#I’ve just been getting frustrated that I’m not updating Denbrough show frequently

[s-oulpunk]

I know the amount of content I have been putting out lately has been lacking, and I feel like I’ve been making a lot of half assed excuses (both to myself and to you guys) so I wanted to take a chance to explain myself. I don’t know how much you guys actually care, but it’s been driving me insane so I need to say something.

I’ve said over and over again that the reason I’m not updating/posting frequently is because of school or because of an off day. And while technically those things aren’t wrong, it’s not the whole truth.

The truth is that I have always loved writing, ever since I was a little kid. I have always known it’s what I want to do with my life. And it used to be really easy for me to sit down at the computer and write about anything I wanted. It was therapeutic in a way.

But when I was 16 I went through a really traumatic event. I still loved writing and it was important to me, but I found it was a lot harder, emotionally, to do. I still wrote here and there but nothing really serious. I dabbled in playwriting and screenwriting and I loved them, but they weren’t the same as writing a novel or short story. I couldn’t tap into people’s emotions in the same way. I wanted so badly to be able to feel comfortable feeling those emotions again, but it was scary. I couldn’t do it, at least not for long periods of time.

But about a year ago I watched IT, and found myself suddenly struck by inspiration. I was still writing slowly but I wasn’t scared of tapping into that emotion, and I really, genuinely enjoyed writing again. I felt like my old self. It was freeing to feel that again.

I was really hesitant to start Denbrough Show because of all that, scared I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I almost proved myself right, but a few friends helped pull me back up and for that I am eternally grateful. I hadn’t written a multi-chapter story in years, and I’m still struggling with it, but I am determined to finish it no matter how long it takes.

But then, right after I finished Vendetta, I suddenly felt as if I had been drained of all my inspiration. And I don’t know why exactly. Part of it was I was discouraged by a lack of comments, part of it was I was discouraged by bigger/more popular writers getting more attention, and maybe part of it was the emotional drain Vendetta took on me. And the truth is I can’t truly blame anyone else for those things. I have always struggled with letting other people judge my worth, especially when it came to my art. I wanted so badly to see people’s reactions to my stories that it hurt me.

And I’m still struggling with that today. I love writing, and I love writing for these characters specifically. The Losers (especially Bill) mean so much to me, I really want nothing more than to just sit in front of my computer all day and think up different worlds for them. But it is emotionally exhausting.

While I have been doing a lot better than I was a few months ago, it’s still a struggle. And it’s hard not to get down on myself because of that. I want to go back to being the person I was a year ago, I want to be someone who posts frequently and doesnt overthink every single sentence. And the truth is this phase will end. Eventually I’ll get my inspiration back. But the for moment it’s incredibly frustrating and painful.

So while maybe I’m not posting every week or putting out a new short story as often as I used to, I am trying. I am writing, even if the final product isn’t going to be here as soon as I would like. And I am thinking of more ideas, even if I’m struggling to write them all out right now.

This is a really personal, scary subject for me and it’s been really hard for me to face and admit and even harder for me to write all this out. But I hope this post helps explain my current absence from AO3 a bit more. I do hope to start posting more frequently someday (hopefully soon) but for now I appreciate everyone’s patience and kindness. I really appreciate everyone reading this. I hope you’re all staying safe💕