eternal rockstar bleedin from the spleen
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am i gonna jack off or cut myself tonight. well let the wheel decide.
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am i gonna jack off or cut myself tonight. well let the wheel decide.
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somehow loneliness has become comforting. even if it makes me feel miserable, i like the feeling.
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my only irl friend wants to fucking ruin my life too great! love it!
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nooo dont kill urself ur so sexy aha
being a teen is cool but i wanna be 18 already so i can buy a gun
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im goignt o fake a pianful injury to be put on drugs (<---oomf's advice) (oomf is the little guy in my head)
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i might deadass fake my death. ill set up a suicide and make it look like i have died, but really i just have ran away and went to another town. or state perhaps. if i was able to.
i dont want to run away "for a little bit". i want to permanently leave. i want everyone to believe that i am dead. i dont want to come back. i can say my name is something else, i can say im a boy and jsut have a feminine voice or something, ect. hell, i could probably lie about my age. i would dye my hair, fuck up my fingerprints, try to either get rid of identifiable facial aspects (such as moles or whatever). i could probably get something to permanently add or erase a mole. i would probably dye my hair black (a really really dark brown, darker than my actual hair.)
i would save up money beforehand so i could buy a new device so i couldnt be tracked. something like that.
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i hate being trans because im always "too feminine" for the guys and "too masculine" for the girls, and anyone who IS fine with me just thinks im "too weird".
it sucks so much because i just want to ignore the fact that im trans and make friends and talk to people n whatever but the transphobes have to point it out every time. sayin shit like "ur trans? well (probably a famous person) did (a bad thing) and theyre also trans!!!" or just straight up saying "ur a girl" or "ur not a boy".
i dont want to be SEEN as trans. i want to look like a boy and sound like one so badly. i cant even go into public lobbies with my vc on without being called a girl. i really dont mind but usually 9 times out of 10 i am sexually harassed in that lobby for """being a girl""". im not a girl. i changed my entire closet to have clothes that a guy would wear, i cut my hair SPECFICALLY so i would look like a guy. i really would want one of those like stereotypical emo hairstyles i think theyre so fucking cool but i would be bullied and DEFINETLY called a girl for. im pretty sure my hair is like the only reason some people think im a guy. it was only the school nurses that called me a boy this year, besides the people i already knew. but even then, after they looked at my files or whatever, they called me a girl.
in conclusion, being trans sucks. i want to be cis. i wish i could be. it makes me want to kill myself sometimes.
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