#I'd have some more if tumblr wasnt dumb

[girlcavalcanti]

parallels

[lakesbian]

Will you share your twig fanfic at some point? The lil snippets into their adventures are so entertaining

ok so so far i have. one chapter thats jsut like. a rewrite picking up right after 13.11 that's like "hey what if the way the conversation about jessie liking sy/sy putting up walls went Wasnt wildly homophobic and transmisogynistic." i think it's fine and probably about as edited as it's going to get. i'm trying to add to that at least one more chapter that's about like. The ensuing shitshow (good, funny) of sy being really bad and awkward about actually starting up the relationship with jessie bc hes nervouse. but i'm struggling with finding how to reasonably plotwise add a chase scene/the general shenanigans i want to fit in it so i'm worried i'm gonna get stuck there. the ultimate goal for it would be it being a 2 or 3 chapter affair max that ends in sy & jessie properly starting their relationship. if i get really horrendously stuck i might just post the first chapter alone but id like to try to believe in myself

i have a few other snippets that were just basically like me doing the writing equivalent of doodling like. the sleeping beauty one i posted on tumblr + one re the line abt sy gifting jessie the same pen twice by accident + one re my 'why arent cigarettes in twigland super cool and packed with all kind of random shit' complaint. the only other thing thats. I Guess Finished. is like a snippet re 'hey its fucking crazy that wildbow had jessie pose as sy's fiancee when they infiltrated an academy and it was just literally never talked about' that Spiraled. and now it's 3 consecutive longer scenes that are kinda about how i think jessie & sy should be stupid in love, and kinda about how i think we should kill wildbow for not writing jessie being the world's best most functional fit for sy's psychosexual fixations, and kinda about how i think helen should have a Weird dynamic with them, and kinda about how i think it's dumb that sy never gets to have a more developed/understanding relationship with helen despite spending months living with her as a young adult. realistically i should show it to people who are not my friends at this point but Maybe I'me Shy.

and i also wanna keep working on/finish one i started that's a rewrite/continuation of a scene during the black woods quarantine bit that's about like. their fucked up sad little 17-18yo old married couple with Mortality Imminent vibe. but i feel like i wanna go back to that After i finish the stuff that's chronologically earlier? because i started it first, and i think it helped and was fun as a 'where do they go' thing, but i dunno. i might want to get things more straight in my head with the earlier stuff first even if not everything has to be perfectly consistent with each other.

initially i was envisioning just having one fic i update with snippets in each chapter but the thing is that with snippets Spiraling i dunno how i'd post things. i guess the 13.11-> rewrite would obviously be its own thing, but i don't know if the one i mentioned abt the fiancee stuff would count as its own fic vs a snippets series or What. and i should also really before i post anything have someone who 1. has amenable taste and 2. has actually fucking read twig read it and provide thoughts on if anything should be shot before it makes it out of the carriage. but also i fear we have a milquetoast enough situation going on here that it's one of those things where it's a bit silly to go "here..... Critical Review, Please" because it's not Serious Enough writing 4 that. so maybe i should just post shit who's to say

[piereoglyphics]

DTIYS WINNERS!!!

Before I do this I'd like to thank those who drew something for my DTIYS, I love all of the work and it was so hard to choose between them. I'm glad I could make a place here on tumblr where I can share my art and my thoughts and mess around and be chaotic. I would never be able to host ANYTHING like this if it wasnt for any of my followers, or anyone whos ever reblogged my posts. Thank you.

Links to the artists original posts are in their placements and are underlined! Please check them out.

3rd place! @roselock22

I fucking love them both. They are so cool 🥺🥺 Cors dumb smile and Kai holding his little mug... they are both so precious. In the original scene they were in, they both actually had hot coco and I'm so surprisee this is here... And the fabric wrinkles are so cool??? I can never get them right. Cor's tail looks so fluffy, i want to squish it!!! Thanks so much <3

2nd place! @dontlookforme00

Hii!!! I love how you draw. The wrinkles never seem to excessive, and the lighting is pretty. The heatlamp is there only cuz Kai wouldn't help if there wasnt one /hj Kai looks likes hes bragging about how great he is and I'm here for it. Cor doesnt mind and listens anyways. I see you sneaking morro into all your art somehow... Seems like a Kai thing to do to keep that on him. AND. YOU HAVE THE HOT CHOCOLATE TOO?? This is sorcery.

1st place! @blazersparker

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!! You do so well with face shapes, and them smiling at each other omga.. 🥺🥺 Kai absolutely uses some old sports shirts as pajamas, and I adore the fact you put the little tree symbol on Cor's shirt. His tail is nice and fluffy. Just as it should be. The little lights strung up around them is so cute!! And I love Kai with long hair... such a good idea. I'd like to think Cor suggested the little hairclip because Kai's hair was falling into his eyes or something. And you included Cor's gloves too!!!

HONOURABLE MENTION:

@starwhipnspin

YOUR STYLE . IS SO BUBBLY AND CUTE. You can absolutely see the curls in Cor's hair, and the way you did the fire on Kai's pajama pants is so real. The background you did was so well done and RRAH . its just so pretty. You did Kai's hair so well too!! And i've never seen anyone give him blue eyes. Honestly, he looks great with them. Thanks so much for participating!!!

PLEASE DM ME FOR YOUR PRIZES!!!!! If you don't do so, I'll dm you first!!! You can DM me on Tumblr OR Discord (Piereoglyphics) so we can discuss what you'd like, or for easier communication depending on the one you'd prefer.

Here are the prizes as a reminder:

(I might actually do a little more than this if I feel like it, since I really appreciate all of your artwork!) <3

[justalilpearlie]

Sammy IRL rants abt sammike and the fandom. (not directed at any creators, keep it up sammike tumblr nation! /gen)

I wish the fandom knew more abt sammike and it wasnt always. with me forced into another existing character. like no im not the freddy bully, or the bonny bully, or the phone guy, im me.

Im henry's son. Samuel "Sammy" Emily

I sadly was an outsider to all the bullshit that went on in Hurricane agaisnt my own will. I wanted to know. I wasnt able to do anything about it. I didnt knew how Mike was doing for years. I WISH we had worked together! but that only can happen in a No One Dies timeline.

I just wish to be my own person in the fandom and not made a baby, because in some memories I was even OLDER than Charlie, and Mike was always around my same age! When I say we've known eachother our WHOLE lifes I mean it. When I first saw Michael's face I was probably under a year old. I cant remember because 1. IRL mems can be fuzzy and 2. most ppl dont remember things before age like 3 or 4, but I do know our parents were friends before we were even born, and we played together and attended each one of eachothers birthdays, we were best friends before lovers, childhood bestfriends.

When we grew up we had a fall out, because of his new friendgroup, which I'd join later on anyways (on a particular timeline. because yes i remember different contradicting timelines.), but before that I was always trying to impress him and them so I could spend time with them. When we did spend time together, at first theyd tease me for being the youngest, shortest and weakest, and he'd always go out of his way to defend me, help me when I got hurt trying to pull out some dumb trick to get their attention and a couple times even canceled hang outs with his friends when I was having some issues (wont go into detail, but wanna clarify it has nothing to do with my family, they were GREAT and whoever says Henry Emily OR his wife play favorites f u. that couldnt be more far from the truth.)

OH here's sum memories I love: Taking care of our little siblings (where theyre all fairly younger than us and we were way older than them in comparison. also no one dies au), taking them to the park, staying home with them when our parents went out on date nights, it was great honestly. we all loved staying in having ice cream in front of the TV with a fan (or more), while Fazbear and Friends was on!

Sorry yall, im going a bit loco. I uh. yeah anyways this is a sammike household, i 100% respect other ships but i dont wanna see them here, on this account, so like ik no one has yet but just in case if anyone wanted to know my opinion on other popular ships like jeremike or mike x the other bullies: sammike is better, i am 100% bias and i wont apologize. ive never been more comforted than I am by my boyfriend and seeing anything of us together. even when people get it wrong. SPECIALLY when people getting right [looking at one of my mutuals w the realest sammike takes ever] I JUST. i wont give my opinion on other michael ships, only will say "sammike for the win" and thats all.

Thanks for comming to my TED talk, sorry for the rant, it WILL happen again. most likely.

Sammike content:

[dawnowar]

I don't know what happened

I was doing really good cross posting everything to tumblr manually and then I just lost it after the rosstheboss night at milwaukee for some reason im not sure of.

Since then i had a week of rest and and then i went back out to see Ross in The Dictators and had an awesome day where I got to spend some time with him and got to eat dinner with him and the man known as Athenar from Midnight who it turns out is a big fan of Ross' which makes so much perfect sense to me because you can hear it in the guitar solos which I'm told he writes.

I fangirled over the two of them discussing gear even tho i dont know shit about whateverthehell they were talking about because it was just so cool i was in this conversation at all.

Saw The Dictators play with friends and had an awesome time.

My Metal neighbor and friend Chuck died suddenly for no real reason that weekend. Wasnt sick or anything. Just had a seizure even though he had no history of such things and his heart stopped and after paramedics worked on him and took him to the ER, he was brain dead so his family decided to let him go.

Been checking on his wife and doing what i can to help. Mostly by idk talking a load of bullshit i guess because i never know what to say but i think it at least provides some distraction which is probably helpful at least here and there. She is the kind of person you can't keep down and I know she will survive this but I'm not sure there's anything much harder than that to survive.

All this happened in the same weekend. I've known Ross personally for 19 years now so i guess that makes us old friends. And we talked about everything and things and people and getting older and I told him to go to the doctor.

I called my other two oldest friends and did the same with them too.

Then I went back to work on Monday where no one even said good morning to me forget about how was your awesome weekend with The Dictators you've had planned for forever? Because they dont know who The Dictators are and they don't care. And they didnt have a good weekend because they are miserable people so they dont care if i had a good one or not.

In the morning i didnt know how to answer someones question and everyone was on the phone so I told the guy I'd call him back. When I asked I was told that was dumb because this was simple and didnt warrant a call back. I assured him i gave the simple answer but i didnt know more specfiics the customer was asking so this did warrant a call back.

Went to lunch and the dizzy saleslady talked to someone i was waiting on a call back from, and she didnt read my notes to find out what they wanted and didnt give me the message when I came in that they'd called. I figured it out later and called her over and showed her where to look for my notes when someone calls for me so if its something easy she can just give them the answer.

Two hours later a guy calls asks for me and im on the phone. She tells him ill call him back. at 5pm. Shes gathering her belongings to go home and now i have to stay afterhours to call the guy back. I'm like did you look at my notes? It literally says i was calling because I sent him a link he needs to click to set up his autopay. You couldnt tell him to do that? I need to stay afterhours because you couldn't read my notes and tell him to click a link?

Suddenly the boss thinks its totally fine to call people back for stupid simple answers when this morning it was terrible customer service and he takes her side over mine because he's an asshole in general and picks fights with me on the regular because either he hates me and wants me to quit but doesnt want to fire me since he has no real grounds because my work is just fine and he just hates me because hes a joyless fuck who takes his stress out on me for some reason.

Or he just thinks this is a normal way to treat employees and expects thats fine that he treats me like this.

My fault probably because I've been putting up with this bullshit. I've been there a year and a half and hes been an asshole the whole time but its a good job for me in every other way or at least i believed that and I didn't put him in his place, because hes the boss. You dont win an argument when you arent the boss. So I just didn't argue.

Basically he randomly picks fights with me and I get mad and he says im "being irrational" because he doesnt understand that im being MAD and not even a little bit irrational at all and thats a super sexist dick thing to say and the only reason i havent CORRECTED HIM is because i was trying not to get fired.

Because if i said what i thought i would certainly get fired. But he doesnt listen to me anyway so theres no reason to say anything really. He has never listened to me ever about anything. I tell him theres pink mold in the bathroom he says there isn't. I'm like you can see it. and i cleaned the bathroom my damn self even though I am certainly not the janitorial staff. I tell him there are ants he says no there are no ants. I buy ant traps and get rid of the ants.

Anyway I spent my weekend in some existential thought with my oldest friends and people most important to me, and this motherfucker picks a fight with me over a thing there is no possible way I am wrong about.

and that was it. Life is too short to have a boss whos an asshole. I left and didnt go back. got my stuff the next day. bye fuck you asshole. youve ruined enough of my days. So ive been unemployed and looking for work since. I got a job offer yesterday so it took a week and a half.

No clue if my new job will be any good or not but i went in for the interview and it's beautiful in there and there was calm soft music and the guy who interviewed me was basically selling me on the job instead of the other way around. Told me they have almost no turnover but they are opening another location so they need new people. Asked why i left my previous job. I told him it was a personality conflict and i was just so unhappy there. He said he used to have a job selling financial products to insurance agents and they're all crazy. He may as well have put his arm around me and said, "it's ok baby, i got you". It felt like that. Sent me a job offer a few hours later. Pay is less, hours way different, commute is longer, but there's benefits. I had no benefits at that shitty job with that asshole for a boss who did nothing but make every day suck for me. I have so many stories of what a dick he is. He interviewed someone for my job a month or so ago. Because he never took the ad down. I was there a year and a half! He stopped buying the coffee i like too. If he wasnt trying to get rid of me he's just really shit at treating people like he wants to keep them. The longer im gone the easier it is to see that wasnt as good a job as it seemed from the outside. It wasnt even close.

It was hard. and complicated. It took me about a year to become competent. I was just starting to get good at it. He really should have seen that as valuable and that he should treat me well since he had such an investment of time and money sunk into me.

But he didn't. He never complimented me on anything ever. He never said so much as Good job about anything at any point. He was just an asshole if i did something wrong or sometimes even if i didn't. He'd go off on me randomly and I'd just say OK because i'm not going to argue. Because if I get involved in this I'm going to end up with no job because I'm going to tell him what I think.

So basically this is what ended up going down except i didnt even bother to tell him what i think of him because he doesnt listen to me anyway and i didn't feel like i needed to tell him what i think of him or anything at all. He's a joyless asshole under pressure to have a successful business and he's not doing it. Probably because he's an asshole and its a very people-person job.

He wanted me to handle everything. Even though I didnt know how and i'm not the business owner. He was mad about me directing customers to him. When they ask for him because hes the business owner. Good luck being successful dude. I'm out.

This guy who just hired me literally told me that if people are angry that wouldn't be my responsibility to handle. I'd get the manager for them. I'm like ??????????? really????????? because its been my job to get yelled at for my last two jobs now for about the last four years of my life. In fact, at some point during the pandemic it was literally my job for a month to let people yell at me for not receiving their furniture and once they calmed down giving them gift certificates. I did that for a whole month when I was really sick too. Probably the worst month of my life.

and i had some moment where i realized all this work trauma ive been through for the last four years and I just breathed and relaxed. and decided even if this guy didnt hire me and even if he was just talking a load of BS, becuase this asshole boss told me what a great manager he was in the interview too, it just felt so good to have someone on the outside tell me how a person should be treated as an employee.

Because thats not how i was being treated.

for years now.

and thats why i quit.

He gave me validation.

and a job i hope i like and can stay at for a long time.

Went to the funeral today.

Dude died, i quit my job, got a new job before the funeral. That was a big relief. I never thought i was making a mistake having quit but probably i should have looked for a new job first and then put my notice in properly but #1 fuck this guy i was done and #2 i didn't do that so here we are.

I spent the inbetween time kind of panicking that i'll never be able to get another new job ever because of the way I quit. But then also i worked for myself for 8 yrs before the pandemic and I loved it so its fine if i cant work for anyone ever again. I'm my favorite boss. it'll be ok. I just didnt want to go to all the trouble to set my business back up and look for clients again.

Having said that i probably have spent so much more time and energy looking for a job working for someone else. It's been awful. Job hunting is so demoralizing. and its even worse than that now I think because i got so many scammers trying to scam me while I'm just trying to look for some employer to not care that i left my last job suddenly because i cant get along with my boss.

but i got a job and i slept so much better last night than i have in the week and a half since i quit my job.

The details arent finalized so it may not be a done deal but just having a job offer at all is a weight off my mind. and i went to enjoy the funeral today. Thats not the right word. you dont 'enjoy' a funeral but i was able to be fully present at the funeral and have conversations with all these bereaved people who were mostly just in shock. All of them. I mean no one was expecting this and it really just seemed like no one had gotten past is this even really happening. I was in this room full of people who were in some surreal land inside themselves. I did what i could to talk to everyone but I'm not even sure what I was talking about and they didn't seem to care either. It felt like everyone was just glad everyone else was there.

Funerals all suck.

Theyre always weird and wrong and unsatisying but i think thats the place, at least for me in my limited experience, where you start to really come to terms with the fact that this person is gone. I think thats what theyre for.

Whats even weirder is that I had a tiki theme party to go to after. Which made the whole day even more surreal as i changed from funeral black to Hawaii and from sad to happy.

But the happy party after really made me feel normal in a way I havent now since he died in the first place. Just chatting with friends about things. Not existential things. Just normal things. Like things are normal.

Found myself referring to "my job" and meaning the old one. I dont know what my new job is like yet. I dont even know what days off I will or wont have coming up. Which i just realized may be an issue since people at the party were asking if i'm going to show up for things. i'm like yeah i have the day off work. and i remembered later i asked for the day off work with a boss i dont have anymore and a job i dont have anymore so i need to make sure the new boss is cool with giving me these days off up front or i'll have to find a differnt job i guess.

but i am very glad i have a job offer and I'm very glad i have happy friends and upcoming plans.

I need to cross post all my tumblr posts for the last four weeks i think give or take now. I didnt mean to stop doing it.

[mygladur]

guess its time for me to try and explain myself again

first off, I want you to know that I am trying to improve myself and move on from what I did. I cant express with words how much I regret it and how guilty I feel for causing this damage. I will have to wait until the end of summer to talk to a therapist unfortunately, but I am doing my best to improve on my own until then. I know I cant undo what I've done, but I can at least learn and try to improve myself based on my past mistakes.

I really have no excuse for lying about my age, it was a really bad move that I should not have done at all. at the time, I thought being hypersexual was a good reason for it, but it absolutely is not. being hypersexual does not excuse low impulse control.

the proship thing is what I regret most about this, and I understand why people cant forgive me for it. the best I can do is explain how I got into that, and why I've now changed my mind about proshippers. I had found myself in an echo chamber of sorts, where I was slowly convinced that proshippers "arent that bad" and that people who hate them are "just overreacting." I am very ashamed of myself for letting these beliefs get to me, but I can comfort myself with the knowledge that I am not like that anymore. I managed to get myself out of that mindset, and I now despise proshippers as much as the next guy. proshippers are disgusting. there are no "but"s that can change that. though, I am aware that even though I've changed, it wont undo the fact that I did have that mindset at some point. the regret of it will take a good while to leave me, but I'd say that's a good thing, because at least I am aware of how much of a mistake it was to let myself get into that mindset.

the reason why I kept bugging that minor about drawing lewd art of brulo was because I genuinely didnt know they were uncomfortable. I didnt pick up on the obvious signs that they were uncomfortable with it, and I thought their protests were just part of the joke. its not their fault at all, as I should've known better and picked up on the signs that they really didnt like this "joke." I've learned to be more careful with these kinds of jokes now, and to look out for signs of the person being uncomfortable. I feel terrible for pressuring them like that, and if they somehow find this and read this; I am so sorry for misunderstanding your discomfort.

I feel horrible about the way I treated johnny as well. I get very aggressive when Im having breakdowns, even though I dont mean to. but even though I didnt mean to do it, it still happened, I still treated him like shit when he was just trying to help me. I understand why people refer to my constant breakdowns as suibaiting, but I really did try almost every time. I always failed, either because I was a coward or because my method wasnt working at all, which is where the suibait belief comes from. that's not to shame people who believe it was suibaiting, because I get it. Im trying to figure out healthier ways to deal with these breakdowns, because I dont want to make someone feel like johnny did again. I cant imagine the stress my dumb complaining and aggressive behavior put johnny through, and I feel awful for making him feel that way.

the reason why I came onto tumblr under a new alias was because I wanted to keep sharing my art and dumb ramblings. I didnt expect nor want this blog to become popular, and I had already planned to delete it if that ever were to happen. I am not made for handling big fanbases, as I've seen other people who have similar problems to me lose touch with reality and misuse their fanbases in various ways, which I dont want. though, I now feel like I shouldnt try to be on social media at all until I fully improve myself, even if its just an account with no followers on a site no one uses. social media is most definitely turning back the improvement I've already made, so I shouldnt be on it until there is no risk of me going back to my old ways.

with this post, I am not asking for forgiveness. no one is obligated to forgive me, and I'll understand no matter the reason. I am simply trying to explain myself and apologize for the damage I've caused. I really hope that people will at least understand what Im trying to say, even if they dont forgive me in the slightest. and once again, I am so sorry to everyone I've hurt, and I hope that it didnt leave any long lasting effects on anyone. I hope you all have a great rest of your day, and thank you for reading.

Okay, hi, sorry for abandoning Tumblr, but something important came up that I need to share with the Tumblr side of the Fandom.

This account is ran by bagel, who if you don't know

- lied about their age to get into n/sfw spaces

- liked mauricexpeppino art and supported someone who was openly proship

- tried pressuring a minor into drawing lewd artwork of brulo from antonblast (this was before they revealed their true age which made it 5x creepier)

- treated me like garbage everytime I tried comforting them during their suibaits

All I can recommend is to block and move on, don't give them any attention 👍

[annthefool]

since i only have 3 oomfs from twt here (n I also assume they dont go on tumblr a bunch) ill just say some of the ideas for the art of the untitled logs I been keeping on my mind for a month now 🤧

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art direction wise: itll be very focused on stippling for the 'pictures' taken by the camera, since pictures look fuzzy n crunchy if you look hard enough, which will be interesting to do with a pen I gotten recently, a pilot 0.38. but for the other ways to go by the art and how it'll be done will be somewhat different. the 'pictures' will be in these rectangular boxes to signify they they were taken by a camera (though not too strict on that aspect since i dont want it to be the same rectangle) but if I'm drawing a character talking from memory it'll be very gestural with simple indicators to what a thing is. a single pen stroke for the hair, n will just look very clean. but if it's of a fight scene then that's where things get interesting.

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i will mainly use printer paper for the 'pictures' n other not very detailed or heavy handed works, but for a fight that needs that sort of reworking because of how I want it to look in the sketch, then the inks, and the (very very Very minimal) color placement will be more important. which i have more somewhat thicker paper I nabbed from school for another use but never got to. and regarding color, I've always been interested in the high contrast, inspired by pitch canker with the usage of reds black n white he does and haruko ichikawa, the mangaka of land of the lustrous. but how I'd intend to use high contrast is for something with a impact or the drama, shock of the sorts, with a whiteout pen for drawing very minimal detail. like if I want to emphasize the face or even the body, showcasing their strength or emotions while they're the black silhouette with the background being one solid color of white or red. but if i do want to draw all the pen strokes n detail then I'd wouldn't do the stippling, it'd be more reminiscent of BLAME! from tsutomu nihei, messy detail and most importantly: Cool as hell. it is the big inspiration for TUL anyway so why not go all out. i use crosshatching for my shading, so it may or may not work out? as crosshatching isnt very known to be Messy, moreso Perfect and Precise but ill manage.

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back to the very minimal color usage I said I'd do: why so? well it may have something to do back to pitch canker again and another visual style that is very much so Cool. at least to me.. let's say I want to emphasize a character bleeding out, ill only do black and white as i actually dont have many pen colors besides the ones I Stole from school or i was given to by my parents, and also cuz BLAME! god damn it! ill use a blue pen, if you're wondering. or a character has a color code in mind, if they feel like a Phosphophyllite cyan then ill use that color to assign them with.

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also. acrylic paint. that high contrast style I'd need to use a better paper for? yeah that's a big reason why, i only have blue Vermilion (because I'm DUMB and didnt realize it wasnt a good shade because walmart is SILLY) yellow black n white. obviously I need to make these drawings all in one thing so it wont be on a canvas. i described the idea I have for creating the one and only TUL book on twitter but I basically need the following: holepuncher, black n white paint, wire, scissors, ceral box, and the Prayer i have if i actually get far into making the untitled logs in the first place. itll be a book all compiled of the loose leaf, printer and slightly better papers all given 5 holes (I don't trust loose leaf with only 3) with maybe 130 pages. 100 pages isn't actually that much if you're making many different scenes in a span of 2 or 3 logs with 10+ drawings in there so, it'll be a moderately ok size for a handmade book made from paper and a ceral box with black paint on it.

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that's the end of the more physical work needed for TUL, and my thought process really (i felt very rambly). thank you.

[i17iskillingmylife]

it's been a few days since i went up here. ive been informed that its kind of telling the extent to which im touched like deeply in my heart over the boring ugly ass places i spend my time but like lets be real here most people are basically on some hot mindless bullshit vis a vis beauty like youve got people talking about like. fucking. what. literally the most boring shit ever like just incapable of forming a single relationship with anything theyve ever seen unless they've been given the wordless "okay" for it from the world at large like people wear fucking makeup and shit. thats whats really gay i think.

theres a circle of nothing around the facility just boxing you in same way the heat does you know, which makes sense because no one wants to live around this place for the same reasons no one wants to live by an airport or a cemetery or anywhere drugs are produced in significant numbers, all of which they also do out here btw. lol. anyway it's a chain; youre contained first by the heat then by the machinery and then by miles of space, empty space not even horse trails or makeshift shooting ranges or nothing like that. you dont come out here you know theres no lights.

anyway personally i think there's a lot to be said for walking on something huge and hollow. i'm pretty significantly underweight and shorter than the average adult male even though thats what i am and i wasnt expecting the metal underneath me to cave but it did. nothing gave way of course but there's something interesting about the feeling of the "ground" literally caving in under your feet. im vaguely conscious that i should be afraid of this, but that's just another sensation.

the lights are off color here but your presence makes every one of them feel like a halo shining down. i dont make a habit of thinking about or expressing my feelings but sometimes i do feel them and i think you're a dumb bitch for asking any more of me than that

churning and gurgling under the dented metal beneath my feet is laid over by the dull roar of the fans. the wind blows and from what cant be less than five stories above the ground i look down and watch him move. it's always fascinated me the way clothing can frame a body; he looks different than he did before. i'd smile but i don't feel like it. thats okay though

used to spend a lot of time thinking about places like this and the consequences of spending lots of time in them. i want to get my fingers into places like this even if it pinches and burns. now's a really good time for us to split a cigarette you know. sit down a minute. 20$ says you wont see more than 7 or 8 cars on the road going through here the whole time we're up watching. it's got to mean something to someone but im honestly just cool hanging out with you. no big deal yk i just dont get out that often anymore so i get sentimental real easy like its so gay.

so yeah slickdirk. this is a little rambly and shit im not apologizing here just like giving a warning im typing this up inthe library after an early early morning /late late night shift cuz the electric in my unit is off and its hot as ass in there so fuck that basically. anyway

before i say anything more of course ive got to specify that i'm totally riffing off of tumblr user @youabandonedthem for my slick characterization here. but honestly it doesn't feel like characterization it's more like dear beloved sweet yat has the only meaningful understanding of slick anyone has ever had in the world like i mean come on look at that fucking blog youre kidding me and also stupid as fuck if you think thats even an interpretation of the character its just straight up factual. jackass. anyway im all over it hope its ok to namedrop you here dont be a stranger and all that.

similarly shoutout to dear beloved sweet @ottiliere for her dirk characterization which is similarly the only dirk that could possibly matter to me like most of everyone else who posts about him seems to have just not read homestuck some of the people writing meta about him even just have no grasp on ANY of the characters if were being real here but thats way off topic anyway otti owns i dont usually give a shit about aus but if its good its good and if you deny it youre nothing basically.

i dont think anyone has given love to tmc the way yat does and i don't think anyone has really put their heart into making weird niche homestuck art the way ottiliere does (at least not in this era like ive been OVER this before if youve ever talked to me we are living in a post-post-homestuck society). which makes sense because the vast majority of modern fans (of anything) are altogether much more boring breed. no plumage or patterns or anything fun. but thats another thing. and also overly pessimistic of me but whatever i feel like if someone reads that and feels like theyre being called boring its because they know somewhere that theyre boring and missing out and maybe thats their wakeup call to start getting silly with it. or maybe no one cares i dont know i dont give a shit.

anyway the intitial interest in slickdirk was generated pretty specifically in the context of the two of them being psych warded together. typically this prospect alone would be like harlequin novel parody fanfiction type shit such that i wouldnt have any interest in it, but this was different from the get go on the basis that their interactions were never initially about romance.

dirk is self aware to the point of walking backwards. he's self obsessed, self conscious, hyperfixated-in the true sense-on how he presents himself. like all people like this, he's also constantly telling on himself. i'm speaking in terms of canon and otti's dirk here btw, this is true of both fundamentally. in terms of otti's vision specifically, though…it's dialed up, right.

people who think about themselves like this are inherently isolated from other people because, regardless of how they feel about themselves, they're very convinced they're better than everyone else. being in an institution full of other sick people can spur this line of thinking regardless of how untrue it is; once you've decided you're above the rest of the BRAINBROKE FREAKS around you, it's hard to even start to empathize with any of them! if you look back at some of otti's older posts you can kind of feel the extent to which dirk doesn't want jackshit to do with nothing going on in the hospital like just obviously has no interest in participating or anything like that in any capacity.

slick on the other hand like. really i can't write any of this without referencing yat's house essay about the midnight crew watching house and specifically spades slick watching house and how he would feel about it. forget everything i just said and go read that and then come back. okay so he obviously thinks about himself and his body and very specifically his disability in such a way that he is basically completely unaware of it in spite of living with it day to day. if you know what kind of guy im talking about here you know but also im going on good faith here assuming you read the youabandonedthem papers so even if you dont KNOW you should at least have kind of an idea what im referring to here.

the big draw between these two is that they're both in completely different subtypes of denial about themselves to vastly different effects. of course they'd be drawn to each other in this scenario…they're literally the ONLY NORMAL people in the whole building uhh have you seen the other guys in here. lol like what even.

and the thing is that even following up the initial theorized meeting in the ward, like, there's all this potential for what could come after…don't get it twisted this isn't some edgy folie a deux that im suggesting that would be so boring.

they're more than "bad for each other" even if they're not quite "good for each other" either. it isn't about an endgame or even necessarily "shipping" as a lot of people think of it. it's more like…the ways their differences and similarities line up feel aligned, even though it wasn't intentional, the same way some moments just feel "right". it isn't about how long the moment lasts or what its impact is, just that there was a moment where there wouldn't have been one if even a few tiny things had shifted. life is comprised of shit like that right. so when something like slickdirk comes along you can either balk at the absurdity of it or ride the wave.

orjust like passively observe thats an option too of course. no big deal it could literally never ever be a big deal im literally just out here trying to have fun trying to make myself laugh yk.

[crackerqueen-ineedsleep]

in like august or something i sent lorel a very rambly ask about blogverse. well im doing it again because it was such a big thing in my life and i loved it so much.

it is i, roleplayer of bv!shandy/shando, bv!digi/mercury, and the very first lorelcest ship kid; oleander. There's more, but those were the ones i remember clearly. to this day i regret deactivating those blogs, mostly due to all the lost memories. it brought me so much joy. looking back, it was definitely my hyperfixation at the time.

the summer of 2020 (holy shit almost 3 years ago) and i think early into the start of online school, i watched from the sidelines as blogverse grew. every day i watched my little people in the screen. I wasnt much younger but i was still a cringe little tumblr kid having a shit time in school. and then i realized that i could just join. i didnt need permission or anything, i could just make a blog from the get-go and become one of them.

and thats how blogverse shandy was born. my very first tumblr blog, and the one that made me stay. (actually, idk which of them was the first)

i'm still pissed at myself for clearing out my google drive because i used to still have the shitty pictures i drew on my computer of them, due to the fact my ipad was broken at the time. those shitty little pictures were what kept me interested in art (they didnt make me better, i was trash through and through, but they're what sparked my interest and led me to get better). i treasure the old fanart i find in their tags when i go through the ruins of blogverse.

They didn't really have a fleshed out personality or backstory. they were "weird and quirky" one moment, then straight up violent the next. this was mostly because i had no prior experience at actually fleshing out characters. though, i think their "wild card"ness somehow became their personality in the end. i was still some cringe little kid who thought i was a genius at writing because i had this little guy in my computer who lived in a void and had a cat and atattchment issues.

but holy shit i loved them. i used to think about them like a real flesh and blood person. i'd spend long nights roleplaying with others and long days talking to myself about my plans for them and then totally abandoning them moments later. i drew them poorly and decided i was a master of character design. they felt like a part of me.

i had no idea how tumblr worked but it was so much fun. bv digi, bv shandy, and oleander were 3 separate blogs because i didn't even know side blogs were a thing. bv shandy was deactivated several times due to minor issues that could've been fixed with the press of a button.

then came oleander, who i kind of had an idea for. they were a snotty little motherfricker who i absolutely adored being. it started as a joke and then it wasnt a joke anymore and they were a fully fledged character. i got bored quick though, and their blog went inactive soon. i hate their design to this day, and in the morning i'll probably redraw them.

there was also bv digi, whose entire personality was being a little weirdo who kidnapped ship kids at random just be-fucking-cause. they might've actually been the first blog i dont remember. anyway, they had the normalest design and the least art. i loved them with my whole fucking soul.

they made no sense and were generally shitty but that was the best thing to ever happen to me i think. bv introduced me to tumblr where i'd meet so many amazing people and see so many hilarious and sometimes eye-opening posts. it got me into art, writing, and roleplay, my 3 biggest hobbies to this day. it was a hyperfixation i leaned on to cope with the mild distress that just came with being alive and a dumb kid in 2020. my very first 'real' blog was made after bv's fall, and i met one of my longest mutuals bc she wrote a lorelcest fic.

I think back on it as the good old days, nostalgic even. Blogverse was my pride and joy, what i'd go do after a day of suffering in school or do when i retreated to my room. When it died so did my hyperfixation, but now looking back it meant so fucking much to me and was arguably my strongest interest and maybe even coping mechanism.

sure, it deprived me of sleep and sometimes food because i was so caught up with it, but it made me happy. all's well that ends well, right?

and i still am a dumb kid (Older Edition, yay), but even when i'm a dumb adult i'll never forget blogverse. BV was my pride and joy that summer. Thank you for being its accidental ringleader, and i know its wacky to say, but without bv i would be a different person.

:]

KSDJEKFKEKC AAAAAAAAAAAAA-

BICH U GONNA GET ME ALL TOUCHY AND FEELY

I'm so surprised yet happy that there's still at least one person that remembers BV! It was a lot of work to run so many blogs but I'm happy to know that it was worth it. BV means a lot to me aswell :)

[koifishanonymous]

it wasnt even anything major that makes me annoyed at them it's just that they say shit like "omg if you believe xyz theory then obviously you do NOT understand [character (it's always aziraphale)]'s arc or motivations 🙄" and they always take EVERYTHING in bad faith.

this post in particular was prompted when i saw a post saying we should chance ineffable bureaucracy's ship names because 'it was stupid' and 'made no sense' and 'what's bureaucracy anywyas'

and like ik it's not a big deal, and canonically, it does not makes sense because both beelzebub and gabriel arent bureaucrats anymore but like cmon guys do you guys not like. have fun with shipnames. putting two names after the others isnt the same....

and some have some weird thing again calling the ineffable divorcees (aziracrow lmao) ineffable husbands because 'they're not male' but like cmon, if youre truly trying to overcome language gender stereotypes you would call them ineffable wives/husbands/spouses interchangeably and also like. we've been using ineffable husbands for idek how long it can be gender neutral if we want it to be 😭😭

and like maybe it's because i'm more on tumblr but words like wife, husband, gf, bf etc have lost all semblance of gender to me

anyways sorry for the rant not all of them are bad or anything, i'd just like to have the trio of ineffable now-divorcees-soon-to-be-husbands/ineffable bureaucracy/ineffable lackeys a bit too much

tl;dr -> theyre a bit too dumb and pretentious and they just don't match my vibes lol

i hate goodomenstwt

[yibo-wang]

thank you for the tag hanyi @leonzhng some of these are highly embarrassing but I was young and dumb 😂

New tag game: post pictures of your first ever (fictional/celeb) crush to the latest one and tag five others to continue the game

Also I agree with you, sometimes I cant distinguish if it's a crush or just a fav character so I'll merge them both.

Under the cut because 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

In a sorta chronological order:

Trunks (dbz): fhjf ig Trunks was my first ever crush lol, but yeah looking back now i think i have a thing for characters with swords.

Videl (dbz): went back to watching dbz again and yeah she was definitely my bi awakening even if I didnt know what that was then

Fawad Khan: this was when my cousin got me hooked on humsafar, I got to see him from afar tho and ig that invoked the crush feelings more ??

Harry Styles: ah yes the 1d era, lasted for a really long time I'm pretty sure it's still there.

Bucky Barnes: also one of the longest crushes, Bucky is just I really really love Bucky. Comic Bucky was my first intro of him and then catfa came and like the way sebastian stan portrayed him👌👌 I'm pretty sure it wasnt even a crush (it was love)

Jhope: (I forgot to add the picture) but Jhope was my fav (still is) from bts. Literally a ray of sunshine and I love him so much!

Taehyung: bias wrecker fjfk, but this was after I watched Hwarang and I really loved his character

Alec Lightwood: ahhh I loved Alec in the novels and watched the show for him too. Mathew Dadario played him so well, also archery is incredibly sexi

Isabelle Lightwood: ngl I didnt have a crush on her until the show because have you SEEN HER IN THE SHOW?!!

Castiel: Cas is more of a favourite than a crush but damnit am I not in love with baddass warriors who would do anything for humanity (*cough* dean *cough*) but anyway this antisocial, terribly awkward, extremely hot with an angel blade, literally an angel, you really cant blame me for it

Charlie Bradbury: I think charlie was the first openly lesbian character I'd ever seen in a show (when I actually started to understand stuff) and I'm extremely bitter over how they killed her off but Charlie was such a nerd and a genius and just kind and funny and badass and yeah I love her

Healer: my first kdrama I think?? But yeah he's very hot fifkf

Kang song joo (dr. Romantic): I think it was extremely sexi how he knew his stuff. That scene from the show where he's practicing doing the stitch in under a minute 👀👀👀

Jackson Wang: I blame sdc because it showed me what a huge dork this guy is and I am weak for dorky guys who are skilled at what they do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Seulgi (red velvet): okay but with seulgi, I saw a picture of her on tumblr and one of my moots introduced her to me and then it was just me listening to her music and watching dance videos all night long. She's really really pretty!

Lee Joo Young: I watched itaewon class and loved her acting. She's so cute and tiny 🥺💛

Earn (2gether): lesbiearnnnn let's go! Earn is definitely my second favourite after TineWat. She's just, I love her alot.

Yoongi: a babie but also the duality of this man.

Bright Vachirawit: putting how he is extremely attractive aside, bright is such a kind soul and literally the sweetest. I really wish the world treats him better, he deserves so much love 🥺💛

Wang Zhoucheng: finishing the untamed, I did not realise what a dork this guy was irl. His douyins are so cute and I am still not over the Harry Potter one like wzc??!! Cutie certified 10/10

Xuan Lu: I think we've established that I want her hand in marriage

Wen Qing: I forgot to add her picture but Wen Qing can step on me okay? Like I would so anything for her no questions asked. Miss Doctor Boss Lady can do anything.

Wei Wuxian: SUNSHINE PERSONIFIED. SEXY FLUTE BOY. ABSOLUTE GENIUS WHO HAS ZERO BRAINCELLS!

Xiao Zhan: 💖💛💜🧡💙🐱

Yibo: alright so in this essay i— fjfkg everyone knows my love for him so I'll just finish this off here 😂

tagging: @gremlinmetawin @purplexedhuman @morksuns @candicewright @nyx4 @wei-gege @veronaprincess @aheartfullofjolllly @manhasetardis (if you want to 💛 djfjf ik childhood crushes can be embarrassing lmao XD also ik hanyi tagged some of you but I'd love to see yours hehe)

[tac-confessions]

Hi, I'm Hawkii, one of the few curators of the team of bga. I have a few things I wanna say. And one of those is an apology. I've recently stepped down for the second time. I've been selfish, and not taking my actions seriously. Some things said here is a bit sensitive and may be triggering I just want to say what's been going on, what I've done, and why I'm not a good person at all. My health has not been the best, mentally and physically. I'm not gonna be on much in the amino. I don't like getting into what Ive done but I do need to apologise because as someone who is special to many people in the community I see it I have to be responsible, and that I need to carry on with this. I can't hide or play victim, I'm turning 18 in a couple of months from now and I know that many young people see me as a inspiration and that I can do no wrong. Just because I'm a "great" artist, that I too can make poor decisions and mistakes.

About few months ago(not too long ago, just about 4-2 months ago as I remember it) on warriors amino(big one) that I stumbled across a post meaning to talk about the political votes and I wanted to express why the team would of probably not wanted it to be talked about way too often especially in a public post. I've said some things pretty dumb of me, it was 3am and I really wasn't thinking and wording at the time wasnt the best for me. Even so, when I'm really tired I know not to speak about things because ik I'll always get myself into trouble. Now politics is a big issue, human rights is an issue, and so much more is a big issue. I never meant to say it was an opinion. But there are people who are ignorant and will be biased on these issues, that's what I meant. Because there's always that one person who would want to argue or be trolly and get everyone pissed off. what I was trying to express is that it makes some people uncomfortable, and to know what the two old men who are running for president has done in the past is really disgusting. Trump and biden are completely not the best people, and are truly disgusting people. But I see it as that the best choice would have to be biden. Even so, not what I'm talking about here. What I was trying to say here wasn't what I said in the comment, and I apologise for what I done.. it's really embarrassing and even for someone who is in a big community it's my responsibility to come forth with my own actions.

I also want to apologise, for something else. My mental health and physical health is really frustrating me rn. I have a niece, and I was forced out of my own room so my brother and his wife can take it over with their child. My brother has done a lot of things to me in the past that I can never forget, and I don't even want to talk about it. With the hate leading towards the staff team in the bga, I was scared that if I did something wrong that sooner or later it would be on me and I can't take that hate right now because I have no where to put my anger on. My depression has been getting worse the past few months to the point I'll pass out because I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't talk to anyone what was going on with me because I thought it would feel like attention seeking, that no one would understand me, and much more. I'm getting sick, and it's not healthy for me and anyone that I'd choose to stay a curator.. I see it with the following I have that many young people look up to me as an inspiration, a friend, and a family and I definitely don't want to let anyone in the community down. I brought it here because this shouldn't be on a platform for children to see and they don't deserve to see what I truly am.

I can be selfish, manipulative, and so much more and I hate myself for it. I never won't to put someone in a situation that I'll make them responsible for my mental health Because at the end of the day. It's my fault on why I'm here now, I really want to apologise that when I first left the team that I came back only to do nothing to help at all. No one talked about it of course, or mentioned it, but I've seen the person I become and knew that I was incapable of being apart of the team. All I seemed to do was just join public chats and make jokes, and do nothing at all to help with the team. Wether you all choose to hate me or not for the kind of person I turned out, I still need to apologise.

I love you all, and I must thank you for reading this. I do hope to come back as a changed person and not be as sad as I am right now. You guys have helped me a lot and I feel sad that I didn't thank you all for being there. I know some people here will likely forgive me, but please. Even if I came out about it, my actions still can't go unpunished which is why I stepped down. No one demoted me and no one is to blame for my own actions but me.

Thank you for reading this, and I love you. If you need anything or want to tell me anything I'm still on the amino app, I won't post a lot or message instantly. But I will get there when I can💕

Btw I still don't know how to work tumblr-

ilysm hawkii

It was very brave of you to dip into some of these topics and come out and tell us instead of holding it all in to yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a text on amino or discord (Bex#4615)

- Mod V

[lovehelpmewrite]

The People Who Love You [1]

A/N: This is very angsty, there's a lot of abuse!triggers, rape!triggers and the like. I was really in the mood to angst so yeah. Please enjoy at your own risk, triggers and angst ahead. Also, I didn't originally intend for it but its going to be 2 parts because tumblr only allows 100 blocks I guess... I don't know the word count because I'm on mobile, and I'm hoping my keep reading works but sorry if it doesn't. Its un-beta-d, and unedited and un-spell-checked, so all mistakes are mine. Anyways, read on.

"Yeah? Seriously? That's insane. Yeah. Yeah of course! Yeah I'll let him know. Thanks Sam. Yeah, you too. See you in a bit." I hung up the phone feeling happier than i'd been in a long while. Sam had called, asking for help on a werewolf out in Nevada. When he'd asked if I was still with Tyler I assumed thats who he really wanted on the case but I was excited to see them either way.

I walked out into the living room, seeing Tyler on the couch with a beer in hand. Out of reflex I grabbed another and set it next to his feet on the coffee table. He smiled in return.

"You're too good to me," he said, giving me he full attention for a few seconds before turning back to the TV.

"So, uh, Sam Winchester called. He and Dean have a case out in Nevada they wanted our help on. Werewolves. I told them we'd check it out, what do you think?" I asked quietly.

Tyler let out a deep sigh and I turned my eyes to the corner of the coffee table.

"I think," he paused, taking a drink of his beer, "that you should have asked before you went saying yes. And that I don't like those Winchesters, too fucking uptight, and Dean always stares at you." He threw an annoyed look my way before letting out another deep breath and finishing off his beer, getting ready to open the second.

"When do they want me?" He asked, tossing the metal cap onto the table. I watched as it skidded and slid of the edge onto the floor.

"ASAP. I told them we could be out there in a few days," I answered timidly.

Tyler let out another sigh of annoyance.

"Well, go back a bag, we'll leave tomorrow and I don't want to have to wait for your sorry ass to finish up."

I nodded and stood quickly, walking into the back bedroom and shutting the door softly. I let myself smile as I packed, enjoying the thought of seeing old friends again.

- - -

"Tyler, Y/N, good to see you," greeted Dean, pulling me in for a hug that made Tyler frown. Even so, I hugged Sam as well, enjoying their familiar embraces.

"So, where are you guys staying?" Sam asked, hands shoved in his jeans pockets.

"The Historian, on Gibson by the diner," I answered, unable to stop the smile on my face as I spoke.

This only seemed to annoy Tyler further. Quickly he drew an arm around my waist and pulled me to him.

"Yeah, she wanted to make sure we had a good view," he joked, Sam and Dean laughing as I cringed, remembering how upset Tyler was that the neon sign from the diner was visible through our window.

"You know me, only the best," I added.

Everyone laughed but I could feel Tyler's fingers on my ribs like knives.

- - -

"To a hunt well done," Dean toasted, plinking his beer bottle against mine and Sam's. We all drank and shared a small smile, me ignoring the fact that Tyler was dancing with some girl on the dance floor.

"I gotta ask," Sam said suddenly, after several tense moments. "What's with your boyfriend?"

I flicked my eyes momentarily at the girl grinding on him before turning on my stool to face solidly at the bar.

"He's just dancing, its fine," I said monotonely.

Sam and Dean shared a look.

I absent mindedly pulled my flannel sleeves down to cover the hand mark Tyler left from this morning, when I had taken too long to get ready so he gripped me by the elbow and shoved me at the door. My shoulder still stung but I could blame that on the werewolf at least.

"What thhe fuck?" Dean said suddenly. I looked at him oddly until he pointed out a still healing bruise on my sternum, visible with my shirt unbottoned. "What is that, Y/N?"

Nervously I shoved my shirt to the side so it wasnt visible anymore.

"Haven't you ever heard of a hickey, Dean?" I laughed anxiously, sipping my beer and hoping he'd let it go. He didnt.

"That's no hickey. Did he hurt you?" Dean asked seriously, his voice low.

"What?! No! He wouldn't! It... it was my fault. I was carrying the laundry basket and not watching where I was going and he accidentally bumped it into me a little hard. Its nothing," I shrugged it off.

It was from the laundry basket, from when he shoved it at me hard enough to leave a mark. "To remind me of my place," he said.

Sam and Dean just eyed me cautiously as Tyler came back from the dance floor.

"Hey babe, lets go, I'm beat," Tyler said.

I went to argue that i wanted to stay with Sam and Dean but I knew better than to speak out in public.

"Okay. See you guys later," I said, Tyler pulling me quickly away and out of the bar.

He yanked me out into the alley and shoved me against yhe grime covered bricks, pressing kisses to my neck and chest.

"Come on baby, lets do it right here," Tyler said, unbuttoning my flannel quickly.

"Ty, no, lets just go back to the motel," I said, gently pushing at his hands on my body.

"Come on, it'll be hot. You can scream for all the bar to hear," he continued, going for my jeans.

"Ty, I said no, stop it," I said more forcefully, shoving him off me.

He stood a foot away, bewildered for a moment while blood rushed in my ears. Suddenly his hand came fast and heavy against my cheek, knocking my head to the side. I held it in shock as it heated up. Tyler seemed to be gauging my reaction to it which was fear.

He sprung forward again and spun me around, pressing my shoulders against the cold brick as he undid my jeans.

"When I say I want to fuck you, I mean it you dumb prude bitch," he growled against my hair.

I stood, helplessly pressed against the bricks as he yanked my jeans and underwear down and pulled my hips back.

The only indication I gave that I felt him was the shutter as he slid into me. My whole body was numb, the slight rocking the only thing keeping me grounded.

When he was done, he came onto the ground and pushed my hips forward in disgust, making me stumble into the wall.

"Come back when you're ready to be an obedient whore," he spat, pulling up his jeans and walking away.

I felt the shake in my hands as I slowly pulled up my underwear and struggled to button my jeans. I let myself lean against the wall a moment, pressing cold hands over my eyes and smearing tears I didn't know I was making.

I sucked in a deep breath, cleared my face and stared dead ahead. Just another day.

- - -

I realized quickly I didn't want to go back to him so soon. I didn't want to seem that desperate for him. In a spur of the moment I walked to Sam and Dean's motel room, knocking on the door before I remember deciding to. Sam answered.

"Y/N? Whats up?" He asked, voice gentle and slightly tired.

"Hey, sorry to bother you guys, me and Tyler had a little fight so I just wanted to shower here for tonight if thats okay?" I asked timidly.

"Yeah! Yeah sure, whatever you need," Sam replied, letting me in immediately.

Dean was sat up on the bed reading something when he looked up and smiled at me.

"Hey, what're you doing here?" He asked, closing the book to give me his full attention.

"Just need a shower, me and Tyler had a fight," I explained. Dean grinned.

"Finally. You should really dump that douche bag," he commented, standing and walking over to his duffle bag.

"No... we just need ti work some stuff out. I dont know where i'd be without him, he's such a better hunter than me," I said absently, not thinking twice about the words coming out of my mouth.

Sam snorted behind me, Dean sniggered.

"Sure, okay Y/N," Dean said sarcastically.

"Really, I would have died on half my hunts if he hadn't been there," I tried, more to convince myself than them.

"You're ten times the hunter he is, he can barely shoot a sawed-off. But whatever you say, sweetheart. Enjoy your shower," Dean grinned, handing me one of his shirts and a pair of boxers.

As I stood under the steaming hot water and scrubbed my skin raw, I replayed what the boys had said. How could I possibly be a better hunter than him? All he talks about is how much easier it would be for him to do his job if I wasnt around.

I shook off the thought and went back to scrubbing at my thighs viciously.

- - -

I walked out in Dean's oversize Metallica shirt, picking at one of my cuticles, mulling over my options very carefully.

"He hits me sometimes," I mumble, watching Sam and Dean scrunch up their eyebrows before looking at me.

"Huh?"

"Did you say something, sweetheart?"

I turned my eyes up, forcing myself to back eye contact.

"He hits me sometimes," I said again.

I watched as Dean's jaw set and Sam's face turned to stone.

"Not often. I mean, not really anyways. Sometimes its worse than others, especially if he's been drinking," I said, finishing the sentance looking at the ratty carpeting as the nights memories came back.

"Its usually my fault anyways, I take too long, or I forget the laundry, or I get him the wrong beer," I added, trying to justify it in my head again. My face scrunched up as his words came at me as they always do.

"You'd be nothing without me. A dead whore in a ditch somewhere. You're lucky I'm here to teach you."

"He's dead," Dean said simply.

I jumped forward quickly.

"No, dont!" I said, gripping his arm tightly as he stood. "Its fine, I can handle it," I added.

Dean's hand came slowly up to my face and I winced as his fingers ran over the spot where Tyler had slapped me.

"You dont have to," Dean said quietly.

"I love him," I replied, eyes closed. Dean let out a slow breath and stepped back from me.

"Then you better get back to him," he said sharply.

"Dean," Sam interjected, eyebrows creased in disapproval.

"No, if she loves him she can head back to his room, and when he hits her again we'll come pick her up because thats what people who love you do," Dean spoke, eyes sharp and jaw set.

I stared at him a moment longer, my throat tight before I slowly grabbed my things and opened the door. I gave one last glance to Sam whose eyes were wet with unshed tears.

I shut the door behind me and let a few tears of my own fall before I made my way back to Tyler.

- - -

I woke up to the sound of beeping next to my head and throbbing in my ribs. I groaned as I turned my head, my neck stiff and sore as well.

As I looked around at the pale green walls and the bright florescent lights, I recognized the beeping as an EKG.

I panicked, trying desperately to sit up and pull out my IV's until a nurse came in.

"Sweetie, you need to relax, you're pretty banged up," she spoke, gently pushing my shoulder back and readjusting the IV tube on my arm.

I tried to relax, looking up to the ceiling and taking deep breaths to try and stop the tears burning in my eyes.

"Good news is your boyfriend's here, said he was worried when he found out you fell down those stairs. I'll send him up," the nurse spoke kindly, patting my hand before walking out and closing the door behind her.

My throat closed up painfully, tears falling back into my hairline as I thought about Tyler seeing me after what he'd done last night.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:04pm. Stumbled on this post.

Funny how a month and a week later, the feelings didnt change.

This time, instead of us becoming FWBs, or whatever I did with him on this specific day, I got the courage to leave.

Since he didn't want to be around me anymore. And the relationship wasnt giving me the things I knew I wanted.

Several things broke the camel's back. :/

I brought up Valentines Day when we were walking his dog. He barely acknowledged it. But then again, men tend to care less about the holiday, I've noticed. Awkward silence continued..... In my head, I went, "That's all the sign you need." Since eventually the "ask and you shall receive" concept is one sided. Since if he really wanted to do that with me, I'd never have to ask.... I'd just.... know. Or he would ask. Nothing happened.

I almost had sex with him on the last day we had hung out, but didn't. Not since he wasn't attractive, (he looked especially nice that day,) buuuut.... I thought long term, nah, not worth it. It'll be like the other time, where the sex felt nice enough, but i still felt an odd sort of emptiness after it. Since sex, cuddling, staring at his face, and walking around his block a few times before him driving me home with music playing is nice.... But, never guarantees affection, a text back, and whatever. So for this time, it was, "If he does give me head, I will inevitably orgasm with enough power that I could feel like running a mile afterwards, but then will probably feel the urge to give him a blowjob.... And either I'd be an asshole and say "no reciprocation", or be a dumb bitch, and let a man that does not love me leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, (ha, a double entendre,) and unread messages again." Sooooo.... no head. *breaks my skateboard.*

Driving back to my place, I realized that as nice as the hangouts were, it would be the same shit over and over. Platonic hangouts where he'd sit super far and not touch me or talk as much, or sex. Too..... odd. Nice, but not great. Its the difference between receiving three scoops of ice cream in a banana split with all your favorite flavors, and being given a melted banana split that someone else didn't finish, that was sitting in the sun for an hour.... Sure, you can still enjoy it, but you cant remake it into how good it was before.

And then later that night, I asked, out of pure desperation and also boredom, mixed with guilt at the idea of handing him a 12 page MLA format essay on why I think he's a (insert string of bad words here), if he wanted to fuck tomorrow after he gets out from therapy. "Possibly", he said.... "Do I really need to get my hopes up, at a maybe? And all for some dick? That I don't want? Yeah, no. I've gotta end this. Grab your shit and finish the note, lets go."

And then the final test, which was more of just asking for a kiss; not something that would change the end result very much.

He said "No, not really."

Cool. I respect that. Hugged him, and left. I felt like hell when he said, "Well, I'll see you later!" And the way he seemed to smile or blush when he received the letter..... I guess he expected a heartfelt love letter, with four pages of things I liked about him, or something.

I have a tumblr for a reason. To make entire essays about why I like (or maybe slightly tend to loathe) him around.

I wasn't gonna give him a love letter. I only do those to people who I actually want to stay in my life.

So far, no exes have received love letters. Only "I hate you, and I am leaving" texts, or "you r cute but i hate u, deuces" paragraphs before i block their number.

So, a heartfelt-ish letter that explains why I liked him before, maybe even borderline on a stronger emotion that I refuse to say for time being, buuuuuut also clarifying how being a maladaptive and neurotic and inconsiderate dickhole (not my exact words..... i liked him, so i didnt call him any swears,) ended up ruining my trust in him.....

That means a lot. It's kinda like how King Henry the 3rd still loved Anne Boleyn, and so when he cut off her head, instead of using a huge painful axe, and leaving her to painfully and slowly get her head whacked off for several hours..... He got a skilled swordsman with a sharpened blade to remove her head. It came off swiftly and painlessly, all in one swipe. Since even if he wanted the woman out his life, he still wanted to spare her.... (Is this even a good comparison??????? Since I definitely am not cutting off Patrick's head for the sake of a brand new lover who can bear me a son?????..... Or, maybe I am? But not beheading. He's getting cut off for a chance at a new deserving love... but metaphorically.... )

(Actually, was that time I gave Other Patrick a parting gift also a love letter? I gave him candy, gum, and a huge list of reasons why I adored him, and wished him well for college.... so I guess that counts for something.)

Anyway.

I did it. It was terrifying, but still blissful. Going to his house, feeling a bit empty, but contented. Seeing him once again, and having my usual moment of "God, hes so cute", but instead of pushing down my emotions.... to give myself temporary joy.... I pushed down the sappy ones, and gave him the letter.

Its been difficult, but its better this way.

So. :)

12:38am, Tuesday, January 7th of 2020.

Let's do this.

Identify why you are choosing to let go:

Because he doesn't want to be around me any more.

The relationship wasn't giving me the things I knew I wanted in a relationship. (Like mutual respect for eachother, care for my feelings, kept promises,

12:51am, had a bit of a moment for a second.

Tired of venting! It solves nothing. Calling him and saying how i feel has solved most of our problems before. I better at least do that.

Then i can say, i tried.

But hes not a bad person, and shoving my feelings into a little white page of angst every once and awhile to avoid confronting them head on, isnt all that cathartic, as opposed to directly talking to the person I have problems with.

Since, sure, i talk a lot of shit.

But i do genuinely care for him, so, i feel the need to at least inform him of how i feel.

With no expectations.

Will i get depressed and cry in bed the next day? Maybe, but i mean, i plan to do that almost every day anyway, and often for different reasons, so might as well get the big tears out the way first.