#I'M GONNA S C R E A M!!!! HOW DARE UUUUUU

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

Can I pls request a day in Joker's life while taking care of baby Ellis from your previous work? I keep rereading that particular writing of yours because of the delicious angst 👌 I'd like to see how he takes care of his baby while leading a circus troupe and caring for his sick wife at the same time, while actively having to follow the Baron's orders. Just pile on the fluff and angst as much as u want to. Thank you ❤️

ohohoho what a compliment! <3

listen, y'all are supposed to say angst me mommy when you request shit like this... but... I guess I'll let it slide ;P

JUST MAKE SURE U CAN LIVE WITH WHAT YOU'VE UNLEASHED HERE BECAUSE WHEW-

JOKER’s days start earlier than ever now.

The one solace is that he gets to sleep in the same bed as his wife and wake up next to her in the morning. He gets to roll over, pressed against her, and give her a kiss… cuddle with her for a precious few minutes before the day truly begins. He gets to murmur that he loves her so much, lips painting those words onto her skin, because sometimes he worries that with all the hours he spends away from her, she might not know if he didn’t say it.

He gets to rise and greet his little baby, who’s nearing three months old now. Still just as darling as the day he was born. Although (Name) is getting stronger as she recovers on the treatment plan that the Baron’s doctor gave her, most of the time she only gets up for a few minutes to feed Ellis in the morning.

Joker likes to let her sleep in. He gets up before sunrise, and it’s not fair that she should have to do the same.

Thankfully, Ellis is much less fussy after eating breakfast… and Joker has learned, the hard way, not to bounce the infant on his knee for at least an hour after he eats. (To be fair, Peter also learned that the hard way whilst trying to get Ellis to stop wailing after feeding him a bottle. The fast-paced, busy nature of being a ringleader means that his child has been briefly left with each of the other troupe members at least once, so at least he’s not the only one who’s been spit up on.)

Once he’s made sure Ellis has a quick bath and is wearing clean clothes, it’s time to head over to the fairground. The small bag he carries during the morning is packed fast ― a few nappies and safety pins, a can of Mellin’s that the Baron oh-so graciously provides, a bottle, and a toy in case Ellis needs entertainment.

Then comes the hardest part; leaving (Name). Despite the fact that he’s only going to be gone for the morning, he’ll come home for a brief tea and to drop Ellis off… it still hurts to leave. It feels like he sees so little of her during the day. He almost wishes he didn’t have to go run the circus. One of these days he’s just going to say fuck it all, leave one of the others in charge for a day, and spend the whole morning here at the manor with his wife and child.

He perches himself on the bed with Ellis cradled against his chest in his good arm, and leans down to give his wife a kiss. A soft murmur of, “’Ey, darlin’, I’m off tae work wit’ Ellis now, alrigh’? I’ll be back this afternoon. Love ye,” falls from his lips against hers.

She returns the sentiment with a groggy smile and gives him her usual reply of, “Mmh, okay, sweetheart. See you then. I love you more.”

It kills him to leave. He does anyway… only after carefully tucking the covers back around her to replace how he moved them when he got up. The baby bag is slung over his shoulder, and he looks down at Ellis. “C’mon, wee lad. Let’s let y’r mama sleep ‘n’ we’ll go start our day. Get tae see all y’r aunts ‘n’ uncles.”

With that, he slips out the bedroom door and through the estate’s back exit, and he heads toward the fairground.

By the time he gets to the mess tent to grab a bite, the rest of the first-stringers are nearly done with breakfast. Thank God he gets to spend a short while with them before the hectic rush of the day sets in, or else he’s sure he’d never survive till afternoon. As soon as he sets the bag down and takes a seat, his free hand starts to dig in to the plate the others have fixed for him. “Mornin’, all. How’s ev’ryone doin’?”

As his family all mumble variations of, “Jus’ fine, not bad,” Freckles squeals and reaches over to take Ellis. “Aaaaah, y’ brought the baby!! Oiii, Ellis, sweet boy, c’mere ‘n’ spend some time with y’r Auntie Freckles while Papa eats!”

Sitting next to them, Wendy reaches over to ruffle Ellis’ little mop of auburn hair. “Joker, y’ gotta tell this kid t’ stop growin’. ‘e was jus’ a li’l, tiny thing, then we turn round ‘n’ ‘e’s gettin’ so big already.”

Peter beside her scoffs. “Oi, yeah, at this rate ‘e’s gonna end up taller’n us. Tell ‘im t’ cut it out; I don’t need someone thir’y years younger’n me towerin’ over me like some giant!”

“Aw, would y’ shut y’r yap? It’s big enough t’ make up f’r the rest’a y,” Freckles giggles, leaning down simply so Ellis can grab and play with their hair. “We should be ‘appy ‘e’s growin’! Look at ‘im, ‘e’s jus’ perfect.” When the baby coos and laughs at them, with a fistful of their hair in his hand, they look up at the ringleader almost pleadingly. “Oh, my God, Joker, I want one!!”

Joker has to pause to take a drink so he doesn’t choke on the last bite he took. God, they’re so funny… and yet, he knows they desperately want to start a family like he has. He almost feels bad that he ‘beat’ them to doing so. “Hah! Well, then, ye better find a beau an’ get busy, Doll, ‘cause that one’s mine!”

Dagger nudges Freckles in the ribs with his elbow. “Yeah, I think (Name) would ‘ave somethin’ t’ say ‘bout y’ takin’ ‘er baby!”

“Oh, yeah?” The fact that Ellis tugs on their hair apparently doesn’t dissuade them from wanting to keep him. They just grin bigger. “Bring ‘er ‘ere, I’ll fight ‘er! Winner takes ‘im!”

Everybody shares a laugh, and soon it tapers off into more subdued chatter as the meal is finished. It’s a welcome few moments before the day begins in full.

Joker lets Freckles keep holding the baby, making sure they’re fine to watch him for a few minutes as he makes his morning rounds. Of course, they don’t mind a bit. They’re probably disappointed they don’t get to spend more than a few minutes with him.

Things are always bustling in the morning, bright and full of activity when he walks around the tents. The second-stringers are heading to get breakfast now that the first-stringers are done, and the rest of his little family are practicing or getting ready to do so. He sees some of the newer members hurrying back from the mess tent, food in hand, to gather round Jumbo; as he often does during downtime, he’s started to play his harmonica.

Maybe he’s become soft, too soft, after Ellis’ birth, but Joker lets himself linger for a moment. He puts a hand on the newbies’ shoulders and sings along to the harmonica’s tune. Makes a few puns, gets a couple of laughs. Smiles at everyone. As much as he considers only the other first-stringers, his wife, and child his real family, he’s started to feel more and more like a father to the new members, especially the young ones.

After all, every single one of them was somebody’s child once. Don’t they all deserve to feel loved and protected like that?

His heart leaps into his throat when he thinks about his own baby. He remembers what he must have been thinking when he agreed to the Baron’s deal after Ellis was first born; Joker feels everything so intensely, just the hint of a future grief trying to raise his little boy without his wife was more than he could bear. Because Ellis is his, because (Name) is his, he can’t help but feel like they deserve all that love and protection more than anyone else.

Is he selfish for thinking that? Is he, or is that how everyone feels about their wives and children?

His voice trails off before he knows it, mind haunted by the shadow of future grief replaced by a future in which he’s eaten alive by guilt.

Soon enough, he disappears, shaken by his own thoughts, and collects his baby from Freckles. They give Ellis kisses on the head and pout when they have to relinquish him. The infant giggles in response; tugging a few strands of their hair in his little hand.

As Joker takes Ellis back against his own chest, he looks at Freckles. He hopes they get their own baby someday, someday soon if they meet the right person, and he prays they don’t make the same mistakes he’s made.

The day passes as normally as any day has passed by this point. Joker is sure it’s funny to watch him rehearsing whilst holding Ellis. Although he never moves around too much like this, it must be a sight to see him moving and pointing and gesturing with his bad arm with a baby nestled up in the crook of his good arm.

Not only that, Ellis makes all manner of little baby sounds. Which, while quite normal, are amusing additions to whatever Joker himself happens to be saying. In one breath he’s suggesting a change to the trapeze routine, and the next, Ellis is laughing at the sight of Peter missing his cue in such a way that his hat hits Wendy in the face. (Really. It’s entertaining in itself that not even a troupe full of troubled circus performers can resist laughing along after a baby starts to laugh. Even Peter and Wendy join in laughing.)

Despite the fact that his work is never really done, Joker has to leave shortly after they’ve all had tea. He’ll be back for the evening show, but now that Ellis has been fed, he’s been awake for long enough to start fussing because he’s sleepy. So it’s back to the Baron’s to put the baby down for a nap. Several hours of being fawned over and cooed at is tiring when you’re not very old, after all.

Besides… if Joker doesn’t go back for a short while, he won’t see (Name) again till he crawls into bed after midnight. He needs a few moments with her.

Thankfully, his darling wife is awake by afternoon. Even though she still gets tired easily, she’s usually regained some of her strength after being able to rest in the mornings. She’s not so weak anymore that just feeding the baby drains her, at least, and that means she’s in better spirits. Once Joker puts Ellis down, she’ll be able to stay up to watch him for the rest of the day.

Seeing her always perks him up. Just being able to kiss her and hold her in his arms for a couple of minutes is enough to get him through the rest of the day’s drudgery. Her smile, the sparkle of her eyes when she looks at him, the loving way she cradles Ellis before Joker sets him down in the crib… he still doesn’t know how he got so lucky.

Even though he wants to stay, he forces himself to slip out. One last kiss for his wife, one last kiss to the crown of his son’s head, and he has to head back to the fairground. If he doesn’t, he’ll just get greedy enough to not leave at all.

He’s at least resolved to get through the night once he returns to the circus. He keeps his memories close, and they drive him.

The show is a success. It always is. They all make sure to give the audience something spectacular to look at… and despite the fact that they’re certainly not getting rich, they manage to scrape by. They survive, they earn just enough so that no one has to go hungry. If nothing else, Joker can be proud of that.

Everyone is tired by the time night falls, but the first-stringers still have more to do. They all leave Snake to watch over everyone else, and they gather a short distance away from all the tents.

They all make their last adjustments — Freckles grumbling as they fidget with their parasol, Dagger trying to work out the kinks in his bad leg, Peter and Wendy quietly bickering in the affectionate way only siblings can. Joker’s almost unaware he’s been lost in thought until suddenly Beast is tightening his scarf like she thinks he’s about to catch his death of cold.

“Y’ need ta get some sleep,” she sighs.

He tilts his head, and he’s certain the smile he gives doesn’t meet his eyes. She can see right through it, at least. “Oi, I get ‘s much sleep as the rest’f ye lot.”

She scoffs. “No, y’ don’t. Ellis ain’t old enough t’ sleep through the night, which means you ain’t sleepin’ through the night. Y’re the only one’a us who’s got a baby. Wish y’d let (Name) come back ‘ere with ‘im. Maybe the two’a y’ might get some sleep if we take turns watchin’ ‘im at night.”

It’s painful for all of them. Beast feels guilty, too, he knows that; she also misses (Name)’s company. He knows everyone would be happier if she could have stayed here, especially after giving birth. Things just… didn’t work out that way. There would have been none of her staying here with how sick she got after Ellis was born. She might have died.

And now that she’s getting better… can he even bring her and Ellis back here? Everything is so different, so much worse.

“Soon,” he says softly, even though he’s not sure he means it. He gently brings Beast’s hand down, a silent reassurance that for right now, he’s fine. “She’s startin’ ta feel better… maybe she can come back soon.”

Beast huffs, and her eyes soften, and she shakes her head, and that’s the end of it. Distractions won’t serve them right now.

When they move into the streets, Joker notices that he still hesitates. Every move he and the others make, it puts him in physical pain. To do the things they’re doing, the things the Baron orders them to do… fuck. It makes him hate himself more than ever.

Least of all because if he doesn’t follow orders, then that’s it. His life is over.

If he talks back, if he shows regret, if he does anything that implies he’s questioning his ‘father’… then the Baron will cut off the medicine that’s been helping (Name) to recover. And he’s so done with Joker’s second guessing, he’s been threatening to pull out every little bit of security he’s affording the entire troupe.

If he doesn’t do these things that make him sick, his wife will die. His family will wither. Any chance at saving anything that’s meaningful to him disappears into thin air.

Once they’re all done for the night, once everyone else has returned to their tents, Joker has to stop on the way back to the Baron’s manor. He has to brace himself against a building and struggle to catch his breath.

He doesn’t know whether his body is trying to make him vomit or cry, but whichever it is, tears of strain and sorrow burst to life at the edges of his eyes regardless.

His throat is raw by the time his body decides to stop tormenting him. So his voice comes out raspy as he settles into bed, murmuring, “Jus’ me, darlin’,” when he puts his arms around (Name). He could barely look at Ellis upon walking into the room, his sweet baby fast asleep, after everything he’s done tonight.

He worries about both of them when he isn’t here. But they both seem alright, and his wife was just awake enough to be waiting for him. She rolls over to greet him, to kiss him goodnight, to snuggle in against his chest.

And he holds her, as tight as he possibly can without hurting her. Like she’s the one thing keeping his head above water.

He never sleeps well these days. He closes his eyes all the same, tired from the weight of this life he’s been living.

Tomorrow, he has to get up and do it all over again.

He knows he’s going to wake up more exhausted than he is falling asleep now.

His mind taunts him. How much longer can you keep all this up, Joker?

He doesn’t have an answer.

He just buries his face in (Name)’s neck, tells her one more time that he loves her, and lets sleep take him.

For the millionth time, he knows he will wake up to unanswered prayers.

At least, he thinks, he still has his family, his wife, and his child.

So for the millionth time, because of them, he prays anyway:

Please, God. Let things be better in the morning.