#I’ve scheduled a video chat appointment with my therapist next Thursday to figure out what is causing this and how to cope with it

[odaatlover]

Anxiety is a bitch

The first time I ever had a panic attack was this past December (4 months ago) when I had cut myself on a vegetable peeler. It wasn’t really a bad cut, but it wouldn’t stop bleeding for about 10 minutes and all of a sudden I started to think, “Why hasn’t it stopped bleeding? What if it doesn’t stop bleeding? Is something wrong with me?” And suddenly, my heart starts racing, I start to feel sick to my stomach, I feel dizzy, my ears are flooded with the sound of static, and my hands are starting to go numb. My wife told me to lay down and gave me some honey because she said my blood sugar was probably low. And when I ate it, I started to feel much better. I assumed it was just that, low blood sugar from my finger bleeding.

That experience triggered something, because ever since then whenever I randomly start to worry about something, I get this same feeling. And I never had before from worrying. I feel sick to my stomach, start to feel dizzy...and before it gets to the other symptoms, I’m able to calm myself down and tell myself it’s all in my head. This happens to me a few times a week. It still never occurred to me that these were the beginnings of panic attacks, because I always thought panic attacks were just hyperventilating, and I’ve never experienced that. 

A few weeks ago I cut myself again chopping onions, not too bad, but the same thing happens. It’s been 10 minutes, still bleeding, I start to worry and all the symptoms start. This time though, I can’t get myself out of it, no matter how much sugar I eat. I’m lying on the couch, my entire body is slowly going numb and tingly all over, and I feel like I’m about to pass out -- which makes me even more worried. My wife calls the paramedics to come check me out because I’m thinking it’s because of the cut; something physical. And just as I start to feel the last part of my body going numb, my wife says, “There here!” And immediately it all stops. They hadn’t even come inside yet. And I was feeling absolutely fine, because I felt safe. That was when I knew it was something mental. I looked it up, and realized that these were all symptoms of a panic attack. 

Last night, my wife made me a cute little cold coffee that she was excited to make for me at 10pm. This was a really bad idea, because I never drink caffeine, nor do I consume a lot of sugar. And this had a good amount of both of those things in it. I was wide awake well past midnight on my phone just laying in bed, and my heart started pounding in my ears because I was hyped up on this stuff. I brushed it off, knowing that it was the caffeine, and was able to ignore it for a couple of hours. Then, at 2am, one simple thought crosses my mind. What if it’s not the caffeine and something is actually wrong? BOOM. All of the symptoms start. Heart begins to race, stomach drops, the sound of static builds, hands and face are starting to get tingly, and I’m very dizzy. I get up to get some water to help calm me down, but as I’m walking back to bed I’m stumbling because I’m so dizzy. My wife asks me what’s wrong, and I tell her I’m having a panic attack and she helps calm me down. I’m aware that it’s all in my head, and yet the fact that I’m panicking is making me panic even more.

I’m eventually able to calm myself down, at which point my mind says, “What if it happens again?” And I start to get the beginning stages of panicking once again, but am quickly able to calm myself down. This cycle continues in a loop, nonstop, until around 5am (3 hours later). At which point, I have another full on panic attack. I’m able to calm myself down again by focusing on my breathing. I try to fall asleep by listening to a calming hypnosis video on youtube, but every time I start to drift off to sleep I’m suddenly awoken by a feeling of slight panic. What if I fall asleep and don’t wake up? What if something is actually wrong? What if my heart beats so fast that it actually causes some sort of heart failure? I continue with this pattern of starting to fall asleep and suddenly waking in a bit of a panic until around 8am. At which point, my wife has gone to work. And I haven’t slept all night.

I went to my sister’s house so that I wasn’t alone in case I had another panic attack -- don’t worry, they live close by and none of us have been out anywhere so we stay within our little circle -- and the entire day I felt so tired and slightly dizzy from exhaustion. My stomach, esophagus, and throat feel inflamed from the amount of stress they’ve been under all night from tensing up. And I still feel so sick and I’m afraid of having another panic attack again. I know nothing truly bad would happen if I did, but I just hate feeling like that. It’s terrifying feeling like your body is shutting down. I need to sleep, but I’m afraid to sleep. When I lay down is when I start to feel those symptoms. Needless to say, my mind and body has been through a lot over the past 18 hours. And even as I’m typing this, I’m getting little bursts of dizziness just out of anxiety, but I know there’s nothing wrong with me so I’m able to ignore it and push past it. It honestly just feels like a way of life at this point. I know I will start to feel normal again soon, but right now I just feel constantly on edge.

Anxiety is no joke. Panic attacks are no joke. It’s scary, and it takes a toll on you both mentally and physically. I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. And if you’re someone who experiences anxiety or panic attacks of any kind, you’re not alone! You’re not alone.

[not3worthy]

The State of The Summer

Feels like it's been far too long since I just sat down to write just to write-- not that I haven't been having a blast penning characters and developing engaging dialogue with my friends in Florida playing Dungeons & Dragons 5e over Twitter when we can-- but I haven't really made time to just get my thoughts as they are and not seen through the scope of a character on the page.

In a small recess with said Floridian friends making preparations for BronyCon which starts next Thursday--Friday may be the first official day of the convention, but setup for vendors and getting all of the I's dotted and T's crossed and a lot of what's known in the trade as Day 0 activities occur from when access to venue spaces is given to the setup crews--I now have a window to write in.

"So, Note Worthy, what's all been going on with you since last you wrote... May, was it?"

I used to joke when I would write a blog post after a long pause that I had to clear the cobwebs out or someone stole time, but the truth is I simply do other things... such as the aforementioned D&D on Twitter.  Other times I'll just listen to music or watch the same YouTube videos I've watched a dozen or so times over already.  The highest likeliness that is that is if it's a day that ends in "Y", I am rolling initiative or RPing with my group of characters.  And, again, it's been fun and I enjoy the chance I was given to play with some very imaginative and fun people.  Wouldn't trade it for anything, really... well, maybe companionship.  One day a week would be enough to just spend with someone and then D&D the rest after work.

I've been working, sometimes 10 hours in a day.  My route has undergone fluctuations from slow days that lull you into a false sense of security to days where the scanner keeps sounding and you're already an hour behind schedule and somehow someway you manage to get back to base on time to get your truck unloaded and all of its cargo on the plane.  You never question it--it steals the magic and almost guarantees you that right--and I do mean right--at 5:30, you get a stop that's on the other side of town and it closes in 30 minutes.  Fun times.

Sadly, that's a pretty good summary of what I've been up to.  I haven't really gone out anywhere save for the scheduled Mall meets to have a meal and try to catch up with "friends" and some real friends.  My life has become rather pattern based, a rut of constant order.  Oh, yeah, I went to a wedding.  Sort of awkward but I managed to have a decent-ish enough time.

On the D&D front, I've created three characters, deeply developed one and changed his alignment and created two more that I'm slowly figuring out how to play.

I signed up for another online dating site, only to get one person to write me back and say she wasn't interested.  I deleted my profile the other day; little point in keeping "bait" in a location where I'm not getting any bites.

"Wow.  That really doesn't sound all that great.  How are you handling it?"

Primarily by doing this.  I've whined at my friends often enough and heard nothing back from them.  I've clued into the fact that they've tuned me out when it comes to stuff like this and that any further attempts at gaining some measure of understanding of my situation are hopelessly in vain and should be discontinued.

I keep saying what I want, yet unable to communicate it in a way that lets people know that I'm not trying to be desperate, needy or excessively whiny.  I'm being honest about what I sense is missing from my life and trying to wean some insight as to why it's not happening the way I would like it.

As I was driving home tonight, the sweat from unloading my truck and loading the cams to set out to go to our sorting facility in Columbus, Ohio and ultimately on to their destination finally drying, I was allowing myself some time to just get some thoughts out, using a backdrop of My Little Pony music to help filter some of the concepts flitting through my brain.  It was a moment where I wish I had the wherewithal to pick up my phone and try to voice record it so I could get the wording right.  I'll just do the best I can here.

Earlier this week, I had come to a realization; I have been jaded.  I've also been very bitter with people and situations.  Oh, not all at once... just here and there, cold thoughts about people, feeling unloved, unlovable, just... run of the mill crap like that.  So, after that, I told one of my friends... who didn't really react to it.  Maybe because my issue that was going through my tilted mind at the time had nothing to do with the issue of the epiphany of what has happened to me over the last few years.  Then I prayed about it and left it alone.

What I think I was trying to put into words as I was traveling at 35 MPH down Minnetonka Boulevard at around 9 at night was that I'm just... confused.  I've said it myself in tweets before: there is too much in my life for it not to be poured out into the lives of others; and, even as I am doing that, I can't seem to locate the sense of satisfaction that I used to feel when I did something that mattered to me. I feel as a vessel that has been filled and emptied out but not refilled with anything new then left to be neglected and unfilled.

There's a line from a song by Ponyphonic Trusting You that I was listening to... and it kind of resonated with me.  Some of the other lyrics are a little depressing.  I'll give you the quick synopsis of the song: it's about a person who has decided friendship is only pain and the only way to keep yourself "safe"  is to shut every door, close every chat and do everything within your power to manage to get through life by yourself.  Here's an excerpt of the closing chorus:

My heart is crying Neglected and confused

There are days where I simply don't know how I should feel, or I have my feelings swing on a dime from the happiest I've ever been to near homicidal and depressed. It's... really not a lot of fun.

"Oh, man, dude... that's almost unhealthy. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor?"

It's on my "I'd love to have the time" list. I haven't investigated the option at all because of my work schedule which has its own benefits and challenges--benefit is I don't start until 11, the challenge of not getting done until 9 PM some days. Don't know the policy on weekend appointments that my HMO has.

Maybe my hesitation about seeing a counselor is that it won't solve the underlying issue of people not communicating with me until they need something (certain exceptions do apply). What I have done in the interim is... sort of turn my friends into impromptu counselors. Which ain't why there are in my life... they're present because we have shared interests and they're pretty cool people.

The biggest thing that becomes a problem is when you want to communicate your desire to be involved in the events your friends do... but not actually be delivered in such of a way of "invite me or else" or "everything is horrible I don't want to be alone". I've tried all I know, and after it proved to be ineffective, I stopped trying. (Which means I should run that sucker through the scientific method again and ask different questions.)

Even in my current frustrated state, I'm still living life.  It's just... emptier than I would like it to be.  There's space available for the ride.  Wanna come along?