you're not being interrogated, just like to get to know the newcomers.” You don’t want to get your hopes up, but see you just the few moments you’ve talked to Price why Laswell speaks so highly of him. Very few if any of your superiors in the past were ever so casual and offered respect without routine bootlicking. 

You almost asked Laswell to resend the recommendations she told you she had put out for you to be promoted to the few available positions various task forces she thought would be a ‘good fit’. She had always been there to be an advocate for you but more often than not the needed push when you rather had become just some wallflower. So when she pushed you to the 141, convincing you your talents would be wasted otherwise. You accepted having to put up with the usual song and dance of military social circles, and got on the helicopter with a wary glance at Kate one last time till you hopefully crossed paths again.

But now you found yourself thanking Kate for her kindness and for her adamance for you to come here. You knew Laswell trusted Price and you trusted her. Maybe your awkwardness was a budding of trust, that you hadn’t known since meeting Kate. 

Letting out a slight breath you give a quick smile and tell Price, “Well, what do you want to know?” Seeing the Captain relax back in his chair loosen the tension in your shoulders and head.

With an inquisitive look he asked, “ So how come they call you Angel?”

The new found ache Ghost in is the only thing he can focus on between his breaths and steps down the hall as he leaves Price’s office. 

It's enough that the next mission is three weeks away and his mind was already drowning under the weight of his duties. But having to add another cog into the machine. Another life. You. 

Price was not keen to lean into his request for a smaller, more convert team for the upcoming mission, “Simon no need for you to bear anymore weight, that’s why we're all here.”  The words rang through his head the moment the Captain said them, ordered them. The footsteps Ghost heard down the hall cutoff any reply he had. And he could have done without the reminder of you being here as he left. 

But the ache wouldn’t leave. Even with every furl and flex and furl and flex by the time he made it to the mess hall for dinner it had made no difference. He thought it best to leave for his room, but that decision was cut short by the yell of “Oi Ghost!”

He’d get hell from Johnny if he was too aloof, and Ghost had little time to deal with it these coming weeks. Stepping into the mess hall he ignored the stares of other recruits and b-lined to Soap and Gaz. Furl. At least it was just those two at the table. Flex. Sitting down he barely heard their comments about his ‘ebbing and flowing appetite’ and Soap’s remark on his gaunt face followed by the sergeants' roaring laughter at his cleverness. Furl. 

It’s not that the mask kept them from seeing anything, but kept the worst of Simon in. The roaring in his head that he didn’t need anyone else to hear, or that’s at least what he had been telling himself. Flex. Because if everyone saw him as Ghost there was no issue with him just floating around in moments like these. But the expectation for Simon would be different. Furl. He could lead his life at an arm’s length as Ghost, and that was good for him. Flex. As long as he kept everyone at a distance he would make it through these next couple weeks and the mission and no attachments would-

“Oh, shit, L-Lieutenant, I didn’t mean to drop my tray on your hand, I’m so so sorry!” You said. You. Ghost hadn’t even noticed Gaz and Soap calling you over to join, or you sitting down across from him. He furled his fingers in from being trapped under your tray, raising his gaze to your’s.

“No harm.” He said flexing his fingers on top of the table before retreating blew the table. Furl. The sheepish smile you flashed only made the ache in his hand increase. He had to turn away from your face and hope for relief. Ghost tried to focus on Soap asking about your meeting with the Captain, but your response about a phone call or something cutting it short slashed through that. Flex. From your banter with Gaz and quips with Soap the roaring just increased, he took all his will to focus on the space between you and the sergeant. Furl. But every sentence you spoke the cadence rattled through him pulling his focus. Flex.

But before he knew it the three of you stood to dump your trays, and as he turn to make his way finally to his room-

 “Lieutenant, um, do you want my orange?” You say bearing it in your outstretched hand to him.

“I’m good” Ghost said over his shoulder. Furl.

“I just hate having the toss it is all and also hoped it could serve as a small apology for all the times I invaded your space in the span of an hour.” You rambled offering the orange up again. A small part of you was hoping he would just leave and save you from the blackhole forming in the pit of your stomach. His eyes flicked down to the fruit then back to you. You must have seemed like some poor soul presenting a meager offering to an benevolent god from the way that stare burned into you.

But by some mercy or grace he reached back to grab your offering. His hand not only engulfed the glowing orb but most of you hand seemed to be swallowed to. The gloved tips of his fingers brushed your palm giving you the closest sensation of touching the untouchable. You hadn’t realized your breath was still in your chest since his gaze had met yours. 

And as you released the air back into the open it in turn released his presence. Like your wind had blown him back to wherever he was going or had come from. Like he was never there. 

But as you turned back to the dish line to dump your tray, furling your fist you could still feel the streaks that seemed to linger on your palm. Trying to hold that feeling, that something had been there. 

The sun had long set, coating the base in a blanket of darkness, but Ghost’s room was anything but dark. The source on his nightstand, that seemingly glowing orb. Even turned away from it the light of the fruit burned through his chest. Sleep never came easy, but tonight was impossible. 

Sitting up on the end of the bed, Ghost stared at the orange. Christ, Simon it's just an orange. But even that thought did nothing to lessen the burn its present held. It was stupid. To let his focus be drawn onto something like this. Reaching over and clearing the way to the trash in less than two steps Ghost held the orb out to its final descent. 

The ache returned, his hand finally locking up turning to stone. He could feel it over take him slow building in his chest, but there in his fingertips fire burned. Even through his gloves life or awareness or something sparked into his very being. Only made more real by the eye contact you held with him. It wasn’t a glare, glace, or judgment. It was just a look, one he hadn’t experienced. 

He looked at your peace offering, its weight increasing with each passing moment. Throwing it in the trash would only serve as a visual reminder of its weight dragging down to deepest trenches. God, Simon it's an orange. 

And as his fingertips punctured the skin the ache ebbed. Shifting it to his other palm the energy flowing in his fingers began peeling back the skin. As each piece dropped to the trash, that weight that he had felt from the afternoon slowly lifted. His chest rose and fell, enough so he walked back to his bed and sat on the edge. And with every breath in and out he could chew and swallow each slice.

No light burned through his chest and the lift weight had him rising towards the surface. Slowly but rising. 

But as his head returned to his pillow the light coat of frost still coated his fingertips. The memory may linger, but it will fade. Something told Ghost it wasn’t going to be easily erased though. 

You offered. He accepted. He had cracked open a window to you so soon. Maybe too soon. 

[sillygrossgirl]

Its just like. Icant help but to think that she's self absorbed. She asked me to hang out today, gave me 3 missed calls, a voice message, and texts to hang out, all after i had already texted her that i cant hang out today. All because she was nearby/free. Even though I'd already told her i cant? Like i dont understand why she doesn't just take what i say in these situations, she has to push??

It feels like dismissive towards me. Like "oh i dont care that ur busy/ cant meet up. I am closeby, and i want to see you, and i am free right now so you should make time even though you've already told me that you can't"

It seems kind of sweet at first glance, but ive noticed she always does that. Even when i say i cant talk, she will push and push and disregard my boundaries and its fucking frustrating because even if i call back later, I'll essentially be interrogated as to what was so important that i couldn't talk to her even for a few minutes when she was free earlier because now she's busy and it's stress for her to talk like... ever consider other people's wants and needs..?

Idk i think i just let stuff pile up.

Also like. Idk why its always like this?? I feel like often, i have to go out of my way for her and she does not for me. Whenever we meet, I'm traveling out to her or she waits until im already closeby so she doesnt have to go to much effort to see me and at first its like "yeah makes sense its convenient" and eventually it turns into "is our friendship just a convenience for her more than an actual relationship"

Like its convenient fkr her that she doesnt have to go out of her way for me, uts convenient she can vent to me a lot, i just i always notice with all of my close friendships that i put in way more effort :( every single time. Im definitely projecting on to her and i know 70% of all of this was misguided frustration from other stuff. I've gotta work through it

[literali1110]

Chenford 5x20

Overall, I'm very happy with the storyline from this episode!

We left off with Tim telling Lucy he'll be fine with her being UC but from his face he's clearly not okay. I love that we're left on a kind of open-ended situation that will continue to be explored.

I'm glad Lucy finally brought up this conversation with him and was honest.

Tim wasn't honest with her, or perhaps - with himself. But that's understandable because he doesn't want to be the reason she doesn't choose something she loves and he doesn't want her to grow to regret him.

Lucy needs to decide for herself if she's going to be UC or not. It shouldn't come from outside factors such as Prim or being recognized from TV. And yes, she's heard the warnings from Nyla and now Isabel but they were both still encouraging to her and telling her that she could still do it and not be like them.

So I think she needs to go undercover for a long period of time and decide for herself if it's the right decision for her or not. It does seem to contradict her saying she wants to have kids soon but I guess she still needs to figure stuff out.

And of course Tim and her relationship should figure into her decision but Tim wasn't honest with her about his feelings, so it's complicated and I'm excited that they're going to continue to explore it over the next episode or two.

I loved Lucy's conversation with Isabel and the depth they gave to Isabel and her backstory, and of course I loved that Tim told Isabel Lucy is different.

I found it a little odd that in the beginning they were making it seem like Isabel was more of a threat just because she was his ex-wife and single, and they had Tamara looking into her but then kinda disappear...and she and Tim didn't really have an end scene giving closure. But honestly, I don't think she's a threat other than the fact that she's a reminder of what could happen when you go UC.

The comment about meditation bothered me, not because of how it related to Lucy, but because we know Tim does meditate! Or at least he knows the value of it, which we saw in season 3 with Katie. Maybe he actually does meditate and he's embarrassed to tell Isabel that he's "soft" now? Idk lol.

As for the other storylines, STR is not really my thing, the Bailey storyline was completely not connected to anything else and not needed in my opinion, and the Angela storyline, I wish had been a little more about her solving a case. I'm still not clear if she did all that pregnancy stuff in the interrogation on purpose. Also I wonder if she's not going to be in the next two episodes?

Overall I thought it was a really strong chenford episode and I really like the complexity of where things left off and I'm excited to see what happens next! I may or may not have a UC fic I've been working on that canon has still not completely made irrelevant so maybe I'll finally finish it...

[aribaran]

Hey, I was curious about the world building of your hockey series and why you decided to have women in the NHL and keep the enforcer role as something a lot more common than today's NHL?

the short answer is those are the stories i wanted to tell and the awesome thing about writing your own book is you can basically write whatever you want as long as a publisher is willing to buy it, haha.

the longer answer, at least for bee, is that i do think that there are women who are incredibly talented and that it could be a possibility one day and i enjoy thinking about what that would look like. when you look at players like marie philip-poulin or even nela lopušanová, both of whom are such smart and ridiculously talented women, you wonder how it would go for them in a men's league. relatively tiny guys have long careers all of the time, why not imagine a woman playing in the pro leagues? there aren't actually rules prohibiting them from playing.

i originally started writing the series with bee as the heroine of the first book, because i thought it was a really interesting story, like how would she deal with being one of the most talented people in a room at any given time, but still have to constantly bite her tongue because she was aware how precarious her position was and how the dream could be yanked away at any moment. a large part of her internal drama in her book was not wanting to be a distraction in the locker room/feeling like she couldn't have a relationship with sakari because it could jeopardize her spot on the team/etc but ultimately deciding she could have hockey AND someone who loved her too.

for various reasons, i wasn't able to finish that book (not the least of which an author friend of mine convinced me that as a debut author it would be easier to sell a series that wasn't mixed het and queer relationships and she was right :\) but i liked bee as a character too much to cut her out or rewrite her as a man. from what i can see with the reviews, she is somewhat polarizing. people seem to either really like her or completely hate her. 🤷🏻 i don't regret leaving her in though. i think she's a very fun character to write and i love her friendship with mike so much.

for bee's arc, too, the way she integrates into the team and is a huge reason for their success was also really satisfying for me to write. i like to envision a league that may still have its issues with racism and sexism and homophobia, but ultimately, has the possibility of being more inclusive and accepting. and that's something i'm ideally going to be able to explore in later books but idk how many i'll get, so!

as for the enforcers, i don't think danny or mike are really old school enforcers in the sense that they're completely useless on the ice for anything except fighting. they have contemporary analogues: for example, i see danny as more of a ryan reaves or a nicolas deslauriers type of guy. he may not have the TOI of a top four d-man (yes i know the other two are forwards but it's the general principle), but he's not a total liability when he's out there. there's more fighting in the book than there is in real life, again for drama's sake, but i'll put it this way, des had 136 PIM last season, and a good amount of those were fights. it's not as uncommon as you'd really like to think (or maybe just me being forced to watch the flyers so much...it wasn't as uncommon, rip). and let's not kid ourselves about why guys like reaves and des are both constantly in demand, even if they may not be the most talented players.

if you're interested i have a longer post on my substack about both danny and mike's character arcs and why i wrote them the way i did, including the sources i used. basically my books are romances, but i am someone who is deeply interested in hockey culture and history, so the books are love stories, but they are also avenues for me to interrogate the kind of fucked up aspects of hockey culture. for danny and mike, that was the culture of fighting, playing through pain and ignoring your mental health, the intense and crushing toxic masculinity these men are subjected to from the time they are little kids to the time they are forced to retire. i am doing this too in delay of game, but the focus is on anxiety disorders and body dysmorphia (and the kind of fucked up way that hockey people have of talking about hockey players' bodies).

hopefully that helped answer your question!

[negative-citadel]

For the dbh ask game: 3, 14, 17, 18 💙

I'm apologizing ahead of time because I ramble like hell. LOL Thank you for the ask!

3. Which character do you relate the most to?

Aaaaah, almost really hard to answer. I relate to most of the characters in the game to some degree. Grew up in a broken home like Alice, taken in & cared for people like Kara. I can go on and on but if there's a character I really, really relate to - It's probably Luther, the protector, guardian, however you want to refer to him. He really deserves more lines but I can firmly say I can relate to giving everything in my power to see those around me be safe. I won't type an essay about it because my response is long enough but I can really relate to Luther in many ways.

In a way, I've also really related to Hank lately but I don't want to trauma dump on here or make anyone worried.

14. How do you feel about Kara’s role in the game compared to her role in the Kara short?

Admitly - I'm torn. I actually love both. When I first saw the Kara Short (as a bonus in Beyond: Two Souls), I thought it was AMAZING. I remember my brother and I saying "I wish they'd turn that into a full game". Lmao, and obviously they did. However, I feel in-game Kara is faaaaaaaar different than the Kara in the short. The short is, well, short, and says what it needs to convey and shows Kara moreso as an android that just wants to live life free, whereas in the game, Kara does have those wants, but her main goal is to protect Alice. I love them both and her story in the game is very much packed with the angst I know & love... It's hard to choose which I like more but the Kara short is probably better written (let's face it, it's harder to have plot holes in a 7 minute video rather than a long video game with branching paths).

17. Favorite moments of each playable character?

Oh I have sooo many but I'll try to narrow it down to 2 for each character.

Markus: I love his introduction with Carl. I know the subtext is bad but the moment Markus does his painting, always swells my heart (I think it's partially the amazing soundtrack that gives me emotions). All of the different arts he makes are just...sooo good.

However, I also ADORE crossroads & I love Markus making his way down to blow up the ship while rescuing any androids can. Oh the music, the action, I love it lol.

Kara: There's so many moments I love with Kara. The river endings always have me sobbing my eyes out lol (even if both Alice & Kara make it). I do love the humanity in when you enter the checkpoint and the soldier hands Alice back one of her gloves. I always found it really heartwarming.

Also, Kara talking with Rose. The two just feel like really close friends and Rose cares for Alice on the same level Kara does, I feel. At the final checkpoint at the border, I love Kara finally being able to cry & getting one last hug from Rose before you hopefully make good choices. LOL

Connor: Oh man, hard to choose but I will ALWAYS laugh at Connor breaking into Hank's house via the window...then "Sumo, attack! ...good dog." It gets me every time. Connor convincing Hank to go to the Eden Club in the most sly and manipulative way - I love Russian Roulette as a chapter so much. The depressing subtext is just, *chef kiss*. I love angst & I also love humor.

Then, the chase in the nest. Watching Connor just gun it and run, doing stunts that are impossible for a human being. The music, the action, watching our RK800 dash at probably 15 or 25 mph. Idk, I love it. I'm a sucker for it everytime. I also feel obliged to mention the "I like dogs" & the interrogation sequence. I'm a sucker for interrogation scenes in movies, games, etc. (I also love his little chat sessions with Amanda).

18. Which NPC gave you the most feels?

It's hard to just pick one! Rose gives me mega feels when she brings up how hard it's been since her husband passed. Alice for - obvious reasons. Hank's self destruction, past, addiction, I've seen it irl, I've been it irl. I feel so sorry for him. North - just thinking about her history. It is sooooooooo hard not to feel bad for all the NPCs. I really can't pick one. D:

Thank you for the ask! :D