#I'M GOING CRAZY OVER THE MOTHER'S DAY VIDEO AGAIN LADS..............

[marshmellowtea]

chris has a bad case of unrequited familial love with his own mother ohhh my god. i know his ass wants nothing more to be a mama's boy but she doesn't love him like that she barely even loves him at all 😭

[exjunkiebaby]

Here is a gif of me, my dear friend Ky, and my dear friend Dwayne (he's the handsome lad in between us) during Gay Pride in the summer of 2017. We're all drunk. I'm also on xanax, clearly. But it was a great day: I spent the day dancing with my friends.

I'm pissed that I didn't take better photos. I'm pissed that Dwayne and I don't have a good picture together. I have several videos - of us dancing, of us at the Warrior's parade, of us partying in my room, of us celebrating Ky's birthday. I only have one photo, of all of us at Junior Prom circa 2012. For fuck's sake, I knew him for 7 years and yet all I have to show for it are videos I have of us completely drugged out.

Perhaps it was because I was always very nervous around Dwayne. I was always attracted to him, and vice versa. Most times that I saw him, we would ignore each other. And every single time this happened, Dwayne would text me, "Why didn't you talk to me?" Usually his next text would read, "You looked good." Or "I wanted to dance with you." And one time, "I'm so sorry you saw me dancing with that white woman. But you were not approachable!"

It's true, I was nervous. But not because I had a huge crush - But because I was afraid of getting too close. I remember, when we first started REALLY talking in 2013, I developed very strong feelings towards him. We talked every single day, and for a second I thought he could be my future boyfriend. I'm serious. If any of my friends are reading this, I know this is seriously laughable. But 18-year-old me was foolish and 19-year-old me wanted a smart man who was tall, dark, handsome, and smart as fuck. Dwayne? He was tall, dark, handsome, and TOO smart for his own good.

I'm not going to lie and say our first time together was sunshine and rainbows. It wasn't. But i was already attached. I thought that we had a future as a potential couple, I really did. And what happened after we spent the night with each other? Well, he slowly stopped communicating with me. And at the time this really damaged my huge ego. It really hurt my feelings, honestly.

I would invite him to the little parties I hosted at my house, and every time that happened we would end up romantically involved. But, i didn't want to get my feelings hurt. And i knew that us? Together? It would never be a thing, and if it was it would end terribly. The next best thing? To have him in my life as a friend, and strictly a friend.

Yeah, we were friends. But everytime we were around each other - it felt weird. There was always some kind of tension. I remember, he used to drunk call me. We would talk for hours and he would reveal his true feelings. One time he said something like, "Fuck. I'm sorry for being such an asshole to you. You never deserved that. And I wish there could be a way that we could be together again. And if not, at the very least, could you maybe come over and punch me in the face?" I burst out laughing. He always made me laugh; he said the most ridiculous things. I loved it. But I would always shoot him down, and I would say, "We're great as friends. And I'm not gonna lie, we had some cool times in my bed. And yes, you are an asshole but I could never punch you. Never. I only punch racists." (*in high school I punched a guy in his face because he called my family wetback beaners)

Sadly, there came a point where I would barely see him anymore. Despite this, we would always talk (at least a couple times a month). He was one of the first people who knew about my heroin addiction. He was one of the first people who knew I was dabbling with fentanyl. He was one of the first people who listened to me babble on and on about the demons that swam in my head. In turn, I learned about his own demons. We were cut from a similar cloth.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I just attended Dwayne's funeral. It was very heavy. Seeing him - it didn't feel real. I felt like I was trapped in a fuzzy nightmare. But, my best friends were with me. They stood by my side. I stood by their side. Ky put her arm around me. Kyle embraced me. Rachel and I gave each other uncomfortable glances. I didn't feel so alone.

What hurt the most was seeing his 4, young, little sisters walk up to his casket. The oldest sister couldn't stop wiping her tears. What hurt was seeing his mother attempt to stay strong for her daughters - and she couldn't; she broke down several times. What hurt was watching his family sob. They sobbed and sobbed and it wasn't right. No mother should have to bury her own son. No little girl should have to see her big brother in a casket.

I began to turn red, and my face grew hot as I watched the slideshow of his life play out. I couldn't help but cover my mouth and shut my eyes as photos of him flashed: Dwayne as a baby, a toddler, a kid, a teenager playing sports and musical intruments, a high schooler attending our junior prom, a young adult enjoying time with his family. My best friends were in a couple of the photos. My heart broke for them. They knew him since elementary school - my presence was quite late.

I know my feelings are valid. But I feel like I'm not important enough to have the right to grieve. Does that make any sense? I know it's nonsense. I know it sounds crazy. Mine and Dwayne's relationship was complicated. We weren't best friends and there were times where he would insult me and therefore there were a couple of breaks in our relationship. But at the end of the day, he was my friend. He was my fucking friend. And i talked to him 2 days before he passed away. He told me a secret that I did not wish to utter to anybody, and I knew in that moment that he trusted me. He trusted me with something very heavy.

I regret not continuing the conversation. The last thing I told him? "Please Dwayne. Please. Be careful." That's it. He didn't respond. He didn't respond and i should have said more. I should have made myself available. I should have offered help. I should have handled the conversation better. I should have told him, "You can call me any time." I should have told him that I did love him, as a friend. I should have told him, a part of me will always have feelings for you. I should have told him, i kept you as a friend and I rejected any advances because I wanted you to STAY in my life.

This is so fuckin long. If you've made it down here, thank you. I'm trying to process my emotions. I can't believe i went to his funeral sober. I can't believe I'm still clean.

Rest in peace, Dwayne. I hope one day you'll be able to read this. I hope one day we can dance, truly dance, together 💙