#I’ve got an ear ache & im just all around achy

[laxchra]

((…I thought I was getting smacked with allergies last night…but now I’m pretty sure it’s a full on head cold, awesome

[haeroniel-doliet]

so i’m going to try to capture a memory here that i want to treasure and keep.  read it if you like, it’s quite sweet, but more than a little sad to me. 

One of the most swelling moments of emotion was of sadness and missing something the day i said goodbye to the scout leaders.( No, this may not make any sense to you, but for me its very personal and the recollection is already making me cry) I mean, consider i cried in the car after the last meeting with my kids and driving way from the meeting house for possibly the last time, and i didnt want to go to the leaders hang out and get together to do yard work. but i did, and i helped as much as i could because i really cared about these people. i didn’t go in the hot tub bc i was insecure, but i did enjoy good food and good company and the surreal feeling of belonging and being accepted with people older than me. we all had matching hoodies we got that day, we took a big group selfie i still treasure, it was a good unison.

 It was also partly a good bye to me, which made me glad despite the slight nerves and discomfort initially, i went along. i got a little dagger and a cup, for once my own and not borrowed from my dad or brother. never used bc i no longer go to the woods.  A really sweet and touching speech i can’t remember if i thanked them enough for. remembering how i was the kid who came with a list of allergies to camp and was a pain in the ass to provide food for. but how since i started i wanted to be a leader, helping out and being enthusiastic and excited to learn. even teaching them things when they didn’t know. how that stayed until i became a leader, and how i was a good one at that. i did all my own leader didn’t do for me because i wanted to be good for my kids. (Keep in mind i don’t accept praise easy, nor do i see it in myself, but maybe overall when you look away from the embarrassing moments and shame, my scouting career has been so good to me. it’s raised me as a person and given me such such good and interesting  memories and im proud of it) 

So i was tearful on my way home, the meeting was just a few streets over at the lovely ladys house who acted like a caring mother to the group of us and sometimes gave me rides in her car. i walk through a forest that connects them, dusk is setting and nobody is gonna be at home. i’m full of emotion, how im going to miss everything and i hate to leave it behind. i dont want to sound angsty, truly the moment was blue in everyway and so deeply difficult. i found my way inside my home and i couldnt breathe. the air wasn’t fresh enough so i went out to the porch hidden by big bushes and walls. (true here i felt angsty, like i wanted to be a painting or a book where they cry beautifully in a shadow outside for someone to find) but i needed to be sad, i needed the crisp summer air and the plants around me and the blue dusty cool shadows of dusk. i think  i sat and cried a while while it ached, since inside was where things were better and the moment was gone, i needed a while longer to get past the sad and breathe.

it took me a while to take my phone and text you. (i’m sure i could find the conversation if i really tried) but i recall asking you to call me, distract me. i was sad and i couldnt talk or breathe but i wanted your voice to distract me. so i had my knees tucked to my chest sitting on a garden chair in the dark, staring as the wind brushed the leaves on the bushes in front of me, while i took you on skype to my ear. i cant recall if you had your video on, but i sure didnt. i’m not sure how it started but i didn’t say much. you talked about drama class a little, and then the play you were putting on i knew the plot of it vaguely, but i let you describe it in all detail to me. sitting quietly in my blue moment where everything was dark, i listened sadly without a word in my throat you describe shakespears midsummer nights dream. i cant recall everything as my mind was a mess and recovering. but you made me feel better, i know you did because i wasnt so sad and hollow when my parents came home and my mom found me downstairs coming in finally. i was cold, she was worried for me and i was still too achy and too crying and sore to talk. so she guides me to bed, 

because she cannot feel my pain of this loss, i’m not sure anyone can. bc really. who cries a whole night, and several more after, when you quit a hobby? especially one that left me sore and miserable after weekends in the cold and uncomfortable, or ones where i felt ashamed and didint belong like i shouldve. how did it grow so close to my heart it hurts so much  having it ripped out. how it feels a big chunk of me got removed that night and i still miss it so dearly. maybe i’m over dramatic, but ttheres a rare few moments i recall so emotionally that i cry  and cry and can put myself back in that place and that moment in the utuinen uninen kesa ilta kun aurinko laski ja vilu laskeutui. but you responded to my call of need then, and im not sure how shakespear was going to make me feel okay but your voice did. i know it’s maybe been only the once, but i’m so glad you were there when i had my personally saddest and emotionally overwhelming night. 

see, despite how i may have made it sound, it was a good night, it was a sweet aching hurt. which is why i want to remember it in as much detail as possible. it’s an important night for me.  hey, thanks for reading this if you did. i really dont believe i’ve conveyed my memory to you fully as i remember it, but perhaps you didnt mind while you read it. perhaps you thought of a memory of your own that was unlike mine