#I'M GONNA CRY AGAIN SERIOUSLY JUST THANK YOU EVERY WHICH WAY TO SUNDAY I'M SO HUMBLED AND HONORED

[specifiedshippinglover13]

LIVE JACKIE REACTION:

*Gets the notification*

!!

LIVE REACTION TO PETS:

(sorry for using the alternate account but Tumblr is being weird again =_=) Anyhow, here's more art! :DD

I think I'm getting better at it overall tbh :DD

Even tried something a little more than the face this time! :DD

Took a shot at ur star child! THEY'RE DESIGN IS SOOOO GOOOOD AND PREDDDDY!! LOOOVE THE COLORS AND THE EMOTIONS!! THE HAIR IS REALLY FUN DESPITE THE SHAPE!! IM HEADCANONING THEM TO LIKE CAREBEEEARS <333

They deserve a good eep UvU

Hope you're doing well! Stay hydrated and take care of yourself :)

[adhdeancas]

Claire telling Dean about the first time they saw him killing the demon that had her at knifepoint she was like "maybe I really am not like other girls" and then they have that talk when minigolfing and then Claire's like "oh I'm NOT a girl" but they've kinda just spent 5 years not wanting to explain being a nonbinary lesbian.

Claire’s childhood was like a fucking russian nesting doll. Take apart the first one and there’s another, completely different one hiding inside. That kinda makes Claire the biggest one, all the fucked up pieces rattling around inside her.  She started to figure out she was… different, when she was still in that smallest nesting doll. The one with all the illustrated Bible stories and the Sunday School playdates and the holding hands to pray over the dinner table. But those days… well, when God was the man with the answers, all you had to do was close your eyes and shut your mouth. 

She didn’t know then that God was gonna turn out to be the cause of all her problems.

After her dad left, it was hell. Her mom was on edge constantly and left her alone all the time. With only the memory of her dad “not her father” to keep her company. Not her father. Not her father. If she didn’t have a father, what the fuck was she? Who the fuck was she? An orphan, like Harry Potter? Hm, more like Percy Jackson, fatherless. Except without the cool powers. Or the friends. 

Was it weird she related to guys so much?

She wanted to be a badass. She wanted to be like Angelina freaking Jolie in Tomb Raider. Or maybe she wanted to… okay, so she was different. Somehow. But all she could focus on that first year was trying not to let it show, and trying to keep her grades about failing so her mom wouldn’t cry so much.

And then her dad came home.

The first time Claire saw Dean Winchester, he was slitting a demon’s throat. The demon which, consequently, had just had her unnaturally strong arm wrapped around her neck. Claire fell to the ground and stumbled back, far enough to see the grim line of Dean’s mouth surrounded by stubble, watch the square of his shoulders march away from the demon like killing a monster was no big deal. 

She wanted that.

She thought about it the whole car ride; it replayed in her head, mixed in with spurts of adrenaline that shot back through her veins like a finnicky garden hose. Her mom slumped next to her, and there was no doubt in Claire’s mind that she and her mom were very different people. And then there was Cas.

He asked her permission of course, a whisper in the back of her head like a friend checking on you at a sleepover. Quiet, comforting, familiar, startling. All at once. I can save your family. Let me help. Please, Claire, don’t be afraid. You’re not like other girls. You’re devout, you’re special. It’s in your blood. You and I, we could be the same. 

And then she and Cas were the same, for a few moments. The pain was excruciating, the light was too much, but the cool certainty that flooded through her felt correct. Something about the angel’s… presence felt like her more than she felt like her. Not that she would ever tell Castiel that.

You’re not like other girls. 

Fuck, there are some sentences you just don’t forget. 

It’s nothing against them; it’s just a sin.

Hey new girl, where’d you get your outfit? The dumpster out back of Hot Topic?

You’re not like other girls.

Claire, I’ll be back for you; I promise.

A couple doll lives later, she was on her own. She’d finally left her last foster home, was no longer legally obligated to show up to the sweat-smelling hellish halls of high school, and she was going to find her mom. 

The first thought she’d had when she saw Castiel was Dad, immediately followed by pain, and not from the freaking stitches in the back of her head. And then she saw Dean, which brought more anger, and a weird amount of insecurity she didn’t know what to do with.

Every time Dean trusts her with something, gives her a little bit of agency, it feels like victory. She finds herself mimicking his movements, his mannerisms, trying to tie her own curves and long hair into whatever the hell kind of swagger Dean Winchester has. She kinda likes the guy when he wasn’t being an axe-murdering dickwad. He’s kind of a dork.

“It's in the hole! It's in the hole! Bill Murray? ‘Caddyshack.’ It's a classic.”

Claire looks at him blankly. Wasn’t that from like… the 80s? Do things get more boring than golf in the 80s? “Never seen it. Not a fan.”

He takes it as a personal insult. “How dare you.”

“You done?”

“Yeah, I'm done. I'm done with your whole generation.”

Claire grins a little, happy that she got a rise out of the guy. She feels comfortable with Dean in a way she hasn’t felt with anybody in a long time, and she’s pretty sure that’s for a reason. She sinks her next putt and turns to Dean. “Did you ... did you see that? Did that go in the hole? I wasn't watching. Did the ball go in the hole?”

He bitches and pouts. “‘Happy Gilmore.’ Well played.”

Claire preens. “Thank you. Mm.” She’s so pleased with herself she doesn’t even go after Dean for mimicking her after she walks away, even though she can hear him. Let the wounded pride simmer.

“You’ve got to watch ‘Caddyshack,’ kid, seriously. It’s a fucking fantastic movie.” She gives him a look. He tries again, holding his putter as he gesticulates. “And don’t ask me why, but Bill Murray in that movie? I was jealous as hell of him.”

They snort. “Of Bill Murray?”

He nods, lines up another shot through a tiny windmill. It bounces straight back to him and he swears. “Fuck. Yeah, of Bill Murray. Boots, rolled up cargo pants, t-shirt, even the dumbass bucket hat. I wanted his gender shit so bad.”

Claire blinks. Dean’s made his shot and he’s looking at her expectantly. They reluctantly step up to the plate. “That’s a thing?” That’s what it is. That’s what it is; that’s what it is. Several pieces she’d been figuring out all slot into place. 

Dean laughs when the windmill flings Claire’s ball into the decorative rocks. She flips him off, and he laughs harder. “Mulligan. That didn’t count.”

“Oh, nuh-uh, you can’t do that.”

“Everybody gets a mulligan! Sacred rule of minigolf, old man, and you know it. Fuck off and give me my ball.” He hands it over and she putts again. Hole in one, motherfucker. Ha. 

They have a rousing game of mini-golf, and then Claire really becomes an orphan. They’re on their own again. But this time, with a dorky little stuffed animal in her duffle, a knife in her boot, and a little more figured out, she feels a little less alone.

[borathae]

~Chapter 27~ I live for men that are not afraid of expressing their feelings so this new jungkook is a big phat yes for me. Also the anticipation for their first kiss after all this time is k.i.l.l.i.n.g. me 🙂

🖤 There You Are - ZAYN

So first of all this: "Need you when I'm broken, when I'm fixed. Need you when I'm well, when I'm sick." And then also this: "Only you know me the way you know me. Only you forgive me when I'm sorry. Even when I messed it up, there you are. Need you when I'm hot and when I'm cold. Need you when I'm young, when I'm old. You won't be far. There you are, there you are, you're there with open arms."

🖤 Better man - 5 Seconds of Summer

I mean I think it's obvious why I chose this one, immediately came to my mind as well. "Wake up to someone with nothing to say. I'd never change, thought I'd never change, then you come and change it all. With your love, your love I'm a better, better man. [...] Darling, all of my wrongs, they led me right to you. Wrapped in your arms, I swear I'd die for your love, your love."

🖤 Once in a Lifetime - One Direction

Their once in a lifetime connection 💔 "Once in a lifetime, it's just right, we make no mistakes. Not even the landslide or riptide could take it all the way. Somehow, it feels like nothing has changed. Right now, my heart is beating the same." Also this line is so fitting 🤯 "Once in a lifetime, it's just right, we are always safe. Not even the bad guys in the dark night could take it all the way."

🖤 Too Good at Goodbyes - Sam Smith

Jungkook saying “I guess I’m just still really anxious. I know it’s so annoying and unattractive” is giving me the same energy as these lyrics "You must think that I'm stupid, you must think that I'm a fool." Obviously it's not as easy yet for him to be so open with his feelings but he's really trying. And then the rest of the song is just how he used to handle his emotions in the past, i think. "I know you're thinkin' I'm heartless. I know you're thinkin' I'm cold, I'm just protectin' my innocence. I'm just protectin' my soul. I'm never gonna let you close to me even though you mean the most to me. 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts. So I'm never gonna get too close to you even when I mean the most to you. In case you go and leave me in the dirt. [...] I'm way too good at goodbyes."

🖤 TOO GOOD - Troyer Sivan

Lowkey jungkookie still doesn't feel worthy of oc's love anymore but he also knows he needs her in his life. "Scared my love, you'll go. Too good to be good for me, too bad that that's all I need."

🖤 Love Songs - Maggie Lindemann

Oc being here for her man, being understanding & supportive, not tolerating toxic masculinity bc men have feelings and can be soft, yes. "I'll take away the hurt, tell me all your fears. And if you're feelin' scared, I'll be here. You don't have to be tough with me, I'll protect you from it all. I could be your safety net, if you'd let me. 'Cause when you're happy, I'm home. Smilin' feels different with you, cryin' feels better with you. If love is a game, then I'm willin' to play 'cause somethin' was missin' 'til you, somethin' was missin' 'til you. I'll be there through your flaws, catch you if you fall. And if you call for me, I'll be there, I just wanna make you feel loved."

LISTEN ANONIE JUST FROM THE FIRST LOOK I AM HERE TO OFFICIALLY (and consensually) SMOOCH YOU ON THE CHEEK 😭😭 like the first five songs are, without kidding, on my Purple Rain writing list. I will literally sOb, you just get this story so well 😭😭💜

Putting the rest under “read more” again, because I always give such long answers hahah help 

There You Are - ZAYN

Little story time for you. This song played as I was working on Chapter 26 when OC finally gave in to her feelings and fell into Kooks arms. So catch me crying over that for a quick second 😔 liKE fuck I literally love that couple so much I am going to sob 😔 like that whole part: “Only you know me the way you know me. Only you forgive me when I'm sorry, even when I messed it up. There you are” if that isn’t Kook being so goddamn comfortable with her that he can be all messy and sick and ‘ugly’ with the knowledge that she won’t judge him for it. I will literally cRY

Better Man - 5 Seconds of Summer

again 5sos! anonie! I will :((( I don’t even know which part of the song I should choose because they are all just so freaking perfect 😭 like if Jungkook could write song, it would be this one. Let’s just say it like that. HAHAH help I now imagine Jungkook covering that song and I may have spiralled for a minute 😩

Once in a Lifetime - One Direction

Holy shit anonie I never even realised how well "Once in a lifetime, it's just right, we are always safe. Not even the bad guys in the dark night could take it all the way." describes their entire trauma with the bad guys I am- 

Seriously I don’t even know what to add because that whole song is just so goddamn perfect, I will crY 😭😭 

Also little story time for you again. This song always makes me think back to their first date. When OC took Kook up to the mountain plateau and they watched the stars together. I listened to that song when Kook told her about his time in Dubai and about how small he felt in the desert 😔

Too Good at Goodbyes - Sam Smith

Okay at first I was all like “hmm how did they connect this with Chapter 27″ and then I read your description and let me tell you. I sat there for a good 30 seconds of the song and just stared at your words, because holy shit I have never even looked at that song in this light. Goodbye (lol pun not intended) this is now the only explanation I will accept 😭 my heART IS BROKEN 💔

Too Good - Troye Sivan

You just I don’t know what to add. I am still so shook that you chose all those songs. Like do you even knOW how often I listened to that song when I worked on Purple Rain?? Anonie are we the same person? What is happening here 😭💜 This is 100% Jungkooks mind telling him that he doesn’t deserve her for all that he has done, like fuck I am ACHING 😔

Love Song - Maggie Lindemann

This is the only song I haven’t listened to before and omgmgm it’s such a cute and beautiful song I will cRY for ten hours now 🥺 lisTEN you know how I said “Better Man” would be a song Kook writes? Yes this right here is the song OC would write for him 😔 I will now sob in love 😔💜

Thank you anonie, seriously I know I am repeating myself but I really appreciate you. I know it took my ages to answer your asks, but fuck university killed me hHhahah. So spending my Sunday listening to the songs you recommended and daydreaming about all the things you said was the best me-time I could ever think of. Thank you, seriously you make my story so much better 🥺😭💜

[ceceliadx]

Pack Mentality

Word Count: 4937

Stiles x OC

Warning: Swearing

Davina’s POV

After hearing the news that it was Laura’s body that was found, I had to get away from the high school and Scott and Stiles. I just kept running. Laura was the oldest daughter of the Hale family. She inherited Talia’s power and became the Alpha of the family after Talia died. It also explains why when we found the body it was a wolf’s head that we found. I’m guessing the wolf’s bane that Stiles found kept her from changing into her human form.

I returned home a little while later, ignoring my mother and father's questions and pleas about my whereabouts, I ran up to my room and slammed the door shut. I walk over and sit on the end of my bed and let the last of the tears I had left fall. A couple of minutes later my mother runs into my room and notices the state I’m in.

“Oh my god, honey what’s wrong?!” she asks, sitting on the bed next to me.

Damien then runs into my room, as soon as he looks at me he kneels down and places his hand on my knee.

“Dee? What’s wrong?” I look up at him, my eyes still red and puffy from crying and my voice still hoarse, I sniffle and say.

“It’s Laura. The body that they found in the woods. It was Laura. I’m guessing that’s why Derek’s back in town.”

“Oh my god.” Damien gasps

“Wait Laura’s dead? And Derek’s back in town? Why didn’t you kids tell me?” My mother inquired looking between the two of us. 

“We wanted to make sure he was back before we said anything to you or dad. But now that Derek got put in jail I’m guessing dad knows now.” Damien replies. He stands up and gives me a cuddle.

“Get some sleep little sis, you’ll feel better in the morning” he plants a kiss on the top of my head and then leaves my room.

My mother turns to me and gives me a hug. We pull apart and she places her hands on the sides of my face.

“You know, you and Damien can tell me things right? If you feel like there’s something you guys can’t tell me or your father or you guys think you’ll get hurt if you do, I just want you to know that you can. Me and your father are always going to be here for you guys.”

“I know momma and so does Damien. It’s just..hearing it was Laura’s body just brought up a lot of memories y’know? I guess it was just a shock hearing it.” I wipe my tear stained face and give my mother a smile reassuring her that I’m okay.

“I know honey. I remember how close all you guys were and how much you loved them. Especially Derek, I know he helped you a lot after what happened with the colour of your eyes. But you should listen to your brother and get some sleep okay honey? I’ll talk to your father and see if he knows anything about what’s gonna happen to Derek. I love you bub.” She gives me a kiss on the head like what Damien did before she walks to the door, given me one final look and a smile before she shuts the door.

As soon as she leaves, I stand up from my bed and walk over to my vanity to take off the rest of the make-up that didn’t come off from crying. I shove my hair up into a messy bun and change into an oversized shirt and a pair of black shorts. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and do my business before slipping into the sheets of my bed. Once my head hits the pillow I'm out like a light.

I wake up the next morning feeling slightly better, still in shock but feeling better none of the less. I decide to stay in bed, as it is a Sunday, and finish the rest of my homework that is due for tomorrow. Damien sits in my room with me for most of the day. We help each other with our homework and just sit and have a laugh with each other. I get the familiar calm feeling wash over me when he’s around and it eases my mind for the rest of the day. 

After dinner I take a shower and wash my hair letting it air dry. I lay out my outfit for school which is a white summer dress with black polka dots, my leather black jacket and a pair of white heels. Lydia would probably be proud of this outfit. I’m not a girly girl but I still wanna look fashionable. I go to turn around and I hear my phone buzz from my leather jacket pocket and realise I haven’t checked it all day. I take it out the pocket and then walk over to my bed to get under the covers. Once I check my phone I see that I have countless messages from Stiles.

‘Hey, I’m sorry for the way I told you about Laura, it was really insensitive of me to say it the way I did.’

‘Can you at least tell me if you're okay?’

‘Dee? Please. I get if you're angry, I just wanna know if you're okay?’

I sent him a quick message back to reassure him that I’m fine.

“Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t checked my phone since yesterday. It’s okay, I understand that you guys don’t trust Derek but, I do believe that he’s trying to help. And I’m okay, I think it was more of the shock of hearing it was Laura’s body, it brought up a lot of memories for me. But I’m okay thank you Stiles.’

Almost instantly I get a reply from him.

‘Okay good. That’s good. I mean it’s horrible but it’s good that you're okay. I’ll see you at school. Once again I’m sorry.

I smile at his rambling, little cutie. It really seems like he cares.

‘It’s all good Stilinski. No need to apologise. See you tomorrow.’

I turn off my phone and I fall asleep immediately.

……

Damien and I step out of our dad's car and give him a wave as he drives off to work. As we walk up to the doors Damien gasps and holds his arm out to keep me from walking. I stopped walking and looked to where he’s looking and gasp as I see the scene in front of me.

There’s a bus that’s been taped off by the police. The back door of the bus looks like it’s been ripped off and the door is barely hanging on. The scent of blood makes me want to vomit but I’m distracted by that as I see claw marks on the door. The only person that I could think of who would do that is Scott. He’s new and doesn’t have control so that’s the only logical answer. 

Scott and Stiles burst through the doors and look shocked as they also observe the crime scene. Before Damien and I get the chance to walk up to them, I hear Stiles with a worried tone in his voice turn to Scott and say.

“I think it did.”

Me and Damien share a look before we join them at the doors.

“Stiles, Scott do you know what happened?” I question the two boys standing before me. I start to worry about who it is that is hurt or potentially dead. 

“Scott had a dream that he attacked Allison on a bus last night and by the looks of it, I think it might have actually happened.” Stiles answers for Scott.

Scott doesn’t say a word and walks back through the doors to which we all follow. Stiles tries to calm and reassure Scott.

“She’s probably fine.”

“She’s not answering my texts Stiles.” I can hear Scott’s heart rate increasing higher by the minute, so I try to help calm him down.

“Scott you need to take a breath. Stiles is right, she’s probably just running a little late.” 

“Y’know it could just be a coincidence alright? A seriously amazing coincidence.” Stiles adds.

“Just help me find her okay.” Scott starts frantically looking around the hall trying to find Allison’s face. We end up losing him as he turns a corner. I try to find his voice and when I do I can hear him speaking to Ally. I breath out a sigh of relief. Thank god.

“Ally’s fine, I can hear Scott talking to her.” I confirmed to both Stiles and Damien before walking to my locker to get my books for the day. Stiles stands and waits on us as we all have the same class. The tannoy goes off as I shut my locker and everyone in the hall stops to listen.

“Attention students this is your principal, I know you're all wondering about the incident that occurred last night to one of our buses, while the police work to determine what happened, classes will proceed as scheduled, thank you.”

 I hear a bunch of students groan, obviously not happy that they didn’t get the day off. I turn my attention back to the boys and we all head to Chemistry.

Me, Damien, Scott and Stiles are all sitting in Mr Harris’s class. Damien is sitting next to Scott while Stiles and I are sitting across from each other behind them. Mr Harris is writing on the chalkboard as Scott turns around to speak to Stiles.

“Maybe it was my blood on the door” He bounces his knee up and down nervously.

“Could've been animal blood y’know maybe you caught a rabbit or something.” Stiles remarked, I turn to look at him with my eyebrows raised in a questioning look. 

“And did what?” Scott puzzles 

“Ate it” 

“Raw?”

“No you stopped to bake it in your little werewolf oven, I don’t know your the one who can’t remember anything.” I giggle at his response before Mr Harris interrupts us.

“Mr Stilinksi, If that’s your idea of a hushed whisper you might wanna pull the headphones out every once in a while.” Stiles scoffs before Mr Harris continues.

“I think you and Mr McCall will benefit from a little distance yes?”

“No” Stiles whimpers, Mr Harris points to him and then to an empty seat a few rows down. Scott and Stiles gather their things before moving. I give Stiles a sympathetic smile as he walks past me which he returns.

“Let me know if the separation anxiety gets to be too much.” Mr Harris says and Stiles gives him a sarcastic laugh back.

As soon as the boys get settled down a girl in the class shouts

“Hey I think they found something!”

Everyone runs out their seats and over to the window to watch what is happening. I stand next to Scott while Damien stands at the other side of me. We watch as paramedics rush to the ambulance pushing a man on a gurney.

“That’s not a rabbit.” Scott says as he looks over to Stiles.

The man on the the gurney then jumps up screaming, giving all of us a mini heart attack. Scott steps away from the window in fear and me, Stiles and Damien follow him.

“Okay, this is good, this is good, he got up he’s not dead, dead guys can’t do that” Stiles implies while looking between the three of us.

“Maybe your dream was just your mind playing tricks on you.” I add trying to comfort Scott in some way.

“Guys, I did that.” Scott shudders while looking out the window.

…..

Damien and I are walking with our lunch trays trying to find a table to sit at when Allison, Lydia, Jackson, Danny and a few other people appear in front of us. Jackson grabs my brother and talks to him while Allison and Lydia start talking to me. 

“Dee come sit with us?” Allison asks me, before I get to answer Lydia is already dragging me to a table with them. Me and Ally look at each other and chuckle at each other. I see that we are walking over to the table where Scott and Stiles are sitting. A bit strange to me as I know Scott and Jackson despise each other but okay. I sit down next to Stiles and we exchange a smile as everyone else starts sitting down. To be honest it looks like we’ve interrupted a conversation but because everyone else is here they can’t talk about it. 

“Get up.” Jackson moans at the boy that's sitting at the end of the table.

“Why do you never ask Danny to get up?”

“Because I don't stare at his girlfriend's coin slot.” Danny declares causing me to laugh at his comeback.

The boy gets up from the chair and Jackson slumps down before Danny speaks again.

“So I hear they’re saying it’s some sort of animal attack, probably a cougar?”

“I heard a mountain lion.” Jackson replies before Lydia adds

“A cougar is a mountain lion.” Jackson gives her a odd look before she says

“Isn’t it?” I really don’t get why she feels she needs to act stupid for an asshat like him.

“Yeah Lyds, there the same thing people just have different names for them cougar, mountain lion, puma, panther there all technically the same.” I corrected and gave Lydia and smile which she returned appreciatively. 

Jackson then looks at me and says “Who cares, the guys probably some homeless tweaker who’s gonna die anyways.” 

Before I can argue back at him Stiles announces to the group at the table.

“Actually I just found out who it is, check it out.”

He then holds out his phone in the middle of the table to show everyone the best he can. My head is pretty much lying on his shoulder trying to see the video. The video begins and you see Stiles dad walking around the back of the bus. The man speaking tells us the man's name who was attacked is called Garrison Myers. The man then continues and says that Garrison is in the hospital in critical condition. 

“I-I-I know this guy.” Scott stutters distracting the rest of us from the video.

“You do?” Damien and I reply in sync.

“Yeah when I used to take the bus back when I lived with my dad, he was the bus driver.”

Stiles leans back in his seat and lets out a sigh. Lydia speaks before any of us can reply to Scott’s comment.

“Can we talk about something slightly more fun please, like, Oh! Where are we going tomorrow night?” Directing the question towards Scott and Allison. They both give her a look before she continues 

“You said you and Scott were hanging out tomorrow night right?”

“Um, we were thinking of what we were gonna do.” Allison clarifies looking between Scott and Lydia.

“Well I’m not sitting home again watching lacrosse videos so if the four of us are hanging out, we’re doing something fun.” Awh god, I actually feel sorry for Scott.

“Hanging out? Like the four of us? Do you wanna hang out like us and them?” Scott asks Allison. God this is such a shit show.

“Yeah, I guess, sounds fun.” Allison responds.

“You know what else sounds fun, stabbing myself in the face with this fork” Jackson complains picking up at a fork which Lydia grabs out of his hand. Stiles and I look at each other before we roll our eyes.

“Huh! How about bowling, you love to bowl” Lydia mentions to Jackson before he rudely replies.

“Yeah with actual competition.”

“How do you know we’re not actual competition.” Allison smirks back at Jackson before turning to Scott.

“You can bowl right?” 

“Sort of.” He says a little unsure.

“Is it sort of or yes?” Jackson provokes

“Yes. In fact, I’m a great bowler.” Even if I wasn’t a werewolf and couldn’t hear his heart jump, I'd still call bullshit on that. 

The school day ends and I’m at my locker putting away the books that I don’t need to bring home. As I shut my locker, Stiles is standing next to me. I jump back as I don’t expect him to be standing there.

“Sorry, I just really need someone to answer my question, do you think I’m attractive to gay guys?”

I look at him, trying to see if he’s joking with me or not. His face remains with the same expression so I know he’s being serious. I gulp trying not to show how nervous I am. Well, I find you attractive so yes!

“Uh, yeah, I’m sure there will be a few guys out there that find you attractive.”

“What, really, do you really think so?” He responds, scratching the back of his neck. 

“Yes, I don’t see why they wouldn’t be you’re a nice guy and you're good looking. Do you think I’m attractive to gay girls?” I turn the question back to him with a smirk.

“I wouldn’t see why not, your pretty--I mean your nice-- not that you're not pretty because you are.” He stutters out.

“I blush at his comment. I try to hide my face by looking at the ground as I feel it turning red from embarrassment. I compose myself and look back up at him.

“Well this was a good chat Stilinksi, I’ll see you later yeah?” I smile at him, walking backwards to the door. 

“Uh yeah, see you later!” He waves at me with a lopsided smile and I wave back. I re-adjust the bag on my shoulder and walk out the door

…..

When Damien and I get home we go upstairs to hang out in my room a little while just catching up with each other about our day. My mind can’t help but wonder off to Derek. This morning our dad told us that he knew Derek was in jail but didn’t want to say anything to us as it was Laura’s body that they found and he thought it would upset us, which obviously isn’t new information to us. But I do appreciate my dad for doing that. If my dad saw Derek in jail does that mean he knows that we’re here? I’m snapped out of my thoughts as I get a text from Stiles.   

‘Hey can you and your brother come with me and Scott back to the bus? Derek is back at his house and Scott went there today to ask him for help about the dream. Derek said he just has to use his senses to figure it out.’

I’m confused on why he needs me and Damien with them as I’m pretty sure it’s something they can handle themselves. As if Stiles can read my mind he sends another text before I could reply to the one before.

‘I just thought because you and Damien are in control and the only other werewolves we know and trust, we feel like if anything gets too out of hand you guys have a better chance holding Scott back than I do.’

I turn to Damien and tell him about the plan and he’s up for it so I text Stiles back.

‘Yeah of course we’ll come. Are you able to pick us up? Our mom and dad are at work.’

He texts back immediately.

‘Yeah sure just send me your address and we’ll be on our way.’

I send him my address and me and Damien wait outside on them. We see the familiar blue Jeep and walk over. We all exchange a quick hello before Damien and I climb in the back and we head towards the high school.

We arrive at the high school and we all jump out of Stiles’s Jeep. We walk over to the chain link fence.

“Wait no just me someone needs to keep watch.” Scott says to Stiles.

“How come am I always the guy keeping watch?” Stiles starts to climb the fence but Scott puts his hand on him to stop him.

“Because there’s only two of us!” Scott shouts, forgetting that Damien and I are here. God, I swear those two and joint at the hip, It’s kind of cute though. Scott then turns his head to look at us and mutters a sorry.

“Okay why is this starting to feel like your Batman and I’m Robin? I don’t want to be Robin all the time!” Stiles exclaims, getting frustrated with Scott.

“Nobody’s Batman and Robin any of the time” Scott replies.

“Not even some of the time?”

“Just stay here!”

“Oh my god!” Stiles shouts before he walks back over to his Jeep. I give Scott a nod before he climbs the fence and walks over to the bus. 

We sit in the Jeep and wait for Scott to finish what he’s been instructed to do. Stiles turns to us from the front seat and breaks the silence.

“How long have you guys known Derek?”

“We’ve known him ever since we were kids. Our mom and dad were close with his mom and we pretty much all grew up together. We moved to Mexico a few years back and we didn’t see him as much as the fire had already happened.” I answer

“So I’m guessing you guys were pretty close with him then. Do you trust him?” Stiles looks at me while he asks.

“Yeah we were close. I just wish we still were, he was like another older brother to me. And yes I trust him. I do believe he’s trying to help Scott. He isn’t the best with people but that’s just Derek.” I reply shrugging my shoulders.

“The Derek I know wouldn't intentionally try and hurt Scott, this life isn’t for everyone.” Damien adds.

As Stiles goes to answer I see a flashlight in the distance. It looks like it’s going towards the bus. I slap Stiles’s arm and point it over to the light. Stiles starts to beep his horn to warn Scott about the intruder. A few seconds later we see Scott flip over the fence and jump in the Jeep yelling at Stiles to go. Stiles puts the Jeep in reverse before turning the Jeep around sharply causing me and Damien to squash into each other. I push Damien away from me as Stiles turns round and gives us a quick apology before turning to Scott.

“Did it work? Did you remember?!”

“Yeah, I was there last night. The blood a lot of it was mine!” Scott shouts back at Stiles. Well shit.

“So you did attack him?” Stiles and I say in sync.

“No, I-I saw glowing eyes on the bus but they weren’t mine, it was Derek.”

“What about the bus driver?” Stiles asks.

“I think I was actually trying to protect him.”

“Wait, wh-why would Derek help you remember that he attacked the bus driver?”

“I-I-I this is what I don’t get.”

“It’s gotta be a pack thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like an initiation you do the kill together.” Damien and I look at each other at Stiles remark. Why the hell would Derek do that?

“Because ripping someone's throat out is a real bonding experience.” Scott responded in a sarcastic tone.

“Yeah but you didn’t do it. Which means your not a killer.” Stiles spoke positively before I added.

“That’s good Scott, you don’t have to worry about it, now you know it wasn’t you.” I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze and gave him a smile. Stiles then starts to speak again.

“And it also means that-” Scott interjects with a smile “I can go out with Allison.”

“I was gonna say it means you won’t kill me.” I chuckle at Stiles' response. Scott is one love sick puppy.

“Oh yeah, that too” Scott turns round to me and Damien and we share a laugh with each other. Well at least he’s starting to trust us. 

…..

Stiles drops Damien and I off at home and we both give him a wave goodbye. We step in the house and we notice that mom and dad are still at work. I guess we’re gonna have to start getting used to a free house all the time. Maybe have a party one night? I head upstairs as Damien slouches on the couch in the living room to watch TV. I walk into my room and sit at my vanity and finish more homework. My grades are probably the last thing I should be worrying about especially after everything that’s happening with Scott and Derek. But I still want to do well at school and get into a good college. Being a werewolf or not.

The next day goes by and nothing out of the ordinary happens at school. Stiles is coming over to mine and Damien’s house tonight to work on homework and to study for tests that we have coming up this week. Scott is going on his date with Allison tonight, well his ‘hangout’ as Lydia and Jackson are also there so it isn’t much of a date. I hope Jackson isn’t being a complete asshole to Scott but it is Jackson we’re talking about, he seems to be in douchebag mode all the time. 

We get home and I immediately change into my comfier clothes. A pair of black shorts and a white oversized t-shirt which I tie a knot at the bottom of it to make it tighter fitting. Damien and I sit in my room and talk until Stiles arrives. We hear a knock at the door so Damien runs down, answers it and a few seconds later he appears with Stiles.

“Hey Dee.”

“Hi Stiles, how’s it going?” I ask him as he sits next to me on the bed. Our knees end up touching and I try to avoid the spark I feel as it does. Damien stretches out and lays on the bottom of my bed on his stomach, looking at the two of us.

“I’m good, I uh actually need help with Chemistry and uh your brother told me you were good at it. Can you help me?”

“Yeah of course, as long as you help me with my math because I suck.” I tell him with a giggle. Stiles turns to me with his hand out for me to shake.

“Deal.” he says. I shake his hand and give him a nod before we start studying.

A little while goes past and we’ve just been studying, talking and laughing. I’m shocked at how easy it was for me to speak to Stiles. It feels like we've known each other for years. I almost forgot that Damien was in the room until he questions us.

“How do you guys think Scott’s doing on his ‘date’?” He emphasises the date by using quotation marks with his fingers. 

“I think he’ll be okay, the biggest problem he’ll have is dealing with Jackson’s antics. That guy’s always been an asshole to us for no apparent reason.” Stiles replies.

“Well personally, I think Scott’s handling everything pretty fucking amazingly. He just needs to find his anchor for when things get out of control.” I responded. Stiles then looked between me and Damien and questioned us.

“Who’s your guys anchors?”

“Each other” Damien answers, as if he’s stating the obvious. He then continues 

“I guess having a twin and being as close as we are with each other helps us. It’s a way to feel calm. Especially with Dee’s anxiety and how bad it could get.”

Stiles looks at me sympathetically and grabs my hand.

”I get it. Trust me I do.” He gives me a smile which I return. He let’s go of my hand as he gets a notification from his phone. I try not look disappointed by the loss of the contact when I’m quickly interrupted from my thoughts.

“Shit.” Stiles huffed

“What?” Me and Damien both turn to him.

“It’s from my dad. The bus driver, the doctors are saying he succumbed to his wounds.”

“Succumbed? What does that mean?” Damien quizzes.

“He died.” Me and Stiles answer him.

Stiles starts gathering his things as he said he had to go over to Scott's to tell him the news. He leaves and says that he’ll meet us at school tomorrow. We see him drive off and shut the front door. I start to head up to my room but Damien’s hand grabs my arm to stop me.

“You like him.”

“What?! Damien I barely know the guy.” I blurted out trying to get out of his hold.

“Dee I know your lying and also chemosignals are a big give away.”

“Okay, Damien can we talk about this another time. I’m tired and I really need to get some shut-eye.

He looks at me and shrugs as if to say sure. As soon as I’m out of his grasp I run up stairs and into my room. Fucking chemosignals. I go into my bathroom and do my nightly routine before going straight to my bed. I check my phone and see that I have a text from Stiles.

‘Hey, thanks for your help tonight I really appreciate it, I’ll meet you guys at your locker tomorrow.’

I give him a quick reply back.

‘It’s no problem, anything for a friend, see you tomorrow.’

Huh friend. I turn my phone off and fall asleep.

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: UM okay Nancy: You've succeeded in making me speechless so what do you wanna say Rio: Usually I'd take that as a compliment Rio: I didn't know how to say it without sounding like a total self-absorbed bitch Rio: 'cos all you went through at yours and everything but Rio: I just can't do it anymore, Nance Nancy: Wow, that makes ME sound like a total self-absorbed bitch Nancy: but I get it, of course I do Rio: Ugh, no, so not how I meant that Rio: not like you were giving out 'do not talk about this' vibes, it was just me pussying out, lbr Rio: but you do? thank God Nancy: I kind of always give out those vibes lbr & I kind of am a self-absorbed bitch so like ?? Rio: If you wanna own that then I will say we've talked about you way more than me already so Rio: go off Nancy: Ugh Nancy: I have to own it 👑 Rio: Works for me, babe Rio: regardless of how self-obsessed my socials have me looking, I'm not my favourite topic of conversation Rio: never mind I'm sort of avoiding my parents rn so Nancy: Me either but everyone wants me to talk about it Nancy: all like who are you? or worse, how are you? Rio: Reckon 'what are you gonna do with your life?' trumps 'em both though Nancy: oh, I get that too honey, every time my parents call me Nancy: Sorry I'm not in America being your poster child for success Rio: You're doing it again 😏 Rio: Ah well, I got plans Rio: School ain't necessary for them Nancy: What can I say? He brings out the worst in me Nancy: so what are you gonna do besides leave me 💔? Rio: Awh, don't 😖 Rio: I've got lots of plans, not gonna jinx 'em before I've even started but trust Rio: I can go full-time at the bar I was doing weekends in so that's a start Nancy: is one of them make June let me copy his homework now I won't have yours 'cause I'll cry if not Nancy: but seriously, I believe in you with or without an insta post power move Rio: but of course Rio: you'll be well better off for it Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Nancy: I reckon I still hate this for me but I love it for you Rio: You're gonna be better than fine Rio: I ain't dying Nancy: everyone needs that to be true so I'll have to Nancy: You'll be thriving who needs essays or irish in their future, good lord Rio: I mean Rio: not to rub it in but Rio: 🙌💃🍾🎊 Nancy: 😭🏫😢🎒🍀💔 Rio: 😂 Rio: At least none of the kids should care too much Rio: end of the world when I moved in with Indie, as if I'm never coming back, or don't live like 5 minutes away 🙄 Nancy: Granddad will be so happy that you're following in his 👣 though you might get that party actually Nancy: You're already his fave Rio: Nancy McKenna, are you actually ASKING for a party right now? Rio: Oh my God, now we HAVE to have one, haters be damned Nancy: We aren't talking about me so shhh Nancy: But you literally have to Nancy: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: Alright Rio: sexy schoolgirl uniform NOT optional though Rio: not sorry Nancy: It's your party you can objectify me if you want to Nancy: I still have my posh one so Rio: 😏👌 Rio: top totty babe Nancy: I'll make it fashion Nancy: We can burn it after, pretend like I don't have another to go back to Rio: Yeah, we'll stop before burning the books Rio: even if it'd be very cathartic Nancy: Just the 🍀 ones Nancy: Pretty please Rio: No one's expecting you to pass, like Rio: even your 'rents no doubt Rio: literally zero pressure on that one Nancy: my dad is, he thinks it's hilarious Rio: Only got the complexion, like Nancy: the men in our little section of the family are such pricks Nancy: 🙄 Rio: Like that you specified, just in case Junie reads these and is like fuck yo homework Nancy: he's a babe Nancy: even when he's being unhelpful Nancy: which is mostly but that's men for you, like Rio: 😂😂 Rio: ain't gonna put him in charge of party-planning, let's put it that way Nancy: I'll do it Rio: Really? Nancy: I know HOW okay?! I just don't Nancy: usually Rio: Okay, okay! Rio: I don't doubt you Rio: go ahead Nancy: You shouldn't 'cause sexy schoolgirls is my entire coming out so the theme is easy Nancy: Gay origin story Rio: Such a perv, McKenna 😉 Nancy: I was like 12 what else would you have liked me to perv on at the time? Rio: Schlebs and porn like everyone else Rio: duh Nancy: Duh, I'd done that already Nancy: I've been gay since 👶 Rio: not on the 💻 though, I hope Nancy: 😏 Rio: Like I said, filth Nancy: didn't realise moving here meant I had to become a nun by default Nancy: awkward Rio: Someone shoulda told you Rio: churches run this country, babe Nancy: If god was a hot older lady I'd consider devoting myself 😍🙏 but Nancy: worship a man, no thanks Rio: He's not a man, heathen Nancy: depicted like one though WHAT A SURPRISE Rio: Well Jesus was defs not a ginger either so - 1  for you Nancy: Did he look like a beautiful woman or is that just art being 🌈 ? Rio: You've got the weirdest taste Nancy: excuse me I didn't 🎨 it Rio: You're into it Nancy: I've just noticed Rio: Mhmm Nancy: I've been single forever, fight me Rio: That's no excuse to sexualize our lord and saviour Rio: behave yourself Nancy: He isn't mine, that was the point Rio: He's the worlds Nancy: not my world, babe Rio: 🙄 Nancy: when are you working 'cause this party needs to be ASAP Rio: tonight Rio: but I'm working the day sunday so maybe we could do something in the evening? Nancy: Okay Nancy: I'll get it all arranged Rio: 🤞 I don't get murdered before then Rio: but I'm sure the fam will keep you posted Nancy: I'll hear your mum from here Nancy: but you're a babe with a plan, yeah? Rio: Obvs Rio: soz I ain't a babe with a genius IQ, like Rio: what can you do Nancy: Me either but if I can convince my parents, who are WAY scarier that I have to move you can definitely reassure yours you don't need exams Rio: Alright, bitch, it ain't a competition 😉 Rio: Wish me 🍀 Nancy: Doesn't mean you should let me win really easily Nancy: Or that you need luck for this Nancy: Just tell them what you told me, minus the part about my perversions and bad taste, thank you Rio: But I feel that will really soften the blow, like Rio: Yeah, I'm a dropout but Nancy is a MASSIVE creep, so, win some you lose some lads Nancy: 😂 okay okay you can out me Nancy: But genuinely you just need to prove it to them Nancy: Let them see you working for what you want, making it happen, you know Nancy: they'll worry anyway, its the parental standard Nancy: but they'll see where you're coming from too 🤞 eventually Nancy: or they won't and you get to be like look how wrong you are Nancy: either way  🙌💃🍾🎊 Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: Yeah, you're right Rio: it's happening regardless so they'll have to get used to it Nancy: Gay culture Rio: 😂 Rio: Right, I've got to go get ready Rio: plan my party, bitch Nancy: I've already begun, bitch Nancy: I approve of the enthusiasm Rio: I'd call it keen Rio: 😘 Nancy: We've both been called worse 😚 Nancy: and you should be pleased I'm getting into the spirit Rio: You've read the comments? 😏 Nancy: Have you seen how many there are? I don't have time Nancy: No need though, I can guess Rio: 😂 Rio: Fair, it's more like a 70-30 split in my favour so Rio: not bad Nancy: Keep me posted Rio: 👍

[strawberry-milktea]

9-18-17 pt1: Hi. I'm feeling really empty right now. I came to my faith at 11 and I grew up in church rather than in a relationship with God. I remember just jumping into this whole life style of trying to do "the basics" (church, bible, praying,) without realizing I didn't even know the "basics" about the basics if that makes sense. I definitely didn't know what I didn't know and struggled for so long as a result of thinking I knew everything I needed to. I thought faith was like superpowers...

9-18-17 pt: I thought a relationship was instant when you do in fact have to pursue that with God. I thought all the spiritual maturity, depth, strength and intimacy was instant too. I didn’t realize it’s the *opportunity* to start and build a relationship that’s instant. It’s the *potential* to grow and become spiritually mature that’s instant. I have struggled so much to take my faith into my own hands and learn for myself what my parents or church didn’t teach me. I’m grateful but this is…            9-18-17 pt3: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. The holy spirit still kinda scares me. I grew up seeing people fall out involuntarily because of Him. When I got saved and baptized, both times I was terrified because I thought I was gonna fall out too. I STILL don’t really understand what God sounds like and it kills me. Because I hate doubt and long to be obedient and recognize His voice. No joke, I always want to think he sounds like Mufasa from the Lion king. LOL But..      9-18-17 pt4: I honestly am so confused about the spiritual nature of God. I was prophesied to awhile back and was told to lie prostrate. God told me to visualize laying before Him and he would take me to his throne room where I would taste & see that he was real. Everything in my mind was so hazy and I worried I was making it all up, recalling what others said God/His throne rm looked like. I never really saw much of anything & I’m so scared. I have no idea what went wrong that it didn’t work…     9-18-17 pt5: I honestly came on here to talk abt something totally different but ended up pouring out something else entirely. What I wanted to ask about was how to feel when believers are either living their lives unshaken by fear over the world nearly ending, or they’re so aware that they’re frantic that others aren’t frantic too. I’ve seen too many rapture debates & endtime prophesies. I just turned 23 on 9/15 & feel like I don’t even have time to get my godly life together before time is out     9-18-17 pt6: I honestly feel really nervous.  Between the sept 21st stuff with the feast of trumpets for united nations, the predictions for sept 23 with the constellations, Christians debating if the rapture is even biblical, if the mark of the beast is here or not, if its an rfid chip or not…I don’t know how to sleep at night. I took down my little collage of how I thought my life would go, trying to literally surrender to the fact that I don’t know God’s plan for me and I’m cool with that.      9-18-17 pt7: I’m still learning how to do this. I’ve been planning to go back into college in January and I’m applying to Christian colleges and looking at faith focused majors so I can be sure that I’ll  learn how to be more active for God. I’m doing everything on my own now and I’m still struggling fighting distractions and relying on discipline because I am really shy and feel like I’ve done nothing for God’s kingdom, which is embarrassing considering I have been a believer since I was a kid.    9-18-17 pt8/8: I know this was a lot, please forgive me but i am seriously freaking out. I’ve been crying & feeling hopeless over this. I’m just trying to do the right things. Get right with God. I want Him all over my life. I deleted all of my kpop & worldly music today. My flesh was screaming. I don’t know what to want anymore. God just blessed me w/ a new job & turning another year older. I still want things like marriage & a family. Still pure til marriage. Yet I’m so paranoid abt my future?  —Hi there,I want to apologize for such a late response, since you sent this so long ago.. I hope that you still follow/check back and happen to see this response.It’s definitely not uncommon to experience what you are describing about being raised in Christianity but coming to realize there is more to having a relationship with Him than simply being raised a Christian. Speaking personally, I was raised a Catholic from infancy - I made all the sacraments, went to Sunday school, and attended mass with my mom frequently. But in reality, I was just going with the motions. Once I was born again, I realized I had been spiritually dead as a Catholic. As a Catholic, I didn’t read the Bible and sinned in various ways without a second thought. I blindly followed Catholic doctrine that isn’t in agreement with Biblical scripture and I didn’t know any better because I didn’t read the Bible. Once I was born again and truly started my relationship with Christ, I left Catholicism, started studying the Word, and found a church that accurately follows what the Bible teaches. Our circumstances aren’t identical, but they are similar in the sense that we both came to a point of realizing our faith in Him is more than being raised a Christian and that the vital basics of faith/a relationship with Christ are overlooked when one mistakenly thinks being raised with the Christian label is what it means to be a Christian. But this realization isn’t something to fear. Rather, it is something to be thankful for! What I’m seeing here is you realizing that having a relationship with Christ and developing spiritual maturity is something that of course requires His intervention/drawing of us, but also requires our dedication and refusing to give up, even when we find ourselves in rough patches in life. The reason you are able to realize this is because He is helping you to realize and has opened your eyes. And this is great news!You are going to heap a substantial amount of stress on yourself if you believe that you are solely responsible for your spiritual growth. It’s great that you are taking responsibility and trying to learn things that your parents/your church didn’t teach you. And like I mentioned above, it’s definitely true that we won’t grow if we sit stagnant and don’t make effort to know Him better (e.g.: we won’t be able to learn the Word and therefore learn about Who He is if we don’t make the active effort to read it). But at the same time, please always realize you aren’t alone in this. The Lord is with you and He is responsible for our sanctification and our learning/understanding of the Word: “However, as it is written: ‘What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived’—the things God has prepared for those who love him—these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.” - 1 Corinthians 2:9-14“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” - John 14:26When you realize that you aren’t in this alone and trust that He will guide/teach/strengthen your faith if you rely on Him, it takes a lot of the burden off of yourself.There is absolutely no reason to fear the Holy Spirit! I have heard of people saying they fall down/collapse in the presence of the Holy Spirit like you have described. However, not everyone experiences the Holy Spirit in this way. Personally speaking, that hasn’t happened to me but I do know what it is to experience His presence. And I think the best way to describe it is how the Word puts it - a peace that surpasses all understanding. The first time I experienced the Holy Spirit was during an extremely painful and frightening time in my life. It was also when I was being drawn to a true faith in and relationship with Christ/when I was newly born again. In the midst of that turmoil, I experienced an overwhelming sense of peace that made no “logical” sense. I had no reason to feel peace given the circumstances. I just felt at peace and had a general sense of “everything is going to be okay”. I didn’t understand what it was until I talked to a more mature Christian who pointed me to scripture that explained this. The point I want to drive home is, the Holy Spirit is not Someone to be fearful of. He is our Helper (also referred to as Comforter or Advocate, depending on the translation) Who brings us peace and provides us with the conviction we need to correct our behavior when we sin. Don’t allow the thought of collapsing in His presence cause you to fear or shy away from Him. That may not even be how you experience Him and say if it were, it wouldn’t be a frightening experience if it’s His presence you are experiencing.Regarding hearing God’s voice, it’s not always experienced as hearing a literal voice. I explained my experience with this in bit more detail in these asks if you want to take a look.Regarding what you mentioned about visions of the throne room, I have heard accounts of this and while I am wary/don’t automatically believe every claim of this, I don’t dismiss the idea that the Lord could allow visits to heaven/the throne room if it is His will and He has a purpose for it. But you don’t need to have one of these experiences to taste and see that He is real. I’m kind of getting the impression from your words that you feel something is wrong if you didn’t have this experience. Faith in Him and developing a relationship with Him allows us to taste and see He is real. We should never base our belief in Him on having a vision to prove it to us.. so please don’t let yourself fall into that incorrect mindset. You don’t need a vision of the throne room to have deep faith in Christ. When it comes to the end times stuff, my advice is to not allow yourself to get wrapped up in it - meaning don’t become obsessed or fixated on it. Many Christians have an unhealthy fixation on end times to the point that they ignore what scripture tells us about it (e.g.: setting dates when scripture tells we will not know the day or hour) and living in a state of panic. Instead of focusing on the amount of time left and what day it could be, what we should do is be aware of the signs taking place in this world that point to His return and be spiritually ready as if His return could be at any given moment (like Jesus instructed us to do using The Parable of the Ten Virgins). I have an end times tag that you may be interested in looking at. I also highly recommend listening to Pastor J.D. Farag if you want accurate, Bible based commentary on end times (he does weekly prophecy updates).When we fix our eyes on Christ, focus on strengthening our relationship with Him, and have our goal be for Him to sanctify us so that we become more and more like Him, there will be no reason to fear His return. Whether it’s His return or the moment of our last breath, we have no way of knowing precisely when either of those will be or which one will come first for any of us. There is no good that comes from living in a state of panic about either. If the panic comes from fearing you aren’t right with Him, then that’s when you use the time you have in the present to make yourself right with Him.. and from what you are saying, it sounds like you are taking these steps. So keep doing that! Keep desiring Him to be all over your life and to convict/guide you to remove things that don’t belong in your life. Don’t feel embarrassed over wishing you had done more work for Him at this point. I was far from a kid when I was born again. Rather, I was an adult woman. And before that point, I wasn’t doing work for His kingdom because I didn’t know Him.. has that stopped Him from using me once my eyes were opened? No! He made a way for me to do work in various ways, including this blog. I’m a shy/reserved type of person, too. But when He is guiding you to do the work, He will allow you to do work in ways that suit your personality (for me, He has allowed me to work through social media) and He will bring you into situations that force you to break out of your comfort zone and simultaneously grow spiritually while helping others (which He has also done for me). When He gives you the words and guidance, He fills you with courage to accomplish things you normally would feel are impossible for your personality type. It will happen, just trust Him and don’t give up!Regarding the future, I understand all too well the desire to want to control the way your future unfolds or to at least have some idea of what it will be like. But part of faith includes laying our future in His hands and trusting Him to unfold it according to His will, according to His timing. It’s much easier not to be paranoid and frightened when we do this. And this is something I am still learning to get stronger at myself.I hope you found this helpful and once again I apologize for taking so long to respond to this.. I hope you see this and if you have any other questions or want to continue discussing this, please let me know!