#I'd say the only thing I'm still struggling with is food and sleep but overall it's goin pretty good

[transthatfag]

some days you treat yourself and ur environment better than usual and you wonder. how come I don't do this all the time? yknow?

[just-some-user-hunny]

Edward scissorhands headcanons...

I'm in the mood for Halloween as of late, so thought I'd dedicate some headcanons to some of my favourite Halloween movie characters!

~🖤~❄️~🕸️~🖤~❄️~🕸️~🖤~❄️~🕸️~🖤~❄️~

~ he is such a sweet man :(( he's incredibly shy and withdrawn, but has this little inkling of curiousity and kindness that twinkles in his dark doe eyes.

~ watches you hug your friends and family with this longing in his eyes, but will avert his gaze if you look at him. Edward would do anything to be able to hold you, and to be held by you- but alas his fear of even laying a scratch on you outweighs those desires. Still, he can't help but dream a little.

~ he's woken from dreams of embracing you tightly, only to wake up holding a pillow that's been practically sliced to ribbons and his mattress covered in feathers. Edward will just blink and then go :(

~ he's extremely paranoid about hurting you. Longing, yearning looks will be cast towards your hands- before he slowly gazes down at his own blades, before deflating and withering within himself. As a people pleaser, he'll never complain or bring it up, but he thinks about it a lot.

~ he feels like a ghost around you. Being seen, but unable to touch. He wishes he had hands like yours so that he could hold you and cup your face to feel your warmth, but alas all he can do is imagine.

~ Edward speaks so so softly, and his voice is just very soothing. You'll have to initiate the conversations, and he'll mostly just listen, but now and then he'll answer back. He's very polite, but shy.

~ ok but helping him eat when he struggles at the dinner table :( you'll see him fumble around with his blade hands, and the moment you feed him a forkful of food yourself, he just gives you this little thankful look :(

~ him going on errands with you, and just kind of fumbles silently and stays glued to your heels as he follows you around like a puppy in the grocery store. He is limited in what he can do due to his scissors, but the things he can do like

~ ok but Edward helping you with little things that he can do that makes him feel helpful and happy. Say you're sewing some torn clothing that he accidentally snipped whilst trying to help with laundry, and you'll hold out the thread for him- and he just carefully snips it and smiles sweetly when you praise him :(

~ inviting him to lay his head on your lap so you can somewhat cuddle that way, and he's very hesitant but indulges in it after a little reassurance and patience. He'll peer up at you softly as you lightly pet his messy locks of inky hair, and not really look away 😅 you'll be contently watching TV whilst he's in your lap, and then look down because he's being unusually silent and you're met with his unblinking eyes staring at yours like 👁️-👁️ he's part terrified of hurting you in anyway, and part elated at this small contact with you. Your lap is very comfortable, much more comfier than whatever he has had to sleep on within his cold decrepit mansion in his lonesome past.

~ carving pumpkins with him and he just makes these really intricately carved jack-o'-lanterns which he shows off proudly <3 he'll gladly help you if you need any as well. Just cute fun bonding together as you get ready for Halloween.

~ kissing the scars and cuts on his face

:( <3 constantly patching him because he's constantly knicking and cutting himself by accident, so you'll always be cleaning his injuries and dressing them with bandaids and kisses. It definitely makes it more bearable for him.

~ Edward is rather tall, so you'll have to usher him to crane his neck whenever you give him kisses. It's almost become an unconscious thing to him now. Whenever you call or usher to him, he'll bow his head down for you to stroke his head or kiss his forehead. Sometimes, when he has the courage, he'll return the gester and gently peck a light kiss to your forehead as well <3

~ overall, he's just very sweet and gentle! Although he may be clumsy and a little unsure of things, he holds genuine care and fondness for you, and he'll express it in any way he can

[nazmazh]

So, yeah Palworld.

Despite the tone/direction of the hype, it's not really a replacement for Pokémon.

It is, however a replacement for ARK. And it's been quite good at that so far.

And considering the BS ARK pulled with their pricing and release plans and all that recently (not to mention their apparent utter aversion to optimizing the game even slightly - I'd really rather not have to dedicate nearly half of a hard drive to keeping it installed and updated, only for it to still struggle to run certain parts thank you very much), I know a lot of people that were looking for something to scratch that itch.

It might not be dinosaur-flavoured, but the mons are an appealing substitute on many levels. And the more direct automated use of them in more complex tasks is definitely a neat addition - And that's before even getting into the whole "parody of cute monster taming games" aspect - Which I don't think would have carried a game on its own for me, but is a solid enough flavour element here. Plus, expressly elemental creatures also creates more opportunities for use in the base system.

Also, as a quality of life thing - I really like that within a base, all storage is linked, so you can start building without having to go back and physically carry the materials to where you're using them. Hopefully though, a future update goes even further with this and has a system to link storage across all bases. So that you don't have to run, say, metal back and forth from the one base that produces it to others that have the more advanced production facilities.

Also - Battling/catching is a far less tedious system than KO'ing a critter and sitting there, keeping it unconscious and feeding it (especially feeding it only specific special optimum taming food) for hours to add a new critter to your team.

Something I hadn't thought of until just now - The Breath of the Wild-style movement/stamina system has felt very great! Movement feels speedy enough, the third-person perspective feels good for the sort of things you have to do, and being able to just start climbing is amazing! Something that's definitely lacking in both ARK and Pokemon (well, until you get the right upgrades in Sc/Vi, anyway). Is it the best implementation of such a system? Oh, definitely not, it still feels very unpolished compared to, say, BotW/TotK - But for this type of game, it's a very nice addition.

The actual battle system has very little in common with Pokémon - Not even something like Legends: Arceus. It's definitely much more of a free for all. It's honestly closer to Pikmin than Pokémon, but honestly still closest to stuff like ARK.

Anyway, yeah, it's been a solid zone-out and do tasks while watching YouTube/tv/whatever game, which has been a niche I've needed filled for a while. Much as I love Alan Wake 2 and my old standby Dead by Daylight - You do need to actively pay complete attention to those ones and can't have something else running alongside them.

The actual Pokémon has been sort of filling this role for a bit, but I've reached a point there where I'm just running around levelling my mons, which is fine, but familiar. Palworld is a new world to explore, with tasks that aren't quite as mindless. So it's a nice change of pace for the time being.

My sleep schedule however, is not a fan of the "Just one more thing..." Mentality I get from it (and a much of this whole genre).

------

One last note - The controversies.

Believe me, it absolutely raised my suspicions when I first heard about it overall - How could such a game not be a cheap cash-in? Probably just a bare bones, barely functional early-access asset flip game with a splash of edgy "pokemon (but just legally-distinct enough) but what if guns and expressly killing and eating them" for flavour/a gimmick, right?

But then it seemed like there was an actual game there. Systems had been thought out and appear functional - At least on a level that's on par with other decent early-access games. So, at least so far, it's not a cash-grab rip-off.

When was the other shoe going to drop?

Well, there's two drums people seem to beat loudly right now: "They're ripping off Pokemon and Nintendo's totally gonna shut them down!" And "The game totally uses AI for it's designs!", with a final offshoot of that to the effect of "This company's a scam!"

Well, to that first point - Nintendo is infamously litigious and very quickly moves to take down anything infringing on their copyrights. So, the fact that this game, being made by a "proper" development studio/company (ie: not just a couple of fans working on it as a hobby), which had publically discussed the making of the game over the past few years, made it to the point of early-access release without being taken down - That probably speaks to the "just-legally-distinct-enough" nature of their mon designs and capture systems, which are probably the two aspects most similar enough to raise eyebrows.

Now, certain visual elements do appear to be the same/incredibly similar - But I'm not sure that "facial features being used in conjunction with each other" is something they can copyright. As long as these devs/designers reverse-engineered their own versions of things, and didn't actually just rip Nintendo/Game Freak's models, I don't think there's much that actually is actionable there. The parody element is another angle that probably provides some broad cover as to the design similarity (in that you want people to clearly understand the reference you're making, so you want some similarities).

At any rate, I imagine the most profitable media franchise of all-time is probably gonna be just fine if someone makes allusions to them and their designs in an entirely different game. Pokemon doesn't really need anyone starting a crusade on its behalf, y'know?

To the stuff about the company (Pocketpair) itself. Well, there's a little more meat to those complaints there.

The big one - That AI was used in Palworld's design/development. That appears to be not true, or at the very least, not something that's been confirmed. If it were true, they'd have to disclose that for their Steam store page. So, at least, they did not openly use AI here (and its dev cycle began before the rise of the big AI boom, so it's less-likely that it was used). They'll probably face some sort of repercussions from Valve if they were deceptive about using AI, and there's not really a great reason to not be upfront about it, so, for now, I don't think they have used it here.

Believe me, if I suspected for a moment that AI was being used to cheat artists/designers out if work, I'd be out there, beating that drum too. But, given what evidence we have now, I just don't think they have for Palworld.

That being said...

Their CEO has definitely made some very sus statements about wanting to use AI going forward. Including comments about mon design in-general (nothing specific to Palworld, though, as far as I'm aware). And they have expressly used AI before, in their game AI: Art Imposter - So there is definitely a willingness on their part to use it (Though I'm not sure calling it 'Art Imposter' necessarily constitutes uncritical, effusive praise - But still, they used it in the game anyway). So that's definitely something to keep an eye on.

The whole situation with Pocketpair's other big game, Craftopia being an anime-styled, open world sandbox survival crafting game still in early-access definitely rubs some people the wrong way - Not the least of which are people who have been playing that game and feel as though they may have been playing an elaborate beta test that's going to be abandoned in favour of Palworld. And, like, I do get that - But, so far anyway, development appears to still be proceeding on Craftopia as well. So, I guess you can pick your preference from them - Whether you want the edgy Pokemon parody content in your game or you'd rather just have the "not-blocky Minecraft" type of stuff.

Ultimately, I don't think Pocketpair has any sort of loftier, noble ideals about being a better kind of gaming company or anything. They're certainly not a company that has earned any great leeway or trust from me - But they're definitely not just a cut-and-run scamming asset flipper gaming Steam's storefront.

I won't say Palworld is a "completely unproblematic fave forever" or anything like that, but from what I've been able to find, there's nothing in it/it's development history right now that makes it morally objectionable enough to avoid in my books. It's fine.

It's fine.

Other people might have different standards for what's unforgivable; but, the controversies about it definitely seem overblown or misrepresented - In my mind, at least. Its premise certainly could be alienating to a lot of people - But if you don't want to play it, you don't have to. If you don't like it, you can just say as much. You don't need to build it up into a whole big moral crusade to justify not really feeling like playing it. That's fine.

That's fine.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for mentions of sa and rape

How do you deal with nightmares around your trauma? Usually I didn't have many nightmares about my trauma or my abuser who caused it but lately I've been having them almost every night and it's kinda horrifying, it's stuff where it's like normal but I'm always on edge around him and he's threatened me saying he could rape me and other things I forget most of it after waking up but its still bad enough and then I'm always tired no matter how much I sleep and I don't want to sleep

Hi anon,

First of all please know you're not alone. This is something I've been struggling with for a long time. There are a lot of different potential reasons why you may be dealing with this.

Personally one of my problems was that I found these dreams highly important or significant to me. Every time my abuser popped up, I had to write it down and document it when I woke up. It created a vicious cycle where giving it that much space only enabled it to take up more space.

So when I stopped recording dreams with my abuser in it (only just recently) it completely shifted my dreams. My abuser would still pop up now and then but we would just coexist and it would overall be a good dream. It's not easy at all but I think it's about being able to reclaim power over your sleep and dreams, and realize that, in your mind, you can get to say how little he can hurt you.

If you have a psychiatrist, you may want to speak with them about beta blockers. I was prescribed beta blockers (Minipress) for PTSD nightmares, and while they didn't help me, everyone is different. Beta blockers essentially lower your blood pressure that may be spiking before or during sleep, which could be exacerbating the distressing contents of your dreams.

A lot of times we can't choose whether or not we dream about our abuser. But it could help to try and intentionally think about pleasant things as you drift off. My strategy is to just focus on world-building. So let's say I want to imagine going on vacation to a place I've always wanted to visit. I'd imagine looking online for hotels, finding ones with different kinds of hot tubs, maybe a water park, a high class hotel room, maybe imagine the cool food, drinks, amenities, and maybe some things to do in the area.

Go as specific as possible, like imagine they have your favorite food prepared exactly how you like it and imagine the person serving it to you and the super fancy restaurant you're in, and such. Try to ground yourself in this world by imagining the different things you can see, smell, hear, taste, etc, and soon you'll be asleep and hopefully immersing yourself in this world.

I think ultimately it's just about your point in recovery. I've been recovering for almost 8 years and still have work to do but I consider myself mostly healed so this might be something for a later stage. It makes sense if you still feel deeply traumatized by your abuser. While the symptoms can definitely be distressing, there is no rush to heal. At the same time, it's important to address this because for some survivors this can progress into somniphobia (fear of sleep), which can take a huge toll on your health. This article explains this further.

You deserve a restful sleep. Your abuser doesn't deserve to live rent free in your dreams.

If anyone else has any suggestions or comments, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[survey--s]

634.

Name all the pets you’ve ever had. I never had any growing up, but as an adult I've had Gizmo and Athena who were sibling tabby cats. I had to leave them with my ex when we split up, though. Then when Mike and I got together, we got Layla (a little black kitten), Purrlock (a black rescue cat) and Toby (black kitten). We lost Layla in May and we now have Simba who is a ginger tabby kitten. We also have Archie the beagle who is five.

Are you on break, or do you still have a couple days of school left? I haven't been in any kind of education since 2011.

Do you like Stephen King novels? I've actually never read any of them, or seen any of his films.

Have you ever had a macaroon? Yes, and a macaron. Macaroons remind me of my childhood.

One of my friends dislikes animals in general. Are you like her? No. My dad is one of those people though, lol. He tolerates my love of animals but it's why I was never allowed a pet growing up.

Do you prefer being on time, or do you not mind being late? I HATE being late. I'm always early or on time unless I have absolutely no other choice.

What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do? (ex: skydive) Travel to outer space.

Have you ever made a bucket list? No.

What subject at school did you absolutely hate? Chemistry.

How many cell phones have you gone through up till now? I think seven or eight, maybe. Which is pretty good going considering I've owned some kind of phone for the last 20+ years.

Italian food or Chinese food? I love both. I think overall I prefer Italian though.

Do you have more than the standard earlobe piercings? Yes - three in each earlobe, one in my right cartilage, my nose and my belly button (though I don't wear jewellery in the latter anymore as it kept getting infected).

Ever studied a foreign language? I did a degree in French, and I also studied German for a while. My dad taught me a bit of Italian as a kid too.

Don’t you hate it when your family eats all the ice cream at home? My mum always used to do that and it drove me insane.

Ever been in a near death situation? If so, what happened? Hmm, no, I wouldn't say so.

Do you like to make flash cards when you study? No.

Favorite flavor of gum? Spearmint.

Do you tend to be frugal, or are you more comfortable spending money? I have no real need to be frugal as we don't struggle financially. But saying that, I'm not really that materialistic and only tend to spend money on stuff I need, or stuff that's practical/for the house.

Do you have a connection to any religion? No.

Ever played a team sport, or are you not sporty at all? I was on all the sports teams in school but I never really enjoyed it.

Do you put posters on your bedroom walls? No. I did as a teenager though.

Do you sleep with one leg sticking out of the covers? Sometimes, yeah.

I have extremely weird, frightening dreams. Do you? Not frightening, but my dreams are definitely on the weird side.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer? No, because I am not. <--- haha yep, same.

Ever been to the Big Apple? If not, do you want to visit? No, but I'd love to visit one day.

Opinion on Gangnam Style? It's catchy and a pretty good song, really.

Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online? No.

Did you ever watch the Lizzie McGuire movie? Yep, multiple times ha.

If you did, do you know what the guy that played Gordo looks like now? (ew) Why ew?That's harsh, lol. Anyway, I've just googled him and he looks normal to me?

How many email accounts do you have? Two.

Ever shamelessly played Farmville on Facebook? No, I never really got into Farmville.

Are you a big fan of dessert? Not really. There are a few kinds I love but generally I'd rather have a starter.

Ever had a brush with the paranormal? If so, describe. No.

Were you one of the popular kids in high school? Nope, definitely not lol.

I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike. I don't really strongly dislike anyone. I either like you or I'm generally apathetic towards you lol.

Do you know the band Vampire Weekend? I've heard of them, yeah.

What do you think about Marilyn Manson? He's a dodgy fucker. He's been accused of all sorts of shit.

In general, do you prefer going out or staying home? It really depends, there is no "in general" because there are so many different variables.

Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school? I honestly never got into trouble at school.

Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras? No.

Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets? Why would it bother me?

Favorite pair of shoes? Probably my black ballet shoes or my grey ankle boots.

Where were you on 9/11? In French class in year...8, it must have been. Any food in particular you just can’t get enough of? Pizza, bread, potatoes.

Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother? No, they weren't really a thing here.

Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome? I do. It sucks. Yeppp. I hate it.

Are you a fan of British Youtubers? (Marcus Butler, JacksGap, etc) I don't watch YouTubers of any nationality, lol.

Jalapeños: yay or nay? Nay. I can't stand spicy food.

Did you ever play Minecraft? I tried and it just gave me a headache lol.

Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member? I played it a few times.

Favorite concerts you’ve been to? Did you scream until you were hoarse? Plain White T's or Lily Allen, and no.

So where were you when the Boston Marathon bombing happened? I don't remember. At home probably, or work?

Rainy days on the weekend: yay or nay? It depends whether I have plans or not.

Do you look down on girls that wear shorts with Uggs? No, but then again, nobody wears Uggs anymore.

Californian girls talk and dress a certain way, don’t they? I mean, sure, but that's true of people from any part of the country.

Ever crushed on a teacher? If so, what subject did he/she teach? No. I never understood that lol.

Ever take an art class? If so, what’d you think? I did art in school until GCSE's. I quite liked it.

[i-did]

hi hello i couldn't sleep last night so i was scrolling thru all ur asks and stuff and ur opinions and analyses are so interesting!!! and then afterwards i was thinking about what u were saying about mlm smut and i'd also been thinking about such things a little bit recently bc like.....at a certain point it becomes quite clear that the vast majority of smut-writing is just imitation. like there's the sex noise verb list and all and the whole general mechanics of the sex and those things just .... replicate over and over. and the whole thing w people writing mlm vs wlw smut regardless of their own sexual orientation..... like i feel like a big part of that is just a self-perpetuating thing. like if u have not had sex and u r getting all ur (pleasure-related) sex ed from fandom (even if u do watch porn, that doesn't rlly tell u how to describe stuff? idk) regardless of What fandom , the majority is going to be mlm smut. which is itself majority imitation of other mlm smut, imitating and imitating back to whoever knows what the first smut fanfic was etc. there's just way More to mimic than there is on the women side of things. which then becomes a self-perpetuating thing, bc the mimicry continues and generates more and more. and---if there are fundamental misunderstandings of anatomy involved---those self-perpetuate as well. and maybe even exaggerate. and yeah. does this all make sense? idk i was just thinking about it. like all the stereotypes and stuff continue bc writers are getting their inspo from other writers rather than their own brains. or something. idk!!!!! it's just all... divorced from reality? bc words. or something!! i hope u get what i'm trying to say. just thoughts i've been thinking. anyway i think ur thoughts are cool. and ur writing. ok bye have a good day!!

Okay yeah this is kinda messy but hope u see this, uhh yeah I think you're right about the echo chamber effect fr about stuff. I think it's a mix of projecting too sometimes. talk more under the cut and also link to a video essay since I love video essays.

Here’s a video that sort of touches on this topic: 

“Gay fanfiction” by Sarah Z. (has CC)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8E_C00dKwI

This video begins to talk about fetishization at the end, but also… not really. The words “gay fanfiction” is used as a catchall, when really gay fanfiction is largely mlm written by non-mlm.

Fandom is a largely women's space dominated by the female gaze in a media industry world that is dominated by men and the male gaze. I'm really glad women have this space to explore creativity and queerness, and I don't expect the female gaze to go away, but I am still ultimately bummed out I can’t read most fanfic or interact with most fandom spaces without having fetishization in my face. 

So about 80% of fandom is women, and most of those women aren't straight, but 90% of those women prefer mlm ships. Why don’t they prefer wlw ships? Well definitely part of it is the fact that queerbaiting is centered around white straight men, and then there is also the fact that women tend not to be written as well charcter wise. But the fact still remains that you get jerjean getting priority over Layla and Alvarez who are in canon just as much and are a canon wlw couple who actually interact as well as Alvarez could likely be a woc because of her Hispanic last name. Korasami doesn’t get nearly as much hype as zuko and saka, despite the fact that they are 2 fully dimensional characters who canonly kiss and hold hands, something the creators fought for and ended up having to sacrifice another reboot for. 

I do believe the fandom echo-chamber is largely responsible for… a lot of things, like you're saying. But what's interesting is that the complaints I've heard about visual porn from non mlm in the fandom space is that they can’t get off to it because its for the male gaze and misogynistic usually. But they also don't seem to notice how the mlm smut circles has the female gaze and is also… almost always mlm. If it was a pure anatomical not knowing thing, I get that, but I also think that leads to the question of “then why the male body for porn, and not your own? The one you know and are familiar with?” 

I know some people want to get outside of their own body for porn and don’t want to think of their own anatomy at all, but overall I'm still uncomfortable. If an anglo said “well I watch porn of only Mexicans so I don't self insert” I'm gonna be like … hhhh in a similar way. I understand people “like what they like” but I wish they also noticed said patterns in the first place. I understand the t4t tumblr porn circle, and how it's different from cis people who only watch trans porn. 

I actually wished that instead of fandom focusing on mlm ships where some asshole guy hits on bottom troupe charcter for top troupe character to save, was instead… a wlw character experiencing said shitty getting hit on and other wlw swooping in. what's interesting is fandom writes a lot about misogynistic experiences without often realizing it. Ive read fanfic where guys get called sluts for sleeping with people or called bitch for speaking their mind, these arent things men usually experience, but rather women. Fandom has a lot of internalized misogyny and also queerphobia imo. Women characters often get pushed to the sidelines and men become the canvas for female fans to project onto. 

There is this natural inclination to mlm. When people are talking about “gay shipping” or “gay books” or “gay feels” or even just “gay” mlm is what’s largely in mind. I honestly am kinda saddened by this because if gay fanfiction was really solely about writing more to feel represented, then you would see a lot of bi and ace and lesbian rep, but this isn't the case. Queer women are seriously underrepresented, and I want to hear their stories and read them in fanfiction as well as published. 50% of lgbt literature is mlm, and of that its largely written by women. Becky Albertalli, Rainbow Rowell, Maggie Stiefvater, are the YA big names and are all women writing mlm. Red white and royal blue is written by Casey McQuiston and Captive prince (which is not YA) is written by C. S. Pacat, who is non-binary, but is also TME and not mlm. These are all the big names in mlm lit, behind them is some gay men, but honestly their stories aren't preferred, they're not the right “flavor” for the consumers usually, who are largely women. In general YA consumers and authors are women, but I wish that they… just wrote about women too. I think there is a certain… snowball effect to the overrepresentation of mlm representing the whole LGBT community that leads to fetishization, as well as misogyny playing a factor in: less women characters being written well to write fanfic on, when they are written well they're taken less seriously or the audience struggles to relate to them, they're less marketable then men. 

Idk I never feel “seen” or “represented” by any of the books above, which don't address boyhood and manhood and queerness intersecting really, and AFTG doesn’t either. I relate to AFTG as a trauma victim who has experienced a lot of what many of the characters go through and have gone through in the EC as well as them just overall being very well written characters, but I don't relate to it as a mlm really. I've never seen like.. gay voice or being straight passing or femphobia or how boyhood can be affected from a young age by those around you sensing you're ‘other’ or if you didn't experience this you feel outside the mlm community. Let alone sub cultures like bear and leather and pup, at most you see the word “he's such a twink” in fandom which... i fr hate non mlm using that word because it's usually used to replace the f-slur essentially, used derogatorily or to call him “such a bottom” and stuff like that. It’s like a joke or an insult.

Long story short, idk mang this was a ramble and I think I'm coning down with something. I wanna see more queer women rep and women authors writing about being a queer woman too. I think it's a complex web of fetishization and a bit of forbidden love yaoi culture (or it used to be in the BOYXBOY days) as well as misogyny on an industry level, creator level, as well as reader/consumer and fandom level. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to explore other peoples stories and what we read has to be segregated, “only mlm are allowed to read and write mlm, only wlw are allowed to read and write wlw,” but I also think author’s intent and audience and background is telling, as well as overall statistics. Like about an hour ago I was looking for cookbooks in spanish or in english, and I was looking for some mexican food cook books, but I had to look for them using words in spanish because otherwise what came up was a bunch of “fiesta party, easy as uno dos tres authentic cooking!” and I was like… hm. Since I could tell they were marketing to anglos. (also the author’s last names were like michelle smith, james cooper, and this could be for a variety of reasons, but I trust Hispanic names more tbh and deadass would look at the authors pictures and if they had other books in Spanish or what their specialties were.)

anyways. not sure how to end this. uhm if anyone has any book recs (my to read list is like 500 books tho no joke) preferably not YA white mlm written by a white lady, hopefully queer women written by queer woman, LMK, I need more wlw and queer women stories on my list. I have a decent amount but always looking for more. I kinda wanna link my goodreads or my storygraph but I also don't want to get doxxed and it has my legal name on it so.

Also, I'm dyslexic and using spell check but if there's like some wild typos my b.

[one-boring-person]

I Trust You.

Marko (The Lost Boys) x Chiraptophobic!reader

Warnings: very vague mention of abuse, but they do not apply to the reader necessarily.

Context: The reader suffers from chiraptophobia (the fear of physical human contact/touch) and has somehow found themself in a friendship with Marko, who has somehow managed to understand how to not constantly need to touch his friend to show affection, until they take a ride on the Ferris wheel.

A/N: This was interesting to write, so j hope it's turned out alright. I guess I took a little inspiration from Death Stranding's Sam, but I thought it would be fun to do which it was. I hope it's enjoyable!😊💛

Masterlist

It took Marko weeks to finally figure out why I always shied away from his advances, why I'd stared uncomfortably at his offered hand until he withdrew it when he'd tried to shake mine in greeting, why I always wore gloves even in the suffocatingly hot summer air (despite him doing the same), and why I wouldn't go near people I don't know personally, often doing my hardest to steer clear of others in general. Rather than ask, he tried to work it out for himself, observing my behaviour and mannerisms for hours on end, though he still couldn't get what was up with my actions. He'd had to ask for some help from the others, though only David and Dwayne could offer any plausible reasons as to why: maybe I'd been abused in my past and was now averse to unfamiliar human contact, or maybe I was a germophobe. When the young vampire had asked me about both, I'd quickly denied them, thinking that it is unlikely he'd understand the real reason for my odd behaviour. It was only when he saw another person try to shake my hand that he finally noticed the emotion passing through my eyes at the prospect, at which point it all clicked into place. I was afraid of the contact.

Explaining to him what chiraptophobia is was surprisingly easy, though he was a little disappointed by this fact, being a very touch-driven person when around others, even when not in a relationship, though he did manage to take it in his stride, taking time to inform the boys of this as well, in case one of them accidentally made me uncomfortable. He'd nearly ripped Paul's head off when the taller vampire tried to wrap his arm around my shoulders, only letting up when I told him it was alright, that there was no harm done, despite how uneasy I felt afterwards. Since then, Marko has become almost like a bodyguard for me, making sure no one ever comes into my personal space, all while keeping his distance, too, respecting my limits.

We became fast friends, so much so that he eventually told me his secret, revealing his true self to me on one of the nights we chose to hang out together, alone, on the beach, a night I'd never forget. Naturally, I'd been shaken by this revelation, but soon grew used to the idea, knowing that my friend would never hurt me, not intentionally. After a few months, I finally felt comfortable enough to let him touch my gloved hand, though it still made me feel a little uneasy, the sensation of another person's fingers on mine unfamiliar and disturbing to me, but it made the vampire unbelievably happy, a bright smile plastering itself across his face for the rest of the night. He tells me he had to fight off the urge to hug me, for which I'm very grateful - touching a covered hand is very different to being enveloped in an embrace. Since then, he's taken any chance he can get to hold or touch my hand, always beaming like a beacon when he does so, my discomfort in the contact fading a little over time, though I'd soon found that it was only with the curly haired blonde that my body reacted like this, having asked Dwayne to try at some point, to see if it improved overall. Having come up negative in this test, I gave contact one last try with David, who never seems to take off his gloves, only to find that his touch made me uneasy as much as Dwayne's had, despite the two layers of cloth between our respective fingertips. The memory still sets me on edge, though I am well aware it has nothing to do with either David or Dwayne, rather my own mentality.

A shiver goes up my spine as I feel a hand slip into mine, though I quickly recognise the young vampire stepping in beside me, my stance relaxing again when my body realises whose touch it is, though my arm still remains a little tense, out of habit. Reassuringly, Marko swipes a thumb over the back of my glove, glad that I haven't rejected the contact yet, meaning I'm doing better than normal.

"Hey Stranger." He greets, grinning widely at me.

"Hey Blondie." I reply, smiling back at him in return, before casting a quick glance around for the others, "What'd you do with the other three?"

"They're around. Not sure where." The young vampire shrugs, dismissing the question quickly, "How was your day?"

"Not too bad. I didn't get much work done though, I was too preoccupied."

"Preoccupied? With what?" Marko inquires, raising an eyebrow at me in confusion, though his lips are still quirked up into an amused curve.

"That's for me to know, and for you to figure out." I chuckle, tapping the side of my nose secretively.

"Challenge accepted." He smirks, eyes lighting up at the prospect.

I smile at him as we walk, knowing he'll figure it out eventually, the answer being a little closer to home than he thinks.

"Anyway, how'd you sleep?" I question him, eyeing the Ferris wheel off to the side of the Boardwalk.

"Better than usual, actually."

"Oh yeah? How come?"

"Paul didn't snore so much for once, and David wasn't muttering in his sleep either, so it was pretty quiet, altogether." He explains, smiling when I laugh at the mention of David.

"Wait, David talks in his sleep?"

"Yeah, but you can't tell anyone! And especially don't tell him that I told you, or I'll have my ass kicked to the moon and back." Marko grins, biting his thumb as if nervous, though I'm aware that this is one of his signature mannerisms.

"That's a lot of ass-kicking. Probably quite impressive to watch. " I muse, noticing his arm lift slightly, as if to give me a playful slap on the arm, as he normally would've done with someone else, only to briefly squeeze my hand instead, shaking his head in mock exasperation. I grin at him, before turning my gaze back towards the Ferris wheel, admiring the glittering lights in the black night sky, wondering what the view is like up there.

"Wanna take a ride?" Marko interrupts my thoughts, eyebrow raised in amusement.

"Huh?" I blurt out, not having heard his question, quickly snapping my eyes back to his.

"Do you wanna go on the wheel with me?" He repeats, gesturing with a nod of the head to the great circular structure a little way away.

"I would love to, but I don't have any money on me tonight. I forgot my change." I say, somewhat remorsefully, using my free hand to pat my pockets to check for any loose coins, though I'm well aware I have none, having spent it all on food earlier in the evening.

"Who said anything about you paying? Come on, it'll be fun!" The blonde vampire promises, pulling me into the crowd, which parts around us thanks to his reputation (and choice of company), meaning no one comes into touching distance. At one point, my arm brushes past some surfer's bare bicep, which sends uncomfortable shivers and goosebumps through my body, the bitter, irrational fear that comes with it soon biting at the back of my mind, my pulse picking up slightly in response, my muscles turning rigid under my clothes. Marko notices this, briefly stopping to make sure I'm ok, before turning to memorize the surfer's face, most likely intending to take it up with him later, before we continue on, swiftly reaching the shortening queue for the Ferris wheel. Beside me, Marko fidgets and shifts in place, clearly eager to get on the rotating structure, his thumb between his teeth as usual, doe eyes focused on the ticket booth.

"Calm down, Blondie. The wheel isn't going anywhere." I laugh, watching the people around us as they amble to and fro, inching out of the way as a group of made-up girls push past, wincing as I brush against Marko, only to feel surprised when I don't feel the usual discomfort rising up in me from the contact, setting a train of thought into motion. I barely notice as the queue diminishes, only really returning to the present when we reach the booth, at which point Marko buys two tickets and leads me into one of the seats. An attendant comes over to help us secure ourselves, but Marko quickly stares him down, doing the job himself with efficiency.

Not too long after, we've reached a decent way off from the ground, our feet swinging gently in the air as we watch the Boardwalk from above, grinning and joking with each other as we take it in turns pointing out random individuals, making comments about them until the other laughs. At one point, the young vampire manages to spot David, Dwayne and Paul, making some sort of remark about how the leader's hair "looks like a pineapple from the top", before comparing the latter's to a mop. I do my best to hold back my laughter, but it only results in me nearly choking as he starts pointing out more and more likenesses between his friends and everyday objects, tears threatening to spill as I struggle to contain myself. It is only in this moment, that I realise one thing, but it takes me a couple more minutes to act on the thought that has sprung to mind.

Slowly, I pull off my left glove, teasing each finger out of their designated space with a deliberate hesitation, wriggling them a bit once I've exposed them to the air, enjoying the sensation of the light breeze around my heated digits. Marko makes a point of ignoring this, turning his gaze up to the star-strewn sky instead, only to snap his eyes back to mine when he feels a single finger touch the skin of his hand. Gingerly, I trace it over his knuckle, expecting to feel a rush of discomfort, my movements careful and calculated, knowing this is the first time in years that I've had deliberate contact with another person's skin. From my fingertip, it feels as if an electric shock has travelled through me, butterflies suddenly appearing in my stomach. Biting my lip when nothing bad happens, I continue this movement with the rest of my fingers, cautiously slipping my hand into his, enjoying the feeling of his icy cold palm against my warmed one, my eyes finding his shocked ones as our fingers intertwine. In them, I find a tonne of questioning, though he makes no move to actually ask, instead remaining quiet, carefully tightening his grip around my hand as he tries his best to feel as much of my soft skin as he can, the calluses from the handlebars of his bike rubbing slightly.

"What does this mean?" He eventually queries, elated that he can finally hold my hand without a glove being in the way.

"It means that I trust you. I've had no reaction to your contact, and I think it's because I enjoy being with you, and also because you've increased my confidence levels a lot since we first met. I've been trying to figure out why I'm ok with you touching me and no one else all day, which is why I was too preoccupied to work, but I finally worked it out." I inform him, telling him part of the truth - in reality, my trust goes a lot further than wanting a platonic friendship.

Marko is quiet for a moment, as if not quite understanding what I've told him.

"You trust me?" His voice is laced with disbelief, eyes fixing on mine again.

"I do."

Eyes widening again, he smiles, his other hand coming up, as if to try and wrap me in a hug, but the awkward positioning of the barrier, as well as the reminder of my usual discomfort, stop him in his tracks, his hand tightening around mine instead .

"I'm really glad you feel that way, (Y/n). Not many people do." He chuckles, referring to the naturally predatory air he gives off, being a vampire and all, still surprised that I let him touch me.

"I feel safe around you because I know you're my friend, but not many people can have the same claim." I point out, watching the view a little, enjoying the sight of the many glittering lights sprawled out before me, admiring the tiny orange specks of fires on the beach, as well as the rapidly moving headlights of a train passing through the outskirts of Santa Carla, most likely heading out towards the Bridge.

"Fair point." Marko agrees, still staring at our joined hands, which he continues to do until we reach the bottom of the wheel again, at which point he has to let go in order to remove the barrier from our laps. As soon as we're back on the Boardwalk, however, I slip my hand back into his, a small feeling of warmth welling up in me as I see the bright smile splitting his face, clearly happy that I've willingly made contact with him again.

A whistle behind us draws our attention, the sound belonging to a grinning Paul, who approaches us, along with David and Dwayne, who are both smiling at the sight of us, the latter more so than the former, though both seem glad to see their friend happy. As they come closer, I make eye contact with Dwayne, who lifts an eyebrow in questioning, a smirk making its way onto his face when I silently give him a nod, knowing he understands what it means.

I've fallen hard for the blonde vampire who's helped me get over my fear.