#I'VE EXISTED HERE ON AND OFF SINCE 2013. FUN FACT.

[euclydya]

WELL JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

[xamag-draws]

BBR thoughts 2024

Since I mentioned that I finally dusted off an old project of mine and was ruminating on how I'd remake it, I thought I'd elaborate a little, now that I've solidified some concepts. For funsies

This is gonna be a bit of a long and unfocused one, but I don't share my personal thoughts here often, especially the stuff about my projects I always marinate in. And for once it's something that people have existing context for, so hey why not

So for anyone who hasn't been following me for a gajillion years, The Black Brick Road of OZ was a webcomic that I posted around 2013-2015, back when I was in highschool going on college (which is kinda crazy to think about). It was sort of a darker twist on The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, although I definitely leaned a lot more into dark humor more than anything in those first few chapters

I don't think it's available to read anywhere anymore, and I know people have been asking me about it. So here's the full proper archive of BBR, as full as it can be with deceased Flash

I totally used it as an excuse to shamelessly and self-indulgently experiment. It had interactive pages and GIFs and was wayyy too overproduced for what I could handle or what was necessary, but I did have great fun making it while it lasted

Unfortunately, that excess and the fact that I've changed too much as a person by the time I was in college is what ultimately killed it. The direction I wanted to go in was practically unrecognizable from the original idea started back in 2011, so there were many old hold-ups that I felt ruined it

At the time I kinda wished I could start/rewrite it all over, but considering that I pretty much had the entire script done at that point, it felt like a pointless sisyphean task. So I just put it on a shelf and didn't look back for about 8 years, because I didn't know what else to do

Now to be fair, the nature of my art has always been iterative and cyclical; when I feel like my creative juices have run dry I prefer to leave a project to marinate and move on to something else; cycle through other old things and bring in new skills and perspectives into the mix when I'm ready again. Not very productive, but it is what makes me happy to work on my OCs; I'm doomed to hit a wall with them eventually and I need some time to be able to find a new direction

So that said, I'm glad that BBR was left to marinate for that long. I don't think I was prepared, emotionally or intellectually, to tackle it again until now. The Wizard of Oz book (and the entire series of them, really) has always been near and dear to my heart, but there's a lot of context around it that I'm only unpacking now that I'm older

I think I always inherently feel negatively about the stuff I've made in the past, like its faults always jump out to me more than the positives, especially the more time passes. I've never liked that, and I do really appreciate the kind things people have to say about BBR to this day. The fact that it still can be recognized and remembered is very sweet

When I left it, I already found it "kinda cringe", and that feeling only deepened with years. When I took my first look back at it, asking the question "how would I rewrite it now?", at first I took a very cynical approach, as in "everything would have to be torn down"

But the more I sat on it, the more I found that I still see some merit and charm in the ideas I was putting out; I just didn't know how to execute them at the time (not to pretend that I know what I'm doing now, but I certainly know more at least). Turns out a lot of my old concepts could be changed substantially with just a few small tweaks. So I'd say that's a nicer way to think about my previous work

If you haven't seen yet, I posted a first draft of my new designs for some of the characters (the main group, the Goods and the Wickeds). Definitely subject to change, but more or less how I see them now

I'm just playing with these concepts; by no means would I attempt to remake BBR right this moment. Call it a pipe dream among my other ones. But just for fun, this is the direction I'd like to take:

Nowadays I'd probably make it a visual novel, with more emphasis on the visual part than the novel because I'm no English prose writer by any means. It'd still let me play a little with the interactivity while helping cut some corners on the drawing part (only some, I imagine I'd go hog wild anyway)

I've always intended for some events inspired by the sequel books to take place in BBR's past. Stuff like Jinjur's revolt or Ozma's rule preceeds the main events here. So I think it would be fun to follow the past of a few key characters alongside the main story. One chapter focusing on the present quest to see the Wizard, then one focusing on the past events (that are maybe reflective thematically); rinse and repeat

I'm also sticking a little closer to the original text in some regards. Not everything that I enjoy from the books would be translated here, it's still just a very loose fantasy on the material; but I'd like to be closer in spirit at least

I like mature, wise and powerful Glinda, I like kind and vulnerable Tin Man, I like the Wizard being a pathetic yet loveable liar, so I'm sprinkling in more of that for example

I'd like to keep some whimsy, but make it more grounded and a bit more serious to be coherent in tone. I think the original TWWOOZ book was a more realistic fantasy in some ways, even for the standards of the time; I like its simple but vivid tactile descriptions and details like bringing attention that Dorothy needed to eat and sleep

I find it funny that Baum specifically was averse to making his books scary or unpleasant, finding that unnecessary for telling a compelling kids story, but they still can get pretty dark and disturbing, at least for our modern sensibilities. Let's just say that I intend to use the Evoldo and Chopfyt storylines for my purposes. In that way, I feel like a "darker" Wizard of Oz retelling can still mostly be tonally in line with the original and balance it with enough heart and occasional humor

I slowly grew to appreciate the quaint old-timey quality of the original series, as well. The first book is both timeless and very much a product of the 1900s. Originally I tried to give it a little modern or at least anachronistic spin, but it was moreso because it's what I knew best, so these days I'd rather intentionally lean into the time period. Still not fully historically accurate by any means, but at least directly acknowledging the influence

The events of the story span across 40 years of these characters' lives, so I'm drawing inspiration from the entire so-called La Belle Epoque: the time period around 1880s-1920s. Basically I'm cooking, and my soup is old Victorian fashion morphing into Edwardian fashion and slowly inching towards flappers

Some new Dolly outfits

Lots of crazy things, political changes and innovations were happening at the turn of the century, which I think is noted and reflected by Baum in the books as well; the character of Tik-Tok might not blow any minds now, but he was one of the first robot characters in literature at that point; and don't even get me started on Jinjur, etc. Plenty of really interesting stuff one could lightly ponder in an Oz adaptation these days

Aesthetically, art nouveau has always been a big artistic influence for me, and it'd definitely be its time to shine here. John R. Neill's illustrations of the Oz books often keep me company as well. Nouveau architecture in particular fits that fairytale whimsy extremely well imo

I'd allow myself a little bit of art deco here and there, but ultimately its intimidating geometrical splendor is an antithetical to the flowery nature of nouveau and I associate it with a completely different era. Definitely fitting some characters like my Wicked Witch of the West, but shouldn't be overused

One of my main problems with the original BBR was that eventually I lost track of what it was even about; and the original ending felt too mean and unfulfilling to be worth it. Now I'd like to stick to the theme of home and family as my main theme, but in a different, more bittersweet way than in the book

An interesting connection I made is that a lot of my aforementioned older key characters (the Witches, Jinjur, the Nome King, etc) all came from the same reformatory as kids, that's how they know each other. In my recent research I learned that in those reformatories it was usually frowned upon to release the children back to the families, which were seen as the original corrupting influence regardless of the circumstance. The reformatory did everything in its power to cut that connection and make itself the only family those wayward kids were supposed to know and love. That's an unexpected tie into the theme of home that I'd like to explore as well

So yeah that's the current state of it. I have a bunch of outfit concepts I'm slowly cooking, although I'm now sure whether I'd post them... But I do miss these funny guys, and I'm glad some people still do as well :)

[archangelmag]

The message archangel: Why Virgin Suicides still resonating?

Why Virgin Suicides still resonating?

If you're have been around enough on internet or you're a pop-culture enthusiast; the novel Virgin Suicides will not be unknown for you.

The Jeffrey Eugenide’s novel is astute, sensitive, romantic and also a real portrait of teenage suicide. The first publication was in April 1st, 1993. The modern classic, narrates the story of the five Lisbon sisters, living the suburban life in Michigan during the 1970's. Their life was surrounded by the fundamentalist religious beliefs of their mother, that increasingly keeps the girls in isolation. The results, as the title of the book suggests is the suicide of the five girls. The story is all narrated by a couple of boys – also neighbors of the girls – who remain fascinated with the tragedy throughout the decades, maintaining the attempt to figure out what lead them to end their life at a young age.

In 1999, the novel is immortalized in a ethereal film directed by Sofia Coppola, soundtracked by Air.

A "not-so-fun" fact is that in 2000, Paramount gave a limited release to the movie, due the fear of encourage "teen suicide".

It's interesting how the popularity of this novel never decreased. Back in 2013/2014 tumblr, the quotes and the aesthetic was getting the teen-alt girls in their core, since many elements, fashion or moody, were in sync with Lana del Rey's music as much with Air music, which is really close to the "coquette" subculture we got nowadays. More recently, in 2021, Marc Jacobs released a collection dedicated to Virgin Suicides under Heavn. On tiktok, videos tagging Lux Lisbon have over 800 million views. And not staying under the ethereal aesthetic taken from the movie, the book still selling great: the title sold over £ 345,000 in 2022, also, still gaining more traction and attention due booktok niche on Tik Tok.

Here, we're taken to the main reasons to why this novel still resonates to young girls over the last thirty years:  the pains of girlhood factor. One of the opening quotes that meet generations of girls and thrills minds is when Cecilia, after be dismissed by a doctor saying that she's is not old enough to have serious mental issues, prompt says: “Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.” 

Personally, I first watch this movie when I was 12 years old. I was struggling with body dysmorphia, that led me into a depression that I've been fighting viscerally for years. Also, I grew up in a christian-evangelical family. My parents are preachers and when you're the oldest daughter, the community tend to lock you in a world that ain't built for you to feel good, instead, is built to explore you to the core. Many, many times I found myself alone in my parents house, just like the Lisbon girls, full of the desire of just be and just live but rules that we never signed were put on our realities, causing us pain and much other damages.

However, it's different when you read the novel or watch the film at age 12, and when you re-watch at 18 or in your 20's.

Girlhood is complex. And Jeffrey Eugenides recognized it. In his writing, he could acknowledge how complex, dark, and sorrowful a young woman’s inner mental life could be. It didn’t glorify it, it didn’t brush it off — it just captured it, it respected it, and gave it the room to exist how it really is.

Many adults see the pains of girlhood as an "failed attempt in seek for attention". So, many people make fun of it, put nonsensical rules,  tend to shame and ridicule girls. The identification with the narrative only shows that we all should see more girlhood as a topic, with it’s ugliness and beauty. Virgin Suicides speaks with women in a language that understand without hiding from the horror of suicide, capturing the mundanes of depression without core-romanticize the mental issue or glorify it.

In other words, we could say that the novel got the "right" vision of teen suicide. Also, both movie and book are getting a revival since the sadness among teen girls are increasing. A study published by the CDC in February reported record levels of sadness in teen girls, with 30 per cent saying they have seriously considered dying by suicide, a 60 per cent rise since 2013. In the UK, reports show that self-harm admissions to hospital among teenage girls more than tripled between 2010 and 2020. (2023, DAZED)

The Osvaldo Cruz Foundation – FIOCRUZ – in Brazil did a research the survey "Self-Provoked Violence in Childhood and Adolescence" identified 15,702 notifications of attendance to suicidal behavior among teenagers in health services, predominantly the age group 15-19 years (76.4%), female (71.6%), and race/color of white skin (58.3%), in the period from 2011 to 2014. The study reveals that residence was the most frequent location of these occurrences (88.5% of 10-14 year olds; 89.9% of 15-19 year olds), and the most commonly used means was poisoning/intoxication (76.6% and 78%, respectively at ages 10-14 and 15-19). As for hospitalizations resulting from attempts in teenagers, there were 12,060 records between 2007-2016, with a predominance of females (58.1%) and a higher occurrence in the Southeast Region (2.7 and 7.0 notifications/100,000 inhabitants, in the 10-14 and 15-19 age groups, respectively). (2021, FIOCRUZ)

There are myriad reasons for this uptick – such as social media’s influence and the COVID-19 pandemic – factors that wouldn’t have impacted teenage girls in the 90s, when the book was first released.

The book endurance is still important to acknowledge that these issues aren't new and tend to increase. “The continued popularity of The Virgin Suicides really speaks to social anxieties that circulated around girlhood, from concerns about girls and mental health, body image, bullying, sexualisation, or more broadly, fears about girls ‘growing up too soon’,” she says. “That was the context that surrounded the 1990s release of The Virgin Suicides, and these are a set of debates and comments we still see today.” (Dr. R. Kennedy for Dazed UK)

In addition, the book brings the western vision expected over girls: they suppose to be good, pure, innocent daughters and friends but sexually knowing and sexually desirable for boys and young men. Contradictions that surrounded girlhood by decades, even centuries. Now, more intense due the hypervisibity over girls on social media platforms.

While girlhood has changed in myriad significant ways since 1993, it’s clear the story speaks to the immutable quality of teenage pain and the anxieties of growing we have almost always projected onto young girls. The period between 13 and 16, 17 can be really painful for young girls, in both physical and mental ways and that’s the reason why the book and the film remained popular, because we all can see ourselves in many aspects of our own experiences in each Lisbon sister through the book.

It’s cheering to think that this novel it still strikes a chord among young women and girls from diferent generations, after 30 years on from it's release, keeping it as subject matter.

[gikairan]

Man, there are people actually excited about this stupid Apple Vision thing and just....

why? 🙃

Its literally Google Glass, but worse. It will fail for the same reasons Google Glass never got off the ground. From privacy concerns about the cameras on someones face, to people finding out that staring at a screen SO close to your face is an actually Awful experience.

I've seen people go "Theyre not the same!!!" and like... they are. They really are. They are both designed to do very similar things, except ones got an Apple logo on it. If anything, Apple Vision is worse because its got the form factor of a VR headset. Something already considered bulky and uncomfortable for long-term use. The form factor of VR is one of the major reasons it is likely to remain niche.

I've seen people say "you poo-pooed the iPad and the Watch and now look!" And like... okay i get it. Everyone really did poo-poo on the iPad. But i'd argue the original presentation focused more on "you can do everything on your phone, but on a bigger device!" rather than "hey, heres a smaller, thinner device that will replace your laptop, that runs the apps your phone does". Like, i remember people making fun of it because it was an oversized iPhone. Who wants a giant face-sized device to make phone calls? No-one. And thats why it was ridiculed. And i dont remember people making fun of the Watch, because.... by the point the Watch was released (2015)... the Pebble Smartwatch was already around (Kickstarter was in 2012, release was 2013). It hadn't just done well on crowdfunding, its still in the top 10 highest grossing kickstarters of all time.

These things have proven their use since their release. I really doubt Apple Vision is ever going to justify its use to the normal consumer.

It will absolutely have niche applications, dont get me wrong. The Hololens already exists, but most regular normal people likely didnt know it released. Because its not tech for the general public. The Kinect isn't actually dead- its got its use in some very niche applications, and Microsoft just tried to force the tech into gaming to make it more widespread (probably to justify actually creating it?). There will likely be industries that find AR extremely useful (I keep hearing about surgeons and AR. Though i also think architecture and construction might find a lot of use for this)

In terms of the video Apple showed off, theres very little I can see on it that will actually improve someones life.... Sure you can relive your memories in 3d.... but you've got to wear a bulky pair of ski goggles to record it in the first place. You can relive the memories of your children after the divorce!! .... And you lost that human connection during the actual moment itself, because you obscured the top half of your face for a giant screen. The best "use" i thought was obscuring the view of a busy plane around you. ... Except in reality, obscuring such view would likely be awful.... So the thing only has about 2 hours of battery life and needs to be plugged into an external battery with a wire. Given the bulky nature of the device, thats... really bad. The video showed a woman on a plane watching Everything Everywhere All At Once. The film is 2 hours and 19 minutes long. .... You cannot watch that entire film on a single charge. Then theres the fact we see most of her field of vision obscured by pretty sunset clouds. And the idea of getting rid of a peripheral vision of A Flight sure sounds nice. ... Until you realise how much you rely on that vision during a flight.... For a long flight - you'll need to see when the flight attendants are coming around for drinks, food etc. You'll need to know when people sitting around you might want to get up. Obscuring 100% of your vision is maybe not the best idea? Even for a short flight, obscuring all your vision might cause you to miss important announcements. Or, you know, your neighbour who just wants to pee? Then theres how the movie window is going to work full stop. We see earlier in the video that you can put a window in front of you, and a window to the side that you move your head to look at. Are you going to be able to put windows in a 360 degree circle around your head, and you just spin around in real space to see them all? ... If so, will the movie player stay in one space in "real space", or will it stay in the same place according to the screen? Imagine if a movie player on a small screen in front of your eyes stayed in the same place relative to real space, and every time you adjusted yourself in your seat... you had to physically move the window to see it. And think about how often you do minor changes to how you sit, how your head is positioned etc etc....

Most of the rest of the announcement seems to just be office related stuff. Controlled by hand gestures.

... You know why hand gesture devices have never caught on? People hate using them (: Have you ever used a Kinect before? You'll find your body got tired quite quickly trying to just navigate menus. We dont like holding our hands/ arms up all the time to navigate digital menus. It feels worse than a mouse, a controller, or just tapping a screen. Its just awkward. People will try it for work and then go "wow just using my mouse & keyboard is way easier" and then never put on the stupid goggles again.

All in all, this thing is just... bad. Its not good. It wont catch on. It'll be an extremely niche product that will only every really have a handful of uses. And none of them will be for the general public.

[openworldracingonxboxone]

Open world racing on Xbox One

SnowRunner

The series' "progression from snow to mud" shows Saber Interactive's adoration for physics-based surface driving games. It is an enjoyable but challenging game title that takes patience and time. When I tow a trailer larger than my vehicle, I underestimate how deep a patch of sand is and then firmly bury my vehicle and the payload into it. While I think about what options I have, the idea comes to mind: "Am I, honestly, having a good time here?" Although it may appear to many as a good opportunity to give up and play other games, this may be where SnowRunner shines. a relaxing yet tactical delivery simulator, it's not intended for those who are quick and easily distracted. The fun lies in dropping off your payload; the additional fun is exploring the diverse and dangerous terrain while you travel.It was, admittedly, my fault that I underestimated the sand depth, but that's not the main point. SnowRunner was designed around this; its raison d'être is to meet these criteria. It's certainly not a fast-paced game title, but that's the reason I enjoy it. Don't forget to put chains on your tires, and we'll figure out why.

SnowRunner is a large video game set across three very different climates and regions that reveals a trade that many of us have almost certainly never considered properly before. Set in two American locales, Michigan and Alaska, together with the Russian region of Taymyr, each region brings its own set of problems and tasks, as well as differing weather and terrain requirements to conquer.

If you are not aware of Saber's hauling heritage, SnowRunner is a sequel to Spintires, which by itself branched out into Mudrunner on consoles along with a PC or laptop. The game series has been in existence since 2013 when MudRunner was the very first console game to be released in the year 2017. Although it didn't get an impressive review score, it did gain a strong enough following to warrant an update of some kind, which has improved some of the criticisms. It's also more straightforward to look at. SnowRunner, in contrast to Spintires and MudRunner, appears to be vibrant and green with its varied surroundings and seasons. Because I used to be so distracted by my surroundings, there have been a few times when I've gotten stuck on something.A single thing that you'll see as you travel through the three locations, which all offer four distinct regions to discover and explore, is that despite the lovely-looking landscapes, you will discover no one else in the world. It is not necessary to pass any other vehicles, observe any townspeople, or listen to any radio stations. It truly is a bare universe, which is a great way to emphasize the fact that this game is all about automobiles and what you accomplish with them. The element is that, once you're rolling, you're not going to worry. If the appearance and lifelike physical terrain come at the cost of definitely not being able to see any other visitors, that is amazing to me personally. Saber has concentrated all of his efforts on creating eye-catching mud and snowflakes, and are you going to be able to appreciate the results? In addition, other vehicles would simply get in the way if you were wishing to surf a massive trailer around an uphill, hairpin area. Everyone doesn't want to deal with that.

Consumers could buy cheap games.

There may not be any broadcast stations or music for the background to hear, but that is not a dealbreaker. If you don't mind not listening to music, you can turn on your sound. You will discover no dialogue or tale that you will be missing. SnowRunner is a game that focuses on exciting experiences and escapades. It truly is a trucker's Breath of the Wild.SnowRunner will scrape that very same free-form scratch whether you're an escort trying to reach the ultimate of each viewpoint in Assassin's Creed or driving from one side of Forza Horizon to the other, then from one Forza Horizon Map to another just for fun. The main variation would be the fact that it is organized and relentless, and you'll soon be crying at the realization that you may have walked a set of planks to the wrong spot.

It's not supposed to be fun, but in all honesty, There are times when it isn't, but its predecessor, MudRunner, has taught us brilliance in a game that pits you not only against the features but ultimately against your current car and you personally.SnowRunner enhances and rehabilitates its strengths while exaggerating its weaknesses, wresting the video game into a more distinct style, removing the tiniest edge from the level, and providing us with a sliver of cute sunshine in the brighter western world setting.

Consumers could buy cheap PS4 Games.

Therefore, you're driving. You start the game with the plucky Chevy pickup truck and then take to the path. One of the first things you are going to detect is that this is an actual driving recreation that isn't played the same way as any other driving game you've ever played. The wheels don't simply point in the direction your analog stick is pointing; it's important to nudge them all around and back. If you hold them with just your left or right hand, you'll swerve along a path, then into a ravine or a mud pit from which you'll never be able to escape.

Need for Speed Heat

The Need for Speed franchise has been on a long and luxurious journey across numerous gaming system generations. Although it appeared to have hit a minor snag when Builder Soul Games took over the series' mantle, Need for Speed appears to be returning to its former glory. The newer game title, Heat, consists of precisely what has made this game series stand out from other auto-racing games on different game consoles. It features a brand new story in Miami-style Palm City that pits street racers against cops. This up-to-date free-roaming racing game supplies similar gameplay but with a more elegant style of driving that is among the most thrilling racing games of 2019.

Although an open-world racing game is nothing new in this day and age, the new Need for Speed packs a world full of racing events and activities to complete, as well as a plethora of treasures. For Heat, Palm City will act as the hub that hosts all of the events, and that center is accessible by a player on their own, offline or online. The universe is filled with races that can be triggered by getting to the location of the icon on the map, similar to the game Forza Horizon 4. Alongside the various race events, mainly the multi-lap "circuit" happenings and the one-way "sprint events," you will discover advertisements to smash through, flamingos to run over, and create models to discover. Velocity and drift gates also appear on the track, providing the racers with a variety of possibilities to invest in. The story plot is ready in Palm City, a vast open world with many locales accepting guidance from the likes of Miami, Florida. Motorsports are generally a cultural phenomenon, generating a ton of ardor in the news. However, as the evening hours approach, it can quickly escalate into something more dangerous and time-consuming for police officers to deal with. Street racing, which is truthfully illegal, is at an all-time high, prompting officers from Palm City Police to create an agency specifically to crack down on it.

During your playthrough, move through the afternoon and compete in sanctioned races to earn money. In the evening, you can take part in street races. That is where you put your name on the map and gain a reputation. This rep indicates that you are gaining experience points and moving up in your current profile. The more you earn, the more levels you gain; higher Rep stages give access to brand-new cars and spare parts for buying.

After a short review of the narrative, you will be thrown straight into a high-intensity street race on a fooled-out Polestar. You're already cruising at speeds of over 100 mph as you travel through different regions of the world. As you race through the city at high speeds, keep an eye out for traffic. This might be an arcade-style auto-racing game, so you're able to smash into other vehicles or walls without requiring a damaging effect on the auto's efficiency. In the first race, this game offers anyone the essentials, like which key stands for the brakes and gas, the best way to try the nitrous, and the right way to properly turn. It's very easy to ignore the signs; however, it's great that it does a good job of presenting that for perhaps inexperienced players. The holds are extremely precise, with the option of tuning them to your current personal preferences. They responded just as anticipated.

There's no penalty for driving on the wrong side of the entire path, for taking a wrong turn, or for destroying the fences and signs everywhere--that is until the police arrive. You're attempting to win your race, and now you're dealing with an external factor that is attempting to weigh you down and imprison you. This is an excellent example of how exciting and extraordinary the race can become in NFS Heat. This truly is only the evening experience component of the video game.

[deanwasalwaysbi]

I've gotta say, I find the concept of Bedlund trying to Ben-Hur Jensen absolutely hysterical. I'm just imagining Jensen getting a script and being like "Ben?? What's this? Is this gay? This seems gay????" and Ben just soothing him like a frightened horse.

Hahaha - Look it wouldn't be the first time. What is this verb we're working with? Okay. Strap in everyone. The Multi-Oscar-winning 1959 movie 'Ben Hur' had a bunch of gay subtext. The writer, the director, and the second lead actor all knew that Charlton Heston's character, Ben Hur, was gay. However, one person didn't find out until the 1990s: Charlton Heston. The consensus on set was "Don’t tell Charlton, because he’ll freak out." and when Heston found out in the ninties, freak out was exactly what he did. (x) [the movie may have gotten a reference from Misha back in season 6 (x)]

Whether this happened with Jensen on SPN depends on two things.

Was the character of Dean intentionally written as Bi and, if so, at what point did that become true?

Did anyone tell Jensen? Did he figure it out? if so, when?

I personally DO believe at this point, I really do, that Bedlund - Ben Hur'd Jensen. I think it was part of the writers room but not all of it, until it was. (Which RN I believe finally happened under Dabb.) I think Jensen wasn't in on it, until he was. So for me? I think he really was in the dark at one point. But at what point that changed? Probably only he can answer that question. and RN? He ain't talking.

In the meantime we can only look at things Jensen has said on the subject - Like this unbearably ambiguous GIF set from @nikadd. Was this tongue in cheek? Legitimate ignorance? You're killing me, Jensen. That cheeky lil smile, Jensen. Nvm - I'm going to kill you instead. It's for my own survival. No hard feelings right? You understand.

UH OH HERE COMES A CUT TO HIDE A LONG DERANGED POST...

We can look at the text for number 1 - and I do that uh - a lot - see the blog name #Dean Was Always Bi

For number 2 we can look over some points when we got clues from what Jensen thought was going on [regardless of whether they make sense based on his jacting or directorial choices I guess] and get left wondering whether at any point he felt pressured to lie for his career, for self protection, or to protect the narrative from the network: 

2010 - 'We're missing the gay angel' (x) (Season 5 gag reel) (x) “Sorry man, not what the show’s about.” Jared: One of the good and bads about playing the straight [non-comedic] character on the show… Jensen: What wait? I’ve been playing him so wrong

2012 / S8 - Trenchcoat - Jensen talking about how sometimes they change the lines because they're way too gay. Calls Cas a third brother

2012 - "What's Destiel?" Ben Edlund: That’s some weird shit. Jensen: Is this something that you created, Ben? Ben: You don’t want any part of that.

“Don’t ruin it for everyone now” “I still don’t know what the question was. I’m going to pretend I don’t know what the question was.”

2013 @ JIB, re Dean’s reaction to Aaron’s flirting in the season 8 episode Everybody Hates Hitler,  (x)

“And the scene wasn’t written to be that kind of - I mean - It was written to be awkward.  Ben Edlund wrote the - my favorite line in that scene was ‘carry on . citizen’ that was - I almost couldn’t say that with a straight face I was laughing so hard.  But it was - you know - it was comedy. It was a comedic moment in the show and fortunately Dean gets a lot of the comedic moments in the show and it was just, you know, Ben was poking fun at the fact that - you know, how can we make this very kind of manly, heterosexual guy uncomfortable - uh -you know, or  or have him back on his heels and throw him off his game a little bit.”

The thing is - Bedlund and Phil Sgriccia made very clear on the commentary track that THEY saw this scene as a 'romantic comedy kind of fluster' "This potential for love in all places."

Ben Edlund calling the writer’s room a boy’s club in 2013 (x)

Misha Collins telling Destiel fans they aren’t Crazy in 2013 after some executives said they were (x).

2014 Jensen says he was glad there wasn’t much Dean and Cas in season 9  - HA Hah HAH (x)

“I think the whole Cas and Dean thing has gotten out of hand”  “I don’t think there’s anything secret to their relationship even though a lot of people wish there was” REMINDER - that season we got the nightstands acknowledgement and “play him like a jilted lover” and the “he dumped me James” cut and -

I certainly know that Misha and I don’t play that. SIGH. they Ben Hur'd Jensen.

2014 - the fan fiction joke - 10.05

“I didn’t have a positive reaction, The first time in I think 200 scripts I went and sat down in the showrunners office and said, ‘What in god’s name are you doing?! Why? I need to understand why this is happening.’” “[Carver] gave very eloquent answers and did a great job of explaining why we were doing what we were doing, I guess I had been aware of this ‘fan fiction’ for a while and I felt like maybe if I ignored it, it would eventually go away. When I read it in the script that is what I do for a living and is my work—I’m very protective of these characters and the story and I think we have a right to be—I wasn’t angry. I just wanted to understand why and what was the message we were ultimately sending with this script and story. By the end of it, I felt good and it gave me all the confidence I needed. It was better than I could have ever hoped.”

But then there's Jensen in 2015 talking about all of Dean’s bromances. (x)  [gifs at the top] Could go either way - starting to figure it out? or No?

What had changed if anything? the entire Crowely season 10 story line?  This was July 2015 - the same day as the SDCC 2015 panel where Misha talked about Destiel   (x @ 13) Carver and Dabb were there - 

By this time Jensen and Misha were nominated for a teen choice award for best chemistry against various tv couples (and one ensemble cast, but the award nomination did NOT include Jared) .... Misha and Jensen would go on to WIN this award one month after the panel.

At the Panel Rob and Rich ask the question: “You two have branded yourselves as TV’s greatest team since, ... idk who.... Ernie and Bert so.”  [Misha says to Jensen & Jared, half not on the microphone: “I really didn’t expect them to throw us under the bus.”] “are we going to see that continue? Is the Castiel Dean relationship still aflutter and still growing as we move into season 11?”  Jeremy Carver: “Ish.” [mocking from panel ensues] “Yes. Of course. I mean Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. There’s no doubt.”

Jensen Directs 11x03 and the choreo mimics Goodbye stranger (x)

2016 - Jensen: Dean could have a huntress, but you’d kill her.

Jan 2017 Con the infamous - no hedge - harsh - “Destiel doesn’t exist.” (x)

I would hope that if he knew he wouldn’t have been so harsh with it.  So by that point either he still didn’t know - OR - to him ‘Destiel’ was specifically about internet porn/sex and not like - the potential for feelings / a relationship.  It makes me think about something Misha had actually said, around 2013, “It’s called ‘Destiel’ and it’s about the romantic interludes between Dean and Castiel.” (x)

2017 - jib8 Jensen called Dean a lover of the ladies

May 2017 - After filming the end of season 12:

2018 - Misha confirms he and Jensen have talked about Destiel (x) - also 2018: The Bisexual Dean essay "? No." (Oh god was this really this recent?! I can't deal with this.)

Well. SOMETHING happened in 2019. cuz here it comes

2019 - "Dean has no taste, clearly." 2019 - 'So, tell us just a little bit about what you're most excited to tackle with your character this final season.' "Cas. Just like a full football form tackle."

Look at this face he gave Dean when Cas told him he loved him and tell me he wasn't playing into it here. You can't. (x)

[normal-thoughts-official]

jk sorry i was just laughing at that last part, but regarding the actual content:

i feel a sick glee in informing you that i know EXACTLY how A/B/O started and it was with a supernatural fanfic prompt for jared padalecki/jensen ackles (otherwise known as the guy who plays sam and the guy who plays dean, respectively) in which "some males have a knot and those are the alpha males and the rest are bitch males" (in the words of the prompter) and jensen is a bitch male struggling with the internalized mysoginy before he meets jared and his magical healing cock. slowly it evolved into the terminology we know today (alpha/beta/omega) and they added stuff like the omegas being able to get p worded and the self lubricating ass and shit

in case u needed a reason to hate supernatural today, here it is!

so yeah it didn't exactly begin as a male/female thing, more as like a particular fetishization of mysoginy applied to gay men/bottoms that slowly morphed into making bottom just Woman 2.0, even associating being a bottom with shit that is associated with womanhood like p word and lubrication

so yeah the origin is cursed. my hatred for A/B/O might come from the fact that when i first encountered it and clicked in the fic having no idea what to expect it was one of these Really Bad "in this world omegas are basically s*x sl*ves to alphas but that is hot and treated as natural and consent is literally nowhere to be seen" ones. which has always been a sensitive thing to me as a bottom/sub cuz i dont need more ppl believing that my desires dont matter, thanks

and just ever since whenever i see A/B/O i just run away screaming. the only exception i've ever made were kinkym's fics. and i know that some ppl have been subverting A/B/O and questioning the awful mysoginistic, fetishistic, and essentialist premises, tackling the way ppl see omegas as an oppressive, awful thing, mentioning alpha/alpha and (more rarely) omega/omega couples, having trans alphas/omegas, which i think is kinda cool, altho honestly like we already have that it's called real non-straight and real trans people, but well, at least ppl are questioning the cursed things about the genre

(fun fact in portuguese genre and gender are the same word and i almost wrote "questioning things about the gender" and it's funny cuz it still works)

also lol i suppose in those ppl's minds real trans men who get p worded are transphobic?? literally why is truscum rethoric all over trans rep discourse like listen buddy i have a severe panic of p word to the point where just thinking about it as a concept makes me need to do breathing exercises and i would rather DIE than ever get p worded and the idea makes me so so dysphoric but claiming that all trans ppl's experiences must be the closest possible to cis ppl's is not and will never be an anti-transphobic take. p worded trans men and enbies are rad and i love them

like sure some ppl can write it in a bad and disrespectful way but "it can be born out of transphobia" is NOT the same thing as "it is inherently transphobic as a trope" and i really wish ppl would learn the difference sometime

also what is it with the bones. somehow i was on tumblr in 2013 but i completely missed the bone stealing discourse and to this day ive never had anyone explain it to me, it's always like, Either You Know It Or You Don't

about the catholic thing: yeah, she's probably speaking off stereotypes she's heard and i don't blame her (first and foremost cuz id rather die than be upset at a muslim person for how they talk about xnianity, i literally hate catholicism anyway) it just kinda bothered me cuz hhhhhhhh Wildly Untrue. i kinda feel dirty for even ""defending"" catholicism but sometimes you just see something and you have plenty of evidence that every word of it is incorrect and it just bothers you even if you could care less about the subject

and i think the way USans view catholicism is a mix of pre-existing anti-irishness (since they were colonized by the brits) and the fact that eastern european countries in particular are the ones with the Most Visible Catholicism, and that's where it tends to be worse from what i've seen. most ppl don't even register that countries like fr*nce and it*ly are also mainly catholic countries because they are western european and thus viewed as inherently kin to the US (and their own brand of conservatism is swept under the rug), and who even knows shit about latam, the philippines, or southern africa

also ultra conservative catholics are loud, as most ultra conservatives seem to be 🤷 and the official church doesn't help cuz the vatican is The Worst, so. and obviously, the history of the church doesn't help either, but other christians reeeaaaalllyyyyyy shouldn't be out there distancing themselves from catholic history lol

I didn't take it personally but I appreciate you letting me know <3

I think the American in her spoke up on the Catholic guilt, I'm not sure if it's because is one of the less common of the Christians religions present in usa, but most americans are convinced that Catholism is way more conservative/extreme that like other christians religions

Also yeah omegaverse is very 😐 :// but when I first found it in a fanfic I was really curious about the possibilities and it didn't like occurr to me that it probably started as an Alpha male x omega female breeding kink, gender roles x1000, but now when I see the tag I'm like ..... goodbye

(TW: brief Mention of mpreg and trans male pregnancy) when I started reading fanfics (2012-ish) it was "considered bad" reading a fanfic with a trans male pregnancy and "the minimum you can do it is read a magic mpreg, otherwise is really disrespectful" and I still don't know if trans men where having that opinion at the time or if a cis person just decided and started yelling. It was crazy but less crazy than when I found out the rumor about a girl stealing bones was real

there is so much going on here